Original subtitles

The Lucy Show.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Starring Gale Gordon.

And

Griffin

than anyone else. I had a good excuse for being late this morning. Good? Yes.

Credible? No. Sorry Mr. Mooney I'm late, but the smog was so thick that I...

couldn't find the bus. I couldn't do it. No, please go to work. Yes sir. Overtime for no

money. No one appreciates anything here. Oh yes, they do. Just this morning I called our

president mr. Cheever and I told him my chair was worn out and he told me I would get a new one

chair. Of course. They reward people here who use their heads. Why is it that your chair is worn out in the seat?

Lucy! Oh come in Jane. Oh Lucy I have the most wonderful news. You'll never guess what happened to me. You'll never guess in one

million years. Well, what happened? Guess what! Oh come on Mary Jane, I'm not good at guessing games. I'll give you a little hint.

What's the best thing that can happen to a working woman? You're getting married. No. No? You're engaged? No. Do you have a date? No, I think I better tell you. I got a salary increase. Oh Mary Jane, that is

great. Is it a big raise? Well no, but at least now my net income is worth taking home.

Oh, that's great. When do you think you will get a salary increase? I get a salary increase? Ha! Mr. Mooney won't even pay me for overtime, let alone give me a raise. When did he give you your last one? Well, let me see, it was on flag day. I don't remember the year, but our flag still had 48 stars. Oh, that's terrible. How much money are you making now, Lucy? Oh, I'm ashamed to tell you, but every time I...

income tax they send me a condolence card. Did you ever tell Mr. Mooney you wanted more money? Hinted? Look, I've done everything. I skipped lunch because I told him I couldn't afford the food. I told him I had to walk to work because I couldn't even afford a bus. The only time I ever got a response from him was when I came in with big holes in my jacket. Oh, and he gave you a raise? No, he gave me a needle and thread and told me to stop looking like a sloppy slob.

Oh damn, I always forget that this plant is artificial. I just don't get it Mary Jane. It seems like everyone in that bank got a raise except me. Why do you think you are using the wrong approach? Well, what's the best way to get a raise? The best way to get a raise is to point out to Mr. Mooney what a good worker you are. That you are never absent, never late and never make mistakes.

What is the best solution now?

Have you ever tried to appeal to a good side? I've never been able to find it.

Oh Lucy honestly you've been around long enough that you deserve a raise. Are you saying that now? Well, you just have to ask for it. I did that. Be determined about it. Go there in the morning and deal with the lion in his den. Okay, but it would be easier to get a raise from a real lion.

Mooney speaks. Oh hello Mr. Cheever. Yes sir, the new chair has arrived sir. It's a picture. I just admired him, sir. Thank you very much Mr. Cheever. Thank you.

Thank you. How are you feeling Mr. Mooney? Oh, I feel good. And how does Mrs. Mooney feel? She feels good. And how is your... No, you can't get a raise.

How did you know I was going to ask for a raise? Mrs Carmichael, if you come in here on time and ask about my health and that of my wife, you are clearly not looking for a pay cut.

Mr. Mooney I've been working here for a long time now and it seems like everyone at this bank got a raise except me. That's true. Well, Mr. Mooney, I realize I haven't been a very efficient secretary.

Beats. And I'm almost always late. Beats. And I also take coffee breaks that are a bit too long. Beats. And I'm not a very good typist. Beats. But Mr. Mooney, you're not going to give me a raise, are you?

That's right. Why don't you want that? Because, as you just said, you're not efficient, you're always late, you wait too long for your coffee breaks, and you can't type properly. Yes, but you can't think of any reason yourself.

Mrs. Carmichael, we have a busy day ahead of us. Please get to work.

Mr. Mooney. What now? I think you are taking a very ungrateful attitude after all I have done for this bank.

What have you done for this bank? Well, what condition was this bank in before I started working there?

It was the third largest financial institution in the city with assets of $300 million and 31 branches. And what is it like now?

It is the third largest financial institution in the city with assets of $300 million and 31 branches. See, I haven't heard a word of it yet.

Back, back, back. I still think you should give me a raise. No one gives a raise, you have to earn it. Well, how? Either by being very efficient, which in your case is too ridiculous to discuss, or by providing excellent service to the bank.

Like what? Well, Mr. Cheever gave his secretary a raise because she came up with a new accounting system. She also proposed an advertising slogan for the bank. She also wears a sweater that is two sizes too small.

Mr. Carmichael, this is not the time to be funny. Now let me give you some advice. Remember that the worker is worth his wages. Climbing the ladder of success is not easy. How do you think I got where I am now?

You married the boss's daughter. Not me. She was his niece. I work very hard to maintain my position here. I work overtime. For example, today I'm having lunch at the office. Then I can be here for an appointment with an important customer.

To get ahead you have to work, work, work, work. Now think about that, Mrs. Connelly. Mr. Mooney. I'm going to take another ten minutes of my coffee break and just think about that.

You are impossible. You have your new chair, right?

Mooney speaks. Oh yes Mr Cheever. Yes, I expect Mr. Leonard any moment, sir. Well, I know he's a very important customer of ours, sir, but I've never met him in person.

He did that? He produced the Danny Thomas show, right? Dick Van Dyke? Oh and I Spy. Oh well thank you sir that is a great help to me. Yes indeed, thank you very much. Oh and thanks again for the chair. I turned him over.

Yes? Mr. Sheldon Leonard is here to see you sir. I expect him sentimentally.

Mr. Leonard. It's so nice to see you there. Thank you. Did I disrupt your lunch?

Oh no. Oh no, I had lunch hours ago. Mr. Leonard, won't you sit down, sir? There you are. Thank you. You know Mr. Leonard, although we have never met I feel like I have known you for years. I used to go to all those gangster movies you were in. I'm quite a fan of yours.

Yeah, I've done a lot of those gangster movies. I still get screwed three times a night on the late late show. I heard you were so credible as a gangster. Maybe I was too credible. Every time I left the house, the cops arrested me.

Well, now you've probably explained to them who you were. Yes, I did, but out of habit I would put it this way, I would say: okay, keep your hands off me, copper, or you'll end up in a cement kimono. Well, it must have been a great loss for your audience when you quit acting to become a producer and director.

Which audience? No, I was one of those actors that people saw on the street and said: hey, hey, there goes uh, what's his name again. The face was familiar, but they couldn't remember the name. Well, you have to expect that from people. From my own children. Twice the little gate indicated me for the reward.

Well, I must say it was a lucky day for television when you quit acting and became a producer. Oh, I don't know. Oh yes, indeed it was. Why does anyone who owns a television set today know the name Sheldon Leonard? Except my children. They still call me what's his name again.

Well, I won't forget your name. No sir, I love your television shows. There's that Danny Thomas show, Dick Van Dyke, I Spy. That is the most fantastic show. The way you processed that in such a way that the... Why is Mr. Leonard blushing, am I making a fool of you? Oh well. But please continue.

You forgot Andy Griffith's show at Goma Pile. Andy Griffith on Goma Pile yes I… And I understand you are currently making a new series. Well, that's right, we are now recording the pilot. You're shooting the pilot? That's an expression on television, it means we're making a test, a sample film you know. That's actually why I'm here to see you. Oh? Yes, we have a bank robbery scene and I think it would be more realistic if we filmed it in a real bank.

So with your permission I want to film it here. Filming here? In this bank? Yes. Now I'd like to oblige you, Mr. Leonard, but that would disrupt our entire day. Well, I don't plan on doing it during your office hours. No, we film it at night after the bank is closed. Well, it's unprecedented and against all the rules. We are bonded and fully insured.

Well, I'm afraid not, that's completely out of the question. The credits will mention technical advisor Theodore Mooney. That's Theodore J. Mooney and when do we start? We want to film it tomorrow night, but I'd like to come over tonight and rehearse the scene with my main actors, if you don't mind. Certainly. And don't worry about anything going wrong, Mr. Mooney. I look after your money as if it were my own. Well, with all the shows you do, most of them are.

That's a joke I just made up. At the last minute. Maybe you can use it in your... It's not very funny. Is there anything else I can do for you, sir? Well, I'd like to know the layout of the bank here. In the words of the trade, I want to case the joint. Case the joint by all means.

Oh, I gotta give you a key, Mr. Mooney. Oh yes. Here's the key to the bank's front door so you can use it tonight. Thank you. Don't mention it. Thank you very much.

Technical Advisor Theodore J. Mooney.

Oh dear. The bank is quite busy. Give me your check Mary Jane, I'll have it cashed for you so you don't have to stand in line. Okay, thanks. Do you want the notes in a specific denomination? Well, I want them in tens, but it's only five dollars.

It only takes a minute. Maggie if you get the chance. What's going on? Shh. What's going on? Shh. The bank is going to be robbed. What do you mean? How do you know? That man behind us is a gangster. A gangster? Yeah look. No, don't look. I don't want him to get suspicious. Now you can watch. Don't look so long.

Lucy, how do you know he's a gangster? Shh. Because I recognize his face. Just look at him. Don't look. Are you sure he's a gangster? Of course I'm sure. He is probably one of the ten most wanted criminals in the entire country. Doesn't he look like a crook to you? Don't look.

You know what? I thought I saw his picture at the post office. Man, he has a criminal face if I ever saw one. With those beady eyes and those thin, cruel lips and that low forehead. And look at that receding chin. He does not have a receding chin. Shh. He probably had a chin correction.

We better call the police. Hey, we can't call the police. He hasn't done anything yet. I don't know if I can see or hear what he's saying.

Hello Frankie. It's all ready for the bank tonight. Yes, it's a perfect setup. Let the boys be here at eight o'clock. No, we can't wait, we have to shoot the pilot.

I was right. He's going to rob the bank tonight. Not only that, he's going to escape in a stolen plane. How do you know? He just said he was going to shoot the pilot. Let's call the police. No, wait a minute, we have no proof. Well, you said he was going to rob the bank tonight. Yes, and I'll be here when he does. Lucy, you're crazy. No, I'm not. As soon as he starts robbing this bank, I'm going to catch him red-handed. You better tell Mr. Mooney. I won't do that.

There's probably a reward for that crook. Mr. Mooney is the type who would keep it. Plus, this is my chance to do something for the bank so I can earn my raise. There has to be an easier way to get a raise. Well, there is, but I'm not the type to wear a sweater. Two sides is too small.

This is what we're going to do. Weaving? Yes weaving.

Would you please tell me why we have to dress up for trick or treating? I already told you so they'll think we're scrub women and not kill us. Well, I hope not, I wouldn't be caught dead in this outfit. Doesn't matter.

Charlie is waiting in the car. Okay guys, come on. The nerve of him to just come through the front door. Really stop it. Don't talk. Let's not talk about not talking.

This is really a setup. It's a perfect setup. There's a good place for us to line up people when we start shooting. Remember, this whole thing has to go like clockwork or we'll ruin the whole thing. Louie, go back to the register and scoop up all the money. Okay? Go.

You get ready to take out the nitro so you can blow the ball. Okay? You stay at the door. Keep an eye on Louie.

Louie. Hey Louie. Where has he gone now? What's going on boss? Louie has disappeared. Go get him, will you? For sure.

I want you to remember to always keep an eye on this door.

Harry. Hey Harry. Harry, Louie. Where have they gone? Everyone disappears here. Go find them, will you? Okay, I'll get them. Let them come. I have to talk.

Hey guys. Louie. Harry, Pete. Someone. Where has everyone gone?

What are you doing? Oh, excuse me. I thought we were alone here. No, we weren't alone here. How?

Have you seen men going there? Men? Yes. If there were men there, do you think we would be here?

I'll go check it out for myself.

I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you the truth. Harry, hold him. Now hold him. Don't move or we'll let you have it. What are you talking about?

You're going to rob this bank, you dirty thug. I don't rob anything. I'm going to shoot a pilot. That's murder. That's worse than robbing.

Look ladies. Let me explain. This is a mistake. I'm not a crook. Doesn't matter. I know a crook and I've seen your face a thousand times.

Yes of course you do. I'm what's his name again?

Now you've got me so confused I can't even remember.

Someone's coming. It must be another member of his gang. Now hold him. And look ladies. Quiet!

He loads his own bank. What are you talking about? What's going on here?

Mr. Mooney, he robbed your bank. Oh, he doesn't do anything like that.

He's a big crook. We have him. Come on. Stay away from him. You don't know what you're talking about.

He has a lot of money. He was robbing the bank. You're making a big mistake. You're making a mistake?

You mean he's not here to rob the bank? Of course not. I'm terribly sorry. What happened?

Don't know. In all the years I've been in the business, I've never had to fight such tough gangsters as these two chicks.

Who are you? What are you doing here? I'm here rehearsing a new television series.

A television series? Yes. He is a famous actor/producer.

Actor? Oh of course. Oh I should have recognized you. Well, you're a, well what do you call him?

I don't know his name. He's Sheldon Leonard. He's Sheldon Leonard.

Oh Mr. Leonard. Oh, I'm so ashamed. I'm terribly sorry. Come on Mary Jane. Let's get out of here.

Sorry. Just a moment, you two. Just a moment. I want to know what's going on here.

Well uh. Yes, me too. Yeah, well uh. I'm Mr. Mooney's secretary and I thought you were robbing the bank

and Mr. Mooney said I could earn a raise if I did something extra and special and then I heard you were shooting a pilot

Well, I thought you guys were scammers and if I caught you, I'd get a raise and the IRS wouldn't have to send me condolence cards anymore.

What does she say? I wouldn't know. I speak seven languages, but not hers.

I'm terribly sorry. Come on Mary Jane. No wait, wait a minute. Come back.

Have you ever acted? Acting? Yes. No sir. Well, I suddenly had this idea for a new television series.

See, it's supposed to be about this crazy redheaded girl that you see and she works in a bank and she gets into all kinds of impossible situations

and forget it, no one would ever believe her.

The end