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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:29,801 www.titlovi.com 2 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:36,058 Excuse me. Excuse me? 3 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,973 I know you. 4 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,106 Don't I know you? - No. 5 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,869 Hey, hey, hold that door! 6 00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:10,005 You cold? You need something to warm you up? 7 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,516 No. You know what you can do, you can burn this whole place down... 8 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,301 ...so I don't have to do this fucking nostalgia night. 9 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,687 Prepare yourself, it's not as big a house as they thought. 10 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,939 I think the weather kept people home. - See the marquee? 11 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:22,772 It's like Night of the Living Dead. I should fire you for this. 12 00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:25,858 then you'll get a gray hair in a place you thought... 13 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:29,274 ...God would be nice enough to just leave alone. 14 00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:31,819 I'm liking menopause. Makes me surly. JACKIE: Ahem. 15 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,953 Jackie B. - Hey. 16 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:37,161 Jimmie Walker. - Jackie. Jackie Burke. 17 00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:40,873 Man, thanks for coming. I really appreciate it. Thanks for having me. 18 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:45,382 Hey, look. Small crowd, but they're very, very lively. 19 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,838 Well, you know, I can play to one person. 20 00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:49,719 Sometimes I play with myself. 21 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:53,098 Heh. Jackie. It's a family audience. - Good. 22 00:02:53,256 --> 00:02:55,554 you do one joke about a gray snatch hair. 23 00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,890 So you find the gray hair... 24 00:02:58,053 --> 00:03:00,977 And then he said, "Okay. You know you have to brush this on." 25 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:03,813 Which, oh, quelle surprise, I thought I'd just shake it up... 26 00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:06,569 ...pour it down till it quit burning, have a hot apple pie. 27 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:10,149 It's like I'm an addled girl. 28 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:14,411 He goes, "You have to sit there with your legs apart for a half hour." 29 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:18,665 "Sweetheart, I'm from Alabama, how do you think we got the fence painted?" 30 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,912 That's my proudest joke. 31 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:27,878 You're the best under fire! WOMAN 2: We love you, Grace! 32 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:32,968 Miss Grace Under Fire, Miss Brett Butler! 33 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:39,349 How you doing? - If I ever do one of these again, shoot me. 34 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,309 Don't worry. I'll do us both with one bullet. 35 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:45,317 We got a guy coming on now. A legend, ladies and gentlemen. 36 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:50,197 Hickory Dickory Dock, I got to rot! back the clock. 37 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:54,326 That's right. Because we are ready to bring up a young man that... 38 00:03:54,484 --> 00:03:57,203 ...when he was on TV... 39 00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,115 ...there was no electricity. 40 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:04,913 When he was on TV, Little House on the Prairie was just a shack... 41 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,999 ...ladies and gentlemen. -He is devastating... - What am I getting for this gig? 42 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:13,672 You get a percentage of the door. So that's, uh, $11 and a burger. 43 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:16,886 Your commission's gonna be a pickle. - Sure. Like always. 44 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:23,431 The man that you know from the hit sitcom Eddie's Home. 45 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:29,354 Ladies and gentlemen, let's put our hands together for Eddie. 46 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:33,615 Arlene. - Eddie, look. I carved a pumpkin. 47 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,494 Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. 48 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:40,701 Arlene, when your son decides... MAN: We love your hair. 49 00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,662 ...to dress up like a ballerina... 50 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,669 ...it's no longer about trick-or-treating. 51 00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:48,706 Eddie, he's only 11 and a half. 52 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:52,001 Give him a chance to find himself. He needs to explore. 53 00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:54,841 Arlene. Arlene. MAN: Explore. 54 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,425 Arlene! 55 00:04:56,588 --> 00:05:01,515 Mr. Jackie Burke is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. 56 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,895 You staying? - Yeah. I'll drive you home. 57 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:07,641 Jackie Burke is here. Holy cow. 58 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,106 Eddie's home! 59 00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:13,105 ♪ Eddie's home N' 60 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,069 Give it up. 61 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:19,490 Give it up for JJ "Dyno-fucking-mite" Walker. 62 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:25,580 He's the living proof that black might not crack, but it definitely decomposes. 63 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:30,167 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 64 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,882 Yeah. I know a lot of you are here because you love Eddie. Yeah. 65 00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:38,388 Well, I have bad news for you. 66 00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:41,929 Eddie died. AUDIENCE: Aww. JACKIE: Yeah. 67 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,515 Yeah. He died a long time ago, 30 years ago... 68 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,306 ...along with my career and Brett Butler's eggs. 69 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,687 Oh! - Okay. Enough about me. 70 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,319 Let's talk about this abortion of a town you live in. 71 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:57,365 Hicksville! How did they ever come up with a name like "Hicksville"? 72 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:01,445 I looked up "Hicksville" on Wikipedia. It said "inbreeding" and "crystal meth." 73 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:06,667 So why don't you change your name to something more pleasant like Somalia? 74 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,747 But don't worry, Hicksville. 75 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:11,413 When you grow up, you, also, can change your name. 76 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:14,208 I changed my name. I wasn't always Jackie. 77 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:17,173 When I was born, my parents named me, you know what? Jakov. 78 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,507 No! 79 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:23,551 Jakov Berkowitz. Yeah. That's right. It's that big, girls. 80 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:28,268 I mean, even the Jewish kids beat me up with a name like that. 81 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,272 Can I help you all with something, huh? Huh? 82 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,063 What's going on here? - Bachelorette party! 83 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:40,321 Bachelorette party! Oh! 84 00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:43,494 Eight girls sharing one brain. 85 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:47,582 Who's the lucky girl? - I am. Don't look so happy, sweetheart. 86 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,369 Right now, your fiancé's in a strip club licking whipped cream... 87 00:06:50,535 --> 00:06:53,917 ...out of some girl's asshole. 88 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,334 Hey, come on, don't get sad. I'm just breaking your balls. 89 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:00,504 You're getting married to one dick for the rest of your life. 90 00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:05,054 What could be more exciting than that? 91 00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:07,010 Yay! 92 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:10,392 Oh, my God, Jackie. You shouldn't do marriage jokes. 93 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,398 O.J. Simpson was a better husband than you. 94 00:07:13,099 --> 00:07:17,354 It's not about you, you selfish bastard. It's about them. 95 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,943 Keep it light and fun and positive. 96 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:25,488 Marriage will suck every speck of life out of your soul... 97 00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:30,455 ...until there's nothing left but one big, giant, festering sore. 98 00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:34,837 Good luck. 99 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,376 It's not just me. I don't think humans were meant to be married. 100 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,509 I mean, you want a relationship? 101 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:44,589 Get a canary, get a fish. Get a fucking chicken. 102 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,178 Get a dog. 103 00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:49,220 A dog is always happy to see you. A dog doesn't judge you. 104 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:50,808 The dog is just there. 105 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:54,646 I'm late, my dog's like, “Hey, Jackie, no big deal." 106 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,319 I forget to feed him, "It's okay, Jackie. I'm a fat fuck. 107 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,822 I gotta lose some weight. It's all right." 108 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,824 I come home smelling like pussy, and he doesn't get mad. 109 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,451 He just wags his tail and licks my fingers. 110 00:08:04,609 --> 00:08:07,783 Enough of this "dog" shit! Come on, do "Eddie." 111 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,869 Not now, pal, please. Can you help me out? 112 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:13,205 Yeah. No. I didn't come here to hear new shit. 113 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:16,497 I came to see Eddie. MAN 1: Shut up. 114 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:19,212 Hey, Hodor, shouldn't you be down at the playground... 115 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:22,674 ...luring kids into a windowless van? MAN 2: Hodor! 116 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,714 Ha, ha. Hey, I'm the audience. 117 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,850 You're hereto entertain me. You work for me. 118 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,678 Ooh. - You hear that? I work for him. 119 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,353 All right, boss, how about you give me an early Christmas bonus... 120 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,643 ...and tongue my balls. 121 00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:44,358 Calm down. You chose this career, you fucking idiot. 122 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,743 You could've been a doctor or a lawyer... 123 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:50,656 ...but you chose to beg drunken strangers for love and attention. 124 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:54,998 Just try to make everyone happy, so you can go home and jerk off. 125 00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,538 Hey, look, man. I don't wanna fight. Let's be friends. 126 00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:01,083 Can someone do me a favor, get a drink for this guy... 127 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,752 ...and a bag of oats for his wife? 128 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,339 Bullshit. You getting this, Amy? - I don't want that shit in our webisode. 129 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,384 Webisode? Your shit? What web-? What the fuck are you doing? 130 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,473 Welcome to Stand-Up Take Down. 131 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:15,764 Webisode 19. - What you doing? Are you taping me? 132 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,649 This is my show, old man. I'm here to take you down. 133 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,651 Give me that. - No, you give me that mic. 134 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,734 Take me down? What are you doing? - Wanna go joke to joke with me, Eddie? 135 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,821 Take your hands off my mic. - You wanna dance? Let's go. 136 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:29,202 Let go of the mic. - This is my show, buddy. 137 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,577 You getting this, Amy? This is my show. 138 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:33,331 You're the joke, old man. You're the fucking joke. 139 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,242 You want the mic? You want it? - Yeah. 140 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:41,252 Oh, shit! Baby! 141 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,919 What is wrong with you? You crazy bastard! 142 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:48,930 Oh, my God, are you okay? 143 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,057 And I'm here to take you down. 144 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:54,095 What the fuck are you doing, my friend? Give me that goddamn... 145 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:59,107 No, you give me that mic. 146 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:04,237 Your Honor, as you can clearly see, Mr. Severin grabbed Mr. Berkowitz first. 147 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:09,993 Mr. Berkowitz warned Mr. Severin several times to desist, and he refused. 148 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,620 Wanna go joke to joke with me? - Let go of the mic. 149 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,998 Let go of the mic. - You're the joke, old man. 150 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,453 Any objection to probation? 151 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,374 With a strong public apology and substantial community service. 152 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:26,210 Jakob Berkowitz, please rise. JUDGE: Jakob Berkowitz... 153 00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,220 ...the court understands there are mitigating circumstances... 154 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:31,507 ...but nothing excuses your retaliation. 155 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:36,099 It is in the judgment of this court that you serve 100 hours of community service. 156 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,229 You will attend 10 anger-management sessions... 157 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,891 ...and you will make an allocution and an apology. 158 00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:44,023 Do you understand, Mr. Berkowitz? - Yes, Your Honor. -Good. 159 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,859 And in accordance with this agreement, are you prepared to change your plea... 160 00:10:47,021 --> 00:10:48,523 ...from "not guilty" to "guilty"? 161 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:50,909 Yeah. - Yes, Your Honor. 162 00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:57,536 "I admit to assault and battery on Mr. Severin. 163 00:10:57,699 --> 00:11:00,043 I recognize that I acted in a weak and violent manner... 164 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:03,705 ...and I will aggressively take steps to ensure that it will never happen again. 165 00:11:03,872 --> 00:11:07,092 I also apologize to the court and to my fans." 166 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,503 Do you have anything to say to Mr. Severin? 167 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:16,263 Yes, Your Honor. Sorry. 168 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:21,481 Come on, he can do better than that. This is insulting. I'm hurt. 169 00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:26,649 Excuse me, Your Honor, but I think the defendant can do better than that. 170 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,813 Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage. 171 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:31,699 Mr. Berkowitz, you wanna try that again? 172 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,326 Mr. Berkowitz... 173 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:46,711 No. -No? 174 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:50,419 No? - Mm. No. Your Honor... 175 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,758 ...there's no way Mr. Severin could've suffered brain damage... 176 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,640 ...because according to the law, the way I understand it... 177 00:11:55,798 --> 00:11:58,927 ...it has not been proven in this courtroom that Mr. Severin, in fact, has a brain. 178 00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:03,644 Mr. Berkowitz, do not test me today in my court. 179 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:06,150 Look at him now, Your Honor. You can tell by his face. 180 00:12:06,309 --> 00:12:08,482 The look like Donald Trump banged Alfred E. Neuman... 181 00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,272 ...after a night of snorting thalidomide. 182 00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,861 Can he say that to me? - Order in the court. Order in the court. 183 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,026 Mr. Berkowitz, that's enough. - Jackie, that's enough. 184 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:18,241 Let me talk! - All right. JACKIE: It isn't about me, Your Honor. 185 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,907 It's about the fate of humanity, which is in your hands. 186 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,168 Look at him. He's with that woman. They were together that night. 187 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:26,746 What if they breed? Are you serious? 188 00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,007 Objection. - Get him out of here. 189 00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:31,293 Mr. Berkowitz, you are in contempt. LAWYER: We had a deal. 190 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:33,587 The people have changed their mind. No deal. 191 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:37,383 Take him out of here. Nassau County Correctional Facility for 30 days. 192 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,387 Order in the court. Order in the court. 193 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,852 Up the stairs. 194 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,444 All right, gentlemen, lock it in! 195 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,655 Stop at the top of the landing. 196 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:11,083 Walk in four feet and stop. 197 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:23,053 Okay, gentlemen. Ready? Let's give a warm welcome to our newest resident. 198 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:27,273 ♪ He's the king of his castle ♪ 199 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,732 ♪ Eddie's home Where he's making a scene ♪ 200 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:34,614 ♪ Eddie's home With the kid and Arlene ♪ 201 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,194 ♪ Eddie's home... ♪ 202 00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:39,987 Suck my dick, asshole! You gonna be my bitch. 203 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,906 ♪ -or he's gonna kick your ass N' 204 00:14:08,264 --> 00:14:10,983 God, it's freezing. Let me turn on these seat warmers. 205 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,565 Bet you didn't have those in there. 206 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,522 I came up with some good stuff in there. 207 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,737 Smart. Good. 208 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,323 I'd try it out on you, but you never, you know- 209 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:24,456 You have no sense of humor. - No, I don't. 210 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,162 I've never seen you laugh. Ever. 211 00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,202 No, you haven't. - Why is that? 212 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:32,748 Can you imagine if I had to be an audience for all my comics? 213 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,962 "You laughed at his joke, you didn't laugh at mine." 214 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,297 "You think he's funny? He's not even that funny." 215 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:41,340 Forget it. I just react to no one, that way everybody feels equal. 216 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,929 So you call that personal management? 217 00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,015 Your father, at least, had affection for his clients. 218 00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:49,021 Well, affection his clients didn't have for him. 219 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,978 Got you the TV show, and you fired him. 220 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:53,518 No, that was a William Morris package deal. Your father understood. 221 00:14:53,684 --> 00:14:55,482 Great. Just don't talk to me about affection. 222 00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,569 I'm not talking about affection. I'm talking about getting work. 223 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,984 You gotta stay in New York to serve out your sentence, right? 224 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:04,829 There are no money gigs for you here. You can do club work, $30 a show. 225 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:07,786 It will take you 7000 shows just to pay off your attorney. 226 00:15:07,949 --> 00:15:11,999 I will get you Indian Casino, Princess Cruise... 227 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:16,086 ...something like that in a few months. But as you know, they are hiring "Eddie." 228 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:19,093 I mean, I'm- I'm hot now. I'm viral. 229 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:22,222 Take advantage of it. Your father would've known how to do that. 230 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:25,600 "Miller the Killer" I'd call him because your old man would kill to get me a gig. 231 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:29,308 Yeah. Yeah. He loved it when you called him that. 232 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,394 It killed him when you stopped. 233 00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:38,313 Come on. 234 00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,369 Hey. 235 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,588 Hey. 236 00:15:56,747 --> 00:16:00,752 What are you doing here? - Happy Thanksgiving, baby. 237 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,672 Thanks. You said you weren't coming. 238 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,015 I flew in last night. 239 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,802 Get in the car. I'll take you to work. - I'm just gonna take the train. 240 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:11,847 It's freezing. Get in the fucking car. -I'm already- No. No. 241 00:16:12,013 --> 00:16:13,811 I'm not gonna take a limo to the soup kitchen. 242 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,850 I'm not gonna do it. - Goddamn it. Follow us. 243 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,111 Yes, Mr. Schiltz. 244 00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,734 Jesus, it's 80 in Boca. 245 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:23,116 Well, then go home, Dad. 246 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:26,820 Let me make this simple for you: I need you to come back. 247 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,580 That what you wanna hear? - I don't wanna hear anything. 248 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:31,457 The place doesn't work the same without you. 249 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:35,462 Those old people are not happy because you're not there to take care of them. 250 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:38,339 We found something you're good at. Why walk away from that? 251 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,627 See. That's what you do. Don't say things like that. 252 00:16:41,792 --> 00:16:44,215 That's not nice. Don't- - I meant it as a compliment. 253 00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,881 It's not a compliment. How is that a compliment? 254 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:50,473 You make me seem like I'm some kind of problem that needs to be solved. 255 00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,514 Or like I can't figure things- - You are a problem. Heh, heh. 256 00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,770 I'm not doing this on my block. - But I love you. 257 00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:59,607 That isn't love. - Oh. 258 00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,864 My lawyer worked out an arrangement with the court, so you can finish... 259 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,902 ...your community service in Florida. - You can't do that without me. 260 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:08,615 You can't do that without me. 261 00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:12,624 What's in New York for you? You got cheated on. You got dumped. 262 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:16,498 So what? -You got arrested. -So what? -These are not signs of success... 263 00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,379 ...in this city. 264 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,295 Go home, Dad. - Hey. 265 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:26,258 A week from Monday's my birthday and you're having dinner with me. 266 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:30,266 No ifs, ands or buts. You got it? Because... 267 00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:33,477 ♪ You are my sunshine My only sunshine ♪ 268 00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:35,183 You gotta be fucking kidding me. 269 00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:38,225 ♪ You make me happy When skies are gray ♪ 270 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,269 Don't sing. ♪ You'll never know, dear How much I love you ♪ 271 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,733 Okay to dinner. No singing. No more singing. 272 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,240 ♪ Please don't take my sunshine away N' 273 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,278 And having dinner with me is not a gift! 274 00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:52,071 I want a gift too! 275 00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,726 Here he is. The prick who came in from the cold. 276 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,936 Place looks good. 277 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,727 It smells a lot more Jewish than before. -Heh-heh. 278 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:25,988 Hey, Jay. You know my famous brother, Jackie Burke? 279 00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:28,241 How you doing? - Hi, Jay. 280 00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:31,202 Probably needs money. 281 00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:35,414 I need to talk to you. 282 00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,367 I was right'? 283 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,252 Jesus, I was kidding. 284 00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,631 So you need money? - No, it's fine. I'm fine. 285 00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,087 Just doing my community service over at the Apostles Mission. 286 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,252 I was in the neighborhood. Thought I'd say hello. 287 00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,763 Community service? I saw the fucking video. 288 00:18:50,921 --> 00:18:52,719 How could you let a heckler get to you like that? 289 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,601 It wasn't about the heckling. It was the goddamn camera. 290 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,889 You know what they were doing? Trying to use my act for their show. 291 00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:01,478 Create their show out of my act. It was crazy. 292 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,856 You looked crazy. -Yeah. So how are you? -I'm good. You? -Good. 293 00:19:05,019 --> 00:19:08,740 I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Look, the only thing is, I- I- 294 00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:12,118 I lost a lot of gigs the last four weeks because of what happened. 295 00:19:12,276 --> 00:19:15,951 And Miller's re-booking them, but I'm tapped out. I need a little- 296 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:18,207 You know what? You got a lot of fucking nerve. 297 00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:21,336 I don't see you. I don't hear from you. - It happened so fast. 298 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:25,044 They take your phone in prison. - I read in Google News you got arrested. 299 00:19:25,206 --> 00:19:27,083 Like I'm nothing to you. - A lot of naked men. 300 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,718 Am I nothing to you? ls my family? - I was preoccupied. 301 00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,470 Is that why-? Jackie. 302 00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:38,595 Hello, Flo. 303 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:43,724 How nice to see you. - Nice to see you. 304 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,440 Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving to y0u_ 305 00:19:46,602 --> 00:19:50,323 We haven't seen you for how long? - Please... 306 00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:53,234 Well, I was in prison. - Oh, no, long before that. 307 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:56,120 So nice to see you. - Nice to see you too. Nice to see you. 308 00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:58,121 How are the kids? - Kid. 309 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,499 We have one kid. - She's an adult now. 310 00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:04,249 I forgot. Dementia. JIMMY: Yeah. Yeah. -She's getting married. -Is she? 311 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:07,291 Brittany's getting married? I thought she was a dyke. 312 00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:11,211 You say "lesbian", asshole. 313 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,096 Sorry. You're right. I meant "gay." JIMMY: And they get married. 314 00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,974 They can get married. You don't have to come. 315 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:20,640 He doesn't have to come. We sent you an invitation. We heard nothing. 316 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,101 I was in prison. I told you. JIMMY: Before that. 317 00:20:23,264 --> 00:20:24,516 He doesn't have to come if he's busy. 318 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,434 You don't have to come if it's too much trouble. 319 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,194 It's not too much trouble. - If it's too much trouble, don't come. 320 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:31,856 I don't need the aggravation if it's trouble for you. 321 00:20:32,022 --> 00:20:34,241 I don't want it to become a thing. - It's not a thing. 322 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:37,620 If it's gonna be a thing, don't bother. - I don't think it's a thing. 323 00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:41,203 It's not a problem. It's not a thing. I would love to come. I'll be there. 324 00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:46,875 It's a week from Sunday. Yes. - A week from Sunday? I will be there. 325 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:52,969 So you wanna stay and have Thanksgiving dinner after we close? 326 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:57,052 Not really. I have an excuse though, and I'll tell you what it is. 327 00:20:57,214 --> 00:21:01,185 I'm working at the mission. Double the hours off my sentence for Thanksgiving. 328 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:08,146 God forbid you do it because it's nice. 329 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:10,186 I need to speak to you... 330 00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,525 ...when you two are finished. 331 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:16,700 Not in this house. 332 00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:24,125 Oh, she hates me. - No, she doesn't hate you. 333 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:28,166 She doesn't? Yeah, I was fucking with you. Of course she hates you. 334 00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:31,920 You never show up unless you need something. -That's it? -Yeah. 335 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:34,926 Sensitive bitch. None of my wives hated you. 336 00:21:35,085 --> 00:21:38,089 You were never married to any of them long enough to meet me. 337 00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:40,132 So how much you need? 338 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:43,887 I don't even remember. I'm so exhausted. 339 00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,689 Pop liked me better. 340 00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:49,016 Daddy did not like you better. 341 00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:51,561 No, he didn't. - No, he didn't. 342 00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:55,816 Five thousand. No big deal. You know you'll get it back. 343 00:21:57,775 --> 00:22:00,699 "You'll get it back." Yeah, I'll get it back. 344 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,959 Daddy loved you. You know that. He did. 345 00:22:16,669 --> 00:22:20,515 My daughter idolizes her famous uncle. 346 00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,388 You better show up. 347 00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:27,433 Thanks. And bring a gift. 348 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,728 Oh. That's gonna be extra. 349 00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:34,103 Go on. 350 00:22:41,819 --> 00:22:42,911 Growing up... 351 00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:46,165 ...my family celebrated all the Thanksgiving traditions. 352 00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:49,998 My favorite was my Uncle Moshit's telling of the Thanksgiving story. 353 00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:52,584 Anyway. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy- 354 00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:56,584 Wow, did Duck Dynasty get canceled? 355 00:22:56,750 --> 00:23:00,175 Chris Rock, what the fuck are you doing here? 356 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:02,965 Hey, Chris, I was just telling my Thanksgiving story. 357 00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:06,389 Uncle Moshit told me that before the first Thanksgiving... 358 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:09,810 ...the pilgrims thought that turkeys were sex objects. 359 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:13,977 They couldn't fly, and "gobble-gobble" was Puritan for "blowjob." 360 00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:18,444 So when the Indians arrived, right after the Macy's Day Parade... 361 00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:20,700 ...they brought turkeys all trussed up. 362 00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:24,283 They were with cranberry sauce and gravy and potatoes... 363 00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:26,823 ...and the Pilgrims were like- They were pissed. 364 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:30,664 They were like, "What are they doing? They're eating our fuck birds." 365 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,454 But you know, being Puritans, they don't wanna be rude. 366 00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:36,044 But you know what? It turned out... 367 00:23:36,206 --> 00:23:41,929 ...that the turkeys tasted even better than going down on their wives! 368 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:44,802 Yeah! 369 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:47,969 Would you believe that? That's the truth. 370 00:23:48,135 --> 00:23:50,354 So, what do you think the Puritans did? 371 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:54,892 The Puritans stopped fucking the turkeys and started fucking the Indians instead. 372 00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:56,777 That's how we stole their country... 373 00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:59,906 ...and made the turkey our national bird. 374 00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:06,449 Supervisor's office? -There. Yeah. -Up there? -Mm-hm. 375 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:18,587 You really are a piece of shit, you know that, George? 376 00:24:18,749 --> 00:24:21,172 Oh, how is it my fault? 377 00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:22,928 How is this my fault? 378 00:24:23,087 --> 00:24:27,092 I didn't it throw at her. I threw it at you, and she stepped in the way. 379 00:24:27,257 --> 00:24:29,134 That's on her. That's not on me. 380 00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:32,180 Who does that? She does. Are you still seeing her? 381 00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:36,021 Are you with her? You're not with her. You're not with her. 382 00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:39,107 I follow you on lnstagram, you moron. 383 00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:41,488 I see what you're doing. 384 00:24:41,647 --> 00:24:44,742 Fuck you, George. Well, fuck you, then! 385 00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:47,403 No, fuck you, George. 386 00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:50,573 No. I am taking the high road right now. 387 00:24:50,739 --> 00:24:54,994 So are we gonna see each other again, or is this over for good? 388 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:05,091 Fuck you. Goddamn it. 389 00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,840 Kevin, you got the keys? 390 00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,725 What are you doing? - I'm sorry- I- 391 00:25:09,883 --> 00:25:12,602 Why are you standing there, listening to a private conversation? 392 00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:15,139 I wasn't listening. - It's a private conversation. 393 00:25:15,305 --> 00:25:17,808 I wasn't listening. I was- - You can't eavesdrop... 394 00:25:17,975 --> 00:25:20,148 ...on a private conversation. - I wasn't. 395 00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:23,780 They asked me to come up to have you sign this for my hours. 396 00:25:23,939 --> 00:25:27,151 You want the supervisor. That's Bobbi. -She's at the store. -Okay. 397 00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:28,990 And I'm allowed to be here. - Sorry. 398 00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:31,656 I didn't say you weren't. - There's no cell service here... 399 00:25:31,822 --> 00:25:35,455 ...but don't say anything to anyone. Okay? I won't say a thing. 400 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:39,087 Believe me. I will not say a thing. I just don't wanna be that guy George. 401 00:25:39,246 --> 00:25:41,874 What do you know about George? - He's a piece of shit. 402 00:25:42,041 --> 00:25:44,089 Yeah, he is a piece of shit. 403 00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:47,175 You got that right. - Sounds like it. 404 00:25:47,921 --> 00:25:51,179 I know you, right? You're Jackie Burke. I am. 405 00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:54,470 My dad used to love your TV show. We've watched every episode. 406 00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,183 Always nice to meet a fan. 407 00:25:56,346 --> 00:25:59,350 Yeah. Well, we just had the one TV. 408 00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:03,355 Ah. What's your name? - Harmony Schiltz. 409 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,113 Harmony Schiltz? -Mm-hm. 410 00:26:05,272 --> 00:26:07,821 Were your parents in a Nazi barbershop quartet? 411 00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:11,404 Ha, ha. Yeah. - It's always nice to see women laugh. 412 00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,864 Once you can make a woman laugh... 413 00:26:14,031 --> 00:26:17,535 ...then you can make her do anything, they say. I don't know if that's true. 414 00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:20,250 Is that what they say? - It's an old saying. 415 00:26:20,662 --> 00:26:24,045 Like a very, very old saying? Ooh... 416 00:26:35,636 --> 00:26:37,730 Ladies and gentlemen... 417 00:26:37,888 --> 00:26:39,765 ...we are now beginning the third set... 418 00:26:39,973 --> 00:26:43,102 ...with the terrific Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers... 419 00:26:43,268 --> 00:26:45,316 ...from the jazz corner of the world. 420 00:26:45,479 --> 00:26:49,655 Lee Morgan on trumpet, Wayne Shorter on the tenor saxophone... 421 00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:54,163 ...Bobby Timmons on the piano, Jymie Merritt on the bass. 422 00:26:54,321 --> 00:26:57,791 Soul Brothers on the scene now. - Soul Brothers on the scene now. 423 00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,999 Gonna really do a cool one for you. - Gonna really do a cool one for you. 424 00:27:01,161 --> 00:27:04,005 How about a nice hand, everybody, together- 425 00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:07,543 For the one and only Art Blakey and his Jazz Messengers? 426 00:27:32,818 --> 00:27:35,530 Hey, jailbird, what's up? 427 00:27:35,696 --> 00:27:38,748 Hey, Jackie, how's your asshole? Can I get you something? 428 00:27:38,907 --> 00:27:42,081 Like a hemorrhoidal donut? - Get Jackie a Chivas on the rocks. 429 00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:46,127 Buy him a drink, but you won't book him? -Less risky. -Why? 430 00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:50,386 Because he's out of control. Too much baggage. 431 00:27:52,921 --> 00:27:57,552 On my way up there, I saw a group of cops, six of them, on horses. 432 00:27:57,718 --> 00:28:01,438 Can they do real cop stuff? Because every time I see them, they're like: 433 00:28:03,807 --> 00:28:06,060 "Easy. Easy. 434 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,441 Sure, I'll take a picture." 435 00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,490 My parents are immigrants. They're from Taiwan. 436 00:28:15,652 --> 00:28:17,370 They moved to Texas when I was a baby. 437 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:20,829 And I think immigration is fucking crazy. 438 00:28:20,991 --> 00:28:23,619 Can you imagine moving to a completely foreign country... 439 00:28:23,785 --> 00:28:27,335 ...just so your offspring would have more opportunities? 440 00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,802 Then your kid goes into stand-up comedy. 441 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:37,216 I'm Puerto Rican, which means I'm a Mexican with papers. 442 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:40,848 I was a teenage-pregnancy case. That's how we do it in my family. 443 00:28:41,011 --> 00:28:43,855 We have our babies, then we get a job, then we get our periods. 444 00:28:44,431 --> 00:28:48,277 I love New York City, but there's some attitude here. A little attitude. 445 00:28:48,435 --> 00:28:51,279 I could never live anywhere else. 446 00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:56,698 I don't know. It's a great city, but, come on... 447 00:28:56,860 --> 00:29:00,285 ...the greatest city in the world? It's the only place I've ever been- 448 00:29:00,447 --> 00:29:04,042 "What's that smell?" “Oh, that's the greatest city in the world." 449 00:29:04,493 --> 00:29:07,167 If the bathroom door's locked and I got my iPad... 450 00:29:07,329 --> 00:29:09,627 ...you know what I'm doing, so don't knock please. 451 00:29:09,790 --> 00:29:11,713 It's one of those things. Breaks the flow. 452 00:29:11,875 --> 00:29:14,503 Like when you're fucking and the phone rings and it's your mother. 453 00:29:14,670 --> 00:29:18,307 Like, why are you calling me? I'm right next to you. 454 00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:24,063 Oh, I just impr0v'd that. I didn't mean to get blue. 455 00:29:24,221 --> 00:29:27,065 Sorry. Incest, it's the only thing that gets people back at 2 a. m. 456 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:39,407 We like to think RAW TV is the progressive alternative to networks. 457 00:29:39,569 --> 00:29:43,490 She lost me when she said, "We like to think. “ Jackie... 458 00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:47,582 Scared to Death is the most-watched new show on basic cable. 459 00:29:48,078 --> 00:29:50,706 Carol Bock will be right with you. - Thank you. 460 00:29:51,832 --> 00:29:55,302 "Raw" meaning half-baked? No. Raw as in "rough." 461 00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:58,179 You went viral because you beat the shit out of somebody... 462 00:29:58,338 --> 00:29:59,590 ...that's a plus for them. 463 00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:03,511 Scared to Death. Maybe I should've worn my Halloween costume. 464 00:30:05,012 --> 00:30:09,392 Eddie's serving a 15-year sentence for beating a heckler to death. 465 00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:12,437 Where'd that idea come from? Ha-ha-ha. JACKIE: Guess. 466 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,730 Anyway, he becomes the convict king of the prison. 467 00:30:14,896 --> 00:30:19,322 He runs everything. He runs the drugs, sex, extortion, everything. 468 00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:22,454 Any kind of crime that's in the prison, he's in control of. 469 00:30:22,612 --> 00:30:26,537 And then the other gang leaders, the Crips, the Bloods, the Aryan Nation... 470 00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:28,873 ...the Mexican Mafia, they all come to him. 471 00:30:29,036 --> 00:30:31,915 And he's tough, he's ruthless, but funny. 472 00:30:32,289 --> 00:30:36,635 It's like Breaking Bad on acid, but funny. 473 00:30:36,793 --> 00:30:38,670 Main thing is- - And pure Jackie Burke. 474 00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:40,589 You'll write? JACKIE: I'll write the pilot... 475 00:30:40,756 --> 00:30:42,679 ...and I'll punch up all the scripts. 476 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:46,266 Our channel's target audience is 18-24. 477 00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:49,523 He plays to that demo all the time. They will eat this up. 478 00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:52,275 You got a title? - Burke on the Block. 479 00:30:52,976 --> 00:30:55,024 I'm open to anything. You know your audience 480 00:30:55,187 --> 00:30:57,906 Burke on the Block. It's funny. 481 00:30:59,066 --> 00:31:00,989 Okay. Great. 482 00:31:01,151 --> 00:31:03,324 I just have to say, Eddie- 483 00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,706 God- Sorry. 484 00:31:05,864 --> 00:31:08,583 I mean, Jackie. - It's- No. No worries. 485 00:31:08,742 --> 00:31:10,995 Jackie. I can't believe I said that. 486 00:31:11,161 --> 00:31:14,040 It's all right. Don't worry. - The idea's delicious. 487 00:31:14,206 --> 00:31:16,800 Your YouTube video, a lot of hits. 488 00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:22,465 Let me bandy it about with my posse here. There's a lot of stuff to consider. 489 00:31:22,631 --> 00:31:24,349 How much time do you need? 490 00:31:24,508 --> 00:31:28,934 I just have to tell you, Jackie, you are the reason I am in television. 491 00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:30,814 In television comedy. 492 00:31:30,972 --> 00:31:35,569 When I was a kid, I remember laughing so hard at you. 493 00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:39,614 I couldn't wait to grow up. It is so cool to meet you. Thank you. 494 00:31:39,773 --> 00:31:42,617 But, listen, the idea is terrific, and we'll- 495 00:31:42,776 --> 00:31:46,113 Did I hear a "but"? I thought I heard a "but." 496 00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:47,952 Did we hear a "but"? 497 00:31:48,115 --> 00:31:51,961 There's a lot of butts sitting here, but does "but" mean "Give me some time"? 498 00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:55,214 "Let me think about it"? “Maybe never"? "Whatever"? 499 00:31:55,372 --> 00:31:59,297 Jackie, "but" is part of my job description. 500 00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:02,508 But we don't have to go past "but." It's not necessary. 501 00:32:02,671 --> 00:32:06,266 Time is of the essence. Not everybody has a lot of time, especially me "but." 502 00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:09,144 Carol is just explaining that there's a process- 503 00:32:09,302 --> 00:32:11,771 I know the process. She's explaining the process. 504 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:15,813 But the process is we're not interested, "but." Thank you, "but." 505 00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:19,071 And I say, so long, thank you too, "but." - Thanks for coming in. 506 00:32:19,229 --> 00:32:22,108 Thank you. - I will give you a call. 507 00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:27,411 Whoa. Jackie. 508 00:32:27,571 --> 00:32:31,116 You see her fucking feet on that table? - Who does she think she is? -I did. 509 00:32:31,283 --> 00:32:33,752 She is a fan who runs a cable network. - Fucking bitch. Yeah. 510 00:32:33,910 --> 00:32:36,333 She had a neon sign on her forehead that said "no." 511 00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,169 There are new executives out there. 512 00:32:38,331 --> 00:32:41,710 You have to cultivate them. They say "no" now, come back with another idea. 513 00:32:41,877 --> 00:32:45,347 Gonna tap dance for these fucking idiots who don't have an ounce of talent. 514 00:32:45,505 --> 00:32:47,178 They're gonna tell me what's funny? 515 00:32:47,340 --> 00:32:50,890 Being funny isn't enough anymore. - Now you're fired. 516 00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:55,482 Jackie! Jackie, come on! Jackie, please! 517 00:33:02,981 --> 00:33:07,031 It's a little tight on you. I think you should get something bigger. 518 00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:09,663 It's the shirt that makes the man. Right? 519 00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:13,288 You know it. - There you go. This is you. This is you. 520 00:33:13,450 --> 00:33:15,953 You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it. 521 00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,541 Wait a minute. 522 00:33:17,704 --> 00:33:21,709 You're that guy on TV. Eddie's Home, right? 523 00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:25,755 How'd you wind up here? - That's a good question. Here I am. What can I do? 524 00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:27,514 Jail? The slammer? What happened? 525 00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:29,345 I was and had to do community service. 526 00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:32,887 Here I am. Stuck. What am I gonna do? MAN 1: There you go. See? 527 00:33:33,053 --> 00:33:36,683 You guys are all homeless, right? - Yeah. Pretty much homeless. Yeah. 528 00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:39,351 Where are all the bums? The guys that don't wanna work. 529 00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:43,148 What happens with them? I'm getting confused. I want to work... 530 00:33:43,313 --> 00:33:46,237 ...but I don't want any of the jobs I can actually get. 531 00:33:46,399 --> 00:33:50,324 So I guess you could say, for me... 532 00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:53,115 ...it's more- Being a bum is more of a career choice. 533 00:33:53,281 --> 00:33:54,954 True. MAN 1: Gotta do what you gotta do. 534 00:33:55,116 --> 00:33:57,084 That's it. That's what I gotta do. MAN 1: Yeah. 535 00:33:57,244 --> 00:34:00,839 You lie in your own bed, you sleep in it. Good advice. I like that. 536 00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:02,840 Where'd you learn that? - An old wives' tale. 537 00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:05,798 Mike, cover for me for a minute. Okay? - Yeah. 538 00:34:10,966 --> 00:34:13,560 Hi. - Ah! Shit. 539 00:34:13,718 --> 00:34:16,597 You keep sneaking up on me like that. Why do you keep doing that? 540 00:34:16,763 --> 00:34:19,937 I don't know. Maybe it's something I picked up in prison. 541 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,986 By the way, I watched that YouTube video... 542 00:34:23,144 --> 00:34:25,772 ...and for what it's worth, you were absolutely right... 543 00:34:25,939 --> 00:34:28,408 ...to hit that guy in the face with a microphone. 544 00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:30,319 Thanks. - He deserved it. 545 00:34:30,485 --> 00:34:33,614 But my dad's an ex-con, so I don't know what kind ofjudge I am. 546 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:36,078 How many hours did you get? - A hundred. You? 547 00:34:36,241 --> 00:34:38,790 Two-fifty. For what? 548 00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:41,542 Assault. - Me too. 549 00:34:42,497 --> 00:34:45,421 You got a hundred for assault. Why is that fair? 550 00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:48,133 Why does that make sense? That makes no sense at all. 551 00:34:48,295 --> 00:34:51,720 Why should a man get less than a woman? For the same thing. 552 00:34:51,881 --> 00:34:54,976 That makes zero sense. Not that I mind working here... 553 00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:58,230 ...because I really do love being here, but that's bullshit. 554 00:34:58,388 --> 00:35:00,356 What'd you do, get the celebrity discount? 555 00:35:00,515 --> 00:35:02,517 No, they gave me 30 days in jail. 556 00:35:03,977 --> 00:35:07,026 Well, next time, don't hit someone in the head with a microphone. 557 00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,441 Yeah. I was provoked. - Well, I was provoked. 558 00:35:09,608 --> 00:35:12,452 I was provoked. - You found him in bed with somebody? 559 00:35:12,611 --> 00:35:14,989 Yeah. How'd you know? 560 00:35:15,155 --> 00:35:18,409 I've been there. I recognized the key you were screaming in. 561 00:35:18,575 --> 00:35:19,622 So, what'd you do? 562 00:35:20,910 --> 00:35:23,379 I dislocated his jaw, accidentally. 563 00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,381 Well, what about her? 564 00:35:25,540 --> 00:35:31,468 She put her hand up to block a very small lamp, and her wrist broke. 565 00:35:31,630 --> 00:35:33,678 Oh, okay. - So... 566 00:35:34,841 --> 00:35:38,687 You know, I'm sorry, l... 567 00:35:38,845 --> 00:35:43,191 if- I'm sorry I was rude the other day. -No, I wasn't coming on strong. 568 00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:47,400 I hope you didn't think I was. I just figured that you and I are doing time together... 569 00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:50,031 ...so us cons gotta stick together in a place like this. 570 00:35:50,190 --> 00:35:53,989 Motherfucker. 571 00:35:54,152 --> 00:35:55,870 Motherfucker! 572 00:35:56,029 --> 00:35:58,452 Shit! - Oh, okay. 573 00:35:58,615 --> 00:36:02,040 Goddamn it. Shit. 574 00:36:02,202 --> 00:36:04,125 Okay. Okay. 575 00:36:05,330 --> 00:36:09,506 This is the worst day ever. This is the shittiest day ever. 576 00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:12,012 I can't catch a fucking break. 577 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,093 Goddamn it. 578 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:16,849 Shit. I'm sorry. 579 00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:18,601 I don't need- I'm- 580 00:36:18,760 --> 00:36:22,481 You know what? Let's get a broom- This is too messy for- We- 581 00:36:22,889 --> 00:36:26,189 It's all right. It's all right. It's just a bunch of olives. 582 00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:30,071 Hey, look, are you free tonight? 583 00:36:30,230 --> 00:36:32,574 What? - Are you free tonight? 584 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,654 What, like a date? No, I'm not going on a date with you. 585 00:36:36,820 --> 00:36:40,040 We can call it a date, or it'll be an appointment, doesn't matter. 586 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,246 No date. And I'm not sleeping with you. 587 00:36:42,409 --> 00:36:45,788 That's not what I wanna do. - I'm not asking you to sleep with me. 588 00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:48,082 I'm asking you to go on an appointment with me. 589 00:36:48,248 --> 00:36:50,501 Look, you had a terrible day. You just said it. 590 00:36:50,667 --> 00:36:52,761 Let me take you to a place. You might have a nice time. 591 00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:56,219 My life is going great right now, so I don't know if you think... 592 00:36:56,381 --> 00:37:00,011 ...my life isn't going great because I am fine. I'm perfectly fine. 593 00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:03,976 So I don't need you telling me that my life isn't going great... 594 00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:07,018 ...but if I have time tonight, I'll check my calendar... 595 00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:10,483 ...and make sure that I have time. If I do, then maybe I'll go. 596 00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:12,397 Good. So why don't you come? 597 00:37:14,441 --> 00:37:18,115 Well, what time? - After your shift. All right. 598 00:37:18,278 --> 00:37:21,782 So I'll check and see if I'm free, then I'll meet you upstairs after work. 599 00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:24,326 I'll be outside just like the other homeless people. 600 00:37:24,492 --> 00:37:28,167 I'll be on the ground over there. Wake me up. Make sure you wake me up. 601 00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:31,958 So I smell like olives. - Don't worry. Are you gonna help me clean this up? 602 00:37:32,125 --> 00:37:34,753 If you go with me, I'll help you clean it up. 603 00:37:36,129 --> 00:37:38,803 You ever notice that all old Jewish people have the same face... 604 00:37:38,965 --> 00:37:43,220 ...even when they're saying something positive? "It's gorgeous outside. 605 00:37:43,386 --> 00:37:45,889 I'm so grateful I'm healthy." 606 00:37:46,055 --> 00:37:48,274 Are you sure you're okay? You look like shit. 607 00:37:49,017 --> 00:37:52,487 I went to visit my grandmother recently, and all these old Jewish women... 608 00:37:52,645 --> 00:37:55,865 ...sit around and play mah-jongg and all sound like little bees when they talk. 609 00:37:56,024 --> 00:37:59,452 You know, they hunch over: 610 00:38:04,032 --> 00:38:05,079 Salmon. 611 00:38:05,241 --> 00:38:10,247 Anyway, so I go to find her, and she's not there and I go up to her friend Rona... 612 00:38:10,413 --> 00:38:12,757 ...and I said, "Rona, do you know where my grandmother is?" 613 00:38:12,916 --> 00:38:18,343 She goes "I don't know, darling, but I'll let her know you're looking for her... 614 00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:22,100 Trust fund." 615 00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:23,760 Anyway, so... 616 00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:28,433 ...I walk away, and I hear her yell out in the middle of the card room: 617 00:38:28,598 --> 00:38:34,150 "That's Bea Fobman's granddaughter. She's a lesbian magician." 618 00:38:35,855 --> 00:38:39,735 You know what I did? I fucked her and made her disappear. Isn't that amazing? 619 00:38:40,610 --> 00:38:43,534 You guys are awesome. Don't clap. It'll never fill the hole. 620 00:38:43,696 --> 00:38:46,449 Look who's here. Oh, my God. 621 00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:50,871 It's Jackie Burke. Jackie Burke's in the crowd. 622 00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:54,962 That is- I have not seen you in so long. 623 00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:58,719 Isn't it adorable when celebrities bring their hookers to the club? 624 00:38:58,878 --> 00:39:00,972 Isn't that amazing? Isn't that awesome? 625 00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:03,098 What did he do to get you here? 626 00:39:03,299 --> 00:39:05,597 Uh... Ha, ha, ha! 627 00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:09,563 That he would buy me an ass- Ice-cream cone. 628 00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:13,435 “Ass cream" is amazing. That's so cute. 629 00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:17,276 I tasted ass cream, and it is so delicious. 630 00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:18,860 There's all kinds of flavors. 631 00:39:19,023 --> 00:39:22,277 What kind of flavor ass cream would you get if you-? 632 00:39:22,443 --> 00:39:26,038 You need to be careful because those sprinkles will be roofies. 633 00:39:27,824 --> 00:39:31,419 Trust me, I know. I was very sore after that night. 634 00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:34,878 You're giving away my secret, Jess. After everything I've done for you. 635 00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:37,588 I was there for you when you were starting out as a young man. 636 00:39:42,088 --> 00:39:45,179 I always had a bigger dick though. 637 00:39:45,341 --> 00:39:48,971 I did. Always. No, you don't. No, you don't. 638 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:53,233 Wait, wait. You know what, Jess? You're right. Your cock is huge. 639 00:39:54,642 --> 00:39:58,272 So I wanna tell you guys something. It's so good to see Jackie. 640 00:39:58,438 --> 00:40:02,113 Because Jackie is really my mentor. I was opening for him one night- 641 00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:05,699 I mean, comedy. I was opening comedy. 642 00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:09,620 Yeah. We did a Jewish country-club gig. No. It was Italian. 643 00:40:09,782 --> 00:40:12,205 No. It wasn't Italian. It was Jewish. They were Jews. 644 00:40:12,368 --> 00:40:14,791 I went in the men's room. Believe me, it was Italian. 645 00:40:16,789 --> 00:40:19,042 A lot of calzones. 646 00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:24,051 Give him a hand. He's incredible. - My pleasure. 647 00:40:24,756 --> 00:40:29,011 You suck in bed, but you're such a great guy and a great comic. 648 00:40:29,177 --> 00:40:32,852 That was amazing. That was so much fun. I feel like I'm high. 649 00:40:33,014 --> 00:40:37,394 You were so funny. That was- You're so much funnier than Eddie. 650 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:41,656 You're so quick, and, like, do you come up with all that on the spot? 651 00:40:41,814 --> 00:40:45,485 Sometimes. Yeah. That was good. Thank you. 652 00:40:45,652 --> 00:40:48,030 Are you free on Sunday? 653 00:40:48,196 --> 00:40:50,073 No. I'm not. I don't- 654 00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:53,368 No, no. I have a wedding that I have to go to. My niece's wedding. 655 00:40:53,534 --> 00:40:55,502 I don't wanna go- I don't wanna go alone. 656 00:40:55,662 --> 00:40:58,586 I thought, maybe, if you went, you could be my wingman. 657 00:40:58,748 --> 00:41:01,877 We could have a few laughs. - Okay. 658 00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:04,720 Really? -Yeah. -You're free on Sunday? -Yeah. 659 00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:07,132 What, you have no life? - Ha, ha, ha. 660 00:41:07,340 --> 00:41:09,388 But you have to do me a favor. - What's that? 661 00:41:09,550 --> 00:41:12,679 My dad's birthday's on Monday, and... 662 00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,849 ...he asked me for a birthday gift, and you're it. 663 00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:19,227 Do I have to? Yeah. 664 00:41:19,394 --> 00:41:22,613 Okay, okay. -Deal? - Deal. -Ha-ha-ha. Okay. 665 00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:25,867 That was fun. I loved that. 666 00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:43,214 Oh! Ha-ha-ha! Thank you. I appreciate you doing this. 667 00:41:43,376 --> 00:41:44,719 Remember, this is family. 668 00:41:44,877 --> 00:41:49,053 I need 20 more cases of champagne. Ah, Mr. Jackie Burke. 669 00:41:49,215 --> 00:41:51,217 Your brother asked me to wait for you. 670 00:41:51,384 --> 00:41:53,057 You're late. It's already started. HARMONY: Come on. Hurry. 671 00:41:53,219 --> 00:41:55,642 They haven't done the glass-breaking yet, have they? 672 00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:58,024 The glass-breaking part is my favorite part. 673 00:41:58,182 --> 00:42:01,231 The ceremony was an hour ago. We are about to present the brides. 674 00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:04,193 Shit. - Ahem. Uh, nice dress. 675 00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:06,028 Too bad they didn't have it in your size. 676 00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:09,656 How do you get in and out of that thing? - None of your business. 677 00:42:09,819 --> 00:42:12,913 Come on. WOMAN: Everybody, inside. Inside now. Please. 678 00:42:14,615 --> 00:42:19,997 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my honor to present to you the newlyweds. 679 00:42:20,163 --> 00:42:24,543 The Berkowitz-Nelsons: spouses for life. 680 00:42:25,334 --> 00:42:27,086 Everybody stand up. Stand up. 681 00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:31,884 And for their first dance, they've prepared something special for you. 682 00:42:32,091 --> 00:42:35,186 Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! 683 00:42:35,678 --> 00:42:40,650 ♪ We dream the same dream We want the same thing ♪ 684 00:42:40,850 --> 00:42:42,818 ♪ Oh, oh ♪ 685 00:42:43,269 --> 00:42:47,115 ♪ We dream the same dream We want the same thing ♪ 686 00:42:49,942 --> 00:42:52,411 ♪ Here is my case We've got no time to waste ♪ 687 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,823 ♪ 'Cause we want the same thing ♪ 688 00:42:55,364 --> 00:42:56,957 Come on, guys! 689 00:42:57,784 --> 00:43:01,630 ♪ But we don't care what for 'Cause we want the same thing ♪ 690 00:43:03,289 --> 00:43:06,839 ♪ I know we're different now Different as night and day ♪ 691 00:43:07,043 --> 00:43:11,674 ♪ But I still want you I just want you to stay ♪ 692 00:43:13,716 --> 00:43:17,095 ♪ I want to take this chance I want to be with you N' 693 00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:19,556 Hey, you came. 694 00:43:19,722 --> 00:43:22,601 Congratulations. Thank you. 695 00:43:24,352 --> 00:43:26,980 This is my brother, Jimmy. Harmony. 696 00:43:27,146 --> 00:43:30,574 Hi. - Oh! YOU HGVGF cease t0 amaze me. 697 00:43:30,733 --> 00:43:32,576 Very nice. 698 00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:37,707 Oh! This is my wife, Florence. - Hi. 699 00:43:37,865 --> 00:43:41,620 This is Harmony, Jackie's friend. Congratulations. Thanks for having me. 700 00:43:41,786 --> 00:43:44,630 Nice to meet you, and thank you for coming. 701 00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:48,635 Aah! Uncle Jackie! Oh, my God, you came. 702 00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:51,387 Uncle Jackie, this is my wife, Frankie. 703 00:43:51,546 --> 00:43:54,390 Nice to meet you. Congratulations. My Uncle Jackie. 704 00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:56,176 Hi. - Welcome to our family. 705 00:43:56,342 --> 00:43:59,186 You can come meet our friends. Meet our friends. 706 00:43:59,345 --> 00:44:02,098 Come on. Guys, guys. 707 00:44:02,723 --> 00:44:05,146 This is my Uncle Jackie. 708 00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:11,946 This is such a nice wedding, and your daughter, she's beautiful. 709 00:44:12,108 --> 00:44:15,035 Beautiful dress. Kleinfeld's. 710 00:44:15,570 --> 00:44:17,243 And Frankie has a different one. 711 00:44:17,947 --> 00:44:20,871 Yeah. - They're partners, not twins. 712 00:44:21,033 --> 00:44:23,001 Flo, Flo. 713 00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:29,167 Have you known Jackie long? 714 00:44:29,333 --> 00:44:31,381 How did you meet? 715 00:44:31,544 --> 00:44:34,468 I picked him up at the homeless shelter. 716 00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:38,342 Are you gonna talk? JIMMY: Florence, Florence. -Florence. -I'm so sorry. 717 00:44:38,509 --> 00:44:41,729 You gotta make us laugh. - Please. That would be so great. 718 00:44:41,888 --> 00:44:45,062 You're gonna say a few words, right? - I'm just here as a guest. 719 00:44:45,224 --> 00:44:48,394 Just as a guest. BRITTANY: Please. Come on. It would be so great. 720 00:44:48,561 --> 00:44:50,689 Ask your parents. I don't wanna deal with a- 721 00:44:50,855 --> 00:44:53,779 We don't want it to become a thing. - He doesn't want to. He's a guest. 722 00:44:53,941 --> 00:44:57,115 If she's gonna make a thing out of it, then it's gonna be a disaster. 723 00:44:57,278 --> 00:45:01,704 No. For me, for me. You gotta. Please? For us. 724 00:45:01,866 --> 00:45:03,709 Come on. It's my wedding. 725 00:45:06,454 --> 00:45:07,546 Okay. - Y ay! 726 00:45:10,708 --> 00:45:12,710 Thank you! 727 00:45:19,717 --> 00:45:21,594 Come on, guys. 728 00:45:27,141 --> 00:45:28,438 Hey! 729 00:45:31,312 --> 00:45:32,359 Hey! 730 00:45:35,233 --> 00:45:36,530 Hey! 731 00:45:37,652 --> 00:45:39,279 Come on. Let's go. - No, no. 732 00:45:39,445 --> 00:45:41,789 Come on. - I think I'm coming down with something. 733 00:45:41,948 --> 00:45:45,043 You're not coming down with something. - I get nervous up there. Dizzy. 734 00:45:45,201 --> 00:45:48,416 I get dizzy. - To dance? 735 00:45:48,579 --> 00:45:51,503 Whoa! 736 00:45:54,877 --> 00:45:57,304 Come on. Come on. Come on. 737 00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:59,090 Come on, you. You chicken! 738 00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:03,227 Come on. -No. I don't do physical comedy. -You dance. -I'm gonna take her. 739 00:46:03,386 --> 00:46:06,230 Take her. Don't steal her. - Take me. 740 00:46:06,389 --> 00:46:08,812 Come on. Come on. 741 00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:22,663 Dance with me, beautiful. 742 00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,127 Who's the shiksa? 743 00:46:32,081 --> 00:46:33,628 Dance. 744 00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,388 You should be worried, Jackie. 745 00:46:50,891 --> 00:46:54,441 Please. Everyone stand back. Are you all right? 746 00:46:54,603 --> 00:46:56,605 Are you okay? Inhale. Exhale. 747 00:46:56,772 --> 00:46:59,025 Hey. KAROLA: Hey, let go. 748 00:46:59,191 --> 00:47:02,616 It's not my heart we are worried about. Get up, you old letch. 749 00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:06,665 Okay. Come on. 750 00:47:08,284 --> 00:47:12,164 ♪ Nothing at all, baby ♪ 751 00:47:14,415 --> 00:47:18,295 ♪ Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide? ♪ 752 00:47:18,461 --> 00:47:22,887 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby, Would I lie to you N' 753 00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:24,137 That was fun. 754 00:47:24,300 --> 00:47:27,930 Yeah. Well, you're having a good time- - You should've done it. You're not sick. 755 00:47:28,095 --> 00:47:31,065 Whoa! Little shits. Don't push me! 756 00:47:31,223 --> 00:47:32,816 No maternal instinct? 757 00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:35,603 No. My maternal instinct kicks in when I'm 70. 758 00:47:36,395 --> 00:47:38,652 When you're 70? 759 00:47:38,814 --> 00:47:41,863 Were you ever married? -No. -No? 760 00:47:42,026 --> 00:47:44,279 Mm-mm. - Never-? 761 00:47:44,445 --> 00:47:47,574 Seems very unusual that a girl like you is not attached. 762 00:47:47,740 --> 00:47:51,210 I've been attached. It's just never stuck. 763 00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:52,962 You have more questions? 764 00:47:53,120 --> 00:47:56,590 Hi, can I have your attention, everybody? 765 00:47:56,791 --> 00:48:00,135 Thank you. -Brittany. 766 00:48:00,753 --> 00:48:02,755 Frankie and I wanna welcome you... 767 00:48:02,922 --> 00:48:05,175 ...all here tonight. We love you, Frankie. 768 00:48:05,341 --> 00:48:08,436 You can't imagine how happy I am you all came to share... 769 00:48:08,594 --> 00:48:11,765 ...this day with us. - She seems nice. I don't know her that well. 770 00:48:11,931 --> 00:48:17,404 You may have noticed my uncle, Jackie Burke, is here. 771 00:48:18,521 --> 00:48:22,571 Some of you may recognize him as Eddie from Eddie's Home. 772 00:48:22,733 --> 00:48:26,241 Eddie! 773 00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:29,286 But I've known him my whole life. 774 00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:32,543 I still remember him teaching me dirty jokes as a kid. 775 00:48:32,701 --> 00:48:35,625 Before I could say "Dada", I could say "caca." 776 00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:42,717 He taught me the B word, the S word, the F word. Yeah, all of them. 777 00:48:42,878 --> 00:48:45,848 She already knew the C word. She picked it up on her own. 778 00:48:46,006 --> 00:48:48,930 But, seriously, it means so much to me... 779 00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:52,939 ...that he's here today after way too many years. 780 00:48:53,097 --> 00:48:56,897 So please give a warm welcome to my Uncle Jackie. 781 00:48:57,059 --> 00:48:58,777 Careful up there. We're outnumbered. 782 00:48:58,936 --> 00:49:01,940 To say a few words. Jackie Burke! 783 00:49:04,567 --> 00:49:06,661 So happy he came. - Here we go. 784 00:49:08,404 --> 00:49:11,578 Thank you, honey. You know, it's a- 785 00:49:12,116 --> 00:49:16,246 It's an honor being here to celebrate Brittany and Frankie's wedding. 786 00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:19,836 Frankie, right? Not Butch? 787 00:49:20,416 --> 00:49:22,760 How long till the divorce? 788 00:49:22,918 --> 00:49:25,717 Same-sex divorce is the latest thing, you know? 789 00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:29,100 What the fuck is this place anyway? The Titanic? What is this? 790 00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:32,853 Look at these fucking chandeliers. Jesus. 791 00:49:33,179 --> 00:49:35,398 These chairs aren't tall enough. What's this? 792 00:49:35,556 --> 00:49:38,817 And I wanna thank- 793 00:49:38,976 --> 00:49:42,776 Seriously, I wanna thank Flo and Jimmy for inviting me to this beautiful occasion. 794 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:44,986 Yeah. Thanks for coming. JACKIE: Really is. 795 00:49:45,149 --> 00:49:47,368 And all the other family members... 796 00:49:47,526 --> 00:49:49,528 ...many of whom I thought were dead. 797 00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:52,915 Most of whom I hoped were dead. 798 00:49:53,073 --> 00:49:55,917 Oh, boy. Nobody can fuck you up like family. That's for sure. 799 00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:57,794 We're in trouble. - He knows. 800 00:49:57,953 --> 00:50:01,207 You know, I had a troubled childhood. 801 00:50:01,373 --> 00:50:04,343 My father molested my brother. Jimmy, I'm just telling one little story. 802 00:50:04,502 --> 00:50:05,845 Here we go. - Not good. 803 00:50:06,003 --> 00:50:09,553 My father molested my little brother, and the bastard never even touched me. 804 00:50:09,715 --> 00:50:11,308 Never even looked at me. 805 00:50:11,467 --> 00:50:14,892 Do you know what it's like growing up feeling unwanted? 806 00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:18,558 Knowing that your father doesn't find you attractive enough to fondle? 807 00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:21,894 I mean, was it so terrible-? 808 00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:25,861 Would it have been so terrible if he just played with my dick a little? 809 00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:28,742 Just stroked it? You know, wiggled it a little? Something. 810 00:50:28,901 --> 00:50:32,496 He didn't do anything. I felt terrible. I was so rejected. Anyway... 811 00:50:32,655 --> 00:50:35,784 I know we're supposed to pretend there's nothing wrong or unusual... 812 00:50:35,950 --> 00:50:39,671 ...about this event tonight, just another middle-class Jewish wedding. Right? 813 00:50:39,828 --> 00:50:41,421 No. Wrong. 814 00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:45,335 So can I address the 800-pound gorilla in the room? 815 00:50:45,501 --> 00:50:46,627 And that would be... 816 00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:50,472 ...Flo. 817 00:50:50,631 --> 00:50:52,850 Flo, how did you let this happen? 818 00:50:53,008 --> 00:50:56,137 Can't be Jimmy's fault. What have you done to my poor little brother? 819 00:50:56,303 --> 00:51:00,149 He was 6 feet tall when you got married. 820 00:51:00,307 --> 00:51:02,401 Oh, and now Brittany. Oh, no. 821 00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:04,608 You were so concerned about her growing up... 822 00:51:04,770 --> 00:51:08,320 ...t0 be a Jewish American princess, you didn't even notice... 823 00:51:08,482 --> 00:51:11,861 ...that she was turning out to be a Jewish American prince. 824 00:51:16,907 --> 00:51:19,911 The shame that she brought all of us... - Will you stop this? 825 00:51:20,077 --> 00:51:22,375 ...by marrying a non-Jew. 826 00:51:22,538 --> 00:51:25,382 Well, that's me. JACKIE: What did you do, Flo? 827 00:51:25,874 --> 00:51:27,501 God have mercy on you. 828 00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:31,714 I'm gonna fucking kill you when we get home. 829 00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,759 I have my own special gift to present to the newlyweds. 830 00:51:34,925 --> 00:51:36,643 I've been doing volunteer work... 831 00:51:36,802 --> 00:51:40,102 ...down at the mission, for the homeless. 832 00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,312 They don't like to be called "bums" anymore. 833 00:51:42,474 --> 00:51:44,943 And they were so moved when I told them about... 834 00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:47,730 ...Brittany and Frankie's reproductive challenges... 835 00:51:47,896 --> 00:51:51,613 ...that they all wanted to help. So they all got together, each one... 836 00:51:51,775 --> 00:51:54,654 ...and they all contributed to making a very significant... 837 00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:58,040 ...a very thoughtful, a very useful gift: 838 00:51:58,198 --> 00:52:01,710 a pint of semen. 839 00:52:02,953 --> 00:52:06,082 Thanks, boys. Give them a hand. MAN: Disgusting. 840 00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:09,426 They've worn theirs out. 841 00:52:09,585 --> 00:52:10,837 Oh, my gosh. 842 00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:13,464 James, stop this. 843 00:52:13,631 --> 00:52:16,885 Uncle Jackie would've added a dash and a splash of his own... 844 00:52:17,301 --> 00:52:22,853 ...but that would be incest, and incest, you know, is even worse than being gay. 845 00:52:23,057 --> 00:52:26,777 Boos, really? 846 00:52:26,935 --> 00:52:28,357 Flo likes it. 847 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,649 Apparently, Brittany and I share the same weakness... 848 00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:34,739 ...for wanting to bang beautiful young women. 849 00:52:34,902 --> 00:52:39,624 And yet she turned out to be so normal and I turned out to be so fucked up. 850 00:52:39,782 --> 00:52:41,876 How did that happen? You got that right. 851 00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:44,537 I don't know. Maybe it's because... 852 00:52:48,040 --> 00:52:51,010 ...I never met a woman like Frankie, and maybe it's because... 853 00:52:51,168 --> 00:52:55,389 ...I never found a love and happiness... 854 00:52:55,547 --> 00:52:58,141 ...that Brittany and Frankie have found with each other. 855 00:52:58,425 --> 00:52:59,802 Mm... 856 00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:10,483 Mazel tov. 857 00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:15,533 Whoa'.! 858 00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,409 Come on. Let's make a run for it before they lynch us. 859 00:53:24,743 --> 00:53:26,996 I've never seen anything like that. - Me neither. 860 00:53:27,162 --> 00:53:29,506 You just can't help yourself, can you? 861 00:53:29,665 --> 00:53:31,713 This low-life motherfucking brother of yours. 862 00:53:31,875 --> 00:53:34,970 Takes a dump at our kid's wedding, and that's all you're gonna say? 863 00:53:35,129 --> 00:53:38,759 What do you want me to say? We let him up there. You know what he does. 864 00:53:38,924 --> 00:53:44,647 Brittany asked him to be Jackie Burke, so I don't know why you're yelling at him. 865 00:53:44,805 --> 00:53:48,351 Who the fuck are you to talk to me like that? -Flo- -Who invited you... 866 00:53:48,517 --> 00:53:52,063 ...with your no-undervvear dress? - This is not- FLO: Go. Please. 867 00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:55,441 What the fuck is your problem? I don't have a problem. 868 00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:59,612 Don't yell at me. Don't comment on my dress. Look at your fucking dress. 869 00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:01,621 My dress is beautiful. - It's time to cut the cake. 870 00:54:01,780 --> 00:54:03,157 Fuck you. - Fuck you back. 871 00:54:03,323 --> 00:54:05,951 Fuck you back. Fuck you back. 872 00:54:06,118 --> 00:54:08,337 It's time to cut the cake. 873 00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:11,624 It's time to cut the cake. - You're lucky I don't get my brothers... 874 00:54:11,790 --> 00:54:15,920 ...to cut your nut sack off before you hit the tunnel! 875 00:54:16,086 --> 00:54:19,010 What's the problem? The kids loved it. - Come on. Let me at him. 876 00:54:19,173 --> 00:54:21,642 Come on. Let me at him. - Stupid bitch! 877 00:54:22,551 --> 00:54:24,645 You're the mother- - Oh, shut up! 878 00:54:24,803 --> 00:54:27,773 Let me go. - I'll see you again, in hell, motherfucker! 879 00:54:27,931 --> 00:54:31,060 You are a beast! JACKIE: Okay. Just calm down. 880 00:54:31,643 --> 00:54:36,114 "You're lucky my brothers don't cut your nut sack off before you get to the tunnel." 881 00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:40,114 Ha-ha-ha. -She's a nut case. She's amazing. I love her. 882 00:54:40,277 --> 00:54:43,247 That's what I get for doing something nice for my brother's kid. 883 00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:46,583 That was so much fun. - Family. Tomorrow night's your turn. 884 00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,263 Hi. - Hi. 885 00:55:07,429 --> 00:55:10,308 Thanks for doing this. - No problem. 886 00:55:10,474 --> 00:55:12,397 Hmm. - You okay? 887 00:55:13,352 --> 00:55:17,148 You look beautiful. You know this joint's famous. 888 00:55:17,314 --> 00:55:20,784 Back in '85, Big Paulie Castellano got whacked right here on this sidewalk. 889 00:55:20,943 --> 00:55:23,737 Yeah. -Paulie was a friend of my dad's. JACKIE: Uh-oh. 890 00:55:23,904 --> 00:55:27,115 I'm taking you with me. 891 00:55:28,617 --> 00:55:29,994 Hi. 892 00:55:31,161 --> 00:55:34,461 That's him right there. MAN: Oh, you're with Mr. Schiltz. 893 00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:47,435 Whoa. - Heh. 894 00:55:47,594 --> 00:55:51,556 Oh, my God, are you kidding me? Is this who I think it is? Is it Eddie? 895 00:55:51,723 --> 00:55:54,101 I think it's Eddie, but it's Jackie. 896 00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:57,067 It's Eddie. My baby. 897 00:55:57,229 --> 00:56:01,826 Boy, you did it this time. What a birthday surprise. 898 00:56:01,984 --> 00:56:03,907 "Arlene." 899 00:56:04,111 --> 00:56:06,079 Oh. Ha-ha-ha. - Thank you. 900 00:56:06,238 --> 00:56:09,959 Thank you, Eddie, for all the countless laughs. Thank you. 901 00:56:10,117 --> 00:56:13,712 Happy birthday. And I just wanna- It's Jackie, by the way. 902 00:56:13,871 --> 00:56:17,670 I've enjoyed you so much. 903 00:56:17,833 --> 00:56:21,591 Look at that punim. Look at it. 904 00:56:21,837 --> 00:56:25,223 In fact, so much, I can do you. -I can. -You can? 905 00:56:25,382 --> 00:56:27,975 Did she tell you? - No. No. Yeah. He can do you. 906 00:56:28,135 --> 00:56:31,264 I've been doing you in the bathroom and at parties for decades. 907 00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:35,150 You must have a better manager than I do. 908 00:56:35,350 --> 00:56:38,896 Sit. Sit. Sit. 909 00:56:39,062 --> 00:56:44,660 Gino. Ring the register. Eddie's here. - Copy that, Mr. Schiltz. 910 00:56:45,444 --> 00:56:47,196 Jesus, I don't believe this. 911 00:56:47,362 --> 00:56:49,615 What a birthday present. 912 00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:52,288 What are you drinking? - Chivas on the rocks. 913 00:56:52,451 --> 00:56:55,330 For you? - My baby drinks martinis. 914 00:56:55,954 --> 00:56:57,046 Hey. 915 00:56:57,205 --> 00:57:03,053 How about giving us one big "Arlene, where are you?" 916 00:57:03,211 --> 00:57:05,843 Do it. Come on. HARMONY: Dad. No. - Do I have to? 917 00:57:06,006 --> 00:57:08,683 Yeah. For my birthday. Come on. Please. 918 00:57:08,842 --> 00:57:12,766 Come on. I don't wanna do it. - Come on. Once. -Dad, don't. -Huh? 919 00:57:14,056 --> 00:57:19,187 Hey, I don't expect anyone to work for free. 920 00:57:19,353 --> 00:57:22,819 No, no, no. No, what are you doing? No. -What? -Sorry. No. 921 00:57:22,981 --> 00:57:24,779 Put it away. Don't do that. - Put what? 922 00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:28,287 Sorry. - No. You misunderstand. 923 00:57:28,445 --> 00:57:30,664 Eddie, I don't mean to embarrass you. 924 00:57:30,822 --> 00:57:34,326 I'll tell you what. Let me do it. Let me do you. I got you down. 925 00:57:34,493 --> 00:57:37,792 I'll pay you not to. - Heh, heh. That's funny... 926 00:57:37,955 --> 00:57:40,128 ...but you don't wanna get into a pissing contest with me about money. 927 00:57:40,290 --> 00:57:42,839 Come on, let's have some fun. This is me respecting you. 928 00:57:43,001 --> 00:57:46,759 You're my favorite. "Arlene... 929 00:57:46,922 --> 00:57:51,098 ...whose vibrator, ha, ha, is this? - Heh. 930 00:57:51,259 --> 00:57:55,222 Did you take the batteries out of the smoke alarm again?" 931 00:57:56,890 --> 00:57:58,938 Okay. Shaw's over. 932 00:57:59,685 --> 00:58:03,112 Thank you. - Sure. Cheers. Happy birthday. 933 00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:05,945 Happy birthday, Mac. - Thank you, Eddie. 934 00:58:06,775 --> 00:58:09,903 Jackie. HARMONY: Mm. 935 00:58:10,070 --> 00:58:13,165 How was my timing? Give me some input. 936 00:58:13,448 --> 00:58:15,997 Whoo. I thought you were me for a second. 937 00:58:16,159 --> 00:58:18,378 Try doing it while drinking a glass of water. 938 00:58:22,791 --> 00:58:25,965 Have a drink. - God, you were great. You were great. 939 00:58:26,128 --> 00:58:28,222 Drink some more. It'll make it easier. 940 00:58:31,591 --> 00:58:33,013 So how did you two meet? 941 00:58:33,719 --> 00:58:37,223 We do our community service together down at the Apostle Soup Kitchen. 942 00:58:37,389 --> 00:58:39,107 Oh! Right. 943 00:58:39,266 --> 00:58:41,394 You don't have to worry about that anymore. 944 00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:43,858 I got them to transfer your hours to Florida. 945 00:58:44,021 --> 00:58:47,487 I thought we talked about that. - Remember, we talked about that. -Uh-huh. 946 00:58:47,649 --> 00:58:49,526 Because I'm not sure if I wanna go back. 947 00:58:49,693 --> 00:58:51,991 But you don't know where you wanna go. 948 00:58:52,154 --> 00:58:54,248 She's always been such a mamzer. Ahh... 949 00:58:54,740 --> 00:58:56,663 I'm at the table. I'm still sitting here. 950 00:58:56,825 --> 00:59:00,628 Here at the table. - It's done. I chartered a plane. We're leaving tomorrow. 951 00:59:00,787 --> 00:59:03,290 Noon. Teterboro. 952 00:59:03,707 --> 00:59:05,004 What's in Florida? 953 00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:08,637 I own this retirement community in Delray Beach. We help the elderly... 954 00:59:08,795 --> 00:59:12,220 ...t0 live out their lives with some dignity- - I'd like to pass through this dinner... 955 00:59:12,382 --> 00:59:14,180 ...with some dignity. - Sha! 956 00:59:14,843 --> 00:59:17,642 She's great with the old people. She's got a magic touch. 957 00:59:18,096 --> 00:59:19,814 Well, she's a wonderful person. 958 00:59:20,849 --> 00:59:24,979 It's okay, honey. When you come back from Florida, we'll find our place to live. 959 00:59:25,145 --> 00:59:27,610 What? - What? We're moving in together. 960 00:59:27,773 --> 00:59:30,026 Is it okay if I call you "Dad"? 961 00:59:32,861 --> 00:59:35,364 You're a funny man, but this is my daughter. 962 00:59:35,530 --> 00:59:37,703 Yeah, I know. Every daughter has a mother... 963 00:59:37,866 --> 00:59:40,494 ...every mother has a daughter. The girl that left before... 964 00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:43,209 ...probably has a grandmother or a grandfather. 965 00:59:43,371 --> 00:59:45,044 Harmony's my daughter. 966 00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:47,676 She's not the punch line for somebody's jokes. 967 00:59:47,834 --> 00:59:50,963 And when you look at my daughter and the way she's looking at you- 968 00:59:51,129 --> 00:59:54,766 I'm not. What are you talking about? I wanna know your expectations. 969 00:59:54,925 --> 00:59:58,596 My expectations? - Expectations. Yeah. 970 00:59:59,096 --> 01:00:01,565 To fuck her brains out. After that, we'll see. 971 01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:10,482 Mm. 972 01:00:12,484 --> 01:00:15,696 You know... ...I'm a sucker for an honest man. 973 01:00:15,862 --> 01:00:18,832 And I'm a sucker for a girl that has daddy issues. 974 01:00:18,990 --> 01:00:22,164 Okay. So you go to the bar, and I'll meet you there in a minute. 975 01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:25,376 Sure. It's been a terrific crowd. Nice to meet you, Pops. 976 01:00:25,539 --> 01:00:27,416 Happy birthday. 977 01:00:29,459 --> 01:00:32,258 Don't tell me you're interested in that schmuck. 978 01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:37,017 Okay. If you had listened at all and shut your mouth for one second... 979 01:00:37,175 --> 01:00:39,803 ...you would know that I wasn't interested in him at all. 980 01:00:39,970 --> 01:00:43,765 But you don't ever shut up. You don't ever shut up. You're unbelievable. 981 01:00:43,932 --> 01:00:47,694 Where are you going? - Unbelievable. I'm leaving. Wait a second. Wait a second. 982 01:00:47,853 --> 01:00:50,902 He's an asshole. Let him go. - You are. I'll take care of him. 983 01:00:51,064 --> 01:00:54,864 You're not gonna take care of him. No. You're being the asshole. 984 01:00:55,026 --> 01:00:57,449 Don't embarrass me like that in front of people. 985 01:00:57,612 --> 01:00:59,455 That's humiliating. - I humiliated you? 986 01:00:59,614 --> 01:01:02,117 That was humiliating. Don't talk about me like that... 987 01:01:02,284 --> 01:01:05,163 ...in front of people. I have self-respect. -Where's your self-respect? 988 01:01:05,328 --> 01:01:06,580 I am not doing this... - Go. 989 01:01:06,746 --> 01:01:09,590 ...in a restaurant with you. I'll see you at Teterboro. 990 01:01:09,749 --> 01:01:11,592 Happy birthday. 991 01:01:13,503 --> 01:01:16,382 Come on. I need about 10 drinks. 992 01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,443 Arlene. Ha-ha-ha. 993 01:01:28,643 --> 01:01:31,859 Arlene. - That was good. HARMONY: Was that good? 994 01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:33,490 That was good. Very good. 995 01:01:33,648 --> 01:01:38,620 You should've seen the look on your face when Mac said, "Arlene- Arl-" 996 01:01:38,778 --> 01:01:42,115 Wait. Wait. -Wait. What? -Arlene. 997 01:01:42,282 --> 01:01:45,835 Welcome. 998 01:01:45,994 --> 01:01:49,005 Wow. This is nice. 999 01:01:49,164 --> 01:01:51,883 If you don't get murdered on the street before you get in. 1000 01:01:52,042 --> 01:01:54,545 They're artists. Not murderers. 1001 01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:58,556 You want some bourbon? - Sure. Sure. I think these artists got guns. 1002 01:01:58,715 --> 01:02:02,059 Sure you wanna leave? I have to. I'm on parole. 1003 01:02:02,219 --> 01:02:06,185 I can't fight my dad and his expensive lawyer. I don't have that kind of money. 1004 01:02:06,348 --> 01:02:09,856 I'm moving to the Sunshine State. - You want some? -Make it a double. 1005 01:02:10,018 --> 01:02:13,147 I'm gonna be up all night packing all this stuff. 1006 01:02:13,313 --> 01:02:16,237 Why pack now? Relax. Here. 1007 01:02:16,816 --> 01:02:18,193 Cheers. 1008 01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:24,458 I mean, I think Florida will be good. 1009 01:02:24,616 --> 01:02:27,085 I love working with the elderly people. 1010 01:02:27,244 --> 01:02:29,167 They like me, and I'm good at it. 1011 01:02:29,329 --> 01:02:32,048 And it seems like Florida has a lot to offer. 1012 01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:35,632 Yeah. Like what? Besides skin cancer. - Ha, ha, ha. 1013 01:02:36,878 --> 01:02:38,255 You know what I loved? 1014 01:02:39,506 --> 01:02:42,555 I loved that you pissed off Mac tonight. That was great. 1015 01:02:42,717 --> 01:02:45,311 He's a difficult person. I can see that. I mean- 1016 01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:48,064 But you gotta tell him back. You gotta talk back to him. 1017 01:02:48,223 --> 01:02:51,226 Talk back to him? -Yeah. Talk back. -And say? -You gotta say: 1018 01:02:51,393 --> 01:02:55,148 "Dad, don't talk to me that way. Stop this. Stop being crazy." 1019 01:02:55,313 --> 01:02:58,275 Yeah. Right. -He'll listen and respect you. -No, he won't. 1020 01:02:58,441 --> 01:03:00,034 He might be upset, but he'll respect you. 1021 01:03:00,193 --> 01:03:04,243 Ha-ha-ha. Can you imagine? Yeah. He's a good listener. 1022 01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:05,873 And your mother? 1023 01:03:06,700 --> 01:03:08,953 My mother, she- My mother- 1024 01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:12,714 Ahem. This is a true story. My mother... 1025 01:03:12,872 --> 01:03:16,001 ...when I was 4, went to the market... 1026 01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:18,340 ...and then she never came home. 1027 01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:21,256 Really, she never came home? - Never came home. 1028 01:03:21,423 --> 01:03:25,599 And Mac never explained what happened. 1029 01:03:25,760 --> 01:03:28,934 I don't- Why would she do that? 1030 01:03:29,097 --> 01:03:33,022 You were 4 years old. And, you know, it wasn't your fault. 1031 01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:35,357 Yeah. - Well, she was married to your father. 1032 01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:38,945 I mean, I met the guy for 15, 20 minutes, and I wanted to leave. 1033 01:03:39,107 --> 01:03:41,610 You think that's why she didn't come back? 1034 01:03:41,776 --> 01:03:43,244 Well, I know that's why. - Maybe. 1035 01:03:43,403 --> 01:03:47,874 I mean, your father's a prick, but at the same time, your father's there. 1036 01:03:48,033 --> 01:03:51,248 You know, I- In... 1037 01:03:53,038 --> 01:03:54,961 When I was... 1038 01:03:55,623 --> 01:03:57,625 ...a lot younger, I was... 1039 01:03:57,792 --> 01:04:00,545 - .not around a lot, and I wasn't there for my son. 1040 01:04:00,712 --> 01:04:02,931 You had a son? - Yeah. 1041 01:04:03,298 --> 01:04:07,678 Well, I had one son, and he died. He passed away. 1042 01:04:10,472 --> 01:04:13,770 I'm sorry. Yeah. 1043 01:04:14,309 --> 01:04:15,811 It was an overdose. 1044 01:04:17,145 --> 01:04:20,274 His mother and I weren't there for him. It was a toxic relationship. 1045 01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:21,817 I was always on the road. 1046 01:04:21,983 --> 01:04:25,328 Probably avoiding the whole situation. I was young. I was stupid. 1047 01:04:25,487 --> 01:04:29,333 I can't give an excuse. I have no reason to say anything except that I was wrong. 1048 01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:32,916 And I didn't accept the responsibility. I didn't do what I should've done. 1049 01:04:33,078 --> 01:04:35,501 You know? And what do I do? I make jokes about it. 1050 01:04:35,663 --> 01:04:40,089 I'm a comedian. I make a joke about horrible "mother-wife" jokes. 1051 01:04:40,251 --> 01:04:43,505 How do you-? What do you mean? Well, I tell these fucking jokes. 1052 01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:46,675 You know, these horrible my-wife-is-a-bitch jokes. 1053 01:04:46,841 --> 01:04:49,720 What's a horrible mother and wife? - No. I don't wanna do it. 1054 01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:52,981 Why not? Why not? Come on. 1055 01:04:53,139 --> 01:04:57,110 Wait. What? Tell me. Here. Come on. Okay. Stand up. 1056 01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:01,030 Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Burke. 1057 01:05:01,189 --> 01:05:04,860 Okay. Go. - Okay. Okay. What do you want me to do? 1058 01:05:05,026 --> 01:05:08,326 What do you wanna do? - Well, you know what I wanna do. 1059 01:05:08,488 --> 01:05:11,954 So, what do I have to do to get what I wanna do? 1060 01:05:12,117 --> 01:05:14,085 I don't know. It depends how funny you are. 1061 01:05:14,494 --> 01:05:16,713 Ladies and gentlemen... 1062 01:05:16,871 --> 01:05:21,422 ...did you hear about the daddy's girl who had sex with a 67-year-old comedian? 1063 01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:25,555 Are you only 67? I thought you were 70. 1064 01:05:25,713 --> 01:05:27,386 No. No, but I do wear a diaper. 1065 01:05:27,549 --> 01:05:30,849 Oh, cute. That's sexy. - Can you help me change it? 1066 01:05:31,010 --> 01:05:32,683 Ha, ha, ha. 1067 01:05:33,847 --> 01:05:35,599 Mm. 1068 01:05:36,766 --> 01:05:38,734 Come sit down. 1069 01:05:39,144 --> 01:05:40,771 Come here. 1070 01:05:42,397 --> 01:05:45,116 I got out of that one. -Ha-ha-ha. 1071 01:05:45,275 --> 01:05:48,245 This is not what I wanna be doing. Stand-up tonight. 1072 01:05:48,403 --> 01:05:49,905 You're really good. 1073 01:05:50,071 --> 01:05:52,950 You're really funny, and you're really cute. 1074 01:05:53,783 --> 01:05:56,662 This is just something I wanna do. Okay? 1075 01:05:56,828 --> 01:05:58,250 It doesn't mean anything. 1076 01:05:58,413 --> 01:06:00,962 It doesn't? Oh. 1077 01:06:01,124 --> 01:06:03,877 Well, then you have to be gentle because it's my first time. 1078 01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:07,797 And you're not gonna spend the night. 1079 01:06:07,964 --> 01:06:09,011 I'm not? - No. 1080 01:06:09,174 --> 01:06:13,020 What am I supposed to do, leave my dick here and pick it up in the morning? 1081 01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:15,351 Hm. Hm... 1082 01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:30,221 Chow mein? 1083 01:07:32,674 --> 01:07:36,428 Fuck you. "Fuck you." That's good too. 1084 01:07:41,558 --> 01:07:44,186 Hold it. Thank you. - Good afternoon, Friar Crystal. 1085 01:07:44,352 --> 01:07:47,526 Good to see you. -Nice to see you. -Jackie. You're out. -Billy. 1086 01:07:47,689 --> 01:07:49,942 I'm out. - Yeah. Good. 1087 01:07:50,108 --> 01:07:52,952 Oh, uh... 1088 01:07:53,111 --> 01:07:55,364 Must've been strange, huh? 1089 01:07:56,030 --> 01:07:58,374 Interesting. - Yeah. 1090 01:07:59,659 --> 01:08:02,253 Maximum security, I'm guessing. 1091 01:08:02,412 --> 01:08:05,548 Yeah. - Really? Kind of. 1092 01:08:05,707 --> 01:08:09,260 Wow. - Yeah. Roommate? 1093 01:08:10,795 --> 01:08:13,639 Yeah. -You're blushing. - I found love. 1094 01:08:13,798 --> 01:08:17,515 He's a lucky guy. 1095 01:08:17,677 --> 01:08:21,226 All that rain must be tough on your ankle bracelet, huh? 1096 01:08:21,389 --> 01:08:23,357 I'm just kidding. I'm glad you're out. 1097 01:08:23,516 --> 01:08:25,610 I'm glad you're doing okay. 1098 01:08:29,480 --> 01:08:33,325 Take care of yourself. Yeah. - You too. -Yeah. -Work that jab. 1099 01:08:33,484 --> 01:08:35,866 Yeah. Right, asshole. 1100 01:08:36,029 --> 01:08:39,912 What a schmuck. 1101 01:08:48,958 --> 01:08:52,379 Hey, look who's here. Hey. 1102 01:08:52,545 --> 01:08:56,348 Hey, look who it is. It's Jackie boy. -Jackie. -It's the man. 1103 01:08:56,507 --> 01:08:57,679 Gentlemen. 1104 01:08:57,842 --> 01:09:00,516 You still funny? - No. I'm doing yourjokes now, Dick. 1105 01:09:00,678 --> 01:09:03,773 I heard you're having a rough time. Anything we can do, we're here. 1106 01:09:03,931 --> 01:09:07,981 I appreciate that, D'Angelo. Sure, if I need syphilis, I'll let you know. 1107 01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:13,025 We still holding a grudge? - No. Are you still doing my jokes, Dick? 1108 01:09:13,191 --> 01:09:15,159 Only the good bits. - Good. 1109 01:09:15,318 --> 01:09:17,662 Because I'm still doing your ex-wife. -Ha-ha-ha. 1110 01:09:17,820 --> 01:09:19,914 Aw, some things never change. 1111 01:09:20,740 --> 01:09:23,869 Chivas on the rocks, drop of water for Mr. Burke, please. 1112 01:09:24,869 --> 01:09:28,506 I thought I fired you. I've got a possible gig. 1113 01:09:28,665 --> 01:09:32,715 Great. What do I have to do, dress up as Eddie for a children's birthday party? 1114 01:09:33,252 --> 01:09:35,926 Do you want a job, or do you want to be asshole? 1115 01:09:36,589 --> 01:09:37,806 Do I have to choose? 1116 01:09:38,675 --> 01:09:41,724 So I'm the treasurer here. We had a big meeting last night. 1117 01:09:41,886 --> 01:09:44,730 We're having a tribute for May Conner February 1st. 1118 01:09:44,889 --> 01:09:46,732 It's gonna be a big event. TV special. 1119 01:09:46,891 --> 01:09:49,269 Network thinks they're gonna pull 7 million viewers. 1120 01:09:49,435 --> 01:09:52,484 May Conner. Love her. 1121 01:09:52,647 --> 01:09:56,117 So D'Angelo is responsible for the programming. He's calling all the shots. 1122 01:09:56,275 --> 01:09:59,404 And as of right now, it's overbooked. 1123 01:10:02,240 --> 01:10:05,084 Is Billy doing it? - He's not available. 1124 01:10:05,243 --> 01:10:09,213 We're hoping that changes. And if that changes, it's not overbooked for him. 1125 01:10:09,372 --> 01:10:13,338 No. Billy Crystal is royalty. You are not even a member anymore, Jackie. 1126 01:10:13,501 --> 01:10:16,846 You can't show up every once in a while and expect to be on the dais. 1127 01:10:17,004 --> 01:10:19,507 Okay? You have got to rejoin. 1128 01:10:20,508 --> 01:10:22,556 Kiss the ring, please. Just this once. 1129 01:10:25,221 --> 01:10:27,644 What a fucking shit world this is. 1130 01:10:27,807 --> 01:10:30,401 Hey, Dick, do you have a minute? 1131 01:10:30,560 --> 01:10:32,654 Okay. Okay. 1132 01:10:33,521 --> 01:10:36,821 Listen, I want a good spot on the rotation. I don't wanna go after him. 1133 01:10:36,983 --> 01:10:40,903 This fuck will steal every joke I have. You want a spot on May's tribute? 1134 01:10:41,863 --> 01:10:45,620 Yeah. Miller mentioned it. Actually, I'd be honored to do it. 1135 01:10:47,744 --> 01:10:49,997 She's a barely-living legend. 1136 01:10:51,330 --> 01:10:55,676 Funny. Well, I'm not saying for sure it's overbooked now, but, uh... 1137 01:10:55,835 --> 01:10:57,883 ...anything is possible. 1138 01:11:00,673 --> 01:11:03,142 Pretty please, Dick? 1139 01:11:03,676 --> 01:11:06,555 Miller told me you're thinking about rejoining. If you did... 1140 01:11:06,721 --> 01:11:10,567 ...that would go a long way, but since I'm also head of the membership committee... 1141 01:11:10,725 --> 01:11:13,148 ...I need to ask you a serious question. 1142 01:11:13,686 --> 01:11:15,734 Is your parole officer joining the club with you? 1143 01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:19,026 Because I can get you a couple's membership. 1144 01:11:19,692 --> 01:11:22,070 Funny. - Ha, ha, ha! 1145 01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:27,116 You did good. That wasn't so bad now, was it? 1146 01:11:27,283 --> 01:11:29,581 I need a power wash. 1147 01:11:54,936 --> 01:11:57,780 Hi, it's Harmony. Leave a message. 1148 01:11:57,939 --> 01:12:00,237 Hey, Harmony, how are you? It's me. 1149 01:12:00,399 --> 01:12:02,618 Everything okay? I haven't heard from you. 1150 01:12:02,777 --> 01:12:04,871 The boys at the mission are asking about you. 1151 01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:08,454 Tell Mac I said, "Arlene." 1152 01:12:08,616 --> 01:12:10,664 Okay. Get back to me. 1153 01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:20,970 Ms. Conner, how many husbands did you really have? 1154 01:12:21,128 --> 01:12:24,803 Husbands? I can't remember. Were there five of them or seven? 1155 01:12:26,217 --> 01:12:29,391 Okay, everybody, we're gonna take five. Thank you. 1156 01:12:29,554 --> 01:12:32,558 Can we take a break with the pictures? I need a martini. 1157 01:12:32,723 --> 01:12:36,231 May. Jackie Burke. 1158 01:12:36,894 --> 01:12:39,317 Hey, kid. - How you doing? 1159 01:12:39,897 --> 01:12:42,320 What an honor it is to be ripping you a new one... 1160 01:12:42,483 --> 01:12:44,781 ...in the name of such a worthy cause. 1161 01:12:47,113 --> 01:12:50,083 You mind if I smoke? - I don't care if you burn. 1162 01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:52,164 I always loved that line. 1163 01:12:52,326 --> 01:12:54,704 I loved Gleason. - Oh, Gleason loved me. 1164 01:12:54,871 --> 01:12:57,841 He loved my tits. - Oh. We all loved your tits. 1165 01:12:58,583 --> 01:13:01,507 May, I don't think you can smoke inside. 1166 01:13:01,669 --> 01:13:06,516 I'm 95. If I wanna smoke or piss on the sidewalk or say the N word... 1167 01:13:06,674 --> 01:13:09,348 ...I'm fucking gonna do it. - Eh. MAY: Eh. 1168 01:13:09,510 --> 01:13:13,105 The world today, heh, heh, so goddamn serious about everything. 1169 01:13:13,264 --> 01:13:14,686 Exactly. Exactly. 1170 01:13:14,849 --> 01:13:17,272 I'm going to the bar. Okay? What do you want? 1171 01:13:17,435 --> 01:13:19,062 Martini, one olive, like always? 1172 01:13:19,228 --> 01:13:21,731 God bless you. 1173 01:13:21,898 --> 01:13:23,571 Okay. 1174 01:13:25,526 --> 01:13:27,528 Who was that? 1175 01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:31,541 All right, everyone. Let's salute our honored guest. 1176 01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:46,134 May? May, listen to me, okay? I'm your friend. Okay? 1177 01:13:46,797 --> 01:13:51,018 It's over. You're finished. Finito. Your movies are on the History channel. 1178 01:13:51,177 --> 01:13:53,054 And your movies? 1179 01:13:53,220 --> 01:13:56,099 What movies? You aren't in any movies. 1180 01:13:56,307 --> 01:13:58,938 You tell him, May! 1181 01:13:59,101 --> 01:14:02,989 All joking aside- - What jokes? 1182 01:14:03,147 --> 01:14:05,400 She told you, Dick. Go get them, May. 1183 01:14:05,566 --> 01:14:09,116 You, truly, are one of the greatest talents in this business. What can I say? 1184 01:14:09,278 --> 01:14:11,121 You're a barely-living legend. 1185 01:14:13,574 --> 01:14:16,874 I mean- I mean, quite honestly, I'm amazed you're still sitting up. 1186 01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:21,548 Okay. That's enough, Dick. Wake up, people. 1187 01:14:21,707 --> 01:14:24,927 The "whatever-happened-to" portion of the evening is officially over. 1188 01:14:25,086 --> 01:14:26,429 Go back to sleep. - Go to hell. 1189 01:14:26,587 --> 01:14:29,553 Or do you need your parole officer's permission? "Parole officer" this. 1190 01:14:29,715 --> 01:14:31,638 Come on, get the fuck out of here. 1191 01:14:32,677 --> 01:14:35,601 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the Friars Club... 1192 01:14:35,763 --> 01:14:41,816 ...Jackie Burke, also known as Eddie, also known as prisoner 9-4-2-8-2-8. 1193 01:14:41,978 --> 01:14:44,401 Jailbird! 1194 01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:47,988 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did a little time. 1195 01:14:48,567 --> 01:14:51,116 But my 30 days is nothing compared to the hard time... 1196 01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:54,031 ...you just served listening to this guy, D'Angelo. 1197 01:14:54,198 --> 01:14:55,916 Give him a hand. 1198 01:14:56,367 --> 01:14:59,371 Now let's get to the main event. WOMAN 2: Looking great, May! 1199 01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,460 May... WOMAN 2: Yeah, May. 1200 01:15:01,622 --> 01:15:03,545 ...oh, May. 1201 01:15:04,709 --> 01:15:07,679 We've heard a lot about your many accomplishments tonight... 1202 01:15:07,837 --> 01:15:11,341 ...but no one's really talked about how tough it was for you starting out. 1203 01:15:11,507 --> 01:15:12,804 It was tough. 1204 01:15:12,967 --> 01:15:16,062 It was tough. You tell me about it. I know how tough it was. 1205 01:15:16,220 --> 01:15:18,439 Well, tell me about it. - All right. 1206 01:15:18,597 --> 01:15:21,726 Today, you can get by just by blowing the director. 1207 01:15:21,892 --> 01:15:23,109 I love you, May! 1208 01:15:26,731 --> 01:15:30,110 But, God, when I think of the things that you had to do. 1209 01:15:30,276 --> 01:15:32,654 I did. - But whatever you did worked... 1210 01:15:32,820 --> 01:15:35,448 ...because you played some of the most iconic... 1211 01:15:35,614 --> 01:15:39,584 ...roles in the history of film. And I, Jackie Burke... 1212 01:15:39,994 --> 01:15:42,796 ...was with you all the way. 1213 01:15:42,955 --> 01:15:46,754 ♪ All the way ♪ ♪ All the way ♪ 1214 01:15:46,917 --> 01:15:51,172 When you played the title role in The Battleship Potemkin... 1215 01:15:51,338 --> 01:15:55,593 ...I was one of the sailors you took on. 1216 01:15:55,760 --> 01:15:59,936 Remember me? I came in your porthole. 1217 01:16:01,849 --> 01:16:04,147 Then we were reunited. 1218 01:16:04,310 --> 01:16:06,404 Who could ever forget when we were together... 1219 01:16:06,562 --> 01:16:09,566 ...in the original Poseidon Adventure? You as the Poseidon. 1220 01:16:09,732 --> 01:16:12,235 Me as the cabin boy. - You were the cabin boy. 1221 01:16:12,401 --> 01:16:14,654 You know. You remember. 1222 01:16:15,071 --> 01:16:18,824 Remember my audition? - Yeah. 1223 01:16:19,408 --> 01:16:23,246 Yes, and you got the part. 1224 01:16:23,746 --> 01:16:26,044 And I went down with the ship. 1225 01:16:27,083 --> 01:16:30,007 Yes, May Conner, you chewed a lot of scenery... 1226 01:16:30,169 --> 01:16:31,716 ...in your time. - I certainly did. 1227 01:16:31,879 --> 01:16:34,177 And swallowed. - Whoa! 1228 01:16:37,885 --> 01:16:42,732 May Conner: star, philanthropist, Oscar winner... 1229 01:16:42,890 --> 01:16:45,313 ...and record holder for fucking more young boys... 1230 01:16:45,476 --> 01:16:49,443 ...than the entire Los Angeles Archdiocese. 1231 01:16:49,605 --> 01:16:51,403 You are really something. - Jackie. Stop. 1232 01:16:51,565 --> 01:16:54,865 It's okay, May. It's okay. Don't worry. D'Angelo's not coming back. 1233 01:16:55,027 --> 01:16:57,826 He's just touching you now, but he's gonna go away. May? 1234 01:16:57,988 --> 01:17:00,662 Seriously, May? An orgasm now? 1235 01:17:04,453 --> 01:17:07,923 What's happening? WOMAN 3: Oh, my God. WOMAN 2: Is she all right? 1236 01:17:08,082 --> 01:17:11,006 May, you okay? - Uh... 1237 01:17:12,002 --> 01:17:15,598 Give her some water. MAN No, no, no. Get a doctor. 1238 01:17:15,756 --> 01:17:18,843 May... WOMAN 1: Somebody do something. 1239 01:17:19,009 --> 01:17:20,852 I'm not sure if this is... 1240 01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:24,436 ls there a doctor in the house? Seriously. We need a doctor. 1241 01:17:24,598 --> 01:17:25,975 Come up here immediately. 1242 01:17:26,142 --> 01:17:28,736 Don't block these aisles. MAN 2: Call a medic! 1243 01:17:29,728 --> 01:17:30,820 Stay in your places. 1244 01:17:31,856 --> 01:17:34,279 Somebody... - Get her back. Get her back. 1245 01:17:34,900 --> 01:17:38,362 Somebody, aspirin. - Get some aspirin. MAN 5: Get the defibrillator! 1246 01:17:38,529 --> 01:17:42,075 You killed. MAN 3: Should someone call 911? 1247 01:17:42,241 --> 01:17:45,912 I didn't get to my best stuff. 1248 01:17:46,120 --> 01:17:50,216 Three-time Oscar winner and six-time Emmy winner, May Conner... 1249 01:17:50,374 --> 01:17:53,674 ...suffered a fatal heart attack on stage at 11:00 tonight... 1250 01:17:53,836 --> 01:17:55,133 ...at the Edison Ballroom. 1251 01:17:55,296 --> 01:17:59,551 The 95-year-old Conner was taken by ambulance to Mt. Sinai Hospital... 1252 01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:02,015 ...where she was pronounced dead on arrival. 1253 01:18:02,178 --> 01:18:03,976 The legendary actress-comedienne... 1254 01:18:04,138 --> 01:18:06,857 ...was the honoree at tonight's Friars Club Tribute. 1255 01:18:07,016 --> 01:18:09,735 New York One's Jaime Puckett was there and spoke afterward... 1256 01:18:09,894 --> 01:18:12,397 ...with Friars Abbot Dick D'Angelo. 1257 01:18:12,563 --> 01:18:15,658 We lost a great one tonight. Fm, uh... 1258 01:18:17,818 --> 01:18:19,741 "devastated. 1259 01:18:20,237 --> 01:18:23,286 May and I were more than just- Fans all over the world will be mourning. 1260 01:18:23,449 --> 01:18:26,544 She was, truly, America's Queen of Comedy. 1261 01:18:26,702 --> 01:18:31,208 Family members requested that the Friars canoe! the broadcast... 1262 01:18:31,373 --> 01:18:32,875 ...and, of course, we agreed. 1263 01:18:56,023 --> 01:18:58,902 So nothing in New York. Nothing in the tristate area. 1264 01:18:59,068 --> 01:19:03,539 We have three offers for appearances. In Wisconsin is a Democratic fundraiser. 1265 01:19:03,697 --> 01:19:05,290 Wisconsin in February? Next. 1266 01:19:05,449 --> 01:19:09,124 Then a three-day master-comedy class seminar at SOAS College. 1267 01:19:09,286 --> 01:19:11,288 What's SOAS College? - It's in London. 1268 01:19:11,455 --> 01:19:14,299 The last one you're not gonna like, but it pays the most. 1269 01:19:14,458 --> 01:19:16,460 It's a television-classics autograph convention... 1270 01:19:16,627 --> 01:19:19,801 ...in West Palm Beach doing Eddie. - What are the Democrats paying? 1271 01:19:19,964 --> 01:19:21,341 Three thousand, plus expenses. 1272 01:19:21,507 --> 01:19:25,057 The Republicans would pay a lot more, but who wants to do it for them? 1273 01:19:25,219 --> 01:19:28,605 So, what about London? Five thousand, but you pay for your ticket. 1274 01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:32,439 What about Florida? -Twenty-five thousand, plus expenses. 1275 01:19:32,601 --> 01:19:34,023 I gotta take that. 1276 01:19:34,853 --> 01:19:36,776 Yeah. - For you. 1277 01:19:37,690 --> 01:19:40,534 Here's your number seven. Hold the Russian dressing. 1278 01:19:40,693 --> 01:19:41,865 What are you doing after work? 1279 01:19:42,027 --> 01:19:45,702 She deserted you? JACKIE: No, she's gonna come back. FLO: Cool it, Casanova. 1280 01:19:45,864 --> 01:19:47,787 Flo, we were joshing. 1281 01:19:47,950 --> 01:19:50,044 Excuse me? MAN: All right. I'll get the number seven. 1282 01:19:50,202 --> 01:19:52,204 You got 30 days, I got life. 1283 01:19:52,371 --> 01:19:56,292 Does she know? About the money? -Yes. - Gonna take a while to pay you back. 1284 01:19:56,458 --> 01:20:00,463 No. She knows, and we both agree, we don't want you to pay us back. 1285 01:20:00,629 --> 01:20:02,472 What does that mean? You can't- 1286 01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:05,635 What it means is I don't have to do this anymore. You understand? 1287 01:20:05,801 --> 01:20:08,350 I'm through with this. I'm done with this. 1288 01:20:08,512 --> 01:20:12,688 You don't come back anymore and ask for anything ever again. 1289 01:20:12,850 --> 01:20:15,194 What are you so mad about? - I'm not mad-. 1290 01:20:15,352 --> 01:20:18,572 But people don't change. People never change. 1291 01:20:18,731 --> 01:20:21,325 They are what they are, and that's that. 1292 01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:23,326 What is this? 1293 01:20:24,069 --> 01:20:27,824 You see how it is with her? Like, you've become a thing. 1294 01:20:27,990 --> 01:20:29,367 Oh, I'm a thing now? 1295 01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:32,036 You're a thing, I can't take it, I can't do it anymore. 1296 01:20:32,202 --> 01:20:35,919 I can't take the aggravation. I don't know what to say. 1297 01:20:36,081 --> 01:20:39,301 I'm so fucking aggravated. I'm trying to get something going here. 1298 01:20:39,460 --> 01:20:42,384 By the way, I thought you killed at the wedding. You killed. 1299 01:20:42,546 --> 01:20:44,969 You smashed. You knocked it out of the park. 1300 01:20:45,132 --> 01:20:47,726 It was- I had fun doing it. -Brittany loved it. 1301 01:20:47,885 --> 01:20:50,642 She was never happier. Oh, good. Well, that's good. 1302 01:20:50,804 --> 01:20:52,852 That's what it's all about, for her, you know? 1303 01:20:53,015 --> 01:20:55,268 If you're ever playing anywhere, you let me know. 1304 01:20:55,434 --> 01:20:58,062 I'll come, we'll have a beer. - Okay. That, I appreciate. 1305 01:20:58,228 --> 01:21:01,652 Okay? - Yeah. See you. 1306 01:21:01,815 --> 01:21:03,692 I'll call you tomorrow. 1307 01:21:04,860 --> 01:21:06,282 Okay. 1308 01:21:06,445 --> 01:21:09,824 So, what's it gonna be? Wisconsin, London or Florida? 1309 01:21:51,490 --> 01:21:54,873 Wow, what a beautiful audience. 1310 01:21:55,035 --> 01:21:58,835 I wanna say before we start, I've been looking forward to this performance... 1311 01:21:58,997 --> 01:22:04,345 ...more than any other because being here with you makes me feel alive. 1312 01:22:04,795 --> 01:22:08,636 ♪ Somebody hold me too close ♪ Sing along if you know the words. 1313 01:22:08,799 --> 01:22:11,393 ♪ Somebody hurt me too deep ♪ 1314 01:22:11,802 --> 01:22:15,559 ♪ Somebody sit in my- ♪ Chair. 1315 01:22:16,890 --> 01:22:22,488 - ♪ And make me aware of being alive ♪ - ♪ Alive ♪ 1316 01:22:23,147 --> 01:22:27,368 ♪ Being alive ♪ 1317 01:22:28,068 --> 01:22:30,787 ♪ Somebody need me too much ♪ 1318 01:22:31,780 --> 01:22:34,659 ♪ Somebody know me too well ♪ 1319 01:22:35,200 --> 01:22:39,546 ♪ Somebody pull me up short And put me through hell ♪ 1320 01:22:39,705 --> 01:22:45,712 IAnd give me support For being alive ♪ 1321 01:22:45,878 --> 01:22:51,726 ♪ Make me alive Make me confused ♪ 1322 01:22:51,884 --> 01:22:55,391 What is that? Look who's here. 1323 01:22:55,554 --> 01:22:58,808 The laugh-a-minute. What the fuck are you doing here? 1324 01:22:58,974 --> 01:23:01,693 I just came by to say hello. 1325 01:23:01,852 --> 01:23:04,321 Passing through. - Oh, could you say goodbye? 1326 01:23:04,480 --> 01:23:06,824 ♪ Somebody let me come through ♪ 1327 01:23:07,024 --> 01:23:09,493 Uh. Just calm down. It's okay. I'm just visiting. 1328 01:23:09,651 --> 01:23:12,495 Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. 1329 01:23:12,654 --> 01:23:14,907 Eddie. Is that you? 1330 01:23:15,657 --> 01:23:18,126 Aren't you Eddie from Eddie's Home? 1331 01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:20,708 I'm such a fan of yours. 1332 01:23:20,871 --> 01:23:23,795 No. No. It's okay. - Oh, I love it. I just love you. 1333 01:23:25,125 --> 01:23:30,006 ♪ Alive N' 1334 01:23:30,839 --> 01:23:33,805 Thank you! Oh, thank you so much. 1335 01:23:33,967 --> 01:23:36,311 Thank you so, so much. 1336 01:23:36,470 --> 01:23:39,144 That was sweet. DEVIN: Thank you so, so much. 1337 01:23:39,306 --> 01:23:41,893 Thank you so much. - You know... WOMAN: Nice. 1338 01:23:42,059 --> 01:23:45,939 ...it isn't often enough that we take the time to hear the stories... 1339 01:23:46,104 --> 01:23:48,323 ...and listen to the wisdom of our elders. 1340 01:23:48,482 --> 01:23:51,156 So I wanna come down and get to know some of you wonderful people. 1341 01:23:51,318 --> 01:23:53,571 Let's start with you, young lady. What's your name? 1342 01:23:53,737 --> 01:23:57,457 Adele. - Hello, Adele. Tell us a little about yourself. 1343 01:23:57,658 --> 01:24:01,583 Um, I was a gym teacher for 42 years. 1344 01:24:01,745 --> 01:24:03,747 Oh, my God. I can't believe it. 1345 01:24:03,914 --> 01:24:07,843 I'm gonna tell everybody. DEVIN: You look terrific. See him? Eddie. 1346 01:24:08,001 --> 01:24:09,969 Why are you here? - What do you mean? 1347 01:24:10,128 --> 01:24:12,972 What are you doing here? - I'm here. I just told your father. 1348 01:24:13,131 --> 01:24:16,681 What, is Alzheimer's contagious? - Your punch lines for us are over. 1349 01:24:16,843 --> 01:24:20,723 Can you give us a sec? DEVIN: Oh, thank you. Thank you so, so much. 1350 01:24:20,889 --> 01:24:23,358 Let's go over here. What's your name, miss? 1351 01:24:23,517 --> 01:24:25,565 Look. Look who's there. WOMAN: I am Miriam. 1352 01:24:25,727 --> 01:24:27,980 Tell us a little about yourself. - Eddie. 1353 01:24:28,146 --> 01:24:30,365 Well, I was a dancer. 1354 01:24:30,941 --> 01:24:32,534 I was on Broadway once. 1355 01:24:32,776 --> 01:24:36,159 Eddie. - Ohh! Broadway star. MAC: What's new, Esther? 1356 01:24:36,321 --> 01:24:39,120 I can't believe Eddie's here. Right here in our midst. 1357 01:24:39,283 --> 01:24:42,207 Can I have your autograph? - Why did you show up without calling? 1358 01:24:42,369 --> 01:24:45,293 Well, I didn't. I called you before and you never answered me. 1359 01:24:45,455 --> 01:24:49,460 You never got back to me once. I thought I'd come say hello since I was down here. 1360 01:24:49,626 --> 01:24:51,549 Go out there, big shot. They want you. 1361 01:24:51,712 --> 01:24:53,714 I'm not fucking going out there. You go. 1362 01:24:53,880 --> 01:24:56,508 Come on. You're an entertainer. Give them what they want. 1363 01:24:56,675 --> 01:25:00,179 Come on. - You do it, buddy. You go up and do it. 1364 01:25:00,596 --> 01:25:02,348 Yeah, but you can't just show up here. 1365 01:25:02,514 --> 01:25:05,188 I just came here for business. A convention. 1366 01:25:05,350 --> 01:25:09,275 You had a convention? -I'm going to a convention. -You're just- 1367 01:25:09,438 --> 01:25:12,315 Well, you should've called... - ...and not- -What's wrong? 1368 01:25:13,150 --> 01:25:15,573 Nothing's wrong. - After I left those messages... 1369 01:25:15,736 --> 01:25:17,738 ...so many messages, you didn't call me once. 1370 01:25:17,904 --> 01:25:20,453 You- - I texted you, you didn't answer the text. 1371 01:25:20,616 --> 01:25:22,334 No. Really, I've just been so busy. 1372 01:25:22,492 --> 01:25:24,665 Okay. I understand that, but I'm here now. 1373 01:25:24,828 --> 01:25:27,456 Thought I'd take you to dinner. How about tomorrow night? 1374 01:25:27,623 --> 01:25:29,967 That's fine. Just call before you show up like that. 1375 01:25:30,125 --> 01:25:33,174 Okay. Let's have a hand for Devin O'Connor. 1376 01:25:34,504 --> 01:25:35,630 Thank you. 1377 01:25:35,797 --> 01:25:38,676 Great performance. Folks... Good job, honey. Thank you. 1378 01:25:38,842 --> 01:25:42,016 ...I've got a really big surprise for you now. 1379 01:25:42,179 --> 01:25:44,352 Just in from New York... - Oh, no. 1380 01:25:44,514 --> 01:25:48,610 ...television star and personal friend: - This guy. 1381 01:25:48,769 --> 01:25:52,319 Eddie from Eddie's Home. MAN: See? 1382 01:25:53,315 --> 01:25:56,034 That's right. Eddie from Eddie's Home. 1383 01:25:56,193 --> 01:26:00,323 Don't go out there. No. This isn't- This is not your crowd. 1384 01:26:00,489 --> 01:26:03,454 They don't like comedy. MAC: Let's bring him up here. 1385 01:26:03,617 --> 01:26:05,915 If you want to, you can, but... MAC: Come on. 1386 01:26:06,078 --> 01:26:09,798 ...it's not a good idea. MAC: Yeah. Now your father's my best friend. 1387 01:26:09,956 --> 01:26:12,004 Yes. Can you believe it? 1388 01:26:15,253 --> 01:26:17,927 Thank you. Thank you. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. 1389 01:26:18,090 --> 01:26:21,640 And I wanna thank my new best friend, Mac Schiltz. 1390 01:26:22,052 --> 01:26:24,646 Only he knows how close we really are. 1391 01:26:24,805 --> 01:26:27,729 Okay, Miriam, you're a dancer? 1392 01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:31,861 Yeah. - Come sit on my lap. I'll spin you around like a dreidel. 1393 01:26:32,020 --> 01:26:33,442 That was a Jewish joke. 1394 01:26:34,356 --> 01:26:37,360 My mother was a dancer. She worked at a gentleman's club. 1395 01:26:37,526 --> 01:26:39,244 She was a lap dancer. 1396 01:26:39,403 --> 01:26:41,781 You imagine how hard it was for me to nurse? 1397 01:26:42,239 --> 01:26:44,207 Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! 1398 01:26:44,408 --> 01:26:47,412 Is that supposed to be funny? - It was supposed to be funny. 1399 01:26:47,577 --> 01:26:51,123 You didn't like that? - Well... Would you like me to do it another way? 1400 01:26:51,289 --> 01:26:54,126 Like that? That's not funny to you? 1401 01:26:54,292 --> 01:26:56,670 What kind of dancer were you? - I was a chorus girl. 1402 01:26:56,837 --> 01:26:58,680 A chorus girl. 1403 01:26:58,839 --> 01:27:01,592 I always wanted to bang a chorus girl. - Join the club. 1404 01:27:01,758 --> 01:27:03,635 Oh, good comeback. 1405 01:27:03,802 --> 01:27:06,225 You're a good sport, Miriam. I like that. 1406 01:27:06,388 --> 01:27:09,896 Let's do a threesome: me, you and Adele. 1407 01:27:10,058 --> 01:27:14,655 How about that? She was a gym teacher, so she'll do all the heavy lifting. 1408 01:27:14,813 --> 01:27:17,775 Probably a dyke. - Oh! JACKIE: That doesn't matter. 1409 01:27:17,941 --> 01:27:20,535 What's with these guys here? What's this group? 1410 01:27:20,694 --> 01:27:23,538 You look like a street gang or something. - Yeah. That's us. 1411 01:27:23,697 --> 01:27:24,914 What's your name? - Herman. 1412 01:27:25,073 --> 01:27:27,826 Herman. With a name like that, you must have got laid a lot. 1413 01:27:27,993 --> 01:27:29,791 Heh, heh, oh-ho. 1414 01:27:29,953 --> 01:27:34,379 I recognize you. I remember. I see you prowling all the discos and clubs here. 1415 01:27:34,541 --> 01:27:37,545 There's a lot of them in this part of the world. Good for you. 1416 01:27:37,711 --> 01:27:40,555 What about your porn? You guys have a porn collection? 1417 01:27:40,714 --> 01:27:43,967 Who's got the best pussy shots? - Bernie. JACKIE: Bernie. 1418 01:27:44,134 --> 01:27:46,307 Yeah. - Now listen, I'm curious, Bernie. 1419 01:27:46,470 --> 01:27:48,893 Are you a breast man or tit man? 1420 01:27:49,055 --> 01:27:52,609 Leg man? Ass man? - Whatever else? -Tuchuses. 1421 01:27:52,768 --> 01:27:56,400 Tuchuses? - Yes. 1422 01:27:57,522 --> 01:27:59,945 Have you met Adele, the gym teacher? - Oh, yeah. 1423 01:28:00,108 --> 01:28:02,952 I know you two must have been fucking each other for a couple of years. 1424 01:28:03,111 --> 01:28:06,206 She used to be able to climb up a rope with just her ass. 1425 01:28:06,364 --> 01:28:07,786 Oh, no. 1426 01:28:08,658 --> 01:28:12,037 Adele, I found a live one. No. 1427 01:28:12,204 --> 01:28:14,753 I think he's alive, hold on. Yeah. He's alive. 1428 01:28:14,915 --> 01:28:16,667 Still ticking. Where you going? 1429 01:28:16,833 --> 01:28:19,177 Hey, hey, fellow. Rip Van Winkle. 1430 01:28:19,336 --> 01:28:21,839 My name is Benjamin. I gotta go to the bathroom. 1431 01:28:22,005 --> 01:28:25,009 Benjamin, what do you have to do, number one or number two? 1432 01:28:28,261 --> 01:28:30,931 Uh-oh. 1433 01:28:31,306 --> 01:28:34,150 Number three. - Oh. 1434 01:28:34,309 --> 01:28:35,902 Number three? - Yeah. 1435 01:28:37,312 --> 01:28:40,941 Wow. Number three. The big Mac Schiltz special. 1436 01:28:43,860 --> 01:28:46,534 Are you sure? I think you already did something there. 1437 01:28:46,696 --> 01:28:49,825 You know, l... Looks like you did number six there. 1438 01:28:50,867 --> 01:28:52,414 Jesus, or maybe it's up to eight. 1439 01:28:55,413 --> 01:28:58,041 Okay. I see you all like bathroom humor... 1440 01:28:58,208 --> 01:29:02,054 ...which is good because that's what I like. We're all thinking alike. 1441 01:29:02,212 --> 01:29:06,388 Look, I'm gonna do a song, and I'm gonna change the lyrics slightly. 1442 01:29:06,550 --> 01:29:08,803 So I think we'll have a little fun with that. It's called- 1443 01:29:08,969 --> 01:29:12,143 Well, you've all heard the song "Makin' Whoopee"? 1444 01:29:12,305 --> 01:29:16,026 So I'm just gonna change it a little, and when I point to you... 1445 01:29:16,184 --> 01:29:18,733 ...you go, "Not making poopie." 1446 01:29:18,895 --> 01:29:21,902 Can we do that? WOMAN: Okay. 1447 01:29:22,065 --> 01:29:23,908 One, two, three. Let's try it now: 1448 01:29:24,067 --> 01:29:26,741 ♪ Not makin' poopie ♪ 1449 01:29:26,903 --> 01:29:28,280 Okay. One more time. 1450 01:29:28,446 --> 01:29:31,700 Come on, you guys sound like you need a little coke to get you going. 1451 01:29:31,867 --> 01:29:33,915 One more time, one, two, three: 1452 01:29:34,077 --> 01:29:38,005 ♪ Not makin' poopie ♪ Yeah! Okay. Great. 1453 01:29:38,164 --> 01:29:41,801 Here we go. Here it goes. Maestro... 1454 01:29:42,127 --> 01:29:45,097 ♪ Another fear ♪ 1455 01:29:45,255 --> 01:29:47,508 ♪ Another year ♪ 1456 01:29:47,674 --> 01:29:49,768 ♪ Another enema ♪ 1457 01:29:49,926 --> 01:29:53,855 ♪ In your rear ♪ ♪ Elimination ♪ 1458 01:29:54,180 --> 01:29:58,105 ♪ Constipation ♪ ♪ Not makin'- ♪ 1459 01:29:58,268 --> 01:30:00,816 ♪ Poopie ♪ Yeah. 1460 01:30:00,979 --> 01:30:04,950 ♪ Pee pee is fine Except if it leaks ♪ 1461 01:30:05,108 --> 01:30:08,738 ♪ What'd you expect From elderly freaks? ♪ 1462 01:30:10,071 --> 01:30:11,539 ♪ It's so abusive ♪ 1463 01:30:11,698 --> 01:30:15,581 ♪ Stools are elusive ♪ ♪ Not makin' ♪ 1464 01:30:15,744 --> 01:30:18,042 Whoopee, not "poopie." 1465 01:30:19,039 --> 01:30:22,630 We're doing "poopie" here. - I am not. -All right. 1466 01:30:22,792 --> 01:30:25,470 Uh-oh. 1467 01:30:26,379 --> 01:30:30,346 We've got a killjoy in the house. Okay. 1468 01:30:30,508 --> 01:30:32,476 ♪ You're on the toilet ♪ 1469 01:30:32,636 --> 01:30:34,855 IFrom9to5 ♪ 1470 01:30:35,013 --> 01:30:39,519 ♪ Holy shit It's good to be alive ♪ 1471 01:30:39,684 --> 01:30:41,357 ♪ It's all a breeze now ♪ 1472 01:30:41,853 --> 01:30:44,572 ♪ But please don't sneeze now ♪ 1473 01:30:46,816 --> 01:30:48,944 ♪ You're making poopie ♪ 1474 01:30:49,361 --> 01:30:51,363 Big finish. 1475 01:30:51,529 --> 01:30:56,581 ♪ Not being loopy Better than whoopee ♪ 1476 01:30:56,743 --> 01:30:58,120 Everybody now. 1477 01:30:58,286 --> 01:31:02,336 ♪ I'm making poopie N 1478 01:31:04,084 --> 01:31:07,052 Poopie. Poopie. 1479 01:31:08,713 --> 01:31:12,388 Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. 1480 01:31:12,550 --> 01:31:16,388 Well, I hope nobody was offended here. It was all in good fun. 1481 01:31:16,554 --> 01:31:21,981 In about 20 years, we're all gonna be dead, so let's celebrate while we can. 1482 01:31:34,364 --> 01:31:35,911 Thanks for coming. 1483 01:31:40,954 --> 01:31:43,924 I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror. 1484 01:31:44,082 --> 01:31:45,959 What's your name? - Ted. 1485 01:31:46,126 --> 01:31:49,426 Are you still friends with the other actors, Arlene and your son? 1486 01:31:49,587 --> 01:31:51,681 No. They all died. - Oh... 1487 01:31:51,840 --> 01:31:55,722 Sorry. - Oh. Boy, they were funny. 1488 01:31:55,885 --> 01:31:58,889 Funny. Funny. She was funny. He was funny. 1489 01:31:59,055 --> 01:32:02,313 Very funny. -Can I ask you something? -Sure. 1490 01:32:02,475 --> 01:32:05,354 Do you still think the show is funny after all these years? 1491 01:32:06,062 --> 01:32:08,656 Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes... 1492 01:32:08,815 --> 01:32:11,409 ...but it wasn't always about the laughs. 1493 01:32:11,568 --> 01:32:15,493 Eddie could say the craziest things. I think that's what I liked most. 1494 01:32:15,989 --> 01:32:17,161 Oh... 1495 01:32:17,365 --> 01:32:21,165 Can I just get one "Hey, Arlene" for my wife? Just one? 1496 01:32:21,327 --> 01:32:23,045 Yeah. Sure. 1497 01:32:24,414 --> 01:32:28,044 "Arlene, Eddie's home! 1498 01:32:28,209 --> 01:32:31,338 I'm gonna kill the whole fucking family! 1499 01:32:31,504 --> 01:32:35,099 Me, you and our little fruitcake son!" 1500 01:32:35,258 --> 01:32:37,477 Oh, my God. 1501 01:32:37,635 --> 01:32:40,514 How's that? - That's what I'm talking about. 1502 01:32:40,680 --> 01:32:43,399 You liked that'? - Thanks for being Eddie. Ho! 1503 01:32:58,615 --> 01:33:01,576 Hey. - Hey, you ready? Um... 1504 01:33:01,743 --> 01:33:05,998 I actually don't feel very good. I was thinking about staying in tonight. 1505 01:33:06,456 --> 01:33:08,879 Okay. - Yeah. 1506 01:33:09,042 --> 01:33:11,545 You all right? - Yeah. 1507 01:33:15,006 --> 01:33:16,599 Can I come in? 1508 01:33:17,509 --> 01:33:21,183 For a minute? Sure. 1509 01:33:27,102 --> 01:33:30,613 You look nice. Thanks. You too. 1510 01:33:30,772 --> 01:33:33,070 No, I don't. 1511 01:33:33,233 --> 01:33:37,157 Is everything okay? Yeah, because we had- 1512 01:33:37,320 --> 01:33:41,666 We had such a good time, and now everything feels a little- 1513 01:33:41,825 --> 01:33:45,333 A little off. I mean, do you have a boyfriend... 1514 01:33:45,495 --> 01:33:48,089 ...or somebody you're seeing? - No. 1515 01:33:49,457 --> 01:33:52,840 No. No. 1516 01:33:53,419 --> 01:33:57,174 Something that I did? No, no, no. 1517 01:33:57,340 --> 01:33:58,762 No? 1518 01:34:02,387 --> 01:34:04,014 Well... 1519 01:34:05,140 --> 01:34:08,143 ...um... ...I'm pregnant. 1520 01:34:11,146 --> 01:34:14,528 Hm. You're pregnant. 1521 01:34:20,029 --> 01:34:21,656 Is it, uh...? 1522 01:34:23,491 --> 01:34:26,335 So-? It's me, you mean? 1523 01:34:28,538 --> 01:34:31,925 Yeah. Heh. I know. 1524 01:34:32,083 --> 01:34:34,677 You sure? - Yeah. 1525 01:34:34,836 --> 01:34:39,933 I mean, the timing's right, and I haven't been with anyone else, so. 1526 01:34:40,091 --> 01:34:42,970 You haven't been with anyone else? You gotta be honest with me. 1527 01:34:43,136 --> 01:34:45,389 Can you blame me? I gotta ask you. 1528 01:34:45,555 --> 01:34:47,398 I mean, I have to. 1529 01:34:51,394 --> 01:34:54,523 I've gotta make sure that it's my child. 1530 01:34:56,107 --> 01:34:57,484 Wow. 1531 01:34:58,151 --> 01:35:00,199 Okay. Um... 1532 01:35:01,779 --> 01:35:03,326 No. 1533 01:35:04,157 --> 01:35:06,285 It's yours. 1534 01:35:13,708 --> 01:35:15,927 Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. 1535 01:35:16,085 --> 01:35:19,009 I'm not- - No. You're not as shocked as I am. 1536 01:35:19,172 --> 01:35:21,300 Yeah, I am. - No, you're not. 1537 01:35:21,466 --> 01:35:24,811 Wow. Um... 1538 01:35:26,304 --> 01:35:28,227 You know, I wasn't gonna... 1539 01:35:28,389 --> 01:35:30,892 ...do this, and I made the appointment at the clinic... 1540 01:35:31,059 --> 01:35:34,529 ...and I drove myself down there, and I... 1541 01:35:35,355 --> 01:35:38,029 ...couldn't get out of the car. It was the weirdest thing. 1542 01:35:38,191 --> 01:35:42,412 L- I just kept thinking about... 1543 01:35:42,570 --> 01:35:47,417 ...the talk that we had and talking about my mom and I- 1544 01:35:48,076 --> 01:35:51,671 You know, I felt like I couldn't... 1545 01:35:51,829 --> 01:35:54,833 ...make this baby feel unwanted the way I was. 1546 01:35:54,999 --> 01:35:58,344 And I just- l_§ 1547 01:35:58,503 --> 01:36:03,475 I feel like I'm never gonna have this opportunity again, you know, and... 1548 01:36:04,133 --> 01:36:07,057 ...so I'm gonna give it a shot... 1549 01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:10,144 ...and I'm excited. 1550 01:36:14,477 --> 01:36:16,900 So I have nothing to say about this? 1551 01:36:17,855 --> 01:36:21,488 What do you have to say? Well, maybe I don't wanna be a father again. 1552 01:36:21,651 --> 01:36:24,825 Okay. Well, you don't have to be a father. Nobody's asking you. 1553 01:36:24,988 --> 01:36:28,413 But I'm gonna be the father and I'm gonna be an older father, which... 1554 01:36:28,574 --> 01:36:31,202 ...I don't expect you to understand, but I am. 1555 01:36:31,369 --> 01:36:34,919 I can't even guarantee how long I'll be around for the child. 1556 01:36:35,665 --> 01:36:38,214 I'm... Um... 1557 01:36:39,210 --> 01:36:42,214 Actually, it's me having the baby, not you... 1558 01:36:42,380 --> 01:36:45,975 ...and so you are, like I said, off the hook. 1559 01:36:46,134 --> 01:36:48,637 I'm not off the hook. I'm sorry. I'm not off the hook. 1560 01:36:48,803 --> 01:36:51,101 Okay. I'm not asking you. - I'm not off the hook. 1561 01:36:51,264 --> 01:36:54,108 I'm the father, and you're telling me that I'm off the hook? 1562 01:36:54,267 --> 01:36:57,111 No. This is- - You can't just decide this on your own. 1563 01:36:57,270 --> 01:36:59,193 Doesn't work that way. I'm sorry. - I can. 1564 01:36:59,355 --> 01:37:02,359 It does affect me. - And I just did decide. Thank you. 1565 01:37:02,525 --> 01:37:04,368 Yes. I did decide this. - It affects me. 1566 01:37:04,527 --> 01:37:06,950 No. It doesn't. It doesn't affect you. 1567 01:37:07,113 --> 01:37:09,081 It does. - You have nothing to do with it. 1568 01:37:09,240 --> 01:37:11,117 You have the baby, it doesn't affect me? 1569 01:37:11,284 --> 01:37:13,582 You're not giving me any choice. -Okay, well- 1570 01:37:13,745 --> 01:37:17,591 You did have a choice! You just said you didn't wanna be a father. 1571 01:37:17,749 --> 01:37:21,970 I didn't say- I said, I don't know if I wanna be a father again. 1572 01:37:22,128 --> 01:37:25,382 That's fine. I don't want you to be! I don't need you to be! 1573 01:37:25,548 --> 01:37:29,303 If this hadn't happened, I'd run into you in five years. You'd be with a little kid. 1574 01:37:29,469 --> 01:37:31,972 You gonna tell me, “By the way, this is your child"? 1575 01:37:32,138 --> 01:37:34,766 You didn't want anything to do with it! - Pregnant with my child... 1576 01:37:34,932 --> 01:37:37,105 ...and you wouldn't tell me. - So fucking what?! 1577 01:37:37,268 --> 01:37:40,229 There you go! - So fucking what?! 1578 01:37:40,396 --> 01:37:42,945 "Fuck you. I'll have the child." - You should get that. 1579 01:37:43,649 --> 01:37:46,277 This is- Unbelievable. 1580 01:37:46,444 --> 01:37:48,412 Ah, fuck. Fuck this. 1581 01:37:48,571 --> 01:37:50,744 This is fucking crazy. 1582 01:37:51,824 --> 01:37:54,794 Miller, I'm busy. I don't wanna talk business when I'm here. 1583 01:37:54,952 --> 01:37:56,829 No. I don't wanna talk to you right now. 1584 01:37:56,996 --> 01:37:59,590 Miller, what is it? What do you wanna-? -Goddamn it. 1585 01:37:59,957 --> 01:38:02,176 I don't have time to talk right now. What is it? 1586 01:38:02,335 --> 01:38:06,256 You're viral again. -What? - Yeah. Something about, uh, "poopie"? 1587 01:38:07,340 --> 01:38:09,968 And a bunch of retirees? 1588 01:38:10,468 --> 01:38:11,515 ♪ Holy shit ♪ 1589 01:38:11,677 --> 01:38:14,897 ♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie S' 1590 01:38:15,056 --> 01:38:17,400 ♪ Pm makin' I'm makin' shit a' 1591 01:38:17,558 --> 01:38:21,313 ♪ I'm makin' I'm makin' poopie S' 1592 01:38:21,479 --> 01:38:25,029 Over three million views in eight hours, and it is still climbing. 1593 01:38:25,191 --> 01:38:27,910 You are on Kimmel. You're on Fallon. 1594 01:38:28,069 --> 01:38:30,242 So I got a call from Carol Bock from RAW TV. 1595 01:38:30,405 --> 01:38:32,248 Carol Bock. What the fuck does she want? 1596 01:38:32,407 --> 01:38:34,876 She needs a host for a reality-show pilot. 1597 01:38:35,034 --> 01:38:37,128 It shoots on Monday in New York. 1598 01:38:37,286 --> 01:38:39,209 Monday- So soon? 1599 01:38:39,372 --> 01:38:41,966 They had D'Angelo signed. He had to drop out at the last minute. 1600 01:38:42,125 --> 01:38:45,970 Of course. He's got a better manager. No, he got pancreatic cancer. 1601 01:38:47,630 --> 01:38:51,430 Timing is everything. Heh. Cancer. Who'd he steal that from? 1602 01:38:51,592 --> 01:38:54,929 Okay. I'm coming. - All right. Don't leave me hanging. 1603 01:38:55,096 --> 01:38:57,519 Yeah. I said, I'm coming! Yeah. 1604 01:39:00,726 --> 01:39:02,694 ♪ I'm making poopie N' 1605 01:39:02,854 --> 01:39:06,324 ♪ It's good to be alive S' 1606 01:39:06,482 --> 01:39:09,735 Yeah. ♪ Makin' shit I'm makin' a' 1607 01:39:09,902 --> 01:39:13,365 ♪ I'm makin' N' BOTH: Poopie! - I'm makin' shit! 1608 01:39:15,783 --> 01:39:18,999 Well, well. -Hey, Mac. -What have we here? 1609 01:39:19,162 --> 01:39:21,711 The comedian slithering out? 1610 01:39:21,873 --> 01:39:25,589 Look, I got a gig in New York. It's important. Let me tell you something. 1611 01:39:25,751 --> 01:39:27,674 Back in the day, when I was making book... 1612 01:39:27,837 --> 01:39:31,683 ...I knew who was gonna lose and who was gonna win. I had an instinct. 1613 01:39:31,841 --> 01:39:34,685 The losers, I'd deposit their money before the race ran. 1614 01:39:34,844 --> 01:39:36,266 Yeah? - Yeah. 1615 01:39:36,429 --> 01:39:38,852 You, my friend, are money in the bank. 1616 01:39:39,015 --> 01:39:41,313 Okay. So now you're saying I'm a loser? 1617 01:39:41,476 --> 01:39:44,778 Get the fuck out of here. Hey, you know... 1618 01:39:44,937 --> 01:39:48,862 ...I hear you're gonna be a grandpa. WQW! 1619 01:39:49,066 --> 01:39:51,740 Congratulations. That's exciting. 1620 01:39:51,903 --> 01:39:54,372 Just don't be surprised if the kid comes out of the womb... 1621 01:39:54,530 --> 01:39:57,704 ...with a mic, doing dick jokes. You know what I mean? 1622 01:39:59,160 --> 01:40:00,833 See you at the bris. - Look around. 1623 01:40:00,995 --> 01:40:04,124 There's people everywhere. - “Arlene." Why don't you work on that? 1624 01:40:04,290 --> 01:40:06,713 Because it really sucked the way you did it. 1625 01:40:06,876 --> 01:40:09,345 "Arlene." That's how you do it, schmuck. 1626 01:40:09,837 --> 01:40:11,839 Get it right next time. Work on it. 1627 01:40:12,006 --> 01:40:15,893 "Arlene. Arlene. Arlene." 1628 01:40:16,052 --> 01:40:19,022 ANNOUNCER". From New York City, RAW TV... 1629 01:40:19,180 --> 01:40:21,399 ...the game-changer in innovative television... 1630 01:40:21,557 --> 01:40:26,154 ...brings you Say Uncle, a new experiment in jeopardy... 1631 01:40:26,312 --> 01:40:30,317 ...starring the king of shock comedians, Jackie Burke. 1632 01:40:30,483 --> 01:40:34,204 Hello, everybody. Welcome to Say Uncle. 1633 01:40:34,362 --> 01:40:36,285 I'm your host, Jackie Burke. 1634 01:40:36,447 --> 01:40:39,951 Each week on Say Uncle, we find out if you have what it takes... 1635 01:40:40,117 --> 01:40:45,339 ...to take the pain and win cash and prizes, or will you say uncle... 1636 01:40:45,498 --> 01:40:49,253 ...and go home empty-handed, disappointing your family... 1637 01:40:49,418 --> 01:40:51,011 ...and crushing your dreams? 1638 01:40:51,170 --> 01:40:55,050 Our first contestant is Mark Chapel from Brookline, Massachusetts. 1639 01:40:56,217 --> 01:40:59,429 How you doing today, Mark? Hi. Great. 1640 01:41:01,055 --> 01:41:05,185 This week, we take you to bayou country where it's man against nature. 1641 01:41:05,351 --> 01:41:08,776 Or in this case, Mark against hundreds of pissed-off cravvfish. 1642 01:41:08,980 --> 01:41:12,776 Ooh. Look what we have for you, Mark. 1643 01:41:13,234 --> 01:41:15,783 A couple of nice ones. 1644 01:41:15,945 --> 01:41:19,532 Here we go. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Got you. 1645 01:41:19,699 --> 01:41:23,124 These pincers can inflict a lot of pain and damage. 1646 01:41:23,828 --> 01:41:26,960 You sure you're up to this, Mark? Bring it on, Uncle Jackie. 1647 01:41:27,123 --> 01:41:31,128 Right now, our two bayou babes, each married to close relatives... 1648 01:41:31,294 --> 01:41:33,763 ...are helping Mark into a swamp pirogue. 1649 01:41:33,921 --> 01:41:37,099 That was my idea. -The crawfish. -The crawfish... 1650 01:41:37,258 --> 01:41:39,135 ...and the bayou babes. That was me. 1651 01:41:39,302 --> 01:41:42,397 Don't forget, if you last two minutes with these hungry crawfish... 1652 01:41:42,555 --> 01:41:45,183 ...you'll win this new hybrid car... 1653 01:41:46,225 --> 01:41:51,072 ...a Caribbean vacation for you and your entire family... 1654 01:41:51,689 --> 01:41:55,319 ...and $10.000 in cash! 1655 01:41:56,527 --> 01:41:58,029 We got it. - Okay. 1656 01:41:58,195 --> 01:42:00,823 Are you sure you're ready for the bayou challenge, Mark? 1657 01:42:01,574 --> 01:42:05,082 Yes, Uncle Jackie. Okay. Let's start the clock. 1658 01:42:05,244 --> 01:42:09,048 Crawfish, it's dinnertime. 1659 01:42:14,253 --> 01:42:17,678 That doesn't look so bad to me. I've stayed in worse motels. 1660 01:42:17,840 --> 01:42:23,847 Though I have to say, these bedbugs are on the large size. 1661 01:42:24,013 --> 01:42:25,606 Even by New York standards. 1662 01:42:25,765 --> 01:42:29,360 Bayou babes, bring in reinforcements. 1663 01:42:31,646 --> 01:42:34,650 Wow! I thought having crabs was bad. 1664 01:42:35,524 --> 01:42:38,949 I'm not as much of a man as you are, Mark. I've gotta hand it to you. 1665 01:42:39,111 --> 01:42:42,707 You got a lot of chutzpah and a lot of balls. Oh! I think one bit me. 1666 01:42:42,865 --> 01:42:44,367 Ouch! 1667 01:42:44,909 --> 01:42:48,209 Oh, first bite. Let's hope those other mudbugs don't catch on. 1668 01:42:48,371 --> 01:42:50,749 Ahh! -Twenty-four seconds, Mark. 1669 01:42:50,915 --> 01:42:53,088 Hang in there. Hang in there. -Ow! Ow-ow! 1670 01:42:53,250 --> 01:42:55,503 Think of the cash, the money, the vacation. 1671 01:42:58,547 --> 01:43:01,050 You're gonna make it. You're gonna make it. 1672 01:43:01,217 --> 01:43:02,719 He's never gonna make it. 1673 01:43:02,885 --> 01:43:06,515 You're almost there, Mark. Keep it going. Think of the money. 1674 01:43:06,681 --> 01:43:09,355 Uncle! Uncle! - Oh! 1675 01:43:09,558 --> 01:43:12,778 Uncle! 1676 01:43:12,937 --> 01:43:16,236 Mark! MAN: Losefl 1677 01:43:16,440 --> 01:43:19,326 Ha! 1678 01:43:19,777 --> 01:43:21,245 Aw... 1679 01:43:22,321 --> 01:43:25,457 Oh. You're a disappointment, Mark. 1680 01:43:25,616 --> 01:43:27,835 You okay? You all right? 1681 01:43:27,993 --> 01:43:31,580 It's all right. It's okay. It's okay. Okay. 1682 01:43:33,249 --> 01:43:36,219 I'm sorry. I tried. I really did. 1683 01:43:36,377 --> 01:43:40,507 Oh... Honey, it's okay. I know. 1684 01:43:40,673 --> 01:43:44,643 I'm sorry. - We love you. The kids love you. MAN: You suck, Mark! 1685 01:43:45,636 --> 01:43:47,730 Say Uncle will be right back. 1686 01:43:47,888 --> 01:43:51,017 But for me, I'd rather have Stevie Wonder shave my balls... 1687 01:43:51,183 --> 01:43:54,562 ...with a fucking butcher knife than be part of this fucking reality show. 1688 01:43:54,729 --> 01:43:59,781 This is Jackie Burke saying "uncle, “ and RAW TV, you can go fuck yourself. 1689 01:43:59,942 --> 01:44:03,495 Ha-ha! PEOPLE: Ooh. Jackie. 1690 01:44:03,654 --> 01:44:06,703 I'm keeping the Safari jacket, in case I ever get booked in Africa. 1691 01:44:06,866 --> 01:44:10,332 Jackie. 1692 01:44:10,494 --> 01:44:12,167 Sorry. 1693 01:44:28,053 --> 01:44:32,479 You know, my kid, he's over 6 feet tall. I hardly ever hear from him. 1694 01:44:32,641 --> 01:44:35,986 But all of the stages are beautiful. - Yeah. 1695 01:44:36,145 --> 01:44:38,568 Oh, that lucky kid. 1696 01:44:38,731 --> 01:44:39,778 Hey. 1697 01:44:40,649 --> 01:44:42,947 Where's the Florida sunshine? 1698 01:44:50,701 --> 01:44:51,748 Hey. 1699 01:44:52,745 --> 01:44:54,839 Wow. Look at you. 1700 01:44:57,374 --> 01:45:00,423 Oh, ho, ho. 1701 01:45:00,586 --> 01:45:03,801 This is a surprise. Yeah. 1702 01:45:04,215 --> 01:45:07,593 You look beautiful. Really great. 1703 01:45:13,724 --> 01:45:17,069 Look, I just wanted to talk to you. 1704 01:45:19,271 --> 01:45:21,194 See how you are. 1705 01:45:23,192 --> 01:45:25,411 It felt strange after the way we left things. 1706 01:45:26,237 --> 01:45:28,740 I was gonna call you, but it was- 1707 01:45:28,906 --> 01:45:30,533 It didn't feel good to do that. 1708 01:45:30,699 --> 01:45:34,545 So I just decided to come here, and I wanna give you this. 1709 01:45:34,703 --> 01:45:39,425 It's a bunch of mementos, family photographs, my family. 1710 01:45:40,501 --> 01:45:42,128 In case... 1711 01:45:42,711 --> 01:45:46,341 ...he or she would want to know things about... 1712 01:45:48,634 --> 01:45:49,977 ...me. 1713 01:45:50,135 --> 01:45:52,809 Of course. Ha-ha. 1714 01:45:52,972 --> 01:45:55,600 But just so you have it. In case. You never know. 1715 01:45:55,766 --> 01:45:59,653 And you do whatever you want. If you want me to be involved... 1716 01:45:59,812 --> 01:46:02,156 ...in his or her life, fine. 1717 01:46:02,314 --> 01:46:05,409 If you don't, I won't like that, but I'll have to accept it. 1718 01:46:06,235 --> 01:46:07,407 Okay. 1719 01:46:07,570 --> 01:46:11,074 But I'm there. I want you to know, I'm there for you, for the kid. 1720 01:46:11,240 --> 01:46:14,244 That's the most important thing I want you to know. 1721 01:46:16,203 --> 01:46:19,332 I care about you a lot. You know that. 1722 01:46:20,749 --> 01:46:22,376 Okay. 1723 01:46:27,673 --> 01:46:31,010 Take care of yourself. Let's hope the kid looks like me. 1724 01:46:31,176 --> 01:46:32,644 Ha. 1725 01:47:42,039 --> 01:47:46,002 Hey, Jackie. Jackie. - Yeah. ESTEE: Sit. 1726 01:47:46,460 --> 01:47:48,758 Sit. Join us. 1727 01:47:48,921 --> 01:47:52,516 Do you wanna go on tonight? Any spot you want, just let me know. 1728 01:47:52,675 --> 01:47:55,679 Estee, why are you being so nice to me? There's something wrong. 1729 01:47:55,844 --> 01:47:58,518 Your video got more hits than 2 girls, 1 cup. It's fucking viral. 1730 01:47:58,681 --> 01:48:00,399 Sit down. - Which video? What video? 1731 01:48:00,557 --> 01:48:02,776 That Say Uncle thing. Three in a row. 1732 01:48:02,935 --> 01:48:04,937 You're more viral than Charlie Sheen. 1733 01:48:05,104 --> 01:48:08,984 "This is Jackie Burke saying 'uncle, ' and RAW TV go fuck yourself." 1734 01:48:09,149 --> 01:48:11,447 Fuck yourself. JIM: Everyone saw it, man. 1735 01:48:11,610 --> 01:48:13,658 Six million views and counting. 1736 01:48:13,821 --> 01:48:16,119 Six million? But how did they get it out? 1737 01:48:16,281 --> 01:48:18,329 It was two months ago. 1738 01:48:19,076 --> 01:48:22,796 You got it out? You finally did something good. 1739 01:48:23,330 --> 01:48:25,207 To Jackie. JIM: Congratulations, Jackie. 1740 01:48:25,374 --> 01:48:27,923 You're back, you mean motherfucker. NICK: Fist - bump it. 1741 01:48:28,085 --> 01:48:31,806 Where's your drink? This is so weird. JIM: Hey, where's my viral video? 1742 01:48:31,964 --> 01:48:35,471 Punch me in the face? -Miller the Killer. You- Miller the Killer. 1743 01:48:35,676 --> 01:48:40,981 Holy shit! 1744 01:48:41,140 --> 01:48:45,019 All right. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics. 1745 01:48:45,185 --> 01:48:46,812 If you got a handlebar mustache... 1746 01:48:46,979 --> 01:48:50,904 ...all I wanna hear you talk about is Slinkys and kazoos, and that's it. 1747 01:48:51,066 --> 01:48:52,989 You talk about kazoos for a few minutes... 1748 01:48:53,152 --> 01:48:55,575 ...then you gonna hop on a unicycle and juggle. 1749 01:48:55,738 --> 01:48:59,162 You carnival-faced motherfucker. 1750 01:48:59,324 --> 01:49:02,749 Are you guys ready for your next comedian? Make some noise. 1751 01:49:02,953 --> 01:49:04,330 Whoa'.! 1752 01:49:04,496 --> 01:49:07,875 You guys are a beautiful crowd. We have a surprise guest for tonight. 1753 01:49:08,042 --> 01:49:12,047 You might have seen him on RAW TV, snapping and telling them to fuck off. 1754 01:49:12,212 --> 01:49:15,466 Please welcome to the stage the great Jackie Burke, everybody. 1755 01:49:15,632 --> 01:49:17,430 Jackie Burke. 1756 01:49:27,478 --> 01:49:31,073 Yeah, give it up for Hannibal Buress. 1757 01:49:31,774 --> 01:49:34,493 Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. 1758 01:49:36,278 --> 01:49:39,703 Thank you. Thank you very much, folks. Thank you. This is really nice. 1759 01:49:39,865 --> 01:49:42,038 Last time I heard "Jackie" chanted like that... 1760 01:49:42,201 --> 01:49:44,750 ...I was bent over in the shower at Nassau County Correctional. 1761 01:49:48,457 --> 01:49:51,802 Okay, Jackie. You're finally working at the Comedy Cellar again. 1762 01:49:51,960 --> 01:49:55,510 Don't fuck this up. Don't curse too much. 1763 01:49:55,672 --> 01:49:57,595 Don't pull your dick out. 1764 01:49:58,008 --> 01:50:01,854 Don't attack anyone physically unless they really, really deserve it. 1765 01:50:03,722 --> 01:50:07,147 Well, looks like all my ex-wives were wrong. 1766 01:50:07,309 --> 01:50:08,526 The bitches. 1767 01:50:08,685 --> 01:50:11,529 Sometimes, it really does pay to be a total asshole. 1768 01:50:12,481 --> 01:50:15,451 And if I had known psychotic breakdowns were so entertaining... 1769 01:50:15,609 --> 01:50:18,579 ...I'd have just been myself all these years. 1770 01:50:18,737 --> 01:50:22,662 Oh, you know what? I forgot. I'm gonna be a dad. 1771 01:50:22,825 --> 01:50:24,168 Yeah. 1772 01:50:24,993 --> 01:50:28,623 You don't have to applaud. I know I'm fucking old. 1773 01:50:28,789 --> 01:50:31,633 I mean, halfway through pulling out, I fell asleep. 1774 01:50:32,334 --> 01:50:35,463 Before my sperm leaves my balls, it has to stop and ask directions. 1775 01:50:37,714 --> 01:50:41,639 Boy, you guys are great. It's nice to be in front of a young crowd like this. 1776 01:50:41,802 --> 01:50:43,600 Younger than dead. 1777 01:50:44,054 --> 01:50:46,307 I should hire you to come to all my gigs. 1778 01:50:47,474 --> 01:50:51,274 How much do you pay? - I don't know- You? l... 1779 01:50:54,022 --> 01:50:56,650 Well, I don't know. I'd give you 10 for a hand-job... 1780 01:50:56,817 --> 01:50:59,240 ...and an extra 100 if you promise not to wreck it by talking. 1781 01:51:04,366 --> 01:51:06,539 Jackie, Jackie, Jackie. 1782 01:51:34,730 --> 01:51:41,284 ♪ Oh, say does that star-spangled banner Yet wave ♪ 1783 01:51:41,653 --> 01:51:45,908 ♪ O'er the land of the free ♪ 1784 01:51:46,074 --> 01:51:50,796 IAnd the home of the... N' 1785 01:51:50,996 --> 01:51:54,337 You made it. -The plane was delayed. -It's okay. 1786 01:51:54,499 --> 01:51:57,378 Okay, everyone. Have a seat, have a seat, and take a bow, Amaya. 1787 01:51:57,544 --> 01:52:00,047 Okay. Okay. Thank you. 1788 01:52:00,589 --> 01:52:04,100 Great. Oh, isn't she cute? -Hi, Gary. -Hey, Jackie. -We're next. 1789 01:52:04,259 --> 01:52:10,107 Our next very, very talented youngster we have is, Miss Ralli Berkowitz. 1790 01:52:10,265 --> 01:52:13,899 Come on out, Ralli. 1791 01:52:16,772 --> 01:52:18,524 Oh, no. Here we go. 1792 01:52:19,608 --> 01:52:22,782 So, what's the deal with chores and allowances? 1793 01:52:22,945 --> 01:52:25,039 I turn 8, and my mom says: 1794 01:52:25,197 --> 01:52:28,451 "I'll give you $10 a week to make your room... 1795 01:52:28,617 --> 01:52:32,212 ...wash the dishes and clean the cat's litter box." 1796 01:52:32,371 --> 01:52:36,126 Ten dollars? That's slave labor. 1797 01:52:39,211 --> 01:52:41,964 I go to our neighbor's house, and I say: 1798 01:52:42,130 --> 01:52:44,758 "What will you give me if I make your room... 1799 01:52:44,925 --> 01:52:48,475 ...wash your dishes and clean your cat's litter box?" 1800 01:52:48,637 --> 01:52:51,231 Neighbor says, "I don't have a cat." 1801 01:52:51,390 --> 01:52:53,984 So I piss in her hallway and say: 1802 01:52:54,142 --> 01:52:57,737 "You go to 15 a week, and I'll supply the pussy." 1803 01:52:57,938 --> 01:53:01,199 Oh, my God. 1804 01:53:02,192 --> 01:53:04,445 Oh, my gosh. 1805 01:53:04,611 --> 01:53:06,613 This fucking thing on? 1806 01:53:06,822 --> 01:53:10,750 Thanks so much, Ralli. Okay. 1807 01:53:10,909 --> 01:53:13,958 Very good. Thank you. Okay, sweetheart. Good. All right. 1808 01:53:14,121 --> 01:53:17,879 Okay. Right. Thanks so much, Ralli. 1809 01:53:18,041 --> 01:53:19,463 Right. Thanks, honey. 1810 01:53:19,626 --> 01:53:22,049 All right. Wonderful. 1811 01:53:22,212 --> 01:53:25,261 And we have... Did you teach her that? 1812 01:53:26,008 --> 01:53:28,932 I would never teach her anything like that. 1813 01:53:33,890 --> 01:53:37,690 ♪ Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide? a' 1814 01:53:37,853 --> 01:53:41,858 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby, Would I lie to you ♪ 1815 01:53:42,024 --> 01:53:43,241 ♪ Oh, yeah I 1816 01:53:43,400 --> 01:53:46,870 ♪ Don't you know it's true Girl, there's no one else but you a' 1817 01:53:47,029 --> 01:53:50,954 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby, yeah I' 1818 01:53:53,076 --> 01:53:56,205 ♪ Everybody wants to know the truth S' 1819 01:53:57,456 --> 01:54:00,676 ♪ In my arms is the only proof a' 1820 01:54:01,710 --> 01:54:05,431 ♪ I gave my heart Behind the bedroom door r 1821 01:54:06,715 --> 01:54:10,345 ♪ Now it's open I can't do no more S' 1822 01:54:10,886 --> 01:54:16,063 ♪ I'm telling you baby You will never find another girl I' 1823 01:54:16,224 --> 01:54:19,979 ♪ In this heart of mine Oh I 1824 01:54:20,145 --> 01:54:24,070 ♪ Look into my eyes Can't you see they're open wide? a' 1825 01:54:24,232 --> 01:54:28,738 ♪ Would I lie to you, baby Would I lie to you ♪ 1826 01:54:29,154 --> 01:54:32,916 ♪ Whoo S' ♪ Would I lie to you? S' 1827 01:54:33,075 --> 01:54:35,453 ♪ Will you want to see me Night and day a' 1828 01:54:35,702 --> 01:54:39,297 ♪ Would I lie to you Do you think I give my love away a' 1829 01:54:40,248 --> 01:54:44,674 ♪ Would I He That's not the kind of game I play N' 1830 01:59:52,227 --> 01:59:54,229 Translated by: Will Motomura 1831 01:59:57,229 --> 02:00:01,229 Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com 155809