Original subtitles

Thank you for being a friend

Travelled down the road and back again

Your heart is true

You’re a pal and a confidante

And if you threW a party

Invited everyone you knew

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say

"Thank you for being a friend"

On the last episode of The Golden Girls.

I'm sorry, Mrs PetriIIo,

I have no choice but to bring you in on a charge of negligent arson.

My mother is 85 years old. I mean, surely...

I'm sorry. The law recognises no age limits.

Mrs Petrillo, you're under arrest.

Ma, they can't prove that you started that fire at Shady Pines.

And you are not going to jail.

You can't be sure of that, pussycat, so I'm doing what I have to do.

I'm jumping bail and moving back to Sicily.

Oh, hi, Ma. How was your nap?

Nap? I didn't take a nap. I'm a nervous wreck.

How could I sleep a wink with this prison thing hanging over my head?

-Let's grab lunch. -Ma, it's dinnertime.

I guess I did take a nap.

Ma, I don't know why you're nervous. You are not going to prison.

I feel like I already am in prison

with you keeping an eye on me 24 hours a day.

Are you going to keep doing that for the rest of my life?

No. Only until you give up this ridiculous idea

about leaving the country.

I'm not skipping bail, pussycat. I'd never make it.

Every cab driver, waitress and skycap between here and Sicily

would be only too eager to talk to the police.

-Why do you say that? -I under-tip.

Look, Ma, I know you're nervous,

but Herb is a brilliant lawyer,

and, honey, you have the love and support of all of us.

Now, is there anything I can get you from the kitchen?

Just bread and water, maybe I'll acquire a taste.

How's Sophia?

Well, she's over that crazy idea about Sicily,

but she's still very concerned about going to jail.

Who wouldn't be? It's a terrifying prospect to think about.

Prison! The coldness of it, the steel bars,

the wedges of cheese hanging overhead,

tantalisingly just out of reach.

-Let me guess. St Olaf County Jail? -And deli.

Look, we have to do everything we can to help Ma.

Now, the three of us have got to put our heads together

and try to figure out for certain how that fire got started.

You're so right, Dorothy, and we can start by ruling out the obvious.

Does Sophia have any friends who are, or ever have been, circus fire-eaters?

No.

Would she like to meet some?

Dorothy, don't you worry. Now, we'll get to the bottom of this.

Lord knows we've worked our way out of tight spots before.

Who was it who got us into that... Just a minute, now I remember...

Come on. It's worth a try.

It's either we sing or he sings.

Oh, all right.

-Well? -Well, what?

After my "Boom" comes your "Boom" and then yours,

until we're all "Booming."

How complicated is that herring thing?

Mr Sandman, bring me a dream

Make him the cutest

That I ’ve ever seen

Give him two lips

Like roses and clover

Then tell him that

His lonesome nights are over

Mr Sandman

Yes?

Bring me a dream

Make him the cutest

That I ’ve ever seen

Give him the word

That I’m not a rover

Then tell him that

His lonesome nights are over

Mr Sandman, I’m so alone...

Boy, you guys really stink.

Look. I'm not going outwith him. You go, Blanche.

-What? -Well, you like him. I know you do.

-So you go. -Well, I couldn't.

-Of course she couldn't! -You stay out of this, Dorothy.

Well, why not? It's all over between us. He'll know that tonight.

Well, it's impossible! I'd feel like a...

A backstabbing slut?

No.

Then please go. For me.

I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.

Well, since you put it that way.

But only as a personal favour to you, honey.

-I guess I'd better go get dressed. -Thank you, Blanche.

Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

Well, now that we know we can work our way out ofjams,

exactly how are we gonna work our way out of this one?

You know, there's one thing we could do.

-We could get something to eat. -Can we concentrate?

It seems like all we ever do around here is eat.

Maybe it's all you ever do.

Oh, excuse me.

I forgot about all those other appetites you satisfy before going to the fridge.

My life is more than just sex and food. I take care of this house.

Why, just the other day, we had a leak and the gas man came out.

Oh, no, wait a minute. I guess that falls under sex.

And you did fix him a sandwich afterwards.

Oh, yeah. I guess sex and food are a big part of our lives.

In fact, just recently, last summer or last spring,

it's so hard to remember which...

Why does it have to be so hard?

The hardest part for me

was explaining to my Kirsten the difference between boys and girls.

I knew the time had come, but I kept putting it off.

Finally, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns.

-So you told her? -No.

I took the bull by the horns,

turned him around and showed her what makes a bull a bull.

You are kidding, Rose.

No. That's how my mother taught me.

Honey, didn't that give you a false impression

about what a man would look like?

It sure did.

Can you imagine my surprise on my wedding night with Charlie?

Boy, that bull would have been jealous.

Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it.

What is this hold that Buzz has over you?

I know exactly what she's going through, Dorothy.

First love can be very powerful.

I felt the same way about Heyward Boyle,

the star pitcher on our high school baseball team.

An amazing athlete. That boy had exceptional control.

He was always up for extra innings.

-And his delivery. Oh, that... -All right, Blanche. Enough!

Yeah. We get it.

So what was he like in bed?

I'm gonna have to agree with Blanche on this one.

Half the fun is in getting there,

and, boy, did your father and I have fun trying for you.

Ma, I don't think I want to hear this.

I wasn't gonna tell you until you're 60, but I think you can handle it now.

We lived in New York at the time,

and there was the San Gennaro festival every year.

And your father, may he rest in peace until I get there,

got so turned on by the festivities one year,

he couldn't wait till we got home.

Oh, Ma.

So he took me right there behind the sausage and pepper stand.

Hey, we were behind the garbage cans.

It's not like we were in front of everybody.

I can relate to the festivities part, Sophia.

All our children were conceived on special St Olaf holidays.

Adam was conceived on the Day of the Princess Pig

when they had the pig crowning.

And Jonella was conceived on Hay Day.

That's the day we St Olafians celebrate hay.

Rose, do you think you can wrap this up before Rebecca goes into labour?

Then there was the Day of the Wheat

when everybody came to town dressed as sandwiches.

Charlie and I forgot to put cheese between us

and before I knew it, there was Kirsten.

Look, Blanche, what Rebecca is doing is really not so terrible.

I mean, look, among the four of us,

each of us conceived our children in a different way.

I was totally unconscious.

When I came to, there was Stan carving a notch in his dashboard.

-I never bought that unconscious story. -I swear.

-He must have slipped me something. -Apparently.

-Those stories made me hungry. -They made me horny.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we call the pizza guy?

See, we both win.

Hello. What?

Oh, my God!

It's Ma. She's at the airport.

They caught her trying to buy a ticket out of the country.

Can you believe Ma? Trying to go to Sicily on my credit card.

She would've made it, too,

if her chef's knife hadn't shown up on the scanner.

You want to know something crazy? I actually feel responsible for this.

If I'd never checked her into Shady Pines,

she never would have made those S'mores,

there never would have been a fire, and none of this would have happened.

Hey, when you look at it like that, you are responsible.

Yeah, I never had thought about it that way.

You know, it is like they're trying the wrong person. It is your fault.

Wait a second, girls.

Can you imagine being the one to put your mother in jail?

It was just a theory.

-Follow that lady to Guilt City! -Now stop it, now stop it.

-Look, nobody's to blame for this. -She's rationalising.

Look, instead of pointing fingers,

I thought we were gonna try to find a way out of this.

Well, we certainly are in the right place for it. The kitchen, Crisis Central.

Yeah, we sure have solved a lot of problems in this room.

I mean a lot.

Dorothy, it wasn't that long ago that you...

It's you. I thought maybe Sophia had come home.

No. She'll be back in the morning.

She's trying to teach me a lesson. I know my mother.

Oh, really?

You're the one who said she wasn't going to leave in the first place.

You know, Dorothy, it's not just your mother who left.

I feel like she's my mother, too.

I know, honey. But don't worry, she'll be back.

Now that she's gone, who am I going to go to in the middle of the night

with my deepest personal problems?

Wait a minute.

You went to my mother's room in the middle of the night?

Many, many times. Two or three times a week.

And she was always so kind and comforting.

I don't understand.

Every time I'd knock on her door late at night, she'd say,

"Not now, I'm watching Bob Costas."

-Sophia doesn't have a TV in her room. -I know.

Then after we finished talking,

she'd always give me a piece of hard candy and a kiss good night.

I can't sleep.

And what's worse, I went to Sophia's room for one of our talks,

and then I remembered she left. Thanks to you, Dorothy.

You had late-night talks with my mother?

All the time.

And she gave you hard candy?

No. I'd ask, but she was always afraid I'd choke on it.

Why didn't somebody tell me it was dinnertime?

Ma, it's not dinner, it's the middle of the night.

Good. Then I'm dressed for it.

Blanche is upset.

Well, you would be, too, if your daughter...

Oh, I can't even say it.

What could have happened? The two of you were getting so close.

My little girl is gonna have a baby by artificial insemination.

I just can't bear to think about it.

I'm just being silly, aren't I?

For God's sake, somebody say something.

Big help.

Dorothy, what about you?

You're always the sensible one around here, the free, modern thinker

who keeps up with the times. Now what do you think?

Dorothy, maybe we should all get some rest

and try to figure a way out for Sophia tomorrow.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Dorothy, can we look in on Sophia, too?

-She is like a mother to us. -I think she'd like that. Here's the key.

I've been thinking about what we should do

in case they do send Sophia off.

-What? Appeal? -No, a party! A prison party.

I made a list of all the men we should invite.

And we'll be like the judges.

"I sentence you to 10 minutes with me on the lanai."

See, some can be convicts, and some can be guards.

What are you looking at?

I just cannot believe how much you think about men.

Well, hey, men are an important part of my life.

Not just my life, they're an important part of all our lives.

Seems like hardly a day goes by here there's not an incident

about some man that we're dating, or used to date, or want to date...

Pussycat, I'm going outwith my friends.

Can you give me some money?

What happened to the money I gave you last night?

Let's see, 10 bucks went for cover charge,

10 bucks went for a round of drinks,

and the other 10 went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer

named Mr Big.

I know that guy.

That's just a stage name.

So, Ted, did I hear someone say you were a doctor?

He's not just a doctor.

He happens to be one of the top neurosurgeons in the Midwest.

-Get out of here. -He's also heavy into real estate.

It's nothing much, really. I just own a few mini-malls.

Your wife must be very proud of you.

Actually, we're divorced.

I'm terribly, terribly sorry.

Hello, girls. Dorothy, Rose, you all remember Lazlo.

Of course, Lazlo, the artist from your museum.

Oh, we really enjoyed your lecture on modern sculpture.

I didn't think anyone was paying attention.

We sure were. Especially Dorothy.

She even talked about taking up sculpting.

-Really, Dorothy? -Oh, no, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You said you'd like to help him mould his clay or buff his marble anytime.

Rose, you're such a kidder.

What is sex, after all?

Two clunky old bodies thrashing around against each other.

Like animals.

You get all sweaty and flushed.

Your hair gets mussed.

You lose your breath.

You lose your earrings.

Your mouth waters.

Your nose runs.

Your heart races.

-Your blood races. -Rose...

-Say it, Ernie. -It's time, Rose.

Cheque, please!

I'm not saying I want her to go to prison.

I'm saying if she goes to prison, we have the theme for the party.

Trying to get hold of the fire inspector who inspected Shady Pines.

I just wanted to double-check

that there wasn't anything wrong with the building.

-And? -And get this.

They said the inspector quit three days after the Shady Pines fire.

It seems he mysteriously came into some money

and moved to an exclusive Palm Beach neighbourhood.

Do you know what that means?

Rose! Of course I know what this means.

Then will you explain it to me?

It all sounded suspicious, but I couldn't quite piece it together.

Rose, you nitwit, that means the guy was probably on the take.

I told you everything would be fine, Ma.

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's have a getting-out-of-prison party.

See, everybody can pretend they've been locked up for about three years,

and they have all this pent-up sexual energy.

Everybody's all pumped up because all you ever do in prison is lift weights,

so we'll get all those muscle guys with homemade tattoos.

What are you looking at?

You did a good job, ladies,

but let's not forget, there still has to be a trial.

And Mrs Heartgrove's confession is pretty strong.

Ijust wish we had something that reflected on her credibility.

What if we had a video of her and a friend mooning a hot dog vendor?

That would totally discredit her.

Wait a minute. I just remembered who the friend was.

Can't use it. Moving on.

Well, if you think of anything else, please give me a call.

I have to be at the courthouse at a quarter to 3:00.

There’s no one in the place except you and me

That's what we were singing that night.

We were having a couple of NyQuil shooters

and singing One For My Baby.

I remember.

-Ma, you do? -Yeah.

I heard a smoke alarm, looked up

and saw flames coming out of the heater.

Maria was confused, I grabbed her and the hot plate and ran out!

-It was the heater! -Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. It was the heater.

You dig up that hot plate, Sophia, we'll go to the DA.

I think we've enough evidence to get these charges dropped.

Oh, Ma, I am so proud of you.

Now, honey, if you could just remember

where you left the hot plate.

I used it recently. Think, Sophia, think.

What's that smell?

My God, that's the smoke alarm in Sophia's room.

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah. Anyone for S'mores?

Well, Sophia, how's it feel to be home?

-I feel like a free man. -Well, you didn't actually go to jail.

Okay, forget the free part. I feel like a man.

I missed two oestrogen shots,

and I'm dying for a thick steak, smothered in onions, a tall cold one,

then going out and picking up a couple...

Ma!

-Can I tell you something, pussycat? -What?

I've never been so scared.

Not so much ofjail. It was not being here with all of you.

Only seeing you for 10 minutes a day on visitors day.

That's not enough time for Rose

to get one of her St Olaf stories off the runway.

All I'm trying to say is maybe you're not much, but you're all I've got.

-Am I crying, pussycat? -No, Ma.

I guess it wasn't as touching as I thought.

Oh, Ma, I'm just glad everything worked out.

I never want to have to go through that again.

I knew it would all be okay.

You know, Rose, I think you deserve a lot of the credit.

You were the only one smart enough to double-check on that fire inspector.

Yes. I'm proud of you, Rose.

Hey, you make it sound like it's the only smart thing I ever did.

I'll have you know I've done a lot of smart things over the years.

Remember?