All language subtitles for A Very Sordid Wedding

Oh, I think she's so pretty.

Wardell.

I love you.

Well, I guess you didn't
think I was gonna make it,

did you, Earl?

Oh, Lord!
Help me, help me!

Fuck me, Earl!
Fuck me now!

I can't, I can't, I can't.

You fucking dog, Earl.

Fuck me now!

Go to sleep.

Save me.

Make all the ugly
in the world go away.

Save me.

♪ Now who's to judge?

♪ What's a saint?

♪ And who's a sinner?

♪ Lord, it's tough enough
To trudge

♪ From brunch to dinner

♪ Well, we seek
The light of truth

♪ Between our white lies

♪ And we sleep away
Our youth

♪ Under tattletale skies

♪ Now who's to say
Who's a sinner

♪ And who's a saint?

♪ Who's to say who you
Can love and who you can't

♪ Well, it's easy for the pot

♪ To call the kettle black

♪ They're just jealous
Of the hot and lusty

♪ Sordid lives they led

♪ Ain't it a bitch

♪ Sortin' out
Our sordid lives

♪ It's a bitch

♪ When you come to realize

♪ Get yourself a box
Of Cracker Jacks

♪ Then you can get
A really shitty prize

♪ It's a bitch

♪ Sortin' out
Our sordid lives

♪ Now we struggled
Cumin' down the chute

♪ To take our first breath

♪ And we struggle
For acceptance

♪ From our birth
To our death

♪ But the Lord's
Too busy tryin'

♪ To keep the world
On it's feet

♪ He ain't got time
To give a damn about

♪ What goes on
Between your sheets

♪ Ain't it a bitch

♪ Sortin' out
Our sordid lives

♪ It's a bitch

♪ When you come to realize

♪ Get yourself a box
Of Cracker Jacks

♪ And you can get
A really shitty prize

♪ It's a bitch

♪ Sortin' out
Our sorry little

♪ Sordid fives

Because of the hoarding,

Brenda has not let anyone in...

Oh, my word.
LaVonda, get in here.

You are not gonna believe
this hoarder's house.

I can't, I am late for my
hospital visitation duties.

And I am takin'... Meta
with me in see her mama.

Noleta, we gotta skedaddle!

I can't find my ponytail!

I wonder why.

Brenda's house makes
Noleta's trailer look tidy.

Collects dolls because
her daughter drowned

when Brenda was
passed out drunk.

Tragic.

You know, I am just
glad to see you back

in front of that TV.

You've had your nose
stuck in the Bible

for the last few months.

You done?

Mm, almost,
I had to take a break.

Revelation scares
the dickens out of me.

Barely slept last night.

I just do not know what
possessed you to read

the entire Bible cover to cover.

I think I'd kill myself.

Well, with Ty and Kyle flittin'
from one state to another

gettin' gay married and,
coupled with that

Supreme Court decision,
and now what's goin' on

down at the church house,
I just needed

to figure out same
things for myself.

Seems to me if David can
have Bathsheba's husband

killed in battle,

so he can marry
that adulteratin',

pregnant tramp,

to add to his shit ton
of other wives,

our nephew can marry
the one man that he loves.

You're bein' too
hard on Bathsheba.

David used his position as
king to have his way with her.

Du not blame the victim.

How is Noleta's mama?

Tests still pending.

They've narrowed it down
to either stomach cancer

or a severe case of ptomaine,
which she might have gotten

from her very own
leftover tuna casserole,

which she left out all night.

Ooh, in this heat.

Mm, then she ate it
for breakfast.

Shoo, Hortense knows
better than that.

It's summer, and who eats
tuna casserole for breakfast?

Hortense.

Can I borrow a pack of
cigarettes? I'm runnin' low.

Ves, but you pay
me back this time.

They're so high now,
it ought to make us all quit.

I'm gonna pray
Hortense has ptomaine

instead of stomach cancer.

I can't find my ponytail.

You wanna borrow one
of my Raquel Welch wigs?

No, that's all right,
I'll just rethink my look

on my way over to visit Mama.

You wouldn't have that
problem if you'd just

chose a look and stick to it.

That's right,
me and Sissy's hair has

stood still for decades.

We interrupt this program

to bring you the very
latest on a developing story.

We have confirmed
that convicted serial killer

Billy Joe Dotson...

Sweet baby Jesus,
he's that serial killer

from over in Longview,
who picked up hitchhikers

and killed 'em by
conkin' 'em on the head

with a sledgehammer
he stole while workin'

at a meat packin' plant
right over in Tyler.

He is so hot.

I guess I won't be
hitchhikin' anytime soon,

or I'll end up in the graveyard.

I might.

Well, Mama, it's been
17 years since you died.

The day you caused so much
chaos and all hell broke loose.

My son came out as gay right
in front of your coffin.

And is now legally
married to a black man.

Thanks to
the U.S. Supreme Court.

I'll give you a moment
to roll over in your grave.

Oh, Mama,

so much has happened.

Wilson left me.

Took my credit cards...

my beautiful home.

I had to move into
a 1,700-square-foot house,

back here in Winters,
Texas, where there's

a constant parade of crazy
dancin' in the street.

♪ You done me wrong
So I'm doing you right

♪ You'll find your bags
Out on the porch tonight

♪ Don't try to give that
Same song and dance, yeah

♪ I have had enough and you've
Had your last chance...

oh, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy.

17 years ago, these
sumbitches...

Killed the love of my life.

Well, now technically,
it wasn't them sumbitches,

G.W., remember?

Noleta burnt up them wooden
legs that killed Peggy.

I know that, you idiot.

You don't have to get nasty.

Hey, look on the bright side.
At least you once had a wife,

and a mistress.

Some of us ain't
never found love.

Maybe it's 'cause no
one wants you, Odell.

You got that right.

Goddamn it, half-wit.

I was struck by lightning,
that's why I'm a little slow.

Made you smarter, in my opinion.

Princess Margaret was
Queen Elizabeth's sister

and her former
daughter-in-law,

Sarah Ferguson, is a duchess.

And Prince Charles
had a mistress,

Camilla Parker Bowles.

And that's what killed Diana.

Well, that's good
to know, Juanita.

Well, I ain't never seen any
love in your life neither.

Me and LaVonda had a good
thing goin' at one time.

Yeah, till she dumped your ass,
like, a million years ago.

Victory, that's a new one
I made up just right now.

"V", for victory, you see.

Looks like a big
hairless vagina to me.

I don't like that.

I got somethin' that'll
make you feel better, G.W.

A bullet through my head?

No, I'm puttin' back together
that 15-year tribute

for Peggy that was suppose
to have two years ago.

Got derailed by that
hail storm and Odell

gettin' struck by lightning.

And then last year, Juanita
went missin' for two days.

Did you find me?

You got locked in
the storage closet,

passed out drunk from
tryin' each and every one

of my liquors in there.

Good times.

I never should have tried
to catch them hail balls

in my mouth, like peanuts.

Error in judgment.

We'll just make it
a 17-year anniversary.

We can get together and
sing Peggy's favorite hymns

just like the good old days.

How's it gonna he
like the good old days

when the love of my life,
Peggy, is six feet under?

You can't kill love, G.W.,

but love can kill you.

And you don't want that.

Did she just make sense?

Well, even a blind hog finds
an acorn every now and then.

Come to me, Tammy. I need you.

Why don't you ever
come to me anymore?

Well, shit,
she ain't a-comin'.

I'm gonna call my Aunt Sissy.

No, no, no, no...

Oh, bless her heart.

Hello.

Hi, sissy,

Oh, well, hello Brother Boy,
how are you, hun?

Oh, Sissy, I've been
havin' this dream.

My fantasies of Wardell
and I gettin' married

have started up again.

But it was a beautiful wedding,

and you were a bridesmaid.

Oh, thanks for askin' me.

It was a dream, Sissy.

But then, the dream turns into
an awful, awful nightmare.

And the wedding
becomes Mama's funeral.

But Doctor Eve, you remember
that mean old store-bought

big-titty doctor who was
tryin' to de-homosexualize me

at the loony bin?

I do indeed,
I did not care for her.

Yeah, well, Doctor Eve is
in Mama's coffin, not Mama.

And she tries to get
him to well, to fu...

To have carnal
relations with me.

Right there in the church house?

Yes, in Mama's coffin.
It was so frightening.

You do know what today's
date is, don't you?

Thursday.

Ah, Mama's death date.

She died 17 years ago.

She's haunting me
because, Sissy, she never

wanted me to be happy.

Oh, sweet baby Jesus,
how time flies.

Seems like just yesterday
that Peggy tripped over

them wooden legs and hit her
head on that nasty old sink

at the Galaxy Motel
while havin' that affair

with G.W. Nethercott.

Hello, sweet boy.

Hey, Mama, I'm callin'
you from Dallas.

Dallas, you're so close.

Did you finish your, um,

marriage tour thingamajig?

Ves, ma'am, this last part
is what I like to call

the "weeping and gnashing
of teeth" part of the tour.

Uh-huh, well, y'all sure
did get a lot of press.

That was the point.

Yes, great for your cause,

not always easy
on mothers in Winters, Texas.

Well, I'm sorry that
exposing bigotry has caused

you such grief, Mama.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I'm used to being gossiped
about by now,

but how come you're in Dallas
and I'm just now findin' out?

Kyle's up for a big job at
Mitchell Gold, Bob Williams,

head design associate.

And he gets to choose
between Dallas and Atlanta.

Oh, choose Dallas.

I could come up there and shop.

Kyle gets family
discounts, right?

I need a new chaise, in taupe.

We'll get right on that.

And you can visit Winters often.

Yes that would be,
just horrible.

Although, maybe we could make
Texas number 50, in Winters.

And you could throw
us our wedding,

that would certainly
get lots of attention.

Oh, aren't these flowers pretty?

It's your nan-aunt's
death date.

I'm in the cemetery
as we speak,.

I wish you were here but,
you'll always find a reason

not to visit Winters.

I just gave you a reason
for me to come home

and you changed the subject.

Oh, let's not fight, Ty.
You know I love you, I do,

and I'm really happy
that you and Kyle

have found each other.
I just, well,

it's just not exactly

the kind of wedding that
I always envisioned.

Me neither, because I never
thought it was possible,

because I was taught by you,

and everybody else...

Okay, you're right, you're
right, let's change the subject,

um, 'cause I've been saving
the big news, and I mean big.

Hey, Latrelle, what would
you prefer to be called,

grandma, me-ma, nan-a,
or my personal favorite,

because you're so
glamorous, glama?

Wait, what?
Are you all...?

Yes, our surrogate just
finished her first trimester

and we wanted to wait,
you know, just to be sure,

but you are going to
be a glama of twins.

She's screaming.

Good to see you, Mitchell.

I gotta go, Mom.
Boss man just arrived.

Hey, Mitchell. Bye, Mom.

Oh, welcome.
Good to see you guys.

- You too.
- Come on hack, let's talk.

So I saw all the press
on the recent weddings.

Perfect media attention.

Faith in America. Great job,
Ty, that was incredible.

And you, Kyle, what's it
gonna be, Dallas or Atlanta?

I don't speak. I don't speak
gruntin', Aunt Little Neecy.

Oh, hello there, Brother Boy.

LaVonda, I need your help.

My talents are
being wasted here in

Long-fucking-view, Texas.

I need you to rescue me.

Uh-huh, well, did you hear
that the hitchhiker murderer

has escaped the pen?

He is from Longview, you know.

And he's killed people
all over that area.

Had sex with those he murdered.

He's suppose to be
executed next week.

LaVonda, please,
you know I frighten easily.

I'm fragile as a
little baby kitten.

And Mama's ghost is hauntin' me!

It's not the good hauntin'
like when Tammy comes to me.

It's the had hauntin'.

And they've made, LaVonda,

this new drag queen

head of the show,
and she has me on probation.

She's sayin' that
I have to give up Tammy.

I have to give up Loretta,
and I have to give up Dolly.

I'll have no show.

My new show is called...

We Three Queens of Opry Are.

I mean, who am I
suppose to do, LaVonda?

Carrie Underwood? Her kind of
Christianity frightens me.

I mean, one minute she's
asking for Jesus

ta please take the wheel,
and then the next minute

she's heatin' out the
headlights of her cheatin'

ex-boyfriend's truck.

What about the other one?
Am I suppose to do her?

The little fleshy,
the real sweet one,

married to Blake Shelton.

Miranda Lambert.
They're gettin' divorced,

and she's lost weight.

Well, I hadn't, I'm big as
Dallas and half of Fort Worth.

I look like my water
is about to break.

And I can't pull off
them young ones, LaVonda.

I mean, you can just
dim the lights so low

and then you're in the dark.

I need you to come get me.

Can you borrow Wardell's truck?

And move me up tn Dallas
where opportunity is rampant?

I heard about this bar LaVonda,
called the Rose Room.

Seats 500 people.

I need that kind
of appreciation.

LaVonda, I need that
kind of applause.

I need so much, LaVonda.

I need my precious princess...

Tammy!

Yoo-hoo!

Mrs. Barnes.

On, uh.

Hello, Latrelle.

Well, you've gotta meet
the new preacher.

Jimmy Ray!
Jimmy Ray, hey!

Jimmy Ray Brewton,
he's my nephew,

and he's gonna carry
on now that Cecil has...

has gone on to glory
to meet Jesus.

Jimmy Ray, this is
Latrelle Williamson.

She's the one I told
you about with the son.

Well, the Good Lord
sure did bless you

with beauty, Latrelle.

- Oh.
- Did indeed.

Well, now, thank you.

I have a question.

Now that marriage equality
is the law of the land,

how's this revival,
well, gonna change things?

Supreme Court's not
the law of this land.

Word of God's
the law of this land.

Well, actually,
if memory serves me right,

um, that's not exactly true.

The Constitution is the law
of the land, not the Bible.

Separation of Church and state,

um, somethin' we all should
have been taught in school.

She's a feisty one, ain't she?

Indeed she is.

Oh, I could tell you stories.

And I'm sure you already have.

Fact of the matter is,
five liberal justices

and an ungodly Muslim president,

can't take away my...

your biblical
and constitutional right

to live according to
your deeply held beliefs.

Well, now, you've lost me,

because as I said, it's the law.

Well, that's true,
but as Christian warriors,

we have to fight for our Lord.

And here's your answer.

We are gonna make Runnels
County a sanctuary county

for the institution of
biblical marriage, one man,

one woman, and to never
have a gay marriage

performed in this county.

Ever, ever.
We want our rainbow back.

We do, indeed.

And there have been
consequences to the moral decay

of this country caused by
the gays and the acceptance

of their lifestyle,
and there will be more.

9/11, AIDS, Obana's
election, Hurricane Katrina.

And Sandy. Oh, and don't
forget that Japanese tsunami.

And fire ants.

- All because of the gays.
- Um.

Well, you know, I consider
myself a God-fearing Christian

but I find it hard to
believe that the gays wield

enough power to
control the weather,

and disease, and insects.

Well, allow me to
correct you here, you see,

God has the power to respond
appropriately to immorality.

And it's our responsibility
to protect this county

from his wrath.

Well, things become a little
cloudy and complicated when...

I'm sure you've been
told that my son is gay.

Yes, I have heard that.

And I'm so, so sorry.

That cross must be so
hard for you to carry.

Now you just might
need this revival

more than anybody in this town.

Why don't you come by
on Friday, Latrelle,

and I promise you
that everything will become...

crystal clear.

Hm.

You know what?

I think I will.

I just can't come right now.

I'm here at the
hospital sittin' with

Evelyn Crawley's
Aunt Little Neecy.

Aunt Little Neecy who used
to have all them feral cats?

And a pet skunk.

Why, I thought she died.

She was old when we were kids.

And why are you sittin'
with the afflicted?

LaVonda, that is so unlike you.

Evelyn has had somethin'
on me for years,

which I do not want to discuss,

and she has just been
waitin' to collect.

What's wrong with
Aunt Little Neecy

besides meanness and insanity?

Well, Evelyn was in her
kitchen, picklin' okras

from her garden,
and she put Aunt Little Neecy

in front of the television,
to keep her occupied,

and tn keep her
from goin' through

her underwear drawer again.

I mean, she's just obsessed
with Evelyn's underwear,

likes to try every
one of 'em on.

Oh, there's nothin'
crazy about that.

Uh, well it, it,
stretches them out.

Oh.

Anyway, Aunt Little
Neecy just loves that show

where the sponges talk.

I mean, whoever came
up with that show

had to be on drugs,
if you ask me.

So Evelyn looks up at
the clock on the stove...

Tammy, honey, is this as
boring to you as it is to me?

The Price Is Right,
although, Lord, she was pissed

when Bob Barker quit,
and hates Drew Carey,

who looks better fat.

Anyway, she goes in there and
tries to change the channel

on the TV, and that's
when the trouble started.

That is a lot of
detail, LaVonda.

Oh, hush. You asked.

And I listened to
your sob sister story

for 30 fuckin' minutes.

Okay, okay, proceed.

Well, it became a
battle over that remote.

Evelyn could not pry that remote
out of Aunt Little Neecy's hand,

grip of death.

And during the
struggle that remote

landed upside Evelyn's head.

Well, that did it.

Evelyn lost her temper,
and Little Neecy lost hers.

So, right in the middle
of Aunt Little Neecy's

big old temper tantrum,

she goes into a full-blown

epileptic seizure and
bit off her tongue.

Bit off her tongue?

- Yes.
- Lord.

Evelyn had to put
that bit-off tongue

in the pickle jar she was
usin' for puttin' up her okra.

Dumped that good okra
right in the sink,

packed that jar with ice.

Quick thinkin'.

Sure was, and she got
Aunt Little Neecy here

to the hospital,
where Dr. Lloyd

was able to reattach
that bit-off tongue.

But all that blood
just ruined Evelyn's

brand-new white carpet,
indoor, outdoor.

But Evelyn says that
the good news is

that the doctors say
that Aunt Little Neecy

will speak again,
with speech therapy,

which in my humble
opinion is not good news,

'cause that crazy old bat
never fuckin' shuts up.

And, I strongly believe
that Evelyn will regret

packin' that tongue on ice.

What does Evelyn
have on you, anyway?

Well, it has to do with her
witnessing a justified crime

that I was an accomplice to
years ago, involving a goat.

Oh, my God, was it sexual?

No!

And that is all
you need to know.

Well, Evelyn was just plain
stupid buyin' that white carpet.

But LaVonda, honey,

I'm desperate.

I need for you to drive here

And take me to Dallas.

Uh-oh, she's throwin'
things. I gotta go.

Come get me, LaVon!

What took you so long?

Did you bring me my Payday,
and my flamingo-pink lipstick?

I mean, the nurses,
the orderlies, the new preacher,

they had to look at me all
day without my lips on.

Yes, ma'am, I'm sorry.

Oh, just give me my lipstick.

If I'm going to die,
I want to look presentable.

Oh, just cremate me.

I mean, you would never be
able to do these eyebrows.

Mama, you are not going to die.

Stomach cancer
runs in this family.

You're probably
gonna die of it too.

Just give me my
lipstick and my Payday.

Okay, oh, there it is.

- Oh, kill it.
- Oh, Payday.

Payday, good.

- Lipstick.
- Ah-ha,

and quit eating.

You'll never get
another man at your size.

Mama, I'm a size 10.

In what country?

I am not gonna let you
push my buttons, Mama.

You may have installed them,

but I'm not gonna
let you push 'em.

I heard that on
Oprah's Lifeclasses.

Oh, shut up.

Oprah's full of shit.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I am going to see

if they have your pending test
back to see how much longer

I am going tn have to
put up with this shit!

Which Oprah is not full of.

LaVonda, LaVonda!

No yelling in the hallways!

There are sick people in here.

Didn't your mother teach
you to be considerate?

No, ma'am, she just
taught me to feel

inferior and worthless.

- LaVonda!
- Trash.

Hey, there, pretty lady,
could you come in here?

Me?

Well, I don't see no
other pretty lady nearby.

Hey, would you be an
angel and hand me...

hand me them
crutches over there?

Goddamn mean nurse
helped me into this chair

and told me she'd be
back in 30 minutes.

Been over an hour.

Oh, damnation,

You're pretty.

Uh?

Oh, and I don't
see no wedding ring.

No. No more. No ring.

I pawned it after my divorce
17 years ago. Single!

See, my husband had an affair
on me with my best friend's

70-year-old mother,
and our friendship survived

but the marriage did not.

My friend LaVonda,
oh, that's Peggy's daughter,

Peggy is the old
adulteratin' dead woman,

is settin' in that
room across from you

with Evelyn Crawley's
Aunt Little Neecy.

Well, Aunt Little Neecy is crazy
as a sack full of assholes,

bless her heart.

And I'm here visitin' my mama,
who either has stomach cancer

or a severe case of ptomaine.

I mean, we're prayin'
that it's ptomaine,

but she is so damn mean

sometimes I just wish
she would die.

Oh, shout, I meant
to just think that.

My husband, G.W., well
my ex-husband now,

17 years, no ring, single,

he is a Vietnam vet

and he has two wooden legs.

Well, technically
they're fiberglass.

And one day I got real mad,
and I took one of them legs,

and I bashed in all the
windows on his pickup truck

while he was takin' a bath.

Not a pretty sight with
them stubs, years ago.

Then, I set them legs an fire
in the bed of his pickup truck,

beings as I was so upset
after Peggy's funeral,

you know about the
affair, not her death.

But first, I soaked
them legs in gasoline,

'cause I think that
shit through,

tossed in a match, boom!

Oh, it's hard to make a
marriage work after that.

Remind me never to piss you off.

Okay.

I, uh, I don't mean
to make it worse.

What...
What happened to your leg?

Well, I crushed it
workin' on an oil rig.

Uh, my crutches.

Oh, right, sorry.

Okay, here you go.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, hey, will you
get behind me,

put both your hands

around my waist and
give me a shove up?

Okay.-

Don't look at my ass.

Okay.

There we go.

Oh, yay, it worked.

My buddy Hank's suppose
to bring me some sweats but,

- are you lookin' at my ass?
- No!

Well, maybe just a little.

Good.

Oh, Lord!

"Come, Lord Jesus.

"The grace of the Lord Jesus

be with all. Amen."

Hm.

Well, it's not the best
endin', if you ask me.

Corner Stop, where
Jesus is alive and well

and everything is
convenient. This is Vera.

How may I help you?

Hello, Vera, well,
I just now finished

readin' the entire Bible.

I've been dealin' with
Brother Boy this morning, ooh!

More troubles than
Christ on the cross.

Well, bless his heart.

I've been praying for
Jesus to turn him straight.

Well, Vera, I think that
perhaps that is a wasted prayer.

If you have faith the
size of a mustard seed,

you can say to a mulberry
tree, "Be uprooted

and he planted in the sea."

That's in Luke.

Hey, Leticia, you're
mixin' up the sweet spicy

chili Doritos with
the spicy nachos again.

Yes, Vera! Bitch...

"Be ye kind, one to another.
" Ephesians 4:32.

Mm, uh-huh, that's
one of my favorites.

Why do you think anybody
would want to uproot

a mulberry tree
and plant it in the sea?

How would they pick
their mulberries?

Mm, there are some
things in the Bible

that just do not make
a lick of sense to me.

Well, I live by the Bible,
Sissy.

I don't need it to make sense.

Now I'm gonna need you on my

anti-equality calling committee.

The revival starts tomorrow,

and we gotta get
the final word out.

They're comin' for
our religious freedoms,

and good Christians
are bein' persecuted.

3'! who?

Obama, Hillary Clinton,
five liberal judges,

and Miley Cyrus.

Sissy!

Sissy!

Oh, Lord, Vera, I gotta go.
It's Latrelle.

Sissy!

Sissy!

Well, you're just
never gonna believe

what the church is doing,
you just won't.

Vera told me...

They're havin' an
anti-equality revival.

That's what they're callin'
it. It starts tomorrow.

I just met the new
preacher, Jimmy Ray Brewton.

He's handsome.

Very argumentative.

Well, you'd know all about that.

That's nut always a bad thing.

Oh, wait a minute.
I just hung up from Ty.

He and Kyle may be
movin' to Dallas.

Kyle's got a big designer
job offer from Mitchell Gold,

Bob Williams, furniture
store, very upscale.

High end. Gorgeous.

Maybe you can get
some free furniture.

Oh, the bigger news.

The boys are havin' twins.

Oh, twins.

I gotta tinkle.

What's wrong with my furniture?

LaVonda.

LaVonda.

This is Hardy.
Hardy, this is LaVonda.

Hardy's new in town.

And who are you,
the welcome wagon?

Are you two smokin'
in the hospital?

Oh, yeah, we were smokin'.

I gotta go,
I'm gonna be late for work.

We're not done here, okay?

Okay, ow!

Why don't anything good like
this ever happen to my life?

Did you see the
size of his feet?

I sure did, come on.

So they both do their business
in a cup instead of a sock,

and it goes to some
science lab where it then

fertilizes some
stray woman's eggs

that they choose from
a book of donors.

Then the fertilized eggs
are put into the surrogate's

uterus, that will
then carry the babies.

Was very scientific.

Ew, Lordy, Lordy, the
things they can do these days.

They use this agency
called Growing Generations,

that did every thing,
put every thing together.

And that oldest
Winkler girl just had her

fourth baby out of wedlock.

They could have just
slipped her a 20 and

had a little white trash baby.

No, thank you.

I do not want a
Winkler grandchild.

No tellin' what's swimmin'
in that gene pool.

Besides, they wanted their own.

And with today's
technology, each one

can have their very
own biological child.

Oh, one white one,

and one cute little mulatto.

Ew, I hope the
mulatto one is a girl.

Halle Berry is so beautiful.

Sissy that word, "mulatto,"

it's no longer
politically correct.

"Mixed" is preferred.

Mixed, huh?

Well, if you say so.

Mulatto sure has a
prettier ring to it.

Lord, I cannot keep up.

Is African-American still right?

I believe so,
only there are some

who don't care for that either.

Oh, I cannot wait to tell
mid-life crises Wilson

that he's gonna be a grandpa.

♪ I am a Christian, Lord

♪ But I'm a woman too

Finish Tammy, and then
I gotta get into Loretta.

Velcro, girl.

How to solve this shit.

Hello.

We're not open yet.

- You worthless pathetic freak.
- Aah!

You can kiss your
precious Tammy goodbye.

'Cause it ain't a workin'.

No! Go away, Dr, Eve!

Hello.

'No!
I'm okay?

Oh, forgive my appearance.

I'm working on a transition
from Tammy into Loretta.

It's part of a skit
I come up with.

For the big show,
it's Loretta, Tammy, Dolly,

We Three Queens of Opry Are.

How about you be
a good little girl

and pour me a strong drink.

We ain't open yet.

Okay.-

Well, hurry up,
Roger's gonna kill me.

I'm gonna be late for work.

Little to the right, Wardell.

And those beautiful
princes, William and Harry,

were left motherless.

And I will never forgive
Camilla Parker Bowles.

Oh, who gives a shit, Juanita?

Queen Elizabeth.

Tragic, Juanita.

- Hey, G.W., Odell, hi, Wardell.
- Hi, Vonnie.

Are you all doin'
all this for my mama?

Yep, and I'd like for
you to come tomorrow night

as my date, for old times' sake.

- I think I'd like that.
- Yeah.

I'm Earl. Folks just
call me Brother Boy,

or Tammy Wynette.

I'm Billy Joe.
Can I bum a smoke?

Why don't you light two at once.

Sorry, they're kinda girly.

I'm bisexual, I'll
channel my feminine side.

Oh, bisexual, huh?

What?

Just wanted to
pass and say howdy.

What's up?

Well, Mama's in the hospital,

either stomach
cancer or ptomaine.

And she told me I'd never
get another man at my size.

Then right after she
said that, I got laid

by a younger man,
hot as hell, with both legs

in a hospital bed.

Mama was wrong.

So what's up with you,
G.W., stayin' busy?

52.09, 52.09, 52.09,

52.09, 52.09, 52.09,

52.09, 52.09 and 52.09.

Will there he anything else?

Uh-uh.
No, ma'am, no, no, no.

For that, I can't even
afford to eat anymore.

Have you given any more
thought to bein'

on my anti-equality
calling committee?

Well...

Sissy, would you
buy me this Baby Ruth?

I had a craving for
somethin' sweet.

Well, hello, Latrelle.

I heard that your ex-husband
has been shackin' up

with a much, much younger
more beautiful woman

in your former
mini-mansion that you lost

in the divorce
over in St. Angelo.

How you holdin' up?

I'm fine, Vera, thank you.

Well, you've been on my prayer
list ever since your husband

ran off with that
mulatto IHOP waitress.

Prayers mean so much.

"Mulatto" is no longer
politically correct, Vera.

They prefer "mixed" these days.

And I've been prayin' for
you, and your struggle with

obesity, and gluttony too.

You have faith,
you can move a mountain.

Shut up, Leticia.
Go dust the sauce or you'll be

lookin' for a new trabajo.

I don't speak Mexican!

And I am not a glutton,

I have glandular problems.

Oh, Vera has struggled
so with her weight battle

ever since we were kids.

Dr. Oz says it's a disease,
just like bein' an alcoholic.

Well, then perhaps it's
time for you to get sober.

People don't like you, Latrelle.

Yes.

It's the one thing
we have in common, Vera.

Come on, Sissy.

Oh!

Bye.

I know what that
teardrop tattoo means.

It means you been in the pokey.

Uh, damn, I needed that.

I've had a real bad day.

You know who I am?

Mm-mm.

Should I? You famous?

My precious, precious
Tammy was famous.

It was her blessing
and her curse.

Pills.

I'm just a lost soul
roamin' the highways.

Uh, well, that's poetic.

You know I like
the way you look.

Rough.

Rough trade.

Rough trade.

Yeah, I'm rough, all right.

You know why the
call it the pokey?

Ah, that's nasty!

Yeah, but you might like

to get poked in the pokey.

Oh, you shut up.

Be right back,
forgot somethin' in my truck.

I am a Christian, Lord,

but I'm a woman too.

♪ Boom, boom, boom, boom

Hello?

Billy Joe?

What the hell's all this?

Well, hello, Marty.
It's nice to be greeted

by such a ray of sunshine.

Shut up.

Who the hell is Billy Joe?

My imaginary friend,
who watches me rehearse.

You are certifiable, when
the hell are you gonna learn?

This is not working, okay?

No-kay.

And if can't perform
some new material,

and not the tired old shit
from the has-been dead,

and the has been almost dead,
then you leave me no choice

but to fire your
prissy, untalented ass.

Loretta and Dolly
are not almost dead,

and they're certainly
not has-beans.

Tammy's the only
one that's dead.

And she is not and certainly
will never he a has-been.

She's just gone.

She came to me, Marty.

I was chosen. I don't think
you're capable of even

understanding that kind of
commitment and obligation.

Sn why don't you just
sail on back to Singapore.

I'm Filipino, born in Cleveland.

When I was in the
loony bin at Big Springs,

Tammy's ghost came tn
me night after night...

- Shut the fuck up!
- Came for me!

I cannot hear that
cockamamie bullshit

country legend
ghost story again.

You were in a mental
institution for a reason, okay.

Case closed.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, Martina, don't!

No, no!

I am plannin' a
little surprise visit.

I want Wilson to be
filled with regret

the moment he sees me.

African-American,
Asian, mixed.

Roger, I am so, so
sorry that I'm late

but someone came up.

And it was hard
for her to get away.

Hi, Noleta.

- Hi, Latrelle. Hey, Sissy.
- Hey, sug.

- It's always somethin'.
- It was somethin', all right.

Well, I guess 1 missed
whatever the somethin' was.

Noleta, could you fix
my French manicure?

Please, focus this time.

On it.

You've been missin'
that somethin'

your entire life, Latrelle.

Alley cattin' has never
been my forte, unlike some.

Hell's bells, Latrelle,
my alley cattin' years

are a distant memory.

And there was only one
ole cowboy that ever

did anything for me
in the first place.

Shit, if it wasn't for my
rabbit, I'd never have another

fuckin' orgasm in my
fuckin' life!

I'll buy you one for
Christmas, Latrelle.

Why wait?
My birthday's next month.

And this folks,
is the perfect example

that people can change.

Sissy, you want a rabbit?

No ma'am, I do not like rodents.

Don't make me do
Carrie Underwood.

Or Blake Shelton's
formerly fleshy ex-wife,

or that butch from Sugarland.

I can't do it, Marty,

I just can't!

You will if I say you will.

No, no, no, Dr. Eve!
Get out of my head!

Stop, just go, go, go,
go, go, no, no, go.

I'm not going anywhere.
I'm your new boss,

the one who had no
say in hiring you,

but can sure as shit fire you.

Sm pop up with a new act,

or you can hang up
your tired, tattered heals.

Apologize to the lady.

Who are you?
What are you doing in here?

Fuck you.

Excuse me, who the hell do
you think you're talking to?

I'm talkin' to you, bitch.

Now apologize to the lady,

or you have me to
fuckin' deal with.

All right, you have 10
seconds to leave this bar

before I call the police
to have your dumb redneck,

white-trash ass arrested.

All right then.

- Oh! on, my God!
- You can't kill him.

That's the escaped
hitchhiker murderer.

Oh!

No, no, don't shoot him.
No, don't shoot.

You can't shoot him in the head.

You just shot
at the wrong person, ass wipe.

I got it, I got it,
I got the gun.

'Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't, don't, you'll splatter
blood on my costumes,

and I've worked so hard on 'em.

You gotta be shittin' me.

No, I'm not shitting you.

Blood and splattered
brains is so messy.

Blood will not
come outta chiffon.

- She's right about that.
- No!

I mean it, Billy Joe,
don't you kill him.

All right, then.

This never happened.

'Cause if one call
is made to the cops,

I will come back here and
slice you from your asshole

to your appetite, got it?

I do, this never happened.

You cumin', or not?

Well, I guess so.
Under the circumstances,

my options are rather limited.

Oh, Good Lord.

Oh, my God!

I wish you
would look at old Vera!

I guess a life committed
to ridin' a scooter is

better than goin' on a diet.

You know, some people just
don't care about their health.

You know I've gut a
good mind to go over there

and knock them off that
scooter and claw them to death

with that fuckin' hammer.

Roger, hun, you don't mean that.

Murder is never a good option.

I have just been beaten
down all my life by the Bible.

And at some point, there
are no more cheeks to turn

and no more fucks to give.

Billy Joe, run! Run fast!

That Singapore sling is evil.

She cannot be trusted.

Come on, come on, get in here.

She's not Southern.
Help me, Ian!

God, jeez, what is all that?

It's my stuff,
for my show, now let's go.

Goodbye,
Long-fucking-view, Texas.

Haul ass, Billy Joe!

Ladies, it's so good that
all of you are here together.

We really want you to
come to our revival.

Vera, I cannot be on your
anti-equality calling committee.

Sissy, you don't believe
in equality, do you?

I most certainly do.

What's goin' on?

Sissy believes in equality now.

Well, then you don't
believe the Bible,

and you're not right
with your maker.

Jesus spoke to us, He said,
no service to the gays.

No cakes, no flowers, no photos,

and nobody to
perform the weddings.

No gay marriage,
ever, ever, ever.

Shh.

Jesus is speakin' to me too,
right here and now.

And the voice that I'm
hearin' is tellin' me...

What? What's he sayin'?

He's tellin' me...

that he never said dip to you.

And that you're a liar,
and a wolf in sheep's clothing.

A very large sheep.

Stop your
fat-shaming, LaVonda!

This has nothin' to do
with what's on the outside,

but the awfulness inside
these two hypocrites.

What has gotten into you, Sissy?

You're hurtin' my feelings.

Love...

and compassion, wasn't
that Christ's real message?

And now I'm usin' my heart,
and the intelligence

the Good Lord give me to
figure things out for myself.

Well, I'm not.

I... I didn't say that right.

Oh, Vera, nothin'
you say is right.

Come on, Latrelle, let's
head over to St. Angela's

so we can tell your
asshole ex-husband off,

'cause I'm on a roll and whoo,

You're ready!

Get outta my way!

Sinners!

Oh, Roger hun,

could you do
a quick touch-up on my hair?

I wanna luck my best for
the revival tomorrow night.

Get your bacon-eatin'
Baptist asses outta my shop.

And now that the Winter's
Hail-port is closed,

and Lila Walker is no
longer the oldest living

beautician in the
entire state of Texas,

because she is dead, who the
fuck's gonna do your hair?

Yeah, bitches, anti-equality
works both ways.

Now you get the hell outta here
before I beat you...

Get out, get out, get out, now!

Get out, get out, now.

That's right, bitches, get out.

Whoa!

So, where you wanna go?

Dallas, to the Rose Room...

where opportunity is rampant.

We're gonna need some money.

I'll be right
back, you stay put.

Don't move.

Will you get me a cold cola?

What kind?

Dr Pepper.

Oh, and some cigs.
I'm down to my last 20,

I should have grabbed
that stash of tips.

Keep it, don't need it.

Well, what a gentleman.

Ugh, what the hell do you want?

Hello, Greta.

I need to speak to Wilson.

Have you ever heard of
the telephone or email?

Have you ever heard of
age-appropriate dressing?

Whatever, hitch.

Wilson, your ex-wife
Latree is here.

Latrelle.

You know it's Latrelle.

I'm about to bust my bladder.

Put all the fuckin'
money in the fuckin' bag.

That's right, don't
you fuckin' move.

All the money in that fuckin'
bag, that's it right there.

Give me the fuckin'
money or I'll shoot her

in the fucking face.

I might have bit
off more than I can chew.

Get in the truck!
Get in the truck!

Get in the goddamn truck!

Well, if I'd known you was
gonna commit armed robbery,

I would not have
worn my kitten heels.

Come on.

What the hell do you want?

Do you mind?

Whatever you wanna
say in front of me,

you can say in front of my wife.

Wife?

Wife!

Right after my divorce
was final last month,

and we were both free
of our horrible pasts,

we had a simple private
ceremony in San Antonio

with a mariachi band.

Mm, it was perfect for
our simple yet pure love.

Well, I, I didn't know.

Well, what'd you expect,
Latrelle? A wedding invitation?

You're gonna be
a grandpa, Wilson.

What?

Huh, Ty and Kyle's surrogate

is pregnant with twins.

I can explain how that
works if y'all need me to.

Works against God's
nature is what it does.

Just as their relationship
and their lifestyle

works against God's will.

That's right. We believe
that God created Adam and Eve,

and not Adam and Steve,

and that marriage is
between a man and a woman.

Shouldn't that be between
a man, his first wife,

and then a couple of
trashy waitresses?

Did she just call me trashy?

Well, if the hooker heel fits.

And I am a singer,
not a waitress.

At the Bowl-a-Rama.

Wilson, are you going to allow
her to talk to me like this?

Allow? Oh, honey,

he never had that
kinda control aver me.

Greta, hurl, do y'all
believe all the Bible?

This feels like
a trick question.

We absolutely do.

We hate the sin,
but we love the sinner.

Latrelle, we're
gonna need some rocks.

Rocks?

Yes, hun, I hate to inform
you, but the Bible is

very clear on
stonin' adulterers.

Covered in several passages.

So I guess me and
Latrelle are gonna have to

stone you and Wilson.

Ew, would right here in
the driveway be acceptable?

Sissy, would these
bricks that I lined

this flower bed with,
will they do?

Bullshit! Ga on and
get off my property.

You are gonna be
a grandpa, Wilson.

Our gay son is gonna he a daddy.

And he will parent with
the gay man who he loves

and is legally married to,
so get used to it.

Stop being such
a terrible father.

Get off the property.

Yeah, or I'm gonna call
the police.

The property you stole from me?

Gladly. Come on, Sissy.

Nice to meet you, Greta.

I am real happy we
didn't have to stone you.

Wilson.

Good job, Latrelle.

I felt it went well.

Um, yeah.

Give it to me, daddy.

What?

I'm sorry, I think
we have to come up with

a better way to talk dirty.

I don't think we can use
daddy like that anymore.

Right.

Wow.

Urn, man, we're gonna
be daddies, Ty.

We are gonna be
the best damn daddies

God ever put on this Earth.

Unlike mine.

Hey, bringin' us down.

Literally.

Talk dirty, baby.

Give me that BBC my, um...

hot, black man?

Hurry up, I don't want
Aunt Little Neecy to see me.

She's become attached.

Did you miss me?

Well, kinda.

I'm not wearin' any underwear.

Your mama.

Oh, right, tests pending
are no longer pending.

Well, if it's had
news you come back here

and I will comfort you.

But if it's good news,
you come back here

and we'll celebrate.

- Win-win.
- Yeah.

How the fuck is
this happenin' to you?

Trash!

We just need to hang
out here a couple hours,

until it gets dark.

Get a little sleep,
let things cool down,

then we'll take a back
road on up to Dallas.

Life of crime is so exciting.

I love bein' on
the lamb with you.

Well, there, one bed.

I am so glad it was
ptomaine and not cancer!

Oh, yes, he does!
Oh, give glory! Give glory!

Hallelujah!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, whoa, we win, win, win,

hold one, one more, one...
whee!

- Jesus, oh, win, win!
- Huh?

Noleta?

Win, win, win, win.

Kinda looks like a
bald, naked Jesus if

Jesus had tattoos,
which he did not.

You don't have a snowball's
chance in hell with this one,

- you little monkey freak.
- Go away.

No, even prison
trash is above you.

You do my masturbation
exercises, look at these.

No, I'll masturbate,
but I won't think of you

and those cow-dung titties.

I'm gonna think about
Billy Joe Dobson,

the hitchhiker murderer.

You'll think of me
if I say you will.

No, go away! No!

No!

Who the hell are you talkin' to?

You.

Huh, just a silly
way of wakin' you up.

Beats the hell out
of "rise and shine,"

give God the glory, glory.

Dude, you are fuckin' crazy.

And I like crazy.

Wonder which one
is the mixed twin.

Hi, Mama.

Ty, I need you to come home.

Winters needs you.

Why don't you scare me?

I think my killin'
days are over.

Maybe you can sense that.

Well, it works in my favor.

Come over here by me.

You mind?

No, uh-uh, I don't mind.

The killin'
was all connected to sex.

I'm attracted tn women and
men, just about everything.

Except farm animals.

But, my attraction is
only for dead people.

Besides, I can't get this
monster dick of mine up no more.

Them days are over.

- Monster?
- Mm.

Where does it end?

You might be a killer,
but you ain't a liar.

I don't wanna be that,

a killer.

I take full responsibility,

but I had a childhood that was
like a goddamn horror movie.

Can't go there.

It was just somethin',
the killin', I couldn't control.

I tried...

so hard.

My kind ain't too
popular in the big house.

Some inmates cut my nuts off.

Cut your nuts off?

Yep.

Them guards just stood
back and laughed,

I almost bled to death.

If it hadn't been for
this big old black queer

named Ribeye, I would've.

Maybe that's why I like you.

You kinda remind
me of old Ribeye.

Oh, you've lost me.

Well,

he was real, real sissy.

Almost a woman.

Oh, yeah, well,
that makes complete sense.

But Ribeye saved my life.

Sewed my nut sack shut.
Hurt like a motherfucker.

He nursed me back to
health real tender-like.

Felt more love than
I'd ever felt in my life.

Didn't want sex.

Nothing.

It was just love.

But then Ribeye met his maker.

Got into some bad drug shit

and was stabbed
right in front of me.

Everybody I ever
love just leaves.

I'm scared to die.

'Cause I know with all
I done here on this Earth

I don't have no chance
of goin' to heaven.

I will be burnin' in that
lake of fire for eternity.

I'm bound for hell.

So, that's why I escaped.

'Cause they was suppose to
execute me in a few days

and I was scared shitless.

So, I guess...

in a way,

losin' my nuts
was the best thing

that could have happened
to me, and you.

'Cause if I still had my nuts,
I'd have killed you,

then we'd have sex,
which you couldn't enjoy

'cause you would be dead,
but then...

I'd certainly be
attracted to you.

Well, thank you.

Sure makes me feel
better about myself.

Dear sweet Jesus, this is
the strangest conversation

I have ever had in my
entire life.

What?

For Ribeye.

In other news
no w, Texas Attorney Genera!

Ken Paxton is telling county
officials they can deny

- marriage licenses...
- Sore losers if you ask me.

To same-sex
couples, if it conflicts

- with their religious beliefs.
- Why'd you take down

all my pictures of your mama?

Wardell wants me to
bring some over to Bubba's

- for Mama's memorial service.
- Ah.

And breaking
news just in to our news room.

The hitchhiker murderer,
Billy Joe Dobson,

is still on the loose.

But he was spotted today
during what appears to be

the kidnapping of
an elderly woman.

You know that hostage
looks vaguely familiar.

If you know
this woman, or have...

Well, this is it.

I'm gonna miss you.

Yeah, I'm...

well, okay.

Get out.

You deserved a better life.

You're gonna need this.

Plenty more where
that came from.

Thank you, Billy Joe.

I learned something very
valuable from meeting you.

What's that?

Never judge a serial killer.

Bye-bye.

Still takin' away keys

and drivin' all the
drunks home, huh?

Keeps me in business.

You're a good man, Wardell.

Well, hell.

"Amateur drag competition,
the Rose Room."

It's a sign.

So now you're an
accomplice to a crime.

And in a big, strange city.

You're not here.

You don't belong here.

You don't belong
anywhere, faggot.

You don't belong here.

You store-bought, big-tittied,

old alcoholic

homo-hatin',
pill-poppin', bitch.

You go away, forever!

Ding-dong, the bitch is dead.

♪ You're movin' closer now

♪ All I can say is

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ah, ah, ah

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh...

Amateur drag competition.

I ain't an amateur, but
you gotta start somewhere.

You movin' in?

No, I'm not movin' in,
I just wanted...

choices for the competition.

Oh, your Andrew Christians
are, ooh, not real Christian.

The Rose Room!

I'm just... I'm overwhelmed.

- Do you need a shot of courage?
- Yeah, I'm nervous.

Girl, I love this dress,
and this one is divine.

Now I made 'em myself.

Shut the fuck up.

You're gonna he fabulous, baby.

Well, thank you.

Grandmother, did they
let you out of the home?

Krystal, sign up
Angie Dickinson here.

Don't pay any attention
to Cassie, she's bipolar.

I think you're kinda precious.

Well, I'm not Angie Dickinson.

I am Tammy Wynette.

More like Tammy Why-not.

Ooh, the big red
one is delicious.

Wait till you
hear this audience.

Time to celebrate
my baby's new job!

Oh, God, this is where
I learned to be gay.

Under what table?

All of 'em.

Ladies and gentleman,

please make welcome
to the stage,

Cassie Nova!

Hey, you crazy motherfuckers,

welcome, welcome, welcome

to the amateur show here at
the Rose Room and dance floor.

Can we talk about how gay
this motherfucker looks?

I'm in a freakin' dress
and he is gayer than I am.

And he's wearin' more makeup.

Stoli cran and one mint, please.

How you doin'?

Oh, no, other side.

He slapped his ass,
I don't care about his ass.

Or his face.

Now tonight, we are
being sponsored by Stoli,

so lift your glasses with
me in the name of the Lord

and all that is holy,
cheers to queers.

Oh, Lord, look how young I was.

Yeah, that was about
the time that I...

kissed the most beautiful
gal I'd ever seen.

Down by the old cow pond.

I was barely 16.

Yeah.

Oh, and that's not all
we did down by the cow pond

if I remember correctly.

Ah, young love.
Nothin' like it.

Well, maybe there is, Vonnie.

'Cause you're still
the most beautiful gal

I've ever laid eyes on.

I never stopped
loving you, Vonnie.

I never stopped
loving you, Wardell.

Ladies and gentlemen,
y'all make some noise for

the gorgeous Krystal Feather.

Great job, girl. Great job.

You see, this is the goal,
queens. This is the goal.

All right you all, for
this next entertainer,

I want y'all to keep y'all's
expectations real low.

'Cause this next old country
queen, is short as fuck.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Miss Tammy Whynot.

It's Wynette, run and
tell her, Tammy Wynette.

Drink up, girl.

♪ He said
Hold on Patricia"

♪ I only tried to kiss you

♪ She said, "Okay, " but
then said, "Don't you dare"

♪ She seems so badly shakin'

Bless her heart.

♪ He thought he was mistaken

♪ But it sure looked like
She bowed her head in prayer

That's my hair. I can't
perform without my hair on.

♪ But I'm a woman too

♪ If you are listenin', Lord
Please show me what to do

♪ I've tried hard
To be what...

I think that's my
Uncle Brother Boy.

I don't think she's gonna win.

Thank you

George Jones drank
to calm his nerves.

It did not work for me.

Excuse me, but...

I am so sorry you all had
to witness this catastrophe.

I got up stage and
I just bunched up.

My throat, I just...
I couldn't. I froze.

I think you're my
Uncle Brother Boy.

You're Latrelle's boy.

I am.

Ty.

This is my husband, Kyle.

Your husband?

I just wanna kiss you
on the cheek, both.

Love those nails.

Oh, they'd look
good with your color.

I mean...

Do you live here?

I hitchhiked up
here from Longview.

It's just a really long story.

I'm, um... everything
I own is in a sack.

All my possessions, my worldly
possessions, are in a sack.

We're headed hack to
Winters Uncle Brother Boy.

Do you want to
come home with us?

Hell, no. I ain't been
home since I saw you

last time at Mama's funeral.

That was almost a bigger
disaster than tonight.

I think you should reconsider.

It's time we all
be a family again.

♪ Are you washed
In the blood

♪ In the soul cleansing
Blood of the lamb?

♪ Are your garments
Spotless and...?

Speakin' of garments,
a walk of shame.

You hussy.

Guilty.

Where have you been all night?

Oh, Sissy, me and
Wardell got back together.

Oh!

I'm so happy for you

Ah!

Oh!

Well, who in the world?

Are you expectin' anybody?

- Ty, oh, heavens to Betsy!
- Aunt Sissy!

Oh, you must be Kyle.
Welcome to Winters.

It's a pleasure to be here.

And look who we
found just wanderin'

the streets of Dallas.

Oh!
Hi, Brother Boy, oh.

Come on, I finally made it.

Everybody come on in, come on.

Come on in, Ty.

I'm gonna go on in

and finish gettin'
some breakfast

- Ooh, shh, shh!
- We are interrupting regular

programming for this special
report and update now

on the hitchhiker murderer.

Billy Joe Dotson is dead.

- Good.
- Killed during a shootout

with police and after
a dramatic car chase

through Dallas late last night.

Take a close hack here.
This elderly woman

- is believed to be...
- Elderly?

The hitchhiker
murderer's final victim.

Police are currently
tucking for her body.

We will keep you updated
as we learn more.

The fallen angel has
returned to heaven.

Yes, she has.

That poor old woman.

Wonder why she's
hitchhiking at her age.

Sissy!

Sissy!

Ty, you made it.

We did. We made it, Mama.

Ah, and Kyle.

Oh, well, gut
everything planned.

It's all mapped out.

All right, well, let's discuss
everything over breakfast,

I got plenty. It's almost ready
and nobody likes cold biscuits.

Look who we brought.

Brother Boy.

You look very pretty.

I missed you.

Do I know you?

Well, I guess I deserved
that but, I'm tryin'.

Oh, she's still a bitch,

but it's just not
non-stop anymore.

Do you mind?

Come on, boys.

Brother Boy, I's awful to you

for years, and I'm just so...

No, honey, you don't
have to do this.

No, no, I do, I need to.

I'm sorry,

it's just that so much
has changed.

Is changin'.

Guess it just took me awhile.

Awhile?

Too long, okay? I wanna
make up for lost time.

Can we?

Can we go back to the way
it was when we were little?

We used to play
dress-up together.

Well, what size dress are you?

Oh, I love you.

I love you.

I love you too, Latrelle.
Good Lord.

That's good.

Thank you, Ty. Y'all
just sit down anywhere.

Now you did some remodelin'.

I did, now I can watch my shows

while I'm eatin' and cookin'.

Oh, he is black.

I prefer hot chocolate mocha.

Then tea, of course.

Has hot chocolate mocha
replaced African-American?

No, I'm just bein' silly.

And I'm a guessing this
pretty lady must be Noleta.

Why, hey, thank
you, yes, Noleta.

I'm white, can't even tan,
and I'm in love too, I think.

But it's not the gay
love. Can't go there.

Sometimes I think it'd be
easier, less complicated,

but I am attracted to black men.

Ow, uh, African-American
men. That's right too.

"Black" works. I've
never been African.

Well, I sure am
excited about your

one white and one mixed twin.

Uh, we prefer biracial.

Biracial. Oh, Lord,
I cannot keep up.

Oh, girl, you been busy.

I try, do my best.

And that's what matters.

I believe the intention is
more important than the words.

All good to know,
but we gotta get organized

for the anti-equality
revival tonight.

We gotta get busy,

because shit is about
to hit the fan.

Would you lead us
in an open word of prayer?

Well, of course, ladies.

Let the church house he packed
to the rafters, uh, Lord.

Yes, Lord.

Let sinners come
in that front door.

What's goin' on here?

Juanita, hun, we're right
in the middle of our final

anti-equality committee meeting.

That doesn't sound right.

Well, it is.

Now we would just love
for you to join us tonight,

if you would.

I have a conflict.
There's somethin' goin' on

real important over at that
bar that I sometimes frequent

uh, called, uh, I forget.

Bubba's?

That would be the one.

Might as well be called
the den of inequity.

I think that one's
over in New Orleans.

Hey, big'un, a pack of my
cigarettes and these Cheetos.

The name is Vera.
Vera Lisso, not big'un.

We've been through this
a few hundred times.

Big'un suits you better.

The bass people make
a cheese out of raw milk

that is aged in a cave
for four or five months.

How do you know that, Juanita?

I forget.

Keep the change, hig'un.

It's two pennies.

All yours.

And it's ripened with mold,

and they scrape the mold
off before you eat it.

And that's where
the bass people lost me.

The gates are down,
and the lights are flashing,

but the train is not coming.

♪ Will the circle he unbroken?

♪ By and by, Lord
By and by

Hurry up, Latrelle,
they've already started.

♪ All the waitin'
In the sky Lord

Come on, Noleta.

Is it straight?

Yes, now behave yourself.

♪ By and by, Lord

♪ By and by

Look who's here.

♪ There's a better

♪ Home awaiting

♪ In the sky, Lord

♪ In the sky

Yes, brothers and sisters,
let's keep our circle

from being broken by
sodomite sinners, amen.

Yes, and please forgive
our appearance today,

because Roger, an avowed
homosexual, has decided

not to fix anybody's hair who
believes in this good book.

Amen.

Are y'all ready for some

good old-fashioned preachin'?

Amen.

Please welcome to Southside
Baptist our new pastor,

Jimmy Ray Brewton.

Roger?

Ty?

Roger, this is my husband, Kyle.

Nice to meet you, Roger.

And you. Lord, these
people are not gonna know

whether to be racist
or homophobic.

Did I miss anything?

Nothin' you haven't heard a
hundred million times before.

But that preacher
is hot as fuck.

Thou shalt not lie with
mankind as with womankind.

It is an abomination.

- Amen.
- Amen, brother.

You know, Satan was the
first to ask for equal rights.

Yeah, that's right.

Flip over to Isaiah 14:14,
where Lucifer proclaims,

"I will he like the most high."

Wanted to be equal with God.

But Satan never gut his
equal rights, did he?

No, no, he fell down
to the bowels of hell.

Just like the gays will.

I used to love this church.

You know they're not
all like this anymore.

You can't swing
a cat in this town

without hittin' a bigot.

I remember, but you know,
hearts and minds are changin'.

But, hey, these bigots actually
inspired me to do what I do.

I work for Faith in America,
and we try to help people

work through the damage,
and to prove to them that

God includes us too.

They question the creation,
you question the creator.

Lots of affirmin' churches
poppin' up everywhere.

My mama's the pastor
of one over in Phoenix.

Lucky you.

You put a face on gay, Roger.

When I was a little boy,
I used to sit and

watch Roger do Mama, and Aunt
LaVonda, and Aunt Sissy's hair,

and I used to pretend that
I was Roger from Avila.

I ratted my dull Suzy Q's
hair until she was bald.

You inspired me to
accept all of me, so...

thank you.

You don't know what
that means to me.

Oh, we better get in there.
Mama's about to explode.

Are you comin'?

Oh, hell no. I can hear the
hate just fine from out here.

Always the
best option for our lives.

Thank y'all.

Oh, that was my
mama's favorite hymn.

Oh, that was just
beautiful, Wardell.

You know, Vonnie, last night
was really special for me.

Me too.

That's it.

D.W., don't
you even think about it.

- Hey, you son of a bitch!
- What the hell?

Oh, hi, S.W., I didn't
see you standing there.

Get your goddamn white
trash hands off a her.

You're the white trash
and you have no claim to me.

Our D-I-V-0-R-C-E became
final 17 years ago.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Wardell, do somethin'. They're
ruinin' my mama's tribute.

They're fightin'
over me, LaVonda.

Oh, they're fightin' over me.

Oh, you're goin' down, asshole.

It's on you son of a hitch.

Go on, knock his
teeth out, G.W.

Now.

- Not a damn thing.
- Come on, kick his ass!

I lost my leg!

I got you.
Come here, come here.

Gotta get that pyromaniac
tramp with my leg.

She ain't no tramp. Give me
back my crutches right now.

You give me back...

Y'all ought to he
ashamed of yourselves.

We are tryin' to honor the life
of a good woman here today,

and y'all are ruinin' it!

Noleta you came in here
just seekin' trouble.

Now you get outta my bar,
get yourself a room

at the Galaxy Motel.

And G.W., stop this
damn nonsense.

You forfeited every right you
had in your marriage to Noleta.

Peggy was the one
you really loved, buddy.

You loved Peggy.

I know.

Now let's show her
that tonight, huh?

Okay.-

I'm sorry, Wardell.

LaVonda, Hardy will
give me a ride home.

I'm sure he will.

Now put your leg back on.

You see, the Supreme Court
is not the supreme being.

And I thank the
Good Lord for Texas.

And I talked to Gail Wade,
our county clerk, today,

and Tinky Walker,
our Justice of the Peace,

who's sittin' right back
there, y'all stand up.

Good Christian warriors.

They have assured me

that exercising their
religious freedom

will no longer allow
same-sex couples

to get married in
Runnels County.

And you know what that means.

Gays can't get
married in the church.

Whoa-hoe!

Gays can't get married
in the courthouse.

No place to get married,
nobody to marry them.

We have shut out the
sodomites, those pedophiles

will nu longer persecute
goad God-fearing Christians.

And tonight I proclaim
that Runnels County

be a sanctuary county,
free of gay marriage,

we have stopped equality.

Oh, no, you haven't.

Sister, do you have
somethin' to say?

Oh, yes, brother.
I have plenty to say.

Well, all right, let's hear what
the good sister has to say.

Came on, Sissy, grab your Bible.

I got it.

My son is gay.

And, um,
my sweet Aunt Sissy here

has been doin'
research on his behalf.

Read the Bible
from cover to cover.

Sissy, what does Jesus
say about homosexuality?

Not one blessed word.

- That is not true.
- Yes, it is.

First Corinthians.

That was Paul, not Jesus.

If you have a degree in
theology, get it right.

Jesus said nothing.

Nothing.

Do you believe in all the Bible?

Of course we do.

Then why do you eat bacon?

Deuteronomy 14:8.

"And the swine, it is
unclean unto you.

You shall not eat their flesh."

The Bible says to all
of us who eat bacon

and pig's feet,

and pork chops,

and Dorito sausage casserole,
that eatin' pork is wrong.

But bacon is good,
and we eat it 'cause

this scripture don't
make a lick of sense.

That's the Old Testament,
Jesus gave us the new law.

That includes me
gettin' to eat bacon.

Yet Vera, you were
the first to scream amen

when the pastor read
from the Old Testament,

"Thou shalt not lie with
mankind as with womankind,

it is an abomination."

I've never lied
with a woman once

the way I lie with you, babe.

- Stop.
- And the New Testament

certainly tells
women to be silent.

And Vera, Mrs. Barnes,

Hortense,

y'all never shut up.

And Tinky, Gail,

y'all issued three of
my five wedding licenses,

and adultery is riddled
all over both testaments,

and says that adulterers
should be stoned to death.

I demand that you
sit down right now

and stop hijackin' this
service with your own agenda,

in support for this deviant,
perverted behavior.

I am not done.

And unless you want a
scene that involves kickin'

and screamin' and scratchin'

and clawin' out some eyeballs,
and takin' that Bible

and heatin' you with it the
way you beat people with it,

then I would advise you
to back off and regroup

until I am done.

Go, Latrelle.

Latrelle's not
normally this violent

but you have set her off,
so just...

Sissy, please read the scripture

that I have chosen
for my sermon.

"John 4:7.

"Dear friends,

let us love one another."

That's all.

Simple.

Just love.

Says it all, doesn't it?

My son TY.

And his husband, Kyle,

have now gotten married in
every state except Texas.

Gay activists, they're
called. They did it

as a publicity thing for Ty's
job, which helps the gays.

And we taught our son to
fight for what is right.

And I'm ashamed to say that
I always found a reason

not to attend their
weddings. And I'm sorry, Ty.

Kyle, truly sorry.

I guess because, deep down,

just went against
everything that I's taught,

right here in Southside Baptist.

But then somethin' happened
that changed my heart.

Ty and Kyle,

they're gonna be daddies.

And you, Reverend Brewton,
just preached that gays

should not he parents,
that they are pedophiles.

That is the truth.

Liar! It is so far from it.

I know my boy.
He is not that.

He is not capable.

He has a good heart, pure.

And you know him too.

And I know you love him.

All those sermons
like this one tonight,

callin' my beautiful son
and his beautiful husband

pedophiles, abominations,

sinners, well,

those sermons are wrong.

I preach the word of God.

No, you cherry-pick
what serves your agenda.

Sissy has proven that tonight.

And we must stop

villainizing our own children.

Tellin' them that they are
not worthy of God's love,

because they are.

Just as they are.

And right now, just down
the street at Bubba's bar,

they are celebratin'
the life of my mama...

who did not die from a tumor
that was pressin' against

the sexual part of her
brain. I lied, okay?

A real sin,
to cover up the truth.

But no more cover-ups.

My son...

is gay.

And I am proud of him.

All of him.

And so I would like to turn
my mama's celebration of life

into a celebration of love,
and end this hateful night

led by this hateful person.

So, I invite all of
you to come with me and

with my Aunt Sissy, and
with my son and son-in-law,

and my brother, Brother Boy.

Well, I guess y'all didn't
think I was gonna make it,

did you, bigots?

Come on, Latrelle,
I got a show to do.

Ladies and
gentlemen, please help me

welcome to the stage the
first lady of country music,

Miss Tammy Wynette.

♪ He said
"Hold on, Patricia"

♪ I only tried to kiss you

♪ She said, "Okay," but then
Said, "Don't you dare"

♪ She seems so badly shaken

♪ He thought he was mistaken

♪ But it sure looked like
She bowed her head in prayer

Hey, Vonnie, I gotta
get back to the bar.

- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See you, sweetie.

♪ But I'm a woman too

♪ If you are listenin', Lord
Please show me what to do

♪ I'm tryin' hard to be
What Mama says is good

♪ As I slip into
My womanhood

What's he doin'?

Oh, it's his new act.
It's called

"We Three Queens of Opry Are."

I gotta get these boots off.

Fix my wig.

Is he... is he
bringin' back Loretta?

He sure is. Sing
it Loretta, whoa!

Big cabbage.

Sissy Spacek, eat
your heart out.

♪ You've come to
Tell me something

- Thank you, Loretta.
- ♪ You say I ought to know

Oh, this brings
back memories, don't it?

♪ And I'll have to let it go

♪ You say you're
Gonna take him

I want you to meet my wife.

And I would like you
to meet my husband.

I'm Kyle.

Hello, Kyle.

♪ Women like you
They're a dime a dozen

♪ You can buy them anywhere

♪ For you to get to him
I'd have to move over

♪ And I'm gonna
Stand right here

♪ It'll he over my dead body

♪ So get out while you can

♪ 'Cause you ain't woman
Enough to take my man

Ah, great...

If I had these titties,
I'd rule the world.

Is that who I think it is?

Yes, yes, it's Dolly!

Look at them titties!
Oh, my word!

♪ Now a man will
Take a good girl

♪ And he'll ruin
Her reputation

♪ But when he wants to marry

♪ Well, that's a
Different situation

♪ He'll just walk
Off and leave her

♪ To do the best she can

♪ While he looks
For an angel

I am so confused.

♪ To wear his wedding hand

♪ Now I know that
I'm no angel

♪ If that's what you
thought you'd found

Latrelle, Latrelle, come here.

♪ I was just
The victim of...

Latrelle, Latrelle, come here.

Get me one.

Tip him, put it down his
bosom. Come on, come on.

Take that dollar,
put it down his bosom.

Oh, now get off.

♪ My mistakes are
No worse than yours

♪ Just because I'm a woman

♪ Now my mistakes are
No worse than yours

♪ Just because I'm a woman

You were so great.
Mwah, mwah.

You were amazing.

- Look at them titties.
- I'm amazed.

- Really?
- Really.

Just amazing.

Oh, my.

Real good.

I don't wanna steal
the bride's thunder.

Is my hair too big?

Too big?
What does that even mean?

Oh!

Oh, stop that!

But not anytime soon.

I feel like Big Bird.

I think this one
can be repeated.

What is she doing?

Looks like she's
taken it upon herself

to be the flower girl.

Oh, she's ruining the wedding.

What are you doing?

Seriously.

Scoot over, sug.

Ah, what the fuck?

The royal family is falling
apart because of inbreeding.

Stand.

Oh, pinch me, so I'll know
this is really happening.

Ouch!

Yeah, it's really happening.

You found love, Bubba.

Yeah.

Surprise, everybody. It's
gonna be a double wedding.

Runnels County is now
a sanctuary of love,

and we are havin' our
first gay wedding.

Fuck yeah!

Is everybody here white?

Ves, Mama. Please.

Well,

we are here to celebrate love.

Now, who in their right mind
would have ever thought

that we could have such
a beautiful wedding

for such wonderful
couples right here,

in the state of Texas?

AMEN?

Amen.

First Corinthians 13 says,

"Love is patient."

And I think that scripture

fits these two couples.

How can anybody look upon
these units and question love?

If you are here,
and you can't see the love

that's goin' on in here,
somethin's wrong with you. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

I don't say "do not speak."

I don't say, "forever
hold your peace."

I say get up,

get your ass out of here.

Mama...

You need tn leave.
You need to go now. Get out!

Now I think we're all right.
Everybody's good here.

That's not to say there are
not assholes out there.

- I warned 'em.
- No, they're there.

Hey, this is my
kind of preachin'.

But it's the truth,
it's the truth.

Bigots, folks who wanna tell
you how to live your lives.

But I want you son,
to live your life

with the beautiful man you love.

And I want the two of you...
What's your name again, girl?

- LaVonda.
- LaVonda.

That's a very black name.
And what's your name?

I'm Wardell.

Two of 'em, thank you.

And the two of you,
we want you to live

in the love that you've
been holdin' for each other

fur such a lung time.
It's manifesting.

Because love is here.

'Cause it's nobody's business,
tellin' you who to love.

How to love, nobody.

I wanna welcome you, Ty,

and you and your
crazy kind of family,

I love 'em but they're
a little different.

- Yeah.
- They're a little different.

But you know what?

We're celebratin' differences.

We gonna celebrate
the differences,

'cause that's what life is.

That's what love is.

Now, who wants to go first
when it comes to the vows?

Well, since this
is our 50th time,

I think we'll just make ours
short and sweet.

In my home state of Texas,

I take you, Kyle Coleman,

to be my lawfully
wedded husband, again.

Ditto.

All right, all right.

Princess Diana would approve.

LaVonda and Wardell.

Wardell, do you take LaVonda

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

- Look at him grinnin'.
- Yeah.

And Miss LaVonda, do you"?

You could just skip
all that other bullshit.

Mm-hm.

'Cause I do too.

Darn that, by the powers
vested in me, I pronounce you

husband and husband,
and husband and wife.

You may kiss your
respective loved ones.

- Yes!
- Amen.

Can y'all fuckin' believe it?

♪ Ain't it a bitch

♪ Sonia' out our
Sordid lives

♪ It's a bitch

♪ When you come to realize

♪ Get yourself a box
Of Cracker Jacks

♪ And then you get a
Really shitty prize

♪ It's a bitch

♪ Sortin' out
Our sorry little

♪ Sordid fives

♪ Moving past the signpost

♪ Of this tiny
Weathered town

♪ The tears welled up
So high inside

♪ I thought that
I might drown

♪ Everything is different

♪ But it all looks the same

♪ And now you're here
Beside me

♪ And I'm rid of
Al! my shame

♪ I just hope that
They will see

♪ What has always been in me

♪ How much do I love you?

♪ Will they understand

♪ Everything it look for us

♪ To get those wedding bands?

♪ The road ain't
Always pretty

♪ And home sometimes
Seems far

♪ With twists and turns
And lessons learned

♪ Growing pains and scars

♪ But it's time
For me to say

♪ This is who we are

♪ When I was a small bay

♪ I never thought there'd be

♪ That perfect happy ending

♪ For anyone like me

♪ I could read the signals

♪ The fake smiles and
The bless his heart's

♪ And I still hear
The whispered words

♪ That said I'd
Never be a part

♪ New! want them all to see

♪ The strength of you and me

♪ How much do I love you?

♪ Will they understand

♪ Everything it means for us

♪ To have those
Wedding bands?

♪ The road ain't
Always pretty

♪ And home sometimes
Seems far

♪ With twists and turns
And lessons learned

♪ Growing pains and scars

♪ But it's time
For me to say

♪ This is who we are

♪ The day I stood before
You and I made that vow

♪ It wasn't just a promise
For the here and now

♪ The rings are inst the
Start of all that we can be

♪ And I want the world to see

♪ Because

♪ That's how much
I love you...

What'd I miss?