All language subtitles for W.C.F.S17E05.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival

Proudly presents...
Eh! Material.

And now your true host,

Strong and free,
jonathan torrens.

[applause]

[applause]

Jonathan: Good
evening, winnipeg.

How's everybody doing?

No, seriously, let's go around
the room, one person at a time,

So everyone gets
a chance to answer that

'cause that's only fair,
and fair is the canadian way.

My name is jonathan torrens,
but feel free to call me

Buddy from street cents,
or the jonovision guy for short.

Whatever rolls off
the tongue.

Welcome to eh! Material.

A gala where some of
our brightest comics

Will do their best jokes
ab oo t canada,

So let's start there,
shall we?

We don't say "aboot,"
am I right?

We don't say that.

You know who says "aboot"?

Americans when they're
doing a canadian accent.

[laughter]

We don't say "aboot."

Every canadian
knows we say "a-boat."

[laughter]

And it's a-boat time

We clear up
that misconception.

[laughter]

You know, it's kind of funny
that americans would criticize

The way we speak.

They're the ones
who say "ice hockey."

[laughter]

As if there's
any other kind.

That's like saying
"grass baseball."

[laughter]

Next time you're
speaking to an american

Find a way to slip that
into casual conversation:

"catch the grass baseball
game last night?

"one of the best grass
baseball games

"I've ever seen with my eyes."

♪

But enough a-bowt, boot,
or about americans,

Tonight we're celebrating
this glorious land

From sea to sea to sea...

Canada.

Which is actually an acronym.

Did you know that?

"canadians are not
americans, dumb ass."

[applause]

[applause]

Stitch that to your backpack
next time you're travelling

Through europe,
that'll get the party started.

I'm from charlottetown,

Where the country was formed
in a blurry stupor

By the fathers of confederation.

You know, charlottetown
is so proud of its place

In our history
that every Thursday,

Friday and Saturday night,
there are still re-enactments

Of the drinking that went on
during that fateful gathering.

[laughter]

One of my favourite
moments living on pei

Was hearing a woman from georgia
interviewed on the radio.

The dj said, "what did you think
of your time on the island?"

And she said, "my husband
and I had the nicest time

"here on pe-1."

[laughter]

"you did, huh?"

"how long were you on pe-1?"

[laughter]

Working in canadian
show business

Sure is rewarding, though.

Not financially,
of course, um...

Guys, I don't want to brag, but
I get recognized all the time.

A couple of years ago I was
in the airport in saskatoon,

Buying a pack of gum,

And the woman started
fibrillating with excitement.

She was like, "I, I can't
believe it's you."

"yeah, it is," I said.

"I've been
watching you for years.

"can I ask you something?"

And I said,
"sure, anything."

"what's it like to be
on coronation street?"

♪

Canadian show business,
where our best known tv star

Is a german shepherd
that solves mysteries.

♪

It's a blinding
galaxy of stars.

But we canadians are
brightsiders from way back, too.

Consider the standard answer to
the question how are you today?

Most people around the world
will answer with

Some version of "great."

Ask a canadian that question,
we'll respond with something

Like, "well, not too bad,"

As if the assumption is
you're some level of bad,

But not too bad is a win,

Anything more would
be showing off.

Isn't that weird?

The only thing we're
sceptical about is spring.

[laughter]

In paris, spring is celebrated,
it's beautiful, time for love,

For new beginnings,
not in canada.

Spring is a time to get
punched in the feelings

And develop trust issues.

[laughter]

Winter is the more comfortable
default for us, anyway.

We like being cold, right?

It's our natural habitat.

It's not too bad, fishing
and freezing, skating,

Skiing, or sledding.

Remember
aluminium toboggans?

Remember?

Can't get those anymore.

Why did they take
those away from us?

Are they, like, the lawn darts
of winter leisure?

[laughter]

Too dangerous to enjoy.

Here's the real truth
about the canadians:

It's hard to make
generalizations about us

Because our country
is as diverse

As the landscape itself,

Sweeping arctic tundra with
endless prairie wheat fields,

Cookie cutter cliffs
and mighty mountains.

We are ryan gosling
and rye and ginger,

Sidney crosby
and john crosby,

Celine, shania, alanis.

Our singers sound
like pharmaceuticals.

[laughter]

Okay, here's a quick
canadianity quiz.

If applaud to most
of these questions,

You're as canuck
as steve podborski.

The first question: Do you
know who steve podborski is?

All right.
[applause]

Have you ever bought
something with club z points?

Okay, I can tell,
shaker-knit sweater.

Do you still have a wad
of canadian tire money

In a tin in the garage?

Yeah, okay.

[applause]

Do you know who
hal and joanne are?

Of course you do.

[applause]

Do you recognize bay days
as a national holiday?

[applause]
okay.

Do you know what it was like
working on coronation street?

[applause]
[laughter]

If you clapped yes to
the majority of these questions,

You're as canadian
as a gst cheque.

Congratulations, folks!

You get to stay
for the rest of the show.

[applause]

Are you ready to
meet our first comic?

[applause]

Ever have those days where
nothing seems to go right?

This performer has a word
for that: Childhood.

Please welcome a guy
who has grown up

Into a very funny grownup,
leonard chan.

[applause]

[applause]

Leonard: Hi, I'm leonard.

I'll be your asian
for the night.

Yeah, I'm an asian comic.

There's not a lot of us.

I don't think a lot of asians
have the courage to get on stage

And destroy
their parents' dreams.

[laughter]

Oh, man.

Yeah, my parents hate that I'm
an asian comic, they hate it,

And but it's their fault
that I'm asian, obviously.

[laughter]

So, my parents
moved to canada,

I needed a canadian name,

My parents named me leonard.

Yup, it's a stupid name.

[laughter]

I don't like my name.

Look, here's the problem,
it's not a name that women can

Scream out in bed.

You know, like,

"oh, yes, leonard."

[laughter]

"right there, leonard."
[laughs]

It's like, "please
stop saying my name,

"it sounds like you're
banging a dentist."

[laughter]

Kids in grade school
used to make fun of me.

They used to call me "le nerd ."

Because you live
in a bilingual country,

I got made fun of
in two languages.

[laughter]

But it doesn't matter
what my name is,

Kids would have
made fun of me anyways

'cause my immigrant mom
made the immigrant mistake

Of sending me to school
with an immigrant lunch,

All right?

Look, everybody knows asians
eat weird stuff, okay?

You know, scorpion,
jellyfish, dog, whatever.

[laughter]

We eat everything.

All right, in china,
the show planet earth

Airs on the food network.

[laughter]

So...

My mom sent me to
school with ox tongue,

Which is delicious,
all right,

But the kids made fun of me.

I went home crying
to my mom, "no more tongue!"

Which is a weird thing
to say to your mom.

[laughter]

[applause]

So I got made fun of being
too chinese, so I said,

"I'm gonna become
more canadian."

You know, I listened
to canadian music,

I ate canadian bacon,
I married a canadian woman,

I embraced my
canadian side so hard

You could call me
chan of green gables.

[laughter]

But I think I
overcompensated

'cause then
all my chinese friends

Started making fun of me
for being too canadian,

And I was, like, "I don't
know what that means,"

So I went online, took a quiz:
"how canadian are you?"

[laughter]

Turns out
I am 76% canadian,

Which is very canadian,

But taking that test made
me realize that I have not

Forgotten my chinese roots,

Because I was furious
that I only got 76%.

[laughter]

[applause]

So, one of the very canadian
things I do is I go camping,

'cause I married a
white woman, so I have to.

Look, asians don't understand
camping, all right?

In chinese, the word
for camping is "homeless."

[laughter]

Oh, man.

No, my parents moved to canada,
I'm very happy about that,

They moved to canada,

America's hat,
and it's so much better,

'cause they could have
moved to america,

Canada's jockstrap.

[laughter]

But canada and america get
compared all the time, you know,

And I think they're very
different countries,

And all you have to do is look
at the leaders, all right.

Canada elected justin trudeau.

He's very pretty, you know,
he tries a little bit too hard,

He's like the anne hathaway
of world leaders.

But, you know,
but he's well-read,

He speaks english and french,
he's very canadian.

Now, america...
[exhales]

Yeah, america elected
donald trump,

The donald trump
of world leaders.

[laughter]

You know, can't read,
barely speaks english.

The only thing canadian
about him is that

He's the same colour
as kraft dinner.

[laughter]

[applause]

All right,
like, I love canada.

All right, clean water,
universal health care,

Women's curling.

[laughter]

Women's curlers are so hot.

Is it just me?

Just they're so hot.

[applause]

I think, I think it's 'cause
I'm a fan of punctuality,

So I just get turned on any time
a woman yells at me to hurry.

[laughter]

[applause]

"yeah, hurry hard!"
"oh, I will."

Oh, I will.
[laughs]

No, but I love women's curling,
and I love canada,

I love canada, but I'm not
american about it, you know,

'cause americans
are obnoxiously patriotic,

They need you to know
that they're american, right?

But canadians, like,
we're proud to be canadian,

But part of being
canadian is that,

Especially as a child
of an immigrant,

We never forget
who we are, all right?

I think that is really
the difference

Between our two countries.

And I think here's an example
to illustrate the difference,

All right?

I was recently in europe,
I was at the airport,

I was in line to board
my flight, and this woman,

Wearing a shirt made out of a us
flag and a hat that said

"make america great again,"

Which were both probably
made in china.

[laughter]

She cuts in front of me in line,
all right, but I'm a canadian,

So I don't say anything.

She gets on the plane
in front of me.

She's got three bags,

She puts them in the
overhead compartment,

There's no room for my stuff,
but I'm a canadian,

So I don't say anything.

And then she gets in the seat
right in front of me,

Reclines the seat the whole way,
right in my face,

But I'm a canadian,

So I don't say anything.

But because I'm chinese,

I passive-aggressively
kneed her in the back

For the entire flight.

[laughter]

[applause]

Yeah.

I might not be able to
make america great again,

But as a minority,

I can definitely make
america uncomfortable.

All right, you guys
have been fantastic!

Thank you guys very much!

[applause]

Announcer: After the break,

Jess salomon runs
for the border.

[applause]

Jonathan: Currently
living in the us,

This comic is making
her triumphant return.

It's jess salomon!

[applause]

[applause]

Jess: Thank you.

It is really nice
to be back in canada.

I do live in america.

Um, I moved there just
before the last election and,

Thank you, and I moved
there with my muslim wife,

Because I'm making all the
best choices all of the time,

That's my thing,
that's what I like to do.

I am from montreal originally,

And now in the us I actually
miss quebecois french,

Who knew, who knew
that would happen,

But I do.

They have great slang,
great slang.

Do you-- I don't know
if you guys know

The quebecois slang
word for penis.

They call it a "graine."

That means grain.

Grain, literally the smallest
unit of measurement,

Perceptible by the human eye
without the aid of a microscope.

"graine," it's slang,
they made it up.

They could have gone
with anything, anything.

Quebecois guys call their
best friend "le gros," big guy,

And their dick a grain... What?
What is happening?

[laughter]

How confident are quebecois
guys that their call their dick

A grain and think that they
can have their own country?

You know, it's, come on.

[laughter]

I like doing that
joke in manitoba, um,

Definitely went better here
than in trois-rivieres,

I have to say,
well, that was...

[laughter]

I do come back to canada
every so often.

Usually I, like, get
worked up in a panic

About what's happening
in america.

I'm always-- like, it's just--
it's not good, it's very bad,

You know what I mean?
Like, down there

I'm just calling up senators,

Pretending I live
in swing states.

I don't know if
I'm helping.

I don't know if
that's working.

Is that what we're
supposed to be doing?

I'm hitting marches,
that's my main form of cardio,

I'm at the March, I am.
And you know what?

And, yeah, thank you.
I am a she-ro,

And I, you know, I...
I'm doing what I can.

I've been very proud of
my signs, I have to say,

At the marches.

I know that's not, like,

The point of the
March or anything.

I was at a gay March not
too long ago with my wife,

And my sign said
"jihad me at hello,"

So I thought that was
pretty cute.

Thank you.

[laughter]

[applause]

I do appreciate that canada
is going through this, like,

Popular, you know,
time internationally.

We're very popular as a country.

Everybody is a fan of canada.

Definitely in america
they are, and that's nice,

'cause there
was a period of time

When harper was prime minister
and like, that

Sweet, sweet oil
money was flowing.

You guys remember?

And, you know, it was a moment
where I feel like canada

Was going through a little bit
of an asshole phase, right?

Like, we were still apologetic,
but it was kind of in this,

Like, dickish way, right, where
we just had all that money.

It was, like, "oh,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

"is there a global
economic crisis going on?"

"I'm sorry, like, is greece
bankrupt, is greece...

"I'm sorry, I couldn't tell,
I've been too busy up here

"printing see-through
$100 bills,

"I don't know what's happening.
What's, what's there... "

"oh, I'm sorry, are our
emissions making winters

"too warm for you, is that?
Oh really?

"uh-huh, have you ever had
a frost-bitten nipple?

"has that happened to you?

"has that happened?

"have you ever poured
hot coffee over your car door

"just to get inside?

"do you know what that's like?
Yeah?

"have you ever gone outside
with wet hair and had a chunk

"just break right off?
Has that happened to you?"

It's happened to me,
you know?

[laughter]

When harper was
prime minister, um,

The toronto zoo split up
a gay penguin couple.

Yeah, buddy and pedro, those
were their names, you guys.

Buddy and pedro,
the first gay latino jewish

Penguin love story

Just ended, you know.

Just let the penguins
be gay, right?

Like, what is canada, if not
a country that celebrates

Multicultural gay penguin love?

That's who we are.

Justin trudeau would
never have allowed that,

He would have gone
down to the zoo

And officiated their wedding,
for sure, you know?

[laughter]

[applause]

Here's a thing,
we have a prime minister

Who is a sex symbol,

And that's why it's hard
for me to understand,

Maybe you guys will be outraged
by this, 'cause I am, um,

That "canadian"
is not a category of porn.

[laughter]

We're not a fetish group.

How is that possible?

Look at us, you know?

Look at this guy.
Come on, you know?

And there's a category
for everything in porn.

Specific nationalities even.

Czech porn,

Someone knows about it.

Czech porn, czech porn,

That's a category, right?

Not like czechoslovakian porn,

'cause who wants to see
any cold war era porn?

I mean, that's--
what is that, even?

Just a bunch of people
banging in line

While they wait for bread?
I don't know, um...

[laughter]

But the crtc has our back

Because they issued
a notice against three

Canadian porn channels
for not broadcasting

Enough canadian porn.

That is an absolutely
true story,

Something that happened
with our tax money,

And I can't believe
that there's someone out there,

I'm assuming a man,
who has a job

Of watching porn to decide

Whether it's canadian enough.

[laughter]

I've decided to apply
for this job and, um...

So I've come up with a list
of canadian porn titles

I wanted to test out on you.
Are you guys ready?

Okay, canadian porn titles,
number one,

Pou-tine it in.

It's pretty good, right?
That's a good one.

Milfs in the hall,
not bad.

Uh, zamboners three.

[laughter]

Two minutes in the box,
yeah?

Okay.

[laughter]

Inuk-shook you
all night long.

[laughter]

And sexy nurses paid for
by the government!

[laughter]

Thank you, guys.
You've been amazing.

Have a good night!

Announcer: Up next,
howie miller's cross-country

Territorial tour.

[applause]

Jonathan: Like
the montell jordan classic,

He's here to show us
this is how we do it.

Please welcome a winnipeg
favourite, howie miller!

[applause]

[applause]

Howie: Yes, burling down
and down white water,

The log driver's waltz

Pleases girls completely.

[laughter]

Until I was 8 years old,

I thought that was
the national anthem.

[laughter]

And did you hear now
we're changing it?

Now, I'm 100% for updating
the third line

To make it more inclusive,

But we haven't gone back
far enough, people.

We need to go back,
all the way back,

To the second line and address
the elephant in the room.

I used to think the second
line, actually went

"your home's on native land."

[laughter]

[applause]

No, if we're gonna
start making changes,

I suggest we make
that line a little more,

I don't know,
historically accurate.

O canada,

Sorry we stole your land.

[laughter]

Apologizing is huge
in canada's culture,

But not my culture.

Did you know that there
isn't a word for sorry

In my cree language?

That's because we didn't do
anything to apologize for.

[laughter]

I've always looked at this
great nation as one big family,

And the map of canada
as a family portrait.

British columbia,

That young enthusiastic
drama student, niece.

Look at me, look at me,
I'm supernatural.

[laughter]

It's the hipster pot smoking,
gluten free,

Gonna fix the world
hub of the country.

[laughter]

Alberta is that rich drunk
uncle that's kind of racist,

But it's okay
because at some point

He's gonna give you
some money.

[laughter]

Saskatchewan is the
old grandfather farmer,

Super old-school,
and no matter what you say,

You're never
gonna change him.

[laughter]

Manitoba...

[applause]

That little sister that
just wants to be noticed.

[laughter]

"is he talking about me?
I hope he's talking about me.

"I really hope he's
talking about me!

"do I look good?
I don't think I look good.

"oh, my god, it's cold."

[laughter]

Ontario, they're those
pompous, arrogant,

Distant relations
that nobody likes,

Because they think they're
better than everybody else,

And they sound so pretentious.

"I'm going up to the cottage
this weekend.

"do you want to come
to the cottage?"

[laughter]

You know what the
rest of us call that?

"yeah, I'm going up
to the cabin, eh?"

[laughter]

Why are they calling it
a cottage for?

What are they,
making cheese?

[laughter]

Quebec, quebec,
mon ami, eh?

She is that older sister

That can't wait to
grow up and move out.

[laughter]

They have fought so hard
to make canada bilingual.

Yeah, because you wouldn't
want to lose a language

Your people have been
speaking for thousands of years,

Would ya?

[laughter]

Would ya ?

[laughter]

[applause]

The maritimes, the maritimes
are those little aunties

That everybody has that
always worry about you.

"oh, lord, get inside
before you catch a cold.

"have some moose stew,
eat up now."

♪

You get a couple
of them together,

You can't understand
a word they're saying.

[laughter]

"I'll drop by round
by and by.

"yeah, by fire proscaf."

[laughter]

And the weird thing for me,

The natives talk like that
out there, too.

[laughter]

[applause]

I met one of them.
He's like,

"lord, counter gees and by god,
howie miller,

"how she be?"

[laughter]

Like, don't talk like that,
you're native!

Talk like this, eh?

[laughter]

[applause]

The territories,
the territories are the newest

Youngest member of canada

For the longest time,
I thought the territories

Were just waiting
to become real provinces,

Like their application
was still being processed.

[laughter]

But there's a lot of
native people up there,

So if that were the case,

Those files would probably be
filed into the gaping black hole

That is the native
issue inbox.

Where's the outbox, people?

[laughter]

When are some of the "issues"
going to be reconciled?

[laughter]

Reconciliation,
reconciliation...

I remember, hey, my
native brothers and sisters

Standing hand in hand
across the nation,

Our hearts open, our heads high,
full of excitement,

We're just waiting,
and what did we get?

"oh sorry, eh?"

[laughter]

Well, it's a start.

And you can't get much
more canadian than that.

[laughter]

[applause]

Announcer: When we return,
amanda brooke perrin

Is living the
american dream

On winnipeg
comedy festival.

[applause]

Jonathan: Like the city of
vancouver he now calls home,

There is nothing low rent
about this comic.

Put your hands together
and make it sound like rain

For jacob samuel!

[applause]

[applause]

Jacob: Wow, uh,
thank you.

So, I live in vancouver now,

But I actually
grew up in toronto,

Aka "the 6," right?

That's the nickname that
the rapper drake gave us,

And I think that "the 6"

Is the perfect
nickname for toronto,

Because out of 10...

[laughter]

Toronto is a city that's
always trying to prove itself,

Even though it's the
biggest city we have,

And it's because
it's the one place

That america didn't want.

Here's a quick history lesson.

In 1813,

The united states
invaded canada, this is true,

And they conquered toronto,

And for a few days
they looked at the city,

And then...

They walked back to buffalo.

[laughter]

They got toronto for free
and they were, like,

No thank you.

So, it's just a quick shout out
to my old hometown, toronto,

The 6, aka america's
one-night-stand.

[laughter]

Sometimes I feel like
a sub-par canadian

Because my french
is tres mal,

And it really
should be mei-lleur,

'cause my first 8 years
of elementary school

Were in french immersion,

Then in my 20s I lived
in montreal for, like,

4 years,
and after all that,

My french is only good enough

To understand
cultural references.

Like, I can translate
the title of the movie

Chocolat very quickly.

[laughter]

And I know that the band
named bon jovi

Is actually french
for good jovi.

♪

And now I live in vancouver,
or as I call it, canada light

[laughter]

'cause they're
on the west coast,

We don't face the same
meteorological challenges

As the rest of the country.

Vancouver is the largest
concentration of canadians

Who have no idea
what to do when it snows.

They all run out with
umbrellas for some reason.

Oh, the rain is
really fluffy today.

[laughter]

People in vancouver also
say some crazy things.

They brag a lot
about the city now.

Ever since I've lived there,
people have been writing

And talking about how they
think that vancouver bc,

Is now officially
a world-class city.

And... No.

[laughter]

Not even close.
But people from vancouver

Don't fact-check that

'cause they don't read,

'cause that's not
part of a triathlon.

[laughter]

[applause]

And I'll ask people, I'll say,
"why do you think vancouver

"is a world-class city?"

And they always give
one piece of evidence.

They say, "well,
it's because in 2010

"we hosted
the winter olympics."

Ooh, la-dee-da.

You know who hosted
the winter olympics

20 years before vancouver?

Calgary...
Alberta.

If you can be compared
to calgary in any way,

You're not world class.

[laughter]

That's a shout out to my current
hometown, vancouver, aka the 5.

[laughter]

We have two major
sports trophies,

The grey cup
and the stanley cup,

Both of which we decided
to make out of silver,

'cause that's how humble we are,

We want our champions to still
feel like they're second place.

[laughter]

Like a lot of canadians,
I follow politics

Very closely

When it's american.

And something

Always happens in american
elections that perplexes me:

Um, always there'll be
left-wing american actors

Who will threaten
to move to canada

If the republicans win,

And I don't think
they understand

How much of a demotion it is

To go from being, like,
a hollywood actor

To a, uh...

Canadian actor.

[laughter]

Like, like, what are
you talking about?

You're gonna taken
a million percent pay cut

To be in a show that ends
with "of green gables"?

[laughter]

The rapper drake has
a song where he says

That he started
from the bottom,

And the bottom
he's talking about

Is when he was an actor

On canadian tv.

Guys, thank you so much.

You've been fantastic.

[applause]

Jonathan: This canadian
comic now lives in la

And proves you can take
the 'u' out of humour,

But you can't take the humour
out of this comic.

It's amanda brooke perrin!

[applause]

[applause]

Amanda: Hi, you guys.
It's so nice to be here.

I do live in the states,
so it's super nice to be here.

Don't send me back.

Seriously, though, it's--

Have you guys
been checking out what

They even got going on
down there?

Let me catch you up real quick:
Guns, racism,

Women aren't people.

It is truly stunning
this time of year.

You gotta...
Gotta check it.

I've actually been calling
my night terrors

My american dreams.

[laughter]

It's a cool time to be
a woman right now.

Well, it's a little bit less
of a nightmare, I would say,

With, like, the me too
movement and the marches.

It's sort of like
every man was handed

The right prescription
of glasses,

And some of them put them on
and they're, like, wow,

I was blind,
but now I see.

But some of them
put them on,

Saw an outspoken woman and
they were like, what is it?

Do we bomb it,
or have sex with it?

[laughter]

It's interesting finding out
what americans know

About canadian politics.

The only thing they do know
is the name justin trudeau,

And even then
it's jason sometimes.

It's jason most of the time,
or "that hot guy that's, like,

"president but in canada."

[laughter]

It's usually the--

They're not wrong,
though, like,

Justin trudeau seems like
a bit of an accident to me.

Like, I feel like
the canadian government

Were having a meeting on
how to make their politics

A little bit more sexy,

And then justin burst into
the room and he was like,

"is this where the auditions
for rent are?"

[laughter]

Ah, I'm single.
Hold for applause.

Hold for applause.
Okay, sorry.

It says it
in the prompter.

Um, I am.

I was down there
for the election,

And all my friends
were like, "amanda,

"you must be getting
so many marriage proposals."

And I did not at all,

Except for one sketchy
dude that was, like,

"do you want to be
blood brothers?"

And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna
count it, I will count it.

I'll be your blood brother.

Are you together?
Okay, never mind.

[laughter]
cool.

I'm an invisible lady
in la, and I'm not being--

I'm not beating myself up,
it's just a fact.

Like, in canada I think
I could maybe a 7,

And in la
I'm a shape,

I'm not even a number,

Just a shape of a woman.

They're like, "what is it?

"what are you?"

[laughter]

Okay, here an example,
I was in a bar one time,

And a handsome man was
beside me and I smiled at him,

And then he took
a swig of his beer,

Burped and then
blew it in my face.

[laughter]

I learned a lot about
myself in that moment,

'cause I just sort of
closed my eyes

And let it wash over me
like sea breeze.

[laughter]

I was like, there's
that california air

I've been hearing all about.

There it is.

I get called out on
apologizing a lot, which we do.

We say "sorry" correct,
by the way.

Do you guys agree,
we say it correct?

Sore -y.

I think that they just
don't know how to say it

'cause they never do it,
or they just, like,

Blame it on the nearest person

And/or country,
they just do that.

But we do apologize too much.

Like, I remember when I was
a kid I was at a festival,

And a man burnt me
with his cigarette,

And I apologized to him.

I don't really
remember what happened.

I think I was just like,
I'm sorry for getting in the way

Of your cancer baton, my liege.

[laughter]

I'm worried that I apologize
to the point of, like,

Like, what will happen
at my funeral?

Someone will get
on stage with, like,

A pre-written
script I've written.

"amanda's really sorry she
couldn't make it here today."

[laughter]

"but at least she died
doing what she loved,

"apologizing to
a falling tree."

[laughter]

Thank you guys so much.

[inaudible]

[applause]

Announcer: Still to come,
with glowing rod,

Big daddy tazz!

[applause]

Jonathan: Remember how your dad
would love to tell you stories

About what it was like
when he was a kid?

Well, instead of
rolling your eyes,

You're gonna be rolling
in the aisles with this dad.

It's winnipeg's
own big daddy tazz!

[applause]

[applause]

Tazz: Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

You know, growing up in canada,
as a kid on the prairies

Especially, was the same
thing every weekend,

Saturday, Sunday,
the same thing.

Saturday you got up and you
did your chores, right,

And then you watched
the cartoons.

There was two.

Rocket robin hood,

Where little john's eye
would blink

And go away and come
back and go away.

[laughter]

And hark, hark,
it's danalus, it's danalus.

[laughter]

We only have three channels,
it was called farmer vision.

We had cbc,
a blurry channel,

And the french channel.

[laughter]

And nobody watched
this french channel

Until you turned
into a 13-year-old boy,

And you're like, "there's
naked people on that channel."

[laughter]

"ha-ha,
I'm gonna be bilingual!"

[laughter]

And you spent the
whole day outside.

After your chores,
you'd go outside

-30, +30, it didn't matter.

The only difference
was that at, at -30,

You were trying
to convince your sister

That that frosty pole
tasted like a strawberry.

[laughter]

Lick it, lick it.

Huh?

And the lunch,
oh my god,

You'd come in for the lunch
and it would be some sort of

Stereotypical canadian lunch,

A grilled cheese
product of some sort,

Coupled with some sort of
campbell's soup

That was on sale.

[laughter]

Or your grandmother
would make kraft dinner

With hotdogs cut up in it,

Already cut up in it,

And then you'd go off
to, you know,

On your own and you'd
try to make that,

Replicate that comfort meal,

And you couldn't do it.
You'd be, like--

Phone grandma and she,
"how are you doing?"

I said, "I'm gonna make
the kraft dinner."

She goes, "well, the first thing
you do is you take the wieners

"and put them in the water

"and you boil it
'til it turns white,

"then you take the wieners out

"and you use that same water
to make the macaroni."

[laughter]

And I said, "ahh,"

And I said,
"how much milk do you use?"

She goes, "milk, you
don't use milk, butter!"

[laughter]

"butter, well,
how much butter?"

"all of it!
All the butter."

[laughter]

And then you go back outside
and come back in at 5 o'clock,

'cause every Saturday
at 5 o'clock

It was the real cartoons,

It was the bugs bunny
road runner hour, yeah.

[laughter]

[applause]

Then had supper, and after
supper you had a bath.

Huh, and if you were the oldest
kid, it was awesome.

If you weren't the oldest,
not too good.

Why?
Oldest kids, what did they get?

Warm, clean water.

Oh, yeah, I was the oldest kid
and my sister

Didn't get that water
'til that water was done

And white just like the wiener
water when I was done.

[laughter]

And the only reason that
my sister got warm water

Is if I got cold
in the tub.

[laughter]

You'd get out and you
put on your pjs,

And your dad would
try to dry you hair

Like he was trying
to start a fire.

[laughter]

And what did you cuddle up

And watch every Saturday
with your old man?

Hockey night in canada .

Yeah, and my job was
to fix the antenna.

[laughter]

Sometimes I was the antenna.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah...

Okay, huh, huh, good, no?

Then my dad would come and
put that little foil thing

From his cigarette
in there, okay.

[laughter]

Okay, hold it there!

Hold it there 'til
the leafs win the cup.

Okay.

[laughter]

And you didn't realize there
was three periods in the hockey,

'cause you went to bed
after peter puck.

As soon as you heard
howie meekers, well, okay,

Back it up there, back it up,
kid, it's right there,

You're off to bed.
Why?

'cause you had to be rested,
'cause the next day was church.

And go to church for kinship
and fellowship and we're--

And, huh, Sunday school.

[laughter]

The first time I ever
did get in trouble

Was in Sunday school,

Because there
was a picture of jesus

And he was standing like this.

So, I wrote--
I drew a circle here;

I drew a square on this,

And two rectangles.

[laughter]

And the reverend goes,
"what are you doing?"

"jesus is a goalie."

[laughter]

He goes,
"why is, he's a goalie?"

I said, "you said
jesus saves, right?"

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pop!

Oh, yeah.

[applause]

I got smacked by him,

And I went home
and I got in trouble,

I was grounded for 3 days 'cause
I had disrespected the church.

But when my mom passed away
and I went through her stuff,

She still had that picture.

[laughter]

And you had to have
your bath before supper,

And get in your pjs,
and get set up,

Because Sunday night

You had to be
in your pjs and set up,

And it was the only day,

The only day of the week
you were allowed to sit

In front of the tv and you had
to be there before 6 o'clock,

'cause what came on at
6 o'clock every Sunday?

The wonderful world of disney .

If you're a couple
minutes early,

You got to see
some hymn sing.

You didn't understand it,
you didn't know.

[laughter]

You watch disney
and then it was

The canadian version
of bay watch

Called the beachcombers .

[laughter]

Who had long hair
and cleavage?

Jesse.
[laughter]

Then it was the irish rovers
talking about

More kinds of animals
than you've ever seen,

And then depending where
you lived or your age,

It was either gunsmoke
or bonanza ,

And then it was good
night john boy,

Good night mary ellen,
good night tazzy,

Because it was the waltons
and it was time to go to bed.

I'll tell ya three words,
three words

Could destroy your Sunday
night when you were a kid,

Three little words:

Tommy hunter special.

[laughter]

[applause]

It was a simpler time,
but I'll tell ya,

I would give almost
anything to go back there

And be there for a day,

Not the whole day.

[laughter]

I just want to stay there
till the streetlights came on,

And then I'd come back home.

Well, you know what?

I got a lot of stuff to
watch on the french channel,

So I'll see ya later.

[laughter]

[applause]

[cheering]

Jonathan: This was
so much fun, winnipeg.

Thanks for coming out
and celebrating this

Wonderful country
of not america.

Now go out and collect
your souvenir parking tickets.

Good night, everybody!
Thank you so much!

[applause]

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