Original subtitles

Gentlemen. Major Rav.

First contact has been made and it isn't pretty.

Now we've got a sweet young couple locked up down the hall.

Totally normal except they're playing host to a couple mean sonsabitches.

Now, that is a photo of the creature in it's natural state.

It's blurry but you can make out the general shape of it.

I can make out that it's ugly, that's for damn sure.

This the best your boys could come up with?

My boys captured them alive while yours were out shooting civilians, Sir.

Now that we have them under observation, there'll be a complete biological

and intellectual profile within the next twenty four hours.

This is not a scientific project here Mallory.

This thing has killed ten people already.

Now you should be concentrating on one thing...

what makes them die?

What about lack of oxygen to the brain?

Speaking of which I'd like to introduce my two associates,

Lieutenant LeBeau and Lieutenant Vint.

Fine men I'm proud to be associated with both of 'em.

Lt. Vint do you have anything to add?

No, it's all in my report.

We followed a trail of possible sightings to the Haight Ashbury District.

While identifying abnormal behavior is, particularly difficult in this area,

we ID'd the perps when a uniform witnessed them overtaking the couple in Golden Gate Park.

Backup was called in and we took them out with tasers.

I got one of 'em.

Thank you Lieutenant.

Alright. Once the medical teams arrive,

we'll dope 'em up, give 'em what ever medical tests they need and hand 'em over to the military.

Now very important, we have three levels of security...

Now yawl can have as many levels of security as you want.

But you better hold on to those two.

Now they should be in military quarantine not some jerry rig chicken coup.

As of Sunday they will be.

That comes from the President.

♪ ♪

What's the matter?

Gotta piss big time.

Make it quick.

All the posts are on alert until Colonel's gone

♪ ♪

Sometimes a good piss is better than gettin laid.

It sounded enjoyable.

Are you hungry?

Yeah!

Have that babe with the nice cones whip me up a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

I'll be right back.

Yeah and hurry up.

These two wackos give me the creeps.

What do you want pretty boy?

Peanut butter and banana sandwich.

Forget about it, I just punched out.

Please?

I am very hungry.

Fuck off!

Goodnight Connie.

Fuck off!

♪ ♪

Dammit! Connie, slow down!

Good morning.

♪ ♪

♪ Hey girl crashing through life, you're a runaway car ♪

♪ Hey girl blinding the boys, you're a shinning star ♪

♪ Hey girl turn up the heat, a little bit higher ♪

♪ Hey girl burn up the night, you're a house on fire ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪

♪ Hey girl painting the sky, you're a red tail hawk ♪

♪ Hey girl you always flew, why rather walk ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been screaming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone, no one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl I'm still the same ♪

♪ Hey girl, been screaming strange ♪

♪ Hey girl so all alone, ♪

♪ no one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪

♪ ♪

What do you think of this one?

Looks great.

Uh, awe, maybe it's a little too tight. What do you think?

Long as you're comfortable.

Excuse me? I didn't ask if I was comfortable.

I asked how it looked.

You know what? It looks like your daughter should be wearing it.

Can you say rude, beyond recognition?

Definitely due for an attitude check.

Amanda, your numbers are never going to go up

if you keep blowing off the big spenders.

Aren't you already on probation?

Ugh, who cares? I'm only gonna work here for a few more weeks anyways.

You're not gonna work throughout the fall quarter?

What? Do you want to live with your parents the rest of your life?

Well, I mean they barely even live there.

Alright girls, weekend update?

Okay! Tonight taking Dave to BB's party. Rave with Jason tomorrow night.

Is Jason the one you're doing?

No, that's Dave. Jason's cut off due to his being a flagrant asshole.

- You? - BB's party tonight with Sam and poetry slam with Tony tomorrow.

Ahhh!

And the shy and retiring Amanda?

Are you going to BB's party too?

- Shonda? - Oh. Sorry.

Hey don't feel sorry for me. I wouldn't be caught dead at BB's bullshit party.

Besides, Charlie said he was gonna call me tonight,

we'll probably just go see a movie or something.

Charlie?

- I thought you dumped him? - Again?

Well, we kinda got back together.

Ugh, geez Amanda, the guy's a swinging dick.

He treats you like shit.

Honey, if you're that desperate why don't I set you up with somebody...

It's not your problem alright, so just back off.

Hi sweetie, your dad and I will be in Napa for the weekend.

Hope to see you one of these days.

Try to be in by 2:00 and no parties at the house.

Kiss, kiss!

Yeah?

Hey, hey now baby doll. What's the haps?

Hi!

What time are you gonna come pick me up tonight?

Ah, no can do babe. My cousins in town from Alabama and uh,

she wants me to take her to Tahoe for the weekend.

We're leaving tonight.

And that cousin wouldn't be the same hillbilly tramp that you spent my birthday with would it?

Hey now, come on. She's family, how could I say no huh?

Easy, you say fuck off you little tramp.

Hey hey hey, come on, chill out alright.

I'll be home Sunday night and uh, if I get home early enough maybe we can get together.

No thanks babe, I'm not in to sloppy seconds.

Whatever creature engulfed those people is still in that lake.

And it's gonna take more then dynamite to get it out.

Spearheading the search for the missing alien

is Colonel Evan Rosencrans of the United States Air Force.

Who says that catching the creature dead or alive is his highest priority.

For all we know, this might only be the beginning.

To be able to defeat this menace,

we must get a specimen into the hands of our weapons design specialists.

They will take the creature apart,

little by little,

bit by bit,

until we understand every teeny little bit of the anatomy.

Then we will be able to find a weakness in which...

♪ ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ And I don't have what it takes to please you ♪

♪ I've been trying to write you a letter ♪

♪ I've been trying for two or three years ♪

♪ Maybe I could just say it better ♪

♪ Practice some in front of a mirror here oh ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ And I don't have what it takes ♪

- Hi Amanda. - Hi.

Hey, JoJo.

The night howls.

Like you and I lost in some deep...

interpersonal, interstellar imitation of intimacy...

Thanks!

What does this song say to you?

Touch me and you'll pull back a stump.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

What does this song say to you?

Touch me and you'll pull back a stump.

Anyone sitting here?

What does it look like?

So, do you come here often?

Sure.

Everyday.

I've never seen you here before.

Isn't that hot?

Yes.

Ow!

You're doing it all wrong.

What?

The human thing, you've got it all wrong.

Fuck off!

See, that's better but you're still in real trouble.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hey look, I'm just trying to help okay?

I mean I feel sorry for you. I think you got a raw deal.

Do you even know what that means, raw deal?

Of course.

You know, I could teach you a few things about passing for human, if I wanted to.

I think you have me confused for someone else.

Suit yourself oh thing from beyond the stars.

Let 'em lock you up again.

Yeah, let 'em stick electrodes up your ass.

Can't say that I didn't try to help you.

Hello.

Hi.

How could you tell?

Easy.

Too many clothes for September.

We have indian summer around here.

And your hair and makeup, they're a total disaster, even for this place.

And the sounds coming from that guy over there, it's the latest thing, it's called music.

Do you want me to go on.

That's impossible.

- I probe this human's data banks extensively, I... - You probed dick okay.

I mean it looks as though you've heard a description of a human being

but you've never actually seen one.

I could destroy you.

Oh please, go right ahead.

Engulf me right here in the middle of Cafe Retro and walk away as the new Amanda.

Come on, what good is that gonna do you?

And you know, the next person that notices you, they probably won't be as understanding as me.

So, basically there's really no point in destroying me unless you're a total idiot.

And you're not a total idiot, are you?

Do you know that half of California is out looking for you?

Look at this.

This is not good.

They are out there with stun guns and flame throwers

and tactical nuclear weapons looking for you.

And you, you're going around leaving flesh marks on coffee cups.

Come on where are you going?

I must get to the rendezvous point.

Yeah well you're not even gonna get outta town looking like that.

So where is this rendezvous?

Why should I tell you? You think I'm stupid?

Like I care?

You know if I was gonna turn you in I woulda already done it.

Okay, but if you're trying to trick me, I will consume you.

Beautiful. My car's just right outside.

Some people are so hard to help.

Mm hmm.

Is that ham and cheese?

What the fuck is it to you?

Well, all the staff is accounted for except for these two.

There's Clark the guard and Flores the cook.

So he used the guard to get to the cook?

- Mm hmm. - What's her twenty?

Unknown. She never went home.

She drives a gold, 1978 Trans Am. I mean it's fuckin hard to miss.

A friend of hers says he spotted it in the mission.

- Is he reliable? - No.

Doesn't matter.

Call the plates on what ever station you can find within a hundred miles.

If we don't find her by morning, she could be anywhere or anyone.

Well, this is the place.

Hey take it easy.

She's just a cat. a normal everyday, household, pet okay?

She's completely harmless, she's just a little suspicious of strangers.

Don't you guys have anything like cats on your planet?

We had small animals once.

They were unnecessary.

Well, excuse me.

Where is your stupid planet anyways?

Is this a typical earthian home?

Yeah for around here, I guess.

See this is like a neighborhood where families live.

But if you go over the hill, that's downtown

and then more people live there closer together.

I'll take you there if you want.

Phew. You need a shower.

You mean rain?

No, I mean like body cleaning activities.

See, we earthlings we like to wash a lot. It's really considered bad form to stink.

Come on I'll show you.

Well, come on.

Look, if you don't want to get caught you're gonna have to do what I say.

So, whose body is this anyways?

She worked in the kitchen.

Well do you know her name?

Flores, Connie.

Oh, it's probably the other way around, Connie Flores.

So, I'll just call you Connie unless you wanna tell me your real name?

Connie will do.

Get in.

And must pull the knob right there to turn it on.

It's okay, it's supposed to feel like that.

Now, Connie listen up okay?

You gotta get your body all wet and then just soap it up all over and then rinse off.

And then you're gonna get out and dry yourself off and put clean clothes on.

Well go ahead, get started.

I, I don't understand.

Well it's not rocket science. Just pick up the soap. Do you see the soap?

Show me.

Oh, I don't think so.

Why not?

Well because I mean it's weird for me to get into the shower with another girl.

I don't understand?

♪ ♪

Okay, now the first thing we're gonna have to do is get you a new body.

Now lift up your arm and wash under there.

No problem

Oh no, it is a problem because killing humans is bad.

Well most humans but that's what got you into trouble.

Okay, now take the soap and lather up all over.

Like this? Yeah.

Now, wash down there.

Here?

No, down there between your legs.

Why?

Because it will keep you feeling fresh and free all day.

Now you finish up and I'm gonna go get you some clothes.

You can get out now.

I want to feel fresh and free.

Well you can take another shower later but it's time to put your clothes on now.

Well see, I washed it and I tried to dry it in the microwave.

So I think it shrunk a little bit.

Is this necessary?

With tits like yours, are you kidding me?

You should be happy. Compared to you, I have the body of a twelve year old boy.

Forget it it's not gonna work.

Here put this on.

Want one?

I don't eat that.

What kind of things do you eat?

We never eat dead things.

Only things with life.

Anything with life?

Human life is perfect.

We can consume animal life but it's far less satisfying.

And when exactly are you gonna be hungry again?

Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.

The hunger comes very suddenly when it comes.

Okay, well there's not much around here that you can eat that's living

but I guess I'll try to come up with something.

- The small fury animal? - No!

No no no no no! My cat is not available for dinner, okay?

So just get that thought right outta your head.

Or me.

Look, I am the only person you can trust so It would absolutely be stupid of you to eat me okay?

Do you understand?

Like I said, I'm not hungry yet.

Okay, well you just let me know when those pains kick in and I'll try to find you something.

Why did your people come here anyway?

It was our mission.

Yeah yeah yeah, I mean but what are you after?

I mean, you know, you guys like tryna take over our planet?

Or like try to seal some scientific secrets or something?

Or is it that you guys are trying to keep us from going in to outer space?

Come on, you can tell me. I'm not like some government spy or anything.

Hey, are you alright?

Yes!

But I'd like to take another shower.

What are these?

Those are spices and why do they make you wanna take another shower?

Mmm, this one is very interesting.

Paprika.

Yeah that'll make you fly.

Hey, look, take it easy alright.

I don't know if your metabolism can handle this stuff.

- I wan't some more. - No! I don't want you to O.D.

- More! - Look! Knock it off.

Ya know, touching yourself in public is not proper human behavior.

Now, maybe you can have some paprika later okay? Come on.

Oh now, you're shaking. Come on.

Okay just sit down and try to relax for a while okay?

More please?

I appreciate your politeness, that's good.

But seriously, we've got some important things to discuss here.

Go ahead.

Okay, well first of all we're gonna have to find you a new body.

I mean obviously the police out searching for that girl you absorbed.

Besides, girls get hassled way more than guys.

Hassled?

Yeah, it's so much easier being a guy.

I mean the just go around, keep to themselves, act all tough

and everybody basically leaves them alone.

I understand.

Let's find a new body, I'm starting to get hungry now.

Okay, we can go clubbing?

Oh, there's plenty of guys out looking for a good time.

We'll find you a real stud muffin.

Yes! A stud muffin.

Okay, so that takes care of your body problem and your hunger problem.

Then we can just have some fun right?

Right!

Now I'd like some more paprika please.

Later. I mean I don't know, if you eat too much of this stuff you might go nuts or something.

Do you understand?

There's much to understand.

Yeah, well you're on a strange planet.

I mean what did you think it was just gonna be like...

What was that?

That's a communications device. God, don't be so jumpy. You're safe here.

But I'll be right back.

Yeah?

Hey baby, hows the weekend so far?

Oh just raging, thanks to you Chucky.

Come on, don't call me that.

Listen, doll, I uh, left a box of CD's to your place

and I thought I could get 'em in about thirty?

Oh and could I get you anything else?

Ah! That all depends, what'd you have in mind?

You know Charlie, it just so happens that I'm going away for the weekend myself.

But I have a friend who's cat sitting for me and I'll just leave the CD's with her, okay?

Her name's Connie.

Is she a babe?

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

You know one day that one track mind of yours is really gonna get you into trouble.

Yeah right. Hey, come here.

I've arranged for the delivery of your next body.

That's good, I'm very hungry.

Well he's a large, healthy, adolescent male. He's perfect.

So how long is this engulfing thing gonna take?

Oh it's very fast.

Does it hurt?

We cut off the nervous system to avoid any unpleasantness.

- Then we take over the brain... - Thanks, Connie I'm sure it's a beautiful thing.

Frankly, it makes me sick.

He's gonna come over to pick up these music storage devices okay?

So when the doorbell rings, just open it and introduce yourself.

I mean you're on your own from there. Do you think you can handle it?

Yes. Okay.

Here.

Okay, fix your top. Ya know, make your boobs stick out more.

Yeah, that'll totally distract him.

Now he might try to make a pass at you okay, which could make things easier. I don't know.

Oh, one more thing...

what happens to this body after you engulf him?

Oh it won't be here anymore.

How convenient.

You are a real nightmare. You know that?

A walking horror show.

Here, have some paprika before I go. You know to get your juices flowing.

Now I'll be back in half an hour.

Where you going?

Honey, I puke when I give blood. This isn't something I wanna watch.

♪ ♪

Hi!

Hello, uh, you would be Connie.

Come in.

I've been expecting you.

♪ She was seventeen goin' on fifty ♪

Here are the music storage devices you were looking for.

What's the hurry? Come on we got the rest of our lives ahead of us.

No, we only have half an hour.

Well, a lot can happen in a half an hour.

How much did Amanda tell you about me?

She told me that you were a healthy, adolescent male.

And are you uh, disappointed?

Not at all.

You're exactly what I need.

Hmm...

Um, does this feel good to you?

Touch me down here.

♪ I'll show you I'm a lover ♪

♪ She locked the door behind me, she lit a candle ♪

♪ Then blew it out, said, the moon would do just fine ♪

♪ The Lizard King and T. Rex for wallpaper ♪

♪ Above her bed hung a no parking sign ♪

♪ She asked me if I liked her decorator ♪

♪ As she stripped behind a wall of raining beads ♪

♪ I woke up with a pillow and her diary ♪

♪ She took a bath as I began to read ♪

♪ And she said, Let's go to my room, I'll show you my posters ♪

♪ Let's go to my room, baby, I'll show you I'm a lover ♪

♪ Let's go to my room, I'll show you my posters ♪

♪ Let's go to my room, baby, I'll show you I'm a lover ♪

Do it some more.

Oh, baby you're incredible but that's gonna have to do.

But I'm not finished yet.

Well, I am.

Sorry JoJo but I gotta go.

♪ ♪

Connie?

Charlie?

Charlie's not here.

Here are your clothes.

Thanks.

So how'd it go?

It was easy, I didn't like him.

Was it quick at least?

Uh, which part? The engulfing or the other part?

Did he fuck you?

Yes! But not very well.

What like three minutes of action and then snoring like a moose?

Two minutes and twenty two seconds.

Yup, that's Charlie.

Ya know, not a woman on this planet is gonna miss him.

It feels good not to be hungry anymore.

You can't imagine how hard it was to resist engulfing you, Amanda.

For the past hour I've thought about nothing but eating.

Well, that was very kind of you to resist.

It's not logical to engulf ones allies.

Good, good I'm glad you finally understand that.

So you're all well fed right?

Well, shit, I mean did he taste any better than he fucked?

Yes.

Healthy and nourishing and robust.

I feel fresh and free.

So how long is it until you're hungry again?

One or two days.

Give me some more paprika Amanda.

Sure you earned it.

Okay. Eh, eh, eh.

I would like to engage in earth experiences now.

Okay, but if you do anything alien like, we are coming straight home.

♪ ♪

Low-fat cap... and?

A regular cap. Better make it decaf.

Chocolate or cinnamon?

Do you have paprika?

No, just cinnamon's fine. Thanks.

We do something like this at home.

Oh, so you do, do things for pleasure.

I thought you said you only do things when it's useful?

It's apart of our mating ritual.

Oh, well maybe we're not as different as you think we are.

What?

You seem different to me in this new body.

Oh my god, Charlie lives.

When you guys mate, do you do it because it's fun or because it's useful?

It's a part of sharing life for one you care for.

Hey Amanda.

I knew you'd be here.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

Hi, Jessica.

Hi, Dave.

Hi, Amanda.

Hey, Charlie I didn't know you were apart of the comedy coffee set?

Yes, I enjoy comedy coffee, Dave.

Well, we don't want to get to the party too early

because then we'll look like it's the only party we're going to.

And if we get there too late, everybody'll be plastered.

Hey what's the difference between a porsche and a porcupine?

With porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Pricks are on the outside, get it?

♪ ♪

Ugh, just get in.

No more spices for you.

Uh, vehicle found registered to a Connie Flores of San Francisco.

Stay here.

If anyone touches this car, shoot 'em.

What if it's a cop?

Especially if it's a cop.

♪ ♪

Sunshine.

I want a cup of coffee.

Take your pick.

Coffee, just-just coffee.

She come through here?

A lot of people come through here.

That'll be a buck.

Coffee's free for cops.

Anyone seen her?

Anyone know her?

Anyone done her?

Don't all rush me at the same time.

Is that a D-28?

Yeah.

Hey!

- I'm waiting. - Okay, okay.

She was in here earlier.

- When? - A couple hours ago.

She left with a regular.

Patterson, Amanda Patterson.

But I don't think she's with her anymore.

You a cop?

- No. - Then leave the detective work to the experts.

Don't hurt her, she's a good kid.

Hurt her?

We're here to protect and serve.

Thank you for your corporation.

I cannot believe you did that weird alien dance in front of all my friends.

I'm sorry, Amanda. I did not mean to cause you any distress.

It's not your fault.

It's just that, people who do dances like that, they usually end up in detox.

So, does your planet look like this one?

It's different.

Different how?

It's mostly liquid and plasma tubes.

That sounds very beautiful in an alien sorta way.

It's an appropriate surrounding when I'm in my natural state.

What is the purpose of this place?

Well it's a place where people take other people that they like.

I gotta go home.

I see. That looks very stimulating.

Yeah, but I don't know if I should teach you that.

Oh it's alright, I understand.

Where did that come from?

I learn very quickly.

We're going home.

♪ ♪

♪ Her hair, her face, her figure in your window ♪

♪ Her hands unlace your innermost ♪

♪ As you retrace your steps of her familiar ♪

♪ Her ghost appears with raven eyes ♪

♪ To dance ♪

♪ A love that never dies takes you by surprise ♪

That's my favorite one that I've done so far but I know it's pretty lame.

No, I find it quite interesting.

Well, the arts institute didn't.

They said I had no vision.

What kind of vision do a bunch of old farts with tenure have anyway?

I find the picture very beautiful to look at.

And I find you very beautiful to look at.

Well, finally somebody likes my work.

And he's from outer space.

Morning, sweetheart.

We're the Feds, can we come in?

Sure, make yourself at home.

Sit!

You seen this girl?

Maybe, I see a lot of girls.

Well you left Cafe Retro last night with that one.

We really wanna find her.

Well, I gave a girl a ride home yesterday from Cafe Retro

but I'd never seen her before that.

Yeah, I guess this could be a really shitty picture of her.

You don't say?

Well, we'll have to get on our photographic unit

and let them know that their work doesn't match up to the standards of one,

Amanda Patterson.

Where did you take her after that?

Uh, I brought her here and then someone else picked her up.

You took a perfect stranger home.

Amanda, do you watch the news?

People that do that usually get, um, decapitated.

Well, maybe I like to live dangerously.

Maybe you do.

So, this girl, who came to pick her up?

I didn't see.

You didn't see?

You weren't the least bit curious who came to pick this girl up?

Look, she was a total loser okay, a real closet case.

I really didn't care who picked her up.

She needed a favor and I felt sorry for her.

Well aren't you the angel of mercy.

Do you dish out food in soup kitchens also?

What about the boyfriend?

Of course I was gonna ask her about the boyfriend.

Idiot!

So, puddle kitten,

you and this Charlie Nobles, are you two boyfriend and girlfriend?

I really don't see how that's any of your business.

Well, we've got this little southern bell named Tina

who showed up last night and said that her cousin Charlie went to visit you last night

and disappeared.

Perhaps you could tell Tina, the little tramp,

that cousins aren't supposed to fuck west of the Mississippi.

Such foul language.

So, I don't suppose you know where we might find this, Charlie Nobles?

Right here.

What's the trouble?

No trouble, uh,

no problem, we're just checking up on a missing persons report.

Well as you can see he's not missing so uh...

Charlie, these two gentlemen are uh, federal officers.

Hi there, Charlie Nobles.

Please to meet you.

Well um, I guess that about covers it.

Thank you for your corporation.

- Oh are you sure you wouldn't like to join us for some coffee? - No, no.

If we have any further questions I'm sure we'll contact you.

Gotta wash my hands.

Well, at least they were cooperative.

- Shut up! - Ouch!

Obviously there's a few more things I still need to teach you.

Like what?

Well, like human men don't walk around naked in front of strangers.

Sorry.

It's alright, at least you got rid of 'em, in your own special way.

But you know they are gonna find out about this.

So you better get to your rendezvous.

Either go there by yourself or tell me so I can help you get there.

I would like you to go with me.

When do you have to be there?

Noon, tomorrow.

Okay, do I get to know where we're going?

To the city of Los Angeles.

To the sign that says, Hollywood.

We can take the backroads instead of the main highway.

It takes longer gut there's less traffic and less chance they'll spot us.

♪ ♪

Well it looks like we should get to Bakersfield by tonight.

We could just sleep there and head for L.A. in the morning.

I think you're gonna get there in plenty of time.

Are you even listening to me?

I'm sorry.

I was thinking of someone.

Who?

Someone like me.

Do you have like a girlfriend or something you didn't tell me about?

I have no one like you.

So what do you look like anyways?

In your alien body?

It might surprise you.

Okay, then forget it. I don't want to know.

I mean you know, you hear all this stuff about if you really love someone you know,

you don't care if they're like a hunchback or something but

I don't think I could handle sleeping with something that's non human.

The concept of love is not something that we have.

But if I understand it, I believe I love you Amanda.

Oh god, it's not supposed to happen like this.

What do you mean?

I don't know I mean,

you know, I just thought when I fell in love it was gonna be ya know,

with like a musician or an artist or someone really politically active or something.

Not an alien who lives off of human flesh.

I like your human flesh.

Wait wait, let me get something straight...

You two men are two of the top agents

in one of the most important intelligence operations on this planet.

Didn't you find it somewhat odd that the individual you were questioning

was stark fucking naked?

I would say yes. We found it very odd.

Well that's very promising Lieutenant.

Now did you recall the briefing in which you were told

that the key in spotting the alien was A typical behavior?

Sir, I don't think that was on our mind at the time.

And just what was on your mind Lieutenant?

Sir, when a man's johnson is staring you right in the face,

it's hard to think of anything else.

His johnson?

Yes, Sir, his johnson.

Move it, move it!

Ya!

Take it up. Take it up, take it up.

This is backtrace.

Yeah, give me that last call from this unit uh, four, O, two, five.

Eight, O, five. Five, five, five. O, six, seven, eight.

Howdy, thanks for calling the Bakersfield Bovine Hotel Resort,

may I help ya?

Ya just did.

Place is clean.

Alright good. Get me Edwards Air Force Base in Mojave.

Tell 'em to set up a command center for us and chopper as soon as possible.

- Yo! - Yo!

♪ ♪

Howdy.

Hi, you have a reservation for a Mr. and Mrs. James T. Kirk.

Uh, here you are city slickers.

The Gary Cooper room.

Look, there's only one way outta her okay?

So if they catch us in here tonight we're dead meat.

So you have got to keep your ears peeled.

How do I peel my ears?

It means you have to listen silly.

Eh hem, look what I found.

Yes, please.

Amanda I would really like some paprika right now.

Open wide.

That was only a little, I would like some more please?

- ETA on SWAT unit deployment? - Less than an hour.

Local law enforcement contained?

They're cooperating but they want to know more.

Fuck 'em, it's none of their business.

That's what I told 'em sir.

You did.

I'm impressed.

Well, Mallory,

it looks like those three levels of security were about affective as a one legged man

in an ass kicking contest.

Don't you have to be in a parade or something?

You justice wonder boys just love to freelance.

But when the shit hits the fan yawl can just disappear, we gotta clean up the mess.

Hey. Don't complain, it'll give you something to do when you're not on a peace keeping mission.

Oh you're swimming in it now boy.

Tomorrow this is gonna be a military operation.

And you can watch the rest of it on T.V.

Yeah, well a lot can happen between now and tomorrow.

Major Rav will have her troops ready just in case.

Carry on.

Alright,

All of our units have received their positioning orders.

We have a hundred percent containment in one mile radius.

Now in the unlikely event the containment fails,

additional posts have been established here by Colonel Gildenstern.

Rosencrans

Doesn't matter we're not going to need him.

What's the status of the target.

Target arrived more than one hour ago.

All indications are that they are in for the night.

♪ ♪

Would you relax. I just ordered us a little dinner.

I'm not hungry.

Good, then don't eat the waiter.

And would yo get back in bed.

You know I keep telling you it is not acceptable for human males to go around

swinging there thing in front of everybody.

Let's see, one bottle of champagne, one order of caviar.

I had to go to the store to get that, I hope you appreciate it.

One order of strawberries and you wanted the whole can of whipped cream right?

That's right.

Okay, well there it is.

And finally one order of chicken paprika.

That'll be $86.50.

Shall I put it on the room?

Yeah.

And while you're at it why don't you go ahead and um,

add an extra twenty bucks on there for yourself okay?

Yes Mam.

Oh and, wanna put that do not disturb sign on the door on our way out?

Yes mam.

Thank you.

May I swing my thing now?

Yeah go ahead.

Okay okay, slow down okay?

God we don't want you to O.D. on this.

♪ ♪

- Howdy. - Howdy.

You happen to see this charming young couple recently?

Well now we see a lot of couples in here.

Just checked in tonight.

Room number?

What'd they do?

If I tell ya, I'm gonna have to kill ya.

So I strongly suggest you just give me the room number.

Two, twenty two.

Put that away.

Hello?

You're gonna have a whole lotta company in about two minutes.

What police?

Police, SWAT, FBI, CIA, the national guard.

I think there's a couple of Boy Scouts out there too.

Wow thanks for the tip.

Just to ease my conscience, you two aren't like, mass murderers or anything are you?

No, not exactly.

There is only one thing we can do.

♪ ♪

Where is he?

I don't know what you're talking about.

He has killed over a dozen men and you are an accessory to murder.

That's what I'm talking about, now stop screwing around.

Drop your weapons or I will be forced to engulf this man.

Okay.

Okay, easy now.

Everyone, hold your positions.

We're all just gonna back outta here nice and slow.

Bullshit!

Sir?

Shoot her.

Shoot her.

And if she starts to take me, shoot me too.

- Sir? - That's an order!

Okay.

Good shot.

Alright now we gotta move. That tranquilizer will wear off in a few minutes.

Get her over to the quarantine truck and seal her up tight.

Look around the place, make sure there's no traces of the boyfriend left

and the two of you drive her back to the base.

I'll meet you after I personally tell Rosencrans to call off his men, you got it?

- Got it. - Yes, Sir.

Get back to the base. Mallory's waiting. We'll be right behind you.

Got it.

I'm sure glad that's over.

Yup, me too.

Too bad about that Amanda.

She was cute.

Yeah, very cute.

That's funny.

What?

Why are we on a dirt road?

Shortcut.

Why'd you stop?

I think one of the tires is flat.

Will you go have a look?

- Is that you? - Yes.

This is the road to Los Angeles.

Yeah but we gotta lose this truck.

Uh this is an update.

Target is no longer in containment.

Quarantine vehicle, location unknown.

All units return to Edwards for further instructions.

What the fuck!

Oh, okay pull in right there, right there and kill the lights.

Perfect.

So, how do you feel?

A human male feels very different from a human female.

But this male feels the same as Charlie.

Well almost the same.

Come on.

Hopefully this is where we could get a ride.

Now, this place is very different from any other place you've been

- so just let me do the talking okay? - Okay.

Coffee?

Do you guys have apple pie?

Made it myself this morning.

Well I'll take some of that apple pie with ice cream, okay?

Hi.

Hi.

Where you from?

Abilene.

- That in Florida? - No. Texas.

Oh. I'm a California girl myself.

You don't say.

Yeah, actually I'm from San Francisco but I'm heading to L.A.

- That right? - Yeah.

- I-I'm gonna be in pictures. - Hhmm.

I'm headed for L.A. myself.

I was hoping to get there in the morning ya know

but when you're hitchin, you just gotta go with the flow right?

So I figured I would just hang out here and

eat pie and drink coffee until the morning traffic picks up.

Uh huh.

Well, I can give ya a lift.

To L.A.?

Oh you don't think that I was trying to...

Oh no. Don't worry. No trouble at all.

Oh that'll be perfect.

And we can get there bright and early in the morning?

Yeah!

Honey!

Hey, Honey we got a ride.

I don't think I wanna know how you ended up out here.

- Well it's kind of a long... - Shut up!

Where's the other idiot?

- Who? - Vint?

In the truck.

What about her?

She's in the truck too.

Is she still in containment?

Well, ya see, she's not it.

What do you mean?

He's it.

- Who's it? - Vint's it.

Vint's what?

You know, it.

You mean, she's inside his body?

No, she was never it.

What do you mean she was never it?

- Now I'm confused. - Where's the truck now?

They went that way.

Okay Haas, I'll go get the posse.

Edwards this is Mallory.

- Rodger. - Yeah signal the quarantine vehicle.

Track the signal and get me the coordinates.

Stand by for coordinates and we'll call you back.

♪ ♪

Where y'all stay in L.A.?

At the sign that says Hollywood.

Actually we're uh, that's the first place we wanna visit

but we're gonna be staying with some friends.

You two just get married?

Yeah!

You gotta get her a ring son.

That's a good idea.

You uh, you ever been married Bubba?

Mmm hmm,

Four times.

Four times?

What happened?

Looking for love in all the wrong places I guess.

Aren't you gonna look inside?

There's not in there. They dumped it.

Come on.

♪ ♪

Coffee?

No, no. I don't think so.

You happen to see these two pass through here?

A lot of people pass through here.

Yeah, well they aren't wanted for murder.

They all look the same to me.

Thelma, I've had a very long night and I'm not in a very good mood.

Now unless I get just a little bit of help,

I'm gonna mess up your pitiful little grease pit.

We don't like to hear people talk to Thelma like that.

Maybe you owe her an apology.

Yeah, well maybe you and Jethro better mind your own business.

This here road goes north and south.

If the party you lookin for came from the north...

they went south.

On the other hand, if the party came from the south...

then they be headin north.

Frankly, I'm disappointed.

I'da thought you college educated types coulda figured that out for yourselves.

- Uh, Sir, Sir. - What?

We just got word from Edwards.

This better be good, what is it?

NASA just locate an unidentified radio signal being transmitted to coordinates about 75 miles

due south of here.

Alright, you get those coordinates to the chopper.

And you have as many units as you can meet us there by day break you got it?

Yeah, got it.

Get in the car.

♪ ♪

So are there more of you here?

One.

That one is no longer living.

Oh how do you know?

I can feel it.

That one was my mate.

Oh, how long were you guys you know, together?

Two hundred and seventy five years.

And was he your only mate?

We mate only one time.

Forever.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Those who embark on these missions know they may be dangerous.

But it is very important that I get back.

Okay, so you know, what is your mission?

Our planet is small and cannot support us.

We must seek out other planets which we can use for food.

What you came to earth to set up like a food farm?

Don't you guys have like a prime directive or something?

We came to earth to see if we could use it as a suitable source.

We do not wish to destroy intelligent life forms.

I must let my people know that earth is not a proper source for us.

What? So you'll just go to some other planet and start eating their people because they're not

as intelligent as you are?

What? Like that's any better?

We must eat to survive just like you.

I've seen farms where they raise animals for food.

You people are no different.

I think I'm gonna become a vegetarian.

Well I guess I better get you home right?

- By y'all. - Bye.

♪ ♪

Hit the pavement, both of you.

Okay, eat the road!

No!

Uugh!

Take me.

Take me.

Come on do it quickly and you can get to the park before they even realize it.

Come on this is your only chance.

I can't.

I love you.

But I don't care.

Don't you know the need of the many outweigh the needs of the few?

Come on, I saw this on Star Trek.

Star Trek?

Never mind, just do it.

Okay party's over.

Let the slice and dice guys in here to take him apart.

You bastard!

He was gonna help us you stupid idiot.

Oh!

Hold your fire.

It's got Mallory.

Get in.

Not you bozo.

- Oh no, he's okay. - He is?

Trust me, he's okay.

Back! Back! Back!

I best be on my way.

Thanks a lot Bubba. You're really wonderful.

- You two take care now yeah? - Okay!

So what happens now?

They're coming.

Goodbye, Amanda.

Wh-where's your ship?

Isn't some flying saucer gonna come land and make a big crater in the middle of the road?

Sorry nothing that dramatic.

Come here, we don't have much time.

You were a good teacher for me.

I would like to give you a gift in return.

I'll always remember you, Amanda.

And there will always be a part of me with you.

So I guess me going with you is a really stupid idea huh?

It's not stupid, it's just impossible.

Maybe we'll see each other again someday.

Yeah right.

Why do guys always have to say that?

I love you, Amanda

♪ ♪

Our final guest on this alien invasion special

is Amanda Patterson of San Francisco.

Amanda, you're the only one here who has actually been in contact with one of these aliens

and lived to tell about it. What's your story?

Well, we fell in love so I tried to help him.

Now let me get this straight, you fell in love with an extraterrestrial jelly fish,

who gets his jollies by sucking the life out of humans?

Well if someone can love Jeffrey Dahmer or Charles Manson.

No no no no, you don't understand. I mean he had to eat to survive.

Once he determined that we were an intelligent life form...

Oh, Amanda come on? I have to eat to survive too

but I don't go around sucking people's skulls to do it.

No, you don't understand I mean how else...

Ladies and gentlemen, you be the judge.

Has Amanda found true love or is she just another candidate for the looney bin?

Way to go girl, I've been wanting to do that to her for years.

I don't know, I think I like Donahue better.

Well are you through getting grilled here or do you get to go back down to Edwards

and get on that helicopter with that really cute marine?

Yeah, I have to go back next week for more questioning.

But, hey at least I'm not in jail.

A few of us are meeting at my place later for a girls night out, wanna come?

Can't got plans.

A new guy, tell me about him. I wanna know everything.

Jessica, you're drooling.

Oh, well maybe next week.

Yeah, maybe.

♪ ♪

♪ Here I am standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Where a truce is tacitly observed ♪

♪ Standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Maybe you can tell me why I'm prone to wander like a gypsy to a bone ♪

♪ Every time I hear the rain amid the thunder I want to run outside and shed my clothes ♪

♪ But I want to stay with you long enough to love you right ♪

♪ And I want to say to you I love the patience in your eyes ♪

♪ I love the patience in your eyes ♪

♪ Here I am standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Where a truce is tacitly observed ♪

♪ Standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting ♪

♪ And a hundred days and nights could find me scattered ♪

♪ All around the world without a name ♪

♪ But you're more than just a feather in my hat more than just a fetter on my frame ♪

♪ When I look up in the sky at night I want to go chase the stars ♪

♪ But like the catcher in the rye I want to stay where you are ♪

♪ I want to stay where you are ♪

♪ I want to stay ♪

♪ Here I am standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Where a truce is tacitly observed ♪

♪ Standing in a circle of quiet ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ Waiting for the world to turn ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Hey girl crashing through life, you're a runaway car ♪

♪ Hey girl blinding the boys, you're a shining star ♪

♪ Hey girl turn up the heat, a little bit higher ♪

♪ Hey girl burn up the night, you're a house on fire ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪

♪ Hey girl painting the sky, you're a red tail hawk ♪

♪ Hey girl you always flew, why rather walk ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ I'm still the same ♪

♪ Been seeming strange ♪

♪ So all alone, no one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl, I'm still the same ♪

♪ Hey girl, been seeming strange ♪

♪ Hey girl, so all alone ♪

♪ No one to call your own ♪

♪ Hey girl ♪