Original subtitles

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[bright uplifting music]

-Hello, darling. -Hello. Is it all right?

No, up a bit.

Oh that’s lovely, that is. That’s a handsome. [laughing]

Come on. Come on, you two. You were due out two minutes ago.

What’s the holdup then?

Oh. Oh, I might have known it. Now here we go again.

Oh you two lecherous layabouts, honestly.

Come on. Get in there and get that bus out. Come on. Come on.

It won't be cold, will it?

How can I run a bus service with you two sniffing half the clippies?

You’re like a couple of sex maniacs, you are.

What’s the matter, jealous?

-[laughs] -Baa!

I had a dog like yous two.

[bell dings]

I had to take him to the vets.

-[bell dings] -[chuckling]

Hard luck, Blakey. They must have done the wrong one.

[laughing]

-Not that you’d notice. -[laughing]

Oh. I can’t adjust my ticket machine. Can you give me a hand?

Yes, not half. [laughs]

Oh blimey, I can see your trouble. It stands out a mile.

[laughing]

Here, look darling, what you want to do is twist it round…

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. This one.

-No. See, this is the one… -No. No it comes out here.

No, it's here.

-[laughing] -[indistinct chatter]

Stop!

What do you think you’re doing, love?

Cor…

Now then, miss, what seems to be the trouble?

Perhaps I can be of some assistance at all?

Oh, it’s me ticket machine, Inspector. It’s all loose and dangling.

-Oh. -Can you adjust me straps?

Yes, certainly, it's…

It’s your diagonals all slack, see that, look.

Oh!

Watch it, Blakey. If you undo the wrong straps

the ticket machine won’t be the only thing that’s loose and dangling. [laughs]

Twit!

Oh! [laughs] That's very tight, Inspector.

Oh blimey, that's no good.

I mean the way she's built when she looks down,

she won't be able to see her little handle. [laughs]

Well that's ridiculous. I can see it from here.

That's 'cause you’re looking down the crack in the middle.

[laughing]

Will you get in that cab and get out?

[shouts] Will you get out!

All right. All right. Come on, Jack.

[Blakey] I’ve had just enough of the you two, I’ll tell ya.

If I have any more trouble, I'll get the General Manager to sack the pair of yous!

Ha! The management'll love you.

Blimey, they can’t get bus crews for love nor money. You sack us?

[laughing]

-[door slams] -[engine starting]

[upbeat music]

♪ Oh it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ There's nothing like it, you'll agree ♪

♪ Just take a ride up on the buses ♪

♪ Because there's plenty you can see ♪

Full up!

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ There is no better place to meet ♪

Jump on, Mum!

♪ So why not take a look around you ♪

♪ No need to leave your seat ♪

Arthur!

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

[Arthur] Olive!

♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ There's so much feeling on the buses ♪

[shouting]

♪ As people fumble for their fare ♪

♪ It always happens in the crushes ♪

♪ They take their chances ♪

-♪ When it's there ♪ -[honks]

♪ It's so exciting on the buses ♪

♪ When someone's fumbling close to you ♪

♪ But when the traffic jam's in rushes ♪

♪ There's little else to do ♪

♪ There's always gay life on the buses ♪

♪ Make sure you leave your bird at home ♪

♪ You'll see so many on the buses ♪

-♪ You won't be sitting on your own ♪ -Cor!

-♪ It's so romantic on the buses ♪ -[bell dings]

♪ You'll find it thrilling when you ride ♪

♪ And you can get it on the buses ♪

♪ Upstairs or down inside ♪

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪

[Jack] There you are darling. Go with your bits and pieces.

-There you go. -Thank you, Jack.

No, no, mate, no, that's all right.

There you are. Take these. They've only been used once.

-[chuckling] -See you, mate.

[bell dings]

-[mischievous laugh] -How about that, eh?

I got you here nice and early this morning.

Yeah, not half, marvelous. Thanks, mate.

Well, I’m gonna have some breakfast, mate.

-Here… -What?

I think I'm gonna have my breakfast in bed. [chuckling]

Looks as though she’s keeping it warm for you and all.

-[laughing] -Phwoar!

[gentle music]

-Come on darling. -All right.

Oh blimey. You can't wait for it, can you?

[giggling]

[chuckling]

[grunting]

[smooching]

[squelching]

Cor! [groans]

Here, Betty love. How much longer have I got?

You got another five minutes.

Five minutes? Cor blimey, we must have had a quick trip.

We're ahead of schedule. Come on.

[vehicle approaching]

Cor blimey, the next bus is here! The flippin' inspector's on it.

I thought you said I got another five minutes.

Look, 9:57.

You stup… That's the service you get on Saturdays and Bank Holidays.

Where’s me clobber? I'll get the chop for this.

Cor… Old Blakey… Women…

Hey!

[shout] Hey!

Well, don't hurry yourself, will ya?

Hello Blakey.

Where’s your conductor?

Um… Um… Oh yes, Jack, um, well, as a matter of fact, he’s um…

Oh, [chuckling] here he comes now.

Well, what’s he been doing in that house then?

Well, he's, er… He's been ans­wering the call of nature.

Call?

D'you mean to say that he's been using that lady’s facilities?

Well, you could say that. [laughs]

Good morning, Blakey.

-Get that bus out. -Eh?

Get the bus out. Go on, get it out.

-[Stan] Well, go on, then. -[Jack] You're the driver.

Get it out!

[bell dings]

Come on mate, let’s go and get some grub.

Hang on a minute, uh… That’s my little Suzy over there.

Oh, very tasty, mate. 'Ere, Is that the bird you took out last night?

Yeah. A right little raver, mate. [laughs]

Yeah. I'll bet you was out late.

Late? I didn’t get in till gone 11:00.

Eleven?

The Wimpy Bar don't close till then, you know.

You little devil.

She's coming over here now. I'm going to ask her out again.

Eh, Suzy, love. How about coming out with me again tonight?

Eh? You must be joking.

'Ere, what did you do to her last night?

Nothing.

That accounts for it. Come on, let's get some grub.

You got to get some pleasure out of life.

Cold food.

Look, it’s no use blaming me, is it?

Well, it's a disgrace. And no chips.

-[man] 'Ere, look at this Stan. -[Stan] What?

Oh, here we go.

'Ere, Jack. Cop that, mate, look.

What's that? "Kitchen closed, no hot…"

Oh blimey, that's it then, ain't it?

I mean, we're not standing for that.

Look, it's a staff shortage, ain't it? We can't get the cooks.

Same as the bus crews. We can’t get any staff these days.

That is no concern of ours, mate.

As shop steward, I’m here to tell you that we are entitled to an hot meal.

-Am I right? -[man] Right.

-That is a union agreement, mate. -[all agreeing]

Come on, Stan. We’re going home for our lunch.

What?

You're not going home, mate.

You're due out in another hour.

If you’re not back here on time, you’ll get the sack, the pair of ya.

[Jack chuckles] No mate. Them days is over.

Can't you get it into your little head? There's a staff shortage.

[all laughing]

-Come on, mate. -Ooh I hate, you two.

[laughing]

I've had just about enough of you two, I tell ya.

You're exploiting the staff shortage, ain't you?

Yeah. You won't always get your own way, you mark my words.

It won't be long, love.

Well, come on, Mum. I'm in a hurry.

Well, I didn't know you was coming home, did I?

Good job I've got some Cornish pasties in the oven,

otherwise there would­n’t have been enough.

[doorbell rings]

[Stan] Well, come on, let's have it!

[Olive] All right, here you are.

'Ere. Mum makes a smashing Cornish pasty.

Mum didn't make those. I did.

Olive! It's arrived!

What's arrived?

Me new washing machine.

Where do you want it, love?

-Just about there. -[man] All right.

-To you. To you. [straining] -Right.

There you are, love. Sign here, please.

Innit lovely? Mum and me bought it this morning.

Thanks.

Look Mum, this is absolutely ridiculous. We’ve got enough on the HP already.

No. I'm sorry. That thing'll have to go back.

Oh, love!

Look, we’re paying on the telly, the fridge, the vacuum cleaner.

Well, I can’t afford to give you any more.

I haven't finished pay­ing off for my new bed yet.

You don't pay as it is. I pay all the HP.

Oh, love, we can afford it.

You do get a nice lot of overtime these days.

I know that’s only because we don't get any bus crews.

I still don’t see why he can't pay his whack.

Because I happen to be a married man, mate.

I have to keep your sister.

Anyway, at my job I hardly get any over time. I only do it about once a year.

You only ever do anything about once a year.

What do you expect when your bed's on the never never?

-[laughing] -[Mum laughing] Oh, Stan!

[indistinct chatter]

That's ridiculous. What a stupid mad idea.

The Union'll do something about this.

Here, lads. Have a look at the notice that Blakey's put on the board.

Come on, Butler. It's all about yous two.

-[Stan] What's it about then? -'Ere you are.

[Jack] Hang about. I'll have a butcher's.

"In view of the shortage of bus drivers,

the company have decided to employ women drivers."

Women drivers?

Yeah, it's a diabolical liberty.

[laughing]

No, it’s a joke. Innit, Blakey?

The management have already agreed to it, mate.

It was all my idea, actually.

[chuckling] Women? Women bus drivers? Go… Come off it, Blakey.

You'll never be able to cope with them.

Men or women, mate, they’re all the same to me.

Yeah, we noticed that.

[laughing]

I always thought you was a bit kinky.

[Jack] Dah, that's ridiculous.

I mean, it'll be the same as the clippies, won’t it?

I mean, what happens? You train 'em,

then in a few months, they leave, get married and have babies.

Yeah, but not always in that order.

[laughing]

Blakey, it’ll never work, mate.

We've taken some on already.

No more shortage of bus drivers, eh?

No more liberty taking.

You can get that badge on the right way round for a start and all.

Didn’t I warn yous eh? I warned you. You couldn’t say I didn't warn you.

Yeah. 'Ere, Stan, do you want a cup of tea?

[sighs] No. No. I don't think so, Jack.

Eh?

I think we'd better get this bus out on time.

[chuckling gleefully] Oh god.

[sobbing gleefully] Made my day that has.

[bell dings]

Right.

-Hey, Jack, wait a minute. -Mm?

I was thinking last night about what old Blakey said.

When we get them women bus drivers, will it affect my overtime?

Oh yeah. Probably will. Mind you, I'll be all right.

I mean, it won’t affect me.

Blimey, talk about pull up the ladder.

I'll tell you something, mate.

No woman bus driver’s gonna get you to the turn around point

early so you can have it off with your bird.

Oh, blimey, yeah.

Hm. Didn't think about that, did ya?

'Ere, look, we’re not standing for that. I’m gonna take that up with the Union.

Besides, I couldn't manage on my basic wage.

Ah, what are you worried about? It's not going to happen for ages yet, is it?

I mean, it's gonna take months to teach them women to drive them buses.

Yeah, 'course it is.

-Oh, Butler! -What?

You won't be doing your extra late shift anymore.

Why not?

My first two women drivers have turned up. Look. [chuckling]

[dramatic music]

Blimey. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Yes, you can be sarcastic, mate.

They'll be able to do your job properly,

and they won’t waste time trying to pick up the clippies, either.

By the look of them, I'm not so sure.

-Inspector. -Yes, lovey?

I've got a complaint.

Oh.

I refuse to drive this bus, unless you have the windscreen cleaned.

-Eh? -[Stan chuckles]

You want to watch it. You could be replaced by a woman.

[laughing]

[laughing] Fancy you being replaced by a woman.

Oh belt up. It’s a diabolical liberty.

Yes, well, personally, I'm in favor of anything

that will give us a better bus service.

[laughs]

Look, it hasn't sunk into you yet, has it?

I tell you something, mate,

you better start getting your football pools up,

because I'm going to end up losing all my overtime.

We’ll have to cut down.

That washing machine'll have to go for a start.

Oh, no, Stan. I mean this saves Olive all the work on washday.

Yes. It makes all the difference. I’m not worn out when I go to bed now.

Can’t say I've noticed.

-Here you are, love. Here's your supper. -Thanks, Mum.

Mar­velous, innit, eh?

They can find women to drive our buses, can't even find a woman for the canteen.

Well, cooks should be easy to find.

'Course they are. Blimey, any fool can do that.

[lighthearted music]

Yeah.

Olive.

-Olive! -Eh?

Wake up.

But Arthur, it's only three o’clock.

Yeah, I know.

Oh. Shall I take my curlers out?

No. I want to talk to you.

Oh. All right.

I've been thinking.

If your brother's going to bring home less money,

I can't afford to take on the payments on that machine.

So, I think you ought to put in for that job in the bus company's canteen.

-What, me? -Yeah.

Well, I don't see why you shouldn't go out to work in… In view of the circumstances.

Well, I’d do anything you say, Arthur. You know that.

And we could do with the extra money.

Yeah, but don't get over excited.

I mean, even if you do get the job,

I doubt if you'll hold it down for longer than a day. You never have.

But Arthur, I must be good at some­thing.

[dog barking]

I can't think what.

[lighthearted music]

But, Blakey, why not?

No, no, no, Butler. I do not think your sister would be suitable.

We need an experienced cook for this job.

But we haven't had a proper canteen for weeks.

Look, she can do it.

No, no, no, the food in that machine's quite all right.

[indistinct chatter]

Phwoar.

Er, tell you what, Butler. Uh… I might give her a trial, yeah.

Yeah?

Yes, I'll have a word with the General Manager about it.

Oh thanks, Blakey. You won't regret it. She's a marvelous cook.

Cor blimey!

[Olive] Don’t you like my stew, Stan?

I tell you one thing, love. With you cooking in the canteen,

I reckon I'll get some of the over­time back I lost.

How’s that, love? Is the inspector going to be pleased with ya?

No. Half the bus crews will be off with food poisoning.

[chuckling] Oh, Stan.

Don’t be such a pig.

Anyway, if it makes them ill, it’ll make you ill too.

Not me, love, I've been eating your grub for years.

[Arthur] 'Ere.

-What? -It's like snake charmers.

After they’ve been bitten a few times, they become immune. [chuckles]

'Ere, don’t forget what the inspector said.

You’ve got to be there at six o’clock tomorrow morning

to make tea for the early shift.

Six in the morning?

Oh Arthur, it’s hardly worth me going to bed.

How right you are.

-[shouting] Now come on! -[chattering]

How much longer have we got to wait? We want our grub!

What’s going on in there? Ain't it marvelous, eh?

-What's all this about then? -I don't know.

Stan, what is your sister doing in there? We want our lunch.

Well blimey, it is her first day. Give her a chance.

Well, sort it out, will you?

[Stan] All right then. All right then. All right.

Olive darling, open up. It's me, Stan!

Oh Stan, come and help me. Everything’s going wrong!

Blimey, help you? Where are you?

'Ere! Here!

Oh go on, come on, let's help her, Jack.

-Get out… -Come on, guys, out of the way.

[coughing]

[Stan] God, you're in a hell of a mess.

What's happened and why are you so behind?

You didn’t tell me this was an electric stove.

Well, what’s that got to do with it?

I spent 20 minutes trying to light it.

Oh god!

It takes so long to get hot.

I wanted to fry the fish but I couldn't get the fat hot enough.

Of course not, you stupid nit!

You’ve switched the wrong knob on!

That's the one you switched on. It's wrong!

That's the one you should have switched on!

Not…

[groans] Cor blimey!

[hissing]

Oh, no wonder it hasn’t melted the fat.

No, but it’s melted the saucepan, ain’t it? Look!

[laughing]

Oh, shut up.

Couldn’t you see?

No. My glasses keep getting steamed up.

Blimey! What have you got in the oven?

Oh, the joint must be done.

Blimey!

-[groans] -[exclaims]

Oh! Now the potatoes are boiling over!

Oh, leave ’em. They’ll put the joint out.

Why don’t you shut your face?

-[groans] -I can’t see. Is it done?

Is it done? Blimey, it's cremated!

What the… What's going on in here?

None of these men have had their lunches yet. You know that, don’t ya?

You know I can’t get them buses out.

Oh, everything’s under control, Blakey.

It's just that um… My sister… Olive’s not used to the stove.

-No. -Eh?

Is the fat hot enough for the fish?

No, not yet.

We'll put it on the fast ring, you know, the one where the other saucepan was.

[Olive] But it's got bits of saucepan still stuck on it.

Use your loaf, darling. Just scrape them off, there's nothing to it. Look.

Just get rid of them. I'll just take this out to the side.

No! Stop that! What do you think you’re doing?

Just a minute. Go out of it.

[Blakey] Leave it to someone who understands these things, will ya?

Poking it like that, it could be dangerous.

You do it exactly like this….

-[loud explosion] -Ahh!

[chuckles] I think he’s blown a fuse.

I think he's blown his gaskets and all.

-[Stan and Jack laughing] -[Blakey groaning]

Where is Olive?

She’s late coming home from that can­teen. It’s past 10:00.

I'm going to bed.

Look, mate. You want to think yourself lucky she’s held the job down.

I was six pounds light in my wage packet this week

because of them women bus drivers.

Yes. If Olive wasn’t working, I don't know how we'd manage.

[door closes]

Ah, there she is now.

-Hello. -Hello, love.

Where have you been? You’re later than usual.

It’s Friday night, love. I had to stay behind and clean out the canteen.

But I've got my pay packet. Look.

My first week’s money. Canteen cook, £12.80.

That's not bad for unskilled labor.

No that’s… That’s very good, sunshine.

Uh… Show it to me. I'll just, check the deductions.

Is it much?

She’s just about to have the biggest deduction of the lot.

-[stifled laughing] -[Olive] Oh!

I’ll thank you to mind your own business.

I'll… I’ll check it later.

Ah, I think my little Olive’s very clever.

Are you pleased with me, Arthur?

Yes it’s… It's very good.

Aw.

Yes, all right, all right.

Oh. Well I think I'll have an early night then.

[inhales]

Oh, well… I think I'm ready for bed. [clears throat]

Oh, are you sweetheart? Come on then.

-Oh, uh… Arthur. -Yep.

Don’t forget your operation. [laughs]

Will you shut up?

Come on, sweetie pie.

Oh, and another thing. We need her money. We don’t want her in the club.

C'mon then.

There you go, love. C'mon then.

Oh, thank you, Jack.

There you are, that's it down there.

-Oh, thank you, Jack. Goodbye. -All right. All the best. Ta-ta.

Hey, Jack. Arthur thinks she’s going to get her pills on the National Health.

Blimey no.

Not unless you’re under 15 or over 65.

Cor blimey. Trust the government, eh?

One way it’s illegal, the other way it’s im­possible.

[laughing]

-Evening, Mum. -Hello, love. Supper won’t be long.

Evening, Olive. How did you get on at that Family Planning place?

All right.

'Ere. I bet you found out a few things you didn’t know about, eh?

-Yes, she did. -[chuckles]

She found out she was pregnant.

What?

No, you’re kidding.

[scoffs] What, you and him? [laughs] No, it can't be.

[chuckling] Yes, it’s true, love.

Here, I'm going to be a granny and you're going to be an uncle.

Is that a fact?

Hey that's good, innit? Me an uncle, yeah?

Hey, wait a minute. That means she'll be off of work for nine months.

Five months. She's four months gawn already.

How do you make that out?

Well, you know Olive. She never could count.

Well, she got a little bit confused, love.

Yeah, well, with her shape, you’d never notice.

I've worked it all out, mate. It’s your fault.

[laughing] My fault? What the hell's it got to do with me?

It was that Saturday night you blew the telly up.

Look, the plug came adrift and I just put the wires back in.

It was you who made the wrong connection.

Blimey, you should talk!

I shall have to give up working in the canteen.

Oh well, that’s it, then, innit?

[Mum] Eh?

Well, with her wages gone, I can’t keep up all the payments.

The new washing machine'll have to go back for a start,

and half that other stuff we got on the HP.

Oh…

Oh, well, it’ll be worth it to have a little one.

Will it?

The doctor warned me that I mustn’t do anything strenuous.

Oh, and Arthur…

He said I was to tell my husband that he might have to do without a few of his…

little pleasures.

Oh, no. Whatever happens, I’m not giving up my telly.

[sighs]

Hey!

[cackling]

You stupid nit. I can't get out!

Can't you? Try driving the bus sideways.

I'll get you for this!

-[Stan and Jack laughing] -[woman groaning]

[chuckling]

I'll have you.

-I like your pink knickers. -[laughing]

Right pair of passion killers.

[Jack laughing]

That bonnet's hot.

[shouting]

-[exclaiming] -Whatever’s going on here?

That swine trapped me in my cab.

Did he?

[chuckling]

Come on, girls. Let's sort this little boy out.

Yeah.

[woman] He’s the one what done it.

-Right. Come on all of you. -Wait a minute, girls. Now look.

Now wait a minute. Now… Don't…

[excited chatter]

How about this then?

-[groaning loudly] -[laughing]

[groaning]

And again!

-[groaning] -[laughing]

What's the matter? Got the wind up?

-[air blowing] -[groaning]

-[groaning] -[laughing]

Oh… Oh! Ooh…

-Cor give us strength… Get that thing out! -Oh, I'm sorry.

-[air blowing] -[groaning loudly]

-Oh blimey, you've done it again. -All right.

Don't know what you’re worried about. It’s only blown away a few cobwebs.

Oh! Let's hope that's all it has blown away.

-Ohh! -[Laughs]

Ooh! Talk about make your eyes water!

-[chuckling] -Ooh!

Shall I give you a hand with that washing, Mum?

No, love. I can manage. You mustn't tire your­self.

You've only got a couple of months to go.

My little Olive's such a delicate child.

My god.

Stan!

Look. What do you want? I got to go.

Oh, take this washing down to the launderette for me.

Now the washing machine’s gone, I can’t manage.

Well, can’t Olive do it?

Oh no, not in her condition. All this lot?

You can’t expect her to carry a double load.

Mm. Let’s hope she’s not already carrying a double load.

-[laughing] -That is not very funny.

Well, I might have twins.

Not from Arthur, Olive. He’s too mean!

Oh, it’s no joking matter. It's a very trying time for a man.

You want to save your sarcasm for those women drivers at your depot.

You want to do something about them, mate.

I mean, every week that goes by, you’re gett­ing less and less overtime.

Yes and every week that goes by, you're getting less and less of everything.

-[laughs] -Will you shut up?

Not that you were ever fully employed in that direction.

[lighthearted music]

[chuckling]

Blimey mate, where the hell have you been?

I thought you wanted to leave early so we could drop that washing off of yours.

-Sit down, sit down there, quick. -What's the matter?

We’ve got a new cook in the canteen.

Cor and about time an' all. It’s been over three weeks since Olive left.

She's Irish.

Is she? I wonder if she can make a decent stew.

I don't know. But there’s nothing wrong with her dumplings.

[Jack chuckles] See what you mean!

[chuckling] Hey, she's been giving me the old green light.

Has she now? Well, we'll soon check up on that. Give her the old squeeze test.

On no, I can’t do that, Jack. I’ve only just met her.

Look, mate, now's your big chance. Get in quick.

-Go on, call her over. -Yeah, all right, why not.

-Er, Bridget, love. -Yes.

Oh blimey, I'm sorry about that. Look at that. I've spilt the tea darlin'.

Oh, jeez, clumsy devils you are.

Yeah, well, excuse me. I'm due out now.

Ooh!

-It's wedged, I am. -Yes. So am I.

-[laughs] -You cheeky devils.

Ooh, somebody must have been talking about me. Me ears are burning.

Cor blimey, what a lovely bit of Irish countryside, eh?

You got lost in the Moun­tains of Mourne.

I didn't get lost in the mountains, mate. I got trapped in the valley.

[laughing]

You’re well in there. Here, come on, look, we're late. Get your laundry.

Yeah, all right then, mate. [chuckles]

[whistling]

[excited chatter]

Come on then, get on. A little walk won't do you no harm.

Cor blimey, passengers!

That's all right.

-The woman said she’d pop it in for me. -Yeah.

We can pick it up on the way back.

[Stan whistling]

Look, she's waiting for me, the little darlin'. [laughs]

'Ere, how do you know her old man ain't there?

Oh, she's put out the all clear signal, see.

[Jack and Stan chuckling]

Oh, that’s good, innit?

Good? Blimey mate, it's better than you think. She’s only got three pairs.

[laughing]

Here, hang on to me clobber, will you?

I don’t want to go in there with my equipment.

There’s not much point in going in there without it!

Ah! What's the matter? Jealous, eh? [chuckling]

Oy! Don’t be too long, otherwise you won't have the stren­gth

to turn your little handle!

[laughing]

[lighthearted music]

[Stan] Oh!

[Blakey] Got you! I've got you, ain't I?

Oh! Oh hello, Blakey.

Now then. Now then, what you up to, eh?

Oh yeah, eh… Uh… I just popped in there to pick up me washing.

[Blakey] Your washing?

This is a bus you’re supposed to be driving, not a family runabout!

How dare you leave your passengers waiting here while your y-fronts

are twirling round in the spin dryer?

-Yeah, well… -Right.

-I’ll take that. -That's mine…

Come 'ere. I'm keeping that for evidence, mate.

You’re going up to see the General Manager.

Oh now, come on, Blakey, hang about.

[woman] That’s him!

He stole my washing!

Eh?

You dirty minded filthy swine.

-[woman] Give it back! -[Blakey] Oh, no!

[incoherent shouting]

What the hell's going on here?

You must have picked up the wrong bag.

Oh blimey, yeah. 'Ere, I'd better go and sort it out.

No, no, leave it. I’m enjoying this.

-[chuckling] -Yeah, you’re right. Yeah.

[Blakey grunting] No…

What’s all this about then?

Give me… Back… My… Washing!

Oh, come on, come on. What is all this about?

He pinched my laundry.

-No. -These are mine.

Oh! He must be a knicker snatcher.

Knicker snatcher?

[laughing]

Yeah. Yeah, they all look like him.

Yeah. I reckon I've seen his picture in the Sunday paper.

Are these yours?

Oh. Not exactly. I was… No, they're…

My driver’s, actually. I… Just took them off him.

[policeman] Is that right?

-[Stan] What? -[policeman] Are these yours?

[crowd laughing]

No. No, I can truthfully say, officer, I’ve never seen those before in my life.

Well, he, he doesn't do this sort of thing very often, does he, Stan?

No… Mind you, he always wears that long black mac.

Yes. And what’s he got on underneath it.

-I should like to know. -No.

Frilly pants and a black suspender belt, I bet.

[laughing]

Stop it, mate. He… He's just mucking about, officer.

Now tell him you’re mucking about now, come on.

I don’t know what you’re talk­ing about, honestly I don’t, darling.

-[Jack laughing] -Eh?

'Ere, I tell you one thing, Blakey.

[impersonating Blakey] Oh god. This has made my day.

[Stan laughing]

'Ere no, Jack, I'd better get him out of trouble.

No, leave it. Let him stew.

[laughing]

Hey, we can pick your washing up on the next trip.

All right then. [laughing]

I know your inspector, actually.

See you in court, darling.

[Stan laughing heartily]

Cor blimey, Jack, look at them women bus drivers.

You wouldn't think women could eat so much.

What makes you so certain they're women?

Eh?

Well, I mean they’re like them Russian athletes, ain’t they?

[Jack] I mean technically they're women,

but when you go into it, it’s quite different.

-I can believe that. -[chuckling]

I tell you one thing though. There’s no doubt about this one.

[Stan] Hello, darlin'. What have you got for me today?

Do you see anything you fancy?

Not half. But I’d better eat first.

Oh it’s a sinner you are, bringing temp­tation my way.

Well, you'll have my steak and kidney pie and like this.

Here, er… How about meeting me afterwards

and giving me a bit of your roly-poly?

Oh, it's the devil himself, you are.

If I hadn’t got my hands full, I'd have to cross myself again.

Well, don’t worry, darling.­ I'll do it for you.

Keep your hands away, you sex mad heathen!

[Jack] How d'you guess?

You'll have some of my treacle pudding then.

Thanks, darlin'. [kiss]

You lucky devil. You're well in there, mate.

'Ere, why don’t you take her out?

You must be joking, mate. Since this lot started 'ere, I’m dead skint.

Oh, that’s all right. Take her round to your house.

Your family goes to bed early.

Get her on the sofa in the front room there and, Bob’s your uncle.

Yeah… No.

Every time I try anything, she crosses herself.

Don’t worry. When the time comes, she'll un­cross herself.

Do you reckon so?

Look, if she's as generous with the rest

as she is with her treacle pudding, you're well in, mate.

[chuckling]

[soft music playing]

[soft moaning]

[Bridget] Oh Holy Mary. I'd have to go to confession tomorrow.

Yeah? Well, let's make your journey worthwhile.

[moaning]

[Bridget squeals]

Oh, there’s something sticking in me.

-Is there? -Well…

-Well, what is it? -Well, I don't know. What… Oh…

Ah, it’s all right. It’s Olive’s knitting.

She’s knitting 'cause she's gonna have a…

Well, she’s knitting.

-Come on. -[grunts]

-[loud snoring] -[sighs]

[Arthur continues snoring]

Arthur…

-Arthur, wake up. -[grunting]

What is it?

Arthur, I’ve got a craving.

You…

What, in your condition? Go back to sleep.

No, no, love. For pickled onions.

It’s always like that when you’re expecting. Put the light on.

Good.

Can’t you ever stop eating?

Look at ya! You must’ve put on a couple of pounds since last night.

Oh no, love. That’s my hot water bottle.

[sighs]

Oh, put those away!

Oh, now you’ve dropped it in the bed!

Eh? You clumsy great lump.

Oh, it’s all right. I'll find it.

That is not it! That is the knot in my pajama cord.

Oh, it's all right. I’ve got it.

[sighs]

I'm all on edge now. I don't think I’ll be able to get to sleep.

Well, go down and get your knitting.

Oh. All right, then.

[crunching]

[soft music playing]

[moaning]

Oh, I shouldn't be doing this. Oh, you’re the devil himself.

You shouldn't be kissing me like this.

-Shouldn't I? -No.

-Oh… -Oh, but don't stop now.

Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, Stan. I… I didn’t know you were here.

I, I, I came to get my knitting.

There’s your knitting.

Uh… How do you do? Good night.

Good night!

A pregnant woman! It’s a message.

-Eh? -It’s the Lord warning me.

She was a messenger come down from Heaven.

What are you talking about? That was my sister come down from upstairs.

It was a warning. And thank God it came in time to save the pair of us.

-Now Bridget, don’t be daft. -No, no. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.

Keep Satan away. I’d see meself out.

Bridget, this is stupid!

It's always the same.

Have you been seeing anything of Bridget lately?

No. It’s been three weeks now.

Since she saw Olive out here, she don't want to know.

[chuckling]

'Ere, talking of that, get a move on, will ya?

My little Betty's waiting for me at the turn round point.

You and your turn around Betty.

-[Jack chuckling] -[Blakey] Oy! Oy!

Hang about, you two.

-I'm switching you around. -What?

Harry's going with you to the Town's End.

Well what about me, then?

I’m putting you on the number 20 to the Gasworks.

I don’t want to go to the Gasworks.

You’ll go where you're told, mate. I’m putt­ing you with Ruby over there.

Me with 'er?

I know our drivers are normally in charge.

But for the next three days, I’m putting her under you.

You what?

I want you to give her the benefit of your experience.

Never in a million years.

You know what I mean.

Here. Where's your PSV badge?

You know the regulations! That must be worn at all times.

Yeah. Well, uh… I lost it, but… Er, I know where I can find it.

Well, have it tomorrow morning or I'll fine ya.

[Stan chuckles]

Take that silly grin off your face and get that bus out, will ya?

That's fixed you with your turn around Betty, ain't it?

-'Ere, by the way. -What do you want?

That’s where I lost it. Nip in and get it for me, will ya?

You sure you left it there?

Yeah. I must have dropped it in her bedroom.

Wasn't the only thing that was dropped there. [laughing]

[lighthearted music]

Here, uh… I've just got a call to make. I won’t be long.

Okay, Stan.

[doorbell rings]

[inhales, exhales deeply]

Oh, hello. Where's Jack?

Oh, he's been put on another route.

-Oh, has he? -Yeah.

He er… He thought he might have left his badge here

and uh… He's asked me to pick it up for him.

Oh, maybe he left it in my bedroom. I didn't see it.

You'd better come and help me look for it, hadn’t you?

-What, me? -Hmm.

Yeah, all right, then.

[sassy music]

-[Betty] Can you see it? -No.

You look very warm.

Do I? It is hot, innit?

I know. Perhaps it’s in the bed.

[clears throat]

Come here.

And help me look for it.

Stick to regulations. No standing upstairs.

Well, I…

You’re nice, aren’t you? Nicer than Jack.

[gulps] Am I… Am I?

Um… Look I can’t stop because I'm… I’m due out.

-No. Not till 9:20. -[gasping]

Oh, aren't I?

Come on, you’ve only got 12 minutes.

[chuckles nervously]

[brakes screeching]

[moaning softly]

What's the matter?

That was a bus. I'm late.

No you're not. It wasn't a bus. I'll soon see.

[Betty shrieks] Oh my god! It's my old man.

-Quickly scarper. He’ll kill you. -I haven't done anything.

I know that, but he doesn’t.

Oh god. [gasping]

Me hat, me hat, me hat, me hat! Wait a minute… Me coat.

[shouting]

Oh… Quick…

Oh, there you are. You’ve got a bloke up there, ain’t you?

[Betty] Don't be daft. What are you talking about?

I found this badge in our bedroom.

-Oh, that… -Yes, that.

I picked that up out­side.

[husband] Yes but that’s not all you picked up, is it? He's up there, ain’t he?

You suspicious swine. If you don’t believe me, go upstairs and look.

I’ll kill him.

-And look where you like. -[rapid footsteps]

[engine starting]

[shouting]

[shouting]

[excited chatter]

[passengers exclaiming]

[whistling]

Just a minute.

Follow me, Butler, will you?

What for?

General Manager wants to have a word with you.

What? What, Blakey? What about, Blakey? Blakey, Blakey what about, eh?

[chuckling] It’s about that telephone box,

and all the other damage you did the other day.

Yeah, but, I couldn't help it, I couldn't help that.

-[chuckling] -[knocks on door]

Butler, sir.

I'll er… Hello, sir. Um…

Mr. Blake… Explained what you wanted… It's a… I couldn’t help it.

Do you know you did over £200 worth of damage?

Yes, well, I did explain it, didn’t I?

You see… I got into a skid… And I couldn’t control it.

Well, the insurance company aren’t satisfied.

They say it's incompetent driving,

and they’re withdrawing your cover till you've passed the test.

The inspector knows the details.

[chuckling]

A test? What, me?

Best bit of news I’ve had for a long time, that is.

A test… This is ridiculous! Who’s going to test me? You?

Oh no, mate. Not me, no. They are.

Who’s they?

The insurance company. Oh, don't worry mate. They do it properly.

They use the London Trans­port's testing facilities.

[tires squeal]

[laughing]

Cor…

You're next, Butler. [chuckling]

Am I?

I'm going to enjoy this, mate.

I've suffered from you, god knows I've suffered.

Now this is where you're going to get your comeuppance, mate.

Ah yeah, but them London Transport buses, they're better than ours.

Yeah, so are their drivers. [laughs]

Right. We’ve completed testing.

You can use our bus over there for the next 30 minutes.

And uh… Well best of luck.

Our insurance company have asked Mr. Brooks here to do the test.

Insurance company?

Yeah, well, come on… Butler, isn't it?

Er, yes sir.

Come on. Let's get on with it.

Yes, sir.

[London Transport man] I expect you'd like to have a look at it.

Now if you’ll… Get in the cab and I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Um, er… Yes, sir, yes, sir.

Now you’ll notice that there's…

a slight difference in the controls, so I'll explain them to you.

Here we are. What about that?

This layout's not very much different to ours.

No?

All right. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do.

Yes, sir.

I want you to make two circuits.

One left-hand skid. One right-hand skid.

Yes, sir.

Now I see they've got the water started.

The red flag is up, so you can go as soon as they’re ready round the back.

Yes, sir. Thank you very much, sir. Yes, thank you, sir.

Right.

You’d better see upstairs then.

More headroom there. You go and have a look.

Well, if I'm going to go, he's going to go and all.

[engine starting]

-[Blakey] Wait! Oy wait! -[bell rings]

Wait, wait! Butler, wait!

Have you gone mad! Hey, Butler, have you gone mad?

[Blakey] Butler! I'll have ya.

[Blakey] Stop! Wait! Wait! Wait!

[tires squealing]

[Blakey] Hey! Ow!

[Blakey shouting]

[Blakey shouting] Oy!

Oh! Butler!

[groaning]

Butler! Butler… Stop!

[Blakey] Stop!

Stop!

[tires squealing]

Stop!

[shouting]

[groaning]

Well, I thought he did very well. I'll pass him.

[lighthearted music]

[clears throat]

[door closes]

[Mum] Hoo!

Evening, Mum.

-Hello, love. -Ah…

[chuckling]

[Stan] Cor blimey. Here, what's all this then?

[chuckles] It's your old high chair and your pram.

Arthur got 'em down from the loft for me.

Well, time's slipping by. It won't be long now.

Cor, by the size of Olive, the baby'll never fit in 'ere.

Oh don't, Stan. It’s bad enough with the baby kicking me all the time.

There it goes again. I hope there’s nothing wrong.

It’s probably playing football with all them pickled onions.

Oh Stan, love, look. It does look a bit shabby, dunnit?

Yeah. Getting a bit dumpy, ain't it, eh?

Well, if it weren't for them women drivers

pinching my blooming overtime, I’d chip in for a new one.

Ah, would you, Stan?

[Stan] 'Course I would.

Look at the state of it, ain't it?

-Hey. I'll tell you what I'll do. -What?

Look. I'll take them down to the depot and I'll get them done up.

They do marvels down there.

Oh good. Yes. Here, and Arthur, I was thinking. When the time comes for Olive,

how's she gonna to get to the hospital?

Well, the number 13 bus goes right past, dunnit?

But suppose the baby arrives in the night? Olive did.

[Mum] Oh, and she was a big baby.

Well, that figures.

[Mum] I'll never forget it.

I was hours having Olive.

Do you know? She was so long arriving, she was born under two birth signs.

Was she really?

Yes. Her top half’s Leo and her bottom half’s Virgo.

[chuckling]

I'll tell you what, Arthur. If there's a panic in the middle of the night,

you can run Olive to the hospital in your sidecar.

Oh, no I cannot, because the side­car's busted.

And with things the way they are, can’t afford to get it fixed.

You come outside, I'll show you.

[Stan] What’s wrong with it then?

[Arthur] Oh, I don't know about running to the hospital mate.

[Stan] …What's the matter with it?

Well, come on then. What's wrong with it?

I told you, the sidecar’s broken.

What do you mean, the sidecar’s broken? Blimey, there’s nothing wrong there. Look.

[clanking]

Cor blimey.

You stupid great nit.

You can see, can't you. Blimey, look at this here, mate.

See what's happened, can't you. Blimey, the springs are gone, look.

Well, don't worry. I tell you what I'll do, Arthur.

I'll take them down to the depot and get them fix­ed with the rest of the things.

[Stan] Yeah, they're the springs off of Arthur's motorbike.

Said that I’d get them done up for him, see. I never…

[bell dings]

Look at that. That's another four of 'em.

Blimey, if any more turn up, they'll have us outnumbered.

You're the shop steward. What's the Union doing about this?

Look, mate. I've taken it right up to the top. There's nothing they can do about it.

Under the new Act, there can be no discrimination be­tween males and females.

Well, summat's got to be done about it.

Look, I'm gonna nip these into maintenance,

then we'll have to think up some plan.

[whistling]

Hey, Nobby. Do us a favor, will you?

These springs come off my brother-in-law's motorbike.

Can you do anything with them?

-Just about had it, mate. -Have they?

Still, leave them with me.

I'll see if I can do anything with them after I've finished these signs.

Here, watch it. Blakey’s on the warpath.

What are these for then?

Oh, they're digging up the High Street again, ain't they?

'Ere, I've got an idea.

Nobby, mate, can you turn out a few of them for us?

Well, I suppose I could, why?

Listen… [voice fades away]

Thank you very much, Inspector.

See, the women are coming along very well now, sir. Yeah…

I don’t get any bother at all from them, you know.

-Oh. -[engine starts]

Right drive away then, lovey.

And watch out for your diversion. The High Street's up.

Now about next week…

[upbeat music]

What's happened then? What's gone wrong? What you come back for?

She's only been gone half a minute. What's the idea?

What sort of bus service are you running?

I followed the signs like he told me.

Signs? They’re two miles down the road in the High Street.

Haven't you told these women anything?

But the signs down the road…

Down the road? You must have been daydreaming, you stupid woman.

How can I run a bus service when you don't know where you're going?

Oh… Don’t you shout at me. I can’t bear men that shout at me.

[cries]

[woman sobbing]

All right. Inspector! Sort this out.

Eh? What?

[sobbing loudly]

My god.

[Olive] Oh! Oh! Arthur! Be careful! Be careful!

-Please! Don't! Arthur! -God!

[screams]

Oh! Don't squash it. Don't squash it.

It's only a spider!

Oh, I thought the baby was being born.

That's nothing to what I thought.

[Arthur] Here, I've got it. I've got it.

-Oh, don’t kill it! Don't kill it! -Stop screaming!

-Put it in there. -[sobbing]

Ruddy marvelous, ain’t it? Women go berserk when they see a spider.

Yeah.

[lighthearted music]

Yeah. They do, don't they?

[whistling]

Here, Jack, Jack. You sure Blakey's going to be on this bus?

Yeah, 'course he is.

Here, but one spider's not going to be much good, is it?

One? I've picked up another half a dozen since then. Look.

Ah, handsome, mate. 'Ere you go.

-Stick 'em in. -Keep your eyes peeled.

[tense music]

'Ere, watch it, mate.

[whistling]

[Stan] Hello.

[upbeat music]

[screams]

[tires screeching]

[Blakey] Get off!

[Blakey] Oh, oh god…

[groaning] Oh, me face. Oh… Oh… Ow…

[yelps] Oh, me hand, don’t!

Get out of it. Silly driver.

[woman moaning]

What happened? Can't you drive, eh?

-Oh my god. Look what you’ve done. -[sobbing]

Quick, get in the cab and let’s get away.

[shrieking] No. No. No. I can’t!

I can’t. There's… There's spiders in my cab!

What?

Spiders in my cab!

Spiders! I don’t care if you’ve got ants in your pants.

-Get in that cab and pull away, quick. -No! No, I won't!

[shrieking] I won’t.

-Oh my god. Here we go. -Who’s in charge of this bus?

I am. I suppose.

-Ah, Inspector. -Yes, sir.

-That collision with the lorry. -Yes, sir.

-Was that one of your women drivers? -Yes, sir.

But… I've given her a good telling off, sir.

You won’t have a recurrence of that incident again, sir, I assure you of that.

-There better not be. -No, sir.

It was your idea to have 'em, remember?

Yes, sir.

Only one consolation about that accident.

Oh, yes, sir? What was that?

You were the only one that got hurt!

[chuckling] Yes. Uh… Well…

Must look on the bright side of everything mustn’t we, sir? [chuckling]

Hey Fred, you seen Stan? We’re due out.

Yeah. I’ve seen him. He’s over there. Chatting up that woman driver.

[Jack] Oh, blimey. Not again.

Yeah. And as Union representative, you go over there and tell him to cut it out.

Don’t you worry, mate.

Stan, come here. I want a word with you.

Oh. I'll see you later, all right, darlin'?

Okay.

Here…

Look, you’d better turn it up. The lads don’t like you sitting with the driver.

What’s wrong?

Well, she’s a woman, or haven't you found out yet?

Don't be an idiot. 'Course I have.

I think I’ve clicked. I'm going to be all right tonight.

Stan, she’s a woman driver.

Look. One thing's nothing to do with the other.

She's coming round my place tonight and if the lads don’t like it, they can lump it.

[romantic music]

[groaning]

Oh, Stan. I don't think we should be doing this.

Eh?

I don’t think your mates'd like it.

Don’t worry about them, love. I'm not frightened of that shower.

I could take that lot on any day. Come on.

[moaning softly]

[stifled giggling]

What’s funny?

[gasping] I've just been think­ing,

this is the first time I’ve ever done this with another bus driver. [laughing]

[chuckling] Oh, Stan!

[woman] Come on.

Are you sure we won’t be interrupted?

No. They're all in bed asleep.

[moaning softly]

Stan… Close the curtains.

-Eh? -The curtains.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. Of course. The curtains.

Just a minute.

That’s better. Come on, darling.

Oh, you are getting excited. You’re all shaking. Ooh.

[spluttering] Yeah… Sally… Just a… Just a minute.

I mean. Sally, I’ve got to go outside just for a minute.

[chuckling] Oh, all right. But don’t be too long.

-No. No. I won’t. -[chuckling]

[Stan] Here.

What are all you lot doing 'ere?

Look, mate, you have been warned.

The lads won't stand for you fraternizing with a woman bus driver.

-[chattering] -But look, Jack. Listen, mate.

Look… If that bird isn’t out of here in ten seconds, the lads is going to do you.

-[chattering] -Ten seconds!

Starting from now.

But Jack, mate, ten seconds!

Nine, eight…

All right. All right. All right.

-Seven, six… -All right. All right.

-Sally… -Come on, let's not waste…

[moaning]

No. You must stop… you must stop it. Stop it.

Oh, we can’t stop now.

You’ve got to go, honest.

-Go? -Yes.

Here’s your coat.

-You’re joking! -No, I’m not. It’s just that I can't.

Can’t!

Well… well, I can. But I can't. It'll have to be some other time.

There won’t be another time!

But Sally… Sally!

Sorry.

All right, Stan, bring it out.

[upbeat music]

Look at that, Jack. Great, ain't it, eh?

Yeah, that's lovely.

You wouldn't think that was Olive's old pram, would ya?

We've fitted it out with the lot, Stan. There’s a bell cord.

Just the thing for a busman's family. When it wants to go, it rings twice.

-[chuckling] -[bell dings]

-[Stan] Hold very tight there. -[bell dings]

[chuckles] Stan! Oh, ain't it beautiful, eh?

Here, you'd never think this was your old pram, would you, love?

No.

You like it, eh? You wait till you see the rest.

Arthur's giving Jack a hand with them.

-Mind your backs there, please. -Come on Olive, move up.

There you are. There's the high chair.

Oh! It matches the pram.

-Oh! So does the cot. -[Arthur] There we are.

And by a very strange coincidence, they match the color of our buses.

[chuckling]

I've got something else to show you. Look.

-Look at that. [chuckling] -Oh!

They've even painted the little potty red.

Yeah. Hey, they've even put one of our bus signs on it. Look, Arthur.

[chuckling]

Oh, Stan, just think. My little Olive's botty once sat on that.

The mind boggles.

Here, Arthur mate, we’ve got the springs for your motorbike here.

Oh. Thanks very much.

Hey, what do you think of them, mate? Done special.

Yeah, they’re quite nice.

Quite nice? Why you ungrateful…

Er, Stan, it’s five o’clock. We’re due back.

Oh! I almost forgot. It’s time to take my pill.

[chuckles] You've left it too late, love.

-[chuckling] -I’ll get you some water.

Don't be so rude.

It's not for that. It’s to keep my weight down. Makes me lose liquid.

Yeah. Taking them, she has to spend a penny every ten minutes.

That's a bit much, innit?

Not for her. It's only five minutes more often than usual.

-[chuckles] -Says a diuretic. Well, I never.

-Here, Stan, mate. -What?

Those pills have given me an idea.

[lighthearted music]

Heads up, here they are.

[Stan] Oh.

Hello, girls! No, don't queue, darlings. Teas are on us today.

Sit down. We'll get 'em for you.

-[woman 1] Oh thank you, Stan. -[woman 2] How nice!

-That’s all right. -Thank you ever so much.

[Stan] Thanks, darling. Thank you.

Okay, no one's looking. Got the pills?

Yeah. Hang on a minute.

Oh, hello, darlings. Sit down, the teas are on us today.

-Oh, ta very much. -[Stan] Oh, it's our pleasure.

Blimey she’s a size, ain’t she?

I'll give her an extra two. She looks as though she needs 'em.

-[chuckling] -[inhales, sighs]

-All right? -Yep.

Here we are, darlings. Here you are, here's your tea.

Help yourselves, help yourselves.

[indistinct chatter]

[Stan] Ah, well…

Now we… Always like to make people feel at home, you know.

-[woman] Lovely. -Hello, Blakey.

[grunts]

Settling down together, are we? Of course, I knew you would eventually, but…

Cup of tea, Inspector? Here, you can have mine if you like.

No. No, uh… It's all right. I'll get you one, Blakey.

No, no, no, Stan. No. Let Blakey have it if he wants to.

I mean there's plenty more where that came from, ain't there ?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Now then, Blakey, yes, you take that one.

-And… I'll get you another one, love. -Ta.

[Stan] Cup of tea then, sweetheart.

Thanks very much.

Hmm, very nice, that. Slightly different flavor to usual mind.

[clears throat]

Nothing like a nice cup of tea to keep you going, is there?

No. And I bet that one will.

[upbeat music]

Here. Here, have… Have either of you seen the inspector?

-No, sir.. -Not at all, Governor.

Mr. Blake. Mr. Blake!

[Blakey] Coming, sir.

What's going on?

Buses held up, left unattended, traffic at a standstill.

I've had complaints all over. Now I’ve got one about indecent exposure.

Well, I can't under­stand it, sir.

l can only put it down to this cold spell we've been having, sir.

I don't care what caused it. You're responsible for these women.

In future you, ruddy well see to it that they take their,

pre­cautions, before they leave the depot.

-What, me, sir? -You sir!

-[playful music plays] -Oh…

Oh my god… You'll have to excuse me, sir. I gotta go.

[Stan] All right, sit down there.

Here you are, love.

Here's a few things I thought you might like for the journey to the hospital,

for your checkup.

Do you mind, Ma? We've had enough difficulties squeezing her in.

Shove them in the back.

Yeah, we’ll need a tin opener to get her out.

-[Mum] There you are, love. -[Olive] I'll be all right, Mum.

All right. Come on, love. Look, here’s a nice cushion. Get her up.

There you are. That’s it.

Here. She can’t go without this.

What, she want a drink?

No! That’s not a drink.

What is it?

Well, it's what she got to take to the hospital.

[laughing]

Oh yeah. Well, you can’t go to the hospital without that, can you?

-[Mum] Oh, Stan! -[Stan chuckling]

Right. Get on, Arthur. Start her up, mate.

[cranking]

[engine starts]

That’s it. Right. Off you go. Go on.

It won’t move!

-Well, let the clutch out. -I have let the clutch out.

Well, why ain't it going?

I don't know why it doesn't…

Oh, blimey. Olive's weight has lifted the back wheel off the ground.

All right, I'll give you a bit of a hand then.

-[shouting] -[grunting]

Will you leave off!

Here, wait a minute. I've got a better idea.

Tell you what I'll do, Arthur. I'll ride pillion, and that'll balance it up.

Are you sure it'll be all right, Stan? You know I get sick in a car.

Look, darling, you’ve got bus springs underneath you.

You're gonna have a very comfortable ride.

Righto, love.

-Right. Hey, Arthur, wait a minute. -[shouting]

-[Mum] Ta-ta! -[Stan] Yes, so long, Mum!

[chattering]

[upbeat music]

-Hey. Ain't it a bit dodgy? -What?

Blimey.

Babies.

What’s happened?

What’s happened? Look mate, look at this here, look.

-Oh! I’m getting pains. -You what?

You and your ruddy springs!

It’s nothing to do with my springs, mate.

It’s your rotten bike, it's falling to bits.

I’m getting regular pains. I think the baby’s coming!

You what? It can't, not here!

-Quick get her to hospital. Quick. -Oh.

What you got in here that you can hold it together with?

Oh!

'Ere, listen. I'll twist this bit of wire round it for the time being.

Go down Traps Lane, we’ll get her there in five minutes.

All right. All right. Get on with it.

-It’s all right, my love. -Oh!

It’s all right. We’ll have you there in no time.

-All done? -Yes, it's all right. All right.

All right then, darlin'? I'll hold on to the side­car, you hold your breath.

-Here we go. -Right.

[engine starting]

[Arthur] Hold on.

[shouting]

Arthur!

[shouting]

[Arthur] Where's she gone?

[groaning]

-Hold it, hold it, hold it! -[groaning]

You all right, sunshine?

I think the baby's coming any minute.

-The what? -Get me out!

Get that door open.

I can't. It's jammed, you idiot!

Well, let’s try lifting her out then. Very gently, very gently. There we are.

-Easy does it. -You all right, sunshine.

One, two, three, up.

[groaning]

-And another one. -Hold on. One, two, three, up.

[groaning] Ooh. I can’t.

[grunting]

No. It’s no good. The only way you’ll get out is to hatch out.

-[groaning] -Oh, sorry, love. I didn't mean that.

Shall I go for an ambulance?

No, don’t be daft. We haven't got time for that.

Eh… Let’s get her on that bus.

What, go by bus?

Look, I know the driver. I'll tell him to get cracking. We’ll soon get there.

It's all right. He won't be long, love. He'll have you there in a minute.

[lighthearted music]

[playful music playing]

[shouting]

Here. Here. Quick. My wife’s about to have a baby.

I'll get them to prepare the delivery room then.

Here, no, no. We’re gonna need a hammer and chisel.

Bring that out. Bring it out. Come on. Give us a hand.

-[groaning] -[incoherent dialogues]

[shouting]

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

[bell dinging]

What are you doing here? This is a motorway.

I was diverted. There was a sign.

Oh my god. Not you and all. You women are always seeing signs.

Well, you can’t drive on here, can ya?

Come on. I'll have to reverse you back up on the road.

Here, come on. Get moving. You can't stop here.

It’s all right, yes, it’s a mistake actually, officer.

We’re just going to reverse back up on the road there.

Reverse? Oh no you’re not. Once on here, keep moving.

You’ll have to turn round at the next intersection.

Well how far's that then?

About 20 miles up the road.

Oh, well that’s ridiculous, innit. We're going.

Are you moving or do you want me to book you?

Eh? No, no. No, no, no.

Now get back on your bus and drive away.

[lighthearted music]

[cheering]

[laughing]

[laughing heartily]

I’ve been three hours on this bus and I only wanted to go to Tesco’s.

I'm sorry, madam, but hurry along, you’ll find they’re still open up the street.

Here, where you been, Blakey? Taking them on a mystery tour, eh?

[chuckling snidely]

I tell you what, you had us worried.

I thought you two had nipped off to Gretna Green.

[laughing]

Now don’t you start!

I've had just about as much as I am going to take from anyone, I'll tell ya.

-[Governor] Inspector Blake! -Eh, sir.

Where the hell have you been?

Well, sir… it was a bit of a slight mistake, sir.

Oh, I see. It was one of your precious little darlings driving, eh?

Now come with me. I want a full report of this.

You’ve… You know you’ve broken a record, don’t you?

No. What’s that?

Even I've never been two hours late.

[laughing]

Get out.

[whistling]

[bell dings]

-Morning, Jack. -Oh, morning, mate.

'Ere, er, how’s Olive getting on?

Oh, fine. Hey, I went to see her in hospital last night.

She’s got a beautiful bounc­ing baby. Thirteen pounds, twelve ounces.

Cor blimey. What is it, a baby elephant?

[laughing] She's coming out tomorrow.

Oh good. How’s she looking?

Well, you know Olive. Looks the same size as when she went in.

-[chuckling] Here, Stan. -What?

-[Jack] That’s your Sally. -[Stan] Oh yeah.

What’s she doing with a ticket machine on?

I don’t know. Here, Sally, love.

Yeah?

Hey, er… You changed your job then?

Yeah. I couldn't stand working with those old frumps.

Besides… I didn't have any fun being a driver.

[Stan] Woo hoo.

Here, Stan. You know what she is now, don't you?

Yeah, a clippie.

She's crumpet, mate. She's available!

Oh, yeah.

Hey, I did all right with her last time, didn’t I?

[chuckling]

[bell dings]

Here, Jack, here, do you know what I’m gonna do?

I’m gonna chat her up and get her round to my house tonight.

Well, I hope you do better with her than you done with that.

-[laughing] -[bell dings]

-Well, what do you expect? -Come on.

-[Stan] Coochy coochy… -[Arthur] I am delighted.

Just fancy me being an uncle, eh. I'll see you at home, love.

Isn’t he a lovely baby, Jack?

Jack, quite bonny, isn't he?

Yeah. You sure you’ve got the right one?

Oh, Jack! Here, come on, love. Come to Gran.

That's my baby.

Righto, love. That's it. Here we are.

Olive… Cases.

[chuckling]

[bell dings]

Come on, Sally, how about it?

I don’t think there's any point. Not after what happened at your place.

Look, I keep telling you, the lads would have killed me if you had stayed.

Cor blimey, they wasn’t half worked up.

I know how they felt.

Look, it'll be different this time.

Well, I’ll think about it.

Honest?

Yeah, I'll think about it.

All right then. Look, I got to go now 'cause I’ve got to sign on.

[Stan] Er… Coming, Jack?

Here, how you doing?

[clears throat] Well, eh… it’ll take its time, you know.

Time? Blimey, mate, you’re joking. She’s panting for it.

Look, you can’t rush these things, mate. I know women. It’ll wait.

I know women a lot better than you.

Look, when I’ve got a bird who’s playing hard to get,

I go straight round to her house with a big bunch of flowers.

When she opens the door, I thrust it straight into her hand.

It never fails, mate.

Look mate, I’m not making a fool of my­self.

You do it your way. I'll do it mine. Okay?

[baby crying loudly]

Can't you keep that child quiet?

[crying]

Shh. You'll upset him.

[Stan] Hello, Mum. I'm home.

I said, I'm home!

Don't shout, love. You'll upset the baby.

Upset him! Blimey, he sounds upset already.

-[Olive] Shh. Poor little darling. -[crying]

Oh, he's gone all quiet.

Eh? What?

Hey, Mum… Mum, where’s my clean shirt? I am going out.

Oh, I haven't had time to wash anything for you.

Not with my little treasure to look after. You’ll have to wash it yourself.

-Wash it meself? -Shhh.

Listen, I want a clean pair of pants and a vest too.

I presume you have a date with some bird.

[shouts] Mind your own business!

Don’t shout! You’ll upset the baby!

[crying]

There, what did I tell you?

Well, what's the matter with him? Why is he always yelling?

Oh, wait a minute. I know. Here. I've got it.

There. Look, I got it from the chemist's.

Gripe water for his stomach. That’s what he needs.

[Olive] Oh. Thank you.

There, never mind. Never mind.

You stupid great lump. What on earth do you think you're doing?

Rubbing it into his stomach.

[Olive grunts]

You’re supposed to put it in through his mouth, not his belly button.

Oh!

-Does it matter? -Does it matter?

Look, where’s my shirt?

-I don’t know. -Oh god.

-Arthur, get us a spoon, love. -All right.

Oh, look at it! Right at the bottom all screwed up!

[Arthur] Get out of the way.

I won’t be able to wash it. I have to just rub it over with the iron. I'm late.

All right, rub it over with the iron, then.

There we are.

Oh ta, love.

-There you are, Daddy'll hold you. -Eh?

Take him a minute.

-Mind his head. -Uh…

Cor blimey. He’s a weight, isn't he?

There we are, my little fellow.

Here, Olive, I'm going to put all these things in soak. Where’s that dirty nappy?

Uh… Oh, I thought I put it on one of the chairs.

You careless great idiot. I told you not to leave them lying about!

Here, Ma. Take the baby.

I shall have to go up and change my trousers.

Oh well, it’s no use losing your temper, love.

You've got to expect things like this when you've got a little baby.

I find this all most unpleasant. And a great strain.

[scoffs] Well, you didn't think that when you took your pleasure.

I did.

[bell ringing]

[bell ringing]

[Stan whispering] Sally.

Sally!

-[knocks] -Oy!

Oy!

Innit marvelous, eh? I do all the driving and he comes along and punches her ticket.

Ta, love.

Oh come on, Stan. For god’s sake, forget about it. It’s only another bird.

Why don’t you get out of it?

Friends? I tell you something, mate, it’s taught me a lesson.

Yeah, me and all. Next time I go to bed with a bird, I'll draw the curtains first.

[chuckling]

Heads up, Blakey.

Oh blimey, not another notice.

I’d better have a butcher’s.

What’s it say then, Blakey?

-Read it for yourself. -All right then.

Hey, Stan, mate, come here. This'll cheer you up, look.

"As from the end of this week, the management have decided

to discontinue the use of women drivers."

-[chuckling] We won. -[cheering]

[chuckles] You see, Blakey, we told you it wouldn’t work.

What you going to do? Sack 'em?

No. We’re not gonna sack 'em.

All those girls are going to be offered alternative employment within the company.

Well, come on! Don't sit there laying about.

Some of yous is late enough as it is. Now come on, get them buses out.

Just a minute. All in our own time.

You can’t boss us about now, you know.

[Stan chuckling]

-Have a nut, Jack? -Oh, ta.

"Britain's number one nut." Cor blimey, they never met him.

[laughing]

Oh I hate yous two.

I'll get even with you, you’ll see!

[groaning]

[laughing]

Come on. Come on. Don't hurry yourself, will you? I'm waiting for yous two.

All right. What’s it all about then?

Well… As you can see, my… My promo­tion has come through…

Been made Chief Inspector.

Cor blimey, look at that. Here, Blakey, I like your yellow braid.

[chuckling] Suits him, doesn’t it, Stan?

Oh, thanks very much.

Yeah. Matches your teeth.

[laughing]

Shut up you!

Now pay attention, all of yous.

The management in their infinite wisdom

have decided that because of the staff shortage,

bus crews must be used more efficiently.

There's going to be more checking and more supervision.

There’s going to be four new inspectors on your route for a start.

Uh, inspectors Wilson, Hughes…

Williams and Brown.

[dramatic music]

Right. You can take over now.

-You’re kidding. -Women inspectors?

Oh, now you’re joking, ain't you, Blakey?

Oh, no. No… It was all my idea, actually.

I think I shall enjoy life from now onwards.

For a start, we’ve decided to separate you two.

-What? -Yes.

Yes. Keep you two troublemakers apart.

Oh, well, that's that, then. I'm not standing for that.

I've got a good mind to pack in the job.

You're right there, Jack. Me work under women? Huh. You’ve had that, mate.

[dramatic music]

Get them buses out, then. Come on, get 'em out!

Uh, if you ladies follow me and I'll show…

-Stan Butler? -Yeah.

I've been put on your bus.

-Have you? -I'm your new clippie.

Are you?

I'm new here, so you will let me know what you want me to do.

I’ll do everything you say.

Will you?

Come on, mate. Let’s go and get our cards.

Uh, no, no. Uh…

I think we better give it a chance, don’t you?

-I mean, see how things work out. -You what?

Uh, um… Darling, I'm late getting the bus out.

You’d better see me out in the depot, love.

You're not going to stand for that, are you?

We can't work under them.

Look, mate, we got to give it a try, ain't we?

Besides, you know what you're always saying ought to be done to inspectors.

Now's your chance to do it.

Now you put the time of the bus leaving the depot,

and the name of the driver which in this case 'appens to be Butler.

[woman] That bus coming out there?

[men shouting]

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

-♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪ -[Blakey] Butler!

-[chuckling] -♪ We're on our way ♪

♪ There's so much feeling on the buses ♪

♪ As people fumble for their fare ♪

♪ It always happens in the crushes ♪

♪ They take their chances When it's there ♪

♪ It's so exciting on the buses ♪

♪ When someone's fumbling close to you ♪

♪ But when the traffic jam's in rushes ♪

♪ There's little else to do ♪

♪ There's always gay life on the buses ♪

♪ Make sure you leave your bird at home ♪

♪ You'll see so many on the buses ♪

♪ You won't be sitting on your own ♪

♪ It's so romantic on the buses ♪

♪ You'll find it thrilling when you ride ♪

♪ And you can get it on the buses ♪

♪ Upstairs or down inside ♪

♪ Oh, it's a great life on the buses ♪

♪ No matter what the time of day ♪

♪ You'll see the world all on the buses ♪

♪ We're on our way ♪