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1
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:21,597
And today, on And Yet It Lived,
meet Simeon Pathetica...
2
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,792
...an ape that even ev olution
passed by.
3
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:42,270
Note the stooped shoulders
and the dull, blank look.
4
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:47,908
- Can I have your autograph?
- Not today, Peg, I got some big news.
5
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,470
You know how I'm always digging
in my ear with the point of a pencil?
6
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,711
- Oh, my, this is good news.
- You betcha.
7
00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,831
Well, today, purely by accident...
8
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,953
...I found out that I was using
the wrong end of the pencil.
9
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,393
I discovered that if you turn it around
and take off the eraser...
10
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:12,513
...you can get a real kind of
suction action going.
11
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,475
Get a load of this, honey.
12
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,436
But, honey, it still has
an eraser on it.
13
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,513
That's not an eraser.
14
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,954
Oh, my God.
15
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,918
- What's for supper?
- What would you like?
16
00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:40,350
I'd like a nice, juicy steak.
17
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,269
Why, that's just waiting for you
on the table.
18
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:51,270
Made you look, made you look.
Al, you'll never learn.
19
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:53,630
So, honey, I was thinking.
20
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,593
Don't you think we need
a little savings account?
21
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,997
You know, like any
moderately successful 13-year-old?
22
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,351
Hey, don't kid yourself.
I got plenty of money saved up.
23
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,790
Well, it doesn't matter,
you're not getting any.
24
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,150
I'm gonna get me a Big Boy
socket-wrench set.
25
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,078
Man, it's gonna be great.
26
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:17,319
I can go around this house and tighten
more nuts than you did in high school.
27
00:03:24,720 --> 00:03:27,996
Yes, and I have the trophies
to prove it.
28
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,039
Anyway, Al, I've got some news...
29
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,800
...and I've been waiting for the right...
- Wait, hold it.
30
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,912
I'll bet that's some of the guys
wanting to see my eraser.
31
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:42,430
Al, Peggy, we have
a little announcement.
32
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,679
Jefferson and I are pregnant.
33
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,955
Oh, Marcie, that's great.
You're kidding?
34
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,515
Yep, yep, yep.
I knew it right away too.
35
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,870
You know how when Michael Jordan's
in the air...
36
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,116
...he just knows he'll do
something special?
37
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,233
Well, I had the same feeling
when I approached the hoop.
38
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,399
There was no blocking that shot,
eh, baby?
39
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:15,954
- Oh, isn't this wonderful, Al?
- Yeah, Al, I'm gonna be a father.
40
00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:20,631
- Don't you have anything to say to me?
- Oh, sure.
41
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,752
You're a dead man. It's all over.
42
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:37,316
Today is the first day
of the end of your life.
43
00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,955
Hey, I'm looking forward
to being a father.
44
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,312
To hear my child say its first words,
take its first steps.
45
00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,512
Yeah, keep that in mind when you're
at the newsstand at 3 a. M...
46
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,190
...praying they'll be asleep before you
get home with your copy of Heinie.
47
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,951
What a grand jest.
48
00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:59,551
Yeah, soon my hellhounds will be out
of the house and I'll be free, free, free.
49
00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:00,875
Except for her.
50
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:07,071
God, I feel great. I'm almost happy.
Let me revel in it.
51
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:10,829
- I think this is a good time to tell you...
- No, not now, babe.
52
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:12,632
Once my kids leave the house...
53
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,798
...I'll finally be able to do
what every man is supposed to do.
54
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:17,752
I can watch TV.
55
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,598
I can...
56
00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,075
Well, I don't know,
but it doesn't matter.
57
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:29,313
It's still better than having
a screaming, crapping...
58
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:35,470
...money-sucking little vampire
bobsledding me to the cemetery.
59
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,148
God, I feel good.
60
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,590
- Honey?
- Yes.
61
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,199
- Guess what.
- What?
62
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,437
I'm pregnant too.
63
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:08,117
Oh, Al, hold me.
64
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,790
- How far along are you?
- Five months.
65
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,950
Well, Al, I mean, didn't you notice
I was getting fat?
66
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:22,550
Well, yeah.
67
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:27,274
- Oh, hold me.
- Well, no, wait a second, stop.
68
00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,429
That can't be right. When? Why?
69
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,392
How?
70
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,237
Wait a second.
Let me check my journal.
71
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:42,270
- Five months ago, you say?
- Oh, Al, isn't it a dream?
72
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,471
It better be.
73
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:51,074
Let's see, now. April, April...
Here we go, April. Week one:
74
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,589
"Sold shoes, watched TV."
75
00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,679
Week two, "Sold shoes,
watched TV, wept."
76
00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:02,353
Week three, "Sold shoes,
had a few beers, passed out."
77
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:16,199
"I dreamt I fell in the washing machine,
woke up feeling cheap."
78
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,239
Peg, what in God's green earth
did you do to me?
79
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,350
Well, I couldn't help myself.
80
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,997
You looked so cute trying to pull
your underwear up over your head.
81
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:33,275
- Well, I'm not made of stone, you know.
- Peggy, this is so exciting.
82
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:37,837
- We can be pregnant together.
- Yeah, Al, congratulations.
83
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,315
This is great. Gee, our kids'll
grow up together...
84
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:43,034
...and they'll be old enough
to leave the nest together.
85
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:48,519
Gee, I'll be in my 50s when
that happens, and you'll be, what, 102?
86
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:54,828
Oh, Marcie, this is so wonderful.
87
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,952
The pitter-patter of little feet
after 18 years.
88
00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:01,391
This is truly a joyous day for us all.
89
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:20,231
What did you do?
90
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,678
Can't you control your animal urges?
91
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,515
Of all the bonehead blunders
a middle-aged man...
92
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,234
...with no income can make.
93
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:33,231
God, you leave him alone
for one second...
94
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:37,319
Did you not know the evil implications
of your deed?
95
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:42,834
Bad Daddy. Bad, bad. Bad.
96
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:47,069
So, Mr. Sow-My-Wild-Oats-At-50...
97
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:50,951
...what are we gonna do now?
98
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,752
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
99
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,798
We'll be living off
the scraps of scraps.
100
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,878
Slipping in puddles of baby juice.
101
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,629
Our home and our clothes
smelling of the befouled buttocks...
102
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:06,355
...of a child born
out of middle-aged lust.
103
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,874
Oh, shame.
104
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:15,718
As if what you did wasn't bad enough,
but with our mother, for God's sake.
105
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:23,471
Well, this is one fine " How you doing?
Fine, thank you."
106
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:30,399
- Hi, kids. Did Daddy tell you the news?
- Mommy, Mommy, we're so happy.
107
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,909
Happy, happy.
108
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:35,914
Now, kids, I don't want you
to be jealous of the baby...
109
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,997
...because I'll always
have time for you.
110
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,715
After all, you were my first.
111
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:44,271
I was your first.
112
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:49,356
Really? Oh, well.
What's important now is the baby.
113
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,709
- Did you congratulate your father?
- Oh, sure.
114
00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,388
- Way to go, Dad. You sure know.
- Yeah. Oh, you...
115
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,115
- You old dog. You old...
- That's great. It's just fabulous.
116
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,117
Well, I don't know about anybody else,
but I've got a hankering...
117
00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,914
...for a nice cream-cheese-
and-coffee-grind sandwich.
118
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,836
- We love you, Mommy.
- We love you, Mommy.
119
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,996
- You stink.
- You stink.
120
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,360
Do you think it's safe for Mom
to have a baby at her age?
121
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,710
I mean, what is she, a million?
122
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,515
All right. Now, listen up, everyone.
Just because I'm pregnant...
123
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,712
...I don't want you to think
I'm gonna be demanding or anything.
124
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,559
Your lives won't change a bit.
125
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:42,955
"And here's a picture of Mr. Rooster.
'Cock-a-doodle-doo."'
126
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:48,270
Honey, not to me, to the baby.
127
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:55,677
"And the duck went 'quack, quack.'
And the dog went 'bow-wow.'
128
00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,348
- And the family went to..."
- Excuse me, honey.
129
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:03,598
What, are you guys on vacation?
Rub, rub.
130
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:09,112
Thanks for everything,
Johnny Appleseed.
131
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,637
Bundy, Bundy.
132
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:30,197
Bundy, you're gonna be a superstar!
Just don't blow it, kid.
133
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,109
Come on, coach.
What could possibly stop me?
134
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:36,197
Hi, honey.
135
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:42,110
- Oh, Al, are you as happy as I am?
- Well, how could I be?
136
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,079
Well, you should be happy.
It's your baby too.
137
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:49,239
Oh, happy, I thought you said
am I as heavy as you are.
138
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:54,313
Now, stop teasing me.
You can barely tell that I'm pregnant.
139
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,114
Get over there.
140
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:05,717
Bologna and Miracle Whip.
Want some?
141
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:11,709
Gee, Al, I don't know about you,
but I'm horny as hell.
142
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:16,153
Well, so am I, but you don't see me
bothering you with it, do you?
143
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,188
Oh, come on, Al.
144
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:23,598
If you don't, the baby won't see you fail
till you take it to work.
145
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:32,192
That was a good one, wasn't it? Yes.
We got Daddy good, huh?
146
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,392
So, what do you say, Al?
Are you ready?
147
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,353
Oh, sure, I'm all afire.
148
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,632
I don't know what turns me on more...
149
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,195
...that sexy failure talk
or the bologna shrapnel...
150
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,312
...hitting me in the eye
at 90 miles an hour.
151
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:55,274
Oh, all right, you big sissy.
We don't have to do it.
152
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,153
- Good night.
- Good night.
153
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,392
Jeez.
154
00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:05,995
- AI?
- What?
155
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,952
Let's talk about the baby.
156
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,073
Why, did he do something cute?
157
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,949
You have a terrible attitude.
I am not talking to you anymore.
158
00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,277
You stink. Good night.
159
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,032
Al?
160
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,840
What should we name the baby?
161
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,036
The Reaper?
162
00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:39,188
Well, what if it's a boy?
163
00:13:41,520 --> 00:13:43,795
Well, we could name it
after my father.
164
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,912
I don't wanna name it Town Drunk.
165
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,275
Well, then don't ask me.
166
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,430
- AI, can we afford this baby?
- No.
167
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,952
I didn't think so.
Gee, I'm glad I'm not in your shoes.
168
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,237
Good night.
169
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,757
- AI, Al, Al.
- AI?
170
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,234
- AI.
- AI?
171
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:23,351
- AI. Al.
- AI? Al?
172
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,437
What?
173
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:27,871
Honey, you know,
I was just thinking.
174
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,356
If you wanted to get an extra job,
you know, after the baby was born...
175
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,120
...maybe you could get one
delivering newspapers.
176
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:36,197
You know how they throw them
on the porch?
177
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:39,312
You'd be really good at that
because you used to play football.
178
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,431
You remember?
179
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,554
Oh, hi, honey.
You wanna come and join us?
180
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,832
We were talking about breast swell.
181
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,953
Well, congratulations, Marcie,
you finally get to go bra shopping.
182
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,390
Oh, Al, I don't have to tell you...
183
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:12,752
...how much easier it is
to lug around small things.
184
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,314
Now, Al, if you have nothing
to add to the conversation...
185
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:19,953
...just please go sit down.
186
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:25,953
Not here. Can't you see
we're pregnant?
187
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:30,039
Now, go sit over on the stairs
in case I need something.
188
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:36,759
This is my home and I will not
be relegated to sitting on stairs.
189
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,716
I go anywhere I want!
Anybody got a problem with that?
190
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:47,794
You two are on thin ice!
191
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:51,833
Who are you gonna
tell the baby he is?
192
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:54,879
Well, for the first 10 years...
193
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:58,356
...Bud and Kelly thought
he was the dim-witted handyman.
194
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,796
So why change what works?
195
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:06,318
Well, at least I have no complaints.
My Jefferson can't do enough for me.
196
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:09,557
Would you believe, right now,
he is out getting me a pie.
197
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:13,150
Sometimes he is so good to me
it just brings tears to my eyes.
198
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,239
Well, here it is.
199
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:20,319
I drove 50 miles holding it up so
the cherries didn't settle on the bottom.
200
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:23,515
This is not a large.
201
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:29,479
Is this all you think of me?
Is this all you think of your child?
202
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:32,194
Well, you just march yourself
right back to Wisconsin...
203
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,678
...and get me a real pie, mister,
or you don't love our baby!
204
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:45,878
Okay, honey, I'll be right back
with another pie, you stinking, slimy...
205
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:53,396
He spoils me so.
206
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,234
Well, my Al spoils me too.
207
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,193
Al, get me some water.
208
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,829
Look, it's Harry Hormone.
209
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,036
Use a condom, go to jail, eh, Dad?
210
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,638
- Hey, Mom, we made the list.
- Oh, good idea.
211
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:26,230
I'll have Jefferson make one for me.
What kind of list is it?
212
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:30,399
Well, see, I'm gonna be the best mother
in the world to my new baby...
213
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,751
...so I asked the kids to make a list
of everything they never had...
214
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:37,669
...so I'll know everything to do
for my little "precious-wecious."
215
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:40,348
Although, I can't imagine
what they'd put on this list.
216
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,836
I mean, they had everything
they could possibly want as babies.
217
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,589
But let's just see what they thought
they didn't have.
218
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,037
"Milk.
219
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,593
Immunity vaccinations.
220
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:58,952
Love." Oh, you scamps.
221
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:04,589
- "Rednig blicks"?
- That's "reading blocks." I wrote that.
222
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,433
Well, I think that's a good idea.
223
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,832
Bud, why don't you be in charge
of helping the baby with those.
224
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:15,275
Thanks, kids.
225
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,073
Mom, you...
You're just kidding...
226
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,510
...that this kid's gonna get
the stuff we didn't.
227
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,915
I mean, you're gonna love us
all the same, right?
228
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,074
Oh, well, of course I will.
229
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:30,798
We were a family before the baby,
and we'll be a family after the baby.
230
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:33,237
Now, you're sucking up
all the baby's air.
231
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,431
Go sit with your father.
232
00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:41,358
I was just born to be a mother.
233
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,630
Look how far down
the chain of love we are.
234
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,474
She's got us sitting with him.
235
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:59,912
Oh, what an odious mess we weave
when first we practice to conceive.
236
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,189
Now, kids, I know you think
this is bad for you.
237
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:07,073
But in a little while, you'll be up
and out of the house...
238
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,157
...and on your own
in just two, three...
239
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,631
...30 years.
240
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,758
So as you can see, the only one
whose life has truly ended is...
241
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,798
...Daddy.
242
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,396
That's true, yeah.
243
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,040
Oh, my God, what have I done?
244
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,480
You still don't know, do you?
245
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,756
Kids, no matter what
the future might bring...
246
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,757
...it's nice to know
that we're a family.
247
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,272
We'll go through things together.
Who'll give me a "Whoa, Bundy"?
248
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,518
What do you want from me?
I wasn't even awake.
20394
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