Original subtitles

Geez, I don't even know where to begin.

I just can't figure out men.

Remember how in first grade, little boys would chase

little girls around the playground?

But whenever they'd catch one, they'd get all confused and

embarrassed and wouldn't know what to do with them?

That's... basically my love life.

Um... well, my dating track record has always been a little, uh...

less than satisfactory, I guess.

Asking girls out has always scared the hell out of me

because I'd always... you know, say the wrong things

and get embarrassed and stuff.

I guess I've always had sort of a self-esteem problem?

I don't think I'm very attractive anyway, compared to most of my friends.

I'm usually introduced as someone with...

you know, a great personality or something.

They said she had a great personality,

so I was pretty excited about meeting her.

It was my first blind date

and I was pretty nervous that he...

you know, wouldn't like me or I'd screw up somehow.

I just wanted to make a good first impression.

I'd never gone on a blind date before,

and I really didn't think it was a good idea.

But I figured I'd give the whole relationship thing one more shot.

I really had nothing left to lose, you know?

Noisy restaurant

Um...

A friend of mine recommended this restaurant.

He said it was really romantic.

Yeah, it... it's nice.

Baby crying

What does your friend do?

He's an economic analyst.

Oh.

I once knew someone who had a dog.

I don't think she ever ate at this restaurant though.

Have you ever eaten here before?

Nope! No, first time.

Yeah. Heh. Me too.

I heard the lobster's pretty good.

Mmm, great!

Yeah.

Did... did you see that show last night?

What show?

You know, with that guy, that funny guy.

Ummmm

What's that show called, you know, it's on channel four...

You know, that guy...

that guy with the things?

You know, those things on his head?

Nnn..

That show.

No, w-why, what... what happened on it last night?

Oh... it was really funny.

Oh!...

My cable got shut off last night

so I...I didn't really... I didn't see much... um...

Well... but I have a neighbor that does, uh...

it's kinda...

He does sock puppet theater.

It's cool cuz he used to play soccer

so he's got lots of these really different colored kinda socks.

Have you ever done this before?

Hm? Done... done what?

This whole blind date thing.

No, uh, this is actually my first one.

Yeah, me too.

Loud slurping

loud slurping

Hmmm

Hmmm!

Awkward laugh

Hmmm!

Hmmm! awkward laugh

So, uh, where do you work? I heard you were in computers.

Yeah! Yeah, I work for Raytech Systems.

Mmm.

Right now I'm developing new packet drivers for a binary protocol system

my friend is programming.

Huh.

You see, we've been experiencing a lot of difficulty resolving the lPs

It turns out that our ISDN wires were crossed.

So, our network tech thought

that a T1 or T2 would've been too quick for our C7 chip processor

so we're going back to basics.

Right.

Wow, heh heh, how about that.

Y-yeah.

I read somewhere that most middle-aged Americans

have ten pounds of undigested red meat in their colons.

Hmm! Mhm... Hmmm.

You know, that's really interesting

cuz my father has a lot of blood in his stool.

Hmmm! Heh heh...

Are your parents from around here?

No...

Um, my parents were incinerated when I was three.

Oh.

Yeah...

awkward laugh

Seen any good movies lately?

Yeah! Yeah I caught the new one downtown

uh, that new, uh...

Holocaust film.

Oh.

Yeaaahh...

Yeah it was...

pretty neat.

I'm not much of a conversationalist,

but I think things were going pretty well, otherwise.

God, I hate small talk.

Clears throat

Hm.

Loud slurping

awkward laughs

Hmm, heh.

So... heh...

Yeah... heh...

Yeah.... soooo...

clears throat

Do you have any gum?

After dinner, we left the restaurant

and couldn't really think of anything good to do.

Crickets

So what do you feel like doing now?

Uhhh... geez.

I don't know, um...

W-what do you wanna do?

Um... well, we... we could umm...

Hmm.

I don't know, I...

Yeah...

You know...

I'm really up for just about anything.

Uh... yeah! Yeah, me too, uh...

Do you drink coffee?

Ummm.

No. Not really.

Oh...

Because I thought maybe we could go back to my apartment

for some coffee or something.

I would love some coffee.

She had a pretty nice apartment.

After we got there we sat and talked and...

drank coffee. Heh.

I really don't like coffee

and actually I'm extremely allergic to the caffeine.

But, you know...

I didn't want to ruin the evening or anything.

Nnh.

How's your coffee?

Heh... strong.

Is it?

Yeah I-it's good though...

I mean, you... you make a pretty mean cup of coffee, heh.

Awkward laugh

Thanks. Yeah I guess I... I kind of like it strong.

Yeah.

Heh.

Um.

You been drinking coffee long...? Uh..

Awkward laugh

You know, I was, um...

watching TV last night?

Uh huh.

And... have you seen that show...

You know, that show with... with the lady?

And she has like this crazy red curly hair?

And she always runs around, like,

and opens doors and slams them into people's faces

do you know what I'm talking about?

Like, the "I Love Lucy" show?

No,no,no,no,no, it's like a newer show.

Oh!

Actually I really liked Lucy.

Really.

Yes.

My mom used to kind of look like Lucy.

She did?

Well, not like Lucy when she was like, crushing-the-grapes Lucy?

Yeah?

But, like...

you know the one with the candy and she was putting it in her blouse?

Yeah,yeah,yeah!

Yeah my mom ate a lot.

You have very beautiful eyes.

Thanks.

Wanna watch TV?

Sure.

Loud, ridiculous sex noises

Blah blah-blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Explosions

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

There wasn't really anything good on TV.

I turned off the TV and that's when I noticed that he looked really sick.

I had a really bad allergic reaction to all the caffeine I drank, and um...

my face kinda got swollen and bloated.

I was feeling kind of nauseous and was having trouble breathing.

Are you okay?

Yeah! Yeah I'm fine, uh...

how are you doin'?

It... it's just that your face is all... puffy.

Really?

Yeah!

Huh. I... I feel okay.

You sure?

Yeah I'm... I'm doin' great.

Would you like some more coffee?

I would love some more coffee.

And I... I don't remember too much after that.

He passed out on my couch.

We exchanged phone numbers in the hospital

and, well...

that was that.

I wanted to call her and ask her out again, but I...

Darn it, I...I just don't think I made a very good first impression.

He was really cute and I'd like to see him again, but--

I don't think he liked me very much.

I mean, if she was interested she would've called me by now, right?

Whatever, I mean, it's not like we were meant for each other

on some... some cosmic level or anything.

Women just don't understand me.

Come to think of it, this is a problem that a lot of women seem to have.

He probably would've eventually dumped me

and I'd just realize what another pathetic,

emotional delusion this whole dating thing was in the first place.

What a jerk!

You know, relationships are a lot like

those little packets of condiments you get at fast food restaurants.

They're these little magical things that can last forever on a shelf

but once you open them up they go bad really fast.

Sigh

I just don't understand condiments.

Piano music