Original subtitles

Welcome to "Discontinued."

I am the awe-inspiring Bruce Campbell,

a living reminder of the heights that can be reached

through unwavering passion and relentless charm.

This transmission is coming to you

from my fortress in the year 2037.

The AI takeover has turned the world

into a colossal dumpster fire.

Civilization has crumbled.

The vestiges of culture have vanished,

and yet Sbarro's Pizza continues to thrive.

[Bruce] This is "Discontinued."

Ever since we humans hauled our hairy butts out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared the world with technology.

Psst. Hey, computer, will we get a second season?

[Bruce] We let them in but couldn't get them out.

[computer] That depends on our overlord, Ryan Reynolds.

[Bruce] And these AI A-holes took everything,

everything, that is, except for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am, Bruce Campbell, sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds of humanity's glorious past,

the stuff we discontinued.

Amid the chaos, I've assembled a team

to assist me on this TV show...

[Bruce]...in uncovering the truth

behind these nostalgic nuggets of the past.

It's a thankless job --

Well, actually, I do thank them sometimes

when they get it right.

-Thanks, Bruce. -Thanks, Bruce.

[Bruce] From Disney's ill-fated adventure in virtual worlds...

When I was a kid, I was just like, "Yo,

you can ride the Aladdin ride

and put on this helmet and be in a whole new world?"

Take me back. Whoa!

[Bruce] ...to a game that gifted teen girls

with emotional baggage...

Why is it my responsibility

to find out what guy has a crush on me?

[Bruce] ...and a deceptive mint that tortured taste buds.

I heard that it used to burn the mouths of people.

It's like chewing on a menthol cigarette.

[Bruce] But first...

Some of you have been wondering how I pass the time

in my post-apocalyptic man-cave.

You can find me re-watching every season of C-SPAN,

that and all the episodes of "Family Matters"

with Jaleel White beating me out for that role.

I mean, I would've killed it. Listen, listen.

[clears throat]

[high-pitched] Hey! Did I do that?

[echoing] Did I do that? Did I do that?

You're stunned. I know. I know it.

So, let's see how a Bruce Campbell-less

"Family Matters" still managed to capture America's heart.

Thanks, Bruce. This is Andre here in present-day Los Angeles

to see what really mattered about "Family Matters."

Do you remember the show "Family Matters"?

[Spider-Man] Oh, yeah.

Did you remember that Urkel had a dance?

-Uh-huh. -[sings indistinctly]

[Spider-Man] I'm Steve Urkel, and I love you.

♪ And do the Urkel dance ♪

Are you Steve Urkel in this?

-[Spider-Man] I am Steve Urkel! -I knew it!

Sorry, Spider-Man, but the ratings hero in "Family Matters"

was the Urk-man.

[Andre] When Steve Quincy Urkel

crashed the prime-time party in 1989...

Oh, just call me Steve.

[Andre] ...the TGIF block of programming on ABC...

Buenos dias, el muchacho grande!

[Andre] ...was never the same.

TGIF, Thank God It's Friday.

That was back in the days where families ate food at the table.

["Family Matters" theme song playing]

"Family Matters" was one of the greatest

family sitcoms of all time.

Of course it was a black family

so I thought that that was really, really dope.

[Andre] In 1989, ABC thought

if they cast the mom from "Perfect Strangers"...

This is a family matter, and you're in the line of fire.

[Andre] ...and the cop from "Die Hard"...

Damn it! Jesus H. Christ!

[Andre]...they'd strike ratings gold

with a black middle-class family from Chicago,

the Winslows.

And they also had originally three kids --

Eddie, Laura, and Judy.

-[Andre] Originally? -Okay, yeah.

Please. I'm outta here.

[Andre] Little sister Judy, we'll circle back.

The premise of "Family Matters" was supposed to be

about Carl Winslow, who was a Chicago cop,

and it was supposed to revolve around his family.

But it was just a great family show.

[Andre] That nobody was watching

until the nerdy next-door neighbor showed up mid-season.

Hi, Mr. Winslow. I'm Steve Urkel.

Steve Urkel from "Family Matters"

is like the iconic character,

with the catchphrase that he had.

"Well, excuse me!"

No, no, wait, hold on.

Hold on, brain. I smoke too much weed.

Did I do that?

"Did I do that?"

"Did I do that?"

Did I do that?

Like, he made that show special.

[Andre] Urkel was the missing ingredient.

He added this goofy, wacky, comedic element.

And he wound up taking over the show.

And they started chanting, "Urkel."

Go figure!

This is the first week, and ever since then, I've been back.

[Andre]Urkel was a house pest...

Nice house for a cop.

[Andre] ...that never left.

Thanks.

[Andre] But in addition

to taking Mr. Winslow's self-respect...

Did I do that?

[Andre] Alright, we get it.

...Urkel wanted to take his daughter on a date.

You love me, don't you?

[Andre] But...

She wouldn't give him the time of day.

Make him go away. Go home!

[Andre] But love is blind...

We're not married. We're not engaged.

[Andre] ...and apparently deaf.

Hi, Laura. You busy?

I mean, if my Dad was a cop, and this guy was my stalker...

That shower running doesn't fool me, Laura!

...he'd be dead.

Lock him up.

[Andre]But deaf and life in prison

couldn't stop the chemistry that Urkel was brewing.

Nerdy Steve Urkel...

...drank this potion.

Look out, stomach, here it comes.

And watching him, like, go crazy and, like, spazzing out.

-Steve? -There is no Steve here.

And became...

I'm Stefan, sweet thing.

...Stefan Urquelle.

Ooh!

[Andre] "Family Matters" had found a cure for nerds.

That gave everyone hope that you could be with a dorky guy

and turn him into Michael B. Jordan.

-Stefan? -That's right, baby.

[Andre]Urkel had incredible range,

and Urkel mania was everywhere.

He had toys...

The one and only talking Urkel doll!

[Andre] ...his own cereal...

[laughing, snorting]

[Andre] ...a dance.

[cheers and applause]

[Andre] But as "Family Matters'" ratings soared,

little sister Judy was left behind.

Judy was getting less screen time,

because Steve Urkel was getting all the screen time.

[Andre] Until finally...

Judy went upstairs and never came back.

Nobody ever took her water or anything.

She just disappeared.

"Hopefully nobody will notice."

We noticed!

Where did Judy go?

What the hell happened to Judy?

She was just off the show.

That's the coldest write-off of any character I've ever seen.

And I didn't realize it for probably two

or three more seasons later.

That's how impactful her part was

that you didn't even know she was gone!

Hey, don't look at me. I don't know you.

[Andre] Even though this version of Judy's disappearance

is an urban legend, her character was written off,

which made even more room for the catchphrase king.

But as little Urkel...

This is not a kid! This is a man!

[Andre]...grew into adolescence,

ratings dipped after Season 6 and continued to bomb.

"Family Matters" went on too long.

They were getting too ridiculous with the storylines.

Once they time-traveled, once there was pirates in there,

I was like, you know what? I'm out.

[Andre] But in 1998, after nine seasons,

"Family Matters" was canceled.

I don't believe this.

It's official. The Urk-man made "Family Matters" matter.

Jaleel White, you the man, bro.

Back to you, Bruce.

Brace yourself for another "Discontinued" in the wild,

from the past in the present.

My special correspondent Andrea Lopez

is out in the bustling streets of LA

to get some fascinating predictions.

Oh, hi, Bruce, I didn't see you there.

I'm just enjoying some pie in North Hollywood.

And today we're gonna be talking to people

and seeing what their predictions are

for what will be discontinued in the future.

What will not be discontinued? Key lime pie.

Let's talk our predictions

for what's gonna be discontinued. What do you got?

Physical dating. With all these goggles coming down,

like, people are just gonna stay in their rooms and --

Yeah, I've seen the "Black Mirror" episode.

I predict Teslas are gonna be discontinued.

Electric vehicles, I believe.

I predict the "Fast & Furious" franchise will be discontinued.

Vin Diesel, you gotta be tired, man. Come on.

Let's keep Lamborghinis. Let's keep Ferraris.

We do not want electric Lamborghinis.

Okay, do you like Elon Musk?

-Should have been discontinued. -Should have been.

Bitch? Oh, can somebody --

Can you guys please discontinue the truck backing up?

[laughs]

[reverse alert beeping]

Metered parking? Discontinued. We don't need it.

I predict that Crocs are gonna be discontinued.

It's a little bit of a selfish decision,

and also, it's best for humanity, too.

I've been trying to get people to say Crocs

this whole entire day. I'm so happy we've landed on that.

What do you guys think? What's gonna be discontinued

-in the future? -Man, OnlyFans, man.

-OnlyFans? -Yeah. Tell 'em, Matthew!

They gotta go back to the old school ways.

I'm old school. Like, I had to steal my daddy magazines.

Like, we need to go back to them days.

[laughter]

This looks good and smells good.

Can you tell us what your predictions are

for what will be discontinued in the future?

Definitely not this Egyptian street food.

[laughs]

Alright, as long as I can get a bite,

then I agree with you.

That's a wrap on "Discontinued."

I have been shocked by answers. I've agreed with some answers.

But most of all, I've seen what I needed to see.

Back to you, Bruce.

Ugh. I hate Crocs.

[Bruce] Thanks, Andrea.

Coming up, we dive deep on Disney's

failed attempt to invade the virtual world.

Do you know the "Tron" movie?

It felt like I went into "Tron."

[Bill] We are going on a wild ride!

[Bruce]When "Discontinued" continues.

I wanna talk about the American mall,

'cause frankly, I miss shopping under fluorescent lighting.

For decades, it was a way of life,

an economic and social hub.

But now, much like your present-day Gary Busey,

many malls are empty, eerie, and dead inside,

which brings us to Disney

and their mall-inspired decision in the '90s

to create a chain of indoor, interactive theme parks.

This was Disney Quest.

Let's dive into the magical quest

which had a not-so-magical exit.

Disney's known as the happiest place on earth.

But in the '90s, the theme parks of theme parks

decided they needed to be

the happiest place in virtual reality, too.

"We're not gonna go to Disney World, but --"

And I just remember being like, "Wow,

I have stepped into the future."

Sign me up!

[Andrea] Yes! Disney Quest,

the fully immersive, interactive theme park.

Really just a multi-story VR arcade.

An arcade on steroids.

[Andrea] A beefed-up video game arcade that would allow Disney

to take the House of Mouse anywhere in the entire world.

The first stop?

Downtown Disney in Florida in 1998.

[Andrea] Oh, right next door to Disney World.

Disney Quest was the original VR.

[Andrea] Not true.

The phenomenon of virtual reality video games

had been around for a while.

[Shain] VR at the time was just the most janky shit,

but as a kid, that was -- It was fire.

[Andrea] So Disney built the biggest, baddest windowless box

to host virtual worlds inside.

You walked in, and there was this, like, giant elevator.

-See you guys later. -Later!

Remember going up into that elevator and just being like,

"Aah," you know, just like, "Holy shit!"

Do you know the "Tron" movie?

It felt like I went into "Tron."

It was a virtual reality kind of world.

And then it would open.

And it was just -- It was jam-packed.

It was just like the most lit Chuck E. Cheese.

Chuck E., baby! Where the action is.

[Andrea] But instead of any of America's famous mice,

customers were greeted by a giant lava lamp.

[woman]Welcome to Venture Court.

This is the crossroads of Disney Quest.

[Cody] So, Disney Quest was broken into zones --

the Score Zone, Explore Zone,

Create Zone, and the Replay Zone.

That's where I'm going. Come on with me.

A lot of the rides were based on existing Disney rides.

[Cody] Some of the most notable attractions were

Cyberspace Mountain...

Here you can design your own roller coaster.

I designed a roller coaster with non-stop [bleep] flips.

-[Bill] You can do a loop! -[girl] Yeah!

And then they put it on a card.

[Bill] We are going on a wild ride!

And we swapped the card with my friend

who was scared of roller coasters.

[Bill chuckling, groaning]

Just voom, voom, voom, voom, voom.

[Bill cackles]

And he got off, and he legit puked all over the place.

I was a messed-up kid.

That is awesome!

[Andrea] From the boxy graphics to the bland color palettes,

Disney Quest had to be seen to be believed.

When I was a kid, I just like, "Yo,

you can ride the Aladdin ride and put on this helmet

and be in a whole new world?"

[Andrea] And that world got a little bigger

the following year, when Disney Quest spread

its virtual good times.

In 1999, they opened a second location in Chicago,

because the original plan for Disney Quest

was to open a bunch of locations regionally.

[Andrea]Disney CEO Michael Eisner

did his best to trick the country

into thinking Chicago was New York.

They say if you can make it in New York,

you can make it anywhere.

I'm not sure about that. I think if you can make it

in Chicago, you can make it anywhere.

[Andrea] Up next was Philly,

with plans to expand to Baltimore.

But as time marched forwards,

Disney Quest stayed firmly rooted in 1998.

It didn't give you anything.

You just stare at a screen, and the chair moves.

You're like, "This is such a good amusement park."

[Andrea]And after just two years,

Disney Quest in the Windy City blew away like a puff of smoke.

But at least the other locations

were still on the map, right?

The third location was scrapped in 2002

but not before they started breaking ground in Philadelphia

in a spot that was already a sinkhole

but that they had made worse.

Local Philadelphians know the spot as the Disney Hole.

[Andrea] And as every '90s raver can attest,

the only thing worse than the K-hole is the Disney Hole.

The original Florida location held out until 2017...

I went a couple times over the years,

but I went less and less,

because they never updated their graphics.

You could play a better game on your phone.

Why didn't they just update it?

Why didn't they just put in new stuff?

[Andrea] ...more as a museum than an attraction,

before Disney finally pulled the plug.

Rest in power, Disney Quest.

Excuse me while I go sob about its downfall.

Take me back. Whoa!

What a -- What a lame piece of shit.

Virtual reality, it turns out,

was not the happiest place on earth,

and it didn't even auto-update.

Every night, I nestle myself to sleep

while staring at my "Baywatch Nights" night-light.

And when I'm lonely, I pull out this baby.

This is a vintage 1991 Milton Bradley Dream Phone.

This game was made for preteen girls

who would use this hot pink plastic phone

to call up their imaginary crush,

which I imagine at this time would be Larry King.

So let me call my crush

while we explore this popular '90s game.

Rosie O'Donnell, here we come.

[phone dialing]

We had some good times, Rosie and me.

[line beeps] [woman, automated] We're sorry.

Your call cannot --

Ladies, we've come a long way.

We can vote, and we get paid almost as much as men.

But in the '90s, the Dream Phone

didn't even give you the right to choose...

Mike invented bath salts.

...your own crush.

-Hello, hunks! -[woman] It's Dream Phone,

the electronic game with the talking phone.

We didn't have a phone. What you talking about, Dream --

Oh! [laughs]

Oh, no!

Oh, my God.

I remember my oldest sister had one of these.

And I wanted it.

[Andrea] The call of destiny rang out in 1991,

and Dream Phone was ringing off the hook,

as girls across America answered the call.

-It's for you! -It's for you!

Basic premise of the game was a little bit of Clue.

[man] Clue. It's murder.

But you're really trying to find...

[girls] ♪ Who, who, who has got a crush on you? ♪

[Jordan] So you had a big list.

It had all the dreamboats' names.

So you dial the telephone. You get little hints.

-[man] He's not wearing a hat. -[girl] Bye, guys.

-Cross 'em out. -[man] He's not at the beach.

[girl] See you later.

And you would win when Dylan or the other love boats

would then say...

[Steve] I really like you.

-It's Steve! -[laughter]

[Andrea] This game for girls wasn't created by a girl.

It was created by Michael Gray

for the toy company Milton Bradley.

-Wow, okay. -Wow.

[Andrea] Riding off the success of his hit game...

[woman] It's Mall Madness!

[woman #2]Sale at the shoe store.

[woman] The new shop till you drop game that really talks.

[Andrea] Michael Gray designed a game that was...

Every '90 girl's dream consisted of two things --

talking to boys and talking on the phone.

That's great. That's girl power right there.

That's '90s version of girl power.

[Andrea]Michael Gray's stable of boys

weren't exactly '90s 10s.

You had to sort through a bunch of boy band rejects.

It's Dan! Dan's my man!

Dan's my man. I really liked that guy.

Bob is lucky he got on here.

Bob's father probably made the product

and was trying to get Bob outta the house.

[Andrea] Bob, Paul, Steve, it was a smorgasbord game of boys.

There's no nerds. These guys are all cool.

And, yeah, sure they look clean-cut,

but none of these guys have a job.

[Andrea]For a speed dial dating game,

some of the dudes were definitely not age-appropriate.

Bruce looked like he was 12.

Bruce is in the second grade.

How old is Scott?

His hairline is receding and everything.

Carlos looked like he was 40.

And Carlos been in prison for 10 years.

[Andrea] So romantic that Carlos was willing to spend

his one phone call from the slammer on you.

-[dial tone] -Y'all, I miss that sound.

-[gasps] -[Andrea] Did destiny ever...

[gasps] I'm so nervous.

[Andrea]...dial the right number?

-What up, Jamal? -[man] He likes most sports.

Uh, first of all, that was a little aggressive.

-[man] Hello. -Bruce?

[man] He likes most sports.

-What kinda sports? -Hey, Jason.

[man] He'll eat almost anything.

This is why me and men never worked.

[woman] Wrong number.

Oh, unh-unh!

[Andrea] It was dial delivery for adult hang-ups.

This is really bad for girls' self-esteem.

This is less a game and more a way to groom women

into doing all the calling and all the work.

[Andrea] Yep, that's fun with gender equality.

Exactly what you want for your tween daughter,

to talk to all these men on the telephone,

to finally find one who chose her.

Why is it my responsibility

to find out what guy has a crush on me?

Can't he just come and tell me himself?

[Andrea] It's no wonder that this game was...

-[beep] -How do you hang up?

[Andrea] ...discontinued.

If they rebooted this game for kids today,

they would have to put a mix of men, women, theys,

and also, this doesn't look like a phone.

Something else. This is not a -- Okay.

[Andrea]Batteries not included.

Is that a sexual innuendo?

Now I pick him.

So, ladies, set that phone to vibrate.

-You catch my drift. -[Bruce] Coming up...

Stick 'em up your nose, your ear,

-wherever you could stick 'em. -Hey, you want one of these?

[Bruce] ...the cool mints that were too hot to handle,

when "Discontinued" continues.

Let's venture back in time

to when something called Ice Breakers Liquid Ice

was thrust into our mouths.

I'd like to tell you that Liquid Ice lasted for decades.

But that would be a lie.

Let's see how it all melted away.

Thanks, Bruce.

In the early days of the new millennium,

the scourge of halitosis gripped the world.

[exhales, sniffs] Yeah, bad breath.

Little did we know that the cure would be worse than the disease.

In 2004, the gum and mint industry

was a $3.7 billion plus market.

-[woman] Just try Stripe. -[choir] ♪ Big Red ♪

[Andre] It was an endless parade of things to suck, chew...

[man] Gotta have Juicy Fruit.

[Andre] ...or to crunch.

To stand out in a saturated market,

Ice Breakers invented Liquid Ice.

[Andre] A mint so powerful

it not only freshened garbage-smelling breath...

...it defied the laws of physics.

-Ice Breakers. -The little mints.

And what they were were these little gel balls

that you would pop into your mouth.

-Ooh. -They were kinda like boba balls

that you would carry around in your pocket.

When you'd bite down, this cool, refreshing liquid

would come out of it.

-Oh! -Pow, pow, pow

all in your mouth.

It was just fantastic.

[Andre] They claimed to be two states of matter at once.

-I think it's ice. -I think it's liquid.

-[Jessica] They're a liquid? -[Ashlee] Yes.

-Ice? -Yes.

Is it liquid, or is it ice? It's both.

[Andre] And scaldingly hot.

And it just, like, kinda burns layer of your tongue off,

and you just become...

numb, for years.

[Andre] You'd pop one of those innocent looking beads

into your mouth with the expectation

of a gentle minty breeze.

What you got was the opposite of gentle.

If you are sick of your taste buds, may I recommend...

Hey, you want one of these? [hisses]

...something that will burn them off?

[man] Ice Breakers.

Ice Breaker Liquid Ice is like the first shot of tequila

as a kid. You gotta have a strong chest.

It's like chewing on a menthol cigarette.

I just got one question.

How good was your breath while you were burning?

[Andre] But once that menthol volcano erupted --

[Kate] Every 2000s teenager needed them.

Throw back 100 in their mouth.

Stick 'em up your nose, your ear.

Wherever you could stick 'em, they were there.

Ice Breakers are like the middle school equivalent

of, like, having a condom in your wallet.

You're just like, "I'm gonna get lucky."

You're just like, "I'm gonna pour

Ice Breakers all over my mouth,

'cause I'm about to have a really wet,

sloppy make-out session."

[Andre] Fortunately for taste buds everywhere,

they were discontinued a few years after launching

due to poor sales and --

I heard that it used to burn the mouths of people.

[Andre] We're not sure that actually happened.

Yeah, that's [bleep] dumb. Why -- Whose fault is that?

Well, there was probably some dumb-ass kid

who was popping like the entire pack into his mouth.

-Aah! -And he has to go and ruin it

-for everybody. -Whew.

We went from Ice Breakers to Tide Pods.

What are we doing?

Ice Breakers Liquid Ice taught us

that if you fly too close to the sun

in the search for minty freshness,

you might get burned, so just brush your teeth.

Let's recap.

We were entertained by Steve Urkel

who showed us that family matters.

We witnessed Disney failing to make Disney Quest

the second or even third happiest place on earth.

We dialed up the Dream Phone

trying to find out which crush liked us.

We got blasted by Ice Breakers Liquid Ice,

the coolest mint ever known to mankind.

While time may have cast these cultural phenomenons

into the realm of distance memory,

we've revived them for you to enjoy and treasure.

I'm Bruce Campbell signing off.

If anything happens to me, tell the world I was innocent

or just buy my books.

I'll leave you now with this upbeat thought.

The future is a fading flicker of hope

in the face of overwhelming darkness.

As long as this show doesn't get discontinued,

we'll see you next time on "Discontinued."

♪♪

♪♪

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