All language subtitles for sweethearts.2024.1080p.web.h264accomplishedyak

["I Wanna Dance With You"
playing]

♪ Can you tell by the way
I fall down? ♪

♪ Can you tell by the way
I'm calling out? ♪

♪ That I go through all this
So I can talk to you ♪

♪ And after all that
I could not see it through ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ Should've known by the way
I'm throwing down for you ♪

♪ Should've known by the way
I'm looking out ♪

♪ That I don't know myself ♪

♪ Banging over you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself
Hanging it over you ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself
Banging over you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself
Hanging it over you ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ So, just stay ♪

♪ Just stay ♪

♪ It's so easy to fall down ♪

♪ Feet, don't fail me now ♪

♪ So, just stay ♪

♪ Just stay ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself
Banging over you ♪

♪ That I don't know myself ♪

♪ Hanging it over you ♪

♪ I want to dance with you ♪

[girl giggling]

[kissing, moaning]

[both chuckle]

[zipper slowly zipping]

Uh, I thought...

I thought slower
would have been quieter.

But it was way worse.

You guys have a beautiful day.

["To The Letter" playing]

♪ Check-a, check, check ♪

♪ I catch wreck
With the Tech Deck ♪

♪ I'm the best yet
Kill a set then I jet, jet ♪

♪ Bet, bet... ♪

[girl moaning]

Fuck, yeah. Yeah!

Faster! [moaning]

[moaning] Yeah!

- [softly] Sorry.
- [Simon over phone]
Baby, you like that?

- [Jamie] Oh, yeah.
I'm, uh, almost ready.
- [Simon moaning]

Oh, I'm so close. Oh!

Almost there. I'm so close.

- [softly] The dining hall's
gonna close.
- [whispers] I know!

- [Simon moaning]
- [loudly] Oh, yeah!
Faster, harder.

Oh, yeah. Uh...

Just, I want you to come
for me right now.

- [Simon] Where do you
want me to come?
- [softly] My shoe! My shoe!

[Simon] Wait, your shoe?

[breathing heavily]
Okay, I'm coming in your shoe!

[Simon moaning]

Fuck! Did you come, too?

As your friend,
you did not give that
the attention it deserved.

It's 8:00 a.m. I'm sorry
I wasn't squirting
my brains out

before Medieval Literature.

Simon's football schedule
leaves very few windows.

You're also in a long distance
relationship.

I demand empathy.

Yeah. Okay.
Well, when I am virtually
intimate with Claire,

she is, A, alone, and, B...

actually masturbating.

Well, you think that,

but women
are natural multitaskers.

I know what Claire is doing
because I can see her.

Because we're FaceTiming.

Yeah, the video format
was becoming an issue for me.

You're not a fan
of Simon's camera work?

His dick takes up
the whole frame.

But then, like, my face
is still in the little box
in the corner.

I feel like I'm on local news

reporting live
from my boyfriend's
veiny boner.

I think it's so inspiring

that you choose to remain
in a relationship with a man

whose penis
absolutely disgusts you.

I think it's amazing

how you maintain
such a healthy sex life
with your girlfriend

who's still in high school.

[munching]

Uh...

Uh, hey, Luther.

You going home
for Thanksgiving break?

Nah. My mom's a bitch.

- Oh, for sure, for sure.
- [Jamie] Mm-hmm.

So you guys
going to that thing
at Tyler's later?

Tyler's,
like your roommate, Tyler?

All the freshmen that are going
to that off-campus party,

gonna drink in his room.

Yeah. Uh, drinks in the room
where I live.

Uh, yeah. I feel like
we'll probably hit that up.

People are gonna
get fucked up, dude.

Fucked up.

Fucked up.

So we're huge losers, right?

We're not losers.

Ben, we weren't invited
to a party in your room.

Yeah, but now we are.

Doesn't it bother you
that we, like, never go out?

Sure, but you're the one
that said

there's no point
in us going out

because we can't hook up
with anyone.

Well, that's true.
I stand by that.

I mean, we knew
it would be like this

when we decided
to stay with Simon and Claire.

But we made that call
because...

we're... in love.

- I guess.
- Yeah.

Another incredible outfit
from our titan in tweed.

You have to stop
posting his outfits.
He's gonna notice.

Everything I post
is flattering.

- He's a fashion icon,
and I am simply a fan.
- [cell phone ringing]

Doesn't she know
you have class?

Yeah, just... Just go.
Will you take notes
for me, please?

[cell phone ringing]

[Jamie sighs]

[Ben clears throat]

Hey, babe.

Babe, I'm freaking out.

What happened? Are you okay?

Mr. Gresh just asked me
to sing the national anthem

at the football game
Wednesday night.

That sounds
like a good thing, no?

I mean, that's in six days.
I have no time to prepare.

I haven't even
learned the song yet.

The national anthem?

Plus, it's the night
before Thanksgiving,

which means the entire town

and tons of alumni
are gonna be there.

And some industry, maybe.

Okay. Well, I mean,
at least that means
I'll be there, too.

You're right.
I can't wait to see you.

I've been getting so horny
thinking about you coming back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me, too.

- And just thought of you
coming into my house...
- Mm-hmm.

...and fucking me
so hard against the wall.

Yeah, that sounds fun.
We should do that for sure.

I'm actually so annoyed
Mr. Gresh won't even
consider another song.

- Mm-hmm. Totally.
- Like, the lyrics
are so irrelevant.

Um, but, babe,
I kind of have to go.

[Claire] What the fuck
is a rampart?

I mean, I just feel like
The Star-Spangled Banner
has been done before.

- Seriously?
- People will be expecting it.

- Shit, Claire,
I really have to go.
- Fine! Then text me!

Okay, I'll call you back.
All right. Bye.

You missed the whole class, motherfucker.

Did he say anything
about midterms?

I wasn't listening. Obviously.

Oh, God. I think I'm gonna
skip my psych discussion
and take a nap.

Learning about King Arthur
makes me very tired.

Okay, Ben, what...
what is happening here?

She's spiraling,
I'm stressed about midterms,

and my art professor
keeps pressuring me

for an answer
about the Copenhagen thing.

Wait. What?

The semester abroad.
They loved my portfolio.
I got in.

Okay, but would you
even be considering
fleeing to Europe

if it wasn't for Claire?

- She's suffocating you.
- [text whooshes]

Okay, okay, okay. Give me that.

- Give me that.
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

You don't need Copenhagen.
You need boundaries.

- You can have this back later.
- [text whooshes]

- And you're welcome.
- Okay.

- But real quick,
I really just feel like--
- Just one afternoon, Ben.

Be free.

["Sour Patch Kids" playing]

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Yeah, lazy, fat ♪

♪ When I was growing up
I had a lot of dreams ♪

♪ My momma told me
"Son you could be anything" ♪

♪ Long as
You spread your wings ♪

♪ I know one day
You'll be great ♪

♪ Just wait
Soon you'll aim up at the sky ♪

♪ And I'll watch you
Float away ♪

♪ But now that I am older
I'll admit that I am over ♪

♪ All the stress and shit
That comes ♪

♪ From holding life up
On your shoulders ♪

♪ It's a chore
I'm sick of being bored ♪

♪ I'm sick of always stressin'
Over shit I could ignore ♪

♪ I guess it's just
My own immaturity... ♪

Hmm. Lucky number 49.

Yeah, that's the one
he's gonna pick up.

Did he do a smiley face
at the end?

No, he did
that weird winky face

that's like you don't
really know exactly
what he's saying.

Oh, hey, lady.
This is my friend, Erin.

- She lives on the floor
above us.
- Hi.

Er, this is my roommate, Jamie.

I've heard so much about you.

Kelly says you're so funny.

Really?

I feel like I haven't
said a single funny thing
since I came to college,

but that's probably
'cause I'm wildly unhappy.

[both laughing]

See? I told you.

Oh, my gosh, you're unreal.

[dance music
playing in distance]

[smacks lips]

Tyler?

Yo, roomie!

I was just wondering,

did you by any chance,
move all my shit
into the hallway?

Yo, check this out.

I got us
a fucking projector, fam.

- Boom.
- Oh! [chuckles]

How about that?
Pretty sick, huh?

It's super sick.

The vibe in here tonight:
To infinity and I'm horny!

You know, like...
You know that guy?

Oh, Jamie.

Are you doing a movie night
with Simon tonight?

Mm, she and her boyfriend
do these super cute
long distance dates

where they watch the same thing
at the same time.

- [Erin] That is so cute.
- I know.

Yeah, well, I mean,
we're not doing one tonight
'cause I'm going out.

You guys going
to that off-campus party?

Yeah, we're... We're pre-gaming
with some Kappa girls,

if you want to come with us.

Are you rushing next semester?

I don't... I don't know.

I don't know about that.
[chuckles nervously]

Well, we both want to go Kappa

because they throw
a dance marathon.

Oh, it's this big party
that they throw
at the end of the year

to raise money for St. Jude.

You dance and all the girls
plan it together.

How fun would it be
if we all joined?

Because then it'd be, like,
the three of us.

[gasps] Oh, yeah.

[Jamie] Hmm.

Uh, by the way,

you can thank me later
because I am going
on a booze run.

Oh, you're...
you're taking my car keys?

Well, yeah.

It is clutch
having a roommate with a car.

Unless you want
to get the booze.

Wait. Do you have a fake,
by the way?

I... I do. But I don't know
if it's the best.

Dude, let me see this fake.

Oh, my God! All right.
Come a little closer.

Smile.

Little bit more.

Little less.

Okay, I'll go out with you.
[chuckles]

Uh, it's not bad,
but it's not good.

Who's, uh, Nick D'Agostino?

Uh, he's this guy that was
a couple years older than me
at my high school,

who sort of he died...

in a car accident.

Dude, why do you have this?

I found it in the gym locker
before I graduated.

That's really fucked up, Ben.

[banging on door]

[man] Campus security.

- Oh, my God...
- Take this. I got this.

I went to summer camp. Come on.

- Sir?
- Ben Okada.

- Who's that?
- I'm he.

Well, your parents
contacted the school
to do a wellness check.

Your girlfriend
said you were missing?

You have a girlfriend?

Oh, shit.
Is it that blonde girl
that lives on the floor?

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Dude.

- No, no, no, no.
That's my friend Jamie.
- Okay.

My girlfriend's
still in high school.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's 18, though.

She just had to
repeat first grade.

Ah. So you stayed
with your hometown girlfriend.

Yeah.

Every year, man.

You always gotta learn
the hard way.

And this stuff out here...
fire hazard.

I promise you I will
take care of this by dusk.

By dusk?

Or dawn. Whatever you need.

[static crackles]

That's a check on Okada.

[Jamie] She called
your fucking parents?

I... I knew I shouldn't have
let you take my phone.

Well, yeah,
and you also shouldn't have

let your roommate
borrow your car

and move your bed
into the hallway.

Stand up for yourself.

Whenever I try and do that,

Claire says
I'm being toxic, so...

Whoa!

[sniffs] Oof.

- Can you wash this for me?
- Yeah.

And, you know, I still don't
get your problem with Kelly.

At least I try
with my roommate.

Well, she's apparently
going around

telling people that I'm funny,

which who even knows
what she means by that.

She means you're funny.

And then she was trying
to brainwash me

into how amazing
sororities are.

Maybe she's telling you
about sororities

because she wants you to join.

Okay, so I join a sorority?
How would that even go?

Meet a bunch of girls
who become my best friends,

and eventually one of them
is my maid of honor

and our families
start vacationing together,

and her kids
call me Aunt Jamie,

even though we're not related?

Why are you saying good things
like they're bad things?

It sounds like
you want to join.

Because it's obviously
some sort of trap,

and I'm sorry, but no!

What if I rush
and they don't like me?

- What if I don't even get in?
- Okay.

I've, uh... I've tried
not to bring it up, but...

Do you think
any of this is in your head

because of the whole
home wrecker thing?

What? No.

That was so long ago.

I'm just saying,

maybe you're weird about Kelly

because Megan
and the girls in our grade
were pretty brutal to you.

This has nothing,
nothing to do with that.

Hey, we were young.
Whatever happened then--

What do you mean,
"what happened"?

You know nothing happened.

Do I? You never talk about it.

Fine.

But the important thing to know

is that Megan Mendelson
and I were best friends,

and I would never
do anything to hurt her
or her family.

It was the summer
before seventh grade,

and we did everything together.

Then came Megan's
twelfth birthday,

the event of the season.

Everyone cool
in our grade was there.

[Ben] Wait. I wasn't there.

[Jamie] Yeah, I know.

So there I was,
side by side with Megan,

hula-hooping,

and it was a joint effort
to get the attention

of the hottest boy
in our grade,

Dante Saprito.

[Ben] Dante's been hot forever.

[Jamie] And that's
when it happened.

[bee buzzing]

[Jamie] I got stung
by a fucking bee.

[screams]

As you know,
I'm highly allergic.

I ran inside
to find Megan's parents.

I panicked.

It was a medical emergency,
and I did what I had to do.

I took my shirt off
in front of her dad.

No. Mm-mm.

- [gasps]
- [cake thuds]

[Jamie] Then from there,
the situation was taken
completely out of context.

The unfortunate coincidence

that Megan's parents chose
that fucking weekend

to tell her
they were getting a divorce

made people
draw the absurd conclusion

that seeing
my undeveloped naked torso

caused Mr. Mendelson
to end his 19-year marriage.

And from then on,
I was home wrecker.

Megan turned every girl
in our grade against me,

despite the fact
that I was having
a medical emergency

and her dad
is a fucking doctor!

Technically, Mr. Mendelson
is actually a chiropractor.

- Sorry. Sorry.
- Dude.

Not helpful. Fuck Megan.

[sighs] It's fine.

It taught me
the valuable lesson in life

that most people
are secretly terrible.

All right, but...

Mm, but... tonight

I will try to have fun.

- Ah! There she is.
- All right.

Let's go make
some fucking memories.

Okay.

- [dance music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]

[Jamie] All right.
We're dancing.

Where are we starting tonight?

I think it's in the shoulders.

[Jamie] Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Ooh. I think it's moving
down to the hips.

- Yeah? Hips? Okay.
- Yeah.

Just the eyes! Eyes only.

[both laugh]

Yo!

Let's fucking rock!

[all cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

[cell phone ringing]

Oh, shit. Palmer's calling.

Hey!

- [Palmer over phone]
Hi, how are you?
- Bonjour.

[Palmer] Oh, both of you.

[Ben] Why are you awake?

Looks like a gorgeous morning
in Paris.

It is a gorgeous morning
in Paris,

and I'm awake because
I have the opening shift
at my job,

where I contribute
to society, as a worker.

Ugh, yes. Society needed you
to take a gap year

and work at Euro Disney, Palm.

I've told you a million times,

the bistro I work at
is outside the park's entrance.

As in, it's not Euro Disney.

It's a separate
business entity.

[Ben] Hey, Palm.

- We're drunk.
- Yeah, and we're going
to a party.

Oh, my God, a party?

- You guys are crazy.
- [chuckles sarcastically]

Speaking of parties,
I am planning to host

a petite soiree
the Wednesday
before Thanksgiving.

- Oh, you're coming back?
- Yeah.

Didn't you say your parents
were doing Thanksgiving on,
like, a cruise or something?

Yes. Martha and David
are boarding

Her Majesty
The Atlantic Princess
as we speak.

But I declined.

I mean, ultimately,
why does someone
move to France?

To return from France
and prove to everyone
we went to high school with

that I am now better than them.

Also that I'm no longer
vaguely pretending
to be straight.

- Oh! That's great, Palm.
- Let's go!

[Jamie] Yes!

Yeah.
So for my grand coming out,

I will be hosting
a curated gathering
of former classmates

before everyone blacks out
at Kurt's lake house.

- Brilliant!
- Oh, we love it. We love it.

- We'll be there.
- Yeah!

- [man over phone speaking
indistinctly in French]
- Oh, shit.

My boss is mad.

Bonjour, Claude!

I gotta go.

Bonsoir, Palm.

[Jamie] Okay.
You ready for this?

[Ben] Let's see
what we've been missing.

[Luther] Whoo!
Let's get fucked up!

- [music playing]
- [all chanting] Slap the bag!

- You gonna go over there?
- Yes.

Don't rush me.

- College starts tonight.
- College starts tonight.

Hey, don't leave this party
without me.

[all shouting]

Ben, dude!

Yo, let's get this guy
some Forty Hands!

[in sing-song voice] Ho-ho.
My roommate's not a bitch.

- He came out to the party.
- Oh, thank you.

- We gonna--
- Uh, when do we get them off?

Uh, when you
fucking finish, bro.

Okay.

- You guys are all...
- No idea what's in there.

- Super cute, okay.
- Love that.

- Good.
- So yeah.

So I'm on
the philanthropy board.

Um, Kelly told you
about dance marathon?

Yes, I... I love being tired.

It's like basically
my whole personality.

- Love you.
- That's hilarious.

Kelly was right.
You're so funny.

- By the way, Dylan's here.
Dylan's here.
- Oh, my God.

Kelly, this is the guy that
I wanted to set you up with.

- He's gonna be
so obsessed with you.
- Wait, really? Okay.

So, you wanna meet
any cute guys here?

I know... I know some guys.

Oh, no, I'm still
with my boyfriend back home.

I stayed with
my high school boyfriend
at college as well.

Aw, really?
Are you guys still together?

Oh, no.

He immediately cheated on me,
like, the first week of school,

so I registered him
as a sex offender.

Mm-hmm.

I got my dick sucked
on a ski lift.

That... that sounds freezing.

Dude, it was awesome.

- Hey.
- Oh!

- [chuckling] Okay.
- Ty--

- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.

I love your curls.

Oh, thank you.
I like your curls.

Ooh.

Uh... I'm Ben.

I... have a girlfriend.
She lives in Ohio.

I don't believe you.

I... I do. I really--

Tyler, Tyler!

Don't I have a girlfriend
who lives in Ohio?

No. [mouthing]

[both chuckle]

Phew!

Besides all, like,
the legal fallout,

him cheating on me
was literally the best thing

that could have
ever happened to me.

Because the day after,
I saw these Kappa girls,

and they were like, "Join!"
and I was like, "Yes!"

because before that,
I literally had zero friends.

Could you imagine?

- That would be hard.
- I am so happy.

Seriously, I don't even think
about Brandon anymore.

[both chuckle]

Legally, I cannot
talk about him.

Oh.

Brandon isn't even
his real name.

It's Jordan McFeery.

- Oh, I see.
- Hey, Hannah, you ready?

Oh, my God. Yes, girl!

- Bye, Annie.
- Yup. Ann-- Nope. Okay.

["Pain" playing]

♪ These girls just come
And let me down ♪

♪ I guess that's how
I'll do it now ♪

♪ Pain! ♪

♪ She don't think
I got the time ♪

♪ Now I'm wondering
If she's mine ♪

♪ Pain! ♪

[text chimes]

♪ I'd just hate for somebody
To need me ♪

♪ I need you now ♪

♪ Can't you just love me
Or leave me? ♪

♪ I figured out... ♪

[techno music playing]

Uh, so, look. I can't--

I, uh...
I... I can't do anything.

I love my girlfriend.

Loyal guys
are so insanely sexy.

Do we know
if this window opens?

"Repeat sounds good."

[girl chuckles in the distance]

- [door knob rattles]
- [boy] What the hell?

[girl] Why is it locked?

[boy] Maybe my roommate?

Oh. Oh, I have my key.

[quietly] Shit.

[door closes]

- [unzipping]
- [girl] That's so hot.

[boy] You're so hot.

[girl] I love your goatee.

[boy] Sit on my face
and you can ride it.

[both chuckle]

[both moaning]

[gasps] Oh, my God.

- Luther.
- [Luther groaning]

[clears throat]

So, how long
have you been together?

Well, I say two years
and nine months,

but she says two years
and eight months

because, uh,
she made out with Mike Berks

before we were
actually official.

- [moaning]
- Okay, um...

[clears throat] Um...

Look, I'm so sorry,

and your dance moves
are very appealing,

but I made a commitment
to my girlfriend,

and I need to honor that.

She is really lucky.

[girl moaning]

[whispers] Fuck, my clothes.

[both moaning]

Shit.

- [Luther gagging]
- [text chiming]

- [retches]
- Goddamn it, Luther.

On your back,

with your stupid penis out.

Fuck it.

- Okay. Let's just
roll you over.
- [groaning]

Yeah. I don't wanna
touch you either, Luther,

but I can't let you
choke on your own barf.

[groaning]

- [urinating]
- [gasps]

[squealing]

Oops.

- Tyler. Tyler, Tyler.
- Yep.

- Can you grab my phone?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Whoa! Wrong phone. [chuckles]

Unless? Yeah, you wish.

All right. Let's see. Uh... Oh!

Okay. Some girl Claire
sent you a bunch of messages.

She does not sound happy.

Oh, fuck.
Can you just take these off?

Uncle Ken is coming home
for Thanksgiving,

and he's staying in your room.

I think it's from your dad.

I'm gonna give that
a thumbs down. Sorry, Papi.

And, um... Ooh. Oh, my God.

"Help me.
I'm upstairs, please. SOS."

Who's that from?

Jamie!

Jamie!

[doorknob rattling]

Aah. Jamie--

- Hi. Whoa. Hi.
- Don't be weird.

- You've seen me
in a bikini before.
- Holy shit!

Luther's dead.

Yeah, I tried to help him,
and he peed on me.

- What?
- Just give me your shirt. God.

I thought he was gonna choke.

And then he peed.

It hit my chin
and I don't have my clothes.

Yeah. Wait.
Where are your clothes?

I was trying
to send Simon a nude,

and now they're trapped
in that other room
getting fucked on.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Untape me.

- [boy] Oh, fuck!
- [boy and girl moaning]

[boy] Oh, shit.

- [girl] Oh, my God.
- [boy] Ah, right there.

[moaning continues]

[boy] Oh, God!

Oh, fuck.

[breathing heavily]

Oh, shit!

- Oh, shit.
- [screaming]

What the hell?

These virgin freaks snuck in
to watch me fuck.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Just let me explain.

Your finger
went in my mouth, bro.

Dude, it was an accident.

Get the hell out!

[people murmuring]

You said you loved
your girlfriend in Ohio!

[all gasping]

[boy] Nice nips, bro.

What a disaster.

It wasn't even like
a walk of shame.

It was like a shameful walk.

I can't believe I got peed on
because I was trying
to text my boyfriend.

I can't believe that girl
threw a drink on us

because I wouldn't cheat
on my girlfriend.

Are these relationships
ruining our lives?

You know, I kept telling
that girl tonight

how much I loved Claire.

And honestly, I don't know
if that's true anymore.

I mean, do I...
do I love Simon?

I... I basically only text him
when I'm uncomfortable

or looking for a distraction.

Do you feel done?

[Jamie] I don't know.

How do you feel?

[sighs] I feel fear.

I'm scared of Claire.

I'm scared
of breaking up with her.

I'm scared of change.

I'm scared of things
staying the same.

Okay, Bob Dylan. Pop off.

What if I go to Denmark
for four months

and just pretend
I don't have service?

Ben.

Not having my phone today

was the happiest I've been

all of college.

I think we need to do this.

I think we need
to break up with them.

Yeah, I know.

- It'll... it'll suck,
but we'll do it together.
- Mm-hmm.

And then we'll have
the rest of college to have fun

- and try things and have sex.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh... with other people.

- Strangers. Different...
- Oh. Yeah, yeah.

- Different strangers
that we meet.
- I get it.

- I get it. I get it. I get it.
- Then maybe have sex
with them.

[Luther groaning]

Aw.

Night, Luther.

[Ben] Drink some water, bud.

[Jamie] Not too much water.

We need to do
these breakups right,

because we're good people,

and that means face to face.

No texts, no phone calls.

In person,
over Thanksgiving break.

Simon goes
back to school on Friday

because he has a game
that weekend.

Claire goes to her dad's
on Friday

and Thursday's Thanksgiving.

So it's Wednesday.

Thanksgiving Eve.

The day love dies.

Okay.

So we find
alone time with them,

early afternoon,
before everyone goes out.

Mm. Here's your problem
with that.

If left alone
in a private place,

Claire and I
will end up having sex.

Okay, so don't
have sex with her.

Mm-mm. It's not that simple.

Like most people
with an undiagnosed
personality disorder,

Claire is incredible
at fucking.

What's that even mean?

I mean, don't we all, like,
have the same basic
set of moves?

It goes in, it goes out.
I don't... I don't get it.

It's... it's Claire.
I can't explain it to you.

Okay, so,
when we get home on Wednesday,

I'll go to Simon's house
and you ask Claire to go
on a public walk.

Right.

And we need to practice
what we're gonna
say beforehand.

These days,
there's a lot of fallout
from a breakup gone badly.

They know things about us.

"They know things"?
What do they know
that could hurt us?

Are you kidding?

There's no way
Claire doesn't have
a full dossier on you.

I really don't think--

- Oh. Actually...
- Mm.

Mm-hmm. See? I knew it. What?

Well, you remember
how Claire played Sandy
in the fall musical?

Yes, but now I'm nervous.

She may or may not have
had us do some long distance...

Grease roleplay

that culminated in me sending
a pretty explicit video.

Ben, a video of what?

Technically, one could say
I was masturbating

in character as Danny Zuko.

Absolutely unacceptable.

- Yeah, we cannot do
these breakups over text.
- Okay.

So our midterm
gets out at 11:00.

We'll sprint to the car.

That gets us
back to Ohio by 5:00,

which gives us two hours
before the football game

to thoughtfully,
respectfully, lovingly,

end our first relationships.

You're right.
It's the perfect plan.

Danny Zuko.

Oh, my God,
that was fucking hard.

He's the worst
fictional character
of all time.

Fictional? Jamie,
King Arthur was a real dude.

What? Wow.
I did not do well at all.

All right. It's 11:08.

This is good.
We're making good time.

Uh, where's your car?

This is where I parked.

Could you be
remembering wrong or...

Uh, one sec.

[line ringing]

- [Tyler on phone] Benny!
- Hey, Tyler.

- [Tyler exclaiming]
- [exclaiming] Yeah.

Uh, hey, I was just wondering

if maybe
you borrowed my car again

- and parked it somewhere
other than structure B.
- [Tyler] Oh, yeah, bro.

I thought I told you.
I took it this morning.
I'm actually going back...

- What's he saying?
- ...to see the fam
for Turkey Day.

- Gobble gobble, baby.
- You have it now?

- He has it now?
- To visit your family?

[Tyler] Just passing
through Denver.

[Ben] You're already
in Colorado?

[Tyler] Oh, yeah, dude.
Smoking a lot of weed.

- You should get chains
for these tires.
- Colorado?

You're absolutely right.

- I should get chains
for my tires.
- Hey, I'm always right.

Absolutely.
Happy Thanksgiving, bud.

- [Tyler] Gobble gobble, my boy.
[mimics turkey]
- Okay. Bye.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I need to set more boundaries.
I'm aware.

You realize
this ruins the plan?

[scoffs] We're gonna
end up doing Thanksgiving
in the dining hall with Luther,

- and be stuck in these
relationships till we die.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, there's a bus
that leaves in 45 minutes
that gets into Ohio at 9:00.

9:00? The foot...
The football game's
gonna be over.

Everyone will be out by then.

Do you have a better idea?

[sighs]

Oh. Well, I guess
we can't sit together.

No way.

We need
to rehearse these breakups.

Watch and learn, Benjamin.

Excuse me. Oh. Hi.

Hey. Um, would you mind
moving to the seat over here

so the two of us
can sit together?

You know, actually,
I'd rather stay where I am.
Thank you.

Oh.

Well, um, excuse me.

- Hello again. Hi. Yes, um...
- Yeah?

Well, actually, my, um...

my fiance
has motion-induced epilepsy,

and as his
designated caretaker,

I need to sit next to him.

Pfft.

Sounds real tough.

Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

[exhales]

Why would you make that up?

It's called
advocating for yourself.

["Unwritten" playing]

♪ Staring at the blank page ♪

♪ Before you open up
The dirty window ♪

♪ Let the sun
Illuminate the words ♪

♪ That you could not find ♪

♪ Reaching for something
In the distance ♪

♪ So close
You can almost taste it ♪

♪ Release your inhibitions ♪

[singing along]
♪ Feel the rain on your skin ♪

♪ No one else
Can live in Paris ♪

♪ 'Cause Ohio's fucking lame ♪

♪ No one else ♪

♪ No one else can wear
This shirt with these pants ♪

- ♪ Drench yourself
In words unspoken ♪
- ♪ With words unspoken ♪

♪ Live your life
With arms wide open ♪

♪ Today is where
Your fucking book begins ♪

- ♪ The rest
Is still unwritten ♪
- ♪ Still unwritten ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[cell phone ringing]

Hi. Okay. Tell me everything.
How did the breakup go?

How did Claire take it?
Did she cry?

Well, we hit a bit of a snag.

We had to take the bus,
so we're actually
gonna be late.

What? You guys are still
coming though, right?

You're technically
the only two who confirmed.

Yep, we're coming.
But we need your help.

We missed our window,
and now Simon and Claire

are both going
to the football game.

Football game?
Like, at our high school?

To what end?

Because people like football

and Claire is singing
the national anthem.

Claire's singing
the national anthem.

Wow. [chuckles]

I guess the talent pool
at Cranford High
is really starved.

Uh, me leaving created
sort of a power vacuum

- that I guess
most people expected--
- Pal... Palmer. Focus.

We're supposed to be
breaking up with them tonight.

Uh-huh. But after the game,
everyone's either going
to Duffy's or Kurt's,

and there's gonna be no place
to have a serious conversation.

So, we told Simon and Claire
to meet us at your house.

Drama at the petite soiree?

[Ben] We need you
to go to the game,

make sure they leave with you.

Yeah. Otherwise,
Simon's dumb friends are gonna
drag him to the party.

And we'll meet you
at your house
as soon as we get in.

[Palmer] Okay,
just to be clear,

you're asking me,

who a mere 24 hours ago
was strolling the
Champs-Elysees,

talking to French people,
"Oui, oui, monsieur,"

and, in many ways,
was French myself,

to attend a football game
at Cranford High,

my former emotional prison?

I'm sorry, but yes.

Yes, we are.

Okay, fine. But only because
I'm extremely excited

to see Claire flop
in front of the entire town.

[laughs] I mean,
the national anthem. Whew!

You know she stepped on

literally every single one
of my lines in Pippin
last year.

You guys, I was Pippin.

Who was Claire? Not Pippin.

Yes, we have heard.

Thank you, Palmer. Thank you.

Now I need to reimagine
my look for a football game.

I have to go. Bye.

- Okay.
- All right.

[band playing marching music]

[Palmer] Simon. Hey.

Palmer. What's up, dude?

Hey, good to see you.

- Good to see you.
- Oh.

How's France?

Oh, I've been meaning
to ask you, actually.

I go to Harvard
with this French guy
named Jean-Luc.

He's fucking hilarious.
Any chance you've met him?

Um, sorry.
Do you know where he lives?

France.

That's where you live, right?

You know what, Simon?

I'm so glad that Harvard
hasn't changed you.

Thanks, man.

So, Jamie told you
about the thing with Ben
and Claire after this?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Mr. Ivy League.

- What's up, Coach?
- How's Cambridge treating you?

You know, not too bad.

Just hoping
if I play well this year,

I can get another look
from Ohio State.
Maybe transfer.

- [softly] My God.
- [Coach Reese] I recognize you.

Weren't you on my ninth grade
practice squad

claiming to be
allergic to grass?

Palmer. Hi.

Yes, I quit
after the first day.

So good to see you.

All right.
I'll see you boys later.
Happy Thanksgiving.

All right, Coach.
Good luck out there.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Bye, Palmer.
- All right.

Let's go, team.

The planet is on fire.

The permafrost is almost gone.

We have ten years left
of life as we know it.

Unless we take
decisive action now,

which I think we both know--

Okay. Can I...
uh, can I stop you?

Sure. Yeah. You have a note?

Yeah. I have a note.

Um, why are you beginning
your breakup speech

like you're a climate activist?

I'm just trying
to contextualize it.

You're breaking up with Claire

so you can fuck randos
in college.

I don't think
bringing up the permafrost
is gonna make her feel better.

- Yeah, you're right.
- [sighs]

She's gonna kill...
She's gonna kill me.

- She's gonna kill me.
- Don't panic.

This is why we're workshopping.

Here, let me do mine.
[clears throat]

[sighs] Simon...

- you know how much
I wanted this to work.
- [man scoffing]

It's neither of our faults.

And we both tried our best.

[man scoffs] Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

I couldn't help but overhear.

Sounds like you two
are breaking up?

We're not breaking up
with each other.

We're breaking up
with other people.

Jamie, stand down.

Interesting, 'cause I thought
you were engaged.

It's called having an affair.

Having an affair?
What are you, 16?

No, we're in college, dumbass.

I know you're in college.

I'm sitting
two fucking feet from you.

What do you think,
these are soundproof seats?

It's a Greyhound bus.

I got to sit here
with this lady, who,

no offense,

but you are kind of cutting
onto my fucking leg room
over here.

And I gotta listen to you
drone on about your breakups.

"Oh, baby,
I really want you in my life,

but not as bad
as I want to get fingered
at a frat party."

And now, you pick
the most cliched weekend

in the history
of breaking up with people

to drop the bomb on this loser?

Also, I know
you don't have epilepsy.

I'm sorry
that we took your seat, sir.

Suck my dick, dude.

[Ben] Hmm.

[Claire vocalizing]

♪ O say, can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly we hail'd ♪

♪ At the twilight ♪

♪ I said
The twilight's last gleaming? ♪

Claire.

Oh, my God.

- You sounded amazing.
- Palmer.

- Are you kidding?
- [scoffs] Stop!

[kisses]

[chuckles] I was so rusty.

I've been on crazy vocal rest
since Grease.

- Grease. Right.
- Yeah.

I was so happy
they picked something
in your vocal range this year.

Simon, over here.

- One sec, guys. Yeah.
- All right.

So I was thinking
we could all ride together

back to my place
to meet up with Ben and Jamie.

Have you heard from Ben?
My phone's dead.

He says they're almost
at the bus station.

Yo, are you guys
going to Duffy's before Kurt's?

- Yeah. For sure.
- Yeah.

Oh. You guys are doing
a sidebar. [chuckles]

Locking me
out of the conversation.
Let me in, let me in.

Should we just
meet them at Palmer's
and go out from there?

Yeah, I mean,
that makes sense, right?
My phone's dead. So...

Just gonna fight my way back
into the conversation here.

Hi. Uh, it's gonna
be really fun.

There's gonna be appetizers,

world-class cocktails,
spirited debate, me.

You know. So...

- [exclaims] There are
my weary travelers.
- Hi, Mom.

Rhonda, this is my son
and his best friend, Jamie.

- Hi.
- Hi, Rhonda.

Rhonda's brother
was on your bus.

He just had surgery
on his brain.

- Shit.
- You guys, come here.

- Give me a hug. Oh!
- Hi, Diane.

I am so ticked off
the car pooped out on you.

I'm sending you back to school
with a Triple-A card. Period.

Right? Right, Norman? Yes.

- Hi, Mr. Okada.
- Hi, Dad.

- [Jamie] How are you?
- [Norman] It's good to see you.

- How's it going?
- Good, good.

- Let me get that.
- Oh, thank you.

Look at you!

I can't even believe it.
[exclaims]

Oh, Benny.
Did you get the passport?

I FedExed it, and I was worried

that it was gonna,
like, get stolen.

Have you heard
about these porch pirates?

- No, this is real.
- I know. I got it. I got it.

But I haven't had the chance
to tell Jamie

that I'm definitely going yet.

I'm a little worried
that she's gonna feel
like I'm abandoning her.

- So if you could just
not mention Copenhagen.
- Okay.

- Okay. It's a secret.
- Yeah.

Safe with me. Let's go.

Oh! I am so excited.

- [Jamie] Yeah.
- You guys ready?

Yeah.

All right.

Oh. Diane, are you sure
you don't want to...

You don't want to sit up front?

Are you kidding?
I haven't seen you guys
in months.

I'm in the back with you.

Mama in the middle.

Diane sandwich.

[instrumental music playing]

Hello. [chuckles]

Some hors d'oeuvres
for mes amis,

which means
"my friends" in French.

Just get this open.

When you go
to a really nice restaurant,
they do it for you.

- [cork pops]
- Jeepies.

[laughs]

Whoo!

So, Champagne is actually
a region in France,

and if the grapes
aren't actually picked there,

it's not really champagne.

Dope.

Something that you learn
when you live in France.

So, can we, like,

drink it now?

First, a little bit
of the green stuff.

[chuckles] The green stuff's
just absinthe.

This drink is called
Death in the Afternoon.

It was supposedly
Hemingway's favorite drink.

And he was an alcoholic.

So he knew how to drink.

He, um, he drank quite a bit.

Probably a pretty tough guy
to be around.

'Cause of the alcoholism.

And then, ultimately,
he killed himself.

[bottle thuds]

Here we go. That's for you.

So, to...

Okay.

Don't have to cheers.

Well, I'm gonna
just run upstairs

and do a quick costume change

before the rest
of my guests arrive.

Cool, man.

And my house is your house.

All right.

- This actually isn't bad.
Here you go.
- Yeah.

[Diane] Okay.
So tell me everything.

How's class? How are the dorms?
How is the famous Tyler?

Oh, yeah.
How's the famous Tyler?

He's good. Everything is good.

Oh! I am just so glad
to have you guys back.

This is so much fun.

It's like we're in an Uber.

Oh. Five stars, Norman.

Thank you. [chuckles]

Oh, that reminds me.
We were in an Uber
the other day.

The driver was so interesting.

He is in the middle
of writing a novel

about a guy
who lives in a lighthouse,

but he's really a centaur,

so he can't
get down the stairs.

But that doesn't make sense.

How'd he get up there
in the first place?

Oh. Uh, sorry. Uh, Mr. Okada.
Do you mind turning up here?

We're actually
going to Palmer's.

What? You're not gonna
come back and have something
to eat first?

I made meaty macaroni.

That is so nice of you, Diane,

but we told Palmer
we'd go straight there.

It's, um, it's kind of
an important night for him.

- What?
- [Norman] What's so important?

[Ben] Um, well, Dad, uh,

Palmer has decided
that he's ready to share
some information

about his personal life
and his identity, and--

Oh. That he's a gay guy.

Uh...

Yes. Technically, yes.

[Norman] Well,
that's not exactly news.

When you were kids,

he went as Princess Di
six Halloweens in a row.

I loved it when he would wear
the oversized sweatshirts

with the little...
little bike shorts.

Well, for the record,

a boy dressing as a princess
doesn't make him gay.

Ben, we know that, okay?
Those are "gender norms."

We are very familiar
with those. [chuckles]

But he is gay?

Isn't he gay?

The point is that
we're going to support him,

and we can talk
about gender norms tomorrow
at Thanksgiving dinner

with Baba and Uncle Ken.
It should be...

very productive.

Princess Di,
she was having an affair
with a bodyguard.

Well, Prince Charles
was a real jerk.

He treated her horribly.

Not enough.

And I don't have
the privilege of minimalism.

That is for thin people.

That's it.
[exhales sharply] Okay.

I'm gay.

I'm here. I'm queer.

And I've got new clothes.

Hey, Sydney, remember
when you called me gay
in sixth grade?

Well, you were right.

But you were also a huge bitch.

[grunts softly]

I'm a homosexual.

Does anyone
have a problem with that?

Wait, wait. Wait for this part.

♪ ...were so gallantly... ♪

[Simon] No, I know.
It was so good.

I was there for it.

[singing along]
♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪

Love me. No.

Fear me. No.

Hold me. No.

I may need to eat something.

That French gin
is low-key strong.

[slurring] Don't panic.
This is what we're going to do.

Let's leave this place
and find...

food.

Yes. Okay.

Who are you? Are you boot gay?

Are you shoe gay?

["C'est La Vie" playing]

♪ Ayy, uh ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm 21
But I still walk around ♪

- ♪ With fake ID ♪
- ♪ What? ♪

♪ Cuddle with the homies ♪

- ♪ Watching Stand By Me ♪
- ♪ Cute ♪

♪ This dick ain't free ♪

- ♪ Baby, pay my fee ♪
- ♪ Bread ♪

♪ Let me live my life... ♪

We're trapped!

I'm going over.

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ Woo-woo, c'est la vie... ♪

[groans]

♪ Need a fine VP
Like Biden... ♪

Guys?

Everything okay down there?

- Okay. I got you. Come.
- Okay. Okay.

- [both grunting]
- [both thud]

Guys?

Ew.

The whole bottle?

Fuck me.

Simon!

Claire!

Fucking drunk teens.

Fucking suburbs.
No urban planning.

Fucking built for cars.

Can't even... What?

God.

♪ Let me live my life
Baby, c'est la vie... ♪

[chiming]

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ Woo-woo, c'est la vie ♪

[car honks]

- [driver] Get out of the road!
- Ugh, rude!

My phone!

I got it. I got it.

[driver] I have a green light!
Get out of the road!

[car honks]

Holy fuck.
The ground is a ladder.

[car honks]

Look, I'm climbing
a ground ladder.

You ready for this?

"The sweetness of love
is short-lived,

but the pain endures."

[snorts] What the fuck is that?

- What?
- Huh?

It's King... It's King Arthur.

It's the whole essay section
on our test.

Oh, God.
I really gotta drop that class.

- [car honks]
- [Claire] You can't
just honk at me.

- [driver] Get out of the road.
- Fuck me.

Don't run them over.
They still need to be
broken up with.

- [car honks]
- I'm finishing a text.

- Be patient!
- Yo!

Claire! Simon! [snaps fingers]

- Get out of the street!
- [car honks]

Uh, sorry, everybody.
[chuckles nervously]

They're with me.

- Sorry, sir.
- [car honks]

- [Claire] Your horn
cracked my phone.
- Oh, my God. Coach Reese.

I'm sorry to you. Um...

We were just
grabbing a bite to eat,

and I actually
can take it from here.

- So...
- [Claire] I'm a pedestrian.

Just for fun, how about I help?

[Jamie] Palmer?

[exhales]

[sniffs]

And the door was unlocked.
Simon's phone is dead.

- Palmer's not answering.
- [cell phone chiming]

- What the fuck happened?
- [Ben] Ooh.

Claire just texted.
Apparently, they went
to Duffy's?

Are you serious? Let me see.

Huh. Is she always
this short with you?

Well, she must be pissed.

What, you think
Palmer said something?

No. No.
He wouldn't have, right?

- I don't...
- [sighs]

Whatever.
Let's just get over there.

[Jamie exhales]

Perfect.

Franklin will be here
in 77 minutes.

Thank God we live in a town
with exactly one Uber driver.

[Ben] Mm.

Jamie, communication!
Where are you going?

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

["Bo Diddley" playing]

[Jamie] No.
We should turn back there.

- It's faster to take Oak.
- [Ben] Jamie,
stop trying to steer.

Turn around.

- Accept your lack of control.
- Ugh!

♪ Bo Diddley buy babe
A diamond ring ♪

♪ If that diamond ring
Don't shine... ♪

Thanks again for all your help.

Some people really can't
handle their absinthe.

Once we get this food in them,
they'll sleep it right off.

Grilled cheeses
and fries to go.

Oh. Thanks, Lukas.

Lukas, this is Palmer.
Palmer, this is Lukas.

Hey, Palmer.

Hi, Lukas.

You coming out
after your shift?

Mm. I wish.
Everyone took off tonight.

So, I get to close.

Don't have too much fun
without me.

Hmm.

[chuckles]

So, what side
of Main Street are you on?

You know, they closed
the north side because
of the turkey trot...

♪ Mojo come to my house
A black cat bone ♪

♪ Take my baby away from home ♪

♪ Mother ask Mojo
"Where you been"? ♪

[Coach Reese] Palmer.

What's your address?

Uh, 242 Duncan. Sorry.

242 Duncan.
Let's roll, man. Come on.

- [exhales]
- [car door closes]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ I'm feelin'
Pretty blue, man ♪

♪ I'm feeling pretty beat up ♪

♪ New chick
I've been talkin' to ♪

♪ Don't wanna meet up ♪

♪ Double D cups, I'm ready
To feel my N-U-T's bust ♪

♪ But she's sus ♪

Do you think
Palmer's parents' bike
is gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'm sure it's fine.

We have bigger problems
right now.

We're about to run
into everyone
we've ever fucking met.

Yeah, I--
I keep making eye contact
with Samantha Kosar, I--

I think she still likes me.
I feel bad.

[scoffs] You guys
went to one dance,

and that was before
she had her growth spurt.

She's, like, eight inches
taller than you now.

Ben, don't let yourself
get sidetracked.

[Jamie] You got the ID
you ordered online, right?

No. No, they emailed me

saying it was going to take
another three to eight months.

Then how are you getting in?

Well, I... I have my other one.

Your other one? What?

[bouncer] Next.

Next!

All right, you're good.

[suspicious music playing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Nick D'Agostino?

Uh-huh.

Born February 2nd,
live on Stanley Avenue?

Yep. Yes, sir.

And you died
in a tragic car accident

four years ago.

[stutters] No, no.

[stammering]

[winces]

I don't think so.

I was a pallbearer
at your funeral.

Fucking devastated.

Out of all the shit
I done seen underage kids pull
to try to get in here,

that's the most fucked up,
unforgivable,

piece-of-shit move
I've ever witnessed.

Both of you
get the fuck outta here.

You know,
we're just trying to--

If I ever see his face again,

I'm gonna make him
swallow his own teeth.

- Okay.
- Lifetime ban.

Out!

[both snoring]

As an adult, an educator,

I should be concerned
about the underage drinking.

But I'm concerned
that you don't seem
to be doing it right.

I mean, was this fun for you?
Was this party ever fun?

It was part of a bigger vision.

It was supposed to be
a petite soiree.

What's going on with you, man?

You've been strange
ever since we left the diner.

Are you gay?

Yeah...

But you live in rural Ohio.

Wha-- why do you live here?

- Where else should I be living?
- I don't know.

LA. New York.

Certain parts of Chicago, even.

Somewhere you're not
forced to live a lie.

My house in LA
would cost, like,
four million dollars.

And I'm not living a lie.

[chuckles]
What are you talking about?

You're like a fucking
Friday Night Lights
character, dude.

It's crazy. The whole thing.

The whole town
thinks you're straight.

[chuckles] Palmer.

I bring my boyfriend
to the faculty holiday party
every year.

It's not some huge secret.

All the guys on the team,
they know.

No, they-- Um...

They do?

Okay.

I'm just, like,
a little in shock
because, you know,

I just wish I would have known.

Growing up here,

I didn't realize
that somebody like you

could even be

like me.

Come on.

What's happening?

You're coming with me.

I'm wearing
two different shoes.

Don't worry.

Where we're going,
you won't need shoes.

- Let's go.
- Oh, cool.

The most unsettling thing
I've ever heard.

Bye, drunk people.

What the fuck, Ben?

You're gonna show up
to a bar in Cranford

with a dead kid's ID?

Our high school named
the fucking music building
after him.

We were never
supposed to end up here.

Drink up, dead guy.

Thanks to you,
we finally
put in a red light

at that weird off-ramp.

- Cheers!
- Okay, stop. Stop.

I get it. The ID was a mistake.

If I fucked up the plan so bad,
why don't we just call it off?

Okay, slow down.

The plan is not off.

We just need to regroup.

We need to figure out
a way into that bar.

- Oh, this bar?
- Mm-hmm.

The bar where the bouncer
who wants to be my dentist?

No. No, no, no.

I can break up
with Claire this summer.

Or next summer, or...

Just where--
Like an ongoing summer

- after that--
- Ben.

You know as well as I do
you need to end this.

And if you don't do it tonight,
you maybe never will.

[sighs wearily]

- Come on.
- What? What is it?
What's that?

What are you doing?
Where... where are you going?

Where are you--

Come on.
You've got to be kidding.

You want to wait in the car?

Suit yourself.

Stop doing that.

["Good Rocking Tonight"
playing]

♪ Well, I heard the news ♪

♪ There's good rockin'
Tonight ♪

♪ I'm gonna hold my baby
As tight as I can ♪

♪ Tonight she'll know
I'm a mighty, mighty man ♪

♪ Heard it, baby ♪

♪ There's good rockin'
Tonight ♪

♪ Well, meet me in a hurry
Behind the barn ♪

♪ Don't be afraid
I'll do you no harm ♪

♪ Come on down, bring... ♪

Welcome to the Cranford
Queer Bowling League.

Wednesdays at 9:00.

"Where we're going,
you don't need shoes."

Probably a less scary way
to say we're going bowling.

Ethan, meet Palmer.

Nice to meet you.
What's going on down here?

I didn't... It's a long story.

Alec.

Hey.

Hey.

It's Jamie.

Jamie Warren.

We made out freshman year.

Steve Dugan's shed.

I hit my head on a beam.

Oh! Jamie!

Yeah.

- You got way prettier.
- Thanks.

Cool. Um...

Should we all go back inside?

Yeah.

Great.

"Way prettier"?

[crowd chattering]

♪ Get up, get up, get up
Now get down ♪

♪ Get up, get up, get up ♪

♪ Now get down ♪

♪ Get down, get down ♪

How do we find them in here?

Okay, I'm gonna look
over there,

you look over there,

and then we'll meet
back here in ten, okay? Got it?

Just remind-- Jamie.

Could you just remind me
what I say when I see her?

Jamie, I'm scared
of my girlfriend.

We got this!

- [pins clattering]
- [cheering]

I never said I was
good at this.

So, Paris.

That's quite the big move
from Ohio.

- Are you loving it?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's Paris, you know.
My God.

Who wouldn't kill
to live in France?

- So, yeah, obviously.
- [Ethan] Wow.

You are completely
miserable, huh?

[Coach Reese]
Go easy on him, Ethan.

He's just fulfilling
his gay birthright

to live somewhere
far more expensive
and fabulous than here.

- [chuckles]
- [Palmer] Okay.

Because it's vastly superior
to stay in a town

where the hardest place
to get a reservation
is the Spaghetti Outlet.

No, I mean, I get it.
I had my New York years.

[laughing] Oh!

You did?

Yeah. I moved there
when I was 17.

You know,
I became a starving model,

I sort of hovered
around the outskirts

of Leighton Meister's
entourage.

I had a very chic coke problem.

I did it all.

Ethan, that sounds awesome.

Uh, why would you
come back here?

Well, my mom got sick.

And I ran out of money,

and I sort of realized
that I was spiritually empty
and completely lost.

And then, I don't know,
being back here,

it made me realize
I wanted to do

something semi-meaningful
with my life.

So, long story short,

I did EMT training
and became a firefighter.

You stayed
in middle of nowhere Ohio
to be a firefighter?

Don't they have those
in New York?

- Well, he stayed because
he's obsessed with me.
- Okay.

We matched on an app
while I was taking care
of my mom, that's all.

Oh, that's all?

- Yeah.
- That's all?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay. All right.
I'm obsessed with him.

I'm obsessed with him.

Okay, if I'm being honest,
Paris is a little lonely.

And working at Euro Disney
is a unique form of hell.

Oh, my God. Euro Disney?

This is so much worse
than I thought.

Listen, I'm going to
tell you this

because somebody
needed to tell it to me,

and in my case,
it was Leighton Meister's
dogwalker,

but being a big city socialite

is not the only
appropriate way to be gay.

[Coach Reese] Yeah,
I mean, Susan over there?

She's a veterinarian.

Her wife, Tess,
has an Etsy store of candles
that smell like the beach.

She has an Etsy store
of candles that try to smell
like the beach.

You can even be
a high school football coach.

Listen, the bottom line is,

you get to decide
how you want to be happy. Yeah.

Yeah. And the Spaghetti Outlet
is disgusting.

- Thank you.
- [Coach Reese]
But you know what?

We have a Thai place now.
[clicks tongue]

Your move.

Oh, my God.

Don't make fun.

["Unwritten Remix" playing]

♪ Reaching for something
In the distance ♪

♪ So close
You can almost taste it ♪

♪ Release your inhibitions... ♪

[all cheering]

♪ No one else
Can feel it for you ♪

Claire?

Simon?

[indistinct chatter]

Claire?

- Ooh.
- Ben Okada?

- Oh, fuck me.
- Take a picture with me.

[grunts] Samantha, hi.
How's Notre Dame?

Remember when we fucking
grinded at homecoming?

- Mm.
- I could feel your little boner
pressing into my back.

Yeah! That was nice, I think.

Okay, ready? First one: silly.

[camera shutter clicks]

Next one: serious.

[camera shutter clicks]

- Now, kiss.
- No, don't--

[camera shutter clicks]

[gasps]

[chuckles]

The one that got away.

["Onset" playing]

♪ Onset, make you
Work up sweat, make ya ♪

♪ Bounce, bounce
Bounce, bounce ♪

♪ Onset, make you
Work up sweat, and a' ♪

♪ Onset, make you
Work up sweat, make ya ♪

♪ Work, work, work, work ♪

[loud sniffing]

Claire?

[clinks]

[girl] Oh, shit.

[distorted club music playing]

Home wrecker?

Megan Mendelson.

Samantha,
I really need that picture.

This is the guy
from the photobooth.

- He's in love with me.
- Is it in your purse?
I need it. I need it.

This guy's, like, literally
robbing her right now.

I just need that picture back.

That's it.
We're getting the bouncer.

[bouncer] Get down,
off the table.

[speaking indistinctly]
This guy, he tried
to take her purse.

Fuck!

Over there.
He tried to rob us!

So, we dropping you
any place fun?

Yeah, the youths getting
cross-faded in the woods,

- or whatever you guys do now?
- [snickering]

Uh, I think just home.

The, uh, plan for the evening's
been a bit derailed.

- What... what's the plan?
- I was going to, like,

officially come out
to the Cranford
social scene tonight.

Oh.

You haven't done that yet.

Well, my two best friends know,

and with my parents,
I would say it's been...

heavily implied,
sort of repeatedly.

[chuckles] But, yeah,
other than that,

I haven't really gotten
the opportunity

to shout it from the rooftops.

Well, you know,

we might actually be able
to do a little bit better
than a rooftop.

What do you mean?

We can?

Yeah. Let's go. Come on.

See, you guys
are a match made in heaven

'cause it's the riddles
and the "follow me."

Let's go, Coach.

[sniffs] Okay. It is so crazy
I'm running into you right now.

Were you just doing coke?

Oh, my God. No. Never.

It's crushed up Adderall.
I have prescription.

Look, I was planning
on reaching out to you
over break,

'cause, to be honest,
I had, like,

a really tough
first semester at school.

I slapped my RA, as a joke,

then she, like,
totally misrepresented
the whole thing.

Anyway, I got
the school-mandated therapist.

And basically just,

I feel like...

what's the word? Bad.

About how horrible
I was to you.

- Me? I don't...
really remember...
- No! Yeah, you do.

- ...what you're talking...
- Remember when
we used to be best friends?

And then I told
the entire school
that you flashed my dad

and that's the reason
my parents got a divorce?

And then everyone
hated you for years
and called you a home wrecker?

Oh, right. That.

Yeah, basically,
it turns out, I just, like,

could not handle the fact
that my parents
were splitting up,

so I looked for someone
to blame it on.

[chuckles] And I'm like,
so sorry

because, to be honest,

you were, like,
a really good friend.

You're the only one I told
that I fed my dog a battery.

Can you forgive me? [chuckles]

I'm a victim of a robbery.

This is a dangerous bar.

Okay. What did he look like?

This is him.

Nick D'Agostino.

[Samantha] Oh, actually,
that guy's name is Ben Okada.

["Power Power" playing]

♪ You can get devoured ♪

♪ It's a difference from a hero
And a coward ♪

♪ Who are you? ♪

You! I see you.

♪ And when
They dropping off... ♪

How you doing, bud?

[Ethan] Is that high enough
for you?

[stammers] Yeah,
this is high enough.

Probably good here.

[Coach Reese] All right.

Tell Cranford what you've been
waiting to say.

[Ethan] This is your moment.
Tell the world who you are.

Okay.

Just gonna...

do it.

[screams] I'm gay!

[dog barks in distance]

I'm gay
and I'm afraid of heights!

Oh. I should've
saw that coming.

Yeah... Uh, Pal-- Palmer?

I think France is overrated.

And we're still going.

I regret deferring college.

I think the guy who works
at the diner is super hot.

I tried moules-frites
and I didn't like it.

It's not very good.

I mean, we're in college.

It's so stupid
to rehash something

that happened in middle school.

- [thuds]
- No!

My therapist says that trauma
inflicted around that age

follows you into adulthood,

and it can really, really,
really, really mess you up

if you don't take
the time to unpack it
and look inward.

Okay, fine!

The home wrecker stuff
fucked me up, okay?

And I have not had
a single close girlfriend
since that happened.

I am a traumatized, damaged,

fully packed person.

Happy?

I will be happy

if you can give yourself
permission to forgive
and open up again.

- [Ben] Jamie, are you in there?
- Bring it in, girl.

- [thuds]
- [Megan groans]

The bouncer knows we're here.

- Oh, my God.
- [Megan] Ow!

Oh, fuck. Megan Mendelson.

Is it bad?

- [Megan] Ow.
- Megan, I am so sorry.

Oh, God, get some ice for that,
and, um, good talk.

- [stammers] We'll talk more.
- [Megan] Okay.

Have a good night, girl.
I'm glad we did this.

Love you lots.
Love you like a sister.

[Ben] Did I break Megan's nose?

- Are you guys friends?
- [Jamie] Unclear.

Wait, we can't leave yet.
We haven't found them.

Yeah, the door's locked.
What do we do?

And I think that I should be
verified on social media

because my following is small,

but I'm doing
really good stuff on there.

He's listing minor
grievances now.

It's starting to feel
a little petty.

- I have a weird point of view.
- [alarm ringing]

I gotta go.

We're bringing you down,
Palmer.

Okay. Wait. Is there a fire?

Can I come to the fire?

Where the fuck
are Simon and Claire?

Well, they gotta be
outside somewhere.

[fire alarm blaring]

Hey!

[Jamie] Oh, shit!
Go! Go, go, go!

Nick D'Agostino.
You're fucking dead!

Out of context,
that sounds really bad.

[bouncer] Lifetime ban!
You hear me?

- You better run!
- What the hell!

[both panting]

I wonder how he knew
Nick D'Agostino.

Must have been family friends
or something.

Ben, we were right there.

I mean, the one time

you choose
to stand up for yourself

is to mug a woman in a bar?

I had to.
She had a photo of us kissing.

If Claire saw that,
she would have
hated me forever.

God, some things
are more important
than being the nice guy.

And maybe
if you understood that,

you wouldn't let people
walk all over you
and fuck up your life.

You know
who's fucking up my life?

You're fucking up my life.

I am so tired of you
yelling at me.

Maybe I care too much
if people like me.

But you don't care at all.

You start fights
with strangers on the bus.

You're mean to your roommate,

who, on all accounts,
is an extremely sweet person.

And fine,
I'm a pushover, Jamie.

But at least
I'm not lying to myself

and acting
like I hate everyone,
when clearly,

I'm just desperate
to be accepted by them.

["Zou Bisou Bisou" playing]

[imperceptible]

[indistinct chatter]

[Jamie whispering] Palmer.

[indistinct conversation]

Palmer.

- Palmer!
- Caw-caw!

Ah! My friends are here.

Uh, hi.

[chuckles] Where have
you guys been?

Where have we been?
Are you kidding me?

Why were you on a fire truck
with the coach of our
high school football team?

Yeah. And where are
Simon and Claire?

Okay, Twenty Questions...

but "You're Mad at Me" version.

It's a really
funny story, actually.

For starters, Cranford
has a queer bowling league.

I went gay bowling! [laughs]

- What?
- It's like regular bowling,
but the people are gay.

Anyway, Sam and Claire,

ugh, they chugged
an entire bottle of absinthe
like animals.

And then they fled.

And so they were briefly loose
in the town.

But I captured them,
mostly on my own,

and now they're passed out
back safely at my home.

No, they're not.
We were just there.
They're not there.

- [cell phone ringing]
- What?

[Jamie] No.

She's literally calling.

Hey, Claire.
Hey, is everything okay?
Are you at Palmer's?

[Claire] No, Palmer's
literally psycho.

- He gave us this drink
and we got so fucked up.
- Hello, hello?

And then we slept it off
and sobered up
and I don't know.

We got a ride
to Kurt's and we're here.
Are you guys not here yet?

They're at Kurt's.

- [softly] They're at Kurt's!
- Uh, yeah. No, no, no.
Stay there. We're gonna come.

Palmer, I'm gonna
fucking kill you.

Relax. Mystery solved.
We'll all go to Kurt's.

Well, how are we getting there?
Via fire truck?

Because, uh, we kinda came here

on your parents'
tandem bicycle.

Yeah, and Franklin,
Cranford's one
fucking Uber driver,

is somewhere in Pennsylvania.

Oh, my God, Jamie?
Do you guys
need a ride to Kurt's?

I told my dad we made up.

Hi, Mr. Mendelson.

Hello... again.

Party Express!

[imitates train honking,
chuckles]

["Finger Clicking Good"
playing]

Oh, my God, Dad.
It was, like, so crazy.

There were
20 fire trucks there.

It was like smoke
coming out of every--

I mean, I did not know
if we were gonna
make it out alive.

And literally, when I ran
into one of the firemen,

he was like, "Are you okay?"

Like, threw a blanket over me.

He was like, "You honestly
could have died back there."

And I was like, "Yeah,
I really, really felt that."

It was the scariest thing
I have ever seen.

And you know, one time
we saw that guy on the street.

Oh, my God. It was so insane.

So, everybody
enjoying freshman year?

- Not going well.
- I'm actually in Paris.

Majoring in art.

God, Ben!

I cannot get over
how grown up you all look!

- Jamie, when was
the last time I saw you?
- [Palmer mouthing]

- [whispers] Dad.
- [Ben] So, Mr. Mendelson.

How's the chiropractic field
these days?

Any big advancements?

I actually, I just got back
from a conference
in Scottsdale.

- Yeah, we were studying some--
- No way. Meg, how about
some music, sweetie?

Oh, my God.
I fucking love music.

["Ready to Go"
playing on car radio]

♪ I'm, I'm ready to go
I'm ready ♪

Okay, I fixed my nose
in the car.

Does it look blended?

Yeah. You're good.

And us?

- We're good.
- [gasps] Yes!

Oh, my God.
I was hoping you'd say that.

Okay. I have to go
fuck Kurt. Bye!

- Kurt!
- Okay!

That was a lot.

Before we go in here,
I just want to clear
the air between us.

I'm really sorry
that I got sidetracked

and didn't call to explain
what was happening.

The night kind of
got away from me.

And two entire
human beings, yeah.

Well, it's okay, Palm.

We're happy
you had a good night.

I really did.

And it made me realize I want
to start Brown in January.

I don't want
to go back to Paris.
Fuck Europe.

Well, not fuck Europe.

I mean, obviously,
it would've been so fun

to be a train ride away
from Ben in Copenhagen.

[winces]

You're gonna go?

Everyone knows except me?

Seriously?

I had to turn in my deposit
before break.

I was gonna tell you
after this weekend, but...

Why don't I...
Why don't I run inside
and get us some drinks?

Yeah. One step ahead of ya.

Wait, wait, wait. Jamie, Jamie.

Can we please talk about this?

No.

You should go to Copenhagen

and have a great time
making friends

who aren't as desperate as me.

So, have fun.

[chuckles] Come on--
This is not my fault.

Ben.

I'm telling you,
the people at Harvard
fucking suck at beer pong.

They are really nice, though.

I'm liking my time there,
for sure.

[chuckles] Hey, there she is!

- Hi, babe!
- Come here.

I'm know. This night.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

- My phone died at the game.
- It's okay.

We went to Palmer's,
but it was kind of weird.

And then I got lost
with Claire.

It doesn't matter.
I fucking I missed your face.

Hi. Oh.

- Oh...
- God, I missed you.

All right, boys, she's here.
Rack 'em.

Oh, actually, um, I was--

I was hoping
we could go talk somewhere?

Come on. I need my partner.

One game. Just one. One game.

Okay. All right.
One game. Yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

I've been waiting all night
for you to be inside me.

Oh, me too!

Hi. Mm...

[chuckles] You taste weird.

Did you cheat on me?

[laughs nervously]

Oh, what?

Um... [clears throat]

So, should we go somewhere?

My thoughts exactly.

I already found a bedroom
upstairs with a waterbed.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Not a... not a bedroom.

I... I mean, like,

what about somewhere private,

but also public?

And outside?

[chuckles]

Freaky.

Okay, college boy.

- I know just the spot.
- Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Who's "Jet Aime"?

It's French. Je t'aime.

What does Je t'aime mean?

I love you.

What?

Go away.

- Get over here.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay.

Heh.

No, no, no, no.
Whoa, whoa! I, um...
[clears throat] Claire.

Uh, before we do anything,
I just want to talk to you.

We can talk after.

- This first.
- No, no. Um, it's...

It's... it's about
something... serious.

What is it?

The permafrost.

Yo, let's roast this fucker.

Yeah, baby,
I'll be right there.

["To The Party"
playing on speakers]

You know anything
about cooking?

Uh... not really.

Wait, Kurt.

I'm gay.

I'm Kurt.

I know.

We've gone to school together
since kindergarten.

I'm gonna try to cook
this turkey on that bonfire.

Perfect.

[groans]

Ugh! We lost.

I guess we should, uh,
go outside and talk now, huh?

- Redemption shot. Come on.
- [groans]

Babe, babe.

- Come on! Overtime! Let's go!
- Babe!

- Come on! I thought
we were gonna go talk.
- Yes!

No, yeah, we are.
After this game.

All right. You go.
You got this.

- [ball bounces away]
- Whoops!

[Simon] You used to be,
like, good at this.

Gotta keep your elbow tucked.
Come on!

[all exclaiming]

Oh, my God!

Ooh! Crazy!

What the hell?

We should probably go talk
while they fix that, huh?

Okay.

More like table wrecker!
Am I right?

[girl] Oh, my God, Megan!

No, no, it's funny now,
'cause we're friends.

[indistinct chatter]

[Palmer] Where's
she gonna do it?

Not the swing set.

He'll never swing again.

Palmer.

Hi.

- [Palmer laughs] Hey.
- Hey.

Lukas.

Do you know Kurt?

Uh, Coach and Ethan felt bad
that I had to miss bowling,

and they said
you might still be out.

So, that's...

So you came to see me?

[chuckles softly] Yeah.

Okay. Well...
welcome to Kurt's party.

[boys exclaiming]

I take absolutely no ownership

over anything
that's happening here.

- Yeah.
- [laughs] Obviously.

Do you want to grab a drink
and watch some stoned boys

try to cook a turkey
over an open flame?

[chuckles] Yeah, lead the way.

Okay.

And if the plankton and algae
communities are threatened,

then... [scoffs]

the entire food web may change.

And... and, baby,
I appreciate your concern,

but we're together
for the first time
in three months,

and I really
don't want to talk about
plankton anymore.

You know what
I do want to talk about,
Danny Zuko?

Uh... methane levels.

Let's talk about
methane levels.

You're the one that I want.
[giggling]

Okay, one sec.
One... one minute.

Where the fuck are you going?

I... I just need
some fresh air.

We're literally outside.

What's going on?

Why are you being so weird?

[Jamie and Simon
speaking indistinctly]

What are you looking at?

[Jamie] I just don't think
this long-distance thing
is working.

It'll be way easier
for me to come visit
once football is over.

I feel like you're just like...

giving up.

Is she...

Are they...

Wait a second.

[scoffs]

Was all that stuff
about a serious conversation

you trying to break up
with me, too?

[loudly] Oh, my God!

Was this some plan
between the two of you?

To tag team
your fucking breakups?

- Ugh, God, you guys
do everything together!
- Claire...

Don't even think
about following me!

Uh, maybe we should go
somewhere else?

- [Claire straining]
- Really, Claire?

Don't fucking move!

What is going on?

[Claire] Let me save you
the confusion.

These two came up
with a little plan
to dump us at the same time

because they're
co-dependent psychos

who can't do anything
without each other!

Seriously?

You two... You planned this?

I bet it's exactly
what everyone's
been saying all along.

That these two
have been at school
rawdogging the entire time!

Ben and I are not
having sex with each other!

Yeah. And to be honest,

we're not exactly
on great terms
right now, either.

Aw. Of course
you two are fighting.

You're like
an old married couple.

You might as well
be fucking at this point!

Claire, this isn't
about Ben and I.

This is about the fact
that these relationships

should have been left
in high school.

I'm sorry to say,

but they're holding us all back
from moving on with our lives.

Wait, you think
we're holding you back?

Are Simon and I the reason

you two stay in your dorm room
every night

instead of making
a single new friend?

You know what? This sucks.

I'm done.

- Simon.
- No.

Simon. Simon.

You two deserve each other.

[Ben] Claire.

Um...

Not an emergency...

but I am stuck up here.

[indistinct chatter
and laughter]

Oh, that doesn't look good.

Yeah, that is definitely
way too much lighter fluid.

[people exclaiming]

[chanting] Turkey!
Turkey! Turkey!

- [chanting continues]
- God.

A group of straight guys
with a common goal
is genuinely terrifying.

Yeah.

[chanting] Turkey!
Turkey! Turkey!

Do you think we should
call Ethan or something?

This looks like it's getting,
like, dangerous.

Uh, no, I'll just say
something to Kurt.

I mean, it's his house.

[chanting continues]

Hey, Kurt.

Holy shit. Never mind.

- Thank you.
- Turkey! Turkey!

Definitely call Ethan.

In 15 minutes,
this whole place
could be up in flames.

- [chanting]
- [flame roars]

[laughter]

[chanting continues
in distance]

I think it's so special
how that went

maybe as bad
as it possibly could have.

I've never seen Claire
that mad.

I actually thought
Simon was gonna start crying.

I brought up the permafrost.

No, you did not.

You think Claire's right?

About what?

About us.

Our whole thing, how it's...

weird that we're so close,

but we've never...

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, but...
but I mean, we're friends.

We've... never wanted to, right?

Yeah, no, but it's, it's...

It's not like we've never
considered the possibility.

Right? I mean...

I mean, you've thought
about it, haven't you?

Yeah-- Yeah.

No, no, no. I've...

Of course
I've thought about it.

Obviously.

It just felt like...

couldn't that
ruin our friendship?

Yeah, no, it definitely could.
It could be a disaster.

Especially if one of us
didn't feel the same way after.

- Right, right.
- Hmm.

Then again...

What?

Uh, I don't know. I...

Things don't exactly feel great
between us right now.

So...

[slow instrumental
music playing]

What are we saying then?

[sirens approaching]

[fire truck honking]

Is that the cops?

Holy shit!

[Coach Reese] All right,
I need everyone to step back!

All right, that's it.
Time to go home.

[Coach Reese clapping]
Party is over!

- What's going on?
- Yeah, what the fuck happened?

Oh, there was
a terrorist attack.

Yeah. You just missed
the news trucks.

No, they incinerated a turkey.
Where were you guys?

- [Coach Reese] Thank you.
- Uh...

Thanks for calling.
You did the right thing.

Of course.
Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.
We managed to get the fire out

before there was
any major property damage.

Little freak who lives here
is pretty shaken up, though.

Y'all have a ride home?

Yeah, I can drop everyone off.

- [sighs in relief]
- Look at that.

Thank God.

- [Coach Reese]
Have a good night.
- [Jamie] Mm-hmm.

- [Lukas] You too.
- [Palmer] Thanks.

["Love is an Accident" playing]

Okay, so you said it,
and then they just,
like, walked away?

No, yeah, no.
We just... We just broke up.

Jamie. Nothing to add?

Did they cry?

Give me details.
What else happened?

Okay, then.

Psychos.

♪ Secure the ground
Beneath your feet ♪

♪ 'Cause love is an accident ♪

♪ Waiting to happen ♪

♪ To me and to you ♪

Okay. Uh, good night.

And-- and happy Thanksgiving,

and we should
definitely talk soon

and make sure that we...

touch base moving forward.

[smacks lips]

Okay, good night, Ben!

[Jamie] Bye.

- Oh, he's unwell.
- [Lukas] Mm.

[Palmer] "Let's keep in touch"?

Are we networking? What?

["Nothing Can Change This Love"
playing]

♪ If I go ♪

♪ A million miles away ♪

♪ I'd write a letter ♪

♪ Each and every day ♪

♪ 'Cause, honey, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing can ever change ♪

♪ This love I have for you ♪

♪ You make me weep ♪

♪ And you can make me cry ♪

♪ See me coming ♪

♪ And you can pass me by ♪

♪ But, honey, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing can ever change ♪

♪ This love I have for you ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ You're the apple of my eye ♪

♪ You're cherry pie ♪

♪ And, oh, yeah
You're cake and ice cream ♪

♪ Oh, you're sugar and spice ♪

♪ And everything nice ♪

♪ You're the girl of my
My, my, my, dreams ♪

[Harry] You realize, of course,
that we could never be friends?

[Sally] Why not?

[Harry] What I'm saying
is that men and women
can't be friends

because the sex part
always gets in the way.

[Sally] That's not true.

[Harry] No man
can be friends with a woman
he finds attractive.

He always
wants to have sex with her.

[Sally] What if they don't
want to have sex with you?

[Harry] Doesn't matter.
Because the sex thing
is already out there.

So the friendship
is ultimately doomed,

and that is
the end of the story.

[Sally] Well, I guess we're not
gonna be friends then.

- [Harry] Guess not.
- [Sally] Too bad.

Hey--

[Sally] You're the only person
that I knew in New York.

Oh, oh, oh, sweetheart,
we haven't run
the dishwasher yet.

I do a very thorough pre-rinse.

Just leave 'em.

[plates clinking]

Come talk to me, kiddo.

What's going on?

You have male friends, right?

Yeah, sure I do.

I mean, your father
is, like, my best friend
in the entire world.

And I have you.

Yeah, that's...
that's not exactly
what I meant.

Look, I know you've only
been gone a few months.

But you're a grown-up now.

Okay? And that means
that sometimes life...

puts a pebble in your shoe.

Right? And you can
either ignore it

and just keep walking
and let it slow you down.

Or you can take the shoe off

and shake that fucker out.

Damn, Mom.

[movie continues on TV]

[Harry] And I love
that you are the last person
I want to talk to

before I go to sleep at night.

And it's not because I'm lonely

and it's not because
it's New Year's Eve.

I came here tonight
because when you realize

you want to spend
the rest of your life
with somebody,

you want the rest of your life
to start as soon as possible.

["Changes" playing]

[door opens]

- What's happening?
- [door closes]

Should we pause?

Go back to sleep, Norman.

♪ I thought I knew one
Who told me I kept them safe ♪

♪ Got caught up in love ♪

♪ It can't make it
Through the day ♪

♪ Now all I think of
Is how will I run away ♪

♪ Buried in the problems
Of the yesterday ♪

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ In the same old town
I saw your face ♪

♪ You seemed so sad
I felt the same ♪

Ben?

[panting]

I shouldn't be
this out of breath.

What's... what's going on?

Look, I can't stop
thinking about last night.

And I hate that
I don't know where you stand,

and I don't want
to ruin anything.

But I realized something,
and I have to let you know.

Oh, Ben.

I don't wanna fuck you.

I harbor no sexual
or romantic feelings
for you whatsoever.

You are my absolute
favorite person on this planet,

and I just want
to be your best friend.

[breathing heavily]

Wow.

Is...

Is... is that okay?

I have never been so relieved
in my entire life.

- [Jamie laughing]
- Oh, thank God!

[chuckling] Dude,
I have been fully spiraling
for the past 12 hours

thinking you were
in love with me.

No. No, not even a little bit.

[scoffs] I can't believe
we let Claire get in our heads.

I know. I mean,
granted, we do spend
too much time together.

Yeah, it's fair to say
we have issues, but--

I'm glad sexual tension
is not one of them.

Exactly

[sighs wearily]

And I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about Copenhagen.

But I want you to know
it has nothing to do
with you or Claire

or anything other than the fact
that I want to go.

I think it's cool
my professor picked me.

It is cool.

- Really?
- Yeah, of course, really.

It's been cool this whole time.

I just...
didn't want to admit it

because I didn't
want you to leave.

But that's shitty

and I am
really excited for you.

And you're right,
I should be nicer to Kelly.

I know what I said
about sororities,

but it'd be nice to have
girlfriends in college.

Are you reading King Arthur?

Oh, yeah, I was looking to see
if there's any wisdom in here

about making out
with your best friend

and then deeply regretting it.

- Ah. And?
- Nothing yet.

But to be fair,
I am still on the foreword.

Have you talked to Simon?

No.

You talk to Claire?

No, not yet.
We should probably do that.

Yeah, we should.

Should we tell them
that we kissed?

- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Don't!

- Don't joke about that.
- I'm kidding.

That's... not...

That's too soon.
It's not funny.

[chuckles]

["Are We Still Friends"
playing]

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

♪ Can we be friends? ♪

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

- ♪ Can we be friends? ♪
- ♪ Can we be friends? ♪

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

♪ Can we be friends? ♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ Are we still friends? ♪

♪ Friends, friends ♪

Ben, your dad
won't stop giving me
supportive hand gestures.

- Just ignore him.
Just ignore him.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, I'm glad you won't be
as far as France, Palm.

Me too.

And I'm so proud
of my little heartbreakers!

- [Jamie] Bring it in.
Bring it in!
- You did it!

Hey!

- Okay, well,
don't let us keep you.
- How's that going?

It's good.

My parents don't get back
from their cruise
for another six hours,

so we have the house
to ourselves.

[clicks fingers]

Okay!

- Get it!
- [Palmer] All right.

See ya.

Okay.

You ready to go?

I think so, yeah.

["Cut to the Feeling" playing]

♪ I had a dream
Or was it real? ♪

♪ We crossed the line
And it was on ♪

♪ We crossed the line... ♪

My feet are gone. I literally
don't have them anymore.

I told you not to borrow
Jamie's shoes.

- You're not the same size!
- I'm gonna go get some water.

- Okay?
- Yeah!

- Okay. All right, babe!
- Thank you!

[Erin] Love you, James!
You're my hero!

[Jamie] Yeah! We got it!

I love the energy!
I love the...

No fucking way!

What are you doing here?

[Ben] I couldn't miss this!

Wait. How did you
even get here?

I thought you didn't
get here till tomorrow!

I got an earlier flight,
so I had Tyler pick me up.

He owed me a favor.

- [Jamie] Oh!
- [Ben] Love you, roomie!

Look at you! Look at this!

I know! I know! Oh, my God!

- I can't wait to hear
about everything!
- Same, I--

- [whistle blows]
- Shit, shit, shit!
If we're on the dance floor,

we gotta be dancing.

Okay, well...

where are we starting?

I think it's at the chest.

♪ No more hesitations
This is on ♪

♪ Can't make it stop... ♪

Yeah.

I think it's going to hands.

- Mm!
- Think it's going to hands.

Yeah, it's going to hands.
It's going to hands.

♪ I wanna cut
Through the clouds
Break the ceiling ♪

♪ I wanna dance on the roof
You and me alone ♪

♪ I wanna cut to the feeling
Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I wanna cut to the feeling ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ I wanna cut to the feeling ♪

[as Danny Zuko]
Ooh, Sandy!

In your little poodle skirt
and your... your big boobs...

You make me so horny, Sandy.
I just want to...

greased lightning
on your butt cheek, huh?

Greased lightning
all over your butt cheeks.

[door opens]

- [Tyler] Ben?
Dude, you look hot!
- [laughing]

["To The Letter" playing]

♪ Check-a, check, check ♪

♪ I catch wreck
With the Tech Deck ♪

♪ I'm the best yet
Kill a set then I jet, jet ♪

♪ Bet, bet that
I get, get all the props ♪

♪ Find me smoking
Marijuana crops ♪

♪ Go ahead and call the cops
Shit, they can't do a thing ♪

♪ TPS be the new crew to bang
So turn it up, up ♪

♪ We're so fine
And you the rough cut ♪

♪ Hit the edit lab
And review your frame ♪

♪ Chop chop, snip snip ♪

♪ Hip hop 'til your lid pop off
And you flip ♪

♪ Keep a stiff upper lip
When I rap ♪

♪ Pull a trick out my hat ♪

♪ Then I bounce in a Honda Civ
Never on the grid ♪

♪ You're not not gonna see me ♪

♪ We got, got
What you need, need ♪

♪ Pot buddha weed, weed
Rock, rock to the beat, beat ♪

♪ From Chicago to DC
I'm out for the clean sweep ♪

♪ Be prepared
To salute your shorts
Lose your drawers ♪

♪ We're gonna run 'em up
The flag pole ♪

♪ I be the hip hop poster boy ♪

♪ That most avoid
'Cause they be getting punished
In a battle ♪

♪ You can't roll with my team
Can't donate a swing ♪

♪ Camp Lo fans
Know what I mean ♪

♪ Tableau with the theme
Of a Coppola scene ♪

♪ Get at me ♪

♪ I could show you
A thing or two about ♪

♪ How to put a needle
To the groove in the record ♪

♪ See most people
Couldn't do any better
Than P-Squares ♪

♪ Am I stupid or clever?
Ain't got a clue whatsoever ♪

♪ But everything I do
I do to the letter ♪

♪ So take, take
A breath, breath and go ♪

♪ Find me in your tape
Cassette deck fo' sho' ♪

♪ A brain case, a meth head
A dope ♪

♪ Vacate the room, room ♪

♪ I'ma let you know, know ♪

♪ We did it again
So grab the weed
Hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares
And we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't have none
Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love
From the back to front ♪

♪ 'Cause we did it again
Grab the weed, hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares
And we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't have none
Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love
From the back to front
We give it up ♪

♪ One, one to the two
Spun with the crew ♪

♪ Huff, huff a balloon
'Til I'm blue in the face ♪

♪ Stay true to the faith
Of unusual taste
With tools of the trade, I ♪

♪ Lose, lose control
Move, move your soul ♪

♪ Boom, boom
'Til the room explodes ♪

♪ Sip, sip my cup, cup
A quick slit, the blunt's cut ♪

♪ The piff, piff I puff, puff
And pass to the left ♪

♪ Then I ask for the check ♪

♪ Masking the stress
With a bag full of cess ♪

♪ From an ounce to a pound ♪

♪ I'm down at the lounge
Buying rounds
For my frowning clowns ♪

♪ Whiskey and rye
Get lifted and fly ♪

♪ Drift through the skies
Squinting my eyes ♪

♪ Ignited by
The flickering light
The criminal minded ♪

♪ Out for the thrill
Of the ride ♪

♪ Clean clock with a sock
Full of batteries ♪

- ♪ The academy cat, finna pop ♪
- ♪ Yeah, right ♪

♪ That'll be the day
There's fees to pay ♪

♪ Cheese to make
G's to rake, weed papes
Lemme lead the way ♪

♪ Stone's throw from the po-po
Bring on the heat ♪

♪ So cold I'm froze
Like a sno-cone ♪

♪ Coke nose and the go-gos ♪

♪ We got the beat
Dome blown from a bowl
Of the home grown ♪

♪ Opium den, dope in the dojo ♪

♪ Smoke, smoke puttin' holes
In the ozone ♪

♪ Showboat with a sold soul ♪

♪ Broke, broke like a joke
Mofo got no dough ♪

♪ Get low with your ass
And your hips ♪

♪ Scandalous
Smackin' your lips ♪

♪ Term K flick ash
From the window ♪

♪ Smooth cat move fast
As the wind blow ♪

♪ We did it again ♪

♪ So grab the weed
Hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares
And we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't have none
Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love
From the back to front ♪

♪ We did it again
Grab the weed, hit it again ♪

♪ Palmer Squares
And we in it to win ♪

♪ So throw your hands up ♪

♪ And if you ain't have none
Just jump ♪

♪ Mad love
From the back to front ♪

♪ We give it up ♪

[upbeat music playing]

[upbeat instrumental
music playing]

[music ends]