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1
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,344
Shitty thing.
2
00:00:10,477 --> 00:00:11,980
Guillermo-- He doesn't
live here anymore.
3
00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:14,081
How is it? I can't see.
4
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:17,050
Tonight we are attending
a very special event.
5
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,219
Ha!
6
00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:21,054
Aye, fuck.
7
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:25,560
The Baron is receiving
an eternal lifetime
achievement award.
8
00:00:25,727 --> 00:00:29,998
I have never heard
of such a thing,
but it sounds very cool.
9
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,334
It is about time
our Baron got recognized
10
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:37,337
for all the incredible work
he does in our local community.
11
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,406
-Yeah.
-He has done so much
for all of us,
12
00:00:39,574 --> 00:00:42,309
- both as a leader and as a reliable lay.
- -Yeah.
13
00:00:42,442 --> 00:00:44,946
Of course I am quite accustomed
to being exalted...
14
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,081
...praised, feared.
15
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:50,752
But this shall be
a night to remember.
16
00:00:50,919 --> 00:00:53,821
Alas, no. The Sire
cannot make it.
17
00:00:53,955 --> 00:00:56,724
Our usual sitter just started
at Northwestern and, well...
18
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,058
Oh!
19
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,294
You know how hard it is
to find someone new.
20
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,997
- Baron, give us a twirl.
- Oh, no.
21
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:05,567
- Yes, please, Baron.
- Look at him go. Wow.
22
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,267
- Spin, Baron, spin.
- Wow.
23
00:01:07,434 --> 00:01:10,437
Look at you all.
Where are we going?
24
00:01:10,605 --> 00:01:12,974
We are going to an event
to honor the Baron.
25
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:14,709
- Oh.
- And you are not.
26
00:01:14,876 --> 00:01:17,779
-Oh.
-Because you
have made it very clear
27
00:01:17,946 --> 00:01:21,916
that your future lies with
the humans, not the vampires.
28
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,619
- That's not fair.
- -Guillermo, we are a family.
29
00:01:24,786 --> 00:01:26,588
-Right.
-We will always be a family.
30
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,757
- Thank you.
- And you are no longer
part of the family.
31
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,927
-Capisce?
-Because you rejected
your vampire family.
32
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,762
-I didn't--
-Yeah. The "vamily."
33
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,131
Oh. Colin Robinson, no.
34
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:40,267
-Hell-lo.
-Here he is.
35
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,603
-Shall we saddle up?
-Yes.
36
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,437
Well, why does the monster get
to go and not me?
37
00:01:43,605 --> 00:01:45,372
- "Vamily."
- Yeah.
38
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:48,076
- No, not him as well.
- Very good.
39
00:02:24,277 --> 00:02:27,280
Yeah, I'm a little hurt
I'm not going to
the vampire gathering tonight,
40
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,917
but it's probably
for the best, you know?
41
00:02:31,753 --> 00:02:34,022
Besides, I already made plans
to hang out with
my cousin Miguel.
42
00:02:34,656 --> 00:02:37,525
Actually, Miguel and I
used to be really close
when I was little.
43
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:41,029
But then he kinda became
this, like, jock.
44
00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:43,330
We grew apart,
45
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:46,834
but our moms are determined
that we be really good friends.
46
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,139
We're gonna... hang out.
47
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,014
- Miguel! Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?
48
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,215
You love it.
49
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:03,518
-No, I don't.
-Yeah, you do.
50
00:03:03,685 --> 00:03:06,154
No, I don't.
I really don't.
51
00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:09,356
We should've done this sooner.
I was working at this job,
you know?
52
00:03:09,524 --> 00:03:12,527
It was crazy. I had to
get outta there. I was
starting to lose my mind--
53
00:03:12,694 --> 00:03:15,063
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo.
I don't need the whole
pinche novella, okay?
54
00:03:15,697 --> 00:03:16,764
Losers first.
55
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:17,765
Go get 'em, slugger.
56
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:19,867
Oh!
57
00:03:20,802 --> 00:03:21,736
Strike one!
58
00:03:21,903 --> 00:03:23,370
Little out of practice
there, Memo?
59
00:03:23,538 --> 00:03:25,039
I don't think
I was ever in practice.
60
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,440
What are you talking about?
61
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,308
We used to play all the time
when we were little.
62
00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:29,711
Ah!
63
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,879
Gotta keep your eyes
on the ball, Memo.
64
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:36,216
There it is.
Every gang in the tristate area
is here. How delightful.
65
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:39,352
- Yeah. Looks like
everyone came out to play.
66
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,421
- Salutations.
- The Warriors.
Walter Hill. 1979.
67
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,623
Exciting.
68
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:47,128
- What a turnout.
- Look up there.
It's the Fly Guys.
69
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:50,464
Oh, wow. I haven't seen the
Lower East Side Vampire Punks
70
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:53,266
since one spat on me in 1983.
71
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:55,903
I was cool with it.
It's what we did back then.
72
00:03:56,070 --> 00:03:59,372
-Hello, Hamptons vampires.
-Like, "Hampires."
73
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,542
-Stop it!
-I hate these dipshits.
74
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:05,146
But kinda makes you proud,
you know? Our people.
75
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:08,583
So, this is all for me?
76
00:04:08,750 --> 00:04:11,318
- Baron Afanas, there you are.
- Ah.
77
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:12,486
-Hi.
-Hello.
78
00:04:12,687 --> 00:04:14,589
You look lovely tonight.
79
00:04:14,756 --> 00:04:17,257
- I mean, you look
lovely every night.
80
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,292
-We all look lovely tonight.
-Ugh.
81
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,829
-You included.
-Thank you.
82
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,665
All right. I'm just going
to bring you up to the stage,
83
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,667
- and then Jerry
will introduce you.
84
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:29,436
- Jerry is here?
- Who Jerry?
85
00:04:29,604 --> 00:04:31,773
Jerry's the one who put on
this whole event.
86
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,842
Look out, Manhattan all-girls
private-school vampires.
87
00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:38,478
Vicious, ruthless killers,
both socially and
in a murder sense.
88
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:39,947
What's up, girlies?
89
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:43,117
Ew.
90
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,085
-Hey!
-Told ya.
91
00:04:45,019 --> 00:04:47,121
- Check one, check two.
- Cute.
92
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,091
Hello. Hi.
93
00:04:50,258 --> 00:04:52,927
I can't believe
this total zero gets to
introduce the Baron Afanas.
94
00:04:53,094 --> 00:04:54,494
Doesn't seem right.
95
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:57,231
He hasn't even sucked him off,
let alone been nuts deep.
96
00:04:57,397 --> 00:04:58,633
All right.
97
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,168
- Just be quiet.
- You be quiet.
98
00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:03,004
Can you count, suckers?
99
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:08,475
Look around you.
100
00:05:08,643 --> 00:05:11,145
Look at all
these different vampires,
101
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:13,114
all gathered together as one.
102
00:05:13,281 --> 00:05:15,448
Yes. How about it?
103
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,552
We've got our
Coney Island carny vampires...
104
00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:21,421
...side by side
with our leatherette vampires.
105
00:05:21,589 --> 00:05:24,659
- We've got
our Rockaway surfers...
106
00:05:24,826 --> 00:05:27,562
...right next to
our JFK TSA vampires.
107
00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:32,800
-Thank you for your service!
-This city doesn't bleed
without you all.
108
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:37,104
- Yes!
- That's right!
That's right, Jerry!
109
00:05:37,238 --> 00:05:41,809
Tonight we've gathered to hear
from our esteemed leader...
110
00:05:41,976 --> 00:05:44,879
...the great Baron Afanas.
111
00:05:45,046 --> 00:05:49,584
Our supreme commander
in charge of our conquest
of the New World.
112
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:50,952
Yes, conquest!
113
00:05:53,888 --> 00:05:55,890
At least,
that was the plan, right?
114
00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:57,959
Wasn't it?
115
00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,327
Taking over the New World?
116
00:06:01,162 --> 00:06:02,864
People feeling good about it?
117
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,665
I'm just asking questions.
I don't know.
118
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:08,703
Maybe the Baron
will be able to provide
some of these answers tonight.
119
00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:12,472
Maybe there's
a perfectly good explanation
120
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,844
for why we were
sent here 250 years ago
to conquer the continent
121
00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:20,214
and we still find ourselves
cowering in the shadows.
122
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:25,286
- Do you have an answer
for that? Do you know why?
- What's this shit?
123
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:27,321
When can we move on?
- Jerry.
124
00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:29,523
That introduction
I cannot live up to.
125
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,593
-Thank you, thank you.
-'Cause here's
what I wanna know.
126
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,263
- What the fuck?
- -Does the fault lie in ourselves?
127
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:37,430
Does it lie in our stars?
128
00:06:38,132 --> 00:06:39,200
Or...
129
00:06:40,368 --> 00:06:43,403
does it lie in our leadership?
130
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,706
- He has a point!
- I'm genuinely asking.
I don't know.
131
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,174
- Hey, hey.
- -What is he talking about?
132
00:06:47,308 --> 00:06:49,277
Move!
133
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,713
Gimme that. How dare you
disrespect this man?
134
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,482
- Hear! Hear!
- This is the great,
135
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,451
the beautiful Baron Afanas.
136
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:07,427
And this man, this mixer
of boiling hot feces,
137
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,297
he knows not of his place.
138
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:13,100
He's nothing but a sower
of discontent and disrespect.
139
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:14,936
Let me see that.
140
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,469
- Puttana! No!
- Let me see that.
141
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:17,972
-No. No. Shut up!
-Hold on. Hold on.
142
00:07:18,139 --> 00:07:20,708
No. No, no, don't--
143
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,081
Ah!
144
00:07:28,783 --> 00:07:31,552
- Uh-- -Okay.
Uh, that was not my fault.
145
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:36,489
- Jerry was killed
by that Frankenstein monster!
146
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,426
It's Cravensworth's monster.
147
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,460
Run! Run!
148
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:43,463
They killed Jerry!
The Staten Island vampires
killed Jerry!
149
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,967
-No, we didn't.
-Kill them!
150
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,768
- We should get
the fuck out of here!
151
00:07:54,108 --> 00:07:56,944
Kill them!
152
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,661
Fucking hell.
How many bats are up there?
153
00:08:13,828 --> 00:08:15,830
So flying home
is not an option.
154
00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:18,332
Where do we go,
what do we do
and how do we do it?
155
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,969
We need to get home.
Which way is home? Is it north?
156
00:08:22,136 --> 00:08:24,538
-I'm certain we are south.
-No. No, we're not.
I'm feeling east.
157
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,173
You know
I can't fly, you dicks.
158
00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:28,642
Ah. Colin Robinson,
do you know how to get home?
159
00:08:28,809 --> 00:08:30,811
No, I have no idea. I...
160
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:34,315
I never thought
I'd ever say this, but I think
we need to call Gizmo.
161
00:08:34,482 --> 00:08:35,950
- Ah! Yes.
- Yes, great idea.
162
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,653
Guillermo!
163
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:42,423
Not like that,
you fucking idiot.
With the phone that he's doing.
164
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,225
I can also try echolocating.
165
00:08:44,392 --> 00:08:47,595
Nadja, I'm on the phone!
166
00:08:47,762 --> 00:08:49,530
Come one, man.
That's why you gotta concentrate.
167
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,232
I was concentrating.
168
00:08:51,399 --> 00:08:53,502
- So this new job has
a documentary about it too?
169
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,772
No, it's actually
the same documentary.
170
00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,241
It just now follows a guy
who quits his old job
171
00:09:00,408 --> 00:09:02,576
and goes out into
the regular world.
172
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:06,247
Okay, word. So it's like
Sling Blade. But boring.
173
00:09:06,414 --> 00:09:08,517
Know what, Miguel? This is why
I don't hang out with you.
174
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,718
You don't hang out
with any of the familia.
175
00:09:10,885 --> 00:09:14,088
I don't because every time I do,
they make me feel guilty
that I'm always busy.
176
00:09:14,255 --> 00:09:16,390
This was a mistake.
I'm sorry. I'm gonna go, okay?
177
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,427
Hey, hey. Come on, Memo.
I'm not mad at you, man.
178
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:22,029
We love you.
All right? We were worried.
179
00:09:22,196 --> 00:09:24,331
We never saw you.
You're out there on your own.
180
00:09:24,498 --> 00:09:26,200
You never even talked
about having any friends.
181
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,503
Don't worry about me, okay?
I have plenty of friends.
182
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:31,305
Oh, really? That's great.
Name me one friend.
Like, who's your best friend?
183
00:09:31,472 --> 00:09:34,075
That would be, uh, Nandor.
184
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,544
Nandor?
185
00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,711
My-- My boss. My ex-boss.
He's not my boss anymore.
186
00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:39,747
Your best friend
is your former boss?
187
00:09:39,914 --> 00:09:41,749
- I know, okay?
It's complicated, but...
188
00:09:41,916 --> 00:09:42,716
Wait.
189
00:09:43,417 --> 00:09:44,519
Colin?
190
00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,220
Wait, slow down. What?
191
00:09:48,523 --> 00:09:51,358
Here we go,
Mr. Drama Queen.
Just like always.
192
00:09:51,526 --> 00:09:54,261
Every time we start to have fun,
you all of a sudden
have an emergency somewhere.
193
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,630
-My friends need help.
They're in danger.
-In danger?
194
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,966
It's gonna sound crazy,
but someone's
trying to kill them.
195
00:09:59,568 --> 00:10:02,136
-What the fuck?
-Just please let me go.
196
00:10:02,303 --> 00:10:04,605
No, no. Fuck that.
I'm going with you,
all right? Let's roll.
197
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,273
You don't even know them.
Why would you wanna come?
198
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,375
I don't need to know them.
199
00:10:08,543 --> 00:10:10,311
You're my familia, all right?
I have to have your back.
Let's go.
200
00:10:12,413 --> 00:10:14,815
-Okay.
-An attack on your friends
is an attack on all of us.
201
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,750
Seat belt on.
202
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,053
Wait. You should know
before we go that
my friends, they're...
203
00:10:19,220 --> 00:10:19,987
they're not like
204
00:10:21,322 --> 00:10:23,824
the regular people
that you know.
205
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:26,494
Memo, will you chill out?
I have gay friends, all right?
It's not a big deal. ¡Ándale!
206
00:10:31,065 --> 00:10:33,000
And remember,
when we find them, I get dibs
207
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:35,936
- on killing the one with the really gross man bun.
- -So cringe.
208
00:10:38,540 --> 00:10:40,441
They're not here. Let's go.
- Okay, let's go.
209
00:10:45,446 --> 00:10:48,382
- Okay. That was not
supposed to go that way.
210
00:10:48,550 --> 00:10:51,785
I cannot believe that Jerry
betrayed the Baron like that.
211
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:54,188
As long as you are all right,
that's all that matters.
212
00:10:54,355 --> 00:10:56,625
- Ugh.
- -I have been serving Jerry for months.
213
00:10:56,790 --> 00:10:58,893
I feel so betrayed.
I'm so sorry.
214
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:01,795
I hear you, I hear you.
You know, trust is essential--
215
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:04,798
Um-- We're just gonna
give you guys a minute.
Just give you some...
216
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,767
Sounds like
this Jerry does not get...
217
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:11,005
Laszlo, why did your monster
flip the fuck out
and pop Jerry's head?
218
00:11:11,172 --> 00:11:14,041
He was just performing
his duties as a protector.
219
00:11:14,208 --> 00:11:18,012
Well, then how do I know that
he might not just flip out
one day and pop my head?
220
00:11:18,179 --> 00:11:20,515
-My monster would never do that.
-How could you be so sure?
221
00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:23,518
Look at the mess
that thing has created.
222
00:11:23,684 --> 00:11:28,189
That lumbering,
demented donkey of a creature
is clearly capable of anything.
223
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:32,661
No, no, no. He's not.
My darling, my monster
would never hurt you.
224
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,461
I didn't want you to know,
225
00:11:34,629 --> 00:11:37,031
but the sole objective
of creating him
in the first place
226
00:11:37,198 --> 00:11:38,533
was to keep you safe.
227
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:40,467
What?
228
00:11:40,635 --> 00:11:43,470
My darling, if anything were
to happen to me,
229
00:11:43,638 --> 00:11:45,507
you would be protected.
230
00:11:45,674 --> 00:11:47,509
-What?
-When have I ever
needed protecting
231
00:11:47,676 --> 00:11:48,709
from anything or anyone?
232
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,377
I knew you'd react like this.
233
00:11:50,545 --> 00:11:52,046
For the record, my darling,
234
00:11:52,213 --> 00:11:55,182
I was a vampire
on my own for centuries.
235
00:11:55,349 --> 00:11:57,586
Before you came along,
Mr. Cravensworth,
236
00:11:57,751 --> 00:12:02,423
I once ripped
an entire pack of werewolves
to shreds with my bare fangs
237
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:05,594
and then scattered
their entrails on the road
like a confetti.
238
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:09,598
-I've heard this story
a thousand--
-Ah! A confetti.
239
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,768
The skies are clear.
240
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,403
Let's try
to get our bearings.
241
00:12:16,571 --> 00:12:19,440
- Look.
Look down there.
242
00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:23,545
Athletes preparing for
a baseball game? At this hour?
243
00:12:23,712 --> 00:12:26,780
They're not athletes,
you tit. They're
the Bronx Bomber vampires.
244
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:28,516
Well, they're looking for us.
245
00:12:28,683 --> 00:12:30,751
Good. Let's just take them on
and get this over with.
246
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,253
No, we should cross the bridge.
247
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,088
Okay.
248
00:12:34,255 --> 00:12:35,557
- Keep walking.
- They're coming up here!
249
00:12:35,724 --> 00:12:37,458
Just keep walking.
250
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:38,892
- What now?
- Shit.
251
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:42,096
Oh, no. It's the
Meatpacking District vampires.
252
00:12:42,263 --> 00:12:44,298
As deadly
as they are beautiful.
253
00:12:44,465 --> 00:12:46,066
I wouldn't mind having
my meat packed.
254
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,402
- This way. To the subway.
- Shut the fuck up.
255
00:12:48,570 --> 00:12:50,871
- Flee! Down here!
- We must run!
256
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:53,040
Come on.
Take cover fast!
257
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,309
- Fuck yeah.
I see an entrance.
258
00:12:55,476 --> 00:12:56,777
Come on. Hurry.
259
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,412
Does the subway
even go to Staten Island?
260
00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,481
- Stay close, Blondie.
- What the fuck?
261
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:02,717
Hey. What's this shit?
262
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,753
- Great.
Jumping vampires.
- All right. Cool down.
263
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,453
Is it hat vampires?
264
00:13:06,621 --> 00:13:08,690
- Fuck off. Fuck off.
- Oh, shit.
265
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,725
No. What are they?
266
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:11,992
These guys are the, uh...
267
00:13:13,695 --> 00:13:16,397
I don't actually know
what kind of vampires these are.
268
00:13:16,564 --> 00:13:19,433
-Are they '80s vampires?
-Breakdance vampires?
269
00:13:19,601 --> 00:13:22,604
No, I think they're
Fame the movie vampires,
270
00:13:22,771 --> 00:13:25,105
or Fame the TV show vampires.
271
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:29,109
And the space suit fella
must represent MTV or something.
272
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,746
Then what's with
the riverboat gambler guy?
273
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,548
They lost me there.
I have no clue.
274
00:13:33,715 --> 00:13:35,617
You killed Jerry the vampire.
275
00:13:35,784 --> 00:13:38,285
No, no. That was done
by a random monster.
276
00:13:38,452 --> 00:13:39,554
- Shazam!
- Uh-oh.
277
00:13:39,721 --> 00:13:41,756
- Five, six, seven, eight.
- No!
278
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,658
What's this shit?
279
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:45,627
- Ooh!
- Oh! Okay.
280
00:13:45,794 --> 00:13:48,195
They're twinkle-toe vampires.
I got this.
281
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,634
Have you ever seen feet move
at this medium pace?
282
00:13:52,801 --> 00:13:54,536
- All right.
- That's
a nice one. Aha!
283
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,136
Oh.
284
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,305
- Fuck off.
- Wow.
285
00:13:58,472 --> 00:14:00,542
- It's really good.
- Not bad.
286
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,376
- Oh...
- Fuck this shit.
287
00:14:03,177 --> 00:14:05,045
What? What?
288
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,815
- Okay.
- What the fuck?
289
00:14:08,382 --> 00:14:09,617
Fuck, Laszlo!
290
00:14:09,784 --> 00:14:11,251
They really weren't
that threatening.
291
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:12,787
You idiot.
292
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:15,189
Well, he's dead.
293
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:16,924
- Full house.
- I was handling it.
294
00:14:17,091 --> 00:14:18,158
Sorry.
295
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,694
Let's just keep moving,
all right?
296
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,095
We'll get above ground...
297
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:22,564
-Okay.
-...so Guillermo can find us.
298
00:14:22,731 --> 00:14:24,331
- Good idea.
- Whatever.
299
00:14:24,498 --> 00:14:26,500
You know,
I really like it
when you take charge.
300
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,539
No, no, no.
301
00:14:31,706 --> 00:14:33,374
Don't worry about the address.
I'll text when I get it.
302
00:14:33,541 --> 00:14:36,043
Just gather 'em up.
Keep your phone on,
all right? All right.
303
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,846
Who was that?
304
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,880
- Some friends.
In case we need backup.
- Backup?
305
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,717
You said your friends are gonna
get killed. I don't know
what's gonna happen.
306
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,552
-Where are they, man?
-I don't know, okay?
307
00:14:44,719 --> 00:14:47,221
Colin lost his location,
so maybe he lost reception.
308
00:14:47,388 --> 00:14:50,257
-I can try calling again.
I don't know.
-Are these people even real?
309
00:14:50,424 --> 00:14:52,393
Are you kidding me right now?
Yes, they're real.
310
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,229
-Why would I be doing this
if they're not real?
-I just had to check.
311
00:14:55,396 --> 00:14:58,098
-Had to check?
They're real, okay? Don't worry.
-You're acting crazy.
312
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,968
They're my friends,
and they're vampires,
so there's that.
313
00:15:01,569 --> 00:15:03,203
-Did you just say
they're vampires?
-Yeah.
314
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:04,938
Actually, you met one of them.
315
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,940
-What?
-Yeah, but you attacked her.
316
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,108
- The fuck?
- You attacked her.
317
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:09,778
I would remember
something like that.
318
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,713
How could you?
She hypnotized you.
319
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:12,946
How you gonna remember, hmm?
320
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,188
-You know what?
Let's just keep driving.
-Yeah, let's keep driving.
321
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:22,624
Oh, it's Colin.
322
00:15:22,791 --> 00:15:25,693
Hey, hey. Hi, Colin.
Where are you?
323
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,062
Okey dokey.
324
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:32,600
I just got off the phone
with Gizmo
325
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:35,603
and gave him...
...our locash.
326
00:15:35,770 --> 00:15:37,304
You know, Laszlo,
327
00:15:37,471 --> 00:15:40,575
I had
those dancing vampire freaks
in the palm of my hands.
328
00:15:40,742 --> 00:15:44,679
I do not need you
or your stupid monster
to protect me.
329
00:15:44,846 --> 00:15:46,280
Is that what you think?
330
00:15:47,448 --> 00:15:52,352
My darling, I did not train
my monster to protect you
331
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,923
because I thought
you could not live without me.
332
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,525
I trained that monster
333
00:15:58,192 --> 00:16:00,394
because I cannot live
without you.
334
00:16:02,864 --> 00:16:04,164
Laszlo,
335
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,034
I cannot live without you.
336
00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:10,905
But if something
was to happen to you
and I was to lose you,
337
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,675
it wouldn't be your protection
I would miss.
338
00:16:13,842 --> 00:16:15,309
It would be you.
339
00:16:15,476 --> 00:16:18,813
Your looks, the layers
in your hairs. Your wit.
340
00:16:19,514 --> 00:16:22,983
And the way you use
that extremely large hog.
341
00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:25,520
And that cannot be taught.
342
00:16:25,687 --> 00:16:27,187
No, it can't.
343
00:16:28,823 --> 00:16:30,357
Aw. They're being sweet again.
344
00:16:31,559 --> 00:16:32,660
- Yes.
- The way that...
345
00:16:32,827 --> 00:16:34,596
Kinda makes you think,
doesn't it?
346
00:16:35,830 --> 00:16:37,064
Think about what?
347
00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:39,266
Well, isn't it obvious?
348
00:16:40,668 --> 00:16:43,972
I have been searching for love
for so very long,
349
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,140
and it was right here
the whole time.
350
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,943
Right under my nose.
351
00:16:50,578 --> 00:16:52,045
In front of my nose.
352
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,984
-Me?
-You.
353
00:16:57,785 --> 00:16:59,554
Ugh.
354
00:16:59,721 --> 00:17:01,689
-So, I've watched
your search for love.
-Mm-hmm.
355
00:17:01,856 --> 00:17:03,858
This one, that one.
356
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,425
-Your dead wife.
-Yes.
357
00:17:05,627 --> 00:17:07,762
-Guillermo's boyfriend.
-Freddie.
358
00:17:07,962 --> 00:17:11,733
Gail. I mean, basically, anyone
and everyone who wasn't me.
359
00:17:11,900 --> 00:17:14,334
And I've seen
after you won their hearts.
360
00:17:14,502 --> 00:17:16,036
It all falls apart.
361
00:17:16,905 --> 00:17:20,508
Because you're all about
the conquest, not the victory.
362
00:17:20,675 --> 00:17:23,845
You're a good friend,
but you will never have me.
363
00:17:24,746 --> 00:17:25,547
Ever.
364
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,116
Sorry, could you
run that by me again?
365
00:17:29,283 --> 00:17:30,885
I completely zoned out.
366
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:34,321
I got ever so lost in those big,
367
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,858
beautiful blue eyes of yours.
368
00:17:37,025 --> 00:17:39,092
I said
you'll never have me.
369
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:42,195
I have a little bit
of self-respect.
A little... ...bit.
370
00:17:42,764 --> 00:17:44,666
- I just feel so ready for love.
-Okay.
371
00:17:44,799 --> 00:17:46,935
-Mmm... Wait a minute.
What is that?
-Hey.
372
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,703
- Laszlo.
- Oh, shit.
373
00:17:48,870 --> 00:17:51,573
- What the fuck?
- Graveyard vampires.
374
00:17:51,739 --> 00:17:54,074
- Well, you hang out
in a graveyard,
375
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:55,743
you can expect
spooky crap like this.
376
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:57,879
Oh, bloody fuck.
377
00:17:58,046 --> 00:17:59,581
- Should we...
- There's too many of them.
378
00:17:59,747 --> 00:18:01,716
-Run while you can.
-Yes, yes. Come on, Laszlo.
379
00:18:01,883 --> 00:18:02,817
- This way.
- Yes.
380
00:18:02,984 --> 00:18:04,084
Come on,
you skull fucks.
381
00:18:05,419 --> 00:18:08,990
Here.
Quick! Shit. Shit.
382
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:11,559
- Come on,
do your worst.
383
00:18:11,726 --> 00:18:13,795
Fucking hell. Ah!
384
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,897
No, no, no! Wait!
385
00:18:16,764 --> 00:18:18,533
No. Fuck off.
386
00:18:18,700 --> 00:18:21,603
Ah! I see you know
your judo well.
387
00:18:21,769 --> 00:18:23,972
-Laszlo!
-It's all right, my darling.
I'll be right there.
388
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:26,574
I'm coming!
Hang your cape on that.
389
00:18:26,741 --> 00:18:28,308
Get your hands off me.
390
00:18:28,475 --> 00:18:31,079
Get out,
you motherfucker!
391
00:18:32,947 --> 00:18:34,082
Ooh.
392
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,953
Nadja!
There's some over here too.
393
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,889
All right. Who's next?
I can do this all night long.
394
00:18:44,458 --> 00:18:46,628
- Fuck off.
- Oh.
395
00:18:46,794 --> 00:18:48,796
- Help me up.
- Laszlo.
396
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:52,265
-Where's my wife?
-She's over there.
397
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:55,335
- Okay.
- Very good aim. Wow!
398
00:18:55,937 --> 00:18:57,772
Look at my gruesome girl go.
399
00:18:57,939 --> 00:19:00,173
It's like front row
at a Gallagher show.
400
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,609
I think
maybe he's dead?
401
00:19:01,776 --> 00:19:04,344
I will say when he's dead.
402
00:19:04,512 --> 00:19:07,481
Very impressive. But I think
there might be more vampires
on the way.
403
00:19:07,649 --> 00:19:09,316
-Perhaps we should
get out of here.
-In a minute!
404
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:10,317
Okay.
405
00:19:12,787 --> 00:19:14,622
Now we can go.
406
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:17,125
Great. Let's do that.
407
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,336
-Do you want a straw?
-Nope.
408
00:19:29,504 --> 00:19:32,339
You think that maybe we
should order coffee drinks--
thank you--
409
00:19:32,507 --> 00:19:33,841
so we don't look like
a bunch of vampires
410
00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:36,010
sat around waiting for
our familiar to save us?
411
00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:39,047
We can all be here without
everyone ordering coffee.
412
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,281
And we can stay at the table
as long as we want.
413
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,551
And when it comes
to the bathrooms,
414
00:19:43,718 --> 00:19:45,687
- legally, it's Thunderdome.
- Hey.
415
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:47,055
- Guillermo!
- Guillermo.
416
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,023
- Finally.
- Hey, Gomez.
417
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,958
-You took your sweet time.
-Nadja, you all right?
You have a little--
418
00:19:51,125 --> 00:19:53,260
Yeah, covered, uh,
in brain and blood and guts.
419
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,328
Yes. Thank you for noticing.
420
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,832
So, uh, your vampire friends,
they hang out at coffee shops?
421
00:19:57,999 --> 00:20:00,635
Hey, look, no offense.
I love the costumes, man.
422
00:20:00,802 --> 00:20:03,137
You turn your mom's rug
into a dress?
That's pretty cool.
423
00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,139
But, uh, you guys
really think you're vampires?
424
00:20:06,574 --> 00:20:08,576
No, Nandor.
Don't hurt him.
That's my cousin, Miguel.
425
00:20:08,743 --> 00:20:10,745
No kidding.
426
00:20:10,912 --> 00:20:13,915
So you are the famous Miguel.
We have heard lots about you.
427
00:20:14,082 --> 00:20:15,683
What the fuck?
428
00:20:15,850 --> 00:20:18,186
Guillermo tells us
you're very tough and very cool
429
00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,855
and once locked him
in a cupboard for six hours.
430
00:20:21,022 --> 00:20:22,890
-Put it there.
-Don't need to fist bump
on that.
431
00:20:23,057 --> 00:20:25,358
Sorry about that.
Let's straighten that for you.
432
00:20:25,526 --> 00:20:27,260
-You guys kill people?
-No shit, Kojak.
433
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,362
Chillax, Miguel.
434
00:20:29,530 --> 00:20:31,431
'Cause a member
of Guillermo's family
is a member of our family.
435
00:20:31,599 --> 00:20:32,967
- Right, guys?
- Right.
436
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:35,169
-"Vamilia."
-Nadnor! I have a Nadnor.
437
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,672
Is that for you, Nandor?
438
00:20:37,805 --> 00:20:40,007
No, she is calling someone
called Nadnor. Also, I have
not ordered anything, so--
439
00:20:40,174 --> 00:20:44,712
-I have one roundhouse kick
for a Nandor.
-Yes. I am Nan--
440
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:49,016
How quaint. A barista vampire.
441
00:20:49,183 --> 00:20:51,986
We're not barista vampires.
We're artist and writer vampires
442
00:20:52,186 --> 00:20:54,956
who happen to currently
be working as baristas.
443
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:57,357
And graphic designer vampires.
444
00:20:57,491 --> 00:20:59,193
-Hi. I'm Cass.
-Hi, Cass.
445
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,462
- Personal essayist vampire
Louis here.
446
00:21:02,630 --> 00:21:04,799
-Got a shot for Nandor.
-Oh, that's me. Yes.
447
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,901
Fucking guy.
448
00:21:07,068 --> 00:21:08,903
My mistake.
That was supposed to be
a double shot.
449
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:12,206
Whoa. Oh, shit.
450
00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,041
Oh, I forgot to mention.
You have Van Helsing blood
running through you.
451
00:21:14,175 --> 00:21:16,443
-What?
-It's a long story.
I'll tell you later, okay?
452
00:21:20,882 --> 00:21:21,883
Bat.
453
00:21:23,718 --> 00:21:26,587
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
It's because I said
the word "bat."
454
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,825
- And I've done it again.
- I meant to say-- -Miguel.
455
00:21:32,894 --> 00:21:33,728
Should we get involved?
456
00:21:34,929 --> 00:21:37,799
You know, I forgot
how scrappy Gizmo can be
457
00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:39,432
when he gets a bit of a bee
in his bonnet.
458
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:40,968
Ooh.
459
00:21:41,135 --> 00:21:42,937
Steam.
460
00:21:43,104 --> 00:21:44,105
"Vampuccino."
461
00:21:44,272 --> 00:21:45,506
I will fucking kill you.
462
00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:51,946
Ah! Ooh. Very good.
463
00:21:54,515 --> 00:21:56,851
Almost there.
Keep reaching, Gizmo.
464
00:21:59,887 --> 00:22:01,689
Nice shot.
465
00:22:01,856 --> 00:22:03,891
- Ooh. Dead. Very good.
- Guillermo.
466
00:22:04,091 --> 00:22:05,293
- We should go.
- Yes.
467
00:22:05,458 --> 00:22:07,195
What the fuck is that?
468
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:09,063
Just some homeys of mine.
I called them in case
we were outnumbered.
469
00:22:09,263 --> 00:22:13,167
Here they come. Hell yeah!
Donnie brought the Spyder.
470
00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:15,503
- Fancy a ride, my darling?
- -Hello.
471
00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:16,804
We gotta go.
472
00:22:16,971 --> 00:22:18,371
This one?
Hold on, hold on.
473
00:22:18,539 --> 00:22:20,608
- Get in, man.
- Colin Robinson!
474
00:22:20,775 --> 00:22:22,109
Let's go. We have to go.
475
00:22:23,644 --> 00:22:25,313
I don't want to get
my cape caught.
476
00:22:33,054 --> 00:22:34,322
Ah.
477
00:22:34,487 --> 00:22:35,790
- Oh, home.
- Oh, yes.
478
00:22:35,957 --> 00:22:36,991
- We're home.
- Ooh, doggy.
479
00:22:37,158 --> 00:22:39,193
- Baron?
- Well, well, well.
480
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:40,561
You're okay!
481
00:22:40,728 --> 00:22:41,863
Look who came home!
482
00:22:42,029 --> 00:22:44,298
Baron, how did you
get back so fast?
483
00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:49,070
Did you know that Staten Island
has an above-ground train?
484
00:22:49,237 --> 00:22:51,172
- It's actually quite pleasant.
- Hey...
485
00:22:51,339 --> 00:22:56,210
And it gave me a chance
to open up that Louise Penny
I have on audiobook.
486
00:22:56,376 --> 00:22:58,246
- Love her.
- She's okay.
But a quick question.
487
00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:01,082
What the hell were you thinking?
488
00:23:01,249 --> 00:23:03,483
Why did you kill
Jerry the Vampire?
489
00:23:03,618 --> 00:23:07,922
B-Because, Baron,
Jerry was a huge threat
to your almighty power.
490
00:23:08,089 --> 00:23:09,223
Yes.
491
00:23:09,857 --> 00:23:12,193
Which is why I wanted
to kill him myself
492
00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:14,862
in front of everyone
493
00:23:15,029 --> 00:23:17,397
to reassert my power.
494
00:23:17,565 --> 00:23:19,567
Do you honestly think
that I did not know
495
00:23:19,734 --> 00:23:21,702
this insipid gathering
was a trap?
496
00:23:21,869 --> 00:23:23,271
You knew?
497
00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:25,072
Of course I knew.
498
00:23:25,239 --> 00:23:28,242
I didn't know Jerry
was the enemy, Baron.
499
00:23:28,408 --> 00:23:31,879
But that is no excuse.
I have dishonored myself.
500
00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:35,683
But even worse,
I have dishonored you.
501
00:23:35,816 --> 00:23:38,252
I will now take my own life.
502
00:23:38,418 --> 00:23:41,122
- No. No!
- No, let me--
503
00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:43,557
- I will not.
- Let her.
504
00:23:43,724 --> 00:23:46,493
- Baron, take my life instead.
- Do it.
505
00:23:46,694 --> 00:23:49,462
- Huh.
- Hold on here.
Are you two a thing?
506
00:23:49,630 --> 00:23:51,666
-No. Not at all.
-It's early days.
507
00:23:51,866 --> 00:23:54,902
- Get up. We're going to run out
of vampires at this rate.
508
00:23:55,069 --> 00:23:56,904
What the blazes?
509
00:23:59,273 --> 00:24:00,942
Gift.
510
00:24:01,108 --> 00:24:03,611
Oh.
Jerry's crushed head. Thank you.
511
00:24:03,778 --> 00:24:05,579
Very nice.
512
00:24:05,746 --> 00:24:07,782
- You can just
lay that down there.
513
00:24:07,949 --> 00:24:10,551
I will find
somewhere lovely for it later.
514
00:24:10,685 --> 00:24:12,586
-Now, we all have
much organizing...
-Good job.
515
00:24:12,753 --> 00:24:14,388
...to do for tomorrow evening.
516
00:24:14,522 --> 00:24:16,724
To set this right.
517
00:24:16,891 --> 00:24:19,327
Here we are again.
518
00:24:19,492 --> 00:24:22,495
Jerry tried to tear us apart.
519
00:24:22,663 --> 00:24:25,498
But we, unlike Jerry,
520
00:24:25,666 --> 00:24:28,235
will work as one.
521
00:24:28,369 --> 00:24:30,504
- Yes.
- -For it will take all of us,
522
00:24:30,671 --> 00:24:33,274
all vampires,
523
00:24:33,441 --> 00:24:36,344
to bring the humans
of this new world
524
00:24:36,510 --> 00:24:39,479
under our dominion.
525
00:24:39,647 --> 00:24:42,316
- Yes!
- Any questions?
526
00:24:43,751 --> 00:24:45,186
Ah.
527
00:24:51,525 --> 00:24:54,362
Okay. Anybody else? Let's see.
There was someone...
528
00:24:54,528 --> 00:24:55,596
Ah. You.
529
00:24:57,064 --> 00:24:58,466
Did you have a question?
530
00:25:00,167 --> 00:25:01,869
- Uh, nope.
- Are you sure?
531
00:25:02,036 --> 00:25:04,472
Because I thought I saw
your hand go up.
532
00:25:06,807 --> 00:25:09,477
I thought I had a--
had a question,
but then y-you answered it.
533
00:25:10,478 --> 00:25:12,013
Just as I thought.
534
00:25:14,515 --> 00:25:15,750
Vampires dismissed.
535
00:25:17,818 --> 00:25:19,220
Two nights out in a row.
536
00:25:19,387 --> 00:25:21,555
The Sire's never gonna
let me hear the end of this.
38608
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