All language subtitles for W.C.F.S19E04.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪

The winnipeg comedy festival
presents, the travel show!

Please welcome your host,

Jennifer robertson!

♪ (cheering &
applause continues) ♪

Good evening, winnipeg!

Tonight's show
is about travel.

Yes, the fun in the sun,
luggage packed,

Passport stamped,
world of globetrotting,

Jet setting and
generalized vacaying.

My name is
jennifer robertson.

I am your host.

But please, think of me
as your travel guide.

Some of you may recognize
me as jocelyn schitt,

From the emmy award winning
show, schitt's creek.

- Thank you.
- (applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Who would've known that the
character I'd be most

Proud of would be named
jocelyn schitt?

(laughs)

I did not see that coming.

But what I did see coming
is taking a trip to winnipeg

Because traveling within
canada is the new

Traveling anywhere
else in the world.

When the world
was our oyster,

Canada was easier to overlook
as a travel spot, right?

Being more the
quirky, reliable,

Best friend than
the star attraction.

I wouldn't call her
an ugly duckling, per se.

You know, more like a,
a goose runt or

A goofy baby goose.

Well, goodbye
runty gosling and,

Hello, ryan gosling...

And reynolds.

Our greatest exports
are lumber, oil,

And attractive ryans.

(laughs)

We have to be careful though,
if we export too many,

We won't have enough
ryans for ourselves...

To frack.

(laughs)

But you know what else
canadians love to hit?

The road,
especially in the summer.

There is so much of canada
to see in the two months

It's not covered in snow.

(laughs)

And holy, we are road
tripping in our own country,

Like never before.

It's the geographical
version of naval gazing.

And we are very into us.

(laughs)

The best thing about all
this alone time with the

Great outdoors is the degree
to which canadians are

Tooling around in
their own provinces.

It is charming as schitt.

Sorry, still pronounce it
with two t's and a silent c.

It's just a force of habit.

(laughs)

We drove to murky lakes,
majestic mountains,

And rustic campgrounds.

So rustic, maybe too rustic.

Only me? Okay, fine.

We're just gonna
stay the one night.

When you travel the country,
you develop a real

Appreciation for
all that canada is.

It has so much more
to offer than

What's in our little corner.

It's bugs, it's mostly bugs.

There are so many ways
to get bitten in canada.

When I travel abroad,

My mom always worries
that I'll be killed.

Yeah, that's just where her
sunny disposition takes her.

Whereas most
people are like,

"bring me back a snow globe,"
my mom was all like,

"oh honey, you'll be
murdered in prague."

(laughs)

"Italy? You'll all be
hit by taxi cabs."

"each of us, mom?

Statistically, I don't
think that's possible."

"joke all you want, dear,
but don't come crying to me

When the children are
carried off by

Howler monkeys in
central america."

(laughs)

Nobody does oddly specific
doom and gloom like my mom.

And so cheery, too.

So, this year, I gleefully
told my mom the

Great news is, that if I
die on this trip,

You won't have to
clear my body

Through international customs.

(laughs)

And honestly, she smiled.

You know, who else made
a killing this summer?

Murderers. Also...

Anyone who sells fudge,
because every tiny town

Is always selling fudge.

And this year,
we were there for it.

It's an epidemic.

Every turn and
turn off, boom,

Fudge stop,
fudgeteria, fudge nook,

Fudge shack, and the
classic throwback,

Ye olde fudgy shoppe.

(laughs)

It's kind of like when
you're pregnant and then

All you notice are
other pregnant bellies,

It's like that,
but with fudge,

Oh, fudge, we got to
get the show on the road.

Are you ready, you guys,
are you ready?

(cheering & applause
continues)

♪

It was ralph waldo
emerson who famously said,

"it's not the destination,
it's the journey."

I think that is the most
poetic description I've ever

Heard of a man's refusal
to ask for directions.

(laughs)

Please welcome
the very funny,

Pete zedlacher!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(inaudible speaking)

(cheering & applause)

What!

- Hello, canada!
- (cheering)

My god.

One of the great perks of
being canadian is that

We get to travel
around the world.

We have that
canadian passport.

Every country in the world's
like, "come on in," right?

21 different countries I've
traveled to and performed in.

My, my favorite
one was afghanistan.

You guys been
to afghanistan?

You got to go, guys.

Oh, I'm telling you,
this time of year,

The landmines are
changing color.

(laughs)

It's...

Three different occasions
I was over there

Performing for our troops.

And on the final time
I was over there,

I, I'd become old hat. I knew
exactly what I was

Walking into in
kandahar airfield.

And I landed, and the
soldiers met me and

They said, "hey, pete,
just to give you a heads up,

The taliban, they found
a collection of russian

Rockets and they're firing
them into the camp now."

And I was like,
"oh, this is different.

This is different."
I said, "are we in danger?"

And he said, "no, they suck.
They don't work, don't worry."

(laughs)

So, the soldiers tell me,

"don't worry, we've got
a radar system set up.

We're gonna hear
the radar go off.

When you hear the radar siren
go off, hit the ground."

This is what he tells me,
"hit the ground,

You'll probably
be all right."

(laughs)

Probably.

Put a probably in there just
to plant the seed of doubt.

So, I'm performing on stage.

I'm in kandahar,
afghanistan,

In front of,
like a giant stage.

We set up in the
middle of the desert.

There's 1500
soldiers in front of me.

And in the background,
is the mountains of afghanistan.

Amazing. So, and I'm
telling the soldiers,

I'm like, "so,
they're firing rockets.

Are they firing
from the mountains?"

And they said, "yeah."
I said,

"is that where the taliban are?"
and they're just like,

"yeah, they're up there."
and I'm like,

"are they up there right now?"
and I'm making a joke.

And they're like, "yep,
they're up there right now."

And I'm like, "are they
watching right now?"

And they're, "oh yeah,
100%, 100%.

They are very curious as to
what's happening right now."

I'm on an elevated stage,

Under bright
white spotlights...

Wearing a white hockey
jersey with a red maple leaf

In the middle. Just...

(laughs)

Hi! Hi, come on down!

Come on!

So, I laughed, I said,
"this is unique.

I don't think any performer
in the history of war has

Performed to both sides
of a war before, right?"

The good guys up front and
the bad guys in the back.

So, I said to
the soldiers, "so,

I'm giving you one
of these thumbs up,

Come home,
safe and sound."

And I gave them another
digit in the back, right.

I flipped off the taliban,
which made us all cheer, right?

Two minutes later...

"shhh!" that's when the
rocket came in.

I like to think that I
started an international

Incident by flipping off
the taliban, okay.

(laughs)

So, I'm in the
middle of my show.

My rocket attack
siren goes off.

I'm gonna do an
impression for you.

So, this is the rocket
attack siren

In kandahar, afghanistan.

Ooooo.
"rocket attack."

(laughs)

A very proper british
woman's voice

Announces "rocket attack".

So, my reaction to hearing
the rocket attack siren

Was like, "why would they
choose a british-- oh,

I'm supposed to
lie on the ground!"

I forgot the one thing
I'm supposed to do.

Soldiers grab me,
they usher me off stage,

Go into a concrete bunker.

Now I'm in a concrete bunker
with all the soldiers.

I'm there, in there with
canadians and the americans,

The brits, australians,
norwegians, germans.

I was in a bunker
with germans.

Think about that for
a second. I was in...

I said to them,
"good to see you

On the right side
this time," right.

(laughs)

Don't get offen-- they laughed.
Don't get offended.

The german soldiers
laughed at that.

They were like,
"this is true, yes.

This is-- very much on the
wrong side last time, yeah.

Sorry about that, yeah."

(laughs)

But I was asking
the soldiers like,

"why is it a british woman
announcing the rocket attack?"

And they said,
"well, english is the most

Prevalent language.
So, it should be in english."

And I'm like, "yeah,
that makes sense,"

But there's also french
soldiers there too.

Could've been in french.

That would have
taken too long, right.

It would've been like,
"oooo."

(speaking french gibberish)

(laughs)

(speaking french gibberish)

Everybody's dead
before he's done talking.

- So they--
- (laughs)

But I said, "why, why
is it a british woman?"

They said, "well,
it's comforting voice,

Maybe articulate,"
you know. And I said,

"that makes sense,"
but there's australians there.

And I said, "how come
it's not an australian

Announcing the rocket attack?"
and the aussies were like,

"all right, what would
that sound like?"

I said, it would
be like, "oooo."

(buzzing, grunting
continues)

I don't even care
if you don't laugh,

That's my favorite
joke I've ever written.

That's-- you know
what I mean?

It just, it tickles
me so much to do.

(laughs)

I said to the germans, "how
come it's not in german?

How come they're
not announcing

The rocket attack in german?"
I knew why,

'cause it would scare the hell
out of everybody, that's why.

(laughs)

Oooo! Halt!

Schnell! Schnell!

(laughs)

(speaking german)

Nein!

(laughs)

That would be if rammstein
announced the rocket attack.

You're cool, okay.

Some of you were like,
what is happening,

I don't...?

(laughs)

I told the soldiers
in the bunker,

"it should be a canadian
announcing the rocket attack.

Canadians, we're
respected worldwide.

When a canadian has
something to say, people listen.

Canadian announces
the rocket attack."

Oooo.

Sorry, okay, ah...

No, listen fellas, there's
a rocket coming in and we,

You know, you got
to lie on the ground.

So no, listen,
if you lie on the ground,

You'll probably
be all right.

Guys, we talked
about this. Okay.

It's heading right for you.

Uh, don't be a
bunch of dinks.

Hey, come on guys.
It's henry.

Ah, geez.
I'll tell your mum."

(laughs)

Thank you so much,
winnipeg.

That was an
absolute pleasure.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This performer didn't go
through customs to get here,

But he's still got
plenty to declare.

Please welcome,
gino durante.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Great to be here, winnipeg.
Very excited.

Love to travel.

Recently went on
vacation in mexico.

I don't get people who go
to all-inclusives and

Complain about everything.

Right, you hear some
of them on the beach.

"this is not a five star.
Three star at best.

The paint was coming
off in the bathroom.

Tiles were moving.
Couldn't get a beach chair.

Entire staff only
spoke spanish."

(laughs)

All inclusive, you're not
allowed to complain.

These guys bend over
backwards to make you happy.

I asked for a wake-up call.
They don't call you.

You get a mexican dude
who comes in your room

With a banjo going...

♪ (singing in spanish) ♪

(laughs)

♪ (singing in spanish) ♪

"rise and shine,
mr. Durante."

(laughs)

♪ shine bright
like a diamond. ♪

(laughs)

(applause)

Now, when you travel,

You meet people from
different cultures.

You get to hear how
they communicate.

We had two tourists
from scotland trying to

Understand the
mexican bartender. Like,

(thick accent)
"waiter, my girl,

Can you help me and my
friend out here?

We want two brewskies."

"okay, we no have brewskies
but we have jet skis."

(laughs)

"water skis."

"ooh, you're
gonna give us stroke.

We just want two pints."

"ah, okay.
We have apple pies...

Lemon pies. One moment.
Amigo..."

(speaking spanish)

"and cherry pies."

(laughs)

Scottish dudes
were so discouraged.

They were like,
"you know what?

Screw it, give us
the cherry pies."

(laughs)

Now also,
where you travel

Determines how you communicate.

Right, I have a friend from
mexico moved to montreal.

His name is jorge.

Cannot meet a
girl in montreal.

He told me in mexico,
he always had a girlfriend.

But I think it's
different cultures,

Different ways
of communicating.

He told me, he's like,

"I don't understand
the problem here.

I was out with some friends.

I see a girl,
I go talk to her.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to meet you.

Did you want to dancing?
Do you like to dance,

Te gusto ballar,
dance a little bit?

And she said, 'get lost'."

I was like, "wow,
what bar was this?"

"no, it was at walmart
this morning in the lineup."

(laughs)

Now, in montreal, we have a
lot of french canadians and

Some of them mess up
english expressions.

When you visit, you'll hear
them in the streets. "yeah?

And what goes around,
it's gonna come by the back."

(laughs)

Confusing for tourists.

And with their inflections,
some french canadians

Say one thing and it
sounds different.

My neighbor is
french canadian,

Always speaks to
me in english.

Saw her the other day,
she tried to say,

"my house is always open."
but she was like,

"gino, anytime you want,

My 'hasshole' is open."

(laughs)

"excuse me?"

"okay, sorry, my
english is not very,

Um, oh my god,
I'm so 'bareass'."

(laughs)

Now, when you
travel from montreal,

You'll always get a pilot
who isn't so bilingual.

Gives the instructions
fluent in french.

Not so much in english.
Like....

(speaking french)

"ah..."

(laughs)

"welcome...

To the plane."

(laughs)

"we go to cancun and...

We're gonna get there."

(laughs)

"in montreal now it's cold.

But over there, she's hot."

(laughs)

"we, uh, we hope
that you gonna

Pleasure yourself
on this flight."

(laughs)

"please note the departure
will be a little bit retarded."

(laughs)

"if you have a
question for the cockpit,

Our hasshole is open."

Winnipeg, you are wonderful.
Thank you very much.

Thank you.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

This performer
usually flies coach,

But her comedy is
always first class.

Please welcome,
martha chaves!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

I love to be here.

I travel a lot
because of my job.

I am a terrorist.

(laughs)

Oh, thank god, you laugh.

In some places, that
joke is frowned upon.

Especially don't say
it to customs officers.

They have no sense of humour.

It's against the law
to joke at customs.

And usually,
it's against the law.

And usually when I'm
nervous, I joke.

And I am always nervous
when I cross the border

Because I am going...

To work legally, and, uh...

(laughs)

And last time I went,
I was really nervous.

I was sweating like trump...

At a spelling bee.

(laughs)

And that customs guy,
he asked me,

"are you planning to
work in the united states?"

And I was, "no, I am
planning to go on welfare."

(laughs)

I had a lot of
explaining to do.

(laughs)

I went to do shows in a
little town in northern alberta.

One of those towns
that are by the pipeline.

You know, it was
a horrendous bar.

When I get there,
I see the people.

And usually, I love to talk to
people from all over the--

Usually people don't
know anything about me.

I come here, maybe we don't
have anything in common,

But I find that we will be
able to bridge, you know,

Like I will be able to
communicate with you.

But when I see
the people there,

Oh my god,
mamacita, you know.

They were hammered.

But beyond hammered,
they was, uh,

Maybe they were not
even drunk with alcohol.

It was alcohol plus
water from the tar sands.

(laughs)

So, when I see them,
I said, "yeah,

I'm gonna have to
bite the bullet here."

And I started meditating.

"om. I need rum."

Then I get drunk like them,

So we could communicate better.
But then I need to go pee.

I need to go pee. And the
bathroom is downstairs.

And I told you,
the place is filthy.

To go there, the stairs
were really steeps.

And then to go down,
you had to hold the rail.

And holding the rail,
you know,

Or not holding the rail.

To choose between holding
it or not holding it

Was like choosing between
breaking my neck...

And corona.
That was the choice.

(laughs)

So finally, I get
to the bathroom.

I open the door,
pow, with a kick.

I close it with my elbows.

And then I take a gander in
the toilet and it's like

The 9 circles of hell
from dante's inferno.

(laughs)

And then at that moment,
I thank god that the floor

Is sticky because I can
just plant myself like a,

Glue my feet there.

It's like if I have suction
cups in the sole of my feet.

And I know that I'm not going
to fall on that filthy toilet.

And then I could just
pee to my heart desire.

"sssss."

And when I find out that
there is no toilet paper,

I could just shake
the chimichanga,

♪ la, lo, la, lo,
la, lo, la, lo, la, lo. ♪

Yeah, I wasn't going
to wipe with my shirt.

I'm a classy broad.

(laughs)

I wasn't going
to put my leg up,

That thing dries
your hands, you know.

Can you imagine that?

Brrrrp, brrrrp, brrrrp.

(laughs)

And, what if I like it?

(laughs)

(applause)

Then I will have to go to
public bathrooms

To get my kinks, you know.

I will go with a hoody.

You will see me in
the evening news.

They will say, 'the bathroom
bandit is at large."

(laughs)

"we can't tell who she is
because she's wearing a mask."

It's the law.

The moral of the story is
that when you travel again

And you go to little towns,
bring your own toilet paper.

That is the
moral of the story.

Thank you, winnipeg,

You have warmed
my heart so much!

Thank you, thank you!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Not only does this comic
have a lot of baggage,

But he also
loves to carry on.

Please welcome ryan dillon!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

What's up?

- (cheering)
- woo.

- (laughs)
- I love you guys.

This is great.

I never got to
travel much growing up.

Traveling wasn't a
thing in my family.

We were very poor.

The only thing we did
for vacation was camping,

Which is just
being poor outside.

(laughs)

That's all camping is,
it's just being poor outside.

We went camping 'cause
my mom was prepping us

For when we lost the house.

(laughs)

But just a few years ago
I actually went on

My very first big
trip by myself.

My girlfriend and
I went to iceland.

Iceland, yeah, the
nicest place in the world.

- (applause)
- yes, yes, iceland.

Give it up for iceland, yes!

Yeah, we went to iceland.

Nicest place in
the world, right?

And the trip
almost got ruined.

The trip almost got ruined.
Here's what happened.

First thing's first,

We bought our tickets
with wow airlines.

- (laughs)
- yes.

For those who don't know,
they don't exist anymore.

They went bankrupt right
after I bought the tickets,

Which sucks 'cause the only
reason you go with wow

Is because they're so cheap.

That's why they're called
wow 'cause you're like,

"wow, they're so cheap."

(laughs)

But then they went bankrupt.
Didn't give me my money back

Then charged my credit
card a $200 fee.

And I was like, "wow, you
guys are cheap," right.

So then we had to buy a
second pair of tickets

At full price. So now my
girlfriend's nervous.

So on the day of the flight,
she looks at me,

She goes, "don't
forget your passport."

I was like, "I'm not
gonna forget my passport."

She said, "don't
forget your passport."

I was like, "I'm not
gonna forget my passport."

She said, "don't
forget your passport."

I was like, "I'm not
gonna forget my passport."

She said, "don't
forget your passport."

And what happened,
we went to the airport,

We got through security,

We got up to the gate,
and what did I do...?

I brought my passport
and she forgot hers.

(laughs & applause)

Yeah, yeah.

So now she's
crying in the airport.

They're closing the
gates for the flight.

Security is asking us,
"what do you want to do?"

She's making a huge scene.

And this is
chaos and madness.

And in that moment,
she looks at me,

She goes,
"just go without me."

(laughs)

(sighs)

(nervous laugh)

Ah-ha!

Ha-ha...

Now I can't do that.
Can you imagine seeing that?

Can you imagine seeing my
girlfriend forget her passport,

Them closing the gates,
asking what we want to do.

Her crying, her asking me
that question.

And I just went,
"hey babe, hey,

Don't worry about it."

"everything's
gonna be okay...

When I get back,"
and I just left, right?

Like, don't worry,
I won't forget you.

It's not like
you're a passport.

(laughs)

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

So now, we had to go back
home and get her passport,

Which means we
missed our flight,

Which means we had to buy

A third pair of tickets
at full price.

We have now spent $6,500
to cry in the airport.

So we finally go,
we're in iceland.

It's amazing,
the people are wonderful.

The country is beautiful.

And we're going to
this music festival.

I'm thinking the
worst is over,

We can finally
enjoy our trip.

But I was wrong, 'cause we
went to the music festival

And came back to the airbnb
to find the door kicked in

Because we got robbed.

We got robbed in iceland,

The nicest place in the world.

(laughs)

Now, here's the thing,
we got robbed.

But what's the thing
you tell yourself

In those situations?
We were safe,

We had each other.
You know, we were fine.

But here's the thing,
they took something

That can't be replaced.

My girlfriend,
when we met a few years ago,

The first gift she got
me was a handmade

Leather notebook for me
to write my jokes in.

Favorite gift I've
ever gotten in my life.

And they took that.

Yeah, and that sucks.
That really bummed me out.

And I remember standing in
the wreckage of the airbnb,

The cop was
talking to hannah,

The place is a mess, and I
remember like looking at the

Mess, thinking like, god,
like they took the notebook.

Like it doesn't mean-- like,
why would they do that?

And then....

I saw on the ground pieces
of paper from my notebook.

And I picked
them up and I was like,

Wait a minute....

They stole the notebook...

(laughs)

But not my jokes.

Did I just bomb while
getting robbed in iceland?

I just bombed while
getting robbed in iceland.

Do you know how unfunny you
have to be for someone

To pick up your joke book,
read your jokes,

Not laugh, rip them out,
throw them to the ground and

They don't even
speak english?

And I was so upset until we
found one piece of paper,

Not in my hand writing.
It was in theirs.

Yeah, and I got the
cop to translate it.

And you know what it said?

It said, "your poetry
goddamn sucks."

(laughs)

And I was like, did I
just get heckled

While being robbed in iceland?

(laughs)

So we had no food,
we had no money.

We had no clothes,
we had nowhere to stay.

And we were stuck
there for three more days.

So we just tried to find
something to do in iceland

That was free,
that was nice.

So we went on this hike,
all these tourists do.

And we got to the top of
this mountain and

We're holding each
other's hands.

And you know when you
and your partner are mad,

But you're not
mad at each other.

You're just mad
at the thing.

And we're sitting
there in that energy.

And I just remember
thinking, god, this trip.

I just want to go home.
I just hate it.

And then, I heard my
girlfriend just start laughing.

And I looked at her and
I was like, "what?"

And then she
looks at me, goes,

"how crazy would it be if
you proposed right now?"

(laughs continue)

And then I looked at her....

And I said, "hannah..."

Please don't
ruin this trip."

My name is ryan dillon.
You guys have been fantastic.

Thank you so much.
Bye, winnipeg.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This comic says,
if you don't behave,

She will turn
the car around.

Please welcome,
elvira kurt.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Ah, thanks!

It's just like I know
you guys. I love it.

(laughs)

Alright, so, now, would it
surprise you to learn that I...

Do a lot of lesbian cruises?

Or was that,
for some of you,

The final piece
of the puzzle?

(laughs)

Oh yeah, muff diver
loves the water.

Check, alright.

(laughs)

Cruises get shit on a lot.

I mean, cruises
and cruise ships,

They already had a bad rap
even before the rona, right?

If it wasn't like
the gastro bug,

It was human error.

Go online, the internet
filled with videos of these

Massive ocean going vessels,

Just plowing into docks.

(laughs)

From like a slow,
like so slow.

It's like, slow,
violent inevitability.

Nooo!

(laughs)

I'll never forget that
one cruise ship accident.

Do you guys
remember this one?

The um, where
that captain...

The captain hit an island.
Do you remember that one?

The costa concordia.
Do you reme--

Oh my god, the guy has like
a 50,000 ton boat.

Does a tight turn,
whole thing tips over.

It was like such a disaster.

Twice the weight of the
titanic and this guy is

Steering it like
it's a jet ski.

(laughs)

"captain, small
island dead ahead."

"ay, ay! Want to spray it?"

(laughs)

To be fair, alright,
to the cruise industry,

Cruises are, are amazing.

Cruises are amazing.

There's no better way to
see the world than

While you're destroying it.

(laughs)

I once did a cruise, one
of these lezzie cruises,

From montreal to
boston, which,

You know, it's very hard to
justify montreal to boston.

Like, you can take
a bus for 89 bucks.

(laughs)

You can actually bike it.

A cruise ship from
montreal to boston,

Who am I, beyoncé?

(laughs)

I'd like to leave montreal
and make my way to boston

In the most extravagant
manner possible.

(laughs)

But the best,
the best cruise I ever took,

The best of these lezzie
cruises I ever took

Was the baltic sea cruise.

Mostly, because I didn't
really know where it was.

- And...
- (laughs)

I'm not that
interested in the world.

And, I just didn't
expect russia

To feel so familiar to me.

And like I should have,
right, 'cause I'm hungarian.

But like russians are
the most dour people ever.

And as a hungarian,
I know from joylessness.

(laughs)

Imagine an entire country
full of melania

When she's off camera.

(laughs & applause)

Our tour guide in
russia was the best.

Which means that she was the
most miserable person ever.

(laughs)
oh, my god.

She just sat there while, she--
the bus was touring

Around st. Petersburg,
just listing off,

You know, depressing
statistic one after another.

"life expectancy in
russia keeps dropping.

The economy is so bad and
the people are very unhappy.

Crime is on the rise.

And living here my
whole life and my bag,

Wallet stolen three times
just in this month.

So ladies, I beg of you,
for the love of god,

Do not let go of
your valuables.

Now, please go
enjoy the city."

(laughs)

So, I've been traveling
for work for

A very, very long time.

I've been doing this
for a very long time.

And the first
time I went out,

I did this weird
sentimental thing.

And I wrote my
parents a postcard.

And I wrote it in
hungarian because

I thought it would be funny.

Also, it's the
language they speak.

(laughs)

So, not totally random.

And, it was my
first language,

Even though I was
born in canada.

And, I did it partly because
my hungarian is so rusty

That I wanted
to practice it.

Like I have really basic,
fundamental,

Like grade three
level hungarian.

So they, everything
I write and speak,

It's very clunky, you know.

Like an expression, like,
"drive this point home,"

When I speak it or
write it in hungarian,

It comes out as, "I am
putting this thought into

Your car and taking
it to your house."

(laughs)

Like it works,
but it's clunky, right?

And who cares,
it doesn't matter,

Until this one time where

I'm doing another tour
of college shows.

I'm in jfk airport and
walking towards me

From the other end of the hall,
I see, oh my god,

It's my cousin.
It's my cousin from hungary.

The last time we saw
each other we were kids.

And now here we
are as adults.

And in that instant that
we're hugging and crying,

It occurs to me that I
haven't told her anything

About my life,
anything about who I am.

And that maybe, you know,
she'd be deeply offended

If I didn't include
her in who I was.

And so I realized I
wanted to tell her that

I was a lesbian right there.

I start talking
and then, you know,

It dawns on me like in an
instant that I have

No idea how to say
homosexual in hungarian.

(laughs)

So, I'm not sure, but what
I think I said

Was that I like to travel
on top of women.

(laughs)

I think that pretty much put
the thought into her car and

Took it to her house.

Thanks a lot, everybody!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

A famous author
once wrote,

"live your life by a
compass, not a clock."

That's a powerful message
I think of every morning

When I wake up at the
crack of east southeast.

(laughs)

Please welcome,
mike delamont.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello...

Hello. How are you?

It's nice to be here.

This is exciting.
I'm so happy to be here.

My wife and I, we just
celebrated our

Fifth wedding anniversary.

- (cheering & applause)
- and, I know, I know.

And I know when I say,
"wife," people are like,

"hm, does he mean wife?"

'cause I, I hear
how I talk as well.

(laughs)

This is my all the time voice.
This is what I sound like.

And, we went to jamaica
to celebrate our fifth wedding--

And if you have a chance
to go to jamaica, do.

It's incredible.

But we'd never taken
a vacation before.

And now, I like to
go on vacations,

But I learned on this
experience that

My wife likes to take trips.

And trips sound
like vacations, but they're not.

(laughs)

A trip is when you
go and you see all,

Let's go and see the...

"bl-bl-bl".

Like let's,
let's climb the "bleh".

Like I don't, I don't
want to do any of that.

I want to go on a vacation.

Like, I want to
be in a pool,

Drunk as a skunk
the whole time.

Like, I want a pina
colada in both hands.

And I want to have been in
the pool long enough

To make the other
tourists nervous.

(laughs)

Like I want them to be like,
"did he get out to pee today?"

And I did not.
No, I did not, no.

That's what chlorine is.
That's what chlorine is for.

(laughs)

But we got there,
and it was wonderful.

It was perfect,
it was the vacation spot.

But my wife surprised me.
My wife says,

"how would you feel
about going snorkeling?"

And I was gonna say, "no!"

But I said, "yes,"

'cause I decided that
what I would do

Is I would hedge my bets.

I'm six foot seven.
I have a size 16 foot.

There is no way a
jamaican rental hut

Is going to have
rental equipment

To fit my gigantic
porpoise body.

So I said, "yes, that
sounds delightful."

So, we go down to
the rental hut,

And with too
much confidence,

I say, do you have
a size 16 flipper?

And the man says, "yes."

And then he reaches down
into the far left cubby and

Pulls out the dustiest pair
of flip-- these hadn't seen

Daylight since the
reagan administration.

Like they...

He blew on them,
like he found a lamp.

Ooh-ooh.
Like, make a wish.

I wish I wasn't here!

(laughs)

And then we all get masks,
these little circular masks.

The guy goes,
"before you put these on,

I have to show
you the technique."

(laughs)

So, I took off
my sunglasses,

Which I was so angry about
because I had just gotten

Brand new sunglasses.

And it was the first time
I ever got sunglasses

That fit my fat face.

I realize people don't
know what that means.

If you're skinny,
good for you.

Congratulations on
your life choices.

But I have big, like
big honking owl cheeks.

So every single
time I smile,

My sunglasses go, boop!

(laughs)

So, I take those off and...

This is the, this is the
technique to

Attach the mask to your face.

I'm glad everyone's
sitting for this.

He said, "I want you
to spit in the mask."

I said, "that's gross."

He said, "then take
two fingers and

Mush the spit around the mask."

I said, "this is grosser."

He said, "now put the
mask on your face."

And I said,
"this is a rental!"

(laughs)

He said, "don't worry. We
clean 'em after every use."

And I said,
"I saw the flippers!"

(laughs continue)

So, I put it to my face,
put the rubber band around.

And this is the technique.
Welcome to my ted talk.

This is the technique,
this is how--

This is how you secure
it to your face.

This is it.
(inahles) that's it.

You just inhale
through your nose.

And then the
mask goes, fwoop.

(laughs)

So, we get on the boat
and we go out in the bay.

We don't even go far.
So, I get in the water.

And the moment I get in the
water and I put my face in

The water and I start
to actually snorkel.

It's overwhelming.
It's a wonderful experience.

I'm a good swimmer,
I've always swam.

And that, that
feeling of that, that...

Bathtub, warm
water hugging you.

And you can feel
the sun on your back.

And you can see through
that crystal clear water,

You can see it move
on the sand and

You can see fish and creatures.

It's, it's a
wonderful experience.

It was overwhelming.
And I felt pure joy.

And in a moment of
pure joy, I smiled.

(laughs continue)

That spit technique was no
match for my owl cheeks.

Not at all.

I smiled and
that mask, just,

Fwoop, just off my face.

And I started to titanic.
It just starts to flood.

And I freak out,
like I am crying.

I think, it was so salty.

And I scream, which
is mostly bubbles.

And I am losing my mind.

Like, I'm a good swimmer,
but not right now.

'cause I am panicked,
I am freaking out.

I can hear people just scream,
but they're moving away from me.

And the cacophony of the
madness is getting

Quieter and quieter
and quieter.

But I can still
hear a voice.

I can hear my wife's voice.

I can hear my wife's
voice crystal clear

Over the silence,
over all of it.

I hear my wife say...

"stand up!"

(laughs continue)

I don't mind telling you, I,
I had hissy fitted my way

Into what I will generously
call two feet of water.

(laughs)

When I got up, it didn't
even touch my shorts.

I didn't even go
back in the water.

I just walked
back to the resort.

That's all I did.

Listen, you guys
have been fantastic.

Thanks for having me.
I appreciate it.

See you again soon.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Well folks, that's our show.

Before you leave, I'd like
to share one of

My favorite travel
quotes with you.

Stop worrying about the
potholes on the road and

Enjoy the journey...

Unless you're a
winnipegger, in which case,

Definitely worry
about the potholes.

Good night, everybody.
Thank you.

♪ (cheering &
applause continues) ♪

♪