All language subtitles for santa.clarita.diet.s02e03.480p.web.x264.rmteam

Well, say something! What's happening?

Oh, my God!

He's still alive.

Okay, confirm a theory I'm working on.

Am I a severed head?

When you bit him, he must have turned.

- And we didn't kill his brain.
- We didn't know.

Okay. So, that's a yes?

Fuck.

All this time, you've just been
lying awake here in this hole?

In a pudding of my own guts.

Oh, God, that must have been awful.
Although, you did attack me.

But look what you did to me!

God, I miss gesturing.

So, what happens now?

You can't live like this, so...

I guess we have to kill you...?

Are you asking me?

No, I was trailing off
because it's uncomfortable.

None of this is ideal, Gary.
And, clearly, mistakes were made.

But we would like to send you off
with as much dignity as possible.

Would you like to hear some music?

We've got satellite radio,
so we've got everything.

Sometimes too much.
Do we really need 400 channels in our car?

- I know, right?
- Okay.

Before you kill me,
I do have one last request.

Oh, I'm sorry.
That's not the way satellite works.

- You just get the channels.
- It's ridiculous, the amount you pay.

No, I... I mean there's something
I want you to do for me before I die.

Something... incredibly important.

- Really? You want us to do you a favor?
- You buried me alive.

Not knowingly.

Dirt bikers. We should get out of here.

Okay. We'll find somewhere
to bury the rest of him,

and then take him home and hear him out.

- I don't wanna take him home.
- Do you have a better idea?

God damn it.

There.

- Good as new.
- Hey, can I be in the living room?

It's kind of spooky down here.

The only reason it's spooky down here
is because you're down here.

We could put you in a garden of lollipops
and it would still be spooky.

So Gary, what is your request?

Well, I had a lot of time to reflect
on my life while I was buried out there.

I wasn't a good person.
Hurt a lot of people,

- only thought about myself.
- Blah, blah, blah.

What do you need from us, Head?

There was only one thing I ever did
I was proud of.

I always took care of my niece, Kayla.

She's had a lot of bad breaks,
but I was the one person in her life

who always made sure she and her baby
had food to eat,

a roof over their heads.

That's really nice.

He assaulted you. He's a creep.

People can be more than one thing, Joel.

Look, in my office, there's a deed
to a summer house I own on Lake Michigan.

I want you to give it to Kayla
so she and her little girl can...

get out of their crappy apartment
in Long Beach, start a new life.

You do that for me,
then I'll be ready to die.

I think being separated from your penis
has made you a better man.

Maybe.
It certainly has given me more free time.

Please, I'm the only family Kayla has.

I can't bear her thinking
that I've abandoned her.

- No, fucking...
- Joel?

I think we should do this.

God damn it. But then, this is it.

We deliver the deed to his niece,
and then lights out.

Absolutely. See?
You were wondering if we were bad people.

But only good people would do a favor
for the severed head of their victim.

I think at best,
we're in a moral gray area.

I fed Gary.
I gave him pieces of the Serbian guy,

most of which fell through his neck
into the vase, but he seemed to enjoy it.

Hey, what would you think if,
for the bookshelves in here,

I built them out of cherry wood,
like this?

Oh. Yeah, this is nice.

And what would you think if,
instead of driving 50 miles to Long Beach,

we mailed that deed to Gary's niece
in an envelope, like this?

We'd still be good people.
Maybe even better

because our carbon footprint
would be smaller.

I know, but it's Gary's last wish.

And Kayla deserves to know
why she's never gonna see her uncle again.

And we owe it to her
to deliver that lie in person.

I know.

I just wanted to have
one normal day.

I know, things have been crazy
these last few weeks,

but I just feel so guilty.

Gary loved his niece,
and now thanks to me,

that poor girl's gonna be all alone
in the world.

I get it. I just had a different vision
of what today would look like.

Well, what did you want to do, sweetheart?

Well... I need a haircut.

This is insane. And I wanted to buy wood
for the bookshelves.

And there's this new Chinese place
on Riverside I'd like to try.

We haven't had a date night since
this all started.

You know, normal stuff.

We can go see Gary's niece
and still do all of that.

I would love nothing more
than to have a date night with you.

Great. I also haven't written

a restaurant review for Yelp
in a long time,

and my followers rely on me.

Elite status is a privilege and a burden.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping that Yelp thing
would die with me.

But I know it's important to you,
so I pretend I care.

Thank you.

Where's my phone charger?

Mom,
did you take it with you to the basement?

Shit. We can't let her find Gary's head.

I know. I'm not worried about her
being shocked.

- I'm just tired of her criticizing us.
- Uh, I have one.

- I'll bring it down to you. Just hang on.
- We have to keep her out of there today.

Oh, God, but if we tell her,
"Don't go into the basement,"

- the second we leave...
- She'll go to the basement.

So, what do we do?

I want you to clean the basement today.

Sure, I'll get right on that.

Is this you guys?

"Human body parts
found near Rocky Peak Park."

No.

But it sure sounds like us.

God, this guy was really ripped to pieces.

Think there's someone
out there like you?

Let's not make everyone's problems
our problems.

People get ripped to pieces all the time.

- No, they don't.
- They do for the purpose of my argument.

We have a lot on our plate,
let's not go looking for more.

It really makes you wonder, though.
Who could've killed this poor guy?

Thank you for taking me to lunch.
It was fun.

Thank you for inviting me
back to your apartment,

where you live by yourself
with the bed and everything.

You know, I still feel bad
you didn't eat anything.

Was Panda Express a bad choice
for a first date?

- Yes.
- Cool.

But also, I just wasn't hungry.

There are a million things
I wanna do to you.

There's a million things
I've had done to me.

But I did all of them myself.

Actually, it's just one thing
a million times.

Can I have some water?

I'll get you that water.

Jesus Christ, it's happening.

Okay.

Oh. Stay calm, Eric.

Dumber people than you
do this successfully all the time.

Wake up, old friend,
your days of leisure are over.

Fuck me.

Hey, Romeo.

I don't have time for gentle ribbing.
I'm in Ramona's bathroom.

She's undead.
I think she brought me here to kill me.

- Oh, my God. Run!
- I can't, she's right outside.

Okay, uh, lock the bathroom door.

What's her address? I'll be right there.

34 Sunbird, apartment 2D. Hurry!

And don't take McBean.
It's a parking lot at this hour.

If I were you, I'd get
on Magic Mountain Parkway

- and go all the way to Rose...
- Eric, I'll find it!

Oh, God.

I should've brought more protection.

I'm sorry that we're not gonna make it
back in time for your hair appointment.

It's all right. It's not your fault.
There was traffic on the 405.

I just don't understand why people
slow down to look at a mattress.

Well, it was brand-new
and it had a cowboy boot next to it.

It invites questions.

If we hurry, we can still
make the lumberyard

and get Chinese food on the way back.

Unless the other cowboy boot
shows up and fucks us.

- Hi!
- Hi!

- Kayla Lawson?
- Yes?

We're John and Wendy Darling.
We called earlier.

Yeah, you have some news
about my Uncle Gary? Is he okay?

You know Gary.

No matter how bad things get,
he always comes out ahead.

- We're doing that now?
- No, I'm done.

Okay.

Really? So Uncle Gary
just dropped everything and left?

He said he loves you very much,
but he needed to change his life.

So he gave up
all of his material possessions,

and moved to a remote village
to help the poor.

- I wonder why he didn't call.
- Great question.

Because he gave up all of his possessions,
so obviously he doesn't have his phone.

Great answer.

- Did he say where he was going?
- I'll take this one.

I think it was Guatemal...

No, he kept it vague
because he didn't want anyone to find him.

Yeah, that's better.

For everyone.

Holy shit.
Well, good for Uncle Gary.

See, I always thought that he would just
grope the wrong woman one day

and she'd kill him.

- Nothing could be further from the truth.
- Nothing.

Anyway, he wanted to make sure
you were taken care of.

So he asked us to give you this.

It's a deed to a house in Michigan.
Six acres on a lake.

All paid for and all yours.

Oh, my God.

I spent the summers here
when I was little.

See, my parents are divorced, so these are
some of the happiest memories that I have.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

And thank you for driving all the way
down here just to give this to me.

You are such good people.

Thank you, Kayla. We're trying to be.

Sometimes we do things we're not proud of,
and to balance the moral scales...

- You're welcome.
- You're right, that's better.

Fuck! Fuck you, Uncle Gary!

And fuck you, nice people.

You've given me this gift
and now I can't even use it.

Kayla, what is it?

It's this guy, Boone.

I was dating him for a couple weeks,

and he's pissed because
I broke up with him.

And he has my car.
He won't give it back.

I can't live on a lake
in the middle of nowhere without a car!

Now I woke the baby.

Does it feel like we've done enough?
I think we may have done enough.

Joel, it was Gary's last wish
that we get her to Michigan.

And we haven't done that yet.
We have to go and get her car back.

I know. It just
the cherry wood I wanted is on sale,

and it's a very fast moving wood.
I guess we could just get pine.

The Toyota Camry of the forest.

We are doing a good thing, honey.

And you are gonna get your Chinese food,
I promise.

Listen, Kayla, if you give us
the address to your ex-boyfriend,

we will go there and get your car back.

Oh, my God. Really?

Thank you so much.

Here's his address.

You guys, I really appreciate it.
Really.

- Of course.
- It's our pleasure.

You know, I should probably warn you
about my ex.

Warn us?

Uh...

You'll probably be okay.

Thank you.

- Well, that felt good, didn't it?
- Yeah.

Except for the ominous part at the end.

Oh, you noticed that, too?

Wow.

That was... awesome.

Your nose is bleeding.

That happens sometimes when I get excited.

My cat did that once.

Your tongue is way softer.

Eat this, bitch!

Oh.

Oh, she didn't attack you. You had sex.

Thrice.

Didn't occur to you to text me an update?

Mmm, no, it really didn't.

Hey, befor you judge me,
you took almost 40 minutes to get here

when you thought I was gonna die.

Look, putting on my mom's kill-suit
was a whole big thing,

and then traffic was a nightmare.

You took McBean, didn't you?

Yeah, yes.

That's a good look on you.

Thank you.

- Are you really undead?
- Uh-huh.

Did my mom bite you?

No.

- Then how did it happen?
- I don't know.

I woke up one morning,
vomited, died,

then went on a hike, a jogger
yelled at me to get out of his way,

and I smashed his head in with a rock
and ate his brain.

Why do joggers think they own the road?

It makes me so mad.

You're so supportive.

- Okay, you guys are... are good.
- Wait.

We met at the Rite Aid.

You said your mom was sick.
How is she?

She's doing better. Why?

I wanted to see if she's having
the same problem as I am.

- Oh, my God.
- Jesus.

It came off a week ago.

I Velcroed it back on.

Don't worry, babe. I can help you.

Maybe he's not so bad. He has a bird bath.

He's inviting birds to come
and play on his front lawn.

We have a hummingbird feeder
and we kill people.

I'm just saying, you can't always judge
a person by their aviary accessories.

Yeah?

- Boone Tarver?
- Yeah.

I'm Hume Cronyn
and this is my wife, Jessica Tandy.

We're friends of Kayla,

and we'd really like it if you'd consider
giving her her car back.

It would be the right thing to do,
and as a bird bath owner,

I know you're always looking for ways
to help others.

Fuck that shit. Even if Kayla
was a beautiful bird,

I wouldn't give that bitch her car back.

What if we gave you $400?

Yeah, okay.

Wow. Okay. That was fast.

Would you do it for 300?

- No, that's not how it works.
- Okay. I wasn't sure if you knew that.

I tell you what, you seem like
nice white people.

You pay me cash, I'll do it for 350.

Really? Okay.

Come on in.

Um, he said, "nice white people," right?

Maybe he said, "Nice right people."
Like, we do things properly.

I heard "white," but maybe.

Yeah, make yourselves comfortable.
I'll get the keys.

Great. Thanks, Boone.

All right, I'll drive the car back to
Kayla's house, and you can pick me up.

And by 8:00 p.m.,
you are gonna be balls deep in bok choy.

- I promise.
- Thank you.

Wow, look at those bookshelves.

Looks like he built them himself.

What the fuck?

Cherry wood. And look at these corners.

I guarantee you
this guy has his own miter saw.

Whoa.

Didn't notice that.

Tongue and groove.

God, I respect a man
who's unafraid to embrace the past.

What the hell?

Jesus.

The chances these are all gifts seem slim.

This is what Kayla was
warning us about.

Boone is a Nazi.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Remember when we were looking
for our first person to kill,

and we said,
"Who would be the perfect candidate?"

- Yeah.
- Get the tarps out of the car, baby.

Because we just found
our young, single Hitler!

Okey-dokey. It'll take a few minutes
to prepare the serum.

Why don't you have a seat right here
and relax.

You'd make a really good receptionist
at a medical or dental office.

Thank you.

And your calm and dispassionate demeanor
would make you a wonderful 911 operator.

Thank you.

I like how we're already finding
little ways to validate each other.

I could get used to this.

Right. Okay.

Hey, isn't Ramona great?

I was so worried my first time
would be with my cousin, Sophie.

She gives such good massages.

But now instead of doing
something creepy and desperate...

- You're having sex with a dead woman.
- Undead.

You know, I always thought
my obsession with the supernatural

would hurt my chances with girls,
but really...

it was just preparing me
for my deflowering.

Why stop there?

Maybe you could have a threesome
with a mermaid and a hobbit.

Are you okay? You seem a little hostile.

I'm fine. Let's just finish this serum
so your girlfriend's head

doesn't fall off when you're porking her.

Well, for your information,

I recently found out
I'm a gentle, giving lover.

I don't wanna kill this guy.
We talked about this, honey.

We can't keep
murdering people impulsively.

But there's no one here.

And this is a truly bad guy

who's responsible
for killing millions of people.

- Indirectly.
- No.

Why not?

Because I gave up my haircut
and I gave up my cherry wood.

And there's no scenario
where we kill this guy

and I still get Chinese food.

- Oh! There he is.
- Sorry it took so long.

I popped a couple of Oxys before you came
and they just kicked in,

- so I'm moving kind of slow.
- He's moving kind of slow.

- I don't care.
- My whole body's numb.

I shit you not, I slammed my finger
in the door, I felt nothing.

- He feels nothing.
- I don't care.

Hey, you guys like fun, right?

There's a funeral down the street
for a gay, Jew lady-doctor.

You wanna go shout stuff
at her colored foster kids?

Jesus. He's perfect.

- Thank you.
- Not tonight.

- But I just wanna eat this gentleman now.
- Did you just say you wanna...

No, you're high. You misheard me.

We can go get Chinese food another time.

- It's always another time.
- But I'll be quick. I promise.

Hey, Boone. Bad news.

Oh, shit.

They moved that funeral to yesterday.
Shifty Jews.

I told the crew that we'd just all
hang out here tonight.

Who are you?

We were just leaving.
Right, sweetheart?

Yes.

Whoa. You ain't going nowhere.

Not until you buy raffle tickets
for our softball team.

- No, we need to skedaddle.
- Oh, hang on.

You guys have a whole team?

Are you all Nazi-ish?

Damn right. You like Nazis?

I don't know, I've never had one.

- Maybe you should try one sometime.
- Oh, I definitely will.

- I'll take this whole book.
- Awesome.

- Hundred bucks.
- You play ball, Hume?

- We're looking for a white fielder.
- Wait. Did you say "white" fielder?

Right.

Wait. "Right" like yes,
you need a white fielder,

or "right" like no,
you need a right fielder?

- What?
- Honey, let's go.

Yeah, I'm done here.

Okay. Holding still, holding still.

I'm releasing the serum into your spine,

almost there, your hair smells great.

Taking the needle out...

And it snapped off inside you.

How do you feel?

- Fine.
- Let's just leave it there.

Okay, remember, this isn't a cure.
It just arrests your symptoms.

- So you're gonna stay exactly as you are.
- Which is awesome.

Okay.

I have to be at work in ten minutes.

Thanks for helping me.

Wait. Before you leave, tomorrow night's
half-price at the trampoline park.

- You wanna go?
- No.

- Okay. How about a movie Friday night?
- No.

Magic Mountain on Saturday?

- No.
- No.

Wow, look at us, already on the same page.

I think she's blowing you off.

I suspected Abby's "sick" mother
was undead,

and thought she might be able to help me
with my deterioration.

The only reason I slept with you

was to create an emotional bond
so you'd lead me to her.

But now you've fallen for me?

I think your dignity
also snapped off inside her.

Sorry, Eric. I got the serum,
and I don't need you anymore.

We had some fun, but I'm kind of a loner.

See ya later, alligator.

Or... maybe never again, crocodile.

Wow.

When my parents find out
there's another undead person,

they're gonna freak out.

How are you feeling?

Not great.

I shouldn't have given you
such a hard time about Ramona.

No. No, it's okay.

I'm sorry I couldn't stop
talking about her.

I wasn't trying to make you jealous.

I wasn't jealous.

I was angry.

- Angry?
- Yeah, you scared the hell out of me.

When you called me from Ramona's,
I thought you were gonna die.

I'd never see you again.

I'm sorry.

Don't ever do that to me again.

I won't.

I should clean the basement.
I promised my parents.

Yeah, I should get home.

- Hey, thanks for everything.
- Thank you.

Yup, yup.

Mm.

I'm sorry I was so insistent
on killing Boone.

You know, being selfless
doesn't come easy to the undead.

Hey, we made it here,
we're having our date night.

I am in pork heaven.

Mm.

You know what's great
about a lobster tank?

Hmm?

You have a stockpile of live, fresh,
tasty food whenever you want it.

Well-observed.

This is my lobster tank.

And these gentlemen are my lobsters.

And whenever I get hungry,
we can just reach in and grab one,

and have a tasty meal.

Wow, Nazi-lobsters.
That's intense.

But actually, right now,
I'd just like to enjoy my meal.

Have one normal evening
with normal conversation.

Of course.

It's just that if we know who we're
gonna kill next, then we can plan better,

and have more time
for non-murder-y things.

But, yes, normal conversation.

Look at that.
What a beautiful fish.

You know the food's authentic
when they serve the fish with the head on.

Speaking of,
now that we've dealt with Kayla,

- we have to kill Gary's head tomorrow.
- That's right. How should we do that?

Well, the weather has been great.
Something outside would be nice.

We could take him to Pike's Ridge.

Set him on that boulder
overlooking the valley, tell him a joke,

and while he's laughing,
drive an ice pick through his brain.

Oh, that's good. I was thinking we'd
count to three, but then do it on two.

But your way is better.

I'm sorry. I'm doing it again.
You wanted normal conversation.

No, it's okay.

Maybe for us, this is normal.

God, I know we have to kill Gary now,
but how great would it be

- to put him out for Halloween.
- Oh, my God!

And we could make the Anderson's corn maze
look like the bullshit that it is.

- No, we have to kill him tomorrow.
- Absolutely.

And the crowd goes wild.

Go, go! Go, go!

Gary! Gary!

You're the best!

God, ladies and gentleman, please,
you got to settle down, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Detroit.

"You're in Michigan."

Welcome, Michigan!

Acoustics in here are not bad.

Hey! What's up? I'm Gary.

Not today.