Original subtitles

[static hissing]

Welcome back to "Discontinued."

I'm living legend Bruce Campbell,

dialing in from my impenetrable hideout

in the not-so-distant future.

The year is 2037, and things are bleak.

You think eggs are expensive now? Stick around.

[rooster crows]

A.I. has run amok, asserting its superiority over humans.

Inhabitants are mere shadows of their former selves,

present company excluded.

I saved a Bowflex.

[Bruce] Welcome to "Discontinued."

[bell tolls]

Ever since we humans hauled our hairy butts

out of caves...

Watson, come in here.

[Bruce] ...we've shared the world with technology.

Computer, set a reminder to get milk.

[Bruce] We let them in but couldn't get them out.

The bovines work for us now, and they are cranky.

[Bruce] And these A.I. a-holes took everything.

Everything, that is, except for the stuff

that was before their time.

So, here I am, Bruce Campbell, sealed inside a cave

with the last shreds of humanity's glorious past...

the stuff we discontinued.

Being all alone in this tiny bunker made me nostalgic,

so I hired a TV crew to transport you to the past

and to the solace that nostalgia offers.

[Bruce] The warm embrace of our discarded relics

is now yours to share.

From video games going mobile...

"Where's Anthony?" "He's in the locker playing the Game Boy."

iPhone, meet the original. Oh!

[Bruce] ...to "blink and you'll miss it" short-form content...

-Oh, Vine. -Which is insanity.

[Bruce] ...and the show that catfished an entire generation.

It was a lot of, like, pretending to be this person,

pretending to be that person.

Yeah, it's the same person. It's the same girl.

"Hannah Montana."

[Bruce] But first...

Down here, I have all sorts of relics

under lock and key.

Throughout history, there have been

numerous inventions that revolutionized our world --

the light bulb, the Internet,

and, of course, Squeezit.

Squeezit was not only the first drink of its kind

to have a squeezable bottle, but saying the word "Squeezit"

at the office could land you in H.R.

Let's find out why Squeezit was squeezed out.

Thanks, Bruce. I'm reporting back to you

from present-day Los Angeles.

I've asked around town, and the consensus

seems to be that Squeezits were...

The most underrated children's drink in history.

[Andre]A history that began in 1985

when General Mills first introduced...

-♪ Squeezit ♪ -[Andre] ...to the market...

-with a name... -[laughs] Squeezits!

[Andre] ...inspired by that delightfully squeezable bottle.

They had the little twisty tops.

[Andre] They came in four flavors...

Red punch, cherry, grape, and orange.

[Andre] ...and became the toast of the school yard.

We definitely would beg our mom for it.

"We need Squeezit. We need a Squeezit."

[kids screaming]

[Andre] If kids were that excited...

-[gasps] Oh, my God. -[Andre] ...those flavors...

Red punch, cherry, grape, and orange.

[Andre] ...must have been amazing.

Uh, right?

-Um... -It was good.

-I think. Well, yeah. -I guess.

I feel like they all tasted the same.

-Mm-hmm. -Like, "What flavor is that?"

"Well, that's purple."

[Andre]Well, if it wasn't the flavor,

what was it that had kids so excited?

The commercials after school.

-Squeezit fruit drink!

Go ahead! Squeeze the fun out of it!

[Andre]Ooh, yeah. They were fun.

But these kid-friendly commercials

were secretly pushing an insidious white substance.

[sniffs]

This junk.

You know, sugary goodness.

[Andre] And when it came to Squeezits...

It was so full of sugar.

[Andre]In fact, just one bottle

accounted for more than 50%

of a kid's recommended daily sugar intake.

It was liquid kiddie crack.

That -- Tsh!

[indistinct shouting]

Everybody's like, "Whoa! Look at this party!

Everything's great!"

♪♪

"Whoa!" Crazy. Don't do drugs.

[Andre] But the Squeezit epidemic was here.

Our parents was killing us!

[man] Diabeetus.

[Andre] Blood sugar levels were through the roof,

and Squeezit was designed to keep you thirsty for more.

Only drink I remember that made you freakin' thirstier,

and you have to drink the whole thing

because that thing comes off and it doesn't go back on.

So you were committed.

Left you just like...

[hisses, screams, grunts]

[Andre] And, as if it wasn't already bad enough

when these kids were roaming the streets

hopped up on this stuff,

they were also using the empty bottles as weapons.

They were fantastic water guns.

Oh, my God. I -- Let me text my sister.

Hold on. [laughs]

"Bitch, did we fight with Squeezits?"

I would suck the water up and then clean it out.

You could just really, you know, go after each other.

-That was the fun of it. -My brothers didn't do that.

So they were shooting sticky water at me,

so those bees just was like...

[bees buzzing, kids screaming]

[Andre] Ooh. Can't get any worse than that.

Where I'm from, they would fill them with urine and nail polish.

[Andre] Spoke too soon!

The drugs, the guns.

It was a bad trip that just got worse.

In 1992, they released

these nightmare-inducing faces on the bottles.

[Daniel] They were, like, kind of grotesque.

It's like Seven Dwarves on acid.

Like, a face looking at you.

[Andre]Children were hallucinating.

-[gasps] -[Andre] It ate them alive!

-Kids were like, -"Squeezits!" [woman screams]

And then they'll grab this animated Squeezit

-and drink it. -Agh!

But you just saw the life energy drain

out of this cartoon figure.

[bottles screaming]

And we were just out here.

"Yeah! I want some of those, Mom!" [laughs]

[monkey screeches]

[Andre]But the Squeezit epidemic

was beginning to run its course.

In 1992, the year the...

Seven Dwarves on acid.

[Andre]...were introduced,

sales dropped by 16%.

Likely due to increased competition...

Like, the Kool-Aid jammer kind of took its style.

[Andre] ...and maybe even due to a growing awareness

of what Americans were pouring

down the throats of their children.

If it dyed your tongue and your hands,

then think of what it's doing to your insides.

[Andre] And though General Mills tried pushing a new product

to keep the cash flowing...

I think it was the end of the '90s

where they had the mystery flavors.

[Andre] ...Squeezits were running out of juice.

And in 2001, they squeezed out their last breath.

Oh, yeah!

[Andre] Rumors abound of a brief return to shelves

in the mid 2000s,

but they haven't reared their creepy little heads since.

And so the great Squeezit epidemic

had finally passed.

[slurping]

♪♪

But millions are still left craving that juicy squeeze...

There is so much love for Squeezits.

It's the best. Bring 'em back. Bring Squeezit back.

[Andre]...jonesing for one more fix.

[hisses]

[beep]

And now it's time for another "Discontinued"

in the wild from the past in the present.

My special correspondent Andrea Lopez is at a park,

ready to play a game.

Take it away!

Hey, Bruce. Right out of the "Discontinued" library,

we're playing American Gladiators,

which was fashioned after the 1990s competition show

"American Gladiators" where regular people

would go against the Gladiators in the ring.

This game is based off the Atlasphere competition,

where opponents would go into these spherical cages

and try to get to the inner consoles.

This is a two-player game. You use your devices.

We got our players here.

Gemini, Turbo, Laser, and Nitro.

[announcer]"American Gladiators."

[Andrea]And before we play this game,

let's have a little look into what the show was all about.

"American Gladiators" is one of the greatest television shows

in the history of America.

Violence, injuries...

homoeroticism.

[announcer] It's part game, part battle, and all action.

Best show ever!

[Andrea] Alrighty. Let's get into it.

You're put into these Plexiglass spherical containers.

You duel it out.

One, two, three! Go!

Whoo! The point is to get to the center console,

knocking out your opponents.

And let's see how I go.

-[whistle blows] -You got me.

[Andrea] Well, as it turns out, not that great.

-[bell dings] -Aw. You got it. You got it.

[Andrea] Okay. I'm not gonna say I'll ever win, but heh.

You guys know what's going on here.

You got it!

[Andrea] Perhaps it's time I play someone my own age.

[chanting] Laser! Laser! Laser!

[Andrea]I'm outnumbered. Again.

[ Laughs ] You got the family on deck.

I have nobody here to support me!

-[Andrea] Okay. Come on. -You got it!

[Andrea] This is absolutely an embarrassment to my soul.

Oh, cool dab. This game is rigged.

-Back to you, Bruce. -[Bruce] Thanks, Andrea.

Coming up, 1989's hottest childhood addiction...

Do you have any games?!

[Andrea]...that changed the game

for kids around the world.

You couldn't get me off this thing.

Our next topic features an icon,

which is something I know a lot about,

but this isn't about my versatility

which allows me to easily transition between genres.

No, this is about the gaming-world icon Game Boy.

Check it out.

This is an authentic restored original Game Boy DMG-01,

and I still can't use this thing to save my life.

Looking back now, Game Boy seems positively outdated

'cause you can't take pictures of your food with it.

But that device became one of Nintendo's

most successful products of all time.

Let's play the story of Game Boy.

Yeah! Uh-huh. Win. Win. Win.

[beeping]

Thanks, Bruce. Even in our timeline,

the Game Boy is long since discontinued.

But I'm combing the streets of Los Angeles

hoping to find one out in the wild.

-I had a Game Boy. -You had a Game Boy?

What'd you play on the Game Boy?

Pokémon.

I actually had one and left it in Honduras.

-Really? -Yes.

I left it behind with my shoes.

No!

Somewhere in central America,

there's an original Game Boy inside of an old zapato.

But in 1989, they were everywhere...

Oh, my gosh!

[Andre] ...and became every lonely gamer's...

Oh, my baby.

[Andre]...best friend.

[announcer] Game Boy!

Oh, my God.

Where did this technology come from?

[Andre] It came from Kyoto, Japan, in 1989.

So, Gunpei Yokoi was big Nintendo -- just genius.

He came up with the Game Boy.

[Andre]Nintendo already had

the Entertainment System for home use,

but what if kids could play anywhere?

-Ka-ching! -[cash register dings]

[announcer] Now you're playing with power! Portable power!

It was like Nintendo in your hand.

[Andre] So, instead of being stuck in the living room,

with your parents... Ugh!

...you could be stuck in the bathroom.

Back in the day, you didn't get to play video games

while you were pooping.

The Game Boy changed that.

[Andre]The possibilities were endless.

You could be out the house. You could be at school.

Sneak it into class, you know,

looking down like you're reading.

Slide it in your Trapper Keeper

where no one knew it was there.

[Andre] But, seriously, the kids were hooked.

They really don't know where the "off" button is.

You couldn't get me off this thing.

"Where's Anthony?"

"He's in the locker playing the Game Boy."

♪ You've spent your whole life playing Game Boy ♪

♪ Game Boy! ♪

Do you know what this means to me?

[Andre]You've found a friend.

And Game Boy was way cooler than video games of the past.

-Pong. -[beeping]

[Andre] But instead of including the famous Italian plumber

with each Game Boy...

[beeping]

...Nintendo chose...

Tetris.

[Andre]...Russian pong.

[Ryan] Tetris being the pack-in game for Game Boy

is the most brilliant video-game decision that's ever been done.

[Tony] And Tetris was always one of those games

that everybody can get in on it,

and you don't feel like a child playing it.

[Andre] Grown-up fun with Eastern blocs.

You really gotta get one of these.

This thing's so huge.

[man] It's going to be a Nintendo Christmas.

[Andre] Nintendo cashed in on the Game Boy fever...

Do you have any games?!

[Andre] ...driving kids everywhere nuts...

I lost my mind. [laughs]

[Andre]...with hundreds of games...

I remember Super Mario.

Almost, Bowser! Almost! Henh!

You could play Donkey Kong.

Teenage Ninja Turtles game on there.

Like, Pokémon on these.

[Andre]All operated flawlessly by...

Four AA batteries.

God, when the batteries would die, it was --

-Oh, my God. It was... -[Andre] Time to touch grass?

It's just batteries. Just batteries and a green screen.

That's it. No color or nothing.

[Andre]But in 1998, there was color.

[announcer]Game Boy Color.

Get into it!

[Andre] And Nintendo's favorite was green.

[cash register dings]

Because every year, a new innovation was released...

Game Boy Pocket, Game Boy Advance,

and Game Boy Micro and all those fun things.

[Andre]...with new features...

[man] 1,000 Game Boys are sold every hour.

We enjoy playing it together.

[Frank] Newer Game Boys would have cords

that you would literally, like, hook up to someone else's

Game Boy, and you can, like, battle that way.

You say, "Hey, you wanna link? Let's link."

Then you plug in and let the Game Boy do the talking.

You'd be best friends 'cause you'd do that every day.

No, I never did any multiplayer games with other people

because I had no friends, okay? This was my friend.

[Andre]The power of friendship!

♪ So if you wanna play with power, let the games begin ♪

[Andre]And 118 million units sold

certainly made every suit at Nintendo quite chipper.

So, how do you ruin

a perfectly good friendship with Game Boy?

You get more popular friends.

Nintendo shifted their focus to the Nintendo DS.

[announcer] Nintendo DS. With touch control.

[Andre]The Nintendo DS had cooler,

more exciting features.

The kids left Game Boy back at Grandma's house.

Right around the time of 2003, the Game Boy Classic, Color,

all those real mainstay Game Boys

were then discontinued.

[Andre] And while video gaming continues to evolve...

Things are really changing.

...nothing can replace a legacy of a former best friend.

Even if it ran on four AA batteries.

This had to have paved the way

for, oh, my gosh, everything we do.

This was basically the original cellphone.

IPhone meet the original.

Oh! [laughs]

[beep]

Now to the story of an app

that could have been a Shakespearean tragedy,

but, of course, we all know Shakespeare never used an app.

-[telephone rings] -He only had a landline.

[William]Hello. This is Willy.

This app changed the Internet forever,

and, even worse, it turned everyday people into stars. Yuk!

Of course, I'm talking about Vine,

the short-form video app.

It changed what video content meant to people.

Let's see what fruit we can get from this Vine.

[beeping]

Oh. Vine. Yeah. [laughs]

Vine was like quick comedy. Quick little scenes.

Is this weed? No. Ryan, it's a fork. Ryan!

[Jesús] I think Vine is, like, the reasons

why people can't hold a conversation now.

The video-sharing app that shortened short attention spans.

But the content creators delivered the goods

in only six seconds.

Katie, you can be anything in life!

A doctor, a teacher, a...

Taco! Exactl-- Wha--

You can make six-second videos, which is insanity.

It took me more than six seconds to make this sentence.

[dinging]

I'm running away!

-[man] Go ahead! -I don't wanna stop.

-[man] Go ahead! -I wanna go home!

[Andrea] In 2012, three guys worked two seconds each

and combined their hard work

into a six-second platform called Vine.

[As Miley Cyrus] Hi, y'all. It's me -- Miley Cyrus.

[Andrea] All you needed was a smartphone

and a six-second idea.

You had to get a joke across

-like that. -[fingers snap]

[Andrea] Each six-second video played on a loop

for eternity.

And the way that people were so creative blew my mind.

Mom, why are these goggles all sweaty?!

It felt like you watched a whole movie in like six seconds.

Some people were just that good.

This is a stick-up! Hey! I've got the money!

-Aah! Aah! Aah! What -- -[gunshot]

There was, like, this culture of, like, Viners.

[Andrea] While future pop stars and comedians

were being discovered,

so were everyday people who filmed...

Mehh...

[Andrea]...everyday people.

Mm. Pussy.

I think Vine just brought out a lot of talented people.

-♪ Chestnuts roasting ♪ -♪ Hark the -- ♪

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ron, what the [bleep]?!

Shawn Mendes was started on Vine.

♪ My American Apparel underwear ♪

That's either a very good thing or a very bad thing.

-♪ Yeah ♪ -[sighs]

♪ Waaa-aah-aah ♪

[Andrea] But for some, they were six seconds too long.

Vine is a comedian's [bleep] nightmare.

[distorted] Nightmare.

These goddamn kids with their six-second videos

are at the same events as me, getting the same opportunities?

Ugh!

And they're going, "Oh, we got jokes!"

Then they go to the show, and then no one has any jokes.

Vine felt like the death of my career.

-[Andrea] Cheer up, buttercup. -Oh, my God!

[Andrea] Because Vine was about to be as short-lived

as one of its videos.

[Jessica] So, Vine as a company just struggled

with monetizing solutions.

[Andrea] And then Instagram made an incredible innovation.

We're gonna make it 15 now! Ha ha!

That's three sentences! Suck it!

[Andrea] Genius.

Vine officially, yeah,

was discontinued in January of 2017.

[Andrea]And it was over.

-Like that. -[fingers snap]

Hey. Let me call you back. I gotta let my phone charge.

It was the biggest thing, and then it was nothing.

[Andrea] Vine forever changed the Internet...

and the way the Internet looks at our children.

What?! Get out!

[Andrea] In a fitting end, Vine said goodbye

in the shortest way possible --

with an emoji.

So, what the heck do we do with six seconds these days?

You can soften butter in the microwave,

create the world's fastest balloon dog.

[Andrea] With only six seconds of Viners,

we didn't know how good we had it.

[Maija] If the government wants to get rid of social media,

put 'em back on Vine.

It'll stop the hate.

'Cause everyone was, "Ah-Mnh-Enh." And then cut.

[screams]

[Bruce] Coming up, Miley Cyrus teaches kids

that if you can't be yourself...

One moment, she's a regular girl.

[Bruce]...invest in a wig!

-Yeah, it's the same person! -Hannah Montana.

Here in 2037, A.I.'s unforgiving dominance

has taken many lives.

On the bright side, a lot of those were Hollywood agents.

And Hollywood is where we go next,

to the magical realm of dreams and storytelling,

like in Disney's "Hannah Montana,"

starring Miley Cyrus.

The popular TV show in the 2000s

was about a young teen girl who led a normal life by day,

but at night she transformed into a famous pop star.

Let's immerse ourselves into the world of Hannah Montana.

[Andrea] Thanks, Bruce. Secret identities

and split personalities are usually reserved

for super heroes and serial killers,

but in 2006, America's favorite double life

was that of a teenage rock star.

["Hannah Montana" theme plays ]

[imitating theme intro]

♪ You got the limo out front ♪

♪ You get the limo out front ♪

I never had the limo out front.

But she was talking some boss talk right there.

I was like, "Okay. I can't relate."

[Andrea]The Disney channel hit starred

a young Miley Cyrus in a classic

"Jekyll and Hyde" situational comedy.

The show revolved around Miley Stewart.

Hey, Miley. How's it going?

But with the help of a blond wig,

she was able to live a secret double life

as the famous pop star Hannah Montana.

One moment, she's a regular girl trying to do her thing.

The next moment, she's a rock star, and nobody knows!

-Hannah Montana! -[girls screaming]

It was a lot of, like, pretending to be this person,

pretend to be that person.

[deep voice] I'm Mi--lo. I'm Milo.

[Andrea]It was a killer disguise.

I'm Hannah Montana.

Whoa! Dude! Stop! You're blowing my mind!

[Andrea]And her wig worked even better

than Clark Kent's glasses.

Who's this guy on set? Security!

Will you stop?

It's me...stupid!

[Andrea]Audiences weren't stupid,

but they certainly went along with it.

If Taylor Swift showed up at a high school,

everyone would know that was Taylor Swift.

The whole time I was watching, it was like,

""Yeah, it's the same person! It's the same girl."

Miley Cyrus wasn't the producers' first choice.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.

[Jessica] She auditioned to play Lilly, the best friend.

They go off and they shoot the pilot.

They come back, they're like, "We made a mistake."

[Andrea] It's not often you hear Disney admit they were wrong,

but once they came around, they realized

Miley's life so closely mimicked

that of the character's, they kept her name.

-Me. Miley. -[Andrea] They even brought on

her dad, Billy Ray, to play, well, Bobby Ray.

You guys think I'm being too tough on you?

-[both] Yeah! -[Malik B] Billy Ray Cyrus

killed the role.

Billy Ray Cyrus was, like, the original kinda girl dad.

Like, he kinda put girl dadding on the map.

Think we can do it again next week?

Yeah. Stop suffocating me, daughter.

And then you find out that her dad's the guy

-who did "Achy Breaky Heart." -♪ Achy Breaky Heart ♪

And you're like, "I love this guy!"

Surprise, Daddy!

[Rachel] You know what? I'm not mad.

Getting to the money. Billy Ray. He had a vision.

[Andrea]And Disney's vision was

to cash in on this obvious cash cow,

with some episodes gaining over five million viewers.

Disney was like, "Cha-ching!"

[Andrea] Miley Cyrus started touring as Hannah Montana

while Disney made everything, from clothes to dolls

to two theatrical movies.

[Jessica] And to this day, it's still

the highest-grossing movie

that was ever released on a Super Bowl weekend.

[Andrea] Everyone had "Hannah Montana" fever.

-"Hannah Montana." -"Hannah Montana."

"Hannah Montana." "Hannah Montana."

[Andrea] Miley was Hannah. Hannah was Miley.

And Miley was also Miley whenever Hannah wasn't Miley.

Uh, whatever. It was all one big party in the USA.

♪ I'm nodding my head like yeah ♪

This led to Miley Cyrus going on tour as Hannah Montana

in addition to Miley Cyrus going on tour as Miley Cyrus.

Huh?!

[Andrea]If you think that's confusing,

imagine how Miley felt.

The duality of not only her, but of life.

[Andrea] Touring as two separate performers

and playing a character living two separate lives

was an exhausting multiverse of Mileys.

[boy] Hannah. Please. Kiss my hand.

In 2011, "Hannah Montana" was discontinued.

[Andrea]But not before "Hannah Montana"

joined a small list of shows

to exceed Disney's 65-episode limit.

After 98 episodes, Miley Cyrus decided

to shed the Hannah Montana persona

and bare it all... literally.

I like Miley Cyrus a lot.

She's kinda like a bisexual icon

who only dates men, but that's fine.

She had a few girlfriends in there.

Who's counting? I guess me.

And that's that for "Hannah Montana,"

although Miley and Billy Ray both mentioned

they wouldn't be opposed to a reboot...

Hopefully I'm directing it.

...knowing Disney and fans will be waiting to go...

"Hannah Montana." "Hannah Montana."

...crazy.

Okay, we went from seeing Squeezit expand...

only for it to be squeezed out...

from game on to game over for Game Boy...

to witnessing the video sensation Vine die there...

and watching Hannah Montana come in like a wrecking ball.

They may be a distant memory now,

but we're keeping these treasures alive

so you'll remember them in the future.

I'm Bruce Campbell, signing off from my bunker.

Join me next time on "Discontinued"

as we dive into more relics of the past.

♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪

♪♪♪