All language subtitles for W.C.F.S18E05.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival presents,

Discomfort zone!

Here's your host,
jessica holmes!

[applause]

Jessica: Thanks, guys!

Hello, winnipeg!

And welcome to
the discomfort zone...

[echoing]
...Zone, zone, zone!

Guys, this is a celebration
of anxiety, awkwardness,

And embarrassment.

Also neuroses, worry,
and struggle to fit in,

Free-floating panic,
disconnection,

Flawed coping mechanisms...

It's gonna be a blast!

[laughter]

Well, and cbc asked themselves,
"who makes us uncomfortable?"

And here I am!
[applause]

Woo-hoo!

[applause]

I am proud to host
the discomfort zone.

Telling the world I'm here,
I'm full of fear,

And that's okay.

I'm living my best
worst life!

Go me!

I kind of think one of the
things I do that make people

Feel awkward is I'm always
breaking into celine dion.

But I cannot help myself...

[french accent] ...Because
I am the greatest miracle

In the world.

So you're welcome
for being here, winnipeg.

And I want to tell you,
you are an incredible,

Incredible people.
I mean, sure,

You are not celine,
you are you, but still,

But still, tu-tu-tu,
I like to watch you try

To strive to my incredibleness.

And I want to tell you I was not
just born the greatest singer

In the world, no, no.

One night I knelt down
at the side of the bed,

And I prayed to god
to give me the kind of voice

That make other people
feel very... Insignificant.

[laughter]

And in that moment, an angel
flew in through the window

And farted into my lungs,

And my incredible gift was born.

And because the festival
is 18 years old,

I'm going to bless it with
the miracle that is my voice.

I'm going to sing
a duet with myself.

[laughter]

♪ happy birthday to you ♪

♪ on your birthday ♪

♪ you we-ar-her-her-ha-ha ♪

♪ may you always be

♪ as wonderfu-ha-ha ♪

♪ ha-ha-ha-al ♪

♪ as celine is thin ♪

You're welcomeness.

[applause]

[applause]

Thank you.
I want to be happy.

I read a ton of
self-help books,

But I never make it
past the first chapter.

So, I feel like if they
just made one big book

With only the first chapters
of all the other books,

That is a book I could read.
That, I could do.

I wrote a book myself, it's
called "depression, the comedy."

So, this is a book I wrote about
trying to get my mental health

Back on track,

And, for example,
one of the things was

My husband and I both
work from home,

Which is too much
of a good thing

When... Yay,
so much of a good thing

When he's home all day.

Um, and we started kind of
getting passive aggressive.

You know, I'd be like, "hey,
it seems like you replaced

"the milk bag, but then you
didn't cut the top corner off."

"some people say that's
like opening a door

"a quarter of the way
for someone.

"I'm just saying, buddy.

"and your clothes
stay in the dryer

"long after they're dry.

"it's a dryer,
not a dresser, buddy.

"I'm just saying,
I'm just saying."

So, we try to make our home
office like a real office.

You know, we pass a card around
the office for birthdays.

[laughter]

I'd hide solitaire
every time he walked by.

And at our home office,
casual fridays include sex.

I don't know if that's
all offices-- anyway.

Other days I don't want
him to go to waste, though,

So I farm him out
through hus b&b.

It's a new...
It's a new service.

You should get the app.

Anyways, I know you guys
are looking at me

And you're thinking, "oh,
she seems like an introvert."

Um...

And I actually am when I'm not
onstage making a dork of myself,

And I find it hard with kids,

Because I feel pressure
to make small talk

With all the other parents

Dropping them off
for a playdate.

And I don't have
the energy for all that

Yuppy chit-chat
over chardonnay.

I don't to ogle your new
three-pack of jacuzzis

From costco.

I can barely remember
my passwords.

I don't want to gab with folks
whose biggest problem is

Expensive poodle mixes,
which one to buy?

"I don't know, carol.

"I've had three glasses
of wine this morning,

"and I haven't read
a newspaper in 12 years,

"but I hear
labradoodles are okay."

That's pretty much it.

The only playdates I want
to go to are with parents

Who just cut straight
to the chase.

Like this one neighbour I got.

[russian accent]
"the girl child I created

"was kicking ball to
the girl child you created;

"laughter exited
their mouth holes.

"your daughter was a bit slow,
but it's okay,

"she can come over again.

"I recommend they participate
in the recreational activities

"tomorrow at the same time.

"do you want to
come in for tea?

"do you know what?
I don't want you in my house.

"take the tea, take the teabag,
take the boiling water,

"drink it alone
in your own home.

"goodbye."

That I love.

[chuckles]
thank you.

[applause]

But I have read that
the key to feeling good

Is self-acceptance.

But it sounds like
so much work!

I just want things to be easier,
like mindfulness.

I tried meditating,
I even took a class in it,

But they were all like,
"stop texting."

Why?
We're just sitting here!

That's the perfect time.

I always felt, though,
like walking my dog

Is my time to meditate.
It's bliss.

And having a dog is really good
for your mental health.

Um, personally,
I have a purse dog.

Um, she's so sweet.

Sometimes it's hard
to get her in the purse

Because she's part husky.

[laughter]

Um, for a lot of people,
their dogs are their baby,

But my dog
is not like my kids.

Um, my kids don't lick their
lips when I fart, for example.

Just...
[laughter]

My kids don't smell
like canned ham

Had a baby with
expired salmon.

They're just--
it's different,

It's different
is what I'm saying.

All right, now that you're
all good and uncomfortable,

It's time to get on
with the show!

[applause]

[applause]

This comic says he isn't
just socially awkward,

He's also privately awkward.

Please welcome
adam christie!

[applause]

Adam: Hello.
My name's adam christie.

How are you?
Audience member: Good!

Adam: Good?
Nice, let's get these up.

Establish dominance early.

Alpha male, betas.

Oh, oh, what's that?

Sharp.

I'm a sharp man.

Look at that, huh?

Usually the bicep's supposed
to be bigger than the forearm.

Not on me!

God hates me!

I'm a little praying mantis
boy is what I am.

Very skinny man.

Get back up.

I feel like-- regular guy,
can't show off my arms.

Like, regular guys show off
their arms, and people, like,

"oh yeah, two tickets
to the gun show," right?

But I feel like I show off
my arms and people are like,

"oh yeah, two...

"there's two lanyards
to the podcast festival."

[laughter]

I am divorced.

Just keeps on
getting better, baby!

Come on!
I'm a divorced man--

I don't look divorced, too.
Men are divorced.

Like, if you're divorced,
do things like, "I'm a man,

"I'm divorced,
she took it all!

"where's my kids?
She took the elantra, aah!"

Right?
I don't give off a manly vibe.

I give off more of a vibe
of mormon camp counsellor.

That's what I give off.

[laughter]

I feel, I don't know,
I'm pretty tough.

I'm a pretty tough guy.

I played sports
in high school.

I could have gone pro.

[laughter]

Except the sport I was good at
in high school, um...

Doesn't exist,
so that's my problem.

It's called...
It's called croccer.

It's a combination of soccer...

And crying.

[laughter]

Not a jock in high school.

I had a lot of cruel
nicknames growing up.

In grade 2, my name is adam
christie, and in grade 2,

I crapped my pants on
a field trip to a swamp,

So kids called me adam crusty.

And I should have gone
and cleaned myself up,

But instead I just yelled out,
"I just crapped my pants!"

In front of everybody,
and then the next day at school,

We had to draw what
we learned at the swamp.

And I drew a tree
and a frog and the swamp,

And the rest of
the guys in my class

Drew me crapping my pants.

[laughter]

A few days after that,
we were doing test prep

For an ecosystems test, and
the teacher was going around,

And he was like, "okay, kids,
where does a swamp come from?"

And then dean bennet,
the cool kid, put up his hand,

And he was like,
"adam christie's butt?"

And then the teacher...

...Laughed!

And it was that day that
I decided, "you know what?

"I think I'm going to have
general anxiety disorder

"for the rest of my life."
and here we are.

[laughter]

I collect crystals now.

Anyone collect crystals here?

I'm your aunt.
I'm your spiritual aunt.

I'm a divorced man
with crystals.

That's my life now.

Usually if people get divorced,
men get divorced,

They go work out,
they get rock-hard abs.

Just rocks for me,
please, just rocks.

I'm gonna see my ex-wife
in one month

At a mutual friend's wedding.

We haven't seen each other
for two years,

And she's gonna be like, "adam,
please meet my new boyfriend,"

And I'm gonna be like,

"I pray to these rocks now.

"I don't need you
anymore, jenna.

"I have rose quartz."

[laughter]

I did my taxes recently,

And I found out I
can write these off

'cause I talk about them
in my act, so...

[laughter]
thank you, thank you.

[applause]

Hear that, cra?

[applause]

My accountant said anything
that if I do anything,

If I write a joke about it,
I can write that activity off

Because it's
research for my job,

Because I'm a comedian.
So that's pretty cool.

So, in that case,

I have been sleeping...

With a lot of
prostitutes lately.

[laughter]

And you know what I've noticed

The prostitutes hate doing

Is writing receipts.

[laughter]

I have a new girlfriend.

Audience member: Woo-hoo!

Adam: She's very nice.
Thank you so much, one person.

Uh, she's very nice.
I love her a lot.

Her name is rose...

...Quartz.
[laughter]

I'm crazy!

[laughter]

No, I have a girl.
She's very nice.

I feel like I have anxiety
'cause of what we watch.

We watch a lot of true crime.

Uh, I watch so much true crime
that I've made a suspect list

In the event of my murder.

I made a list of all the people
who I think will kill me,

So if I'm ever killed,
I've hid this list

All around my house, so
the cops will find one of them,

And they'll know where
to start in my murder case.

And my girlfriend found
one of the lists recently,

And she's mad
at me now because

She's the only one
on the list.

[laughter]

I am, uh...

Very good-looking.

[laughter]

I don't like that.

I got my beautiful blue eyes

And defined face structure
from my father,

'cause he's russian,
and that's nice.

And I got my skinniness
and pointy ears

From fetal alcohol syndrome.

[laughter]

[laughter]

Which... My mom
doesn't like that joke.

[laughter]

But I didn't like shooters
in the womb, brenda.

[laughter]

That's not true.

My mom-- I love my parents.
They're the best.

They're very supportive.
I love them a lot.

Not in a weird way.

I, um...

You guys see these people who
kiss their parents on the lips?

What's going on with that?

We got any parent lip kissers
here in the crowd?

I know you perverts
are out there somewhere,

Kissing your parents.

I feel like that's
a thing you gotta do

Throughout your entire life.

I don't think you
can start and stop

Kissing your
parents on the lips.

Like, I think the last time
I kissed my dad on the lips,

I was four years old.

I don't think I could roll up
on my parent's house

As a 32-year-old man
and be like,

"dad...

[laughter]

"...Take your glasses off."

[laughter]

Okay, that's it for me.
My name's adam christie.

Thank you guys so much,
winnipeg!

Thank you so much,
winnipeg!

Goodnight.

[applause]

Lause]
goodnight.

Jessica: All right, if this
comic makes you uncomfortable,

Don't worry,
it's purely intentional.

Please welcome
chelsea lou!

[applause]

[applause]

Chelsea: Oh...
Winnipeg!

Oh, it's so nice
to be here.

I have not been
to your city before.

Your downtown...

[laughter]

...It's interesting.

Cat-calling,
still a thing.

Had no idea that cat-calling
was still a thing.

I think, like,
the only drive-by heckling

That I ever get from these dudes
is always stuff like...

Um...
It's always like...

"you look very sad!"

[laughter]

No, I get told that a lot.

I have, like,
a very off-putting,

Like, demeanour.

Like, I just rub
people the wrong way.

I say the wrong thing
all the time, I dunno.

Let's put it this way:
I have had two stalkers

Who independently
came to the same conclusion

That they made
a bad choice, so...

[laughter]

It's kind of sad.

Uh, I'm mentally ill.
Did I mention that yet?

Mentally ill?

I have one of those doctors,
she's likes, to, like,

Treat everything
naturally and stuff.

She's like a pretend doctor.
Um...

[laughter]

For example,
for my clinical depression--

This is absolutely true--

She gave me a prescription
for turmeric.

[laughter]

Oh, you're right,
that is a seasoning, yes.

Uh, then she
handed me a poem,

So that's really
chipping away

At the issue at hand.

She recommended flotation
therapy as a nice option.

Do you guys know
what a float tank is?

Like an isolation tank,
you have those here?

If you're not familiar,
a float tank is this, like, pod

Full of this
really salty water,

So you can float on it
really easily.

Then you bring this lid down
so that you can't see

Or hear anything.

It's like a sensory
deprivation thing,

And the idea is that
you're made to feel nothing,

Which I'm already,
like, really good at,

So I was like, "ah...
Bring it on."

So I tried it,
'cause I felt like

Baking a panic attack
from scratch.

I don't know...
[laughter]

...Why I thought
this would go well.

I don't know why
this doctor was like,

"you know what's gonna
help this chick's anxiety?

"uh, trapping herself
into a moist coffin."

[laughter]

"just spend $75 to be
alone with her thoughts."

[laughter]

She's a weird doctor.

She asked me a lot
of weird questions.

The last time I was there,
this doctor asked me

If my vagina...

Was ph balanced.

[laughter]

Uh, I didn't know I was
supposed to know the acidity

Or basic nature
of my snooch

At this juncture.

I'm not going swimming in it.
I didn't think to check.

Like, you know?
Like, it's like...

I am not planting
potatoes in it.

I didn't know
I was supposed to--

Somewhere between bleach
and lemonade, I imagine.

But, you know...

Your guess is
as good as mine, toots.

Roll up those sleeves, do it.

[laughter]

Ah...

Uh, so I'm a teacher.

I teach young children.

[laughter]

What?

It's fine, it's fine.
I love teaching.

Uh, I also
didn't have a choice.

I had to become a teacher
because I have an art degree...

[laughter]

...Because I don't value money
and I hate myself, so...

I had to become a teacher.

Here's a--
let's try this.

Just gonna keep it loose.
Let's keep it light, huh?

Here's what we're gonna do.
Like... Like, let's try this.

Like, what's your name,
for example?

Audience woman: Mary.
Chelsea: Mary, um...

Mary, and, like, listen,

You might be able
to relate to this.

If you can't, someone else
here for sure

Are gonna be able
to relate to this.

Mary, um, do you ever
become so fixated

On the futility of everything
that it just completely

Immobilizes you and then you
just stare blankly into space,

Listening to weird german music,
hoping the feeling will pass,

But it just never does?

So then you get the next day
and you go to your job

At the middle school, you look
around at all these kids,

And they're still
so filled with, like,

Positivity and hope
for the future,

But you don't have the heart
to tell them their generation

Is infinitely more
screwed than your own,

So instead you silently
take on the pain

Of their eventual
lack of prospects.

You compound that on top of
your own fears about the fact

That you have no idea what the
hell you're doing with your life

And what even happened to it,
then you start looking at cars

Passing by, right, mary,
and you're like,

"hey, how much would it hurt
really if you let one of them

"hit you just hard enough
so you can take

"a couple of months off?"

But instead you paste
a smile on your face,

You look around at
the classroom, you're like,

"hey, it's almost easter.

"maybe I should take down all
these Halloween decorations."

I've already given up
on this job.

So you start taking down
all the Halloween--

So, mm, oh-oh, you can't
call them Halloween skeletons

Though, right?
'cause justin's parents

Are christian, so you call
them holiday skeletons!

And you have the kids make
holiday pumpkins out of clay,

Then one of the kids asks you
how you mix orange paint,

Which is super cute
for a second.

Then he asks you
how you spell love.

Ugh, god, dark!

And then you're like,
"wait a second,

"isn't this that kid
with the alcoholic parents

"whose dad wears
gardening gloves on his feet

"like shoes?"

Then you're like,
"oh my god, this is perfect."

I may never get
to have kids, mary,

And these people
spit out three of them,

And they are just
one family of millions

Who are just like them
all over the world,

But at least you got
your jokes, huh, mary?

You got your fun little jokes

You been bringing
around town, huh?

See how they go.
Not great.

Not great.

Oh...
[applause]

And then you're like,
"oh my god, this is perfect.

"it's the one
thing in my life

"that makes me feel
meaning and purpose.

"is that slipping through
my fingers as well?"

Of course it is.

Why wouldn't it be?

That is rich.

And then your friends
are like, "you know what?

"for the next show, why don't
you just throw away the script,

"speak from the heart,
try riffing with the audience

"because it's good practice?"

Then you say, "I don't know
if that's a good idea.

"I'm in a really bad
place right now."

Has that ever happened
to you, mary?

[laughter]

Oh, you guys have
been wonderful.

My name's chelsea lou.
Have a good night.

[applause]

[applause]
my name's chelsea lou.
Have a good night.

Jessica: This comic
is no stranger to

Embarrassing situations,
which makes life hard for him.

But hilarious
for the rest of us!

Please welcome
mark james heath!

[applause]

Mark: Hey, winnipeg.

It's so great
to be back here.

Um... [exhales]
okay, so...

About 15 years ago,
in 2004,

I married the woman
of my dreams, you know?

Yeah.
And, um...

It was also the year
that I took my first drink,

Because she gets
on my damn nerves!

So, pray for me,

Please and thank you.

We split up, like,
over the summer.

We almost didn't
make it to 15 years.

So that last summer around
the same time,

Had a big fight,

And separated, and like,
I was couch-surfing

And living on my own,
and like...

Selling plasma and trying
to, like, function, right?

And I was where,
historians have referred to it

As, um, rock bottom.

I don't know if
you've heard of this.

'cause, like, at that point,
we weren't so much a family

As much as we were, like,

A really photogenic
trauma factory.

You know what I mean?

So it felt like
the right thing to do.

And it's so funny,
like, as soon as you--

I don't know if this happens
to, like, women,

But as, like, a guy,
as soon as you, like,

Get out of a relationship,

There's always one of
your buddies that wants

To cheer you up with, like,
"oh yeah, man,

"now you can have sex
with whoever you want."

And I'm like, "bruh, I've been
in a committed relationship

"with the same person
since I was 19 years old.

"I'm not, like, anxious
to get out here

"and, like, start messing around
with strangers."

That dirty talk is gonna
be extremely awkward.

It's just gonna me being like,
"yeah, girl, tell me I matter."

[laughter]

"yeah, baby, you like it
when I over-share?

"you love when I over-share,
don't you?"

You do all types of
fun stuff in relationships.

Like, you start sending
nude pictures to each other.

You can do that after
15 years of marriage.

Nobody wants to see
my naked 34-year-old body.

I'm like a hundred pounds
and a microphone.

Nobody is interested in that
coming through their dms.

Naked, I look like a black
mr. Burns from the simpsons,

Wearing short socks.

[laughter]

I remember growing up, I knew
a lot of people who, like,

Their parents didn't
even get along,

Or their parents barely
knew each other,

Let alone, like,
took care of the kids.

Like, everybody in my family
tells me that I look a lot like

My grandfather, like,
my mother's father, right?

Which is tough for me because
I've only seen this dude, like,

Four times in my whole life,
like, including his funeral,

You know what I mean?

It's 'cause he, like, went
around the united states

Setting up, like,
franchise families,

You know what I'm talking about?

Like, you can track the great
migration of african-americans

Across the united states

By where my grandfather
was ejaculating, basically.

It was just like...
Mississippi, skeet!

Tennessee, skeet!

Chicago, illinois,
skeet!

Southern california,
skeet!

So, I was very, very-- like,
sex was very high stakes for me.

It was a very serious
sort of a thing.

I was very, very,
like, serious about it.

And I knew a lot of, like,

Girls that were my age
that were pregnant.

Like, most of the girls
I was interested in

When I was in high school
were teenage moms,

So it was a very, like,
different sort of thing.

I remember I used to flirt
with this girl in, like,

Honours sociology, right?

And one time she was absent
for, like, two weeks, right?

We're in the 10th grade,
she comes back, and I'm like,

"dang, where you been,
tiffany?

"what's been going on?"

She's like, "oh, my son
was in the hospital."

Like, what?

We can't date.

You have a 10-month-old, I have
a x-men t-shirt on right now.

[laughter]

We are not evenly yoked at all.

This is totally different.

Sexuality is completely
different when you grow up,

Like, in a neighbourhood
like that.

That's why, like, sex, very high
stakes for me when I was a kid.

I was celibate when
I was in high school.

It was very important to me
to not mess up somebody's life.

You know what I mean?
Like, it was a serious thing.

I remember I used to talk to
my penis like a single mother

Talks to their, like, child.

I was just like...

"you are not gonna
be a stumbling block

"to this community."

[laughter]

"you are a blessed
and highly favoured member."

"you are gonna
stay in here with me."

[laughter]

"don't you give me
that puppy dog eye."

[laughter]

"I beat you
because I love ya."

[laughter]

I'm mark james heath.
Thank you.

[applause]

♪

Jessica: Hey, guys.
Hey, guys.

Just trying to...
Keep the show awkward.

Just trying to really...

Just go for it.

So, here's another
awkward thing about me.

I always felt ripped off
as an irish girl, you know,

Because all the good
superheroes are from the uk,

Or they're from
the united states,

And northern ireland
shamrock man never caught on.

[irish accent]
quick, there's danger!

Out of me green slacks
and into me green onesie.

Oh, but look, it's so bright out
and I have no spf or tilley hat.

Quick, I'll duck into this pub,
where I can gingerly

Sneak attack the assailant
by poking him in his freckly

Adam's apple and throwing
tater tots his way,

But first a pint, a smoke,
and a call to miriam

To let her know I won't be home
and she'll have to put seamus,

Shanae, patrick, liam, braun,
braunwin, bryce, vanula,

And the wee baby twins
to bed on her own.

Thank you.

[applause]

Thanks, guys.

I just want my ancestors to be
known for more than their stews.

That's what's...

And you know what?

If I'm gonna be
a pasty superhero,

I need to work out,

And that's what
I've been doing.

Do you guys ever
put on your gym clothes

And then just sit
and watch tv in them?

[laughter]

Mm-hm.

I thought about getting
a fitbit, you know,

The bracelet kind where
you get points for every time

You do this,
but my husband was like,

"oh, stop giving me handies."

Anyway, it was a whole...

[laughter]

I just...

"I'm trying to eat breakfast,
honey, come on!"

It just, I was overzealous,
I guess.

I don't know.

It's very hard to get
motivated, though.

And you know what?

I feel like you have to force
yourself to really say yes

To getting fit.

[music starts playing]

Music helps!

It's working, guys!

♪ yes, I can do it ♪

♪ I can go
to the gym today ♪

♪ I have made up my mind ♪

♪ I feel certain that
nothing will stand in my way ♪

♪ yes, I can make it ♪

♪ I can really, really
go to the gym today ♪

♪ I know I said it before,
but I have a feeling ♪

♪ that today I will
actually go, maybe ♪

♪ yes, to mouth-breathers ♪

♪ yes, to hot guys
who live in mama's basement ♪

♪ yes, to communal showers
where you make an effort ♪

♪ not to look
at anybody's junk ♪

♪ I can't hashtag fitlife
for three push-ups ♪

♪ and a thigh master squeeze ♪

♪ so, yes! ♪

♪ if I want to brag online,
it's time for the gym ♪

A key change
would help, thanks!

♪ yes, I can do it ♪

♪ use the membership
I bought in 2008 ♪

♪ my home gym
is just a yoga mat ♪

♪ I use as a seat cover
on my toyota tercel ♪

Another key change?!

♪ yes, I can make it ♪

♪ I can really, really go
to the gym today, probably ♪

♪ so what if spin class feels
like a crowbar to the... ♪

♪ the nether regions ♪

♪ yes, to finally
training for that 1k ♪

♪ yes, to breaking wind with
each trot on the treadmill ♪

♪ yes, to the free feeling
of peeing in the shower ♪

♪ I don't do that,
unless you do it ♪

♪ I don't... ♪
♪ do you? ♪

♪ yes ♪

♪ go to the gym ♪

Tomorrow... Probably.

Or the next day.
Just... Yeah.

[applause]

♪

Jessica: This comic knows
a thing about being awkward.

Well, that makes three of us.

Please welcome
sasheer zamata!

[applause]

♪

Sasheer: Hi, there.
I'm so glad to be here.

It's a very
supportive environment.

Feels like a safe space.

So I feel really confident
that I can talk to you about

This sti scare I had
a few years ago.

[laughter]

Thank you.

Sexually transmitted infection,

We used to call them stds,

The d was for disease,
and now it's an infection,

So it's not so dramatic,
you know?

It's not a disease;
it's like, it's an infection

That could bother you
for the rest of your life.

[laughter]

It happened the normal way.

I had unprotected sex with
a guy I didn't really know.

And I was travelling
at the time,

So I didn't have access
to my usual doctor,

So I went to the women's
clinic in town,

And I was sitting in the lobby,
surrounded by all these

Stressed out teenagers,
and they're looking at me like,

"well, I'm here
'cause I am a teenager

"and I don't know better,
but that's a full-ass adult."

Don't people her age have
their shit together by now?

And then I pop up like the
ghost of christmas future, like,

"no, you can make life-ruining
decisions whatever age you are!"

[laughter]

And so all the teens get seen;

I'm the last person
in the lobby.

Everyone in the staff is,
like, closing up shop;

They're locking the cabinets
like, "what do you need?"

And I'm like,
"someone to look at my pussy!

"please, it hurts!"

And they're like,
"if we must."

They bring me to the back.

I open up for the doctor,

And she looks at me,

And just looks like
an explorer from afar.

[laughter]

And she's like,
looks fine from here.

And she would say that because

She's never seen
my parts before.

So I started pointing
and I was like,

"well, this is different
and this is different,"

And she goes, "okay,
do you want me to swab you down

"and test for
white blood cells?"

And if I had a lot of
white blood cells

That meant that I probably
had an infection.

I was like,
"yes, please."

She gets a swab,

Swabs me down like
a science experiment,

Goes to the next room
for a long time,

And I'm just sitting there
with my thoughts, like,

"oh my god, I hope
this is not permanent."

She comes back
and she goes,

"okay, I have good news,

"and I have bad news.

"the good news is,

"you don't have an sti.

"the bad news is,

"you have a crazy bad
yeast infection."

Now...

I've never been to
medical school before,

But I don't think the term

"crazy bad"...

[laughter]

...Is appropriate jargon!

That was terrible
bedside manner!

But I let it slide.

I was like, "she said
I don't have an sti, great,

"I'll just take the medicine
and be on my way."

And she goes,
"no, you don't understand,

"it was so bad."

And I was like,
"I heard you the first time.

"just give me the medicine
and I'll be on my way."

And she gives me this cream
that I have to put in a syringe,

And every night I have
to lie on the bathroom floor

With my back on floor
and my legs in the air,

And insert it.

And every time I do it,
I'm like,

"man, this is
a harsh reminder that

"if I was never in this position
in the first place...

[laughter]

"...I wouldn't be in
this position right now."

[laughter]

But it's all cleared up,
so I'm good to go, fellas.

[applause]

[applause]

I've been wondering
this lately...

What do you think has
to happen in a person's life

To make them want to buy

Eyelashes for their car?

[laughter]

[laughter]

Like, who hurt you?

[laughter]

Did a car hurt you?

[laughter]

Who is it for?

Like, are we all suppose to look
in our rear-view mirrors

And be like...

[laughter]

"am I in the movie cars?

[laughter]

"and is this car
flirting with me?"

[laughter]

I wear fake eyelashes
when I want to feel sexy.

Are the owners of these cars

Trying to make their cars sexy?

And again, for who?

Are all the cars with eyelashes
being mounted by all the trucks

With truck nuts?

[laughter]

[applause]

Also, trucks nuts, why?

[laughter]

What was that for?

Is that, like, a reflection
of our society, where it's like,

"if my car's gonna be a girl,

"she's gonna have pretty
eyelashes and makeup,

"and if my car's gonna be a boy,
he's gonna have nuts!"

[laughter]

I don't even think nuts are
the most appropriate body part

To display strength
and masculinity.

[laughter]

If you want to show
the world through your car

That you have
strength and virility,

You should want
to show people

That you're adaptable

And that you have endurance,

And that you're open and warm

And multi-layered...

Like a vagina!

[laughter]

[applause]

Don't get truck nuts,
get a snatch-back!

All right,
thank you very much!

[applause]

♪

♪

Jessica: Like me, this comic
is a natural introvert,

And I take great
comfort in knowing

We'll never, ever have
a conversation about it.

Please welcome
pete johansson!

[applause]

♪

Pete: Thank you, thanks.

Oh, all right.

Um, hi.

So nice to be here
in winnipeg.

I love it.

I'm married, like many
of the other acts on the show.

My wife loves me a lot.

I like her.

I've been married for 11 years,
been quite wonderful.

Me and my wife are quite
sexually adventurous,

I guess is the word.
I don't know, what you call...

Swingers,
that's the word!

Um...
[laughter]

We've been, we're swingers
for a number of years.

We don't swing anymore.
It wasn't our choice.

Um...
[laughter]

Um, yeah, can't
find a participant.

[laughs]
no, we're getting old.

We miss the old adventure days,
though, me and my wife.

We always, we can still
fantasize about it,

We still masturbate and think
about how we used to be.

You know?

[laughter]

You ever do that
with your partner?

Remember, oh, remember that?
Oh yeah,

Oh, and you lean back,
arrrr, you know?

[laughter]

That was good.
That was a fun time.

Our anniversary last year,
I was like,

"you know, we could
do something crazy!"

And we're like, "oh, we don't
really want to lose weight."

And, um...
[laughter]

So she was like,
"why don't you just get me--

"let's get me a new...
Let's get a new sex toy."

I was like, "yes, yeah,
that sounds fun.

"we haven't had
a new sex toy in a while.

"we've kind of, well,
fallen into the pattern.

"let's get something new."
and I was like,

"what do you want?
She goes, "let's get...

"oh, let's push
the boundaries."

I'm like, "oh yeah,
ooh, let's do it.

"what would you like?"

She goes, "I'd like
a big sex toy."

I'm like, "oh!
Okay, all right.

"yeah, something to take me
back to my college days.

"done, done, yeah, okay, I don't
want to know anymore details

"right away, but sure."

I was like, "how--
you want a big one?"

And she's like, "yeah."
I'm like, "how long, how long?

"you tell me how long
a toy you want."

And she was shy at first.

She's like, "I don't know,
I don't know, 10?

"10 inches?"

I'm like, "yeah, okay!

"yeah, I'll get you
a 10-inch toy, done, done."

And I was like, "what do
you want for circumference

"on that baby, huh?"

And she's like,
"mm, two, two inches."

And I was like,
"no, no,

"I don't think that's right,
I don't think so.

"maybe diameter, maybe
diameter will be easy.

"what do you want for
diameter on that?"

And she's like,
"um... Uh...

"12 inches."
I'm like, "nope."

[laughter]

"nope, you don't
want that at all."

"that's not what
you want at all."

And that's when I realized
my wife couldn't calculate

The volume of a cylinder.

And...

[laughter]

[laughter]

I never been more ashamed
of her in my entire life.

[laughter]

It's like,
are you kidding me?

You can't calculate
the volume of a cylinder?

What, you don't know
geometry, basic algebra?

What are you,
what are you doing?

And she goes,
"when I ever gonna use that?"

I'm like,
"now, right now!"

[laughter]

Explaining to your husband
the size of a sex toy,

That's what they should tell
kids when they're teaching it!

[laughter]

Some day you're gonna want to
be specific about a toy, kids,

And this is what
you need to know.

And she's like,
"don't math-shame me."

I'm not math-shaming you,
but you should know these

Basic geometric functions.

She's like, "no, no.
I think it's wrong."

She goes, "fine.
I want one that big, that big.

"that's how big I want it."

[laughter]

Now the problem
with "that big"

Is I couldn't walk over
to the computer and go to amazon

And go "that big."

[laughter]

So I had to actually
go into a physical sex shop,

If you will.

I went into the local
mom-and-pop sex shop.

[laughter]

You know, shop local,

Keep the business
in business, you know?

And I'll be honest with you,

Talk about a section
of the industry

That has not done well
in the transformation

To the digital age.

Most people do their shopping
for these products online now.

And they're suffering.

I walked in there and they
could barely keep the lights on,

That's how dark it was.
[laughter]

And I'm like, "this isn't good,"
and I asked the clerk, I go,

"it seems pretty dead in here,"
and they're like,

"yeah, oh, we're not getting
a lot of business lately."

I go, "why is that?"

"well, people, you know,
they buy most stuff online."

I go, "what kind of
business do you do?"

"oh, people that want
to check out our products

"and see something
before they buy it.

"that's a little bit."

And I go, "what's
the other part?"

"oh, people that
need a toy now ."

Like, that's a lot
of the business.

Can't wait 24 hours
for a delivery.

They come in and they're gone,
like it's an emergency.

[laughter]

I was like,
"how often is that?"

"like, about one an hour."
and I was in there for an hour,

And there was like
three emergencies.

Like, just, huh, huh, huh!
Gone, like just...

[laughter]

It's an economic principle.
But I can't judge.

I'm in there, you know,
shaking the hands of penises

The entire time I'm in there
trying to find the right size.

Hello, hello,
hello, hello, hello.

Hello...
Oh, hello.

[laughter]

And I found it.

I found the one that
she was looking for.

There it was,
just right length,

Other part.
[laughter]

Now, the problem with this
is I try to be a good person.

I'm trying to be a good person.

I'm trying to be on
the right side of history.

I don't want to be--

I don't want to look back
and be ashamed

Of the choices I made
at some point in my life

And not realize
I should have seen ahead

That that was wrong
at the time.

And this particular toy

Had a very strong
ethnic flavour to it.

[laughter]

It was stressing a very
specific race in its...

In its, in its,
uh, design.

And I don't know
if that's right.

I don't, that
doesn't feel right.

I gotta be honest with ya,
my core part of me going,

"I shouldn't be buying
a part of another race."

That doesn't seem like
a good thing to me at all.

Like, I shouldn't be,
"oh, yeah, yeah, give me that!"

Like, that doesn't
seem right to me.

But at the same point,
I couldn't pick it up and go,

"hey, you got these in white?"

I couldn't do that either.
[laughter]

Folks, you guys have been great.
My name's pete johansson.

Thank you.

[applause]

♪

♪

Jessica: Guys,
that's our show!

We could not have asked
for a better audience,

But that's only because
we have very low self-esteem.

Awkward to the end,
that's me.

Thank you, winnipeg!
Goodnight!

[applause]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪