Original subtitles

My mother was a hedge witch, too.

I didn’t know you were a hedge.

Oh, yes. My mentor, Everett, found me.

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The Foremost, save them with special weapons that expel possession.

They call them ice axes, and I’m assuming that’s poetic license.

So we might have a chance to save Eliot.

Overthrow me right the fuck now, Fen.

I never should have… - Or I will never forgive you.

And neither will Eliot

if you keep me from getting the one thing that can save him.

When the going gets tough, the tough listens to pop band from the Eighties.

Hi. It’s me, it’s the real me. It’s Eliot.

This is a Mind Palace situation,

and I have some extremely major shit to tell you.

Some God of war.

He only liked them when they were too weak to fight.

He’s not trying to rebuild his body.

That’s not what the stones are. That’s not what they’re for.

It’s so much worse than that.

Just breathe.

If the stones aren't for building a body, what does he want with them?

No, he's building a body.

His sister's. He’s trying to bring her back to life.

Oh, my God.

That's the girl he thought was a sacrifice

to summon Enyalius. But she wasn’t.

Enyalius and the other gods killed her.

They chopped her up, and turned her into four stone organs.

- Jesus. There's two of them? - Yeah.

If he got prison and she got the death penalty, I'm guessing she's the bad one.

'Til he remembers, he won’t know to go look for Enyalius.

Hi.

If you wanna talk to me, price is a drink.

You're fun.

One drink.

- What are you having, ma’am? - Vodka ice.

Vodka ice.

There you go.

- I have a question. - No, I don't come here often.

You haven’t seen me anywhere. And yes, I do have plans this weekend.

- Still have a question? - Yes.

Why does this place smell like death?

It is weird, right?

A bar next to a hospital.

Doctors need happy hour, too, I guess.

So that’s what you are? A doctor?

No.

I'm sick.

But I got good news today.

I'll only be sick for another two months.

Three, maybe.

Sometimes, my friend says one thing,

but means another thing.

Is that what you're doing?

- Keep 'em coming. - Keep them coming.

Well I’m definitely hitting my steps goal today, huh?

Jesus fuck a wise man's donkey!

Just give me a sign.

Come on. Where’s water?

Anything.

Wait.

El?

Eliot?

Oh, my God!

Hey! It’s you, right?

Cant’ be the Monster. He doesn’t have the moves.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Turn down the music and talk to me, will you?

Wait a sec. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, my God, I’m tripping on lizard.

Oh, come on.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to see you.

Where are you taking me, Eliot? I’m so thirsty.

Woman. Hello.

Oh, Hey.

Hi.

Can't believe that psychotropic douche got me here.

Can I get some water?

Who wants the honor of killing her?

Hey, if water's a deal-ee-oh, I'm good.

Oh, we have water.

What we don't have are strangers wandering in to our camp.

Her wrist.

Our enemy's enemy is our ally.

Well how ‘bout that.

You're in pain, aren't you?

Come with me.

I can take it away.

Sorry but I gotta get home and tell my parents

all the medical debt was for nothing.

Thanks for the drinks.

Wait.

Do that again.

My face.

Touch my face.

Are you okay?

Whenever you touch my face, I remember something.

Again.

You remind me of someone I had forgotten.

My sister.

- I'm gonna leave. - No, you have to come with me now.

No, I'm…

What's up?

This was in the Mirror World.

And I heard you were looking for the Binder so…

Holy shit.

It's in some language I've never seen before. I…

I’ll um…I'll get on this just as soon as we find Enyalius.

Hopefully before the Monster does.

I…I thought we wanted him to find Enyalius.

Yeah, we did, but we were wrong.

He's building his sister.

What're y'all doing?

Tracking the Library's entire magic infrastructure

to find weak points and start a rebellion.

But, um, good luck with yours.

Yeah, thanks. You, too.

I can tell you what he looks like,

the food the dude likes to eat, but shit-all for anything useful.

One thing is bugging me.

In the memory I could swear he was wearing a ring, emerald.

Guy is described up and down, but nothing about the ring.

- Wait a minute, did you say emerald? - Yeah.

When I did research with the Free Traders, there was this god.

What was his name?

He always worked in disguise, but…

he was known for always wearing an emerald ring.

So "Enyalius" is a front?

Here. Aengus.

Celtic god.

Jules, it says here, he's a Trickster.

It's fine.

And, we…it wouldn’t be a summoning,

we can only get to him through a magical creature.

Apparently there's a whole species that exists to entertain him and protect him,

and they're really annoying, and...

what I'm getting at is…

we need to find a leprechaun.

- Don't. - I’m sorry.

Listen… I just saw this red sand out there, it was following me.

I thought it was because I was “tripping balls.”

Our desert is alive. It’s filled with demon spirits that attack our women.

Okay.

Speaking of “D” spirits,

I'm looking for something…. …I think you guys have.

A pair of black…

You're angry with me? How dare you?

You lay with my sister and I'm the one you scream at? I'm the one you threaten?

Zal. Calm yourself.

Pig!

You want my sister? She's yours!

Wow, “Desert Dynasty.”

Do you think we’re going to get a girl fight?

Jesus, how long does one lick last?

Take her! You two deserve each other!

You must be silent! Now!

Gross.

But cool. But gross.

So, anytime a woman gets a teensy bit emotional…

one of those things rises up out of the sand and what?

Possesses her.

Eventually causing paralysis even death.

The men save us because they alone have the strength to survive.

And the spirit zoo you got going?

They can't be killed so I learned how to imprison them.

Some brave dudes.

And some awfully compliant women.

You're not seeing or hearing this are you?

Seeing or hearing...

I thought so.

Man, this lizard's got a half-life like uranium.

So, the guy with the axes. Which tent's he hang his thong in?

Have we identified the leader of the Serpent group yet?

Not yet. But we're looking.

Where?

Phyllis is in charge of that investigation.

I could join her.

Perhaps there are places she doesn't know to look that I would.

Considering my past.

That's a very generous offer,

but it seems that you have enough on your plate already.

Very well.

I was just sitting in a bar when a bear named Humbledrum

started talking to me.

What can I tell you, Fillory's a weird place.

- So I hear. But you… - Uh-huh.

- A woman. - Uh-huh.

- As king. - Talking animals!

I’m going to go get some more.

Wow. Light speed, Bambi.

Okay, can you just tell me?

What the hell are you?

Pieces of you.

Your spirit guide, your memories,

your Eliot, your conscience.

Speaking of conscience.

Wait, what?

You really gonna pass lycanthropy to a guy who lives on a planet with two moons?

I'll tell him I'm surfing the red breakers and we gotta get creative.

And this is just to get the axes.

Out. Now.

And this is guiding me, how?

It's the song you think to yourself

whenever you're working a guy. Remember?

High school, junior year?

- Ray Latanza. - Ray Latanza.

- Yeah. - This song came on on the car radio...

I wanted to ride in his Porsche so I gave him a handjob.

In your own driveway, which is sad, because then your dad walked out.

Okay, “road closure on Memory Lane.”

Hi, Margo! Thanks for inviting me!

I invited her?

The Library says that they have sufficient levels of ambient magic.

Magic output reports are published weekly.

Yeah, well, we didn't trust them. And guess what?

Look, this is how much magic

the Library says is being distributed as ambient.

And this is the level in the pipes right now.

It’s nothing close to amount of magic they say there is.

So long as Library members get their Deweys, who cares?

Besides hedges.

- That can't be right. - It is.

We bugged the pipes.

A beetle with McCormick's Tracer.

Were you mapping the pipe system?

Trying to.

Until our beetle disintegrated somewhere outside Earth.

But the spell shows magic levels.

And when we saw this, we thought we should show you,

because I don’t think you signed up to work for an organization that lies.

- Right? - I'm sure there's an explanation.

There is.

Harriet told you. And me.

Everett's trying to squeeze out hedges.

This is just more of same.

Look, you're on the inside.

You can find out where the extra magic is going

and why they’re hoarding it, and why the Library is lying.

Yeah, Sweetie, just

let me borrow them. I'll have 'em back in a day,

two at the most.

No one else can use them but me.

They're enchanted.

As I'm sure you can understand, better than most.

I, uh,

I loved it last night, when you did that thing to me.

What are you, some kind of a witch?

Magician.

- So can I get ones that work for me? - You'll have to make your own.

Swell. How?

Mostly white, no?

But every hundredth grain or so...

is black.

A warrior goes alone into the desert.

Picks out only the black ones,

enough to fill a large bag.

Which is then forged.

- Thanks. - You're gonna try?

I'm gonna do.

If you get the least bit emotional the spirits will possess you.

Clear on that.

- And there'll be no man to protect you. - Story of my life.

And you can't use magic. It renders the grains...

Impotent?

- I don't know that word. - You sure don't, Marathon Man.

What is she doing here?

- Four octave range, bitch. - Seriously?

I got my id, my lost innocence, my guilt, and now my inadequacy?

Okay this is too much.

Your subconscious thought you needed some wisdom.

You do whiskey, not wisdom.

Okay, fine.

Show off.

Mornin'. What can I do ya for?

Uh, we’re hoping that you could help us find somebody.

Well, I’m not sure about that, but, uh, I could fix your shoes.

Uh, this is Berry's, right?

Yeah, I'm Berry. So…

We're looking for a leprechaun.

Right. So, are you looking for like a "pot o' gold" leprechaun,

or is this a breakfast cereal situation, or...

We're looking for a god named Aengus,

but to find him, we have to talk to a leprechaun first,

and I know this is a batshit thing to say with a straight face,

but, if you could help us.

Oh, all right, since you're desperate.

Are you the leprechaun?

What do you expect some short little bearded shite in overalls?

With a buckle on me hat?

Why didn't you just tell us?

Иecause you’re hysterical when you’re desperate.

Wanna see Aengus? He’s right through there.

Great, no knob.

Someone’s trying to kill your boss and we need to warn him

so please just let us through.

No.

Aengus is pretty strict on that. Keeps out the riff-raff.

Don't worry, everything you need to open the door is in here.

It's fun.

It’s an escape room. Like, for kids’ parties?

Uh, not ours.

Enough.

You loved this song when you were little and your father sang it.

You're me, right?

I run me. So shut it.

Yes.

It’s okay, I think I can get it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Wait.

Lets the knob down, but if you stick your arm up there, you’ll just get sliced up.

We have no idea how close the Monster is. So if I get cut, I get cut.

- We don’t have time to argue about this. - Stupid, because

one of us here is indestructible.

It's you. Julia.

Aengus has been very interested in you.

What’s that supposed to mean?

No, no, nothing to worry.

We've all been interested in the girl who became a goddess who became…

Shit, we still need a key.

Well then, maybe Aengus would appreciate it if you let us through?

Oh, I can't!

I quit. I can’t do this anymore.

That goddamn lullaby.

He'd sing it every night to me,

even away on business,

he'd sing it over the phone.

He called me his little princess.

He was better than other dads.

And he thought I was better than other daughters.

- Until... - You had the audacity to grow up.

Fucking apologies for the surprise, Dad.

He saw what he raised.

A woman he couldn't control.

Who didn't need anyone else’s approval.

Nothing deadlier to the fragile male ego.

He was the one who told me I could be anything.

And I believed him.

But he didn’t tell you that the world makes you choose.

You can be one of the smart ones.

Or one of the pretty ones. Or even a strong one. But…

Try to be all three,

better learn to smile and shut up,

‘cause the second you're you,

the second

out loud, pissed off,

it's, "What a bitch," "What a slut,"

"Who the fuck does she think she is?"

So you never give them the chance.

You hit first.

And anyone dumb enough to hit back soon finds that there's no hurting you,

sheathed in all that hard, glossy armor.

Then why does it hurt so much?

Why does it feel like I’m losing my mind, Eliot?

Wind and sand reduce mountains into rubble.

Are you stronger than a mountain?

I'm a King.

Not a goddamn princess.

A King.

You were.

I'm still a King.

King of Manipulation.

King of Pointless Rage.

King of I Can't Do This.

King of He Was Right.

King of I Eventually Fuck Up Everything.

- That's not true. - That’s what Eliot would say.

But you're not Eliot, are you?

You're me.

And we know.

Margo, don’t.

Get angry?

I am angry.

Every second.

Every second my eyes are open.

Because I know who I am,

not what I pretend to be.

Can't do anything except pose and judge.

Margo. You have to stop.

The only thing I ever did right was be your best friend.

That’s the only thing I ever got right.

And I can’t even do that.

Or else this fucking bag would be fucking full!

Wait.

You’re a girl?

Sorry. Woman. Female.

And how am I hearing you?

You're in my thoughts.

Who isn't?

- Are you getting this? - Yeah, of course.

Of course.

So then maybe you can tell me, if you're a woman-ish thing,

why do you do such shitty things to other women?

What?

Fuck.

Last one.

It doesn’t work.

Goddammit.

Come on.

You may enter.

Aengus, or Enyalius whatever your name is.

Do we… we’re too late. Shit. Shit.

Oh, your face.

- What the hell, dude? - We were trying to warn you.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I got you good.

Your anxieties are glowing.

This one especially.

The Monster is coming for you. The one that you locked up in Blackspire.

You care for a snack? Something to drink? I mean, you've certainly earned it.

No, no. We…we want you to leave.

I have a place to hide,

I just refuse to let your panic infect me.

Happiness is a choice, you know.

Yeah, well, you should turn the panic up.

We wasted so much time in your escape room shit,

the Monster could be here any second.

You mortals are always so precious about time.

"Ahh! Ooh! There's never enough of it, aaah!"

"Every second I'm closer to death, aaah!"

Well, yes.

How can you enjoy life if you're in constant fear of its end?

Think on it.

Except you of course.

Julia,

it’s a fascinating pleasure.

Look, we're trying to save you. You need to hide, now.

Yes, it took me a while to shake the mortal fear, too.

You'll get there.

So that's a no on the snacks?

I did hope that the decoy and alias would keep him at bay.

But just in case,

a fallout shelter of sorts.

No one, not even the Monster, can get in.

It's going to be so very boring, but,

since you insist.

Thank God.

You're most welcome.

But before I, um…

Jesus Christ.

Julia.

- Come with me. - What?

I know a thing or two about god powers.

Sure I can fix whatever's wrong with you.

We're more alike than you know.

Think it over.

Whilst I remember my password.

So can we do this thing? Or what?

I don’t mean to be brusk.

- Do what? - Turn my black sand into axes.

Guys, whatever the joke is, skip it.

It's just so...

Richly enjoyable! Not to mention, a first!

You should feel good at least,

no other woman has ever gone alone out there

and come back with all of that.

- Most give up. - Or die.

Yeah, hilarious.

I can't believe your kingdom exiled you.

You're strong. Smart.

And a very adequate whore.

Oh yeah, it’s a big uh-oh.

You know. Funny thing happened out there.

I met one of them. A "demon spirit"?

And I got the whole download on how this place really rolls.

See, I lost my shit in a big way.

And she came up out of the sand, only, I didn't see shifty scary smoke.

I saw her.

Maybe it's this weirdo fairy eye I have.

It’s a long and very bizarre story for another day

and another quest.

But I also heard her.

She didn't attack me, that's not what they do.

But you guys already know that, don't you?

You and your whole ruling council of pussy-phobic chuckle-dicks.

Because those spirts,

when they hear a woman who's sad or scared or upset

or angry,

they rise up out of the sand to help.

And they help by possessing whatever man is causing the distress.

They're protectors.

And if the problem isn't a man,

they do whatever it takes to help women.

If your intent is to tell our people those lies,

then I'm sorry but that’s not gonna happen.

If your intent was to double-cross me,

you missed a key plot point, shit-crisp.

I'm a fucking magician.

Aren't you going to use the axes?

No.

Tell the spirits to exit your husband.

They serve you. All of you.

C'mon, ladies, it’s time to get your “head out of the sand.”

Literally.

Close your eyes, think the thought.

Leave my husband.

She's talking to me.

From now on if a demon possesses a man or a woman

you can just tell them to leave.

Or stay and finish them off.

Or help with the laundry. They're pretty handy.

Hey.

This isn't over.

- Yes, it is. - No, it's not.

I'm gonna figure out whatever the hell this Binder is all about

and become a goddess again.

Okay. It’s not gonna make a difference.

There's a ton of reasons it won't, but when has that stopped us?

Once I finally get this goddess shit straight,

I need you

to help remind me what it's like to give a shit about other people.

To want to risk your life to save them.

I got it.

May I come in?

Look who's up, Trump and Aunt Lydia.

Welcome to the New Desert Order.

It’s gonna suck for you.

Nice song, asshole.

Look, I know you're just a reptilian hallucination

but I miss you.

So much.

And I promise you.

I'm gonna get you back.

Subtitles and sync by Urska

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