All language subtitles for W.C.F.S18E03.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

♪

♪

Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival presents,

Beyond belief!

Here's your host,
deanne smith!

[applause]

Deanne: Hey, everybody!

Hello!

Hi!

Hi, I'm so excited
to be here.

My name is deanne smith,
if you don't already know me,

And I have been lucky enough
to perform at comedy festivals

All over the world,
and I am here to tell you

That winnipeg is easily...
One of them.

[laughter]

Just one...
One of many.

A cool thing that happened
since the last time I was here

Was that my video from
this very comedy fest,

Called "straight men,
step your game up,"

Has been seen by over
46 million people!

46 million, I know!

[applause]

It's very cool.

But based on the current
state of the world,

I don't think one of those
people were a straight man,

Unfortunately.
[laughter]

Are there any straight men
in the audience tonight?

Are you here?
[applause]

Yes!
Of course you're here!

I figured you were here
just based on averages,

And also based on some
of the wardrobe choices

I'm seeing tonight.
[laughter]

Don't be afraid of fashion,
my friends.

And listen, I don't mean to
pick on you guys, straight men.

I mean, everybody knows
you've had it really rough

In the past couple of years.

No, you really have, with people
holding you accountable

For the things
that you say and do.

[laughter]
I mean, really, don't worry,

I'm gonna be gentle
with you guys tonight.

I really am gonna
treat you gently.

I'm gonna treat you like

A judge would treat
a male sex offender.

Like, not too harsh.

Like, not too harsh at all,
so don't worry.

I know, very real.

Um...
[laughter]

The theme of
tonight's show is beliefs,

And we absolutely
can't talk about beliefs

Without talking
about religion.

Personally,
I don't think it matters

If you believe
in the christian god.

He's an old white man.

He believes in himself.
[laughter]

That guy, he has got
a ton of confidence.

[laughter]

And god is all about promises.

You know, he's like,
"if you believe in me,

"I promise to
always protect you,

"shower you with blessings,

"and then maybe one day
I'll let you move into

"my giant cloud mansion."

I mean, is god secretly the
controlling vindictive boyfriend

In literally every
lifetime movie?

'cause it sounds
like he might be.

He's got a ton of rules
for you follow.

He's furious if you
love anyone but him,

And he is always watching,

Especially when you masturbate.

[laughter]

You're right,
that's kind of hot.

That is actually kind of hot.
[laughter]

The best way to get out
of a toxic relationship

With god is to leave him for
his sexy misunderstood rival.

And not satan-- that's just
god's imaginary friend.

Um, I'm talking about
science, of course.

And the sexiest thing about
science is that it does not give

A rat's ass whether
you believe in it or not.

And it has a lot of
rat's asses to give,

Because of all
the experiments.

[laughter]

But as any normal, well-adjusted
person will tell you,

There is nothing
more seductive

Than total indifference, baby.

You're working it
with me tonight.

I see that, thank you.
[laughter]

I mean, if you want to get
onboard with science, great.

There's no devil, there's
no hell, there's no plagues.

Well, actually
there are plagues now,

Because people who don't believe
in science aren't vaccinating

Their kids, so...

[laughter]
I know.

They're called
"vaccine hesitators,"

If you didn't know, which
is the politically correct term

For anti-vaxxers,

Which itself is the
politically correct term

For "fucking idiots."
[laughter] uh...

Yes!

[applause]

The world health organization
has named anti-vaxxing

One of the world's ten biggest
threats to children's health.

Right behind the ebola virus,

But just ahead of daycares
run by the catholic church.

[laughter]
oo-kay!

[applause]

It is absolutely not
too soon, you guys.

If anything, it is too late and
very well-documented, all right?

[laughter]

But not every false belief
is hurtful, obviously.

Take santa claus,
for example.

I mean, what better role model
for our kids to look up to

Than a stranger who
breaks into their homes

To bribe them
for good behaviour,

If that makes sense.

A lot of christians don't want
their kids believing in santa

Because they think
he's a ridiculous myth

That distracts them from
the true purpose of christmas,

Which, of course,
is to celebrate god

Emanating in human form

Out of a teenage
virgin's vagina.

[laughter]

I personally think that
it's really mean to tell kids

There's no santa claus.

I think the more humane thing
to do is just stop giving them

Gifts until they lose
faith in him on their own.

[laughter]

Okay, great!

Guys, let's kick off the show.

I'm very excited!
[cheering]

[applause]

Let's do it.

I have a hard time believing
that your next act is only

30 years old, considering he's
already a published cartoonist

Who has performed at
this festival three times.

And also because
he looks, sounds,

And dresses like
a 48-year-old man.

Put your hands together
for jacob samuel!

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Jacob: Thank you.

I want to begin by just
telling you a bit about

My political beliefs.

Uh...
Yeah.

Politically, I'm a coward.

I'm a centrist.

That means I'm not
very right-wing,

I'm not very left-wing.

I'm not a conservative,
but at the same time

I think that anyone who's ever
tried to split a dinner bill

With more than eight people
knows that socialism can't work.

[laughter]

And, look,
I don't love capitalism,

But I also don't hate it.

Some people who hate capitalism

Will express it in odd ways.

One time I was on
the train and I saw a guy

Who was wearing a t-shirt,

Like, a regular promotional
t-shirt that said,

"down with capitalism."

And my first thought was just,

"did you buy that?"

[laughter]

Right, 'cause unless
the government made it for you,

You're kind of off message.

[laughter]

If anyone here is not sure
exactly what capitalism is,

Find me after the show and I'll
explain it to you for 50 bucks.

[laughter]

Obviously I'm kidding.

I'm not gonna explain it to you.

I'm gonna take your money
and walk away,

'cause that's how you
learn about capitalism!

[applause]

[applause]

I believe in voting.

I believe you should always
vote when you have the chance.

A lot of people, though,
don't vote, 'cause some people,

You know, they think
that they only need to vote

If they're inspired
by a candidate.

Otherwise,
they don't show up.

If you feel like
you need to be inspired

In order to show up
for an election,

You don't understand
how democracy works,

'cause democracy is not about
electing the best person.

No, it's about not
electing the worst.

[laughter]

Right?

[applause]

You're supposed to show up
and pick the least worst option.

[laughter]

You want to vote the same
way you pick an avocado?

Just like, "no, no,
no, no, no, maybe."

[laughter]

For a bit, then you get
home and you're like,

"oh no, it was bad
the whole time!"

[laughter]

You ever notice that whenever
a politician or a public figure,

Or really anyone,
gets accused of being a racist,

They always believe
they can disprove it

By just pointing
to a friend they have

Who's a visible minority?

They're like, "I have this
friend who's a minority."

Therefore, not racist.

And, like, that works,

A lot of the time,
which is crazy.

'cause that's not the standard
we apply to things.

You can't be like, "your honour,
how can this court find me

"guilty of murder,
when I clearly have

"several friends
who are alive?"

[laughter]

Right?
Case closed.

And look how diverse they are!

[laughter]

[applause]

But human beings, we have
a lot of illogical beliefs.

Like, I don't understand
why we believe that one

Kind of animal is good,
but then a virtually identical

Version of that animal is bad.

Like, why do
we all love doves,

But hate pigeons?
[laughter]

I think it's a
white privilege thing.

Right, 'cause doves,
doves are just white pigeons.

That's like the only
difference between them!

Doves are pigeons that
couldn't make it on the streets.

[laughter]

Doves are gentrified pigeons.

[laughter]

99 percent of people
consider the pigeon to be

A disgusting, filthy animal.

Dove is the world's most
successful mascot for soap.

[laughter]

You hear the word "dove"
and you're like,

"all over my naked body, please.
Here's my money."

[laughter]

Can you imagine a soap
called "pigeon"?

[laughter]

Try launching that brand
and not getting hit

With a health violation
immediately.

[laughter]

Beliefs are very important
in dating, obviously.

There's a lot of dating
sites based around religion.

There's, like, christian mingle
for christians,

Jdate for jews...

Uh, there might be
a site for agnostics,

But no one knows.

[laughter]

A lot of people believe that
astrology plays a strong role

In romance,
and I actually,

I date according
to astrological science.

If a woman believes
in astrology,

I will not date her.

[laughter]

'cause it's just
different perspectives.

I think either
you're a science person,

Or you're
an astrology person,

And I just think that astrology
is a bit more self-centred.

'cause with science,
you look at it all, the stars,

And you go, like, "wow,
the universe is huge,

"and I'm just
a tiny part of it."

And then with astrology,

You look at all the same
stars and you go,

"wow...

"what does all that
say about me?"

[laughter]

Like, "what does that galaxy
have to do with my personality?

"because it's
gotta be something!"

You see those stars
over there,

The ones that are so far away
it takes millions

And millions of years for
light from them to reach us,

That's why I'm late
to stuff.

[laughter]

But I know some people take
astrology pretty seriously,

So I just want to
say that, you know,

If anything I've said
has upset you,

From the bottom of my heart,

You should have seen
this coming in your horoscope.

[laughter]
guys, thank you so much!

My name's jacob samuel.
Have a great night!

[applause]

♪

♪

Deanne: This comic is a member
of a persecuted group

That's always being called out

To publicly defend
their beliefs,

Which is not fair,
but that's what happens

When you like
pineapple on pizza.

Please welcome
eman el-husseini!

[applause]

Eman: A screw!
Thank you, everybody.

Oh, my goodness, thank you!

It's so good to
be back in canada.

I live in america now,

So it's nice to see
some smiling faces again.

That is so, so good.

So, I am canadian,
originally palestinian.

[audience cheering]
yeah...

Delayed, delayed response,
but I'll take it.

Um, I recently got my
ancestry dna results back,

And it said,

"if you see something,
say something."

That's what...

[laughter]

It's not easy, it's not easy
being palestinian nowadays,

Or for the past seven decades,
hey, it hasn't been.

But I feel like we're
a unique minority group.

I feel like we're
the only ethnic minority

That gets excited when
a racist person tells us

To go back to our country.

[laughter]
right?

"hey, why don't you go
back to your country?"

"oh my god, thank you so much,
sir, that is so sweet.

"he thinks we have a country.
That is so nice.

"thank you."
free palestine!

That's...
[applause]

I'm also muslim,
which, yeah.

People are very
concerned for me.

A muslim woman in
current-day america,

They want to know
how I'm coping,

And I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,

But being muslim has
always sucked, right?

Since the beginning,
since islam started, right,

The prophet mohammed
was like, "all right,

"everybody gather around,
gather around.

"no pork, no booze."

I'm like,
"can I be a lesbian?"

No.

But your husband can
have three other wives.

Like, "wait, what?

"oh, do we all live
in the same house?

"sign me up,
sign me up!"

[laughter]
sounds...

[laughter]

People don't like muslims.

We're not very popular.

Do we have any muslims
in the audience?

Audience members: Woo!
Eman: Oh, good, good.

Thank you for coming.
It would have been

Bad if you weren't here.
Okay, good.

Um, people don't
like us very much.

We're not popular.
We're never--

We've never been anybody's
favourite people, right?

You've never heard anybody
in the history of existence

Being like, "muslims,
they're my favourite ever."

Which is a shame,
because we've contributed

So much to society, right?

So many good things, too.

Coffee, soap,
numbers, cab drivers.

Like, so many...
[laughter]

That was a culture shock for me
when I moved to america,

Just how many shootings
they have over there.

It's out of control, right?
Out of control.

And obviously,
I'm always heartbroken

When a shooting happens.

Also relieved when
the shooter is white, right?

[laughter]

No, room full of white people,
you don't agree?

Um...
[laughter]

I'm relieved--

I'm relieved 'cause there
are no repercussions.

There are no repercussions.

If the shooter is muslim,
terrorist.

If the shooter
is black, thug.

The shooter is white,
lone wolf.

[laughter]
how adorable.

Are we casting the next
x-men character?

What is happening?

It's so cute.

This is why now
I have a new dream job.

I've been doing
stand-up for a while.

My new dream job is
to get a segment on cnn

Where I announce the ethnic
background of every criminal.

[laughter]

Right, I would turn it into
a maury povich segment.

Walk into a room,
white people on one side,

Terrified muslims
on the other.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the results are in...

The shooter, not a muslim,
allahu akbar!

[laughter]
pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

Maybe no gunshots
at the end.

Maybe that's too much.

[laughter]
it's insensitive.

[laughter]

I am gay married.

I'm gay married, and that's
how our families reacted.

Thank you, everybody.
[laughter]

That's... Complete silence.

Thank you for the reminder.

Our families are not
onboard with our marriage

Because of religion,
which is so dumb.

This is why I'm not
a fan of religion, okay?

I'm not a fan of religion

Because I feel like
it separates people,

Creates unnecessary
superiority complexes, right?

I think the world would
have been a lot better off

If people were closeted
about their religious beliefs,

And open about
their sexuality.

Yeah?

[applause]

In new york city, I can't
believe how many religious

People are still there.
Religious...

I'd be in the subway
and they're like,

"hey, have you heard
the word of god?"

I'm like, "shh, lower your
voice, you're in public."

[laughter]

"people can hear you.

"you should be
ashamed of yourself."

That's...
[laughter]

Christianity is sneaky,
you never know.

Like, even christian
music is sneaky, okay?

I was in the south
of the us, touring,

Missing my wife
on the road.

Decided to turn on the radio
to listen to a love song.

I heard this song I related to.

It's like, "I love him,
even if I don't see him.

"I feel him."

Like, "okay, that's nice."

But then it took
a sharp turn, right?

[laughter]

"I want to bathe in the blood
from his cross!"

And it's like, "what the
hell just happened here?

"what just happened?"
[laughter]

You guys are amazing!
Thank you so much, winnipeg!

Thank you!
Have a great night!

[applause]

♪

♪

Deanne: This comedian
uses logic to poke holes

In peoples' most
irrational beliefs,

Just the way
xenu intended.

Give it up for
peter white!

[applause]

♪

Peter: Yeah, yeah!
Hello!

Hello, winnipeg.
Nice to be here.

Audience: Woo!
Pete: Yeah, big tv taping.

Hope this goes well.
[laughter]

Have you ever had
this happen to you?

Did you ever be in, like,
a big group conversation,

And you kind of get bored,
so you kind of zone out

For a minute, and then you
click back in and it's too late,

You have no idea what the hell
anybody's talking about?

It's too late,
you can never catch up.

I feel like that
happened to me

With all of my friends
and gender.

Do you know what I mean?

I feel like we were all
talking about black panther,

And I checked out for a second,
and I checked back in

And my friends were like,
"this is stupid,

"everybody knows there's
only two genders."

And I'm like, "what the hell
are we talking about?"

What?
Did I miss a class or something?

Why are we all talking about
gender all of a sudden?

Also, why do we all know
there's only two?

I don't know that.

What, did we take a class
that I didn't go to?

Like, when I was a kid they
told me there was only two,

But I haven't thought about it
for a second since then,

Do you know what I mean?

So now when someone tells me
there's more than two,

It's like, okay.

It's like when they told me
pluto wasn't a planet anymore.

Like, "all right, I only thought
it was 'cause you told me."

[laughter]

I didn't do
the research myself.

Just sort it out
and let me know.

I don't care, I don't care.
You know?

[laughter]

I don't know anything
about gender, man.

If I'm honest with you, two
doesn't sound like very many.

That's not a very
big number at all.

There's, like, 15
fast and the furious movies.

[laughter]

Could be more
than two genders.

There's 300,000
types of beetles.

Come on, let's get this.

Two just seems-- the argument
for two just seems silly to me,

'cause the argument for two
is always like,

"there's only two,
penis and vagina."

And you go,
"I guess, but, like,

"some people have both and some
people have none, so, like,

"right out of the gate
that seems like at least four."

[laughter]

It's insane, man.

People don't know what
they're fired up about.

Who cares about gender?

Who cares if they
change genders?

It's not like changing
the rules to the nhl.

I don't care, you
know what I mean?

[laughter]

I just wanna say burn it down,
start over, who cares.

Start over with gender.

Do you know what I mean?
Let men have vaginas.

Let women have penises.
Who cares.

More women should
have penises.

I bet you guys would
really teach us how to

Class up a dick pic.

[laughter]

[applause]

Elevate it to some sort of
phallic photography,

You know what I mean?
Make it classy.

I like the idea of
women with penises.

I like women with penises just
'cause it gets dudes so angry.

Dudes are furious at that idea.
Just...

"women don't have penises!

"you got a penis,
you're a man.

"a woman doesn't have
a penis, that's a man.

"you got a penis, you're a man,
you're not a woman."

And you go, "all right, man, but
what are you so angry about?"

Holy lord, what is
the fear driving that?

Do you know what I mean?
What are you scared of?

Just 'cause a woman
has a penis

Doesn't mean
you have to touch it.

[laughter]

Doesn't affect
your life at all.

Just live out the rest of your
days as a good old-fashioned

Vagina guy.
Nobody cares.

It doesn't matter.
[laughter]

No woman with a penis is gonna
make you have sex with her,

You know what I mean?
And if she tries,

Just sit her down
and talk to her nicely.

Be like, "listen, I know
what you're going through,

"I got a penis too.

"that thing's a nightmare."
[laughter]

"makes you act irrationally,
I get it,

"but this is not gonna
happen, all right?

"so let's just go home,
rub one out;

"we'll start fresh tomorrow."

[laughter]

I don't get it.

I don't get why everybody
gets so worked up about it.

And people-- like, people
hate transgender people.

That's always so...
Like, why?

That's such an
odd feeling to me.

Like, that doesn't
affect your life at all.

I just don't understand
how you could be

That worked up about it.

It doesn't change
anything about your life.

"ah, I gotta call him a she.

"you make me call him a she.
I feel stupid calling him a she.

"it's a clearly a man.
I feel stupid."

Like, really?
Come on.

You don't feel stupid calling
snoop dogg "snoop dogg"?

Get outta here!
[laughter]

You called him
"snoop doggy dog" for a while,

You asshole.
[laughter]

"feel stupid"...

Every argument is dumb to me.
Every argument just kills...

Like that bathroom argument?
Remember that in the states?

We're trying to make laws
about what transgender people

Can use the bathroom.
What a...

A bunch of grownups sitting
in a room arguing about where

We can take a poopsy?
What we are doing?

That is...
That's pathetic.

And it kills me,
it kills me the worst

When it's people my age.
Do you know what I mean?

People who are
still kind of young,

Still hate transgender people.

And not even just hate,
but just, like, you know,

"do whatever you want,
just stay away from me."

You get that attitude a lot,
which is weird 'cause, like,

We watched the same thing
happen to our grandparents

And gay people,
you know what I mean?

The same thing.

You watched them not
accept them fully.

Watched our great grandparents
not accept black people fully.

Watched our great great
grandparents not accept

Whoever they were mad at
at the time, I don't know.

Probably still black people,
if I'm honest with you.

Which is silly,
'cause you know

You're gonna end up
being that dude.

You're gonna be the old dude
saying awful things,

Embarrassing everybody,
ruining christmas dinner,

You know what I mean?

You're just sitting at
the end of the table,

"can you ask her to
pass the potatoes?"

And your family's like,
"ah, god, grandpa!

"we told it's 'they,'
it's 'they'!"

And you're like, "well,
can you ask her to pass

" they potatoes, then?
Jesus christ!"

You guys have been a lot of fun.
Thank you guys very much!

Have a good night, everybody!
[applause]

♪

♪

Deanne: It occurred to me
that I may have given you

The impression that I think
beliefs are dumb,

And that's not true.

I just think other peoples'
beliefs are dumb.

But I'm very passionate
about my own,

Which is why I want to share
some of them with you right now.

Here we go.
[piano music playing]

I believe it's weird
that russians are so antigay.

I mean, they invented
the concept of a woman

Inside a woman,
inside a woman,

Inside a woman,
inside a woman.

[applause]
[laughter]

I believe that no country
feels more pigeonholed

By their name than chad.

[laughter]

I believe it's possible
that my memory isn't as good

As it used to be, but there
is no way for me to know.

[laughter]

I believe nostalgia was
better back in my day.

[laughter]

I believe that saying
you're not a morning person

Is really inappropriate
at a funeral.

[laughter]

Inappropriate.

I believe being told you're "on
the ball" is a great compliment,

Unless it's during sex, and then
it feels like a valid complaint.

[laughter]

Or just a bit of feedback.
I don't know what you're into.

I don't want to
ball-shame anybody.

[laughter]

I believe it's possible
my memory isn't as good

As it used to be, but there's
no way for me to know.

[laughter]

[applause]

I believe that no celebration
of abraham lincoln's birthday

Is complete without stopping
to appreciate his iconic beard.

Her name was mary.

[laughter]

Oh yeah, babe-raham lincoln
was hella gay.

I believe that home
is where the heart is,

And also where the only
toilet I truly feel

Comfortable pooping in is.

[laughter]

I believe donald trump's
speech-writers spell

"niger" phonetically,
just in case.

[laughter]

And finally, I believe
it's possible that my memory

Isn't as good
as it used to be,

But there's no way
for me to know.

[applause]

♪

[applause]

Deanne: This performer
is a dear friend of mine,

Who embodies
everything I believe

A straight white guy
should be.

Namely, a male lesbian.

Please welcome
christophe davidson!

[applause]

Christophe: Hello!

Hi, everyone.

Thank you.

Thank you for those woos.

Quick poll,
I'm really curious,

Clap if you
believe in ghosts.

Clap if you believe in them.
[people clapping]

That is far too many.

Um...
[laughter]

That's terrifying in itself.

All right,
let's get a bit deeper.

Uh, clap if
you've seen a ghost,

And that's why you believe.
[people clapping]

Not as many, huh?

That's amazing.

There's a lot of you
out there who believe

That there's ghosts out there,
but you have yet to see one.

What a life filled with
anticipation you live right now.

[laughter]
oh my gosh.

'cause I don't
believe in ghosts,

But I see your life is like the
time I spend on a haunted ride:

Just any corner
you go around,

Any time you flick off
the light switch

And head down the basement,
oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Tonight might be
the night for you!

[laughter]

Wow, I am jealous of that!

I am very jealous of
you guys, you know,

'cause I don't believe in ghosts
because I haven't seen one.

That's the rule.

I gotta see a ghost
to believe in one.

I think that's pretty
straightforward, you know?

That's my rule.
But I would love to.

I'd love to see a ghost,
don't get me wrong.

I do everything I can
in order to see one.

I'm just chopping ouija boards
in half anytime I see them,

Just hacking them up, driving by
cemeteries, just sucking air in,

Big deep breaths.
Just, "come on, ghosts!

"get in there!
Let's make this happen!"

I want to see something
supernatural in my life.

I do.

I can picture it now,
'cause I wouldn't be afraid.

I see a ghost, I'm asking
it tons of questions.

They have answers that I need
answered to me, right?

I could picture, it'd be coming
around the corner, you know,

Me and the ghost, we bump
into each other and be, like,

"boo-oo-oo," you know?
Me because I'm startled,

And the ghost because that's
the sound that ghosts make.

[laughter]

I just see it right there,
and I'd be like,

"all right, come on, okay.

"how did you become this,
first of all?

"how are you not falling
through the floor right now,

"but you can
go through walls?

"I've always wondered that."
[laughter]

"and what's it like
in the beyond, straight up?

"I want to know."

And I want to-- I don't know
what ghost I would see, right?

You don't know.
There's tons of types.

You've got your
poltergeist, right?

Standard run-of-the-mill ghost,
shows up at the beginning

Of every horror film.

Family moves in,
they unpack,

Poltergeist throws
all their stuff around,

Which is equally
terrifying and inconvenient

For the poor family.

Yeah, they just unpacked.

[laughter]

A lot of people think that
poltergeists are the ghosts

Of human spirits that
used to live in that home,

Don't like the fact
that you're in there,

And so they throw your stuff
around to get you to leave.

And I would have to disagree
that they're a human spirit.

I think if you really consider
the sounds that are being made

By a poltergeist and the objects
and how they're flying around,

And that's definitely
a cat is what that is.

[laughter]

One hundred percent
a cat spirit.

What, you hear scratching
against the wall of a sudden?

What, you watch your cellphone
slowly inch of the table

And then fall down
to the ground?

[laughter]

Our chandeliers
swinging around?

This is all standard
cat behaviour.

[laughter]

I've had some
interesting stories.

I've asked a lot of people
in shows what kind of ghosts

They've seen,
tell me their ghost stories.

One of the strangest
ghost stories I heard,

A guy who told me he saw,
not any ghost,

But the devil specifically,

And he knew it was the devil

Because it woke him up
in the middle of the night

As a shadowy figure
that turned into a goat,

And that's what he knew
was the devil.

After this guy described that,
his buddy sitting next to him

In the audience was
like, "no, no, no, no.

"this guy didn't
think you asked,

"has anyone here
has seen a ghost?

"he thought you asked,
has anyone here seen a goat ?"

[laughter]

So, one guy,
in a room full of 200 people,

Completely different
experience for him, right?

Totally different show.

He saw me get onstage
and thought that I asked a room

Full of strangers sincerely,

"so does anyone here
believe in goats?"

[laughter]

No, does anyone
believe in goats?

I don't believe in goats,
'cause I've never seen one.

No, I gotta see a goat
to believe in one, you know?

I'm not an idiot.

Oh, don't get me wrong, I would
love to see a goat, oh my god.

I would ask it
so many questions.

I could picture it now,
you know,

It would be coming around
the corner and it'd be, like,

"mahh!"
you know, me,

'cause I'm startled,
and the goat,

'cause the sound
that goats make.

[laughter]

Sure, yeah.

[chuckles]

[applause]

And then I would ask it
so many questions, right?

Like, "how'd you become this?

"oh, how are you not falling
through the floor right now,

"but you can go through walls?
I've always wondered that!

"and what's it like
in the beyond, huh?"

You guys have been
an absolute pleasure.

Thanks for listening.

I appreciate it,
winnipeg, thank you.

[applause]

♪

Deanne: This performer
believes that becoming a father

Has turned him into
a better comedian,

And I believe that male
comics will say anything

To get out of
wearing a condom.

Please welcome
charlie demers!

[applause]

Charlie: Thank you very much!

Oh...

We all believe certain
things about ourselves,

And partly we think it's because
of the group we come from,

The culture
we were raised in.

Like, I'm a
french-canadian fellow,

And I like to believe that
I am a very passionate man.

I like to think that I
gesticulate a lot with my hands.

And we do, but, like, you put
us next to, like, an italian?

Amateur hour.

Or as we pronounce it,
ama- teur .

And I was talking to an
italian friend fairly recently,

And the whole time
he's talking to me,

He's giving me this,
you know?

He's giving me
the mediterranean metronome.

[laughter]

And the whole time we're
talking I'm getting a bounce

On every syllable,
every single word he says.

When he's angry,
I'm getting these!

And when he's happy,
I'm getting these!

And the whole time we're
talking, I'm watching his hand,

Thinking, fitbits must be
completely useless

In the italian community!

[laughter]

There are no useable data
on an italian fitbit.

This...

"I looked down at my watch,
it's 9:30 in the morning,

"I already got 10,000 steps!"

[laughter]

"then I remembered I just
that argument about peppers!"

[laughter]

[sighs]

I do not wear a fitbit.

I'll let you take
a moment to sink that in.

[laughter]
uh...

I do not wear a fitbit, because
I think that the desire to use

Technology to live forever is

A purely ideological
construct, you know?

And I have a little kid, right?

She's five years old, and she's
now realizing we're all mortal,

Not everybody's gonna be here
forever, so she's always asking,

"how long are mommy
and daddy gonna live?

"how long are mommy
and daddy gonna live?

"well, you'll live
to be 100, right?"

And I always have to
sit her down, I say,

"sweety, how long are mommy
and daddy gonna live?

"I'm your dad, okay?

"and your mom is a 112-pound

"chinese-canadian jogger."

"it's different answers.

[laughter]

"sweety, nobody knows
what the future holds.

"all I can say
with any certainty

"is you will almost definitely
have a stepdad at some point."

[laughter]

Nationalism around
the world is on the rise,

And of course the symbol
of nationalism most easily

Accessible is the flag.

And sometimes flags
really do tell you

A lot about the country, right?

The most sort of-- the most
love that any country

Has for their flag,
though, has to be

Our american friends, though.

They love their flag.

It's actually quite endearing.

The americans love their
flag so much they think

All they have to do
is just shout

The colours that are in it.

That's like
the end of a debate.

[texan accent]
"red, white, and blue, baby!"

[laughter]

"red, white, and blue!
Woo!"

[laughter]

And what I love about that

Is that there are no fewer
than 28 countries

With red, white,
and blue flags.

[laughter]

Red, white, and blue
is by far

The most popular colour
of a combination, flag-wise.

You got the flag of the
netherlands, the flag of russia.

There are-- so,
to just should the phrase

"red, white, and blue"
is quite literally

The least specific
possible expression

Of national sentiment.

And yet that will not stop our
american friends for one second.

You got a big ol'
10-gallon dude from texas,

"woo!
Red, white, and blue, baby!

"these colours don't rhyme!

"red, white, and blue!"

[laughter]

[french accent]
hon-hon-hon, yes, yes!

Red, white, and bleu!

[laughter]

[texan accent] you best shut
that creme brelee hole, pierre.

[laughter]

[english accent] that's right,
go back to France!

He's talking about
the red, white, and blue!

Oi-oi-oi-oi!

[laughter]

[texan accent] dudes, y'all
fallin' on my last nerve!

I went so hard about this
I dyed it red, white, blue!

[serbian accent]
yes, red, white and blue!

I am also enthusiast of
the republic of serbia.

[laughter]

Thank you all, winnipeg.

That was a lot of fun!

Goodnight.

[applause]

♪

[applause]
[applause]

Deanne: I truly believe that
this comedian could become

Prime minister if she wanted to,
because of her charm,

Intelligence, and the fact
that she would 100%

Come to your house
and beat you up

If you didn't vote for her.

Give it up for
martha chaves!

[applause]

♪

Martha: Hello, winnipeg!

[applause]

Wow!

Ah, thank you for having me
in the beyond belief gala.

I want to know, where are
the believers, where are?

Audience members: Woo!

Martha: Where are
the non believers?

[clapping]

And where are the agnostics?

[laughter]

Oh...
Very few.

Nobody wants to confess
what they are.

Where are the atheists?

[clapping]

Very few again.

You know, I was
brought up catholic.

Therefore, I am agnostic.

[laughter]

Because what if?

What if you needed to pray?

What if you're in a pickle?

What if you are in airplane
and you start hearing noises?

[makes whirring
and sputtering noises]

And you think,
"oh my god,

"I should not have eaten
that burrito before the flight!"

[laughter]

"sweet jesus,

"please allow me to walk
out of this plane

"with my dignity intact,

"and my underwear immaculate.

"please, jesus!"

[laughter]

And I went to an all-girl
catholic school,

And when I was a child,

I thought that I wanted
to become a nun.

As it turns out,
what I wanted to become

Was a lesbian, yeah.

[laughter]

Same thing,
better footwear.

[laughter]

And I can wear a little
lipstick when I want.

[laughter]

But now I never
go to church.

You know what I do?
You know what I do?

I go to dundas square
in toronto.

Dundas square is like
times square but cleaner.

And a lot of preachers
do their job there.

You know, they go
and preach there:

The muslim preachers,

The fundamentalist
christian preacher...

And the fundamentalist
christian preacher is latino,

Because he has a thicker accent
than mine, and he's yelling,

"if you don't believe in
yeee-sus..."

'cause jesus as now made him
the miracle to pronounce

The "j,"
so he is,

"if you don't believe
in yeee-sus,

"satin is gonna burn you."

Satin !

[laughter]

Like, I know
he means "satan,"

But I like to play
with his head,

So I go, "you know what?
Satin is very slippery."

[laughter]

Satin is the material
that they use for the beds

In all of the whore houses
in the world.

[laughter]

So people feel deliciously
when they break commandments!

Ha-ha-ha!

[laughter]

I love to fight
with the preachers.

It warms my heart.
[laughter]

Because they hate gay people.

They started the fight, not me!

And, you know, in every
religion, not only christianity,

In every religion,
gay people are going to hell.

I mean, that's
what their books say.

Hell is like the
pride parade, you know?

If everybody who was gay
is going to hell,

Hell is like the
toronto pride parade.

[making beat noises]

[making beat noises]

And everybody has a hot body!

[making beat noises]
[laughter]

You're hot, I'm hot,
they're hot, he's hot,

Because you are burning
in eternal flames!

[laughter]

And I go with my partner
and we hold hands

In front of the preacher.

I just love to poke
the homophobes.

Poke, poke, poke, poke,
'cause there is nothing,

Nothing that bothers
them more than two see

Two middle-age lesbians
holding hands.

That's subversive.

You know, you hold
their hands,

And they imagine that I have
a trapeze in my bedroom...

[laughter]

And I do somersaults, and then
I land and I make tortillas.

[laughter]
tortillas, tortillas, tortillas,

Tortillas, tortillas,
tortillas, tortillas!

[laughter]

You know?
[laughter]

And he gets provoked,
and he says--

He throws the leviticus
verse me.

"in leviticus, item 22,

"it says that if a man lays
with another man the same way

"he lays with a woman,

"it's an abomin-a-a-a-tion."

So I thought about it,
and I go,

"well, I don't lay with a man

"the same way I lay
with a woman!"

[laughter]

Loophole!

[making beat noises]

[applause]
[laughter]

Thank you, winnipeg!

You have been a great crowd.

Thank you!
[applause]

[applause]

♪

Deanne: Oh my god.

Guys, that's our show.

And before you go home,
I just want you to remember

That no matter what you believe,
at the end of the day,

We are all human beings,

Living in a computer simulation
run by a bored teenage alien.

Goodnight!

[applause]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪