All language subtitles for Santa.Clarita.Diet.S02E10.WEB.x264-STRiFE

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com

That's it. If homicide detectives
start looking into our missing people,

we're done.

Maybe we'll be okay.
The storage units are under fake names

and we've started to kill
outside of our friend circle.

You're defrosting an elbow
in our microwave.

We are terrible murderers!

Well, maybe they'll be
terrible detectives.

We wouldn't survive
a terrible cleaning woman.

So, what are you saying?

We should think about leaving
before it's too late.

- Leaving? Where would we go?
- I don't know.

We'd just keep going
until we found someplace safe.

What about Abby?

She's still in school.
She can't live like a fugitive.

We could stop in Phoenix
and drop her at your sister's.

Oh, my God.
You've really thought about this.

Since the day you killed Gary.

If we get caught,
we'll never see each other again.

And if Abby's with us,
she could end up in prison, too.

We don't have a lot of good choices.

No, but we do have Gary.

Right. I guess we'd take him with us.

He's small and he knows a lot of jokes.

No, I'm saying that
Anne's theory is that

the same person killed Dan and Gary.

But if we can prove
that Dan and Gary are alive,

it destroys her case.

So what are you suggesting?
We walk into a sheriff's office,

hold up Gary's head and say
"Look, we're innocent.

We killed this guy,
but he won't stay dead."

Of course not.

But sort of.

I want your opinion on my plan to blow

up the trailer on the fracking site.

Really? You said you didn't want my

input 'cause I'm not doing it with you.

What was that animal you compared me to?

Was it a brave creature?
Oh, no, that's right, a mouse.

But we made up.

I'm not sure you specifically apolog...

- We made up.
- Thank you, I accept.

Also my pride has been replaced
by how much I like my hands

and how hard it would be to drive home
if my arms ended at my wrists.

This is the explosive device
I'm thinking of using.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Ooh!

Um...

Oh, okay.
Yeah, I mean, this'll probably work.

I'm thinking, with explosives,

"this will probably work"
isn't where I wanna be.

I mean, there are a couple of issues,
but nothing you can't fix.

- When do you need it?
- Tonight.

Oh, my God, you're gonna die.

They're having a press rollout tomorrow

talking about how great it is to fuck
the Earth with their toxic semen,

so their trailer needs to be
a smoking hole in the ground by morning.

Wow, you will never work
in corporate PR.

Okay. Instead of transporting
and assembling these volatile materials,

it'd be safer to use
what's already there.

The trailer has propane tanks.

Why not create a simple device
to explode those?

Genius.

Is there anyone in this room
who could build such a device?

There is one person.

Have I told that person
how much I love him?

- No.
- As a friend?

Constantly.

Seriously, Eric, my hands thank you.

Ha! Your hands. That's cute.

You would've been blown
so high into the stratosphere,

you'd come down as rain in Europe.

So, using this burner phone,
you'll record a message to Dan.

- Which is left on this burner phone.
- Neither of which are traceable.

And we'll plant that phone
somewhere Anne will find it.

"What's this? Why, it's a phone
that must've belonged to Dan."

Curious, she'll listen to the voicemail.

"I'm a cop. I wanna know everything.
It's so annoying."

She'll hear your message to Dan.

"Oh, my, Gary and Dan are still alive.

I should learn
to leave well enough alone."

And her whole theory will implode.
Ba-boom!

Or since it's imploding, boom-ba!

So, what do you think?

- How's everyone's morning?
- What?

Just making conversation.
Excuse me for wanting human contact.

I was here yesterday.

I scratched your ears
and we listened to Quadrophenia.

- For 15 minutes.
- I had to visit a clam farm

so the world wouldn't end,
and then get a rocket fired at me.

I didn't say you're not important,
Mr. Big Shot.

Okay, my morning was great, Gary.

I went to the new Save 'n Save, bought

two burner phones, these bracelets,

and a pair of barbecue tongs,
all for only $38.

I love that you're a smart shopper,
and we did need new tongs.

But since our lives depend on it,
I might not have bought

- the cheapest phones on Earth.
- They're fine.

You're just upset 'cause you can't play
Flappy Dunk on them.

So, we're thinking something like,

"Hey, Dan, it's Gary.
I'm on my way to Mexico to find you."

"I have your laundered drug money.

And please don't send
another Serbian goon

to cut off a finger
like you did before."

The Serbian thing connects
another missing person we killed.

- But only if you can work it in.
- Try to work it in.

I'm just saying, if you load it up
with too much exposition...

- It'll be better.
- Or it might not be believable.

- Try to work it in.
- Or don't. Shall we?

Hey, Dan. It's Gary. I'm on my
way to Mexico to meet with you.

But since I'm only a head, it may
take me a few years to roll there.

Delete.

Sorry, I'm just... rarely
the center of attention anymore.

Fine. Let's do this.

Hey, Dan. It's Gary.
How's the weather in Mexico?

And by "Mexico,"
I mean the inside Sheila's stomach.

- That's two.
- Delete.

Hey, Dan. It's Gary.

I've laundered your money. I'll meet
you in Guadalajara on Thursday.

I'll be wearing a Padres cap
and nothing else.

♪ Oh, the shark, babe
Has such teeth, dear ♪

I heard Joel killed you with a shovel
and then Sheila ate you.

With her teeth, dear.

♪ And she shows them ♪

So, I will see you in Guadalajara
with the money next week.

We did it, buddy. We're rich.

- Perfect. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Now, I want you guys
to do something for me.

- Why do your ears get so itchy?
- No, it's not that.

I want you to kill me.

- What?
- My niece and Hailey are safe.

I don't have a purpose anymore.

I don't wanna sit in a vase
forever, guys. That's no life.

But we just started rewatching The Wire.

Joel...

I'm ready to die.

I know you've gotten
to be friends with him, honey,

but if Gary wants to die, or be deader,
I think we need to help him.

I know, but I just started to like
having him around.

It's like taking in a stray dog.

Housebreaking him,
letting him sleep on your bed...

Then one day you're playing fetch

and he comes back with a gun
and asks you to shoot him.

Abby's on her way.

Listen, if this phone thing doesn't work

and we get caught,
I think I should take the fall.

- Joel.
- We'll say I'm a serial killer

who's cannibal-curious,
and you had no idea.

People are surprised
by their spouses all the time.

Judy Plumpton just found out

that Bob doesn't like
any form of chickpeas,

and they've been married 20 years.
How crazy is that?

- Honey...
- That way, you can stay with Abby.

And I'd be fine in prison.

I make friends super easy
and I love bunk beds.

You're also a picky eater

and you don't like people
touching your stuff.

Plus, there's no guarantee
you'll get the top bunk.

Hey, guys, what's up?

We know you've been working really hard
on a school project,

so we decided to make you some lunch.

Lunch. Oh, boy!

Sensing an agenda, but whatever.

Alphabet soup? Oh, boy! And I mean it.

I haven't even done anything
and it already says "fart."

Like it knows who's eating it.

So, are you guys coming
to my mom's baptism later?

Prepare yourselves.
Anne invited a ton of her friends,

so it's gonna be wall-to-wall cops.

- They forgot.
- We didn't forget.

But I am wondering,
how important is it that we go?

Not at all? I agree.

I think it's gonna be suspicious
if we don't go.

Besides, Anne may be
the instrument of our doom,

but she's still my friend
and this baptism is important to her.

The gal does love her some God.

Yeah, she sees His work
in everything we do.

I know that because she crocheted me
a pillow that says,

"I see His work in everything we do."

It must be nice to have the comfort
and clarity of religion.

The only things I believe in enough
to put on a pillow are

"I'm winging it"
and "All races taste the same."

Oh, Anne also invited the head
of the homicide unit, Bill Ramirez.

I met him once. Super intimidating.

I confessed to stealing Milk Duds when

I was seven, which I didn't even do.

So, there's that, too.

Bill Ramirez, honey. There's that, too.

I know, sweetheart,
but we still have to go.

Fine. Then we're gonna need
your help with something.

- So this lunch was a bribe?
- No.

We just feel guilty
because we're gonna ask you

to do something
that's potentially dangerous.

And we wanted to give you a treat
to incentivize you to go...

Oh, it is a bribe.

Wow, I can't believe
your family's survival comes down to us.

My parents can't sneak around your house
trying to hide a phone.

What if they got caught?

Which you know they would
because they're not good at anything.

Apart from being realtors. And they
don't even pronounce that right.

It's just when it comes
to being clandestine,

spelling dirty words in alphabet soup

is kind of the edge of my comfort zone.

- Are my mom and Anne still in the yard?
- Yeah, still putting out chairs.

Okay.

All right,
I got one of Dan's flak jackets.

I'm placing the phone in the pocket,

but not so deep that Anne won't hear it
when we call and...

Huh.

What?

This is C4.

That's a military-grade explosive.
Why would Dan have this?

Because he was reckless and stupid.

- Let's take it. I can use it tonight.
- Wait, what? No.

Abby, you shouldn't go tonight, anyway.
There's way too much happening.

Just give it a few days,
see if things settle down.

Things are never going to settle down.

You don't know that.

Eric, it might not be now, but one

day, they're going to come for my mom.

And when that happens,
our lives are over.

So before this ends, I wanna know
that I was here, that I existed.

I need to make a mark.

- By destroying something?
- By saving something.

And I don't have time
to wait for someone else to do it.

I really admire your commitment
and steely resolve,

but I wish you didn't have any of it.

Someone's coming.

Hey.

- You see, 'cause it's blue...
- And green.

And green. That's how you know.

- Eric, Abby.
- Hi.

What are you guys doing?

Eric has something
he wants to say to you

on this, the holy day of Lisa's baptism.

Eric?

Today is my mother's baptism.

It'll be sunny and warm,
high in the mid-90s.

Ha! He's so shy. I'll start him off.

He just wants to say
how much he appreciates

everything you've done for Lisa

and how happy he is
that you're in their lives.

- Okay, buddy?
- Okay.

The rest is up to you.

- I mean, she pretty much said it.
- Thank you, Eric. That's sweet.

I love your mother,
and I think you're pretty great, too.

Oh, well...

Well, I'm just gonna grab
some sunscreen.

Wait! Would it be weird
if I called you "Mother"?

No, that is weird
and not at all necessary, but thank you.

What the hell is that?

Sounds like it's coming from the closet.

Dan's closet?

What? That's impossible.

Wow. That's a lot of cops.

It's going to be okay, honey.
Abby said Anne found the phone.

We don't know if she heard
Gary's message, or if she ever will.

Listen, if things go south,
we should have a panic word.

A panic word?

Yeah. Something that if one of us says,

the other will know
there's trouble and we have to go.

A word we wouldn't ordinarily use,
like... halibut.

- Halibut?
- It doesn't have to be halibut.

I vote it's not.
Everything's gonna be fine.

We, mostly you, just need to be calm.

- Look at how relaxed everyone is.
- Maybe none of them are murderers.

That would free up
a lot of mental bandwidth.

Or maybe they're just
all religious like Anne.

She's never stressed out.

Maybe we should join a church.
It could be good for us.

Maybe. It would be nice to give
the weekend some structure.

But right now, let's just get through

this and avoid that Bill Ramirez guy.

- I know. Which one do you think he is?
- Hello. Bill Ramirez.

Bill Ramirez!

- Honey!
- I'm seeing him.

I can tell by how you comport yourselves

that you're the only people here
not in law enforcement.

You got us. We're the Hammonds.

- This is my Joel husband.
- Dah!

- She means, Joel, husband.
- Husband, Joel. There it is.

And this is my wife, Joel. Wow.
Sheila. My wife, Sheila.

And you're right, we're not
in law enforcement. We're "realators."

So, Hammonds, you guys knew Dan, right?

We sure did. He lived right next door.

I thought he lived here.

Uh, next door to us, which is next door.

To him.

- Where he lived.
- Which is here.

- Not there.
- Where we are.

- Although, not now.
- No. Now we're over here.

Hello. Hi.

I'm gonna go put this down.
It was so nice to meet you.

Yes.

Jesus Christ, we just spent ten minutes

explaining the concept of "next door."

What happened to you?
I'm the one that's shitty at this.

I got nervous.

He's a homicide detective
and we're homicide enthusiasts.

It's not a good match.

Hey.

- We don't have to leave town.
- Wait, what?

Anne heard the message from Gary.

She was totally bummed,
said her whole case collapsed.

She's canceling her meeting
with Bill Ramirez next week.

- Oh, my God.
- We did it!

We, mostly you, are fucking masterminds.

Unbelievable. Something you guys planned
actually worked.

If this happens a thousand more times,

I may have to rethink
my perception of you.

I love it when you almost respect us.

I'm getting a drink. You need anything?

Just to revel in my fucking glory.

- Hey, guys.
- Hiya.

Hey, Sheila. You look beautiful.

I love those bracelets.
I can never wear anything like that.

The Lord gave me these giant wrists.

What are you talking about?
Your wrists are lovely.

When Anne was a little girl,
her father told her she had man-wrists.

Totally fucked her up.

Men are capable of such specific abuse.

Anne, everything about you is beautiful,
inside and out.

And that goes for all of you.
You are awesome, strong, loving women,

and I am so grateful
that we are all gonna get to be friends

for the rest of our lives.

- That's so sweet.
- Hello, ladies. How's everyone's day?

Oh, great now.
It was pretty sucky earlier.

Really? That's terrible. I'm sorry
that happened, whatever it was.

Anne found an old phone of Dan's.

There was a message on it from Gary,
who's still alive.

- Get out!
- Holy cow!

Right? And Dan's in Mexico.

Probably getting his dick fixed.
That man was all kinds of crooked.

Anyway, because of that voicemail,
Anne's entire theory imploded.

Boom-ba!

Because it's an implosion.

I'm sorry, Anne.
But the important thing is is you tried.

And now you can stop trying.

At least I found more evidence
that Dan was a dirty cop.

I sent the phone to our tech guy to

see what else he could get off of it.

Texts, deleted voice messages, emails...

- Hang on.
- Yeah, hang on.

Did you say deleted voice messages?

Because they're deleted,
which means they're gone,

so why are we even talking about it?
Goodbye. End of story.

Actually, most people don't know this,

but phone companies store
deleted voice messages for a few days

in case a customer wants to retrieve one
or law enforcement wants to listen.

- I did not know that.
- I didn't either.

Me neither.

So, did your bisexuality sneak up on you

or did it burn inside
you for a long time?

Who cares? What is it with you
and missing people, anyway?

It's like you're obsessed.

Well, solving crime is my calling, Joel.

I believe I serve God
by bringing evildoers to justice.

Halibut. I want halibut.

I'm going to the food table
to see if there's halibut.

Sometimes he craves really good
whitefish. Everyone says it's okay.

We are not acting normal, mostly you.

Everything is on those deleted messages.
Everything!

That I killed Dan, that you ate Gary...

Well, we just have to figure out
a way to erase them.

We can't erase them.

- There must be something we can do.
- Sheila.

- Someone that can help.
- Sheila!

There's nothing we can do.

They're going to find them,
maybe even today, and arrest us.

We have to get out now!

I can't. This is our home.

Honey, it's over.

Go home and start packing.

I'll go to the storage unit
and get enough food to go on the road.

We'll leave in an hour.

- What about Gary?
- I'll get him, too.

And if he still wants to die, then
we can do it on our way out of town.

I'll call my sister and tell her
that we're bringing Abby.

We'll be okay, honey.

And when we get settled,
we'll send for her.

We'll be a family again.

I know.

And let's not tell her about your sister
until we're on the road.

Yeah. Abby's gonna have
an opinion about that.

Opinion about what?

Oh, God.

What's going on?

The phone thing didn't work.
It made it worse.

Oh, no.

- My family's leaving.
- Leaving?

- When?
- In an hour.

- Jesus.
- Eric, listen.

We're gonna keep knowing each other,
okay? We're just taking a break.

- I wanna go with you.
- You can't. You know that.

I have to go.

Okay.

Should we kiss?

I feel like if we kiss,
I'll never see you again.

Yeah.

Let's kiss anyway.

Well, we did that.

Yes, we did.

What?

I'm gonna blow
that fracking trailer up tonight.

- My tribute to you.
- Oh, cool. Thanks.

You mean,
"Eric, you don't have to do that."

- No, it's great.
- Abby, I'm doing it.

Mm-hmm.

Gary's in a bowling ball bag in the car,
so, glad we're finally using that.

Abby's pulling camping stuff
out of the garage.

- How's it going in here?
- Good. Your stuff's in that bag.

You packed me, like, all my lingerie.
No shoes or pants?

Did I? I'm panicking, so my lizard brain

is making a lot of the decisions.

Listen, we may not have time
to discuss this again.

If we get caught...

Honey, I'm the one responsible
for this, so I...

It has to be me. Do you understand?

If they find out what you are,
you won't even get to prison.

So, please, I need you to promise,

if it comes to it,
you'll let me take the blame.

I promise.

Okay, good. So, socks.

- Three pairs or all of 'em?
- Aunt Kathy called.

She said something
about getting a room ready for me.

- Right. We were gonna tell you.
- Yeah, we're not doing that.

We don't even know where we're going.
We might be living on the road.

Hey, we're a family.

If you fuckers
try to leave me somewhere,

I will track you down
and give you so much shit,

it'll make the time you didn't take me
to see One Direction

feel like a walk in the goddamn park.

I told you she'd have an opinion.

All right. Go pack.

Please. I've had my go-bag ready
since you killed Gary.

By the way,
you're taking too much stuff.

Also, you should go to the bank
and withdraw as much cash as you can

before they freeze your accounts.

What were we thinking?
We're so gonna need her.

I agree with Abby.
It feels like too much stuff.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

And why are we bringing
the toaster oven?

- We just bought it.
- Hey, guys.

What's up? You going on a trip?

No, no. We're just donating
a bunch of things to Goodwill.

We were so inspired by Lisa's baptism.

It was beautiful.
I didn't see you guys after.

- We ran home to give our things away.
- That's right. It all connects.

All our ducks, right in a row.

Well, I just wanted to come over
and thank you for what you said

about always being friends.

I was feeling pretty bummed
about my case falling apart,

and you reminded me
what's really important.

Well, I'm so glad. I really meant it.

I'm just really thankful that God
brought you into my life.

I am, too, Anne.

Here. I want you to have these.
For your beautiful wrists.

Wow, thank you so much, Sheila.

Hey, you know, as long you're giving

stuff away, could I have this guitar?

My guitar?

I've always wanted to learn how to play.

- Okay.
- Great, thanks.

Oh, are these men's clothes?
My brother would love this stuff.

He's been a little down
on his luck lately.

- Okay.
- Great. Thanks.

Oh.

Oh, it's my tech guy.

Hey, Steve.
What'd you find on Dan's phone?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Wow.

Are you sure about that?

Okay. Thanks.

- Well, it's all over, guys.
- I'm gonna throw up.

They couldn't find anything. Did you
just say you were gonna throw up?

It can wait. Go on.

Well, it turns out Dan was using
a super cheap burner phone

and the company doesn't keep
deleted voice mails.

- Really?
- Wow!

Dan is a pretty brilliant criminal,

buying the cheapest phone he could find.

God, I love him.

I mean the same way
I love Hitler or Stalin.

They were all babies once.

Okay. Hey, maybe I'll snag
this toaster oven, too.

Lisa could use a new one.

Could you just stuff your clothes
under my arm here?

I'm running out of hands.

Thank you. All right, I'll see you guys.

- So we're staying?
- Yeah. We're safe.

She took all my stuff.

- Yeah, we're lucky she's not a bowler.
- Speaking of which,

I'd love to get out of this bag
and stretch my... face.

You got it, buddy.
Let's run back to the storage unit.

We can try soaking your neck in whiskey

like you wanted, see if you get a buzz.

Actually, Joel,
I still want you to kill me tonight.

- Abby.
- We're not leaving.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You guys are getting our toaster oven.
- Okay.

So, I can do this tonight.
You don't have to anymore.

It'll be safer if I go with you.

I lost you once today.
I don't wanna lose you again.

Okay. We'll leave
as soon as it gets dark.

Yes, I'm sure.

You think this is enough C4?

That on a propane tank?

It'll light up the sky
from here to Fresno.

Great. Let's take more.

- So you wanna talk about the kiss?
- I don't think so.

Cool. Don't need to.

When I first met Gary West,
I was not a fan.

Oh, the feeling was mutual, my friend.

But now, though he's only ten
inches tall, I look up to him.

Son of a...

I'll never forget the night
we thought Sheila killed Carl.

I found myself
in the storage unit with Gary.

I was pretty upset
until he shared this story

about the time he saw Paul Shaffer at a

car wash holding this super tiny cat

that somehow Gary, knucklehead,
thought was a woman's glove.

Its legs looked like
furry little fingers.

Why would he be cradling
a woman's glove?

I thought he was sad
because he lost the other one.

- It makes no sense!
- Classic Gary. So funny.

We could go on all night,
and almost have.

- Right.
- Ah.

Gary, you've been someone I can talk to,

someone who listens, who has opinions,

especially when it comes to baseball.

- Ugh, fucking Padres.
- Who roots for the Padres?

- I'm from San Diego!
- Maybe I'll come back and pick you up.

No, no, no, let's do it.

Come on, right now, quick and clean.

Yeah.

We got this a couple weeks ago
when we thought we needed it for me.

It's pretty, isn't it?

We thought you might enjoy being
shot with it through a silk pillow.

Oh!

You guys are the best.

I mean, sure, you disemboweled me
and buried me alive,

but after that...

you really stepped up.
I'm gonna miss you both.

Bye, Gary.

Aw.

- Bye, buddy.
- Goodbye, Gary.

I can't.

You worried about killing
half the world's Padres fans?

Can you do it?

One, two...

Cha-cha-cha.

You're right. It's too hard.
It feels wrong.

- Someone's coming!
- Oh!

Hide the head! Hide the fucking head!

- I have a name.
- Shit!

If you're gonna bury someone out here,

you should turn your cell phones off
so they can't be tracked.

What?

That's crazy.

I don't know what you're talking about,
even a little.

I realized I heard that sound somewhere.

We did it, buddy. We're rich.

It was on Gary's voice message.

You guys were there when he recorded it.
It all makes sense now.

Why Joel's always nervous around me,
your obsession with my case,

even why you were loading up
your car today.

You guys killed Dan.

Why else would you try so hard
to make me think he was alive?

You're both murderers.

No.

Not both of us.

- Just...
- Me.

- What are you doing?
- If I go away, Abby lives with you,

and she has a chance at a normal life.

If you're gone, she'll never have that.

But you promised. It was gonna be me.

Joel.

It was always gonna be me.

No.

We're leaving, Anne.

And if you happen to have my guitar,
I'll take that, too.

You're never getting that guitar.

And you're also not leaving.

Guys, come on. Put the guns down!

Your lady weapon is only good
from about five feet away, Joel.

- Then I'll move closer.
- Then I'll shoot you.

- You're not gonna shoot me.
- I will shoot you.

I don't know her that well.

- You're not gonna shoot me.
- I will shoot you.

- You're not gonna shoot...
- Oh, my God, new plan!

Okay, you shot me.

It's your training. I'm not mad.

How... how...? What...?

Anne, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Then I'm hoping you're gonna let us go.

- I can't let you go.
- I died and then I came back to life.

And now I hunt people to survive.

But only bad people.

In a way, it's like what you do,
only we're volunteers.

- That's impossible.
- You just shot her.

- You can shoot her again if you want.
- Yeah, you can totally shoot...

Whoa.

Anne does not have a problem
shooting people.

So... you've risen from the dead?

And... and you're doing God's work
by ridding the world of evildoers?

Is that what you're saying?

- It's not not what we're saying.
- That... that can't be true.

- This is a trick.
- A trick?

Then how do you explain this?

Behold!

Hi. Gary West.

- She can grant eternal life!
- Eternal!

Oh, Lord! Help me.

Is it true?
Have You chosen Sheila to do Your work?

Unlikely, but seems to be true.

Help me understand, Lord.

If this is Your doing, show me a sign.

Praise be.

You are His instrument.

This makes me a little uncomfortable.

You did say you wanted
to get more into religion.

I know, but I didn't wanna start one.

How may I serve you?

Well, this just got fucking weird.

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