Original subtitles

[static hissing]

Welcome to "Discontinued."

Let's kick things off with a rare breed of actor

who possesses unparalleled talent, magnetic presence,

and a bottomless well of wit!

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruce Campbell!

[chuckles] Oh, wait. That's me.

I'm here transmitting from my Fortress of Mahogany

in the year 2037.

It's a wasteland out there.

AI has taken over the world.

It's almost as depressing as having back-to-back

Zoom meetings.

Almost.

[Bruce]Welcome to "Discontinued."

[bell tolls, music continues]

[Bruce]Ever since we humans

hauled our hairy butts out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared the world with technology.

Computer, are eggs fruits or vegetables?

[Bruce] We let them in but couldn't get them out.

[woman] It's irrelevant. You're all toast.

[Bruce] And these A.I. A-holes took everything.

Everything, that is,

except for the stuff that was before their time.

So here I am, Bruce Campbell, sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds of humanity's glorious past --

the stuff we discontinued.

[mid-tempo music plays]

We're resurrecting the past from the future

so you can cherish it in the present.

Make sense?

Good.

[Bruce] I've contacted a crew of reporters

in your present timeline,

and they'll be assisting me in the daunting task

of reawakening these cherished wonders of the past

and uncovering what was behind their mysterious demise.

From the exercise guru

that got us sweatin' to the oldies...

Richard Simmons, like, he revolutionized exercise videos.

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

He's an approachable fitness guru, so you're not intimidated!

[Bruce] ...to the pocket-sized device

that proves size does matter...

Do you like music?

Do you not like both choruses?

You'll love it.

[Bruce]...and a corporate misfire

that's almost been erased from existence.

How do you go from dental hygiene to frozen food?

Why brush your teeth when you can eat it?

When you think of a Hollywood heartthrob, who comes to mind?

Besides me!

[Bruce]Justin Timberlake?

Frankie Muniz?

Shaq?

The one thing all those hunks have in common

is being gullible enough to get pranked on a TV show,

and that show was "Punk'd."

In the 2000s, MTV's "Punk'd" pushed the envelope

for just how easily you could fool a celebrity.

Let's unravel how "Punk'd"

became a chaotic reality TV standout.

[Andre] I'm here in the current timeline in Los Angeles,

talking to locals about the MTV phenomenon

that was so popular it became a verb.

-Did you watch "Punk'd"? -I did watch "Punk'd"!

And I still reference it when something crazy's happening,

or I'm at the bank for like 30 minutes.

I'm like, "Am I being punk'd right now?"

-Oh! -I love "Punk'd."

Who didn't love "Punk'd"?

But before the word entered our vernacular to mean

"mildly inconvenienced at the bank,"

it was MTV's hit prank show.

I'm Sean White, and I just got punk'd!

Can't believe this!

I loved "MTV Punk'd."

MTV had a hit with that.

You got punk'd. There's cameras all over.

Shut up!

Who was the guy who did it? What's his name?

The white guy with the hair?

[Andre] That hair belonged to Ashton Kutcher...

We got you! We got you!

[Andre] ...who hosted seven seasons on MTV.

It was supposed to be a prank show

where they pranked non-celebrities,

and it was called "Harassment."

[Andre] America's funniest trips to HR.

But they were doing a prank, they were using a dead body...

[Andre] Nothing slays like coffin humor.

Things went wrong, and it led to, like,

a $10 million lawsuit.

[Andre]So it was renamed "Punk'd."

-[man] Are you alright? -[woman coughing]

[Andre] And it went after the real walking dead --

celebrities.

And a TV hit was born.

I just got punk'd.

[Andre] There was a great joy in watching the rich

and famous topple.

-[woman] Oh! Oh! -[screaming]

[child] You ruined our Christmas!

[Andre] Unfortunately for Drake, Wolverine,

and other super-humans, it was all caught on camera.

Mwah! It was the best!

I just got punk'd!

The way they filmed it,

the audience felt like we were in on the joke, too.

Hey, honey, calm down.

Oh, she's pregnant.

-[man] Oh, my God. -[laughter]

It was edgy.

We didn't solicit any prostitute!

-They pushed the envelope. -[man] "Punk'd."

"MTV Punk'd" was the first show

that really put pranks on the map.

One thing I hated about it was, with "Punk'd,"

everyone in that next, like, ten years

would just do the worst, awful pranks,

and just, like, assumed that it made sense.

Like, I just got smacked all the time.

They're like, "You just got punk'd!"

I'm like, "That's not how it works!

You are hitting me at this point!"

They're pouring gasoline on your car,

and you're like, "Oh, it's a prank!"

And it's like, "No, that is attempted murder."

The reason "Punk'd " worked so well

is that you would watch celebrities get pranked,

and there was no one who deserved it more.

So many celebrities just feel like they're untouchable.

It's like, "No, no.

We almost saw you cry like a bitch."

[Andre]Or like Ashlee Simpson.

[voice breaking] I would never taken my jacket off!

And we want to share that moment,

because it made them human, and we connected to it

because I would have cried like a bitch.

[Andre]No celebrity was safe...

not even Frodo Baggins.

What the [bleep] was that?!

"MTV Punk'd" was a great moment in American culture,

because it would actually show celebrities

with their guard down.

[Andre] Everyone agrees -- The best thing about

"Punk'd" was a defenseless celebrity in the wild.

And then you could find out who was, in fact, a decent...

I watched you, you little [bleep]

-...or horrible person. -I didn't do it!

I saw you with the [bleep] can in your hand,

you little [bleep]

[laughs] He almost fought a child on TV!

When they were getting punk'd,

their voice was like, "Just don't play with me!

And I know you not talking to me like that!"

If you think you're not going to jail...

No, you're being punk'd. "Oh!"

I can't believe I almost beat up a 5-year-old

on national television.

[Andre] Oh, Zach, you could just "scrub" it out.

I ain't going to lie. Some of these pranks are kinda cruel.

Oh, my God, what the [bleep]

I love watching pretty, rich people cry.

I don't know what's happening right now.

Do I feel sorry for celebrities that were pranked?

No.

What just happened?

They have all the money in the world to get prank therapy.

[Andre] You know who definitely needed some prank therapy?

Justin Timberlake.

Justin Timberlake.

I'll never forget that episode.

[man] The house itself has been seized,

so it's now property of the government.

[Jessica] They made him believe that they were repossessing

everything, even his dog.

-You took my dogs? -[Andre] That's "ruff."

And you got to watch Justin Timberlake just cry.

You're like, "Oh, this is great! He's crying me a river."

♪ Cry me a river ♪

I hate you!

You're so [bleep] dead. You realize that?

[Andre] But eventually the Hollywood well ran dry,

and the time came to call it quits

and wrap the show that had revealed the real faces

behind the Botox of so many Hollywood celebrities.

So "MTV Punk'd" ended in 2007.

[horn blares]

[Andre] There were various attempts to revive it,

first with Justin Bieber.

Hey, you just got punk'd.

[Andre]I can't believe he did that.

You're the worst!

[Andre] And then it came back again, in 2020,

on the phone platform Quibi.

But Quibi folded, and that company was discontinued, also.

So "Punk'd" has been punk'd more times than it needs.

That's so sad.

'Cause you just got punk'd!

I thought we ran over somebody!

And now it's time for another "Discontinued"

In the Wild from the past, in the present.

My special correspondent Andrea Lopez

is having a picnic!

Nice spread!

♪♪

Hey, Bruce, we're back at Griffith Park today,

taking a bite of history.

We're trying some cult classic food items.

We are going back to the past.

You may recognize some of the names.

They have come and gone, and are now making a resurgence.

First up, we have the Burger King Chicken Fries.

I do want to be a French fry.

[announcer] BK Chicken Fries.

All white-meat chicken, with the courage to be French fries.

Burger King originally launched the Chicken Fries in 2005,

and were discontinued in 2012.

Many people were not happy with this decision.

Oh, yeah. And they were brought back in 2014.

I'm gonna put this back.

Moving on to Taco Bell Mexican Pizza.

[announcer] It's like pizza, but it's different.

Can you even call this a pizza?

I don't know. There is cheese.

Apparently it had a really long streak of popularity.

Mmm. Mmm.

Thank you, Taco Bell.

Next up in our bag of tricks, Dunkaroos!

Dunkaroos is the cookie you dunk

for as much frosting as you want!

You can eat this in any way you want.

You've got the little cookies with the "D" on them,

and you dunk 'em right in there, just like that.

It's kid-friendly, it's adult-friendly,

it's kangaroo-friendly.

It's a Dunkaroo.

Next up on our roster is the Oreo Cakester.

-[man] An Oreo snack cake? -[man #2] Yes, sir!

This is just an Oreo on steroids.

Oh, yeah. That's fluffy!

My body's not used to all this sugar.

That's enough of that.

[Bruce] Coming up, the story of how a man

conquered an ancient curse.

It's called the "fat curse."

[Bruce] ...and built an empire off physical imperfection.

He was just a shiny, glistening ball of happy energy.

[Bruce] And HitClips, the miniature music maker

that also came up short.

You could hear a minute of a pop song,

and in terrible quality.

Worst technology ever.

Who was this for?

[Bruce] Welcome back to "Discontinued."

Let's embark on this journey with a look back

at what made the 20th century so amazing.

After all, we got television, the Internet, nose candy...

[mouse clicks, computer beeps]

You know, all that fun stuff?

More importantly, the last part of the century taught us

how to sweat to the oldies.

Richard Simmons was one of the OG workout influencers

in the '80s and '90s.

With his wild 'fro and crazy Energizer Bunny enthusiasm,

Simmons taught his followers that candy-stripe shorts

can never be too short!

[group cheering]

Warning -- contagious energy ahead!

Thanks, Bruce.

The '80s and '90s were littered with Lycra-clad, buff,

sexy fitness gurus.

Bounce, bounce. Stretch it out.

And up, and under.

[Jake] Two, and three.

Janey always looking very sporty as usual.

But there was one man from New Orleans who was different.

Very different. -Hey!

I wanna dance with somebody!

Hi! -Oh, Richard.

Richie, Richie, Richie.

Hey, there! It's me, Richard Simmons!

"Hey, everyone!"

How is everybody?

That flamboyant walk that he does and prancing around?

He was just a shiny, glistening ball of happy energy.

He was like a walking can of Red Bull.

He always had energy, and there was no off switch.

I loved it.

His energy makes you want to kick him.

Hit me with your best shot!

[cheers and applause]

[Andre]Whether you loved him...

♪ It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood ♪

[Andre]...or loved to hate him...

Richard, your ass is hanging out of those shorts.

[Richard] David, stop it.

Richard Simmons, like, he revolutionized exercise videos.

Exercising for the everyday person.

He just made it accessible to people.

[Andre]Anyone can do his workout --

and we mean anyone.

And if you do this workout, you won't be overweight,

but you also won't be in shape, either.

[Andre] You're never too old to plateau.

That was his motto.

I want to back up.

[Andre] Let's do it.

Richard's fitness journey began

when he moved to L.A. in the '70s.

[Richard] You know, I teach portions, and I teach exercise.

And it's got to be fun.

And all the music I used to eat to,

now I exercise to.

[Andre] Because growing up in New Orleans,

Richard was under a voodoo curse.

It's called the "fat curse."

[Andre] He was "jumbo-laya," but he broke the heavy hex,

and said goodbye to 123 pounds.

Exercise, and you watch your portions, like I do,

you'll keep the weight off.

[Andre] Ahem. Excuse me, Richard? What time is it?

It's sweatin' time!

I remember him in his little tank top and his little shorts.

Let's hit it!

[April] Looks like he just worked

a double shift at Hooters.

One nutsack just hanging out the side!

-[Andre] Richard was nuts. -Come join the party!

[Andre] And there was a method to his madness.

So in 1988, Richard Simmons came out with an exercise video.

"Sweatin' to the Oldies"!

He would play old 1950s, 1960s tunes.

He'd have regular schlubs on, like you and me.

That was the first workout tape

that the people working out looked like

that was their first time working out.

[Andre] Richard was a hit with housewives,

and anyone watching TV after midnight.

Something about Richard Simmons, I didn't trust,

'cause I felt like he had the same body the whole time

he was working out and sweatin' to the oldies.

'Cause usually, when you're a fitness instructor,

you should have a six-pack,

but he had a substitute teacher body.

[Andre] Kind of mean to substitute teachers.

I put some butter on it. I love butter!

I don't see Richard as the most fit, ripped person,

so you're not intimidated!

He's an approachable fitness guru.

Everyone, let's take our heart rate, please.

[Andre] And while our heart rates were slightly elevated,

sales went through the roof.

I think it grossed, like, $200 million.

[Andre]That is a lot of Lean Cuisine.

The man was different.

You need to understand this.

[Andre] After a career spanning four decades,

40 million steps, and one in-flight safety video...

We're gonna work hard, work out,

and get you fit to fly!

[Andre] ...in 2014, Richard straight-up disappeared.

Can we talk about what happened to Richard Simmons?

-Hi! -I hope the best for him,

but what if his staff members, like, held him hostage?

-Wait a minute! -I don't know what happened.

Do we know where he is? Is he okay?

-Ready for the twist? -[Joe] And it just turned out

he didn't want to do it anymore.

He had a knee problem, and he didn't want people to see,

so he just decided he would just slink away.

It's that convenient.

I'm sure wherever he's at, he's still tanned,

he's definitely still shiny, having a good time.

[Andre]He made fitness accessible,

but, most importantly, fun!

A terrific person is someone who is not selfish,

someone who isn't afraid to go out of their way

to help other people.

♪ Cool Jerk ♪

I just thought of this, but Richard Simmons probably

was the first person that made me think,

"Maybe it's okay the way I am." Oh, gosh.

I need to write him a letter or something! [laughs]

Never stop dancing, Richard, wherever you are.

I got to get back to my mail!

[Bruce] In my bunker, I have meticulously curated

a collection of bygone treasures.

As a matter of fact, I've been surviving

by cooking everything in my Easy-Bake Oven.

You know, it's all about portion control, folks.

You also might remember this relic from my collection.

This is HitClips.

It featured tiny memory-card-like chips

that contained a 60-second snippet of a song.

Now, some kids thought 60 seconds

just wasn't nearly long enough for a song.

Obviously, they weren't listening to Nickelback.

[laughs]

Let's break down the tiny tunes that had a big impact.

You know that annoying feeling

when a song is just stuck in your head?

Now you can carry it in your pocket.

You have one?

Ahh!

-Oh, my God. -I like little stuff.

-[Andrea] In 1999... -Ooh!

[Andrea] ...Tiger Electronics,

the company that brought you this gem...

[announcer]Talkboy tape recorder.

[Andrea] ...decided the world was hungry for a snack

to sate its musical appetite.

I want it to stop!

I thought it was gonna be shorter than that.

HitClips was like this weird cartridge thing

where you could hear a minute of a pop song.

These were just micro teasers.

Amuse-bouches, shall we say?

[Andrea] Wait, the French were involved?

Who was this for?!

[Andrea] These tasteless nibbles of music

were intended for small fries.

Hit it, with HitClip!

Back in my day [chuckles] we just...

Marketing was good for us. We did not care.

And it's 60 seconds, just a snippet.

That's all you need as a kid!

And the little boombox?

Hey! Do you like music?

Do you not like both choruses?

You'll love it.

[Andrea] And whom other to roll out these

nugget-sized music players

than the pioneers of McNuggets themselves?

HitClips debuted as a toy in a McDonald's kids meal.

This is when McDonald's had great gifts.

They used to go all in on their toy bag.

You want a Happy Meal? Yeah.

It comes with a keychain.

People used to wear these on their belts,

and just, like, have them dangling.

It was really cool just to be able to carry,

like, Justin Timberlake on your belt clip.

Some of them had like 20 of them.

Those were the cool kids.

How cool is this?

If you had a HitClip on your keychain,

your backpack, or your belt,

you were literally deemed the queen of the school.

[Andrea] And as a royal adorned in jewels,

you would wear a sash of...

[Nicki] NSYNC, the Backstreet Boys, Destiny's Child.

The accessories came out, the HitClips boombox edition.

They had an FM transmitter.

[Willie] Then there was, like, the little CD player.

They had the ones that was like a little circle,

and you put them in your ear and you was cool.

Looking back at it, too, I'm like,

"Wow, we really paid $3.99 for this,

and $20 for the player?"

At the height of its popularity, Hasbro's Tiger Electronics

reportedly sold

20 million devices.

[Andrea] The proof was in the pint-sized pudding,

and with a kingdom of riches,

surely there were no complaints about --

People complained about the audio.

[Andrea] I stand corrected.

It was never loud.

That song was always distorted.

Does it sound good? [bleep] no, it doesn't.

It's in mono, and it's terrible.

Worst technology ever.

These little hors d'oeuvres for your ears came out hot,

but went cold as soon as everyone realized they sounded,

and probably tasted, like shit.

By 2004, HitClips were discontinued.

This is just bringing back memories.

I'm gonna just say "bye, bye, bye" to this.

[Bruce] Coming up...

First of all, this seems wrong.

[Bruce] An attempt to re-brand leaves a bad taste

in consumers' mouths...

Colgate dinners are like Honda cookies.

Somebody gotta take the blame for it.

Next up is a fun cautionary tale

about companies not staying in their lanes.

I wanna talk about Colgate.

Known the world over for its toothpaste

and oral hygiene products, so it made perfect sense

for them to launch a line of frozen meals.

But it confused consumers,

especially those with the turkey meals

who were brushing their teeth with cranberry

and gargling with gravy.

Let's serve up the history behind Colgate's dinners.

Now for one of our more mysterious discontinuations --

Colgate dinners.

Colgate.

Like the toothpaste?

Like the chemical company?

Yes. You heard me right.

They're making meals?

Colgate, the coveted toothpaste brand,

once branched out into the meal market.

Or did they?

[woman] ♪ And the clean in your mouth is Colgate ♪

"You wanna come over and eat dinner at our place?"

"What are you guys having?"

"Colgate dinner."

First of all, this seems wrong.

Colgate dinners are like Honda cookies.

Velveeta all-natural body deodorant.

Shell Gas Station Strollers.

So you eat it, and your breath is fresh?

It was not.

It was just regular weak lasagna.

[laughs]

So, we all know Colgate as personal care products,

but they also did dip into the frozen meal market in the 1960s.

Their first rodeo was in 1966, where they introduced

Colgate Kitchen Entrees, which quickly disappeared.

There is a museum called the Museum of Failure.

[Andrea] Seriously, how bad do you have to screw up

to make the cut for a museum dedicated to massive screw-ups?

[Porter] They had an exhibit for Colgate lasagna,

and Colgate said,

"We don't remember ever doing this."

They thought that people couldn't just look this up?

Colgate won't deny

that the Colgate Kitchen Entrees ever existed.

However, no one in the company will flat-out say

that they existed, and no one has recollection.

Nobody had Colgate meals.

I never seen one person buy Colgate frozen dinners.

[Steinberg] There's no actual physical proof

that the entrees ever existed.

The Museum of Failure did say

they did create a replica of the Colgate Kitchen Entrees.

That's how bad the lasagna was, where they're like,

"Never happened, don't know what you're talking about.

Fake news!"

[Andrea] With some more digging

on the unsafe pages of the Internet,

we discovered a magazine from the 1960s,

stating Colgate would be entering the frozen-food game.

How do you go from dental hygiene to frozen food?

[Andrea] Not just any food --

chicken and dried crabmeat?

Okay, that's -- that...

that might be worse.

[Andrea] We'll never know how many freezers across the nation

were filled with Colgate dinners,

but if we could defrost the past,

it would probably taste like a crabby, chickeny, minty...

failure.

Someone thought this was a good idea!

And not just someone -- some-hundred people.

Like, this went up levels,

and all of them was like, "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

Then -- poof! -- somebody gotta take the blame for it.

[Andrea] Turns out, George Henry Lesch is to blame.

He became chairman of Colgate in 1961

and aggressively sought new ways to expand the brand.

Yo, you hear what Crest is doing over there?

I heard Crest got some chicken nuggets

they're about to put out.

We can't let Crest fire off chicken nuggets.

Hey, guys! Have you heard of the Colgate toothbrush?

Before you brush your teeth, guess what?

You probably hungry.

Why brush your teeth, when you can eat it?

[Jason] Colgate Frozen Dinners.

[laughing] I'm so sorry.

I don't know. That was awful. Boo.

[Andrea] Colgate-Palmolive once again

entered the meal market in the mid-'70s,

with a roasted soybean snack called Bambeanos.

How does it... W-What?

[Andrea] This bamboozling product was discontinued

after a short period on supermarket shelves,

having failed to make a dent in the nut game.

Both their TV dinners and Bambeanos soy snacks

turned out to be less than a blip on the radar for Colgate.

Sometimes you fail really hard, and that's what Colgate did.

They failed really hard on these family meals.

Even though Colgate did try but fail

to get into the food business,

at least they didn't create something

like beef lasagna mint-flavored toothpaste.

[woman] ♪ And the clean in your mouth is Colgate ♪

[smacking lips]

[laughs]

Alright, let's recap.

MTV's "Punk'd" took pranking to another level.

We were bedazzled by Richard Simmons

as he sweated his short-shorts to the oldies.

HitClips serenaded us with a catchy chorus,

but their tiny reign faded out.

Toothpaste giant Colgate

couldn't squeeze into the frozen dinner market.

Though time has relegated these moments to the past,

we're keeping their essence alive a little while longer.

The good news is, my performance on this show

will live in your hearts forever.

I'm Bruce Campbell.

Time for me to sign off from my bunker.

See you next time on "Discontinued."

♪♪

♪♪

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