All language subtitles for LA to Vegas 1x07 -

? Whoa, Black Betty, Bam-ba-Lam ?

? Whoa, Black Betty, Bam-ba-Lam ?

? Black Betty had a child, Bam-ba-Lam ?

? The damn thing gone wild, Bam-ba-Lam ?

? She said, "I'm worryin' ?
? outta mind," Bam-ba-Lam ?

? The damn thing gone ?
? blind, Bam-ba-Lam ?

? I said "Oh, Black Betty," Bam-ba-Lam ?

? Whoa, Black Betty. ?

All right, Alan.

You're not Alan.

I am on the wrong plane.

Tokyo, huh? Cool.

Have a great flight.

Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Papers, huh?

I love papers: wall, toilet,

failing New York Times.

These are divorce papers,
so they're slightly less fun.

Tough break, my friend.

I'm in a state of shock about it, Artem.

I just got served in the airport.

And the guy was very tricky about it.

Colin McCormack, please pick up

the nearest white courtesy telephone.

Uh, excuse me. Are you Colin McCormack?

- Yes.
- You've been served.

Oh, there's no call. That was me.

Love when they go for the phone.

So sad. I will hug you now.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, oy! I'm good. Uh...

Could you do me a favor and
not tell everybody about this?

You know, I'd rather the whole
plane didn't know my business.

Of course, don't worry.
I'm very good at keeping secret.

I will hug you again.

Oh. Okay. Thank you, Artem. Thank you.

So did you hear we're gonna be
grounded in Vegas for the night?

What? No. I had plans in L.A. tonight.

I was gonna go to my friend Jeff's luau.

- You hate luaus. -I hate Jeff,
too, but that's not the point.

This was gonna be my first
night out in forever.

God, this job makes it impossible

to have a social life.

Right now, my only social interactions
are yelling at drunk passengers.

- This iPad is broken.
- That's a magazine.

It seems like you're doing all right.

What about all those fun party
pictures on your Instagram?

- I faked them.
- But I saw your legs on a beach.

Those were two hotdogs
and my Canc�n screen saver.

I take my like back.

Hey, Captain Dave here.

If you're looking for a little
female companionship,

then head over to Madame's,
the oldest strip club in Vegas

that's now Vegas's
newest retirement community.

And those women could really use
someone to chat with.

Tell them Craig sent you.

'Cause that's what
they think my name is.

Hey. I just wanted to come over
and see how you were doing.

I'm good. How are you?

Oh, I'm just asking because Artem
told me about the divorce papers.

Oh, come on. He swore
he wouldn't tell anybody.

Yeah, well, it's Artem,
so that's really on you.

Anyway, you know, if there's
anything I can do...

Ronnie, honestly, I'm okay.

I just don't want anybody else to know.

Hey. How are you, Colin?

Ah, good. So you know, too.

Look, I know this is a
really difficult time for you,

but the good news is you now qualify

for the Grapefruits Divorce Special.

You get two free lap dances
and then they flatten your wedding ring

into a souvenir coin.

Ah, two free lap dances. Artem!

Is there anybody else you told
about my impending divorce?

Me? No. I swear.

Hey, Colin
McCormack, this is your captain.

Please report to the front galley
to discuss your impending divorce.

Okay.

I don't know why you're mad.
Everyone on this plane is Team Colin,

even the cheerleaders
going to Vegas for competition.

Isn't that right, girls?

You should get a lawyer who will...

Be aggressive! Be, be aggressive!

- Thanks, mate.
- Yeah.

- Ugh.
- What's up?

I specifically took tonight off

to hang out with my friend
Krystal, and she bailed on me.

God, it's so hard having a social life
in the stripper world.

I have the same problem because
of the weird hours, right?

Yeah, and all the fun girls
get exported by Saudi princes.

So you're not doing anything tonight?

- Not anymore.
- Me neither.

Would it be crazy if we hung out?

Mm, I don't know.
We've never hung out before.

Although, I did have a dream
once where I braided your hair.

I have the perfect face shape
for a braid.

- That's what I said in the dream.
- Oh, my God!

- Let's do it.
- Yay!

And now you can finally post
some fun, real pics on Instagram.

- Aw, you follow me.
- No, I follow Bernard.

Oh.

So, I heard you got slapped
with the big "D."

- Excuse me?
- Divorce. It's rough.

I've been there.
I've actually had three big D's

slap me right across the face.

You have to know
you're saying that wrong.

The first month is the hardest.
You reevaluate everything.

Month two, you start exploring.

Go to Peru, do some ayahuasca,
buy a fun bowling shirt.

And the next woman that gives you
attention, you marry immediately.

But boredom brings that second divorce.

You start drinking, get some tattoos,

and on a bender,
you marry your tattoo artist.

But by the time the third divorce comes,

you sign the papers at the dog track

and realize Scientology's
got some decent ideas.

Huh.

Well, if I'm honest,
I am a little peeved

at the way that my ex
has been handling things.

Yup. Let it out. Build that fire.

I mean, we promised we'd be
civil to each other, you know?

I mean, my parents,
they did their divorce right.

My father grew a beard,
mother went on a food journey

with her "special friend" Charlotte.

No one gets out unscarred.

My first ex-wife took the dog.
My second wife took the cat.

And my third wife took the dog
from my first ex-wife.

Her lawyer was amazing.

You know what you really need?

A night out with your boys
to blow off some steam.

Well, I don't have many "boys" anymore.

I mean, honestly, it's tough
maintaining friendships

when you spend every weekend
flying from L.A. to Vegas.

I mean, really, I only do three things:

sleep, teach, and fly out to see my son.

Well, I only do three things:

sleep, fly, and right wrongs
when I see them.

And if you don't have boys,

it's on me to take you out
for a guys night.

- That is really not necessary.
- Too late.

This bro-tisserie chicken is
already on the rack and rolling.

Bernie, saddle up. We're taking
Colin out for a guys night.

What's it gonna take you to go?

Free drinks and you have to buy
ten tickets to my one-man show,

Mother Eartha: The Eartha Kitt Story.

LA Weekly said it was "lit well."

Done, you're in.

Hey, I want in on this night with men,

and I don't even care what we're doing.

I just have crazy FOMO.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Your mom.

Oh, what a slut, right?

No, we're talking
about guys night. Right?

Guys night? I want to come. Please.

- Fine, Alan. But no blow.
- What?

Hold on, who's flying the plane?

It's on autopilot.

I save these hands
for takeoffs and landings.

I mean, does a surgeon
do the middle of an operation?

- Yes.
- You don't know. Come on, Alan.

Let's look out the window
and play "Spot The Pools."

Hey, thank you
for lending me this dress.

It's surprisingly heavy, though.

Yeah, it's weighted
so I'm harder to kidnap.

Your life is so cool. Like,
that's what I should be doing.

I'm still young, I should be
afraid of getting kidnapped.

You really should. You're pretty enough.

If you worked in the club,
you'd be that cocktail waitress that all

the guys are like, "Why
isn't she stripping?"

Aw. Thank you.

I bet on the plane,
all the drunk passengers

"accidentally" brush your butt
all the time.

Yeah, and they "accidentally" get
hot coffee spilled on their junk.

That is the only action I've
had in the last six months.

So I'd love to meet someone
where the groping is mutual.

Well, you know what?

- We're gonna make that happen
right now. -What are you doing?

This guy I'm sort of dating has a friend

who'd be perfect for you,
so I'm gonna see if he's around.

Wow, okay. Oh, wait.

If he's just home with no plans,
does that mean he's lame?

Well, I didn't have plans,
so we're both lame.

- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- He said he's available.

- I'm in!
- Tequila soda!

It is officially cool o'clock.

- All right.
- All the homies are here.

We're gonna pregame at the most
exclusive joint in town.

- Cool.
- Nice.

So, this is the most
exclusive joint in town?

We're the only ones here, aren't we?

It's got everything we need:
free drinks, free food,

and sweet, sweet tunes.

I just downloaded
this killer karaoke app.

I got the Spin Doctors'
"Two Princes" all cued up.

Bernie, you want to sing first?

Do I look like I'm playing hacky sack

on the quad at Dartmouth?

Good call. Rest the pipes.
In the meantime,

the oxygen bar is open!

Oh. So we're all
gonna share that, are we?

Yeah, man. Puff, puff, pass.

- Oh.
- Ah, they're cute!

I think. I don't know;
it's so dark in here.

Is it? Yeah, I spend
so much time in strip clubs,

I can practically see in the dark.

It's called stripper vision.
It's a real thing.

- Hi!
- Babe.

Ronnie, this is Justin and Thad.

They're magicians.

They have the hottest show in Vegas.

I don't know about hottest,
but we're certainly...

on fire.

Oh! What? What?

Oh. Wow, that's crazy.

That wasn't me.

That was me.

- Put it out!
- They were both me.

Whoa. They did not teach that
in the magic kit that I had growing up.

I only knew the cup-and-balls one.

- That's not magic, that's
just good technique. -Hey.

Thad is the guy I was telling you about.

Hi.

Oh, Thad doesn't speak.
That's kind of our thing.

Isn't that Penn & Teller's thing?

Thad, don't yell. I got this.

We're nothing like Penn & Teller.

Their tall guy talks;
ours doesn't. Okay?

Okay. But you can talk tonight,
though, right?

I mean, it's not like you're performing.

Well, that's the about us...
we're always performing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, God. Now you're just
torturing that poor woman.

Let's go eat.

You sure about these guys?

Oh, yeah. No, they're a little weird,
but they're completely harmless.

I can spot a creep from a mile away.

Stay away from that guy.

Movie. Movie.

- Mm-mmm.
- Artem, that means "movie" in charades.

Oh, we're playing charades?

Oh, I didn't know. Wait. Okay.

I love charades. So I...

Three words. I give you hint.

It's a song.

First word: "Stairway..."

"To Heaven." I win. And as winner,

I say it's time to get off this plane.

Dave, what's next?

Oh, I got a great night planned.

We're gonna get steaks at Ponderosa,

then take a helicopter ride
over the Strip.

But don't worry... if it's
too windy, I got a plan B.

A buddy of mine can get us
into this corporate event.

Apparently, Beyonc� and Jay-Z
are gonna play a set.

- What?!
- Bitch, that's plan A!

No, I thought tonight was gonna
be about bonding over Colin's D,

but if you guys want to go
to the party, let's bounce.

- Oh, yeah.
- "Crazy in Love."

Hey, what happened to Jetway?

Yeah, are we stuck here?

Dave, didn't you tell the Jetway
guys we were gonna be up here?

I was planning a guys night.

This is Alan's fault.

I didn't even know
we were coming back here.

That's your problem, Alan...
you don't anticipate.

Good news: I spoke to the Jetway driver.

Bad news: he's at his anniversary
dinner with his... wait for it...

husband.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Okay, so what does this mean for us?

It means we can finally live in
a society where love can win...

No, what does it mean for the plane?

Oh. We're stuck for a couple hours.

- - Oh, I have to cancel
my sunrise hike club.

Guys, I'm bummed, too,
but tonight is about Colin.

Right? We have
a unique opportunity here.

We have the whole plane to ourselves.

Isn't there anything you ever
dreamed of doing on an airplane?

Sit in the captain's seat.

Be serious, Alan.

Now, we could spend the next
few hours being miserable...

or actually having some fun.

Which is it gonna be?

- Guys night!
- Yeah!

Blech!

? One, two ?

? Princes kneel before you ?

? And go ahead now ?

? If you ?

? Want to call me baby ?

- Okay. Okay, go. Wait.
- ? Just go ahead now ?

? And if you ?

- All right. Okay, close it.
- ? Want to call me baby ?

- Oh!
- ? Just go ahead now ?

? And if you ?

? Want to buy me flowers ?

? Just go ahead now ?

Is there, is there, is there
a catch? How does it...

? Just go a... ? Guitar!

Tell me how you do
the coin-in-the-box trick.

Nichole, there is a magician's
code, and I cannot betray it.

Well, if you tell me, I'll...

Mirrors, it's all mirrors.

Anyway, that's why
my friend Stacy has an eye patch

and I'm permanently banned
from the Sunglass Hut.

Good talk, Thad. What are you getting?

Oh, good. Cards.

This is a good one.
Pick a card, memorize it,

- see what happens.
- Hmm.

I don't get it.

Hey, Nichole, do you want
to go get a drink at the bar?

- But we have a waiter.
- Yeah, I know, but let's leave.

Oh. Okay.

You know, I was initially skeptical

about what exactly tonight
was gonna be, but, um...

turns out a bit of nonsense
was exactly what I needed.

See? Nights like this
recharge the system.

Listen, I wish I had
some guys to take me out

after my divorces.

I don't have many male friends, either.

I relate to women better,

probably because I'm willing
to go there.

Oh, I have so many friends.

Too many. Actually,
I'm in the midst of a cull.

- But you're all on the list.
- Well, at least

that is one good thing that
this... divorce hath wrought.

That's not the only thing.

Don't you feel like a weight has
been lifted off your shoulders?

Dude, you're officially free.

Yeah, the road has been paved
for you and Ronnie.

Ronnie? Aw, come on, we're just friends.

Friends that almost boned
in the bathroom.

Guys, Ronnie and I
would drive each other mad.

I mean, she's literally maddening.

She's-she's stubborn
and she's combative and...

and then there are the days
when she goes out of her way

to do something incredibly thoughtful,

like she'll, she'll leave you
the last airline magazine

with a blank crossword,
and-and... you know,

you're left kind of amazed
that somebody so beautiful

and delightful would spend
even 30 seconds of her day

doing something just because she
knew it would make you happy.

And... and that makes
all the stresses in your life

seem to fade away.

I'm sorry, what was the question?

None of us have talked
for, like, 20 minutes.

Oh, dear God.

News flash, amigo: you dig Ronnie.

Okay, why did you think
I would like that?

- Well, he's a good listener.
- Can't argue with that.

I mean, if you're not into it, no
worries. I can make him disappear.

I made a joke my dad would like.

No, I came here to have fun.
I'm gonna give it another shot.

I just need a drink or two.
Probably two.

Uh, you have something in your bra.

God, I'm surprised
he hasn't given me a paper cut.

Rough night?

Uh, yeah. It's probably rougher for
the two women my date set on fire.

Oh, is he an arsonist?

Magician.

Oh. So an arsonist in sequins.

You know, I thought I wanted
a crazy, fun night out,

but this place is so douchey.

I mean, what is the theme?
Too loud and cocaine on the floor?

You throw in jean shorts
and a Raiders jersey,

and it's pretty much the theme of Vegas.

Maybe I'm trying too hard.

I wish I'd stayed home and had
a grilled cheese and a beer.

Hmm.

Well, see you later.

I hope your night gets better.

I'll keep on the lookout for any
cute blondes bursting into flames.

Well, if it ends the date,
I'm fine with it.

Okay.

Okay, here's what we know.

I'm a little drunk, I like Ronnie,

and when I get nervous I like to recap.

- What do I do?
- You got to go tell her.

What, now?

This is the exact wrong time.
I just got my divorce papers.

This is the exact right time.
She's been texting me all night.

She's on a terrible date
with a magician.

You could swoop in and rescue her.

Hey, this is like the reverse
ending of a romantic comedy.

You are at airport running to go
in other location.

Do you really think I should do this?

No, chico, you have to do this.

Okay. I'm gonna do it.

- That's right. We're trapped.
- I have an idea.

According to the Jackpot handbook,

as senior flight attendant,
it is within my authority

to declare an emergency
and deploy the evacuation slide.

Did you guys hear me?
We get to go down the slide!

- Slide!
- Slide!

Slide, slide, slide,
slide, slide, slide!

Slide, slide, slide, slide!

Slide, slide!

Rope made of pants.

Rope made of pants.

Rope made of pants, rope made of pants.

Rope made of pants.

Rope made of pants.

I just asked for a napkin, dude.

I'm sorry for the wait.

I'm sorry. I didn't actually order this.

Uh, compliments of the chef.

- And that would be...?
- Me.

Yep. Also the owner of this
whole loud, cocaine-y place.

I love you guys, by the way.

- Ah, you've seen our show.
- No.

? The sky is blue, I ?
? can taste the colors ?

? I know, I know... ?

- Oh, this is high.
- Almost there, Frenchy.

- Aah!
- Whoa!

The rope. How will you get down?

Don't worry about us.
Just go get the girl.

And hamburgers! I'm hungry!

Thanks for the grilled cheese.

My date loved it.

Well, you know,
that's not even my specialty.

You should let me make you breakfast.

That sounded sleazy. I meant to
say I'm really good with eggs.

Let me try again. You're really cute.

Let me make you breakfast.
No. That's the same.

I'm gonna let it slide this time

because I bashed your restaurant
right to your face.

Well, you weren't wrong, you know.
This place isn't me.

I opened the first restaurant
in Portland.

Then Vegas threw a bunch
of money at me to open one here.

And in Portland, we were farm to table.

Here we're farm to freezer

to truck to distribution center

- to train to truck to here.
- Wow, so you're a sellout.

Yeah, total sellout.

Um, we took care of that grilled cheese,

but I still owe you a beer.

You want to go someplace better
than this and grab a drink?

Uh, thank you, but I shouldn't
leave my friend with those guys.

If they try to cut her in half or
something, I'll feel responsible.

It's cool. Totally cool.

Everybody knows
getting cut in half sucks.

Well, thank you for the grilled cheese.

You got it.

Where are you going?
He was totally into you.

Yeah, he asked me out for a drink,
but I didn't want to bail on you.

Thank you. I get it. Girl code.
Lena Dunham. Traveling Pants.

But I came here to get you a guy

and that's the kind of guy
you ditch your friends for.

Aw, we're friends?

Yeah. You're wearing my dress

and we feel the same way
about Ryan Gosling.

Hot but not sexy, except in Drive.

You're crazy not to go out with
that guy. He's cute. He cooks.

He's clearly willing to listen
to you complain.

Why are you still standing here
talking to me?

Excuse me, excuse me. Hello, hi.
Excuse me. Hi, I'm sorry.

No, I don't have a reservation,
but I do have a, I have a...

- Hi.
- Hi. Wow.

I just realized I've never seen
you out of your uniform before.

You look amazing.

Thank you. What are you doing here?

Oh, it's a long story.
I got trapped on a plane.

I climbed down a-a rope
made of blankets.

It was a whole situation.

Yeah, I've had
a bit of a weird night, too,

but things are looking up.

Okay, that's...

that's exactly why
I wanted to talk to you.

- I...
- Ronnie, you ready to go?

Yeah. Uh, this is Bryan.

He owns the restaurant, and he saved me
from my terrible date.

We were just about to go get a drink,

but we-we could stay.

No. No, God, no. No, you guys go.

No, I've got my lads meeting me
here in a bit, anyway, you know.

Actually, I hear this place
has really excellent...

food.

We do have food.

Great, I will order some of that, then.

All right. So, I'll see you Sunday?

Yes. Yes. Get out of here,
kids, have fun.

Hey, Colin. You missed the magic.

Seems like I did.

? There's a love in my heart... ?

Oh, no.

She rejected you.

Here comes another hug.

No, I didn't even get to tell her.

How did you guys all get here?

Uber.

Oh, you mean from the plane.

The Jetway guy showed up
literally one minute after you left.

So, you didn't get the girl,

but you got something else:

four ice-cold bros.

That I did.

You know, thank you all so much
for this, really.

Of course.

No one should ever have
to handle the big "D" alone.

Yep, now I hear it.

Oh, man. I said it
so many times tonight.

Well, here's to my four...

Hold on a second. Where's Alan?

Yeah, where'd we leave that little man?

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 -
- www.addic7ed.com -