All language subtitles for W.C.F.S19E03.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪

The winnipeg comedy
festival presents,

The tech show!

Here's your host,
erica sigurdson!

- Thank you!
- (cheering & applause)

Wow! Oh, stop it.

Just a little bit more.

- Hi, guys.
- (cheering)

Hello, hi.

Welcome to the
winnipeg comedy festival.

Yes, I am your host,
erica sigurdson.

And tonight's show is
all about technology.

Yeah, oh, ooh, exciting.

You know, technology,
that thing you spend way

Too much money on
to make your life

Way more unnecessarily
complicated.

Like, do we really need
our appliances to be

Equipped with
advanced technology?

I think we peaked
at roomba, right?

That's smart technology.
It vacuums my floor

While I am on the couch
drinking red wine.

This is also why I have the
roomba wet/dry, right?

In case I nod off and
then she can do another lap.

Like, too many of our
daily household items

Are trying to adopt technology.

Do I really need a tete-a-tete
with my toothbrush?

Is that necessary?
I'm closer to my fitbit

And my kitchen than I am
with my own family.

Smart fridges
are ridiculous.

Oh, sorry, mom.
I can't talk right now.

I just got a text
from my fridge and,

My cauliflower's going
through a really rough time.

(laughs)

Like, what is happening?

The more our
appliances get advanced,

The worse the appliances.
Right?

How long do appliances
last now? Two years?

You know they're crap 'cause
they always try to push that

Extended warranty
on you, don't they?

They really-- the sales
person will tell you

How great this fridge is.

"this is the best
thing you'll ever get."

And then, as he's
ringing you up,

He will look you dead
in the eye and say,

"this fridge is trash.

You're definitely gonna
want the extended warranty."

(laughs)

Right, yet in 1946,
my grandparents were

Given a refrigerator as
a wedding present.

Spoiler alert, my
grandparents are now dead...

But that fridge is still
keeping beer cold

In my uncle's garage.
Right? Yes.

(applause)

And when it comes to
technology advancements,

It's got to make things
better to be worth it.

Like when I travel, I have
a portable wi-fi router

That I hook up in my room.
And I basically get

All the hotel's wi-fi to
give me the best wi-fi.

So, then my neighbours
have barely any wi-fi.

So then, they have to
either talk or have sex,

Which then I ironically close my
laptop and just listen to them.

(laughs)

And besides technology
that makes my life easier,

I'm also a big fan of my
wearable medical technology,

Which makes life a little
bit easier and possible

As a type one diabetic.
That's right, type one.

The original
gangster of diabetes.

- (laughs)
- huh?

I got it when I was a kid.

When my immune
system turned on me,

Attacked my insulin producing
cells in my pancreas,

Tried to kill me.

Do we have any other
type ones in the house?

(laughs)

Any type twos in the house?

Gestational?
Are you there?

Oh, look it, some of
you are confused.

That's right, you showed
up for a comedy show,

But I'm gonna make
you learn something.

(laughs)

It's 'cause I can see,
I can see you're looking,

"what is on her arm?"
on my left arm,

I have an insulin pump and
on my right arm,

I have a dexcom
continuous glucose monitor.

So, one is telling me how
much sugar is in my blood.

The other one is
gonna give me insulin.

Now, you might be thinking,
wow, what a hero.

(laughs)

And you'd be right.

I'm basically an
inspiration to all I meet.

But let's get back
to the technology.

Diabetes tech
has come a way,

Way long way since diabetes
was first discovered.

In fact, up until
the 11th century,

Diabetes was diagnosed
by water tasters...

Who would taste urine...

And if it was sweet,
you had diabetes.

Yeah, that was a job.

Today, it's a fetish.

- (laughs)
- right?

Could you imagine putting
that on your linkedin?

Like how did they
even get that job,

In the first place?

I mean, it was
probably word of mouth.

I'm pretty sure.

- Thank you.
- (applause)

Yeah, I know you
liked that one.

Okay, so, I digress.

So, can we talk about
how terrible having

Type one diabetes
was as a little kid,

At Halloween? I know!

Before this,
candy was off the table.

But my parents would still send
me out trick or treating.

(laughs)

They would send me out,
and then when I came home,

They would take
all my candy away.

And then they would give
me the peanuts and raisins.

(laughs)

Oh, fun.

I was the most regular
kid in school

For the first week of November.

(laughs)

Like Halloween was bad,
but easter was worse 'cause

That's when chocolate showed
up at your house. Right?

So, what my parents would do
is they would hide

Chocolate eggs in my sister,
non-diabetic sister's room,

Chocolate eggs, and then
they'd hide peanuts and

Raisins in my room.

So then, I'd wake
up in the morning,

And my sister would be
in her room and she'd be,

(gasps) "the easter bunny
left chocolates in my room!"

And then I'd look
around and be like...

(gasps) the easter
bunny shit in my room.

(laughs)

Now, what do you say
are you guys ready

To keep this show moving?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

This comic is all that
and a bag of microchips.

Please welcome the
very funny, dan taylor!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

I'm excited to be here.

I was hacked recently,
very terrifying.

I got an email from an app
that I use and they said,

"sorry, sir, it appears that
all of the information that

You put into our app
has been compromised,

Potentially by
russian crime interests."

And I was very concerned
until I remembered that

This app was my fitness pal.

(laughs)

For those of you
that don't know,

My fitness pal is an app
that you record everything

You eat and all
of your exercise.

It's supposed to
help you be healthier.

And I just imagined a
russian crime lord sitting

With my information
going like, "well,

It appears that mr. Taylor
exercises sporadically..."

(laughs)

"and has an
unhealthy relationship

With fried chicken."

(laughs)

Which is true.

And that's one way that you
could get that information

Is to like hack into a
computer server and steal it.

The other way to get that
information would be

Looking at me, like all of
you are doing right now.

(laughs)

But it's weird because these
technological advances just

Open up a whole new world of
things to be nervous about.

This happened
to me recently,

The world became
complex to navigate.

I was trying to pay for
something at a convenience

Store using the tap
function on my debit card.

But there was no tap
function for my debit card.

So, I'm just standing there
with my debit card going...

(laughs continue)

And then, because my
brain is really smart.

It's like, oh, you should
just press harder.

(laughs)

Meanwhile, the poor woman
behind the counter is like,

"sir, we don't. Sir, we...

Sir, we don't...
You'll figure it out."

(laughs)

But it makes it a complex
world in which to live.

Everything is designed
around us now to make us

Feel like we're the
center of the universe, right?

Like I can order food and get
exactly what I want in minutes.

I can have advertisements
that are geared to actually...

To exactly what I want.

So, I'm constantly
walking through the world,

Thinking that everything is
happening to me and at me.

It's a terrible way to
operate in the world.

And the internet has started to
choose who we date for us,

Which makes me nervous.

Because like, I'm old enough
to remember when

Internet dating
was weird, right?

I'm old enough to remember
that if my sister had of

Come up to me in
1998 and went,

"I'm gonna go on a date
with a guy I met in

A geo cities chat room."

I would have said,
"oh, that's dangerous.

Please take this pager so
we can find you later."

(laughs)

And eharmony, I think
they're lying to us too.

Because eharmony says that
they're gonna hook you up

With your partner on 42
levels of compatibility.

42 levels of compatibility.

I've been married
for a thousand years.

There are days we're
lucky if we've got two.

(laughs)

One of which is that
we've been married

For the last thousand years.

The other is that we've
agreed that we're not

Getting out of
this marriage alive.

(laughs)

I ah... But technology can
improve some things.

Like I said, I've been
married a thousand years.

And when my wife and
I first got married,

We would sometimes
engage in marital intimacy.

And if we wanted to listen
to music while

We were engaging in
marital intimacy,

We had to put on a cd.

(laughs)

One cd...

To take you through all of
the peaks and valleys

That goes along with the
marital intimacy experience.

That is a lot of pressure to put
on big shiny tunes seven.

(laughs)

So, now the world is
different, it's great.

I can plan the
whole thing out.

I can, I've made a
playlist in advance.

So, when we go for
regular marital intimacy,

Everything is smooth.

I trust every song
on that playlist.

But, it can get
screwed up because recently,

We had surprise
marital intimacy.

It still happens
sometimes. And...

I didn't have a chance
to put the music on.

I just had to go with
the playlist, the radio,

The internet radio station
that was already going.

And it was terrifying because

I was listening
to canadian rock.

(laughs)

It started off fine.

It was blue rodeo's
'five days in may'.

It's a long song,
I's a romantic song.

Mid-tempo, takes us
about 7 minutes in.

It was great,
we were doing okay.

Second song
playing with fire here.

Now it's sarah mclaughlan.
We're still in a good place.

Third song, jann arden.

By this time, I'm like
this phone is a genius.

This phone knows
everything about us.

It's been tracking
us on our fitbit.

It knows everything about...

It knows everything
about our pg 13 lovemaking.

And that is, and
that's what we've got.

Like, I've been
married a very long time.

We are into completely
normal pg 13 vanilla sex.

That is fine,
we like it that way.

Our sex life is so tame that
you could broadcast it

On cbc television at 9:30 pm...

And no one would notice.

(laughs)

It would just be like, "did we
get the quebec feed early?"

I, ah...

(laughs)

So, by this time,
we've got blue rodeo.

We got sarah mclaughlan,
we got jann arden.

Things are going great.
Everything is awesome.

We're headed, we're
headed to, to great places.

We got a lot of places to go
like till song number four

Comes on, 'the wreck of
the edmund fitzgerald'

By gordon lightfoot.

(laughs)

(applause)

Now I, like many of
you in this room,

Am a big fan of the song
about the great lake

They called gitche gumee.

(laughs)

And there are times and
places when I want to be

Reminded of this
tragic death of 29 sailors.

But not right now.

(laughs & applause)

My name is dan taylor.
You guys have been awesome.

Thanks so much,
have a good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

I just downloaded a
landscaping and

Yard maintenance app.

It's the latest in
cutting hedge technology.

[audience] oh!

Alexa wrote that.

Now welcome a
funny human, joe vu.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Thank you, thanks a lot.

My name is joe and I'm
a fan of technology,

But even I find it
hard to keep up with.

I think the cell phone
is a weird thing.

Like it's the only invention
in the world where its

Intended purpose to call
someone is never used, right?

Like no one calls
each other anymore.

It'd be like, if you didn't use
your microwave to microwave,

You just kept it by your
bedside like a giant clock.

(laughs)

You know?
If I travel back to the 90s,

Pointed to someone's
cell phone, was like,

In the future, you know
that brick in your hands,

Oh, that's gonna
be the most popular

Global consumer
product in the world.

They'd be like, "wow, is
that because in the future

Verbal communication is the
most important thing

To an advanced civilization?"

No, no, no, no.
We're very dumb.

(laughs)

Yeah, no one knows
how to talk anymore.

What we do is we send each
other these short choppy

Sentences, butchering
grammar and spelling,

And no one understands
what we're saying,

So we have to send in these
funny cartoon faces

To help explain what
we really mean.

Yeah, and sometimes also
pictures of vegetables that

Are actually
sexual innuendos.

(laughs)

I think we're very
spoiled with technology.

You know,
we're at the point now,

Where if I pulled out
a five-year-old phone,

People would make fun of me.

Yeah, I think we make
fun of old technology,

Even though none of us
understand how it works, right?

Like we would make fun
of someone using a

Rotary phone, even though
I'm certain a rotary phone

Was invented by some
sort of genius.

And for the young people in
the audience who don't know

What a rotary phone is,
it's a phone back in the day

Where you would need to
rotate parts of it

As if you were casting
a spell, right.

And then, a voice from
beyond would answer.

And that voice would never
be the person that you were

Trying to talk to, because
families would share a phone.

And I remember being a young
guy trying to muster up

Enough courage to
call my crush and

Always getting the father.
I'd be like, "hello,

Mr. Johnson, can I speak
to lisa, please?"

And he would be like,

"no, lisa's doing her
homework right now.

Never call back again.

You will never have
sex with her, joe vu."

(laughs)

Cool, cool, cool, cool.
I'll try again next week.

Thank you, thank you.

Yeah, I'm not always
that successful with women.

But I have been successful
one time with a woman.

- Yeah.
- (laughs)

So back in,
back in high school,

I used to volunteer at
a hospital.

And while I was there,

I met another volunteer
named gloria.

And I had a
huge crush on her.

She was very pretty
and very, very ambitious.

Like at the age of four,

She already knew she
wanted to be a doctor.

That's all she
focused her energy towards.

And she was also
the type of girl

That stressed over everything.

So, even the thought about
trying to become a doctor

Stressed her out and
gave her gray hairs.

And I would tell her all the
time that I thought

She was smart enough and
most importantly,

Kind enough to be a doctor.

And she would tell
me the same thing.

And I'd be like, "sh, sh,
keep your voice down.

Don't give my
father any hope."

(laughs)

So, 15 years later,
I'm cleaning out boxes.

And I find an old picture of us
tucked away inside the box.

It's a picture she gave me
the last time I saw her.

And in the picture, we're
in our hospital uniforms.

We're smiling, we're happy.
Arms over the shoulder.

I'm looking at the
picture and I flip it over,

And I notice for the first time
that she had written me a note.

"dear joe, I've never
told you how much

Your encouragement
means to me.

And I know it will be difficult
for us to keep in touch

With each of us going to

Different universities
next year.

But I really hope we do
because I think we have

Something very special and
I would never want to lose that.

Love gloria."

Now this was like
the land before time,

You know, before
email was a thing,

Like way before texting.

If you wanted to keep in
touch with someone

You had to hand write letters.

And no one hand
wrote letters.

So, we lost touch.

And there I was,
15 years later,

Wondering what
happened to gloria.

You know, did she ever
become that doctor

I knew she was
destined to become?

And then I started to think,
wait a second.

We have something
called technology,

Something called
google and it's magical.

It's mystical,
and it's creepy. Right?

So, obviously, I googled
her name, nothing.

Facebook, nothing.
Instagram, nothing.

Linkedin, nothing.
I got desperate...

Myspace, nothing, right.

And then I remembered
that my father is listed

In the ontario
physician's directory.

So, I put in her name and a
single search result came up.

Someone with her name,
graduating in the year that

Would make sense for us.

And I was like, oh my
god, gloria, you did it.

You became a doctor.
Amazing.

My online stalking skills
have finally paid off.

(laughs)

Beside her name was
an email address.

And I was thinking,
how creepy would it be

If I emailed her to
congratulate her?

And then I remembered, she
knew me back in high school

And I was like way
creepier back then.

So, I emailed her.
Two weeks go by, nothing.

Another two weeks, nothing.
And I'm thinking, okay,

I guess that's the end
of this story then.

That's where this ends.

But then, one day,
I just happened to be

In the neighborhood of
her hospital.

(laughs)

Thought maybe I'd
take a look inside,

Pop in, bump into her.

"oh, my god, gloria, you
work here? That's so random."

So random, yeah.

So, I'm walking
towards her department.

And I start to
think in my head,

What would I say
if I bumped in her?

Oh yeah, "hey, remember
me from over 15 years ago?

Found an old picture of us,
decided to track you down

Because you said
let's keep in touch.

You said it, not me.

I just listened
to what you said.

You're the weird one.
I'm not weird. You're weird."

(laughs)

Uh, yeah,
a little bit weird.

So, I turned around and
I walked out that door,

But what I did instead was
I've written a joke about it.

I'm going on national tv
and sharing it to the world.

And if she contacts me,

That makes her the
weird one, not me!

Yeah!

(applause)

That's how this guy
uses technology for good.

Thank you so much.
My name's joe vu.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

I was, I was interested
in how many people,

When I first came out here,

Were wondering
what is on my arm.

Because I do get a lot,
a lot of--

I get a lot of nicotine patch.

"is that a, how much
do you smoke? Oh my!"

But today, I got the all-time
best inquiry from a man.

He got in the elevator with
me and he looks at me and

Then he looks at my
pump and he goes,

"is that a glade plugin?"

(laughs)

What is happening,
medically, with my body,

That I am wearing a
glade plugin 24/7?

I just looked at him--
like I-- first of all,

If I was wearing
a glade, like,

I certainly wouldn't be wearing
a strapless dress, right.

- (laughs)
- oh my gosh.

All right, are you guys
ready to get

On with the rest of the show?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

If you think technology sucks,
you're doing it wrong.

Here's a comic who
always does it right.

Please welcome,
kathleen mcgee.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Well, uh, it's official.
I caught anxiety.

I did it! I know,
isn't that exciting?

Right? I did,
I caught anxiety.

And a lot of people will
say you can't catch anxiety.

Uh, but you can and I did.

I caught anxiety
from technology.

So, it all started when I
thought I had a panic attack.

And I'd never had one
before in my life so

I didn't know what was going on.

And I asked a
friend that had anxiety.

And she said,
"what happened?"

Well, I told her that, uh,
I was having trouble breathing.

My heart was racing,
I was crying.

I was masturbating
at the time.

(laughs)

I didn't tell her that part.

I didn't want her to
think I was weird.

(laughs)

Social media
gave me anxiety.

The worst form
of technology.

Do you guys remember a
few years ago when the

Hawaiian government tweeted
at the hawaiian people,

"incoming missile.
Aloha." right?

It was an accident,
and they corrected it...

45 minutes later.

You can't tell people
they're gonna die for

45 minutes and not expect
all hell to break loose, right?

If I knew I was gonna die,
I'd do something crazy.

I'd eat a whole
tube of cookie dough.

(laughs)

Salmonella can't
get me now, right.

A man told his wife that
he'd been cheating on her

For 30 years with
her best friend.

[audience] oh!

That man is dead now.

(laughs)

I have anxiety about
the end of the world

Because I am not a survivor.

I don't want to survive.

I've seen those end
of the world movies.

It's always the same thing.

Everyone that
survives has to run.

(laughs)

I don't run for terry fox.
I'm not running for zombies.

(laughs)

So, let's get
back to my friend,

The one with anxiety that
diagnosed me with anxiety.

She said a good way to get
rid of it is to be active,

Lose a little weight,
you know?

Thanks, friend, right,
be active.

What do you mean active?

Like, get up to go to the
fridge a few extra times

To get your snacks?
Yeah, I don't know.

She said, "maybe you could
just start walking places."

Walking?
No, that doesn't work.

That doesn't make you lose
weight 'cause when I walk,

I get hungry, then I
get a pizza. It's science.

That's not gonna
help me, okay.

She said, all you have to do
is get 10,000 steps a day.

Oh, that's it.
Just 10,000 steps a day.

How do I even know how
many steps 10,000 is?

And that's when I was
introduced to the magic of

The fitbit, the world's
most bossy technology.

(laughs)

It's like an alcohol
monitoring bracelet

But for fat people.

It tells on you.
It's not cool.

The first time I
ever had this fitbit,

I was like, I don't know how
many 10,000 steps is.

So, let's take it
for a big walk.

And I went from
this giant walk.

And then when I got home,
I looked and it said zero.

(laughs)

So rude, right?

But then I thought about it
and I realized that

Jesus was carrying me
that entire time.

(laughs)

That poem in my
aunt's bathroom was right.

So now, I just stay at home and
I let christ do my cardio.

(laughs)

I only wanted to
lose weight though

For superficial reasons.

Like I don't care
about my health.

I love recreational drugs
too much, right?

I just wanted to be able to
shop at any clothing store.

If you've never
been over a size 10,

You have no idea.
If I pooped my pants,

I have to find an
old navy, okay.

They're never around
when you need them.

And just once in my life,
I wanted to be able to walk

Into one of those cool
lady boutique stores,

And not have a little blonde
girl bounce up to me and

Be all, "hi, are you here to
buy a gift for someone?"

(laughs)

No, I'm here to
try stuff on, rip it and leave.

(laughs)

Enjoy a full day of markdowns,
you dumb whore.

(laughs)

Thank you, thank you.

I can call her a dumb whore,
I'm a feminist.

So that's okay, that's okay.

So, I have this fitbit and
it's supposed to be

This magical technology.

It's supposed
to make you fit.

But I still got
called fat...

By the only person that's
allowed to call people

Fat anymore, my doctor.

If somebody
called me fat online,

I would just come back and
be like, I'm not fat,

I'm beautiful.

And two friends would like
it and I'd be like, "see?"

Where's my
modeling contract, right?

I tried that with my doctor.

I said, I'm not fat,
I'm beautiful.

And she said, "well,
you're gonna die, gorgeous."

(laughs)

Thank you, winnipeg.
I'm kathleen mcgee.

Have a great night!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

If you've ever wondered
about being bionic,

You are in fact
bionic curious.

(laughs)

You're welcome.

Now, please give it
up for craig fay.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Yes, hi, everybody.
My name's craig fay.

Very excited to
be here tonight.

This is so much more
exciting than my old job

Where I worked in an office.

Do we have any office
workers out here tonight?

[audience]
(faint cheers)

Yeah, that's actually about
the reaction I expected

From the office crowd.

But I will say this on behalf
of all office workers

Everywhere, because I
think it's about time that

It got said, uh, which is this.

Um, if you have
ever made anybody...

Print out an email, sign it,

Scan it and send it back,

You are a
garbage human being.

(laughs)

But they always
justify it, right?

They always say like, "well,
well we need your signature

'cause that's how
we know that

You're the one that
authorized it."

No, it's not.

You know what you need to
know that I authorized it?

You know what you need?

Just an email from
me going, "yup."

(laughs)

That's it,
that's all you need.

Like, by all means, don't
like redirect my paycheck

If you get an email from
babyprincess69@yahoo.Com,

Don't do that.

But if you get an email
from me, that's craigfay

@ the same damn company
we both work at .Com.

I'm pretty sure you can
release 47.80 in gas money.

(laughs)

But no, no,
that's not enough.

That's not secure
enough for them, not,

Not the entire encryption of
the internet and a ten-digit

Password you make me
change every four months.

No, that's not
enough for you.

No, you need a little
squiggle on a piece of paper

That hasn't changed since I
was 12 because apparently,

The finance department is
staffed entirely by

Forensic handwriting analysts...

Sitting there with
a magnifying glass,

Comparing my signature to
all the other examples of

Cursive writing they
have on file for me,

Which can only be a
grade four notebook titled,

"learn how to cursive
right by kerrick foy."

They're sitting
there being like,

"oh, I see the way he loops
the c and dots the I

Matches the way that he
misspelled his own name."

(laughs)

"release the funds!"

And here's the thing, we don't
need signatures anymore.

Here's how little
signatures matter.

For the last two
months at my old job,

I signed all my
expense reports, tim horton's.

(laughs)

Yeah, and not even in my
own handwriting either.

Exactly how you
see it on the cup,

Like up and to the right.

It looked like I had traced it
off of a large double-double.

(laughs)

Nobody noticed.
One, one person noticed,

And they came to me and
they're like, "craig,

Did you do this?

I think we might have to talk
about your attitude problem."

I was like, "well, it was
sent from my business email.

But as we've previously
established

That could have been anybody."

(laughs)

"and I think if you'll
check the signature,

You'll find that the
employee with the

Real attitude is a
mr. Timothy bits."

(laughs continue)

The craziest part of
my old job though, was I...

I still had a desk phone,
I still had a landline.

And, it was one of
those phones where,

Before you started
dialing the number,

You had to hit nine
to get a line out...

And listen, I think we can
all agree that at this point

In history, a landline's main
competition is a cell phone.

(laughs)

And your cell phone
can do anything.

It's your gps,
I's a calculator. It's a camera.

You can type pure
gibberish into your phone.

And it still knows exactly
what you're trying to do.

(laughs)

But my landline
has one job to do,

And I have to hit a button
to remind it to be a phone.

(laughs)

It's sitting
there being like,

"whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! Slow down!

What are we
dialing all of a sudden?

Numbers?
Give me an example."

(laughs)

Every time I
dialed that phone,

It reminded me of having to
ask to go to the bathroom

In elementary school.
You remember that?

Where you're like,
"excuse me,

Can I make a phone call?"

"I don't know. Can you?"

"may I make a phone call?"

"what's the magic word?"

"may I please
make a phone call?"

"that's not the magic word."

"may I nine
make a phone call?"

Guys, you've been fantastic.

Thank you very much,
enjoy the rest of your night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Did you know when lasers
were first invented in 1960,

Scientists had no idea
what to use them for?

I guess none of
them owned cats.

(laughs)

For a comic who's
laser focused on laughs,

Please welcome andrea jin.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hi. Hi, everyone.

I, one of my girlfriends,

She is texting
this guy right now.

Uh, very fun, right.

But he's not very into her.

He, he's not
very responsive.

He's replying to her like every
12 days or so. Right?

So she decided to deal with
this problem by doing this.

She texted him
the following.

She texted him, "hey,
what are you doing?

Why aren't you replying?
Why don't you like me?"

Yeah, all of those things.

I got really mad at her,
I was like,

"what do you-- come on.

That's not how you deal
with a situation like that.

You don't text the
guy those things." right?

If you really want to know,
you drive to his house and

You look in the window.

(laughs)

I, uh, everyone has a
social media account now.

Yeah, everyone has one.
There's no regulation.

You know, anyone
can just do it.

Before, like
back in the day,

You had no idea what,
how anyone is doing

Unless they were right
here in front of you.

Like I, when I was a kid,
I would just have thoughts

Like, oh, huh. I wonder how
my uncle's doing?

I wonder why I haven't
seen him in a while.

Maybe he's dead,
oh, my god.

(laughs)

That would be awful.

You know those
thoughts, right?

And but now,
with social media,

It's like, oh, I wish
my uncle was dead.

(laughs)

Stop posting memes about how
much you hate your wife and

You love guitars...

And motorcycles.

Yeah. But, uh,

I am happy about the
advancements in medicine.

And, because my grandma,
she has heart disease,

But all she has
to do is like,

Take a few pills every day.

And then she could
like go running, swimming,

Dancing, like all the
things she hates doing, right.

But she, my grandma,
she's very like traditional.

She, she doesn't like,
she believes in like

Traditional chinese,
like holistic medicine, right?

Like just like
natural stuff.

So, she doesn't like
pharmaceuticals very much.

Like she's always like,
"oh, these white doctors,

They're trying to
kill me." right.

And I'm like, "can you
please stop saying that

In front of our white doctor?"

(laughs)

So, it's very frustrating 'cause
she, she's very stubborn.

So one, uh, one day we were
walking around the park,

And she says to me,
"hey, um, we have to go home."

And I was like, "why?"
and she was like,

"oh, I can't feel my left arm.
We have to go."

And I was like,
"okay, we have to go to,

Like, let's go to the hospital.
Let's go, hurry."

And she's like,
"no, no, no, no.

That's what they
want you to do."

(laughs)

I'm like, "who's they,
is it me?

'cause, yes,
I want you to go."

And she's like,
"no, no, no, no, no.

Just get me home.

I just need to eat a green
onion while facing north.

It's fine."

(laughs)

Um, she cooks for me.

She likes to cook and,
I have a lot of

Food allergies, like I'm
allergic to pine nuts.

And so she puts it
in all of my food, yeah.

She thinks I'm just
not eating it enough.

You know, she thinks like,
yeah, that's her logic.

She's like, you just
need to eat it more.

You just need to
fight it with your body.

You know, you just
need to, you know,

Like be more alpha
than the pine nuts, right.

(laughs)

So, she puts it in all of
my food and I tell her,

I'm like, "hey grandma,
can you stop putting

Pine nuts in my food, please?"

And so she like,
"oh, okay, yeah, sure."

And then she started to
grind up the pine nuts,

To put into my food, yeah.

And one day I was eating,
I was like,

"hey grandma, did you
put pine nuts in this?"

And she was like,
"yeah, but I grinded it up.

How did you know?"
and I was like,

"oh, I can't breathe.
That's how I know.

Please call an ambulance."

And she's like,
"no, no, no, no, no.

It's fine. I have a
compass right here.

It's okay."

All right,
thank you so much.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

What is it with technology
that drones exist and

Can deliver a package
right to your door,

But the order
still gets screwed up?

Sex toys. Order them
in person, people, not online.

Now for a comic
who always delivers,

Please welcome david pryde!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

You know, I think, whoever
it was who first said,

"the best things in
life are free,"

Probably never owned
a hotmail account.

Yeah, it's...

It's not one of
the best things, right?

It's uh, just the sheer
amount of spam alone

That I get in my hotmail.

Like every day, I always
get these two messages

In my junk mail every day.

I get ah, every day I get,
"get rid of debt immediately"

And, "I want to eat your butt."

(laughs)

Yeah, I know.

And they always show up
together, like, I, I don't...

I don't know
who's sending them.

I hope it's not
the same person...

'cause I don't need to get
rid of my debt that badly.

(laughs)

But uh, that's my hot--
but I,

I honestly liked my hotmail.

Clap your hands if you still
have a hotmail account?

- (applause)
- we got-- see?

Yes, you got to admire it.

I've literally had mine
since the turn of the century.

Like, literally.

And you got to respect
that longevity, right?

Like, in this age when
technology's designed to

Become obsolete really fast,
isn't it nice we have something

Like hotmail that lasts?

Like it's, it
outlasted blackberry.

It outlasted cd roms.

You know,
it outlasted steve jobs.

(laughs)

Oh yeah, yeah.

No, hotmail
buried steve jobs.

Make no mistake.

I know, where's
the hotmail movie?

But, uh, no, it's, uh, it's
amazing because it was also,

It came on when email
was a brand-new thing.

And when email was new,
it was just any message

Was exciting to get,
including the spam.

Like just, I remember the
first time I got offered

A penis enlargement
and it's like,

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Like, how do they know?

It just seemed
very thoughtful, yeah.

'cause this was before
we knew about things like

Bots and algorithms.
So, I was, I was naive.

I literally thought there
was this like a team of

Penis enlargement
sales representatives,

Just, just out there physically
hitting send and just

Shooting out these, these
generous offers everywhere.

Just, I imagine, I imagined
a sales team all getting

Ready in in the morning,
just getting themselves

Psyched up for
a day of work.

Just like,
"remember, people,

You're not selling inches,
you're selling dreams!"

(laughs)

"now go out there and
make some inches come true."

Yeah, but, yeah...

But now email is
kind of passé.

Like now, it started when,
when social media arrived.

Remember when
social media first hit?

Remember what the
first big platform was?

Was myspace, hm?

How many of you
have a myspace?

(laughs)

Yeah, that's right.

Even the hotmail people
are like, don't insult me.

(laughs)

But yeah. The last...

Social media...

Account that I
opened was on twitter.

I don't really
like twitter much.

I just, it seems
like it's just a,

An outrage
machine at this point.

It seems like its basic purpose
is to get racists fired and...

Yeah, I think,
you know how it goes,

Like someone tweets something
racist and then it spreads,

And people get mad,
and that person gets fired.

Which sounds good
on the surface,

Until you consider,
you know

What the most
dangerous kind of racist is?

An unemployed racist.

(laughs)

Like, think about it.
You don't want these people

To have a lot of free time
on their hands, right.

You want them working a
50, 60-hour work week

At an exhausting job, so that
after they're too tired

To get up to
racist shenanigans.

(laughs)

But I guess now
you have to say the,

The most popular type of
communication are texts.

And what's interesting
about texts is how people...

They don't just text
words and messages.

A lot of people
like to text images,

Which has sort of given us
an interesting progression.

'cause when you think of it,
we started out with people

Getting emailed offers
for penis enlargements.

And now we have a lot
of men out there

Who are texting the results.

- Ah, yes, ah...
- (laughs)

That seems to be
what they want to do.

And, I have to confess,
I don't really understand

The whole, the whole
dick pic generation.

Like, uh, I don't mean
to offend if we have

Dick pic-ers in the room.
I don't, uh...

I mean, who am I to judge?

Maybe some of you like to
really put the peg in winnipeg.

I don't know, but...

(laughs & applause)

Thank you, yeah.
That's uh, thank you.

That was just for you.
That was...

But, yeah, no, I, I just,
it just seems weird to me,

The idea that you take your
phone and you take a bunch

Of pictures of your junk and
then you dispense them

As tokens of goodwill...

Throughout the community.

It just seems
counter-intuitive to me.

I was, I was raised to believe
you don't advertise that, right?

I did not want to give women
a sneak preview

Of what I was packing.

You know, my penis needs
the element of surprise.

Honestly, yeah, on its own,
it is not a deal closer.

(laughs)

No.

Really, from,
from that perspective,

You've got to admire the
confidence of

Your average dick pic-er.

Like they must, they must
believe what they're packing

Is so visually impressive
that it compensates for

Their other obvious quality
of being a creepy douchebag

That sends around
pictures of their...

- (applause)
- balances out.

I think so, yeah.
No, so, I...

I don't do it, I,
I don't do--

I wouldn't know the proper
etiquette anyway.

I don't know, I don't know
what angle you're supposed

To take the picture from.
Like, I don't know.

Is it like a firing squad?

Do you stare straight
down the barrel or...?

No?

Lengthwise from above
like you're whale watching.

(laughs)

I don't know.

I don't even know if
you have to be erect.

Do you have to
be fully erect?

Or is it like a
passport photo,

Like don't look happy.

(laughs)

Okay, got it.
Got the shot, yeah.

Tomorrow you'll be all
the rage on hotmail, yeah.

All right, guys,
you've been a lot of fun.

Thank you so much.
Goodnight.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

That's it for our tech show.

I hope tonight's been an
enjoyable distraction

From the inevitable
robot takeover.

Good night!

♪ (cheering &
applause continues) ♪

♪