Original subtitles

[JOHNNY PACHECO, "MAZUMBA"]

Mondo, New York, home to outcast, misfit, reject, loser,

pervert, lunatics, gangsters, pranksters,

and outlaws, yeah, neurotic, psychotic,

maniacs, brainiacs, hippies, yippies, yuppie, junkies,

flunkies, monkeys, yeah--

All trying to claw their way to the top of the trash

heap, the top of the garbage pile,

all screaming in the American obscene, me, me, me, me, me,

me, me, me, me!

I want my fame, my fortune, my lousy 15 minutes!

My-- what the fuck ever it is, you want it?

We got it.

If you don't see it, ask for it because it

comes in all shapes and sizes, all colors in every dimension--

Mondo, New York.

[CHILL MUSIC]

[CHATTER]

[WHISTLING]

[CHATTER]

[PHOEBE LEGERE, "MARILYN MONROE"]

I was swimming with my friend Marilyn Monroe,

and a wave sucked me into its undertow.

I was desperately fighting my way

to the top when all of a sudden time stopped.

Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn, Marilyn Monroe.

There I'll be on the surface, I saw

the platinum glow from my friend, the beautiful Marilyn

Monroe.

Looked into her eyes, I kissed her once or twice.

She was still alive, and everything was nice.

Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn, Marilyn Monroe.

Suddenly a cloud appeared.

I said, what do you want?

It turned quite gray and said, we want your aunt.

But she can sing, and she can dance.

Won't you give the girl a second chance?

Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn, Marilyn Monroe.

Now she must die because she is too good.

It could happen to you.

It really could.

I cried and I cried as they took her away.

And they lied and lied about her every day.

Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn, Marilyn, oh, Marilyn

Monroe, ooh.

Marilyn Monroe.

[WORDLESS SINGING] Marilyn, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe,

Marilyn, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe,

Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe, Marilyn Monroe.

Marilyn, Marilyn o-oh, Marilyn Monroe.

[WORDLESS SINGING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

There's going to be a murder tonight.

[LAUGHS]

Evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I am your host, Professor Mambuzu, master of voodoo,

hoodoo, and [COUGHS] [MUMBLES] uh--

[SLAPS] Now, I know that we were all

born of some grand Mongolian clusterfuck,

be you a bughouse flattop jerk-off or southpaw

fist-fucking fagocyte.

However, your deep dish magma sure do my due.

I'd just like to jump into your clit cave

until you bark like a dog and squirt crystal

thick as a greased hog.

[CHEERS]

[LAUGHS]

[CHEERS]

[APPLAUSE]

After lunch!

Hey, you know, ladies and gentlemen,

I got two characters that I bet you'd like to meet.

Their names are Mush Mouse and Pumpkin Puss.

How'd you like to meet them?

[CHEERING]

[MYSTICAL MUSIC]

Mush Mouse and Pumpkin Puss.

How you doing Mush Mouse?

How you doing Pumpkin Puss?

I love you, too, guys.

I love you so much.

But this world is a horror.

You don't want to live here.

I'm going to save you from this shit.

I'm going to give you royal sanctuary

in the kingdom of heaven.

[WAILING]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[CHEERING]

[SCREAMING] What have I done?

[SCREAMS] They cover the land like locusts,

those vile human creatures hoarding the boulevard

with their syphilitic confuzzles,

defiling every human shape with their cosmetic urine!

These slimy adolescents deserve no salvation, only

the cleansing fires of red hot steel.

[CHEERS]

[SIZZLES]

[CHEERS]

[FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING]

[CHEERING]

And as the mother had her snatch eaten by the stranger,

so the junkie had his rotten yellow teeth eaten by the mm--

[SCREAMING]

[CHEERING]

[EERIE MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS]

New York City is a fucking jungle.

Even the architecture is like a jungle.

You got a Baroque next to a Rococo, next to a modern,

growing crazy like some kind of a wild exotic plant

in the jungle.

[SNIFFS] And here, in this apocalypse culture, is my cave.

This is-- this is-- in my own jungle, my cave, where

I collect and worship my own private personal icons

like Richard Speck, the killer of eight student nurses,

the skull of a man that was murdered with an ax.

I've always been misanthropic.

Even as a kid, I didn't have any friends.

I just had this graveyard that was

across the street from my house.

And I would go into the graveyard,

and I would talk to the headstones.

And I would believe that there was someone in there.

And that character was real for me.

And I would live and breathe as that character.

And that's how my performances started.

And after-- after I moved into New York, I would sort of--

I would start by driving around in a station wagon

with my explosives packed in the back of the station wagon.

And when I'd see a real rowdy New York City bar,

I'd just pull over.

And I'd scrawl at the top of my head in blood,

give Christ back to the Martians,

strap on my explosives and walk into the bar.

I'd go up to some pretty girl there,

and I'd say, I don't want to fuck you, honey.

I just want to cut your tits off and splice them

on Dixie cups and sip wine and punch out

of them all evening long.

Yeah, I want to spread your snatch with a shoehorn

and plain asparagus.

You know what I'm talking about?

And of course, she'd get a little upset.

And she'd go over to her boyfriend and say,

you got to kick that guy's ass.

That guy just insulted me.

So the guy would come over, all tough and rowdy.

And he'd see that I got, give Christ

back to the Martians, scrawled on my head.

And he'd get a little upset.

And at that point, I'd pull out my trusty lighter, light the

explosives I have underneath my shirt.

And at that time, as I'm blowing up,

the whole place was just confused.

And people would dive under the tables.

People would scream.

And in the smoke and in the confusion,

I would just walk out before the cops got there.

Anywhere else but New York City and I'd

probably be in jail right now.

But I'm here to talk about it.

[CHILL MUSIC]

[RHYTHMIC MUSIC]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[WHIPCRACKING]

Ahh!

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

Ah!

What'd you say?

Yes, sir.

[GROANS] OK.

Oh!

[WHIPCRACKING]

[CHAINS CLINKING]

Ah--

[WHIPCRACK]

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

[CHAINS CLINKING]

[SLAPPING]

[GROANS]

[SLAPPING]

[GROANING]

[SLAPPING]

Ahh!

[WHIPCRACKING]

[GROANING]

[CHAINS CLINKING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

Rock back and forth, holding on to the wrapping that

holds us all together.

Colorful ribbons of our cocoon, the two lovers

pumping hard on the swing, working together

to get the highest thrilling, flying, and swooshing

drop in their bellies.

And yet in their loins, almost sexual but not quite,

sex would get in the way of the child-like melting of Earth

and sky.

Back and forth, up and down, wrapping us together

in brightness and softness and the magical commonness.

A girl laughs on a big old rocking horse.

A GI, holding his guts in, blood oozing out,

rocks on the battlefield, rocks to keep life in and pain out.

Light pulses reflected off tin and plastic.

Daddy rocking baby to sleep on his lap,

cozy togetherness in ribbons, rocking by the fire,

far away from reality.

The Arab woman on her knees beside the unrecognizable

remains of her husband, rocking to handle grief and pain.

A crazy rocks on the street corner,

talking to beings from another reality.

Wrap us up cozy.

Wrap us formless.

[GUTTURAL LAUGHING]

Admit that we all are wrapped up together and see through ties.

The gypsy woman, eyes closed, rocks back and forth,

giving master spirits her voice and her body to speak through,

rocking in her tent.

The boys rocking uncontrollable from laughter

at their childish pranks.

Rocking surrealistic in the darkness

and their colorful bonds, the two nude figures,

using magical passion to melt together, rock like the blind,

like the insane, like the holy men, like lovers.

And the magical melting spreads out of the cave

and into the world.

[ENERGETIC MUSIC]

I love New York.

If you can make it in New York, you can make it anyplace.

I fought for the Lower East Side.

I'll fight for the Lower East Side.

And I don't want no high rise on the Lower East Side.

[ENERGETIC MUSIC]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

It's all about survival, man.

You know when-- if you can make it in New York,

you can make it anywhere in the world, man.

Anywhere.

I come from the East End of London.

And I used to think it was pretty rough.

But now I live where it's really tough.

I live in Alphabet City.

I live with gangs of Wall Street brokers, fashion photographers,

merchant bankers, lawyers, accountants,

and real estate agents.

White people used to come down here

for a good deal on some heroin.

Now they come down for a good deal

on some short-term investment property.

The Mambo has been replaced by Mozart.

The only rap music you'll hear around here

is on a compact disk, just when you

thought it was safe to relax in the gutter.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

New York is the clitoris of the world.

This is a woman's time and space.

We're here to celebrate.

[JOEY ARIAS, "FISH OUT OF WATER"]

[BEATBOXING]

(SINGING) Fish out of water, now what can I do?

[BEATBOXING] Fish out of water, my face is so blue.

[BEATBOXING] Fish out of water, I'll scream then I'll cry.

Fish out of water, it's your turn tonight.

You got it going now.

I'm on beat.

You know there's something wrong.

No feet!

You see how easy now.

Aha!

You see how east now.

Walk beat.

[BEATBOXING]

(SINGING) Fish out of water in Mondo, New York.

Fish out of water, there's lots more in store.

Fish out of water, you dream then ask why.

Fish out of water, it's your turn tonight.

The cost of living now is bad taste.

Look at the aces.

It's so insane!

Time is ticking now.

This coffee's hot.

That's why I don't clothe.

And you're not!

(SINGING) Fish out of water, now what can we do?

Fish out of water, our face are so blue.

We're people's juice now.

They call us names.

Hey, turkey!

Weirdo!

Buckle old.

Hobo!

Slag!

Yo Mama.

Your defeat?

Would that be it now?

Hey, skipper beat.

And wrong Take me.

You see how easy now.

We're on the beat.

(SINGING) Fish out of the water in Mondo, New York.

Fish out of water, there's lots more in store.

Fish out of the water, you'll dream then ask why.

Fish out of water, it your turn tonight.

New York is my town.

Did you hear me?

New York is my town.

Forget about that Edwina Koch.

[LAUGHS] [GRUNTS] I'm the mayor of New York City.

I own Fifth Avenue, Wall Street, the money, the people,

the city, the trees, the street vendors, the musicians,

the artists, the drug addicts.

It all belongs to me.

I own everything you see here-- the buildings, everything!

Do you hear me?

If you don't believe me, I'll turn your heat off in February

and put it back on in August.

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[CHATTER]

Me and guys sell drugs out here to support my family.

It's just like a 9:00 to 5:00 job to me, just

like anything else.

But the thing that bugs me the most is when I get busted,

the cops are younger than me.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[CHATTER]

[CHEERING]

Give a round of applause.

(CHANTING) Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie!

Charlie!

Hey!

[CHEERING]

We got a nice crowd here.

Yeah!

I love a New York audience.

[CHEERING]

I mean, look at this crowd.

We're in the Village.

I love the Village.

We got a nice mixed crowd.

Look what we got.

We got white folks.

[CHEERING]

We got Black folks!

[CHEERING]

We got Puerto Ricans!

[CHEERING]

Puerto Ricans!

[CHEERING]

Puerto Ricans!

[LAUGHTER]

We got a lot of fucking Puerto Ricans.

[LAUGHTER]

But I'm not going to fuck with the Puerto Ricans, man,

because y'all born with knives, right?

Y'all cut me up, and I won't even know what you're saying.

[MUMBLING]

[LAUGHTER]

And when you finish, you go, que pasa, bro.

Because I got into a fight with a Puerto Rican kid

and I was winning, I was bouncing around

like Sugar Ray Leonard.

I was bam-bam-bam!

He was only about that tall.

[LAUGHTER]

Then all of a sudden, he went like this.

[WHISTLES] And I was surrounded by a small Puerto Rican

family of 4,000.

[LAUGHTER]

I like everything, man.

Let me borrow it, OK?

I like pocket books.

I love pocket books.

I like the way white women walk with their pocketbook

when there's no Negroes around.

(SINGING) I don't see no niggers.

[LAUGHTER]

And you know what else I like about New York?

I like the way different nationalities go to work.

Everybody goes to work different.

For instance, Caucasian businessmen--

I need some white people glasses.

White people glasses, right there, right there.

Damn.

You can't see shit.

[LAUGHTER]

I can't touch my dick.

[LAUGHTER]

How do white guys go to work?

They got their briefcase.

I can walk just like the white man going to work.

Watch this, white guys.

[LAUGHTER]

I love when they stand on a corner and go--

[LAUGHTER]

And how do Black folks go to work?

We'd be talking about, fuck it, I

should get there by payday, yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I'd do Puerto Ricans but y'all don't work.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

There you go.

I'm only kidding.

If you're Puerto Rican, I like Puerto Ricans.

Y'all fuck a lot.

You have babies like Jiffy popcorn.

[LAUGHTER]

Whose glasses?

Thanks a lot.

I need a camera.

I need a camera.

Give me a camera.

Give me a fucking camera, white boy.

Give me the camera quick, quick, quick, quick.

Throw it.

Now, fuck with me.

[LAUGHTER]

You're Japanese or Korean?

Korean.

Oh, you all look alike.

[LAUGHTER]

Don't worry.

I'll be talking about niggers in a minute.

In a minute, you'll be going, oh, nigga funny now, huh?

[LAUGHTER]

Ho!

[CHEERING]

I like the Japanese tourists.

The most fascinating tourists are the Japanese.

They always got a camera.

I have never seen a Jap without a camera.

It's like niggers without a radio.

[LAUGHTER]

And I like the way Japanese people walk.

They walk real fast and don't be going no fucking place.

That's why there's so many here.

By the time they get out of bed and go to work,

it's time to go back to bed.

And they love the World Trade Center.

They love New York.

They want to take the picture, but they can never

find the motherfucker.

I like-- oh, there goes are Ja-- you Japanese, sir?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're Chinese?

Damn.

I'm negroid.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm not Black.

This is a birthmark.

But I love the Japanese tourists.

They always got a camera, right?

They want to take the picture.

You ever see them?

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

And then they find it.

[MUMBLING]

[LAUGHTER]

I love everybody.

I may do a lot ethnic humor.

I do a lot of ethnic humor.

But don't get me wrong, because I know from within my heart

that it's not Black and white.

And it's not red and yellow.

There's only one race.

And that's the human race.

Yeah!

[CHEERING]

The rest of them are Mexicans.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING]

Thank you, thank you.

Ha-ha-ha.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Stop.

Hello, New York.

Hey, isn't our city amazing?

You can't walk down this park without watching

a different ethnic group trying to sell you marijuana.

Black guys, now, they sell you marijuana with rhythm.

Got that herb, y'all.

[LAUGHTER]

Like once in a while, you get a poem, yo,

I got herb here that'll make you swerve,

smoke that'll make you choke.

Well, my grass will bust your motherfucking ass.

Hey, I've even seen Jewish marijuana dealers.

So what do you mean it's not an ounce?

That's an ounce.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING]

Oh, all of a sudden, I'm a croaker

at the A, Mr. Fancy Schmancy, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Rastafarians, every man spliff joint the size of Madrid

laughs.

[LAUGHTER]

Check it out, man.

Puerto Ricans, boy, they sell marijuana cautiously,

hide behind the bushes.

No, don't give me the money, man.

Don't give me the money.

[LAUGHTER]

No, don't give it to me, give it to him.

Oh, shit.

Geraldo Rivera, he got a camera.

[LAUGHTER]

Can't talk about New York unless you talk about the gay folks.

Oh, we got them here.

I know there's one or two here them straight gays,

guys with suits and ties.

Hi, I'm Bill.

I'm a homosexual.

[LAUGHTER]

I own a company.

I'm writing a book on how to get ahead.

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

Young Black gay guys, boy, they be advertising it.

That's right, honey.

That's right, Miss Thing, and I love it.

All night long, girlfriend.

Puerto Rican gays, oi!

He's so cute!

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

I want to know his name.

Do you know how to hustle?

[WORDLESS SINGING] Bah.

White gay guys, I am so pissed.

[LAUGHTER]

Fill Up is so insensitive, he really is.

Seems like everybody in New York got an attitude,

even the winos are hostile.

Come here, you son of a bitch.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, you, give me a quarter.

I cleaned your windshield.

Want me to do it again?

[RASPBERRY] It's different out in LA.

Boy, I was out there for a while.

LA winos are like, yo, dude.

You have a hundred dollars for a bottle of Dom Perignon?

[LAUGHTER]

Even the pigeons are weird.

They sit in full lotus positions.

They meditate.

I totally don't know if I'm going to fly.

[LAUGHTER]

I know it's a bitchin' day, but gag me with a bread stick.

Boston pigeons, they're educated.

Smelly?

[LAUGHTER]

Still working on that thesis?

Merci, thought I'd take the day-off,

go for a flight in the calm, and then crap on a statue or two.

Pigeons in New York, boy, these motherfuckers

look like they're on heroin.

Their feathers are frayed.

Their wings are broken.

They're in the park.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, Bobby, seen the bread man?

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, the old guy with the bread, you seen him?

Hope he didn't die on us.

Where are you going to be, in a tree?

You can fly?

What do you want, croutons?

Yeah, I'll talk to you later.

I'll be under the bench.

Prr.

I hate pigeons.

Well, I'd like to catch a pigeon and shit on it just once.

Fly now, motherfucker man.

[LAUGHTER]

New York, boy, I know there's-- how many-- oh,

we ain't got no real whiteys here.

You know who you are.

Real whiteys, you can't hang out with Blacks and Puerto Ricans.

You get nervous.

Margaret, let's get the fuck out of here.

Come on.

[LAUGHTER]

Come on, the niggers on drugs.

Let's go.

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERING]

Thank you very much.

What a great crowd.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Once upon a time, in a ghetto far,

far away, there lived a tribe of suburban refugees,

drawn to the big city in search of fame, fortune, and fun.

Self-exiled from the American 9:00 to 5:00,

two-car family living comforts, they

migrated to the nocturnal bohemian

world of downtown Manhattan's misfitted Lower East Side.

At a time when the Bee Gees were at the top of the charts,

these young pioneers boldly went where

no white man had gone before--

Avenue B, Avenue C, Avenue D, Spanish Harlem, and beyond.

This was the final frontier, my little friends.

And so these not so young anymore hopefuls

continued their struggle until success

would come to collect them.

How were they to envision the future

that the unwritten prophecy that foretold

of annual incomes of $100,000 or more, of tax audits

and financial planners that would beget mutual fund

portfolios.

Tax deductible IRAs, Jenny Mays, Ellie Mays, Daisy Mays,

CD interest rates of less than 5%,

personal managers, safe investments,

insurance premiums, residual checks,

Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, Tonys, Buffy's,

Jodi's, rampant jealousies, nurtured

dissent, litigious natures, cat scratch fever, and court orders

to cease and desist!

[SCOFFS] Oh, yes.

Yes, my old friend, come.

Come to me.

The channels kept changing.

And-- and the reruns kept running.

And the leftovers were reheated and eaten.

But-- but what was once for the few was now for the many.

And-- and they finally realized that their 15 minutes we're up.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

[WORDLESS SINGING]

[THUMPING]

[BIRD CHIRPING]

[SCREAMING]

[TRAIN CHUGGING]

[JOHNNY PACHECO, "FIGHT MY COCK"]

[TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[CHATTER]

[MELLOW MUSIC]

[CAR HONKING]

[CHATTER]

[NON-ENGLISH CONVERSATION]

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

[NON-ENGLISH CONVERSATION]

[THUNDER CRACKS]

[SEXY MUSIC]

[EERIE MUSIC]

This is a poem celebrating the realization

that poems aren't going to change anything.

I'm still writing anyways.

But they ain't going to change this mean, crazy,

fucked up and down world of shit and more shit.

Now, on the brighter side of the landscape,

we have, of course, the prospect that this poem

will become an active member of the curriculum of eighth grade

English classes.

And when the teacher says my name,

everyone will smile real pretty and say that I was a good guy.

Man, I could change this world if these assholes gave me

a chance.

Everything starts out small, see?

But I ain't going to stay small.

Like if you're reading this here piece of shit now,

I'm making progress.

Ain't I?

And even if you decide to wipe your ass with this work of art,

man, I'm glad to be of service.

That's why I'm here.

Look, the poet uses words like you

use spit or Vaseline or Crisco.

So I rub these words on a page.

And you slowly take them in.

It's quite literally getting fucked by letters.

The vowels and the smaller shafted consonants

are fairly easy to take even for the more tight-assed

amongst you, while other bigger, wider consonants require,

in some cases, the use of drugs and poppers.

Feeling it inside yet, huh?

This hot, wet, sloppy, slimy, scummy, suckable poem

slipped into a prophylactic with a French tickler made

of razor blades, being jammed up your asshole,

and you stop fighting.

And we're almost enjoying it until this mad man decided

to piss up your ass.

And you began to taste it.

And it came out your mouth.

And then he started kissing you, setting up

a cycle to keep it flowing forever and ever and ever

and ever.

The poet fucking the reader.

The poet pissing in the reader's mouth,

kissing and drinking his own words.

He gets more turned on.

You get hotter, and the scene gets wilder.

The dog's still horny for more.

The poet is rapist, looking to get into something,

will hurt you if necessary.

So just cooperate and you'll be better off.

I want you to look at this fucking poem.

Lick it.

Look at it again real long, huh?

Now, go ahead and relax and see how easy it is the second time.

Go ahead.

Good, good, I told you.

I'm glad to be of service.

[CHATTER]

[SIRENS WAILING]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[BELLS RINGING]

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[BELLS RINGING]

[FLUTTERING]

[NON-ENGLISH SINGING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[TINKLING MUSIC]

[JOEY ARIAS, "HARD DAY'S NIGHT]

It's been a hard day's night, I've been working like a dog.

It's been a hard day's night.

I should be sleeping like a log.

When I get home to you, I find the things

that you do will make you feel all right.

You know I work all day to get you money to buy you things.

And it was yesterday he said, I'll give you everything.

Because when I get you alone, when I get you home,

you know I feel OK.

When I'm cold, baby, you're holding me tight.

When I'm home, baby, you're holding me tight, tight.

Been a hard day's night, I've been working like a dog.

It's been a hard day's night, I should be sleeping like a log.

But when I get home to you, I find the things

that you do will make me feel all right.

Take me, baby.

[CHEERING]

Because when I get you at home, when I get you alone,

you know I feel OK.

When I'm home, baby, you're holding me tight.

Yeah, baby.

When I'm home, baby, you're holding me tight, tight.

Been a hard day's night.

[CHEERING]

I've been working like a dog.

It's been a hard day's night, you

know I should be sleeping like a log.

Because when I get home to you, I

find the things that you do will make me feel all--

All right.

You know I feel all--

All right.

You know I feel all right, yeah.

(SPEAKING) Listen to me, baby.

Shut up.

Come on, just shut the fuck up right now.

(SINGING) You make me feel all right.

[CHEERING]

I hate yellow!

I hate all your pastel shirts!

I hate your pastel clothes!

And you come into my neighborhood

with those fancy teeth of yours, oh,

just grinning in my neighborhood,

just looking at my buildings, looking how you can buy them

and making it into some buxom commodity.

Oh, I know!

Don't you know that the only time I'm happy

is when I'm depressed?

Oh, don't you know I'm only happy wearing dark clothes?

I'm a creature of the night.

I tell you, Mr. Entrepreneur, you

are the reason why David's cookies

is a symbol of our culture!

Oh, you are the reason why fast food is the only growth

industry of my nation!

Oh, I'm going to give it to you in all your pastel ways!

Oh, I tell you, I hate yellow.

[SEXY MUSIC]

[CHEERING]

[THUMPING]

[RUSTLING]

Wow.

[CHEERING]

Do you like my curls?

I like them.

Yeah!

I like this one with the little bunny, the little baby bunny.

[SEXY MUSIC]

[CHEERING]

This is-- this is art, buddy.

[SEXY MUSIC]

So I don't have any more times for fun or games.

Oh, I have no more money for sex or drugs.

Also, I took too many sleeping pills, baby,

and nothing happened.

Oh, so I put my head in the oven and nothing happened.

Oh, so I put a gun to my head, baby.

Nothing happened.

Oh, so I fucked you all night long and nothing happened.

Oh, so I went to college and nothing happened.

I also went on a diet and nothing happened.

Oh, so I became macrobiotic and nothing happened.

Oh, so I went to college and nothing happened.

And I never paid back that student loan

because nothing happened.

[CHEERING]

Oh, so I went out, I went out, I went out

to the tunnel, baby, and nothing happened.

I went to Nell's.

I went to the Palladium and nothing happened.

I went out to Soho and nothing happened.

Oh, I put out some roach motels and nothing happened.

I voted for Jesse Jackson.

Oh, I'm going to terrorize.

I'm going to petition because something,

because there's something, because there's--

[LAUGHS] because something's going to happen, Mr. Yuppie.

I'm not going to let you gang rape me anymore,

Mr. Entrepreneur.

Oooh, no, oh, no.

You just looking at me and thinking

how you can make another deal.

You just looking at me and thinking how you

can make another piece of cash.

Oh, so I just take you and put you on the street.

And I just tie you up, tie you up, make your feel blessed.

You're Oscar de la Renta, Jeffrey Bean,

you're Macy's, you're Bloomingdale's, you're CDs,

you're Quiz.

And as I ruin you in it--

I'll ruin you in it, boy.

And you know what?

You are loving it.

You're just loving it.

You're just loving it.

And then I just tie you up more.

And I roll you down Avenue B. And I

take that tongue of yours.

[CHEERING]

I take that tongue of yours, and I drag it down B.

And I let it pick up the piss and shit at me.

Oh, I let it piss up all your piss.

And piss it, baby.

Piss it, baby.

Oh, I'm letting you piss in your pants.

And I'll piss on you, you warm little motherfucker.

And you just look up to me.

You just look up to me.

And you just say, where's the graffiti on this?

And I say, boy, it's up your ass.

And you just say, that's why I work 9:00 to 5:00,

just so I can have a little bit of this creative experience.

Oh, I've got the revenge going.

And then I just leave you on the corner.

And I steal your BMW because I know nothing's going to happen.

Oh, no, nothing's going to happen with you, boy.

Oh, and then I just take your ass.

And I stuff it with all your passed out shirts.

I stuff it with your sushi, your novel cuisine, your walk band.

Oh, and I go down to Wall Street.

Oh, I go into the Stock Exchange.

And I cut off your balls.

You don't miss your balls.

Oh, you got too busy fucking me with everything else you got.

Oh, you're too busy fucking me with everything else you got.

Oh, you don't bleed.

Only dollar signs come out of you.

Ooh, oh, you're so greedy.

You're so greedy, you don't even give a nickel for that.

Trump adores him.

Oh, you don't know passion.

You don't know need.

You don't know peace.

Oh, what the fuck is going on?

What the fuck?

What the fuck is the fuck is going on?

And then I take your balls.

And I'll put them into a basket.

Oh, they are small, little, little, little balls.

Oh, they are a little, little little, scrotum.

Oh, little testicles.

And I boil them in my basket.

I boil them on my stove till they plump, plump up.

Oh, I love to put those balls in my mouth like some squirrel.

[SLURPING] Oh, it gets me so excited!

And I take those balls.

Oh, and I roll them in my dung because I'm

the misses of the dung dynasty.

Oh, and then I take those balls after they've been in dung.

And I roll them in some Hershey's.

Oh, and then I roll him in some fancy tinfoil paper.

Oh, and then I go selling for gourmet chocolate

shops at Godiva and stuff for $50 a pound.

Oh, I love to do that.

And I love to see your sons, who are nine years old,

who only talk through their computers, who only know

the things that are visible.

Baby, I want to give you something that's invisible,

you motherfucker!

I'm going to give you some of that invisibility.

Oh, and I see your daddy's crunching on,

eating their chocolate testicles.

Oh, I love that revenge.

Oh, I love, I love, I love, I love that revenge.

Oh, Jesus, why don't you appear to me now, Lord?

Oh, why don't you appear to me, Lord?

Oh, whatever happened to the Easter Bunny?

Oh, whatever happened to the tooth fairy?

Oh, whatever happened to anyone?

Dead girl?

Ha-ha-ha.

Dead girl.

Ha-ha-ha.

Dead girl.

Ha-ha-ha.

Dead girl.

Ha-ha-ha.

Ooh, I live in a dead-end world.

I live a dead-end culture.

Oh, I've got dead-end times.

I've got a dead-end job.

Oh, I've got a dead-end future for my kids.

I know, I know, I know, I know it's

a long, long dead-end road, huh?

Oh, it's a long, long dead-end road.

Oh, it's a long, long dead-end road, huh?

It's a long, long dead-end road.

Thank you.

[CHEERING]

[JOHN SEX, "HUSTLE WITH MY MUSCLE"]

Oh, I'm glad they sent you over.

Oh, honey.

You look as good as a government check.

I heard you, so pleasing/ And baby, oh, I need pleasing.

You a big fine, healthy man.

Peel that banana.

Get to work.

I want to sit in that saddle and-- oh--

Go round and-- oh, shit--

Round and let me chuck it, I said.

Let me get my dogs on the head of that.

This brown thing will make me break myself.

Oh.

Oh!

Oh.

Now, I know why they call you the ruler.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

(SINGING) Your heart beats like a virgin tonight.

You'll ride the pig till the morning light.

You're my bitch in the kitchen, a whore in bed.

Save your fine mouth when you're giving me head.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, whoa!

Hustle with my muscle.

Hustle with my muscle.

Can you handle the man below my belt?

Hustle with my muscle.

Hustle with my muscle.

Girl, I got the most I think you ever felt. Ha!

Hustle with my muscle.

Hustle with my muscle.

Hustle with my muscle.

Hustle with my muscle.

I've been with queens.

Uh-huh.

I've been with whores.

I bet.

I'll make you pussy jump out your doors.

Oh, whoa!

Move your ass, girl, and roll your big fat belly!

Shimmy!

I'll grab a box till it's good and smelly.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, whoa!

Do the hustle!

You ready for an instant replay?

Whoa!

Honey, you came to the right place.

We're going to lick you in the front and poke you in the back.

Oh!

I hope you brought your boots and shoes because, baby, Oh!

You're going to be here a while.

Woo!

I ain't leaving this bed till my Griffin stop gripping.

And my dogs and puppet stopped waiting.

Woo!

Let my puppies bare it.

You long, weeny, kitty, scraping, super stud sex crate.

Oh!

Get it!

Get it!

Get it!

[HARMONIZING] Mondo, New York.

[HARMONIZING] Mondo, New York.

Yeah.

(SINGING) Every night is Halloween.

And every day is a April Fool, where the darkness never ends.

And there cannot be any rules.

[HARMONIZING] Mondo, New York.

[HARMONIZING] Mondo, New York.

Yeah.

(SINGING) Every night is Halloween.

And every day is April Fool, where the darkness never ends.

And there cannot be any rules.

In--

[HARMONIZING] Mondo, New York.

Wow.

[HARMONIZING]

[CHATTER]

In this town, you can get it faster and more of it.

I mean, I've been working ever since the first day I arrived.

But I'm going to quit soon.

I got big plans, baby--

Big plans.

[FOOTSTEPS]

I love New York because there's money here.

Yeah, you bet.

Anything can happen here in New York.

Right.

[CHUCKLES]

[FOOTSTEPS]

I love New York because it's alive 24 hours.

I meet people from all over the world here.

And it doesn't matter whether you're rich or poor.

There's always somebody willing to help you.

[MANITOBA'S WILD KINGDOM, "NEW YORK, NEW YORK"]

Smoking marijuana, watching Channel 5,

got to get my strength up in this struggle to survive.

Everyone's an asshole.

Everyone's a creep.

I look out my window, there's garbage in the streets.

I live in the city.

I breathe dirty air.

I ride trains with negroes, junkies, fags, and squares.

New York, New York.

[CHEERING]

New York, New York.

New York, New York.

New York, New York.

[DEAN AND THE WEENIES, "FUCK YOU"]

Why are you staring at me?

When I look back at you, I don't like what I see.

Your lack of character shows.

I hate your clothes.

And you got something disgusting hanging out of your nose.

Why are you talking to me?

Please leave immediately.

Where is your dignity?

Please get away from me.

Why don't you choke on a fashion accessory?

I cannot remember your name.

And I could not care less.

I could have more fun talking to the IRS.

Why don't you take your problems to analysis?

Take your foot out of your mouth and suck on this.

Fuck you!

Everybody now--

Fuck--

--the telephone company.

Fuck--

--national security.

Fuck--

--the prime interest rate.

Fuck--

--the Secretary of State.

Fuck--

--Union Carbide.

Fuck--

--Third World genocide.

Fuck--

--thermonuclear war.

Fuck--

--Mary Tyler Moore!

Fuck you.

So go tell it to the judge because I don't care.

You'd look cooler if you were Frigidaire, got lost,

eat shit, drop dead, go screw.

We're in big trouble, baby.

And the trouble is you.

Fuck you!

Oh!

This is art, buddy.

["MONDO THEME II" PLAYING]