All language subtitles for Doctor.in.the.House.1954.DVDRip.XviD-TheWretched.HI.ENG

(Horn honks)

Hello, Marion.

- Hello, Butch. Back again.
- Hello, Grimsdyke!

Elizabeth, you've lost weight.

- Hello, Jessup.
- Oh, hello, Mr Grimsdyke.

- Back again?
- Once again.

New term wouldn't seem the same
without you.

Thank you.
What's the prescription? Same?

Yes. The Dean's coming along now.

I suppose
I'd better make an appearance.

- I think you'd better.
- At least I can read the paper.

Excuse me.

- Hm?
- I'm a new medical student.

Are you, now?
Well, I'm a very old doctor.

I was wondering where I should go.

Take my advice -
straight into another profession.

- How much?
- 15 shillings on the clock.

15 shillings?!
What? From Waterloo station?

- Via the Windmill Theatre.
- Oh. Clock's a bit fast, isn't it?

- 15 bob, mate.
- Hey, Taffy!

- Back in a tick.
- Hey! Where you going?

Hello!

- Taffy, lend me a pound.
- A pound?

Where would I get a pound?
And you owe me 32 bob.

You'll get it back. A bookie I met...

I haven't got a pound.
How did you do in the anatomy exam?

- Failed.
- Me, too.

Those examiners
never asked a question I knew.

- Back where we started.
- Never mind. Plenty of football.

- Hello, Mr Benskin, Mr Evans.
- Hello, Jessup, you old rogue.

- Had a nice holiday?
- Shocking run of losers.

- Any letters?
- Only bills, sir.

- Throw them away.
- Can you get me a head and neck?

- I want a brain.
- I don't know about a brain, sir.

Brains is hard to come by these days.
Times aren't what they were.

- Both failed your exam, eh?
- Back with the new boys... and girls.

- You'll pass this time.
- What time is the Dean talking?

Five o'clock. You'd better get going.
I'm about to ring.

I left a taxi waiting at the gate.
Pay him off, there's a good fellow.

(Baby crying)

- Excuse me, I...
- Sit down here, please.

- Name?
- Sparrow. Simon Sparrow.

- Have you been here before?
- No.

- Have you a doctor's letter?
- Do I need one?

- You're making it very difficult.
- I'm sorry. I...

- Have you been here before or not?
- No.

Very well. Go in there
and take your clothes off.

- Now, wait...
- Really! You are the limit.

- What's the matter, Nurse?
- This patient won't undress.

Won't he? We'll see about that.

I've been trying to explain.
I'm a new medical student.

(Chattering)

(Bell rings)

- Taff, me boy.
- Hello, Grim. How are you?

- Hello, Tony. How's the love life?
- Easy come, easy go.

Excuse me. Could you tell me
where the students go?

- Well, certainly not in here.
- (All giggle)

- Where are you looking for?
- Actually, I'm new.

- Could you tell me where to go?
- The medical school.

- That's right over the other side.
- Could you tell me how to get there?

Go past Physiotherapy,
right at Neuropathology,

left by Gastroenterology,
till you come to the main hall.

- Then it's...
- That's not the quickest way.

Go down there by DXR and EEG,

then straight on past ECG,
till you get to the almoner's office.

No, it's... You're going
in the right direction.

Thank you... very much.

You took the stitches out too soon!

- Funny.
- Let me help you.

It is customary for me,
as dean of this hospital,

to welcome new students
at the beginning of each year,

but thanks to the vigilance
of the examiners

in protecting the public against
the medical ministrations of idiots,

I see that I am welcoming
many familiar faces, as well.

Medical students, gentlemen,
were described by Charles Dickens

as "a parcel of lazy, idle fellows

"that are always smoking
and drinking and lounging."

That is, unfortunately, still true,

and the time has come, gentlemen,
for a change.

Mr Evans,
I suggest you devote to your studies

some fraction of the energy
you expend on the football field.

And Mr Benskin, I would ask you
in future kindly to remember

that nurses are here for the comfort
of the patients, not the students.

Furthermore, you will be expected to
arrive at every lecture punctually.

Last term, it was a disgrace.

Students thought they could come in
at any time that suited them...

Good afternoon.

Won't you be seated?

- May I continue?
- Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Your course here will be
for a minimum of five years.

Those of you
who at the end of that time

satisfy the examiners
you have sufficient skill

will receive your degrees and be
entitled to call yourselves "Doctor".

It will require the greatest
hard work, application

and serious-mindedness from you.

For your first two years

you will study biochemistry,
physiology, anatomy and pathology.

Three minutes shorter than usual.

Did he do female patients
and professional etiquette?

- I think he mentioned it.
- He must have speeded up.

- You heard it before?
- Three times.

Three times?!
You must be a very senior...

Not a bit.
I haven't passed an exam yet.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I...

Don't be. I always fail on purpose.
Shall we see the Padre?

- Is that what you usually do?
- That's what I do. Come on.

- (Grimsdyke) Hello, Padre.
- Mr Grimsdyke. Nice to see you.

- Nice to see you. How are you?
- Fine, thanks.

- Good. Meet... What's your name?
- Sparrow. Simon Sparrow.

- Glad to meet you, sir. New?
- Yes.

I expect we'll be seeing a lot
of you. What'll it be, gentlemen?

- Two pints, please. Beer all right?
- Guinness.

Make one a Guinness, Padre. He's been
here years. Nobody knows his name.

- We call him the Padre.
- Why?

- Why? Shall we tell him?
- Yes.

Well,
the patients might get a bit upset

if the doctor
said he was popping to the pub,

but if he says he's going to chapel,
they're quite impressed.

- Hello, Grimsdyke.
- Tony. Been home yet?

Not yet.
Did you see that Indian girl?

Hello, hello! Are we going to be
knee-deep in boiled rice this term?

Oh, I beg your pardon. Simon Sparrow,
Tony Benskin and Taffy Evans.

- How do you do? Do you play rugby?
- A little.

- What's your position?
- Wing.

- Any good?
- I was in the school team...

Wonderful.
Just the sort of fellow we need.

I shan't have time for rugby.

No time for rugby?
Don't be blasphemous.

- Ah, rugby...
- Here you are, gentlemen.

- Five shillings, please.
- Well, Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

- Here, here.
- Five shillings.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

- Cheers, Sparrow.
- Yes, cheers.

- Got some rooms yet?
- Not yet.

- There's a list. I'll show you.
- Thanks.

- Have you met Hubert yet?
- No.

You must meet Hubert.
He's one of your ancestors. There.

- What is it? A specimen?
- He'd be offended at that.

He's the mascot, idol and oldest
inhabitant of St Swithins.

My dear fellow, I'm so sorry.

Sir Lancelot Spratt presented him
to the college as a student.

St Crispins tried
to pinch him after the championship.

Wizard set-to that was.
Three fractured mandibles.

- Hello. (Growls lecherously)
- Hi, Tony.

Here we are. Digs, digs, digs...

"Two students have spare room,
nine-foot-six by six-foot-nine."

- How tall are you?
- "Medical student received..."

We're all just one big,
happy family here, aren't we?

Home from home. We're free
to come and go as we please,

as long as it isn't
after 10:30pm.

And we don't have visitors
in our rooms, Mr Williams.

We don't spend more than ten minutes
in the bathroom, Mr Barton.

And none of us smoke in our bedrooms.
Now, Mr Porter's Ancient Greek.

- Mr Williams is Economics.
- (Williams) Greetings, comrade.

- This is my daughter Millicent.
- How do you do?

Mr Sparrow's a medical gentleman.

How nice. I always think it's nice
to have a doctor in the house.

Saw a lovely film
about a doctor once.

He operated on a beautiful girl
and married her.

(Knock at door)

Come in.

Doctor, I'm sorry to trouble you
but will you examine my foot?

Well, I'm not really a doctor.
I'm only a student.

That's almost the same thing,
isn't it?

Well...

What's the, er, matter
with your... foot?

I think I must have twisted it
or something. It's ever so painful.

- Well, all right.
- Oh, thanks.

Don't bother to take off your
stocking. I can manage with it on.

- That hurt?
- Yes.

Does that hurt?

Yes, but I don't mind.
You've got such lovely, soft hands.

There's nothing seriously wrong.

- Cold poultice, that's the thing.
- Is that all?

- That'll do the trick.
- Will you put it on?

No, get your mother to do that.
I'm very busy.

Oh, well. Thanks a lot. Good night.

Good night.

(Shopkeeper)
Ripe tomatoes! Lovely apples!

I say, do I really
have to learn all this?

I'm afraid so, sir. Wait till you
start your clinical studies.

Don't worry. I'll see you through.

May I recommend this?
It's not on your list

but if you have difficulty,
you might be glad of it.

- What is it?
- The Student's Friend.

- Fits easily into the pocket.
- Put it with the others.

You won't regret that.
I must give you copy of this.

Yes, and I also want a skeleton.

Naturally. One can't get anywhere
without a skeleton.

Would you like the ordinary skeleton
or the de luxe with hands and feet?

- I think the ordinary one will do.
- Very well.

I'm not sure
but this one might suit me better.

No, sir. This has the most perfect
pelvis of any skeleton I've seen.

Oh.

(Shopkeeper) Ripe tomatoes!
Two bobs a pineapple!

(Dog whines)

(Conductor) Hurry along there.
Now, come on. Hurry along.

Hold tight, please.

(Woman screams)

(Sings happily)

Grim, I've gone a bit wrong.
Can I look at yours?

Jolly colour, isn't it?
Like crème de menthe.

I'd like a waistcoat like that.

- Is that the colour it should be?
- I'm afraid so.

If I go on like this,
I'll pass the exam.

- Don't you want to?
- Heaven forbid. I must muck this up.

Let's see. What have we got here?
A spot of this.

(Sings)

Now a drop of what you fancy.

(Shouting and coughing)

I say! That's a most pleasing effect,
don't you think?

(# Melancholy piano)

- There you are.
- Ta. Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

I ought to know who she was.
Who was she? A hospital benefactress?

A benefactress,
but not of St Swithins, of me.

She was my grandmother, bless her.

Rather a gruesome old lady,
but well-to-do.

She spent the twilight of her life
surrounded by the medical profession,

about every member of which
she was besotted.

Then one morning she said to me,

"If you'll train to be a doctor,
I'll allow you a thousand a year."

Well, medical training can last
a lifetime, if one wishes.

- So, of course, you accepted.
- She put it in her will that night.

It's not a gracious living

but at least one
hasn't got to work for it.

I'm not partial
to anything strenuous, are you?

Chopsticks? One, two...

(Singing and playing Chopsticks)

This demonstrates
that the faster the subject pedals,

the more oxygen he consumes.

Faster, lad. Put your back into it.
You've got to work! Work!

And that applies to you all.
You've all got to work.

And now drains, ladies and gentlemen.
(Inhales deeply)

Drains. Immensely important factors
in the health of the public.

I've studied them all my life.

You must, too,
to be efficient doctors.

There's only one thing more important
than drainage. What is that?

Sewage.

- (Knock at door)
- Come in.

(Knocking)

- Well?
- It's moved up to my hip now.

Out!

Landlady's daughter.
Oldest joke in the world.

- She went too far.
- Women are all the same.

The psychiatric ward calls it
"behaviour pattern".

- I've given in my notice.
- I don't get why.

She sounds a good show,
if you like that sort of thing.

- Doesn't help your rugby.
- Found anywhere else?

- No.
- Do you drink beer in bed?

- No.
- (All) Oh!

I'd ask you move in but
the domestic climate isn't congenial.

- I could learn to drink beer in bed.
- (All) Ah!

Oh, no!

- Come in, will you?
- Well, I think I've made a mistake.

I've come to the wrong flat.
I was looking for Mr Grimsdyke.

I'm his fiancée Stella.
I live in the flat below.

Oh! How do you do?

You're going to sleep in there.
Have you had tea?

- Hm? No, I haven't yet.
- Oh, the kitchen's in there.

I have to go. I'm in a hurry.

I'm borrowing the bathroom because
mine doesn't work. Excuse me.

Oh, could you do this for me?
It got caught.

Certainly. (Clears throat)

Thank you.
And will you bring me a cup in?

- What? In there?!
- Yes, I don't mind.

- You're all doctors, aren't you?
- Oh, yes. Yes.

(Footsteps and door opening)

There you are.

Sorry I wasn't here to meet you.
I was being feudal with my tailor.

- Made yourself at home?
- Er, yes.

There's a lady called Stella
having a bath.

Ah, Stella, my fiancée. You've met.
Ravishingly beautiful. Adores me.

Splendid thing to have around.
Did you notice her sternum?

- No.
- You should. It's exquisite.

- (Stella) Richard!
- She probably wants her back washed.

Is this is what Mrs Rivington-Lomax
envisaged for her favourite grandson?

- (Stella) Richard!
- Coming.

Hello, darling.

Mmm... I forgot to tell Simon
I had a fiancée.

I have something
to tell you, Richard. You haven't.

- Oh, not much I haven't.
- No, I'm serious.

I've been thinking.
I'm not marrying you.

- What?!
- I hope he brought his own soap.

Of course you'll marry me.
You're in love with me.

But I want to marry a proper doctor.

I can't spend my life
as the wife of a student.

It wouldn't be decent.

Now I must hurry
or I'll miss my train.

Did you tell him
we all have our own soap?

To hell with his soap! What train?

I've got a ticket for Sweden. They
have a lot of proper doctors there.

- A ticket for Sweden?!
- Yes. It's in my bag.

- This means I'll have to qualify.
- Yes.

- Well, my allowance will stop.
- Yes.

If Granny's allowance stops, we...

- Good heavens! I'll have to work!
- Yes.

- And you say you're in love with me?
- I am.

- Aren't you in love with me?
- Oh!

You know I am but aren't you in love
with my grandmother just a bit?

Mm-mm, but if you were
a proper doctor, I'd love you both.

- Well...
- Now I must wash and go to Sweden.

I must have time to think.

Five minutes.
I'm a very quick bath lady.

You've got to work, gentlemen.
Work, work, work, work, work...

(Chant continues)

Hydroxyl groups become a hydrogen
atom linked to a carbon atom.

Two stereoisomers are possible.

Alpha and beta indicate the isomers

on which the hydroxyls are above
and below the plane of the ring.

That's... perfectly clear, I suppose.

Why didn't we select professions with
no exams, like cabinet ministers?

Do you think they'll ask
about sarcoidosis?

- What's that?
- I haven't the foggiest.

If there's one on anxiety,
I'm home and dry.

- You all nervous?
- Oh, my...

Well, we're not overflowing
with confidence.

Your psychological attitude
is all wrong.

You're expecting failure. I'm not.

I just don't admit the idea
of failure. It doesn't exist.

I expect a pass.

One wonders which examiner
will be frustrated enough to make it.

(Clock ticking)

- Phew! Cigarette, chum, please.
- How did you do?

That exam was an instrument
of torture.

Sarcoidosis. They must have heard me.

- It's over now.
- There's worse to come.

Excuse me. You see? Easy, wasn't it?

Ah! Your slip's showing!

- I feel very peculiar.
- Are you ill?

I don't know. I think it's passing
that anatomy exam. It's upset me.

Clever boy.

I feel better. It's extraordinary how
efficacious female companionship is.

- Simon, I think you should have one.
- Oh, should I?

Taffy, shouldn't Simon
have a female companion?

No! Not till after the rugby season.

Thank you. I've enough to do.

I'm worried
he has a mother fixation.

- I don't think so.
- We ought to find out.

- Who shall we get for you?
- I'll be your female companion.

- I have plenty of time.
- That's a very unethical suggestion.

Come and get it.
Dinner is served. Catch.

- Fish and chips.
- It's better than beans.

- Salt on the chips?
- Yep.

We're trying to find a girl
for Simon.

We think he needs a practical
education. Any suggestions?

- What about Rigor Mortis?
- (Grimsdyke) That's the girl.

- (Simon) Who's Rigor Mortis?
- One of the nurses.

- No great beauty but a kind heart.
- Fine for a trial run.

- I don't want a trial run.
- Of course you do.

Nothing to it. Just hold her hand
and look plaintive.

(# Waltz on gramophone)

I had an awful job
to get here tonight.

I had to swap my late duty
with Nurse Gibson's bedpans.

Oh.

That was just before that awful case
where we had to use the stomach pump.

Look, would you
rather have some cocoa?

It is customary for me,
as dean of this hospital,

to welcome new students each year

and to address a few words to those

who are part of the way up the ladder
towards qualifying.

Among the latter are some whom,
I must confess,

I had regarded as permanent fixtures
on the bottom rung.

However, they have, to my surprise -
and, I suspect, to theirs -

succeeded in doing enough work
in two years

to pass their anatomy
and other exams.

I only hope that this state
of affairs continues.

This term, they will commence their
clinical training in the wards.

I wish them -
though not very hopefully - well.

- Toothbrush, sir?
- Stethoscope.

Certainly. Any particular type
of chestpiece, sir?

This type's popular. Well-balanced.

No, that's a little old for you, sir.

What about this one? Perhaps
you'd care to try it for size?

Oh, yes. That's very much
more you, sir. Comfy?

- Comfy?
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Yes.

It slips easily
into any of the resting positions.

I don't know which you prefer.
There's the posterior cervical...

or the axillary-inguinal position.

- It's very popular, sir.
- This will do.

Just starting in the wards, sir?

Will you pay or shall we charge it?

- Are you boys coming in?
- Don't be so eager.

Anybody would think you charged fees.

- Come on.
- You're wasting your time, old boy.

- Nurses only have eyes for doctors.
- We are doctors, practically.

And who are you?

- We're the students, Sister.
- Oh, are you?

Well, I do not like students
but I am forced to put up with you.

But I warn you, I stand no nonsense
on my ward. Is that clear?

- As crystal, Sister.
- Hmm...

You will examine patients five,
12, 18 and 20.

You will replace bedclothes neatly,

you will not walk upon floor
that has just been polished

and you will not talk to the nurses,
except on professional matters.

- Is that understood?
- Yes.

Very well. You may proceed.

Proceed?

- Proceed where?
- Choose a number and examine it.

Hey, there's a new lot of students.
We'll have some fun.

- I don't feel like fun.
- Cheer up. You're not dead yet.

You will be
if you let students get at you.

Will they'll know
we've never done this?

Don't be silly.
They'll think we're doctors.

I can hear the sea.

- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.

Er, would you mind if I examined you?

- I'm all yours, Doctor.
- Oh, dear. Er...

(Coughs) Well...

It's 76. I just took it myself.

Oh, thank you.

Would you excuse me just a minute?

- You stuck, too?
- Yes. What page is appendicitis?

I've no idea.
I'm looking for the chest.

- What are you doing, Mr Briggs?
- I'm being examined, Nurse.

- Are you? By whom?
- Good afternoon, Nurse.

Now, I'd just like
to examine your chest.

It's my stomach that's wrong, Doctor.

Yes, of course it is.
Now, what are your symptoms?

Hydronephrosis,
nephrolithiasis and renal colic.

- Thank you very much.
- He has hammertoes, too.

(Sister coughs)

Graham said the original diagnosis
was wrong, but I...

Forgive me, old boy, but aren't we
inclined to be talking shop?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Broaden your outlook, Simon.

- There are better things in life.
- (Chuckles) Such as what?

- Such as that, for instance.
- Taxi! Taxi!

See what I mean?

- Taxi!
- Look out!

- There we are.
- Are you all right?

I think so. Aren't those roads hard?

- I'm sorry, miss. Are you OK?
- Yes. It was my fault.

- I was too eager for a taxi.
- Are you sure?

Come to the hospital
and we'll look you over.

It's only my stockings. I don't think
hospitals can help... or can they?

- Er, no...
- Let my colleague examine you.

- I'm really fine. Are you a doctor?
- Well...

He's a mainstay of our hospital.
Aren't you, old boy?

- Er, yes. Well, yes.
- How glamorous.

I'll certainly visit this hospital
for anything more than stockings.

Do. We can always
find a bed for her. Eh, Simon? Hmm?

Yes. Sure.

Well, if you'd help me
into the taxi, I'll go home.

Yes, certainly.

33 Cornwallis Mews. Goodbye.

Hmm... Thanks.

Bye.

- 33...
- Cornwallis Mews.

Not a bad fit.

I know it's unnecessary but no gravy
spilt or anything, I beg.

It's brand new.

When you make love to her, do not be
too English, be more aggressive.

He can do without that.
He's late already.

- Got some cash?
- Yes, I pawned my microscope.

- Don't drink champagne.
- Why not?

Because it's bad for the wind.

- Where did you say to take her?
- Fernando's.

I haven't been for a bit but they do
a good all-in for ten bob.

- Hurry up. Taxi.
- Just mention my name.

- Where's my coat?
- Here.

- And my flower.
- Take it easy, now.

- Good luck, dear.
- Oh!

- Good evening, madam.
- Good evening.

- Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.

Simon, I won't be a minute. I'll have
a Martini if you're ordering.

Er, Mr Benskin told me to come here.

Mr Benskin?
I do not know that name, sir.

Oh, he comes here quite often.

Probably before the restaurant
changed hands.

You wish for a table, sir?
I'm afraid we are very busy

but as it's Miss Minster,
I shall accommodate you.

- You know Miss Minster?
- Who does not?

(Inaudible)

Something to drink, sir?

Er, yes. A dry Martini
and a pint of bitter, please.

We don't serve beer here, sir,
I'm afraid.

Oh. Oh, well, then. Two dry martinis.

- Large, sir?
- Yes, of course. Very.

- Your cloakroom ticket, sir.
- Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Oh, I do like this place.
- Oh, do you?

Do you come here very often?

Fairly,
but never with a doctor before.

Whereabouts exactly
in Harley Street are you?

Well, I'm not actually
in Harley Street.

- I do research at the hospital.
- Oh.

- Your Martinis, sir.
- Oh, thank you.

Simon,
these look absolutely enormous.

Your bill, sir.

Er... Is that absolutely right?

- Two trebles, sir.
- Are you in need of a stimulant?

- Yes, I am rather.
- Thank you, sir.

- Cheers.
- Good evening, sir. Miss Minster.

Would you care to order now?

Well, do you have any of that caviar
that I had last time?

Yes, Miss Minster. Also, we have some
pâté fresh in and some smoked salmon.

After, there is some delicious filet
de boeuf or some chicken à la Kiev.

Do you know, I don't feel
very hungry at the moment.

Shall we finish our drinks
and order later?

- Yes, if you like.
- Very well, sir.

I had to sit through one of those
heavy luncheons by the governors.

I hope you'll forgive me.

Will you excuse me?
I've left my cigarettes in my coat.

Of course.

- Isobel, how lovely to see you.
- Helen, Paul.

Hello? Oh, Taffy?

Taffy, it's Simon here. Hmm? Simon.

Listen, I'm in a terrible jam.

No, I can't explain about it now.

Listen, as soon as I've hung up here,
call me back.

It's Mayfair 11494.

Yes, say you're
the hospital with an urgent message

for Dr Sparrow to come at once.

He's awfully sweet.
Very young-looking,

but he must be brilliant to be able
to afford to bring his pick-ups here.

Simon, this is Mr and Mrs Gray.
Dr Sparrow.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

Doctor Sparrow,
I'm hesitant to suggest this,

but I was wondering
if we couldn't have dinner together?

- Er, well...
- I mean as my guests.

I'm celebrating a win at the races
and we'd love to make a party of it.

- You mean for us to be your guests?
- Yes.

- That's awfully kind of you.
- Fine. Well, let's order, shall we?

- Simon's not very hungry.
- I could pick at a little.

- Dr Sparrow, sir?
- Yes?

Your hospital have just rang, sir.
You're wanted at once.

Oh. Oh, how dreadful.
Can't you just have something?

Well, I... Well, I don't see why...

They stressed the urgency, sir.

- Oh.
- Well, if you must, you must.

- Yes.
- Fetch the doctor's coat.

- What? Oh, yes. My coat.
- Thank you, sir.

What a pity. We were going
to have a lovely evening.

Simon was getting
some delicious caviar.

We'll come next week.
Then he can buy us all caviar.

(Laughs) Yes.

There was smoked salmon...

caviar...

pâté de foie gras. Fresh in, too.

Delicious filet de boeuf...

and chicken à la Kiev.

- Morning, Sir Lancelot.
- Good morning.

- Morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning, sir.

- Not late, I hope.
- Not at all, sir.

Come along, my man.
You must pursue me!

- Boring cholecystectomies today?
- Yes, sir.

After last night,
I feel like one myself.

- How about that gastrectomy?
- Not so well.

Oh. Pity. Great pity.

- Morning, Sister. Ready?
- All ready, sir.

Splendid.

Now, lie still while I discuss
your case with these young doctors.

Take his pyjamas off, Sister.
You. Examine his abdomen.

Take that grubby fist away!

The first rule of diagnosis -
eyes first and most,

hands next and least
and tongue not at all. Look!

- See anything?
- No, sir.

Very good. Carry on.
Gently, man! You're not making bread.

To be a surgeon,
you need the eye of a hawk,

the heart of a lion
and the hands of a lady.

- You found it?
- Yes, sir.

- Well, what is it?
- A lump.

- Well, what do you make of it?
- Is it kidney? Is it spleen?

Is it liver? Is it dangerous?

Don't worry. You won't understand
our medical talk.

Er, you.
What are we going to do about it?

Erm...

Cut it out, man! Cut it out! And
where shall we make the incision?

Nothing like large enough.
Keyhole surgery! Damnable! Like this.

Don't worry. This is nothing
to do with you. Now, you.

When we've cut through the skin,
what will we find?

- Subcutaneous fat, sir.
- Quite right.

Then we come across the surgeon's
worst enemy, which is what?

Speak up, man.
Blood, you numbskull!

You cut a patient, he bleeds, until
nature forms a clot and stops it.

This interval is known scientifically
as the bleeding time.

- You! What's the bleeding time?
- Ten past ten, sir.

"Ten past ten."
Old Sir Lancelot blew up.

Hello.

Sister Virtue nearly had a baby.

Hey, have you seen
that little fair-haired nurse, eh?

- The one watching your patients?
- Yes.

What about that, eh?

No. It was her that winked
when he asked that question

- and again when he bawled me out.
- Twice? You must follow that up.

- I've followed up enough already.
- Of course you must, mustn't he?

Certainly.
But you know what nurses are.

They're all right for a flip
but they all suffer from tinnitus.

- What on earth's that?
- Tinnitus? Ringing in the ears.

Wedding bells. Isn't that so, Jessup?

I've known young gents who got hooked
before they knew what a worm was.

Rubbish! Press on with her, Simon.

Are you two at him again? Let him
be celibate if he wants to be.

- Celibate? He likes girls.
- I don't want to be celibate.

Then how can I pick
a rugby team that's fit?

- You must ask her out.
- I don't even like her very much.

That's not the point.
It's your duty to experiment.

- You can't get near a nurse.
- Love laughs at sisters. Eh, Jessup?

Look, there's been Rigor Mortis, the
most expensive girl in the world...

This is the last thing I do for you
or scientific experimentation.

- It's beautiful, isn't it?
- All right, I suppose.

I wonder where the water comes from?

- The river.
- Hmm?

The Thames. The water
probably comes from the Thames.

Oh, I see.

- Could we have some tea?
- Yes, if you like.

Well, we might as well,
now we're here.

- All right.
- (Sighs)

- You didn't want to come, did you?
- Why would I ask you?

- I think you were put up to it.
- What a filthy thing to say.

I bet the others said, "That fair
nurse is interested in you."

- Absolute nonsense.
- They cooked it up.

- No, they didn't.
- Admit it.

Oh... Yes, all right.
In a way, they did.

There. I knew it!

- Why did you come, then?
- I didn't know then.

I thought it would be rather fun.
I like going out.

I rather like you.

Oh, now I feel absolutely awful.

Oh, don't worry about it.
We all make mistakes.

There's no point going on with this.
I'll clear off.

Oh, please don't go.
Honestly, I'm terribly sorry.

I like you, too. Now we know the
truth, couldn't we start over again?

I'm an awful clot, really.
I wanted to ask you out often

- but I didn't dare ask you.
- Why not?

You always looked so superior.
You were always laughing at me.

I wasn't, Simon. Honestly.

- That ruddy suitcase.
- Oh, that.

Well, it was rather funny.

I suppose it was, really.
Look, let's start from scratch.

We'll buy a guide
and go to every place on it.

- From start to finish.
- Right. Come on.

- You the dresser, boy?
- Yes, sir.

Well, get scrubbed up, then.
Hurry up.

- First time you've assisted?
- Yes, sir.

Well, don't get under my feet
or I'll have your guts out.

Yes, sir.

Sir James Willoughby chased me out
of the theatre with a scalpel

- for getting under his feet.
- Oh, really?

And remind me to get some dry ginger.

My wife will play hell
if I forget again.

Yes, sir.

Don't forget, if you feel faint,
fall backwards,

not across the patient.

Everybody's pampered these days,

bewitched with free teeth,
spectacles and psychiatrists.

Good afternoon, all.
All right. Let's get started.

Left nephrectomy. Come here, boy.

You can't learn surgery
from the doorpost.

Now, although it looks easy
to you gentlemen,

I've been doing this operation
for 20 years.

All right to start, Stubbins?

He's a bit blue down my end
but you know your own business.

Sister, how the hell can I operate
with this jam spreader?!

Why is it that every operation I do

is plagued by incompetence
and blunt instruments?

Don't crowd me, boy.
That's much better.

Hang on to your swabs.
This is important.

You can cut a patient's throat
and nobody minds

but leave anything inside,
you'll be in the papers.

Now for the first incision.

Swab, man, swab!
Have I got to do everything myself?

Watching? Catch him, someone.

Another Spencer-Wells, Sister.
Hurry up, woman.

The edge of quadratus lumborum.
See it? Another clip, Sister.

- (Laughs)
- What happened?

- He passed out.
- Oh, Simon!

Oh, don't be so silly. Thousands
of people pass out their first time.

That's right, sir. I remember
Mr Willoughby when he started here.

Sir James he is now. He couldn't stay
on his pins for three months.

- Nobody minded and look at him.
- You see?

I bet he didn't go out on a trolley.

For heaven's sake.
Have another drink and forget it.

- Do you think I will make a doctor?
- Yes, I do.

Well, you're a jolly good nurse.
In this case, anyway.

- Hey, guv.
- Oh, Briggs.

I'm terribly sorry.

- Were you looking for someone?
- Er, yes, I was, actually.

- Right.
- Nurse!

Yes, Mr Briggs, what is it?
Just a minute, Mr Lodge.

Nurse, he says that I've been
written up for the wrong medicine.

Does he? I'd better see
your prescription sheet.

- That seems perfectly all right.
- What time does it say to take it?

- Six o'clock.
- Six o'clock.

Any trouble here, Nurse?

No, Sister. Mr Sparrow was just
discussing a forthcoming operation.

- You'd better go back to Mr Lodge.
- Yes, Sister.

And to those of you
who are now entering your fifth

and, let us hope,
final year of your training,

I would remark that if you are to
master the subjects in the syllabus -

anaesthetics, paediatrics,
obstetrics and gynaecology,

ear, nose and throat and so on...

If you are to qualify
in your final examinations,

you will have to use all your powers

of concentration
and clear-mindedness. Mmm.

Hmm...

Erm... do you mind
if I try this on you?

- No, go on.
- Sure?

- Comfortable?
- Sure.

Do you mind if I give you a whiff?

- Oh, no, thank you very much!
- I won't put you right out.

If you put me half out,
I might never get in again.

- We're supposed to be practising.
- I'll practise on myself.

- We're in this business together.
- I'm not the sleeping partner.

- (Nurse) Simon!
- Here, hold this.

A-ha...

I'll be late tonight.
She's given me extra duty.

- What's wrong with her?
- I don't know. I'm off at 7:30.

- Same place?
- Yes.

Must fly,
Sister Virtue wants her tea.

(Thud and crash)

Taffy! Taffy!

What have you been doing? Come on.

- Come on.
- (Squeaks)

Hello...

Hurry up. She's screaming for that.

- She's on the warpath. Hurry.
- All right.

Nurse Gibson! That was orange pekoe!

(Taffy) Don't you cry,
my little pretty. Never you mind.

Don't you cry, my little beautiful.

- Think I ever looked like that?
- You still do.

(Simon) I'm worried about my first
call. I've never had a baby before.

Hey, this one's developing
antisocial tendencies, I think...

Yeah.

Ooh! (Whistles and tuts)

The more I read, the more I wonder
why Mother Nature didn't choose

a less complicated way
of populating the good earth.

I can't remember any of this stuff.
I suppose I'll manage in practice.

Stella, my flower, when we're
married, we'll raise geraniums.

Oh, no. We're going to have lots
of children. Six or seven, I think.

Six or seven? Get started on that.

(Gasps)

Hormones control the psychological
manifestation of emotions

and directly colour these emotions.

Take the so-called emotion of love.
After all, what are we?

Just a collection of cells,
nerve impulses,

collagen fibres and hormones.

- And so, of course, are women.
- Mmm... Lovely.

- (Stella whimpers)
- Move.

For Pete's sake.
I'd just got sight of her disc.

I've just found her eardrum.

Well, my disc is just as important
as your drum.

Look, that's the very first eardrum
I've ever seen.

Oh, any fool can see a drum, man.

- Help!
- It takes brains to see a disc.

And what are little girls made of?

(Choir)
# Good King Wenceslas looked out

# On the Feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about

# Deep and crisp and even

# Brightly shone the moon that night

# Though the frost was cruel... #

Christmas Eve.
What a time to start midwifery.

I hope no mother starts producing
in the next eight hours.

Don't worry, man. The people round
here go in for large families,

so the mother should know about it.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- You on call tonight?
- Yes.

- Ever had a birth before?
- Not actually.

The midwife will help you through.

Here's your tackle.
Check it before you go.

- Have you got your threepence?
- What for?

To telephone the hospital if you get
into trouble. Who's first out?

- (Both) Him.
- You'd better make up your minds.

- Well, it's quiet, anyway.
- Ha!

Once it starts, they pop up like
rabbits from a warren. Good hunting.

- Merry Christmas.
- And Merry Christmas to you, Sister.

(Giggles)

I just popped in
to see how things are.

- Quiet.
- Yes, same in Casualty.

I'm slipping up to Prudence Ward.

That Night Nurse.
I've been on her trail for weeks.

(Taffy)
And you said beware of nurses.

This one's all right.
Wants her stocking filled.

Well, Christmas Eve, you know.
See you later.

Well, toss you
for who has a baby first.

(Taffy) Tails.

Tails. It's me.

(Howls)

- Who's that?
- Benskin the Ravishing Reindeer.

You startled me.
What are you doing here?

Bringing presents
to good little girls.

You be careful.
Night Sister may be round.

I'd brave any sister
to wish you happy Christmas,

you luscious little
Florence Nightingale, you.

Don't be silly.
Would you like some cocoa?

Cocoa?! I didn't come for cocoa,
I came for you.

Now, wish me a happy Christmas,

you succulent starched uniform
with a soft centre.

Mr Benskin, I'll scream.

(Whimpers)

Not a very loud scream.

Well, I... couldn't wake the patients.

(Growls) Ooh...

Mr Sparrow, sir?

- Mr Sparrow?
- What?

- There's a case just come up.
- Oh, Lord. Where?

I've got the address here.
Mrs Cooper, an old customer.

This is her seventh.
23 Paradise Street.

- Thank you.
- What's the time?

- It's zero hour.
- Oh.

- Good luck, man.
- I think I shall need it.

The bicycle's outside.
Mind how you go.

It's a bit temperamental
until you're used to it.

(Cat squeals)

(Snoring)

Taffy! Taffy! Taffy, wake up!

Yes! Yes! Where's my bag?

- Taffy.
- Oh, I thought it was a baby.

Wake up. You've got to help me.
Something terrible has happened.

- What's up?
- That girl I popped up to see...

- Yes.
- Don't go to sleep!

- Go away!
- I was up there and feeling good,

with it being Christmas Eve
and her being cooperative...

- Disgusting.
- Eh?

Well, with the soft lights
and mistletoe and everything...

Strike me down, before I knew where
I was... I'd proposed to the woman.

- Did she accept?
- Accept? She said, "Yes, please."

(Laughs) Well, congratulations.
You'll make a lovely bride.

Why don't you tell her
it was only a joke?

Be hauled up for breach of promise
and kicked out of the hospital?

What can I do, Taffy?

It's beyond me, man.

Should've stuck to football, see?

- You sunbathing?
- I'm going to a maternity case.

- That's different, Doctor. Hop in.
- Thank you.

It's 23 Paradise Street.

Hello, hello...?

Hello. Grimsdyke?
You've got to help me.

- 'Who's that? '
- It's me!

Benskin.
Something terrible has happened...

(Chuckling)

A-ha... Mmm...

Mmm... I take it you're not sold
on marrying this ministering angel?

(Shouting, indistinct)

- Thanks.
- Want a hand, Doc?

- Father of twins myself.
- No, thanks.

- Happy Christmas.
- Same to you.

(Knock at door)

- Good evening.
- You'll have to hurry, Doctor.

She's getting near.
I've got the water boiling.

- Good. Is the midwife here?
- No.

- No.
- Stuck in the snow, probably.

Still,
doesn't matter now you're here.

Here's the doctor, love.

(Grimsdyke talking, indistinct)

You're a genius, old boy!
That's wonderful.

I'll get cracking.
Thanks, old man. Bye.

- We'll just have to be patient.
- I'll try, Doctor.

- Where's your husband?
- He's asleep next door.

Asleep?

- Does he always sleep when...?
- No, he didn't for the first three.

Oh, I see.

- Any sign yet, Doctor?
- Not yet. Any sign of the midwife?

No. I don't expect
she'll get here now.

- Oh. Is there a telephone nearby?
- Down at the corner.

- I'll pop down...
- Ooh, but it's out of order.

Oh... Well...
You'd better boil some more water.

More?! There's enough now
to bath the whole of Dr Barnardo's.

Grandma! Hot water. Quick!

(Baby crying)

Tony. Hey, Tony!

- Did you do it in time?
- Just.

It was a close thing, though.
A very close thing, old boy.

Good lad.

(Snoring)

(Nurses) Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, girls.
I've got news for you.

Tony Benskin proposed to me
last night and I accepted him.

He gave me this. Isn't he sweet?

(Sighs)

Me, too.

Well, goodbye, Mrs Cooper.
You've got a jolly nice baby.

The nicest one I ever had, Doctor.
Thanks to you.

- I didn't do much.
- Oh, but you did.

You made all the difference.
You were so kind.

I expect the doctor does hundreds
every day, don't you?

Well, not quite hundreds.

May I... May I call him after you,
Doctor? I would like to.

Yes, Mrs Cooper. Certainly,
if you'd like to. My name's Simon.

Simon. Oh, that is a nice name.
I'll call him Simon.

Then he'll be reminded of you
as long as he lives.

Thank you, Mrs Cooper.
It's a great honour.

Must be wonderful to be a doctor.

Yes... Yes, it must. Goodbye.

- Goodbye, Doctor.
- Bye, Simon.

(Church bells ringing)

(Shouting and cheering)

Come on, Tony.
Get your shoulders down!

Oh, he must get his...
Never mind that, darling.

Now, then, boys. Into it.
Heave! They're not made of feathers!

It's out! Swing the ball out
to the quarter boy! That's it!

Pick it up, man!

Go on there, Simon!

- Wonderful.
- What happened?

We scored, Dean. Have a swig.

- Thank you.
- Do you good.

Come on, Bolton.
Right through the timber, boy.

(Cheering)

- Congratulations. A wonderful game.
- Thank you, sir.

(Man) We're going
to burn the ruddy gorilla!

(All singing)

# Vio, vio, viola, viola, viola

# Vio, vio, viola, vio, viola

# Ich mit mein musicale,
come from Schlavischland

# Ich kan spieler,
vosch kan spieler... #

Crispins are here!

# Vio, vio, viola, viola, viola

# Vio, vio, viola, vio, viola... #

Crispins... Quiet, everybody!
Crispins are here!

Crispins are here!

(Drunken singing)

- Crispins are here!
- # Vio, vio, viola, viola, viola

# Vio, vio, viola,

# Vio, viola! #

- Whoa!
- Crispins are here!

They're trying to kidnap Hubert!

(Shouting)

(Man) We'll burn the ruddy monkey!

Push me in, go on, then!
Not backwards! Forwards!

Oh, put me down!
Put me down! Let me go!

Help! Put me down! Put me down!

Please! Help!

Help! Help!

(Confused shouting)

Come on! Hold it!
You're pulling the church with it.

Come on, fellows.
Let's take the ambulance.

Come on! Hurry! Hurry! Come on!

- Come on, Taffy.
- I'm with you.

Hey, come on, fellas.
You'll never catch them in that.

- Come on!
- I've only got two legs!

- Made it!
- Shut the door!

(Ambulance bell)

Watch it, Tony.

- Help! Help!
- You stay down there.

Hold on! Oh!

- (Passing horn)
- Learn to drive!

- (Grimsdyke) Get the gorilla.
- Come on. This side. It's safe.

- Back to St Swithins, my boy.
- (Taffy) Get out of the way!

(Tony) Hey, the police!

(Bells and whistles)

- Are you the driver?
- If you like.

Come on. Come on.

Nurse, ask the officer
to kindly close the door.

(High voice) Didn't you hear
the doctor? Shut the door.

- Something wrong?
- Urgent casualty.

- A matter of life and...
- (Taffy) Death.

(Grimsdyke)
We must drive to the hospital.

We're all going for a nice drive
but not to the hospital...

- Nursie, darling.
- (High voice) No?

Students? What sort of students?

- Veterinary, I presume.
- Oh, no, sir. Medical, sir.

Oh? Is that a medical student, too?
It might well be.

It has the same lofty and hygienic
appearance as the rest of them.

No, it's a mascot, sir.
It was in this football match...

Oh, it plays football, does it?
On ice?

No, sir. Not play, sir.
It was on the touchline.

Thumping its chest,
bellowing "pass"?

I don't understand why it was in
the ambulance. Can you enlighten me?

- We were rescuing it, sir.
- You were the nurse?

Yes, sir.

Not very convincing casting,
to use a theatrical expression.

Well, this won't do. The court
has more to occupy itself with

than the rescue of gorillas
in distress...

stuffed or unstuffed.

Have any of you anything more
you wish to say? You?

- No, sir.
- You?

- No, sir.
- You?

- No, sir.
- You?

- No, sir.
- You are fined 40 shillings each.

I have no doubt that your hospital
will have more to say in the matter.

It is unnecessary to say
that your conduct has been unfitting

for members
of the medical profession.

- You will agree, gentlemen.
- Disgusting.

You will each be fined ten pounds,

and I warn you, if any of you commit
the slightest breach of discipline

during the rest of your time here,

you will be expelled
from the medical school forthwith.

That is all.

I will not tolerate this rowdyism.

Ten quid! I can't raise that.

It's twelve with the two
the magistrate gave us.

I've already pawned my microscope.

Well, Mrs Rivington-Lomax can't help.
I've just paid for the car.

We're done. Pay fines in 24 hours -
that's the rule.

(Sir Lancelot coughs)

You realise, you miserable worms,
that you have disgraced the hospital?

Well, you've had your punishment,
and richly deserved, too.

In my day,
they'd have thrown you out.

Behaving like hooligans
because we won a football match.

Here, you. Take this prescription
and get it filled straight away.

The old so-and-so.

- What's his prescription for?
- Arsenic for himself, I hope.

What does it say, Simon?

"Pay Simon Sparrow 40 pounds -
Lancelot Spratt."

Stella, my little flower,

would you give me
a long, lingering kiss?

- No.
- Why?

- I'm reading.
- What?

A pamphlet about Spain.

About Spain? Why?

I think I might go there.

What for?

You'll never be a doctor, ever.

You should be studying
for your final exams

and all you do
is lie on that sofa and dream.

Nonsense.
The finals aren't for ages yet.

The finals are in exactly four weeks.

Tony! Taffy!

- The finals are in four weeks!
- Four weeks!

Four weeks! I'm sunk, man.

Holy cats!
Where are my notebooks?

Joy, tell me the answer, please.

- Don't you know?
- No.

- Guess.
- I can't. Go on. Tell me, please.

All right.

Six grains for three doses, followed
by three grains for two days,

and half that dose for two days.

- I'll never pass.
- Of course you will.

I'll ask you something else.

What are the signs and symptoms
of pink disease?

I didn't know there was such a thing.
Joy?

- Yes?
- I've been thinking.

If I do qualify, I shan't
be seeing so much of you, shall I?

- No, I suppose not.
- Are you always going to be a nurse?

I expect so. Is a presystolic murmur
diagnostic of mitral stenosis?

Yes.

It would be funny if we met some time
in a hospital and we were both old,

and you were a matron,
and I was a Harley Street specialist.

Yes.

You'd better ask me something else.

- Do you mind doing this?
- Of course I don't mind.

What is the treatment for...?

(Church bells chime)

- What's it striking?
- What? Quarter to.

I haven't got a late pass.
I must dash!

I'll come with you.

- What's the time?
- Three minutes past.

- I'll have to get over the roof.
- I'll help you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

See you in the wards,
and don't worry about the exam.

Good night.

(Dean)... it's a question
for the governors.

Until they give a decision,
our hands are completely tied.

I agree, but we could hurry them up.

Well, you know what governors are.

- What was that?
- One of those cats, I should think.

Matron, about that meeting...

- (Pot smashes)
- Hey!

(Screams)

Help! Help!
There's a man in my room!

Oh!

- Sister Virtue!
- Mr Sparrow! Good of you to drop in.

- I slipped.
- You certainly did, Mr Sparrow.

Simon! Simon, are you all right?

Oh, Nurse Gibson, won't you join us?

- Oh!
- Oh!

You know that it is against the rules
of the medical school

for a student to enter the nurses'
home on any pretext.

Yes, sir. I didn't actually mean
to enter them, sir.

That is, to say the least,
questionable,

as you were with one of the inmates.

And anyway, the roof is equally
out of bounds. Is it not?

- Yes, sir.
- Your conduct was incompatible

with that required
of a future doctor.

You are expelled forthwith
from the medical school.

- But, sir, I...
- That's all, Mr Sparrow.

Wait a minute, boy.

I say, Dean. I know rules are rules
but he hasn't done the girl any harm,

and it's just before his finals.

He should have considered that
before.

Oh, but medical students
are medical students, not choirboys.

Besides, he's the finest rugby player
we've had.

I am dean of a medical school,
not a football manager.

No, I'm afraid my decision
is irrevocable, Sir Lancelot.

Parrish, do you remember
when we were students?

There was a terrific rag one term
after some match.

- There were plenty.
- I'm reminded of one particular one,

where someone led a horse
into the nurses' home.

Oh, I remember.
It was a large white one, wasn't it?

- Well, it was large.
- That's it.

- This is irrelevant.
- He got a nurse to play Lady Godiva

and ride around the courtyard.

- She did, bless her.
- Who was it? I can't remember.

I expect I'm the only person
who hasn't forgotten.

- I remember who it was.
- Sir Lancelot...

Pity these stories should die.

I think I'll tell that one
to the students as light relief.

They'd love it, especially
if they knew who was involved.

Who was it? Do remind me, I...
Oh, yes. I remember now.

Yes, that story would be quite
sensational if it got around.

(Sir Lancelot)
Just what I was thinking.

Mr Sparrow, would you wait outside?

Well, he sacked me, then they started
talking about horses or something.

Then he said he'd changed his mind
and fined me ten quid

and the cost of the skylight.

- What happened to you?
- It was extraordinary.

I was in Sister Virtue's office
waiting, and the phone went.

She answered, talked for a bit,
then went white.

I thought she'd pass out.

Then she hung up and said
this time, she'd overlook it.

- Who was on the phone?
- It sounded like Sir Lancelot.

- What did he say?
- I thought I heard "Lady Godiva".

- Mmm?
- Lady Godiva.

Sit down, my boy. Sit down.
Don't waste time.

Now, do you know which mosquitoes
transmit disease to man?

Malaria.
The female anopheline mosquito.

Yes, a theory first postulated
in 1894 by Sir Patrick Manson.

Manson... I remember him well.

Charming man. Charming. We met at the
BMA meeting in 1914... or was it '13?

Well, it might have been '19.
Now, how do you diagnose malaria?

Erm... Spleen?

Yes, that's right. Oh, very good,
my boy. Very good. Your question.

What is the commonest cause
of acute heart failure?

Shock, sir. Severe shock.

Now, my lad. Take a look in there
and tell me what you can see.

Be careful. Those things cost money.

Well, what is it?

- Trichinosis, sir.
- What?

It's some kind of worm.
I can't quite recognise them.

Worms?

Perhaps if you removed your tie from
the field of vision, it would help.

Sorry, sir.

(Crash, glass shattering)

That would be the worms turning,
I presume.

Well, my boy. Where do you come from?

St Swithins, sir. Number 306.

Right. Now, you see these screens?

Well, behind these
are ladies and gentlemen

who volunteered to be prodded around
by you blighters,

so you can tell us what's wrong.

You go to number ten,
make a thorough diagnosis,

and I'll come along and see
what you've rooted out.

- Hello, guv'nor.
- Briggs! What are you doing here?

- How's that little nurse?
- Fine. I thought we'd cured you.

I've got new things now.
Beautiful mess, I am.

I'm their most interesting case
for years. I've got thyro...

- I've got to find out myself.
- Don't interrupt. Thyrotoxicosis,

thrombophlebitis obliterans,
tremors of the fingers,

- loss of weight, palpitations...
- Shut up. Be quiet.

- Ribs, sir.
- What's wrong with them?

- Empyema, sir.
- Mm-hmm.

And that?

- Femur, sir.
- Anything the matter?

- Erm... osteomyelitis, sir?
- Mm-hmm.

Would you mind? And that?

Well, come on. Come on. Come on.

Sir, it looks like pickled gherkins.

And this?

There's thyrotoxicosis.
The symptoms are loss of weight...

- Yes.
...tremors of the fingers...

- Yes.
...and he complains of palpitations.

- Any auricular fibrillation?
- No. No auricular fibrillation.

Excellent. Excellent.
And what's the treatment?

Well, er...

- Well?
- Operation. Partial thyroidectomy.

Splendid. Splendid.

My dear sir, I'm glad you're teaching
surgery at St Swithins at last.

This fellow
gave a first-rate diagnosis.

Really? Good afternoon, Mr Briggs.
We've met before, haven't we?

He's a bright lad.
Sorry you didn't hear him.

So am I. Perhaps he would diagnose
another case?

Well, er... one's the rule.

I'm sure Mr Sparrow wouldn't mind
being an exception to the rule.

Oh, very well.
He's a pleasure to listen to.

See what you make of the case next
door, my lad. It's a real stinker.

Next, whoever you are!

(Knock)

Come on. don't keep me
hanging about here all day.

Right.

I'm a jolly young woman,
23 next birthday,

and I complain of putting on weight.
What do you do?

May one ask if you are jolly
in an attractive way, sir?

I wouldn't waste my time being
knock-kneed with a squint.

Well, then, I should send you
to an antenatal clinic.

Oh, good heavens, man.

If you send every pretty woman
to an ante-natal clinic,

you won't stay in practice long.

- St Swithins?
- Yes, sir.

I thought so.
You all have one-track minds.

All right. I'm a year-old baby
and I'm brought to you

with a pain in the tummy
and yelling blue murder. Waaah!

Well?

I'd ask
if there was anything missing, sir?

- What sort of thing?
- Well, for example, a doorknob.

A doorknob! More likely to be a knob
off the television set nowadays.

Well, what would the symptoms be?

All right. I've swallowed a doorknob.
What would my symptoms be?

Well, I should say mild indigestion.

You would, would you?
What are you going to do?

Give me castor oil and hope?

No, sir. Locate the object
and remove it.

I should ruddy well think so.

And how would you locate the object?

I hope the X-ray department
would help, sir.

- We're on a desert island.
- There wouldn't be a doorknob.

Nonsense. I sell doorknobs and I've
saved my samples from the wreck.

Well, where would it be?

Well... in the oesophagus, sir,
or the stomach,

or the duodenum or the jejunum.

- Do you know where the jejunum is?
- Below the stomach, sir.

Is the object a long-distance runner?

- Do you know where the caecum is?
- Yes, sir.

- All right. Show me.
- Yes.

- There.
- It won't bite you, boy.

- Where?
- In there, sir.

All right. I said show me, not tear
it out with your bare hands.

It's by Mcburney's point.
Where's that?

- Mcburney's point, sir?
- Yes. Do you know?

- It's slipped my memory, sir.
- It's no business to.

Supposing I got to a man's appendix
by cutting off his feet

because I'd forgotten where it was.

Mcburney's point, you ignoramus...
Take your coat off. I'll show you.

- Go on, take your coat off!
- Yes, sir.

Great heavens alive, man.

- What on earth is that?
- A waistcoat, sir.

You have the effrontery to face
the examiners like that?!

In all my years,
I've never seen anything like it.

Thank you, sir. I've never seen
anything like it either.

Rather fewer than usual.
The standard's definitely dropping.

People say that every year.
I failed three times myself.

Doesn't mean a thing.
Here, let's have a look.

- What, him?
- Mmm...

- And him?
- Yes.

- Not him?!
- No!

And him?

Well, it's a good job there aren't
exams for elderly eminent surgeons,

otherwise, I should have to take up
the other kind of butchery.

Here, Jessup. Let them have it.

Hello. Hello. Ah, Dr Evans!

Why so gloomy?
You passed. Got a job, too, I hear.

Oh, yes. Assistant medical officer
in a prison.

- A woman's prison, too.
- Oh!

I start work at Holloway on Monday,
so it's goodbye to this.

- I'm sorry you failed.
- Bad show.

- How's it coming on, Taffy?
- Fine.

Yeah. I've got a date.
New nurse. Real smasher.

- Next term should be all right.
- Well, good luck.

- Grimsdyke, when does Stella leave?
- I don't.

I thought if you failed,
she was leaving.

She was, but since I started working,
she got interested in the noble art.

She joins me as a student next term.

Oh, goody-goody!

I'll be a doctor's husband.
Wonderful!

- You get all the luck.
- Luck? That's long-term planning.

- Mrs Rivington-Lomax.
- Mrs Rivington-Lomax.

Dr Sparrow? Dr Sparrow, sir,
a message from Dr Stewart.

He says will you take over
in Casualty. He's been called out.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I've forgotten my stethoscope.
Anybody got one?

- I won't be long.
- Good luck, Simon.

Simon.

- Hmm?
- Good luck.

Oh, thank you.

I've collected rather a lot of these.
Do you mind taking some back for me?

What a shame.
Your first night as a doctor.

Yes, I suppose
it'll always be like this now.

- Blimey, a doctor.
- Do you feel different?

Yes, I do, rather.

I've suddenly realised
a lot of things.

- A lot. Joy, I...
- Yes, Simon?

(Jessup) Dr Sparrow?

- Will you wait for me?
- Yes, I'll wait.

Thanks.