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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,278 --> 00:00:04,383 Shitty thing. 2 00:00:04,521 --> 00:00:06,006 Guillermo-- He doesn'’t live here anymore. 3 00:00:06,178 --> 00:00:08,111 How is it? I can'’t see. 4 00:00:08,284 --> 00:00:11,045 Tonight we are attending a very special event. 5 00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,254 Ha! 6 00:00:13,427 --> 00:00:15,118 Aye, fuck. 7 00:00:15,291 --> 00:00:19,605 The Baron is receiving an eternal lifetime achievement award. 8 00:00:19,778 --> 00:00:24,024 I have never heard of such a thing, but it sounds very cool. 9 00:00:25,956 --> 00:00:28,373 It is about time our Baron got recognized 10 00:00:28,545 --> 00:00:31,376 for all the incredible work he does in our local community. 11 00:00:31,548 --> 00:00:33,447 - Yeah. - He has done so much for all of us, 12 00:00:33,619 --> 00:00:36,346 - both as a leader and as a reliable lay. - Yeah. 13 00:00:36,484 --> 00:00:39,004 Of course I am quite accustomed to being exalted... 14 00:00:39,211 --> 00:00:42,111 ...praised, feared. 15 00:00:42,283 --> 00:00:44,803 But this shall be a night to remember. 16 00:00:44,975 --> 00:00:47,875 Alas, no. The Sire cannot make it. 17 00:00:48,013 --> 00:00:50,740 Our usual sitter just started at Northwestern and, well... 18 00:00:50,912 --> 00:00:52,086 Oh! 19 00:00:52,259 --> 00:00:54,330 You know how hard it is to find someone new. 20 00:00:54,537 --> 00:00:57,057 - Baron, give us a twirl. - Oh, no. 21 00:00:57,195 --> 00:00:59,611 - Yes, please, Baron. - Look at him go. Wow. 22 00:00:59,783 --> 00:01:01,302 - Spin, Baron, spin. - Wow. 23 00:01:01,475 --> 00:01:04,478 Look at you all. Where are we going? 24 00:01:04,650 --> 00:01:06,997 We are going to an event to honor the Baron. 25 00:01:07,205 --> 00:01:08,758 - Oh. - And you are not. 26 00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:11,830 - Oh. - Because you have made it very clear 27 00:01:12,002 --> 00:01:15,972 that your future lies with the humans, not the vampires. 28 00:01:16,145 --> 00:01:18,630 - That'’s not fair. - Guillermo, we are a family. 29 00:01:18,802 --> 00:01:20,632 - Right. - We will always be a family. 30 00:01:20,804 --> 00:01:23,807 - Thank you. - And you are no longer part of the family. 31 00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:26,983 - Capisce? - Because you rejected your vampire family. 32 00:01:27,156 --> 00:01:28,778 - I didn'’t-- - Yeah. The "vamily." 33 00:01:29,468 --> 00:01:32,161 Oh. Colin Robinson, no. 34 00:01:32,333 --> 00:01:34,301 - Hell-lo. - Here he is. 35 00:01:34,473 --> 00:01:35,647 - Shall we saddle up? - Yes. 36 00:01:35,819 --> 00:01:37,476 Well, why does the monster get to go and not me? 37 00:01:37,649 --> 00:01:39,444 - "Vamily." - Yeah. 38 00:01:39,582 --> 00:01:42,102 - No, not him as well. - Very good. 39 00:02:18,345 --> 00:02:21,313 Yeah, I'’m a little hurt I'’m not going to the vampire gathering tonight, 40 00:02:21,486 --> 00:02:23,936 but it'’s probably for the best, you know? 41 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,078 Besides, I already made plans to hang out with my cousin Miguel. 42 00:02:28,734 --> 00:02:31,530 Actually, Miguel and I used to be really close when I was little. 43 00:02:32,393 --> 00:02:35,051 But then he kinda became this, like, jock. 44 00:02:35,224 --> 00:02:37,398 We grew apart, 45 00:02:37,571 --> 00:02:40,850 but our moms are determined that we be really good friends. 46 00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:45,165 We'’re gonna... hang out. 47 00:02:51,274 --> 00:02:54,035 - Miguel! Hey. - Hey. How you doing? 48 00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:56,245 You love it. 49 00:02:56,417 --> 00:02:57,556 - No, I don'’t. - Yeah, you do. 50 00:02:57,729 --> 00:03:00,214 No, I don'’t. I really don'’t. 51 00:03:00,387 --> 00:03:03,424 We should'’ve done this sooner. I was working at this job, you know? 52 00:03:03,597 --> 00:03:06,600 It was crazy. I had to get outta there. I was starting to lose my mind-- 53 00:03:06,772 --> 00:03:09,085 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo. I don'’t need the whole pinche novella, okay? 54 00:03:09,741 --> 00:03:10,811 Losers first. 55 00:03:11,018 --> 00:03:11,777 Go get '’em, slugger. 56 00:03:12,709 --> 00:03:13,883 Oh! 57 00:03:14,815 --> 00:03:15,781 Strike one! 58 00:03:15,954 --> 00:03:17,404 Little out of practice there, Memo? 59 00:03:17,576 --> 00:03:19,060 I don'’t think I was ever in practice. 60 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:20,476 What are you talking about? 61 00:03:20,683 --> 00:03:22,340 We used to play all the time when we were little. 62 00:03:22,512 --> 00:03:23,755 Ah! 63 00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:25,929 Gotta keep your eyes on the ball, Memo. 64 00:03:26,102 --> 00:03:30,279 There it is. Every gang in the tristate area is here. How delightful. 65 00:03:30,451 --> 00:03:33,420 Yeah. Looks like everyone came out to play. 66 00:03:33,592 --> 00:03:35,456 - Salutations. - The Warriors. Walter Hill. 1979. 67 00:03:35,629 --> 00:03:36,630 Exciting. 68 00:03:38,321 --> 00:03:41,186 - What a turnout. - Look up there. It'’s the Fly Guys. 69 00:03:41,393 --> 00:03:44,500 Oh, wow. I haven'’t seen the Lower East Side Vampire Punks 70 00:03:44,672 --> 00:03:47,330 since one spat on me in 1983. 71 00:03:47,503 --> 00:03:49,953 I was cool with it. It'’s what we did back then. 72 00:03:50,126 --> 00:03:53,405 - Hello, Hamptons vampires. - Like, "Hampires." 73 00:03:53,578 --> 00:03:55,580 - Stop it! - I hate these dipshits. 74 00:03:55,752 --> 00:03:59,169 But kinda makes you proud, you know? Our people. 75 00:03:59,342 --> 00:04:02,621 So, this is all for me? 76 00:04:02,794 --> 00:04:05,314 - Baron Afanas, there you are. - Ah. 77 00:04:05,486 --> 00:04:06,522 - Hi. - Hello. 78 00:04:06,729 --> 00:04:08,627 You look lovely tonight. 79 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,285 I mean, you look lovely every night. 80 00:04:11,458 --> 00:04:13,322 - We all look lovely tonight. - Ugh. 81 00:04:13,494 --> 00:04:15,876 - You included. - Thank you. 82 00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:18,706 All right. I'’m just going to bring you up to the stage, 83 00:04:18,879 --> 00:04:20,708 and then Jerry will introduce you. 84 00:04:20,881 --> 00:04:23,470 - Jerry is here? - Who Jerry? 85 00:04:23,642 --> 00:04:25,817 Jerry'’s the one who put on this whole event. 86 00:04:25,989 --> 00:04:28,889 Look out, Manhattan all-girls private-school vampires. 87 00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:32,513 Vicious, ruthless killers, both socially and in a murder sense. 88 00:04:32,686 --> 00:04:33,997 What'’s up, girlies? 89 00:04:34,170 --> 00:04:37,138 Ew. 90 00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:38,105 - Hey! - Told ya. 91 00:04:39,037 --> 00:04:41,142 - Check one, check two. - Cute. 92 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:44,145 Hello. Hi. 93 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,941 I can'’t believe this total zero gets to introduce the Baron Afanas. 94 00:04:47,114 --> 00:04:48,564 Doesn'’t seem right. 95 00:04:48,736 --> 00:04:51,256 He hasn'’t even sucked him off, let alone been nuts deep. 96 00:04:51,429 --> 00:04:52,671 All right. 97 00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:54,190 - Just be quiet. - You be quiet. 98 00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:57,055 Can you count, suckers? 99 00:05:00,679 --> 00:05:02,509 Look around you. 100 00:05:02,681 --> 00:05:05,201 Look at all these different vampires, 101 00:05:05,374 --> 00:05:07,134 all gathered together as one. 102 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,481 Yes. How about it? 103 00:05:09,654 --> 00:05:11,552 We'’ve got our Coney Island carny vampires... 104 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,487 ...side by side with our leatherette vampires. 105 00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:18,697 We'’ve got our Rockaway surfers... 106 00:05:18,870 --> 00:05:21,631 ...right next to our JFK TSA vampires. 107 00:05:21,804 --> 00:05:26,809 - Thank you for your service! - This city doesn'’t bleed without you all. 108 00:05:28,845 --> 00:05:31,158 - Yes! - That'’s right! That'’s right, Jerry! 109 00:05:31,296 --> 00:05:35,852 Tonight we'’ve gathered to hear from our esteemed leader... 110 00:05:36,025 --> 00:05:38,924 ...the great Baron Afanas. 111 00:05:39,097 --> 00:05:43,619 Our supreme commander in charge of our conquest of the New World. 112 00:05:43,791 --> 00:05:44,965 Yes, conquest! 113 00:05:47,933 --> 00:05:49,901 At least, that was the plan, right? 114 00:05:50,591 --> 00:05:51,972 Wasn'’t it? 115 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:53,353 Taking over the New World? 116 00:05:55,216 --> 00:05:56,908 People feeling good about it? 117 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,737 I'’m just asking questions. I don'’t know. 118 00:05:58,910 --> 00:06:02,741 Maybe the Baron will be able to provide some of these answers tonight. 119 00:06:02,914 --> 00:06:06,538 Maybe there'’s a perfectly good explanation 120 00:06:06,711 --> 00:06:10,887 for why we were sent here 250 years ago to conquer the continent 121 00:06:11,060 --> 00:06:14,235 and we still find ourselves cowering in the shadows. 122 00:06:16,168 --> 00:06:19,309 - Do you have an answer for that? Do you know why? - What'’s this shit? 123 00:06:19,482 --> 00:06:21,346 When can we move on? - Jerry. 124 00:06:21,519 --> 00:06:23,590 That introduction I cannot live up to. 125 00:06:23,762 --> 00:06:26,662 - Thank you, thank you. -'’Cause here'’s what I wanna know. 126 00:06:26,834 --> 00:06:29,285 - What the fuck? - Does the fault lie in ourselves? 127 00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:31,425 Does it lie in our stars? 128 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:33,220 Or... 129 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:37,466 does it lie in our leadership? 130 00:06:37,638 --> 00:06:39,778 - He has a point! - I'’m genuinely asking. I don'’t know. 131 00:06:39,951 --> 00:06:41,193 - Hey, hey. - What is he talking about? 132 00:06:41,331 --> 00:06:43,299 Move! 133 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:46,751 Gimme that. How dare you disrespect this man? 134 00:06:46,923 --> 00:06:49,512 - Hear! Hear! - This is the great, 135 00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,446 the beautiful Baron Afanas. 136 00:06:57,658 --> 00:07:01,455 And this man, this mixer of boiling hot feces, 137 00:07:01,628 --> 00:07:03,353 he knows not of his place. 138 00:07:03,526 --> 00:07:07,150 He'’s nothing but a sower of discontent and disrespect. 139 00:07:07,323 --> 00:07:08,980 Let me see that. 140 00:07:09,152 --> 00:07:10,499 - Puttana! No! - Let me see that. 141 00:07:10,671 --> 00:07:12,017 - No. No. Shut up! - Hold on. Hold on. 142 00:07:12,190 --> 00:07:14,744 No. No, no, don'’t-- 143 00:07:19,577 --> 00:07:21,095 Ah! 144 00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:25,548 - Uh-- - Okay. Uh, that was not my fault. 145 00:07:27,895 --> 00:07:30,553 Jerry was killed by that Frankenstein monster! 146 00:07:30,726 --> 00:07:32,452 It'’s Cravensworth'’s monster. 147 00:07:32,624 --> 00:07:34,523 Run! Run! 148 00:07:34,695 --> 00:07:37,491 They killed Jerry! The Staten Island vampires killed Jerry! 149 00:07:37,664 --> 00:07:40,011 - No, we didn'’t. - Kill them! 150 00:07:40,183 --> 00:07:41,771 We should get the fuck out of here! 151 00:07:48,157 --> 00:07:50,953 Kill them! 152 00:08:05,588 --> 00:08:07,694 Fucking hell. How many bats are up there? 153 00:08:07,866 --> 00:08:09,868 So flying home is not an option. 154 00:08:10,041 --> 00:08:12,388 Where do we go, what do we do and how do we do it? 155 00:08:12,561 --> 00:08:16,047 We need to get home. Which way is home? Is it north? 156 00:08:16,219 --> 00:08:18,567 - I'’m certain we are south. - No. No, we'’re not. I'’m feeling east. 157 00:08:18,739 --> 00:08:20,223 You know I can'’t fly, you dicks. 158 00:08:20,396 --> 00:08:22,674 Ah. Colin Robinson, do you know how to get home? 159 00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:24,883 No, I have no idea. I... 160 00:08:25,056 --> 00:08:28,369 I never thought I'’d ever say this, but I think we need to call Gizmo. 161 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:29,957 - Ah! Yes. - Yes, great idea. 162 00:08:30,682 --> 00:08:33,685 Guillermo! 163 00:08:33,858 --> 00:08:36,446 Not like that, you fucking idiot. With the phone that he'’s doing. 164 00:08:36,619 --> 00:08:38,276 I can also try echolocating. 165 00:08:38,448 --> 00:08:41,659 Nadja, I'’m on the phone! 166 00:08:41,831 --> 00:08:43,557 Come one, man. That'’s why you gotta concentrate. 167 00:08:43,730 --> 00:08:45,283 I was concentrating. 168 00:08:45,455 --> 00:08:47,527 So this new job has a documentary about it too? 169 00:08:49,252 --> 00:08:51,807 No, it'’s actually the same documentary. 170 00:08:51,979 --> 00:08:54,292 It just now follows a guy who quits his old job 171 00:08:54,464 --> 00:08:56,639 and goes out into the regular world. 172 00:08:56,812 --> 00:09:00,298 Okay, word. So it'’s like Sling Blade. But boring. 173 00:09:00,470 --> 00:09:02,576 Know what, Miguel? This is why I don'’t hang out with you. 174 00:09:02,749 --> 00:09:04,785 You don'’t hang out with any of the familia. 175 00:09:04,958 --> 00:09:08,133 I don'’t because every time I do, they make me feel guilty that I'’m always busy. 176 00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:10,446 This was a mistake. I'’m sorry. I'’m gonna go, okay? 177 00:09:10,619 --> 00:09:13,483 Hey, hey. Come on, Memo. I'’m not mad at you, man. 178 00:09:13,656 --> 00:09:16,072 We love you. All right? We were worried. 179 00:09:16,245 --> 00:09:18,385 We never saw you. You'’re out there on your own. 180 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,249 You never even talked about having any friends. 181 00:09:20,421 --> 00:09:22,562 Don'’t worry about me, okay? I have plenty of friends. 182 00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:25,323 Oh, really? That'’s great. Name me one friend. Like, who'’s your best friend? 183 00:09:25,495 --> 00:09:28,084 That would be, uh, Nandor. 184 00:09:28,257 --> 00:09:29,603 Nandor? 185 00:09:29,776 --> 00:09:31,743 My-- My boss. My ex-boss. He'’s not my boss anymore. 186 00:09:31,916 --> 00:09:33,814 Your best friend is your former boss? 187 00:09:33,987 --> 00:09:35,782 I know, okay? It'’s complicated, but... 188 00:09:35,954 --> 00:09:36,714 Wait. 189 00:09:37,438 --> 00:09:38,543 Colin? 190 00:09:38,716 --> 00:09:40,234 Wait, slow down. What? 191 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,412 Here we go, Mr. Drama Queen. Just like always. 192 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:48,311 Every time we start to have fun, you all of a sudden have an emergency somewhere. 193 00:09:48,484 --> 00:09:50,693 - My friends need help. They'’re in danger. - In danger? 194 00:09:50,866 --> 00:09:53,006 It'’s gonna sound crazy, but someone'’s trying to kill them. 195 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:56,216 - What the fuck? - Just please let me go. 196 00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,667 No, no. Fuck that. I'’m going with you, all right? Let'’s roll. 197 00:09:58,839 --> 00:10:00,289 You don'’t even know them. Why would you wanna come? 198 00:10:00,461 --> 00:10:02,429 I don'’t need to know them. 199 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,327 You'’re my familia, all right? I have to have your back. Let'’s go. 200 00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:08,849 - Okay. - An attack on your friends is an attack on all of us. 201 00:10:09,022 --> 00:10:10,817 Seat belt on. 202 00:10:10,989 --> 00:10:13,060 Wait. You should know before we go that my friends, they'’re... 203 00:10:13,233 --> 00:10:13,992 they'’re not like 204 00:10:15,373 --> 00:10:17,893 the regular people that you know. 205 00:10:18,065 --> 00:10:20,516 Memo, will you chill out? I have gay friends, all right? It'’s not a big deal. !¡AÁndale! 206 00:10:25,107 --> 00:10:27,074 And remember, when we find them, I get dibs 207 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:29,974 - on killing the one with the really gross man bun. - So cringe. 208 00:10:32,597 --> 00:10:34,461 They'’re not here. Let'’s go. - Okay, let'’s go. 209 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,434 Okay. That was not supposed to go that way. 210 00:10:42,607 --> 00:10:45,817 I cannot believe that Jerry betrayed the Baron like that. 211 00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:48,233 As long as you are all right, that'’s all that matters. 212 00:10:48,406 --> 00:10:50,650 - Ugh. - I have been serving Jerry for months. 213 00:10:50,822 --> 00:10:52,928 I feel so betrayed. I'’m so sorry. 214 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,862 I hear you, I hear you. You know, trust is essential-- 215 00:10:56,034 --> 00:10:58,830 Um-- We'’re just gonna give you guys a minute. Just give you some... 216 00:10:59,003 --> 00:11:00,832 Sounds like this Jerry does not get... 217 00:11:01,005 --> 00:11:05,043 Laszlo, why did your monster flip the fuck out and pop Jerry'’s head? 218 00:11:05,216 --> 00:11:08,115 He was just performing his duties as a protector. 219 00:11:08,288 --> 00:11:12,050 Well, then how do I know that he might not just flip out one day and pop my head? 220 00:11:12,223 --> 00:11:14,570 - My monster would never do that. - How could you be so sure? 221 00:11:14,743 --> 00:11:17,573 Look at the mess that thing has created. 222 00:11:17,746 --> 00:11:22,267 That lumbering, demented donkey of a creature is clearly capable of anything. 223 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:26,686 No, no, no. He'’s not. My darling, my monster would never hurt you. 224 00:11:26,858 --> 00:11:28,515 I didn'’t want you to know, 225 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,069 but the sole objective of creating him in the first place 226 00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:32,553 was to keep you safe. 227 00:11:33,382 --> 00:11:34,521 What? 228 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,524 My darling, if anything were to happen to me, 229 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,560 you would be protected. 230 00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:41,528 - What? - When have I ever needed protecting 231 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,736 from anything or anyone? 232 00:11:42,909 --> 00:11:44,393 I knew you'’d react like this. 233 00:11:44,565 --> 00:11:46,084 For the record, my darling, 234 00:11:46,257 --> 00:11:49,225 I was a vampire on my own for centuries. 235 00:11:49,398 --> 00:11:51,641 Before you came along, Mr. Cravensworth, 236 00:11:51,814 --> 00:11:56,474 I once ripped an entire pack of werewolves to shreds with my bare fangs 237 00:11:56,646 --> 00:11:59,649 and then scattered their entrails on the road like a confetti. 238 00:11:59,822 --> 00:12:03,619 - I'’ve heard this story a thousand-- - Ah! A confetti. 239 00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:08,831 The skies are clear. 240 00:12:09,004 --> 00:12:10,453 Let'’s try to get our bearings. 241 00:12:10,626 --> 00:12:13,491 Look. Look down there. 242 00:12:13,663 --> 00:12:17,598 Athletes preparing for a baseball game? At this hour? 243 00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:20,809 They'’re not athletes, you tit. They'’re the Bronx Bomber vampires. 244 00:12:20,981 --> 00:12:22,569 Well, they'’re looking for us. 245 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,778 Good. Let'’s just take them on and get this over with. 246 00:12:24,951 --> 00:12:26,262 No, we should cross the bridge. 247 00:12:26,435 --> 00:12:28,126 Okay. 248 00:12:28,299 --> 00:12:29,610 Keep walking. They'’re coming up here! 249 00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:31,509 Just keep walking. 250 00:12:31,681 --> 00:12:32,924 - What now? - Shit. 251 00:12:33,097 --> 00:12:36,134 Oh, no. It'’s the Meatpacking District vampires. 252 00:12:36,307 --> 00:12:38,343 As deadly as they are beautiful. 253 00:12:38,516 --> 00:12:40,104 I wouldn'’t mind having my meat packed. 254 00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:42,451 - This way. To the subway. - Shut the fuck up. 255 00:12:42,623 --> 00:12:44,902 - Flee! Down here! - We must run! 256 00:12:45,074 --> 00:12:47,111 Come on. Take cover fast! 257 00:12:47,283 --> 00:12:49,320 Fuck yeah. I see an entrance. 258 00:12:49,492 --> 00:12:50,839 Come on. Hurry. 259 00:12:51,011 --> 00:12:52,461 Does the subway even go to Staten Island? 260 00:12:52,633 --> 00:12:54,532 - Stay close, Blondie. - What the fuck? 261 00:12:54,704 --> 00:12:56,776 Hey. What'’s this shit? 262 00:12:56,948 --> 00:12:58,778 - Great. Jumping vampires. - All right. Cool down. 263 00:12:58,950 --> 00:13:00,469 Is it hat vampires? 264 00:13:00,641 --> 00:13:02,712 - Fuck off. Fuck off. - Oh, shit. 265 00:13:02,885 --> 00:13:04,749 No. What are they? 266 00:13:04,922 --> 00:13:06,026 These guys are the, uh... 267 00:13:07,752 --> 00:13:10,444 I don'’t actually know what kind of vampires these are. 268 00:13:10,617 --> 00:13:13,482 - Are they '’80s vampires? - Breakdance vampires? 269 00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:16,623 No, I think they'’re Fame the movie vampires, 270 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,143 or Fame the TV show vampires. 271 00:13:19,315 --> 00:13:23,147 And the space suit fella must represent MTV or something. 272 00:13:23,319 --> 00:13:25,805 Then what'’s with the riverboat gambler guy? 273 00:13:25,977 --> 00:13:27,565 They lost me there. I have no clue. 274 00:13:27,737 --> 00:13:29,670 You killed Jerry the vampire. 275 00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:32,328 No, no. That was done by a random monster. 276 00:13:32,501 --> 00:13:33,571 - Shazam! - Uh-oh. 277 00:13:33,743 --> 00:13:35,815 - Five, six, seven, eight. - No! 278 00:13:35,953 --> 00:13:37,678 What'’s this shit? 279 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,680 - Ooh! - Oh! Okay. 280 00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:42,200 They'’re twinkle-toe vampires. I got this. 281 00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:46,687 Have you ever seen feet move at this medium pace? 282 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,551 - All right. - That'’s a nice one. Aha! 283 00:13:48,724 --> 00:13:50,174 Oh. 284 00:13:50,346 --> 00:13:52,348 - Fuck off. - Wow. 285 00:13:52,521 --> 00:13:54,592 - It'’s really good. - Not bad. 286 00:13:54,764 --> 00:13:56,387 - Oh... - Fuck this shit. 287 00:13:57,215 --> 00:13:59,079 What? What? 288 00:13:59,252 --> 00:14:00,840 - Okay. - What the fuck? 289 00:14:02,427 --> 00:14:03,670 Fuck, Laszlo! 290 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,292 They really weren'’t that threatening. 291 00:14:05,465 --> 00:14:06,811 You idiot. 292 00:14:06,984 --> 00:14:09,227 Well, he'’s dead. 293 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,953 - Full house. - I was handling it. 294 00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:12,196 Sorry. 295 00:14:12,368 --> 00:14:13,714 Let'’s just keep moving, all right? 296 00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,130 We'’ll get above ground... 297 00:14:15,302 --> 00:14:16,614 - Okay. - ...so Guillermo can find us. 298 00:14:16,786 --> 00:14:18,374 - Good idea. - Whatever. 299 00:14:18,547 --> 00:14:20,514 You know, I really like it when you take charge. 300 00:14:24,104 --> 00:14:25,588 No, no, no. 301 00:14:25,761 --> 00:14:27,452 Don'’t worry about the address. I'’ll text when I get it. 302 00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:30,076 Just gather '’em up. Keep your phone on, all right? All right. 303 00:14:30,248 --> 00:14:31,905 Who was that? 304 00:14:32,078 --> 00:14:33,942 - Some friends. In case we need backup. - Backup? 305 00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:36,772 You said your friends are gonna get killed. I don'’t know what'’s gonna happen. 306 00:14:36,945 --> 00:14:38,601 - Where are they, man? - I don'’t know, okay? 307 00:14:38,774 --> 00:14:41,259 Colin lost his location, so maybe he lost reception. 308 00:14:41,432 --> 00:14:44,297 - I can try calling again. I don'’t know. - Are these people even real? 309 00:14:44,469 --> 00:14:46,471 Are you kidding me right now? Yes, they'’re real. 310 00:14:46,644 --> 00:14:49,302 - Why would I be doing this if they'’re not real? - I just had to check. 311 00:14:49,474 --> 00:14:52,167 - Had to check? They'’re real, okay? Don'’t worry. - You'’re acting crazy. 312 00:14:52,339 --> 00:14:54,997 They'’re my friends, and they'’re vampires, so there'’s that. 313 00:14:55,618 --> 00:14:57,241 - Did you just say they'’re vampires? - Yeah. 314 00:14:57,413 --> 00:14:58,967 Actually, you met one of them. 315 00:14:59,139 --> 00:15:00,969 - What? - Yeah, but you attacked her. 316 00:15:01,141 --> 00:15:02,142 - The fuck? - You attacked her. 317 00:15:02,315 --> 00:15:03,799 I would remember something like that. 318 00:15:03,972 --> 00:15:05,732 How could you? She hypnotized you. 319 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:06,940 How you gonna remember, hmm? 320 00:15:12,981 --> 00:15:15,224 - You know what? Let'’s just keep driving. - Yeah, let'’s keep driving. 321 00:15:15,397 --> 00:15:16,674 Oh, it'’s Colin. 322 00:15:16,846 --> 00:15:19,711 Hey, hey. Hi, Colin. Where are you? 323 00:15:22,162 --> 00:15:23,094 Okey dokey. 324 00:15:23,267 --> 00:15:26,649 I just got off the phone with Gizmo 325 00:15:26,822 --> 00:15:29,618 and gave him... ...our locash. 326 00:15:29,790 --> 00:15:31,344 You know, Laszlo, 327 00:15:31,516 --> 00:15:34,623 I had those dancing vampire freaks in the palm of my hands. 328 00:15:34,795 --> 00:15:38,696 I do not need you or your stupid monster to protect me. 329 00:15:38,868 --> 00:15:40,284 Is that what you think? 330 00:15:41,492 --> 00:15:46,359 My darling, I did not train my monster to protect you 331 00:15:46,531 --> 00:15:48,948 because I thought you could not live without me. 332 00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,536 I trained that monster 333 00:15:52,227 --> 00:15:54,401 because I cannot live without you. 334 00:15:56,886 --> 00:15:58,198 Laszlo, 335 00:15:58,371 --> 00:16:01,098 I cannot live without you. 336 00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:04,964 But if something was to happen to you and I was to lose you, 337 00:16:05,136 --> 00:16:07,690 it wouldn'’t be your protection I would miss. 338 00:16:07,863 --> 00:16:09,347 It would be you. 339 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,833 Your looks, the layers in your hairs. Your wit. 340 00:16:13,558 --> 00:16:17,010 And the way you use that extremely large hog. 341 00:16:17,183 --> 00:16:19,564 And that cannot be taught. 342 00:16:19,737 --> 00:16:21,221 No, it can'’t. 343 00:16:22,878 --> 00:16:24,362 Aw. They'’re being sweet again. 344 00:16:25,605 --> 00:16:26,709 - Yes. - The way that... 345 00:16:26,882 --> 00:16:28,608 Kinda makes you think, doesn'’t it? 346 00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:31,059 Think about what? 347 00:16:31,818 --> 00:16:33,268 Well, isn'’t it obvious? 348 00:16:34,717 --> 00:16:37,997 I have been searching for love for so very long, 349 00:16:39,515 --> 00:16:41,172 and it was right here the whole time. 350 00:16:41,345 --> 00:16:42,967 Right under my nose. 351 00:16:44,624 --> 00:16:46,039 In front of my nose. 352 00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:50,009 - Me? - You. 353 00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:53,564 Ugh. 354 00:16:53,736 --> 00:16:55,704 - So, I'’ve watched your search for love. - Mm-hmm. 355 00:16:55,876 --> 00:16:57,878 This one, that one. 356 00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,466 - Your dead wife. - Yes. 357 00:16:59,673 --> 00:17:01,813 - Guillermo'’s boyfriend. - Freddie. 358 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:05,783 Gail. I mean, basically, anyone and everyone who wasn'’t me. 359 00:17:05,955 --> 00:17:08,372 And I'’ve seen after you won their hearts. 360 00:17:08,544 --> 00:17:10,063 It all falls apart. 361 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:14,550 Because you'’re all about the conquest, not the victory. 362 00:17:14,723 --> 00:17:17,864 You'’re a good friend, but you will never have me. 363 00:17:18,761 --> 00:17:19,555 Ever. 364 00:17:21,385 --> 00:17:23,145 Sorry, could you run that by me again? 365 00:17:23,318 --> 00:17:24,905 I completely zoned out. 366 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:28,357 I got ever so lost in those big, 367 00:17:28,495 --> 00:17:30,911 beautiful blue eyes of yours. 368 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,155 I said you'’ll never have me. 369 00:17:33,328 --> 00:17:36,227 I have a little bit of self-respect. A little... [chuckling] ...bit. 370 00:17:36,814 --> 00:17:38,712 - I just feel so ready for love. - Okay. 371 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,990 - Mmm... Wait a minute. What is that? - Hey. 372 00:17:41,163 --> 00:17:42,751 - Laszlo. - Oh, shit. 373 00:17:42,923 --> 00:17:45,616 - What the fuck? - Graveyard vampires. 374 00:17:45,788 --> 00:17:48,101 Well, you hang out in a graveyard, 375 00:17:48,274 --> 00:17:49,758 you can expect spooky crap like this. 376 00:17:50,517 --> 00:17:51,932 Oh, bloody fuck. 377 00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:53,624 - Should we... - There'’s too many of them. 378 00:17:53,796 --> 00:17:55,764 - Run while you can. - Yes, yes. Come on, Laszlo. 379 00:17:55,936 --> 00:17:56,868 - This way. - Yes. 380 00:17:57,041 --> 00:17:58,111 Come on, you skull fucks. 381 00:17:59,457 --> 00:18:03,047 Here. Quick! Shit. Shit. 382 00:18:03,254 --> 00:18:05,567 Come on, do your worst. 383 00:18:05,739 --> 00:18:07,845 Fucking hell. Ah! 384 00:18:08,017 --> 00:18:09,916 No, no, no! Wait! 385 00:18:10,779 --> 00:18:12,574 No. Fuck off. 386 00:18:12,746 --> 00:18:15,646 Ah! I see you know your judo well. 387 00:18:15,818 --> 00:18:18,027 - Laszlo! - It'’s all right, my darling. I'’ll be right there. 388 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,616 I'’m coming! Hang your cape on that. 389 00:18:20,789 --> 00:18:22,342 Get your hands off me. 390 00:18:22,515 --> 00:18:25,104 Get out, you motherfucker! 391 00:18:27,002 --> 00:18:28,107 Ooh. 392 00:18:30,419 --> 00:18:33,008 Nadja! There'’s some over here too. 393 00:18:33,181 --> 00:18:35,907 All right. Who'’s next? I can do this all night long. 394 00:18:38,496 --> 00:18:40,671 - Fuck off. - Oh. 395 00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:42,811 - Help me up. - Laszlo. 396 00:18:44,226 --> 00:18:46,332 - Where'’s my wife? - She'’s over there. 397 00:18:46,504 --> 00:18:49,335 Okay. Very good aim. Wow! 398 00:18:49,956 --> 00:18:51,820 Look at my gruesome girl go. 399 00:18:51,992 --> 00:18:54,202 It'’s like front row at a Gallagher show. 400 00:18:54,374 --> 00:18:55,651 I think maybe he'’s dead? 401 00:18:55,824 --> 00:18:58,413 I will say when he'’s dead. 402 00:18:58,585 --> 00:19:01,519 Very impressive. But I think there might be more vampires on the way. 403 00:19:01,692 --> 00:19:03,349 - Perhaps we should get out of here. - In a minute! 404 00:19:03,521 --> 00:19:04,315 Okay. 405 00:19:06,835 --> 00:19:08,630 Now we can go. 406 00:19:09,493 --> 00:19:11,150 Great. Let'’s do that. 407 00:19:21,401 --> 00:19:23,403 - Do you want a straw? - Nope. 408 00:19:23,576 --> 00:19:26,372 You think that maybe we should order coffee drinks-- thank you-- 409 00:19:26,544 --> 00:19:27,890 so we don'’t look like a bunch of vampires 410 00:19:28,063 --> 00:19:30,065 sat around waiting for our familiar to save us? 411 00:19:30,238 --> 00:19:33,102 We can all be here without everyone ordering coffee. 412 00:19:33,275 --> 00:19:35,312 And we can stay at the table as long as we want. 413 00:19:35,484 --> 00:19:37,590 And when it comes to the bathrooms, 414 00:19:37,762 --> 00:19:39,730 - legally, it'’s Thunderdome. - Hey. 415 00:19:39,902 --> 00:19:41,076 - Guillermo! - Guillermo. 416 00:19:41,249 --> 00:19:43,078 - Finally. - Hey, Gomez. 417 00:19:43,251 --> 00:19:45,011 - You took your sweet time. - Nadja, you all right? You have a little-- 418 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,289 Yeah, covered, uh, in brain and blood and guts. 419 00:19:47,496 --> 00:19:49,395 Yes. Thank you for noticing. 420 00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,880 So, uh, your vampire friends, they hang out at coffee shops? 421 00:19:52,052 --> 00:19:54,710 Hey, look, no offense. I love the costumes, man. 422 00:19:54,883 --> 00:19:57,196 You turn your mom'’s rug into a dress? That'’s pretty cool. 423 00:19:57,334 --> 00:19:59,163 But, uh, you guys really think you'’re vampires? 424 00:20:00,647 --> 00:20:02,615 No, Nandor. Don'’t hurt him. That'’s my cousin, Miguel. 425 00:20:02,787 --> 00:20:04,789 No kidding. 426 00:20:04,962 --> 00:20:07,965 So you are the famous Miguel. We have heard lots about you. 427 00:20:08,137 --> 00:20:09,725 What the fuck? 428 00:20:09,898 --> 00:20:12,245 Guillermo tells us you'’re very tough and very cool 429 00:20:12,418 --> 00:20:14,903 and once locked him in a cupboard for six hours. 430 00:20:15,075 --> 00:20:16,939 - Put it there. - Don'’t need to fist bump on that. 431 00:20:17,112 --> 00:20:19,390 Sorry about that. Let'’s straighten that for you. 432 00:20:19,563 --> 00:20:21,289 - You guys kill people? - No shit, Kojak. 433 00:20:21,461 --> 00:20:23,429 Chillax, Miguel. 434 00:20:23,601 --> 00:20:25,465 '’Cause a member of Guillermo'’s family is a member of our family. 435 00:20:25,638 --> 00:20:27,018 - Right, guys? - Right. 436 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,193 - "Vamilia." - Nadnor! I have a Nadnor. 437 00:20:29,366 --> 00:20:31,747 Is that for you, Nandor? 438 00:20:31,885 --> 00:20:34,060 No, she is calling someone called Nadnor. Also, I have not ordered anything, so-- 439 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:38,720 - I have one roundhouse kick for a Nandor. - Yes. I am Nan-- 440 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,069 How quaint. A barista vampire. 441 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:46,037 We'’re not barista vampires. We'’re artist and writer vampires 442 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:49,006 who happen to currently be working as baristas. 443 00:20:49,178 --> 00:20:51,388 And graphic designer vampires. 444 00:20:51,526 --> 00:20:53,252 - Hi. I'’m Cass. - Hi, Cass. 445 00:20:53,424 --> 00:20:56,496 Personal essayist vampire Louis here. 446 00:20:56,669 --> 00:20:58,809 - Got a shot for Nandor. - Oh, that'’s me. Yes. 447 00:20:59,465 --> 00:21:00,949 Fucking guy. 448 00:21:01,121 --> 00:21:02,916 My mistake. That was supposed to be a double shot. 449 00:21:04,159 --> 00:21:06,265 Whoa. Oh, shit. 450 00:21:06,437 --> 00:21:08,094 Oh, I forgot to mention. You have Van Helsing blood running through you. 451 00:21:08,232 --> 00:21:10,476 - What? - It'’s a long story. I'’ll tell you later, okay? 452 00:21:14,894 --> 00:21:15,895 Bat. 453 00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:20,589 Sorry, I didn'’t mean to do that. It'’s because I said the word "bat." 454 00:21:22,522 --> 00:21:24,835 - And I'’ve done it again. I meant to say-- - Miguel. 455 00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:27,734 Should we get involved? 456 00:21:28,977 --> 00:21:31,842 You know, I forgot how scrappy Gizmo can be 457 00:21:32,014 --> 00:21:33,464 when he gets a bit of a bee in his bonnet. 458 00:21:33,637 --> 00:21:35,017 Ooh. 459 00:21:35,190 --> 00:21:36,950 Steam. 460 00:21:37,123 --> 00:21:38,124 "Vampuccino." 461 00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:39,505 I will fucking kill you. 462 00:21:43,509 --> 00:21:45,959 Ah! Ooh. Very good. 463 00:21:48,548 --> 00:21:50,895 Almost there. Keep reaching, Gizmo. 464 00:21:53,898 --> 00:21:55,728 Nice shot. 465 00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:57,937 - Ooh. Dead. Very good. - Guillermo. 466 00:21:58,144 --> 00:21:59,352 - We should go. - Yes. 467 00:21:59,525 --> 00:22:01,250 What the fuck is that? 468 00:22:01,423 --> 00:22:03,114 Just some homeys of mine. I called them in case we were outnumbered. 469 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:07,222 Here they come. Hell yeah! Donnie brought the Spyder. 470 00:22:07,395 --> 00:22:09,535 - Fancy a ride, my darling? - Hello. 471 00:22:09,707 --> 00:22:10,846 We gotta go. 472 00:22:11,019 --> 00:22:12,400 This one? Hold on, hold on. 473 00:22:12,572 --> 00:22:14,643 - Get in, man. - Colin Robinson! 474 00:22:14,816 --> 00:22:16,127 Let'’s go. We have to go. 475 00:22:17,681 --> 00:22:19,338 I don'’t want to get my cape caught. 476 00:22:27,069 --> 00:22:28,347 Ah. 477 00:22:28,519 --> 00:22:29,831 - Oh, home. - Oh, yes. 478 00:22:30,003 --> 00:22:31,039 - We'’re home. - Ooh, doggy. 479 00:22:31,211 --> 00:22:33,213 - Baron? - Well, well, well. 480 00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:34,594 You'’re okay! 481 00:22:34,767 --> 00:22:35,906 Look who came home! 482 00:22:36,078 --> 00:22:38,357 Baron, how did you get back so fast? 483 00:22:38,529 --> 00:22:43,120 Did you know that Staten Island has an above-ground train? 484 00:22:43,292 --> 00:22:45,225 - It'’s actually quite pleasant. - Hey... 485 00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:50,265 And it gave me a chance to open up that Louise Penny I have on audiobook. 486 00:22:50,438 --> 00:22:52,267 - Love her. - She'’s okay. But a quick question. 487 00:22:53,199 --> 00:22:55,132 What the hell were you thinking? 488 00:22:55,304 --> 00:22:57,548 Why did you kill Jerry the Vampire? 489 00:22:57,686 --> 00:23:01,932 B-Because, Baron, Jerry was a huge threat to your almighty power. 490 00:23:02,104 --> 00:23:03,243 Yes. 491 00:23:03,899 --> 00:23:06,212 Which is why I wanted to kill him myself 492 00:23:07,247 --> 00:23:08,904 in front of everyone 493 00:23:09,077 --> 00:23:11,424 to reassert my power. 494 00:23:11,597 --> 00:23:13,599 Do you honestly think that I did not know 495 00:23:13,771 --> 00:23:15,739 this insipid gathering was a trap? 496 00:23:15,911 --> 00:23:17,292 You knew? 497 00:23:17,465 --> 00:23:19,121 Of course I knew. 498 00:23:19,294 --> 00:23:22,297 I didn'’t know Jerry was the enemy, Baron. 499 00:23:22,470 --> 00:23:25,887 But that is no excuse. I have dishonored myself. 500 00:23:26,474 --> 00:23:29,718 But even worse, I have dishonored you. 501 00:23:29,856 --> 00:23:32,307 I will now take my own life. 502 00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,137 No. No! No, let me-- 503 00:23:35,310 --> 00:23:37,588 - I will not. - Let her. 504 00:23:37,761 --> 00:23:40,557 - Baron, take my life instead. - Do it. 505 00:23:40,764 --> 00:23:43,491 - Huh. - Hold on here. Are you two a thing? 506 00:23:43,663 --> 00:23:45,734 - No. Not at all. - It'’s early days. 507 00:23:45,941 --> 00:23:48,944 Get up. We'’re going to run out of vampires at this rate. 508 00:23:49,117 --> 00:23:50,946 What the blazes? 509 00:23:53,293 --> 00:23:54,985 Gift. 510 00:23:55,157 --> 00:23:57,643 Oh. Jerry'’s crushed head. Thank you. 511 00:23:57,815 --> 00:23:59,645 Very nice. 512 00:23:59,817 --> 00:24:01,819 You can just lay that down there. 513 00:24:01,992 --> 00:24:04,615 I will find somewhere lovely for it later. 514 00:24:04,753 --> 00:24:06,617 - Now, we all have much organizing... - Good job. 515 00:24:06,790 --> 00:24:08,412 ...to do for tomorrow evening. 516 00:24:08,550 --> 00:24:10,759 To set this right. 517 00:24:10,932 --> 00:24:13,348 Here we are again. 518 00:24:13,521 --> 00:24:16,524 Jerry tried to tear us apart. 519 00:24:16,696 --> 00:24:19,527 But we, unlike Jerry, 520 00:24:19,699 --> 00:24:22,288 will work as one. 521 00:24:22,426 --> 00:24:24,532 - Yes. - For it will take all of us, 522 00:24:24,704 --> 00:24:27,327 all vampires, 523 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:30,365 to bring the humans of this new world 524 00:24:30,538 --> 00:24:33,506 under our dominion. 525 00:24:33,679 --> 00:24:36,336 - Yes! - Any questions? 526 00:24:37,786 --> 00:24:39,201 Ah. 527 00:24:45,587 --> 00:24:48,383 Okay. Anybody else? Let'’s see. There was someone... 528 00:24:48,556 --> 00:24:49,626 Ah. You. 529 00:24:51,110 --> 00:24:52,491 Did you have a question? 530 00:24:54,216 --> 00:24:55,908 - Uh, nope. - Are you sure? 531 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,497 Because I thought I saw your hand go up. 532 00:25:00,878 --> 00:25:03,502 I thought I had a-- had a question, but then y-you answered it. 533 00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:06,021 Just as I thought. 534 00:25:08,541 --> 00:25:09,784 Vampires dismissed. 535 00:25:11,855 --> 00:25:13,270 Two nights out in a row. 536 00:25:13,442 --> 00:25:15,583 The Sire'’s never gonna let me hear the end of this. 537 00:25:18,344 --> 00:25:21,658 ♪ Nowhere to run to, baby ♪ 538 00:25:21,796 --> 00:25:23,211 ♪ Nowhere to hide ♪ 539 00:25:24,730 --> 00:25:28,216 ♪ I got nowhere To run to, baby ♪ 540 00:25:28,906 --> 00:25:30,943 ♪ Nowhere to hide, no ♪ 541 00:25:31,564 --> 00:25:34,602 ♪ That'’s not love That I'’m running from ♪ 542 00:25:35,292 --> 00:25:37,950 ♪ It'’s the heartache I know will come ♪ 543 00:25:38,606 --> 00:25:41,712 - ♪ '’Cause I know You'’re no good for me ♪ - ♪ You'’re no good ♪ 544 00:25:41,919 --> 00:25:44,404 ♪ But you'’ve become A part of me ♪ 545 00:25:44,612 --> 00:25:47,891 ♪ Everywhere that I go Your face I see ♪ 546 00:25:48,098 --> 00:25:52,481 ♪ Every step that I take You take with me, yeah ♪ 547 00:25:52,689 --> 00:25:55,692 ♪ Nowhere to run to, baby ♪ 548 00:25:55,899 --> 00:25:58,626 ♪ Nowhere to hide, no ♪ 549 00:25:58,833 --> 00:26:02,664 ♪ I got nowhere To run to, baby ♪ 550 00:26:02,871 --> 00:26:04,217 ♪ Nowhere to hide ♪ 551 00:26:04,424 --> 00:26:05,564 ♪ Nowhere to run ♪ 552 00:26:05,771 --> 00:26:07,773 ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no ♪ 553 00:26:07,980 --> 00:26:08,739 ♪ Ow! ♪ 43372

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