Original subtitles

Agent Chestnut, Federal Trade Commision interview.

Please, state your full name.

Patrick Fitzpatrick.

Mister Fitzpatrick,

were you aware of the financial difficulties

at Rose's Manure?

No.

Really?

Because by all accounts and sales records,

Mr. Rose considered you his number two,

and you want me to believe Mr. Rose never mentioned it.

Never.

Well...

You will not be allowed to operate or sell anything

until I have completed my investigation.

And just like that, my life was in the crapper.

With a flick of that recording device,

the flush heard around the country

my career and indeed my heart

all went right down the toilet.

Sure, I've been here before. I was a bullshitter.

I just didn't know how deep I'd stepped in it.

Some men find themselves a manure

and some men find themselves in manure.

I, unfortunately, got caught up

in somebody else's crap.

And how did I end up here?

I followed the smell.

Wet.

Sticky.

Cake.

Moist.

Crumbly.

Dry. Dry-crumbly. And ashed.

You see, the texture, and the weight, and the scent,

tells you everything you need to know.

Take a look at this, sir.

Cow, horse, sheep, chicken,

is our first row.

Here in our second row we have

exotic manures.

These are more potent manures.

I'm about to tell you something.

It's gonna rototill your world.

Mr. Rose's signature mixture.

Or as we like to call it,

The Big Cat.

Take a whiff.

Now how do you like the smell on that pooter.

Ain't it wonderful?

Th-the o-odor is very-very distinct.

Th-th-think of it as...

c-co-coffee.

As you can tell, have a very

complex digestive system.

Here we go.

Smell the roses.

There's no company in the lower 48, between you and me,

that sells a better, more vast selection of quality fertilizer

than Rose's Manure.

We put the promise in your land.

Lord knows it needs it.

You know, smart customers like yourself

that make Rose's Manure

number one in the number two business?

We appreciate it.

Alright, let's give it a try.

OK, sir, you won't regret it.

It's a deal.

I told you I was full of crap.

Horse shit, even bear shit, you name it, I pushed it.

All part and parcel of what makes Rose's manure so damn good.

But I didn't peddle the poo alone, no, sir.

I was just a foot soldier with the finest group

of salesmen I ever had the privilege to know.

- So, any luck today, anybody? - Yeah, sold some Big Cat.

Did you get the 25% deposit?

Oh, yeah.

It's in the car.

I was talking to this one farmer.

All of a sudden,

at about 10 feet away from us, couple of cows going at it,

not shy about it, at all. That's where they live!

I was in his pasture, but, he still could have showed some decorum.

You're more full of shit than my sample case.

Hello?

Mr. Rose's was working.

Oh, hi, Agnes. And I had to take… what Rose's' selling

You know he doesn't want anyone in his office, but I went in anyway.

And Mr. Rose gets a look at me and falls dead.

Bye. And it smells in here…

They need us back at headquarters.

Wh-wh-what'd she say?

Manure's hit the fan.

We're gathered here today,

to lay to rest our beloved boss.

Mr. Rose cared about each one of us.

Mr. Rose knew, The American Dream must start at the bottom.

He was a man among manure.

A man who lived by his many sayings.

"Sometimes you have to step in it,

"to learn how to avoid it."

and "It's better to understand a little,

"than to misunderstand a lot."

The saying that is most dear to my heart is the one Mr. Rose said the day he hired me.

"Our sight is farther than what we can see,

"our hearing is better than what we can hear,

"and our scent,

"stronger than what we can smell."

Now that Mr. Rose is gone, we can all be assured,

that the grass will be richer on the other side.

H-How you're doing, P-Pa-Patrick ?

Ah-Are you OK?

Yeah.

You-You're the b-boss now.

A drink.

To the new boss!

But who could have known, that at that very minute,

a crap storm of monumental magnitude was brewing on the streets of Manhattan

and it was getting ready to blow our way?

The surprise to us all was that Mr. Rose had a daughter.

Rosemary Rose. Sole heir to the Rose's Manure empire.

I wasn't the new boss.

Shit!

She was.

Good morning.

Morning.

My name is Rosemary Rose.

Who is that?

I'm the new owner of Rose's Manure.

It's a wife ?

I need time to evaluate the

company's history, it's past performances and current financial situation.

Also, I'll be meeting with each one of you individually this afternoon to assess

your personal history with the company.

May I just say that some of you may not have a future. Thank you so much.

Who the hell is that?

A nightmare.

How'd you like the boys?

Oh, my gosh!

Do they stink!

You did great!

The salesmen are waiting.

I inherited manure!

He left me with shit, Agnes. Well...

In actuality he left me two million dollars in debt.

It's good to see you, Rosemary.

Is this why he put me through the University of Brown of South-East Baton Rouge,

so that I could bail him out?

I run the best cosmetics counter

in the biggest department store in The New York City, Agnes.

I understand your anger, dear.

We all loved Mr. Rose.

He knew that I didn't want anything to do with this business.

I can't even sell it, you know.

I would have to pay somebody to buy it.

Stop!

Now young Rose can't sell the farm, as it were,

because her old man racked up a crap load of debt

and she has to dig herself out of it first.

Damn, that's the fourth one of us she's fired in the last hour.

Cleveland,

Miss Rose will see you now.

She thinks the best way to do that, is to cut the fat.

Holy crap!

Mr. Clod, I'm conducting employee eveluations

to give me a better understanding

of Rose's Manure's assets and liabilities.

Once completed, I will be able to determine your value

to the company, is that understood?

Do you have any questions ?

No, ma'am.

I've counted sixty two separate complaints.

Well, you can call that sixty two satisfied housewives.

You know what?

Just a simple nod, I think will make this a lot less panful,

for us both.

A Bachelor's in chemistry,

Master's degree in physics?

Yes, ma'am.

May I ask why you're working at Rose's Manure?

My professors repeatedly told me that I had excrement for brains.

After 17 years, I finally got into Mr. Rose's office.

What was the old recluse up to, anyway?

Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Please, come in.

Please, have a seat.

Now, this isn't a test you can either pass or fail.

Why don't we start with your personal history,

and then we will follow through to the employment history. OK.

You served in the Armed Forces from 1940 to 1946.

Your deployment was Baker Island? What is Baker Island?

It's an isolated piece of land completely surrounded by water.

Thank you.

Once discharged, you were employed by Rose's Manure and have been an employee for 17 years.

You've sold over ten thousand tons of manure.

And have been honored with 15 Golden Spade awards for the highest sales.

Is that correct, Mr. Fitzpatrick ? Do you wanna sit down?

- I wonder what your father was up to here. - Frankly, I don't know and I don't care.

I mean, look at this place! There's a lion!

Can we please get back to this, Mr. Fitzpatrick, if you don't mind.

Your sales graph here,

shows a thirty five percent

decline in sales after your first ten years at the company.

I got married.

And that's followed by

sharp, significant rise in sales

four years later.

Divorce.

Well, that was quite profitable for the company.

Yeah, well, it takes a special lady to understand a man who smells like manure most of the time.

Just because you sell it, doesn't mean you need to look and smell like it.

- What are you implying? - That Mr. Rose hired a bunch of misfits.

And I am going to clean this business up.

Don't bury this company under your personal bullshit.

It manufactures plenty of its own.

OK?

Did she fire you as well?

I'm not gonna deal with a disgruntled daughter.

I'm sorry. She was the last person I thought would show up.

You're just like your father.

- He would never leave his office. - Oh, please, Agnes.

God forbid I'm here late because of him.

The company's broke. It's worth nothing.

- I mean, what the hell was he up to? - Mr. Rose...

No, Agnes, please! I really don't care to know why he was filming shit.

Agnes...

You ever heard of Nelly The Nose ?

The name on the account is "Nostrildamus".

We owe this guy a tremendous amount of money, I mean...

Never heard of such account.

Oh, my God! You don't suppose it's Mob related, do you?

I don't know, dear.

Oh, God! We're gonna die under this debt!

Alright, Agnes.

Just help me out here.

At full production, Rose's Manure produces 20 tons of manure a day, right?

Perhaps on a good day, yes.

Well, then that means that

we would have to move at least fifteen of it

in order just to break even! How? How could we move that much shit?

Patrick Fitzpatrick.

He was the best bullshitter Rose's had.

He could move mountains of manure in spades.

Agent Chestnut. Federal Trade Commission.

Audio log file No.1.

My preliminary investigation into Rose's Manure

reveals, this case stinks.

Mr. Rose, the manure magnate was an enigma.

To quote his daughter: "He's full of it."

And although in debt to the tune of two million dollars,

in the right hands, that manure factory could be a goldmine.

A motive for murder?

You betcha!

Come in!

May I help you?

Madame Rose, please.

May I tell her who's here?

Nelly, Ze Nose.

- He's here! - Agnes!

- God, who's here? - Nelly The Nose.

- Oh, no! - Oh, yes!

- Tell him I'm not the Rose he's looking for! - He said: "A Rose is a Rose."

Tell him I'm not here.

- You are here. - I won't be.

So she has been expecting me, yes? Miss Rose will see me now?

Miss Rose will be with you shortly.

Won't you, please, sit down.

There is a problem, no?

I can wait all day.

Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Hello!

Oh, just bullshit the bullshitter.

Mr. Fitzpatrick, I would like to apologize.

That was…

irresponsible, and…

well, pretty dumb of me to rid the company of its most

trusted and profitable employee.

Mr. Rose kept you around for a good reason,

I know that now.

Why don't you do yourself a favor and sell the company.

That would be against Mr. Rose's wishes, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

I was hoping that…

that you would have some useful knowledge that would help me

continue to keep Rose's Manure a success.

Mr. Fitzpatrick,

I'll tell you what: You help me

keep Rose's Manure successful,

and I, in exchange, will be sure, that you are rewarded.

Handsomely.

You gona hold true to this?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I can't do these kind of numbers!

Did-uh-uh-uh did you see…

I came back for this?

If I'm calculating this correctly,

she would like us to sell 2 200 tons of manure a day.

I can't.

OK, boys.

Listen up.

You know this is not a new territory.

We already covered this territory. She doesn't know what she's talking about.

She's not your boss.

Who is your boss? Me, right?

You're looking at him.

She's gonna do this for a couple of weeks, she'll get over it,

and she'll give it to the person who should have had it to begin with.

I mean, look around, who's here? Is anybody else here? No.

It's just the five of us.

And you know why that is?

'Cause we're the best five bullshitters this company ever had.

What do you mean, Nelly, The Nose is still there?

He won't leave.

He's insistent that he sees you.

More like, he's insistent that he

sees me dead, Agnes.

Thank you.

Bye.

Pardon.

When will Madame Rose be back?

I don't know.

Oui...

I understand no one likes to face debt.

Good morning.

Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Miss Rose.

Let's go!

Miss Rose, I'd just like to say, that

a lady such as yourself, has no business on the road.

Yes, well, thank you for your consideration, Mr. Fitzpatrick,

but, this is my business.

I didn't realize this was part of the deal.

It is.

Would you like me to drive?

No, that's quite alright.

Could I ask you a question, Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Certainly.

Do you really think monkey manure is necessary?

Your father was a brilliant man.

My father was a brilliant bullshitter, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Well, in some parts of this country people took your father's monkey manure very seriously.

Spending $22 000 on a monkey that produces

under two ounces of poo a day, well, that's just not smart business.

It's decisions like that, that have prevented this company from

reaching its full potential.

Your father believed in this product. Some paid off, some didn't.

Now, remember, Mr. Fitzpatrick,

you just go about your business. I just wanna observe, take it all in.

Be a fly on a wall.

There are no walls.

You know what I mean.

Here. Take this.

What? No! Why? No!

You never know what these farmers are gonna do. They're very unstable, some of them.

No.

OK.

Suit yourself. Then you better stay here.

Nice try.

Can you tell me what you see?

Where?

This property.

How do you, you know, assess the property

when you arrive at a future customer's farm, I mean…

I don't.

Well, there's approximately a thousand acres of farmland here, and…

you have to figure a figure when you

see a property of this magnitude.

What do you do in this situation?

Smell.

What?

- What do you smell? - Wh-What? What do you smell?

What do you smell?

It smells like a farm.

Not a Rose's farm.

Morning, sir.

Patrick Fitzpatrick, I'm with Rose's Manure,

and I don't mean to bother you,

but could you tell me where I might find a gentleman named Henrick Hanover?

No, I wouldn't.

Excuse me, sir.

Miss Rose, this is not our customer.

I walked a hundred yards in the mud, look at me!

Oh, yes, I know, I apologize for that.

I'll take care of this. I'll take care of this.

OK?

Sorry, sir.

Actually, maybe you can help me out with a problem I have.

There are several tons

of really high grade manure,

about - just a few miles from here and...

to turn those trucks around

and take it back, it's gonna cost me at least twice as much, so…

There's no one, there's no shipment.

Have a good day, sir.

What did I say?

What?

How do you feel about using a deceptive sales tactic?

Well, we happen to sell a product that comes from the lowest form of function.

We don't have time to tell the truth.

Well, then… Are you teaching me how to lie?

I'm teaching you how to bullshit.

It's a bullshit business, you need to learn how.

Thank you.

Well, Patty, how's the baby sitter?

Please!

H-Ho-How long do you th-think she'll last?

Not as long as that sentence just lasted.

Heard about a chicken one time, that lasted fourty two days after his head was cut off.

Put it that way.

I don't get it.

Out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest?

Did you get that?

- The key is to be smarter than the door. - Thank you.

Good night. Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Nelly The Nose, he's here.

Agnes, what do you mean?

You try my patience, madame.

Now, I will try yours.

Hey, ding-dongs! Excuse me!

Where is Mr. Fitzpatrick?

You!

Oh, good God!

You! Mr. Shit-For-Brains, let's go!

Come on! Come on, come on!

Let's go, get your hat, your coat, let's go!

Let's go, please!

You see, the skin is what holds the potato's nutritional value.

But people don't always eat the skin, you know why?

No flavor.

Rose's gives you that flavor.

How much am I lookin' at?

Well, it won't cost the skin off your back

for your customer to enjoy the skin of the potato, I'll put it that way to you, sir.

You no good son of a...

Well, that's not good.

What do you think you're doing?

Would you excuse us for one moment?

Come here.

What the hell are you doing? It's the wrong tactic, I already got this guy.

One more stunt like that, I will flat out fire you and our deal is off.

Really? Let me tell you something, this job doesn't require beauty sleep, honey.

So you say.

- These farmers get up at the crack of dawn. - Oh, with the crow of roos… I know, I know.

You sound like a Mr. Rose saying.

Then don't make me be a cock and wake you up, OK?

He left that part out.

He left a lot of things out.

Now he just left altogether.

What does it say?

"Milagro".

Milagro, what does that mean?

It says here, it's a fertilizer company.

Where did it come from?

The hell...

Ooh, fancy!

Taste it.

It's not bad.

I've had worse.

Our fertilizer is nothing short of miraculous.

May I tug on your carrot?

Oh, yeah, you go right ahead.

Well, you see that?

That's undersized.

I can guarantee you we can increase the size of your carrot.

Really?

How would you like to add an additional…

three inches?

Three?

Three...

inches to my carrot?

- Ooh, boy, I'd like that. - We all would, son.

- Born and bred on Milagro. - Super!

Hmm, size...

does... matter.

Who do you think is out there buying all them groceries?

Women.

Feel free to touch it.

Hold it if you like.

- Feel that girth? - Oh, gosh, yes.

It is - It's got quite a girth.

It's disgusting!

- Well, that's some carrot you got there, feller! - Set it right back in there, now.

- Careful, careful. - Boy, it fits in there pretty good.

- Yeah, like a glove. - Like a glove, yessir.

That was a big carrot.

Yep.

You ever see a carrot that big?

Nope.

Does it bother you that his carrot was that big?

It was an unhealthy size.

I think it's important that we discuss the size of his carrot.

Our problem is bigger than the size of his carrot.

Yeah, we got some serious competition, boys.

Come on, you all act like you've seen the second coming of crap.

They're dropping product out of the sky.

Right, we're talking toys and rings and coloring books.

Our customers think all good things come from above.

Says here "milagro" is Spanish for "miracle".

So you just paint "milagro" on the bag and all of a sudden we can't keep up!

We use state of the art technology industrial ammonium nitrate

to ensure the vegetables have God-like potential.

The hell's that supposed to mean?

Means our manure selling days are numbered, that's what it means.

- They're darn good. - And darn fast.

It took 'em two minutes to sell what it takes us two weeks.

We can't cover that kind of ground.

What the hell are we gonna do, Patrick?

I don't see how we can meet our sales with Milagro's miracle workers, I just…

I'll figure it out.

You figure it out?

I said, "Taste it."

And he tasted it. I didn't think he'd taste it. I mean, who tastes it?

What?

Patty, we got a huge problem.

How huge?

Well, like...

State Fair, Blue Ribbon-huge.

Oh, my dear.

That's a huge problem.

Excuse me.

Are you experiencing

any pain or discomfort?

No, sir.

How about pleasure?

No.

You sure?

Do that again.

Yes!

Yeah. No, that doesn't do anything for me.

Can you tell me

anything you've eaten that could have caused this?

Milagro fertilizer.

I haven't seen knockers that big since I was four,

and I took a bath with my mentally retarded cousin.

Good Lord, Cleveland.

Were your folks saving water or something?

Is it gonna stay this way?

Not likely.

You have very swollen glands.

I would say it's an alergic reaction to poison.

But, we can fix that!

Oops, it scares me a little. I'm sorry.

Agent Chestnut. Federal Trade Commission.

As a result of the recent developments in the manure wars,

I have issued the launch of a comprehensive and all-encompassing investigation

into both parties.

Hey, Thaddeus, why don't you quit staring at my tits.

They're huge!

Well, this bun is huge, I don't see you staring at that.

D-Do they make milk?

What did he say?

Yeah, seriously, if they do, I'd love a splash in my coffee.

- Hi, Agnes. - Hi, love.

He just won't leave.

- What? - He's here again.

You have to come back this instant!

I smell shit. Boys, check your shoes.

Jimmy St. James.

Milagro fertilizer.

Look at that! Tableful of dung beetles.

I'm sorry, did you just call us "dung beetles"?

What else do you call creatures that push shit?

You give a new meaning to "selling crap".

You gotta understand something. Don't stop progress.

Cow shit has its limitations.

Just like you, fellas.

Milagro is the future.

Why don't you guys go outside and practice falling down.

We could help you.

You know, it must be tough being a maggot.

You're born in shit, you eat shit.

The most you can hope for is to become a fly.

Just buzzin' around

a horse's ass, waiting for your next meal.

How about we kick it out of ya!

You boys gotta realize, your little operation is over.

What did those guys want?

Nothin'.

OK, boys, we're gonna have to change our sales strategy.

We're gonna have to be tactical.

Now, head to head, we don't stand a chance against Milagro fertilizer.

We have to attack first.

Now, this area right here, that's what they've already conquered.

This area here, is still to be determined.

Oh, good, you're here! Take a seat.

So, Thaddeus,

you cover the northwest.

Chet,

southwest.

Pardon me, but… Can I ask what's going on here?

Just a minute. Let me finish giving the guys our missions, first, OK?

- I gotta give them their essential… - I bet you're not planning a war here.

Because this company is not gonna be responsible for any casualties.

You there, shush. You gonna be a central part of this war, OK?

- War? - Yes.

Oh, no! There's going to be no war!

You're overreacting.

- I'm overreacting? - Yeah.

You're the one in there playing army man because you were stuck on an island

and never saw combat!

Listen to me, any way you slice it, this is about land.

And as little as you think I know, most wars are about land!

You understand me?

I want no part of you playing Patton on my payroll.

I'm not playing anyone.

I'm leaving. Give me your keys!

I'm protecting our sales for your company.

And if we don't take them out, they're gonna take us out.

Give me your keys!

Cleveland, give her your car keys.

Oh, I don't know about that, now, Patty...

- Thaddeus, give her your keys! - Why?

Because I told you to!

Thank you.

There you go!

Drive safe now!

I think she's been tipping the bottle back!

You know, this would have cost you a quarter at the fairgrounds!

Do you suppose that was them?

I'd bet, yes.

You OK?

I'm OK.

But they're not gonna be.

This is war.

OK. They're exiting the diner.

He's walking up the sidewalk.

Now!

Hello, we're from Milagro fertilizer.

- Do you believe in miracles? - I do.

Well, that's our specialty.

Why don't you boys come right on in.

Open my door.

Open my damn door or you will be looking for a new line of work.

This is just shocking!

They are starting a war!

What the...

Should have been nicer to the Indians.

Why don't I just go on back there and

slip into something more... on... that'd be comfortable.

All right.

For me.

- Alright, OK, alright. - OK,OK.

Shh! Hush!

They beat us to it.

Well, OK.

We just give them this account.

We'd be losing significant ground if we give them this farm.

Diehl's farm is 2 200 acres.

No, this deal is far from over.

We can't afford to lose any more ground.

Hey, mess your suit up and your hair a little bit.

- Hey, mess your suit and hair up! - What do you mean?

Like this! God damned.

- Quit, quit, quit, quit, quit! - Come on!

Come here.

There you go, alright.

Alright, both of you keep a lid on it, alright?

Hello, ma'am.

Hello, sir.

Mr. and Mrs...

Diehl.

Mr. and Mrs. Diehl, pleasure to meet you.

The Milagro gentlemen, who were here before us,

are the most dangerous of men.

My, they are?

Did they happen to mention to you

that their product can turn ordinary produce into super vegetables?

Yeah.

They sure did.

Well, I'm here to tell you exactly what they meant by super vegetables.

Do you see the shape of his melon ?

Son, get your tongue out of your mouth.

Put your tongue out of your mouth.

Put your tongue out of your mouth!

Hate to be hard on him, but he swallows his tongue.

It's very dangerous.

The Milagro fertilizer company is selling

a product that causes birth defects.

May we come in?

- Well… OK. - Thank you ma'am, thank you, sir.

Our boy was born and bred on Milagro.

Well, since he was a baby,

he, uh...

He was always a little slow, you know.

We could tell there was something wrong, and...

His mother, Peaches, and I,

we took him to all the fancy doctors and such, but...

They just, they just keep…

poking him.

One way or the other, all tests concluded that

the ingredients in Milagro

had caused his brain to develop incorrectly or abnormally.

An enlarged brain.

And, I mean, as you can see, Tad is not with us in this moment.

- You know what I'm saying? - Yes.

I guess so.

Uh, we accept what The Lord gives us.

Well, you have to live with it!

And we know exactly who's to blame!

It's OK, it's OK. It's OK, son.

That's OK.

- I-I best cancel our order, then. - Yeah.

Mr. and Mrs. Diehl, it woul be a great help and a great honor,

if you could spread this tragic story to your neighbors.

We would love to ourselves, but we just don't have time to visit everyone.

We most certainly will.

Thank you so much.

"Peaches"?

Don't get excited.

A victory toast. To Mr. Rose.

Mr. Rose!

Mr. Rose...

- was a man among manure. - Hear, hear!

To Patrick.

Happy hunting.

You know, your father was really good to us.

Well...

there was bad and ugly to that good.

Mr. Rose cared an awful lot about you men, he just didn't care about me.

I'm sorry about that.

Don't be, I'm not.

What are you?

I'm confused.

From a...

prized scientist to a shit salesman.

Here.

It's never too late to suck on the bottle.

Amen.

Oh, God!

Close.

I would have figured you as a...

screamer.

Looks like your Mr. and Mrs. Diehl had a change of heart.

Yeah.

That little retard prank just cost our company $40 000.

Yeah, well, consider it a minimal fine for selling poison.

Such a lovely lady as yourself,

really shouldn't be smelling like this.

Don't think your shit doesn't stink.

With a financial state of your company,

consider that fourty grand down payment.

You are willing to sell?

No.

Oh, you're only bullshitting yourself if you think you can run this comany.

Your father didn't do such a very good job either.

Would you like me to get the Federal Trade Commission involved?

You don't wanna do that.

Don't make this cost you any more than it already has.

Or the lights will go out.

Permanently.

Patrick!

Patrick!

Oh, God!

No, no, I gotta come in, I gotta come in!

- What's the matter? - Bed bugs, I got big ones!

Milagro was in my room and they are really mad!

- Well, what do you expect? - I didn't expect them to be in my room!

They're gone.

Well...

What if they come back?

I'm sleeping with my baby-sitter.

Don't get too excited.

And what exactly do you think the benefits of a circular bed are?

Not quite sure.

It hasn't taken off, like the wheel.

Ohh, wee, wee.

This thing's far from over.

They went into the little lady's room.

So you guys gotta watch yourselves every step of the way now.

'Cause they're gonna retaliate.

We should get out of here.

Hey!

Mankind

always needs

usable, renewable energy.

And this is it.

That geese?

- I don't know. - Which way is south?

Oh, no!

Run for cover!

Watch out, watch out!

We're rolling out of here in 24 hours.

They have no less than a thousand men. We're outnumbered at least a hundred to one.

P-Patrick, w-we h-have to concede.

No, Early. I won't do it!

We can't defeat an army that size.

It's over, Patrick.

We'll be fine. We'll figure something out.

Mo-mo-mother of-of a-all mush-mushrooms!

How's them meals, boys?

- Very good. - Good, good.

And here you go! OK.

- How can I help you boys tonite? - What you got, sweet-cakes?

Well, you know, we got a bunch of mushrooms.

- Coming right up, you boys just sit tight. - Thank you, ma'am.

Be right back.

Something smells familiar.

Jimmy St. James is here! He's right out there!

Well, he needs to be served.

I know, I know, but I can't...

Listen, he's got his head so far up your ass he won't even know you're his waitress.

- Just serve him! - OK, OK.

Good Lord, mushrooms?

You guys are eating fungus?

Just snack on my feet!

Where is the waitress?

You wait on us, we don't wait on you.

My apologies. I'm so sorry. Now what about you, what can I get you tonight?

Well, a girl's gotta save her company.

I knew I smelled you.

What's the matter with you?

The captain has asked that you please fasten your seatbelts.

Enjoy your flight.

Send everybody!

Well, then send more! This is chemical warfare!

Oh, shit!

They're dead.

You're dead.

You're dead, dead, dead.

You make me wait for days!

I can not wait any longer!

C'est ridicule!

Now, I will find mademoiselle Rose myself.

Enchanté, madame.

Thaddeus, go get Rosemary. We gotta get a move on.

Or we're not gonna be occupied for much longer.

Miss Rose, you don't understand! He just tried to kill me!

- Hang on a second. - Just tried to kill me!

Yes?

Patrick's ready to go.

Oh, Thaddeus, you boys are gonna have to go on without me this morning.

Sure thing.

- She said go without her. - OK, let's go.

Well, do you know where The Nose went?

Where did The… I don't know where he went, he just left.

Agnes, what do you mean, "He just left".

Three days of staring at him,

and I could say that I'm not terribly sad that he left.

- If I were you, I'd hide. - Oh, damn.

That means he's - he's probably coming to - to find me!

Agnes...

Hold on a second, hold on.

Don't you understand? You're in danger, you're in danger!

You've got to do something. You have to move.

Just go!

What is that noise?

Please, talk to me! I want you to move. He's dangerous.

Please, go!

- Agnes? - Yes?

Yes?

- Agnes, I'm gonna call you back! - No! Don't stay!

How many do you count?

Twenty two carrots.

Fifteen onions.

Seventeen cauliflower.

And twenty two…

patato heads.

That's not good.

F-F-Fellas, fellas, w-w-why don't we talk about it.

Oh, hey!

Watch the tits, boys!

I hate potatos.

This is just the beginning of the payback.

Oh, God.

They don't have a pill for the way I feel.

A really big carrot that beat me up.

I hope this satisfies your need for hand-to-hand combat.

You were dang lucky you didn't join us.

Well...

I think I'm in for a bigger beating.

What do you mean?

Have you ever heard of Nelly The Nose?

Who?

Nelly The Nose.

No.

Well, it seems that Mr. Rose had a debt to settle with him.

I don't know if it's The Mob, I don't know…

Sorry.

But...

He's after me now.

I think he may wanna kill me.

Good evening.

My name is agent Chestnut.

Agent Chestnut. Federal Trade Commission interview.

State your full name, please.

Rosemary Rose.

I'd like to ask you a few questions about your manure.

Can I just ask, what so special about our manure?

We've been informed that you have been actively distributing the feces

of endangered species.

Would you agree that you have a feces fetish?

Well, I do like to occasionally,

rub some on my chest.

You've been distributing feces of endangered species.

You're looking at ten in the pen, buddy!

Ten years?

For peddlin' poo?

You a funny man?

You're a funny man.

No.

Don't play excrement for brains with me.

Alright, Mr. Four-eyes,

we'll play that game.

See, I knew

that I had been chosen, I knew I had been chosen

to track down every last crap peddler I could.

You will pay the price for that!

You make me sick.

You...

Right here.

All the evidence I need to know

that your father was both desperate,

and in deep shit.

Were you aware,

of the financial difficulties at Rose's Manure?

No.

Never knew nothin'.

No.

Mr. Rose never mentioned it.

Never.

Well...

Guess it's hard to talk when you're head-deep in shit, huh?

You will not be allowed to operate or sell anything

until I have completed my complete investigation.

Shut us down? You can't do that, that...

That would destroy the company!

Just watch me!

Dismissed!

Come here.

It's gonna be alright.

Why didn't you tell me Rose's Manure was broke?

Well, I was getting to that part before the walls blew off.

So you were gonna give me 50% of nothing?

You lied to me.

No.

- We didn't have time for the truth. - So you bullshitted me.

You both bullshitted us.

Sh-sh-sh-shit!

- I wasn't bullshitting you, guys. - He wasn't.

He didn't know anything about it. Listen if every one of you knew,

that everything you'd worked for all those years was gonna amount to shit

this company didn't stand a chance.

I just was trying to get it out of debt.

And sell it for profit.

You're better bullshitter than your father.

I'm sorry.

You know, Patty, you're still the world's best bullshitter.

So what does someone full of crap do, when all the crap talk is gone?

He finds other crap to peddle.

Good morning, ma'am.

- Are you the missus of the house? - Yes.

- May I come in? - All right.

Ma'am, thank you so much for allowing me into your home, it's a beautiful home.

Thank you.

So, just a short demonstration will show you the sheer sucking power of this machine.

It really defies gravity.

My carpets are pretty well clean.

Well, sure they are now. But they won't always be.

These chocolates were imported from fifty different countries.

Mexico.

Good choice.

What you are smelling there,

is Tijuana.

Mrs. Smith, it was through these products

that I was able to achieve the beauty I desired.

Oh, I can…

see that.

Who's there?

Normally…

Normally, who?

What I have here, is a Bible to most.

But in reality, it's more than that.

The Bible's many things.

it can even read

as a romance novel.

Observe.

Oh, don't worry, ma'am. It's just manure. Rose's Manure.

Would you like to taste a little piece of heaven?

Nibbled my finger.

You have a stunning visage.

Normally, I don't go around...

I'll tell you the secret of The Bible.

Right here, in the Proverb Seven of this book.

Well, that's not good.

Oh, my!

Now, you'd let me know if there's anything I can change.

W-W-Would you be interested in b-buyin' a-an en-ency-cyclopedia?

No, thank you.

There's not a problem in the world

that chocolate can't fix.

Agent Chestnut. Federal Trade Commission.

All claims against Rose's Manure have been dropped.

As a result of our intensive investigation it was revealed,

that Jimmy St. James was making shit up.

Due to my highly trained interrogation techniques,

St. James sang like a canary against Milagro,

their unfair business practices

and other environmental atrocities from their miracle fertilizer.

Consequently, Milagro's doors are closed, permanently.

I can see my work here is done. Case closed.

All charges have been dismissed, Miss Rose.

Oh, Agnes!

Thank you, sir, thank you!

Hey, Patrick.

How are you?

Just sucking it up.

I know you boys wish I were dead.

Wish?

All right, I'm… I'm dead. You go ahead and treat me like a ghost.

I just came her to apologize and offer you all your jobs back.

Look, they cleared us of all thirty two charges.

Milagro, they set us up, look!

She's right, boys.

Patrick.

Please, can I just speak to you alone?

You are alone.

Mr. Rose cared a lot about you, boys.

He just didn't care about me. And I was gonna get him back for that.

Here, I'm giving you the company.

And I know that that's what Mr. Rose would have wanted, so it's yours.

That's yours.

So where does someone who's so full of crap go when there's no one else to bullshit?

He goes home.

Mr. Rose, if you had a plan for all this, I sure as heck didn't know what it was.

And why didn't you tell me?

You were like a mentor to me.

You gave me a home when I needed it,

and look what I've done to your place.

What a mess I've made out of things.

I'm sorry.

You might have been the king of number two.

But you'll always be number one to me.

You OK?

Just sucking it up.

I was in the Army on an island of interest.

A quarter Cherokee, a fifth of vodka got me stationed there.

Baker Island.

Just covered in crap.

All kinds of guano, and seal and walrus.

And five years gave me plenty of time

to read up on the Guano Island Act

which was passed by Congress in 1855.

Guano was prized as an agricultural fertilizer.

That way, the U.S. could "protect" these precious droppings and

possess the islands from other countries.

You were gonna go to war over shit?

Well...

Mankind has fought over a lot worse.

And your father, he made me feel proud that

I protected it for the United States.

So that's why I'll always owe a debt to Rose's Manure.

So did you find anything?

Well...

My father was up to something.

Good or bad, it's hard to tell.

If there was a puzzle before, now it's a puzzle with the pieces missing.

Skatole is a mildly toxic,

white, crystalline,

organic,

compound

with the chemical formula

C-9-H-9-N.

It occurs naturally in feces

being produced by tryptophan

in the mammalian digestive track.

In low concentration it has

mild, flowery smell,

that works perfectly as a fixative for perfume.

I have spent

twenty five years creating

a connection

to a person who smelled

like a rose garden.

Rose water.

Rose water,

for my lovely daughter.

Rosemary Rose.

At last!

Nelly The Nose!

Miss Rose !

S'il vous plaît.

In that suitcase is the result

of your father's many, many years of hard work.

Your father and I have worked together twenty five years.

There was not a scent I did not sniff.

It almost ruined my...

sniffer.

Rose water.

Perfume is a multi million dollar industry.

That four ounce bottle will cost the customer

fifty dollars.

This will reconcile

your father's debt.

So you put this shit on to keep from smelling like it.

Mr. Rose has literally turned shit into gold.

Au revoir, madame.

How would you feel about owning 50% of a perfume company?

The sweet smell of success.

So anyway, here we are.

And that's the story.

So who's bullshitting who?

Europeans used to ship

their manure in dry form.

Stowing the bundles below deck.

When manure comes in contact with sea water,

not only does it get heavier,

but it begins the process of fermentation

a byproduct of which is methane gas

leading to many problems.

Soon after this discovery,

sailors began to stow

their manure high enough off the lower deck

so that any water that came in

could not touch their volatile cargo.

The bundles were stamped with

the acronym S. H. I. T.,

to inform the sailors

to always "Ship High In Transit".