Original subtitles

ANDREW: First of all, I didn't plan for this to happen.

I'm going to miss you.

KIM: It's only five, six days or so,

seven tops, eight absolute maximum.

ANDREW: It just sort of happened. And then it kept on happening.

DENISE: How long are you back for?

Five, six days or so, seven tops, eight at absolute maximum.

ANDREW: Kim and Christina one week, Denise and Kris the next.

I love you both so much. So much.

-I love you. -I love you too.

ANDREW: Back and forth over and over again.

A lot of it is routine really. You've just got to stick to the routine

and you have to be careful and keep track of the lies

and for the most part that's enough,

for the most part. There are lives at stake here,

it's complicated, very complicated.

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

LECTURER: In your own time, Miss Price.

(EXHALES)

Good evening. Good morning. I mean, good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Increasing access to low-calorie government as we enter the...

Increasing access to local government as

we enter the 21st century.

Today's new millennium is quickly upon us.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I'm sorry.

LECTURER: Today's new millennium is now upon us.

What the fuck?

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Need some change?

What about a whole new personality?

Oh, er, that machine is in the staffroom.

(SIGHS)

I was supposed to read out an essay in class

and I couldn't do it. I just froze.

Glossophobia.

Glossophobia, it's the fear of public speaking. A lot of people have it.

So embarrassing. It's just a stupid essay,

there were just too many people.

Well, at least you went out there and tried, right? That's more than most.

You're right, I did try.

Yeah, there you go, you did your best.

I'm Kim and thank you.

Andrew and don't mention it.

(CHUCKLES)

They should call it a venting machine.

No? No. Well...

-It was pretty good. -Thanks.

ANDREW: So, you're American?

KIM: Yes, I'm from Wisconsin.

ANDREW: Oh, the Badger State?

KIM: Oh, yeah. Have you been there?

-Yeah. I... -Really?

Well no, I haven't, er...

I read about it in a travel guide once.

Wow! I'm surprised they have a travel guide for Wisconsin.

It's more a pamphlet.

What do you study?

Oh, I'm a teacher, creative writing.

Oh, I did English for my first degree.

I tried to write for a living but...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Yeah, it's tough.

Yeah, it didn't go so well. But now I am trying

to learn something more employable.

Well, you don't even want to know what brought me to Bristol.

Do you want to get a drink?

Oh, er, now? Oh, no, I, I think I'm supposed to

be meeting someone for dinner.

Oh, yeah, sorry, that's just a spur...

I think, anyway.

That was a bad idea.

-No, it's not at all. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-I'll see you round. -It's not necessarily a bad idea.

Just... Well, no, wait, I've got time for one. Just the one.

♪♪ Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up

♪♪ In the morning when the day is new?

♪♪ And after having spent the day together

♪♪ Hold each other close the whole night through

♪♪ Happy times together we've been spending

♪♪ I wish that every kiss was never ending... ♪♪

(KEYS JINGLING)

Darling, one of those annoying, self-satisfied electric car morons

has parked in our driveway.

I'm so sorry, do you need me to move it?

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I wasn't talking about you, whoever you are.

I thought you were visiting Peter next door but that doesn't make sense

because you clearly care about the environment, unlike the guy next door

who only cares about himself. No wonder his wife left him.

PETER: It was a conscious uncoupling.

Oh, good, he's here. Peter. This is the guy

I was telling you about. He is single.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I need to use the little boys' room.

ANDREW: Hey.

Hey, you're back.

How was Bilbao?

Yeah, yeah, it was good. Who are all those people

in the living room and what's Peter doing here?

He's not banging on about the use of the bus stop again, is he?

This is the first official meeting of

the United Pothole Action Group.

What?

Well, remember how I was telling you how those potholes

have been really bothering me? Well, I decided to do something about it

and I'm not the only one. Peter had the axle broken on his car

and Margaret almost ran over a squirrel. Almost. And we just decided

enough is enough. So we are going to do something about it.

We did what you said.

Come on, I want to introduce you to everyone.

What did I say?

To get a petition going. Come on.

Since when do you willingly have

large gatherings of people in the house?

Since now.

Everyone this is my husband, Andrew.

-ELISE: Hello. -NICK: Hi.

Hey, hello.

This is Margaret.

Oh, hello, Margaret, sorry about earlier. I, I, I...

Patch?

Bet it affects your depth perception is what I was going to say.

And this is Nick and Jess Gardner, fellow Americans.

Nick. Jess.

It's the other way around, actually. I'm Nick.

I'm Jess.

Oh, I bet you get that all the time.

Not really, no.

They are from Chicago.

Oh, I'd love to go to Chicago.

You just went last year.

Again. I'd love to go to Chicago again. Lovely town.

What part of where you in?

The cold part.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

And this is Elise.

ELISE: Hello.

-Denise. -Elise.

Oh, Elise not Denise.

Elise works for the Etsy.

-Who now? Etsy, what's Etsy? -Etsy is a website.

Yes it's a peer to peer e-commerce website

that focuses on vintage and handmade items

and supplies, as well as some unique factory manufactured stuff, too.

Oh, that's a good thing, is it?

Oh, it's great, I just bought a pair

of oven gloves that were hand crocheted by a South Sudanese woman

-with Down Syndrome. -It's great.

Well, that's everybody met. I'll leave you to it,

I'm just going to go upstairs and unpack.

You fag.

PETER: It was a conscious uncoupling.

Oh, no! Sorry. United Pot Hole Action Group,

the acronym spells UPHAG, sorry.

-It's okay. Andrew? -Yeah.

Can I talk to you for a minute, do you mind?

Yeah, could you just give me a second.

-I'm just going to go and unpack? -Yes.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Twenty-five years we were together. The first time I saw her she...

ANDREW: I thought staying in was the answer.

I had to keep our lives private and that was easy with Kim, at first.

I became aroused. Do you know what I mean?

But really aroused.

But people change. I'm gone for a week

and suddenly we've got half the neighbourhood in our house.

A bed of rose petals, stuffed with goose feathers.

The mattress, not the rose petals...

Unfortunately, you can't control everything.

You can only control so much.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

KIM: Hey, let's go, we got to pick up Christina.

ANDREW: God, it's like a bad science-fiction film.

KIM: Here we go again.

ANDREW: No, seriously they are still mindlessly taking photos

and tweeting everything they see.

This is why I don't want her having a mobile. All this social media nonsense,

it's dangerous.

Yeah, cos once your picture goes on Facebook

and the devil just sucks your soul straight into hell, right?

I think it's dangerous for her not to have a phone. We should get her a phone.

Come on, her birthday is coming up.

Oh, there she is, Christina.

-Hi. -Hey.

Hey. Was that a new perfume?

Yeah, its Malika's, it's called Tart.

Tart? Bit much, isn't it? Did she run out of desperation?

Oh, Dad, I was almost gonna say that I missed you.

-No, it smells really... -Nice?

No, it just smells, really. Right, pizza! Anyone?

I'm done, Kim. Can I be excused now?

No, we are having family dinner.

I'm finished.

You haven't told us about the science fair.

It was fine.

What was fine about it? Did you get to blow things up and stuff?

Yep.

So, not primo lame like you thought it was going to be?

Primo lame? Did we just enter a time warp?

Primo lame? Oh, my God, I don't think I'd say that even if I was mum's age.

Thank you, I guess. Where there a lot of other schools there?

-Yeah. -Did you hang out? What happened?

Yeah, you know.

What did you do? Who did you meet? Tell us.

It was a science fair. Just, you know, like that stuff.

Well, your mum and I weren't there,

so maybe fill us in on all that stuff.

(SIGHS) Can I please go to my room now?

You didn't eat anything. Shovelling one slice of pizza,

which we only got for you by the way, hardly counts as dinner.

I don't like pizza.

You love pizza.

I'm a vegetarian now and you're trampling on my animal rights.

It's a vegetarian pizza, we only got it because of you.

Yeah, but it's made in a faculty that uses animal products.

ANDREW: You mean facility?

Oh, why are you always picking on me?

We are not. Christina?

I just want to go to my room, Mum.

No! No, you don't. You don't talk to us like that.

You are going to sit down, we are going to enjoy each other's company

and you are going to tell us about the science fair.

(SIGHS)

I apologise, I was being a brat.

This is an opportunity for the three of us to be together

and that doesn't happen a lot.

So, yeah, the science fair, we did learn about explosives,

there were a lot of other schools there and I made new friends

and, no, it wasn't primo lame.

In fact, it was a valuable lesson, and I am grateful

I was able to experience it.

ANDREW: Thank you. See, that wasn't so hard,

yes, you may now go to your room.

I think the key is just to be straight with them,

there's no point in playing mind games.

Hey, sorry, that took longer than I thought. I know, my dad...

I know, yeah, he got...

Christina, what...

ANDREW: A bloody boyfriend!

Calm down, I don't know why you are reacting this way.

Calm down? This changes everything.

It's just a boyfriend, it's not like she has

a secret mobile phone she has been hiding from you.

So how did you find out? Did she tell you?

No, she didn't have to. I was a teenager once, I know the signs.

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

Signs. I used to listen to a lot of Sting. I had a big crush on him,

I really wanted to be with him sexually. Like for the first time

I wanted to stick my tongue down his throat and just like French kiss him.

Yeah, all right. So who is this?

Boyfriend? I don't know. Someone from school, a friend of a friend,

someone she met at the science fair. It's cute, it's sweet,

this day was bound to happen.

DENISE: So, tell me her name.

KRIS: No.

You can't tell me the name of your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend, it's not even a...

Well, I thought you were going on a date.

It's not a date, it's just a bunch of friends

going to another friend's house.

So, what's all this about then? Since when do you put on

half a bottle of... Pursuer? Girls don't even like that sort of thing.

What would you even know about it?

Hey! Look, I'm doing my best here, all right.

I wish your dad was here more for you, or for us,

but I'm here,

okay?

Okay.

(DOOR CLOSING)

I'm going to go downstairs and Skype your dad,

I want you to come down and say hi before you go out.

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

(SKYPE RINGING)

Greetings from sunny Dubrovnik.

Hello. Sunny?

Yeah, well, it's dark now obviously.

-Hey, Dad. -Hey, Kris. How is it going?

Yeah, good. Can I go now?

You didn't tell your dad your big news.

Oh, God, bye.

No later than 11:00.

What's the big news?

He's going on a date.

KRIS: (SHOUTING) It's not a date!

Blimey! When did this happen?

Last week when he went to see Ged.

Who is Ged again?

You know, his family moved to Cardiff at the end of last year.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, I remember.

Didn't he shit himself in the bowling alley once?

Okay, so Kris has a girlfriend...

Wait, this was in Cardiff, as in Wales?

You really are a travel writer.

And he met a girl there?

Suppose so.

Ah. What's her name?

How old is she? What do we... What do we...

What does she look... What... How... What do we know about her?

He didn't say.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

What's going on there?

It's a... It's a Game of Thrones party.

They, er... They film it here

and they dress up. It's a cos-play kind of thing.

Oh, it sounds like fun.

Yeah, not if you are trying to sleep through it.

I love that show.

Oh, look, I'm, I'm going to go

and I'm going to have to move rooms, okay? So...

Oh, do you have to do that now?

Yeah. Sorry, I'll see you later. Okay, bye.

Love you, bye.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You can't come in here.

But I need to go to the toilet.

Well, try the loo, it's just over there on the left.

You can't miss it, it's got a toilet in it.

Hey, Christina, will you make sure that nobody goes in...

Hey, whoa, whoa, where are you going?

-Out. -Out where?

A friend's house. Mum said it was okay.

Is this is a friend from Wales?

Yes... Er, no... I don't know.

-Well, which one is it? -Dad!

Christina, Is it the boy you met in Wales? Did you meet a boy in Wales?

You met a boy in Wales, didn't you?

That's all right, that's fine, just tell me about it.

I hope I'm not late. Ooh, sexy!

CHRISTINA: Oh, my God!

Andrew, perchance you're experiencing telecommunication troubles?

Oh, really? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

For I have sent you a plethora of missives and have yet to witness an RSVP.

Oh, flat battery, I think.

Oh, by the by, I was hoping you

could accompany this old sack of bones to a reputable ale house.

Yes, yes, it sounds perfect.

We shall take my chariot yonder to where the woods thicken

and the maidens... Well, it's in Westbury.

Where is Kim? We were supposed to kick off 10 minutes ago.

I mean, dear God in heaven, the council meeting is tomorrow.

Keep a sense of perspective, Margaret.

-Andrew? -Yeah?

He's single.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

ANDREW: Kim?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

I didn't realise there would be so many people.

Yes, neither did I.

Oh, I can't do this.

Why don't you just ask Peter to do the presentation?

Maybe he can do it at his house too?

No, I can. I can do this.

(EXHALES)

No, I can't. I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

I can't.

I know you can. I think it's great what you are doing, Kim,

not just for the community but for you, really.

Just go out there and try.

-Go downstairs and do your best. -I can do it!

-Yes! -I can do it.

KIM: You aren't just saying that?

ANDREW: No, it was absolutely fantastic.

-KIM: (LAUGHING) -A stirring call to arms, honestly.

Seriously, I am so proud of you.

I'm really impressed.

Thank you. Wow.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Wow.

What's that?

Elise's blog is getting a lot of hits after that...

Someone called me "the Emmeline Pankhurst of potholes".

(CHUCKLES)

Bristol Post wants to do an interview.

With you?

Yes, they heard about it and contacted Elise through her blog.

Are you going to do that? It seems a bit excessive.

Of course, its great exposure. This is important to me.

Who knows what can happen at the council meeting.

Who is Emmeline Pankhurst?

(DOOR CLOSING)

Mum, your pothole thing on Facebook is going viral.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, Malika told me that.

(GIGGLES)

You are going to be famous.

I was very nervous but your father talked me into it and I spoke.

Oh, my God!

I know, it's hilarious, right?

So, well... You can keep the phone, it's our secret.

I want you to be safe, so you can call me if you need to.

Thanks, Mum.

Is that Vlad?

Vlad.

What are you doing?

(SIGHS)

You paid Vlad to fill in the pothole?

-Yeah. -Why?

It's my going away present to you.

Well, that's sweet but this isn't about one pothole,

it's about hundreds of potholes

all over Bristol. It's about the council doing what they are supposed to do.

Okay, yeah. But now it's not so urgent.

Oh, Andrew.

Yeah, I mean this way you will be able to take a step back so...

You filled in the potholes, so I wouldn't go to the city council meeting tonight?

No...

So I wouldn't speak? You don't think I can do it?

You don't actually have any confidence in me?

No, that's not... I didn't say that.

(SIGHS)

Listen, Kim, let's think about you for a second.

Don't do that, Andrew.

There's a big difference, a big difference,

between talking to a handful of friends in your living room

and addressing hundreds of people.

Hundreds of people,

strangers, staring at you,

most of whom won't agree with what you are saying. I mean...

Do I have to remind you about what happened

at Angela's wedding?

All you had to do was read out the telegrams.

It took all of us breaking into groups, an hour, to find you.

(SIGHS)

Look, at least you tried your best.

No.

I didn't try my best,

you have been saying that for 15 years and it doesn't help.

I'm going to do this tonight and, when I do,

then I will have tried my best.

I just don't want you to get hurt.

I Think you can do it, I do. Just not now.

I worry that everything is happening too fast. You said the newspapers

are going to be there. Is that what you want for them to write about you

if you make even the smallest, little mistake?

They will jump on that and then the whole viral thing,

everyone in your business, nobody wants that, do you?

Look, honey, I really do think that we need to step back here

and ask someone else to do it.

Denise or one of the others, just this time.

You can do it next time.

Hello, Peter, its Kim.

Yes, I was wondering if you could do the presentation tonight?

No, no, I'm fine, erm... It's just been made clear to me that I shouldn't do it,

That's its better for everyone this way.

Yeah, I will bring all the work I've done

and I'll meet you there no later than 7:00. Okay.

Okay. Well, then I'd better get to the airport.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

You can't control everything. You can only control so much.

And sometimes you find yourself forced to make difficult choices.

-(PHONE CHIMES) -(SIGHS)

Dangerous, risky choices.

But it's never about me,

it's always about them.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

Everything I do,

(EXHALES)

I do for them.

♪♪ Baby, then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

♪♪ We could be married

♪♪ And then we'd be happy

♪♪ Wouldn't it be nice

♪♪ Good night, oh, baby

♪♪ Sleep tight, oh, baby

♪♪ Good night, oh, baby

♪♪ Sleep tight, oh, baby ♪♪