All language subtitles for Discontinued.2023.S01E09.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

[static]

Welcomed to "Discontinued."

I'm four-time
Fangoria Chainsaw Award winner

and Bruce Campbell enthusiast...

Bruce Campbell.

I'm transmitting
from my completely

computer-generated bunker
in the year 2037,

where A.I. reigns supreme
in a nightmarish landscape.

This show is coming to you
from the future,

to cast our gaze
upon relics lost in time

so we can cherish them.

[echoing]
Welcome to "Discontinued."

[bell tolls]

[Bruce] Ever since we humans
hauled our hairy butts

out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared
the world with technology.

Computer, do you like
"Evil Dead" movies?

[Bruce] We let them in
but couldn't get them out.

[computer]Not your parts.

Just the Evil and Dead bits.

[Bruce] And these A.I. a-holes
took everything!

Everything, that is,
except for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am, Bruce Campbell,
sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds
of humanity's glorious past...

the stuff we discontinued.

Inside my bunker,
I've got a butt-load of relics

that were discontinued,

and I've contacted
a crew of reporters

to help me understand why these
treasures fell by the wayside.

To do it, they'll prowl
the streets of the past.

That's my past, your present,
Elvis' future.

Wah-whoa!

♪ Action Park ♪

[Bruce] From a water park
run by kids...

It was also called
"Class Action Park"

'cause it got sued
so many times.

[Bruce] ...to the show
that put trash TV on the map...

The most toxic.

Unfiltered.

Snapshot into people's
[bleep]-up lives.

[Bruce]...and a beauty device

straight out of
a slasher movie.

It's like a torture device
for your face.

[Daniel] Ow! It hurts!

Our first topic takes us back

to the innocent early days
of the Internet --

before trolls,
spam-bots, and Jake Paul.

It was a time when
AOL Instant Messenger was king.

A.I.M. was born
in the late '90s,

and it started the rapid-fire

social-media
communication craze,

becoming the backbone
of all Internet chatter.

Let's get ready to LOL
like it's 1999.

[Andre] Thanks, Bruce.
In the '90s,

the most popular way for America
to get online was...

America Online, or AOL.

And AOL had A.I.M.

O-M-G. A little help here.

AOL Messenger
and a dial-up and that --

-Mm-hmm.
-All that?

AOL Instant Messenger,
or A.I.M. --

or "AIM" if you're cool --

is one of the first
instant-messaging apps,

and it was free for anyone
who could stand

a 3-to-15-minute wait time
to get online...

plus hear
that beautiful hold music.

-[imitates modem whining]
-[modem whining]

[Andre]Any day now. Here we go.

Before the DMs, it was IMs.

[Andre]Ugh! Finally!

[woman] America Online.
It's like one big family.

[Andre] AOL Instant Messenger
allowed users

to catfish each other
in chat rooms

and message their friends
with shorthand nonsense

like "LOL," "TTYL," and "IDGAF."

They need to have
an acronym breakdown

because now it's gotten crazy.

GTFOH --
get the [bleep] outta here.

It really changed the way
that we are able

to actually have chat messaging.

[Andre]A.I.M. was a big deal

and reached 60 million users
and put the...

-[imitates I.M. ding]
-[Andre] ...on the map.

-[imitates I.M. ding]
-[Andre] Opening the door...

-[imitates door opening]
-[Andre] ...to never

leaving your house again.

[girl] I spend at least
three hours a day.

[woman] What do you do?

I get to talk to people
in the safety of a seat

instead of going out
and actually having to

be myself around people.

I think the success of A.I.M.

is your fresh, sassy,
sexy user name.

[Andre] Spit it out.

That's what I'd tell people,
and then they would beat me up.

[Andre] Jeffrey Dahmer
has entered the chat.

With your screen name
dialed in,

you could safely LOL --
heck, ROFL --

or even drop some advice, IMHO.

A.I.M. was the first time
I saw something

that you're not supposed to see.

It was ratchet stuff
going down on AIMs.

Half the stuff,
I cannot talk about.

First of all,
it was the second place

that creepers
could talk to kids openly.

I'm not gonna say the first.
Or I will -- it's Church.

[Andre]A.I.M. was a safe space

to share your deviant thoughts
with total strangers.

Never talked to a single person
I knew on A.I.M., no.

Only creepers and weirdos.

I didn't really use it
for what it was for, like,

for instant messaging
your friends and stuff

'cause I didn't have any
of those when I was a kid.

[Andre] Oh, TARV94!

But I would do
their chat group things,

which is super dangerous.

[Andre]Because you never knew

exactly who
you were chatting with.

Oh, man.
How many girls did I ask out

on Instant Messenger -- like,
"Do you wanna be my girlfriend?"

And then they'd just go, "No."

Yeah, if you're wondering where
my insecurities came from...

But if you really wanted
to make someone squirm,

AIM allowed you to leave an away
message while you were AFK.

My favorite were the passive-
aggressive away messages,

"I'll be away for the next hour
because I'm crying

'cause I'm mad at somebody
and I won't say their name,

but they didn't get me
anything for our anniversary."

And it's like,
"Megan, we've been 'together'

for two weeks. Relax."

A.I.M. offered limitless ways
to torment other users,

and it was free, but free stuff
doesn't usually make money.

[man] In the case of AOL,
they are putting a lot of stress

and a lot of load
on their central servers

because they essentially
have all the six million people

coming in through one main pipe.

AOL just couldn't justify

such an expensive cost
to keep AIM up.

[Andre]And once cellphones could text,

no one wanted to carry

a 600-pound computer
in their pocket.

In December 2017,
A.I.M. finally left the chat

-but left the door open.
-[imitates door opening]

It really set the precedents
for chat as we know it today.

Yeah, if you're asking me
if A.I.M. was the beginning

of the end of society as we know
it, yeah, absolutely.

And we should go back in time.
We should kill Hitler.

But number two on the list
is we should kill AOL.

AOL Instant Messenger
will always be remembered

as the Dark Web in text.

Back to you, Bruce.
Blooooo!

Thanks, Andre,
and now it's time for another

"Discontinued in the Wild"
from the past in the present.

My special correspondent
Andrea Lopez

is out on the streets of L.A.
with some fun trivia.

You da bomb, Bruce.

We are in the gorgeous
Venice Beach,

and we're gonna get
the inside scoop

on iconic '90s phrases today.

So don't be trippin'. Let's go.

Did you ever use the term
"Yadda, yadda, yadda"?

You feel me?
Yadda, yadda, yadda.

One thing led to another.
Yadda, yadda, yadda.

-I haven't heard that one.
-No?

It's like you're talking
about something,

-and yadda, yadda, yadda...
-Okay.

You're talking a lotta bullshit
in the side of my ear.

Hearsay. Fugazi dust.
You're just -- You're just --

Yadda, yadda, yadda,
yadda, yadda, yadda. Shut up.

-Trippin'.
-You trippin'.

Like, they're doing
something weird.

Wackado. It means
that you're losing your mind.

Buzzkill.

Hey, you're killing the vibe,
weirdo.

Talk to the hand.

'Cause the face ain't listening?

[laughs] Yeah.

Why would I talk
to your ugly-ass hand?

You need to put some lotion
on that nasty shit.

I'm gonna tell you that
right now.

-They're ashy.
-Psh! Err! Brr!

As if.

As if! As if! No!

Oh, as if! Like,
it's like, "Get outta my face."

My sister would go out
of her way to tell me, "As if."

Preppy girls
would use that phrase.

Yeah, "as if,"
and this, that, and the third.

And my sister was a dirty
ghetto girl from Indiana.

You Black. You dark.
You just like me.

You ain't supposed to be
as if'ing shit.

-As if!
-Mm-hmm.

[Bruce] Coming up,
it's not "Mad Max." It's...

♪ Action Park ♪

No rules. No regulations.

[Channing]
The '80s were a different time.

They didn't give a shit
about your well-being.

[Bruce]When "Discontinued" continues.

It's time for some honest
Bruce talk.

Gone are the carefree days
of the '80s,

when kids could go on
unsupervised trips

to break bones and suffer
a few harmless concussions.

And the place to do just that
was New Jersey's Action Park.

The place had the reputation
of being the world's

most dangerous amusement park.

It was the worst thing
you could do in New Jersey...

outside of going to New Jersey.

Hang on as we take a wild ride
to one of the most insane

amusement parks
that ever existed.

Welcome to Vernon, New Jersey,

a place to unleash
your inhibitions

and leap headfirst
into waters unknown.

So buckle up and hold on
tight...for your life.

Nothing in the world
like Action Park!

♪ Like to take you
where the action's hot ♪

♪ Action, Action Park ♪

Every attraction, no rules,
no speed limits, just pure fun!

-That's what Action Park was.
-There's no rules.

It's unbelievable. It's the
biggest rush I've ever had.

[Channing] At Action Park,
they would actually

throw your ass down a waterfall.

And the whole time,
the ride is...

[man screaming]

That doesn't sound fun.

These are the most amazing rides
in the world!

-[woman screams]
-I love it here.

Action Park opened
in Vernon, New Jersey, in 1978.

Only in New Jersey
would they be like,

"Oh, let's make a water park,
but not for wimps."

That can only exist
either in Jersey

or, like, Eastern Germany.

[announcer]Where you can slide, dive,

and splash into coolness!

Action Park had 40 water slides.

It was one of the first
water parks in the country.

One thing that most of the
Action Park rides had in common

is that they were all
incredibly dangerous.

[woman screams]

No rules. No regulations.

The most dangerous theme park
of all time.

To the point where they made
a movie about it

with Johnny Knoxville...

Now, "Action Point"
is based on Action Park.

[man screams]

...um, where he literally
got injured...

[grunts]

...making a movie...

Ohh!

...about the park
that injured so many.

[groaning]

That didn't feel great.

Action Park [bleep] ruled.

I don't want my kid

to feel sheltered and safeall the time.

[screaming]

[announcer] Action Park turns
bungee jumping upside down!

[Cody] Action Park started
as a ski lodge

by this business man named
Eugene Mulvihill.

[Andrea] But the bleak
New Jersey winters

only lasted three months,

so to squeeze out
a few more bucks,

Mulvihill added a water park
for those bleak

New Jersey springs,
summers, and falls.

Here's how bad the rides were.

No one insured them!
So they insured themselves!

-[record needle scratches]
-Like, what?

[Andrea] To dodge high insurance
costs often associated

with life-threatening injury,

Mulvilhill's insurance company
was based

in the "not at all renowned
for financial scams" haven

of the Cayman Islands.

[announcer] Discover
the world's most innovative

theme park -- Action Park!

They were like, "No, we're
gonna design our own rides."

We're gonna have a water slide
with a loop-de-loop.

How's that gonna work?
We don't know. [Bleep] physics!

[man] Action Park was wild
and, quite frankly,

a lot of people got hurt
over there.

People would, like,
have teeth lodged in somewhere

that their teeth
should not be lodged in.

Anywhere where there's teens
that are in charge of safety?

Death trap.

[Andrea] Teenagers,
whose concept of risk/reward

is often called limited,
ran the whole place.

Horned-up "supervisory" teens.

It was like "Lord of the Flies"
with booze and weed.

[Andrea] So, naturally,
the concept of safety

was also limited.

-Eh, let God sort 'em out.
-[man groans]

[chuckles]

No shade to Jersey, man.
We love you.

[Andrea] With the inmates
running the asylum...

Every member of my family
was injured in that park.

[Andrea] ...injuries were
a frequent occurrence.

And we're not just talking
about scraped knees here.

They called it
"Traction Park."

It was also called
"Class Action Park"

'cause it got sued
so many times.

Just go to Action Park.
There's no other park like it.

At Action Park, you don't come
home with a stuffed animal.

You come home with a broken leg.

-Whiplash. Stitches.
-Busting their backs.

You came home with a stack
of medical bills up to here

that's gonna cause your parents
to separate...

[man screams]

...and you'd have years
of trauma.

[girl screams]

And inevitably that divorce
will cause you to get a divorce,

and then your kids
will hate you,

and it all boils back to...

♪ Action Park ♪

Action Park would do
something this incredible.

[Andrea] To reassure the public,
the park needed a refresh,

and their well-known slogan
changed from

"There's nothing in the world
like Action Park"

to the less official...

"More thrills. Less spills."

I mean, was it proven
to be less spills?

Sometimes chasing thrills
can lead to a dark place.

[Cody] Across its crazy-long
20 years of existence,

Action Park had six deaths.

One of the reasons
they got away with it

was because
of the lax regulations.

The '80s were a different time.

They didn't give a shit
about your well-being.

[Andrea] Gene Mulvihill's ode
to reckless teenage abandon

finally came to an end
in the '90s

when Action Park
declared bankruptcy.

The park ran
for nearly 20 years.

I am glad Action Park's
no longer more in action.

It was a wild time
of thrills and deadly spills,

but, thankfully,
this hell ride came to an end.

This is the Rejuvenique
Electric Facial Mask.

Launched in the late '90s,
this battery-operated mask

uses electric impulses
to tone my face.

[as Hannibal Lecter]
"Hello, Clarice."

[woman screams]

[Bruce] While I continue
to pulsate my face,

let's explore
the story behind the mask.

Yeah, you think the front
is bad? Look at that.

It's like you're getting
punched in the face 52 times.

Thanks, Bruce. Beauty is pain.
Am I right, girls?

Well, this next product
had a unique --

or dare I say
Rejuvenique take --

and proved that actually
it's agony!

Oh, boy. This one's a doozy.

It's like a torture device
for you face.

Hm! Yes!

I actually have one of these.

I have, like, seven of 'em.

Do you!

[Andrea] In the mid-'90s,
George Springer

invented a mask
with little probes in it

which was connected
to a 9-volt battery.

What kind of torture chamber
is this?

[Joe] I guess it would
electrocute you

into being beautiful?

[Andrea]The designers set out to create

a device dedicated to beauty.

What they actually produced

resembled a serial killer's
alter ego.

[woman]During a facial toning session,

the system delivers
a mild impulse.

That would exercise your face.

[man] If you can get the idea
of what doing eight sit-ups

a second would do
for your stomach...

[Andrea] Maybe abs like
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

...you have an idea of
what Rejuvenique would do
for your face.

[Andrea] Maybe a face
like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Electrifying yourself.

[Andrea]If the "Bride of Frankenstein"
taught us anything,

it's that tasing your own face
will make you more attractive.

She's alive! Alive!

This looks like a comic-book
villain origin story.

It's like you're
about to be murdered.

What's that one movie?
"Halloween."

[Andrea]Before the Rejuvenique,

a mask just like it
was made famous

by the villainous Michael Myers

in 1978's horror blockbuster
"Halloween."

That is not made
for a nose like this.

This is not meant
for Sicilian people.

[Andrea] In the mid-'90s,
the Rejuvenique

was top-of-the-line,

no-expenses-spared
beauty technology.

Well, for the time.

This is analog
as [bleep], right?

Okay, first of all,
it's a land line.

Why is it a phone cord?

And what you don't know is that
this red knob calls the police.

It calls an ambulance
and the fire department

'cause you're gonna need
all three.

[Andrea] From the bright,
firm plumpness

of Michael Myers'
exquisite skin

to other sublime-skinned
potential serial killers.

How ugly do you have to be

to where you have to put
your face in the electric chair?

Does it work?

[buzzing]

I'm joking. [laughs]

[Andrea] And, obviously,
you can't apply raw electricity

to your face without
some kind of helpful slime

to ease the process.

Because that'd be crazy, right?

[Tammy] You have to put
a conductor gel on first

to make sure that this
doesn't burn your face!

But I'll try.

Anything that comes
with a bottle of lube is king.

We're gonna rejuvenate our skin,
and then all of a sudden,

I'm ass-up in an alleyway
in Amsterdam.

There's "Phantom of the Opera,"
and then there's this.

[Andrea]The horrors of the Rejuvenique

knew no bounds, all the way
to the spokesperson.

Hi. I'm Linda Evans.

They got Linda Evans
from "Dynasty"

to be the spokesperson
for this thing.

[Daniel] That's like
a Halloween costume in a box.

It's ding-dong. "Trick or treat!
I'm Linda Evans!"

You!

If you do a side-by-side
of Linda Evans' face

and the Rejuvenique face mask...

I think they look very similar.

[Andrea] And contrary to what
you're probably thinking,

the consumer response
wasn't great.

[Daniel] Ow! It hurts!

There were a lot
of user complaints.

Like, people had red marks
on their face.

I'm not sure
how effective it is,

plugging a stun-gun
to your face.

[woman screaming]

I feel great, right?
I look good, don't I?

I actually tried it,
and I thought my beard

was gonna burn off.

I wore it for Halloween
one year, and I took it off,

and a little dribble of blood
was coming down my forehead.

[Andrea]There were so many complaints,

the FDA sent a warning letter
to the manufacturers.

[Joe] This is gonna be
a shock to you.

The FDA caught wind of
the Rejuvenique face mask,

and they said, "You should
probably stop making this."

Shocking. You don't say.

[woman screams]

FDA is a bunch
of sadomasochists.

I'm sure this is
right up their alley.

[Andrea] And after
the FDA's warning letter,

it took a whole year
for Rejuvenique

to go through
the proper channels

to finally be approved
for human use.

Don't spend your money on this.

Spend it on therapy to make you
like yourself better.

Instead of saying goodbye
to wrinkles,

it's sayonara
to this mask of mayhem.

I mean, I think we know what
happened to Linda Evans' face.

Buyer beware. [chuckles]

[Bruce] Coming up...

True...ratchet...trash TV.

[Bruce]When "Discontinued" continues.

[Bruce] Our next topic
is the magic and brilliance

that was
"The Jerry Springer Show."

The program defined
the beginning of the '90s

"anything goes" trash TV.

"The Jerry Springer Show"
was the original hangout

for people to clash
over affairs, race, and gender

before Facebook
took over those duties.

Let's visit the asylum
of "The Jerry Springer Show."

Thanks, Bruce. I'm here
in the current timeline,

gathering intel on a talk show
that gave us a glimpse

inside the traditional
American nuthouse.

Did you ever watch
"The Jerry Springer Show"?

My mom did religiously.

She told me that my cousins
were on it one time.

-What?!
-You really didn't wanna

tell anybody you watched it,
but everybody watched it.

Now, why would she say that?

[Andre] Ohh! Oh, my.

Oh, this is nuts.
This is...

The most toxic.

Unfiltered.

Snapshot into people's
[bleep]-up lives.

[Andre]In the war for TV ratings,

"The Jerry Springer Show"

sounded the loudest battle cry.

[crowd chanting "Jerry!"]

-Jerry!
-Jerry!

True...ratchet...

trash TV.

And that was the first time
America found out

that we like trash.

[Andre]
And one man's trash

is another man's
face on his butt.

[Springer]My name's Jerry Springer.

Imagine that I could
take a few minutes here

and discuss the merits
of 18-year-olds as a voter.

[Andre]Uh...what's going on here?

Jerry Springer --
he studied to be a lawyer

and eventually
got into politics.

Didn't know that.

I mean, I love
being in politics.

So he started out
with very serious topics.

When you were talking...

[Andre] Blah, blah, blah!
Snooze fest!

Nobody was really interested.

Boring.

[Andre] Once he landed
"The Jerry Springer Show,"

whether it was
transgender misrepresentation

or just an angry grandma,
he made everyone feel better...

Well, my grandson met
this ol' bitchin' whore.

[Andre]...about themselves.

TV was Jerry-rigged.

And people started
to tune in...in droves.

I used to play sick
just to watch "Jerry Springer."

'Cause everybody likes
watching a train wreck.

[engineer] All aboard!

-[man] I cheated...
-[engineer] Next stop...

...two weeks after
we got married.

[engineer]...Dysfunction Junction!

My husband is married
to another woman.

The girlfriend is mad
because she pregnant

by the sister's husband,
but the sister don't care

because she's messin'
with her husband's sister.

[Andre] I'm confused.

You have a baby with her
husband, and she's your aunt?

Well, Brad, I have to tell you.
I'm a man.

[Andre]He's confused?!

Sometimes you like,"I knew that was a man!"

[Andre]But she's not confused?

There was an episode
where a guy married a horse.

[Andre] So, who is the
"beast" man at the wedding?

Like, what the --
I -- How --

Why you think Black people
love Jerry so much?

It is only the grown-ups,
such as you,

that teach our children
to not like that person

because of their color
of their skin.

Why do you do that?!

[D'Lai] He didn't just
highlight Black people

doing ratchet shit.
Everybody got it!

And I think they were probably
one of the first people

to have, like,
transpeople on there,

and they would have gay people
on there and straight people,

and all these different walks
of life would be on that show.

[Andre] Jerry was
an equal-opportunity

character destroyer.

[Ester] You were watching
"Jerry Springer"

to see people fight.

[Andre]It was an elegant dance.

Rilin' the crowd up.

Security's pulling people apart.

Wigs all over the goddamn stage.

-[Andre] The fur flew.
-I was ready to fight.

[Andre]Fists met face.

That was great
American television.

[Andre]It was beautiful bedlam

that redefined the genre.

I like to call it sort of
the precursor to reality TV

that we see right now.

[Vinny] Just come over for
Christmas Eve, film our family,

and you have a whole season
of "Jerry Springer."

It'd be fist fights
and who's sleeping with who.

[Andre] But the "Jerry Springer"
home edition

didn't come with one important
piece -- the audience.

They participated
in all of the drama, as well.

The audience was --
They was having the best time.

Why would you cheat on Eminem

with a knock-off
overweight Mr. Potato Head?

Both y'all dropped something --
your standards.

What kind of haircut
is that, dude?

Man! You're cold.

[Andre] In 2018,
after a whopping 27 seasons,

which is about
3,700 paternity tests

and 57,000 fist fights
in Jerry math,

the legendary talk show
was finally discontinued.

But just a few years later,
we lost the legend himself.

So, on April 27, 2023,

Jerry Springer passed away
from pancreatic cancer.

It was a very brief battle.

He didn't let
a lot of people know.

So shout-out to Jerry Springer.
We love you. We miss you.

Jerry Springer, man.
We miss you, bro. Rest in peace.

Ah. Rest in peace, Jerry.

There's never been a moment

in the 25 years
of doing this show

that I ever thought I was better

than the people
who appear on our stage.

[voice breaking]
I'm not better, only lucky.

I gotta give Jerry his flowers
or showing us the difference

between what our life is
and what it [bleep] could be.

Okay. Time to recap.

AOL Instant Messenger
connected us all

and forced us to reveal
our embarrassing screen names...

Action Park delivered
adrenaline-fueled excitement

while crushing some dreams
and a few spleens...

and you saw the wonder
that is my face

after using
the Rejuvenique face mask.

"The Jerry Springer Show"
took trash TV

to new lows and even lower lows

before ending up
in the non-recycle bin.

Though relegated to history,
we've breathed life

into these things once again
by honoring them now.

I'm Bruce Campbell,
signing off from my bunker

and leaving a massive void
in your lives

until you see me again
on "Discontinued."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪