All language subtitles for Discontinued.2023.S01E01.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

Hello, I'm film and television
icon Bruce Campbell.

Yes, the same Bruce Campbell
who possesses

unparalleled charisma,
boundless talent,

and a fan base
that Pauly Shore would envy.

I'm transmitting these images
from the not-so-distant future.

The year here is 2037...

...and I'm coming to you
from my impenetrable bunker.

I'm here to warn you
of what's to come.

AI has completely taken over.

It's a real... [static]
...show out there.

But most importantly,
I've found a way

to transmit this TV show
from the future,

to remind you
to cherish the past.

Welcome to Discontinued.

[bell tolls]

Ever since we humans pulled
our hairy butts out of caves...

Watson, come in, here!

...we've shared the world
with technology.

Computer, make me
a sandwich, please.

We let them in,
but couldn't get them out.

[computer] Okay,
making you into a sandwich.

[Bruce] These AI a-holes
took everything.

Everything, that is,
except for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am,
Bruce Campbell,

sealed inside a cave
with the last shreds

of humanity's glorious past.

The stuff we Discontinued.

Inside my bunker,
I've got a butt-load of relics

that were discontinued.
Meanwhile, other things

continued to exist
and crush our souls,

even in 2037.

Yes, Crocs are still around.

I've contacted
a crew of reporters

in your present timeline,

and they'll be assisting me
in the daunting task

of reawakening these cherished
wonders of the past,

and uncovering what was behind
their mysterious demise.

From the businessman's
favorite fruit...

BlackBerry.

This made you automatically
look important.

You'd be like, "Hold on,
I'm talking to Obama".

...to everyone's favorite
child survival tournament.

Legends of the Hidden Temple.

[Ryan] If you get caught
by the temple guard,

that kid's just [bleep] gone.

[Bruce] To Disney World's
multi-million dollar mistake...

-$6,000 for two nights?
-Hell, no!

The exorbitantly priced
Star Wars Galactic Starcruiser.

So, let's kick things off with
a fluffy blast from the past.

Can you guess the furry
little creature

that creeped out a bunch
of people in the '90s?

I'm talking about the furry
robots known as Furbys.

Check it out, this is
a generation one Furby

that was released in 1998.

It's a little on
the chunkier side,

because this was a sad time
before Ozempic.

Let's see what he has to say.

[Furby yawns]

[Furby mutters indistinctly]

-Gwyneth Paltrow?
-[Furby exclaims]

-Oh yeah, you like her too, huh?
-[Furby exclaims]

Let's get the full scoop
on this little baby.

Thanks, Bruce.
Nowadays, it's hard to say

what toys are popular with kids.
In fact, it's hard to say

if they even
play with toys at all.

They'd rather watch Tik-Toks
and eat Tide pods.

But, at the turn of the century,
there was one toy

that topped the Christmas list
of every child.

-[reporter] It's Furby.
-That's right!

[Andre] This battery-operated
cat, rabbit, bird,

Gremlin thing stirred up
quite the mass hysteria.

People lost their minds
standing in line,

clobbering over each other
in toy stores.

[anchor] A local radio station
sponsored a wrestling match

where the last one in the ring
wins the Furby.

[Andre] Good, clean
Christmas fun.

[woman shrieks]

But who was responsible
for this madness?

David Hampton
worked for, like,

a bunch of different
toy companies,

and then he meets this guy,
Caleb Chung.

They're like, "We're gonna
make an electronic companion".

[Andre] And unlike other
virtual pets,

like, say, Tamagotchis...

You couldn't pet
the Tamagotchi,

couldn't hold the Tamagotchi.

[Andre]David and Caleb's prototype,

Furball, as it was known
at the time,

was quite pet-able.

-But look at him.-Tiger Electronics did,

and they liked what they saw,
so they bought the concept

from David and Caleb
before renaming it...

-Furby!-Which was programmed

to speak Furbish. Natch.

[speaking Furbish]

[Ester] They gave you
a dictionary of Furbish.

[speaking Furbish]

Couldn't it have been Spanish?

Couldn't I have learned
something educational?

[speaking Furbish]

But no, I'm learning...

[speaks Furbish]

[Andre] But regardless of what
language it was speaking,

Once the Furby started, it...

-...Would not stop talking.
-[speaking Furbish]

[speaking Furbish]

You had to take
the batteries out.

There's no on and off button.

What did that teach us
as kids?

Oh, the moment that something
annoys you...

[speaks Furbish]

Just kill it.

[Andre] Impossible.
Furbys were unstoppable!

1.8 million of them were sold
in the first year.

Which is pretty good for
a creepy-looking Gremlin doll.

[Andre] Oh, sorry, no,
it's definitely not a Gremlin.

I think there was a lawsuit.

[Andre] Actually,
it was worse than that.

There was a settlement
with the movie studio,

which actually led to something
deeply unsettling.

Gizmo, he'll be
your best friend.

[speaks Furbish]

An actual Gremlins Furby.

-[speaks Furbish]-But let's be honest,

there's one thing all Furbys
have in common.

This thing's creepy as [bleep].

[Andre] Well,
depending on who you ask.

You never knew
when it would turn on.

It'd kind of come to life...

and just start talking to you.

[speaks Furbish]

I'd think the battery ran out,

and then six months would go by,
it'd be like...

[shrieking]

I'd be like, "Get the [bleep]
out of my house!"

From The Simpsons,to the US government.

Furbys were freaking folks
right the [bleep] out.

Specifically, the NSA
got a little nervous.

-'Cause it was looking at us?
-'Cause they thought

-they were being recorded.
-Oh, my God.

And they started prohibiting
all their employees from

entering any type
of government building

-with a Furby.
-[Andre] Except, the NSA

grossly overestimated
this would-be foreign agent.

According to Furby co-creator,
David Hampton,

the Furby could not record
any sounds at all.

That sounded good enough
for the NSA,

and they closed the file
on Furby for good.

Release that.
I want the UFO files

and the Furby files released.

[Andre]Maybe it was the government,

or maybe the batteries
just finally ran out,

but eventually...
Furby was silenced.

Because there was
an over-saturation of Furbys

in the market,
the demand for Furbys declined.

[Andre] And though there
have been various refreshes

-over the years...
-Furby Party Rockers,

-Furby Boom.
-To Furbacca.

[Furbacca roars]

...sadly, the days
of Furby-mania

have yet to return.

Though, we may wanna be careful
what we wish for.

A college student
hacked into a Furby

and connected it to ChatGPT,

and the Furby said...

[eerie music plays]

Maybe the NSA wasn't wrong
after all.

[Ester speaking Furbish]

Maybe I need to stock up on
canned goods and shotguns.

Looks like the future is Furby.

[Bruce] Thanks, Andre.

Now, we're gonna jump into
the wild of the past.

Let's turn it over to
our special correspondent,

Andrea Lopez, who is live
in your present timeline,

outside on the beautiful
sidewalks of LA.

Something I never would've
written myself.

Thanks, Bruce. I'm Andrea Lopez,

walking along the iconic
Hollywood Boulevard today,

to talk about the phrases
that come from the early 2000s.

Let's get into it.

Let's go over some phrases
and see if these

-mean anything to you.
-Okay.

Nut Huggers.

Oh, gosh, prob-- Oh...

Is that a character in, um,

-a cartoon movie?
-[laughs]

-Did you ever use that term?
-No. [laughs]

Does anybody know what
the term "Nut Hugger" means?

Like, a thing that squirrels
do in the park.

Hugging lots of nuts.

High pants who keep
your nuts together.

-[dinging]
-[laughter]

What about "peeps?"

-Not the candy.
-"Peeps" like your homies?

-[dinging]
-Homies, she got that one.

-You could be my peep.
-What do we think

"doin' the dirty" means?

Okay... [laughs]

I don't know, doing laundry?

"Doin' the dirty"...

"Doin' the dirty" means
doing dirty sex.

I guess, like, DTF.

-Like... [laughs]
-DTF.

You know,
I like laundry better.

-[laughter]
-Laundry is better.

-We're cleaning it up, okay?
-Yeah.

[Bruce] Thanks, Andrea.
Coming up...

-Wow.-...we remember the fruit

that started it all.

BlackBerry, great name.

The whole keyboard, whoo!

[Bruce]It's a cornucopia of fun,

[Bruce]
Our next topic is technology.

I mean, who doesn't
love technology?

It's not like
technology will lead

AI to surpass
human intelligence,

become our evil overlords,
and eventually kill us all.

[chuckles]

[clears throat] Huh...

But... let's go back
to a simpler time,

when this was considered
a technological marvel.

Behold, the BlackBerry.

This phone-slash-mini computer
was the darling

of the corporate world,
second only to the copy machine

used to Xerox ass cheeks
at holiday office parties.

BlackBerry became so addictive,

it earned
the nickname "Crackberry."

Users constantly checked
their phones, email

and messages all day long.

So, let's dive right in
to the captivating rise

and dramatic fall
of this iconic smartphone.

[Andre] Thanks, Bruce!

I'm back on the streets.
This time,

I've set out to find
people to share

their fond BlackBerry memories.

The phone, not the fruit.

Do you remember the BlackBerry?

-Yes, of course.
-Do you miss it?

-No.-Except, we didn't find any.

-So, instead...
-What y'all doing with this?

we went back to our trusty
nostalgia connoisseurs.

I forgot how cute
BlackBerrys were!

I had one!

I owned a couple
of BlackBerrys.

I had six of them.

[Andre]
I think that's called a punnet.

But if you think six is a lot,

at their peak, BlackBerrys sold

more than 52.3 million units
in one year!

But how did these miniature
mobile mechanisms

get so big?

Well, it all started here...

[moose grunts]

Canada, in 1984.

Childhood friends,
Mike Lazaridis

and Douglas Fregin founded
Research in Motion, short R.I.M.

[Andre]Initially making their name

in early digital wireless tech
in the mid-90s, R.I.M would

release the very first two-way
messaging device,

or a pager that
let you type back.

In '99, R.I.M launched
the BlackBerry 850.

You had the whole keyboard.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[Andre] A keyboard that R.I.M's
branding company

thought looked a little fruity.

Kind of looked like seeds
of a strawberry.

[Andre]Which, as far as names go...

Strawberry would
have been the worst.

[Andre] R.I.M instead opted
to go a little sexier.

BlackBerry, great name.

But those little buttons
didn't just give

the BlackBerry its name,
because without them,

it wouldn't have been able
to do what made it

so groundbreaking for its time.

It was, like, the first device
that you could actually

-send an email with.
-That was the thing, like...

Instant connection.
I type it, you'd get it,

you could type it right back
to me, this is wild.

[Andre]And it got even wilder,

when the BlackBerry 5810
launched in 2002.

Combining email, texting,

web browsing and a cell phone

-into one device.
-That's crazy.

And that, coupled with R.I.M's
security first approach...

They're known for Enterprise
software, it's very secure.

...meant that BlackBerry
meant business.

It was the phone that
lawyers had, doctors had.

This made you automatically
look important.

You be like, "Hold on,
"I'm talking to Obama".

[phone rings]

It's my BlackBerry!

If you had a BlackBerry,
you made it.

[Andre] You probably
also found yourself

developing an unhealthy
dependence on it,

which is why the BlackBerry
soon became

-known as the "Crackberry".
-Wow.

Oh, are you gonna
do the BlackBerry

-head down thing on me, now?
-Wait, what?

Who are you,
why are you talking to me?

-I'm on my BlackBerry.
-It was just all emails,

-all the time.
-I don't do talking.

-I only do email.
-And all during dinner,

and all while
I was on dates with them.

-Oh, yeah.
-[Andre] And BBM,

-which was short for...
-Big Baby Mommas.

Uh, yes, but it also stood
for BlackBerry Messenger.

It was like Whatsapp
before Whatsapp.

You can only talk to other
BlackBerry users.

Oh, you don't have a BlackBerry?
We won't be able

-to communicate effectively.
-It's where you did

-all your sneaky ho shit.
-[record scratch]

My BBMs were
popping back in the day.

[Andre] Popping and privileged.
In fact, we were all...

Losing our minds
over this [bleep].

As the BlackBerry continued
to dominate year after year...

-They had the market.-...holding steady

against an onslaught
of competition.

-[phone beeps]
-[imitates beep] What's that?

[Andre] That is until 2007,

when an even fruitier phone
showed up on the scene.

iPhone was the first
keyboard-less touch screen.

[Andre] Which was
something BlackBerry...

-One second, hold on, okay.-...refused to do.

But thinking an Apple would
be better than a BlackBerry,

for some businessmen,
was simply laughable.

$500? And it doesn't appeal
to business customers,

because it doesn't
have a keyboard.

[Andre] T hen there was
that other problem.

Does this thing
even have apps on it?

-Not really.
-I don't even think it had GPS.

I had to like get around
to my booty calls

like I was Magellan.

[Andre]Users were setting sail

for the new world of iPhones,
while R.I.M was lost at sea.

You're hard-headed,
you're stubborn,

you have tunnel vision,
you're like, "Enterprise,

"enterprise, enterprise",
you're not gonna

-listen to people.
-[Andre] But there was one thing

that R.I.M couldn't ignore,
sales figures.

And so in 2012, they finally
took their shot at Apple

with the BlackBerry 10,
featuring, finally,

a touch screen
and third party apps.

However, by the time
they did launch it,

it ultimately failed,
because the market had moved on,

and it kind of just left
BlackBerry in the dust.

But R.I.M were known
for being...

-...Very secure.-So it's fitting,

that in 2016, they stopped
manufacturing mobile devices

to focus on
security software.

Good for them, 'cause they were
the first on the scene.

I hate to see someone
do something fabulous,

and then, you know,
everyone forget them.

I mean we've forgotten them,
but, you know...

[laughs]

What if I told you
there used to be

a show on TV
that combined Jeopardy

with the excitement
of Indiana Jones ?

You'd probably say, "Bruce,
how did you get in my house?"

Or, "Why didn't you ever
win an Oscar?"

I get that one all the time.

Anyway, such a show did exist,

and it aired on Nickelodeon.

I'm talking about
the action adventure show,

Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Let's break it all down.

Every kid in the '90s
had a dream.

For some, it was
meeting Michael Jordan.

-Mine was to be a Power Ranger.
-Congratulations, Andrea.

We were all hoping
it would be you.

But there were plenty others
who would've said...

Mine was to be onLegends of the Hidden Temple.

[upbeat music plays]

I loved all the Nickelodeon
game shows.

One of the greatest
kids' shows ever made.

They'd get kids and have 'em
do physical challenges

in this sort ofIndiana Jones- style cave.

Go!

[Andrea]The teams had to fight it out

through four
elimination rounds.

It was our, like,
little Survivor.

[Kirk] Who's gonna pull
themselves across first?

I wanted to be
on the show so bad...

but I'm not a very
strong swimmer.

[Andrea] Stone Stanley
Productions created the show,

and swung in host, Kirk Fogg,
to guide the kids

on this adventure.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Andrea] Alongside
an animatronic idol named...

-Wall Face.-Maybe he called him that,

but his name
was actually Olmec.

Thank you, Olmec.

Oh, his lips are moving
when he talks.

Blackbeard made a man
eat his own ears...

And he would oftentimes
explain the challenges.

Some were actually
historically accurate,

and others not so much.

I know I watched one
where they looked for

Harriet Tubman's walking stick.

Now we know [bleep] well

that was not Harriet Tubman's
walking stick.

[Andrea]Well, there's no mystery

around the final round
of the show,

an amazing maze of challenges

known as the Temple Run.

It was real anxiety,
me watching Temple Run.

[Andrea] And the most
anxiety-inducing room

had to be...

The Shrine of the Silver Monkey.

[Kirk]
Put the monkey together.

Why nobody knew how to put
the monkey together?

[Kirk] You've gotta
get the base first.

The head would be sideways.

[whimsical music plays]

Turn the damn monkey's
head around!

[Kirk] Oh, he's having trouble
with the monkey!

The damn same monkey,
no-one could get it together.

[Andrea]But soon, this monkey business

was replaced
with parent onlookers

falling to pieces.

Watch out for Temple Guards.

[eerie music plays]

[Ryan] If you get caught
by the Temple Guard

and you don't have the pendant
that buys them off,

that kid's just [bleep] gone.

[scream]

They never explained
where that kid went.

[George] These were grown men
in, like, African masks,

and with no shirt on,
grabbing kids.

[menacing laugh]

[Andrea]But after the grueling hours

these kids
had to put in on set,

some of them probably
needed hugs.

They would bring in multiple
teams for multiple shows

and they would film about
three episodes per day.

So, these kids were
sometimes at the studio

for up to 12 hours.

You had kids sobbing,
they're tired.

Kids threw up.

Did you have fun? Yes.

[Andrea]Everyone was having fun,

including those sickos at
the top floor of Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon does something
interesting

with most of their shows.

They run 'em
about three seasons,

even if they're
wildly successful,

they wrap 'em up and move
'em onto the next thing.

[Andrea]And so, after three seasons...

-Bye-bye!
-[wheezing]

...the show was buried in 1995.

Only to be excavated again
for a new generation.

I'm back!

In 2021, CW was able
to do a revival of the show.

[Andrea] Sadly for
trauma therapists everywhere,

that revival lasted
only one season,

leaving Legends
of the Hidden Temple,

once again,
an ancient relic.

Though, for some of us,
the show will always

remain a treasured memory.

I will swim oceans and climb
mountains for you, Olmec.

[scream]

-[Bruce] Coming up...
-Galactic Starcruiser was set on

a cruise ship
in the universe of Star Wars.

-$6,000 for two nights?
-Hell, no!

[Bruce] So,
hold your wallets close

and prepare to be boarded,

when Discontinued continues.

Being this famous, I'm always
forced to use a fake name

when I stay at hotels,
you know,

to keep the pesky
paparazzi away.

That's why I always check in
under the name Daniel Baldwin.

It works great.

Now, our next segment
is about a themed hotel

that was meant to be a dream
come true for fans

looking for the ultimateStar Wars experience.

No, not the Jar-Jar Binks
bed and breakfast.

[as Jar-Jar binks] "Meesa see
no stars on Trip Advisor."

No, I'm talking about Disney'sStar Wars Galactic Starcruiser.

It was the world's only hotel
where if a power outage hit,

the staff could just say,
"Hey, it's part of the theme.

"Welcome to the dark side."
So, let's unpack the saga

of the Galactic Starcruiser.

For decades, Star Wars fans
have dreamed of traveling

to a galaxy far, far away.

But traveling in
a galaxy far, far away?

How cool is that?

It's the coolest thing
I've ever done

that you can't tell
your friends about,

-'cause it's really nerdy.
-[Andrea] Ah, we're all nerds.

It's the geekiest thing
you could do.

Galactic Starcruiser
was a two-day

hotel immersive experience,

themed to Star Wars
in Walt Disney World in Florida.

[Andrea] Leaving the Florida
swamplands behind,

you go not very far,
far away.

It's set on, basically,
a cruise ship

in the universe of Star Wars.

[Andrea]But still very much in Florida.

The whole staff is in character.

[Andrea]Oh, not just the staff.

You get in character, too,
they want you to dress up.

[Andrea] Not a problem for those
cosplaying Star Wars nerds.

I think I'll wear this on my
excursion to Batuu, tomorrow.

[Andrea]But this was a cruise,

so there had to be
some activities, right?

It's so fun,
you do lightsaber training.

[Andrea] Fake skills you'll need
to defend your fake Jedi life.

So. the ship gets taken over,
then then you're scared, right?

And they make you stay
in your room for a little bit.

[Andrea]Cowering in fear and comfort.

The rooms on
the Galactic Starcruiser

had windows that
looked out into space.

[Andrea] But you didn't
have too long to look out

into the deep, infinite void
of space... [echoing]

and contemplate
your life choices.

Spoiler alert, yeah,
we all get out of there safe,

-it's like a hero.- [Andrea] And as they say,

nothing makes you hungrier
than fake fear.

There's all kinds
of gourmet chefs

from all of the galaxies.

Oh, I bet it got
a little exotic.

One of the food items
at the dinner show

-was the Felucian blue shrimp.
-[Andrea] Exotic indeed,

because this blue prawn hub
did not come cheap.

Galactic Starcruiser only
lasted 18 months.

It was too expensive to run
and too expensive to attend.

[Andrea] Come on,
how expensive could it be?

$4,800 for a family of two
to go.

-[Andrea] Oh.
-And for a family of four,

starting at $6,000,
and upwards from there.

$6,000 for two nights?

Hell no.

I'd rather go to Taylor Swift,
baby, front row.

[Andrea]Okay sure, but you cannot

do lightsaber training
at a T Swift concert.

You're still just
a 35-year-old guy

standing with a PVC pipe
that's glowing in your hand.

[Andrea] But still, a view into
the infinite depths of space?

-It's priceless.
-Which was just a screen.

Ah.

Many called it
a windowless bunker.

-No sunlight?
-They also had bunk beds

-that looked really cramped.
-[Andrea] Okay, fine.

But what about
all that exotic food?

Food's gross.
[chuckles] It's awful.

[Andrea] Which is exactly
what the problem was.

The only people that were
shelling out money

for the attraction
were hardcore Star Wars fans.

I got to be Black Han Solo
for, like, two days.

[Andrea] And all that leaves
are all the sane people

who would rather
spend their money on

going anywhere but Florida.

Seems like Disney
really blew it on this one.

Let's recap our journey
into the forgotten.

Whether it's Furbys
boosting development skills

while haunting
children's dreams,

BlackBerry
advancing communication,

before its
agonizing death spiral,

or Legends
of the Hidden Temple

allowing awkward adolescents

to live out their
adventure fantasies.

Star Wars fans watching
the Galactic Starcruiser

succumbing to the dark side,

these cultural watermarks
may be a distant memory,

but we're bringing 'em back
for you to cherish,

before you tumble into
the hellish future I'm in.

I'm Bruce Campbell
signing off from my bunker.

Join me next time,
as we explore more things

that are Discontinued.