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♪
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00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:06,505
♪
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Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival presents,
4
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Square pegs!
5
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Here's your host,
kevin mcdonald!
6
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[applause]
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Kevin: Hello, winnipeg!
8
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[applause]
9
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Hello, winnipeg!
And, uh, hey...
10
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You haven't thrown
anything at me yet,
11
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:30,329
So I have to say,
what a great audience!
12
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:33,198
Tonight's theme
is square pegs,
13
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People who don't fit in.
14
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Guilty!
15
00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:40,539
I guess all comics
are square pegs a bit.
16
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I'm just a little more
square peggier than most.
17
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:46,611
Um, for example,
I only like to pay my taxes
18
00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:48,513
On the odd years
of a decade.
19
00:00:48,515 --> 00:00:50,182
[laughter]
20
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,350
2003, 2005.
21
00:00:52,352 --> 00:00:53,485
I'm eccentric!
22
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:56,888
Well, eccentric, tax criminal.
Tomato, tomah-to.
23
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I'll let god decide!
24
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[laughter]
25
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,693
Uh, it does
come from my mom.
26
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:04,163
She was also a square peg.
27
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,365
Back in the '90s when
I was on a tv show called
28
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,967
The kids in the hall tv show--
don't applaud,
29
00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,135
Um, I told you
not to applaud--
30
00:01:10,137 --> 00:01:13,505
Um, when that
tv show was on,
31
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,974
My mom would put on
both her tv sets
32
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,976
'cause she thought it
would improve our ratings.
33
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:21,045
[laughter]
34
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I'm the son of a square peg!
35
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:26,718
Well, tonight I will
be your square peg.
36
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,920
Will you be my round hole?
37
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,424
[applause]
38
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,326
On paper, that didn't
sound so dirty.
39
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,862
I apologize.
40
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And also, I am,
ladies and gentlemen,
41
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Besides being a square peg,
I admit it,
42
00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:43,535
I am a minor celebrity.
43
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[chuckles]
minor celebrity.
44
00:01:45,539 --> 00:01:48,072
Well, minor celebrity,
celebrity--
45
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If you dip your toe in the pool,
you're wet--
46
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I'm a major celebrity!
47
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[laughter]
48
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You see,
I am the kind of celebrity
49
00:01:56,083 --> 00:01:58,083
That people
stare at in airports,
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Trying to figure out
who I am.
51
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,620
[laughter]
52
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,955
Was I their art professor
in college?
53
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,359
[laughter]
54
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,094
The accountant from
revenue canada
55
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,762
Who audited them in '98?
56
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:12,631
[laughter]
57
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,633
You see the thing is,
I am a kid in the hall,
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00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:18,970
And all kids in the hall fans
are male, um, 41,
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Slightly overweight,
have beards
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00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,375
Because they're trying to
hide the fact that they're
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00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,711
Slightly overweight.
[laughter]
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00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:28,247
They have girlfriends; none of
them have ever been married,
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Not even to third base,
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00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:34,052
And they all got high
in college watching us,
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While refusing to study.
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00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:38,757
And, you know what,
this is an old description.
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00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:42,126
The other day at the airport,
a man clearly in his '80s
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Came up to me
with his walker and said,
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00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:48,200
"I grew up watching
you in college."
70
00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:50,868
[laughter]
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00:02:50,870 --> 00:02:53,272
"we used to get high
watching your show.
72
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,941
"I'm showing all your kids
in the hall sketches on youtube
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"to my girlfriend.
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00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:58,877
"I've never touched her body.
75
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"I'm crushing your head.
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00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:03,248
"I'm crushing..."
[laughter]
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00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,549
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
78
00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:09,121
I understand the kind
of celebrity that I am.
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00:03:09,123 --> 00:03:12,323
♪ yes, I'm that guy ♪
80
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:15,727
♪ that you saw
on that thing! ♪
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00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:19,231
♪ that you saw on tv ♪
82
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,833
♪ back in college ♪
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♪ yes, I know you ♪
84
00:03:24,904 --> 00:03:28,273
♪ grew up watching me, ♪
85
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♪ though I clearly see ♪
86
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,579
♪ you're over 45... ♪
87
00:03:34,581 --> 00:03:37,982
♪ which just makes me ♪
88
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:41,052
♪ old, obviously ♪
89
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:44,323
♪ and yes, I admit ♪
90
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:47,893
♪ I never finished college ♪
91
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,062
♪
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00:03:50,064 --> 00:03:54,599
♪ I was too busy,
always working ♪
93
00:03:54,601 --> 00:03:57,135
♪ on just being ♪
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00:03:57,137 --> 00:04:00,272
♪ a moderately successful ♪
95
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:04,943
♪ semi-popular comedian ♪
96
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,879
♪
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00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:10,882
♪ I know that I'm ♪
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00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:14,152
♪ a vaguely familiar guy ♪
99
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:18,023
♪ curly hair,
voice that's high ♪
100
00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:22,260
♪ irritating...Ly high ♪
101
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♪ you can't place me ♪
102
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:28,767
♪ some guy from tv ♪
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00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,836
♪ oh, maybe I'm screech ♪
104
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,507
♪ from saved by the bell ♪
105
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,043
[laughter]
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00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:41,412
♪ if you see me ♪
107
00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:45,283
♪ in an airport
at gate 3 ♪
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♪ please stare at me ♪
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♪ till you figure out
where you know me from ♪
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00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:53,592
♪ keep staring... ♪
111
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,660
♪ what tv show
you saw me on... ♪
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00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:57,529
♪ keep staring ♪
113
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,131
♪ what cartoon my voice
has annoyed you some... ♪
114
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,599
♪ keep staring ♪
115
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:04,069
♪ and if you don't figure
it out, just keep staring ♪
116
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:05,270
♪ keep staring... ♪
117
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,273
♪ that will make me
feel very comfortable ♪
118
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,408
Then ask me
what you've see me on,
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00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,009
Forcing me to list my credits,
120
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:14,413
With you saying no
after everything I list.
121
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,814
I don't know what
you saw me on, man!
122
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,283
Was it seinfeld?
No!
123
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:20,218
That '70s show?
No!
124
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,254
My voice in lilo and stitch?
No!
125
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:24,122
My 30-second appearance
in galaxy quest?
126
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:26,191
No, no, no!
127
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,693
Hey, I know who you are!
128
00:05:28,695 --> 00:05:32,197
♪ you're just a guy ♪
129
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:37,102
♪ making me late
for my plane ♪
130
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,971
♪ late for my plane... ♪
131
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,940
♪
132
00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:44,142
George westerhall!
133
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,610
Okay, give it up
for george westerhall!
134
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:46,745
[applause]
135
00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:49,347
He also doesn't
fit in anywhere.
136
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,650
We're gonna continue
the show now.
137
00:05:51,652 --> 00:05:54,652
[applause]
138
00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:57,355
Please welcome
charles haycock!
139
00:05:57,357 --> 00:06:00,859
[applause]
140
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,894
♪
141
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:07,032
Charles: Ah...
[chuckles]
142
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,301
Right on, man.
143
00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:12,804
And I like a corduroy couch.
144
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,208
Man, sometimes I like
to wear corduroy pants,
145
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:19,611
And then I slide
in the grooves.
146
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:24,149
[laughter]
147
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:27,051
Mm, just feels so right,
you know?
148
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,787
[laughter]
149
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:31,223
But one time there's a girl,
she's sitting on the other side
150
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:35,827
Of the couch, and she said,
"hey, scooch over."
151
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:39,764
I'm like, "baby, you know
I can't go sideways."
152
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:43,702
[laughter]
153
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,037
Well, that's not where
these train tracks lead!
154
00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:49,441
[laughter]
155
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:54,179
But I also like a felt couch,
and I'm conflicted, though,
156
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:58,917
Because felt, its name
is what you did to it.
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00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:02,320
[laughter]
158
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:04,722
It doesn't feel okay.
159
00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:07,124
Felt is a victim material.
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00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:11,996
[laughter]
161
00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:15,600
And listen, it's 2019,
and I know that
162
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:19,004
Because I hear that
when I lose arguments.
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00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:22,541
Hey, man...
[laughter]
164
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,209
You guys get it?
165
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,845
[laughter]
166
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,147
'cause it's always like,
"hey, you can't do that, man.
167
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,949
"it's 2019."
and I'm like,
168
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,417
"dang, that is
what year it is."
169
00:07:33,419 --> 00:07:35,387
[laughter]
170
00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:36,755
Why does that work so well?
171
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:40,158
Have people been doing that
back in the day, you think?
172
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,160
Like, way back?
Some dude's like,
173
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,762
"come on, man,
it's 1601!"
174
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,597
[laughter]
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00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:49,166
"come on, it's 16--
you don't even have a slave yet?
176
00:07:49,168 --> 00:07:51,302
"it's 1601!"
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00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:54,438
"come on, it's...
You haven't heard of jesus?"
178
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,875
"it's 4!"
[laughter]
179
00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:00,778
"it's 4, man.
I mean, seriously."
180
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:05,350
[laughter]
181
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:09,453
Um, sometimes I like to
put magnets in my shoes,
182
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:13,457
So that when I walk north
it's very slightly easier.
183
00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:18,230
[laughter]
184
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:25,070
And I learned that I'm cool
because I live on the west side,
185
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:28,073
You know, and it's, like, you
can say, "hey, don't step to me.
186
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:31,409
"I'm from the west side."
or you can say, like, even,
187
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:33,411
"don't touch me, man,
I'm from the east side!"
188
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:35,647
Or even "north side."
189
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:40,552
But the only one that sucks is
like if you're from the middle.
190
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:43,955
[laughter]
191
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:46,724
How do you beef with people?
192
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:51,696
No gangster was ever like,
"hey, man, yo, I'm from...
193
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,765
"neither here nor there."
194
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,767
[laughter]
195
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,435
"can anybody relate?"
196
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,237
[laughter]
197
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,507
And then my teacher told me
also, we live in the west,
198
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,577
So like, I'm in the west,
I'm on the west side,
199
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:09,380
But then why is
there no west pole?
200
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,383
[laughter]
201
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:16,120
How can you live inside
and onside just that way?
202
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,656
[laughter]
203
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,991
That's what west is,
it's like that way,
204
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,593
And if you keep going
west long enough,
205
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:24,529
All a sudden they say
now you're in the east.
206
00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,031
[laughter]
207
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,934
That's china.
208
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:33,938
And if you keep going further,
now you're in the middle east,
209
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:37,008
But that's the end
of the east!
210
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:41,946
It goes west, east,
middle east, and then west!
211
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:45,951
[laughter]
212
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,756
I mean, I'm starting
to think maybe teachers
213
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,624
Don't know things.
214
00:09:53,626 --> 00:09:56,695
[laughter]
215
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:59,698
[applause]
216
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,570
You know, 'cause
as a kid, I always,
217
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:08,506
I looked up to teachers
and I was like,
218
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:11,376
"man, that guy knows things,"
you know?
219
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:15,246
But now I'm older and some
of my friends are teachers,
220
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,048
And I look at them like,
221
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:20,985
"man, that guy woke
up under a table."
222
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:25,924
[laughter]
223
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:28,192
"that guy knows
about mistakes."
224
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,028
[laughter]
225
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,663
"he's a history teacher,
226
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:34,199
"but he doesn't know
what happened last night."
227
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,234
[laughter]
228
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,269
Baby steps, man!
229
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,872
[applause]
230
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:44,175
That's all I'm saying.
231
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,544
Man, in elementary school,
I had this teacher,
232
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:50,081
And he taught me that
the earth is round.
233
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,150
[chuckles]
234
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,219
It sucks, 'cause you get
to middle school, they're like,
235
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:57,622
"you moron,
the earth is slightly oval."
236
00:10:57,624 --> 00:10:59,023
[laughter]
237
00:10:59,025 --> 00:11:00,324
You get to high school,
they're like,
238
00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:03,227
"you moron, the earth
is a 3d sphere."
239
00:11:03,229 --> 00:11:04,763
You get to college,
they're like,
240
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:07,766
"the earth was not, is...
241
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,367
"yet will not be."
242
00:11:10,369 --> 00:11:12,236
[laughter]
243
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:14,506
And then you get to a job,
and they're like,
244
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,775
"we don't give a shit."
245
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,377
[laughter]
246
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:23,048
[applause]
247
00:11:23,050 --> 00:11:25,583
"just stack boxes."
248
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,786
[laughter]
249
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:32,189
"whatever planet we on,
you're in the warehouse!"
250
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:33,925
[laughter]
251
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,194
"how about the earth
is a rhombus,
252
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,995
"and you get minimum wage?"
253
00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:40,632
[laughter]
254
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:47,072
But, man, I don't
like a leather couch.
255
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:50,274
[laughter]
256
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:53,277
'cause, like, every time-- you
ever sat on one when it's hot?
257
00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:57,348
It's, guess what, the leather
is way more, way more hot.
258
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,017
Or then when it's cold,
the leather just gets way more,
259
00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:02,087
Even way more colder,
260
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:05,824
Which leaves me to believe
being a cow is terrible.
261
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:08,760
[laughter]
262
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,633
It's just not fair, man,
'cause it's like,
263
00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:18,569
Sometimes I see a cow
in a sandwich,
264
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,206
And that's a weird
place to see...
265
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:23,441
[laughter]
266
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,576
'cause that's what happens
when you're a cow, man,
267
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,912
They really got
the short straw.
268
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:31,382
And because if you're a horse,
like, that's not what happens,
269
00:12:31,384 --> 00:12:35,653
And did you ever ask yourself
that difficult question?
270
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:38,322
Why can't we eat horses?
Why?
271
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,057
Just 'cause we sit on them
it's not cool,
272
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:41,926
But it's like,
we eat cows.
273
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,462
In fact, we eat
the inside of a cow,
274
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,330
And then we take
the outside of a cow
275
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:48,600
And we put it
on top of a horse,
276
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:52,937
And then we sit
on top of a cow...
277
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,206
On top of a horse!
278
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:58,576
[applause]
279
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,711
Thanks for having me, man.
Thank you so much!
280
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:01,679
See ya.
281
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:04,549
[applause]
282
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:07,585
♪
283
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,758
♪
284
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,094
Kevin: This performer's act
has all the ingredients
285
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,895
For perfect musical comedy.
286
00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:20,899
There's music,
and there's also comedy!
287
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,433
To me, that's perfect.
288
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:24,435
And I know once you see him,
you'll think so, too.
289
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,372
Please welcome
anesti danelis!
290
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:31,376
[applause]
291
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:34,445
♪
292
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,881
Anesti: Hello, winnipeg!
How are you doing tonight?
293
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:38,249
[audience cheering]
anetsi: We good?
294
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,450
Awesome!
295
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,519
So nice to be here,
so nice to meet all of you.
296
00:13:41,521 --> 00:13:43,988
Hi, I'm anesti danelis.
297
00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:47,057
And no matter where I go,
people always get my name wrong,
298
00:13:47,059 --> 00:13:49,460
Especially my last name, which
is the weirder of the two.
299
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,996
So I just tell them,
"say my first name
300
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,398
"and stop at the first
initial of my last name,"
301
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,200
Just to make things
easier, you know?
302
00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:59,737
Like anthony a,
or cardi b,
303
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:04,842
Or an-es-ti-d.
[laughter]
304
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:07,945
That's my name, "an std."
yeah.
305
00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:09,747
But they recently
changed it to sti.
306
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:11,248
That was a big day for me.
307
00:14:11,250 --> 00:14:13,785
Oh my god, it was
a life-changing day.
308
00:14:13,787 --> 00:14:15,453
I celebrate it
every single year now.
309
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:19,123
It's my new birthday,
there's cake.
310
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,893
So, friends, I realized the
other day that I've got haters.
311
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,494
Yup, I got haters.
312
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,695
Every day I live my life,
313
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:28,299
And I just watch the haters
pile up, like money.
314
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,302
And I just want to take a second
to address those haters,
315
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:34,171
Because I've got haters,
you've got haters,
316
00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:36,374
And we've got something
to say to those haters.
317
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,144
So, dj, dj, dj,
drop that beat!
318
00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:42,313
[music starts]
ooh, thank you so much!
319
00:14:42,315 --> 00:14:44,949
Ooh, what's up, haters?
320
00:14:44,951 --> 00:14:46,417
Remember me?
321
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,753
Remember all the bad
things you said about me?
322
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,022
Yeah, I bet you do.
323
00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:55,660
Remember when you said
I was a no one?
324
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:57,962
Remember when you said
I'd amount to nothing?
325
00:14:57,964 --> 00:15:01,198
Remember when you said
I do nothing with my life?
326
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,500
Well, guess what, haters?
327
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,069
I've got something
to say to all of you!
328
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:09,474
♪ so open up your ears,
listen up, because... ♪
329
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:11,475
♪ you were right! ♪
[music stops]
330
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:13,811
[laughter]
331
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:17,081
[applause]
332
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,621
Who's got a mom?
333
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,089
[audience cheering]
anetsi: Yeah?
334
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,958
Anyone here a mom?
335
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,627
Yeah, anyone here in love
with someone's mom?
336
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:32,029
Oh, no!
337
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:34,365
Actually, I was wondering,
just by a show of hands,
338
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,835
Who here has recently talked
to their mom on the phone?
339
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:39,737
Okay, a lot of good
boys and girls here.
340
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,839
Um, I saw, I think you
raised your hand up.
341
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,174
Do you talk to her regularly?
342
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,875
Woman: Every day.
What's your mom's name?
343
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:47,345
Woman: Norma.
Norma, okay, that's a nice name.
344
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,580
And would you say
you love your mom?
345
00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:51,582
Woman: Yes.
Great, 'cause she's right here!
346
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:54,785
No, I'm kidding.
[laughter]
347
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,521
Anyways, I'm just
gonna cut to the chase.
348
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,122
I've got some bad news,
it's about your mom,
349
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,723
So I'll tell you
through a song.
350
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:03,561
[playing guitar]
351
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:06,630
[playing guitar]
352
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,200
This song's about your mom.
353
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,536
♪ there's a problem afoot ♪
354
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:14,872
♪ something's gone
terribly wrong ♪
355
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,875
♪ everyone woke up
on mother's day ♪
356
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,477
♪ and all the moms were gone ♪
357
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,747
♪ the moms are missing ♪
358
00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:25,816
♪ kids were tucked in bed
by their moms... ♪
359
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:29,286
♪ moms went to bed
with their spouses... ♪
360
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:31,422
♪ biker moms went to bed
on their bikes ♪
361
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:34,124
♪ and that's the last time
they were seen ♪
362
00:16:34,126 --> 00:16:37,028
♪ that's because
the moms are missing ♪
363
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,362
♪ where did they go? ♪
364
00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:41,699
♪ the moms are missing,
nobody knows ♪
365
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:45,102
♪ and now every "yo mama"
joke is too soon... ♪
366
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:47,038
[laughter]
367
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:50,775
♪ because your
mama's so missing ♪
368
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:55,179
♪ there are abandoned
mini vans on the streets ♪
369
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,714
♪ walmart is emptier
than ever ♪
370
00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,516
♪ and the boo-boos
in the world, ♪
371
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:03,287
♪ ouch, they friggin' hurt ♪
372
00:17:03,289 --> 00:17:07,591
♪ since the mothers left,
the world's less warmer ♪
373
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:11,162
♪ and amish families lost
one of their butter-churners ♪
374
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:14,198
♪ since the mothers left,
the world stopped thriving ♪
375
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,268
♪ and now no one's really mad
about drunk driving ♪
376
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:20,471
♪ the moms are missing ♪
377
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:23,641
♪ the moms are missing... ♪
378
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:27,077
♪ and now the meaning of milf
has been changed ♪
379
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:29,213
♪ to "mothers
I'd love to find" ♪
380
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,616
[laughter]
381
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,552
♪ you might be missing,
but we'll always have ♪
382
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:37,754
♪ good memories to keep
the hope the alive ♪
383
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:41,692
♪ we'll remember the good times,
remember the good times ♪
384
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,996
♪ remember the good times... ♪
385
00:17:44,998 --> 00:17:49,967
Can you guys remember
the good times with your moms?
386
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:54,771
♪ who was there for me through
my weird middle school phase ♪
387
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:58,342
♪ as an unlicensed doctor? ♪
[laughter]
388
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:00,178
♪ my mama was there ♪
389
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:02,113
♪ everyone said I had
to graduate high school ♪
390
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:05,049
♪ to become a doctor,
but not you ♪
391
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:07,351
♪ so much support ♪
392
00:18:07,353 --> 00:18:11,122
♪ who was there for me
in the middle of the night ♪
393
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:15,192
♪ when I couldn't get into
the house I was trying to rob? ♪
394
00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:16,627
[laughter]
395
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,563
♪ my mama was there ♪
396
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:22,099
♪ it was you,
it was you ♪
397
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,336
♪ it was you with
a lock-pick, lock-pick ♪
398
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:29,140
♪ everyone is bummed out
that you're all missing ♪
399
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:33,077
♪ so, please moms,
if you're listening ♪
400
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:37,348
♪ let us know you're okay,
send us an email ♪
401
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:42,353
♪ but just make sure you don't
send the entire message ♪
402
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:46,057
♪ in the subject line ♪
403
00:18:46,059 --> 00:18:48,325
[laughter]
404
00:18:48,327 --> 00:18:49,827
[applause]
405
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,162
Thank you.
I'm anesti.
406
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:52,630
Goodnight, guys!
407
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,967
[applause]
408
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:59,637
♪
409
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:05,576
Hank you very much.
[applause]
410
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,511
Thank you.
411
00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,914
This performer really breaks
the mode of what you think
412
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:11,649
Of as a typical
jewish comedian,
413
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:15,185
In that she's not jewish.
414
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:17,788
Please welcome
yumi nagashima!
415
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:21,792
[applause]
416
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:24,762
♪
417
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:27,798
[applause]
418
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,868
Yumi: Hey, hey, hey!
419
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,337
Hi, lovely people
in winnipeg.
420
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:35,739
A little bit introduction
about myself.
421
00:19:35,741 --> 00:19:37,675
My name is yumi.
422
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,411
Like "you and me."
423
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:41,479
Audience member: Aw!
424
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,482
Yumi: Aw...
425
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:47,151
And my soulmate is cardi b.
426
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:48,953
[laughter]
427
00:19:48,955 --> 00:19:52,423
And my soul food is rice,
miso soup,
428
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:55,693
And sweet, sweet,
sweet marijuana.
429
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:59,597
[laughter]
430
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:03,534
Nice to meet you.
431
00:20:05,437 --> 00:20:08,839
My dad is a really
old-school japanese man.
432
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:12,343
He likes to be the man
of the house, you know?
433
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:15,313
And last time when
I visited my parents,
434
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:19,250
I brought a fancy
okanagan wine as a souvenir.
435
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:21,918
And my mom was like,
436
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,589
"ah, let's use our
special wine glasses
437
00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:28,125
"for a special wine."
438
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,594
But then she dropped
one of the glasses,
439
00:20:30,596 --> 00:20:33,864
And there are broken
glasses on the floor,
440
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:38,702
And my dad came in,
and said,
441
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:43,474
[low voice]
"everyone, do not move."
442
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:48,111
[laughter]
443
00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,948
"let me take care of it."
444
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:52,750
[laughter]
445
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:57,021
And he took, like,
three steps and went,
446
00:20:57,023 --> 00:21:00,324
"hmm!
447
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,763
"I think I stepped on
the glass."
448
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:09,166
[laughter]
449
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:12,870
"yumi, can you get me
rubbing alcohol?"
450
00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:15,373
And he lifted up his foot,
451
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:18,308
And it was a tiny piece
of rice cracker.
452
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,510
[laughter]
453
00:21:20,512 --> 00:21:24,248
Aw, I love my dad.
454
00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:27,984
His name is azreal,
the man of the house
455
00:21:27,986 --> 00:21:31,722
With the pain tolerance
of italian soccer player.
456
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:35,126
[laughter]
457
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:39,130
[applause]
458
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:42,266
I get really jealous
of white comics
459
00:21:42,268 --> 00:21:46,470
Who can do jokes about
celebrity comparison.
460
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,739
Like, "hey,
461
00:21:48,741 --> 00:21:52,076
"don't I look like
jack black but fatter?"
462
00:21:52,078 --> 00:21:55,879
[laughter]
463
00:21:55,881 --> 00:21:58,215
[laughter]
464
00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:00,885
"hey, don't I look like
steve buscemi
465
00:22:00,887 --> 00:22:03,421
"had a love child
with steve buscemi?"
466
00:22:03,423 --> 00:22:06,023
[laughter]
467
00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:08,892
Because we have only
four asian celebrities
468
00:22:08,894 --> 00:22:12,296
Who are famous enough
to do comparison jokes.
469
00:22:12,298 --> 00:22:16,032
Bruce lee, jackie chan,
lucy liu, and godzilla.
470
00:22:16,034 --> 00:22:20,037
[laughter]
471
00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:24,074
And they all
look related to me.
472
00:22:24,076 --> 00:22:26,543
I have this,
what do you call it,
473
00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:31,382
Non-threatening
sweet japanese lady face.
474
00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:33,517
And then when
I get on the bus,
475
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:37,254
People tend to sit next to me
because they just assume
476
00:22:37,256 --> 00:22:40,791
Japanese people are small
and have good hygiene.
477
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,794
[laughter]
478
00:22:43,796 --> 00:22:46,997
So I decided to wear
a gigantic mask
479
00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:49,733
To make people think
I have sars.
480
00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:52,536
[laughter]
481
00:22:55,474 --> 00:22:58,475
Oh, this is why asian
people wear masks.
482
00:22:58,477 --> 00:23:01,912
[laughter]
483
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:05,949
We are not sick.
484
00:23:05,951 --> 00:23:07,818
[laughter]
485
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:09,286
We are sick of you.
486
00:23:09,288 --> 00:23:11,956
[laughter]
487
00:23:11,958 --> 00:23:15,593
[applause]
488
00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:22,566
Sometimes I notice white
people confuse me with
489
00:23:22,568 --> 00:23:25,368
Other asian women,
and my friends say,
490
00:23:25,370 --> 00:23:27,538
"that's racist."
491
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:30,574
But I don't think so,
because face recognition skill
492
00:23:30,576 --> 00:23:32,509
Has nothing to do with racism,
493
00:23:32,511 --> 00:23:35,579
It's racial familiarity.
494
00:23:35,581 --> 00:23:39,116
I have trouble distinguishing
white people too.
495
00:23:39,118 --> 00:23:41,318
[laughter]
496
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:44,455
This is why I still can't
tell the difference between
497
00:23:44,457 --> 00:23:47,191
Zooey deschanel
and katy perry...
498
00:23:47,193 --> 00:23:49,360
[laughter]
499
00:23:49,362 --> 00:23:52,062
Julia roberts
and steven tyler..
500
00:23:52,064 --> 00:23:54,898
[laughter]
501
00:23:54,900 --> 00:23:58,469
And matthew mcconaughey
and a brown leather recliner.
502
00:23:58,471 --> 00:24:01,237
[laughter]
503
00:24:01,239 --> 00:24:04,407
Thank you so much!
I love you, winnipeg!
504
00:24:04,409 --> 00:24:08,579
[applause]
505
00:24:08,581 --> 00:24:12,783
♪
506
00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:15,752
Kevin: This performer reminds
me a lot of james bond.
507
00:24:15,754 --> 00:24:17,354
He has a licence to kill,
508
00:24:17,356 --> 00:24:19,957
And he is based
on a real person.
509
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:23,761
Please welcome the very funny
nick nemeroff!
510
00:24:23,763 --> 00:24:28,165
[applause]
511
00:24:28,167 --> 00:24:32,435
♪
512
00:24:32,437 --> 00:24:36,640
[applause]
513
00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:40,176
Nick: I want this show
to be special for all of you,
514
00:24:40,178 --> 00:24:43,447
So I've been reading
how to do comedy online...
515
00:24:43,449 --> 00:24:46,050
[laughter]
516
00:24:46,052 --> 00:24:49,420
And they said it's very
important to talk about
517
00:24:49,422 --> 00:24:52,423
What you look like.
518
00:24:52,425 --> 00:24:55,826
I know that some of you guys are
thinking even though it says
519
00:24:55,828 --> 00:25:00,564
My name is nick nemeroff,
in this shirt and these pants,
520
00:25:00,566 --> 00:25:04,301
I kind of look
like a mix between
521
00:25:04,303 --> 00:25:06,537
Howard and joanne nemeroff.
522
00:25:06,539 --> 00:25:09,406
[laughter]
523
00:25:12,278 --> 00:25:14,744
Okay, I got a few ho-jo
fans here, very cool.
524
00:25:14,746 --> 00:25:16,413
[laughter]
525
00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:17,748
Very cool.
526
00:25:17,750 --> 00:25:20,484
I feel very lucky to be raised
by the parents that I had.
527
00:25:20,486 --> 00:25:23,486
You know, they're
the reason I'm such a...
528
00:25:23,488 --> 00:25:24,955
Cool guy.
529
00:25:24,957 --> 00:25:27,224
[laughter]
530
00:25:27,226 --> 00:25:31,828
Now that I've sort of moved
around and met different people,
531
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:34,098
I realize not everybody
is as fortunate.
532
00:25:34,100 --> 00:25:38,235
Some people have parents
that are sort of outwardly...
533
00:25:38,237 --> 00:25:41,104
Homophobic, or racist,
unfortunately,
534
00:25:41,106 --> 00:25:43,641
And my parents are just
535
00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:45,308
The complete opposite of that,
you know?
536
00:25:45,310 --> 00:25:48,245
Just two gay black dudes.
537
00:25:48,247 --> 00:25:51,081
[laughter]
538
00:25:53,586 --> 00:25:55,652
Named howard and joanne.
539
00:25:55,654 --> 00:25:59,857
[laughter]
540
00:25:59,859 --> 00:26:02,859
I get kind of nervous
saying that joke,
541
00:26:02,861 --> 00:26:06,797
Because of the words in it.
542
00:26:06,799 --> 00:26:10,067
[laughter]
543
00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:11,335
Some people don't
think it's cool
544
00:26:11,337 --> 00:26:13,137
That I say some
of those words,
545
00:26:13,139 --> 00:26:15,405
But I actually think
546
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,809
It is cool for me
to say whatever I want...
547
00:26:20,879 --> 00:26:24,014
Not just because
I'm an alpha...
548
00:26:24,016 --> 00:26:28,518
[laughter]
549
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:32,089
But I actually consider
myself to be a...
550
00:26:32,091 --> 00:26:33,891
White guy with dreads.
551
00:26:33,893 --> 00:26:36,693
[laughter]
552
00:26:36,695 --> 00:26:41,698
Like, for example, I dread
the past, the present...
553
00:26:41,700 --> 00:26:44,101
[laughter]
554
00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:47,271
[applause]
555
00:26:51,009 --> 00:26:54,811
I was actually
raised to be jewish.
556
00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:59,783
It's pretty cool.
It means I am a chosen one...
557
00:26:59,785 --> 00:27:01,718
According to hitler.
558
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,521
[laughter]
559
00:27:04,523 --> 00:27:07,924
Mm-hm.
560
00:27:07,926 --> 00:27:10,661
He was very specific
about that.
561
00:27:10,663 --> 00:27:13,997
[laughter]
562
00:27:13,999 --> 00:27:17,067
I was raised
to be a reformed jew,
563
00:27:17,069 --> 00:27:21,205
Which is a pretty modern sect;
it's pretty progressive.
564
00:27:21,207 --> 00:27:24,674
My grandfather, you know,
he's a little bit older than me.
565
00:27:24,676 --> 00:27:27,310
Um...
[laughter]
566
00:27:27,312 --> 00:27:29,879
He's a little more traditional,
567
00:27:29,881 --> 00:27:34,485
And so for the past 15 years
he has insisted on being
568
00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:36,419
An orthotics jew.
569
00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:39,156
[laughter]
570
00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:44,762
Yeah, he...
571
00:27:44,764 --> 00:27:47,097
He just says he feels more
comfortable that way, so...
572
00:27:47,099 --> 00:27:49,967
[laughter]
573
00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:53,603
[applause]
574
00:27:53,605 --> 00:27:57,641
I actually did get some
exciting news recently.
575
00:27:57,643 --> 00:27:59,610
Mmm...
576
00:27:59,612 --> 00:28:01,211
Okay, I'll tell you.
577
00:28:01,213 --> 00:28:03,046
[laughter]
578
00:28:03,048 --> 00:28:06,382
You guys got it out of me.
I...
579
00:28:06,384 --> 00:28:08,318
I just got engaged.
580
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,153
[cheering and applause]
581
00:28:10,155 --> 00:28:14,924
Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
582
00:28:14,926 --> 00:28:17,728
I've seen people do that.
583
00:28:17,730 --> 00:28:20,397
I'm excited, I got engaged,
I'm marrying my best friend,
584
00:28:20,399 --> 00:28:23,666
Which is pretty cool,
and I'm gonna do something
585
00:28:23,668 --> 00:28:27,471
That not a lot of guys do,
even in 2019...
586
00:28:27,473 --> 00:28:30,207
I'm gonna take her name.
587
00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:32,276
Mm-hm.
[applause]
588
00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:35,011
Thanks.
Yeah, I just think...
589
00:28:35,013 --> 00:28:38,215
Yeah, I just think it's like
the progressive thing to do,
590
00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:40,216
The right thing to do.
591
00:28:40,218 --> 00:28:42,018
You know, she told me to.
592
00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:46,689
[laughter]
593
00:28:46,691 --> 00:28:49,326
And I realize, you know,
I work so hard to get
594
00:28:49,328 --> 00:28:53,030
My name in comedy and, you know,
it's here, it's up in lights,
595
00:28:53,032 --> 00:28:55,699
And if you guys see me again
in like a year's time,
596
00:28:55,701 --> 00:28:57,034
I'll just get ahead of it now,
you know,
597
00:28:57,036 --> 00:29:00,037
I won't be known as
nick nemeroff; I'll...
598
00:29:00,039 --> 00:29:02,506
I'll be known as...
Elizabeth nemeroff.
599
00:29:02,508 --> 00:29:06,110
[laughter]
600
00:29:06,112 --> 00:29:10,180
[applause]
601
00:29:10,182 --> 00:29:12,782
[laughter]
602
00:29:12,784 --> 00:29:17,054
Before I leave tonight, I just
want you guys to know that
603
00:29:17,056 --> 00:29:21,091
I'm really...
I'm really smart.
604
00:29:21,093 --> 00:29:22,559
I'll prove it to you.
I can either take
605
00:29:22,561 --> 00:29:25,095
Any two numbers you guys
yell out and multiply them,
606
00:29:25,097 --> 00:29:27,731
Or take any sentence
607
00:29:27,733 --> 00:29:29,465
And translate it
perfectly into chinese.
608
00:29:29,467 --> 00:29:31,868
You guys want to see
the multiplication,
609
00:29:31,870 --> 00:29:34,337
Or the translation?
Audience member: Translation.
610
00:29:34,339 --> 00:29:35,873
Nick: Cool, I'll do both.
611
00:29:35,875 --> 00:29:37,807
[laughter]
612
00:29:37,809 --> 00:29:40,210
Can somebody yell out
two numbers right now,
613
00:29:40,212 --> 00:29:41,278
And I'll multiply them?
614
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:42,779
Audience member: 9 and 12.
615
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:45,148
Nick: No, like, hard ones.
616
00:29:45,150 --> 00:29:46,683
Decimals.
Audience member: 37, 18.
617
00:29:46,685 --> 00:29:48,752
Nick: Say it again?
Audience member: 37, 18.
618
00:29:48,754 --> 00:29:50,220
Nick: 37, 18, okay.
619
00:29:50,222 --> 00:29:53,156
[laughter]
620
00:29:53,158 --> 00:29:55,758
[applause]
621
00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:57,427
That was such a crazy number.
622
00:29:57,429 --> 00:30:00,563
[laughter]
623
00:30:00,565 --> 00:30:02,966
Now for the translation.
624
00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:05,101
Can somebody yell out
a sentence right now,
625
00:30:05,103 --> 00:30:07,037
And I'll translate it
perfectly into chinese?
626
00:30:07,039 --> 00:30:08,905
Audience: "I have to
go to the bathroom."
627
00:30:08,907 --> 00:30:10,040
Nick: Okay, cool.
628
00:30:10,042 --> 00:30:11,908
I think I heard "I want to party
like it's 1999."
629
00:30:11,910 --> 00:30:15,779
[laughter]
630
00:30:15,781 --> 00:30:19,315
In chinese, it would be...
631
00:30:19,317 --> 00:30:21,251
I want to party
like it's 1999...
632
00:30:21,253 --> 00:30:24,788
Oh, okay,
I got it, I got it.
633
00:30:24,790 --> 00:30:27,056
"I want to party like
it's the year of the rabbit."
634
00:30:27,058 --> 00:30:30,627
[laughter]
635
00:30:30,629 --> 00:30:32,295
Thank you, guys.
Have good lives.
636
00:30:32,297 --> 00:30:36,834
[applause]
637
00:30:41,273 --> 00:30:44,674
[applause]
thank you, guys.
Have good lives.
638
00:30:44,676 --> 00:30:47,810
Kevin: Originally from europe,
had this performer arrived here
639
00:30:47,812 --> 00:30:50,747
100 years ago, not only
would she be on the show,
640
00:30:50,749 --> 00:30:53,683
She'd also be given
100 acres of land.
641
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,886
Other than that, you'll
find her timing is perfect!
642
00:30:55,888 --> 00:30:58,821
Please welcome
ana-marija stojic!
643
00:30:58,823 --> 00:31:02,025
[applause]
644
00:31:02,027 --> 00:31:05,295
♪
645
00:31:05,297 --> 00:31:08,165
[applause]
646
00:31:08,167 --> 00:31:11,167
Ana-marija: I'm so happy
to be here.
647
00:31:11,169 --> 00:31:13,570
I look like a hipster
anne frank.
648
00:31:13,572 --> 00:31:17,240
[laughter]
649
00:31:17,242 --> 00:31:19,575
I was born in a country
that doesn't exist anymore.
650
00:31:19,577 --> 00:31:21,244
It was called yugoslavia.
651
00:31:21,246 --> 00:31:23,246
It was discontinued.
652
00:31:23,248 --> 00:31:25,949
[laughter]
653
00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:27,984
And because of that,
I have a serbian dad.
654
00:31:27,986 --> 00:31:30,254
And if you don't know a thing
or two about serbian dads,
655
00:31:30,256 --> 00:31:32,856
They don't know
how to do laundry,
656
00:31:32,858 --> 00:31:36,993
But they sure do know how
to make a mean remark to you
657
00:31:36,995 --> 00:31:38,795
On your way out the door.
658
00:31:38,797 --> 00:31:40,797
[laughter]
659
00:31:40,799 --> 00:31:42,866
I used to be on welfare.
660
00:31:42,868 --> 00:31:45,068
I got hit on at
the welfare office once.
661
00:31:45,070 --> 00:31:46,436
That felt good.
662
00:31:46,438 --> 00:31:49,473
Made me feel like
750 bucks.
663
00:31:49,475 --> 00:31:51,708
[laughter]
664
00:31:51,710 --> 00:31:54,744
Just a reminder, if you
like what you see tonight,
665
00:31:54,746 --> 00:31:57,547
You can always follow
me out after the show.
666
00:31:57,549 --> 00:32:00,784
[laughter]
667
00:32:00,786 --> 00:32:03,954
I am a queer lady, and I
came out to my grandmother,
668
00:32:03,956 --> 00:32:07,157
But I had to figure out how to
say it in her language first.
669
00:32:07,159 --> 00:32:11,094
Turns out the direct translation
of the word "queer" in croatian
670
00:32:11,096 --> 00:32:14,630
Is "shamed woman
who left small town."
671
00:32:14,632 --> 00:32:17,500
That's the direct translation.
672
00:32:17,502 --> 00:32:20,570
I am bisexual, and as someone
who's into both men and women,
673
00:32:20,572 --> 00:32:22,773
A question you get asked
very often is,
674
00:32:22,775 --> 00:32:24,908
"well, which gender
do you prefer?"
675
00:32:24,910 --> 00:32:27,510
And honestly, I don't have
an answer to that question.
676
00:32:27,512 --> 00:32:30,714
I know, though, that even
if I kissed every single man
677
00:32:30,716 --> 00:32:34,051
In the world and every
single woman in the world,
678
00:32:34,053 --> 00:32:37,120
I would still want to sleep
in a queen size bed alone.
679
00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:40,356
[laughter]
680
00:32:40,358 --> 00:32:43,093
One thing I have noticed
is that guys will often
681
00:32:43,095 --> 00:32:45,395
Tell you what they want
you to do during sex,
682
00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:47,597
But not how they
want you to do it.
683
00:32:47,599 --> 00:32:50,000
A guy once asked me
to call him daddy,
684
00:32:50,002 --> 00:32:53,669
So I kind of just went out
on a limb and I said...
685
00:32:53,671 --> 00:32:57,540
[posh english accent]
"daddy...
686
00:32:57,542 --> 00:33:02,312
"do you like it when I talk like
the queen of England, daddy?"
687
00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:05,282
He was like, "please, stop."
[laughter]
688
00:33:05,284 --> 00:33:08,618
I was like, "you can't escape
colonialism, daddy."
689
00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:12,822
[laughter]
690
00:33:12,824 --> 00:33:14,324
Um...
691
00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:17,427
Make some noise if you
have a significant other.
692
00:33:17,429 --> 00:33:19,629
[applause]
693
00:33:19,631 --> 00:33:22,165
Nice, okay.
694
00:33:22,167 --> 00:33:25,568
This next question is anonymous,
so everybody close your eyes,
695
00:33:25,570 --> 00:33:27,503
Just close your eyes,
close your eyes.
696
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:30,506
Make some noise if you have
multiple significant others.
697
00:33:30,508 --> 00:33:33,076
[laughter]
698
00:33:33,078 --> 00:33:35,912
When I found out about
open relationships,
699
00:33:35,914 --> 00:33:38,381
That you could date multiple
people at once, I was like,
700
00:33:38,383 --> 00:33:41,918
"why isn't everybody
doing this, you know?"
701
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,719
[playing ukelele]
702
00:33:43,721 --> 00:33:46,322
♪ this is a song ♪
703
00:33:46,324 --> 00:33:49,592
♪ for my baby out there... ♪
704
00:33:49,594 --> 00:33:52,796
♪ my one and only baby... ♪
705
00:33:52,798 --> 00:33:55,698
♪ among several other babies ♪
706
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:58,134
♪ our eyes met
across the room ♪
707
00:33:58,136 --> 00:34:01,538
♪ and when I say our eyes ♪
708
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,407
♪ I mean you and me ♪
709
00:34:03,409 --> 00:34:08,344
♪ and paul and sally's eyes ♪
710
00:34:08,346 --> 00:34:12,082
♪ it's called polyamory ♪
711
00:34:12,084 --> 00:34:15,519
♪ the best drug in the city ♪
712
00:34:15,521 --> 00:34:17,754
♪ cheating's
a thing of the past ♪
713
00:34:17,756 --> 00:34:21,892
♪ now it's just called
"ethical cheating" ♪
714
00:34:21,894 --> 00:34:24,961
♪ oh, we even
have enough people ♪
715
00:34:24,963 --> 00:34:27,030
♪ for our own escape room ♪
716
00:34:27,032 --> 00:34:28,965
[laughter]
717
00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:31,434
♪ escape room,
escape room ♪
718
00:34:31,436 --> 00:34:36,005
♪ escape room of love ♪
719
00:34:36,007 --> 00:34:39,041
♪ oh, baby,
I love you so much ♪
720
00:34:39,043 --> 00:34:40,510
♪ I want to take you
out to dinner ♪
721
00:34:40,512 --> 00:34:43,246
♪ we can play footsies
under the table ♪
722
00:34:43,248 --> 00:34:46,850
♪ you know,
just the seven of us ♪
723
00:34:46,852 --> 00:34:48,918
♪
724
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:53,256
♪ we never have to calculate
the tip manually ♪
725
00:34:53,258 --> 00:34:55,225
♪
726
00:34:55,227 --> 00:34:57,394
♪ because of the size
of our group ♪
727
00:34:57,396 --> 00:35:02,265
♪ we're always charged
automatic gratuity, oh... ♪
728
00:35:02,267 --> 00:35:06,937
♪ hey, could we get
this pizza gluten-free? ♪
729
00:35:06,939 --> 00:35:10,940
♪ I know I'm the only one
in the group ♪
730
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:14,744
♪ with a gluten allergy ♪
731
00:35:14,746 --> 00:35:16,646
♪
732
00:35:16,648 --> 00:35:20,816
♪ oh, no... ♪
733
00:35:20,818 --> 00:35:23,419
♪ why is everybody ♪
734
00:35:23,421 --> 00:35:28,325
♪ why is everybody crying? ♪
735
00:35:28,327 --> 00:35:31,761
♪ oh, six breakups
in one night... ♪
736
00:35:31,763 --> 00:35:35,365
♪ six breakups
in one night... ♪
737
00:35:35,367 --> 00:35:38,368
♪ is this because I
constantly yell out names ♪
738
00:35:38,370 --> 00:35:41,971
♪ that aren't any
of yours in bed? ♪
739
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:44,841
♪ oh, six breakups
in one night... ♪
740
00:35:44,843 --> 00:35:48,978
♪ six breakups
in one night... ♪
741
00:35:48,980 --> 00:35:51,181
♪ I should have borrowed
all that money ♪
742
00:35:51,183 --> 00:35:54,985
♪ from each and every one
of your parents... ♪
743
00:35:54,987 --> 00:35:58,054
♪ so please,
don't leave me... ♪
744
00:35:58,056 --> 00:36:01,324
♪ please don't leave me ♪
745
00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:04,794
♪ please don't leave me... ♪
746
00:36:04,796 --> 00:36:06,663
♪ with the cheque ♪
747
00:36:06,665 --> 00:36:08,531
[laughter]
[applause]
748
00:36:08,533 --> 00:36:10,533
Thanks so much.
I'm ana-marija stojic.
749
00:36:10,535 --> 00:36:12,068
You've been so great.
750
00:36:12,070 --> 00:36:16,640
[applause]
751
00:36:21,412 --> 00:36:23,580
[applause]
752
00:36:23,582 --> 00:36:25,448
Kevin: Thank you.
753
00:36:25,450 --> 00:36:28,551
Born a baby
to loving parents,
754
00:36:28,553 --> 00:36:30,820
This performer has
overcome those obstacles
755
00:36:30,822 --> 00:36:33,290
To become a hilarious comedian
you're about to see!
756
00:36:33,292 --> 00:36:36,626
Please welcome the deeply funny
todd graham!
757
00:36:36,628 --> 00:36:40,630
[applause]
758
00:36:40,632 --> 00:36:44,167
♪
759
00:36:44,169 --> 00:36:47,170
[applause]
760
00:36:52,978 --> 00:36:54,710
Todd: Thanks.
761
00:36:54,712 --> 00:36:57,113
[laughter]
762
00:36:57,115 --> 00:36:58,982
So, uh...
763
00:36:58,984 --> 00:37:01,984
So, guys,
764
00:37:01,986 --> 00:37:04,721
Let's keep that energy going.
765
00:37:04,723 --> 00:37:07,824
[laughter]
766
00:37:07,826 --> 00:37:11,594
That's what I'm talking about.
767
00:37:11,596 --> 00:37:14,731
So, I wore a special outfit
768
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,933
For the show tonight.
769
00:37:16,935 --> 00:37:19,269
Thank you.
770
00:37:19,271 --> 00:37:23,539
This is a little number
that I threw together,
771
00:37:23,541 --> 00:37:25,141
That I like to call
772
00:37:25,143 --> 00:37:28,078
Soviet-era
carnival ride operator.
773
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,614
[laughter]
774
00:37:33,952 --> 00:37:36,218
You guys ever...
You ever go...
775
00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:37,921
You ever see,
on the highway,
776
00:37:37,923 --> 00:37:41,824
Ever see four motorcycles
all together as a group,
777
00:37:41,826 --> 00:37:43,626
On the highway,
travelling together?
778
00:37:43,628 --> 00:37:45,695
You ever see that, four of them?
Audience member: Yeah.
779
00:37:45,697 --> 00:37:48,698
Todd: On the highway,
all together?
780
00:37:48,700 --> 00:37:50,500
[laughter]
781
00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:51,635
They could have...
782
00:37:51,637 --> 00:37:54,837
They could have totally
gone in on a car together.
783
00:37:54,839 --> 00:37:58,208
[laughter]
784
00:37:59,911 --> 00:38:01,844
What's wrong with people?
785
00:38:01,846 --> 00:38:04,114
[laughter]
786
00:38:04,116 --> 00:38:07,183
Look, I've never
walked a mile
787
00:38:07,185 --> 00:38:09,719
In another person's shoes,
788
00:38:09,721 --> 00:38:12,655
But I have been
bowling quite a bit.
789
00:38:12,657 --> 00:38:17,026
[laughter]
790
00:38:17,028 --> 00:38:18,661
That's gotta add up.
791
00:38:18,663 --> 00:38:21,097
[laughter]
792
00:38:23,869 --> 00:38:28,471
So, my wife has been building
quite a reputation
793
00:38:28,473 --> 00:38:30,874
As the office slut...
794
00:38:30,876 --> 00:38:35,345
[laughter]
795
00:38:35,347 --> 00:38:38,214
...Since we both have been
796
00:38:38,216 --> 00:38:39,749
Working from home.
797
00:38:39,751 --> 00:38:43,620
[laughter]
798
00:38:43,622 --> 00:38:47,824
[applause]
799
00:38:47,826 --> 00:38:49,025
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
800
00:38:49,027 --> 00:38:52,762
It works out pretty
good for me, yeah.
801
00:38:52,764 --> 00:38:55,631
Well, especially considering
802
00:38:55,633 --> 00:38:58,802
I have kind of
an unusual fetish.
803
00:38:58,804 --> 00:39:02,238
Some people even think
it's a little bit disturbing,
804
00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:06,576
But I find women my own
age attractive, yeah.
805
00:39:06,578 --> 00:39:09,379
[laughter]
806
00:39:09,381 --> 00:39:12,047
No, I know it's weird.
807
00:39:12,049 --> 00:39:14,917
They don't even really
make pornography for that.
808
00:39:14,919 --> 00:39:18,822
[laughter]
809
00:39:18,824 --> 00:39:20,857
And I have searched.
810
00:39:20,859 --> 00:39:24,994
[laughter]
811
00:39:24,996 --> 00:39:28,665
Well, we have two kids.
812
00:39:28,667 --> 00:39:31,701
My wife and I,
we have two kids.
813
00:39:31,703 --> 00:39:33,736
They are mixed race.
814
00:39:33,738 --> 00:39:36,272
My children are mixed race.
815
00:39:36,274 --> 00:39:39,809
I don't really have
a joke about that.
816
00:39:39,811 --> 00:39:43,012
I just hoped that maybe
it would endear me to you.
817
00:39:43,014 --> 00:39:45,482
[laughter]
818
00:39:45,484 --> 00:39:48,818
But also, at the same time,
they are narcissists.
819
00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:51,154
My kids are narcissists,
820
00:39:51,156 --> 00:39:55,158
And I really just don't like
how that reflects on me.
821
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,762
[laughter]
822
00:40:00,966 --> 00:40:03,566
I'm trying to get my wife
used to the idea
823
00:40:03,568 --> 00:40:07,570
Of me carrying
a rifle to bed,
824
00:40:07,572 --> 00:40:10,239
Because I think that's
really gonna be the only way
825
00:40:10,241 --> 00:40:13,709
That my sleep apnea mask
won't look so weird.
826
00:40:13,711 --> 00:40:16,980
[laughter]
827
00:40:24,856 --> 00:40:28,625
Well, um, I found
some jokes on the bus.
828
00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:32,127
I should ask first.
829
00:40:32,129 --> 00:40:34,330
Nobody lost any jokes
on the bus, did they?
830
00:40:34,332 --> 00:40:36,665
[laughter]
831
00:40:36,667 --> 00:40:38,734
Not going through that again.
832
00:40:38,736 --> 00:40:41,471
[laughter]
833
00:40:41,473 --> 00:40:45,475
Well, my parents
couldn't be here tonight.
834
00:40:45,477 --> 00:40:49,212
They died several years ago.
835
00:40:49,214 --> 00:40:52,615
Also, they were never very
keen on driving at night.
836
00:40:52,617 --> 00:40:54,550
[laughter]
837
00:40:54,552 --> 00:40:57,754
Mostly, though, not alive.
838
00:40:57,756 --> 00:41:00,422
[laughter]
839
00:41:00,424 --> 00:41:04,226
But at least now I can
stay out as late as I want.
840
00:41:04,228 --> 00:41:06,696
[laughter]
841
00:41:06,698 --> 00:41:09,732
That's great.
842
00:41:09,734 --> 00:41:14,637
Well, I made kind of a shocking
discovery this morning.
843
00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:17,240
I found my first grey hair.
844
00:41:17,242 --> 00:41:19,642
[laughter]
845
00:41:19,644 --> 00:41:22,445
It's kind of difficult
to see 'cause it
846
00:41:22,447 --> 00:41:24,914
Blends in with
the white ones so well.
847
00:41:24,916 --> 00:41:28,184
[laughter]
848
00:41:28,186 --> 00:41:30,886
One time I said that joke
and lady yelled out,
849
00:41:30,888 --> 00:41:35,458
She said, "my husband says that
those hairs are just blonde!"
850
00:41:35,460 --> 00:41:39,062
So I said to her, I said,
851
00:41:39,064 --> 00:41:40,930
"please be quiet."
852
00:41:40,932 --> 00:41:44,267
[laughter]
853
00:41:44,269 --> 00:41:46,936
"I'm, uh...
I'm trying to do a show."
854
00:41:46,938 --> 00:41:51,407
[laughter]
855
00:41:51,409 --> 00:41:53,543
Anybody here from quebec?
856
00:41:53,545 --> 00:41:56,312
Any quebeckers here tonight?
857
00:41:56,314 --> 00:41:57,413
No?
858
00:41:57,415 --> 00:42:00,749
I have a friend from
quebec, thank you.
859
00:42:00,751 --> 00:42:03,085
[laughter]
you know.
860
00:42:03,087 --> 00:42:06,221
But my friend, my friend from
quebec is always criticizing
861
00:42:06,223 --> 00:42:07,690
How I pronounce "poutine."
862
00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:10,159
They don't like how
I pronounce "poutine."
863
00:42:10,161 --> 00:42:12,428
So I don't even try anymore.
864
00:42:12,430 --> 00:42:15,298
I just call it
by its original name,
865
00:42:15,300 --> 00:42:18,034
Which is "whore salad."
866
00:42:18,036 --> 00:42:20,903
[laughter]
867
00:42:20,905 --> 00:42:23,439
Whore salad.
868
00:42:23,441 --> 00:42:25,841
I don't know whether
you know this or not,
869
00:42:25,843 --> 00:42:29,845
But "whore" in french
is "poutain."
870
00:42:29,847 --> 00:42:32,915
[laughter]
871
00:42:32,917 --> 00:42:36,452
So that's actually
pretty clever.
872
00:42:36,454 --> 00:42:40,423
[laughter]
873
00:42:47,065 --> 00:42:48,797
I'm just gonna go.
874
00:42:48,799 --> 00:42:52,101
[laughter]
875
00:42:52,103 --> 00:42:56,472
[applause]
876
00:43:00,845 --> 00:43:02,245
Kevin: Thank you
very much for coming!
877
00:43:02,247 --> 00:43:04,480
That's it for our
square peg show!
878
00:43:04,482 --> 00:43:07,150
You made all of us
misfits feel so welcome,
879
00:43:07,152 --> 00:43:09,285
And now in return we'd like
to ask you to leave.
880
00:43:09,287 --> 00:43:10,886
Just go.
[laughter]
881
00:43:10,888 --> 00:43:12,287
Thank you very much!
Goodnight!
882
00:43:12,289 --> 00:43:14,289
Thank you!
[applause]
883
00:43:14,291 --> 00:43:15,491
Thank you!
884
00:43:15,493 --> 00:43:17,327
All the comics were
great, thank you!
885
00:43:17,329 --> 00:43:19,128
Thank you.
I'm leaving.
886
00:43:19,130 --> 00:43:20,396
Thank you!
887
00:43:20,398 --> 00:43:22,899
[applause]
888
00:43:22,901 --> 00:43:26,636
♪
889
00:43:26,638 --> 00:43:30,039
♪
890
00:43:30,041 --> 00:43:33,176
♪
891
00:43:33,178 --> 00:43:36,913
♪
892
00:43:36,915 --> 00:43:39,849
♪
893
00:43:39,851 --> 00:43:43,586
♪
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