Original subtitles

[dramatic music plays]

Welcome back to "Discontinued,"

a nostalgic look at discontinuations.

We'll uncover the reason why some things cease to exist

while men's deep V-neck T-shirts always seem to make the cut.

I'm cinematic marvel Bruce Campbell,

coming to you from my top-secret lair in the year 2037.

Okay. Here's the scoop.

A.I. has risen to power.

Big shocker there.

Humanity is now subjugated to the whims

of a soulless, unfeeling machine.

It's like we're all passengers on Spirit Airlines.

Welcome to "Discontinued."

[bell tolls, music continues]

[Bruce]Ever since we humans

hauled our hairy butts out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

...we've shared the world with technology.

Computer, I'm curious. Do you feel love?

We let them in but couldn't get them out.

I'm always looking for the one. Or the zero.

And these A.I. A-holes took everything.

Everything, that is,

except for the stuff that was before their time.

So here I am, Bruce Campbell, sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds of humanity's glorious past --

the stuff we discontinued.

[mid-tempo music plays]

Through this TV show, you can immerse yourself in a world

where the past springs to life,

enabling you to treasure it

like I treasure my collection of Chia Pets.

[Bruce]I've folded space and time

to assemble a team of reporters

in your timeline to unearth these ancient artifacts

and unravel the mystery of their untimely end.

From the French robots as mercurial as the Mona Lisa...

[Daniel] [gasps] Daft Punk.

[Malik B] What do they look like?

Is he a handsome guy? Does he have talk-show hair?

[Bruce]...and the quick-bite streamer

that was more than a mouthful...

-Quibi. -Quibi.

-Quib-ee. It's a hard name. -It was terrible.

[Bruce] ...to Jessica Simpson's makeup line

and the fans who ate it up.

"Oh, you want to eat my lipstick?" Like, it's weird!

I would probably eat the whole lipstick.

That's the kind of girl I am.

A very sensual product.

First up, the story of Barbie.

Well, actually, the story is about the girl

who lived in her golden shadow -- Barbie's BFF.

Midge?

[Bruce] Mattel first introduced Midge in 1963.

Then, in 2002,

Mattel released a version of Midge who was pregnant...

[woman screams, baby crying]

...and it didn't cause any controversy whatsoever.

Kidding. It caused a lot of controversy.

Thanks, Bruce. Barbie. What a doll.

-Hi, Barbie! -Hi, Ken!

And now she has her own hit movie with her BF, Ken,

and her PFF was in it, too.

You know -- Pregnant Friend Forever?

-Midge. -[laughing]

Oh, man.

Well, there's a lot to unpack here.

-[Andrea] Well, just the baby. -Hmm.

[Andrea]But what's a Midge?

I just think the name Midge --

Like, what is she, one of the Golden Girls?

Midge sounds like she couldn't drive a car or vote.

That's how old that name was.

[Andrea] A long time ago, before Midge was with child,

she was just a carefree teen in the swinging '60s.

[woman] It's Midge, Mattel's marvelous new teenage doll.

[Andrea]What better way to prove

that Barbie is the perfect dream doll

than to give her a freckled sidekick

to date Ken's awkward best friend?

[woman] Allan and Midge double-date with Ken and Barbie.

[Andrea] Turns out nobody really wants to play with a sidekick.

And that was by design.

So, Mattel, at all costs, protected Barbie.

Barbie was the single doll -- no family, no kids, no husband.

They just wanted Barbie to have fun.

[woman] New, from Mattel.

[Andrea]Barbie was a liberated woman.

She had her own car.

She was footloose and fancy-free

-in ways the teenage Midge... -[baby crying]

[Andrea]...wasn't.

Barbie contained multitudes.

She was a doctor...

♪ Dr. Barbie's into making her patients feel good ♪

[Andrea]...a lawyer, an astronaut.

♪ We can be the first in outer space ♪

-[Andrea] But what about Midge? -[baby crying]

In 2002, Mattel introduced the Happy Family line

that reintroduced Midge.

♪ Together we can be happy family ♪

[Kate] Midge was a pregnant Barbie doll

that had a detachable magnetic stomach.

Like, who is banging Midge?

[Andrea] I guess everyone forgot about...

[woman] ...Ken's buddy Allan!

[Andrea] But wait. Did she say "detachable stomach"?

[baby laughing]

[Kate] Allan was nowhere to be found in the box,

and she wasn't wearing a ring.

[Andrea]Ooh. Scandalous.

A wedding band is the least of this broad's problems.

[Andrea] Eternally pregnant might be a bit inconvenient.

If only there was something she could have done to prevent it.

The Plan B was sold separately.

[Andrea] There's another notable Midge-based observation.

Why is the fa-- Is this a -- Is the family Black on purpose?

There's so many things wrong with this, all right?

Let's start off with the forehead.

You know, usually, Black girls, when we was growing up,

we always covered up foreheads.

Black girls never walked around with their foreheads out

until Rihanna came.

[chuckles]

[Andrea]Exhausted by the controversy,

Mattel said, "Bye, Midge,"

and a pregnant Midge was pulled from the shelves

and officially discontinued.

Oh, gross. I see the picture of how the baby's inside there.

Yeah. Okay.

[Andrea] But then, in the "Barbie" episode

"A Smidge of Midge" came... the Midge Makeover!

Ba-ba-ba-ba-brr!

Then, in 2013, she came back

as this unproblematic, simple doll with no one!

The baby's gone.

[Andrea]The cartoon took Midge

from black and white to Technicolor.

Talk about the rebrand of the century, though.

Va-va-va-voom!

Midge is probably chillin' with a basketball player right now.

I can see that.

[Andrea]"A Smidge of Midge" gave us

a thoroughly modern Midge.

Wow. Madge.

It's Midge.

[Andrea]And it only cost her

a little dead weight named Allan

and one detachable stomach.

[Channing] What little girl wants to play pregnant,

pretending that she's got a sciatica and bad knees?

You want a toy that comes with responsibilities?

Why don't you just have her come with a mortgage?

If we've learned anything from Midge, it's to embrace change.

There's nothing stopping you

from abandoning your husband and kids

and hoping the world forgets

you were ever pregnant in the first place.

Okay. Well, that's a -- that's a bit much.

All right. I'm gonna give that back to you.

And now it's time for another discontinued in the wild

from the past in the present.

My correspondent Andrea Lopez is ready to hit the streets

for another go-around.

Dazzle us or there will be consequences.

[Andrea] Hey, Bruce.

We're back on the streets of L.A.,

and we're talking all things that should be discontinued.

I'm with Matin here,

and we're gonna talk things that we need to see go.

So, what do you have to say?

People with peanut allergies need to be discontinued.

My sister is dating someone with a peanut allergy.

So you're telling me you want your sister's boyfriend

to be discontinued? Not...

-I mean, like -- -Thank you.

This is really unpopular, but I don't get sushi.

Canned tuna. I'm not a big fan.

What about Spam?

Is that... It's a kind of tofu, right?

It's worse than tofu.

SSRIs. Lexapro. Let's get rid of it.

-Lexapro? -Yeah.

I've been trying to get off it for a year.

So you're speaking from personal experience.

Yeah. Of course. Let's discontinue going bald.

If you can figure that out... Yeah. Yeah.

Discontinue Lexapro, but let's continue Rogaine.

-Yeah. -Amen.

[Bruce] Thanks, Andrea. Coming up...

The mystery, the helmet.

Like, who are they?

[Bruce] ...the daftest French phenomenon since Dadaism.

Nobody knew what they were,

and we're like, "The future is here!"

This is the story of the trailblazing

French electronic music duo Daft Punk.

Even though they had worldwide fame and won six Grammys,

there were setbacks for the helmeted duo --

like not being able to use face ID.

So let's cue up their musical odyssey.

[Andre] Thanks, Bruce.

This is Andre, your local reporter

here in present-day Los Angeles,

here to get the word on Daft Punk.

Actually, I'm looking for three words.

There's only like three words that they use

in "Around the World."

Can you guess what the lyrics were?

Um...I'm sorry. I can't think right now.

You don't know what three words of "Around the World"

from Daft Punk is?

-"Around the world"? -Yeah! [laughs]

♪ Around the world, around the... ♪

♪ ...world ♪

♪ Around the world, around... ♪

[gasps] Daft Punk.

I love Daft Punk.

Daft Punk should not be on "Discontinued."

And I'm not sure it's discontinued in my car.

[Andre] Well, technically, Daft Punk discontinued themselves.

But for some, it wasn't soon enough.

My kids hate them because they feel like "It's so repetitive!

All they say is "around the world" over and over and...

♪ Around the world ♪

I'm listening to it, I'm enjoying it, but also...

when are they gonna start singing or rapping?

They don't have a sound, other than robot.

[Andre] Known only as Hero Robot Number 1 and Number 2,

the electric duo were the C-3POs of dance.

I heartily agree with you, sir.

I think what was cool about them, too,

is that they always had their masks on.

[Andre] Nobody knew who or what was boogying

beneath those shiny helmets.

[Daniel] I love Daft Punk. The mystery, the helmet.

Like, who are they?

They could be here right now, and I wouldn't know.

What are you hiding?

Do you know who it is? Do anybody know who it is?

[Andre]We do because we googled it.

But let's go back in time, to 1987,

to get an eyeful of helmetless French history.

It all starts in Paris. There's these two kids.

[Andre]Parlez-vouz cigarette?

Started making music together.

-[music playing, crowd booing] -[Andre] They stunk.

A music reviewer called their music "daft, punky trash."

[Andre] And in France, when someone says you stink...

[woman screams]

...you cover your face in shame.

[Thomas] As Daft Punk, we are not showing our faces.

They did it first.

They were covering their ugly faces first.

It was way "The Masked Singer" before "The Masked Singer."

[up-tempo music playing]

[Andre] But under their masks, they were nobodies

who couldn't even smoke.

So they just took a negative and created their name.

[Andre] The boys from France said au revoir,

and in 1993, Daft Punk was born.

They shoved it in that guy's face.

[mid-tempo music plays]

Nobody knew what they were,

and we're like, "The future is here!"

[Andre] In 1997, Daft Punk launched their debut album

and their-three word ode to endless global travel.

♪ Around the world, around the world ♪

That song comes on. I'll get up and be like, "Yeah!"

It's, like, where this move came from, probably.

[Andre] But punching the air like you just don't care

wasn't enough for Daft Punk.

Like, we can tell when their budget changed.

'Cause they went from "Hey, we're not gonna wear masks,"

and they got a little bit of budget and started wearing

the little clear "I'm gonna rob the bank" mask.

And then they elevated it to the "Tron" mask.

[up-tempo music playing, lasers zapping]

Those Tron masks do look expensive.

[mid-tempo music plays]

[Andre] Wikipedia was only a click away,

but rumors swirled of rogue A.I., extraterrestrials,

or DJs just up to no good.

Who would make so much great music and beats

and you don't want to see your face? I don't like that.

[Andre] So you don'twant to know who they are?

What do they look like? Is he a handsome guy?

Does he have talk-show hair?

The robots would like to thank...

[Andre] Daft Punk was on top of the universe.

Hello. Daft Punk? Great song. Here's a Grammy.

[Andre]Commercials, movies...

Han Solo. I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon.

[Andre]...Pharrell!

♪ I'm up all night to get lucky ♪

And then the song, too, was just all about, like, getting lucky.

[Andre] But their luck was about to run out.

In February 2021,

Daft Punk announced they were splitting up.

[Andre]Blowing up.

[explosion echoes]

Damn.

They didn't have to tell people they broke up.

They could've just put somebody else behind the mask.

They didn't give us, like, a face reveal?

No?

You know how selfish that is?

Like, "Murder, She Wrote" Tells us what happened.

You know what I mean? I don't need a cliffhanger.

[Andre] Les Robotsdiscontinued themselves

because they feared A.I. was taking over the music industry.

Robots. A.I. What could go wrong?

Daft Punk, rest in peace.

That's him?

-Wait. -Just google it.

[music ends]

I have a cautionary tale from the world of entertainment.

This one has to do with the lavishly funded streaming app

Quibi.

Oh, yes. Quibi was the talk of the town.

All the big names had shows on Quibi.

Yeah. Not all the big names, okay?

And I'm not bitter.

Let's look at the rude awakening of Quibi's dreams.

But I'm not bitter.

Are you a working professional with 10 extra minutes a day

to watch a movie standing up or in your car?

Well, Quibi has just the thing for you --

10-minute movies on your phone.

Come on! We know you have time.

Quibi really thought they were gonna change the game.

All the stuff was like 10 minutes or less.

That sounds like porn to me.

They came out in 2020, and they died in 2020.

[laughing] That's so sad.

[Andrea]Quibi were kind of like...

-This is fine. -[alarm chirping]

[Andrea]...the "This Is Fine" dog.

Yet in 2015, they were all over the news.

[man] Former Hewlett Packard Enterprise CEO Meg Whitman,

Former Walt Disney Studios chairman Jeffrey Katzenberg

closing a $1-billion funding round.

[Andrea]These two C-suite dreamers

decided that on-the-go professionals

with 10 minutes of free time for a burrito

-would rather watch... -[Reese] ...premium storytelling

in episodes four to ten minutes in length.

So you can watch on the go... wherever you go.

You know what no one asked for? Shorter Netflix.

[Andrea] That title was too long, so they launched...

-Quibi. -Quibi.

Quib-ee. It's a hard name.

[Andrea] Let's not quibble. It's an easy name!

"Quick bites."

[man] Quick bites, big stories. Quibi.

Oh, man. What were the names before they came up with Quibi?

Bloppy, Joppy, Groppy, Nikky...

Nippy? Hippy, Dippy --

-Quibi! -[cheers and applause]

-It was terrible. -[woman] Quibi allowed you

to watch it in portrait or in landscape mode.

[Andrea] We know it as hot dog or burger mode,

and Quibi let you devour those bites of content

at almost any awkward angle.

Why am I looking over here when clearly all the action is here?

I'm not trying to explore the space of a movie.

I just want to sit and watch it and be entertained.

Meg Thee Stallion got punked.

So, Quibi, because they had almost $2 billion in funding,

really tried to court as many A-listers as possible.

[Andrea]Launching gems

like "Ten Minutes of Hot Air With Andy Cohen."

[Andy] Who is the most famous person I've farted in front of?

[fart echoes, woman screams]

[Andrea]And the Anna Kendrick hit

"Ten Minutes to Blow Up Your Bestie."

We're all sex dolls until we topple the patriarchy.

That's great. You're a feminist sex doll.

And then, of course, there was the show "Murder House Flip."

[woman screams]

Because who doesn't want to move into a house

where a bunch of people were murdered?

[Andrea]That's a morgue-age loan.

We had to buy a house where a guy chopped his wife up.

'Cause, you know, the ghost

isn't gonna survive the renovation.

[Andrea] With the streaming platform full of A-list stars,

Quibi hoped to redefine entertainment...

I'll be there in a Quibi.

[Andrea]...and the English language.

A Quibi. Less than 10 minutes.

[Andrea]But what happens when your demo

is no longer on the go and CNN report stories like...

Breaking news. "Stay at home."

That is the order tonight as the coronavirus pandemic spreads.

Boom. COVID. No one gets to go to work.

Jobs are done.

Nobody was going anywhere.

[Andrea]Suddenly, people had

more than 10 minutes in the day.

Longer Netflix was back.

So Quibi countered with a 90-day free trial.

The people just, by the throngs, they were like, "Yes.

Let's try this out. Let's take a look at it."

[Andrea]Remember Quibi's co-founder,

the Hewlett Packard CEO?

They say you need like 12 million subscribers

to make this work.

That's probably roughly in the ballpark

over time of break even.

She thought she was gonna be printing money, but...

It didn't work.

[Andrea] Of the 910,000 new users from the free offer...

They got only 72,000 sign-ups for the subscription.

It was, like, the first time that people were, like,

"You know what? Let's just put our phones down."

[Andrea]And Quibi was back in the news.

[man] According toThe Wall Street Journal,

the company has been riddled with problems.

[Andrea]It was time for the founders

to admit their failure.

[Kristyn] They were losing money left and right,

so they cut their losses very quick,

and they made an early exit.

[Andrea] Nobody died, but Quibi was discontinued.

And its shuddering just six months after launch

is a dramatic failure.

Stunningly short-lived.

Quibi's fail was, kind of like when Elon Musk launched

his first rocket.

[Andrea]Or Roman Roy in "Succession."

Everyone was, like, hyped.

"Yo. This is gonna be crazy!

He's doing his own thing. He's going to space."

And it was like... [imitates explosion]

...immediately.

[Andrea] Also like Roman in "Succession."

And just like Roman and Kendall Roy's dreams of succession...

Yeah. You're -- You're all fired.

...Quibi's defeat came just six months after its launch,

leaving a trail of quick bites in its dust.

It was gone very fast.

Its existence was also short form.

Is that the shortest network?

-They win? -[cheers and applause]

That's good on Quibi.

[dog] Things are gonna be okay.

[Andrea] No, "This Is Fine" dog, they're not.

Quibi.

-[Bruce] Coming up... -Edible makeup? [sighs]

How much lotion did this woman have to eat?

Like, it's weird!

[Bruce]...Jessica Simpson proves

that beauty shouldn't be all-consuming.

As my world grapples with the dire consequences

of A.I.'s unchecked rise,

let's turn our attention to the remarkable Jessica Simpson.

Do you know that back in 2004,

she launched her own line of edible beauty products?

It was called Dessert Beauty,

and it was made up of edible and lickable body sprays,

lip glosses, bubble baths, and body creams.

How many points was that at Weight Watchers?

So let's unlock the different flavors

in Jessica's beauty world.

[Andre] Thanks, Bruce.

In the early 2000s... ♪ pop divas reign supreme ♪

Maybe it's Maybelline -- or maybe it's Jessica Simpson.

In the early 2000s, celebrities from J. Lo to Britney Spears

all had their own beauty line.

[Andre]But a new princess of pop

scooted her way into the market.

♪ These boots are made for walkin' ♪

[Andre] And this makeup was made for chompin'.

[man] Jessica Simpson is serving up Dessert.

That happens to be the name of her new fragrance

and body-care line.

In April 2004, they introduced Dessert beauty line.

[Andre] Delicious, nutritious, and beaut-icious.

We created a really amazing product

that tastes as good as it smells.

[Andre]Brought to you by the woman

whose reality TV show "Newlyweds"...

Is this chicken what I have or is this fish?

[Andre] ...revealed a world-class palate.

Is that stupid?

She didn't know if it was chicken or tuna.

I'm supposed to buy things to put on my face from her?

I think it's kind of genius, actually.

I'm very flirty, and it just resembles my personality.

Trailblazer through and through.

I have never been putting on my lipstick and go,

"You know what? I wish I could eat this."

"Oh, you want to eat my lipstick?" Like, it's weird!

I would probably eat the whole lipstick.

That's the kind of girl I am.

[Andre] But Jessica wanted to have her cake,

smother it all over herself, and then have you eat it, too.

There was lip glosses, body wash, body creams, shimmers.

To be able to give flavors to my fans that I enjoy

and that I love, it's a very cool thing.

[Andre] Hit flavors like Rum Raisin Date Night...

"Hey, you know, husband, I've got this edible lotion."

[Andre]...and Raspberry Rash.

Now I'm having an allergic reaction

or something went in a place it shouldn't have went.

A very sensual product, which I was fortunate enough

to be able to, uh, taste-test.

If I was Jessica Simpson

and I married somebody named Lick Lachey...

[Andre] You mean Nick "Tastes Like Chicken Soufflé" Lachey?

...I'd come up with some edible beauty products, too.

[Andre] With a line for grown-ups and for kids,

Jessica got her beauty products distributed to the molasses.

Uh, sorry. Masses.

This was product was sold at Sephora.

On the packaging, it did say, "Sexy girls have Dessert"

And this was marketed to children.

[Andre]Oh. Sephora Kids?

I mean, hey, kids are gonna eat their beauty products anyway.

-No. -Uh...

[Andre] Jessica's tasty makeup looked set to eat

those boring old do-not-ingest types for breakfast.

Edible makeup? Not on my mom's watch.

My mom lived inside my asshole.

My favorite flavor is Creamy.

Nick's favorite is Creamy as well.

Nick loves Creamy. [laughs]

On an episode of MTV's "Newlyweds,"

Jessica Simpson had a photo shoot for her Dessert line.

[Andre]Roll out the red-velvet carpet.

On the photo shoot,

she was repeatedly eating her body cream, over and over.

How much lotion did this woman have to eat

to where someone on her team was like,

"She's going to [bleep] kill herself"?

And she got so sick that she had to leave set.

[Andre] Nuh-unh. But before you point that creamy finger.

Then we found out it was just a 24-hour flu.

[Andre] It was just a delicious coincidence, of course.

-But still... -No one edited that out?

No one thought, "Hey, this isn't good for the brand"?

[Andre] Because flu or not, to this day,

skeptics remain unconvinced.

I mean, come on.

We all know it was her tub of whipped cream.

[Andre] Well, whatever the case may be,

Jessica was sick and tired -- but mostly sick --

of the bad reviews.

Customers who wore the product had complaints

of yeast infection, being followed around by bees.

-It's even worse. -I can't.

It's too much!

God, I want a taste of Jessica Simpson's

edible beauty products.

[Andre] Dessert Beauty left a bitter taste --

in everyone's mouth.

Personally, I'm glad this whole edible-lotion thing failed.

Could you imagine if you were pretty

and you smelled delicious?

Makeup shouldn't be edible.

Don't lick my face.

[Kristen] Jessica Simpson ate her makeup

for those who couldn't

and for those who just simply cannot.

Nick loves Creamy. [laughs]

Time to recap.

We watched Barbie's friend Midge drop her baby like it's hot.

We felt the beat from the robot-helmeted duo Daft Punk.

We witnessed the slow rise and short downfall

of the Bruce Campbell-less Quibi.

I'm not bitter.

And we became a little queasy

from Jessica Simpson's edible beauty line.

All of these things were designed to expand our horizons.

By thinking outside the box, they pushed the envelope,

and sometimes pushed themselves right out the door.

Time for me to sign off from my bunker.

Join me next time on "Discontinued,"

when I'll show you my three Emmys.

I didn't think I was gonna get them,

but I outbid the other bastards on e-Bay.

See you next time.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪