All language subtitles for Roseanne 10x01 - Twenty Years to Life (English)

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --

Dan?

Dan!

Dan!

What?

What happened?

I thought you were dead.

I was sleeping.

Why does everybody
always think I'm dead?

You looked happy. I
thought maybe you moved on.

Oh, they're up.

I know it's only been a week,

but I just can't get used
to Darlene and her kids

living in the house.

I got no privacy.

I can't even make my
Maxwell House naked,

like God intended.

Well, just 'cause they're up

doesn't mean we have to give up,

you know, pleasuring me.

I don't know if we got time
for the full symphony of love,

but I'm sure we can knock off
a few of the greatest hits.

Brace yourself, Mother!

"Roseanne" is taped in front
of a live studio audience.

Candyman's home, babe.

Ooh, my favorite... Drugs!

Ah!

What happened to the rest of our candy?

Ha-ha. Funny story.

Our insurance don't
cover what it used to,

so I got half the drugs
for twice the price.

What are we supposed to do?

Well, tradesies.

I'll trade you five of my statins...

for five of your anti-inflammatories,

and I'll sweeten the pot

by throwing in a couple
of blood pressures.

Did you get the pain
pills for my bad knee?

Wouldn't be the Candyman

without the sunshine, babe.

Whoo! My babies.

Did you get the anti-depressants?

They're all yours.

If you're not happy, I have
no chance of being happy.

Morning, lovebirds.

Uh, are you eating Peeps for breakfast?

What's it to ya?

Uh, I didn't quit my job and come home

to watch you kill yourself
slowly, eating old Easter candy.

Hey, I worked hard all my life,

and if I want to eat
a marshmallow chicken

for my breakfast, I think
it's my damn business.

Well, like it or not, I'm
here to take care of you,

and I can be as stubborn as you are.

Did you remember to measure
your blood sugar this morning?

Yup. Sweet as can be.

Yeah, I guess that's why you
passed out at Walmart last month.

No. That was because
their prices are so low.

Dad, will you tell her
how stupid she's being?

That's never worked out for me.

And, you know, Mom, I
know you and Aunt Jackie

are mad at each other,

but this feud is getting
way out of control.

You weren't here,
Darlene. You didn't see it.

I mean, not only did she vote
for the worst person on Earth,

but she was a real jerk about it, too.

And now she's just ridiculous.

Uh, she's ridiculous?

You made a shrine to
her as if she's dead.

Well, she's dead to me.

And you better give me some credit

'cause I said very nice things about her

in her obituary.

Morning, Granny Rose.

Morning, Mark.

Morning, Grandpa.

Morning, son.

Oh, come here. I got to fix your hair.

You got a little piece sticking up.

Darlene says just ignore it.

He's "exploring."

May the winds fill
his sails and carry him

to the boy's section of Target.

What you gonna have for breakfast, Mark?

My mom always makes me

blueberry waffles with real maple syrup.

Cereal, you say?

Don't get your hopes up.

There's no waffles.

How come you're always smiling?

It's weird.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can I have some money?

I don't know. Mom,
can I have some money?

I don't know. Can I have some money?

You could've just said we were poor.

I didn't need the routine.

I'll be back for dinner.

Whoa, you didn't tell
me you were going out.

I need you to watch Mark.
I've got a job interview today.

Come on. I made plans with
my one potential friend.

I'm sorry, Harris, but I-I...

Tag me in.

You're babysittin'.

Game over.

This is so unfair.

You're ruining my life! You all suck!

I ain't seen that movie in 20 years.

Oh, the classics really do hold up.

Come on, Darlene,

I'll give you a ride
to your job interview.

All's you got to do is
open up your Uber app

and request me.

And it's surgin' 'cause I
know you really need a ride.

Uh, yeah, I'm good.

You're not gonna like this,

but, uh, Aunt Jackie's picking me up.

What?!

How dare you invite her
here without asking me first.

This is my house!

Well, and she's my aunt.

You know, I mean,

she was an important
part of my childhood.

I want that for my
kids. She was always fun.

Everything's fun when you're a kid.

You ever go to the circus as an adult?

It's nothing but animals
getting beat and drunk clowns.

Look, she promised that she would get
along, and knowing the both of you,

I'm guessing you're the
one keeping this feud alive.

What's up, deplorable?

Okay, you guys have got
to talk this out civilly.

Mom, Aunt Jackie's standing right here,

- pussyhat in hand.
- Oh!

I don't have time for this.

Knee still giving you trouble, Roseanne?

Why don't you get that fixed
with the new health care

all you suckers got promised?

It works good enough to
kick your ass, snowflake.

There you go. All you people
go straight to the violence.

Every one of you wrapping
yourselves up in the flag

and clinging to your guns.

Oh, that's such a stereotype.

Where you going?

I just realized... We
got kids in the house

and I can't remember
where we hid our gun.

Well, you must have put it someplace

you thought it would be safe.

Yeah, I was gonna put
it in the cleaning closet

'cause I know nobody ever goes in there.

No, I put it in the cleaning closet

'cause every time I
had to clean the house,

I'd like knowing I had an option.

Well, looky here.

"Written by Roseanne Conner."

Oh, trash that.

This would have sold like hot cakes

if only you hadn't killed off

the most interesting character.

He was a gentle giant.

You know what really
would've helped, though?

More bondage and a wizard school.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How was your job interview?

Oh, , well, the pay was
crap with no benefits,

there were 50 people in line
ahead of me when I got there,

but someone did call me
"ma'am," so that was great.

Hey!

Uh, some of your mail

got forwarded here
from your old address.

It's on the kitchen counter.

Oh, well, that is startling news.

Where's Jackie?

She's going to be back in a little bit.

I'm sorry, I'm just not giving up.

I invited her to dinner.

I thought you cared about our health.

Now I got to go take

one of your dad's blood pressure pills.

You're killing your father.

Still a good picture.

Uh, here's some dressing for the table.

Oh, look, Dan...

Russian.

- Spread these around.
- I can't, my nails are wet.

Your nails are wet.

You hear that, honey?

My grandson's nails are wet.

I like your nail polish, Grandpa.

That's drywall, son.

- Hey, Aunt Jackie!
- Hey, oh-oh, Harris!

I love the outfit.

Six bucks.

I got it at the hospital thrift store.

They're dead people's clothes.

Well, those people must've
died from compliments.

- Granny Rose!
- Oh!

It's my little princess!

Or senator or doctor
or captain of industry

because girls can be
whatever they want to be.

I want to train cats to bark.

Good. I think it's cool.

Aunt Jackie thinks every girl

should grow up and be president,

even if they're a "liar,
liar, pantsuit on fire."

I think we know who's a liar
and who's on fire, Roseanne.

- Hey, Aunt Jackie.
- D.J.!

Welcome back.

Thank you for your service.

Thanks, but I've been out
of the Army for three months.

Oh, I've been off the force for years,

but I can still taste the adrenaline.

Um, how's the missus?

She win the war over there yet?

- Not yet.
- Okay, well, thank her for her service.

I brought salad.

Thank you for your salad.

Hey, everybody,

this is the first dinner together

we've had as a family in a long time.

Let's try to survive it.

Oh, yeah.

First, let's say grace.

Jackie, would you like to take a knee?

Dear Lord, thank you for this food

and for bringing our son,
D.J., home safe from Syria.

Please protect his wife, Geena,

and all our troops still overseas.

Please watch over our son, Jerry,

who's on that stupid fishing boat

where apparently they
don't get phone calls.

But most of all, Lord...

thank you for making
America great again!

Mom.

No, it's okay, Darlene.

I'm going to use my
life-coaching degree...

to model the behavior

that I teach all my many, many clients.

In situations like
this, we don't name-call.

We respond with a positive affirmation

about the other person.

You're looking very fit.

Uh, apparently, all that weight you lost

was the good Roseanne.

How could you have
voted for him, Roseanne?!

He talked about jobs, Jackie!

He said he'd shake things up!

I mean, this might come
as a complete shock to you,

but we almost lost our house,
the way things are going.

Have you looked at the news?
'Cause now things are worse.

Not on the real news!

Oh, puh-leeze!

Hey, everybody.

I have an announcement.

I'm having a baby.

A baby what?

There's this really nice woman
who wants me to have her baby.

I'm gonna be her surrogate.

You're pregnant?

No, I have to fill out some forms

and answer a bunch of questions first.

Daddy, is that how you have a baby?

Yes.

And she's paying me... $50,000.

Wow! Just for having a baby?

Dan, you owe me $200,000.

Right after my checkup,

I start getting the shots
to produce extra eggs.

Hold up.

Extra eggs?

They're using your eggs?

Yeah, it's my eggs and
her husband's sperm.

Sorry, I know you're eating.

But that's like selling
off one of our grandkids.

Mom, if I do this, I can
pay off my credit cards,

I could buy a new car,

maybe put something down on a house.

I can't do that working
at the restaurant.

Is anyone gonna mention
the fact that she's like 50?

I'm 43...

and I told her I was 33,

which, according to the
lady at the MAC counter,

is my skin age.

Oh, well, you should've
used your IQ, Becky.

You could've said you were 23.

Becky, I know you've had a hard time

since your husband died.

I think this would be
a wonderful opportunity

for you to get back on your feet,

and if you need anybody to talk to,

anybody to drive you to appointments,

I'm here for you.

Anybody want to know what I think?

Dan, it's her body, her decision.

Right, Roseanne?

Jackie's right, Dan.

It's... It's Becky's call.

Thanks, Mom.

I'll be out the garage.

I better go talk to him.

I'll wait 'til he has
a couple of beers first.

That oughta do it.

Can you believe the way she put
us both on the spot like that?

I'm not letting Becky do this, Roseanne.

In this family, if you get pregnant,

you're gonna have the baby.

We're gonna love the baby,

we're gonna raise the baby to
believe that anything is possible,

until the time the baby realizes

it got screwed by being
born into this family,

then we're gonna send that
baby out into the world

until such time said baby
returns home to us to live...

with its own baby!

Well, I don't want her selling
off our grandkids, either, Dan,

but, you know,

if there's one thing
we learned about Becky

is we can't tell her what to do

'cause then she'll just
go do the exact opposite.

I mean, remember we told
her not to get married?

She got married.

Remember we told her not to get that

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch tattoo?

She got the tattoo.

Yeah, and we told her she
had to finish high school,

so she didn't finish high school?

She didn't finish high school?

You miss a lot of stuff

when you're out drinking
in the garage, Dan.

That's the whole point.

So, aren't you gonna say
anything about the baby?

You're not having a baby.

Of course you're gonna
give me crap about this.

No, I'm merely pointing
out, at your age,

your uterus should be
designated a historic landmark.

At least I'm taking care of myself.

I'm not living at home with my parents.

I'm taking care of them,

they're not taking care of me.

I mean, , look, M-Mom
and Jackie are fighting,

Dad and Mom aren't
taking their medication.

I didn't want to come home.

I had to come home because
this family's falling apart.

You're too selfish to
care about anyone but you.

You just keep telling
yourself that, Darlene.

And, by the way, I'm
about to have a baby.

I don't need to be stressed out.

I don't live here anymore.

Don't be mean to your sister.

She's an old woman
trying to have a baby.

And, by the way, Darlene,

if you want to tell
everybody that you came home

to take care of us,
we'll back you up on that.

What are you talking about?

That is why I came home.

Your severance check got forwarded here.

You lost your job, right?

Y-You opened my mail?

Yeah, I never stopped.

That is such a huge violation.

No, it's not. That's this one.

They caught you on a red light camera.

It looks like you're reading a magazine.

Okay. You know, what
do you want me to say?

I lost my job, okay?

You know, I-I didn't
know what else to do.

I got two kids, I got no partner,

so I came home.

Well, why didn't you just say that?

Because it's embarrassing.

You know, I just...

I thought I'd be a huge success by now.

I-I thought I could buy a huge house...

that I could hold over your head.

That would've been sweet.

Anyway, please just don't
tell Becky and D.J. about this.

My scathing commentary on their life

would be severely compromised.

Oh, come here.

My little loser.

Shut up. I'm not
letting you eat that pie.

Shhhh!

Well, I finally got you alone.

Are you out of your damn mind?

Becky's about to make
a horrible mistake,

and you're talking about helping her out

and driving her to the doctor?

Dan and me don't want
her to be a surrogate!

What has happened to you?

You always believed in
"my body, my choice."

Right, and her body came out of my body,

so it's my choice.

You just can't stand for anybody

to have their own opinions
about anything, can you?

So you tell them how stupid
they are all the time,

and you get them to question

what they believe in their heart

is the right thing to do

until they make some enormous mistake

that tears America apart

and brings the world to the brink

of nuclear apocalypse!

So, I'm guessing

this isn't about Becky's eggs anymore.

You kept saying

what a disaster it would
be if she got elected

and how I wasn't seeing the big picture

and how everything was rigged,

and then I go into the booth

and I voted for Jill Stein!

Who's Jill Stein?

Some doctor!

You did such a good job
of making me doubt myself

and feel so stupid that I choked,

which helped get him elected.

Well, the important
thing is that you voted.

Being away from you this past year

proved to me that I make
good decisions on my own.

I miss the family...

but I would rather be alone

than let you bully me again.

Jackie, it is not my fault

that I just happen to
be a charismatic person

who's always right about everything.

And I never said you were stupid.

Well, I didn't mean it.

You're relatively smart.

And I guess I didn't mean to imply

that you're some right-wing jackass.

I should have tried to understand

why you voted the
crazy way that you did.

And I should have
understood that, you know,

you want the government to
give everybody free health care

'cause you're a good-hearted person

who can't do simple math.

Thank you. And...

I'm sorry.

And... you...?

I forgive you.

I know how hard that was for you.

It is so great to finally meet you!

And I can see why you picked me.

I mean, look at us.

We could be the same person.

Oh, my God.

I mean, it is like looking in the mirror

before I put my makeup on.

Now, I have all the paperwork here

for you to take home and review.

Uh, Agreement Form, Medical Release...

It's standard stuff.

I also have some questions
about your genetic history,

so I should probably meet your family.

You want to meet my family?

You know what would save time?

If I showed you pictures on my phone

and described them instead.

Mm, say no more.

I know how families can be.

Do you think I could warm them up

with a monthly delivery
of fresh, organic pears?

That'd be perfect.

They've all been meaning to try a pear.

- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --