All language subtitles for Hold Me Closer Tiny Cancer (FULL SPECIAL)

Hey everybody, I'm

the guy you came to see.

What I thought I would do is, yeah, just

give you a little briefing,

because I know most comedians, they can

talk about cancer and stuff like that.

But as you'll see when I get on stage, I

don't give a good first impression.

(laughter)

He's not super ugly, but he...

(laughter)

You probably

described my face as abrasive.

This voice has the same intensity and

tone quality as the sound

on the film which follows.

Like, I wouldn't kiss it, but I'd use it

to sand down my window system.

Real home improvement, hey?

One of the million reasons

why I've never been on TV.

Like, I'm not good looking enough for TV,

yet I'm not ugly enough

for you to feel sorry for me.

You're like, that guy

could still bang an 8.

And I have.

I'll tell you about after the show.

Also, before we start, I thought I'd just

let you know, just because he

shows about cancer and stuff,

doesn't mean you're gonna learn anything.

If you want to get better at life, do not

see a comedy show

with Nick Capper in it.

You should see a life coach.

So what I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna do a red hot joke.

I'm gonna start the show, do a red hot

joke, then we're gonna

get into the heavy shit.

Are you guys cool with that?

Yeah!

Let's start the show!

Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Capper!

[cheers and applause]

Is everyone here familiar with the film

screen actor Tom Hanks?

Get this right.

In 1996, Tom Hanks had a

film called "You've Got Mail".

Four years later, he does a film called

"Castaway", where he delivers a parcel.

17 years later, he does

a film called "The Post".

Everybody only wants to see this!

What's Tom Hanks's success with the mail?

What's his next film gonna be?

I want to have sex with the mail.

Anyway, before I got cancer, I thought

about suicide quite a lot.

No, I didn't think about it all the time.

It was like when you see

Tiramisu on the dessert menu.

Like, "Oh, it's a good option. Don't know

if I'll follow through."

It's a bad sleep for everybody.

I don't know if that's a good metaphor.

No, I wasn't

suicidal, but I was quite sad.

It was about two years ago. I was age 39.

I guess I'd realised that age 39, I'd

never been promoted in my whole life.

It only worked entry-level jobs. Picking

up boxes, labour, stuff like that.

My whole life.

I also was doing comedy a lot, but still,

I don't know, I was good at one stage,

but then I stopped progressing

and I kind of became stagnant.

I started to hate

comedy. That hasn't changed.

[LAUGHTER]

So this kind of, I guess, my parents and

my partner, they were cool with it,

but they were like, "Hey,

Nick, how about you level up?

Let's just make it so

we're not worried about you.

We love what you're doing,

but just, hey, let's just stop.

We're just worried."

Another reason why I was a bit depressed

was because I was in,

like due to COVID-19, I was in one of the

world's biggest lockdowns, right,

which we all went through.

And I don't know.

The only thing that helped me out was

going mountain biking.

Because when you're a 39-year-old

straight white male and you're sad,

you come to a

four-pronged fork in the road.

You either commit suicide...

[LAUGHTER]

You have an affair...

Take up golf...

Or you go mountain biking, right?

And I'm pretty sure the last tour only

there to take your

mind off the first tour.

[LAUGHTER]

Because really, you

just want to do them all.

Give it to me.

I want to do them all.

Hey.

[LAUGHTER]

No, I'd never do golf.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I look like a

boring dumb fuck to you.

Huh?

[LAUGHTER]

So I was riding my mountain bike, and

when I was riding it,

I noticed a bit of a

sensitivity in my left testicle.

And I thought, "Oh, whoa, I haven't

noticed this before."

But I was on the doll.

[LAUGHTER]

You play with your balls a lot more.

[LAUGHTER]

I wouldn't notice if there was a hair out

of place, to be honest.

[LAUGHTER]

And I thought, "Okay, I'm going to go see

a doctor about this."

And my partner nearly fell over.

She's like, "Whoa, 39

years on this earth,

you are finally

voluntarily going to see a doctor."

And I said, "Yeah, babe, I'm

going to be a man about this."

But really, I just

wanted to see another face.

Like, it was just something to do, right?

When are the doctors?

The doctor said, "Nick, we found a lesion

on one of your testicles."

And I'm like, "Whew!"

[LAUGHTER]

"I thought you were going

to tell me I got cancer."

[LAUGHTER]

And he's like, "You've got cancer."

[LAUGHTER]

It was like buying a

ticket to Georgia the Jungle

and then found out you actually bought a

ticket to Georgia the Jungle, too.

[LAUGHTER]

And then when you get to the cinema, the

usher goes, "You've got cancer."

[LAUGHTER]

I don't know if that's

a good metaphor, either.

[LAUGHTER]

A lot of things come into your head when

you get told you got cancer.

I know this sounds

ridiculous, but it's very unexpected.

Other things that happen in your life

that are bad, you can

kind of see them coming.

Like, if you have a car crash or a fight

with your partner, you're like,

"Oh, yeah, that was

kind of on the horizon."

But cancer, it totally surprises you.

It's like when I was learning Spanish,

and I learned the word

for "left" is "izquierda."

[LAUGHTER]

Did not see that coming, right?

[LAUGHTER]

Like, right is "directure," you know?

And straight is "directure."

"Izquierda."

"Qué pasa."

It's like the unwanted child of the

Spanish Direction family, you know?

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, so that in

cancer really startled me.

[LAUGHTER]

But the doctor said, "Look, Nick, you got

testicular cancer, right?

That's the best of a bad bunch."

He's like, "Out of

destiny's child, you got Beyoncé."

[LAUGHTER]

You should see people when

I tell them they got Kelly.

[LAUGHTER]

It's definitely terminal.

[LAUGHTER]

We got a couple of Kelly

Rollins fans in, do we?

[LAUGHTER]

I like dilemma as well, only because I'm

a Nelly fan, but I am...

[LAUGHTER]

The doctor said, "Don't worry, Nick.

All we've got to do right now is we've

just got to take one of

your testicles out, right?

Then we can determine

how much cancer you've got.

But it's all good.

The testicle we take out, we can replace

it with a fake rubber one,

just to make things look a bit better."

And I said to the

doctor, "You've seen testicles.

I've seen testicles.

They're not going to

look any better, all right?"

[LAUGHTER]

He's like, "Oh, look at this disgusting

dog shit on the ground.

Oh, hey, let's put

another one next to it."

[LAUGHTER]

"That looks better, all right?"

[LAUGHTER]

He said, "No, it can just make things

look a bit more even, you

know, for your partner."

I said, "I don't know if my partner's

that fond of symmetry."

[LAUGHTER]

"Also, have you seen a ball sack?

It never looks even."

[LAUGHTER]

"You can have four balls in there."

And he's like, "Is there one or three?

I don't know."

[LAUGHTER]

"The lady's loving that one, huh?"

[LAUGHTER]

"It's about time someone talked about the

unevenness of ball sacks.

Finally, a king to lead us."

[LAUGHTER]

And the doctor said, "No, it could be

scary if your partner goes down there

and finds out you've got one testicle."

I said, "If there's anything more

harrowing than my partner finding out

I've got one testicle,

it's her finding out one

of them's a rubber ball."

[LAUGHTER]

"The lady then turns her pelvic floor

into the rear wall of a squash court."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I don't usually do that one, but I

thought, "Hey, we got the camera rolling.

Let's go to Hollywood, baby."

[LAUGHTER]

I was like, "Why would you take the bad

one out and replace

it with a useless one?"

You know, that's like firing a

problematic employee,

and in their office you just

replace them with a rubber ball.

[LAUGHTER]

You go, "Hey, how's the new guy going?"

You go, "I don't know,

bounce around some ideas."

[LAUGHTER]

I was like, "I've got

the spare space down there.

Why don't you put something useful, like

a first aid kit, or my travel card?"

[LAUGHTER]

"All right, officer, I'll get off."

[LAUGHTER]

In Perth, they call it the smart rider.

[LAUGHTER]

Makes you think, "Um, fuck."

I was like, "Don't do

that bit in the taping."

[LAUGHTER]

And I did.

But they said, "Nick,

before we take your testicle out,

what you should do is you

should get your sperm frozen

just in case anything goes wrong."

And to do that, I had

to go to a sperm clinic.

Now, going to a sperm

clinic is very, very scary, okay?

Because let me put it this way, right?

I know probably all you guys have

masturbated, all right?

Especially glasses here and...

[LAUGHTER]

old mustache.

[LAUGHTER]

And you guys definitely know

that I've masturbated, right?

[LAUGHTER]

None of you know me, but somehow...

[LAUGHTER]

you know that.

You're like, "Old abrasive face."

I don't know.

Shit, T-shirt.

I mean, collared shirt has

been through some lonely times.

And you're correct.

[LAUGHTER]

And you know I'm going to do it again.

[LAUGHTER]

And I know that you're

going to do it again.

But if in the comforts us all is,

we don't know when and where...

[LAUGHTER]

Hey.

Like, I don't know when

you're going to do it again.

You don't know when

he's going to do it again,

he doesn't know when

she's going to do it again.

I don't know when you're

going to do it again, Home Viewer.

You're probably doing it now.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

He, she doesn't know when

she's going to do it again.

He's going to do it again.

He doesn't know when

I'm going to do it again.

But the dude at the sperm clinic,

(audience laughing)

he knows.

(audience laughing)

He's like, after you fill out that form,

you're going to make the

worst face ever behind that door.

And we all know that.

(audience laughing)

What made it even more terrifying was,

it was during the COVID lockdowns

and we couldn't find a

sperm clinic that was open.

And my partner and I had this

conversation verbatim.

She rang me, I'm not making this up.

She rang me and said,

"Nick, I got good news and bad news."

The good news is we found

a sperm clinic that's open.

The bad news is it's at

the children's hospital.

(audience laughing)

Are you comfortable?

With masturbating at

the children's hospital.

(audience laughing)

I said, "Look, usually I

wouldn't be comfortable

"and thank you for asking."

(audience laughing)

But as a 39 year old man,

it's probably the only

place I haven't jerked off,

to be honest.

(audience laughing)

Like that's one of the last on the list.

(audience laughing)

Like after children's

hospital, there's only two left.

And that's the morgue and movie world.

(audience laughing)

I did see world and dream

world, got the super pass.

(audience laughing)

It was a great day.

(audience laughing)

Before we went in, right, we pulled up

and it wasn't at the

children's hospital at all.

It was at the women's hospital.

I'm like, "Fwah, this is

gonna be a whole lot easier.

"I might even rub one out in reception."

(audience laughing)

But before I went in, my partner said,

"Hey Nick, how would you

like a sexy photo of me

"to get you going?"

A sexy photo.

I said, "Oh babe, I've

been in lockdown with you

"for two years."

(audience laughing)

I just wanna see a photo

of you not in track pants

or on the toilet.

And I will blow the back

out of that sample block.

(audience laughing)

They're gonna have to

double cup it like a hot latte.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, I went in there and I was like,

I wonder what kind of

pornographic material

they're gonna have to get me going.

They had no pornographic material at all.

They just had two

charcoal drawings of nude women

and then a painting of

an old French port town.

(audience laughing)

And I'm like, "Oh, lucky I haven't

traveled in a while."

(audience laughing)

Imagine going to a country

you don't know the language.

(audience laughing)

Imagine using your passport.

(audience laughing)

And they're like, "Oh, close the door."

(audience laughing)

You haven't even put the gown on yet.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

So yeah, after that,

they took my testicle.

They removed it.

For those that don't

know, it's very painful.

It's quite painful,

because they don't cut you at the sack,

they cut you at the stomach.

So they don't go by the bridge,

they go by the harbor tongue.

(audience laughing)

Getting your testicle

removed is extremely painful.

Like, Hitler only had one testicle.

I'm not gonna defend his actions.

(audience laughing)

However, I know why I was angry.

(audience laughing)

After three weeks in bed, I was like,

"I'll invade Poland."

(audience laughing)

"I'll kill all the races."

(screaming)

(audience laughing)

No, I was like that before it.

(audience laughing)

Regional background vote national.

(audience laughing)

I'll talk to you about it after the show.

(audience laughing)

But something that helped me was,

has anyone here had endone?

Yeah, anyone here around

age 39 that has had endone?

Yeah, I don't wanna be rude,

but how old are you, sorry?

You're 40, you get endone.

You get it.

It's so good, because

when you're younger,

you want drugs where you're like,

"Oh, I wanna hallucinate,

I wanna see sharks fly."

Or, "I wanna snort this

and talk about Bitcoin

for the next four hours."

(audience laughing)

But when you get to 39 and all your

dreams have been crushed,

you're like, "Just knock me out."

I just wanna feel numb.

Make tomorrow come quicker.

(audience laughing)

I've been backpacking, I've done A and

all, both overrated.

(audience laughing)

Now let me just wake

up with missing time.

(audience laughing)

Is that your experience?

Not quite, okay.

(audience laughing)

A prude at a Nick

Capper show, who would have thought?

(audience laughing)

Can you say prude anymore?

I don't know, fuck, I'm 40.

But I...

(audience laughing)

But I was thinking

about this the other day.

I don't know where my testicle is now.

(audience laughing)

Like I don't.

And don't get me wrong, it

doesn't keep me up at night.

But for 39 years, I knew.

(audience laughing)

Like it could be anywhere.

Like most likely it's in a lab or a bin.

Or maybe someone's painted a face on it

and called it Wilson.

(audience laughing)

Or maybe it's on a gondola in Italy.

And it's got little

arms and it's paddling.

(audience laughing)

Paddling through the water.

And it's eating from a charcuterie board

and it's going wee wee.

(audience laughing)

That's French, but who cares?

(audience laughing)

It's Europe.

Or maybe it's on a

beach in the Philippines

next to some old tires.

Because I don't know

if you guys knew this,

but when you trade in

your secondhand tires,

what a lot of the tire

shops do is they send them away

to countries like the Philippines

and they put them on these islands.

And then those tires fill up with water

and then that attracts mosquitoes

and then the

surrounding towns and villages

get dengue fever.

So yeah, maybe my testicles there.

(audience laughing)

Ah, you thought this show was about

cancer awareness, huh?

But really it's about waste management.

Think about that before you do a burnout

next time you'll fuck.

(audience laughing)

So they analyzed my

testicles and they said,

"Congratulations, Nick.

"You have no cancer left in your body.

"You're fine."

And it was so great

because I got it early

and it was just something to do,

I managed to beat it.

I didn't even have to do any,

I just had to be in bed for three weeks.

I didn't have to do chemotherapy.

I didn't die.

I didn't have to be in

hospital for years on end.

I avoided the whole nightmare of cancer

because I got it early.

And one of my only attributes as a person

is that I never wanna make a fuss.

I'm never really in a bad mood.

I never wanna annoy people, whatever.

So I just didn't tell anybody.

I only told close family and friends.

That's it.

And they said, "Nick, you're a survivor."

And I was like, "No, I do

not feel like a survivor.

"I feel like an imposter."

Like, didn't even feel like I had cancer.

It just felt like

getting a big tooth taken out,

a big tooth full of semen.

(audience laughing)

A good friend of mine that

you might've seen earlier,

a good friend of mine

who I do a podcast with,

Mike Goldstein, he said, "Nick, you

wouldn't believe it,

"but I've been

approached by a suit company,

"Politix Suits."

And they said, "If I post a photo of me

"in one of their suits

talking about men's health,

"that will give me a free suit."

And I told him that I had a friend

that was going through

a men's health issue.

And look, I know you

don't wanna tell anybody.

And before he could

even finish, I was like,

"Brother, give me

that fucking free suit."

(audience laughing)

And yeah, I got that suit, right?

(audience cheering)

Yeah, it looks good, huh?

It's Politix Suits.

The reason, oh.

The reason I rolled over so quickly

is because I thought

Politix Suits were like

high class suits.

But as I found out,

they're only one level up

from Tarocash.

(audience laughing)

Like, these are the suits you wear

when you wanna finger

people at the races.

(audience laughing)

I wanted the Porsche

and I got the MX-5, right?

It is a nice suit, I really do like it.

And I posted a photo of me in the suit

talking about men's health.

Oh shit, is it the collar?

Oh fuck.

I did that in another recording,

just had the collar up the whole time.

(audience laughing)
And the recording was beautiful.

The crowd were way better than you guys.

(audience laughing)

No, no, no, no.

They were all right, they

were from Newcastle a bit.

(audience laughing)

What was he talking about, Politix Suits?

Oh yeah.

So I posted the photo of me in the suit

with the message that I told you earlier.

Get it early.

And that's what I'm

saying to you guys today.

Get your breast checked,

get your testicles checked,

get it all checked early.

And then you will escape

the nightmare of cancer,

like what I did.

And the response was amazing.

People were writing to me going,

hey mate, I'm gonna go check now,

everything like that.

And my partner said, look,

it's creating great awareness.

She's like, maybe you

should do standup about it.

I was like, I would never do standup

about having cancer.

(audience laughing) Like I don't want

people to feel sorry for me.

I would never use it as a crutch.

I would never put it on a poster

and sell out a show at

five o'clock on Saturday

in the afternoon.

(audience laughing)

I would never do any

of those greedy things.

(audience laughing)

She said, no, no, you should do it.

So I went to an open

mic, I sat in the car,

took about 10 deep

breaths, looked over my notes,

and then I went and did a lot of the bits

that you guys saw earlier

about getting my testicles cut out.

And it went great.

It went really good.

And I started enjoying comedy again.

And people started

booking me for a lot more gigs.

And things started going really well.

And a friend of mine, Ben Knight, said,

hey Nick, would you

like to do a show with me

at Adelaide Fringe?

And I said, look man, I just nearly died.

I don't know if I'm

ready to lose money yet.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

But we went there and I

reckon we were the first guys ever

to make money at a Fringe Festival.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

All the shows sold

really well, it went great.

Things were going so good

that my testicles started growing back.

(audience laughing)

I'm not kidding.

It was growing back and I rang the doctor

and I said, hey mate,

I've got some stomach pains

and my testicle is growing back.

And he said, oh, the

stomach pains, that's scar tissue.

You had quite a hefty operation.

And I said, what about the testicle?

And then I could just hear

him googling it over the phone.

(audience laughing)

I'm like, don't bother brother.

I already did that 10 times.

I even asked Jeeves.

(audience laughing)

Wonder what Alta Vista says about this.

(audience laughing)

He said, look, don't

worry about it, it's fine.

When you get back from

Adelaide, we'll have a look at it.

So I was in Adelaide and

I was at a variety show.

And there was a comedian

there, his name's Ethan.

He was a good comedian, he's only a

couple of months in.

And he did a set and he got off stage

and he was wearing this beautiful suit.

And I went up to him

and I said, hey mate,

that is a really nice suit.

Where'd you get it from?

And he goes, oh, you wouldn't believe it.

I got it for free from politics suits.

(audience laughing)

And I'm like, oh man, did

you get testicular cancer?

And he goes, no, I just

wrote him a nice email.

(audience laughing)

I said, I'm a new

comedian just starting up.

I was wondering if you guys

could send me a free suit.

And they did Nick.

How did you get yours?

And I'm like, I gave my

fucking left nut for this suit.

(audience laughing)

They took his key earner.

Adios amigo!

(audience laughing)

My favorite.

I get back from Adelaide

and the phone keeps ringing

with opportunities.

And this time it was a

big one, quite a big one.

It doesn't sound that

big, but it was to direct

a clothing ad and also

be in the clothing ad

for like a skateboard brand.

And they said, oh, Nick,

we're gonna fly to Sydney.

And we're gonna shoot the
ad, you're gonna help write it,

direct it, direct it. Help
write it, direct it, be in it.

Total creative control.

And they were paying

me a fair bit of money.

So I was like, hell yeah.

I said, before I go to Sydney,

I'll just go to the

doctors, you know, on the Friday.

Went into the doctors on

the Friday, said, Nick,

your blood level is 12

times as high as what it was.

And I'm like, oh, that's good.

I thought you were gonna

tell me I got cancer again.

And he's like, you've got cancer again.

(audience laughing)

This time it's 12 times as bad.

He said, all of that

pains in the stomach,

that's all cancer.

He said, that testicle you

thought you were growing back,

that's also cancer.

It's really bad, Nick.

We don't have any more information

till we get some scans back on Monday.

Have a good weekend.

(audience laughing)

So as I said before, I'm quite resilient.

Never make a fuss, but

I walked out of there.

And for some reason, my parents called me

about a minute later.

And the moment they said, how you going?

I broke down.

I started crying right in

the middle of the street,

just crying like the cancer's back.

It's 12 times as bad.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Please don't tell anybody

till we know more on Monday.

And then I had to fly to

Sydney, do my dream job,

writing comedy, acting in comedy,

hanging out with these

skateboarders, drinking beers.

But every half an hour, I just

had to go to a private space,

somewhere private, like a toilet cubicle

or something like that,

and just rebuild that wall of resilience

and paint a smile on my

face and head back out there.

Because I didn't know what lied ahead.

I thought, maybe I'm going to die

or maybe they're gonna

remove some of my limbs

or my organs or something.

Either way, I knew it

was gonna be a bad thing

that might change the rest of my life.

And it was the worst weekend ever.

The whole weekend was

just a pit of uncertainty.

And I got into the doctors on Monday,

and the doctor said,

"Nick, you're gonna have to

start doing chemotherapy."

So now the nightmare was real.

He said, "But don't worry Nick,

we've got a 96% chance of curing you."

I said, "Oh great, I'm

looking at one of the greatest

medical minds in Australia,

and the prick still

doesn't know how to round up."

(audience laughing)

Because I'm not thinking of the 96,

I'm thinking of the four.

That's what I'm thinking of.

You can still do a lot of damage with 4%.

You can still have 4% fuel in

your car and run over a kid.

You can run over a few actually.

Anyway, that's just a fantasy.

(audience laughing)

There is some make a

wish that they do not honor.

(audience laughing)

So then I had to start chemotherapy.

And I had to go to the

hospital around four times a week,

sometimes around two to five hours a day.

And I was coping pretty well with it.

I was doing okay, I was

still able to do gigs.

I did feel a little

bit sick, but I was fine.

And a good friend of

mine, great comedian,

Brett Blake rang me, my

towel boy from earlier.

Things are really coming up for him.

(audience laughing)

I was waiting for that expletive.

Now Brett rang me and he said,

Nick, we're gonna do

a fundraiser for you.

You know, all the

comedians we got together,

cause you're gonna lose all of this work.

You know, we're gonna put

on a fundraiser for you.

And I said, absolutely not.

I don't want any money, I

don't wanna make a fuss.

I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.

I'd rather jerk off in

a children's hospital.

(audience laughing)

Which is quite thrilling.

(audience laughing)

But he said, no, you're coming.

So three weeks later, I went

to my own cancer fundraiser

and I caught the tram there, meep, meep.

(audience laughing)

I got into the venue and

my own cancer fundraiser

begrudgingly and it was amazing.

300 people there, right?

And it was the best night of my life.

Because I got to see something a lot of

you don't get to see

and that is your own funeral.

(audience laughing)
But it was bizarre for the

audience that were there.

Because I'd been doing

chemotherapy for three weeks.

So I had no processed foods.

I was drinking five

liters of water a day,

no drugs or alcohol, and I

still had all of my hair.

So into my own cancer fundraiser,

looking the best I've ever looked.

(audience laughing)

They're like, oh, who did

we buy this wheelchair for?

Usain Bolt, cool.

(audience laughing)

But it was an

incredibly bizarre experience

because here I am on death's door,

going through the worst time of my life

and my parents had

flown down from Queensland

and I looked across

the audience, see them,

lock eyes with them,

then they look at all this community

that's come out to support me

and they were like, we don't have to

worry about you anymore.

We don't have to worry.

If you've got all of

these people here helping you,

you're doing okay by us.

And it was so beautiful.

It was so beautiful

that my dad even hugged me.

He's not a bad dad at

all, he's just a farmer.

(audience laughing)

Like the last time I

saw him hug something

was a cement mixer in 1992.

(audience laughing)

We all hugged that cement mixer.

It was a beautiful machine.

(audience laughing)

And I thought, wow, I'm at

the best night of my life.

I'm still feeling good.

Maybe I've escaped a

cancer nightmare again.

There's rules.

Then about three days later,

things took a bit of a,

"Is care, doctor, no!"

(audience laughing)

My hair started to

fall out quite rapidly.

I don't wanna bring the mood down,

but when you've got

cancer and you're bald,

every time you look in the mirror,

it reminds you that you've got cancer.

When you're bald and

you don't have cancer,

it reminds you that

you're a security guard.

(audience laughing)

Or you own Amazon.

Either way, you're beating up the poor.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

Also, I didn't know

about this, about being bald,

is it's like an

unspoken brotherhood, amen.

Like, it's an unspoken

brotherhood, you know?

Like, this bald guy

came up to me and he goes,

"Hey, man, sucks being bald, huh?"

And I'm like, "Oh, no,

man, I've only got cancer."

(audience laughing)

You're bald forever, you know?

At least I got a fundraiser, you know?

But he was pretty funny,

like most bald guys are pretty funny.

And he goes, "Yeah, but there's a chance

that you could die."

And I'm like, "Oh, toupee."

(audience laughing)

I mean, touche.

Also, do you know why

you look good, bald man?

It's because your head is shiny, right?

My head did not go shiny.

Somehow I ended up with a matte finish.

My head looked like a

Toyota Super from where?

(audience laughing)

Along with going bald, also

I started to feel quite sick,

like really sick.

I'm not gonna bore you

about how sick you feel,

chemotherapy, everyone

handles it differently,

but it was like I had

a hangover all the time

with 10 times the anxiety.

And too tired to sleep,

too tired to read a book,

too tired to watch TV,

too tired to do anything.

It's terrible, okay?

Another thing that made it really bad

was that they inject you

with this radioactive stuff.

So I couldn't like

share food with my partner

or touch her or be

intimate with her or anyone else.

(audience laughing)

Which made it doubly challenging.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

And then if that wasn't enough,

COVID-19 struck up again,

and then the doctor said,

"Nick, you cannot go anywhere

besides your room and the hospital.

That's it.

You can't go anywhere."

Okay?

It was so isolating.

It was kind of like I was cast away.

(audience laughing)

Out in the middle of the ocean.

A lot like the Tom Hanks film.

(audience laughing)

Sully.

(audience laughing)

Or Captain Phillips, you know?

He's done a lot of ocean ones, hasn't he?

What's his next film gonna be?

The wet envelope?

(audience laughing)

Although that one's going in the taping.

(audience laughing)

Now, guys, we're about two

thirds into the show, right?

We're getting towards the ending bit.

And you guys are thinking right now,

Nick was so funny that first bit

when you talked about

getting your testicle removed.

So many funny, hilarious

quips about having cancer.

We cannot wait, Nick,

for your hilarious tales

of what you went through in chemotherapy.

Tell us about all the wacky stuff

that happened to you in chemo.

Yeah.

Well, get this right.

(audience laughing)

One day I go into chemo,

and I get in my bed.

In the bed next to me,

there is a guy who's an

air traffic controller.

(audience laughing)

Who's ever met one of them?

(audience laughing)

Hold your applause.

(audience laughing) It gets funnier, right?

His wife also an air traffic controller.

They met at a party.

What are the odds?

(audience laughing)

That was the funniest

thing to happen to me

in four months of chemotherapy.

(audience laughing)

I, people were asking

where I was and such,

and I, so I uploaded a

photo of me bald on Instagram,

saying, "Hey guys, sorry for cancer,

"all my gigs, I've got cancer."

If you have all more likes,

(audience laughing)

than having a baby, get cancer.

And the funniest thing is,

it's kind of like having a baby,

that the government helps you kill.

(audience laughing)

Uploaded this photo and it

went viral, it went crazy.

Everyone's sharing it,

it's going nuts, okay?

It went so viral that

companies were reaching out to me

to be an influencer.

This company wrote to me and said,

"Nick, how would you

like to promote our product

"on your Instagram?"

I said, "Great, what's your product?"

And they said, "Our product is

dissolvable shorts."

(audience laughing)

I'm not making this up.

And I said, "Are these

shorts that dissolve?"

And they said, "Correct."

Cancer was worth this

email exchange alone.

(audience laughing)

And I said, "What's the deal?"

And they said, "Nick, if

you promote our product

"on your Instagram,

you will get a free pair

"of dissolvable shorts."

And I'm like, "Oh, just so we're clear,

"I promote your product on my Instagram,

"then I get a pair of

shorts temporarily."

(audience laughing)

And they said, "That is correct."

And then I asked the question,

"That you all wanna know right now,

"why are you selling dissolvable shorts?

"Who buys dissolvable shorts?"

They said, "Nick, the

shorts dissolve in water.

"It's a funny prank.

"I thought you would

have figured this out

"being a comedian.

"We thought you were a funny guy."

And here I am, thinking

I'm a half decent comedian.

I can't even spot a good prank.

I felt so shit.

Because it is a great prank.

It's such a good prank when

you think about it, right?

It's such a good prank

because it's so easy to do to somebody.

It's so streamline.

All you have to do is rock

up to your friend's place

and then out of nothing go,

"Hey man, I bought you a pair of shorts."

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

And he goes, "Oh, nothing awry here.

(audience laughing)

"I love getting a pair

of shorts from my mates.

(audience laughing)
"I will put it in this stack of shorts

"that I received from

friends on the rig."

(audience laughing)

"Playing blue as well, so original.

"I can see why you bought them.

"That's the only color they come in."

I checked the website.

(audience laughing)

And he goes, "Hey man,

"how about you put them on now?"

(audience laughing)
And he goes, "Oh,

nothing suspicious about that.

(audience laughing)

"Just a regular day for me, of course."

Then he puts them on and you go,

"All right, how about you go for a swim

"and or shower while I watch?"

(audience laughing)

And he goes, "Oh yeah, this

is just a normal friendship,

"of course."

(audience laughing)

And then he does one of those.

(audience laughing)

And he goes, "Oh, you

wouldn't believe it.

(audience laughing)

"The unthinkable has happened.

(audience laughing)

"This beautiful gift you've bought me,

(audience laughing)

"something that happens to me every day.

(audience laughing)

"But this particular pair of shorts

(audience laughing)

"have dissolved."

(audience laughing)

Then you go, "Ah ha

ha ha ha, it's a prank.

"It's a prank."

And they're like, "Oh, now this is funny.

(audience laughing)

"It's so funny because I'm nude."

(audience laughing)

"Where did you find out

about such a hilarious prank?"

And you go, "Oh, you wouldn't believe it.

"I saw this comedian with

cancer's Instagram page.

(audience laughing)

"I saw his sunken eyes and bald head.

(audience laughing)

"And I thought, that

guy knows a good prank."

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

But the treatment

started working very rapidly.

Chemotherapy, it's

very hard on your body,

but it does work very well.

And the people at St.

Vincent's Hospital in Melbourne

really, really helped me.

And they made a bad

place that should have,

not a bad place, but they made a place

that should have been

bad, feel like a home.

And it was very nice.

And then after four

months, I finished chemotherapy

and I haven't been back.

(audience applauding)

They keep asking me to come back.

(audience laughing)

I'm like, "No way, Stinktown.

"That place sucks."

And I finished the

chemotherapy and I thought,

"Nick, you've beaten death.

"Time to tick off the old bucket list.

"Time to experience the world.

"It might've been taken away from you."

So I went on a family holiday to Noosa.

(audience laughing)

Yeah, it was just me, mum and dad,

my brother and sister,

and the cement mixer.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

And on the holiday, the

phone rings and it's my manager.

And I'm like, "Here we go.

"This gravy train is kicking off again."

He said, "Nick, I've

got some work for you."

I'm like, "Hell yeah, let's do this, huh?

"Can so, I went out of the first time

that bought so much.

"The second time,

it's gonna be even more."

I said, "Nick, I've got

a gig for you in Cairns

"where you're gonna be

hosting a fundraiser.

"It's gonna pay $5,000.

"Are you cool with that?"

I said, "Hell yeah."

And he goes, "Look, I've

also got another gig for you.

"It's on the Gold Coast.

"Someone pulled out and

you can do a 40-minute spot

"on the Gold Coast in four days.

"Do you think you can do that?"

I was like, "Yeah."

And he goes, "Have you

written any new material?"

I said, "Yeah, I got this great new bit

"about air traffic controllers."

(audience laughing)

That and the Tom Hanks

bitch, you'd fill up 40 alone.

(audience laughing)

So I sat down and I

started to write some comedy

about chemotherapy, right?

And I'm just gonna give

you guys a little peek

behind the curtain

because as you can see,

stand up is quite difficult, okay?

Because you're just a stupid clown.

Ronald McDonald's a clown

and 98% of kids under 12

recognize who Ronald McDonald is.

I've been doing comedy for 15 years

and hardly any kids

under 12 recognize who I am.

(audience laughing)

And when they do recognize me,

their parents are real angry.

(audience laughing)

Like, "Where do you know that guy from?"

He's got an abrasive face.

And why is he driving towards us?

(audience laughing)

Anyway, it's just a fantasy.

So I sat down at my father-in-law's place

in the Gold Coast and I

tried to write some stand up.

And I'm gonna share with

you guys a note from my notes.

My note from his.

(audience laughing)

I know it looks like

the Unabomber's manifesto.

(audience laughing)

Someone left the ice

cube tray out to dry.

Looks like we found a

real monster in the family.

Tingling in hands and feet

are starting to go away from the chemo.

Started drinking alcohol again.

Gotta remember to only

drink when I feel like it.

Fuck all of this shit is boring.

So fucking boring.

I've lost all creativity.

Cancer was the only way out

of the shitty career path.

I've got three days to

write 40 minutes of comedy.

I'm fucked.

Absolutely fucked.

I'm a dead man.

Who cares about the comedic

viewpoints of cancer anyway?

I've lost all creativity.

Why do we have different sized bowls?

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

Why don't we just eat from one big bowl?

(audience laughing)

You can still put a small

amount of food in a large bowl.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

So as you can tell, the

show went really good.

(audience laughing)

Flew the roof off the

Gold Coast, never been back.

(audience laughing)

I get back from the Gold Coast

and wait for the phone to ring.

And my manager calls me again.

I'm like, "Hell yeah."

And he goes, "Nick, the

Cairns gig has been canceled.

They didn't sell enough tickets.

I'll let you know if

there's any more work."

And not really much work came along.

So I just had to go

back working in labor hire.

Entry level jobs, picking up boxes.

Only I kind of liked it this time.

Cause it was better

than being in bed sick.

And I was on this app where you get to go

to a different workplace every day,

whenever they need you.

It was kind of like the instability of

working in the arts.

(audience laughing)

But also the

stability of working in labor.

(audience laughing)

So it was a great thing.

Anyway, I loved it.

Because I got to meet

new people every day.

It was so good.

But after a few months,

it started to tire a bit.

Cause none of the jobs

relied on any skills.

I would rock up to a job

and there would just be

me and 40 backpackers.

(audience laughing)
And because I was the only guy over 18

and the only one from Australia,

(audience laughing)

they all thought I was the boss.

(audience laughing)

They're like, "Hey

Nick, what do we do now?"

I'm like, "I don't know Sergio.

I'm at the same level as you."

(audience laughing)

"Hey Nick, why you work here?

You're so old.

Cause your father owned the company.

Are you volunteering?"

I'm like, "No, you know

what you're doing Sergio?

Getting drunk, partying,

trying to figure your life out.

Trying to figure a career

path in this cruel world,

not knowing who you

are, taking a gap year.

I've done that 20 times.

(audience laughing)

I'm on my 20th gap year, Sergio."

(audience laughing)

I was like, "Nick, why

are you wearing no pants?"

(audience laughing)

I'm like, "I was trying to have my new

shorts and it rained."

(audience laughing)

I really work.

(audience laughing)

So once again, I was

taking life for granted.

I was like, "You're back

to square one again, Nick."

Until I went to a job and

I'll leave on this folks,

thank you guys so much for coming out.

You guys have been awesome.

Give it up for Basement Comedy Club.

(audience cheering)

Also, a great play to help him here.

(audience cheering)

Have a good one, Mikey,

Torque, Timmy, thank you so much.

(audience cheering)

But yeah, I was taking life for granted

until I rocked up to this

labour hire job one day.

And there was a guy there,

wearing the labour hire

uniform from my company,

and he looked over 40.

He looked around 45.

And I went up to him, I

said, "Hey mate, how you doing?

"My name's Nick."

And he said, "Hi, my name's Ian."

"In an Australian accent."

(audience laughing)

And I'm like, "Oh yeah,

another loser like me.

"This is awesome."

(audience laughing)

I said, "Ian, what are we doing today?"

Now this is what he said.

Now guys, I'm not gonna be disparaging

towards anyone in this story, okay?

But it really did

happen, it's true, okay?

But I said, "Ian, where

are we working today?"

And he said, "Nick, we are

working at a place called

"House with no Steps."

Now for those who don't know

what House with no Steps is,

it's a place where

people with Down Syndrome

can go and work.

And at this House with no Steps,

they were rolling up movie posters,

and they were putting them in a tube.

And they had fallen behind,

so they got Ian and I

in to help catch up.

Now this was a hard pill for me to swap.

(audience laughing)

I was a real dick about this.

Because I thought at age 39,

if I worked at House with no Steps,

I would be in a supervisory role.

(audience laughing)

I thought I'd be

saying, "Hey, don't do that."

"Hey, how do you do that?"

(audience laughing)

So I was a dick about it, okay?

But I went in there, and

I had the best time ever.

Everyone was happy to work there.

We're rolling up the movie posters,

we're putting them in the tubes,

we're having great chats,

we're talking about the important stuff,

waste management in the Philippines.

(audience laughing)

And there's a bit of a

lull in conversation.

And then Ian says this.

He goes, "Nick, do you do anything else

"besides work in labor hire?"

And then usually I don't tell anybody,

but my guard was down, I

was having a great time.

I was like, "Yes, as a matter of fact,

"I am a stand-up comedian."

(audience laughing)

And this is what Ian did.

He goes, "Well, you

can't be much of a comedian

"if you work here."

(audience laughing)

Everyone in the whole

place fucking loses it.

(audience laughing)
And I don't know if you've

seen people with Down Syndrome

laugh, but they really get into it.

(audience laughing)
And we're like, "You suck!

(audience laughing)

"You must be the worst comedian ever

"if you work here."

(audience laughing)

And I didn't know what to

do, I'd just been destroyed.

(audience laughing)

But there's another lull in conversation.

And I said to Ian,

"Do you do anything else

"besides labor hire?"

And this is what he said.

He said, "Yeah, I'm a life coach."

(audience laughing)

Not one person laughed.

(audience laughing)

It was the saddest thing I'd ever heard.

(audience laughing)

And I'd just done four

months of chemotherapy.

(audience laughing)

You guys must be thinking,

"That's a pretty

shitty life coach, you know,

"if he works in labor hire."

But he was the best life coach ever.

And the first and last

life coach I've ever seen,

because I'm like, "Nick,

you're still struggling

"at stand up, you're still

working at entry-level jobs,

"but it could be worse.

"You could work in labor

hire and be a life coach."

(audience laughing)

Now I know this story

doesn't really have a happy ending.

You guys want the happy

ending, the Tom Hanks ending.

Like, you know, he gets off the island,

or he's reunited with his wife,

or he solved the Da Vinci Code.

(audience laughing)

I haven't seen it.

(audience laughing)

But my story ends better.

My story has an ending

that's better than a happy ending.

And that is that it doesn't

end, it gets to keep going.

And that's thanks to

you guys for coming out.

(audience applauding)

(audience cheering)

And as I heard in a film once,

life is like a box of chocolates.

You get them in the mail.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

(audience cheering)