All language subtitles for W.C.F.S19E02.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪ ♪

The winnipeg comedy festival
presents, "animals"!

Here's your host,
sterling scott!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Welcome, tonight!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Tonight's theme is animals,
and appropriately,

They got one hell
of a sexy beast.

(laughs)

Hey, my eyes are
up here, alright?

(laughs)

When I think about animals,

I think about how humans
domesticated them, right?

I used to own pets.

I had a dog, started
out like a lot of you.

Then I got another dog,
then four canaries,

Two lovebirds,
cockatiel, a budgie,

Another canary, then...

An albino python.

A chameleon, two piranhas...

And an asian water monitor,
and then a gerbil.

(laughs)

Which then we fed to
the asian water monitor.

(laughs)

And I could tell
you right now,

If you got a lot of pets,
your house stinks.

I don't-- no, a lot of
people right now are like,

"not my house."
especially your house.

In the summertime, it smelt like
satan was cooking curry.

It was bad in my house!

I hated it. I don't ever want
to own pets again.

I know pet owners
right now are like,

"what? I love my pets."

Some pets, I think,
are inhumane to own.

Right, like,
my aunt owns a bird.

You know what kind of sadist
you have to be to own a bird?

What does a bird do?

It flies, gracefully,
through the air.

Soaring in the skies, and
you saw that and you were like,

"yeah, take it and
put it in a cage

Where it can't spread its wings
'cause mama likes to

Look at things in
the afternoon."

(laughs)

Puts it in a cage!

And what, and the
bird is tropical,

It's a tropical bird. It's a
macaw from the caribbean.

Right, it's used to forests,
and heat, and rivers.

And now it's in a
one-bedroom apartment

In alberta in November.

(laughs)

And then, it likes to sing.

All birds,
they like to sing.

And you know what she does,
you see bird owners do this,

She just takes a blanket
and throws it over the cage.

I'm like, "why do
you do that for?"

She's like, "it'll shut him up.
He thinks it's night time."

What?! Now you got this
poor bird, in a cage!

I said, "well, at least
open the cage,

Let him fly
around the house."

She's like, "he can't fly.
I clipped his wings."

- What?!
- (laughs)

"why did you
clip his wings?"

She's like, "so he
can't get away."

That's not love.
At the most,

You're re-enacting a scene
out of the book misery,

Like,
that's what you're doing.

(laughs)

And I know some of
you guys are like,

"well, yeah, that's terrible,
that's terrible, that's a bird.

Well, I have dogs.
I'm good.

I'm a dog owner.
My dog loves me."

Let's take a look
at that, alright.

Dogs used to be wolves that
used to roam, right.

They used to take
down elk and eat it,

And then howl at the moon,
"ar-ar-aroo!"

And then you took that
and for 400 years

You kept it in a
one-bedroom apartment...

And now it's a cockapoo.

And you think you're a
good person for that?

It can't go back
out into the wild.

You can't do that.

Google cockapoo,
and google wolf.

Be proud of yourself.

'cause, the wolves
are gonna laugh at him.

They're gonna look
at him and be like,

"what the hell
happened to you, bro?"

He'll be like, "I don't know,
man, this is weird."

"I don't know,
I get the shivers now.

I need a jacket.
This is weird.

I need a jacket.
I have a hat, I have boots."

They're like,
"why do you have boots?

You're an animal!"

He's like,
"I don't know, man.

But she really likes it
for christmas photos,

Like, I don't know."

(laughs)

Like, the wolf is like,
"I'm gonna eat you.

It's not personal, bro.

I'm gonna eat you just
because this is terrible.

You can't live like this."

You ever, some pets
don't like their owners.

You ever go to
somebody's house,

And when they open the door,
the dog runs out the house

And tries to kill itself?

We've all been
to that house.

"don't open,
don't open the door!

He's not, he's not
an outdoor dog!"

No, that's a
stupid thing to say.

All dogs are outdoor dogs.
Your house is a prison.

That's a shawshank dog.

(laughs & applause)

You guys are an
amazing crowd.

Are you ready to get
this show started?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

Did you know that cats sleep
up to 16 to 20 hours a day?

Just like any good comic.

Say hello to the
very funny, matt falk!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Ha-ha-ha.
Thank you very much.

The best joke in the entire
world is the owl joke.

I didn't write it.
Have you heard the owl joke?

No? Oh, you're in for
a treat, check it out.

So, you go up to
someone and you say,

"someone said you
sound like an owl."

And then they say, "who?"

(laughs)

If you're not
laughing at that,

You are dead inside,
you understand me?

That is the funniest thing
you're gonna hear from me today.

(laughs)

And I'm an idiot. I fell for it
hook, line, and sinker.

Like, I'm pretty sure I
flapped a little bit,

I was like, "whooo?"

Soon as it happened,
all this pride swelled up.

I'm like, I gotta get
somebody else

With this joke, like my wife.

So, I assembled all the guys
that did it to me and

I'm like, let's go get her!

We're legally an
angry mob at this point.

We got pitchforks
and torches.

I went up to her,
I did the thing.

She asked me every
question except for, "who?"

I have no idea how she
did it, I was so excited.

I was like, "sweetheart."
(chuckles)

"someone said you
sound like an owl."

She's like, "what?"

(laughs)

"no, it's true.
Yeah, it's true.

Someone said you
sound like an owl."

She's like, "when?"

(laughs)

"like a, like a minute ago.
It doesn't matter. Listen...

Someone, someone said
that you sound like an owl."

She's like,
"what's their name?"

(laughs)

(sighs)

"that is a good question.

Could you rephrase it?"

She's like, "the person
that said that to you,

What is that person's name?"

I lost it. I was like,

"you're supposed to say who!
Who, who, who, who, who!"

She's like, "now who
sounds like an owl?"

I'm like, "come on!"

(laughs & applause)

Woo!

(applause)

The worst part is,
I love owls.

I love all birds.
I'm a birder.

I'm really into birding.

Maybe you're
not bird people.

Maybe you're
horse people, ha?

[audience] woohoo!

Well, I was thrown
from a horse, okay,

So forgive me for
not sharing your enthusiasm.

(laughs)

So, I was cast in a western
themed tv show pilot.

Now, the producers wanted
me to ride in on a miniature

Horse 'cause they figure
full grown man on

A mini horse,
that's comedy gold.

Now, I've
ridden a few times,

But I'm not what
you would call...

Good at it.

But that does not stop
my brain from thinking

That I am good at it.

Plus, I'm a prairie kid,
I wanted to represent,

So I'm like, "yeah, I know
how to ride, yippee kayeah!

Let's do this!"

So, they bring out
this horse and I get on,

And the producer's like,
"alright, make the horse go."

So, I'm like,
"horse... Activate."

(laughs)

The producer thinks
I'm joking, he's like,

"hey. (tongue clicks)"

And I'm like, "hey.
(tongue clicks)"

And apparently...

That's the sound...

(laughs continue)

That you need to make...

So, we're trotting and,
I think the horse is just

As excited to be on
a tv show 'cause it,

Right away, goes into like
a full gallop, okay?

Now, my brain's still
very confident that

It knows what it's doing.

My body's starting to
freak out a little bit,

So I got the arms going.

I got the face going,
I got the theme song to

The lone ranger rushing
through my mind.

♪ (singing theme)
ba-da-bum... ♪

About halfway
through the theme song,

For a reason I
still don't understand,

The saddle started to shift.

- (laughs)
- to one side.

So now, I'm hanging
off the side of

A galloping miniature horse.

Looks like I'm doing a
move from cirque de soleil.

People watching going,
"man, those prairie kids

Really do know how to ride".

(laughs)

Now, don't let it fool you.

Just 'cause the
horse is miniature,

Those hooves can
still kill a man.

Plus, the shorter the horse,
the closer your face is...

To said hooves.

So, my brain noticed that I
was like a foot away and

It kicked into action,
came back to reality.

It was like, alright,
I admit, we got a problem!

We should do something.

I'm like, that's good, brain.
What should we do?

And my brain's like,
we should bail!

I'm like, but then we
would get trampled.

My brain's like, well,

Maybe just your legs
would get trampled.

I'm like, you gotta think for
the whole body, brain.

So, I had a better plan.

I was going to pull myself up
using my calf muscles.

(laughs)

As it turns out, I do
not have calf muscles.

(laughs)

I have calves
covered in fat and,

When you attempt to pull
yourself up using your calf fat,

You tickle the horse.

(laughs)

Now, when a horse is
tickled it does not go,

"hee-hee-hee hoo-hoo-hoo.
Whoops, I pee'd!"

No, it does this-- boof!

With its 350-pound rear end.

And you go flying about six and
a half feet through midair.

Have you ever
watched the olympics,

You wonder how the
skiers twist in the air?

I know now!

I twisted, I landed
on my back,

And my back made
this sound "crunch".

- (laughs)
- yeah...

And then,
my wife ran up to me.

She was terrified, she's
already afraid of horses...

Doesn't trust the way
they sleep standing up,

Thinks it's creepy.
I agree.

(laughs)

I didn't want to scar
her for life so I figured,

Well, I should
just laugh this off.

But when you've been
thrown from a "horse"...

(laughs)

All the air in your body...

Leaves your body.

And as we know,
a laugh is about 80% air.

So, the laugh didn't
sound as reassuring

As I wanted it to sound.

I was going for
kind of like a, (laughs)

"oh boy, horse, me, horse, me,
bound to happen."

(laughs)

Don't be afraid.
It didn't sound like that.

I sounded like gandalf...

Yelling at a hobbit.
I was like...

(groaning tone)
"hey-ar-ar-ar-ar!"

"horse, me, horse, me.
Afraid!"

Not very comforting.
Thank you very much.

My name is matt falk.
I love you and goodbye.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

True, the early
bird gets the worm,

But no one talks about
how for an hour or two,

It waits outside for
the worm store to open.

Please welcome the
very prompt, larke miller!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

So, I got a part in a movie.

[audience] woo!
[larke] thank you.

I'm really excited about it.
I'm working with an actress.

You guys probably know her.
She's pretty famous.

Her name is
crystal the monkey.

Ah, she was the
monkey in the hangover ii,

The chain smoking,
drug dealing monkey.

Yes, I feel a kinship with
her because when she

Started her career, she was
typecast right away.

She just played the
stereotypical monkey roles,

Like monkey in a jungle or
a monkey in a laboratory.

Then she got that part in
the hangover ii where

She was playing that gritty,
chain smoking drug dealer.

The film that we're in,
she's flying an airplane.

For a little while, she had
a sitcom on nbc

Where she played a doctor.

And um, it's pretty amazing,
but there's one thing that

Bothers me about
this whole thing,

Is every movie
they put her in,

They always have her
play a male monkey...

'cause somehow, it's just
too unbelievable that

A female monkey be able
to fly an airplane.

(laughs)

Like, it's gonna be another
50 years before

A female monkey is
seeing patients.

It's not just crystal,
it's every monkey

You see in film and television.

They're all female monkeys.

I found out that it's
because male monkeys

Are too sexually
aggressive to be actors.

(laughs)

(cheering & applause)

Yeah, too sexually
aggressive to be actors,

So they have to stick to
directing and producing.

(laughs)

(cheering & applause)

So, they say that the lion
is the king of the jungle.

Um, I like to
believe it's the elephant.

They're my favorite.

Um, unfortunately,
their population is dwindling.

Um, they have a
matriarchal society,

Which means that, um, the
male elephants are loners

And the females travel
in packs of other women,

Up to 50 other
female elephants,

Which you're never gonna
get a guy to approach you,

If you're traveling
with 50 other women.

And those women
include your mother,

Your grandmother,
your aunts, and your sisters.

So, they said they're
gonna start artificially

Inseminating the elephants,

Which I don't think is
such a good idea.

Like, we've seen how
dependent ducks

Have become on humans.

And all we do for them
is give them stale bread.

Like, what is gonna
happen when we start

Giving elephants happy endings?

(laughs)

I'm a cat person.

Um, when I see a woman with
a whole bunch of children,

Like I don't have this
urge to have some of my own,

But like when I see a cat
with a litter of kittens,

I'm like, I could do that.

(laughs)

I just need six
more nipples.

(laughs)

I tried to adopt a cat.

I went to a cat
adoption agency.

Um, it's become so much more
complicated to adopt a cat.

I had to fill out
a ton of forms.

And then they called me in
for a sit-down interview

With a cat adoption agent.

Um, her first
question to me was,

"why have you
chosen to adopt a cat?"

I was like, "because I'm unable
to conceive one biologically."

(laughs)

(cheering & applause)

They denied me the cat.

(laughs)

I do have an aquarium.

Um, I recently
lost one of my fish.

Um, I don't know
where he went.

I've been looking
for him everywhere.

I've got the posters
up all over the place.

I've got them up all
over the castle

And the treasure chest...

And that seashell
that opens and closes.

(laughs)

I, uh, I was watching
this documentary on,

Um, evolution...

And, they say that the honey
bees have been evolving

For over 100 million years.

Uh, the worker bees,
who are all female,

Have evolved to have little
pockets on their back legs,

Which they hold the pollen
that they take back to the hive.

Um, the male honey bees
only have one job.

And that is to mate
with the queen bee once,

And then their penis
falls off and they die.

(laughs)

Which I don't really feel is
the greatest case for evolution.

(laughs)

They probably get way too
excited around the queen bee.

I know she
smells like honey,

But pretend she's a wasp.

(laughs)

A friend told me that he has
a fantasy about me and him.

Uh, that we're the last
two people left on earth...

Because that way, I would
have to have sex with him.

(laughs)

I was thinking if there's
been an apocalypse,

Which could happen,
and we're like

The last two beings
left on earth,

I don't have to sleep with him.

I'm gonna have to eat him.

(laughs)

Thank you, I'm larke miller.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

This comic says he can't
swing a dead cat at work

Without getting an
animal rights complaint.

Please welcome, ted morris!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello, ah!

Hello, sexy
people of winnipeg.

[audience] woo!
[ted] yeah, nice.

Hello, everyone
else, ah--

(laughs)

This has been,
this is a big year for me.

I quit my day job at the
beginning of the year

To do stand-up full time.

I used to be a
small animal vet.

Yeah, I just like murdered,
murdered cats for a living.

That is, that is essentially
what that job is.

It's just a, just a
lot of cat murder...

Which is a large part of
the reason why I quit.

And friends of
mine are like,

"oh, well you must
get used to it?"

What? No!
I'm not a psychopath.

No, you never
get used to it. It's sad.

Every time, it's sad.

Well, maybe not
the first time.

The first time you're like,
woo, what a rush.

But every time after that.

(laughs)

It's just sad.
Oh, it was rough.

I just got tired of smelling
like disinfectant and cat pee...

Because that is
part of the job.

'cause here's how
it would play out.

I would, I would
murder your cat.

I would do a beautiful job.
People loved it.

They requested me.
It was a wonderful moment.

And then I would wrap your
diseased cat up in a towel

And just stand
there holding them.

Essentially, trying to
get out of the room.

Like I'm trying to give
people what they need and be

Empathetic and, you know,
make sure that this is as

Positive of an experience
as it can be for them.

But the whole time I'm
like, I'm really busy.

I, I got a day
full of appointments.

I got stuff to do.

I've got another cat to
murder in the room next door.

Like I, I have places to go.

So, as I'm standing there,
you know,

Trying to be a nice,
compassionate human being,

Your dead cat,
just slowly pees,

Dead cat pee all over me,
every single time.

'cause I don't know
if you know this,

The only thing that
holds your pee in...

Is your soul.

(laughs)

Yeah, once it's gone,
everything just goes flying.

(laughs)

I also started
playing games.

I would play like little
games to pass the time.

One of my favorites was,
let's see how many times

I can use the word bitch...

Before it gets really
awkward in here. Let's see.

It's like the one place
you're allowed to use it.

Lady dog is a bitch.
Lady, lady cat is a queen.

So, it'd be like,
"how's your bitch doing?

Let's get your bitch up here.
Oh, your bitch looks sick.

What has your
bitch been eating?

Has your bitch lost weight?"

Just see how many times
I could squeeze it in.

(laughs)

It's a fun little game.

This is the one good thing,
this is the nice thing about

Kind of getting
out of the biz.

I can finally answer the
question that I was never...

I could never answer it for like
political correctness issues.

For some reason, my clients
loved to ask me like

"what do you like better?
Cats or dogs?

What do you like?"

And I'd always
have to be like,

"oh, no, you love them both,
they're all great,

They're amazing.
Who doesn't love them?"

That's a lie.
That is 100% a lie.

Ah, the answer is dogs.
It is dogs.

Cats, cats never
stood a chance.

Sorry, cats, sorry sad
cat people covered in

Cat hair and loneliness.

Your cats, your cats
are second rate.

Did you know that dogs have
such a good sense of smell

That some of them can, can
detect cancer in people?

Like, isn't that amazing?

Like, if some dog
one day was just like

Nosing his owner's breast.

And she's like, "what are
you doing?" he's like,

"what's up with that?
What's up with that?"

And like, she went to the
doctor and they're like,

Oh, you've got
breast cancer."

She's like,
"the dog is amazing."

They're not that good
at picking out

Testicular cancer
'cause they are...

Always up there.

So, don't, don't
trust that at all.

But, did you know that cats

Have a better sense of
smell than dogs do?

Which means that cats can
totally detect your cancer.

They just can't be bothered
to tell you about it.

They don't care.
They don't care.

They're like, "if she dies,
I'll just eat her face.

It'll be fine, it'll fine."
stupid cats.

So, it should come as no
surprise to you that...

I don't have a cat.
I, I have a dog.

And then in, in a
wonderful moment of irony,

I got a dog who
acts like a cat.

I got a rescue dog.
Has anyone got a rescue dog?

(cheers & claps)

No, I reject it.
I reject this rescue dog.

I adopted this adult,
and she does not like me.

She does not care
for me one little bit.

Ah, I've had her for a
couple of months and

She just lies in her bed.

I essentially have a
new roommate

Whose crap I literally
have to pick up.

It's garbage. And I tried to
figure out why...

Like, what's the problem?
Why can't we connect?

And I think I figured it out.
She's from mexico, right?

So, there's a
language barrier.

I don't speak
spanish so, I'm like,

Well, I could
learn spanish maybe.

See if I can...

Connect with this dog,
but I'm like,

That sounds like,
that sounds like an

Awful lot of work to
connect with this dog.

So, instead, I just
taught her new commands...

So that no one
else can operate her.

Has anyone done this?

Instead of asking her if
she wants to go for a walk.

We ask her if she
wants to go fight crime.

"want to go fight crimes?"

Like, "yeah, I want to
fight crime!" it's so good.

It's, it's hilarious.

Squirrels and
cats are nazis.

She hates nazis.
She's a good little girl.

She hates them.

And instead of teaching
her the command, "come"

Like, "come here," we settled
on, "who's your daddy?"

(laughs)

These are adorable things.

These are adorable,
adorable things.

Until she got away from us
in the park for the first time.

And then we just
looked psychotic.

"we're just like,
lupe, lupe!

Stop chasing those nazis!
Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?"

Thank you very much,
winnipeg.

I've been ted morris.
Good night!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Please welcome
the cat's meow,

It's, leonard chan!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

So, yeah, when I was a kid,
I always wanted a cat,

But my parents not so much.

But they believe in
giving kids choices so,

They said I could have
as many cats as I want,

But for every cat I
bring into the house,

They would get
rid of one kid.

I'm an only child.

(laughs)

So, it was a tough choice.

I never got that cat
but I'm an adult now.

I can have as
many cats as I want.

So, I have 13 cats.

It's not a joke,
it's a cry for help.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm serious,
I have 13 cats.

Yeah, this is usually the part
where people stop laughing.

Yeah.
(leonard laughs)

Look, it's not
because I'm crazy.

It's because my
wife is crazy.

I married a crazy cat lady,

Which is a very
gender specific term.

Right, cat lady?
There's no cat man, right?

Cat man sounds like a dude
who's really into smooth jazz.

(laughs)

But yeah, 13 cats.
Just living the dream.

But uh, I always
wanted a cat.

I never wanted a dog,
you know,

Because cats are
better than dogs.

(cheering)

Cat people, very smart.
Dog people, woof.

- Ah...
- (laughs)

The reason we have so many
cats is that my wife likes,

She rescues them.
That's her thing, all right.

She traps them,
she neuters them.

I was the first.

(laughs)

(applause)

This is the only reason I
think it'd be a good idea

To get a dog, right.

Because dogs are really
good at retrieving balls.

(laughs continue)

But no, I love cats.
I think cats are great.

I love cats because
they're so chill. Right?

Humans are not
chill like at all.

There's just so much xenophobia
going on right now.

You know, like,
people are screaming like,

"oh, these immigrants
are stealing our jobs!"

Which, okay, first of all,
if an immigrant crawls

Across the desert,
climbs over a wall,

Hikes to the middle of
america and the first thing

They do is steal your job,
you suck at your job, okay.

But, there's just
so much xenophobia.

And I think the antidote
to that is traveling.

You know, like,
go see other cultures,

Have other cultures see you.
I like to travel 'cause

I like to expose
myself to other people.

Okay, that's a
terrible sound bite.

(laughs)

But you get the
picture, right?

Like, my wife and I,
we recently went to peru.

And we came back
with another cat.

Always bring
something back with us.

Came back with another cat.

And, so we were in
this park in lima,

And this cat
jumped into my lap.

My wife was like, "oh my god,
we gotta rescue this cat."

I was like,
"we're on vacation.

We don't have to
collect them all.

They're not pokémon."

(laughs)

And my wife was like,
"no, no, no,

This cat jumped in your lap.
It chose you. It's destiny."

I was like, "no,
this cat chose me

The same way
strippers choose me."

(laughs)

That was also destiny.

(laughs)

(applause)

(leonard laughs)

So, I tell my parents we're
gonna adopt this cat and

They are furious, right?
Because like, to them,

Every time we get
another cat, it's like a

Lower percentage chance
they're gonna get grandkids.

Right, and they
want grandkids bad.

I was like, "why do you guys
want grandkids that bad?

Think if I don't have kids
the chan name will die out?"

"I think we'll be fine."

(laughs)

My dad was like,
"no, no, no, like,

How can you
let your wife do this?

You have to put
your foot down."

I was like, "let her?
She's a white woman.

She does what she wants!"

If I put my foot down,
I'm gonna lose my foot.

(laughs)

They're so mad.

So, my parents don't
want us to rescue this cat.

My wife wants us
to rescue this cat.

I only see one of these
two parties naked again so,

We're rescuing a cat, okay.

It's basically a tit for cat
kind of situation.

(laughs)

(applause)

But, we named him
churro, by the way,

Which is a lovely name.

It's a peruvian
slang for handsome boy,

Which he is.

We brought him back to
canada and here's

The crazy twist of the story.

My parents adopted the cat.

(laughs)

I know!
I couldn't figure it out.

Like the best I can figure
is that they've given up

On the idea of
having grandkids,

And they're willing to settle
for a grand cat, like that's...

(laughs)

And now churro
lives with them.

He sleeps on their
couch 18 hours a day.

He has no job.
He eats, poops and sleeps.

That's all he does.
Classic underachiever.

And my parents love him.

And I was like, where the
hell was this lax attitude

Towards work ethic
when I was a kid?

(laughs)

Like I mentioned at the
beginning of the show,

I'm an only child.

For the first
time in my life,

I am experiencing
sibling rivalry...

With a cat, and I am losing.

My mom compares me to
churro all the time.

She's like, "oh my god,
churro's just like you

When you were a kid
except churro's better.

Churro actually
listens to us."

I'm like, what? I was like,

"churro doesn't understand
a word you're saying.

He doesn't speak mandarin.
He's a cat."

My mom's like, "well,
you don't speak mandarin

And you're chinese."
I'm like, "argh!"

(laughs)

I was like, "well, look.
Churro, is never gonna

Get to med school, alright.

He doesn't have
the grades, alright.

Churro's never
gonna become a doctor."

And my mom looks me right
in the eye and she's like,

"well, at least he's never
gonna become a comedian."

(laughs)

Yeah, so now churro's
in the will. I'm out.

My parents have a new son.
And I'm like, "ah,

These immigrants
keep stealing our jobs"!

Alright, you guys
have been fantastic!

Thank you, guys, so much!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Animals in the country
are way different

Than animals in the city.

Animals in the country are
out playing in the fields,

Running free.

Animals in the
city are like,

"I've seen some stuff."

(laughs)

"I did my time
in the pound."

Here to share her tales of
animals in the city

Is the very funny, amy bugg!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Oh, hey, what's up?

Hey, so, like a
lot of you guys,

I recently spent a lot of
alone time with myself.

Yeah, and here's
the thing about that.

Uh, I was weird before.

(laughs)

Yeah, now I'm just
really, really weird.

Yeah, use a lot of that
extra time to write

An entire list of animals
who have crossed me.

(laughs)

Yeah, so we're just gonna roll
right through all those guys.

Okay, number one.

- Bats.
- (laughs)

You know.

Specifically, the bat that
harassed me in the workplace.

Okay, it flew in, and--
to my office,

And landed directly
onto my back.

I was like, whoa, am I just
the queen of darkness now?

(laughs)

And it was during the
middle of the day too.

So, that's how I know
he was super into me.

Eh, he's willing to
mix up his schedule.

(laughs)

Okay, number two, skunks.

Yeah, you guys
know skunks, right?

The original squirters.

(laughs)

Okay, I don't like skunks
'cause they live in

My backyard and one of
them sprayed my dog.

So, I had to bathe him
in tomato juice.

Which, by the way,
totally useless.

Okay, that was just
invented by big tomato.

(laughs)

Okay, I spent 50 bucks and
all my dog does is

Smell like ketchup that made
out with my cousin's weed.

(laughs)

All right, but like,
I'm a vengeful person.

I'm gonna get
that skunk back.

Yeah, so I filled my super
soaker up with old milk.

And now I just sit on my porch
just waiting to squirt him back.

I'm gonna shoot him
right between the legs too,

So he knows
exactly what's going on.

(laughs)

Yeah, all right.
Up next on my list,

Also lives in my backyard,
possums.

You guys know
possums, right?

They look like rats
if they were a ghost.

(laughs)

Okay, the only thing I even
respect about possums

Is that they play dead.

'cause that's a strategy like
I can really get behind.

Next time I'm at a party
and someone tries to

Talk to me about the economy...

(laughs)

Yeah, I'm just lying
face down on the floor.

(laughs)

I don't want to hear it.

All right, you know
what else that bothers me.

You know what animal?
Wombats.

Yeah, 'cause yuck,
australians.

(laughs)

Okay, the reason I don't
like wombats is because of

The way they poo,
is very unsettling.

Do you guys know this?
Wombat's poo cubes.

Yeah, true.
They poo little cube shapes.

Like right now, they're out
there in the outback

Just being like, "oh, a cup
of tea for the lady".

(laughs)

Can you imagine like just
taking a poopy and then

Turning around and then
realizing you built a wall?

(laughs)

You could box yourself in.

(laughs)

Okay, the final animal on
my list, dogs named zeus.

Yeah, because statistically,
they pee on me.

(laughs)

Yeah, this particular dog
made some assumptions

About my stoic nature and
rectangular body shape.

And, mistook me for a tree.

(laughs)

Yeah, and it must have
been a tree on fire

'cause it was a lot of piss.

(laughs)

But don't worry, I'm going
to get him back just like

I'm going to get
that skunk back.

This time I'm going to take
my super soaker and

Fill it up with, not milk...

- My own piss.
- (laughs)

Yeah, and then turn that dog
into a golden retriever.

(laughs)

All right, that's it
for me, guys, thank you.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

When this comic
does his dog material,

He gets many positive
yelps on his views.

It's charlie demers!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello!

Hello!
Thank you, thank you.

This is a job
where we travel a lot,

And I like to bring my family
with me when we can do it.

But it's not
always a great idea.

Last year,
in the winter time,

I was traveling
with my family.

We were in rural british
columbia and it was...

It was dark and
it was rainy,

And there were
no streetlights.

And, what I'm, what I'm
trying to set up here is,

Is that I...

I'm not proud of this,
but I hit a raccoon.

Um, yeah.

In my defense, it was
staring at my wife's breasts.

(laughs)

Uh, see, even that is like
a nervous joke because

I feel still so
guilty about this.

This is just like this-- it was
a horrible experience, right?

We're just, we're driving
down the road.

In the last seconds, you see
this raccoon in the headlights.

And then you go over it,
and we're just sitting the

Whole family, my daughter,
my wife and I in this,

In this kind of
guilty nauseous silence.

And then finally, my daughter
who was five years old

At the time, leans forward in
her booster seat and says,

Ah, "ha, hope I don't
remember this my whole life."

(laughs)

Okay, good. So, you're
still kind of with me.

I feel like, I feel like
raccoon is, uh,

Oddly like just the right
level of animal where I can

Tell that sad story in
a comedy context and

You'll still be on my side.

Um, can you imagine,
like, like if the,

If it were a dog,
that wouldn't work, right.

I'd have to
change it to raccoon.

Ha, ha, no,
I'm just kidding.

I, uh, that's
not what happened.

Relax, relax, relax.

It was a child.

- Um...
- (laughs)

But we do, we do,
as human beings,

We have these, these, these

Hierarchies of
animals that we love.

We have animals
that we hate.

We have animals
we have just

Complete indifference towards.

And it's completely
arbitrary, right?

Like, we love dogs.
We...

We love dogs out of all
proportion to any rational--

We love dogs so much that
we bring them into our homes

And give them names
in our languages.

Right, many of us will give
our dogs christmas gifts.

This is for, this is for...

The messiah was born today.

This is for god's incarnate
love came into the world.

(laughs)

That's how much
we love dogs.

And we hate coyotes.

- Huh!
- (laughs)

And a coyote is literally

Just a dog who lives outside.

(laughs)

Can you imagine what a
mind-bending species

We must be to coyotes?

Can you imagine
being a coyote,

Trying to figure us out?

You come loping out of
the bushes at a park.

You see us with
your cousins...

Showering them with praise,
playing with them,

Throwing toys,
and then we see you.

You get the hell back
in that goddamn ravine!

(laughs)

But I understand it.

I understand the
love we have for dogs.

Last year, my family,
we got a puppy...

And I just,
I'm instantly-- fell in love.

It's the greatest thing in
the world to have a puppy.

Although I wish someone
had told me it is so much

Harder than I thought
it would be...

To masturbate.

- Um...
- (laughs)

Sir, I will explain, um...

In front of your family,
I will explain.

(laughs)

The thing about a puppy
is a puppy has no chill.

A puppy wants to be with you
100% of the time, right?

So, if you have the
need for any alone,

Grown-up, you know...

Sophisticated
european style adventures.

(laughs)

You have no good
options, right?

You can either, you can go
into the room by yourself

And close the door,
which doesn't work because

Then the dog just starts
pawing at the door, going...

(whimpering cries)

Which, I'm sorry if you're
able to maintain arousal

Through that sound...

You should have been
hanged at nuremberg.

(laughs)

But the alternative
is no better.

I, you open the door and
let the puppy come in.

Just this embodiment of
pure guileless innocence.

Hey!

Chewing on a piece of raw
hide while you're trying to

Expand the pornhub
window on your phone.

Ah!

It's looking up at you
with literal puppy dog eyes.

Going, hey, who's she?
What are they doing?

Hey, that's like my leash.

(laughs continue)

Dogs are supposed
to be good for kids.

Uh, but they don't
always mix well.

It was one day last summer
when I was solo parenting

And I thought this is great.
I'll go to the park.

There's a
playground at the park.

I'll go, my kid can
play on the playground.

We'll take the
dog for a walk.

It'll be a
perfect afternoon.

But when we got to the park,
there's a sign at the

Playground that says
dogs are not permitted

Within 15 meters
of the playground.

I was like, great.

Either I can
cancel the playground.

Have a huge temper
tantrum on my hands.

Or, I can be a deadbeat dad.
Go stand 45 feet away

While my kid plays
alone on the playground.

So, that's what I chose to do.
My kid goes to play.

I go lean up on a tree
while she's playing.

And then I saw a friend of
mine I went to school with,

Haven't seen in years.
He shows up with his toddler

And they're playing
on the equipment.

I call out, "hey, hey,
it's me, charlie, hey!"

And I feel so rude
'cause I couldn't go over.

So, I yelled, possibly what I
realized is the worst thing

You could yell
next to a playground...

Which is, "I'd come say hi,

But I'm not allowed
within 15 meters."

(laughs)

Thank you very much,
winnipeg.

You guys have
been wonderful. Goodnight!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Well, thank you all for
coming to our animals show.

As a special
treat to yourself,

On the way home, may I
suggest driving with your

Head out the window and
your mouth wide open.

I've been sterling scott,
have a good night!

(cheering &
applause continues)

♪

♪