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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,375 --> 00:00:03,843 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,844 --> 00:00:07,180 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:11,017 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,018 --> 00:00:13,786 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,787 --> 00:00:17,290 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,291 --> 00:00:20,726 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,727 --> 00:00:22,295 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,296 --> 00:00:24,030 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,031 --> 00:00:29,031 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:37,478 --> 00:00:39,946 Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck. 11 00:00:39,947 --> 00:00:42,548 The Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store. 12 00:00:42,549 --> 00:00:44,083 The selection here stinks. 13 00:00:44,084 --> 00:00:45,650 Yeah, and so do the customers. 14 00:00:48,489 --> 00:00:51,324 Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia. 15 00:00:51,325 --> 00:00:54,093 Hey, Brian, remember Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants? 16 00:00:54,094 --> 00:00:56,628 They have the magic girl-power jeans. 17 00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:00,700 Holy crap, what happened? 18 00:01:00,701 --> 00:01:03,669 I don't know. I-I think I turned into America Ferrera. 19 00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:06,339 I don't want this. Help! Someone, help! 20 00:01:06,340 --> 00:01:08,875 Looking passable, Stewie. 21 00:01:08,876 --> 00:01:11,510 Looking damn passable. 22 00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:17,450 Aw, crap, people we know. You know the drill. 23 00:01:17,451 --> 00:01:20,386 We're donating, not buying. 24 00:01:20,387 --> 00:01:23,523 Just doing our part to give back to the community. 25 00:01:23,524 --> 00:01:25,057 I'm gonna go wait in the alley. 26 00:01:25,058 --> 00:01:27,860 Could you just ball them up and throw them out the window? 27 00:01:27,861 --> 00:01:31,496 Putting on strangers' hats is always a good idea. 28 00:01:37,104 --> 00:01:38,905 - Thank you for your service. - Huh? 29 00:01:38,906 --> 00:01:40,473 My father's a veteran, too. 30 00:01:40,474 --> 00:01:42,909 Thank you for protecting us and for posting revenge porn 31 00:01:42,910 --> 00:01:44,410 on Marine Corps message boards. 32 00:01:44,411 --> 00:01:45,778 Oh, actually, I'm not... 33 00:01:45,779 --> 00:01:47,547 I'm gonna start a trend of interrupting your sentences. 34 00:01:47,548 --> 00:01:49,115 Well, no, it's just a hat. I didn't... 35 00:01:49,116 --> 00:01:50,249 Thank you for your service. 36 00:01:50,250 --> 00:01:51,717 Bless you and all of our veterans. 37 00:01:51,718 --> 00:01:53,119 No, guys, I-I'm not really a vet... 38 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,154 I don't have time to hear the rest of your sentence, 39 00:01:55,155 --> 00:01:56,556 but thank you for being a veteran 40 00:01:56,557 --> 00:01:58,324 because you're definitely a veteran. 41 00:01:58,325 --> 00:02:02,228 And I'm Cris Collinsworth from NBC Sunday Night Football. 42 00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:05,097 On behalf of all TV football dummies, 43 00:02:05,098 --> 00:02:06,899 thank you for your service. 44 00:02:06,900 --> 00:02:09,302 You're-you're welcome. 45 00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,671 Wow. Feels real good to be a veteran, 46 00:02:11,672 --> 00:02:14,539 even better than buying a bottle of Newman's Own. 47 00:02:16,143 --> 00:02:19,244 This makes me a good person. 48 00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:23,482 Hey, someone just bought a bottle of bland salad dressing. 49 00:02:23,483 --> 00:02:26,818 Now we can use all proceeds to do jihad stuff. 50 00:02:36,063 --> 00:02:37,730 Hey, Peter, what's with the hat? 51 00:02:37,731 --> 00:02:39,565 - I'm pretending to be a veteran. - What? 52 00:02:39,566 --> 00:02:42,201 Yeah, it's awesome. Vets get all the sweet deals. 53 00:02:42,202 --> 00:02:44,170 I mean, you never see a homeless vet. 54 00:02:44,171 --> 00:02:45,605 And people have been really nice. 55 00:02:45,606 --> 00:02:47,572 Everywhere I go, they open doors for me. 56 00:02:48,709 --> 00:02:50,042 Welcome, sir. 57 00:02:50,043 --> 00:02:51,978 Thank you. 58 00:02:51,979 --> 00:02:54,880 Hey, so when really fat people come, 59 00:02:54,881 --> 00:02:57,249 make sure we're opening both doors. 60 00:02:57,250 --> 00:02:59,051 Guys, you could be veterans, too. 61 00:02:59,052 --> 00:03:01,186 Look what happens when I put on sunglasses. 62 00:03:02,556 --> 00:03:04,156 ♪ Highway to the danger zone... ♪ 63 00:03:04,157 --> 00:03:06,525 - Wow! - I want to try. 64 00:03:06,526 --> 00:03:08,561 ♪ Highway to the danger zone. ♪ 65 00:03:08,562 --> 00:03:10,296 It's loud being a veteran! 66 00:03:10,297 --> 00:03:12,131 The hell is wrong with you guys?! 67 00:03:12,132 --> 00:03:14,400 Do I need to remind you I actually am a veteran? 68 00:03:14,401 --> 00:03:17,103 And I'm sickened by the thought of trolling for free handouts 69 00:03:17,104 --> 00:03:19,872 on account of being a vet, much less pretending to be one. 70 00:03:19,873 --> 00:03:21,674 Quagmire, what if I told you your glasses 71 00:03:21,675 --> 00:03:23,275 do "Playing With The Boys"? 72 00:03:23,276 --> 00:03:24,644 The volleyball scene? 73 00:03:24,645 --> 00:03:26,379 Go ahead, give it a whirl. 74 00:03:26,380 --> 00:03:28,547 ♪ I'm playing... ♪ 75 00:03:28,548 --> 00:03:31,751 Whoa! It's like I'm high-fiving with Anthony Edwards. 76 00:03:31,752 --> 00:03:33,619 And it's not like I'd be lying. 77 00:03:33,620 --> 00:03:36,221 There we go. Hey, another round for me and my veteran buddies. 78 00:03:38,025 --> 00:03:40,893 Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs. 79 00:03:40,894 --> 00:03:43,229 Well, that's great, but I'm not your dad. 80 00:03:43,230 --> 00:03:46,332 I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a groupie I brought here for sex. 81 00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:47,800 Dad, Family Guy just... 82 00:03:47,801 --> 00:03:49,901 See, now, that's my daughter. 83 00:03:54,274 --> 00:03:55,641 You guys got your video cameras ready? 84 00:03:55,642 --> 00:03:57,009 Yeah. What's going on? 85 00:03:57,010 --> 00:04:00,212 Well, as a veteran, I get to star in a viral YouTube video 86 00:04:00,213 --> 00:04:02,682 of me reuniting with my beloved pet. 87 00:04:02,683 --> 00:04:04,916 So here goes. 88 00:04:15,562 --> 00:04:17,229 My pet is Christian the lion. 89 00:04:17,230 --> 00:04:19,231 I'm doing two Internet things at once. 90 00:04:19,232 --> 00:04:21,233 This is my heterosexual roommate, Ace, 91 00:04:21,234 --> 00:04:23,903 with whom I shared the lion two decades ago. 92 00:04:23,904 --> 00:04:26,771 - You look great, Peter. - I have a family now! 93 00:04:30,911 --> 00:04:33,412 You know, guys, if being a veteran is about anything, 94 00:04:33,413 --> 00:04:35,514 it's about getting half-hearted applause 95 00:04:35,515 --> 00:04:38,017 on a Southwest Airlines flight. 96 00:04:38,018 --> 00:04:39,418 Veterans. 97 00:04:39,419 --> 00:04:41,487 Yay, veterans. 98 00:04:41,488 --> 00:04:44,590 Holy crap, you're Eric Dane from Marley and Me, 99 00:04:44,591 --> 00:04:46,125 and other stuff! 100 00:04:46,126 --> 00:04:48,394 I'm afraid you got to give us your front-of-the-plane seats 101 00:04:48,395 --> 00:04:50,463 'cause that's what celebrities do for veterans. 102 00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:51,630 Well, clear out, kids. 103 00:04:51,631 --> 00:04:53,566 It's just part of the Hollywood deal. 104 00:04:53,567 --> 00:04:55,067 Thank you. Thanks. 105 00:04:55,068 --> 00:04:57,203 Thank you so much. This is why I served. 106 00:04:57,204 --> 00:04:59,238 "USS Nathan James"? 107 00:04:59,239 --> 00:05:01,507 Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir. 108 00:05:01,508 --> 00:05:03,542 The Nathan James is the fictitious ship 109 00:05:03,543 --> 00:05:07,847 on TNT's The Last Ship, starring Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims. 110 00:05:07,848 --> 00:05:10,216 - And Eric Dane. - Uh-oh. 111 00:05:10,217 --> 00:05:12,584 You guys aren't veterans at all. You're frauds. 112 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,755 Okay, we ain't real vets. 113 00:05:15,756 --> 00:05:17,456 Quagmire served in the Navy. 114 00:05:17,457 --> 00:05:19,892 The rest of us are charlatans. 115 00:05:19,893 --> 00:05:21,427 - Boo! - You're terrible! 116 00:05:21,428 --> 00:05:25,331 I fly Southwest to have a classy experience and you've ruined it. 117 00:05:25,332 --> 00:05:28,167 Excuse me, gentlemen. You're under arrest. 118 00:05:28,168 --> 00:05:29,435 What?! Why?! 119 00:05:29,436 --> 00:05:31,771 You three are in violation of the Stolen Valor Act, 120 00:05:31,772 --> 00:05:34,240 which makes it a crime to pretend to be a veteran. 121 00:05:34,241 --> 00:05:36,776 Oh, so suddenly it's a crime to break the law? 122 00:05:36,777 --> 00:05:38,577 Mr. Quagmire, you're free to go, 123 00:05:38,578 --> 00:05:40,613 but the rest of you will have to come with me. 124 00:05:40,614 --> 00:05:42,114 I thought we had it bad, 125 00:05:42,115 --> 00:05:43,449 being gay overhead bins. 126 00:05:43,450 --> 00:05:44,784 What makes us gay? 127 00:05:44,785 --> 00:05:46,184 We've got bags in our mouths. 128 00:05:52,893 --> 00:05:54,426 Hey, quick, put these on. 129 00:05:54,427 --> 00:05:56,428 They're not gonna throw a veteran in jail. 130 00:05:56,429 --> 00:05:58,130 Is this some kind of joke to you? 131 00:05:58,131 --> 00:05:59,632 No, it was a sincere idea. 132 00:05:59,633 --> 00:06:01,233 Real servicemen and women 133 00:06:01,234 --> 00:06:03,803 have made real sacrifices for this country. 134 00:06:03,804 --> 00:06:06,505 And you. You're an actual veteran; you should know better. 135 00:06:06,506 --> 00:06:07,873 I'm sorry. 136 00:06:07,874 --> 00:06:09,942 You made a mockery of our whole family, Glenn. 137 00:06:09,943 --> 00:06:11,477 Now, everywhere I go, 138 00:06:11,478 --> 00:06:14,113 it's like people are staring at me and whispering. 139 00:06:14,114 --> 00:06:15,581 Court is now in session. 140 00:06:15,582 --> 00:06:18,184 Judge Dignified Q. Blackman presiding. 141 00:06:18,185 --> 00:06:21,353 You men are accused of violating the Stolen Valor Act, 142 00:06:21,354 --> 00:06:23,589 and that's years of jail time. 143 00:06:23,590 --> 00:06:25,191 We forgot to get a lawyer. 144 00:06:25,192 --> 00:06:27,660 But in view of your long service to comedy, 145 00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:29,728 I'm willing to offer a deal. 146 00:06:29,729 --> 00:06:31,030 What kind of deal? 147 00:06:31,031 --> 00:06:34,166 I'll waive the charges, but only on the condition 148 00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,769 that you men enlist in the military for real. 149 00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:39,672 You three have to join the Marines. 150 00:06:39,673 --> 00:06:42,675 Oh, my God. We could be killed! Please, no! 151 00:06:42,676 --> 00:06:44,310 All right, how about the Coast Guard? 152 00:06:44,311 --> 00:06:45,878 Yeah, that's fine. 153 00:06:45,879 --> 00:06:47,079 - Wow. - Something happened. 154 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:48,480 Something just happened in court. 155 00:06:48,481 --> 00:06:51,050 Glenn, if you were half the man I used to be, 156 00:06:51,051 --> 00:06:53,819 you'd stand up and join them. 157 00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:55,821 Your Honor? I'd like to sign up, too. 158 00:06:55,822 --> 00:06:57,089 Oh, my God. 159 00:06:57,090 --> 00:06:58,490 I was checking my phone. What happened? 160 00:06:58,491 --> 00:06:59,658 Excuse me? 161 00:06:59,659 --> 00:07:00,926 That's right. I'm going with them. 162 00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:03,762 The four of us will join the Coast Guard together. 163 00:07:03,763 --> 00:07:06,565 All right. Report to the induction center tomorrow. 164 00:07:06,566 --> 00:07:08,767 Court is adjourned. 165 00:07:08,768 --> 00:07:12,304 The People v. Ted 2. 166 00:07:12,305 --> 00:07:14,172 Okay, come on, let's get out of here. Let's go. Let's go. 167 00:07:18,710 --> 00:07:20,644 Good morning, recruits. 168 00:07:20,645 --> 00:07:22,212 Welcome to the Coast Guard. 169 00:07:22,213 --> 00:07:24,648 Sir, when do we report for basic training, sir? 170 00:07:24,649 --> 00:07:26,550 Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff? 171 00:07:26,551 --> 00:07:28,251 This is just the Coast Guard. 172 00:07:28,252 --> 00:07:31,021 Now, come on. Who here can pantomime driving a boat? 173 00:07:31,022 --> 00:07:33,456 Hmm, we got any boat guys here? 174 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:36,860 Whoa, look at that. 175 00:07:36,861 --> 00:07:38,762 You guys should be recruiting me. 176 00:07:38,763 --> 00:07:41,163 Now can you bounce with the waves a little bit? 177 00:07:43,134 --> 00:07:45,736 Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy. 178 00:07:45,737 --> 00:07:47,771 Is this guy for real? This is idiotic. 179 00:07:47,772 --> 00:07:49,606 This is nothing like what the Navy was. 180 00:07:49,607 --> 00:07:51,875 Shh, Quagmire, I got to focus on my boat here. 181 00:07:51,876 --> 00:07:53,910 The way people's talking makes me think 182 00:07:53,911 --> 00:07:57,013 we're gonna be dealing with a lot of water. 183 00:07:57,014 --> 00:07:58,715 You guys seem to have what it takes, 184 00:07:58,716 --> 00:08:01,685 so raise your right hand as I recite the Coast Guard pledge. 185 00:08:01,686 --> 00:08:03,954 "When you're here, you're family." 186 00:08:03,955 --> 00:08:06,555 - Isn't that the slogan for...? - We had it first! 187 00:08:07,725 --> 00:08:09,526 Everybody ships out tomorrow. 188 00:08:09,527 --> 00:08:11,962 You'll find your assignments listed on this sheet. 189 00:08:11,963 --> 00:08:16,533 Oh, crap. Where in Iraq is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"? 190 00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:18,034 Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale. 191 00:08:18,035 --> 00:08:21,104 We're being shipped out to guard freakin' spring break. 192 00:08:21,105 --> 00:08:22,439 - Sweet! - All right! 193 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,207 Spring break on the land, not the water! 194 00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:27,077 No, it's not sweet. It's a joke. This whole thing is a joke! 195 00:08:27,078 --> 00:08:29,279 Compared to the Navy, the Coast Guard is totally 196 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,883 unprofessional and incompetent, like that ancient Roman intern. 197 00:08:32,884 --> 00:08:35,986 This is Markus. Today's his first day. 198 00:08:35,987 --> 00:08:40,557 He's going to be crucifying you now. 199 00:08:40,558 --> 00:08:43,693 He might want to use his hammer. 200 00:08:43,694 --> 00:08:45,796 Ugh, sorry. I'm so bad at this. 201 00:08:45,797 --> 00:08:48,497 Relax, you're doing fine. 202 00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:53,837 Well, I'm off. 203 00:08:53,838 --> 00:08:55,806 Oh, Peter, I'm so worried. 204 00:08:55,807 --> 00:08:58,175 - Where are they stationing you? - I can't tell you. 205 00:08:58,176 --> 00:09:00,376 That is on a knead-the-dough basis. 206 00:09:03,047 --> 00:09:04,481 - Florida?! - Shh! 207 00:09:04,482 --> 00:09:06,817 Hey, you be safe. 208 00:09:06,818 --> 00:09:10,687 Wait, Dad, before you go, can you teach me to shave? 209 00:09:10,688 --> 00:09:13,223 Well, for starters, bud, that's supposed to be on your pubes. 210 00:09:13,224 --> 00:09:15,625 You got a secret inch hiding under there. 211 00:09:15,626 --> 00:09:17,694 This is what I'm gonna be missing. 212 00:09:17,695 --> 00:09:20,230 Well, that's an unrelated car honking, 213 00:09:20,231 --> 00:09:21,931 but I'm gonna go now. 214 00:09:30,141 --> 00:09:32,809 Fort Lauderdale, Florida, 215 00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:36,413 where all the art in every dentist's office comes from. 216 00:09:36,414 --> 00:09:38,582 All right, let's get to work. Grab your binoculars. 217 00:09:38,583 --> 00:09:40,317 We got to practice doing funny double-takes 218 00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:41,951 upon seeing a bikini woman. 219 00:09:47,124 --> 00:09:49,192 Sir, should I say, "Aaoogah," sir? 220 00:09:49,193 --> 00:09:51,828 Affirmative. And, Joe, I order you to just let the binoculars 221 00:09:51,829 --> 00:09:54,297 fall right out of your hands, but you don't even notice 222 00:09:54,298 --> 00:09:56,032 'cause of how foxy the woman is. 223 00:09:56,033 --> 00:09:57,467 All right, yeah. 224 00:09:57,468 --> 00:10:00,003 I can see that we got the right skill set for this assignment. 225 00:10:00,004 --> 00:10:01,438 Okay, guys, knock it off. 226 00:10:01,439 --> 00:10:04,441 But, Quagmire, there's spring break boobs everywhere! 227 00:10:04,442 --> 00:10:05,742 Come on, guys, I mean it. 228 00:10:05,743 --> 00:10:08,578 This is important. I want you to start acting like it. 229 00:10:08,579 --> 00:10:10,413 - Wow, he's serious. - He's very serious. 230 00:10:10,414 --> 00:10:12,214 We're in the motel now. 231 00:10:16,487 --> 00:10:19,189 Guys, we have to complete a 160-point inspection 232 00:10:19,190 --> 00:10:20,657 of this coastal patrol cutter. 233 00:10:20,658 --> 00:10:21,825 I'll call them out. 234 00:10:21,826 --> 00:10:24,928 Item one: Hydraulic grapple-winch. 235 00:10:24,929 --> 00:10:26,296 Guys? 236 00:10:26,297 --> 00:10:28,864 We're over here, painting clever names on boats. 237 00:10:38,609 --> 00:10:41,678 No, Peter, it's supposed to be short and poppy. 238 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:43,679 Oh, okay. 239 00:10:50,488 --> 00:10:53,790 Okay, guys, while I scan for disabled watercraft, 240 00:10:53,791 --> 00:10:56,693 I need a status report on that hydraulic grapple-winch. 241 00:10:56,694 --> 00:10:58,061 Guys? 242 00:10:58,062 --> 00:11:00,230 We're busy; we're hanging out with Aquaman. 243 00:11:00,231 --> 00:11:01,998 I told you, I'm not Aquaman. 244 00:11:01,999 --> 00:11:03,533 I am the Sub-Mariner. 245 00:11:03,534 --> 00:11:05,669 - What's your deal? - I'm just like Aquaman, 246 00:11:05,670 --> 00:11:07,537 but I can't get fish to do things. 247 00:11:07,538 --> 00:11:08,838 That's the big thing. 248 00:11:08,839 --> 00:11:10,807 I mean, isn't that all Aquaman does? 249 00:11:10,808 --> 00:11:12,742 No, he can also breathe underwater, 250 00:11:12,743 --> 00:11:14,444 and he's strong, like me. 251 00:11:14,445 --> 00:11:16,313 Isn't everyone strong underwater? 252 00:11:16,314 --> 00:11:18,148 No, no. Not like me. 253 00:11:18,149 --> 00:11:21,351 I can punch a big octopus a really long way. 254 00:11:21,352 --> 00:11:22,519 Hey, guys. 255 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,187 - Hey, Aquaman! - Yeah! 256 00:11:24,188 --> 00:11:26,089 Hey, make a fish do something. 257 00:11:26,090 --> 00:11:27,991 Aw, shucks, guys, I don't know. 258 00:11:27,992 --> 00:11:30,659 I guess I could do something like... this. 259 00:11:35,866 --> 00:11:38,134 Wow, a real superhero. 260 00:11:38,135 --> 00:11:40,971 I-I have little wings on my feet! 261 00:11:40,972 --> 00:11:43,306 No, just-just, shh, shh. Ju... it's over. 262 00:11:43,307 --> 00:11:44,773 It's over. 263 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,314 Hey, can you guys keep it down for a bit? 264 00:11:51,315 --> 00:11:53,350 I got to have a FaceTime conversation with my wife 265 00:11:53,351 --> 00:11:55,418 where we talk at the same time, and then stop, 266 00:11:55,419 --> 00:11:56,919 and then start again, then laugh. 267 00:12:00,091 --> 00:12:01,257 - Hi, hon... - Hi, hon... 268 00:12:01,258 --> 00:12:02,592 - No, no, you go... - You go ahead. 269 00:12:02,593 --> 00:12:04,060 - No, I... - Go ahead. 270 00:12:04,061 --> 00:12:05,494 - Y-You first. - You first. 271 00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:09,165 - Hi, Pop. - Oh, God, Stewie. 272 00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:10,500 You've gotten so big. 273 00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:12,135 No, I'm just in the foreground. 274 00:12:12,136 --> 00:12:13,837 You're as tall as your mother now. 275 00:12:13,838 --> 00:12:15,805 He... he doesn't understand perspective. 276 00:12:15,806 --> 00:12:17,640 All right, let me say good-bye to Mommy. 277 00:12:17,641 --> 00:12:19,676 - Well, you take ca... - Good-bye, hon... 278 00:12:19,677 --> 00:12:20,777 - You go... - Oh, what? 279 00:12:20,778 --> 00:12:22,078 - You go... - No, I was just gonna say... 280 00:12:23,581 --> 00:12:25,315 Everything stinks. 281 00:12:25,316 --> 00:12:27,851 - Hey, Quagmire, where you going? - I'm going home. 282 00:12:27,852 --> 00:12:29,452 - What? Why? - 'Cause I'm sick of this. 283 00:12:29,453 --> 00:12:31,187 I'm the only one taking the job seriously. 284 00:12:31,188 --> 00:12:33,289 Hell, you guys still don't even know how to operate 285 00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:35,158 a simple hydraulic grapple-winch. 286 00:12:35,159 --> 00:12:36,893 Okay, that's the third time you've mentioned 287 00:12:36,894 --> 00:12:38,361 the hydraulic grapple-winch. 288 00:12:38,362 --> 00:12:40,130 Is that gonna be important for later? 289 00:12:40,131 --> 00:12:42,198 I feel like maybe it is. 290 00:12:42,199 --> 00:12:43,700 Quagmire, you can't just go home. 291 00:12:43,701 --> 00:12:45,001 We're stationed here. 292 00:12:45,002 --> 00:12:46,703 I wasn't sentenced, but I came anyway 293 00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:49,005 because I thought I could try and teach my friends 294 00:12:49,006 --> 00:12:51,474 what it means to serve their country, the way I did. 295 00:12:51,475 --> 00:12:54,744 But you're hopeless, so I'm done. 296 00:12:54,745 --> 00:12:56,546 And I'm still the voice 297 00:12:56,547 --> 00:12:59,081 of Cris Collinsworth, and I'm done, too. 298 00:13:00,484 --> 00:13:02,419 Uhp, closet. 299 00:13:02,420 --> 00:13:04,320 Now I got it. 300 00:13:04,321 --> 00:13:05,755 Aw. 301 00:13:05,756 --> 00:13:08,658 I disappointed the stupidest guy in football. 302 00:13:08,659 --> 00:13:11,561 - I got to go take a sad pee. - Me, too. 303 00:13:11,562 --> 00:13:14,297 We should probably all go urinate together, outdoors, 304 00:13:14,298 --> 00:13:17,700 as a group of guys, while wearing backwards baseball caps, 305 00:13:17,701 --> 00:13:20,836 per Fort Lauderdale municipal law. 306 00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:24,374 The Florida ways are the best ways. 307 00:13:24,375 --> 00:13:26,109 Are we ready to attack? 308 00:13:26,110 --> 00:13:29,279 We are! And many people will die. 309 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,580 What the hell's that? 310 00:13:35,219 --> 00:13:36,820 Are we ready to attack? 311 00:13:36,821 --> 00:13:40,223 We are! And many people will die. 312 00:13:40,224 --> 00:13:42,225 - Oh, my God. - Those evil frat boys 313 00:13:42,226 --> 00:13:44,327 are planning to kill spring break. 314 00:13:44,328 --> 00:13:47,230 And they only had time to record two lines of dialogue. 315 00:13:47,231 --> 00:13:48,798 Are we ready to attack? 316 00:13:48,799 --> 00:13:52,034 We are! And many people will die. 317 00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:58,074 - We got to stop them. - All right, let's just find 318 00:13:58,075 --> 00:14:00,110 a quiet place to come up with a plan. 319 00:14:00,111 --> 00:14:01,744 All right, here's what we do! 320 00:14:01,745 --> 00:14:04,080 We track down... 321 00:14:04,081 --> 00:14:06,416 we saw talking and... 322 00:14:06,417 --> 00:14:08,918 Joe, you get us some... 323 00:14:08,919 --> 00:14:11,387 And, Cleveland, I want you to get... 324 00:14:11,388 --> 00:14:13,957 buildings in the city. 325 00:14:13,958 --> 00:14:17,060 I'm still very unclear about the plan! 326 00:14:17,061 --> 00:14:19,062 Three more banana daiquiris. 327 00:14:19,063 --> 00:14:21,330 We track down the... 328 00:14:26,364 --> 00:14:28,432 Did you see all of those guns and weapons 329 00:14:28,433 --> 00:14:30,034 those evil frat boys had? 330 00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:31,502 I sure did. 331 00:14:31,503 --> 00:14:34,271 And we still haven't nailed down a date for visiting Epcot. 332 00:14:34,272 --> 00:14:35,473 But what can we do? 333 00:14:35,474 --> 00:14:38,209 Quagmire was the only real soldier among us. 334 00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:39,844 You're right. Compared to him, 335 00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:43,246 we're about as useless as one of those automatic bathroom sinks. 336 00:14:47,185 --> 00:14:49,185 Uhp. Uhp. 337 00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:53,256 Uhp. 338 00:14:55,260 --> 00:14:58,095 Uhp. 339 00:14:58,096 --> 00:14:59,663 Uhp. Uhp. 340 00:14:59,664 --> 00:15:01,065 Uhp. Uhp. Uhp. 341 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,132 Uhp. 342 00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:03,601 Uhp. Uhp. 343 00:15:03,602 --> 00:15:06,203 What the hell are you doing? This is a women's bathroom. 344 00:15:06,204 --> 00:15:07,805 Uhp. 345 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,741 Come on, guys, we don't need Quagmire to do the right thing. 346 00:15:10,742 --> 00:15:11,976 I love that movie. 347 00:15:11,977 --> 00:15:13,978 If there's gonna be an attack at spring break, 348 00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:18,415 we can't just stand by while people get hurt, or even killed. 349 00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:21,185 Joe's right. It's up to us to stop it. 350 00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:23,020 Because we're in the Coast Guard, 351 00:15:23,021 --> 00:15:25,788 and when you're here, you're family. 352 00:15:40,872 --> 00:15:42,039 - Great! - Yeah! 353 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:45,109 - Ooh! - Yeah, yeah. 354 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,710 That food was all very salty. 355 00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:53,517 There's so many people. 356 00:15:53,518 --> 00:15:56,119 We got to find those frat boys. Look for anything suspicious. 357 00:15:57,255 --> 00:15:59,790 The Coors party ball is a dirty bomb! 358 00:15:59,791 --> 00:16:02,826 No, Peter, it's not; it's just the coolest, freshest way 359 00:16:02,827 --> 00:16:05,195 to keep your party rolling is what it is. 360 00:16:05,196 --> 00:16:06,463 This is hopeless! 361 00:16:06,464 --> 00:16:08,599 There's no way to guess what their target is. 362 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,234 Final boarding call 363 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,069 for the "Are We Ready To Attack, We Are, 364 00:16:12,070 --> 00:16:14,204 And Many People Will Die" booze cruise. 365 00:16:14,205 --> 00:16:16,640 Okay, I got a feeling about that one. 366 00:16:16,641 --> 00:16:18,375 - Let's go! - No, guys. 367 00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:19,977 We'll never make it on foot. 368 00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:21,979 We got to steal that kid's Jet Ski. 369 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:24,582 Peter, the boat's right there. We'll totally make it. 370 00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:26,082 It's the only way, guys! 371 00:16:27,719 --> 00:16:30,054 Peter, we're now literally standing on the boat. 372 00:16:30,055 --> 00:16:31,888 That's how close the boat is. 373 00:16:32,958 --> 00:16:34,525 Made it! 374 00:16:34,526 --> 00:16:37,226 - You wanted to ride the Jet Ski. - I wanted to ride the Jet Ski. 375 00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:43,934 How much you reckon a boat like this cost? 376 00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:47,137 All right, everybody, freeze! This is the U.S. Coast Guard. 377 00:16:47,138 --> 00:16:49,405 And when you're here, you're family. 378 00:17:03,288 --> 00:17:06,389 Anyway, U.S. Coast Guard. You kids are... 379 00:17:07,959 --> 00:17:10,427 What are we gonna do? We're way outgunned. 380 00:17:10,428 --> 00:17:11,862 Are any of you familiar 381 00:17:11,863 --> 00:17:14,598 with what's referred to as a "Leeroy Jenkins"? 382 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:16,233 Well, I don't know what that is, 383 00:17:16,234 --> 00:17:18,535 but let's make a very long, elaborate plan. 384 00:17:18,536 --> 00:17:21,271 All right, so I'll run in first and use an intimidating shout. 385 00:17:21,272 --> 00:17:22,473 When my shout's done, 386 00:17:22,474 --> 00:17:24,608 I'll need Joe to come in and use his shout, too. 387 00:17:24,609 --> 00:17:25,776 What do you think, Joe? 388 00:17:25,777 --> 00:17:27,277 Can you give me a number crunch real quick? 389 00:17:27,278 --> 00:17:29,213 Yeah, give me a sec. I'm coming up with, uh, 390 00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:31,949 32.33, repeating, of course. 391 00:17:31,950 --> 00:17:33,851 Okay, that's a lot better than we usually do. 392 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:37,221 - So let's... - Leeroy Jenkins! 393 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,890 Oh, my God, he just ran in. Let's go! Stick to the plan! 394 00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,325 Let's go, let's go! 395 00:17:41,326 --> 00:17:43,794 Aw, man. 396 00:17:43,795 --> 00:17:44,962 Aw, we're dying. 397 00:17:44,963 --> 00:17:46,797 Damn it, Cleveland. 398 00:17:46,798 --> 00:17:48,232 Where'd they get dragons? 399 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,768 These guys have magic, guys. 400 00:17:50,769 --> 00:17:52,169 I can't move. 401 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:54,571 Oh, God! 402 00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:56,740 You know, Cleveland, you're an idiot. 403 00:17:56,741 --> 00:18:00,443 This episode has a lot of Internet things. 404 00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,416 Ah, crap, we're gonna die. 405 00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:06,717 Freeze! 406 00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:10,187 Quagmire, you came back! 407 00:18:10,188 --> 00:18:12,589 That's right. Because I'm in the U.S. Coast Guard. 408 00:18:12,590 --> 00:18:14,657 - And when you're here... - Oh, no, don't say it! 409 00:18:21,232 --> 00:18:23,567 Ah, I'm glad you came back, buddy. 410 00:18:23,568 --> 00:18:24,935 You really saved the day. 411 00:18:24,936 --> 00:18:26,737 Hey, where'd you get the machine gun? 412 00:18:26,738 --> 00:18:28,539 From the coastal patrol cutter. 413 00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:32,443 "Machine gun" is item 49 of the 160-point inspection. 414 00:18:32,444 --> 00:18:35,746 Oh, that was when I was writing homosexual stuff on the boat. 415 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:38,115 - Too bad about the bomb. - Bomb? 416 00:18:38,116 --> 00:18:39,850 Yep. Right here on the boat. 417 00:18:39,851 --> 00:18:42,853 Soon you will all do the foamy dance of death. 418 00:18:42,854 --> 00:18:46,390 We are! And many people will die. 419 00:18:46,391 --> 00:18:48,424 He just says that one thing. 420 00:18:53,631 --> 00:18:56,466 The bomb is hidden in the foam. 421 00:19:01,306 --> 00:19:02,306 Where is it? 422 00:19:02,307 --> 00:19:03,907 - Have you found it? - No. 423 00:19:03,908 --> 00:19:06,610 I was thinking next Thursday for Epcot, but no bomb. 424 00:19:06,611 --> 00:19:09,146 You're wasting your time; the bomb will activate 425 00:19:09,147 --> 00:19:10,948 the moment the floor stops vibrating. 426 00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:13,317 Did you hear that? Twerk! 427 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,052 Twerk like you're Miley Cyrus 428 00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:17,053 trying to prove something to your dad! 429 00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,530 Found it! 430 00:19:30,401 --> 00:19:32,236 We're all gonna die! 431 00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:35,938 Oh, no, we're not. I stole a Jet Ski from a kid. 432 00:19:44,616 --> 00:19:46,549 Ha, ha! 433 00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:50,553 Oh, I forgot they do that. 434 00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:55,626 Hydraulic grapple-winch! 435 00:19:55,627 --> 00:19:58,094 - Oh, yeah! - From earlier! 436 00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:14,945 - We did it! It's over. - 'Cause of you. 437 00:20:14,946 --> 00:20:16,947 Thanks for saving us, Quagmire. 438 00:20:16,948 --> 00:20:19,817 Eh, I was just doing my duty. Just like you did. 439 00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:21,552 Good job, soldier. 440 00:20:21,553 --> 00:20:24,855 Anyway, what matters is everyone's okay, 441 00:20:24,856 --> 00:20:26,523 thanks to the Coast Guard. 442 00:20:26,524 --> 00:20:28,524 Because when you're here... 443 00:20:29,861 --> 00:20:32,628 I'm not going back to that restaurant. 444 00:20:38,977 --> 00:20:41,435 I'm so happy you're back home where you belong Peter. 445 00:20:41,444 --> 00:20:43,381 It's just not the same here without you. 446 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,300 Thanks Lois. 447 00:20:44,516 --> 00:20:46,349 And I thought about you not at all. 448 00:20:46,547 --> 00:20:49,302 Well I'm so proud of my Coast Guard husband. 449 00:20:49,559 --> 00:20:51,959 And I'm proud of my Coast Guard dad. 450 00:20:52,314 --> 00:20:55,404 And I'm Bi-Sexual, like all members of the Coast Guard. 451 00:20:55,548 --> 00:20:58,178 Goodnight Coast Guard, hope you enjoyed the episode. 452 00:20:58,622 --> 00:21:01,622 - Synced and corrected by Lunee101 - - www.addic7ed.com - 33967

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