Original subtitles

[Music]

hit the road Jack and don't you come

back don't want no more no more hit the

road Jack don't you come back don't what

to say in the road Jack don't you come

back no more no more no more no more hit

the road Jack don't you come back no

more

[Music]

I really believe that divorce doesn't

have to be ugly I mean we obviously

loved each other at one point and I

don't see why we can't remain friends it

would be hard not to be friends with a

terrific girl like you hmm

I'll call you later okay hey mom

what you doing saying goodbye to my

lawyer can't you at least have milk with

that it's nuclear for me hey Ryan I have

something for you

turn around you like that that's how it

feels when someone leaves the toilet

seat up and you fall in oh now come on

kids you know the rules shut up until

you go to sleep oh that must be your

father right on time just one sec the

sprinklers go off I'm sorry but don't

worry it's just water yeah that's okay

oh by the way I've picked up your

cleaning don't worry it's just water and

some mud cuz I was surprised by the

sprinklers I dropped it in a puddle

after I took the cellophane off

where you been your mom kicked me out

two weeks ago no kidding

oh well see you hi baby

you knew I was gone didn't you yeah

daddy I'm so self-absorbed I didn't even

know you were here now no you're looking

kind of good

why didn't have a lose way to look good

for me just didn't seem worth the effort

I think we should keep working on the

details of the divorce hi guys

don't worry it's just ex daddy you know

I do think it was a good idea you had

didn't either one of us should get a

lawyer Oh getting involved with lawyers

that's just us now let's address the

specific provisions of the marital

settlement agreement relating to section

44 paragraph 2 the California marital

community property code God if I didn't

know any better I'd think you were

sleeping with a lawyer who was

what are we laughing about god I don't

know we just have fun together sign the

divorce agreement if it turns out she

gave me too much you know I'll give it

back to you yeah one thing about you I

trust you totally how come your dental

bills are mixed in with the kids because

I was trying to cheat you don't get that

one let me figure a couple of things

let's see I make $40,000 a year so you

figure mortgage taxes the kids you that

leaves me with $8,000 a year after rent

that's like 40 bucks a week that's 30

bucks a day swimming across the Rio

Grande to get away from 5 bucks a day

I need a drink Jax no that's not the

answer

Jenny do you know where my purple pills

are no ma oh well red and blue that

makes purple

you I forgot to tell you mom moved in to

help out with the kids and keep me from

getting too bitter you unworthy prostate

of a man I spit on you the church it's

on you the Lord spits on you

hi mrs. Slattery it's mom that's another

thing I've always hated about Julian you

never called me mom I'd like to tear you

limb from limb okay baby let's go for

long time maybe you better lie down for

20 minutes and I'll loosen eight while

you listen to the big band this ain't

over Punk you just can't be nice to her

can you now you know she has five

doctors and a team of pharmacists

working around the clock and still she

won't die

certainly no fun trying to cheat you out

of money if you're gonna be in a mood

like this we'll talk about the divorce

tomorrow now in the meantime I packed up

a few of your things your pillow your

blue quilt which forced me to have a

blue bedroom which prevented me from

enjoying even one moment in my own home

a fork a knife and your orange juice

glass

I don't want anybody saying I wasn't

fair by hey wait a second what about my

jacket

what jacket buy my leather jacket I've

had ever since I was 17 until that night

you got cold and I lent it to you lent

it but you then put on your side of the

closet and I was never allowed to wear

again if I took something of yours I'd

give it back what about my virginity

check with somebody else baby

do you really hate migrants as you do

[Laughter]

scrimmages likes to talk we both know

that she's just a pill-popping

whacked-out old weaves bagging Chisholm

eatery real harm tonight I want you kids

to come over and see my new place

daddy I want you this year not lonely

mr. floppy you want me to have mr.

floppy oh gee we had some fine times

together you and me and mr. floppy you

know he's gonna help me sell some cars

yes the bunny's gonna turn the odometer

spend matter that would be illegal

we got gremlins coming in there at night

that do that I wanna see the gremlins

daddy well son only grandma can see the

gremlins oh he's cute yeah

oh go ahead you should give him a tumble

a sex is cool all the kids are doing it

well not me I'm not caving in to peer

pressure I choose to save my virginity

for some wrinkled old wheeze bag like a

ton of money in a month to live I'm not

giving it away there's going to be a

major entry fee then why bother dressing

like that because I love the power I

can't believe this no one wants to go

out with me is every girl in the school

lesbian

Katie Lisa

great producing a nation of gym teachers

it's me

well hi okay sure

okay bye that was mom she's dropping us

off at dad's new place tonight your

dad's place your parents broke up hey

everybody the Malloys are breaking up Oh

children of divorced parents come on

over welcome to new members

[Laughter]

he's the best thing that can happen to

any kid now your parents have to compete

for your love and they don't know how to

do that so that means buying you things

are you get two sets of presents for

Christmas and birthdays and things maybe

even four if they each get a boyfriend

or girlfriend and the best part for you

is when you fail it's not because you're

stupid you're the product of a broken

home

someone stole a midterm exam off my desk

I know it was you sorry the product of a

broken home

[Applause]

nice huh and quiet too cuz I heard the

immigration department did a sweep

yesterday so she's gonna be my company

here huh yeah and it is great hey ever

tell you I used to box Golden Gloves oh

yeah I put them up what watch your left

oh man just think this is just the

middle of my life the end should be

really good

Jack you're a loser huh I said a loser

what part of that didn't you understand

so you're talking mr. floppy it didn't

take me long to lose my mind you didn't

just say something right okay I'm just

not gonna talk to you I think that might

be the best way to handle this

after all I'm a grown man I'm not gonna

sit here and talk to a bunny why do you

think I'm a loser mr. floppy thank God

for a minute I thought I really was

going nuts talking I was truly

well don't they're very jumpy alright I

think I'm starting to understand this

you're kind of my my alter-ego don't get

too deep with this I'm just a talking

bunny hi guys great to see ya

I'll tell you what the kids home you

know you could bring them home a little

late tonight but mom you said we're just

coming for a second everybody suffers in

a divorce well dad we get for the night

what are we gonna do because I'm bored

I'm bored I'm bored well you won't be

for long it's like a wonderland here

maybe we should take a little easy with

mr. floppy hair Ross remember when you

used to tell me how mr. floppy used to

talk to you well he really did talk to

you didn't he uh no dad I may be away

for a minute it's it's kind of coming

off okay I don't need your stinking

sympathy

so how's everybody doing I'm bored I'm

bored I'm bored too I've been bored for

twenty years and nobody seems to care

but I'm the dead how did I become the

dead I used to be the kid matter of fact

people used to call me the kid yeah they

called me the kid right up until you

were born nah middle-aged they sell used

cars and you're bored well who cares

about you I'm dying here come on three

okay okay better now good dad I'm the

product of a broken home

and I wanted you charity and I want to

transfer to a private school in France

it's only twenty-five thousand dollars

so it's a cheap charity that's $25,000 -

you want to go to France

you want a car okay you know what I want

I'm gonna get to work tomorrow your

mother's father my supervisor for some

unknown reason has decided to take away

my company car so now I'm trying to

scrape together the down payment on a

moped maybe a lark you know one of those

cool motorized chairs that old people go

shopping

sure so you get what you want

don't be so unfeeling our daddy is

hurting he needs our support right now

hello oh hi amber

Oh at my dad's place well you wouldn't

wanna sit on the toilet here mr. floppy

but now be a bad time to ask about my

charkie again let's just put it this way

you will get your Jeep Cherokee before

your sister goes to France she really

believes you're gonna send her yeah she

sure is stupid listen did you find out

where your mom keeps my old leather

jacket while she's up tonight I'd kind

of like to get it back well gee I don't

know dad I mean if I told you that he

kind of be like I was taking sides oh

well excuse me mr. Switzerland mr.

neutral mister sure mr. Nazi will

protect your money fine you go put holes

in your cheese while the world burns you

your food cake your baby boy all

right

[Applause]

you know I love my jacket still fetch to

God you're one deluded schizophrenic do

you want some advice

Ron change your name move to the Ozarks

sell you sheep have a daughter and

merrier

the important part is Ron I never ran

from anything in my life except for cops

and really big guys but never from

responsibility except that girl that

thought she was pregnant wonder whatever

happened to her anyway I'm not running

now I'm gonna stay here and take care of

my wife and kids blah blah blah blah

blah full house your wife's a shrew and

if you think your kids love you they

don't believe me I was there you know

there's a nice big can down by the bus

stop says toys for Honduras how'd you

like to wake up there do what if you got

the guts

maybe this divorce was my fault I can't

even get along with a stuffed bunny oh

is it me watch me give her a hard time

who is me

drop dead I'm leaving okay Punk what are

you doing here oh this place is charming

the condemned notice outside doesn't

begin to describe the beirut like

squalor which is your new home

yeah what does it matter you're gonna be

alone your whole life what did you do

get your period and rush right over

it's not due for two days and we both

know I don't get PMS you do know that

don't you

besides it has nothing to do with that

it's just that every month you just

happen to do something real annoying

right before my period I guess

[Applause]

do you know what I really hate about you

that I can't sleep without you oh so you

miss me huh get real I just had a bad

date he took me out to eat the check

came he touched my thigh and said you

had the Big Mac value meal give me three

bucks we'll call it even

and we went back to his place where he

wept because his mother used to beat him

when he was five said he needed a hug I

hugged him and he started crying

hug me spank me hug me thank God he was

gross I spanked him and got the hell out

of there

well as wretched as you are at least you

never cried that's cause you never

spanked me I'd be happy to beat the hell

out of you right now I'm going to sleep

don't touch me well I guess this is kind

of good for me because if all guys are

like that guy I should do pretty good

out there oh please don't begin to

compare yourself to him this man was a

mailman with his own car what happened

to us we went on vacation to Hawaii

there first one without the kids

I got to talk to each other and realize

that every single thing you'd do or

think or say makes me sick

[Laughter]

didn't you ever like anything about me

yeah your legs that's it nothing else

nothing about my essence everything that

makes me me no just your legs maybe your

tushie you're a pig but every once in a

while you need a good

don't do it don't do it want me to make

you suffer Oh daddy okay people fitting

notes to me get a bulletin board for

God's sake and an Airwick and a picture

on the wall something tropical great now

I'm gonna be bunny whipped

[Laughter]

Jack it was cold so I took your jacket

and two bucks for gas just like you used

to squeeze out of me when we were dating

oh well didn't fit me anymore any huh

god you're a loser she got the house the

car your money in your manhood why are

you smiling

cuz she got the kids

[Laughter]

you're unhappy ever after your show is a

cheap ripoff of Taming of the Shrew bill

w Secaucus New Jersey bill you're an

idiot we bear no resemblance to

Shakespeare we are in English his plays

are filled with sexual innuendo and

codpieces

we have no codpieces send your

letter to PBS you fool

hey get to work

[Laughter]

[Music]