All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S29.Springfield.of.Dreams.The.Legend.of.Homer.Simpson.REPACK.720p.FOX.WEB-DL

male narrator:
For over 150 years,

the game of baseball
has remained the same:

three strikes to an out,
six outs to an inning,

four lines of 90 feet
to make a diamond out of dirt,

and so, in a sport
of infinite permutations

and bottomless statistics,

it is the moments
we remember,

flashes of manmade miracles,

feats of heart-wrenching
humanity.

- I might have...

been given a bad break,

but I've got an awful lot
to live for.

narrator: The impossible
brought into being.

- Way back in center field.

Way back, back.

It is--oh!

narrator:
Babe Ruth calling his shot...

[stirring music]

Kirk Gibson making magic...

♪ ♪

- High fly ball
into right field.

She is gone!

♪ ♪

narrator: And Homer Simpson...
- Ooh!

narrator:
Getting hit on the head.

This is the story
of a simple man.

A godly man.

A man hungry
for greatness and food.

A man who proved that with
a little luck, a lot of faith,

and a freakishly
large cranium,

even a small-town
nuclear power plant employee

with big dreams
and an even bigger belly

can make it to the National
Baseball Hall of Fame.

It's the extraordinary tale
of "Homer at the Bat."

♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

- You know, people forget
what it was like back in '92.

Here at home, Elizabeth Taylor
had just gotten married

for the seventh time, I think.

- Married?

No!

- Rollerblade Barbie was
literally catching fire

when you tried
to make her skate.

Abroad, the Soviet Union
had just collapsed.

Curling was winning raves
as a new Olympic sport,

And a British court was
deciding the legal difference

between a biscuit and a cake.

Apparently, over time,
a biscuit gets softer,

while a cake gets
harder as it ages.

Now, I think that's ridiculous,

because everyone knows biscuits
get all stiff and crusty too,

but to say it was a weird
and confusing time,

well, that understates it.

So, more than ever,
America needed heroes,

and Springfield provided them.

narrator: Springfield was
a sleepy town of 30,000,

full of clowns...
- [cackling]

narrator: Drunks...

- Thanks for the lift.

narrator:
And attempted murderers.

The settlement was founded
by Jebediah Obadiah

Zachariah Jedediah
Springfield,

a silver-tongued pirate

whose genitals had the honor
of being crushed

by George Washington himself.

It was in 1796

when Springfield and his
partner Shelbyville Manhattan

led a band of followers
into the American frontier.

But the two men soon
had a falling-out.

The disagreement:
whether a community

should allow its citizens
to marry their cousins.

- I--I thought that was the
whole point of this journey.

- Absolutely not!

narrator: Shelbyville heartily
endorsing the prospect,

with Springfield
firmly against.

- What--what are you talking
about, Shelbyville?

Why would we want
to marry our cousins?

- 'Cause they're so attractive.

narrator: It was often said
in Shelbyville's defense

that he had the more
attractive cousins.

Alas, there was
little to be done.

The great explorers
parted ways,

establishing
the separate twin cities

of Springfield
and Shelbyville.

And though the towns' founders
soon died

of bear attacks
and diphtheria,

a rivalry was born.

- Springfield's a pretty
cool place to live.

- Springfield sucks!

[tense music]

- Hey, stop talking bad
about my town, man.

- Well, everyone knew
that the Shelbyville

nuclear power plant team

would make it to
the championship that year.

Shelbyville was basically
the Yankees of Shelbyville.

But the Springfield
nuclear power plant team...

- Look, I'm not
afraid to say it.

Uh, we was in it for the beers.

- Okay, let's go over
the ground rules.

You can't leave first
until you chug a beer.

Any man scoring
has to chug a beer.

You have to chug a beer

at the top of all
odd-numbered innings.

Oh, and the fourth inning
is the beer inning.

- Hey!
We know how to play softball.

narrator: And yet, despite
their unrivaled ability

to chug a beer,

few gave the Springfield
power plant boys a chance.

[bat thwacks,
crowd cheers]

[cheering, gunshots]

- The Bad News Bears
would have beaten 'em.

The Cleveland Indians
would have beaten them,

before the Wild Thing
got his life all cleaned up.

A White Sox farm system with
Michael Jordan batting cleanup

could take them down.

- You know, we have these
unreasonable expectations

of our baseball heroes.

We want them to be
good at life,

as well as good at baseball.

But Springfield? Jeez...

They were horrible at both.

- Anyone can be good
at two things at once.

That's just called
multitasking.

But it takes someone special

to be bad at
two things at once.

That's so rare,
there's not even a word for it.

- Homer, last year
we were 2 and 28.

- Look, I know it wasn't
our best season...

- Actually, it was.

- Well, this year,
it's gonna be different.

- Oh, yeah?
What makes you so damned sure?

- I have a secret weapon.

narrator: The Wonder Bat.

- He'd locked himself
out of his house again.

You know, most people,
I had to wrestle the keys

out of their hands
when they left the bar,

but not Homer.

He always remembered
to just forget 'em.

- He stopped at the Kwik-E-Mart
on his way home.

He wanted one of those
little cocktail umbrellas,

so I asked him if he was sure

he did not mean
a normal umbrella,

since it was raining outside,

but he just said,
"How fat do you think I am?"

- I warned him
not to stay outside,

since there was
a thunderstorm and all,

but he just goes, "Oh, yeah?

Talk to me when there's
a lightning storm."

So I told him,
"All right, look,

"just make sure
you don't pick up

"any large pieces
of sheet metal

or anything
when you're out there."

And, uh, well, I think
that's where he got the idea

to pick up the large piece
of sheet metal.

What an idiot.

narrator: As Homer stood
outside his house with nothing

but a highly conductive
aluminum alloy

to shield him
from the heavens,

divine intervention
intervened.

[lightning rumbles, strikes]

- To be down there with
sheet metal over his head

and right under a big tree,

not a lot of people
would have done that,

but what did he get out of it?
Wonder Bat.

- Apparently some lightning
hits the tree or something,

and suddenly,
Homer thinks the wood

is imbued with some sort
of home run magic.

- Ah, yes, the old timber
thaumaturgy transmogrification

via electrical inducement
by a jovial ignoramus.

We, uh--we see this
all the time.

- Everyone knows it doesn't
matter which bat you use.

It's just superstition.

- The bat doesn't matter.
- The bat doesn't matter.

- Yeah, but who are you
gonna believe? Them or Homer?

- Them. Next question.

- Oh, definitely not Homer.
No...

I--I'm going to have
to go with them.

- Some people say
there's no such thing as magic,

but those people
aren't magicians.

Check it out, boys:
my magic bat.

- That's it?
- Yeah, I got a magic bat too.

- And I got
an enchanted jockstrap.

- [blows raspberry]
[laughter]

- Yeah, just watch.

narrator: Suddenly,
the slugger from Springfield

couldn't miss.

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

- Ahh!

- You know, people would come
up to him in the bar and say,

"Homer, since when
do you hit home runs?"

And he'd just say,
"There's a reason my name

ain't 'Pop-up Foul,' huh?"
[chuckles]

- You know, when Homer was

hitting a home run
every at-bat,

there was something going on
that wasn't natural.

I thought it was more

supernatural
than anything else.

- Yeah, it kind of changed
everybody's perception

of baseball, you know?
It became almost magical.

I mean, Homer Simpson
was incredible.

narrator:
Springfield's meteoric rise

through the standings
was immortalized

by the game call
of Homer's wife, Marge,

who spoke for every
Springfieldianite

when she rolled her camcorder,

aimed it down
from the bleachers,

and rapturously declared...

- And the next man
wants to hit the ball too.

And he does.

And there he goes,
off in that direction,

and everyone is happy.

- I was nine years old when
I heard Marge make that call,

and even then,
I remember thinking,

"It is about time a woman
gets to tell it like it is."

- Next thing you know,

the Springfield
nuclear power plant team

is headed to
the city championship.

I couldn't believe my eyes,

and I didn't even have
pinkeye at that time.

There was just one problem.

- Mr. Burns.

- Hyah! Hyah!

narrator: Mr. Burns
was Montgomery Burns...

- [screams]
- Excellent.

narrator: The irascible
and antediluvian owner

of the Springfield
nuclear power plant.

- [laughs, sneezes]

narrator: And de facto manager
of its softball team.

A millionaire member
of the Millionaire Club,

Mr. Burns was
as surprised as anyone

by his employees'
miraculous success.

As the thrill of victory

rattled through
his varicose veins

and spiked his heart rate

to dangerously
moderate levels,

Shelbyville's owner decided
to raise the stakes.

- The Gladiators from my power
plant will crush your team

like nine flabby grapes.

- I disagree.

- Would you care to bet
$1 million on that?

- No, if we're going to bet,

why don't we make it
interesting?

- What, $1 million
isn't interesting to you?

- Oh, did you say $1 million?
I'm, uh--

I'm sorry,
my mind was elsewhere.

I thought you would start
with a small amount,

then we would bait
each other and--

well, you know how it goes.

Yes, certainly.
$1 million will be fine.

[chuckles]

- $1 million dollars was
a lot of money back then.

In today's money,
that's over $1 million!

[cash register dings]

- Necessity is the mother
of all invention,

and he needed to win
that $1 million,

and by doing that, I think
he unearthed some things

that are still used
in the game today.

- If you're Mr. Burns,
you're thinking,

"Hey, I've got to make sure
I win this thing.

"I can't just
throw away $1 million.

"I mean, I can, because
I'm freakin' loaded,

but it's the principle
of the matter."

So what do you do
if you need a sure thing?

- You cheat.

You cheat in the most blatant
and extravagant way possible.

[bat thwacks,
crowd cheering]

narrator:
With no time to spare,

Mr. Burns got down to business
with his underpaid,

overworked, and under-loved
assistant, Waylon Smithers.

Their plan was simple.

- Professional baseballers.

We'll give them token jobs
at the plant

and have them play
on our softball team.

Honus Wagner, Cap Anson,
Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown.

- Uh, sir.
- What is it, Smithers?

- I'm afraid all those
players have retired

and, uh, passed on.

In fact, your--
your right fielder

has been dead for 130 years.

- Damnation!

- I was so impressed

with Mr. Burns'
knowledge of baseball.

I mean, he had
Honus Wagner at short,

and he had Harry Hooper
in the outfield,

the star
of the 1912 World Series.

And the knockout, of course,
was Creighton in right field,

because who has heard of
Jim Creighton except maybe me?

And Burns knew everything
about baseball

except who was living
and who wasn't.

One might argue that Mr. Burns
tilted the tables unfairly.

He was cheating.

Now, there is nothing
more venerable and honored

in the national pastime
than cheating,

or at least attempting to.

[soft instrumental music]

narrator:
The so-called Black Sox

were heavily favored in 1919,

when eight of the star players
for the Chicago White Sox

conspired with gamblers

to intentionally lose
the World Series.

The scandal that followed
would rock the baseball world.

Once-beloved heroes
like Buck Weaver

and Shoeless Joe Jackson

were banned from the game
for life,

condemned to die in infamy.

- So Mr. Burns was very much
in the tradition

of the national pastime,
which was,

win any way you can,
as long as you're not caught.

narrator: Mr. Burns' orders
to Smithers were clear:

Find nine good, living players
to field the greatest team

the world had ever seen.

No bad people,
like Lenny Leonard...

- Ah!

narrator: No dead people,
like Ty Cobb,

and certainly
no bad dead people,

like Tony Suck,

who was as dead as he looks,
and as bad as he sounds.

With the game
fast approaching,

Smithers set to work.

- I'm on my way, sir.
- Oh, and Smithers...

You have 24 hours.

- [gulps]

narrator: First up,
Jose Canseco,

a powerhouse left-fielder

famed for his puritan ethic
and teetotaling ways.

- Nobody cares about you
either, fat-ass.

- [whispering]

- I get $50,000
to play one game?

- [chuckles]
That's right, Mr. Canseco.

- Well, it's a pay cut,
but what the hey.

It sounds like fun.

Oh, our team
could beat everybody.

We had the best team
in the universe.

They picked, from my era,

from my time,
the best players around.

narrator:
Off to a promising start,

Smithers then approached
Mike Scioscia,

at the time, the star catcher
for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

- Are you Mike Scioscia?
- That's me.

- Uh, how do you like
working for the Dodgers?

- Well, it's okay,
but sometimes I wish

I had something
a little more blue-collar,

you know, with big machines
and cool dials and stuff,

like an oil refinery
or a hydroelectric plant.

- We should talk.

narrator: A chance to work
at the Springfield

nuclear power plant
was the opportunity

Scioscia had been waiting on
for a lifetime.

And who could blame him?

To work a blue-collar job
in a nondescript town

was to live
the American dream.

Next, Smithers headed
to Graceland,

home of Elvis Presley.

There, standing conveniently
near the gift shop,

was a future Hall of Famer

getting his first look
at the good life.

- Man, oh, man,
what a lifestyle.

- Excuse me,
are you Ozzie Smith?

- Yes.
- I have a proposition for you.

narrator: In the meantime,

the rest of Mr. Burns' lineup
fell into place.

- Are you Don Mattingly?
- Yes.

Yes, I am.
Come in. Come in.

Can I get you something?
What's your name?

[upbeat jazz music]

- How would you like
to be a ringer

on a small-town
company softball team?

- Would I?

[upright bass whooshing]

Oh, I heard of Homer
from his days

with the Springfield Isotopes.

Thought I might be able to pick
up some of those dance moves.

narrator: Before leading his
team to the city championship,

Homer had been best known
to the sport of baseball

for his brief but memorable
stint as Dancin' Homer,

the caped and crunking mascot
for the Springfield Isotopes.

- Go, Dancin' Homer.
Get up, man. Get up.

narrator:
Though Homer's tenure

on the town's reliably
pathetic minor league team

would inevitably end
in humiliation and disgrace,

his posterior gyrations
would go on

to inspire the likes
of MC Hammer

and a whole generation of zany
and inscrutable youth.

But by the time
Mr. Burns unveiled

his new team of ringers
at the power plant,

Dancin' Homer was calling
himself Home Run Homer,

and the intoxicating joys
of the boogie-woogie

were a distant thought
on a suddenly sobering day.

- And now I'd like to introduce
the new members

of our happy
power plant family,

our new security guard,
Roger Clemens...

- Hello.
- Our new janitor,

Wade Boggs...
- How you doing?

- Our new lunchroom cashier,
Ken Griffey Jr...

- Hey, what's up, guys?
- Our new--well, uh--

we'll make up jobs
for these fellas later.

Please say hello to Steve Sax,
Don Mattingly,

Darryl Strawberry, Ozzie Smith,

Mike Scioscia,
and Jose Canseco.

- Wow.
- Wow.

- Was it the greatest team
ever assembled?

Those 27 Yankees,
they were pretty damn good.

But were they strong enough

to beat the Shelbyville
nuclear power plant team?

- You betcha.
- Absolutely.

- Even Yogi Berra
would have said

that that game was over
before it started.

- Yeah, sure, you know,
they were great or whatever.

We were even a little
starstruck for a moment,

but, you know, then it hit us.

- Mr. Burns, with them
on the team, you won't need us.

- Well, duh.

- All I remember is closing
my eyes and thinking, "D'oh."

You're Darryl Strawberry.
- Yes?

- You play right field.
- Yes.

- I play right field too.
- So?

- Well, are you better than me?

- Well, I never met you,
but...yes.

narrator:
The truth can hurt,

but as the team
would soon learn,

so can baseball.

[bat thwacks,
crowd cheering]

- You always feel bad about
pushing out the little guy,

but at the same time,
it's not your fault

if you're the best
players in town.

- The country.
- The universe.

- Simpson was heartbroken,
or at least he was hungry,

but that is how you know
that he was heartbroken.

- You make me sick, Homer.

You're the one who told me
I could do anything

if I just put my mind to it.

- Well, now that you're
a little bit older,

I can tell you that's a crock.

No matter how good
you are at something,

there's always about a million
people better than you.

- Gotcha.
Can't win. Don't try.

- If you're Homer,
that's a tough lineup to crack.

I mean, you got Don Mattingly,

who has the strength
of ten men...

- This one by Mattingly!
Oh, hang on to the roof!

Good-bye, home run!

- Jose Canseco, who just came
right out of left field...

- Canseco back to the track,
looking up.

It is off his head,
it looked like.

- Mike Scioscia,

who happened to think
like a machine operator,

which is the next best thing
to a machine itself.

- Oh, my!
Scioscia did it again.

- And that was just
the bottom of the lineup.

- It's fair to say the odds
were stacked against Homer,

but it's also fair to say
that no coach

had ever been more fair
than Mr. Burns.

He was gonna make
those players earn it.

- As your new manager,
I want to say this up front:

No one is assured a spot
in the starting lineup.

I don't care if your name is
Steve Sax or Darryl Strawberry

or--Smithers, what's one
of the bad players' names?

- Homer Simpson, sir?
- Or Homer Simpson.

narrator: Even so, some of
Mr. Burns' coaching methods

came to be viewed
as nontraditional,

even by the standards
of the Wild West ways of 1992.

- I'd put it this way:
it was one of those

Goldilocks eras
for the country.

Instead of being just right,

everything somehow
felt just wrong.

And not to harp on that
cake versus biscuit thing,

but a thing like that
could [bleep] you up.

narrator:
If you went to the movies,

you saw a sad man declare

we were running out
of Mohicans.

[guns fire]

If you picked up a paper,
you read a sad man swear

that all was not definitely
exactly as it seemed.

- The charges are false.

narrator:
If you turned on the radio,

you heard a sad man
beg you to stop communing

with his achy breaky heart.

The only solace to be found
was on the small screen,

where well-meaning
men and women

could take a deep breath,
crack open a Crystal Pepsi,

and be soothed
by the inspiring lives

of their fellow Americans

on the brand-new
"Jerry Springer Show."

- Thank you.
Hey, welcome to the show.

[crowd yelling]

- The whole country
was suffering

from an existential crisis,

and when nothing matters,
neither do the rules.

- You are all
very good players.

all: We are all
very good players.

- You will beat Shelbyville.

all:
We will beat Shelbyville.

- You will give 110%.

all: That's impossible.
No one can give more than 100%.

By definition, that is
the most anyone can give.

- All that said, I once
almost coaxed a lab rat

into giving 110%.

Uh, the test results
were very promising,

but after further analysis,
it turned out that,

well, the rat was
just bad at math.

- Even I could have told that

pink-panted rodent lover
that much.

I mean, rats,
they're just like youse and me.

- Yeah, but it's
not like the team

was just staring at yo-yos
all day long.

You know,
there's that old mantra,

"Practice, practice, practice"?

Well, those guys wanted it so
bad, they practiced four times.

"Practice, practice,
practice, practice."

They were not screwing around.

- Oh, Homer, he left it all out
there on the field, all right.

Had to keep telling him
to put his clothes back on.

- Look, we all knew it's not
the hours you put in;

it's what you put in the hours.

So we were gonna
spike those hours

with all the booze
we could find.

But then, Coach threw us
another curveball.

- Instead of beer, from now on,
you will all be drinking this.

It's a brain and nerve
tonic, rich in proteins

and electromagnetic juices.

It promotes robust health.

Of course, it has been
known to cause gigantism,

but only in rare cases.

Try some!
- [slurps]

Wow, it's like there's
a party in my mouth,

and everyone's invited.

- Medical science was still
in the Stone Ages back then.

Mr. Burns had them drinking
a brain and nerve tonic,

when we didn't even know

the brain was
made up of nerves.

narrator: But for a coach
who seemed eager

to break all the rules,

there was one rule
on which he refused to budge.

- Mattingly, get rid
of those sideburns.

- What sideburns?
- You heard me, hippie.

- Sideburns are hair
growing from the head

down the side of the ear,

and they can be as short
as the top of the ear,

or they can be as long as
growing right into a mustache.

narrator: Variations
on this sultry styling

have been known
to grace the faces

of a good many of
the world's greatest men,

from Alexander the Great

to Prince Albert
to Elijah Wood.

The term originated from

a Union general
of the Civil War

known for his most
unorthodox whiskers,

General Ambrose Burnside.

- Look, at the end of the day,
fashion is about attitude,

and Don Mattingly simply
had the wrong one.

- The Yankees getting worked up
about my hair, fine.

But Springfield?

You expect better

from a high-class establishment
like that.

narrator:
The day before the game,

the players took the field

for one last round
of practice.

But already, the cracks were
beginning to show

in the bat that was
the Springfield ringers

in a metaphorical
bat-based scenario.

- I look at everything from
a pitcher's perspective,

and from a pitcher's
perspective,

you have to have a catcher.

- And all of a sudden,
their catcher goes missing.

- The opportunity to work
around nuclear materials

was very appealing to me,

and I thought it was
a once-in-a-lifetime shot.

[whistling]

- Hey, Scioscia,
I don't get it.

You're a ringer, but you're
here every night in the core

busting your butt
hauling radioactive waste.

- Well, Carl,
it's such a relief

from the pressures of
playing big league ball.

I mean, there, you make
any kind of mistake, and boom!

The press is all over you.

Uh-oh...
- Ah, don't worry about it.

- Oh, man,
is this ever sweet.

We had a little accident
at the plant.

Some of it was my doing.

Some of it was
obviously oversight,

but I don't want to throw
anyone under the bus right now.

- That good-for-nothing
Scioscia

was a total amateur.

He didn't even spill
the whole barrel.

narrator: As the practice
drew to a close,

Homer had one last chance

to prove he could hang
with the very best.

[bat thwacks]
- I got it! I got it!

- Yes!

- Hey! I called for that.
- Put a lid on it, Simpson.

narrator: And fortunately
for the former mascot,

he still had
his secret weapon.

- These guys aren't so tough.
I've got Wonder Bat.

- Homer steps up to the plate,

and you know it's
make-or-break for him.

- In every player's career,
there comes a time

when you put up or shut up.

- Well, what are you supposed
to throw to a guy

that hits it out of the park

every time he steps
to the plate?

- There's an old saying
in baseball:

"Babe Ruth is dead.
Throw strikes."

- Oh, no,
it broke Coach's heart,

finding out about
the Babe like that.

[stirring music]

[baseball whooshes]
- [screams]

- Yeah.

- You could see
that one coming.

- [exhales]

narrator:
With the lineup set,

Mr. Burns instructed
his players

to get to sleep before 7:30
and not consume any cola.

- Make no mistake,
they pack a wallop.

- Sure do, skip.
- Yes.

narrator: Aside from the brief
but notable sideburn incident,

all seemed to be
going as planned

the night before the big game.

- Everyone knew
they had it in the bag.

- Unbeatable.
They couldn't lose.

- If you played that game
1,000 times,

they would have won that game
1,000 times.

Literally, all they had to do
was show up the next day.

- Smithers, there's no way
I can lose this bet,

unless, of course, my nine
all-stars fall victim

to nine separate misfortunes

and are unable
to play tomorrow,

but that will never happen.

Three misfortunes?
That's possible.

Seven misfortunes?
There's an outside chance.

But nine misfortunes?
I'd like to see that.

- As Jose Canseco once said,

the greatest misfortunes
are the ones that never happen.

- Why would I say that?

That doesn't make
any sense at all.

[stirring music]

narrator: Mere nanoseconds
after Mr. Burns tested fate

with his cocksure proclamation

that no more than
nine misfortunes

could befall his ragtag team
of major league all-stars,

Springfield's quest for
its elusive first championship

veered to the side
of the road.

- What a nice little town.

Maybe I'll buy a home here
when I retire.

[siren blaring]

[tense music]

What seems to be
the problem, officers?

- That's enough out of you,
smart guy.

- Reach for your license...

[gun clicks]
Slowly.

- Well, well.
Steve Sax from New York City.

- I heard some guy got killed
in New York City

and they never solved the case.

But you wouldn't know
anything about that,

now would you, Steve?

[laughter]

- But there's hundreds

of unsolved murders
in New York City.

- You don't know
when to keep your mouth shut,

do you, Saxy boy?

Yeah, we got him in
New York City for half of '89,

half of '90, half of '91.

That's, uh--
that's opportunity right there.

- What was I doing
in New York City then?

I was playing baseball, man.

I was--I was playing for
the New York Yankees,

minding my own business.

I had absolutely
no motive whatsoever.

- I mean,
this was the early '90s.

The whole country
was in the dumps.

If you didn't need a motive
to get out of bed,

you definitely
didn't need a motive

to put 600 bodies
in the ground.

- That's what? A new murder
every other day for four years.

That's an unsustainable murder
rate for a hardened criminal.

- Look, all I know is,
he sure was eager to skip town

and come to Springfield.
[chuckles]

Sounds like a man
who stole some souls to me.

- I had a hard enough time
stealing second base.

I knew it was something deep.

I knew it was
some sort of a conspiracy.

Something very sinister
was going on,

and there was somebody that was
putting these cops up to this.

- All I'm at liberty to say
about Steve Sax is,

we are still
investigating the matter.

narrator:
Meanwhile, over at

the Springfield
General Hospital,

the situation was
getting radioactive.

- Uh, Mike,
try to lift your arm.

- [weakly]
Can't lift arm

or speak at normal rate.

- Well, I'm afraid
you have a case of

acute radiation poisoning,
Mr. Scioscia.

- Will I be able

to play softball tomorrow?

- [chuckles]

No, by tomorrow, you'll
barely be able to breathe.

- Oh, man.

The hair loss,
the nausea, the diarrhea,

all that fades away,
but hauling contaminants

down the utility duct
of sector 7G,

memories like that
can last you a lifetime.

narrator: Unfortunately,
not every player was enjoying

such a pleasant
near-death experience.

- Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey Jr.
needs to see you immediately.

We think it's an overdose
of nerve tonic.

- Good Lord! Gigantism!

- We talk about celebrities
having so-called big heads

or inflated egos.
They're larger than life.

That kind of language
was very triggering for Ken

after he actually had
the onset of gigantism.

- We've all fractured bones,
torn ligaments, ripped muscles,

dislocated shoulder,
broken hearts,

but when you start
playing little league,

no one ever warned you
about gigantism.

- If any parents are out there
watching with their kids,

you sit 'em down right now,
and you tell them,

"Stick to the Epsom salts.
Stick to the multivitamins."

And not those gummy bear ones.

They're an addiction
waiting to happen.

that would prove
to be a problem

that dark-colored night.

Another trouble color
would be the color red color.

- My baby!
- Don't worry, ma'am,

I'll save your baby.
[baby crying]

[dramatic music]

- Oh, thank you, Mr. Canseco.

[cat yelps]
My cat!

- Never fear, ma'am,
I'll save your cat.

♪ ♪

[piano music playing]

- [gasps] My player piano!

- Oh, man.

[flames whoosh, crackle]

It is a darn big issue
of us big guys

always carrying the load,

having to physically help
everyone out all the time,

and I think we ought
to talk about it.

You know, we get tired.
We're human beings.

We have emotions too.

narrator:
But while Canseco

endured the sobering
egocentrism

of the town's
most helpless denizens,

Wade Boggs was getting drunk.

- And I say, England's

greatest prime minister
was Lord Palmerston.

- Pitt the Elder.

- Lord Palmerston!

- Pitt the Elder!

- Okay,
you asked for it, Boggs.

[grunts and wallops]

- Yeah, that's showing him,
Barney.

Pitt the Elder.

- Lord Palmerston!

[grunts and wallops]

- You gotta blame Springfield's
beer culture for that one.

That said, Pitt the Elder
was a brilliant orator,

a man of the people,
and vehemently anti-corruption.

Lord Palmerston was a hack
who bought the press

and stoked nationalist fears
to consolidate support

among the uneducated masses.

The answer was plain...

- Lord Palmerston!
- Pitt the Elder!

- Both Palmerston
and Pitt the Elder

were hopeless ingenues.

Any Brit worth their salt
and with a half-decent butler

will tell you the greatest-ever
British prime minister

was Margaret Thatcher.

Ah, the way
she dismantled society.

narrator: It may remain
one of the great mysteries

of the 20th century.

What was Margaret Thatcher
thinking?

But not the greatest.

- How long does it take
to see this thing?

I'm kind of in a hurry.

- Well, it's hard to say,
my friend.

Once you go in,
you may never come out.

- Wow. One, please.

Ahh!

Cool!
[camera shutter clicks]

Ahh!
- [snickers]

- Many times,
I feel like I'm still

in the mystery spot,
you know?

World going round
and round and round,

and it was, uh--
it was quite a fall.

- So, the mystery spot
is not a spot at all.

It's an anti-gravitational
vortex

that bisects
the space-time continuum

and redistributes
the composition of matter

on a subatomic scale,

and right now,
that's all we really know.

- Losing Ozzie to the mystery
spot was a terrible blow,

but at the same time,
if you're Mr. Burns,

you ought to be saying,

"Hey, that's only six
misfortunes."

narrator: Instead,
when he arrived at the field

for the game the next day,

Mr. Burns
went looking for trouble.

He found it, all right.

- Mattingly, for the last time,
get rid of those sideburns.

- Look, Mr. Burns,

I don't know what you think
sideburns are, but--

- Don't argue with me!
Just get rid of them!

- Donny almost got
a complex about that.

I mean, he got on him
three or four times.

- [gasps] Mattingly!

I thought I told you
to trim those sideburns!

Go home!

You're off the team for good!
- Fine.

I think the only person
more confused than me

at the game was Clemens.

- What about Clemens?

- Sir, he's in
no condition to play.

- [clucking]

- That damn hypnotist!

- At a certain point,
you stop needing a barber

and start needing a shrink.

narrator: Disastrously
down to his actual

power plant employees,

Mr. Burns was forced
to rally the very players

he had so ruthlessly maligned.

His only hope for redemption,

to deliver
an inspirational speech

worthy of Pitt the Elder.

- Patrick Henry's cry
for liberty or death,

Winston Churchill's ode
to the finest hour,

Lincoln's Gettysburg Address--

but just because Mr. Burns
might have been there

for each of those speeches,

that doesn't mean he could
give one of his own.

- [clears throat] All right,
you ragtag bunch of misfits,

you hate me,
and I hate you even more.

But without my beloved ringers,
you're all I've got.

So I, uh, want you to remember
some inspiring things

that someone else
may have told you

in the course of your lives,
and go out there and win!

all: Yeah!

- [sniffles]

- Not so fast, Simpson.

The man who plays your position
is still here.

Hit the pine.
- Aw.

Come on, this guy already
gets to be Darryl Strawberry.

Now he thinks he can be
employee of the month too?

narrator: But opportunity
is like a Jehovah's Witness.

You never know
when it's going to knock.

[chimes tinkling]

- Boo! Too boring!

Nobody cares about those.
Come on.

Skip ahead
to the ninth already.

Get to the good stuff.

This is taking longer
than a game of cricket,

for crying out loud.

[chimes tinkling]

- Oh, I'll always
remember that day.

Never seen another day like it.

I thought I'd seen
every kind of day there was,

uh, drunk days,
sober days,

uh, Tuesdays,

but that day--

I don't want this
to sound weird or nothing,

but, uh, that day was special.

- There was this feeling
in the air,

this, uh--this whiff
of togetherness.

Anticipation.

The sense that anything
was possible.

I mean, looking back,
obviously we now know

it was just marijuana,
but, uh--

but back then, it just--
it smelled like community.

- Was it going to be easy?
No.

Was it gonna be hard?
Yes.

- Statistically, without
the ringers on the field,

their chances
of winning that game

were about as good
as Patty and Selma

living past 50.

- Yeah, we tried
to focus on the basics.

You know, keep your eye
on the ball,

keep your helmet on your head,

keep your beer in your cozy.

narrator: As the crowd from
Springfield mourned the loss

Though most were happy
to at least see the Straw man

still standing out
in right field,

a few remained loyal
to the Springfield Slugger,

who'd led their team
to the brink of glory.

- You stink, Strawberry!

We want Home Run Homer!

- [singsongy]
Darryl!

Darryl!

both:
Darryl! Darryl!

- Children,
that's not very nice.

- Mom, they're
professional athletes.

They're used to
this sort of thing.

It rolls right off their backs.

- [sniffles]

- When somebody cries
out of one eye,

you know
they're really emotional,

so uh, Lisa and Bart,
shame on you

for starting
the "Darryl" chant.

I thought that was--
that was bush league.

- Oh, grow up.
There's no crying in baseball.

There's barely even
any baseball in baseball.

- If there can be gigantism

and acute radiation poisoning
in baseball,

then I think it's safe to say

there can be crying
in baseball.

narrator: Shelbyville
raced to an early lead,

as peanut bags
flew everywhere.

- Who wants peanuts? Peanuts?
- Over here.

- Peanuts. Hey, whoa!
Oh, peanuts taste good.

Hey, peanuts. We got peanuts.
Need some peanuts? Heads up.

narrator: And Homer scratched
sadly at his testicles,

a sight so depressing,
even Marge had to look away.

With the game quickly
slipping out of reach,

Mr. Burns was forced
to get creative.

- All right, Monty, it's up
to your managerial skills.

What to do?
Smithers, massage my brain.

- Yes, sir.

[cracking, squishing]

- You, Strawberry,
hit a home run!

- Okay, skip.

[bat thwacks,
cars honking]

- [chuckles]
I told him to do that.

- Brilliant strategy, sir.

- Most managers
would have told him

to hit a double there,
a triple at most,

but a home run?

[chuckles]

Pretty daring move.

- You look back at that game,

and that's the moment
the momentum shifts,

and all of a sudden,
these schmucks are saying,

"Hey, we have a chance here."

- So Strawberry huddles us up
in the dugout, and he says,

"You guys can do this!

The best players in the world
fail seven out of ten times."

And it just kinda hits us,
like, "You know what?

"We can fail at least
eight or nine out of ten.

Those pros got nothing on us."
[chuckles]

- Next thing you know,
it's a tie game, 43 to 43.

We looked all the way
back to 1857.

That had never
happened before.

- So you got a tie game,

bottom of the ninth,
two outs, bases loaded.

The stuff dreams are made of.

- Well, dreams are
involuntary responses

to the suppression
of neurotransmitters

during the rapid eye movement
cycle of sleep,

but hey,

why let science get in the way
of a good story?

- Wait, you, Strawberry!

Good effort today.
Take a lap and hit the showers.

I'm putting in a right-handed
batter to hit for you.

- What?
- You're pinch hitting for me?

- Yes.

You see, you're a left-hander,
and so is the pitcher.

If I send up
a right-handed batter,

it's called playing
the percentages.

It's what smart managers do
to win ballgames.

- But I've got
nine home runs today.

- You should be
very proud of yourself.

Sit down. Simpson!
You're batting for Strawberry.

- I am? Whoo-hoo!
- Huh?

- Really?
Is this guy out of his mind?

- I mean,
has he never heard of

- Him swapping out

Homer Simpson
for Darryl Strawberry,

just because
there was a left-hander

on the mound, was genius.

- Yeah, it might have been
a controversial decision.

It might have taken
some sentient beings

who understand the game
of baseball by surprise,

but for once in his life,
I think you can argue

that Mr. Burns was actually
ahead of his time.

This was sabermetrics,
pure and simple.

People forget that Mr. Burns
was Billy Beane

before Billy Beane
was Billy Beane.

If they ever make a movie
about that day,

Mr. Burns would be played
by Brad Pitt.

[pleasant music]

- Yeah, sure.

Screw it. Sign me up.

narrator: And so with
the season on the line,

Homer J. Simpson walked
the long walk from the dugout.

to the batter's box
a few feet away.

It would later be said

that the difference
between the ordinary

and the extraordinary
is that little extra,

and Homer carried with him
an extra 60 to 70 pounds.

Under these very conditions,

the great and mighty
Casey at the Bat

had once
so unceremoniously faltered.

Now at last was Homer's chance

to prove himself
the stuff of legend.

With one swing of the stick,

he could wipe away generations
of heartbreak and suffering,

finally, faithfully,

and fearlessly
bringing his native town

that which it desired most:

a championship trophy
or a championship plaque,

or at least one
of those engraved

and mounted glass
triangular thingies

that is sort of
a half trophy, half plaque.

Really, any of
the three would do.

- Huh?

Ooh!

[crowd cheers]
- [gasps] Oh, dear!

- No, Mom, it counts as a hit!

Dad just won the game!
- Oh.

Well, I guess he'll be happy
when he comes to.

- We won! We won! All right!

[stirring music]

♪ ♪

[all cheering]

- I mean,
anybody can strut up there

and hit a grand slam, right?

But Homer...
[chuckles]

He did it the hard way.

He did it his way.

- The Mighty Homer,
we called him. [chuckles]

He couldn't hear us, of course,

since he was unconscious
and whatnot,

but, uh, you know, anyone
who wasn't concussed that day

can tell you,
there was joy in Springfield.

- Naturally, we all thought
that was the end of the story.

He wins the game,

he's carted off
a comatose hero,

everyone lives
happily ever after.

But then, 25 years later,
completely out of the blue...

- I walk into the break room,
and this guy says,

"Hey, Chief,
did you hear about Homer?"

And I'm like, "Oh, God,
what'd he do this time?

"Get in another high-speed
car chase with Ron Howard?

"Get in another fistfight
with George H.W. Bush?

Or just the thing where
he strangles his kid again?"

But no,
apparently this time, uh,

he got into
the Baseball Hall of Fame.

narrator: For a moment, Homer
lived happily ever after,

but as the Springfield Slugger
would soon discover,

the happily ever after can be
the most trying time of all.

[stirring music]

- Homer Simpson
in the Baseball Hall of Fame?

[chuckles] Unthinkable.

- Growing up, all I cared about
was Frank Thomas,

Rickey Henderson,
and Homer Simpson.

They were gods among men.

If I had even one season
like Homer had,

I'd retire a happy man.

- We tried to sign Simpson
in '93.

I handed the guy a blank check.

But he just said,
"Thanks, Mr. Taxman,"

and used it as a napkin.

narrator:
On May 27, 2017,

in front of a salivating crowd
of Cooperstown's finest,

Homer Simpson was inducted

into the National
Baseball Hall of Fame.

- It is with great humility
I enter the Hall of Fame,

and it's about damn time.

I'm fatter than Babe Ruth,
balder than Ty Cobb,

and have one more finger than
Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown.

- You walk down the hall
at Cooperstown now,

and it's the Babe,
Jackie, Willie, me,

and Homer Simpson?

I don't wanna say
it's like a bad dream,

but it's like
a pretty confusing dream.

- I thought it was
April Fools' Day.

I was sitting at home
and, you know, got a call

that said,
"Yeah, you heard the news?"

I'm like, "What news?"

They be like,
"Homer's in the Hall of Fame."

I'm like, "Really? Really?"

- To make it to
the Hall of Fame,

you have to be
animated, evidently,

and... [chuckles]

So...

and he was just that.

- That's so surreal.

Homer, Hall of Fame.

That doesn't
really go together.

- I know there will
always be people who think

I don't deserve this award,

that the Bad News Bear

was more of
a deserving mammal,

but I always knew
I could do it.

It was just
a matter of finding

an "it" that was doable.

To Cooperstown,
I say thank you,

but more importantly, thank me.

narrator: And so Homer's place
among the game's immortals

was etched into the hallowed
halls of American lore.

- Whoo-hoo!

- You think about the rest
of '92

and the years that followed,

and you can pinpoint that game

as the day this country
started to get back on track.

I think it's fair to say

we wouldn't be
sitting here in 2017

saying to ourselves,

"Gee, everything's
just so perfect!"

- I think to get in
the Hall of Fame,

you either need 3,000 hits,

500 home runs,
or 4 yellow fingers.

- Everyone loves
a fairy-tale ending.

I couldn't have
written it better myself.

narrator: And yet, as much
as the game has remained

in the hearts and minds
of Springfield's fans,

it is the Major League ringers
who hold that day most dear.

- You know that championship
game in Springfield

completely changed our lives.

- It's crazy.

People forget
I won two World Series.

All they remember is
that I was accused of

committing
several hundred murders.

- I still think about it
all the time.

The mystery spot was like
a metaphor for life.

You might know
how you got into it,

but you can't know
what happens when you get out.

- I tell my players every year,

"Baseball's like
transporting nuclear waste

"past an auxiliary
steam reactor.

"Don't do this
because it's your job;

do this because you love
auxiliary steam reactors."

- Sometimes in life, it's not
about what you learned,

but what you didn't learn,

and I can confidently say
that I didn't learn a lot.

narrator: But as much
as the game has remained

in the hearts and minds
of the ringers,

it is the Springfield locals
who hold that day most dear.

- I had to start carrying
his baseball card.

Very profitable, but very lame.

But very profitable.
But very lame.

- It's like Homer said
that night when he came to:

"Dedication plus motivation
minus beer equals success,

"and when you're successful,

you get to drink
all the beers you want."

- Winning the Springfield
championship will always be

my favorite memory
I can't remember.

I was drunk in the beginning
and unconscious in the end.

It's the story of my life.

[cheery organ music]

♪ ♪

- By the way, if there
was a Donut Hall of Fame,

he would kind of be
the Babe Ruth of it.

You don't have a Donut Hall
of Fame without Homer Simpson.

- Homer Simpson represents, uh,

the majority of Americans

who are failed
baseball players.

♪ ♪