All language subtitles for W.C.F.S19E05.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪

The winnipeg comedy festival
presents, "my generation"!

Please welcome your host,
ivan decker!

Thanks!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello!

(applause)

Thank you all so
much for coming out.

- How are you?
- (cheering)

Great, welcome to the
winnipeg comedy festival.

It is so nice to be here.
My name is ivan decker and,

Not only am I your
host for tonight's show,

I am also one of the last
living millennials on earth

Who wears a suit to work.

(laughs)

So, this is the,
my generation gala.

It is a gala that will
highlight the struggles

We all feel about ourselves,
the people who raised us,

The people we will raise.

Hopefully, we will be
able to find common ground.

As long as that ground
isn't too valuable,

Otherwise the boomers will
price out the millennials

And build condos.

(laughs)

But there is a war
going on

Between millennials
and boomers.

It's been going on
for quite some time.

They yell at each
other on the internet.

Boomers are like,
"millennials are so stupid.

You guys don't even know
how to read a barometer."

And then millennials are like,
"you ruined the earth."

(laughs)

So you know, a lot of
good points on either side.

Meanwhile, generation x
is in the middle, like,

"whatever dude,
marijuana's legal.

We got our thing."

(laughs)

I would like to be the
first millennial

To cut the boomers
some slack.

They did the best they
could with what they had.

And what they had, was being
told they were gonna die

In a nuclear war every
day for 26 years.

(laughs)

It was insane,
I didn't know this.

Every night,
the news was like,

"dig a hole in your backyard
and fill it with canned peaches.

They're really
gonna do it this time."

(laughs)

Every day, they were living
with the idea of being

Turned into hot mist
at any moment.

And they still went to work?

Millennials can't even handle
it if the wi-fi cuts out.

(laughs)

We're like, "my phone
doesn't work here.

I'm going home."

"oh, yeah, no problem.
I do the same thing.

I'll talk to you later
when you're feeling better."

Like, if millennials were
the ones to be told we were

Gonna die from nukes,
we wouldn't last the night.

We'd blow ourselves up.
I hate waiting for things!

(laughs)

The nuke would be on the way
and we'd be tracking

On our phone, like a
door dash order.

23 minutes!? Hurry up!

(laughs)

The main criticism of
millennials, of course,

Is that we are
obsessed with technology.

You hear it all the time.

You're obsessed with tv and
cell phones and computers.

Well, yeah, but we
didn't invent that stuff.

(laughs)

You did.

And then you gave it to
us and you're like,

"you seem pretty obsessed
with that stuff we made."

Yeah, we love it.

Congratulations, I guess.

What do you want from us?

"well, if you could tell us
how to have the clock

On the front not flash 12,
that'd be awesome."

(laughs)

Phones and technology
definitely did a lot of damage.

But they are not
the only culprit.

There were other so-called
innovations going on

That stunted our
development as well.

Like paper towels.

(laughs)

Paper towels
didn't need to exist.

We already had cloth.

(laughs)

A cloth is perfect.
You wipe up a spill,

Then you dip it in water
and it's new.

(laughs)

And, while you're
dipping it in water,

You think about what
you've done and

Take steps to improve and grow.

Juice doesn't
go on the floor.

Why did I put the
juice on the floor?

It's gonna get kicked.
You become a better person.

But then, someone
came along and went,

But what if we sold
a roll of garbage?

(laughs)

That's it, that's all it is.

There are only two states
of being for paper towel -

Garbage and waiting
to become garbage.

(laughs)

It just sits on a
roll in your kitchen, like,

"put me in
something gross."

(laughs)

And it worked because they had
a crazy marketing campaign.

We all fell for it, boomers
and millennials, alike.

They showed people in the
commercials using

Paper towel for things no one
would use a paper towel for,

Like an entire pot of
spaghetti would

Hit the kitchen floor.

The person in the
commercial's like,

"looks like a
two square job!"

(laughs)

By a mop, you lunatic!

(laughs)

Then it was so successful,

There were multiple paper
towel companies.

They started competing
like, "ours is quilted.

Ours is double quilted.
Ours is a whole tree.

Ladies, throw out your
tampons, we got this!"

(laughs)

"you need to get
rid of a lake,

Throw this roll in there
and that lake is gone!"

(laughs)

But then, my favorite
thing happened

In the paper towel
marketing campaign,

Which is that they were
trying to boast about

How strong the
paper towels were.

And they showed somebody
in the commercial

Using a paper towel,
then ringing it out

And using it again.
That's a cloth, idiot!

(laughs)

You came all the way
back around to cloth.

You just accidentally
reinvented the thing

You should have been
the entire time.

Congratulations!
You ruined the earth.

(laughs)

All right.
What do you say, audience?

Are you ready to
get the show rolling?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Amazing.

(applause)

This comedian is a
member of the baby boomers,

A generation that
grew up with the

Kennedy assassination,
vietnam, the moon landing,

Watergate and the
stock market crash.

Or as my
generation calls that,

One 24 hour news cycle.

Please welcome,
simon b kotter.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Woo, yeah!

Hi, I'm simon,
I'm a baby boomer.

I'm not a
typical baby boomer.

Boomers are health obsessed.

I think you can take
one look at me and

Know that's not true.

(laughs)

I do wear a
health monitor though.

It's a, my fatbit.

(laughs)

You press a button and it tells
you how many steps to cake.

(laughs)

I have three kids 'cause...

I wasn't paying attention.

(laughs)

I have one x generation
and two y generation.

People say, why do
they call them

Generation x and
generation y?

And I say,
it's like high school math.

No one's figured out what
their true value is yet.

(laughs)

I'm glad you
laughed at a math joke.

I'm bad at math.
I think it's,

My math teacher in high
school hated me.

She would give me tougher
questions than the other kids.

I'm not being paranoid.
This is how much

This woman hated me.
This was my final math question.

"a train leaves toronto
for new york at 9:00 am...

Be on it."

(laughs)

I don't mean to sound
like a whiny baby boomer,

But would you agree with me,
kids are way more spoiled

Than when we
were growing up?

(cheering)

Yeah, they get
everything now:

X-box, playstation,
game boy.

You know what I played
with when I was a kid?

Another kid.

(laughs)

We made our own
fun growing up, didn't we?

You remember
playing red rover?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Yeah, you get all your
friends and line up and

Hold hands and you'd pick the
girl you really liked and

You'd run and try
to break her arm.

- Remember?
- (laughs)

What about british bulldog?
Yeah, what was that?

Rugby on cement
without the ball.

That's what that was.

When we were growing up,

Grown ups didn't care if
we lived or died.

(laughs)

How many of you went to a
school that in the gym,

They had that rope?

(cheering & applause)

60 feet to the ceiling.

Eight-year-old kids
hanging from steel beams.

(laughs)

And the gym teacher,
mr. Safety...

"wow, that's high."

Better put this one inch
thick gray mat under there.

(laughs)

That way, when he falls,
we have something to

Roll him up in.
It's perfect.

(laughs)

Even your own parents didn't
care if you lived or died.

Did you ever play ball
hockey in the driveway?

What would your mom say,
"don't play next to the house?

You'll break a window.
Go play in the street."

(laughs)

"and, don't come home until
the street lights are on."

One year we had a blackout,

I couldn't get in the
house for three days.

(laughs)

Kids are spoiled now.
They get all the--

They have warnings on
their games and toys,

Warnings from the
government.

You can't have
little pieces, oh no.

They're choking hazards.
Oh, my goodness, they're choke--

Anybody here play marbles?

(laughs)

There you go, billy,
a bag of choking hazards.

(laughs)

Did you put them
in your mouth?

Of course, you did.
You had to clean them.

(laughs)

What about jax?
Yeah, what was that?

Bite-size road spikes,
that's what that was.

(laughs)

Get one of those
caught in your throat.

The only way to
get rid of it,

You had to eat the ball
that came with the game.

(laughs)

These new x generation,
y generation millennials,

They've got all the cool
3d graphic video games.

What?
We didn't have 3d toys.

Slinky, that's what we got.

What was slinky's big thing?

You take it to the
top of the stairs.

You push it,
it goes to the bottom.

What doesn't?

(laughs)

My brothers did
that to me every day.

(laughs)

Even our store-bought
games were dangerous.

Do you remember lawn darts?

Steel tip kitty harpoons.

(laughs)

What about firecrackers?

Explosives you can buy
at the corner store.

How many could you buy?
How much money you got?

You could down there with a
wheelbarrow and your

Dad's wallet and buy
enough explosives

To blow your own head off.

And the only grownup that
would say anything to you

Would be the guy that
worked behind the counter.

He'd be, "hey, hey,
hey, hey, you kids,

You get back here.
You forgot your matches."

(laughs)

Kids are so spoiled now.

They get every protection
in the world for these guys.

They have car seats.
Car seats.

$500 bolted to
the mainframe,

Specially angled, got a
five-point star harness,

Got to duct tape
the little prick in.

(laughs)

What do we have
safety backseat of a car?

- Vinyl bench.
- (laughs)

Your dad would go around
the corner. Bishhh.

He'd stop suddenly, bam.

You're in the back,
bleeding and crying.

And what would your
dad say for support?

I'll come back there and give
you something to cry about.

(laughs)

I mentioned we
have three kids.

We were so excited
about starting a family.

We had a huge dinner party,
part way through dinner,

I told all our friends,
we're gonna start trying

For a family now,
we'd love your support.

And everyone
was so generous.

"oh, you'll be the best parents.
You'll love it."

But then later
in the kitchen,

My buddies are like,
"let me tell you, pal,

Next six, seven months
of your life,

Best time of your
life when you're a guy.

So, when a woman's
trying to get pregnant,

She wants sex all the time."

Thinking here come the
best six months of my life.

First time, bang, pregnant.

- Noooo!
- (laughs)

Noo!

It's not fair.

I did my job. First shot,
on goal, score.

They pull me for the season.

(laughs)

You guys have
been brilliant, winnipeg.

Thank you so much!
Have a good night, thank you!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

As a millennial, this
performer is too young

To remember a time
when pot was something

You cooked your soup in.

Hash was something
you ate with eggs.

And acid was something
you threw in a guy's face

For cheating at poker.

(laughs)

Please welcome, noor kidwai!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪ (applause) ♪

Hello!

Alright, so a guy
told me the other day,

Millennials go
until the age 38.

Yeah, he's like,
"you're a millennial.

I bet you can't
even change your oil."

It's like, "I bet you
can't back up your iphone."

(laughs)

That's actually
my favorite thing,

Is watching one generation hate
on the generation they raised.

(laughs)

Like "agh, millennials
are the worst."

It's like, "oh, the ones you're
directly responsible for?"

That's like
building a house,

Standing outside your
house and being like,

Well, that's a crappy house.

(laughs)

Yeah, ya gonna fix it?
It's like,

"naw, I'm just
gonna criticize it."

(laughs)

My favorite is like, "oh, kids
these days have it easy."

It's like, "yeah, that's 'cause
life's easier, you idiot."

You know, there used to be
a time where we had

A bad harvest, half the
city would die.

Now you press two
buttons on your phone,

Someone's biking
you a hamburger.

(laughs)

Jobs are easier too, that's
supposed to be a good thing.

This guy was like, "oh, we
gotta bring back tough jobs."

He's like, "we gotta bring
back coal mining jobs."

I was like, "for who?"

(laughs)

It's like, I can't
work in a coal mine.

I'm a millennial, I've got
asthma and allergies.

(laughs)

Light on my hat will go off.

You're like, guys, I need to
take my anxiety medication.

(laughs)

I read this
article the other day.

It said millennials might be
the first generation

To have a life
expectancy of 150.

Yeah, they said they're
eventually gonna be growing

Organs and just
switching them out.

Your doctor's gonna start
sounding like a mechanic.

That's holding up your old
liver like it's a brake pad.

Like, dude, you got to stop
riding this thing so hard.

(laughs)

Like, I'll switch
out your liver,

Give you a colon flush,
rotate those nipples.

(laughs)

We'll see you back
here in October.

I'll put in your winter ass.

(laughs)

I'll tell you the best thing
about our generation though.

I find us that
we're very accepting.

I think that's cool,
you know like...

We promote diversity.
I think that's nice.

It gets a little
weird sometimes.

I saw some people the other
day getting mad that there

Wasn't enough diversity
on this tv show, vikings.

(laughs)

Like yeah, they're vikings.

Can't just slip in a
brown viking and

No one's gonna notice.

(laughs)

Is that viking
wearing a turban?

What the hell?

Turns out when they weren't
raping and pillaging,

They were celebrating
other people's cultures.

(laughs)

Very progressive,
these vikings.

(laughs)

But I think the biggest
difference in our generations,

It's like we're the
online generation, hey.

Everything's online.

Especially dating,
online dating's everywhere.

You know, when people say
online dating is easier,

It's not.
No, it's hard.

It's hard trying to
find love on the toilet.

- It's hard.
- (laughs)

Swipe, swipe, wipe.

That's not how it's
supposed to work.

(laughs)

I went out with this
lady the other day,

The whole time she was
trying to convince me

To quit sugar. Yeah, this is
what she told me.

Sugar is 10 times more
addictive than cocaine.

I'm like, that just makes
me less afraid of cocaine.

(laughs)

I've resisted a
kit kat bar before.

Maybe I can handle a line
or two, I don't know.

(laughs)

She also told me
she's non-monogamous,

Like many relationships.

You know, that actually
made me more nervous.

Like think about it.
You get turned down

By someone
who's monogamous.

It's like, all right, she's got
one spot, that's fine.

You get turned down by
someone who's non-monogamous,

It's like, hey don't you
got five spots to fill?

(laughs)

Like give me
Tuesday afternoon.

I don't know how this works.
Like, get me on the roster.

I can ride the
bench a couple months.

And I really hope that's
not the future of dating.

I'm gonna have to try to get
into some lady's top five.

Because I know how
this world works, I do.

I know if
there's five spots,

I know there's only one
bald spot. I know.

(laughs)

No, but luckily, I also take
up a diversity spot too.

(laughs)

If you're non-monogamous
and dating five white guys,

You're a racist, alright?

(laughs)

Oh, I'll gladly insinuate
someone's racist to get laid.

I don't care.

(laughs)

Thank you so much, winnipeg.
You guys are awesome.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This performer grew up in an
era when same-sex marriage

Meant a man sleeping
with the same woman

For the rest of his life.

(laughs)

Gender equality was what you
called an identical number

Of boys and girls
in a classroom.

And glass ceilings were
something you pushed

People through for
uncovering

Your dark, terrible secret.

(laughs)

Please welcome,
deborah kimmett!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪ (applause) ♪

So, I turned 60 and...

- (applause)
- yay!

And then I bought a scarf...

Because, you know, you
have to wrap yourself up.

Men don't leave you
'cause you're old.

They just don't want
someone they have to unwrap.

(laughs)

I bought a scarf and I
booked a bus trip...

And joined a choir.

And then I went to stratford
and I bought this

Tribal looking coat,
and it's made of bamboo.

And when I sweat, I smell
like a burmese forest.

(laughs)

And I thought I was being
original until I went out

Into the lobby at stratford
and every woman

My age looks identical.

We, we, we had
the same coat.

We have the, you know, the
blonde bob and everything.

Well, there's a few
women that go natural.

They go gray.

I, I've had heart stents
and lasik surgery.

If I go natural,
I'll be dead.

(laughs)

I know what
you're thinking that,

Well, the carpet
doesn't match the drapes.

(laughs)

Well, maybe the carpet's a
shag rug from the 80s.

(laughs)

Maybe the carpet's
old and has dust mites.

(laughs)

Maybe the drapes
should just mind

Their own damn business,
okay?

Anyway, it started
to go badly

When I was in my mid-fifties.

I was at the pharmacy,
I looked at the receipt and

They had given me 10% off.

(laughs)

"what's this?"

"oh, actually that's
a seniors' discount."

"actually, I'm only 54."

"actually,
we give it here early."

"actually,
that's ridiculous."

Then, this young girl
gives me the eye roll.

The eye roll that all of
society will feel free

To give me once I
take that discount.

Let me explain.

It's a lot like when you go to
the bay and they tell you,

You have to go
to the plus section.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, your ass
is scaring the petites."

(laughs)

"we're gonna have
someone escort you down

The escalator to the room of
stretchable waistbands."

This woman at the pharmacy

Was trying to cull me
from the herd.

So, I said, "take it back."

Now, have you ever tried to give
a senior's discount back?

"actually, I'll have
to get my calculator."

"actually, it's 10%.

You just move a
decimal point."

Well, then she
starts crying.

She's like, "I'm only
the manager on fridays.

I have an urban planning degree
from red river college."

(laughs)

She's like, "and I drive
a bike to work and

I live in a tiny house."

And I go up to
her and I say,

"listen, I'm sorry. It's just,

I was being rude because I
feel more invisible every day."

And then she walked off like
she didn't even know I existed.

(laughs)

That's called ghosting.

You know ghosting,

When you text your kids and
they pretend they didn't get it.

(laughs)

But I'm getting weird.

I'm getting weirder,
living alone.

Really recently,
it's really been revealed.

I started narrating
my own life.

(laughs)

Do you think we
should have supper?

Well, you can't
have supper yet.

It's four o'clock.

That'll be 12 hours of netflix.
What's going on with you?

Oh, my gosh and you know,
I, I don't sleep anymore.

I get up at five in the
morning no matter

How late I go to bed.
I just wake up,

And I think of the most
ridiculous things.

Like, who was the first person
that ever knits socks?

Was it a fishermen and
his dyslexic sister, pearl?

(laughs)

And why do people take one
yoga class and then

All of a sudden,
start going, "namaste?"

(laughs)

So, I've got to
manage my stress, right?

So, I try to exercise,
and I tried the other--

A few months ago, to do
aqua fit, you know.

And there's a
health and safety issue.

Let's get a bunch of people
with leaky bladders...

And put them in an aquarium
of warm water and

Hope for the best.

- Yeah.
- (laughs)

That's why they make you
lift javex bottles because

You can lift and
disinfect at the same time.

Anyway, if you go to
one of these classes,

There's always a group of
women in the back that talk.

They don't exercise,
just talk and they do this.

They barely make a ripple.

(laughs)

Never shut up.

So, this,
the teacher's there,

And I say, "sh, ladies, sh,"
and then I,

I get mad and I say,
"shut the ---- up!"

And...

One of the old broads
starts doing this,

Like trying to get me wet.

And then, she starts
pushing the water.

And my god, that was
the most exercise

That woman had gotten
in a long time.

And then before I know it,
there's noodles flying and

There's a fight broke out.

And then there's
the arm, underarm...

Fat, wings flapping.

And it sounds like
starlings about to take flight.

And then, whoa, boosh!

I got nailed by a skin tag.

And I had to be
taken to the er.

And can you imagine
the wait time for

An aqua fit related injury?

A long time.
Thank you, good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

People say social media
has turned millennials

Into a generation
of narcissists

Who constantly seek validation.

I don't know if that's true,
but I do know that I don't

Care what you say about me,
as long as you remember

To like, share, and subscribe.

(laughs)

Give it up for
bobby warrener!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my god, winnipeg.

Happy to be here.

Happy to be here, guys.
I'm happy to be here.

Happy to be here mainly
because it means that

At this exact moment,

I'm not looking for an
apartment on craigslist.

(laughs)

Which is what everyone under
30 is doing all the time.

Uh, happy
I'm not doing that.

Had to do that recently.
It's the worst, right?

Trying to find a
new place to live.

Got to talk to all
these landlords, right?

They ask you all
these weird questions, right?

Like I had this one landlord
ask me this weird question.

He's like, "so bob,
can you tell me

A little bit more
about yourself?"

Yeah, I was like, "not if I
want to live here, I can't, no."

(laughs)

Who do you think
that would help, okay?

Had to pull a real
millennial move recently.

Had to do that, had to move
back in with the parents.

That's a millennial move,

Moving back in with the parents.
That's a millennial move.

Old people can't do that,
their parents are dead.

(laughs)

Had to do it though.

It wasn't as bad as I
thought it might be,

Moving back in
with the parents.

It was actually kind of nice
'cause I moved out very young.

So, I forgot about a lot
of things that apparently,

Adults are supposed to do,
because I moved out so young.

You know, like one
thing apparently,

Adults are supposed to
do that I completely

Forgot about is, snacks.

Forgot those existed.

Thought, we all agreed
to wake up at 11,

Drink water to 'til five,
spaghetti, bed.

(laughs)

Then one day my
mom comes up to me.

She's like, "so bob,
would you like a snack?"

I was like, "ah,
what the hell?"

She's like, "a snack.
It's something you have

In between meals so that
you feel less hungry."

I was like, "oh, my god,
mom, you idiot.

Um, that's
called a cigarette."

(laughs)

I love my parents though,
I love my parents.

You know, I love my dad too.
My dad is really cool.

When I was growing up,
my dad,

He was like a real
bad ass, you know,

Real outlaw type.
I remember I was

12 years old when my dad
taught me how to count cards.

Yeah, it took me
forever to learn,

But uh, 52.

(laughs)

Work a day job though.

Work with a lot of
other millennials.

You know, it's nice.

I work with this
girl and her boyfriend.

One day, the girl
comes up to me,

Tells me her boyfriend
is a huge foodie.

So, I go up to him, the next
shift that we work together,

I'm like, "hey, man,
do you know where

I can get the best
sushi in the city?"

And I guess he didn't know
that I knew he was

A huge foodie 'cause
what he said to me,

He said, uh,

"are you just asking me that
'cause I'm japanese?"

(laughs)

Yeah, I was like, "whoa."
he was like,

"how would you
feel if I did that to you?"

I was like, "I'm a middle class
white kid from alberta.

What would you ask me?"

(laughs)

Like, "hey man, you know
where I can get the best

Kraft dinner with hotdogs
cut up inside of it..."

(laughs)

"...In the city?"
"oh, hell, yeah,

Go to my uncle's place,
alright.

He's got a special
ingredient. It's love."

(laughs)

I'm a millennial. You can
tell 'cause I have tattoos.

I have tattoos.

One place I wouldn't
get tattoos though,

Not gonna do it,
is the face.

Don't like the face tattoos.
Saw one recently,

It was the scariest one
I'd ever seen in my life.

Which is saying something
'cause they're all terrifying.

But I saw a guy
coming down the street,

Walking towards me with a
giant face tattoo

Right across his forehead,
said,

"I... Kill... Pigs."

Yeah, I was like,
oh... My... God.

That butcher loves his job.

You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This performer is a
millennial who quit her job

As an economist to pursue a
career in stand-up comedy.

In case any of you
are wondering

How screwed our
country is, financially.

(laughs)

Please welcome, cassie cao!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Hello, wow.

There's a lot
of white people.

No, it's okay,
I'm just noticing.

Hi...

I don't really feel
like I'm in my 30s.

Yeah, you're
surprised too, right?

I look, um, I think I look
too nice to be in my 30s.

(laughs)

Yeah, being nice is
such a 20s thing, I think.

It's like, um, it's like
when people lend you money

And then don't expect
you to pay them back, right.

Or like, waking up in
the morning and

None of your body parts hurt.
It's very 20s, you know.

(laughs)

I know. I, um, I am glad
to be in my 30s.

I love having
left my 20s behind.

I like saying "my 20s" like
it was in the distance past.

But, I've been 30 for
two months, but it's fine.

It's... It's fine.
It still counts, it counts.

I was actually single
up until I was 29 and,

I had made a pact with
myself that if I was still

Single when I made it to 30,
I would just start

Telling people
that I was asexual.

Like you'd have
to at that point, right?

It's like so embarrassing
to have to admit

That you're not alone by choice.

(laughs)

I did meet someone though.

I, I started
dating a white boy.

Oh, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, I'm out here
fulfilling the immigrant dream.

(laughs)

My parents are very excited.
They're actually,

They're so excited because
get this, okay.

He is about to graduate

From med...

...Ieval studies.

(laughs)

From medieval studies.
It's like...

It's not even worth him
being white, is it?

You know?

I mean, seriously,
like technically,

Do you count as white,
if you're poor?

It's hard to know,
it's hard to know.

We met, we met
on the internet, as you do.

My mother was very excited
when she found out

I was taking online
dating so seriously.

She would call me
and she would go,

"you should try match.Com
because that's where

All the really serious men are."

Have we heard this?
Yeah, you and my mom chat?

Cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
she was really convinced.

And I really had to
explain it to her.

You know, I had
to be like, "mom,

I'm not gonna pay
for a dating service.

You know,
I'm lonely, not ugly."

(laughs)

I did take online dating
very seriously, very seriously.

I did all of the apps.

I didn't want to be missing a
direction to swipe, you know?

And I did all
the obvious ones.

I did tinder, I did bumble.

I did, oh, I did okcupid.

I've done some of the
more esoteric ones.

I've done hinge and
coffee meets bagel.

But my favorite one,
my favorite one by far

Is this one called uber.

- Are we on it?
- (laughs)

Ladies? Get on it.

All the men on
there have cars.

(laughs)

So good.
It's really, really good.

(laughs)

I feel like I spent so
long trying to get into a

Relationship that,
now that I'm in one,

It feels very anticlimactic.

Honestly, I don't know what
it's all cracked up to be.

I feel like my whole life,
society has really sold me

This idea that being in a
relationship is like

The antidote to
being single, right.

We all know that the feeling
of being single is like

You've been poisoned, right?

Single people,
we all know, we all know.

Now that I'm in a
relationship though,

I don't really think that it
is the antidote to being single.

If anything, I would think
that that's far too generous.

I think if being single
is like you're poisoned,

I think that being
in a relationship,

At best, is like
you're poisoned,

But you've made it to a
hospital waiting room...

(laughs)

...Where you meet
someone else

Who has also been poisoned.

Right, you lock bloodshot
eyes from across the room.

Ah, your stomach
flutters with acid reflux.

And as you're sharing
that beautiful moment,

The nurse walks out and
she tells you that actually

Prescription medications
are not covered

By your health insurance plan.

And then, you...

Wait to die together.

(laughs)

I feel like that's a
lot more accurate.

Thank you so much,
I've been cassie cao.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

As a member
of generation x,

This comedian grew up
in an era with

Little to no adult supervision.

But to his credit, he didn't
let that stop him from

Learning to smoke, drink,

Or have lots of
unprotected sex.

Put your hands together
for derek seguin!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Alright, thank you,
winnipeg!

This is so cool to be here.
Thank you.

As a gen x-er, I am,

I am the father of
three millennials.

So, thank you for the
opportunity to

Not spend time with them.

This is really nice...

'cause they've all
gotten older now,

They're all old enough.

Now that we don't have any
more of those stupid parents

Bibbet in our house
like santa claus and the

Easter bunny and
all that crap.

Right, we don't have that.
So, I'm not wasting,

In my mind, I'm not gonna
have to waste money on

Christmas presents
anymore, right?

Thinking santa
is the, you know,

He show up with his present.

Oh my god, look,
you wrote that letter to santa.

And he got you the
exact shoes you wanted.

"ah, I wanted this
three months ago.

What a loser, santa."

I'm like, yeah, sure he
worked pretty hard on that,

You little shit.

(laughs)

So, I don't waste
my money anymore.

I have two daughter.

I have two daughter and
both daughter have

The same favorite store.

So I'm like,
this is perfect.

I get to, I get to
not waste money.

I'll take this one
shopping for that one,

That one shopping
for this one.

That's why, even if they
don't like what the

Other one picked, just give it
to the one that pick it

In the first place, right?

I don't have to
waste my money,

Buying the thing
that they don't want.

I walk in this store,
it's the most liar,

Hipster, stupid fake
store in the world.

They're like, "oh, we're
too cool to even put

The carpet in the place.
Like it's just cement floor.

They don't even have table.

They just like stole a fire
escape off a building and

Just garage the
thing on there.

We're too cool.

Trying to bring back vinyl
'cause they're so cool.

Vinyl, like, selling record
player this stupid bouffant,

Mickey mouse fisher price
(stammers) record player.

(laughs)

I stutter when I,
when I get angry.

(laughs)

But this store,
they try to sell you on vinyl.

Like we're gonna
sell record player.

Now crappy
record play for $400.

And then we're gonna bring
out people on vinyl

Selling record, like brittany
spears box set for $80.

I'm like, britney spears
was never on vinyl

In the first place.
She missed the vinyl wave.

She's, she's more
made of vinyl, kids,

Than being on vinyl.

So, we walk in this store
and my daughter immediately,

So excited. She's like, "oh,
my god, daddy, daddy,

Look at this t-shirt,
it's so nice."

And all I saw was the price tag,
right away, $80.

$80 for a t-shirt.
Tabarouette, est tu malade?

And then I see
the t-shirt though.

It's ac/dc t-shirt.
Ac/dc. Tabarnac!

You made me turn off ac/dc
on the way to this store.

(laughs)

I'm not paying $80 for a t-shirt
that you hate what's on it.

I said, "listen, listen,
I have good news though.

I have this t-shirt.

I was at the 1991
thunderstruck tour.

You can have mine.
I paid $12 for it."

(laughs)

You can get it.
It's in my third drawer

With all my other
painting clothes.

It's yours, you can have it.

And then, and then
these millennials,

They think they're
so smart, right?

You can never,
they think--

They have to argue everything.

My daughter said
to me, "oh dad,

I don't want your
stupid old t-shirt.

This one," check,
this is what she said,

"this one, it's vintage."

And I'm like, "haha!
Stupid kid!

Vintage means old,
you loser!"

(laughs)

"and you go to
english school, you dummy."

(laughs)

Vintage means...

I'm like, "no,
you can't have that.

Pick something else.
This is stupid.

You're not having
an ac/dc t-shirt."

So, she picked up
this pair of jean.

She picked up this
pair of jean and she's,

It's like she's looking at
something sacred.

She's like,
"oh my god, daddy.

Oh, my god.
Look at these jean.

0h, my god, daddy, they're
the perfect mom jean."

The perfect mom jean?

I'm like, wait a second now.
What is happening?

When did mom jean become
a compliment for jeans?

Mom jean, like, if I
see jeans that are,

"oh my god, those are
a mom jeans, ugh."

They have that extra little
poche to catch the

Badunka donk or whatever.
Ah, what is that?

Where are they even
getting the zippers for

These high waist jean?

The coat factory called,
they need their zippers back.

(laughs)

Like what angry, resentful
fashion designer has

Convinced you ladies,
that these look nice.

They don't look nice.
And listen, I'm a feminist.

I'm, I'm not telling
ladies how to wear.

I'm not saying like, you have
to wear low rise jean

To show like half your
pubis or whatever.

No, you just wear
whatever you want.

I'm just saying,
you think those look nice.

Guess what?
You're wrong!

They do not look nice.
Like, is it practicality?

Is it so that you can get at
your text messages faster?

You're just walking along like,
"oh, I got a text.

There we go."

- (laughs)
- put it back.

(laughs)

So gross.

And that -- they
always have-- girls,

Girl's shirt, like, look, see,

I wear my shirt
past my belt, right.

Lady's shirt, the way
they're designed is to

Always end at the
belt of the pant.

These high waist jean,
my daughter,

Every day I come home,
my daughter's cutting

Her shirt to finish with
the high waist jean.

She reaches for
a cup, I'm like, why?

Just a little
bit of under teet.

We don't need
that in the house.

(laughs)

When I do her laundry,

I'm washing nothing but
collars and sleeves.

It's stupid. The point is,

My generation's the best.
Theirs is the worst.

And you are the
best audience ever.

Thank you so much, winnipeg.

Have a great evening,
good night!

♪ (cheering & applause
continues) ♪

Well, folks,
that's our show.

I think the important
thing to remember is that

No matter what
generation you're a part of,

To the people of the future,
we'll all seem

Equally terrible and racist.
Goodnight!

♪ (cheering & applause
continues) ♪

♪