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1
00:00:04,421 --> 00:00:07,131
Hey, what are you doing
here on Christmas break?
2
00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,675
Uh, funny, I could ask
you the same thing.
3
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,260
Ah, you're out of toilet paper.
4
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:13,804
Yeah, I'm out of toilet paper.
5
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:17,391
What are you doing here?
6
00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:20,311
I-I just came to get the
milk before it expired,
7
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,438
so if anything, I'm helping.
8
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,857
Gerald loves his milk.
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,485
Thank you.
10
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:30,072
Oh. Wh-Wha...
11
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:33,950
What? Did you actually think
12
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:36,744
I was gonna buy another
tree?
13
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:39,163
Um, okay. Well, since
we're all gathered here,
14
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,082
I'd love to take
this opportunity
15
00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,833
to formally invite you to
my house for Christmas Eve.
16
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,253
There'll be cookies
and toilet paper, so...
17
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,463
Yeah, sorry,
kiddo. Can't do it.
18
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:49,590
Barb and I already
have dinner plans.
19
00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,175
Yeah, and I've already been
to one of your parties.
20
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,511
I think once is enough, right?
21
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,221
Okay, well, I guess that means
it'll just be me and Gregory.
22
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,681
As it should be.
23
00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,140
Good morning, everyone.
24
00:00:58,141 --> 00:00:59,810
And what are you here to steal?
25
00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:04,355
- These.
- Oh, yeah.
26
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:06,023
I forgot that we
had no school today.
27
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,858
I saw Melissa leave, and
I thought I was late.
28
00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:10,194
I mean, she leaves her place
without me all the time.
29
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,905
There she goes. Melissa!
Melissa, wait for me!
30
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:28,587
Okay. Ugh, no!
31
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,131
Jacob, I said
julienne the carrots.
32
00:01:30,132 --> 00:01:32,508
Yeah, dude, like this.
33
00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,385
No, not like that.
They were julienned...
34
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:37,013
Ugh.
35
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,472
You guys, this dinner
has to be perfect.
36
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:39,765
No, right, I get it.
37
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,142
It... It's special
because it's your family.
38
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,144
Nah, I don't care about them.
39
00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,146
They took me out of rotation
for hosting Christmas Eve dinner
40
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,772
'cause I'm not married anymore,
41
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,524
so I gotta prove to 'em
I don't need a husband.
42
00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:51,569
Baby girl, you don't need to
prove anything to anybody.
43
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:52,987
No, dummy, I do.
44
00:01:52,988 --> 00:01:54,780
My family's gonna show up here,
45
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,574
and they're gonna
look for any reason
46
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,534
to pick apart my food
and say it's skivose.
47
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:05,333
Oh. Jeez, are we early?
48
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,625
Why aren't you dressed yet?
49
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,502
It's nice to see you, too, sis.
50
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:10,005
Dom.
51
00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,258
Whoa. Okay.
52
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,885
Oh, wow. Yeah.
53
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:17,553
So... So these are overcooked.
54
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,597
Right, but the last
batch was undercooked.
55
00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,015
I'm still experimenting
with the timing.
56
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:23,225
It's good to have options.
57
00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:24,643
You know what? I don't
even like cookies,
58
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,103
so this is great.
59
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,064
Okay. Look, so,
I know your vote
60
00:02:28,065 --> 00:02:30,358
was to watch "Muppets
Christmas Carol" first.
61
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:32,360
Mm-hmm. And my vote was
to watch "Elf" first.
62
00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:34,695
I was thinking the perfect
middle ground might be
63
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,281
Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause."
Tim Allen's "The Santa Clause."
64
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,617
Okay.
65
00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:43,037
I only made cookies
in case anyone shows up.
66
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:46,248
I'm actually very excited
it's just me and Gregory.
67
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:49,168
First Christmas Eve together
is a big one, you know?
68
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:52,546
It's right up there with
first kiss or first fight
69
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,257
or first time farting
in front of each other.
70
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:58,219
Gregory's not there
yet on that one.
71
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,472
So, I know we said we were gonna
do our gift exchange later,
72
00:03:01,473 --> 00:03:03,891
but I have one little
surprise that can't wait.
73
00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,351
It's not an Orioles
jersey, is it?
74
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,728
Even better.
75
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,900
Yeah, I'm not wearing this.
76
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,153
Okay.
77
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:18,239
Honey, you trying something
different with your makeup?
78
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,616
You're so brave. Thanks, Mom.
79
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,910
I love visiting you, Mel.
Something about being around you
80
00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,745
really makes me feel
better about myself.
81
00:03:24,746 --> 00:03:27,248
And that's why I love
having you, Anthony.
82
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,500
Marie, d-did this
place get smaller?
83
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,086
I'm Melissa. And no, my place
did not magically shrink.
84
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,130
Ah, I guess you just
got bigger then.
85
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,257
Archie.
86
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,050
What would she need
a bigger place for?
87
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,970
She lives with a roommate,
unmarried and alone.
88
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,805
You're so insensitive. Me?
89
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,848
Yes. What?
90
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,642
Oh, thank God. Hi.
91
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,562
Merry Christmas,
Melissa. Merry Christmas.
92
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,689
Ah, thanks for having
us. So glad you're here.
93
00:03:51,690 --> 00:03:53,983
Well, look, mm, if it
isn't my favorite chef.
94
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:55,526
Well, excuse you.
95
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,652
Oh, baby, you're
my favorite person.
96
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,404
Okay, I forgive you.
97
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:02,408
Uh, nobody told me this is one
of those progressive dinners.
98
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,660
Do you want to get strangled?
99
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,163
Okay, no, I-I've been preparing
for this moment for years.
100
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:08,539
Okay, okay, what do I do?
101
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,666
No, you know what? I'm
just gonna take a nap
102
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,418
here on your god-awful couch.
103
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,670
Okay, good idea, but, Uncle
Archie, take it upstairs.
104
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:15,880
What? Move it upstairs,
105
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,591
away from people. Ah...
106
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,176
I'm so sorry.
107
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,844
Oh, honey, that's alright.
108
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,722
We have grace for people who
are about to meet their maker.
109
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,849
Or the other guy.
110
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:29,727
So that was Uncle
Racist, I mean Archie.
111
00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:31,729
Uh, that's Kristin
Marie, Dom, Marie,
112
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,023
Mark, Mary, Matthew,
Maria Christina,
113
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,609
Craig, Girl Toni... Boy
Tony's still in prison,
114
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,694
but there's a card for him
if you want to sign it...
115
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,321
uh, Larry, Anthony, Seamus,
116
00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:41,739
there's about 30
kids in the basement,
117
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:44,283
and how could we forget
the wonderful matriarch,
118
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,619
Mrs. Teresa
Schemmenti. My mom.
119
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,454
Oh. You forgot Nancy.
120
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,915
Uh, no, there's... There's
nobody here named Nancy.
121
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,791
I was talking about
you and your boyfriend.
122
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:54,210
Come on.
Okay, normally
123
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:56,420
I respect my elders, but
this guy is this close.
124
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,714
- Okay. Go. Go, you jabroni.
- Get upstairs.
125
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:04,220
Do we have to watch basketball?
126
00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,805
If I'm wearing this,
we're watching that.
127
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,640
Oh, you look so cute!
128
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,935
Wonder who that could
be.
129
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,854
Maybe Santa came early.
130
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,106
Ah, kind of right.
Hi, Mr. Johnson.
131
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,650
Are you here for our
little get-together?
132
00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,611
Of course not. I know an
empty offer when I hear one.
133
00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:22,196
I'm here to drop off
tidings of comfort
134
00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,448
for you and your big-ass feet.
135
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:26,951
And tidings of joy for you.
136
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:29,912
"How to Have a Personality."
How thoughtful.
137
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,998
Merry Christmas, people.
I'm off to the North Pole.
138
00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:33,959
Ugh. Yeah, have fun.
139
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,918
Ah, Ava! It's Ava.
140
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:39,213
Oh, hey! Ava here with
us on Christmas Eve.
141
00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,382
Merry. Yes! What
are you doing here?
142
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:42,633
I thought you said
you couldn't make it.
143
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,093
I'm unpredictable.
144
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,178
That's what people
love about me.
145
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,638
And it's a good
thing I did come,
146
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,640
'cause it's bleak
as hell in here.
147
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,851
Oh, going with a Charlie
Brown theme this year?
148
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,477
Well, I think his tree
had more branches,
149
00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:55,145
but least you got
your own Franklin.
150
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,566
Oh, Janine, where you
get these decorations,
151
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,651
the dollar store?
152
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,653
So, actually, there's this new
board game called Imprisonment.
153
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,780
And on a micro level, it's
about escaping prison.
154
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:06,657
But on a macro level...
Why don't you go grab it
155
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:08,659
and show me, and
I'll be right here?
156
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:09,953
Oh. Yeah.
157
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:14,873
What happened with you
and the firefighter?
158
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,710
He was a firefighter.
He fights fires.
159
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,587
Yeah, but, Mom, we're
just dating, you know?
160
00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:21,255
He's not Christmas level yet.
161
00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:23,966
Oh, you want to be
lonely on Christmas.
162
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,260
Makes for great sad songs.
163
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,721
Oh, God. I love sad
Christmas songs.
164
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,722
You know, someone's
got to inspire them.
165
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,640
Why not Mel?
166
00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,434
Oh, yeah? I'm sad?
167
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,935
You're drunk, and
it's not even dinner.
168
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,813
Okay, I'm not drunk.
I have Bell's palsy.
169
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,690
Okay, well, how you explain the
other side of your face, then?
170
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,693
Oh! Come on. Oh. Oh.
171
00:06:48,533 --> 00:06:50,118
Sorry.
172
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,963
No, no, no, no, no.
173
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,965
Breathe, you bigot, breathe.
174
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,675
Oh.
175
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:08,427
Hello. Uh,
176
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,721
non-responsive old person. Over.
177
00:07:10,722 --> 00:07:13,057
How does this even work?
178
00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,725
Oh, bro, word of warning,
179
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,269
don't say anything even lukewarm
about "Rocky" to these people.
180
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,772
Caleb, I think
Melissa's uncle is dead.
181
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,149
You know CPR, don't
you? What? No.
182
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,817
What do you mean? You're...
You're a personal trainer.
183
00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:26,362
You don't know CPR?
I'm a TikTok trainer.
184
00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,197
You're a teacher.
Don't you know CPR?
185
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,282
I was very distracted
during my CPR class, okay?
186
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:31,950
And I'm terrible in a crisis.
187
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,453
Okay.
188
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,207
Bro, he's super dead.
189
00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:41,585
Melissa, can I talk
to you real quick?
190
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,128
Yeah.
191
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,421
I'm making pesto.
What do you need?
192
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:46,215
Oh, um...
193
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,468
Your, um...
194
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,012
What? Spit it out.
Open your mouth.
195
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,931
What do you think?
196
00:07:53,932 --> 00:07:56,225
Fire. Your uncle is dead.
197
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,727
What are you
trying to tell me, Jacob?
198
00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:00,688
He's sleeping with a fish?
199
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,189
Nah, he's... he's stunad.
200
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,816
He sleeps heavy.
He's got that apnea.
201
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,526
Uh, I checked his pulse.
202
00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,238
That man is definitely
un-alived on top of the coats.
203
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:14,660
No. No way.
204
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:15,786
No way.
205
00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:17,413
I will call 911.
206
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:20,374
You go talk to the family.
207
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,960
Yeah, not so fast, there, buddy.
208
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,505
If he's dead, he's not gonna
be any deader after dinner.
209
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,632
Melissa! Okay,
listen to me, Jacob.
210
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:31,009
I've been working on this
dinner for two weeks.
211
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,303
If we tell everybody,
it all goes to hell.
212
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,848
Right along with Uncle Archie.
213
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,267
Mmm, flames. Plus,
they're gonna blame me.
214
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,227
How? What? You've
seen my family.
215
00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,311
They'll find a way.
216
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,980
Melissa,
is dinner ready,
217
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:45,816
or should I have yet another
frickin' cracker and cheese?
218
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:47,317
Last year at
Cousin Annette's was beautiful.
219
00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,236
She always has
dinner out on time!
220
00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,238
Okay, so look, in
an hour and a half,
221
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:54,158
we'll call 911, and we'll
tell them he's dead, okay?
222
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,994
After dinner.
223
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,871
Melissa, you need some help?
224
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,581
Barb. What?
225
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,666
Her uncle is dead upstairs,
226
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,960
and she wants to wait to tell
everybody until after dinner.
227
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,420
Please tell her this is insane.
228
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:07,921
Melissa, are you okay?
229
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:09,673
Yeah, yeah. Can you
get me the "focacch"?
230
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:11,592
Right over there.
231
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,719
Okay.
232
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,929
Uh, look, she's good, I'm
good. It's her dinner.
233
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,348
And, um, a nap is
a nice way to go.
234
00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:20,100
Gerald's very hungry. Okay.
235
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,311
There is a dead guy in my bed.
236
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,563
Jacob, please do not
make this all about you.
237
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,564
I mean.
238
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,608
Ooh.
239
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:31,361
Fuego. Fue-go.
240
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,155
So, Ava, I'm surprised
you don't have
241
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,032
any plans for Christmas Eve.
242
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:37,576
You know, nothing with
friends, family, rappers?
243
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,953
Well, I've already been by
the home to see my grandma.
244
00:09:39,954 --> 00:09:41,830
She took down three candy canes,
245
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,124
unwrapped someone else's
present, and then fell asleep.
246
00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:46,126
My queen.
247
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,545
I don't have any
other family here. Ah.
248
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,547
So, I met Ava's
dad at the barbershop.
249
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:53,592
I mind my own business, so I
haven't told Janine yet, but
250
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:55,677
decided it was information
I wasn't supposed to have.
251
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,388
I tipped handsomely, and
I put it out of my head.
252
00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:00,599
Plus, all my friends
have kids now.
253
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,560
Do you know what it's
like to be around kids?
254
00:10:03,561 --> 00:10:05,395
Yes, we work at a school.
255
00:10:05,396 --> 00:10:06,897
So you get it. How
about we just watch
256
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,315
a Christmas movie? Yeah.
257
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,983
Gregory has somehow never
seen "The Santa Clause 2,"
258
00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,652
so we'll just start with that.
259
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,321
I've had enough Christmas cheer.
Let's throw on a horror movie.
260
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,366
I'm thinking something in
the home invasion subgenre.
261
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,867
Yeah, you know a little
something about that.
262
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:22,246
The only
thing I want invading my home
263
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:25,123
is Tim Allen as the
jolly, old, fat man, so...
264
00:10:25,124 --> 00:10:26,542
Horror movie it is.
265
00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:28,794
Just close your eyes for
one hour and 44 minutes.
266
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:30,420
That's probably the equivalent
of eight hours of sleep
267
00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,173
for somebody of
your size, anyway.
268
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,968
Hey, yo, where you going?
269
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,970
I'm grabbing my jacket.
I'm gonna smoke a cig.
270
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,429
Yeah, no, you don't
have to do that.
271
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:41,557
Uh, Jacob will get it for you.
272
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,560
Yeah, right. I got a pocket
full of Lifesavers up there.
273
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,145
There's no way I'm
losing all my pineapple
274
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:48,147
to your live-in
butler's sticky fingers.
275
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,940
Ah, well, joke's on you.
I-I stopped eating those
276
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,567
after I almost choked
on one in college
277
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,652
but was saved by the
tiny hole in the center.
278
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,737
Talk about a lifesaver. Yeah,
and you don't need your jacket.
279
00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:57,072
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, Kristin Marie,
280
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,199
I got these new...
these smoking blankets.
281
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,367
Everybody's doing it now.
282
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:02,035
Smoking blankets? Yeah.
283
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,996
Ooh. Classy. Nice. Right?
284
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,915
Okay. Looks good on you.
285
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,083
Okay, that was close.
286
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,835
And I just lost my best throw.
287
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:11,169
It's gonna smell
like a VFW hall,
288
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:12,629
but we're almost there.
289
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,591
Dinner, and then we're
home free, okay? Be cool.
290
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:18,886
I need to use the bathroom,
but I don't want to miss
291
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,554
the dudes in animal masks chopping
people up.
292
00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,140
Right.
293
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,187
This is not how I envisioned our
first Christmas Eve together.
294
00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,690
She's even more Ava than usual.
295
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,066
Yeah. Could you
ask her to leave?
296
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:34,693
She'll take it better
coming from you.
297
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,070
Um...
298
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:40,073
Alright, I'll talk to her.
299
00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,451
Thank you.
300
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,037
Your hand soap is cheap!
301
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,707
Hey, can I talk to
you for a second?
302
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:50,584
About how dumb you two look
in those footie pajamas?
303
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,253
No, we're on the same
page there, but, um...
304
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,340
Are you good? Yeah,
I'm great. Why?
305
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,925
It's just that earlier
you said you didn't have
306
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,053
any other family
in Philly, and...
307
00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:03,222
I met your dad.
308
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:06,850
Where?
309
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,103
The barbershop.
He was my barber.
310
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:13,190
Okay.
311
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:15,484
I mean, okay, I'm not trying
to get into your business,
312
00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:19,154
but I wanted to check
in 'cause, you know...
313
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:20,989
it's Christmas.
314
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,908
Obviously, it's not
a good relationship.
315
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,118
I don't speak to my dad.
316
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,620
Wow, what a cool topic
for you to bring up
317
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,247
on our first Christmas
Eve together.
318
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,831
I shoulda known your
ass couldn't be festive.
319
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:33,502
Look, look, I'm sorry to bring
it up, I-I really am, I just...
320
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,462
I just knew technically it
wasn't true, and sometimes...
321
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,589
I get it. But besides him,
322
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:38,966
I really don't have
any other family.
323
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,843
So I'm here with my
work family or whatever.
324
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:45,013
Oh, man, Ava, I didn't
know that you...
325
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:47,641
Shut up. And don't say
anything to Jeanine,
326
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,101
because that elf-size
elf would try
327
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,769
to perform some
Christmas miracle
328
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,521
and reunite me with that man.
329
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:53,814
And I don't need pity from her
330
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:57,067
or you, a man without
a regular barber.
331
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,070
My guy was out of
town. Yeah, okay.
332
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,824
So how'd
she take it? I mean,
333
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:05,283
she probably has somewhere
better to be anyway, right?
334
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,787
I mean, well, look,
I-I technically
335
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,247
didn't ask her to leave.
336
00:13:10,248 --> 00:13:11,957
What? Why?
337
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,000
It's Christmas, you know?
338
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:16,795
Yes, and she is ruining ours.
339
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:20,173
I think we should
just let her stay.
340
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:23,552
What are you not telling me?
341
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,846
I can't tell you. What?
342
00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:27,889
I told Ava I wouldn't say.
343
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:31,268
Oh, so you and Ava are
keeping secrets now?
344
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:35,856
Janine, why we watching
a wack-ass fire?
345
00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,316
And where's the remote?
346
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,612
I found it.
347
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:47,701
Delicious. Mmm.
348
00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:50,287
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
Seamus, where you going, man?
349
00:13:50,288 --> 00:13:52,539
"Seamuson's" gotta make
more room for Jameson.
350
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:55,459
Ha, ha. Okay. How about
downstairs bathroom, man?
351
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,294
You can't use upstairs.
Jacob cracked the bowl.
352
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,046
I don't even want
to tell you how.
353
00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,881
I'm surprised you
pulled this off.
354
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:03,175
I guess I didn't need to
defrost the frutti di mare
355
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,053
I had at home as a backup
dinner for me and Dom. Ah.
356
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,138
You know, if this were just
a little less mooshad...
357
00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,057
Yeah, a little mushy. Yeah.
358
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:13,686
This could have almost
passed for Nona's rollatini.
359
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,944
Well, there you
have it, Melissa.
360
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,821
An undeniable success. So...
361
00:14:24,822 --> 00:14:26,573
Did you hear what
my mother said?
362
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,658
Jacob, she said it was
almost as good as Nona's.
363
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:30,827
She's never given me a
compliment that good.
364
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:33,497
I don't know no Nona,
but I gotta agree.
365
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,582
Okay, I-I think it might
be time to call 911.
366
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,084
Oh.
367
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,210
Melissa, Gerald
would like to know
368
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,920
when will dessert be served.
369
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:43,131
Jacob, listen. This dinner
won't be a complete success
370
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,675
until everyone has schkarfed
down the last bite of cannoli
371
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:47,552
and cried their eyes out
372
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:51,515
over how delicately each
shell compliments the ricot.
373
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:55,644
I just want everyone to
be so, so full and happy
374
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:57,771
that when they're looking
in the bathroom mirror
375
00:14:57,772 --> 00:14:59,147
and gulping down Brioschi,
376
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,108
they're thinking,
"You know what?
377
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,276
Melissa really is
the best of us.
378
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:06,363
And I'm just a lowly
piece of"
379
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,199
I have cooked those
kind of dinners before.
380
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,242
Yeah. I think I've
been pretty patient...
381
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:12,202
Hush!
382
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:15,038
Oh, boy. I know what that is.
383
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:17,249
Schemmenti cannoli?
384
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,625
To die for.
385
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,464
No, not yet.
386
00:15:24,465 --> 00:15:26,258
Okay, who's ready for...
387
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,343
Hang on. Hang on, one sec.
388
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:33,098
Ashpet, ashpet, I'm
coming, I'm coming!
389
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,766
Okay. Hi.
390
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,810
Mr. Johnson-Claus is
here with tidings.
391
00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,687
Got you some red hair
dye to fix those roots.
392
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,606
And tell Jacob he's picking
me up at 8:00 a.m. Sunday.
393
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,192
I got him the gift of
taking me sledding.
394
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:46,695
Thanks. Uh, sorry,
but I can't stay.
395
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,446
Gotta get to the North Pole.
396
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,240
Vixen and Dancer
are waiting for me.
397
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:53,034
Okay. Merry Christmas.
398
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,744
- Alright, now...
- There we go.
399
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,037
- Alright. Oh.
- Who's ready for dessert?
400
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,916
Oh,
wait. Don't eat them yet,
401
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,334
you "schkarfatoons."
402
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:02,711
Oh, first she
tells us to eat it,
403
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,671
and then she yells
at us not to eat it.
404
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:08,258
She can't make up her mind.
What do you want from us?
405
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,384
Hey, what the hell
are you doing here?
406
00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:11,344
I told you you weren't
invited to this.
407
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,263
I didn't come to your dinner.
I respect your wishes.
408
00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:15,682
Paramedics got a DeathAlert
ring from this house.
409
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:17,225
I saw the address on the call.
410
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:18,727
I just wanted to make
sure you were okay.
411
00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,188
Anybody fall? Anybody dead?
412
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:23,690
Oh, is this the
nice firefighter?
413
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,650
See, everyone? I told
you, she's got a guy.
414
00:16:25,651 --> 00:16:30,363
Oh. So that explains why
this food tastes so great.
415
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:32,824
No single woman could
make a meal like this.
416
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:33,950
- So true.
- Am I right?
417
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,111
- That's so true.
- I'm right.
418
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,206
Who here has a
DeathAlert? What's that?
419
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,207
Oh, so those things do work.
420
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,083
Oh, who died? No one died, Ma.
421
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,002
Melissa! Jacob, cannolis!
422
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,587
What the hell is a DeathAlert?
423
00:16:45,588 --> 00:16:47,464
Did y'all say dessert?
'Cause I'm ready for it.
424
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,715
Gerald!
Okay, alright,
425
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,967
Ma, everybody, I'll come clean.
426
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:54,346
Uncle Archie's upstairs,
and... he's dead.
427
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,473
Sorry.
428
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,767
That son of a bitch
owed me money. Sorry.
429
00:16:58,768 --> 00:17:00,560
Melissa's house kills men.
430
00:17:00,561 --> 00:17:02,145
What... Ma!
431
00:17:02,146 --> 00:17:05,440
♪ Danny
boy, the pipes ♪
432
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:09,319
Okay, not to break up...
this, but where's the body?
433
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,112
Upstairs. My room. Oh, my God!
434
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,822
You're alive?
435
00:17:12,823 --> 00:17:15,075
What? I never sleep
through a cannoli.
436
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,826
I thought you said
you checked his pulse.
437
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:19,537
I did. I went like this
and felt nothing and...
438
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:22,415
Oh, my God. Jacob, you,
too, do not have a pulse.
439
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,168
Ohh.
440
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:28,421
My B, my B. In that case,
my racist, homophobic dude,
441
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,173
you have a fever.
442
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,967
See why I didn't invite you now?
443
00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:35,178
I totally get it. Okay.
444
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:36,513
Either you tell me
what's going on,
445
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:38,139
or I'm asking her to
leave. I promise you,
446
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,933
there's a reason I'm
not asking her to leave,
447
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,184
and there's a reason
I can't tell you.
448
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,687
Tell me what it is. I can't.
449
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,648
Wow. What other secrets are
you keeping from me, huh?
450
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,650
Ye...
451
00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:49,943
Are your muscles even real?
452
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,611
It's steroids, isn't it?
453
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,992
Imma need y'all to stop
arguing on Christmas Eve.
454
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:04,124
Gregory accidentally found out
that my dad lives in Philly,
455
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,293
and I asked him not to tell
you 'cause I know you would try
456
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:07,669
to do your Janine
Saves the World thing
457
00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,087
and try to repair a relationship
458
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:11,089
that I have no
interest in fixing.
459
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,841
He cut my hair. He's a barber.
460
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,260
Secret's out.
461
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:20,056
And you didn't want to be alone.
462
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:22,100
You got me.
463
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,395
I'm not immune to feeling
vulnerable during Christmas.
464
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,398
So do you mind if I
465
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:31,109
grace you with my presence
just a little longer?
466
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,404
Oh, my God. Of
course you can stay.
467
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,698
There's nothing wrong
468
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:39,617
with wanting to be
with your work family.
469
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:42,203
Shut up, Janine.
470
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,706
I ate all your marshmallows.
471
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,082
You know, Mel,
472
00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,168
you're not as bad a
cook as everyone says.
473
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:49,753
Why come you can't
hold down a man?
474
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,088
Get out of here. Go.
475
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,341
Uh, I'm still hungry.
476
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,967
Yeah, well, you were
dead when we ate, so...
477
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,763
If Uncle Archie
woulda actually died,
478
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,139
this would have been one of the
best Schemmenti dinners ever.
479
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,558
Right?
480
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,518
Take it easy, Dom.
481
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,021
And if things don't work out
between you and the firefighter,
482
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,522
I know a guy.
483
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:11,399
Mwah. Night, Ma.
484
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,692
Love you.
485
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,319
Oh, Melissa.
486
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,488
They would never
tell you, but I will.
487
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,157
Girl, you sure showed them.
488
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,742
I did, Barb.
489
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:21,868
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
490
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,621
Jinx!
491
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,456
Bye, hon. Mwah. So good.
492
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:28,124
Thank you.
493
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,210
Nice.
494
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:32,337
Yo. Big
dog, fire bro,
495
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,963
um, Seamus passed
out in Jacob's bed,
496
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,382
and I think he actually is dead.
497
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,052
Shame on you,
Seamus!
498
00:19:39,053 --> 00:19:41,096
That's disgusting.
499
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:43,056
Did he just call me
"big dog fire bro"?
500
00:19:43,057 --> 00:19:44,599
Yeah.
501
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,850
Those two aren't mine, though.
502
00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,644
Ooh! I wonder what it is.
503
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:48,853
Mugs.
504
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,940
Okay. Aww, that's
sweet, I think.
505
00:19:51,941 --> 00:19:53,650
You can put them
in any order, too.
506
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,985
Mm. Well, obviously, we
didn't know you were coming,
507
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,613
but that's okay, because...
508
00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,781
Oh, not again.
509
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,492
Alright, here you go.
510
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,453
So,
what's funny is
511
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,622
I actually had to order several
pair to find the right fit,
512
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,791
because my feet and height
ratio is one of a kind.
513
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:12,752
But luckily, Amazon
had plenty of options.
514
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,129
Ah... Aren't they cute?
515
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:15,797
They definitely scream Janine.
516
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,382
Thank you.
517
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,551
Well, we've got plenty
of pillows and blankets,
518
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,261
and honestly, this couch
isn't bad to sleep on.
519
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:22,804
Yeah. Not bad. Yeah.
520
00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,014
What did you think? We were
gonna have a threesome?
521
00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:27,600
You wish.
I was just killing time.
522
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,394
Until what?
523
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:31,479
There's a party bus out
there with my name on it.
524
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:33,273
Christmas Eve is the
best time to go clubbing.
525
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:35,900
No one there has kids...
that they care about.
526
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:39,946
Merry whatever! Bye.
527
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,076
Merry Christmas?
528
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,829
Merry Christmas.
529
00:20:54,795 --> 00:20:57,338
Welp, made all my stops.
530
00:20:57,339 --> 00:21:01,176
Oh, crap. I forgot
about Barbara and Ava.
531
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,179
I really need to start making
that list and checking it twice.
532
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:08,391
Anyway, I'm on my way
to the North Pole.
533
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,853
And to all a good night.
534
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:14,939
On Vixen, on
Dancer!
535
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:18,193
On Dancer, on Dancer. Yeah!
536
00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,740
Merry Christmas!
537
00:21:25,743 --> 00:21:28,621
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