All language subtitles for Community.S01E01.1080p.BluRay.x264-MRSK

Good morning.

How do we turn this off?
Can you help me turn this off?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

How do we turn this off?
Can you help me with this?

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

I didn't mean to snap.
Good morning.

Many of you are halfway through

your first week here
at Greendale, and as your dean,

I thought I would share

a few thoughts of wisdom
and inspiration.

What is community college?

Well, you've heard
all kinds of things.

You've heard it's loser college
for remedial teens,

20-something dropouts,

middle-aged divorcees,

and old people keeping
their minds active

as they circle
the drain of eternity.

That's what you've heard.

However, I wish you luck.

Okay, you know... Uh-oh.

There's more to this speech.

There's a middle card
that's missing.

Can we look around
our immediate areas?

Because I really wanted to...

I'm only half Arabic.
My dad is Palestinian.

He's a U.S. citizen, he's not
a threat to national security.

A lot of people wanna know that
because he has an angry energy.

But not angry at America,
angry at my mom for leaving.

She did leave
because he was angry

and he was angry
because she's American.

My name's Abed.
Abed, nice to know you

and then meet you,
in that order.

Now about that question that I had?
Oh, uh...

Five after 11 when you asked.

Abed.
Yeah.

What's the deal
with the hot girl

from Spanish class?
I can't find a road in there.

I talked to her once while
she was borrowing a pencil.

But her name is Britta,
28, birthday in October.

Has two older brothers.
One works with children

who have a disorder
I might look up.

She thinks she's gonna
flunk tomorrow's test.

She needs to focus. She's sorry
if that makes her seem cold.

Holy crap. Abed,
I see your value now.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

Absolutely not.

If these guys knew you
like I did,

they would have given you
a small office.

Jeff winger, genius at law.

You gotta stop saying that.

I will never do that. Sit down.

I still cannot figure out
how you got a jury to connect

September the 11th with my DUI,

let alone why that helped.

Well, 2002 was a simpler time.

So, what is my lawyer
doing here?

I'm a student.

Well, that cannot be
an inspiring journey.

Uh, I am in a bit of a jam.

The state bar has suspended
my license.

They found out my college degree
was less than legitimate.

You had bachelor's
from Columbia?

Now I have to get one
from America.

It can't be
an e-mail attachment.

Well, you've picked
a fine school.

Yes. And I'm hoping

that our friendship
will yield certain advantages.

You know, academic guidance.
Yes.

Moral support.

Every answer to every test

for every one of the classes
that I'm taking.

Here's my schedule.
Now, Jeff, just by asking that

you have insulted the integrity
of this entire institution. Oi.

Waster. Not a bathroom. Not a
bathroom.

Okay. Duncan, you did seem
less into integrity

the day that I convinced
12 of your peers

that when you made that U-turn
on the freeway

and tried to order chalupas
from the emergency call box

that your only real crime
was loving America.

Well, I do love America.
I love it very much.

Mm?
I... I love chalupas.

But...?

I'll look into it.
Thank you.

Duncan, you are a good man.

Jeff, are you familiar
with the adage

"Cheaters never prosper"?

No. And if I wanted to
learn something,

I wouldn't have come
to community college.

Oh, hey, Spanish.
Yeah, don't hit on me, okay?

Whoa.
Uh, I wouldn't dream of it.

I just wanted to let you know
about my Spanish study group.

Oh, whoa, whoa.
The guy playing "Bejeweled"

on his iPhone
all class has a study group?

Can I sign up twice?

I'm taking the class
as an easy credit.

I'm actually a Spanish tutor.
Board certified.

Can you say that in Spanish now?

I really need help with Spanish.

I was willing to bet.
I'm Jeff.

Orjefe.

The group meets
at the library at 4.

Britta. Thanks.

You're gonna be there?

That means,
"See you there."

Shouldn't be too hard to fake
a study group.

Huh?

Oh, jeez, I'm sorry.

I was raised on TV,
and I was conditioned to believe

that every black woman over 50
is a cosmic mentor.

Were you conditioned to pay
for your damn tacos, Seinfield?

Yes. I'm so sorry.
It's "Seinfeld."

Hey, all right, come on in.

I've got the whole table.
Welcome.

Yeah, the whole room.
Here's the contact sheet.

Just put your stuff there.
That's...

Man, the rest of the group
is running late.

But you and I
can get acquainted.

You may have noticed
this morning,

not so good at small talk.
Yeah. I like big talk.

What's your deal?
That's not small talk?

What's your deal
and is God dead?

All right,
you wanna know my deal?

Mm.
I dropped out of high school

because I thought
for some reason

it would impress Radiohead.

You'd be surprised
what gets back to those guys.

I joined the Peace Corps.
I did a little foot modeling.

I got tear gassed
at a world trade rally...

Marry me.
Ha. And I guess, Jeff,

my deal is,
above all else, honesty.

Honesty.
Yeah.

You tell the truth,
I'll like you.

You lie to me,
I will never talk to you again.

That's a good deal.
So, what's your deal?

Uh... I would have to go...

I would have to say,
um, honesty.

Because I would say anything
to get what I want,

and I want you to like me.
So, uh...

well,
that's a very honest answer.

For now, I like you fine.

Really? wow. You're easy.
Hell, yeah.

Abed. In the house.

Whoo! whoo!
Whoo! whoo!

Whoo. why?

Britta invited me.
Is that cool?

Oh, I can't think of a single
logical reason why not.

- Cool.
- There you go.

Put your contact info
down right there.

Cool, cool, cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

Hey, this is kind of like
Breakfast Club, huh?

We are in a library.

I'm sure we've each
got an issue balled up inside

that would make us cry
if we talked about it.

Do you have something
balled up inside you?

I got doozy in the chamber
if things get emotional.

Hey, text message.

Let's give this bad boy a read.
It's just for you.

I've never gotten one of these.
It's just for your eyes.

"Say you have to pee.
I need to talk to you."

"Say you have to pee."
That is weird.

"Say you have to pee."
Yeah. Do you have to pee?

No. That's so weird.

Well, I'm stumped.
That's very creepy.

That makes two of us.

What's that?

Does it say you have to pee?

It's just someone with
misguided grasp of abbreviation.

I just need five minutes.

So go ahead and study
all the verbs in Spanish.

Abed, what's your read on that guy?
Yeah.

You look like Elizabeth Shue.

Just act natural,

pretend you're watching
the athletic proceedings.

You couldn't
stop me from watching.

There's a guy
trying out for track

that is older
than the game of poker.

He's kind of trucking.

Suppose I was to say to you

it was possible
to get those test answers.

I would say go for that.

And could have said so
in a text.

I'm asking
if you know the difference

between right and wrong.

I discovered at a very early age
that if I talked long enough,

I could make anything
right or wrong.

So either I'm God
or truth is relative,

and in either case, booyah.
Oh. Interesting.

It's just, the average person
has harder time saying booyah

to moral relativism.

You don't have to play shrink
to protect your pride.

I accept you're chicken.

Are you trying to use reverse
psychology on a psychologist?

I'm just using
regular psychology

on a spineless British twit.

I'm a professor.
You can't talk to me that way.

A 6-year-old girl could.

Yes, because
that would be adorable.

No, because
you're a 5-year-old girl,

and there's a pecking order.

Fine, I'll do it.
Thank you.

Yeah, with pleasure. Bye.

Yes, good.

Why am I still shouting?
I'm drawing attention to myself.

You guys
aren't gonna believe this

but the rest of the group...

Is here.

Are you
the board-certified tutor?

That means you do my homework,
right, Seacrest?

I need to call my babysitter
if we gonna be late.

What board certifies a tutor?
Where's Britta?

Not sure. I invited people
from Spanish class.

Is that cool?
It's the coolest.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

And bring my jacket,
wallet and keys with me

in case there's a fire.

Should we go with him?

Gonna leave my homework
with Slumdog Millionaire.

That's borderline racist.

And busted.

Listen.

Now you know. I'm a smoker.

Yeah, but they're filtered,
so that makes them safe.

You ready to get started?
Looks like your group showed up.

Not mine. I think Abed took out
a page on Craigslist.

And I was trained
never to say this,

but I think that group
may be untutorable.

Oh, really?

Why don't you and I
go study over...

Dinner?
Or drinks.

I think, actually,
we should prioritize here

and study first
and then go to dinner.

And if they really prove
to be untutorable,

we'll slip out early.

Oh, they will be untutorable.

All right. Look at this crew.

All ready to study all night.

I can stay till 10.

But who studies
with strangers, right?

My name is Jeff.

Jeff, it's a pleasure.
My name is Pierce Hawthorne.

And, yes, that is Hawthorne
as in Hawthorne wipes

the award-winning
moist towelette.

I was just gonna ask.

I'm a Toastmaster.
I should do the introductions.

Definitely.
You know Brittles.

Britta.
Abed. Abed the Arab.

Is that inappropriate?
Sure.

Roy, Roy, the wonder boy... Troy.

Little princess Elizabeth...
Annie.

And this beautiful creature
is named Shirley.

Is that even close?

I'd like to know
why I had to find out

about this group on accident.

Way more like Breakfast Club.

There's breakfast?
We should get started...

I've been a part of a lot
of study groups that fell apart

because of unresolved tension.

Shouldn't we address Annie's
concern? Did we not invite her?

Well, Annie, sweetie,
it's not behind your back.

Can we stop with the "pumpkins"
and the "sweeties"?

Being younger does not
make me inferior.

If anything, your age indicates

that you've made
bad life decisions.

Shirley has a response.
No, no, no. I don't.

It looks like you do.
Shirley, go ahead.

Okay, okay.

I'm sure I've made
some bad life decisions.

And maybe Annie's
decisions will be better.

I think she needs to decide

whether she wants to be
considered a child or an adult,

because children get pity,

but not respect,
and adults, they get respect.

They also get their head grabbed
and pushed through jukeboxes.

Okay. why don't we try learning
"jukebox" in Spanish?

- What are you doing?
- Pierce.

Let's discuss this creepiness.
Pardon you?

What are you doing?
I'm certified.

Are you unaware

that Shirley finds
your advances inappropriate?

What advances?

You have been
sexually harassing me

since the very first day
of class.

Sexually harassing?

What...?
That makes no sense to me.

Why would I harass somebody
who turns me on?

Saying she turns you on
is the harassment, dude.

Hey.

I am a prominent business leader

and a highly sought-after
dinner guest.

And I will not take
courting advice

from some teenage boy.

This teenage boy
is a quarterback and prom king.

You're not prom king anymore,
Troy.

This isn't Riverside High.
How'd you know I went there?

Because you're still wearing
your stupid letterjacket,

and, more importantly,
I sat behind you in Algebra.

Were you that girl got hooked
on pills and dropped out?

You're little Annie Adderall.

And you're a stupid jock
who lost his scholarship

by dislocating both shoulders
in a keg stand.

Keg flip.
Very hard to pull off.

Don't talk to me.
You don't know... I'm a legend.

You know what I got
for Christmas?

It was a banner year
at the Bender family.

I got a carton of cigarettes.

The old man grabbed me.
He said,

"Hey, smoke up, Johnny."

No, Dad, what about you?

Well, that actually was from
The Breakfast Club.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Dirty Dancing. Hello?

It's Professor Duncan.

Come to the parking lot now.

What's wrong with your voice?

I'm disguising it.

I'll be right back.
But while I'm gone,

you guys need to
hash this stuff out.

No stone unturned. Go.

Get in the car.

Act as if
we've either just finished

or are yet to begin driving.

Every answer to every test

in your curriculum
this semester.

I knew you could do it, buddy.
Thank you.

Whoa, there, grabby grabby.

What do I get?

The satisfaction of being even.

Even, fairness, right, wrong.
There is no God.

Booyah, booyah.
What do you want from me?

Your Lexus.

My car for a semester's
worth of answers?

Will it be just a semester,
though, Jeff?

Won't you be taking
the easy way out

for the next four years?

I want payment in advance.

I want leather seats
with built-in ball warmers.

You know, bluffs this weak

are how your people
lost the colonies.

Have a nice disbarment hearing.

What am I supposed to drive?

Take this car.
It's good for the Earth.

So is wiping your butt
with a leaf

but it's not
how a man gets around.

Golf cart.

It is a disaster in there.

Yeah. Untutorable.

You like Thai food?
I love Thai food.

Wait. So this is a game to you?

You put human beings into
a state of emotional shambles

for a shot
at getting in my pants?

Why can't you see that
for the compliment that it is?

Okay, okay, okay.
I'm sorry. It was an accident.

I did a little bit of lying
to get close to you.

But how was I supposed to know
that you were smart and cool.

You look like Elizabeth Shue.

You're unbelievable.
What do you want me to do?

Maybe one decent thing
could be to go in there

and clean up your mess.

I'm the Barack
Obama of this room.

Okay, if I do that,
then dinner, right?

Yeah, fine, whatever.
As if there's a dinner on earth

that could make me forget
you are a shallow douche bag.

Oh, you're gonna eat those words
when you see my new car.

All right, everybody!

I wanna say something.
Sit down.

Well, you don't have to yell.
I don't appreciate your tone.

What makes humans different
from other animals?

Feet.

No, no. Come on,
bears have feet.

We're the only species on earth

that observes
"Shark week."

Sharks don't even observe
"Shark Week," but we do.

For the same reason
I can pick up this pencil,

tell you it's name is Steve

and go like this.
Oh.

And part of you dies

just a little bit on the inside.

Because people can connect
with anything.

We can sympathize with pencil,

we can forgive a shark,

and we can give Ben Affleck

an Academy Award
for screenwriting.

Big mistake.

People can find the good

in just about anything
but themselves.

Look at me. It's clear to
all of you that I am awesome.

But I could never admit that.
That would make me an ass.

But what I can do is see
what makes Annie awesome.

She's driven.

We need driven people

or lights go out
and ice cream melts.

And Pierce,
we need guys like Pierce.

This guy has wisdom to offer.
The Dalai Lama and I...

We should listen to him.
We wouldn't regret it.

And Shirley,
Shirley has earned our respect.

Not as a wife, not as a mother,
but as a woman.

Don't test her on that,

because that thing
about the jukebox

was too specific
to be improvised.

And Troy.

Who cares if Troy thinks
he's all that?

Maybe he is.

You think astronauts go to moon

because they hate oxygen?

No, they're trying to impress
their high school's prom king.

And Abed. Abed's a shaman.

You ask him to pass the salt,
he gives you a bowl of soup.

Because you know what,
soup is better.

Abed is better.

You are all better
than you think you are.

You are designed
not to believe it

when you hear it from yourself.

Soup?

Look to the person to your left.

Sorry. Look at the person
sitting next to you.

Look at her. Okay.

- This...?
- Yeah.

I want you to extend
to that person

the same compassion you extend

to sharks, pencils
and Ben Affleck.

I want you to say
to that person,

"I forgive you."

I forgive you.

I forgive you.
I forgive you.

You little twerp.

Pierce, I'd like you
to say, "I forgive you."

He didn't say it?
I forgive you.

You've just stopped
being a study group.

You have become something
unstoppable.

I hereby pronounce you
a community.

Oh, that's nice.
I like that.

This isn't like
Breakfast Club anymore.

It's Stripes or Meatballs.
Anything with Bill Murray.

I agree with Abed that
tonight has been very special.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a dinner engagement
with Britta.

Britta?
I lied.

Thanks for calming
everyone down.

But since you're not
a Spanish tutor,

just a lying creep
who purposely upset everyone

in an attempt to get with me,
I'd appreciate it if you left

and stopped wasting
all of our time.

Everybody ready?

Fine.

And I'm happy to report

that one of the benefits
of being a lying creep

is having all the answers
to tomorrow's test.

And I'm happy to share them
with anyone whose time I wasted

more than they wasted mine.

Jeff, if you have
all the answers,

why the hell did you start
this study group?

I don't have a study group.
I made it up.

- What about the speech?
- That's what I do.

I make things up.

And I got paid
a lot of money to do it.

Before I came
to this school-shaped toilet,

I was a lawyer.

Oh, man, this ruins everything.

I thought you're like
Bill Murray.

But you're more like
Michael Douglas.

Yeah?
Well, you have Asperger's.

What does that mean?

Ha, ha. Ass burger.

It's a serious disorder.
It really is.

If it's so serious, why don't
they call it meningitis?

Heh, heh. Yeah.
Heh, heh.

Ass burger.
Burger for your ass.

Before you say anything,

you might wanna think
about the gift you've given.

An excuse to punch a hippy?
No. No, not that.

An important lesson.

You see, the tools you acquired
to survive out there

will not help you here
at Greendale.

What you have, my friend,

is a second chance
at an honest life.

Why are people trying
to teach me things

at a school that has
an express tuition aisle?

Give me my keys.

No, I have to keep your car
for the lesson.

Don't hit me.
Please don't hit me.

Jeffrey? Jeffrey?

Are we cool? Are we cool?

We cool.

I like you, Jeffrey.

You remind me of myself
at your age.

I deserve that.

You know I've been divorced
seven times?

Sometimes I think
I'm doing something wrong.

You keep getting married.

I never looked at it that way.

Shouldn't you guys be studying?

Yeah, things got kind of
boring after you left.

Let me ask you something.

People have been clowning me
about this jacket

since I got here.

But if I take it off
to make them happy,

that just makes me weak, right?

Listen, it doesn't matter.

You lose the jacket
to please them,

you keep it to piss them off.

Either way, it's for them.
That's what's weak.

Whoa.

You just wrinkled my brain, man.

He's good, isn't he?
He's real good.

Shouldn't you be rolling around

on a bed covered
in test answers?

I don't have any of the answers.
I'm gonna flunk the test.

If you just, like, study
for an hour, it's not that hard.

You seem pretty smart.
You got a sports coat.

Well, the funny thing
about being smart

is you can get
through most of life

without having to do work.

So I'm not really sure
how to do that.

Please? So sad?

He makes me wanna:

what's going on?

Can you guys hear me?
Am I deaf?

Can you hear me talking right now?
Yes.

That's good.

You know what?
Jeff, actually,

we didn't get that far
without you.

So if you wanna come
back upstairs...

Really?

Well, it is your study group,
so...

Come on, let's study.
Sounds good.

Come on.
Pressure.

♪ Will you walk on by? ♪

I'm sorry I called you
Michael Douglas.

And I see your value now.

♪ Come on, call my name ♪

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

♪ I say, la
La la la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la
La, la, la ♪