All language subtitles for Discontinued.2023.S01E08.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

[static hissing]

Welcome to "Discontinued."

Let's kick things off
with a rare breed of actor

who possesses unparalleled
talent, magnetic presence,

and a bottomless well of wit!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bruce Campbell!

[chuckles]
Oh, wait. That's me.

I'm here transmitting
from my Fortress of Mahogany

in the year 2037.

It's a wasteland out there.

AI has taken over the world.

It's almost as depressing
as having back-to-back

Zoom meetings.

Almost.

[Bruce]Welcome to "Discontinued."

[bell tolls, music continues]

[Bruce]Ever since we humans

hauled our hairy butts
out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared
the world with technology.

Computer, are eggs
fruits or vegetables?

[Bruce] We let them in
but couldn't get them out.

[woman] It's irrelevant.
You're all toast.

[Bruce] And these A.I. A-holes
took everything.

Everything, that is,

except for the stuff
that was before their time.

So here I am, Bruce Campbell,
sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds
of humanity's glorious past --

the stuff we discontinued.

[mid-tempo music plays]

We're resurrecting the past
from the future

so you can cherish it
in the present.

Make sense?

Good.

[Bruce] I've contacted a crew
of reporters

in your present timeline,

and they'll be assisting me
in the daunting task

of reawakening these cherished
wonders of the past

and uncovering what was behind
their mysterious demise.

From the exercise guru

that got us sweatin'
to the oldies...

Richard Simmons, like, he
revolutionized exercise videos.

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

He's an approachable fitness
guru, so you're not intimidated!

[Bruce] ...to the
pocket-sized device

that proves size does matter...

Do you like music?

Do you not like both choruses?

You'll love it.

[Bruce]...and a corporate misfire

that's almost been erased
from existence.

How do you go from
dental hygiene to frozen food?

Why brush your teeth
when you can eat it?

When you think of a Hollywood
heartthrob, who comes to mind?

Besides me!

[Bruce]Justin Timberlake?

Frankie Muniz?

Shaq?

The one thing all those hunks
have in common

is being gullible enough
to get pranked on a TV show,

and that show was "Punk'd."

In the 2000s, MTV's "Punk'd"
pushed the envelope

for just how easily
you could fool a celebrity.

Let's unravel how "Punk'd"

became
a chaotic reality TV standout.

[Andre] I'm here in the current
timeline in Los Angeles,

talking to locals about
the MTV phenomenon

that was so popular
it became a verb.

-Did you watch "Punk'd"?
-I did watch "Punk'd"!

And I still reference it when
something crazy's happening,

or I'm at the bank
for like 30 minutes.

I'm like, "Am I being punk'd
right now?"

-Oh!
-I love "Punk'd."

Who didn't love "Punk'd"?

But before the word
entered our vernacular to mean

"mildly inconvenienced
at the bank,"

it was MTV's hit prank show.

I'm Sean White,
and I just got punk'd!

Can't believe this!

I loved "MTV Punk'd."

MTV had a hit with that.

You got punk'd.
There's cameras all over.

Shut up!

Who was the guy who did it?
What's his name?

The white guy with the hair?

[Andre] That hair belonged
to Ashton Kutcher...

We got you!
We got you!

[Andre] ...who hosted
seven seasons on MTV.

It was supposed to be
a prank show

where they pranked
non-celebrities,

and it was called
"Harassment."

[Andre]
America's funniest trips to HR.

But they were doing a prank,
they were using a dead body...

[Andre] Nothing slays
like coffin humor.

Things went wrong,
and it led to, like,

a $10 million lawsuit.

[Andre]So it was renamed "Punk'd."

-[man] Are you alright?
-[woman coughing]

[Andre] And it went
after the real walking dead --

celebrities.

And a TV hit was born.

I just got punk'd.

[Andre] There was a great joy
in watching the rich

and famous topple.

-[woman] Oh! Oh!
-[screaming]

[child]
You ruined our Christmas!

[Andre] Unfortunately for Drake,
Wolverine,

and other super-humans,
it was all caught on camera.

Mwah! It was the best!

I just got punk'd!

The way they filmed it,

the audience felt like
we were in on the joke, too.

Hey, honey, calm down.

Oh, she's pregnant.

-[man] Oh, my God.
-[laughter]

It was edgy.

We didn't solicit
any prostitute!

-They pushed the envelope.
-[man] "Punk'd."

"MTV Punk'd" was the first show

that really put pranks
on the map.

One thing I hated about it
was, with "Punk'd,"

everyone
in that next, like, ten years

would just do the worst,
awful pranks,

and just, like, assumed
that it made sense.

Like, I just got smacked
all the time.

They're like,
"You just got punk'd!"

I'm like, "That's not
how it works!

You are hitting me
at this point!"

They're pouring gasoline
on your car,

and you're like,
"Oh, it's a prank!"

And it's like, "No,
that is attempted murder."

The reason "Punk'd "
worked so well

is that you would watch
celebrities get pranked,

and there was no one
who deserved it more.

So many celebrities just feel
like they're untouchable.

It's like, "No, no.

We almost saw you cry
like a bitch."

[Andre]Or like Ashlee Simpson.

[voice breaking] I would never
taken my jacket off!

And we want to share
that moment,

because it made them human,
and we connected to it

because I would have cried
like a bitch.

[Andre]No celebrity was safe...

not even Frodo Baggins.

What the [bleep] was that?!

"MTV Punk'd" was a great moment
in American culture,

because it would actually
show celebrities

with their guard down.

[Andre] Everyone agrees --
The best thing about

"Punk'd" was a defenseless
celebrity in the wild.

And then you could find out
who was, in fact, a decent...

I watched you,
you little [bleep]

-...or horrible person.
-I didn't do it!

I saw you with the [bleep]
can in your hand,

you little [bleep]

[laughs]
He almost fought a child on TV!

When they were getting punk'd,

their voice was like,
"Just don't play with me!

And I know you not talking
to me like that!"

If you think you're not
going to jail...

No, you're being punk'd.
"Oh!"

I can't believe I almost beat up
a 5-year-old

on national television.

[Andre] Oh, Zach, you could just
"scrub" it out.

I ain't going to lie. Some of
these pranks are kinda cruel.

Oh, my God, what the [bleep]

I love watching
pretty, rich people cry.

I don't know what's happening
right now.

Do I feel sorry for celebrities
that were pranked?

No.

What just happened?

They have all the money in
the world to get prank therapy.

[Andre] You know who definitely
needed some prank therapy?

Justin Timberlake.

Justin Timberlake.

I'll never forget that episode.

[man] The house itself
has been seized,

so it's now property
of the government.

[Jessica] They made him believe
that they were repossessing

everything, even his dog.

-You took my dogs?
-[Andre] That's "ruff."

And you got to watch
Justin Timberlake just cry.

You're like, "Oh, this is great!
He's crying me a river."

♪ Cry me a river ♪

I hate you!

You're so [bleep] dead.
You realize that?

[Andre] But eventually
the Hollywood well ran dry,

and the time
came to call it quits

and wrap the show that had
revealed the real faces

behind the Botox of
so many Hollywood celebrities.

So "MTV Punk'd" ended in 2007.

[horn blares]

[Andre] There were various
attempts to revive it,

first with Justin Bieber.

Hey, you just got punk'd.

[Andre]I can't believe he did that.

You're the worst!

[Andre] And then it came
back again, in 2020,

on the phone platform Quibi.

But Quibi folded, and that
company was discontinued, also.

So "Punk'd" has been punk'd
more times than it needs.

That's so sad.

'Cause you just got punk'd!

I thought we ran over somebody!

And now it's time for
another "Discontinued"

In the Wild from the past,
in the present.

My special correspondent
Andrea Lopez

is having a picnic!

Nice spread!

♪♪

Hey, Bruce, we're back
at Griffith Park today,

taking a bite of history.

We're trying some
cult classic food items.

We are going back to the past.

You may recognize
some of the names.

They have come and gone,
and are now making a resurgence.

First up, we have
the Burger King Chicken Fries.

I do want to be a French fry.

[announcer] BK Chicken Fries.

All white-meat chicken, with
the courage to be French fries.

Burger King originally launched
the Chicken Fries in 2005,

and were discontinued
in 2012.

Many people were not
happy with this decision.

Oh, yeah. And they were
brought back in 2014.

I'm gonna put this back.

Moving on to Taco Bell
Mexican Pizza.

[announcer] It's like pizza,
but it's different.

Can you even call this a pizza?

I don't know.
There is cheese.

Apparently it had a really
long streak of popularity.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Thank you, Taco Bell.

Next up in our bag
of tricks, Dunkaroos!

Dunkaroos is the cookie you dunk

for as much frosting
as you want!

You can eat this
in any way you want.

You've got the little cookies
with the "D" on them,

and you dunk 'em
right in there, just like that.

It's kid-friendly,
it's adult-friendly,

it's kangaroo-friendly.

It's a Dunkaroo.

Next up on our roster
is the Oreo Cakester.

-[man] An Oreo snack cake?
-[man #2] Yes, sir!

This is just an Oreo
on steroids.

Oh, yeah.
That's fluffy!

My body's not used
to all this sugar.

That's enough of that.

[Bruce] Coming up,
the story of how a man

conquered an ancient curse.

It's called the "fat curse."

[Bruce] ...and built an empire
off physical imperfection.

He was just a shiny,
glistening ball of happy energy.

[Bruce] And HitClips,
the miniature music maker

that also came up short.

You could hear a minute
of a pop song,

and in terrible quality.

Worst technology ever.

Who was this for?

[Bruce] Welcome back
to "Discontinued."

Let's embark on this journey
with a look back

at what made
the 20th century so amazing.

After all, we got television,
the Internet, nose candy...

[mouse clicks, computer beeps]

You know, all that fun stuff?

More importantly, the last part
of the century taught us

how to sweat to the oldies.

Richard Simmons was one of
the OG workout influencers

in the '80s and '90s.

With his wild 'fro and crazy
Energizer Bunny enthusiasm,

Simmons taught his followers
that candy-stripe shorts

can never be too short!

[group cheering]

Warning --
contagious energy ahead!

Thanks, Bruce.

The '80s and '90s were littered
with Lycra-clad, buff,

sexy fitness gurus.

Bounce, bounce.
Stretch it out.

And up, and under.

[Jake] Two, and three.

Janey always looking
very sporty as usual.

But there was one man from
New Orleans who was different.

Very different.
-Hey!

I wanna dance with somebody!

Hi!
-Oh, Richard.

Richie, Richie, Richie.

Hey, there!
It's me, Richard Simmons!

"Hey, everyone!"

How is everybody?

That flamboyant walk that
he does and prancing around?

He was just a shiny,
glistening ball of happy energy.

He was like a walking can
of Red Bull.

He always had energy,
and there was no off switch.

I loved it.

His energy makes you want
to kick him.

Hit me with your best shot!

[cheers and applause]

[Andre]Whether you loved him...

♪ It's a beautiful day
in the neighborhood ♪

[Andre]...or loved to hate him...

Richard, your ass is hanging
out of those shorts.

[Richard] David, stop it.

Richard Simmons, like, he
revolutionized exercise videos.

Exercising for
the everyday person.

He just made it accessible
to people.

[Andre]Anyone can do his workout --

and we mean anyone.

And if you do this workout,
you won't be overweight,

but you also won't be
in shape, either.

[Andre] You're never too old
to plateau.

That was his motto.

I want to back up.

[Andre] Let's do it.

Richard's fitness journey began

when he moved to L.A.
in the '70s.

[Richard] You know, I teach
portions, and I teach exercise.

And it's got to be fun.

And all the music
I used to eat to,

now I exercise to.

[Andre] Because growing up
in New Orleans,

Richard was under
a voodoo curse.

It's called the "fat curse."

[Andre] He was "jumbo-laya,"
but he broke the heavy hex,

and said goodbye to 123 pounds.

Exercise, and you watch
your portions, like I do,

you'll keep the weight off.

[Andre] Ahem. Excuse me,
Richard? What time is it?

It's sweatin' time!

I remember him in his little
tank top and his little shorts.

Let's hit it!

[April]
Looks like he just worked

a double shift at Hooters.

One nutsack just
hanging out the side!

-[Andre] Richard was nuts.
-Come join the party!

[Andre] And there was a method
to his madness.

So in 1988, Richard Simmons
came out with an exercise video.

"Sweatin' to the Oldies"!

He would play old 1950s,
1960s tunes.

He'd have regular schlubs on,
like you and me.

That was the first workout tape

that the people
working out looked like

that was their first time
working out.

[Andre] Richard was a hit
with housewives,

and anyone watching TV
after midnight.

Something about Richard Simmons,
I didn't trust,

'cause I felt like he had
the same body the whole time

he was working out
and sweatin' to the oldies.

'Cause usually, when you're
a fitness instructor,

you should have a six-pack,

but he had
a substitute teacher body.

[Andre] Kind of mean
to substitute teachers.

I put some butter on it.
I love butter!

I don't see Richard
as the most fit, ripped person,

so you're not intimidated!

He's an approachable
fitness guru.

Everyone, let's take
our heart rate, please.

[Andre] And while our heart
rates were slightly elevated,

sales went through the roof.

I think it grossed, like,
$200 million.

[Andre]That is a lot of Lean Cuisine.

The man was different.

You need to understand this.

[Andre] After a career
spanning four decades,

40 million steps, and one
in-flight safety video...

We're gonna work hard,
work out,

and get you fit to fly!

[Andre] ...in 2014, Richard
straight-up disappeared.

Can we talk about what happened
to Richard Simmons?

-Hi!
-I hope the best for him,

but what if his staff members,
like, held him hostage?

-Wait a minute!
-I don't know what happened.

Do we know where he is?
Is he okay?

-Ready for the twist?
-[Joe] And it just turned out

he didn't want to do it anymore.

He had a knee problem, and he
didn't want people to see,

so he just decided
he would just slink away.

It's that convenient.

I'm sure wherever he's at,
he's still tanned,

he's definitely still shiny,
having a good time.

[Andre]He made fitness accessible,

but, most importantly, fun!

A terrific person is someone
who is not selfish,

someone who isn't afraid to go
out of their way

to help other people.

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

I just thought of this,
but Richard Simmons probably

was the first person
that made me think,

"Maybe it's okay the way I am."
Oh, gosh.

I need to write him a letter
or something! [laughs]

Never stop dancing, Richard,
wherever you are.

I got to get back to my mail!

[Bruce] In my bunker,
I have meticulously curated

a collection
of bygone treasures.

As a matter of fact,
I've been surviving

by cooking everything
in my Easy-Bake Oven.

You know, it's all about
portion control, folks.

You also might remember
this relic from my collection.

This is HitClips.

It featured tiny
memory-card-like chips

that contained
a 60-second snippet of a song.

Now, some kids thought
60 seconds

just wasn't nearly long enough
for a song.

Obviously, they weren't
listening to Nickelback.

[laughs]

Let's break down the tiny tunes
that had a big impact.

You know that annoying feeling

when a song is just stuck
in your head?

Now you can carry it
in your pocket.

You have one?

Ahh!

-Oh, my God.
-I like little stuff.

-[Andrea] In 1999...
-Ooh!

[Andrea] ...Tiger Electronics,

the company that brought
you this gem...

[announcer]Talkboy tape recorder.

[Andrea] ...decided the world
was hungry for a snack

to sate its musical appetite.

I want it to stop!

I thought it was gonna be
shorter than that.

HitClips was like this
weird cartridge thing

where you could hear
a minute of a pop song.

These were just micro teasers.

Amuse-bouches, shall we say?

[Andrea] Wait,
the French were involved?

Who was this for?!

[Andrea] These tasteless
nibbles of music

were intended for small fries.

Hit it, with HitClip!

Back in my day [chuckles]
we just...

Marketing was good for us.
We did not care.

And it's 60 seconds,
just a snippet.

That's all you need as a kid!

And the little boombox?

Hey! Do you like music?

Do you not like both choruses?

You'll love it.

[Andrea] And whom other
to roll out these

nugget-sized music players

than the pioneers
of McNuggets themselves?

HitClips debuted as a toy
in a McDonald's kids meal.

This is when McDonald's had
great gifts.

They used to go all in
on their toy bag.

You want a Happy Meal?
Yeah.

It comes with a keychain.

People used to wear
these on their belts,

and just, like,
have them dangling.

It was really cool
just to be able to carry,

like, Justin Timberlake
on your belt clip.

Some of them had like
20 of them.

Those were the cool kids.

How cool is this?

If you had a HitClip
on your keychain,

your backpack,
or your belt,

you were literally deemed
the queen of the school.

[Andrea] And as a royal
adorned in jewels,

you would wear a sash of...

[Nicki] NSYNC, the Backstreet
Boys, Destiny's Child.

The accessories came out,
the HitClips boombox edition.

They had an FM transmitter.

[Willie] Then there was, like,
the little CD player.

They had the ones that was
like a little circle,

and you put them in your ear
and you was cool.

Looking back at it, too,
I'm like,

"Wow, we really paid
$3.99 for this,

and $20 for the player?"

At the height of its popularity,
Hasbro's Tiger Electronics

reportedly sold

20 million devices.

[Andrea] The proof was in
the pint-sized pudding,

and with a kingdom of riches,

surely there were
no complaints about --

People complained
about the audio.

[Andrea] I stand corrected.

It was never loud.

That song was always distorted.

Does it sound good?
[bleep] no, it doesn't.

It's in mono, and it's terrible.

Worst technology ever.

These little hors d'oeuvres
for your ears came out hot,

but went cold as soon as
everyone realized they sounded,

and probably tasted,
like shit.

By 2004,
HitClips were discontinued.

This is just
bringing back memories.

I'm gonna just say
"bye, bye, bye" to this.

[Bruce] Coming up...

First of all, this seems wrong.

[Bruce] An attempt to re-brand
leaves a bad taste

in consumers' mouths...

Colgate dinners
are like Honda cookies.

Somebody gotta take
the blame for it.

Next up is a fun
cautionary tale

about companies
not staying in their lanes.

I wanna talk about Colgate.

Known the world over
for its toothpaste

and oral hygiene products,
so it made perfect sense

for them to launch
a line of frozen meals.

But it confused consumers,

especially those
with the turkey meals

who were brushing their teeth
with cranberry

and gargling with gravy.

Let's serve up the history
behind Colgate's dinners.

Now for one of our more
mysterious discontinuations --

Colgate dinners.

Colgate.

Like the toothpaste?

Like the chemical company?

Yes.
You heard me right.

They're making meals?

Colgate, the coveted
toothpaste brand,

once branched out
into the meal market.

Or did they?

[woman] ♪ And the clean
in your mouth is Colgate ♪

"You wanna come over
and eat dinner at our place?"

"What are you guys having?"

"Colgate dinner."

First of all, this seems wrong.

Colgate dinners are like
Honda cookies.

Velveeta all-natural
body deodorant.

Shell Gas Station Strollers.

So you eat it,
and your breath is fresh?

It was not.

It was just regular
weak lasagna.

[laughs]

So, we all know Colgate
as personal care products,

but they also did dip into the
frozen meal market in the 1960s.

Their first rodeo was in 1966,
where they introduced

Colgate Kitchen Entrees,
which quickly disappeared.

There is a museum called
the Museum of Failure.

[Andrea] Seriously,
how bad do you have to screw up

to make the cut for a museum
dedicated to massive screw-ups?

[Porter] They had an exhibit
for Colgate lasagna,

and Colgate said,

"We don't remember
ever doing this."

They thought that people
couldn't just look this up?

Colgate won't deny

that the Colgate Kitchen Entrees
ever existed.

However, no one in the company
will flat-out say

that they existed,
and no one has recollection.

Nobody had Colgate meals.

I never seen one person buy
Colgate frozen dinners.

[Steinberg] There's no actual
physical proof

that the entrees ever existed.

The Museum of Failure did say

they did create a replica
of the Colgate Kitchen Entrees.

That's how bad the lasagna was,
where they're like,

"Never happened, don't know
what you're talking about.

Fake news!"

[Andrea] With some more digging

on the unsafe pages
of the Internet,

we discovered a magazine
from the 1960s,

stating Colgate would be
entering the frozen-food game.

How do you go from
dental hygiene to frozen food?

[Andrea] Not just any food --

chicken and dried crabmeat?

Okay, that's -- that...

that might be worse.

[Andrea] We'll never know how
many freezers across the nation

were filled
with Colgate dinners,

but if we could
defrost the past,

it would probably taste like
a crabby, chickeny, minty...

failure.

Someone thought this was
a good idea!

And not just someone --
some-hundred people.

Like, this went up levels,

and all of them was like,
"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

Then -- poof! -- somebody gotta
take the blame for it.

[Andrea] Turns out,
George Henry Lesch is to blame.

He became chairman
of Colgate in 1961

and aggressively sought
new ways to expand the brand.

Yo, you hear what Crest
is doing over there?

I heard Crest got some
chicken nuggets

they're about to put out.

We can't let Crest fire off
chicken nuggets.

Hey, guys! Have you heard
of the Colgate toothbrush?

Before you brush your teeth,
guess what?

You probably hungry.

Why brush your teeth,
when you can eat it?

[Jason] Colgate Frozen Dinners.

[laughing]
I'm so sorry.

I don't know.
That was awful. Boo.

[Andrea] Colgate-Palmolive
once again

entered the meal market
in the mid-'70s,

with a roasted soybean snack
called Bambeanos.

How does it...
W-What?

[Andrea] This bamboozling
product was discontinued

after a short period
on supermarket shelves,

having failed to make a dent
in the nut game.

Both their TV dinners
and Bambeanos soy snacks

turned out to be less than a
blip on the radar for Colgate.

Sometimes you fail really hard,
and that's what Colgate did.

They failed really hard
on these family meals.

Even though Colgate did try
but fail

to get into
the food business,

at least they didn't
create something

like beef lasagna
mint-flavored toothpaste.

[woman] ♪ And the clean
in your mouth is Colgate ♪

[smacking lips]

[laughs]

Alright, let's recap.

MTV's "Punk'd" took pranking
to another level.

We were bedazzled
by Richard Simmons

as he sweated his short-shorts
to the oldies.

HitClips serenaded us
with a catchy chorus,

but their tiny reign
faded out.

Toothpaste giant Colgate

couldn't squeeze into
the frozen dinner market.

Though time has relegated
these moments to the past,

we're keeping their essence
alive a little while longer.

The good news is,
my performance on this show

will live in your hearts
forever.

I'm Bruce Campbell.

Time for me to sign off
from my bunker.

See you next time
on "Discontinued."

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪