All language subtitles for W.C.F.S17E04.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE_track3_[eng]

Announcer: The winnipeg
comedy festival

Proudly presents
everything's relative.

Now, the head of
our comedy family,

Your host,
dave foley!

[applause]

[applause]

Dave: Oh...

Thank you.

Oh, my goodness, aw...
Thank you all.

You know, my mother
was english, so that--

I only assume that's what
being loved feels like.

[laughter]

My name is dave foley,
and I'm guessing

That most of you probably know
me from the kids in the hall.

[applause]

Unless you were
born after 1990,

In which case you probably
know me best from,

Well, probably from right now.
Uh...

You're thinking,
"hey, aren't you guy

"that I'm currently
looking at?"

Why, yes, I am, thank you.

[laughter]

But, yeah, the kids in the hall
is obviously

What I'm best known for,
and some people have even

Described us as
the beatles of canadian comedy,

Which I think is only fair
'cause I paid well

For them to say that.
Um...

And I, of course, was
the cute one, you know?

[laughter]

Then for a little while
I was the famous one,

And after that,
I was the divorced one,

And for a long time
I was the sad one,

Followed by an equally
extended run as

The "legally prohibited
from coming to canada" one.

And nowadays I'm the...

"hey, didn't he look older
10 years ago?" one.

[laughter]

Yes, because I'm also
the "he quit drinking" one.

Thank you.
[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

So, tonight's theme is family,

Or as I like to think of it,

The original f-word.

And sure, sure, a family
doesn't have the shock value

Of the other f-word, but when
it comes right down to it,

Nothing fucks you up
like family.

[laughter]

But the cool thing about family
is that it's the one context

Where you're allowed
to be the absolute

Worst version of yourself

Without any discernible
consequences,

Because families, it's a safe
place for assholes, right?

[laughter]

You know, 'cause I recently
read a quote that said,

"family is one of nature's
great masterpieces,"

Which I think it's
more accurate to say

That family is a--
it's a decent first draft,

'cause you just think
about your own extended family,

And aren't there just
a few significant edits

You'd like to make?

And anyone who
says that humans

Don't have a
biological imperative

To love their children

Has never changed a diaper,

'cause if you did that
for literally anyone else,

It would be a deal
breaker, right?

I think if the cia
replaced waterboarding

With emptying a diaper genie,

There would be
no more terrorism.

[laughter]

You know, I know for me I had
kind of a strained relationship

With my parents when
I was younger, you know,

But I get along with them
exceedingly well now

As an adult, and I give them
full credit for that

'cause they did this
really cool thing.

They died.

[laughter]

Anybody, anybody here
got dead parents, anyone?

[clapping]
I know.

It's a sweet deal,
isn't it?

It is awesome.

Dead parents are the best.

I mean, it's sad
at first, right?

I mean, let's assume
that it's sad at first,

But once you push
through that phase,

It is just the best.

[laughter]

Everything is less
complicated, life,

Your life just
becomes streamlined.

It's like, holidays--

"honey, what do you want
to do at christmas?"

"I don't care,
my parents are dead."

[laughter]

And dead parents,
they never complain

That you don't call enough.

Dead parents never
criticize your decisions.

Dead parents never try to teach
your kids how to be racist.

[laughter]

Now, a dead parent
is a great parent,

And that's what I always
tell my daughter.

I say, "look, hon, I may not
be the greatest dad right now,

"but I promise you
when I'm dead,

"you're gonna love it."

[laughter]

Yeah, and my daughter is,
she's 14 years old now,

And by far the best
human being that I know of,

To a degree that
it makes me really

Doubt her paternity.

[laughter]

You know, and there's something
bittersweet about, you know,

Having a 14-year-old,
you know?

Having your kid
become a teenager.

They go from being
this adorable little baby,

And sometimes
I feel like I just,

I blinked
and she was a toddler,

And then when I opened
my eyes again, she's this

Beautiful young woman
saying grown up things like,

"dad, wake up, you've
been in a coma for 10 years."

[laughter]

But there are things I won't
miss about having, you know,

Really young kids, you know,

Like getting them
off to school in the morning.

You know, getting kids ready
for school, it's, you know,

It's like kicking drunks
out of your house.

[laughter]

It's true.
It takes forever,

And they make a huge mess,

And there's a really good chance
that one of these assholes

Is gonna piss himself
before they're gone.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

So, now are you guys ready
for your first performer?

Ready to see some comedy?

All right.

[applause]

Now, this comedian,
I'll be honest,

He looks a bit like me
when I was his age,

And he also
looks a bit like

A woman that I had
a one-night stand with

9 months before
he was born.

[laughter]

But I'm pretty sure what
I just said never happened,

So please welcome
mayce galoni!

[applause]

[applause]

Mayce: Hello!

Thank you
very much, everybody.

Hello, my name is mayce.

When I was 4 years old,
my parents got divorced,

Which I'm glad about.

I'm glad that it
happened then, you know,

'cause I think that that's
something that's a lot easier

To deal with the younger
you are, you know.

Like, if you're a kid
and your parents get divorced,

You get ice cream.

If you're an adult
and your parents get divorced,

You get details.

[laughter]

Like, your mom is like, "your
dad has a gambling problem,"

And your dad is like,
"I'm not your dad."

[laughter]

So, yeah, it wasn't
too bad for me.

In fact, my parents
would always brag

That they had a very
smooth divorce.

That's a weird
thing to brag about.

That's like bragging that you
had a very rhythmic seizure,

Or very quiet diarrhea.

[laughter]

It's not what the plan was,
I assume, you know?

But the weirdest part about it
is seeing the decisions

Your parents make when they
start dating, you know?

Like, my dad started dating
this girl named catherine,

And the first time we met her
we were having dinner,

And she told us
that she believed

She had telekinesis,

And then we had to watch
her stare at a fork

And try to move it
with her mind.

For 2 minutes, silently.

Just like, really, dad,
this is who you think

Is better than mom?

Magneto?

[laughter]

But my mom is great.

I love her a lot.

I will say no one is better
at embarrassing me in public

Than my mom.

Like, for her birthday
I took her to the aquarium,

And she kept referring to it
as a date the whole time.

Like, her friend
called, she's like,

"oh, I can't talk right now,
I'm on a date."

I was like, "please don't.
There are people around,

"and I don't want them
thinking that I signed up

"for cougar life,

"and picked a woman that
looks like me in a vest."

That's...

[laughter]

[applause]

I moved out from home last year,
and I'm glad I did that

'cause my mom had some
very weird habits.

Like, she would
frequently go pee

With the bathroom door
wide open,

And then start
conversations with me

While that was happening.

Yeah, like, she'd
just yell my name,

She'd go, "mayce!"

And the first time it
happened I didn't know,

I thought something was
wrong, I rushed there,

I got ambushed
by my pantless mother.

I was like, "jesus,
what's going on?"

She goes, "I needed
to ask you a question.

"are you gonna be
home for dinner?"

[laughter]

"no, I don't think I'm eating
ever again actually."

[laughter]

"can you at least
put on your vest?"

[laughter]

I also have two older sisters,

So I grew up in a house
full of women,

And there's a lot of stereotypes

About what women
are supposed to be like,

What femininity is, that
they're supposed to be quiet

And gentle and clean,

And I think that
that's too narrow.

I don't think that that defines
all of what a woman can be.

It definitely did not describe
the house that I grew up in,

'cause it was more
like a frat house.

They would fart and swear

And crush tampon boxes
on their foreheads.

[laughter]

Don't get me wrong, I think
I'm a more sensitive person

Because I had sisters,
but it's more

Because of the mean things
they said to me.

[laughter]

And they'd try to intimidate me
physically all the time, too.

Like one time when I was,
like, 7 years old,

My sister was supposed
to wash the dishes,

But she didn't want to, so as
soon as my mom left the room,

She goes, "mayce,
you wash the dishes."

And I was like,
"no, it's your turn."

And then she punched me
in the face,

And I'm not proud of
what I did next,

But I was just so mad,

I just immediately

Started washing those dishes.

[laughter]

There is a new generation
in our family now, though.

I have a nephew
that's 10 years old,

And he's the best,
I love him.

I talk to him
almost every day,

And I just love
having him around

Because there are so many
things about my life

That he appreciates that
nobody else does, you know.

Like, I told him recently

That I eat mcdonald's
almost every day,

And that's pathetic
for an adult, but I told him,

And it blew his mind.

I became his hero instantly.

He's like,
"what, you can do that?

"that's awesome.

"that's probably why
you're so good at farts."

[laughter]

But he is a very different
type of kid than I was.

Like, he's very
cool and popular.

It's hard to even give him
advice for the problems

He's having, you know.

Like, one time I
picked him from school,

And this was his problem,
he goes,

"ah, today at recess,
these two girls

"were chasing me
around the whole time,

"trying to kiss me,
and I just wanted to go

"play football
with my friends, you know?"

And I was like,
"oh yeah, I know, yeah.

"that's a tough one,
we've all been there,

"I get it."

I do not get it, but I still
try to give them advice.

Like, "hey, buddy, maybe
you could try not being

"an ungrateful prick."
you know?

[laughter]

Don't worry, I didn't
say that to my nephew,

I commented on his instagram
from a fake account, but...

[laughter]

One problem that
we're having, though

Is that he doesn't like to read.
He really hates reading.

My family is trying
to get him into it.

I thought I could
help get him into it,

'cause I loved reading
when I was a kid,

But it is a hard sell
nowadays, you know?

Like, he has these
amazing video games

With these incredible
worlds that he can explore,

And I'm trying to get
him to look at paper.

That's like trying to get
someone riding a jet ski

To switch to a canoe.

Just like, "hey, try this,
it's slower and exhausting."

[laughter]

I will play video games
with him,

But I don't like what he's
being exposed to in the games.

Like, we were playing
grand theft auto recently,

And he picked up
a prostitute in the game,

And they stay in the car,

You don't see what's
happening in there,

But he's not a dumb kid;

He knows what's
happening in there,

Which pissed me off
because...

He would not tell me.

[laughter]

Thank you very much, really,
you guys have been great.

Have a great show.

Narrator: After the break,
charles haycock

Goes to grandma's
house.

E]

Dave: This next comedian
is the kind of you guy

You want your daughter
to bring home for you to meet.

He's young, easily subdued,

And has two healthy
un-harvested kidneys.

[laughter]

You guys all traffic
human organs

With your daughter, right?

So, ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome charles haycock!

[applause]

[applause]

Charles: Oh, man,
that's pretty nice.

Thanks for that, man.

You know, my grandparents
actually grew up around here,

And... They turned out
all right, you know?

[laughter]

So that's a good thing.

And I still,
I visit them a lot,

And it's a bit of a problem

Because I enjoy it
too much, you know.

For example,
whenever I go, naturally

I'll use the bathroom
at some point,

But then the problem is

My grandma,
inside of her bathroom,

She has a cushion toilet seat,

And a stack of magazines,

And scented glowing candles,

And she says,
"charles, don't take too long."

Then don't provide
comfort, entertainment

And fragrant atmosphere.

[laughter]

If you want me to leave,
don't fulfil my dreams.

[laughter]

'cause now I'm just forced
to wait until I remember

Why I went there.

[laughter]

Oh, yeah, this ain't
no normal chair.

[laughter]

I just got so wrapped up
in this chatelaine article.

[laughter]

Apparently the ponytail
is making a comeback.

[laughter]

But that's not even
the craziest thing

Is the cushion toilet seat,

Because the craziest
thing is that my grandma

Also has a cushion

Toilet seat lid.

[laughter]

Who needs a cushion on the lid?

Who is sitting on the toilet
and not even using the toilet?

[laughter]

Sad people.

Actually you can't
cure depression,

But you can make it
private and comfortable.

[laughter]

[applause]

Uh, thanks.

[applause]

Yeah, it's kind of crazy, man,
my grandma turned 93,

So that's pretty old,
and naturally

She's losing her senses,

But the beautiful part is
that she never gives up.

When she watches tv,

She'll turn on the subtitles

And the described video also.

[laughter]

[laughter]

She's like,
"I can't hear or see,

"but maybe if I can't
hear what I can't see

"and can't see
what I can't hear,

"it'll all
come together again."

[laughter]

Don't you hate it when
your grandma gets sushi

All over your knitting sticks?

[laughter]

My grandpa,
he likes to complain,

And I enjoy it because
he's always, like, confusing,

Because in one sentence
he'll be like,

"when I was a boy,

"whole days of work
got ya $1."

And then the next sentence
he says the opposite;

He's like,
"when I was a boy,

"bicycles only cost $1."

[laughter]

"but grandpa, I think
that's how it evens out..."

[laughter]

People making more money,

Things cost equally more money?

It's a scam.

[laughter]

You know, in my day,
nobody got paid,

And everything was free.

[laughter]

It was a struggle.

[laughter]

I tell you, you went out there,
you toiled in a field

For a whole week,
you got paid one nickel.

[laughter]

And then you took that nickel

And you made
a down payment on 5 acres.

[laughter]

Later that property
sold for $3 million.

But a dollar for gas?

Suck my ass, trudeau!

[laughter]

[applause]

My grandparents, they don't
believe in expiry dates.

[laughter]

Every time I visit, man,

I'll always be
pulling out something

From the cupboard, like...

'87.

[laughter]

What day of
the month, oh no,

These croutons simply
precede my birth!

[laughter]

I think these
croutons are stale.

Grandma's like, "yeah,
that's what croutons is,

"is stale bread.
Can't get more stale

"only more crouton,"
and I'm like... [laughs]

[laughter]

[applause]

It never stops, man.

The other day I'm walking
past their kitchen,

She's trying to climb
a ladder into the attic.

I'm like, "come on,
grandma,

"you can't be climbing
ladders into attics,

"you're just too old."
she said,

"that's what grandma is
is too old,

"can't come out,
too old, only more."

"grandma, damn it,
you strike again."

[laughter]

"you're really good at this."

I kind of wish she raised me
instead of her daughter.

[laughter]

Well, all she taught me
was manners,

Not the manipulation
techniques

Of a cult leader.

[laughter]

If I have ever have kids,

Definitely giving
them to my parents.

[laughter]

They'll have a better time.

But then if my kids
give me their kids,

I didn't think this through.

[laughter]

Yeah, man, I don't know.

I just know that
if I ever had kids,

I wouldn't repeat myself,

I'd just buy a house
that echoes.

[laughter]

What for dinner?
Hotdogs.

What?
Hotdogs, hotdogs...

Hotdogs, hotdogs...

[laughter]

Yeah, thank you, thank you.

[applause]

Narrator: Up next,
defiant daughter

Shirley whalen.

[applause]

Dave: Every child
in every family

Needs an aunt like
this next comedian,

Someone funny
and cool and worldly

Who gets where they're coming
from, and more importantly

Is willing to buy
them cigarettes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
shirley whalen.

[applause]

[applause]

Shirley: Hello!

Hi, everybody, I'm shirley.
It's nice to meet you!

Um, I just lied a little bit.

It is nice to meet you,

But my name isn't
actually shirley, okay?

My real first name,
guys, get this,

Is shirley-anne.

Ew, you hear that, you hear
how trashy that sounds?

Shirley-anne!

I have a hyphenated
first name, okay?

It feels good to
get that off my chest.

In case you guys
don't have them,

I'll explain how they work.

It's when your parents
instead of giving you

Just one first name,
they give you two,

And they join them together
using the poverty line

A little bit,

And then you just sort of
straddle that forever,

So that's the life
that I'm living.

I'm from
fort mcmurray, alberta.

You guys heard of
that place?

Yeah, okay.

[applause]

So, I grew up on a diet
of exclusively

Bologna and second-hand smoke.

That's just what's
available there.

And I wasn't one of those
babies that people are, like,

Excited to bring into
the world, you know?

Like, some people get pregnant,
they throw a party,

It's like a celebration
all of a sudden.

My mom didn't get a baby shower,
she got grounded, so...

[laughter]

That's usually how it
goes in my family.

Um, I don't, I don't
want to have babies,

But my body super
does right now.

Like, I think I'm right
in that sweet spot

Between getting my braces
off and going grey,

You know, just like
peak ovaries,

If that's a thing.

So, sometimes,

Sometimes I'll say stuff
that makes it sound

Like I want babies
when I really don't,

And it kind of freaks
out my boyfriend

'cause he's also not ready,

So I just started using
the code phrase "no babies,"

And then I can say
whatever I want, right?

So, I'll give you an example.

I'll be like, "no babies,

"but what do you think
of the name audrey,

"like, just as a name?

"you know, no babies."

Or I'll be like,
"no babies,

"but I just painted
the spare room yellow.

"I just had the afternoon off,
there's a sale on paint, okay?"

Or, this one's my favourite.

I'll be like,
"no babies,

"but I stopped taking
my birth control!"

[laughter]

Let's see what happens!
Let's roll the dice.

No babies,
works every time, right.

We didn't have a lot of money
when I was growing up,

So I had barbies, but I would
lose all their clothes

All the time and we couldn't
afford to replace them,

Because apparently tiny
clothes are very expensive,

I didn't know.

So, my grandmother,
what she would do,

She would give me the foil
out of her cigarettes packages

To make barbie clothes with.

So, I just had all these
barbies in these, like,

Flashy dumaurier
tube dresses, you know.

[laughter]

Another thing about my family,

I have an ex-step dad.
Ww, again!

Ex-step dad ,

That's like all the worst
things you can be in one man,

I'm pretty sure.

[laughter]

Like, okay, okay,
when you're a kid

And your parents get divorced,

That's kind of a traumatic
experience for you, right?

But when your mom
divorces your step dad,

It's more like,
"well, I told you so."

Like, "let's get this
loser out of here."

My step-dad, though,
is really cute.

He sat me down, he's like,
"you know what, shirley?

"just because me and your mom
can't work things out,

"it doesn't mean that
I don't love you anymore."

And I was like,
"buddy...

"I never loved you!

"surprise!"

Like, you think I cried
on your wedding day

Because it was so beautiful?

Like, come on.
That is not why, guys.

So, me and my mom,
we moved out of his house

And into a stripper's basement
in barrie, ontario.

Best place I ever lived, okay,

Because not only did
that stripper teach me

How to shave
my own butthole--

Very important,
gotta get the butthole-

No, I'm kidding,

You guys can be as hairy
as you want, it's fine, um...

But she also had a little
thing in her house

Called the internet, okay,

And it was the first time in
my life that we ever had that,

And the first thing that I did
with my newfound power,

I found myself a new dad
online, true story, okay?

I made my mom an online dating
profile on lavalife.Com,

And she got a ton of messages

Because under her special
interests I wrote,

"woodworking,"
winky face.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

You guys can use that one if
you want to, 'cause it worked,

It totally worked, she met
a man that she's been with now

For 14 years,

And I take full credit
for that, I do.

Thank you!

[applause]

But that made it
impossible for her

To win another
argument, right?

'cause she would try to get mad
at me for stuff in high school,

And I'd just be like,
"oh, I'm sorry,

"you found my weed,
I found your soulmate,

"like... Get out of my room."

But despite everything
that I said

About my mom so far tonight,
she's actually an amazing woman.

We have a great relationship.

She's actually
a professional opera singer,

Which I think is very cool.

She's had two operas
written for her.

She sang at the governor
general's awards once,

Like, she's a way bigger hit
than me at parties.

When I was a kid
and people would find out

That my mom's an opera singer,

They'd often ask
the same question:

"why are you poor?"

And I'd just be like,
"I don't know.

"when was the last time
you went to the opera?"

Like, that's the last time
I ate, okay?

It is not
a lucrative business.

[laughter]

But my mom taught me one
very important lesson in life,

And that is to do
what you love,

Which is why now
I make fun of her!

[laughter]

Thanks so much
for listening!

I'm shirley.

[applause]

Narrator: When we return,
the son is up.

Joe vu is next!

[applause]

Dave: You can tell this comedian
really loves his family

By how often he includes
them in his material,

And you can tell how much
his family loves

Being the butt of
his jokes by the fact

That none of them
are here tonight.

Please welcome joe vu!

[applause]

[applause]

Joe: Thank you.

Thank you so much.

So, my name's joe,

And about a year
and a half ago

I quit my job in advertising,

So I had more time
to do stand-up comedy.

Thank you for the applause,
thank you.

Thank you.
[light applause]

Now, I told my parents,
I got the exact same silence.

They were like, "have you
forgotten that you're asian?"

[laughter]

Because asian people
are not funny people.

We are doctors,
lawyers, dentists.

Maybe we know this,
maybe innately we know

We're not funny.

That's why we choose to be
doctors, lawyers and dentists.

It's like, we all got together
and we asked ourselves,

Where is there
no laughter?

[laughter]

Yeah, let's do that,
that sounds fun.

And I'm like,
"but dad, my dream,

"my dream is to be
a stand-up comic."

He's like, "dreams,

"dreams are for white people."

[laughter]

And maybe I could have
compromised being a lawyer,

But a funny lawyer,

Be in a courtroom
and say things like,

"what's the deal
with armed robbery?

"because everyone who
commits robberies has arms,

"but not every who has arms
commits the robberies."

[laughter]

And then the jury would be
like, "ha-ha-ha-ha!"

[laughter]

"we find the defendant
not guilty,

"and the defendant's
lawyer hilarious."

[laughter]

I don't know if your
parents are like mine,

Or maybe you are the parent,
but my parents

Don't know anything
about technology.

Like, they'll organize
all the technology they know

Into different drawers,

In case they might
need it one day.

I once opened the drawer,

I found 15 different
remote controls,

15 different remote controls

And one calculator.

Like, they can't tell
the difference between

A remote control
and a calculator.

Sometimes I expect to
come home and see my mom

Holding a calculator to
her head and being like,

"hello, is anyone there?

"I can't hear you."

And I'd be, like, "mom,
that's how you use it.

"press ce to hang-up

"and now press
the numbers again."

[laughter]

Recently my mom asked me

How she could look
at her internet history,

So she could visit websites
that she's looked at before,

And I taught her, she learned,
everything was great.

A couple weeks later,
my dad asked me

How he can hide the websites
that he visits.

[laughter]

A couple weeks after that,
my mom asked me,

"how do you know if someone's
trying to hide the websites

"that they visit?"

[laughter]

So, I'm an immigrant,

That means my parents
have done a lot for me,

Like, more than I could
ever do for them,

And it's always hard complaining
to immigrant parents

Because your problems
sound so trivial,

And ii'll be like,
"dad, my internet,

"it's the worst.

"sometimes I get disconnected,

"I'll lose the poker
hand I'm playing."

[laughter]

He's like, "yeah, son,
that does sound like the worst.

"that reminds me of the time
I had to sew jewellery

"into your mom's armpits,
so we could have something

"to bargain with for our lives
as we were escaping

"vietnam on a boat."

[laughter]

"yeah, okay, you win
this one, dad."

Or he'll be like, "why don't
you visit me more often?"

I'm like, "dad, did you
look at the weather report?

"there's supposed to be, like,
a 40% chance of snow,

"I can't risk that."
he's like, "you're right, son,

"that does sound too risky.

"that risk, that reminds me
of the time I had to risk

"a 40% of dying, the pirates,
storms, starvation,

"but we don't want you
to risk... Snow."

[laughter]

And, like, these are
the sacrifices my parents made,

The risks they took
so I could live in canada,

And repay them by being
a stand-up comedian.

[laughter]

[applause]

And the only thing
my parents want in return

Is that I give them
grandchildren,

So they're always setting
me up on blind dates.

I'm not always onboard,
so they'll try to sell it to me.

Like, my dad thinks
he's an excellent salesman.

He'll say things like,
"joe, you should date this girl,

"you'll like her,
she's got big boobs."

[laughter]

"like your mom's."

[laughter]

"really, that's how
you're gonna sell it?"

I like boobs, I do,

But don't throw
the word "mom" in front of it.

Mom boobs, not cool,
dad, not cool.

[laughter]

Like the way a father and a son
see mom is different, right?

To help him understand him,
I gave him an example.

I was like, "dad, yeah,
I'm dating this girl,

"you'll really like her,
she's got great boobs,

"like grandma's."

Huh?
Huh, how do you like that?

Yeah, not so sexy when I made
it about your mom, eh, dad?

[laughter]

Thank so much, guys!
My name is joe!

[applause]

Dave: This next comedian
currently resides in England,

Or as I like to think of it,

Canada's distant
alcoholic mother.

Please welcome
dana alexander!

[applause]

[applause]

Dana: Yes, good
to see you guys.

So family, family, family.

You know you're getting older

When your friends start to have
babies on purpose, you know?

[laughter]

I'm actually getting
to the age where not only

Are the older people
in my family

Putting pressure on me
to have kids,

The younger kids are as well,
my little cousins,

They won't even fight in
front of me anymore, right.

I caught them fighting
the other day,

The older one said
to the younger one,

"you're the reason
why auntie dana

"doesn't want
to have children."

[laughter]

I said, "that's not true."

I said, "the reason
I don't want to have kids

"is 'cause I like to travel,

"and I don't want to be poor."

[laughter]

These kids, though, these kids
have way more than what we had.

Do you know you can
go to a movie in 4dx now?

First of all, I didn't even
understand what a 3d movie was.

I'm like, "a 3d movie?
Isn't that a play?"

[laughter]

Where'd you
get this extra d?

Where'd you
get this extra x?

I found out.
I went to see black panther.

I'm telling you,
there is wind in the theatre,

The chair rumbles, things punch
you in your back, you know,

Air blows by your head
when bullets whiz by.

There's even aroma

That comes into
the theatre, right?

In one scene in the movie,
they're in the american ghetto,

And these two kids next to me,
the one says,

"do you smell weed, fam?"

[laughter]

Said, "yeah, they put the scents
in this movie and everything."

Then I just zipped up my bag.

[laughter]

[applause]

This generation even
got a black annie.

Did you guys see that when
americans made annie black?

Ho-ho-ho!

White people in america
lost their minds.

"if they can
have a black annie,

"why can't we have
a white roots?"

[laughter]

Roots?

The slavery movie?

I'm like, wasn't a white
jesus enough for you?

[laughter]

[applause]

Personally, I was excited.

I was one of the kids
who actually

Got to have a black doll.

Do you know how hard it is
to find a black doll

In edmonton in 1986?

My grandfather had to import
this doll from new york,

Send it all the way
over from toronto.

Basically, my doll travelled
longer than gandhi

To get to me, right.

Because it's true,
you gotta get a doll

That kind of looks
like your kids, right.

You don't need
some aryan doll

Messing up your brown
self-esteem all your life,

You know what I mean?

So, I had this one brown doll
my entire life.

I played with her
until she was dead, like,

This doll looks so messed up,
you know what I mean?

By the time I was finished
with her, her hair was just,

Like, one deadlock.

Her right leg was hanging on
by, like, one stitch.

And you don't need--
do you remember those dolls

That used to sit up
and their eyes opened

And eventually
that eye goes, right.

This doll trying to
assert my beauty is like,

"you're beautiful, girl."

[laughter]

"don't listen to them."

[laughter]

But I was a tomboy, right?

I was such a tomboy, like,
but I want to play with a robot.

"you're a lesbian!"

[laughter]

And they gotta trick
these little girls

With all this disney nonsense
their entire life, right?

Some day your prince will come?
That's a lie as well.

Do you know your
prince is at that age?

He's in the corner and he thinks
he's a ninja turtle, girl.

[laughter]

I probably shouldn't have kids,
do you know what I mean?

I didn't realize this
about myself

Until I started babysitting
little white kids,

The power of
black lady stink eye.

Like, I babysit a white kid,

I don't even have
to move, right?

I just give brianna a look,

And she get the hell off
the counter, let me tell you.

[laughter]

But that does not work
on black kids, right?

Even, you can't even
use a white voice

On my little cousins, right,
especially at that age.

"excuse me, stephan, could you
please come off the counter?"

"naaah!"

"me said to
come off 'de counter!"

[laughter]

Gotta do this fake
jamaican voice

To get this kid to come down.

Oh, my gosh.

And I feel for the parents
out there, right?

I don't know how people
have multiple children

Under the age of 3.

I remember looking after
my little cousins 1, 2, and 7.

You ever look after a 1-
and 2-year-old little boy?

You can't even pee with the door
shut, you know what I mean?

I'm sitting there on the toilet,
watching them--

"that is sharp, that is hot,
get off the table!

"that is the gas!
Turn that off!"

[laughter]

You guys have been
absolutely fantastic.

Take care and have
a good night, winnipeg.

Narrator: Still to come,
husband of the year,

Scott
faulconbridge.

[applause]

Dave: You know, they say
an ounce of blood

Is worth more than
a pound of friendship.

But do you know
what's more valuable

Than either of these things?

Cocaine.

Oh, people pay top dollar
for that stuff.

Anyone holding?

No, okay, well, then welcome
scott faulconbridge!

[applause]

[applause]

Scott: All right.

My name is scott.

Everyone say,
"hi, scott."

Audience: Hi, scott!

Scott: Cool.
It's good to be loved.

I just had a dna
ancestry test done,

And it turns out,

I'm white.

[laughter]

Actually, I'm 25% viking

And 75% people that
cannot outrun vikings.

[laughter]

I'm married, thank you.

I've learned a lot
being married.

I've learned it's not
good to be funny...

[laughter]

...All the time.
In fact, there's times

Where you really shouldn't
be funny at all.

For example, my wife,

Who is a redhead,
recently said to me,

"do you think I should
get my hair died blond?"

And I probably should
have said nothing.

But instead what I said was,
"well, you know me,

"I'll sleep with anything."

[laughter]

[applause]

And if you tell your wife that
you will sleep with anything,

You will sleep with nothing.

[laughter]

For a long, long time.

I also learn when you
getting the silent treatment,

That it's wrong to enjoy it.

[laughter]

There's no smiling during
the silent treatment.

[laughter]

Also, don't say
smartass things

When you're getting
the silent treatment.

Don't say things like, well, it
sure is nice and quiet in here.

[laughter]

'cause then it's gonna
get really loud...

Really quickly.

Don't try to take advantage
of the silent treatment.

Don't use it as an excuse
to invite your friends over.

[laughter]

And if you do,
don't promise them

An interruption-free
game of poker.

[laughter]

If you do that,
don't expect sandwiches,

And if there are,
don't eat the sandwiches.

[laughter]

I used to get in trouble.

I didn't mean
to get in trouble,

I'd just say the wrong thing
and then it would come out

And then it was too late.

Like, we were
at a party one time,

And all I said was,

"what's that noise?"

That's all I said:
"what's that noise?"

And angrily, she replied,

"oh, that's just me talking."

[laughter]

And I probably should
have said nothing.

But instead, what I said
was, "oh, there it goes again."

[laughter]

[applause]

I hate my wife's friends.

We had one over for dinner,

And my wife had done
all the cooking,

So I started to clean up,
'cause that's how we do it,

If one does one
and the other does the other.

My wife's friend goes,
"oh, you're well trained."

[laughter]

I did not like being
talked to like I was a dog,

So I peed in her purse.

[laughter]

I've learned the
secret to marriage,

Ladies and gentlemen.

This is the secret to marriage:

Little things make
a huge difference.

Little thing--
huge difference.

For example,
I have these slippers.

They would squeak
whenever I walked,

Really annoying my--

I went out, I got new slippers,
my wife noticed right away.

She said, "oh, thank god
you got new slippers,

"'cause I was gonna
stab you in the face."

[laughter]

Little change,
huge difference!

[laughter]

No face stabbin'!

[laughter]

She's passive-aggressive.

I don't know if you have
that problem with my wife.

[laughter]

Give you an example, just
the two of us alone in room,

No one else is in the room,

And all of a sudden she goes,

"I wish somebody...

"would get me...

"some chocolate."

[laughter]

And I start looking
around the room...

[laughter]

...'cause there's
nobody else in the room.

[laughter]

I don't know who
this somebody is,

But he better hurry up.

[laughter]

So I say the only thing
you can possibly say

In this circumstance,

I said,
"would you like me...

[laughter]

"...To get you some chocolate?"

And this is what she said,
she says,

"mmm... No."

[laughter]

That is witchcraft.

[laughter]

You think it would be funny
if the roles were reversed,

Just the two of us
alone in a room,

And all of a sudden I go,
"I wish somebody...

"...Would get me...

"...A blow job."

[laughter]

And she'd go,
"would you like me...

[laughter]

"...To get you a blow job?"

And I went, "mmm, no."

[laughter]

[applause]

"I want somebody,

"but I don't want you."

[laughter]

You folks have been awesome.

Thanks so much!

Have a good night!

[applause]

[applause]

Dave: Well, folks,
that's our show.

Now, before you go,

I want you to know that
no matter how dysfunctional

Or screwed up
your family is,

Take some comfort
in the knowledge

That it's probably
largely your fault.

Goodnight, everybody!

[applause]

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