All language subtitles for W.C.F.S19E01.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

The winnipeg comedy festival
proudly presents

"strange days"!

Now, please
welcome your host,

Ali hassan!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hello, winnipeg!

Alright!

Welcome to the
winnipeg comedy festival!

You guys happy to be out?

- Woo!
- (cheering & applause)

We are very happy to be here
with you, out, as well.

This show is called
"strange days" and...

Well, we are living in some
strange days, indeed.

Even the news is struggling
to bring us good stories.

I tour this country
doing comedy,

So I find myself on morning
news shows quite a bit.

What happens there is,
the news isn't great to

Begin with and then I just
get mashed in to

The terrible headlines.

"coming up on the show,
pleading guilty,

Ex-teacher gets three years
for showing pornography

To his students. But first,
ali hassan is here."

No, no, no, no.
Leave some room

Between the pornography
and ali hassan.

They're gonna
think I'm the teacher,

For god sake,
what are you doing?

"sexually transmitted
infections are on the rise.

More on that soon,
but right now,

Ali hassan is here."
no...

My family is gonna
watch this, man, can...

(laughs)

"the rcmp says it's
foiled a terrorist plot

To blow up the cn tower.
Before that,

Ali hassan is here."
no, hey, come on, I...

Leave some room
between me and the plot.

It's gonna sound like I
came up with the plot.

With my name, you can't.
You gotta leave some room...

Little palate cleanser,
you know?

A fat cat in a diaper,
a chipmunk

Working a punching bag.

Something, some kind
of a visual sorbet,

Then the ali hassan.

We are living in...

In a time of heightened
fear of germs.

And they say that the
best way to prevent germs,

Wear a mask.

I don't have a
problem with the mask.

I'm not an anti-masker.

I am an anti-glasses-wearing
with the masker.

That's who I am.
If you have glasses...

(cheering & applause)

My god.

(applause)

I would go into a grocery store,
glasses on,

Put the mask on,
within seconds,

Fogged up immediately.

Now I can't
breathe that well...

Seeing is just,
it's no longer an option.

And all of a sudden,
I'm touching something like,

"oh, my god. Sir, sir?
Is that somebody?

Sir, you can't be this close,
you can't be this close.

We're too close.
Sir, sir!"

And you rip off
everything and you go,

"oh, my god, thank god.
It's the zucchinis."

But still, oh my god,
the anxiety.

(laughs)

And any time
germs are afoot,

Everybody wants to do this,
they're like,

"oh, I'm not feeling
well, I'm not feeling well."

Just, elbow, just give me
the elbow bump,

Give me the elbow bump.

The elbow... The elbow.

The thing I've been sneezing and
coughing into for three years!

How desperate are we
to touch each other, man?

(laughs)

Not only that, this is
how I press elevators,

The elevator buttons.

This is how I do it,
like this.

I'm in the bathroom, this is
how I'm flushing the urinal,

With the elbow.

If I'm trapped, if I am
ever trapped in

A public restroom and
there's no paper towel...

This is how I'm getting
out of a public restroom.

This is the way.

Don't touch my elbow,
that's reckless, okay?

Reckless, disgusting.

Let's bring back the bow.
Let's bring back the bow...

The namaste.

Or the salute, bring back
the salute, you know?

Don't keep your
hand up for this long.

That'll cause more problems, but
just a quick salute, that'll...

(laughs)

Alright, you guys,
winnipeg, what do you say?

You ready to keep
this show going?

Feeling good?

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Remember buffets?

If we knew they were
going away forever,

Wouldn't we have all taken
at least one more plateful?

We were in the mandarin
garden of eden and

We didn't even realize it.

Well, here's a comic you're
just going to eat up right now.

It's the very funny,
damonde tschritter.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Ah...

Alright, alright.

Well, well, well...

Here we are, the survivors.

- Yeah!
- Ah, yeah, we made it.

I don't think any of us
saw this slow burn coming.

Right, the way
this played out?

Like, in a movie, like a
pandemic always happens fast.

Right, like, they try
out the virus on a monkey,

He bites a person,
24 hours later everyone's

Killing each other in a
mall parking lot.

But like, this one, you
couldn't put this in a movie.

- Right, too slow.
- (laughs)

Like, too boring. Maybe like a
10-part netflix special, maybe.

But what are you gonna do?

Episode one,
they buy toilet paper.

(laughs)

Episode two, they go
inside and watch tiger king.

(laughs)

Episode three, they decide
to get divorced,

But nobody can leave so
they're stuck together.

That's all we did.

It would just be people,
watching people watching tv.

That would be the whole series.
'cause that's all we did

For like the first two weeks,
remember?

We just sat there and
watched justin trudeau

Come out and grow a beard.

(laughs)

You know, he made his
first day of announcements.

Then, the first thing
they did was shut down bars

'cause st. Patty's
day was coming up.

They couldn't have drunk
people spitting on each other.

So, my wife worked
at a bar, right.

She works 'til 2 am
every night,

She doesn't get up until
late in the afternoon.

She came home that night
and everybody in the

Bar industry, there was this
rumour going around that the

Next morning at 10 am,
justin trudeau was gonna

Come out and make an
announcement that

Liquor sales would be
deemed non-essential.

Right? Bars are
already shut down.

My wife likes to drink...

Houston,
we've got a problem.

(laughs)

The next morning,
I woke up at 9:30 am,

And for the first time in
my life, my wife was gone.

Right, I had never, ever
seen her up before me,

Let alone out the door.

Yeah, that's when I
knew shit was real.

(laughs)

And then she came home
and she just wheeled in,

All she had was a giant
buggy cart full of booze.

That was it.
No toilet paper, no food...

No batteries, no weapons,
just a giant cart of booze.

And then trudeau said,
"oh, hey, don't worry.

Liquor's gonna be essential,
you're all saved."

(laughs & cheers)

Yeah, yeah,
you guys appreciate it.

I don't know how long
she was planning to

Ration this booze for.

But I think it was supposed
to last longer than a week.

(laughs)

I was just basically a
bouncer in my own home.

(laughs)

At the end of every night,
I'd be like,

"hey, you don't have to go home.
You're already here,"

And then I'd pick her up
and carry her back to bed,

Start her over.

(laughs)

On the second day,
I had to put a,

I had to put a rope up that
I didn't open before 3 pm.

(laughs)

The longest she waited was
45 minutes and there was

Some tempting offers
to let her through.

(laughs)

But it turned
out pretty good.

This pandemic went about
as well as it could, right.

Like, we've all been very
polite through the whole thing.

Like I was, like...

It could have gone any way.
This could have gone full-on

Road warrior
mad max mass anarchy.

And I wasn't all that
worried if that happened,

And I should be because
I'm not all that prepared.

Right, like, I've only got
like a bottle of hp sauce,

A can of tomatoes, and a
half a gatorade in my fridge.

But I've got a buddy,
and all he's been doing

His entire life--
I've known him for 25 years,

All he's been doing is preparing
for this type of scenario.

Right, he's just been working
out to swedish death metal.

He's got black ops outfits.

He owns crossbows
and swords.

He's got a kayak with a
sea chart that tells him

How to get out of dodge.

(laughs)

Yeah, I'll run into him
in the neighbourhood,

He'll just have like a
backpack over one shoulder.

Be like,
"what are you up to?"

He's like, "I'm just getting
my knives sharpened."

You know, "making sure
my batteries are charged.

How about yourself?"
I'll be just be like,

"ah, I was just looking for some
sandals and some rice paper."

Like I'm woefully
ill prepared.

He's like,
"you just remember...

Shit goes sideways,
you get to my place,

You got a spot in the kayak.
We'll go repopulate the planet."

(laughs)

Yeah, I don't even know how
that part of the plan works.

So, I was telling
a buddy, I'm like,

"oh, if stuff goes sideways,
all I gotta do is get down

To jp's, three blocks,
I got a spot in the kayak.

We're gonna go
repopulate the planet."

And he's like, "three blocks?
Every man for themselves,"

They're like,
"you're never gonna make it.

Look at you. You're the
size of a baby deer,

For christ's sakes."

(laughs)

"they're gonna eat you."
I was like, "I'll make it."

I'll tell you why I'll make it.
I'm from the last generation

Of kids that were
allowed to hit each other."

- (laughs)
- woo!

Yeah, I'm not saying
I'm tough. I'm shifty.

Right, I've taken a few.

But the millennials, oh, man,
they don't have a chance.

Right, they're gonna be
too busy updating

Their instagram accounts.

Be like, oh, things are
getting a little hairy out here.

Concerned face.

Hashtag armageddon,
hashtag end of days,

And then just a selfie...

With a blade of an axe coming
into focus in the background.

(laughs)

(applause)

Last photo they ever send.
Too bad, got a lot of likes.

(laughs)

And then when I
get to his place,

We still gotta make it about
200 metres with the kayak,

To the beach.

And I think there'll be
people coming for us.

Right, I feel at this point
I might have to

Sever a human head.

I hope I don't have to,
I'm not a violent man.

Perhaps there's one
just lying about.

But I feel that when there's
roving gangs of people

Deciding who they're gonna
go after next that your

Odds of survival go up
dramatically if you're the

Only guy walking around
carrying a human head.

(laughs)

You're just holding it
by its man bun.

(laughs)

Yeah, like a lantern in
the night. You're like,

"the hipster go first!
The hipsters go first!"

You've been a lot of fun,
winnipeg. Thanks for having me.

Stay safe, take care,
good night. Goodbye!

♪ (applause) ♪

(applause)

Not only is this
performer a comic,

She's also a
biomedical engineer.

I'm not exactly
sure what that is, but I,

I think it means she can make
your ambulance run on corn.

Please welcome the
very funny, salma hindy.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Hi, everyone.
How's everyone doing?

(cheering & applause)

I know that we're living in
strange days because

This year was the first time
that I found out that

Some of you don't
wash your butts.

(laughs)

Yeah, you horde
toilet paper instead.

And honestly, guys,
this is like the biggest

Culture shock to me,
even though I was born here.

But I'm still cultured
and I'm still shocked,

Is the fact that no one in
this country uses bidets.

Like, back home,
in third world countries,

They don't even
have toilets.

Like, they have
squat toilets,

Like they have a
hole in the ground,

But you know what they
do have? A bidet.

Like, they don't even have
infrastructure, democracy,

Drinking water, but they
have a bidet. You know why?

Because it is a
basic human right.

(laughs)

They have dirty governments
but clean butts and,

That's all that matters.

(laughs)

I also want this to become
a filter on dating apps,

Bidet use, because
every single time one of

My friends says that she
wants to date a white guy,

We all just
collectively recoil.

We're like, okay, but
does he wash his butt?

(laughs)

No? Then is his freedom even
really that appealing?

I'd rather be controlled,
but at least ahmed's clean.

(laughs & claps)

Ah, okay,
let's get personal.

What I'm wearing on my
head's called a hijab.

I've been wearing it
majority of my life.

I can take my hijab off in front
of three groups of people.

My family,
my female friends,

And my future husband.

Anyone?

Okay, whatever.

I own over 300 hijabs,

But I only wear the same five.

It's like white women
and yoga pants.

They own like 20 pairs,
but they sleep, breathe,

And ask to speak
to the manager in only one.

(laughs)

Recently, I was doing
some online shopping,

And I was like,
you know what,

I'm just gonna treat myself,
as one does every week...

And so, I went on a website,
it was a muslim website,

And I saw that they had
just released a new hijab.

Now, I'd say this was made with
like a $12 fishnet fabric,

Sprinkled with
some dollar store glitter...

And it was being sold for,
I'm not kidding,

$325 us dollars.

$325 for a hijab?

Better freaking wrap me
in the arms of god, himself.

Better blow dry my hair
underneath that none of you

Are gonna see,
you know what I'm saying?

Better turn into an
invisibility cloak

When a racist walks by, like...

I want to make sure I'm
getting my money's worth.

Speaking of racism,
surprise,

I have experienced it.
I know, so surprising.

And, I-- actually, recently,
there have been a lot of

Anti-islam protests
happening in my city.

And they most often happen
outside of mosques.

So, one day after work,
I was walking home and

I passed by a mosque and I saw
a protest happening outside.

The protesters were
like yelling, screaming,

People were filming them,
calling the police and stuff.

It was pretty bad.

And, while I was walking
past them I was like, wow...

These people...

Go to the mosque
more than me!

(laughs)

Like, damn, I wish I
had their consistency.

Their Friday prayer attendance
better than half my community.

We get caught up
at work sometimes.

Not them though,
like, this is their work.

Dedicating themselves to
be at the house of allah.

And...
I saw one of them standing,

She's like the leader of the
protest, her name is sandra...

She was standing on top
of a prayer mat yelling...

And I quote, "prophet muhammad
always prayed with his shoes on.

Why do you take yours off?

You're not even
praying correctly."

Now, I got confused.
I was like,

"sandra, are you here to
guide us to the holier path?"

(laughs & applause)

How do you know more
than my quran teacher?

It sounds like someone's
crushing on the prophet.

It sounds like you
want to become muslim,

To be honest. You already
have the prayer mat,

Just come on in.

(laughs)

Anyone go to any zoom
weddings this year?

- (claps)
- yes?

Ah, okay, I can see
most of you are confused.

Allow me to explain.

Muslims can't live with each
other unless they're married.

So, "will you marry me?"
is the new,

"let's quarantine together."

I've gone to over 15
zoom weddings this year.

Yeah, it's pretty wild.
And, you know what,

I actually prefer zoom
weddings to real weddings

Because at least
there's no bouquet toss.

Yeah, nobody ever asks for
the bouquet to be thrown.

Okay, it's kind of
like enforced upon us.

Like we're all
just chilling, right,

And then an announcement
goes off and they're like,

"excuse me! Can we get
all the single ladies,

Everybody who binges
netflix 'til 3 am crying

Over the crush that doesn't
know they exist!

Everyone who's re-downloaded
tinder for the 16th time

This year, please make
your way out to the front.

We're about to
toss the bouquet."

- (laughs)
- right?

And everyone at my table's like,
"uh, we're too good for that."

And they're like, "hm, okay,
maybe we'll just go watch."

And they're like, "okay,
maybe we'll just get closer."

And they're like,
"okay, maybe we'll just

Rip a bitch's hijab off, okay?
Give it to me!"

(laughs)

None of you can say
that last line because

It is a hate crime.
Thank you so much, everyone!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(cheering &
applause)

This introduction has been
written by the illuminati.

Ultimately, you have no choice
but to watch this comic

That we have predetermined
will come onstage.

Now please display how you
are subjugated to our will

By giving a big welcome to
the hilarious, peter white!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Yes, yes!

Hello, yes, thank you.

Thank you, hello. Hello,
winnipeg, this is exciting.

This has been a weird last
few months, obviously.

I've spent an awful
lot of time on my own.

I've been doing this a lot,
I don't know if you guys

Do this, I've been
doing this way too much,

I don't know if anybody
else does this, ah,

Do you ever just sit
around and try to figure out

If you're stupid or not?

- (laughs)
- woo!

It's really hard to tell.
I don't know how to tell

'cause, like, I don't
think I'm stupid, but...

Stupid people don't think
they're stupid either so,

How do I know? The only thing
we all agree on

Is that most people
are stupid so, why not me?

How do you know?
If I'm honest,

I've been trying to
figure it out. If I'm honest,

There's a lot of evidence
that I'm pretty dumb,

See what I mean.

I've been spending a lot
of time over these last

Few months just kind of
standing in my apartment,

Just looking at everything
I own, just realizing...

I don't know how any
of this stuff works.

No, the tv's a mystery,
internet's a mystery.

What the hell is wi-fi?
I don't know any of this stuff.

Fridge! We've had
fridges for 120 years.

I don't have a clue how
you make something cold.

I don't. And I don't
think it's just me.

I don't think any of
us know this stuff.

There's a couple
hundred of us here...

I think, realistically,
if we were all to put

Our heads together and
try our very best, I still don't

Think we could figure out
how a microwave really works.

Anybody? That's a magic
box to me, man.

I don't know what's
going on in there.

There's a chain-link fence
in the mirror to keep us safe.

Don't put in metal
or it'll explode.

What, did a wizard make
this thing? This is ridiculous.

But, someone has
to know, right?

That's why I love science.
As dumb as I am,

That's why I love and respect
science 'cause science knows.

Science knows how
a microwave works.

You can look it up,
it's on the internet.

I looked it up, too. I'm just
too dumb to understand it.

But it's there, so that's why
I trust it. And that's why

I hate the people that
don't trust science now.

We're in this weird time
where people just

Don't believe science.
People say that, they say,

"I don't believe science."
I've seen that in a tweet.

Someone-- "I don't
believe science." send.

Like the internet runs on
essential oils or something.

It's all science,
what are you, insane?

It doesn't matter if
you believe in it,

That's the beauty of science.
That's why we invented science,

So you don't have
to believe anymore.

The plane doesn't take off
'cause you believe in it.

The plane takes off
'cause of science.

The pilots aren't up front,
peter pan'ing that thing

Into the air. Never once have
I gotten on a commercial flight

And heard the captain go,
"alright, everybody,

Just close your
eyes and believe.

We'll be in chicago
in a couple hours."

- (laughs)
- doesn't matter.

- (applause)
- woo!

Doesn't matter what you believe,
that's the beauty of it.

The climate change deniers,
that's the real problem,

You know what I mean? That is--
and, by the way,

I hate calling them
climate change deniers.

That is far too grandiose
a term for that,

You know what I mean? That
sounds way too legitimate.

I like to call
them fart sniffers.

(laughs)

Bunch of fart sniffers.

And it's been weird
to watch the, the...

The argument
change 'cause, like,

Global warming's been
around for forever, man.

That's the reason I believe.
Acid rain was here for a day,

Global warming is for real.

And when I was a
kid in the 90s,

The argument against
global warming was...

"it's not getting hotter,
you're stupid."

That was the whole argument.
"see, it's snowing.

You're stupid.
It's not getting hotter."

And now 30 years later,
it's clearly gotten hotter.

Nobody can even
argue that anymore.

It's way hotter now, and
so the argument's changed.

The argument now is, "well,
there's no proof that this

Was caused by
humans," right,

"there's no proof at all
that we're doing this.

This is just the earth's natural
cycle. It's not our fault."

Which is maybe the dumbest
argument I've ever heard

'cause even if it's
not our fault,

Shouldn't we still fix it?
What are you doing?

If your house is on fire,
you don't not put it out

'cause lightning
was the cause.

"now, now, put down that hose.
God started this fire,

I'll be damned if I'm
putting it out for him.

Get down here and
do it yourself.

I'm sick of doing
your dirty work."

It's just ridiculous.
There's no good

Climate change
denial argument.

So, you know, all the
science is against it,

So what they do is they try
to discredit the science.

It's infuriating, man. There's
no science on their side

So they discredit the science
that's against them.

They say dumb things like,
"hey, well, listen,

You can't trust any of
the climate change science.

You can't trust any of it
'cause did you know that

Every single climate
change study was

Funded by the government?"

Of course, man, who the hell
else is paying for science?

Have you ever given
money to science?

I've never once
given money to science.

I've never once come out of
the liquor store and

There's dudes in lab coats
bumming change for science.

Of course they're paid
for by the government.

That doesn't make
it a conspiracy, man.

The government paid
for all the roads.

You still drive on them,
you asshole.

(laughs)

- (applause)
- I don't know.

(peter laughs)

(applause)

It just drives me nuts, man,

That people don't
believe science.

People don't
listen to science.

They act like scientists
aren't smarter than us, man,

But scientists
are smarter than us.

These people think they're
smarter than scientists.

Do you know how dumb you
sound when you say

You're smarter than scientists?

You sound like those
douchebag guys who are like,

"I could totally
knock out mike tyson."

"I know he's tough, but I
catch him with a right,

He's going down for sure."

That's how you sound,
man, it's insane.

Scientists are
smarter than we are.

They work on this stuff,
man, that's all they do.

They don't care about
stuff we care about.

They don't care about fun,
or money, or sex, or anything.

They only care about
figuring stuff out.

That's why I trust them.

Do you know, do you know
why I trust scientists?

This is a perfect example
of why I trust scientists.

This is why I believe
them fully. Did you know

There are 300,000
different kinds of beetles?

300,000. That's a lot of
different beetles, man.

If it was up to me,
there'd be about 5.

Do you know what I mean?
5 beetles is plenty.

Stink beetle,
lady bug, cockroach,

Something else, volkswagen.

That's fine.
That's all we need.

But scientists
kept going, 300,000!

Do you know what that means?
That means at one point

There were 299,999
different beetles,

And some nerd found
a bug under a rock and went,

"I got a hunch".
And then he painstakingly

Compared that bug to

299,999 other beetles.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that is a nerd you can trust.

You guys have been wonderful,
thank you very much, guys.

Have a good night,
see you later.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

Please welcome the breathtaking
comedy of nick beaton.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

Hello, winnipeg.

Yes!

Oh, it is--
it's great to be here.

This is actually my
first time in winnipeg.

- (cheering & applause)
- yeah!

No, but, it's great to
be here in winnipeg,

Having a great time.

One thing that the last year
and a bit has taught me,

On social media, is exactly
how socially acceptable

It is to believe in
conspiracy theories now.

Like, it's nuts.

Remember when it used
to be shameful to

Believe in saying nonsense?
Back in the 90s,

If you believed in
conspiracy theories,

Best case scenario
for you was standing on

A street corner
screaming at strangers,

Handing out pamphlets.
That was it!

Top, top that
you could achieve.

Now, social media has
shown us

They're everywhere.
They're everywhere.

They're in the cubicle
next to you at work.

They're in your
fantasy football league.

They're your spouse.
You gotta deal with them.

Right, how many times have
you been scrolling through

Facebook lately and just
had to stop and mutter

To yourself, "well,
craig's insane now"?

(laughs)

He used to be a nice guy,
he was completely sane.

What happened?

Well, what happened
was the internet.

They all found each
other on the internet.

At one point in time,
they just used to think

They were off by themselves.

Then, on the internet,
they found each other

In 4chan and reddit,
youtube comments,

Facebook groups.

Right, and one of these
geniuses did a head count

And he's like,
"hey, wait a second, guys,

There's millions of us now.

We can go right
back to society.

They can't divorce
and fire us all, come on!"

It's like, no,
take the tinfoil hats off.

We're real estate
agents now.

(laughs)

Lot of, lot of conspiracy
theories out there.

Vaccines, that's a
conspiracy theory that

People like to believe.

The dumbest conspiracy
theory though, oh, man,

The dumbest one,
and it will never be topped,

Is the flat earth
conspiracy theory.

Just the fact that there's
full grown adults

Who think the world is flat.

What an indictment on our
education system that is.

Right, that should be
the final test before you

Graduate high school, before
they hand you your diploma.

It's like, "okay,
but before you go,

Do you think the
world's flat?" "yep."

"well, back to grade
8 then, because..."

(laughs)

Can't have you
walking around out there!

(laughs)

The reason why it's dumb,
you know why it's dumb?

Misses the key point that
every conspiracy theory

Is supposed to have...

The reason why the
government is lying to you.

That's really important.

They have to be lying to you
to get away with something.

If the government came
out tomorrow and was like,

"yeah, okay, guys, we
were messing with you.

The world actually is flat."

"okay, but I still
have to go to work, right?"

"oh, yeah. For sure.
Nothing changes.

I don't know why we did it.

We just made it up for a
long time and we just,

We were in and we
couldn't pull back."

(laughs)

It will literally have
no effect on your life.

(laughs)

I have some bad news. This is
some other news that came out.

Not long ago. They've
now officially banned

Emotional support
animals on airplanes.

I'm sorry to
break your hearts,

But you can't bring your
emotional support animal

On an airplane anymore, and...

I love the emotional support
animal on the airplane topic

Of conversation 'cause I
think based on how you think

About that, I can predict
how you can think about

Every other subject.

Right, it's such a,
it's such a generational divide.

Young people love the
emotional support animal

On an airplane.

They're very in touch with
their feelings and emotions,

And they're very aware of
mental health and anxiety,

And they're like, "we just
want everybody to feel good,

Let's bring an animal on and
everybody will feel good."

Old people are like,
"ah, kids today are wimps.

We used to just get drunk.

That's what we used to do
before we got on a plane."

Right? "we were tough
back in my day."

That's what old
people like to say now.

"oh, we were tough."

No, you weren't.
That's the thing.

Old people now
weren't tough...

Back in their day,
when they grew up,

Their parents were.
Old people's parents were tough.

They had to go through a
great depression and world wars.

That's tough.

What do old people
have to say now, like,

"oh, well, we were born into
a thriving middle class."

(laughs)

"that comes with its
own set of issues, you know.

You have to decide exactly
how fat and docile

You want to become."

(laughs)

Emotional support animals on
a plane-- and that's the thing,

The emotional support
animals on a plane,

Nobody cared when people
were bringing their dogs on.

It was like, "oh,
man's best friend.

We love a dog.
Have a good time."

Then people started bringing
snakes and peacocks and stuff,

And people were like,
"we gotta shut this down.

This is, this is--
who knows how far this'll go?"

I saw somebody was
trying to bring

An emotional support
owl onto a plane.

An owl!

Right, like, look, I get it,
flying is stressful.

We all hate it.
Everybody hates flying.

It's the-- it's terrible.

It's an awful,
stressful time.

Why would adding an owl
into that equation...

(laughs)

Make any of it
less stressful?

"oh, yeah, no, I find when
I'm really stressed out that

It really helps me to try
to wrangle a bird of prey."

(laughs)

You guys have been so
much fun, thanks so much.

Enjoy the rest
of your night,

Enjoy the rest of
the show. See ya!

♪ (applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

This comic considers herself
a bit of an outsider.

Mostly because she often
misplaces her house keys.

Please welcome
the unforgettable, lara rae.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(applause)

It's great to be here.

I'm so pleased to be here
performing for you tonight.

A couple of
months ago, I got a,

A phone call from the,
from the booker, dean,

And he's like, "hey, lara,

You want to be part of a
comedy show that sort of

Looks like the
modern world, right?"

And I'm like,
"the modern world?

You know I'm like 57, right?"
and he's like, "seriously?

You don't look it.
You look fantastic.

Stunning, lara."

And I'm like, "please, dean,
you're married."

But I digress.

(laughs)

So, then I say, "I'd love
to be part of your show.

What's it called?"
and he says, "strange days."

Now, dean,
why would you want me,

Lara rae, a transgender woman

For a show called
'strange... Days'?

And he's like,
"well, you know, you're...

You know, you're...

You know...?"

(laughs)

And I'm like, "what?
What am I, dean?

What am I, you,
you, you transphobic,

Privileged white, white,
privileged, white...

Man... Male...

Transphobic?"

And he goes,
"you want the show or not?"

And I said, "well,
I am a bit odd."

(laughs)

Strange days though, a lot
of scary stuff going on.

You know,
the planet's on fire,

Disease, war,
poverty, fascism,

Incurable disease.
But even worse,

More horrifying than
all of these things...

People challenging the concept
of gender, yeah.

I had someone come up
to me after a show once,

All angry. He's like, "there's
this person I work with

And they want to be
known as 'they'".

And I said, "are you telling me
they want to be called they?"

And he's like,
"yeah, they do!

And I'm not doing it."

I said, "you're not
gonna call them they?"

And he's like, "I am
not gonna call them they.

They can't make
me say 'they'".

And he's like so mad.

I turn to his
wife and I say,

"they're kind of an idiot,
aren't they?"

And she's like,
"yes, they are."

(laughs)

(applause)

Thank you.

It's crazy, it's crazy.

But do you know what,
as a trans person,

The most hurtful thing
for me is not the horrible,

Horrible terms, and
you've heard them all,

I'm not gonna say them...

The horrible terms for
trans people that you hear,

It was, "man in a dress",
right?

Like, I hate that,
man in a dress.

You know, ru paul...

Man in a dress.

Crossdressers, heterosexual,
man in a dress.

The pope, man in a dress.

But here I am,
a trans woman in pants.

Therefore, I'm a real woman.

- (applause)
- yeah, yeah, thank you.

- Well, thank you.
- (applause)

Not only does the expression
"man in a dress" insult me,

It negates me, both
psychologically and physically.

It negates my
physical reality.

Five years ago, I began
hormone therapy.

And three years ago, I went
to montreal at christmas

For gender
confirmation surgery.

Yes, vagina, there is
a santa claus.

(laughs)

So, while you were looking
for parking at

Bed, bath & beyond,
I'm in an or,

In montreal, with my
legs in stirrups.

But it's quebec, so
they're maple stirrups.

(laughs)

Now, the surgery
normally takes 90 minutes,

But mine took 3 hours,
because of the length.

(laughs)

- Now that's a very--
- (applause)

Yes, that's a very weird boast
for a trans person to make.

But yes, at one time,
there was a penis,

And I was attached to it.

(laughs)

I stayed awake
during surgery,

Is a line that makes every
man in the audience squirm.

But it's true.

I didn't want to
miss anything.

Well, I didn't want
them to miss anything.

And then I got home...

And it's 3 months
of recovery, right,

'cause your vagina
is new so the baby teeth

Are just coming in.

(laughs)

Some men think
that joke is real.

(laughs)

And then,
before you know it,

I was ready to date.
And then that's, of course,

Another whole
strange new world,

And I went on the
tinder to find the sex.

And it hasn't been
going very well.

I think mostly because
I call it "the sex"...

(laughs)

And the tinder, and it
kind of creeps people out.

But I just made a new profile
and I think it's gonna work.

And so, I want to--
can I share this with you?

This is real, this is
my new tinder profile, right.

So, they ask you a
bunch of questions, right.

So, first question was name.

I put lara rae.

I was doing
good so far, yeah.

And then, it says "sex".

I said, "hopefully".

(laughs)

Yeah. Yeah, and still,
no hits, nothing.

I don't know what,
I don't know what's wrong.

And then it says,
"looking for".

Looking for...

And I said,
"about 6 months."

Yeah...
It's actually been 7,

But I don't want
to look desperate.

(laughs)

And then it says,

"would you have sex
on your first date?"

And I said, "when is it?"

Yeah.

(laughs)

Like, I don't know why no
one's matching with me.

And then,
the final question was,

And I think this
is a good one.

It's important, it really
establishes something.

The final question was,
"would you move...

Would you move to
accommodate a new partner?"

And I wrote, "sure.
I don't just lie there."

(laughs)

- (applause)
- yeah.

I may be 57, but I
still got some spark.

(laughs & applause)

You guys are really nice.
Thank you so much.

Good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪

Ering & applause)

Al the sunscreen we wear
is coming off our bodies,

Into the water, and
killing the oceans.

But it's not all bad.

I like to think that with all
the antidepressants we take,

As they come off
our bodies into the water,

Ah, maybe the oceans aren't
too bummed out about it.

Let's hear it now for the
killer comedy of rob pue!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

♪ (applause) ♪

Good evening, winnipeg.
How you doing?

(cheering & applause)

Excellent.
Good to be back,

And it's nice to hear you
guys are in good spirits here.

Everybody's doing well.

And there's, you know,
and that's important.

It's important
to be happy now.

You're supposed to be.

There's a big premium being
put on being happy all the time,

Otherwise
something's wrong.

You get faced
with that all day.

"something wrong?
You okay?"

Nothing turns your mood
from happy to sad

Quite more quickly than,
"are you okay? You alright?"

You're like, "ask me again.

I'm gonna follow you home."

(laughs)

It's okay to not be happy,
is what I'm saying.

It's okay to not, you know,
feel top of your game.

We all know these
people who fake it all day.

Everybody knows
one of these people,

These mako sharks that
go through life like,

"hi, everything's great.
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

(laughs)

It's that laugh that
comes with it too.

Rich people have that laugh.

Got a lot of money,
you laugh like that.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my, me.

I know that because every
now and then I go in

My wallet and I'll
find a $50 bill.

I'll be like, ha, I'm rich.
Ha-ha-ha!

Oh...

(laughs)

Getting carried away.

You understand, it's okay to
not be happy all the time.

You could be sad.
Breathe it out.

Everybody's gotta
go through a grind, right?

Most of us tune in and
start doing bad things

To ourselves, like you'll...

What do ou start doing,
you start watching the news.

It's an awful decision to make.
It's always bad.

All news is bad news.

Even good news,
on the news, is bad news.

Right, you'll
hear something like,

"dave won
$8 million in the lottery."

You know, like,
well, up yours, dave,

You know what I mean?

You wanna give me
some news I can use,

Give me dave's address.

I'm gonna hunt dave.

(laughs)

It's just
ridiculous out there.

What else will you do,
you maybe...

Wrestle with your demons,
and you choke it all down

All day, and then, and
then you're in bed at night,

And you're lying there
and all of a sudden,

Your brain fires up,
like, "hi...

Remember all those problems
you've been choking on?

We're gonna mull those
over for the next 6 hours.

You're 42 and on
financially shaky ground.

Get up... And devise a plan."

So, we do that, or maybe
watch a reality program.

Do you do that to yourself
to try and tune out, right?

You watch storage wars, you
watch a bunch of rednecks

Rummage around people's
garbage for a rocking chair.

Does the world need cletus
finding that kind of treasure?

(laughs)

You know, it's just awful.

You can read newspapers to
try and stay enlightened.

You'll see something
like, it's a lot of bad news

Written poorly, you know.

I read an article in
the paper once that said,

This is before
breakfast, it says,

"snake eats baby."

That's not news,
that's unfortunate.

That's a bad day...

For somebody, but now
you're making it my bad day.

One snake ate one baby.

That's not news,
that's not newsworthy.

One snake eats
13 babies, I get it.

We gotta find that snake.
It's got a taste for baby.

(laughs)

Apb out on a
hungry snake, you know.

(laughs)

So, you tune into
the reality garbage,

And just to fluff
you up a little bit,

Just to make it palatable,
everything go away.

And then some of it's
just offensive to me,

Like, survivor's
gotta be the most...

Criminally offensive show I
could possibly ever think of.

I mean, it's horrendous.
It's so glib.

You send 15 people out to
some club med vacation spot.

Right, and they gotta
get food, fire, and shelter.

At best, that's camping.

(laughs)

And I understand from a
marketing standpoint

You can't call a show "camping".

(laughs)

Like, no one wants to
watch doug and todd

Put up a tarp in the rain.

(laughs)

Meanwhile, there are children
in africa actually surviving.

It's despicable.

These kids are looking for
something the price of a

Cup of coffee and, and these
other dolts in north america

Are on some vacation spot
vying for a million bucks,

That's the prize money.
A million dollars.

You guys could all
use a million dollars, yeah?

- Woo!
- Sure. I tell you what.

You put me on an island with
15 other people for that

Kind of scratch,
nobody's waking up

For episode two with me.

(laughs)

Like...

I'll be real nice in the
helicopter on the way down.

Like, "hi, can't wait to
go fishing with ya. Ha-ha-ha."

(laughs)

Later that day,
down by the river, just...

(gurgling shouts)

(laughs)

(gurgling shouts)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(laughs)

(applause)

I'll put your torch out.

Thanks very much, winnipeg,
we'll see you again.

Good night.

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪

(cheering & applause)

Well, that is it for
our strange days show.

Thank you so much for
taking a look at the

Crazy state of the
planet with us.

Now, let's head back on
out there into the world and

Just barely cope.
Thank you, good night!

♪ (cheering & applause) ♪