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All language subtitles for Love Or Whatever.2012.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:07,220 --> 00:00:09,340 So what happened after that? 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:09,380 --> 00:00:11,300 I was attacked. 5 00:00:11,340 --> 00:00:12,740 I am so sorry. 6 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,500 By a mountain lion. 7 00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:16,140 Oh my God. 8 00:00:16,140 --> 00:00:17,740 Big, muscular guy. 9 00:00:17,740 --> 00:00:21,820 The park ranger said he was attracted to my perfume. 10 00:00:21,860 --> 00:00:23,820 You know, I smelled that when you came in. 11 00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:26,100 It was very unusual. What is it? 12 00:00:26,140 --> 00:00:27,900 Mountain lion urine. 13 00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:29,100 Oh. 14 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,860 Have you ever been taken from behind by a mountain lion? 15 00:00:33,580 --> 00:00:35,380 I cannot say that I have. 16 00:00:35,420 --> 00:00:36,820 It wasn't half bad. 17 00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:42,540 We're going to need a lot more sessions. 18 00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:44,660 This changed me, Corey! 19 00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:48,140 He dragged me to his cave! 20 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:51,380 I've had worse dates. 21 00:00:51,420 --> 00:00:53,380 So, two times a week? 22 00:00:53,420 --> 00:00:55,780 I never knew it could be like that. 23 00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:58,260 His tongue was like sandpaper. 24 00:00:58,980 --> 00:01:01,420 He polished me down there. 25 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:04,220 Like a bowling ball. 26 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:07,220 Let's make it three. 27 00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:14,740 * * * 28 00:01:45,420 --> 00:01:47,420 [Locks door] 29 00:02:19,620 --> 00:02:22,660 Oh yes, yes! 30 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:25,820 [Moaning] 31 00:02:29,860 --> 00:02:34,180 Almost, almost... yes! Yes! 32 00:02:35,340 --> 00:02:37,180 Was it worth the wait? 33 00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:45,940 Here - buy yourself something pretty. 34 00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:50,620 Oh - but hurry home, sweetie. 35 00:02:50,660 --> 00:02:52,460 I don't want to miss "Housewives." 36 00:02:54,460 --> 00:02:55,940 Yes, dear. 37 00:03:08,580 --> 00:03:10,460 Excuse me - may I help you? 38 00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:15,980 I'd like to make an appointment. 39 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:20,220 * * * 40 00:03:21,460 --> 00:03:22,780 Change! 41 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:26,180 Hey, buddy, you got a little change? 42 00:03:26,220 --> 00:03:28,180 Actually, I gave at the office. 43 00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:30,380 Really, coffee business is that bad? 44 00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:31,740 Are you finally gonna do it? 45 00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:33,940 I have the rings right here. 46 00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:36,300 You've been carrying them around for three months! 47 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:39,180 What are you waiting for, man-opause? 48 00:03:40,060 --> 00:03:42,700 I'll do it before I'm 30! 49 00:03:42,740 --> 00:03:44,700 Three more months? Whatever! 50 00:03:44,740 --> 00:03:46,700 It's got to be perfect! 51 00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:48,620 I actually have it all mapped out. 52 00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:49,740 As usual! 53 00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:51,820 Kelse, this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. 54 00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:53,660 Not for our parents. 55 00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,140 Well, thank God I'm not our parents! 56 00:03:55,180 --> 00:03:56,980 You're right, our parents would never wear... 57 00:03:57,020 --> 00:03:59,180 ZEBRA-STRIPED THONGS! 58 00:03:59,220 --> 00:04:00,460 Shut up! 59 00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:01,900 Poor little baby zebra, 60 00:04:01,940 --> 00:04:04,300 Oh, I bet his mommy misses it! 61 00:04:04,300 --> 00:04:07,940 I actually freed the zebra, about an hour ago. 62 00:04:07,980 --> 00:04:11,380 At the office? Dirty little whore! 63 00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,180 I know, it's unprofessional, 64 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:15,020 But my heart was in the right place. 65 00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:17,020 Yeah, that's not your heart. 66 00:04:17,060 --> 00:04:19,020 I believe it's connected to my heart. 67 00:04:19,060 --> 00:04:21,580 This "perfect moment" thing has gone on long enough! 68 00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:24,260 If you don't ask him tonight, I'm going to ask him for you. 69 00:04:24,300 --> 00:04:26,780 Don't, please, you're going to mess it up. 70 00:04:26,820 --> 00:04:28,260 I will if you make me! 71 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,100 Ow, seriously? 72 00:04:29,140 --> 00:04:31,100 I'm going to call him at 6:00 AM. 73 00:04:31,140 --> 00:04:32,860 Either I'll say congratulations, 74 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:34,700 Or I'm popping the question. 75 00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:37,620 Okay! I'll ask... him. 76 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:40,620 I'll ask him! 77 00:04:40,660 --> 00:04:42,620 Tonight? Pinky swear! 78 00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:44,420 Don't wait for the perfect moment. 79 00:04:44,460 --> 00:04:47,860 Sometimes love happens when you're making other plans. 80 00:04:50,180 --> 00:04:55,020 I don't, uh... believe in zebras. 81 00:04:55,060 --> 00:04:57,140 Thongs, I don't wear... 82 00:05:00,060 --> 00:05:02,260 I hooked dad up with some stuff to take care of it... 83 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,380 Babe, I'm home! 84 00:05:05,460 --> 00:05:13,700 Yeah mom, I'll tell him... Yeah, I'll tell him. 85 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,940 Mom says to tell you that she loves you. 86 00:05:16,980 --> 00:05:19,900 And that the housewives are shameless hussies. 87 00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:22,860 Well, you tell that hussy I love her too. 88 00:05:22,900 --> 00:05:23,980 And dad! 89 00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:26,020 He loves you, too. And dad. 90 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,740 Yeah, dad, just as a friend. 91 00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:31,620 [Hangs up] 92 00:05:33,260 --> 00:05:35,700 Hey, where's dinner, I thought you were going to make 93 00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,100 That French cuisine thing. 94 00:05:37,140 --> 00:05:39,420 Pigeon... foie gras! 95 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,100 The market was fresh out of pigeon. 96 00:05:42,100 --> 00:05:43,020 And I made brownies. 97 00:05:45,180 --> 00:05:47,100 What are you, like, 15? 98 00:05:47,140 --> 00:05:49,940 From scratch, I'm not a savage! 99 00:05:49,940 --> 00:05:51,220 There's an order to the food universe. 100 00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:53,940 Brownies are reserved for special occasions. 101 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:55,940 Parties, birthdays... 102 00:05:55,980 --> 00:05:58,580 Well, we'll party on your birthday, then. 103 00:05:58,620 --> 00:06:00,620 I've got soccer practice, 7:30. 104 00:06:00,620 --> 00:06:01,700 Dinner! 105 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,500 Relax - mama ordered us a pizza. 106 00:06:03,540 --> 00:06:05,700 Well, I'm starving. It better get here soon. 107 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,660 I've got something you can snack on. 108 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,660 Oh, baby! 109 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:13,940 [Sheep ringtone] 110 00:06:13,980 --> 00:06:15,460 I have to take this. 111 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,660 I've got something you have to take... 112 00:06:17,700 --> 00:06:18,660 Give it a rest, this is a client! 113 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,300 It's always a client. 114 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:21,460 Five minutes. 115 00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:27,020 Hello? Okay, calm down... 116 00:06:27,060 --> 00:06:29,820 No, it's fine that you called. 117 00:06:29,860 --> 00:06:30,980 Baby! 118 00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:35,500 Woah, slow down! Deep breaths... 119 00:06:35,540 --> 00:06:38,540 Tell me what happened... deep breaths... 120 00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:41,820 Okay, go to your happy place, somewhere tropical... 121 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:42,900 Pizza! 122 00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:45,220 My wallet is in my coat pocket! 123 00:06:45,260 --> 00:06:48,300 Alright, where are you? Keep breathing... 124 00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:50,100 [Knocking] 125 00:06:50,140 --> 00:06:52,100 - No it isn't! - Yes it is! 126 00:06:52,140 --> 00:06:55,940 Keep breathing... Positively fantasize, good. 127 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:57,620 And call me back in five minutes. 128 00:06:57,660 --> 00:06:59,340 Alright, okay, bye. 129 00:06:59,340 --> 00:07:00,540 [Knocking] 130 00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:01,820 You gonna get that? 131 00:07:01,860 --> 00:07:05,180 Oh, shoot, I'm sorry, I know you hate it when I do that. 132 00:07:05,180 --> 00:07:09,020 My wallet's actually right here, in my... 133 00:07:09,060 --> 00:07:10,220 Pants. 134 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,740 Hey! Jumbo extra sausage? 135 00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,180 Yes, please! 136 00:07:15,140 --> 00:07:17,100 You're not the regular guy. 137 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:18,780 Yeah, Jimbo hurt his back. 138 00:07:18,820 --> 00:07:19,660 I can see why. 139 00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:22,260 Do I smell brownies? 140 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:24,980 Yeah - just, how much is this gonna cost me? 141 00:07:25,020 --> 00:07:28,020 It's all good, bro, I just need to see the card. 142 00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:34,140 Alright, thank you guys so much. 143 00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:35,660 Have a good night. 144 00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:36,540 [Door slams] 145 00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:39,220 "It's all good, bro?" What an asshole! 146 00:07:39,260 --> 00:07:40,540 What's gotten into you? 147 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:42,260 I'm more worried about who's getting into you. 148 00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,260 Why are you always flirting with these straight guys? 149 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,260 I wasn't flirting, he just wasn't what I expected. 150 00:07:46,300 --> 00:07:47,460 I put the tip on the card. 151 00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:48,900 What were the ones for, a lap dance? 152 00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:50,460 Woah, are you jealous? 153 00:07:50,460 --> 00:07:52,260 Of the pizza guy? 154 00:07:52,260 --> 00:07:55,340 I'd better get to practice, I want to get an early start. 155 00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:57,460 There's some new plays I need to learn, and... 156 00:07:58,580 --> 00:08:02,060 But we had plans - it was date night. 157 00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,460 You had plans. 158 00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:11,140 * * * 159 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,180 Keep that coming, my man! 160 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:43,740 I hate these places. 161 00:08:44,780 --> 00:08:48,780 A friend told me I should get out more often. 162 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,660 You know, be more social. 163 00:08:53,540 --> 00:08:55,700 With a rack like that, you don't exactly look 164 00:08:55,740 --> 00:08:57,620 Like you have a hard time making friends. 165 00:08:57,660 --> 00:08:58,700 Wow. 166 00:09:01,220 --> 00:09:03,940 If you were hitting on me, that's not a good open. 167 00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:04,700 Sorry. 168 00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:08,540 It's been a long time since I've, uh... 169 00:09:11,340 --> 00:09:16,060 - Fifteen years. - Fifteen years?! 170 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:17,700 Jeez! 171 00:09:18,980 --> 00:09:20,340 Fifteen years ago, I was like still... 172 00:09:20,380 --> 00:09:21,780 Okay, I'm going to stop you 173 00:09:21,820 --> 00:09:25,180 Before you tell me how old you were when Kurt Cobain died. 174 00:09:25,220 --> 00:09:26,820 Who's Kurt Cobain? 175 00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:30,980 Look at you! 176 00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:32,980 I asked for that. 177 00:09:33,020 --> 00:09:35,580 Let's start over. Let me buy you a drink. 178 00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:45,660 - They're real. - What?! 179 00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:52,460 Jesus, where have you been, in prison? 180 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:55,220 In a relationship that didn't involve boobs! 181 00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:57,420 Yeah, me too! 182 00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:58,660 Awesome! 183 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,780 - Boom! - Boom! 184 00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:05,220 - Boobs! - Boobs! 185 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:10,300 And then, I got... I got married. 186 00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:14,460 When I was 23. Biggest mistake of my life. 187 00:10:16,820 --> 00:10:20,260 I mean, he seemed perfect. He was a musician. 188 00:10:20,300 --> 00:10:22,380 He had lots of money. 189 00:10:23,340 --> 00:10:25,300 And I was so hot! 190 00:10:25,340 --> 00:10:28,220 And now, I'm alone, and... 191 00:10:28,220 --> 00:10:30,300 And you're still hot! 192 00:10:34,260 --> 00:10:37,220 I'll bet you say that to all the girls. 193 00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:39,220 You'd be surprised. 194 00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:42,820 Okay... sailor! 195 00:10:42,860 --> 00:10:44,700 Surprise me! 196 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:51,580 * * * 197 00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:57,540 [Moaning] 198 00:10:58,780 --> 00:11:01,260 Oh my... what?! 199 00:11:03,060 --> 00:11:04,860 [Car horn] 200 00:11:09,220 --> 00:11:13,660 Hey, slow... Jesus Christ! 201 00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:17,020 I'm not a grudge fuck! 202 00:11:23,340 --> 00:11:24,780 Where'd you go? 203 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:28,980 Where were you just now? 204 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,140 Usually you look into my eyes, it's my favorite thing. 205 00:11:32,180 --> 00:11:34,980 It's when I feel most connected to you. 206 00:11:35,020 --> 00:11:36,380 I'm sorry, it... 207 00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:38,380 Are you still made about the pizza guy? 208 00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:40,380 God no, I'm sorry for being such a prick. 209 00:11:40,420 --> 00:11:41,820 No - it was all me. 210 00:11:42,820 --> 00:11:45,340 All the pheremones, and the brownies, and... 211 00:11:45,380 --> 00:11:47,660 The sausage fumes, I just lost my head. 212 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:49,660 Look, this was a trainwreck night. 213 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:53,060 - Let's forget it happened. - Definitely. 214 00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:54,620 [Text message tone] 215 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:05,740 I think I know something that might make it better. 216 00:12:05,780 --> 00:12:08,420 There's something I need to tell you. 217 00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:10,780 - Corey... - Jon... 218 00:12:10,820 --> 00:12:13,900 - Will you marry me? - I think I'm bisexual. 219 00:12:13,940 --> 00:12:17,420 What? You're... wait. 220 00:12:17,460 --> 00:12:22,380 You think you're - oh honey, why would you think that? 221 00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,340 What did you do? 222 00:12:31,140 --> 00:12:33,140 It's more of a "who." 223 00:12:33,140 --> 00:12:34,460 You cheated?! 224 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,420 Calm down, it's not like I planned it, it just... 225 00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:38,300 Happened, and she was there... 226 00:12:38,340 --> 00:12:40,860 SHE?! You put your... in a... 227 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:43,380 There is no way, there is no fucking way. 228 00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:45,380 Come on, you know I dated girls in high school. 229 00:12:45,420 --> 00:12:46,940 Bullshit! I date girls in high school. 230 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:48,020 We watched Buffy, 231 00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:50,260 And french-kissed posters of James Van Der Beek. 232 00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:52,060 Yeah, well on my dates, we didn't watch Buffy! 233 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:53,460 How are you bi? 234 00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:56,100 You're like the least curious person I've ever known. 235 00:12:56,140 --> 00:12:57,420 Would you just listen? 236 00:12:57,460 --> 00:12:59,460 No, I have literally no idea who you are right now! 237 00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:02,540 And who is this woman, that you allegedly fucked? 238 00:13:02,580 --> 00:13:05,340 And does she know you're gay? 239 00:13:05,340 --> 00:13:06,940 Or maybe, like... flexi-sexual. 240 00:13:06,980 --> 00:13:09,460 I'm not sure yet! I don't want to define it! 241 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,140 Oh Jesus, no, that would mean you'd have to make 242 00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,380 A commitment! 243 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:13,740 And there it is - you have been pressuring me, 244 00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:16,180 And nagging me, and suffocating me... 245 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,060 So this is my fault? I turned you bi? 246 00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,420 I was upset! 247 00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:22,460 I was drunk, and upset, and I had... these feelings! 248 00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:23,980 Oh God no, feelings! 249 00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:27,140 And these rings, and the pizza guy, and you're always busy... 250 00:13:27,180 --> 00:13:33,700 Woah... rings? 251 00:13:33,740 --> 00:13:36,420 You knew? 252 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:39,980 - Baby, I love you... - Don't touch me. 253 00:13:40,020 --> 00:13:44,540 You knew I was going to propose to you. 254 00:13:44,580 --> 00:13:46,540 And you did this. 255 00:13:46,580 --> 00:13:48,220 I've got to hand it to you, mister. 256 00:13:48,220 --> 00:13:49,700 That is the most creative fucking way 257 00:13:49,740 --> 00:13:51,700 I've ever heard of avoiding a proposal. 258 00:13:51,740 --> 00:13:54,460 They are going to love this at the gay bridal shop! 259 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:57,820 I was scared, okay? I found them and freaked out. 260 00:13:57,860 --> 00:14:01,340 Everything just started closing in on me! 261 00:14:01,380 --> 00:14:03,340 Oh God, save me from happiness! 262 00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:05,340 Christ, I'm only 27! 263 00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:07,900 I'm not ready to become my goddamn parents, 264 00:14:07,940 --> 00:14:09,260 That's not what I want. 265 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:10,820 Then what do you want? 266 00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:11,940 I don't know! 267 00:14:11,980 --> 00:14:13,940 I don't have to fucking know every moment! 268 00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:16,100 Every second of the rest of my doesn't need 269 00:14:16,140 --> 00:14:17,780 To be planned out already! 270 00:14:17,780 --> 00:14:19,780 Well maybe you should try it some time! 271 00:14:19,780 --> 00:14:22,540 If you planned harder, maybe you wouldn't be some... 272 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:25,580 Part-time, low-rent gym trainer, 273 00:14:25,620 --> 00:14:27,700 Who tripped and fell into some pussy 274 00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:31,260 On the most important night of his life! 275 00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:33,260 - Yeah, maybe it is. - What? 276 00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:36,300 The most important night of my life, the night I woke up. 277 00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:40,220 To your love of seafood? 278 00:14:40,260 --> 00:14:43,340 - To you. - Just go! 279 00:14:43,380 --> 00:14:45,380 You want out, you get your wish! 280 00:14:45,420 --> 00:14:46,580 I'm going. 281 00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:48,580 Good - and take that AC/DC bullshit with you. 282 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,980 And don't come back until you're gay again! 283 00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,500 Don't hold your breath. 284 00:14:53,540 --> 00:14:58,420 [Door slams, rings clattering] 285 00:14:58,460 --> 00:15:02,380 [Alarm clock] 286 00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:33,340 * * * 287 00:15:33,380 --> 00:16:03,220 Asshole! 288 00:16:03,260 --> 00:16:09,020 Come in... 289 00:16:09,060 --> 00:16:12,260 [Doorbell] 290 00:16:12,260 --> 00:16:19,260 Come innnnn... 291 00:16:19,300 --> 00:16:37,380 Come innnnnn! 292 00:16:37,420 --> 00:16:38,860 Veggie Delight? 293 00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:42,860 More like veggie despair! 294 00:16:42,860 --> 00:16:46,420 Oh. No brownies this time, huh? 295 00:16:46,460 --> 00:16:50,260 I gave them up. They're bad for me. 296 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,060 I'm on a cleanse. 297 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,620 Pizza cleanse? I want in on that. 298 00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:56,620 [Sniffling] 299 00:16:56,660 --> 00:16:59,780 I'm sorry, I'm a bit of a mess. 300 00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:02,540 No, don't worry - this one's on me. 301 00:17:02,580 --> 00:17:04,900 Oh, you don't have to do that. 302 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:07,100 No, I know. But I want to. 303 00:17:07,140 --> 00:17:08,820 I mean, hey - we're practically buds, 304 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,380 It's the least I can do. 305 00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:13,020 I do deserve a break today. 306 00:17:13,020 --> 00:17:15,020 Bon appetit! 307 00:17:15,020 --> 00:17:30,660 Feel better, okay? 308 00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,940 I always hated that douche. 309 00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:34,940 For two years, you've been telling me, 310 00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:37,220 "Jon is so great! You should totally marry him!" 311 00:17:37,260 --> 00:17:38,700 And now he's a douche? 312 00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,700 Whatever! Fuckin' "Jon." 313 00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:43,020 J-O-N. Where's his fucking "H?" 314 00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:45,340 Never date a guy who doesn't know how to spell 315 00:17:45,380 --> 00:17:46,500 His own name. 316 00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:48,300 You loved him, and you know it. 317 00:17:48,340 --> 00:17:51,020 Don't remind me! 318 00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:52,100 What? 319 00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:55,140 Are you eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? 320 00:17:55,180 --> 00:17:56,100 Here we go. 321 00:17:56,140 --> 00:17:57,380 I am allergic! 322 00:17:57,420 --> 00:18:00,220 You're not allergic, you just hate it, there's a difference. 323 00:18:00,260 --> 00:18:02,820 If I get around peanut butter, I'm going to swell up 324 00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:06,060 Bigger than Precious! 325 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,580 Crisis averted. 326 00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:11,380 I just wanted it to be perfect. 327 00:18:11,420 --> 00:18:14,140 The white picket fence... the onyx dishwasher... 328 00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:17,540 The brushed aluminum gourmet vintage melon baller. 329 00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:20,660 You know what? Love is a delusional state. 330 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,700 Oh God, dial it back, Black Swan. 331 00:18:23,740 --> 00:18:26,180 Life is a delusional state. 332 00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:29,180 It's been a week, he should be home by now. 333 00:18:29,220 --> 00:18:31,180 I didn't actually think he was going to leave. 334 00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:33,180 - When you kicked him out? - Shut up. 335 00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:35,620 If he doesn't come back, I'm moving in! 336 00:18:35,660 --> 00:18:37,620 Fine, okay, whatever. 337 00:18:37,660 --> 00:18:54,060 * * * 338 00:18:54,100 --> 00:18:57,660 I'm so glad you made it in, finally. 339 00:18:57,660 --> 00:18:59,660 It's been two months! 340 00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,660 I thought you moved. 341 00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,660 I don't even know where to begin! 342 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:06,300 I mean, it's been... such a whirlwind! 343 00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:08,140 A good whirlwind, I hope? 344 00:19:08,140 --> 00:19:11,660 - I met this guy... - Excellent, tell me. 345 00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:14,940 Yeah - I took your advice! 346 00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:19,700 I went out with the girls, and we ended up at a bar. 347 00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:23,420 He was so awkward, you know? And like... cute! 348 00:19:23,460 --> 00:19:26,620 Muscly! And, um... 349 00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:29,580 He was really into me. 350 00:19:29,620 --> 00:19:33,180 Melissa, how did that make you feel? 351 00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:36,220 Amazing. 352 00:19:36,260 --> 00:19:40,540 You don't know what it's like to be alone, and then... 353 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,580 Suddenly be wanted. 354 00:19:44,620 --> 00:19:50,460 Well, tell me about him. 355 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:52,060 He's younger. 356 00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:54,580 Okay. 357 00:19:54,620 --> 00:19:56,620 He's a personal trainer. 358 00:19:56,620 --> 00:20:00,780 He's an athlete. An amazing cook! 359 00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:09,700 God, he makes the most unbelievable brownies! 360 00:20:09,740 --> 00:20:12,100 Corey? 361 00:20:12,140 --> 00:20:14,620 Corey? 362 00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:16,620 - Corey! - Hi. Corey. 363 00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:18,900 - Yes! - Melissa. Hi. 364 00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:24,220 I was, I was... just lost in a thought, for a moment. 365 00:20:24,260 --> 00:20:26,220 Boy, this guy sounds like quite a catch! 366 00:20:26,260 --> 00:20:30,900 You sure there's not someone else in his life? 367 00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:33,860 Oh, no - God, believe me! 368 00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:37,260 We talked, about everything. 369 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,820 He's very open. 370 00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:41,100 Actually, the other night he told me he'd 371 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:43,780 Been with both boys and girls. 372 00:20:43,820 --> 00:20:45,780 So he's bisexual? 373 00:20:45,820 --> 00:20:47,980 Um, he didn't want to call it that, no. 374 00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:50,860 He said something like... "sexy flexible?" 375 00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:52,340 "Flexi-sexual?" 376 00:20:52,340 --> 00:20:55,580 - Yeah! - Oh! That didn't bother you? 377 00:20:55,620 --> 00:20:56,940 - No! - Just a little? 378 00:20:56,980 --> 00:20:58,340 - No! - Just a little bit annoying? 379 00:20:58,380 --> 00:21:01,340 Why would it bother me? I mean, we all have a history. 380 00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:03,700 I experimented with girls in college. 381 00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:05,940 Now you're not - we'll get back to that. 382 00:21:05,980 --> 00:21:08,860 Now, you're not worried that he's, in the future, 383 00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:11,900 Just going to up and leave you for another guy? 384 00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:14,460 I'm not worried about anything. 385 00:21:14,460 --> 00:21:17,500 For the first time in my life. 386 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:21,740 He's really into me. And I'm really into him. 387 00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:25,060 That's all I need for now. 388 00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:30,780 You even said: stop obsessing! And live in the moment! 389 00:21:30,820 --> 00:21:32,780 That's really good advice. 390 00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:35,460 - I like my boobs now! - That's great. 391 00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:37,820 Yeah, because, um, well... 392 00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:41,260 - He's a boob man! - No he's not... is he? 393 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,700 He loves boobs! 394 00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:45,460 He's probably an ass man, too. 395 00:21:45,460 --> 00:21:47,940 I told her I was glad I could help. 396 00:21:47,980 --> 00:21:49,940 She needs me, she's so vulnerable. 397 00:21:49,980 --> 00:21:51,940 She needs me for support. 398 00:21:51,980 --> 00:21:54,260 You just want to pump her for information. 399 00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:57,980 Okay, okay, I'll refer her to another therapist. 400 00:21:58,020 --> 00:21:59,980 I'll be out of town until they break up. 401 00:22:00,020 --> 00:22:03,420 What if they don't? 402 00:22:03,460 --> 00:22:05,220 So, who is this guy? 403 00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:08,460 Online Love Match. I have three matches! 404 00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:10,260 Three? I'm surprised! 405 00:22:10,300 --> 00:22:12,580 You're surprised I could get three matches? 406 00:22:12,620 --> 00:22:15,660 I'm surprised there are three guys using onine dating. 407 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:18,740 The guys at the cafe all use that smartphone gaydar. 408 00:22:18,780 --> 00:22:22,420 Oh, Grindr? I don't need Grindr. 409 00:22:22,460 --> 00:22:26,060 I have three smokin'-hot guys on the hook already. 410 00:22:26,100 --> 00:22:28,660 When are you seeing all these smokin'-hot guys? 411 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:29,940 Today. 412 00:22:29,940 --> 00:22:33,340 What, all at once? You're not that limber! 413 00:22:33,340 --> 00:22:34,340 Not all at once. 414 00:22:34,380 --> 00:22:36,380 I've scheduled them in 30 minute increments, 415 00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:37,780 10 minutes apart. The site recommended it, 416 00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:38,980 They said it's very... 417 00:22:38,980 --> 00:22:40,980 - Crazy! - Efficient. 418 00:22:41,020 --> 00:22:44,020 I just want to kiss someone on my birthday! 419 00:22:44,060 --> 00:22:46,020 One of these guys has to work out. 420 00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:48,460 Which reminds me - what do you want for your birthday? 421 00:22:48,500 --> 00:22:50,500 I mean, besides cock. 422 00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:51,460 What? 423 00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,020 It sounds so wrong coming out of your mouth. 424 00:22:54,060 --> 00:22:56,180 So, who's the first guy? 425 00:22:56,220 --> 00:22:59,740 25. Gorgeous. Male model. 426 00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:00,940 Oh, you should see his picture. 427 00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:02,220 Very glamorous. 428 00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:04,700 Liberace took that photo of me by his pool 429 00:23:04,740 --> 00:23:07,140 At his villa in Palm Springs. 430 00:23:07,180 --> 00:23:09,980 Your profile said you were 25? 431 00:23:10,020 --> 00:23:14,180 Yes, I was 25! When Liberace took that photo. 432 00:23:14,180 --> 00:23:17,020 Of course, now I deal in antiques. 433 00:23:17,020 --> 00:23:19,500 You do like antiques, don't you, Corey? 434 00:23:19,540 --> 00:23:21,100 I... am not sure. 435 00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:23,100 Oh, well you should, dear boy! 436 00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:25,540 I mean, just today, I took in a fine Chippendale 437 00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:26,980 That's centuries old! 438 00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:29,660 Of course, the drawers are sagging a bit, 439 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:31,660 And the poor, dried-out knobs! 440 00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:33,460 Practically falling off. 441 00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:35,740 But there's nothing quite as satisfying 442 00:23:35,780 --> 00:23:38,340 As spending hour after hour 443 00:23:38,340 --> 00:23:42,140 Lovingly polishing old wood. 444 00:23:42,180 --> 00:23:47,580 Working the moisture into those musty cracks. 445 00:23:47,620 --> 00:23:52,220 So, when your profile said "twice the man..." 446 00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,740 Identical twins. Yeah. 447 00:23:54,780 --> 00:23:56,500 We'll have you coming and going. 448 00:23:56,540 --> 00:23:58,500 Well, fellas... 449 00:23:58,540 --> 00:24:01,540 Plural. 450 00:24:01,580 --> 00:24:03,380 This is a lot to take in. 451 00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:08,940 Oh, don't worry. We'll make it fit. 452 00:24:08,940 --> 00:24:11,900 Ouch. 453 00:24:11,940 --> 00:24:13,700 Wow, you're really great. 454 00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:16,380 This is a relief - to go out with a normal guy 455 00:24:16,380 --> 00:24:18,740 Who actually looks like his profile picture. 456 00:24:18,780 --> 00:24:21,940 Oh my God! Tell me about it. 457 00:24:21,980 --> 00:24:27,140 So, Kyle - tell me about yourself. 458 00:24:27,180 --> 00:24:31,180 I saw on your profile you have a son? 459 00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:36,340 I do. Would you like to meet him? 460 00:24:36,380 --> 00:24:39,580 Sure - I mean, definitely, yeah, at some point. 461 00:24:39,620 --> 00:24:42,900 Well, I mean I ordinarily like to take it slow, 462 00:24:42,940 --> 00:24:45,780 But I don't know, this just feels... 463 00:24:45,820 --> 00:24:47,780 Right. 464 00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:50,780 Why wait? 465 00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:56,420 Corey, meet Gary. 466 00:24:56,460 --> 00:24:57,700 Gary? 467 00:24:57,740 --> 00:25:01,460 Are you gonna be my new daddy? 468 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:07,940 I'm a growing boy, and I need a strong male role model. 469 00:25:07,980 --> 00:25:10,140 Wow, okay, so you're a puppeteer! 470 00:25:10,180 --> 00:25:12,940 That is so great. 471 00:25:12,980 --> 00:25:16,460 Puppeteer? 472 00:25:16,500 --> 00:25:20,620 It's happening again. He's just like all the others. 473 00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:22,780 He doesn't think I'm real. 474 00:25:22,820 --> 00:25:27,860 You know how ANGRY I get when people don't think I'm real... 475 00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,860 I get all STABBY! 476 00:25:29,900 --> 00:25:31,220 [Gary screaming] 477 00:25:31,220 --> 00:25:32,620 No, Corey's not like all the others! 478 00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:33,500 Are you, Corey? 479 00:25:33,540 --> 00:25:35,700 No no, I'm not like all the others! 480 00:25:35,740 --> 00:25:45,260 [Screaming] 481 00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:48,940 This has been really nice - you're so good with Gary. 482 00:25:48,980 --> 00:25:51,740 I'll call you! 483 00:25:51,780 --> 00:25:53,540 Dammit. 484 00:25:53,580 --> 00:25:55,180 He was so cute. 485 00:25:55,180 --> 00:25:57,740 Do you suppose I could get conjugal visits? 486 00:25:57,780 --> 00:26:01,340 With him, or the puppet? 487 00:26:01,380 --> 00:26:05,100 I am officially destined to be alone forever. 488 00:26:05,140 --> 00:26:09,980 For the love of - would you give me your phone? 489 00:26:10,020 --> 00:26:14,260 Gimme! 490 00:26:14,300 --> 00:26:17,140 Is your password still "Dongmaster82?" 491 00:26:17,180 --> 00:26:20,220 Wow, just tell the whole world, why don't you? 492 00:26:20,260 --> 00:26:24,140 Here you go. Welcome to the 21st Century. 493 00:26:24,140 --> 00:26:26,140 Have fun! 494 00:26:26,140 --> 00:26:28,740 Have fun with what? 495 00:26:28,780 --> 00:26:45,660 Oh! Oh... 496 00:26:45,700 --> 00:26:48,860 Maybe... yes! 497 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:51,300 Ooh, a fireman! 498 00:26:51,300 --> 00:26:54,180 I'm 200 feet away from a fireman! 499 00:26:54,220 --> 00:26:56,780 I bet I got some matches around here somewhere. 500 00:26:56,820 --> 00:26:59,140 Do not set fire to my cafe! 501 00:26:59,140 --> 00:27:01,140 Okay, buzzkill. 502 00:27:01,140 --> 00:27:08,020 No, no... ooh, maybe. 503 00:27:08,060 --> 00:27:12,020 No, no! 504 00:27:12,060 --> 00:27:14,620 Oh, yeah... oh my God, yes! 505 00:27:14,660 --> 00:27:15,380 What? 506 00:27:15,420 --> 00:27:17,380 It's him, it's him! He's gay! 507 00:27:17,420 --> 00:27:18,780 - And single. - Who? 508 00:27:18,820 --> 00:27:21,820 I have to go, he's 100 feet away, on the move! 509 00:27:21,860 --> 00:27:47,740 * * * 510 00:27:47,780 --> 00:27:49,940 I zigged, when I should've zagged. 511 00:27:49,980 --> 00:27:51,940 Did you catch the fireman? 512 00:27:51,980 --> 00:27:53,060 Better! 513 00:27:53,100 --> 00:27:55,260 What's better than a fireman? 514 00:27:55,260 --> 00:27:57,100 A pizza guy. 515 00:27:57,100 --> 00:28:00,900 Did you hit your head or something? 516 00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:02,220 It says he's looking for 517 00:28:02,260 --> 00:28:04,220 "Friendship, love, or whatever." 518 00:28:04,260 --> 00:28:06,220 That's very specific. 519 00:28:06,260 --> 00:28:08,220 Hey - I know this guy! Pete! 520 00:28:08,260 --> 00:28:10,220 Triple Venti soy caramel macchiato! 521 00:28:10,260 --> 00:28:12,900 He comes to Thursday night Poetry Night. 522 00:28:12,940 --> 00:28:14,420 He's a great read. 523 00:28:14,460 --> 00:28:17,100 - Well I love poetry! - You? Since when? 524 00:28:17,140 --> 00:28:19,180 Since... what time is it now? 525 00:28:19,220 --> 00:28:26,260 People look at me like being a lesbian is a fashion craze, 526 00:28:26,300 --> 00:28:30,580 When being a lesbian is my TRUTH! 527 00:28:30,620 --> 00:28:34,620 I lick vagina, and I LOVE IT! 528 00:28:34,660 --> 00:28:36,420 [Bongos] 529 00:28:36,460 --> 00:28:40,020 My aching sadness echoes endlessly, 530 00:28:40,060 --> 00:28:44,780 Like the DRIP, DRIP, DRIP of the raindrops flow. 531 00:28:44,820 --> 00:28:48,900 My bitter tears bleed, down in the puddles 532 00:28:48,940 --> 00:28:51,780 Of the cruel, cracked streets! 533 00:28:51,820 --> 00:28:57,260 [Grindr message tone] 534 00:28:57,260 --> 00:29:00,900 My heart... MENSTRUATES 535 00:29:00,940 --> 00:29:03,780 Looooong and loney 536 00:29:03,820 --> 00:29:07,780 Under the hangdog moon BELOOOOW! 537 00:29:07,820 --> 00:29:14,220 [Grindr message tones] 538 00:29:14,260 --> 00:29:18,780 My lithe loins birth a pale horse. 539 00:29:18,820 --> 00:29:23,660 [Grindr message tones] 540 00:29:23,700 --> 00:29:31,020 Born of bitter PAIN and WOOOOOEEEE! 541 00:29:31,060 --> 00:29:33,020 [Grindr message tones] 542 00:29:33,060 --> 00:29:41,100 [Corey and Pete laughing] 543 00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:44,820 MOTHER GAIA, LET MY PEOPLE GO! 544 00:29:44,860 --> 00:29:50,900 [Snapping] 545 00:29:50,940 --> 00:29:52,380 That's my sister! 546 00:29:52,420 --> 00:29:53,940 - Kelsey? - Yeah 547 00:29:53,980 --> 00:29:55,380 Oh man, she's really cool. 548 00:29:55,420 --> 00:29:56,780 She taught me how to read. 549 00:29:56,820 --> 00:30:00,140 My first book was "Our Bodies, Ourselves." 550 00:30:00,180 --> 00:30:02,140 Where are you going? 551 00:30:02,180 --> 00:30:04,620 And now, everybody, here's Pete! 552 00:30:04,660 --> 00:30:07,220 Here's Pete, everybody! Thank you. 553 00:30:07,260 --> 00:30:16,460 [Snapping] 554 00:30:16,500 --> 00:30:18,940 There is a place beyond desire, 555 00:30:18,980 --> 00:30:21,220 Beyond wanting and need. 556 00:30:21,260 --> 00:30:27,060 We join, man to man, hand to hand, 557 00:30:27,100 --> 00:30:30,300 Strength to strength. 558 00:30:30,340 --> 00:30:35,260 Forever in you, forever in me. 559 00:30:35,300 --> 00:30:36,940 Thank you. 560 00:30:36,980 --> 00:30:39,340 [Snapping] 561 00:30:39,380 --> 00:30:40,580 YES! 562 00:30:40,620 --> 00:30:47,700 [Corey claps, then snaps] 563 00:30:47,740 --> 00:30:49,940 I've never seen you at this thing before! 564 00:30:49,940 --> 00:30:51,380 Are you a poetry lover? 565 00:30:51,420 --> 00:30:54,660 Well, I... not exactly. 566 00:30:54,700 --> 00:30:56,660 I'm a little behind on my reading. 567 00:30:56,700 --> 00:30:58,660 Why, what's the last thing you read? 568 00:30:58,700 --> 00:31:01,340 "Poor Little Bitch Girl," by Jackie Collins. 569 00:31:01,380 --> 00:31:05,020 - So you're into the classics. - Definitely. 570 00:31:05,060 --> 00:31:09,380 I'm just a lit nerd, I've always got my face in a book. 571 00:31:09,420 --> 00:31:11,620 - I even write a little bit. - Nice! 572 00:31:11,660 --> 00:31:14,020 Not what you expected? 573 00:31:14,060 --> 00:31:15,740 Well, when it comes to you, 574 00:31:15,780 --> 00:31:18,900 I'm learning to expect the unexpected. 575 00:31:18,940 --> 00:31:20,900 My uncle actually owns the pizzeria. 576 00:31:20,940 --> 00:31:24,660 Once his heart started going bad, I had to help out. 577 00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:27,900 Besides, grad school's a little pricey. 578 00:31:27,940 --> 00:31:29,900 I had no idea. 579 00:31:29,940 --> 00:31:31,980 Hey, do you think you'd want to go to... 580 00:31:32,020 --> 00:31:33,780 [Phone ringing] 581 00:31:33,820 --> 00:31:38,380 Oh, duty calls! I've actually gotta run. 582 00:31:38,420 --> 00:31:40,860 But, I'd love to talk some more sometime. 583 00:31:40,900 --> 00:31:45,660 Yeah - you know where to find me. 584 00:31:45,660 --> 00:31:49,260 Sure do! Alright, I'll see you soon. 585 00:31:49,260 --> 00:32:06,820 I'm... Corey. 586 00:32:06,860 --> 00:32:10,260 - She's pretty. - Yeah, she was. 587 00:32:10,300 --> 00:32:12,860 What's her name? 588 00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:15,860 Ask me a question I can answer. 589 00:32:15,900 --> 00:32:35,980 Um, your name? 590 00:32:35,980 --> 00:32:38,980 So, you bag that poetic Paisano yet? 591 00:32:38,980 --> 00:32:43,060 Who, Pete? No. I... 592 00:32:43,100 --> 00:32:46,180 He wouldn't be interested in me, not really. 593 00:32:46,220 --> 00:32:47,420 Are you kidding me? 594 00:32:47,420 --> 00:32:49,140 I saw the way he looked at you. 595 00:32:49,180 --> 00:32:51,340 Yeah, and you also saw what happened with Jon! 596 00:32:51,380 --> 00:32:52,940 How do I know this guy's even gay? 597 00:32:52,980 --> 00:32:55,460 He's on Grindr! He's gay enough. 598 00:32:55,460 --> 00:32:59,660 Get on that thing and grind! 599 00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:04,740 So, the divorce is finally taken care of. 600 00:33:04,780 --> 00:33:10,620 So how are you doing with the, um... boyfriend? 601 00:33:10,660 --> 00:33:12,980 I'm surpised I can even walk. 602 00:33:12,980 --> 00:33:13,980 What? 603 00:33:14,020 --> 00:33:17,380 I pulled a hamstring. We went hiking. 604 00:33:17,420 --> 00:33:22,420 How, um... how is he? 605 00:33:22,460 --> 00:33:23,860 What do you mean? 606 00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:28,380 What do I mean? I mean... 607 00:33:28,420 --> 00:33:32,100 I mean, how is he with... all of this. 608 00:33:32,100 --> 00:33:36,660 Oh, well - he's the best I've ever had. 609 00:33:36,700 --> 00:33:40,380 He is like... one of those army knives. 610 00:33:40,420 --> 00:33:42,700 Of sexual positions. 611 00:33:42,740 --> 00:33:45,060 I meant more feelings, but... 612 00:33:45,100 --> 00:33:48,620 I literally had no idea some of these sexual positions 613 00:33:48,660 --> 00:33:50,020 Even existed. 614 00:33:50,060 --> 00:33:56,180 The Tokyo Swirl. 615 00:33:56,220 --> 00:33:58,820 The Slap Chop! 616 00:33:58,860 --> 00:34:01,500 God, that was a scary one! 617 00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:08,260 The Bird of Paradise. 618 00:34:08,300 --> 00:34:11,340 One-Legged King Pigeon. 619 00:34:11,380 --> 00:34:12,620 From the side! 620 00:34:12,660 --> 00:34:14,620 I... I don't need to... 621 00:34:14,660 --> 00:34:18,660 Downward-Facing Dong. 622 00:34:18,700 --> 00:34:21,820 One time, we even did it on my desk. 623 00:34:21,860 --> 00:34:22,540 Desk? 624 00:34:22,580 --> 00:34:24,340 I know, right? 625 00:34:24,380 --> 00:34:27,340 I'm starting to get a little bit of a migraine. 626 00:34:27,380 --> 00:34:29,140 [Text message tone] 627 00:34:29,180 --> 00:34:31,820 Ooh, I think that's him! Speak of the devil. 628 00:34:31,860 --> 00:34:33,700 Oh, he wants tacos. 629 00:34:33,740 --> 00:34:34,860 [Text message tone] 630 00:34:34,860 --> 00:34:38,220 No, wait - hot dogs! He can never decide! 631 00:34:38,260 --> 00:34:40,020 Yeah, listen - 632 00:34:40,060 --> 00:34:42,260 I am going to be really booked-up 633 00:34:42,300 --> 00:34:43,660 For the next few weeks. 634 00:34:43,700 --> 00:34:48,940 There's a... conference. 635 00:34:48,940 --> 00:34:51,820 So my colleague is going to fill in for me. 636 00:34:51,860 --> 00:34:53,820 All you have to do is call her. 637 00:34:53,860 --> 00:34:56,740 Her number's right here. 638 00:34:56,780 --> 00:35:04,300 And she's going to take great care of you. 639 00:35:04,340 --> 00:35:06,300 Well, I'll try. 640 00:35:06,340 --> 00:35:09,060 But after being with you, 641 00:35:09,100 --> 00:35:17,540 Anybody else is a pretty poor substitute. 642 00:35:17,580 --> 00:35:19,740 Looks like your ball's hurting. 643 00:35:19,740 --> 00:35:23,580 You don't know the half of it. 644 00:35:23,580 --> 00:35:31,540 Ahh! 645 00:35:31,580 --> 00:35:33,460 Woah, collision! 646 00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:36,020 Oh, the humanity! 647 00:35:36,060 --> 00:35:38,220 Man, I did not expect to see you here. 648 00:35:38,260 --> 00:35:40,020 Yeah, obviously. 649 00:35:40,060 --> 00:35:43,020 I sent your goodies flying everywhere. 650 00:35:43,060 --> 00:35:47,020 So sorry - wow, this is a lot of pretzels! 651 00:35:47,060 --> 00:35:49,940 204 - not that I've counted. 652 00:35:49,940 --> 00:35:51,540 Two hundred and...? 653 00:35:51,580 --> 00:35:53,340 Four. Each time, every time. 654 00:35:53,380 --> 00:35:55,540 If there's less than that, I take them back. 655 00:35:55,580 --> 00:35:58,580 What if there's more? 656 00:35:58,580 --> 00:36:00,540 Just hold tight - I'll grab another bag. 657 00:36:00,580 --> 00:36:10,260 I'll be right back. 658 00:36:10,300 --> 00:36:15,220 I just lost count - what number am I on? 659 00:36:15,260 --> 00:36:17,300 78. 660 00:36:17,340 --> 00:36:18,860 112. 661 00:36:18,900 --> 00:36:21,260 Down the hatch, 78! 662 00:36:21,300 --> 00:36:24,140 [Grindr message tones] 663 00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:25,380 Popular! 664 00:36:25,420 --> 00:36:29,860 Yeah, you know me, Mr. Love. 665 00:36:29,900 --> 00:36:32,900 It's probably just my sister punking me again. 666 00:36:32,940 --> 00:36:34,900 I've actually met a lot of cool people on that. 667 00:36:34,940 --> 00:36:37,900 Mainly I just use it to connect with friends, 668 00:36:37,940 --> 00:36:39,580 And people I care about. 669 00:36:39,620 --> 00:36:42,140 What about you? Do you hook up often? 670 00:36:42,180 --> 00:36:43,940 Me? Uh, me? 671 00:36:43,980 --> 00:36:45,900 You know, like once or twice a... 672 00:36:45,940 --> 00:36:48,460 - day? - decade. Day-cade. 673 00:36:48,500 --> 00:36:50,980 - Yeah right! - What about you? 674 00:36:51,020 --> 00:36:55,020 I guess I'm just a little bit of a romantic. 675 00:36:55,060 --> 00:36:57,020 I just want to allow things to happen. 676 00:36:57,060 --> 00:37:01,580 Besides, love can't be planned, right? 677 00:37:01,620 --> 00:37:04,980 Right? Right! Me too. 678 00:37:04,980 --> 00:37:10,020 Planning, pshh! I don't even believe in that. 679 00:37:10,020 --> 00:37:12,500 Like for example, my birthday's coming up 680 00:37:12,540 --> 00:37:13,540 In a few weeks, 681 00:37:13,580 --> 00:37:15,340 I'm super casual about it. 682 00:37:15,380 --> 00:37:17,740 I'm not even going to celebrate it. 683 00:37:17,780 --> 00:37:19,700 Oh, come on! You have to celebrate! 684 00:37:19,740 --> 00:37:20,940 Nope. 685 00:37:20,980 --> 00:37:23,820 Well, if it's not too forward, do you want to do 686 00:37:23,860 --> 00:37:32,180 Something together? 687 00:37:32,220 --> 00:37:34,540 Please tell me you don't have a puppet. 688 00:37:34,580 --> 00:37:36,580 - What? - Or a twin. 689 00:37:36,620 --> 00:37:39,580 I'm an only child, and puppets kind of give me the creeps. 690 00:37:39,580 --> 00:37:43,020 Me too... now. 691 00:37:43,060 --> 00:37:45,700 You're sure you're really gay? 692 00:37:45,740 --> 00:37:49,620 I checked... really thoroughly. 693 00:37:49,660 --> 00:37:51,060 See, you're funny, too! 694 00:37:51,060 --> 00:37:53,300 Why aren't you married, or taken, 695 00:37:53,340 --> 00:37:56,420 Or being ravaged by 100 guys a night? 696 00:37:56,460 --> 00:37:59,900 I doubt I could keep up with 100, but I don't know. 697 00:37:59,940 --> 00:38:01,900 The first day or two would be fun! 698 00:38:01,940 --> 00:38:07,020 - But after that... - Shut up. 699 00:38:07,060 --> 00:38:10,100 - You want the truth? - Yeah. 700 00:38:10,140 --> 00:38:11,780 I just really haven't had time. 701 00:38:11,820 --> 00:38:16,020 My uncle requires a lot of care. 702 00:38:16,060 --> 00:38:18,020 Relationships can just be so... 703 00:38:18,060 --> 00:38:25,740 - complicated. - Oh yeah. 704 00:38:25,780 --> 00:38:28,820 I'll give you a dollar if you can catch this in your mouth. 705 00:38:28,860 --> 00:38:31,660 Bring it on! 706 00:38:31,700 --> 00:38:37,100 Ahh, no! 707 00:38:37,140 --> 00:38:39,740 So, Bill was pouring the rum, 708 00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:41,540 And I said to him, 709 00:38:41,580 --> 00:38:46,660 "Well yes, I would like a little Captain in me." 710 00:38:46,700 --> 00:38:50,820 So he rolled me over, bent me over that big space chair, 711 00:38:50,860 --> 00:38:53,900 And we went at it - warp speed ahead! 712 00:38:53,940 --> 00:38:55,540 Completely out of the blue? 713 00:38:55,580 --> 00:38:57,060 Completely out of the blue. 714 00:38:57,060 --> 00:38:59,820 Some of the best times I've ever had 715 00:38:59,860 --> 00:39:01,980 Are completely out of the blue. 716 00:39:02,020 --> 00:39:05,740 You've got to roll with the changes. 717 00:39:05,780 --> 00:39:08,580 Leap before you look sometimes! 718 00:39:08,620 --> 00:39:13,940 Bone a spaceman or two! 719 00:39:13,940 --> 00:39:16,460 So, what's my penance? 720 00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:20,940 Millie, we've been over this. You know I'm not a priest. 721 00:39:20,980 --> 00:39:23,460 Besides, there's no crime in giving yourself over 722 00:39:23,500 --> 00:39:29,260 To the love of... a starship captain... commander. 723 00:39:29,260 --> 00:39:30,580 All of them! 724 00:39:30,620 --> 00:39:32,060 That's a relief. 725 00:39:32,100 --> 00:39:48,700 You should hear what I did to Dr. Spork! 726 00:39:48,740 --> 00:39:51,460 Wow! 727 00:39:51,500 --> 00:39:53,260 All this for lunch? 728 00:39:53,300 --> 00:39:56,220 My cleaning lady's a klepto. 729 00:39:56,220 --> 00:39:58,220 Sure you're not just addicted to work? 730 00:39:58,220 --> 00:40:00,900 Hey, I'll do the analyzing around here, mister! 731 00:40:00,940 --> 00:40:03,980 - Where are we going? - That's a surprise. 732 00:40:04,020 --> 00:40:07,260 I'm not super-big on surpises. 733 00:40:07,260 --> 00:40:18,820 You're going to like this one. 734 00:40:18,860 --> 00:40:22,060 Wow... so this is lunch? 735 00:40:22,100 --> 00:40:25,260 It's no fancy restaurant, I know. 736 00:40:25,300 --> 00:40:27,820 But I wanted to share this with you. 737 00:40:27,860 --> 00:40:30,820 Oh God, It's beautiful! 738 00:40:30,820 --> 00:40:32,100 Epic! 739 00:40:32,140 --> 00:40:38,220 And I cannot stand that word, but this is truly... 740 00:40:38,260 --> 00:40:40,660 Epic. 741 00:40:40,700 --> 00:40:42,100 It's my refuge. 742 00:40:42,140 --> 00:40:45,620 It makes me feel centered. 743 00:40:45,660 --> 00:40:47,300 No matter what's going on, 744 00:40:47,340 --> 00:40:53,740 Everything's going to be alright. 745 00:40:53,740 --> 00:40:58,740 I need to feel that. 746 00:40:58,780 --> 00:41:01,700 Look, I know you've been hurt, and I don't want to... 747 00:41:01,740 --> 00:41:09,180 That was all in the past. 748 00:41:09,220 --> 00:41:13,860 I was with my ex for a long time. 749 00:41:13,860 --> 00:41:18,140 I knew it was over before he did. 750 00:41:18,180 --> 00:41:21,900 When a man loves you, it's right there in his eyes. 751 00:41:21,940 --> 00:41:23,940 When he looks at you, 752 00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:31,900 You can tell you're like breathing to him. 753 00:41:31,940 --> 00:41:33,900 Hey, let's chow down! 754 00:41:33,940 --> 00:41:35,900 I've got some great food for us. 755 00:41:35,940 --> 00:42:49,020 * * * 756 00:42:49,020 --> 00:42:51,860 So... 757 00:42:51,900 --> 00:42:56,060 Yeah. I should probably get going. 758 00:42:56,060 --> 00:42:59,140 Yeah. 759 00:42:59,180 --> 00:43:35,100 I might want to be too... 760 00:43:35,140 --> 00:45:32,260 * * * 761 00:45:32,300 --> 00:45:34,420 A three-layer birthday ice cream cake 762 00:45:34,420 --> 00:45:36,900 That says, "Happy Birthday Corey." 763 00:45:36,940 --> 00:45:38,660 Big old letters! 764 00:45:38,700 --> 00:45:41,580 No, no, that's "Corey," with an E-Y. 765 00:45:41,620 --> 00:45:43,900 Okay, Friday? That's perfect, 766 00:45:43,900 --> 00:45:54,260 Yes, I'm sure Corey's going to be very surprised. 767 00:45:54,300 --> 00:45:57,780 Look at you, the hot mess express! 768 00:45:57,820 --> 00:46:00,060 Yep! 769 00:46:00,100 --> 00:46:01,580 I'm so proud of you! 770 00:46:01,620 --> 00:46:03,300 You've come so far from the tight-ass lunatic 771 00:46:03,340 --> 00:46:04,340 I grew up with. 772 00:46:04,380 --> 00:46:06,340 I'm pretty much Mr. Adventure now. 773 00:46:06,380 --> 00:46:08,340 Don't get hung up on labels. 774 00:46:08,380 --> 00:46:10,340 Friendship, love, or... whatever. 775 00:46:10,380 --> 00:46:12,220 Excellent! 776 00:46:12,260 --> 00:46:13,500 Which reminds me... 777 00:46:13,540 --> 00:46:16,260 I want to talk to you about the birthday schedule. 778 00:46:16,300 --> 00:46:18,300 I need you to be out of the house midnight 779 00:46:18,300 --> 00:46:19,500 The night before, 780 00:46:19,500 --> 00:46:21,500 So I can get my birthday kiss from Pete. 781 00:46:21,500 --> 00:46:23,060 The following day... 782 00:46:23,100 --> 00:46:24,340 Yeah, I'll read it over. 783 00:46:24,340 --> 00:46:26,060 Please initial where the Xs are. 784 00:46:26,100 --> 00:46:28,060 - Freak! - I was kidding! 785 00:46:28,100 --> 00:46:32,380 I doubt it. 786 00:46:32,380 --> 00:46:39,380 I emailed you a copy. 787 00:46:39,420 --> 00:46:41,380 See you next week! 788 00:46:41,420 --> 00:46:44,700 Corey! Hi, do you have a minute? 789 00:46:44,740 --> 00:46:47,300 Hi Melissa - no, I'm on my way out. 790 00:46:47,340 --> 00:46:48,620 It'll just take five minutes. 791 00:46:48,660 --> 00:46:50,620 I didn't have anyone else to turn to, 792 00:46:50,660 --> 00:46:53,340 And you're the only one that would understand. 793 00:46:53,380 --> 00:46:55,340 Come on in. 794 00:46:55,380 --> 00:46:57,940 I'm sorry to corner you like this, it's just 795 00:46:57,940 --> 00:47:00,140 I called that referral you gave me! 796 00:47:00,140 --> 00:47:02,140 And she wouldn't understand! 797 00:47:02,140 --> 00:47:03,700 It's my boyfriend. 798 00:47:03,740 --> 00:47:07,060 I think... 799 00:47:07,100 --> 00:47:08,860 He's cheating. 800 00:47:08,900 --> 00:47:13,380 This is the, uh... bisexual guy? 801 00:47:13,420 --> 00:47:15,380 - "Flexi." - Really? Still? 802 00:47:15,420 --> 00:47:17,460 That's okay. 803 00:47:17,460 --> 00:47:20,860 Why do you think he's being unfaithful? 804 00:47:20,900 --> 00:47:24,580 Um, I don't know if unfaithful is the word. 805 00:47:24,620 --> 00:47:29,100 Um, I don't know exactly HOW TO PUT IT INTO WORDS! 806 00:47:29,100 --> 00:47:30,900 - I just... - Okay, slow down. 807 00:47:30,940 --> 00:47:32,900 Take it easy. Tell me what he did. 808 00:47:32,940 --> 00:47:37,860 We've been arguing, and he keeps making these excuses 809 00:47:37,900 --> 00:47:39,660 To not be with me. 810 00:47:39,700 --> 00:47:49,020 He just looks at me differently. 811 00:47:49,020 --> 00:47:49,820 Jon! 812 00:47:49,860 --> 00:47:53,660 What? How did you know I was here? 813 00:47:53,700 --> 00:47:57,260 I... I saw your minivan. 814 00:47:57,260 --> 00:47:59,220 I'm sorry about earlier. Can we talk? 815 00:47:59,260 --> 00:48:09,460 Well... yeah! 816 00:48:09,500 --> 00:48:11,940 Corey, thank you, so much. 817 00:48:11,980 --> 00:48:15,620 I didn't mean to take advantage of you, 818 00:48:15,660 --> 00:48:17,380 I appreciate you listening. 819 00:48:17,420 --> 00:48:46,860 I really appreciate our friendship. 820 00:48:46,900 --> 00:48:50,340 - Who died? - I'll take a shot of whiskey. 821 00:48:50,380 --> 00:48:52,580 Why will no one just order coffee? 822 00:48:52,620 --> 00:48:56,060 I've tried your coffee. 823 00:48:56,100 --> 00:48:58,860 Speaking of which, I need to talk to you. 824 00:48:58,900 --> 00:49:01,860 I'm like, having some cash flow issues. 825 00:49:01,860 --> 00:49:03,660 Hey! You ready? 826 00:49:03,700 --> 00:49:05,660 It's really important! 827 00:49:05,700 --> 00:49:08,180 Kelse, whatever it is, it can wait til tonight. 828 00:49:08,220 --> 00:49:10,740 We don't need to rush off. We can hang loose. 829 00:49:10,780 --> 00:49:12,980 No, we can't, we're on a schedule. 830 00:49:13,020 --> 00:49:14,980 The movie starts in a half hour. 831 00:49:15,020 --> 00:49:18,180 So we get there a little late. What's the big deal? 832 00:49:18,180 --> 00:49:19,980 The tickets are non-refundable. 833 00:49:19,980 --> 00:49:28,460 You know what? Fine. Enjoy your movie. 834 00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:29,740 You didn't need to leave her like that. 835 00:49:29,780 --> 00:49:32,780 She sounds like she needs to talk to you. 836 00:49:32,820 --> 00:49:34,820 Honeslty, I don't want to hear about 837 00:49:34,860 --> 00:49:37,220 Anyone else's feelings today. 838 00:49:37,260 --> 00:49:39,220 Isn't that kind of your job? 839 00:49:39,260 --> 00:49:49,940 Yeah, well - I'm off the clock. 840 00:49:49,980 --> 00:49:51,580 It was nothing like the preview. 841 00:49:51,620 --> 00:49:53,380 I thought it was pretty good. 842 00:49:53,420 --> 00:49:55,580 You like that highbrow stuff, I just wanted a chick flick. 843 00:49:55,620 --> 00:49:57,620 Something simple. No more surprises. 844 00:49:57,620 --> 00:49:59,260 What are you so wound up today for? 845 00:49:59,300 --> 00:50:00,420 I don't know, okay? 846 00:50:00,420 --> 00:50:01,620 What can I do to make it better? 847 00:50:01,660 --> 00:50:03,660 Just quit being so fucking perfect! 848 00:50:03,660 --> 00:50:05,660 I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. 849 00:50:05,660 --> 00:50:07,660 Oh my God, seriously, what's wrong with you? 850 00:50:07,660 --> 00:50:09,300 Why do you even like me? 851 00:50:09,340 --> 00:50:10,660 What kind of question is that? 852 00:50:10,700 --> 00:50:11,740 A fair one! 853 00:50:11,780 --> 00:50:13,740 You're a great guy, with a good heart. 854 00:50:13,780 --> 00:50:15,380 Yeah and I'm really sweet, and nice, 855 00:50:15,420 --> 00:50:17,580 But you know what, I'm not some Pepperoni Adonis who... 856 00:50:17,620 --> 00:50:18,980 Wait, is that how you see me? 857 00:50:19,020 --> 00:50:20,260 Trust me, that's how everyone sees you! 858 00:50:20,300 --> 00:50:21,220 Guys like you... 859 00:50:21,260 --> 00:50:25,260 There's not "guys like me." There's just me. 860 00:50:25,300 --> 00:50:27,980 I'm real. What am I to you? 861 00:50:28,020 --> 00:50:29,980 Just some empty-headed underwear model 862 00:50:30,020 --> 00:50:32,460 Who coasts through life on his pecs and glutes? 863 00:50:32,500 --> 00:50:37,700 I didn't say you coast. 864 00:50:37,740 --> 00:50:40,460 Come on, you're like the hottest guy I've ever met! 865 00:50:40,460 --> 00:50:42,460 What could even see in me?! 866 00:50:42,460 --> 00:50:44,260 Don't box me into that. That's not me. 867 00:50:44,300 --> 00:50:46,340 My entire life I've had to deal with people treating me 868 00:50:46,380 --> 00:50:47,700 Like a piece of meat. 869 00:50:47,700 --> 00:50:49,260 I didn't expect you to do it, too. 870 00:50:49,300 --> 00:50:52,820 Wow, that sounds really hard. 871 00:50:52,860 --> 00:50:54,180 I'm just going to call it a night. 872 00:50:54,220 --> 00:50:55,140 Good. 873 00:50:55,180 --> 00:50:57,340 Call me whenever you get your head together. 874 00:50:57,380 --> 00:51:11,060 Yeah, don't hold your breath. 875 00:51:11,060 --> 00:51:14,820 Lately I find myself walking through the woods 876 00:51:14,860 --> 00:51:19,180 With a bunch of raw steaks. 877 00:51:19,220 --> 00:51:20,140 Uh-huh. 878 00:51:20,180 --> 00:51:23,940 The mountain lion at the zoo got a new mate. 879 00:51:23,980 --> 00:51:26,620 I don't know what he sees in her. 880 00:51:26,660 --> 00:51:30,540 She's just some plain Jane cougar. 881 00:51:30,580 --> 00:51:33,180 That fleabag doesn't know what he needs. 882 00:51:33,220 --> 00:51:34,260 Uh-huh. 883 00:51:34,300 --> 00:51:37,980 Once you go lion, you never stop tryin'. 884 00:51:38,020 --> 00:51:39,780 Sounds good. 885 00:51:39,820 --> 00:51:43,380 Hell yeah it does. 886 00:51:43,420 --> 00:51:45,380 Wait, what? 887 00:51:45,420 --> 00:51:50,060 Huh? 888 00:51:50,100 --> 00:51:51,500 On the house. 889 00:51:51,500 --> 00:51:53,500 Thanks. 890 00:51:53,500 --> 00:51:54,700 So I guess you heard?/ 891 00:51:54,740 --> 00:51:56,700 He called to cry about it. I hung up on him. 892 00:51:56,740 --> 00:51:58,740 I haven't heard him cry that much since 893 00:51:58,740 --> 00:52:01,540 They stopped making Zima. 894 00:52:01,580 --> 00:52:02,900 You and I still cool? 895 00:52:02,940 --> 00:52:05,940 Slam poet code, dude. 896 00:52:05,980 --> 00:52:07,940 That's what I'm talking about. 897 00:52:07,980 --> 00:52:10,140 How long have you had this place? 898 00:52:10,180 --> 00:52:11,940 Three years. 899 00:52:11,980 --> 00:52:14,820 I always wanted a place where freaks, weirdos, 900 00:52:14,860 --> 00:52:18,820 Artists, and queers could come get amped up on caffeine 901 00:52:18,860 --> 00:52:23,540 And inspiration, and go take on the world. 902 00:52:23,580 --> 00:52:26,300 There's a lot of you in here. 903 00:52:26,300 --> 00:52:27,700 It's home! 904 00:52:27,700 --> 00:52:30,100 Hell, I slept in the kitchen the first year. 905 00:52:30,140 --> 00:52:32,940 Health Department finally kicked me out. 906 00:52:32,980 --> 00:52:33,900 Why? 907 00:52:33,940 --> 00:52:36,020 I did this one babe on the counter. 908 00:52:36,060 --> 00:52:37,460 Health inspector walked in 909 00:52:37,500 --> 00:52:41,020 Right before I ground her mocha. 910 00:52:41,060 --> 00:52:43,340 I just hope I can hold on to this place. 911 00:52:43,380 --> 00:52:46,660 I'm a people person - but spreadsheets, ugh! 912 00:52:46,700 --> 00:52:50,500 Me too. Money just gives me headaches! 913 00:52:50,540 --> 00:52:53,340 I like my dollars like my women: 914 00:52:53,380 --> 00:52:57,820 Too many to count! 915 00:52:57,860 --> 00:53:02,900 So, are you gonna go over to our place later? 916 00:53:02,940 --> 00:53:04,540 You think he'd want me to? 917 00:53:04,580 --> 00:53:05,780 God yes! 918 00:53:05,820 --> 00:53:07,980 I'm sure he's hanging by the phone, 919 00:53:08,020 --> 00:53:10,380 Counting the minutes and the pretzels. 920 00:53:10,420 --> 00:53:11,820 204. 921 00:53:11,860 --> 00:53:13,820 God, he's got you doing it now, too? 922 00:53:13,860 --> 00:53:15,820 Unfortunately. 923 00:53:15,860 --> 00:53:19,100 He's been planning his midnight kiss since 1985. 924 00:53:19,140 --> 00:53:20,260 You're right. 925 00:53:20,300 --> 00:53:22,340 I have to get the birthday kiss right. 926 00:53:22,380 --> 00:53:23,540 Yeah! No pressure, dude. 927 00:53:23,580 --> 00:53:26,300 Game face! 928 00:53:26,340 --> 00:53:28,460 I gotta get out of here, gotta get to the pizzeria. 929 00:53:28,500 --> 00:53:31,820 Here - take our house key. 930 00:53:31,860 --> 00:53:34,660 He loves surprises! 931 00:53:34,700 --> 00:53:40,660 Thanks, Kelsey. 932 00:53:40,700 --> 00:53:45,820 I said to Bobby, "Let's try it missionary style this time." 933 00:53:45,860 --> 00:53:48,060 You know... "heart to heart." 934 00:53:48,100 --> 00:53:51,900 Millie, have you ever heard of Münchausen Syndrome? 935 00:53:51,940 --> 00:53:56,140 Heard of it? Hell, I invented it. 936 00:53:56,180 --> 00:54:02,420 I just wish I had someone to share it with. 937 00:54:02,460 --> 00:54:05,580 I mean, I wish I had someone special to share it with, 938 00:54:05,620 --> 00:54:07,580 For free. 939 00:54:07,620 --> 00:54:12,500 You're kind of like a talk gigolo. 940 00:54:12,540 --> 00:54:18,820 Listen - I've got to go, it's my big 3-0 tomorrow. 941 00:54:18,860 --> 00:54:23,100 Woo-hoo, the big 3-0! 942 00:54:23,140 --> 00:54:25,100 What is that in gay years, 85? 943 00:54:25,140 --> 00:54:26,300 Hey! 944 00:54:26,340 --> 00:54:31,860 Hey, yeah - those old hard candies, mentholated ointment, 945 00:54:31,860 --> 00:54:35,660 Adult diapers! They're all ahead of you! 946 00:54:35,700 --> 00:54:40,220 You know, I remember when I was 30. 947 00:54:40,260 --> 00:54:45,060 I was so set in my ways, so sure of everything. 948 00:54:45,100 --> 00:54:51,260 I didn't know about change. 949 00:54:51,300 --> 00:54:54,460 I didn't know how much fun I could have. 950 00:54:54,500 --> 00:54:57,420 It's about the journey. 951 00:54:57,460 --> 00:55:01,780 The big adventure is just ahead of you! 952 00:55:01,820 --> 00:55:10,060 Just find someone to share it with, and you've got it made. 953 00:55:10,100 --> 00:55:12,700 Yeah. 954 00:55:12,740 --> 00:55:18,700 Of course... I do make things up. 955 00:55:18,740 --> 00:55:43,500 [Doorbell] 956 00:55:43,540 --> 00:55:45,300 Kelsey: I don't need much! 957 00:55:45,340 --> 00:55:48,180 Just a couple thousand to get me through. 958 00:55:48,220 --> 00:55:51,540 [Knocking] 959 00:55:51,540 --> 00:55:52,740 Kelse, I gotta go. 960 00:55:52,780 --> 00:56:11,020 Kelsey: Call me back! 961 00:56:11,060 --> 00:56:12,700 What are you doing? 962 00:56:12,740 --> 00:56:18,100 I came home. 963 00:56:18,140 --> 00:56:22,620 This place is not your home. 964 00:56:22,660 --> 00:56:25,580 We had plans, remember? 965 00:56:25,620 --> 00:56:26,980 The kiss. 966 00:56:27,020 --> 00:56:29,060 I remember a lot of things. Like, your girlfriend. 967 00:56:29,100 --> 00:56:30,380 Where is she? 968 00:56:30,380 --> 00:56:32,340 It's - it's not like that. We have an understanding. 969 00:56:32,380 --> 00:56:34,340 Really? That's not what she says. 970 00:56:34,380 --> 00:56:36,020 Wait - you're not still talking to her? 971 00:56:36,060 --> 00:56:38,020 I have to, Jon! You won't. 972 00:56:38,060 --> 00:56:39,580 Jesus, Corey, that's really unethical. 973 00:56:39,620 --> 00:56:40,460 Yeah? 974 00:56:40,500 --> 00:56:43,380 Tell me a little something about ethics. 975 00:56:43,420 --> 00:56:45,820 Don't! 976 00:56:45,860 --> 00:56:48,180 I can't help it. 977 00:56:48,220 --> 00:56:50,900 I feel like I can't breathe without you. 978 00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:53,620 Use your inhaler. You always forget. 979 00:56:53,660 --> 00:56:56,380 Sometimes you don't appreciate what you have 980 00:56:56,420 --> 00:56:58,900 Until you lose it. 981 00:56:58,940 --> 00:57:01,780 You! I didn't appreciate what I had with you! 982 00:57:01,820 --> 00:57:08,020 I didn't realize. 983 00:57:08,060 --> 00:57:11,980 - You do now? - Yeah. 984 00:57:12,020 --> 00:57:14,020 No matter how scared I was, 985 00:57:14,060 --> 00:57:17,580 No matter how much I wanted or needed, 986 00:57:17,620 --> 00:57:23,940 I should've never done anything to hurt you. 987 00:57:23,980 --> 00:57:58,340 I told you not to come back, unless... 988 00:57:58,380 --> 00:58:03,900 [Moaning] 989 00:58:03,940 --> 00:58:06,780 I have missed this! 990 00:58:06,820 --> 00:58:08,420 That was a mistake. 991 00:58:08,460 --> 00:58:11,180 A mistake? Are you kidding me?! 992 00:58:11,180 --> 00:58:13,180 This was fucking perfect! 993 00:58:13,180 --> 00:58:15,180 You felt it too, I know you did. 994 00:58:15,180 --> 00:58:18,460 It wasn't you. I just need time. 995 00:58:18,500 --> 00:58:19,740 [Car horn] 996 00:58:19,780 --> 00:58:22,620 You should probably get your clothes and go. 997 00:58:22,620 --> 00:58:24,420 Hey! 998 00:58:24,460 --> 00:58:27,580 I had Jimbo watch the shop, I didn't want you to miss out 999 00:58:27,620 --> 00:58:28,460 On your birthday... 1000 00:58:28,460 --> 00:58:30,460 What the fuck, we didn't order a pizza! 1001 00:58:30,460 --> 00:58:34,460 Wait a minute... the pizza guy's gay?! 1002 00:58:34,500 --> 00:58:36,260 Pete! Don't go! 1003 00:58:36,300 --> 00:58:38,820 There is some old lady outside in a minivan 1004 00:58:38,860 --> 00:58:39,820 About to lose her shit! 1005 00:58:39,860 --> 00:58:41,660 Oh fuck, my ride's here! 1006 00:58:41,700 --> 00:58:42,860 Your ride?! 1007 00:58:42,900 --> 00:58:44,860 What did you expect me to do, walk? 1008 00:58:44,900 --> 00:58:46,860 You've got to be fucking kidding me! 1009 00:58:46,900 --> 00:58:48,020 Kelse... 1010 00:58:48,060 --> 00:58:49,820 Hello, Jon? Are you here? 1011 00:58:49,860 --> 00:58:52,740 I've been waiting for half an hour, I've been worried... 1012 00:58:52,780 --> 00:58:54,220 - Corey?! - Hi. 1013 00:58:54,220 --> 00:58:55,420 What are you doing here? 1014 00:58:55,460 --> 00:58:57,660 He lives here. Alone, from now on. 1015 00:58:57,660 --> 00:59:00,140 Jon, Corey - oh my God! 1016 00:59:00,180 --> 00:59:01,540 Liss, it's not what it looks like! 1017 00:59:01,580 --> 00:59:04,100 It's exactly what it looks like! 1018 00:59:04,140 --> 00:59:07,700 Corey, have you been fucking my boyfriend? 1019 00:59:07,700 --> 00:59:11,180 Technically, you were fucking my boyfriend. 1020 00:59:11,220 --> 00:59:13,140 - Boyfriend? Really? - No. 1021 00:59:13,180 --> 00:59:16,580 I can't believe this, I can't believe I trusted you! 1022 00:59:16,620 --> 00:59:18,660 - Liss, sweetie... - I'm talking about him! 1023 00:59:18,700 --> 00:59:21,020 - Me? What about him?! - Oh, thanks. 1024 00:59:21,060 --> 00:59:23,020 Wait a minute - he was upfront with me! 1025 00:59:23,060 --> 00:59:25,300 He never tried to be a saint... Hi. 1026 00:59:25,340 --> 00:59:28,220 He just told me that, um... No! It was you! 1027 00:59:28,260 --> 00:59:30,460 I... was trying to protect you. 1028 00:59:30,460 --> 00:59:33,220 Well you should've tried harder! 1029 00:59:33,260 --> 00:59:34,860 No, Kelse, please don't go! 1030 00:59:34,900 --> 00:59:36,660 I needed you tonight, but no! 1031 00:59:36,700 --> 00:59:39,100 I've been trying to talk to you for like, a week, 1032 00:59:39,140 --> 00:59:40,580 But you're too busy, just like always. 1033 00:59:40,620 --> 00:59:41,460 Wait, Kelse! 1034 00:59:41,500 --> 00:59:42,900 Are you happy? You've totally destroyed 1035 00:59:42,900 --> 00:59:44,020 My whole fucking life. 1036 00:59:44,060 --> 00:59:46,020 Looks like you did that fine on your own! 1037 00:59:46,060 --> 00:59:47,140 Lissa, wait... 1038 00:59:47,180 --> 00:59:49,340 I bought you these! 1039 00:59:49,340 --> 00:59:51,340 I might still have the receipt, 1040 00:59:51,380 --> 00:59:53,100 And maybe I can get that back. 1041 00:59:53,140 --> 00:59:55,220 - Baby, wait... - Oh, I am not your baby! 1042 00:59:55,260 --> 00:59:57,220 And you are not mine! No, you... 1043 00:59:57,260 --> 00:59:58,420 Can find a ride home. 1044 00:59:58,460 --> 00:59:59,980 Where am I supposed to go? 1045 01:00:00,020 --> 01:00:01,260 I don't care! 1046 01:00:01,300 --> 01:00:06,620 You two are perfect for each other. 1047 01:00:06,660 --> 01:00:32,780 Give me that! 1048 01:00:32,820 --> 01:00:37,580 Hey, mom... 1049 01:00:37,620 --> 01:01:29,420 * * * 1050 01:01:29,460 --> 01:01:32,900 Did you throw up on the stairs? 1051 01:01:32,940 --> 01:01:35,860 It looks like a Banksy. 1052 01:01:35,900 --> 01:01:39,420 I go in front of the licensing board in a week. 1053 01:01:39,420 --> 01:01:42,460 It's supposed to be confidential, but... 1054 01:01:42,500 --> 01:01:43,540 What? 1055 01:01:43,580 --> 01:01:48,260 Melissa may have mentioned it to a few people... 1056 01:01:48,260 --> 01:01:49,700 Online. 1057 01:01:49,740 --> 01:01:52,260 Hello, internet! 1058 01:01:52,300 --> 01:01:55,700 Have you seen this man?! 1059 01:01:55,700 --> 01:01:58,140 Don't let him fuck your boyfriend. 1060 01:01:58,140 --> 01:01:59,660 Cause you know what? 1061 01:01:59,700 --> 01:02:02,340 He might want to FUCK YOUR BOYFRIEND! 1062 01:02:02,340 --> 01:02:04,340 CAUSE HE'S A BOYFRIEND-FUCKER! 1063 01:02:04,380 --> 01:02:06,500 That's what he is, he's a boyfriend-fucker! 1064 01:02:06,540 --> 01:02:09,340 So find him before he fucks your boyfriend! 1065 01:02:09,380 --> 01:02:12,140 Wow, that's a happy lady. 1066 01:02:12,180 --> 01:02:14,700 52,000 views. Good for you. 1067 01:02:14,740 --> 01:02:17,660 Yeah, hating me has gone viral. 1068 01:02:17,660 --> 01:02:21,140 That's what happens when they catch you ridin' dirty, hoss! 1069 01:02:21,180 --> 01:02:23,140 Aw, don't be gross. 1070 01:02:23,180 --> 01:02:24,940 Gross? Gross is walking in, 1071 01:02:24,980 --> 01:02:28,380 Watching you work your scuzzy ex like a Shake Weight, 1072 01:02:28,420 --> 01:02:31,340 That's gross! 1073 01:02:31,340 --> 01:02:35,500 Oh, whatever. Oh, fuck my life! 1074 01:02:35,540 --> 01:02:37,940 What did you end up doing on yor birthday? 1075 01:02:37,980 --> 01:02:42,180 Oh, y'know, shotgunned three boxes of Chablis 1076 01:02:42,220 --> 01:02:45,620 And a case of Mexican-style Aerosol cheez. 1077 01:02:45,620 --> 01:02:48,220 Officially, I still hate you. 1078 01:02:48,260 --> 01:02:49,500 Okay. 1079 01:02:49,540 --> 01:02:52,940 - But unofficially... - I'm so sorry. 1080 01:02:52,980 --> 01:02:55,700 I know you are. Dumb slut. 1081 01:02:55,740 --> 01:02:59,380 Sex with an ex, the dirty dance of death! 1082 01:02:59,420 --> 01:03:02,420 His cock should come with a warning label: 1083 01:03:02,460 --> 01:03:05,980 "Not to be taken internally." 1084 01:03:06,020 --> 01:03:12,060 Right up there. 1085 01:03:12,100 --> 01:03:14,420 I'm going home to Tehachapi. 1086 01:03:14,460 --> 01:03:17,460 Gonna live in a trailer with mom. 1087 01:03:17,500 --> 01:03:20,460 Probably sit out on the porch and play a banjo. 1088 01:03:20,500 --> 01:03:22,460 Contemplate messing with tourists. 1089 01:03:22,500 --> 01:03:25,460 - What about the... - It's gone, Corey. 1090 01:03:25,500 --> 01:03:29,860 The coffee bar's gone. There's nothing left to do. 1091 01:03:29,900 --> 01:03:50,860 I'm going home. 1092 01:03:50,900 --> 01:04:11,940 Oh no. 1093 01:04:11,940 --> 01:04:13,180 [Phone ringing] 1094 01:04:13,220 --> 01:04:15,700 Voicemail: Hey, you've reached Pete, leave a message. 1095 01:04:15,740 --> 01:04:19,660 I know, I know you probably hate me, 1096 01:04:19,700 --> 01:04:23,260 But I want you to know how sorry I am. 1097 01:04:23,300 --> 01:04:29,660 About your uncle, and about... what I did. 1098 01:04:29,700 --> 01:04:35,180 God, if you were here with me, I would just do... 1099 01:04:35,220 --> 01:04:36,380 Hey. 1100 01:04:36,420 --> 01:04:38,180 Backflips. 1101 01:04:38,220 --> 01:04:41,100 Hi. 1102 01:04:41,140 --> 01:04:43,660 I'm... 1103 01:04:43,700 --> 01:04:47,340 I'm sorry if I interrupted your phone call. 1104 01:04:47,380 --> 01:04:50,940 Pete, I am so sorry. 1105 01:04:50,980 --> 01:04:54,980 Please listen, please listen, please... 1106 01:04:55,020 --> 01:05:08,540 Look, whatever you have to say, just say it. 1107 01:05:08,580 --> 01:05:10,860 I'm sorry I cheated. 1108 01:05:10,860 --> 01:05:14,220 I'm sorry for being so selfish. 1109 01:05:14,260 --> 01:05:17,900 I'm sorry about the movie. 1110 01:05:17,940 --> 01:05:20,780 I'm sorry about being so insane about my birthday. 1111 01:05:20,820 --> 01:05:24,580 I'm sorry about hogging all the even-numbered pretzels, 1112 01:05:24,580 --> 01:05:26,580 It's not fair when I do that. 1113 01:05:26,580 --> 01:05:32,540 I'm sorry about... 1114 01:05:32,580 --> 01:05:35,700 For the Kennedy assassination? 1115 01:05:35,740 --> 01:05:40,060 "I'm sorry about global warming." 1116 01:05:40,100 --> 01:05:41,940 And skinny jeans? 1117 01:05:41,980 --> 01:05:45,180 Yeah. My fault. 1118 01:05:45,220 --> 01:05:51,340 "And most of all..." 1119 01:05:51,380 --> 01:05:56,220 I'm really sorry about your uncle. 1120 01:05:56,260 --> 01:05:59,980 Yeah, he was a good man. 1121 01:05:59,980 --> 01:06:03,340 Look, just forget it. I understand what happened. 1122 01:06:03,380 --> 01:06:07,420 Well, that makes one of us. 1123 01:06:07,420 --> 01:06:11,780 We had a good start. We had a great start. 1124 01:06:11,820 --> 01:06:14,660 I just don't think either one of us were ready. 1125 01:06:14,700 --> 01:06:18,380 In these crazy, stressed-out times, it's... 1126 01:06:18,420 --> 01:06:21,420 Hard to really know what matters. 1127 01:06:21,460 --> 01:06:25,700 - I'm leaving town tomorrow. - What? 1128 01:06:25,740 --> 01:06:28,740 I just came her to say goodbye. 1129 01:06:28,740 --> 01:06:31,860 To this place. To my uncle Sal. 1130 01:06:31,900 --> 01:06:36,180 - No, you can't leave! - I can't? 1131 01:06:36,220 --> 01:06:39,260 Give me one good reason why. 1132 01:06:39,300 --> 01:06:41,060 - School. - School's out. 1133 01:06:41,100 --> 01:06:43,700 - Poetry reading? - Kelsey's is closed. 1134 01:06:43,740 --> 01:06:45,020 - Pizzeria! - Corey... 1135 01:06:45,060 --> 01:06:48,460 Hey, pizza is the lifeblood of our community! 1136 01:06:48,500 --> 01:06:52,140 The gayborhood will starve without you! 1137 01:06:52,180 --> 01:06:56,500 You don't want that on your conscience, mister. 1138 01:06:56,500 --> 01:07:01,380 - What about the bears? - The bears? 1139 01:07:01,420 --> 01:07:03,660 And the otters... 1140 01:07:03,700 --> 01:07:06,340 And the twinks... the twinks will be fine. 1141 01:07:06,380 --> 01:07:08,420 They don't eat. 1142 01:07:08,460 --> 01:07:09,660 Think about... 1143 01:07:09,700 --> 01:07:12,020 Look, I'm going to go to Colorado, 1144 01:07:12,020 --> 01:07:15,220 And then down to New Mexico, maybe Texas. 1145 01:07:15,260 --> 01:07:17,940 Just, away. 1146 01:07:17,980 --> 01:07:21,380 - What does it matter? - You matter. 1147 01:07:21,420 --> 01:07:24,980 You matter to me. 1148 01:07:25,020 --> 01:07:27,180 I might be back at the end of summer. 1149 01:07:27,220 --> 01:07:29,660 That is so far away. 1150 01:07:29,700 --> 01:07:35,540 - Pete... - What? 1151 01:07:35,540 --> 01:07:40,140 Have a great summer. 1152 01:07:40,180 --> 01:07:45,860 [Phone ringing] 1153 01:07:45,900 --> 01:07:51,180 Jon, seriously, I do not - I'm not in the mood! 1154 01:07:51,220 --> 01:07:52,460 [Phone ringing] 1155 01:07:52,460 --> 01:07:54,220 Jon, dammit, for the love of God, 1156 01:07:54,260 --> 01:07:57,180 I am not going to do the dirty dance of death with... 1157 01:07:57,220 --> 01:08:02,620 Oh. Sorry. Yes? 1158 01:08:02,660 --> 01:08:08,300 No, this is Corey, her brother, may I... 1159 01:08:08,340 --> 01:08:09,740 No, she's out of town. 1160 01:08:09,740 --> 01:08:14,140 May I ask what this is in regards to? 1161 01:08:14,180 --> 01:08:19,380 Foreclosure auction? Tomorrow at noon? 1162 01:08:19,420 --> 01:08:21,420 Tomorrow at noon! Bye-bye! 1163 01:08:21,460 --> 01:08:32,420 Tomorrow at noon! Tomorrow at noon! 1164 01:08:32,460 --> 01:08:33,900 Well, here's all this crap! 1165 01:08:33,940 --> 01:08:35,900 Got a match? I want to burn it. 1166 01:08:35,940 --> 01:08:38,500 Well, there's that positive, sunshine-y attitude! 1167 01:08:38,500 --> 01:08:40,420 You want to save your place, or not? 1168 01:08:40,460 --> 01:08:41,540 Yes, but... 1169 01:08:41,540 --> 01:08:43,460 Well then sit back and watch me work my 1170 01:08:43,500 --> 01:08:44,820 Organizational magic. 1171 01:08:44,860 --> 01:08:48,300 Or, as I like to call it... crazy. 1172 01:08:48,340 --> 01:08:51,100 This time, "crazy" is going to save your bacon. 1173 01:08:51,140 --> 01:08:56,300 Bacon! I'm hungry, let's order pizza! 1174 01:08:56,340 --> 01:09:02,900 Better make it Chinese. 1175 01:09:02,940 --> 01:09:05,180 I don't understand your system. 1176 01:09:05,220 --> 01:09:07,180 The yellow ones are accounts payable, 1177 01:09:07,220 --> 01:09:09,620 And the white ones are accounts receivable. 1178 01:09:09,660 --> 01:09:10,940 These are all yellow! 1179 01:09:10,940 --> 01:09:13,180 I ran out of white paper, okay?! 1180 01:09:13,220 --> 01:09:15,900 God, this is crazy, they'll never go for it. 1181 01:09:15,940 --> 01:09:17,900 According to this, you're not even broke. 1182 01:09:17,940 --> 01:09:19,860 When do you send out bills? 1183 01:09:19,900 --> 01:09:22,900 I don't like to be a buzzkill, people pay when they can, 1184 01:09:22,940 --> 01:09:24,300 It's totally cool. 1185 01:09:24,340 --> 01:09:27,020 Bankruptcy is not cool! 1186 01:09:27,060 --> 01:09:28,820 Are you updating your Twitter? 1187 01:09:28,860 --> 01:09:31,740 I am making you a business plan. 1188 01:09:31,780 --> 01:09:34,220 I don't have a fucking business plan! 1189 01:09:34,260 --> 01:09:37,700 Well, you do now, missy. 1190 01:09:37,740 --> 01:09:40,100 - Bam! - Blam! 1191 01:09:40,100 --> 01:09:42,820 - Hey, what is this? - Just leave it! 1192 01:09:42,860 --> 01:09:45,380 This is today! This is in an hour! 1193 01:09:45,420 --> 01:09:46,940 Your hearing is in an hour! 1194 01:09:46,940 --> 01:09:48,940 So is your auction! 1195 01:09:48,940 --> 01:09:50,940 Call them to reschedule! 1196 01:09:50,980 --> 01:09:52,220 No, it's too late. 1197 01:09:52,260 --> 01:09:54,420 I'll go down there and deal with it after. 1198 01:09:54,460 --> 01:09:56,220 AFTERWARDS WILL BE TOO LATE! 1199 01:09:56,260 --> 01:09:58,900 Wow! Then I'll learn how to pour coffee. 1200 01:09:58,940 --> 01:10:01,300 Oh God, I'd kill myself if I had to work with 1201 01:10:01,340 --> 01:10:02,540 You every day. 1202 01:10:02,580 --> 01:10:05,260 I mean that with love, sweetie. 1203 01:10:05,300 --> 01:10:20,180 Come on! 1204 01:10:20,220 --> 01:10:23,580 So, who drove you this time? My mom? 1205 01:10:23,620 --> 01:10:26,340 Funny. Today's the day, huh? 1206 01:10:26,380 --> 01:10:29,180 Yeah, this is it, time to pay the piper. 1207 01:10:29,220 --> 01:10:34,780 I'm sorry. I feel really horrible. 1208 01:10:34,820 --> 01:10:39,220 Hey, I'm an adult. Today's my fault, not yours. 1209 01:10:39,260 --> 01:10:44,380 Okay, I absolve you - go forth and sin some more, my son. 1210 01:10:44,420 --> 01:10:52,380 You know if I could do anything to fix it... 1211 01:10:52,420 --> 01:10:54,260 That would be a miracle. 1212 01:10:54,300 --> 01:10:56,940 I gotta go, I'm going to be late for my own hanging. 1213 01:10:56,940 --> 01:11:00,580 Kelse, c'mon! 1214 01:11:00,580 --> 01:11:41,940 Why am I the damn pack mule?! 1215 01:11:41,980 --> 01:11:44,460 So, as you can see in Schedule C, 1216 01:11:44,460 --> 01:11:47,900 The projected revenue stream in the first six months 1217 01:11:47,940 --> 01:11:50,820 Is consistent with growth in small businesses 1218 01:11:50,860 --> 01:11:54,740 In the area, as foot traffic increases the... 1219 01:11:54,780 --> 01:11:58,260 During the late... seasonally, it's... 1220 01:11:58,300 --> 01:12:01,220 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hm. Yep. 1221 01:12:01,260 --> 01:12:04,980 I read all of it's... words. Words! 1222 01:12:05,020 --> 01:12:06,980 There's a lot of words. 1223 01:12:07,020 --> 01:12:09,140 Did I do something wrong? 1224 01:12:09,180 --> 01:12:12,300 No, no! It's perfect. 1225 01:12:12,340 --> 01:12:13,420 It's anal. 1226 01:12:13,460 --> 01:12:18,220 It's loan paperwork, and banking, and it's just... ugh. 1227 01:12:18,220 --> 01:12:20,220 It just makes me want to barf. 1228 01:12:20,260 --> 01:12:21,460 But you're a loan officer. 1229 01:12:21,500 --> 01:12:26,020 That is what I do! That is not who I am! 1230 01:12:26,060 --> 01:12:29,660 You know who I am? 1231 01:12:29,700 --> 01:12:31,660 I'M A DANCER! 1232 01:12:31,700 --> 01:12:34,300 [Grindr message tone] 1233 01:12:34,340 --> 01:12:38,100 Oh, stop the... you gotta turn it down, turn it down... 1234 01:12:38,140 --> 01:12:40,740 Please, please, how do you do it? 1235 01:12:40,780 --> 01:12:42,980 Oh, that guy. 1236 01:12:43,020 --> 01:12:45,500 I know that guy - that guy came in! 1237 01:12:45,540 --> 01:12:47,500 That guy paid off your loan! 1238 01:12:47,540 --> 01:12:48,620 WHAT?! 1239 01:12:48,660 --> 01:12:50,020 Pete paid off our loan? 1240 01:12:50,060 --> 01:12:51,660 Yeah! He sold his business. 1241 01:12:51,660 --> 01:12:52,700 He closed his account. 1242 01:12:52,740 --> 01:12:54,700 He paid off your balance. 1243 01:12:54,740 --> 01:12:56,460 With so much money. 1244 01:12:56,500 --> 01:13:01,780 So much sexy, sexual, erotic... money. 1245 01:13:01,820 --> 01:13:03,780 So what are we... 1246 01:13:03,820 --> 01:13:05,100 - I love money. - Yeah... 1247 01:13:05,140 --> 01:13:07,740 Sorry to interrupt - what are we doing here? 1248 01:13:07,780 --> 01:13:09,980 I don't know what you're doing here. 1249 01:13:10,020 --> 01:13:13,540 But I know what we're doing here. 1250 01:13:13,580 --> 01:13:16,900 Dancing. Right? Dancing! 1251 01:13:16,940 --> 01:13:22,820 What kind of bank is this? 1252 01:13:22,860 --> 01:13:28,860 Oh, shit! I gotta go! 1253 01:13:28,860 --> 01:13:30,860 Good luck at the hearing! 1254 01:13:30,860 --> 01:13:39,580 I thought he'd never leave! 1255 01:13:39,620 --> 01:13:43,340 It's over. They all left. 1256 01:13:43,340 --> 01:13:45,340 I need to tell you how sorry I am. 1257 01:13:45,380 --> 01:13:49,540 - I never meant to... - I withdrew the complaint. 1258 01:13:49,580 --> 01:13:51,420 Why? 1259 01:13:51,420 --> 01:13:54,900 A friend of ours told me a story. 1260 01:13:54,940 --> 01:13:56,900 What kind of story? 1261 01:13:56,940 --> 01:14:03,060 Well, it was a story about this great guy, 1262 01:14:03,060 --> 01:14:05,900 Whose heart was broken into pieces 1263 01:14:05,900 --> 01:14:09,180 By this hot, horny, dumb kid, 1264 01:14:09,220 --> 01:14:15,020 Who was just trying to figure out what he wanted. 1265 01:14:15,060 --> 01:14:17,020 How does the story end? 1266 01:14:17,060 --> 01:14:21,540 You know, before this whole situation happened, 1267 01:14:21,580 --> 01:14:25,460 I didn't understand how far you can go 1268 01:14:25,500 --> 01:14:27,860 When you lose someone you love. 1269 01:14:27,900 --> 01:14:31,860 Or sometimes... sometimes not far enough. 1270 01:14:31,900 --> 01:14:34,420 Yeah - I see now that you were 1271 01:14:34,460 --> 01:14:36,420 Trying to get me to see other people. 1272 01:14:36,460 --> 01:14:38,860 But I didn't! I didn't do enough. 1273 01:14:38,900 --> 01:14:41,420 When my husband left me, 1274 01:14:41,460 --> 01:14:44,140 I did not have a friend in the world. 1275 01:14:44,140 --> 01:14:46,820 I don't know what I would have done without you. 1276 01:14:46,860 --> 01:14:48,020 You would've been fine. 1277 01:14:48,060 --> 01:14:49,820 No. You helped me get through it. 1278 01:14:49,860 --> 01:14:56,660 You helped me get out, and try to rebuild my life. 1279 01:14:56,700 --> 01:15:02,300 And it cost you. 1280 01:15:02,340 --> 01:15:10,860 You know, I just hope that some day, you find somebody 1281 01:15:10,860 --> 01:15:14,140 That helps you go through things too. 1282 01:15:14,180 --> 01:15:18,940 Whether it be a friend, or a love. 1283 01:15:18,940 --> 01:15:25,020 Or whatever. 1284 01:15:25,060 --> 01:15:28,580 I gotta go catch him. 1285 01:15:28,580 --> 01:15:31,260 Thank you. 1286 01:15:31,300 --> 01:15:33,860 Um, okay, so I'll see you around. 1287 01:15:33,900 --> 01:15:34,900 Professionally? 1288 01:15:34,940 --> 01:15:36,900 Oh, not a chance in hell. 1289 01:15:36,940 --> 01:15:38,180 Good call. 1290 01:15:38,220 --> 01:15:57,900 * * * 1291 01:15:57,940 --> 01:16:30,180 [Crowd cheering] 1292 01:16:30,220 --> 01:16:32,700 Dammit, where is he?! 1293 01:16:32,740 --> 01:16:35,820 I think you found him. 1294 01:16:35,860 --> 01:16:39,380 My whole life, I have waited, 1295 01:16:39,420 --> 01:16:43,140 So long, for the perfect moment. 1296 01:16:43,180 --> 01:16:46,660 The perfect, cookie-cutter life. 1297 01:16:46,700 --> 01:16:47,780 Corey... 1298 01:16:47,820 --> 01:16:50,140 If you need to go, go. 1299 01:16:50,180 --> 01:16:51,460 Corey... 1300 01:16:51,500 --> 01:16:55,540 But all I want to say, is that when we're together, 1301 01:16:55,580 --> 01:17:01,020 Every moment is the perfect moment. 1302 01:17:01,060 --> 01:17:02,340 So... 1303 01:17:02,340 --> 01:17:10,580 Where do you want to go first? 1304 01:17:10,580 --> 01:17:13,140 Anywhere. 1305 01:17:13,180 --> 01:17:14,460 Everywhere. 1306 01:17:14,500 --> 01:17:18,020 Right now? Right this second? 1307 01:17:18,060 --> 01:17:21,660 KELSEY, I'M RUNNING AWAY WITH PETE! 1308 01:17:21,700 --> 01:17:24,180 And I don't know when I'm going to be back! 1309 01:17:24,220 --> 01:17:28,140 A few weeks, or a few months... 1310 01:17:28,180 --> 01:17:34,980 Or whatever! 1311 01:17:35,020 --> 01:17:37,220 Free drinks for all you faggots! 1312 01:17:37,260 --> 01:17:43,140 [Cheering] 1313 01:17:43,180 --> 01:17:48,300 Ugh, smells like junior high! 1314 01:17:48,340 --> 01:17:52,100 - I love you, sis! - Love you more! 1315 01:17:52,140 --> 01:17:55,580 Where do you want to go first? 1316 01:17:55,620 --> 01:18:00,580 Surprise me. 1317 01:18:00,620 --> 01:18:03,060 Let's go! 1318 01:18:03,100 --> 01:23:35,140 * * * 1319 01:23:51,060 --> 01:23:55,060 - Thanks for the ride. - No, thank you. 1320 01:23:55,100 --> 01:23:57,260 For what? 1321 01:23:57,300 --> 01:24:09,860 The ride. 1322 01:24:09,900 --> 01:24:18,580 - Hey, Kyle! - Jon! Great to meet you. 1323 01:24:18,620 --> 01:24:20,580 I'm gonna have a new daddy! 1324 01:24:20,620 --> 01:24:21,140 Did you say something? 86840