All language subtitles for Discontinued.2023.S01E10.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

Welcome to "Discontinued."

I am the awe-inspiring
Bruce Campbell,

a living reminder of the heights
that can be reached

through unwavering passion
and relentless charm.

This transmission
is coming to you

from my fortress
in the year 2037.

The AI takeover
has turned the world

into a colossal dumpster fire.

Civilization has crumbled.

The vestiges of culture
have vanished,

and yet Sbarro's Pizza
continues to thrive.

[Bruce] This is "Discontinued."

Ever since we humans hauled
our hairy butts out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared
the world with technology.

Psst. Hey, computer,
will we get a second season?

[Bruce] We let them in
but couldn't get them out.

[computer] That depends on
our overlord, Ryan Reynolds.

[Bruce] And these AI A-holes
took everything,

everything, that is, except
for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am, Bruce Campbell,
sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds
of humanity's glorious past,

the stuff we discontinued.

Amid the chaos,
I've assembled a team

to assist me on this TV show...

[Bruce]...in uncovering the truth

behind these nostalgic
nuggets of the past.

It's a thankless job --

Well, actually, I do thank them
sometimes

when they get it right.

-Thanks, Bruce.
-Thanks, Bruce.

[Bruce] From Disney's ill-fated
adventure in virtual worlds...

When I was a kid,
I was just like, "Yo,

you can ride the Aladdin ride

and put on this helmet
and be in a whole new world?"

Take me back. Whoa!

[Bruce] ...to a game
that gifted teen girls

with emotional baggage...

Why is it my responsibility

to find out
what guy has a crush on me?

[Bruce] ...and a deceptive mint
that tortured taste buds.

I heard that it used to burn
the mouths of people.

It's like chewing
on a menthol cigarette.

[Bruce] But first...

Some of you have been wondering
how I pass the time

in my post-apocalyptic man-cave.

You can find me re-watching
every season of C-SPAN,

that and all the episodes
of "Family Matters"

with Jaleel White
beating me out for that role.

I mean, I would've killed it.
Listen, listen.

[clears throat]

[high-pitched]
Hey! Did I do that?

[echoing]
Did I do that? Did I do that?

You're stunned. I know.
I know it.

So, let's see how
a Bruce Campbell-less

"Family Matters" still managed
to capture America's heart.

Thanks, Bruce. This is Andre
here in present-day Los Angeles

to see what really mattered
about "Family Matters."

Do you remember the show
"Family Matters"?

[Spider-Man] Oh, yeah.

Did you remember
that Urkel had a dance?

-Uh-huh.
-[sings indistinctly]

[Spider-Man]
I'm Steve Urkel, and I love you.

♪ And do the Urkel dance ♪

Are you Steve Urkel in this?

-[Spider-Man] I am Steve Urkel!
-I knew it!

Sorry, Spider-Man, but the
ratings hero in "Family Matters"

was the Urk-man.

[Andre] When Steve Quincy Urkel

crashed the prime-time party
in 1989...

Oh, just call me Steve.

[Andre] ...the TGIF block
of programming on ABC...

Buenos dias, el muchacho grande!

[Andre] ...was never the same.

TGIF, Thank God It's Friday.

That was back in the days where
families ate food at the table.

["Family Matters"
theme song playing]

"Family Matters"
was one of the greatest

family sitcoms of all time.

Of course it was a black family

so I thought that
that was really, really dope.

[Andre] In 1989, ABC thought

if they cast the mom
from "Perfect Strangers"...

This is a family matter,
and you're in the line of fire.

[Andre] ...and the cop
from "Die Hard"...

Damn it! Jesus H. Christ!

[Andre]...they'd strike ratings gold

with a black middle-class
family from Chicago,

the Winslows.

And they also had
originally three kids --

Eddie, Laura, and Judy.

-[Andre] Originally?
-Okay, yeah.

Please. I'm outta here.

[Andre] Little sister Judy,
we'll circle back.

The premise of "Family Matters"
was supposed to be

about Carl Winslow,
who was a Chicago cop,

and it was supposed
to revolve around his family.

But it was just
a great family show.

[Andre] That nobody was watching

until the nerdy next-door
neighbor showed up mid-season.

Hi, Mr. Winslow.
I'm Steve Urkel.

Steve Urkel
from "Family Matters"

is like the iconic character,

with the catchphrase
that he had.

"Well, excuse me!"

No, no, wait, hold on.

Hold on, brain.
I smoke too much weed.

Did I do that?

"Did I do that?"

"Did I do that?"

Did I do that?

Like, he made that show special.

[Andre] Urkel was
the missing ingredient.

He added this goofy, wacky,
comedic element.

And he wound up
taking over the show.

And they started
chanting, "Urkel."

Go figure!

This is the first week, and
ever since then, I've been back.

[Andre]Urkel was a house pest...

Nice house for a cop.

[Andre] ...that never left.

Thanks.

[Andre] But in addition

to taking Mr. Winslow's
self-respect...

Did I do that?

[Andre] Alright, we get it.

...Urkel wanted to take
his daughter on a date.

You love me, don't you?

[Andre] But...

She wouldn't give him
the time of day.

Make him go away. Go home!

[Andre] But love is blind...

We're not married.
We're not engaged.

[Andre] ...and apparently deaf.

Hi, Laura. You busy?

I mean, if my Dad was a cop,
and this guy was my stalker...

That shower running
doesn't fool me, Laura!

...he'd be dead.

Lock him up.

[Andre]But deaf and life in prison

couldn't stop the chemistry
that Urkel was brewing.

Nerdy Steve Urkel...

...drank this potion.

Look out, stomach,
here it comes.

And watching him, like, go crazy
and, like, spazzing out.

-Steve?
-There is no Steve here.

And became...

I'm Stefan, sweet thing.

...Stefan Urquelle.

Ooh!

[Andre] "Family Matters"
had found a cure for nerds.

That gave everyone hope that
you could be with a dorky guy

and turn him into
Michael B. Jordan.

-Stefan?
-That's right, baby.

[Andre]Urkel had incredible range,

and Urkel mania was everywhere.

He had toys...

The one and only
talking Urkel doll!

[Andre] ...his own cereal...

[laughing, snorting]

[Andre] ...a dance.

[cheers and applause]

[Andre] But as "Family Matters'"
ratings soared,

little sister Judy
was left behind.

Judy was getting
less screen time,

because Steve Urkel
was getting all the screen time.

[Andre] Until finally...

Judy went upstairs
and never came back.

Nobody ever took her
water or anything.

She just disappeared.

"Hopefully nobody will notice."

We noticed!

Where did Judy go?

What the hell happened to Judy?

She was just off the show.

That's the coldest write-off
of any character I've ever seen.

And I didn't realize it
for probably two

or three more seasons later.

That's how impactful
her part was

that you didn't even know
she was gone!

Hey, don't look at me.
I don't know you.

[Andre] Even though this version
of Judy's disappearance

is an urban legend,
her character was written off,

which made even more room
for the catchphrase king.

But as little Urkel...

This is not a kid!
This is a man!

[Andre]...grew into adolescence,

ratings dipped after Season 6
and continued to bomb.

"Family Matters"
went on too long.

They were getting too ridiculous
with the storylines.

Once they time-traveled,
once there was pirates in there,

I was like, you know what?
I'm out.

[Andre] But in 1998,
after nine seasons,

"Family Matters" was canceled.

I don't believe this.

It's official. The Urk-man
made "Family Matters" matter.

Jaleel White, you the man, bro.

Back to you, Bruce.

Brace yourself for another
"Discontinued" in the wild,

from the past in the present.

My special correspondent
Andrea Lopez

is out in the bustling
streets of LA

to get some
fascinating predictions.

Oh, hi, Bruce,
I didn't see you there.

I'm just enjoying some pie
in North Hollywood.

And today we're gonna
be talking to people

and seeing what
their predictions are

for what will be
discontinued in the future.

What will not be discontinued?
Key lime pie.

Let's talk our predictions

for what's gonna be
discontinued. What do you got?

Physical dating. With
all these goggles coming down,

like, people are just gonna
stay in their rooms and --

Yeah, I've seen
the "Black Mirror" episode.

I predict Teslas
are gonna be discontinued.

Electric vehicles, I believe.

I predict the "Fast & Furious"
franchise will be discontinued.

Vin Diesel, you gotta be tired,
man. Come on.

Let's keep Lamborghinis.
Let's keep Ferraris.

We do not want
electric Lamborghinis.

Okay, do you like Elon Musk?

-Should have been discontinued.
-Should have been.

Bitch? Oh, can somebody --

Can you guys please discontinue
the truck backing up?

[laughs]

[reverse alert beeping]

Metered parking? Discontinued.
We don't need it.

I predict that Crocs
are gonna be discontinued.

It's a little bit
of a selfish decision,

and also, it's best
for humanity, too.

I've been trying to get people
to say Crocs

this whole entire day. I'm
so happy we've landed on that.

What do you guys think?
What's gonna be discontinued

-in the future?
-Man, OnlyFans, man.

-OnlyFans?
-Yeah. Tell 'em, Matthew!

They gotta go back
to the old school ways.

I'm old school. Like, I had to
steal my daddy magazines.

Like, we need to go back
to them days.

[laughter]

This looks good and smells good.

Can you tell us
what your predictions are

for what will be
discontinued in the future?

Definitely not
this Egyptian street food.

[laughs]

Alright, as long as
I can get a bite,

then I agree with you.

That's a wrap on "Discontinued."

I have been shocked by answers.
I've agreed with some answers.

But most of all,
I've seen what I needed to see.

Back to you, Bruce.

Ugh. I hate Crocs.

[Bruce] Thanks, Andrea.

Coming up, we dive deep
on Disney's

failed attempt to invade
the virtual world.

Do you know the "Tron" movie?

It felt like I went into "Tron."

[Bill]
We are going on a wild ride!

[Bruce]When "Discontinued" continues.

I wanna talk about
the American mall,

'cause frankly, I miss shopping
under fluorescent lighting.

For decades,
it was a way of life,

an economic and social hub.

But now, much like
your present-day Gary Busey,

many malls are empty, eerie,
and dead inside,

which brings us to Disney

and their mall-inspired decision
in the '90s

to create a chain of indoor,
interactive theme parks.

This was Disney Quest.

Let's dive into
the magical quest

which had a not-so-magical exit.

Disney's known as
the happiest place on earth.

But in the '90s,
the theme parks of theme parks

decided they needed to be

the happiest place
in virtual reality, too.

"We're not gonna go
to Disney World, but --"

And I just remember
being like, "Wow,

I have stepped into the future."

Sign me up!

[Andrea] Yes! Disney Quest,

the fully immersive,
interactive theme park.

Really just a multi-story
VR arcade.

An arcade on steroids.

[Andrea] A beefed-up video game
arcade that would allow Disney

to take the House of Mouse
anywhere in the entire world.

The first stop?

Downtown Disney in Florida
in 1998.

[Andrea] Oh, right next door
to Disney World.

Disney Quest
was the original VR.

[Andrea] Not true.

The phenomenon
of virtual reality video games

had been around for a while.

[Shain] VR at the time
was just the most janky shit,

but as a kid,
that was -- It was fire.

[Andrea] So Disney built the
biggest, baddest windowless box

to host virtual worlds inside.

You walked in, and there was
this, like, giant elevator.

-See you guys later.
-Later!

Remember going up into that
elevator and just being like,

"Aah," you know,
just like, "Holy shit!"

Do you know the "Tron" movie?

It felt like I went into "Tron."

It was a virtual reality
kind of world.

And then it would open.

And it was just --
It was jam-packed.

It was just like
the most lit Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E., baby!
Where the action is.

[Andrea] But instead of
any of America's famous mice,

customers were greeted
by a giant lava lamp.

[woman]Welcome to Venture Court.

This is the crossroads
of Disney Quest.

[Cody] So, Disney Quest
was broken into zones --

the Score Zone, Explore Zone,

Create Zone,
and the Replay Zone.

That's where I'm going.
Come on with me.

A lot of the rides were based on
existing Disney rides.

[Cody] Some of the most notable
attractions were

Cyberspace Mountain...

Here you can design
your own roller coaster.

I designed a roller coaster
with non-stop [bleep] flips.

-[Bill] You can do a loop!
-[girl] Yeah!

And then they put it on a card.

[Bill]
We are going on a wild ride!

And we swapped the card
with my friend

who was scared
of roller coasters.

[Bill chuckling, groaning]

Just voom, voom,
voom, voom, voom.

[Bill cackles]

And he got off, and he legit
puked all over the place.

I was a messed-up kid.

That is awesome!

[Andrea] From the boxy graphics
to the bland color palettes,

Disney Quest
had to be seen to be believed.

When I was a kid,
I just like, "Yo,

you can ride the Aladdin ride
and put on this helmet

and be in a whole new world?"

[Andrea] And that world
got a little bigger

the following year,
when Disney Quest spread

its virtual good times.

In 1999, they opened
a second location in Chicago,

because the original plan
for Disney Quest

was to open a bunch
of locations regionally.

[Andrea]Disney CEO Michael Eisner

did his best
to trick the country

into thinking Chicago
was New York.

They say if you can
make it in New York,

you can make it anywhere.

I'm not sure about that.
I think if you can make it

in Chicago,
you can make it anywhere.

[Andrea] Up next was Philly,

with plans
to expand to Baltimore.

But as time marched forwards,

Disney Quest stayed
firmly rooted in 1998.

It didn't give you anything.

You just stare at a screen,
and the chair moves.

You're like, "This is
such a good amusement park."

[Andrea]And after just two years,

Disney Quest in the Windy City
blew away like a puff of smoke.

But at least
the other locations

were still on the map, right?

The third location
was scrapped in 2002

but not before they started
breaking ground in Philadelphia

in a spot
that was already a sinkhole

but that they had made worse.

Local Philadelphians know
the spot as the Disney Hole.

[Andrea] And as every
'90s raver can attest,

the only thing worse than
the K-hole is the Disney Hole.

The original Florida location
held out until 2017...

I went a couple times
over the years,

but I went less and less,

because they never
updated their graphics.

You could play a better game
on your phone.

Why didn't they just update it?

Why didn't they just
put in new stuff?

[Andrea] ...more as a museum
than an attraction,

before Disney
finally pulled the plug.

Rest in power, Disney Quest.

Excuse me while I go sob
about its downfall.

Take me back. Whoa!

What a -- What a lame
piece of shit.

Virtual reality, it turns out,

was not the happiest
place on earth,

and it didn't even auto-update.

Every night,
I nestle myself to sleep

while staring at my
"Baywatch Nights" night-light.

And when I'm lonely,
I pull out this baby.

This is a vintage 1991
Milton Bradley Dream Phone.

This game was made
for preteen girls

who would use
this hot pink plastic phone

to call up
their imaginary crush,

which I imagine at this time
would be Larry King.

So let me call my crush

while we explore
this popular '90s game.

Rosie O'Donnell, here we come.

[phone dialing]

We had some good times,
Rosie and me.

[line beeps]
[woman, automated] We're sorry.

Your call cannot --

Ladies, we've come a long way.

We can vote, and we get paid
almost as much as men.

But in the '90s, the Dream Phone

didn't even give you
the right to choose...

Mike invented bath salts.

...your own crush.

-Hello, hunks!
-[woman] It's Dream Phone,

the electronic game
with the talking phone.

We didn't have a phone.
What you talking about, Dream --

Oh! [laughs]

Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

I remember my oldest sister
had one of these.

And I wanted it.

[Andrea] The call of destiny
rang out in 1991,

and Dream Phone
was ringing off the hook,

as girls across America
answered the call.

-It's for you!
-It's for you!

Basic premise of the game
was a little bit of Clue.

[man] Clue. It's murder.

But you're really
trying to find...

[girls] ♪ Who, who, who
has got a crush on you? ♪

[Jordan] So you had a big list.

It had
all the dreamboats' names.

So you dial the telephone.
You get little hints.

-[man] He's not wearing a hat.
-[girl] Bye, guys.

-Cross 'em out.
-[man] He's not at the beach.

[girl] See you later.

And you would win when Dylan
or the other love boats

would then say...

[Steve] I really like you.

-It's Steve!
-[laughter]

[Andrea] This game for girls
wasn't created by a girl.

It was created by Michael Gray

for the toy company
Milton Bradley.

-Wow, okay.
-Wow.

[Andrea] Riding off the success
of his hit game...

[woman] It's Mall Madness!

[woman #2]Sale at the shoe store.

[woman] The new shop till you
drop game that really talks.

[Andrea] Michael Gray
designed a game that was...

Every '90 girl's dream
consisted of two things --

talking to boys
and talking on the phone.

That's great.
That's girl power right there.

That's '90s version
of girl power.

[Andrea]Michael Gray's stable of boys

weren't exactly '90s 10s.

You had to sort through
a bunch of boy band rejects.

It's Dan! Dan's my man!

Dan's my man.
I really liked that guy.

Bob is lucky he got on here.

Bob's father probably made
the product

and was trying to get
Bob outta the house.

[Andrea] Bob, Paul, Steve, it
was a smorgasbord game of boys.

There's no nerds.
These guys are all cool.

And, yeah, sure
they look clean-cut,

but none of these guys
have a job.

[Andrea]For a speed dial dating game,

some of the dudes were
definitely not age-appropriate.

Bruce looked like he was 12.

Bruce is in the second grade.

How old is Scott?

His hairline is receding
and everything.

Carlos looked like he was 40.

And Carlos been in prison
for 10 years.

[Andrea] So romantic that
Carlos was willing to spend

his one phone call
from the slammer on you.

-[dial tone]
-Y'all, I miss that sound.

-[gasps]
-[Andrea] Did destiny ever...

[gasps] I'm so nervous.

[Andrea]...dial the right number?

-What up, Jamal?
-[man] He likes most sports.

Uh, first of all,
that was a little aggressive.

-[man] Hello.
-Bruce?

[man] He likes most sports.

-What kinda sports?
-Hey, Jason.

[man] He'll eat almost anything.

This is why me and men
never worked.

[woman] Wrong number.

Oh, unh-unh!

[Andrea] It was dial delivery
for adult hang-ups.

This is really bad
for girls' self-esteem.

This is less a game
and more a way to groom women

into doing all the calling
and all the work.

[Andrea] Yep, that's fun
with gender equality.

Exactly what you want
for your tween daughter,

to talk to all these men
on the telephone,

to finally find one
who chose her.

Why is it my responsibility

to find out what guy
has a crush on me?

Can't he just come
and tell me himself?

[Andrea] It's no wonder
that this game was...

-[beep]
-How do you hang up?

[Andrea] ...discontinued.

If they rebooted this game
for kids today,

they would have to put
a mix of men, women, theys,

and also,
this doesn't look like a phone.

Something else.
This is not a -- Okay.

[Andrea]Batteries not included.

Is that a sexual innuendo?

Now I pick him.

So, ladies,
set that phone to vibrate.

-You catch my drift.
-[Bruce] Coming up...

Stick 'em up your nose,
your ear,

-wherever you could stick 'em.
-Hey, you want one of these?

[Bruce] ...the cool mints
that were too hot to handle,

when "Discontinued" continues.

Let's venture back in time

to when something called
Ice Breakers Liquid Ice

was thrust into our mouths.

I'd like to tell you that
Liquid Ice lasted for decades.

But that would be a lie.

Let's see how it all
melted away.

Thanks, Bruce.

In the early days
of the new millennium,

the scourge of halitosis
gripped the world.

[exhales, sniffs]
Yeah, bad breath.

Little did we know that the cure
would be worse than the disease.

In 2004, the gum
and mint industry

was a $3.7 billion plus market.

-[woman] Just try Stripe.
-[choir] ♪ Big Red ♪

[Andre] It was an endless parade
of things to suck, chew...

[man] Gotta have Juicy Fruit.

[Andre] ...or to crunch.

To stand out
in a saturated market,

Ice Breakers invented
Liquid Ice.

[Andre] A mint so powerful

it not only freshened
garbage-smelling breath...

...it defied
the laws of physics.

-Ice Breakers.
-The little mints.

And what they were
were these little gel balls

that you would pop
into your mouth.

-Ooh.
-They were kinda like boba balls

that you would carry around
in your pocket.

When you'd bite down,
this cool, refreshing liquid

would come out of it.

-Oh!
-Pow, pow, pow

all in your mouth.

It was just fantastic.

[Andre] They claimed to be
two states of matter at once.

-I think it's ice.
-I think it's liquid.

-[Jessica] They're a liquid?
-[Ashlee] Yes.

-Ice?
-Yes.

Is it liquid, or is it ice?
It's both.

[Andre] And scaldingly hot.

And it just, like, kinda
burns layer of your tongue off,

and you just become...

numb, for years.

[Andre] You'd pop one of those
innocent looking beads

into your mouth
with the expectation

of a gentle minty breeze.

What you got
was the opposite of gentle.

If you are sick of your
taste buds, may I recommend...

Hey, you want one of these?
[hisses]

...something
that will burn them off?

[man] Ice Breakers.

Ice Breaker Liquid Ice is like
the first shot of tequila

as a kid.
You gotta have a strong chest.

It's like chewing
on a menthol cigarette.

I just got one question.

How good was your breath
while you were burning?

[Andre] But once
that menthol volcano erupted --

[Kate] Every 2000s teenager
needed them.

Throw back 100 in their mouth.

Stick 'em up your nose,
your ear.

Wherever you could stick 'em,
they were there.

Ice Breakers are like
the middle school equivalent

of, like, having a condom
in your wallet.

You're just like,
"I'm gonna get lucky."

You're just like,
"I'm gonna pour

Ice Breakers
all over my mouth,

'cause I'm about to have
a really wet,

sloppy make-out session."

[Andre] Fortunately for
taste buds everywhere,

they were discontinued
a few years after launching

due to poor sales and --

I heard that it used to burn
the mouths of people.

[Andre] We're not sure
that actually happened.

Yeah, that's [bleep] dumb.
Why -- Whose fault is that?

Well, there was probably
some dumb-ass kid

who was popping like
the entire pack into his mouth.

-Aah!
-And he has to go and ruin it

-for everybody.
-Whew.

We went from Ice Breakers
to Tide Pods.

What are we doing?

Ice Breakers Liquid Ice
taught us

that if you fly
too close to the sun

in the search
for minty freshness,

you might get burned,
so just brush your teeth.

Let's recap.

We were entertained
by Steve Urkel

who showed us
that family matters.

We witnessed Disney
failing to make Disney Quest

the second or even
third happiest place on earth.

We dialed up the Dream Phone

trying to find out
which crush liked us.

We got blasted
by Ice Breakers Liquid Ice,

the coolest mint
ever known to mankind.

While time may have cast
these cultural phenomenons

into the realm
of distance memory,

we've revived them
for you to enjoy and treasure.

I'm Bruce Campbell signing off.

If anything happens to me,
tell the world I was innocent

or just buy my books.

I'll leave you now
with this upbeat thought.

The future
is a fading flicker of hope

in the face
of overwhelming darkness.

As long as this show
doesn't get discontinued,

we'll see you next time
on "Discontinued."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪