Original subtitles

Welcome to "Discontinued."

I'm legendary actor and overall symbol of excellence

Bruce Campbell.

I'm coming to you from my impenetrable bunker

in the year 2037.

You see, AI has ravaged the world,

and, amidst the ruins, evil forces exert their control.

That's right.

No one can escape those student-loan collectors.

My bunker is filled with relics from the past,

and yet I don't have a working printer.

Of course, no one has a working printer.

[Bruce] Welcome to "Discontinued."

Ever since we humans hauled our hairy butts

out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared the world with technology.

Hey, computer, what's in the news today?

[Bruce] We let them in but couldn't get them out.

It's nothing but good news.

Humanity is doomed.

[Bruce] And these AI a-holes took everything.

Everything, that is, except for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am, Bruce Campbell, sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds of humanity's glorious past...

the stuff we discontinued.

We created this TV show to help you folks

in the present appreciate the past.

We know you won't listen, but it's worth a shot.

[Bruce] And to do that, I've co-opted the help

of two roving reporters in your time.

Our task? Simple.

Delve into the wondrous,

discarded rubble of humanity's golden age.

We'll hear the story of how Borders...

Borders bookstore was a vibe.

[Bruce] ...got Dewey-decimated by the Internet.

Surprise! It went out of business.

[Bruce] We'll let sugar-free gummy bears

work through our systems.

My asshole is burning.

-Crop-dusting. -Wild dumps on the toilet.

[Bruce] And get out the squeegee for a crystal-clear look

at the story of Google Glass.

Ooh, that's dangerous.

This, yeah, I'm only using this for porn.

Ow!

[Bruce] But first, we need to get serious, folks.

Frankly, not much is left

in this devastated dystopian realm.

Remember the Smithsonian Museum?

It's now a Spirit Halloween store.

The Smithsonian Museum used to have artifacts

from Hollywood history, like Dorothy's ruby slippers,

Fonzie's leather jacket, and Archie Bunker's chair,

but museum curators continually turned a blind eye

to the star-spangled spandex onesie

from "American Gladiators."

This wild show pitted average Joes

against a team of super-fit, blow-dried bodybuilders

in a series of games and obstacle courses.

Here's the lowdown on "American Gladiators."

[Andre] Thanks, Bruce.

I'm heading up the Hollywood Boulevard

to see if people remember this 20th-century,

Roman-American gladiator revival.

This ought to be interesting.

Well, do you remember the television show

"American Gladiators"? -Big foam padding.

Weren't they just fighting with like foam stuff?

Big guys and girls just fighting?

That's pretty much exactly the show, right there.

Well, do you remember the show "American Gladiators"?

Oh, they fine. I know they fine.

-Yeah, sure. -Yep, that's my husband.

The whole "American Gladiators"?

All of them -- I wanted more.

-Okay, wow. -Just sign me up for that one.

Couldn't have summed up "American Gladiators"

better myself.

But let's see if these people can.

"American Gladiators" is one of the greatest television shows

in the history of America.

♪♪

[announcer] From Universal Studios, Hollywood,

this is the "American Gladiators."

They took the real gladiators, and they removed

all the things that's bad, like death, live tigers,

but they kept all the things

that were great -- violence, injuries...

[announcer] Oh!

...homo-eroticism. [crowd cheers]

[announcer]Unbelievable strength.

Best show ever!

You believe I get paid to do this?

It was developed to kind of be like the Olympics

meets the gladiator right there on your television.

[Andre] It was sort of like the Olympics.

All you really need to know is that really,

really big men and women beat the...

...out of smaller men and women,

and you got points for not dying.

So, yeah, Olympics-ish.

People were lining up to get clobbered.

[announcer]Do you wanna be a star

on TV's ultimate competition show, "American Gladiators"?

You have someone just basically coming in off the street,

testing their strength.

[announcer] She's a model and a modeling instructor.

Suzanne a registered dietitian.

A plumber from Lake Ronkonkoma, New York.

It was a bit unfair to have somebody

who work at the bowling alley go up against an ex-NFL player.

When I first got up here, I said,

"I must break you," and I did! Yeah!

[Drew] It was the only place in the world

where a dude on steroids could just tackle a dude

who was in the Marines once, so, we think he's an athlete,

break him in half, and we're all like, "Yep, that's good TV."

These guys were hammering on me.

[Kristyn] People loved "American Gladiators"

because people like the underdog beating that Gladiator.

[announcer] Here are your American Gladiators.

[Andre] These powerful men and women

were larger-than-life gods

who proved that you didn't need brains to make hit TV.

[announcer] Nitro getting ready for a special challenge

in Power Ball.

A lot of muscles, baby oil.

Yeah, all of them wore onesies. It was pretty interesting

to watch a grown man with muscles wear onesies.

Just remember a lot of brawny ladies with,

like, those tight-muscle chests.

You're like, "Where did their cans go?"

I remember the names.

They all had weird steroid names,

like Rage and Laser... and Syringe.

[Drew] Nitro, Sky, Ice...

...Concussion Girl.

[Mike] My favorite Gladiator was Gemini.

He was like the black dude that was running the whole yard.

I wanted the contestant to win

unless they were going against Gemini.

I wanted him to win 'cause he was blocking 'em

and knocking 'em off the ropes.

And Malibu, Malibu was my dude. He had the big hair.

Yeah, he was like a Ken Doll with muscles.

He always talked like a surfer, and I remember one time,

there was a guy who was swinging,

and he kicked him in the forehead.

He folded up like a lawn chair,

but his hair was, like, still puffy and wild like a lion.

You know, happens to the best of 'em, you know, bro?

Alright!

Sweet.

"American Gladiator" wound up

being, like, a cultural touchpoint.

Tired of people in Washington acting like they're candidates

for the next episode of "American Gladiators."

People from 10 all the way up to 90 fell in love with this show.

Dun-dun-dun-dun dun-dun!

Gladiators, you're done.

Dun-nah-nah!

[Andre] But all good things,

much like the gladiatorial mullet,

must come to an end.

The first reason was that it was expensive to produce.

They had to create more and more challenges

that became very expensive on the budget.

The other reason is the cast.

The gladiators were often expected to work on two

to three episodes per day, which increased their injuries.

[announcer] I don't think anybody's home

after that collision.

[Kristyn] So, they needed more and more gladiators

to be able to step in at a moment's notice

and do the challenges.

[Andre] 15,000 gallons of rainbow Lycra

and 30,000 gallons of baby oil?

It adds up.

And so it came to a wrap in 1996.

But is any good idea ever really discontinued?

From the Speedo of "American Gladiators"

came prime-time gems like

"American Ninja Warrior" and "Wipeout,"

proving that America loves an underdog story,

as long as they get the [bleep] kicked out of 'em.

Thanks, Andre. And now it's time for another

"Discontinued in the Wild" from the past in the present.

My correspondent Andrea Lopez is out in L.A. ready to challenge

some unsuspecting people, tee-hee-hee.

Gag me with a spoon, Bruce.

No, I'm just kidding. I take that back.

You know what we're talking today?

The '80s. I'm here on Hollywood Boulevard

testing people's knowledge on some iconic '80's slang.

So, let's get into it. It's gonna be rad.

Alright, do you guys remember the term

"Gag me with a spoon"?

-Choke them? -Choke them out?

-Kill them? -Okay.

"Gag me with a spoon" is like people

were just getting on your nerve,

and you really didn't wanna hear that,

and, you were like, "I wanna barf."

[ding] Gag me with a spoon.

You got it. You nailed it. This is a crazy word, "tubular"?

Tubular?

Tubular? I have no idea.

I didn't even know that was a word.

When something's really cool, it's tubular, yeah.

-Yes. -Yeah, radical.

"Eat my shorts."

Eat my shorts. [laughs]

I have not heard that one in a very long time.

Like, go to hell? [ding]

Like, kiss my ass.

Right, right. What about "Where's the beef"?

Oh, the lady from the Wendy's commercial!

Yes!

Okay, how does she say it in the commercial?

"Where's the beef!"

"Where's the beef!"

[Bruce] Coming up...

How America's favorite bookstore

went from wholesome hangout...

It was Disneyland for books.

[Bruce] ...to closing the book forever.

Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Now, I saw firsthand what happened to society.

People started using their phones and Kindles to read.

See, before that, bookstores were actually a thing.

But, like phone booths, floppy discs,

and Jean-Claude Van Damme, people just lost interest.

Borders Bookstores was a huge deal once.

It had a made-for-TV story,

which was probably based on a book.

So, let's turn back the page on the Borders story.

Thanks, Bruce.

I'm here in present-day Los Angeles

to ask local citizens the simple question,

"What did Borders mean to you?"

-Barnes and Noble? -Sure.

Okay, then, let's back up.

Before people TikTokked and read books

on their iPads, there was Borders,

a bookstore that sold physical books.

Bookstores are boring.

All this fancy reading going on, huh!

[Andre] Right, but for bookworms,

Borders was a fast pass to fun.

It was Disneyland for books.

Borders bookstore was a vibe.

[Andre]Was it a vibe or was it boring?

The vibe was if a hospital had a book section.

[Andre]Sounds like a real page turner.

So, how does this epic story begin?

Borders was started in the 1970s by two brothers,

the Borders brothers. Hence, the name.

[Andre] Thanks for clarifying. Anyway...

Louis and Tom Borders set up shop in Michigan in 1971

with a store full of books that would build an empire.

They pioneered the concept of a superstore.

[Andre] A super-duper bookstore.

Incorporating not only books, but movies,

DVDs, CDs, and cafés.

It's like the it place to go if you want to be...

[Andre] You can say it.

...like, I don't want to say a nerd.

Borders bookstore was the spot if you were a nerd.

They also sold Pokémon cards.

-Nerd. -Nerd.

-Nerd. -Nerd.

It was like the club for nerds, you know?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Andre] So, what did all of these nerds do there all day?

I don't know.

Let's go just be stupid at Borders.

[Andre] That sounds fun.

I would meet my high school boyfriend, 'cause it felt

like a place that was acceptable for a young girl to go

and possibly get finger-blasted.

[Andre]I'll read what she's having.

It had this smell when you walked in, and you're like,

"Ah, I'm here."

[Andre]The smell of teen romance.

There's that very distinct,

very odd feeling of smelling a bunch of books

and immediately having to go [bleep]

like right then.

[Andre] The Borders' lavatory was the best place

in the world... [toilet flushes]

...to spend 5 to 15 minutes

with a book you never even paid for.

People used to hang out at Borders all the time,

just mainly 'cause their cats were tired of 'em.

[Andre] And from the growing popularity of nerds,

boyfriends, and bathroom users,

at its peak, Borders operated over 1,200 stores worldwide.

But just as the story was getting juicy, plot twist.

By 2011 it was over.

I tell you, the main challenge Borders faced

is they underestimated the importance of the Internet.

[Andre] Yikes, that's a big one.

[Sherwin] The only line of profit they had

was the purchase of actual books in the stores.

After a couple years, they realized, "You know what?

We don't want to deal with this Internet thing."

And no online presence, which did not work out for them.

[announcer] Introducing the Kindle by Amazon.

It's all your favorite stories in the palm of your hand.

So, they were very late to the game with their e-reader,

whereas Barnes and Noble and Amazon

were quick to market with that.

The thing about Borders bookstore is they sold books,

and now nobody really has books.

Even kids in school just have a computer.

In February 2011, Borders filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

Surprise! It went out of business.

[Andre] It was a crushing blow to bibliophiles everywhere.

Bookstores became museums, and, books, collectors' items.

Just having something in your hands

and then just the pages and the turning

and just the smell of it, like, there is a magic

and a culture there. You know what I mean?

I definitely wouldn't be okay with books going out of style

and everything's electronic.

I have a 9-year-old,

and she's like, "Can I download these books on my iPad?"

"No, you're gonna turn the pages."

So, keep the books! We need the books!

Guess you'll have to just buy one from Amazon.

Back to you, Bruce.

Thanks, Andre.

I may be living in the year 2037,

but my heart is in the past.

It's also in a jar at a medical-storage facility.

Anyway, there are some things I miss from the past,

like Haribo gummies.

But things went a little sour for the company

after introducing sugar-free Haribo gummies.

Let's look back now at the explosive chain of events.

Now, in theory, a sugar-free gummy bear

sounds like a great way to enjoy a tasty treat

without the calories.

So many people were trying to be healthy.

'Cause you want that gummy-bear body.

But if something sounds too good to be true,

it usually is.

Yeah, you'll lose weight because you're gonna

[bleep] everything out that's inside of you.

Yeah, let's talk about these little [bleep] bears.

Let's do it.

Haribo's sugar-free gummy treats,

the unsweetened treats that make you sheet.

[man singing in German]

[Andrea]That's scheisse in German.

[man singing in German]

[Andrea] Originally called Dancing Bears,

since 1922 the German-born snack was filled with sugar

and packed quite the caloric punch.

Fight!

[Andrea] And, today, they continue to keep sugar lovers

around the world happy and fat.

But, circa 2012, Haribo had a new customer in mind...

I got a great idea -- sugar-free gummy bears.

[Andrea] ...diabetics.

Do the gummy worm sugar-free, you know?

Worms get disrespected all the time.

Can't take the sugar out of the bears. Come on!

Bears eat honey.

They were tasty, zero calories, less sugar. What could go wrong?

[Andrea] I don't know. They're so delicious.

[dramatic music plays]

Apparently there was, like, an ingredient

in whatever this sugar-free stuff is,

in their formula, was blowing backs out.

It was made with "Moltol"? Maltitol.

Like, you can call it whatever the [bleep] you want.

What you call it is a nightmare.

[Andrea] Our bodies can only digest a small amount

of Malta...Malitol...

m...the "M" stuff.

And when the leftovers reach your intestines?

My asshole was burning for hours.

Kids don't know that these gummy bears

are gonna blow your back out.

These little kids are eating sugar-free gummy bears

and then just floating across the room.

They're crop-dusting their art class.

[kids laughing]

Music class --

elementary schools must have had to be evacuated.

[Andrea] It wasn't a fire drill. It was a gas leak.

In Haribo's defense, I mean, on the packaging it did say

if you eat in excess you're gonna run into major danger,

but who is sitting down with a package of gummy bears,

reading the packaging, and only eating one or two?

That just doesn't happen.

[Andrea] The best place to read is on the can.

But, of course, by then it's too late.

Thankfully, the Internet and the news media

caught wind of the flatulent gummies.

[reporter] "Not long after eating about 20 of these,

all hell broke loose.

I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing

I've ever imagined."

Haribo sugar-free gummy bears went viral on Amazon

when there was over 53 pages of reviews, all negative.

[reporter] "Scenes from the movie '2012'

could have been filmed inside my gut."

There was things like "upside-down volcano,"

"streams of fire,"

"Satan's wrath" and "power wash for your intestines."

[reporter] "And I was never asked to send snacks

to my daughter's class again."

[Andrea] Was that math? History? Or farts and crafts?

The trauma of the sugar-free Haribo gummy bears

I kept to myself.

I didn't know it was so universal.

I didn't really understand how big of a deal it was

until they had the sugar-free gummy-bear challenges.

Today we're gonna be trying

the Haribo sugarless gummy-bear challenge.

I am going to eat the entire 5-pound bag.

What are we doing here? What are we doing?

Oh, I don't feel good at all.

To have it just for the experience

of just taking wild dumps on the toilet.

[man] My butt literally feels like razor blades

are slicing into it.

I'm out. I'm out, man. Who's doing this?

[Andrea] Everyone was doing it, but the sugar-free product

was a stain on the Haribo brand.

I have ass-ploded about five times already.

[Andrea]And it was time to flush.

[toilet flushes]

Now, mind you, if you are constipated,

that's probably the best-tasting laxative in the world.

That would have been a great commercial.

"Do you eat 'em in the morning? Do you eat 'em at night?

They sugar-free but keep that butthole tight."

Tasty and cleanse you out -- Haribo's sugar-free gummy bears.

♪ Happy world of Haribo ♪

Food for thought. Back to you, Bruce.

[Bruce] Coming up...

"What the [bleep] is on your face?

Are we not gonna talk about this?"

[Bruce] ...we examine Google's fruitless search

for a hit product. [Kristen] Are you kidding me?

You're putting my phone on my face?

[Bruce]And the results are in,

Now, let's move on to a product

that was supposed to be the next big thing

but didn't exactly pan out.

Google Glass was the futuristic eyewear

that promised to revolutionize

the way we interact with technology.

Now let's get a clearer picture of Google Glass.

Roll clip, Google Glass. Roll clip.

Roll it...Google?

Are you there, Google?

Piece of crap.

Don't worry. I'm here, Bruce. And it's always been my dream

to order Chinese food through my glasses

while still looking like Cyclops from the X-Men.

Can I put this on?

[Andrea] Well, in 2012,

when Google announced Google Glass, they did it.

Does it go this way? I mean, what is this?

If I remember correctly, I can put these on.

Can I -- am I supposed to see -- here's the first problem.

What is happening here with the glasses?

This, yeah, I'm only using this for porn.

[woman moaning]

Wait. Are you watching porn on your glasses?

Mute.

[Andrea] Google Glass was the first wearable

augmented-reality device...

Who wants to see a demo of Glass?

[Andrea]...launched out of a blimp...

[man] And they're off!

[Andrea]...and then marketed by models.

It's awesome. I'm so excited.

[Andrea] Wait, wait, but what did it do again?

It had a transparent display in the top-right corner,

which would show you things such as text messages,

the weather, the time.

Are you kidding me?

You're putting my phone on my face?

Bring in the LED.

[Andrea] It was the future, and the future looked cool.

Google Glass was the first sign

that maybe the future was gonna suck.

Look at me right now!

Wow! I feel like a cyborg.

I feel like the black character on "Star Trek."

Come on. What are we doing?

-It's ridiculous. -Yeah, this is fine.

Someone at Google thought this would be fine.

[electricity crackles] Ow!

[Andrea] Okay, but the GPS function was useful.

What if I'm driving?

You can't have a bunch of words coming up.

You're gonna end up walking over people.

You're gonna end up killing 'em. [Andrea] How?

Just because you're driving a 2-ton vehicle

that kills on impact?

Ooh, that's dangerous.

[tires screech]

Oh, you can't. I can't do that.

[Andrea] Fine. But it was affordable.

These devices started at $1,500.

[Andrea] Yeah, but everyone was wearing them.

Do I know anybody who's owned Google Glass?

No.

[Andrea] Google Glass was confusing,

made you look uglier.

It was dangerous, also expensive,

and generally unacceptable.

There was a reason why people with Glass

were termed "glass-holes."

Traffic on the way here was weird, right?

You'd be like, "What the [bleep] is on your face?

Are we not gonna talk about this?"

This is like an instant punch-you-in-the-face machine.

[reporter] This woman, wearing the funny-looking glasses,

says she was hassled by customers in a bar.

Could you imagine just walking in,

someone had Google Glass on,

and they're just looking at you, and you're just, like...

[record scratches]

"Is this dude Google-Glassing me right now?"

[as Schwarzenegger] It's not a tumor! It's Google Glass.

How do I know if I'm getting recorded, though?

That's scary, though.

The public did have reason and cause for concern,

because, yeah, you have no idea what they're recording.

[Andrea] No shoes, no shirt, and no way are you bringing

Google Glass into this bar.

So, if eyes are the windows to the soul,

Google Glass is the stalker sitting outside that window,

collecting all of your biometric data.

[reporter] See, if I were to take those away from you now,

would you miss them? -Yes.

[Andrea] That one lady and peeping toms everywhere

were SOL when Google discontinued Glass in 2015.

I'm glad I missed out on this.

[Andrea]In 2017 they tried again,

this time with a rebrand for the medical field.

Glass, can you pull up the healthcare maintenance

for Micah?

[Andrea] No one cared, and, in 2023,

it was discontinued again.

It just shows, even smart people can come up with dumb ideas.

But none as dumb as wearing Google Glass into a bar.

[reporter] One confrontation won't stop her

from seeing the world through Google Glass.

Back to you, Bruce.

We learn that every transformative tale

must eventually come to a bittersweet end...

"American Gladiator" giving us the muscle-bound,

spandex-clad athletes we didn't know we needed,

until we didn't need them anymore...

With Borders bookstore turning the page to chapter 11...

Sugar-free Haribo gummies giving colons everywhere

a run for their money...

Google Glass, allowing users to see the future,

and it was a future without Google Glass.

These modern marvels may have faded into the past,

but we continue to cherish their legacy in the present

so you can enjoy them in the future

or some crap like that.

I'm Bruce Campbell, signing off from my bunker,

proving once again that talent is timeless.

See you next time on "Discontinued"!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪