Original subtitles

Thank you, gentlemen.

End this afternoon's lectures.

Thank you.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I'm Max Killader.

Professor Max Killader?

That is quite right.

If you'll just wait a moment, Professor, I'll

tell the assistant manager that you're here.

Thank you.

Do you mind filling out one of these

for me, please?

Not at all.

Oh, Mr Cranley?

Yes, it's Bates here.

Yes, Professor Max Killader has arrived.

Yes, sir, I'll do that right away, sir.

The assistant manager will be with you in

one moment, sir.

Very good.

Are they tarts?

I'm sorry?

The girls, are they tarts?

Oh, I believe the students, Professor, are here

for the conference.

Yes, yes, of course.

Many of them are here for my lectures.

This is a holiday resort.

Surely some of them are lobby girls?

Ah, well, I...

Can I help?

I hope so, sir, because the professor here

has a query.

Well, that's what we're here to answer.

Professor Killader?

That's right.

I'm Jasper Cranley, the assistant manager of the

Greenleaf.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Now, how can I help you, sir?

Well, I simply ask if some of these

girls here were hookers.

Hookers?

Yes.

What a suggestion.

Why, Professor Killader, the Greenleaf is just about

the most discriminating hotel on the island.

These girls are graduate students, most of them.

I can assure you our security would allow

nothing off colour in the lobby.

Really?

How depressing.

Now then, we were expecting you yesterday, Professor.

I was delayed in Tokyo.

I tried to cable from Moscow airport, but

you know how ludicrously inefficient the Russians are.

Fifteen, please.

Do I have a suite or a room?

Why, Professor, all of our accommodation consists of

studio suites, which are made up of a

large living area, a terrace, with a jacuzzi

equipped bathroom.

Yes, yes, I understand.

It's a room.

I suppose Professor Medox of Yale has got

the only proper suite.

I can assure you, Professor, there is no

favouritism at the Greenleaf.

All of you visiting archaeologists will receive the

same high standard of personalised service and ultra

modern but gracious accommodation.

Why are these called the Virgin Islands?

I've no idea.

Seems a trifle ominous.

I'll have a maid bring up your whisky,

sir.

Are the maids available?

This is a decent hotel, Professor.

Really?

I'm sorry.

I apologise.

I guess it's just that I'm feeling a

little bit jumpy, sir.

You see, my wife's returning from Boston tomorrow

with our little girl, and I'm always kind

of nervous when they fly, sir.

Still, Professor, it might save embarrassment if you

would just remember that this is a conference

hotel.

Curly, have this put up in the lobby,

please.

I'll have it attended to, sir.

Thank you.

So, Barnum's arrived, has he?

Good morning, Professor Maddox.

Morning.

You've turned your lobby into a casino.

Really?

The greatest showman of archaeology does the Mortimer

Wheeler stunt.

People come up to him with a bit

of pottery or such like, and he says

what it is, what they are.

Only he does it for money.

He bets the customers $100 he'll get it

right.

Does he always win?

No, not always.

Merely a modest nine times out of ten.

Just enough to make him a small fortune.

But I think he does it mainly to

impress the girls.

I see.

Is there a Mrs Colada?

No.

He's, shall we say, addicted to variety.

If Max Colada sees a girl twice, he

thinks the affair's getting stale.

You mean he's a womaniser, a seducer.

The Casanova de nos jours.

You wanted to see me, Mr Cranley?

I'm the roommate.

Oh, yes.

Aren't you the English girl, Ellie...

Ellie Somerton.

That's it, Miss Somerton.

Are you here on a working vacation, Miss

Somerton?

Yes, I am.

I need some sun.

Going to medical school when I get back.

Oh, really?

I have a great respect for doctors.

Would you please take a bottle of single

malt whisky to room 15?

Of course.

And you take care now.

Yes, Mr Cranley.

What do you mean, take care?

Oh, it's nothing to get upset about.

Jeff, would you please put one in each

room, please?

It's just that sometimes some of our visitors,

our gentleman visitors, they get the wrong idea

about our girls, if you take my meaning.

You mean they assume we're cool girls?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That's putting far...

Yes, I guess that's it.

Oh, it's happened to me before.

I've had some extraordinary experiences.

Once in a hotel in Grand Rapids...

Yes, yes, yes.

Well, we're just running a conference centre here,

Miss Somerton.

We don't often encounter these types of problems.

But the chap in 15's an exception.

Oh, well, Professor Collada is a very distinguished

archaeologist.

But off the record, he's also some sort

of a Casanova.

Seems he's irresistible to some women.

That's him there.

Doesn't look irresistible to me.

Room service.

Come in.

The door's not locked.

Ah, a woman.

Just what I need.

Now, just a minute.

To help me unpack.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

I'm only allowed to do room service.

But I'm the original helpless male.

Observe this scene of primal chaos.

Yeah, it's a bit of a mess.

Here.

What's all that for?

A tip, of course.

But if you could see a way to

lending a hand...

Oh, all right.

But not a word to anyone.

Of course not.

I'll pour us a drink.

Oh, no, you won't.

Very well.

I'll pour myself a drink.

Are you interested in archaeology?

Yes.

I don't know much about it.

Going to be a doctor.

Are you now?

Thank you.

You seem surprised.

I confess I am.

Cheers.

Summer job.

Going to medical school in October.

Really?

Yeah.

Is that all right?

Well, very ship-shape indeed.

Here.

Thank you, sir.

You're a remarkably attractive girl.

And you're a very accomplished flatterer.

I am indeed.

Perhaps we should have dinner together and compare

notes.

We poor skivvies aren't allowed to dine with

the guests.

Pity.

How can we meet again?

Send down for something.

I'll have to bring it up, won't I?

Splendid idea.

That poster of yours in the lobby?

Yes.

What does it mean?

It means that the fool and his money

are soon parted.

If you want to know how, be in

the lobby at about ten this evening.

Irish filigree brooch.

Late 12th century.

Almost certainly from Connemara.

Must be part of the Templeton horde.

Am I right?

Happily, yes.

Oh, well.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it's Chinese, I'm sure.

Yes.

It's a Tang shirt on glazed pottery.

Am I right?

I'm afraid not, Professor Gelada.

It is prehistoric Greek.

Greek?

What?

Made from Yellow River clay?

Very well.

I'll pay you, but as you know, I

have the right to submit the object to

an appropriate authority.

And if he or she supports my judgement,

you will then have to decide whether to

return my money.

But by then, whatever you decide, you will

be an object of ridicule, Professor Dakthatidas.

Possibly I have made an error.

I brought several pieces.

Let me see.

Greek.

Yes, of course.

This is the Chinese and not the Greek

shirt.

Thank you.

So sorry, Professor.

So sorry, Professor.

This is mine.

Oh.

Thank you.

Very sinuous.

Classic example.

That's all very well, but what is it?

It's an amulet.

I'm an Indian.

Mid-12th century.

Probably from Arizona.

Right?

Well, I never thought you'd guess that.

I was with my daddy when he found

it.

Oh, Professor Dalton of Veracruz.

Oh, then you must be Angela Dalton.

Do you believe it?

That's right.

And there goes my fun money.

Well, a girl's fun money is a serious

matter.

Come here.

Stand here beside me and we'll see if

we can think up some consolation prize.

Is everything all right, Miss Dalton?

And so we should never forget when challenged

by historians that the records may, and were

frequently intended to, tell lies.

But the artefacts are themselves crystallised truth.

Very good.

Thank you very much.

Hi, Mrs. Cranley.

How nice to see you.

Hello, Jeff.

Lizzie, what are you doing here?

I thought I'd better come home and check

up on you.

What?

I'm teasing.

We missed you.

Both of us.

But you're not due back till tomorrow.

Right.

Off I go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, at least you'll be a happy man.

Boy, the bag.

Thank you.

Let me hold it.

Telephone call for Professor Smith.

Professor Smith to reception, please.

Now, Jasper, what is the matter?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just so great to have you both

back.

I'm always afraid when you go to the

States that you'll stay there.

Why would I do that?

Because I'm such a dumbo.

You're so artistic and educated and from New

England, and I'm from Beatrice, Nebraska.

Jasper, you're not a dumbo.

Maybe you're not an intellectual, but I had

enough of those in college.

I wasn't very impressed with their human qualities.

You're the kindest, strongest man I ever met.

And I wouldn't have anyone else for a

husband.

Now, come on.

Let's go.

It is time to put up the poster

of the voodoo man.

What?

That's Professor Max Collada.

You better be careful if you bump into

him.

I trust you'll have a dervish with me.

The most civilised of all cocktails.

I can't.

That's why I ordered two, please.

Oh, all right.

I've had a hell of a day.

Very good.

Sit down.

Only for two minutes?

Of course.

May I know your name?

Ellie.

Ellie Somerton.

Cheers, Ellie Somerton.

Cheers.

I say, I was very impressed.

Really?

What by?

Your amazing performance.

You know, identifying those things in the lobby.

How can you possibly know so much?

Well, I have a most capacious brain.

Can any archaeologist do that?

Certainly not.

If they could, they would.

I'm a television star in five countries and

I make three times as much that way

as I do by being a professor.

I'm not surprised.

You won every single time.

I don't often lose.

Still, you mustn't think I'm just a showman.

I'm also the world's leading authority on the

pre-Columbian era.

Some of those objects were very beautiful.

That little statue, a Truscan, was it?

Hmm.

That was rather delicate.

Of course, aesthetic considerations are secondary to an

archaeologist.

Wait.

I have something here that might interest you.

It's lovely.

What is it?

Oh, it's unique.

I found that figurine myself in Central America.

It has certain Mayan features but is not

closely related to any known Mayan artefact.

So, it might represent a lost civilisation.

Really?

I see.

It's a little awe-inspiring, isn't it?

Well, I'd like you to have it.

You're joking.

Not at all.

Lovely things belong to those who appreciate them.

It must be really old and valuable.

About 900 years old.

Its value is that it'll always remind you

of me.

I see.

No, no, please, please.

I find you tremendously attractive but the figurine

is yours with no strings attached.

After all, there are quite a few, how

shall I put it, willing dames in the

hotel.

Yes.

And I should warn you, Mr Crowley's noticed

what you get up to with them.

He's very cross about it.

I dare say.

Well, Puritans spend half their lives in a

rage.

About the figurine, I ask only one thing.

What's that?

Don't ever sell it.

I'm bestowing upon you an object of beauty,

not an investment.

Do you promise?

Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Um...

It's a wonderful present.

Sure.

Sure.

Oh, Mrs Cranley, going for a walk?

Yes.

Mrs Cranley.

Mrs Cranley, hello.

Hello.

I'm Max Calada.

I know.

Your husband has been awaiting your return with

scarcely concealed desire, and I'll see why.

Yes.

Well, we just got back from the States

and it was wonderful.

Yeah.

Nearly as attractive as her mother.

Oh, it's clear that motherhood suits you.

Some women find it to be an almost

erotic experience.

Is that how it strikes you?

Well, I...

I don't really know.

I would imagine you were a woman with

strong erotic feelings.

I've noticed that physical beauty and voluptuous nature

often go together.

I have to walk her now.

Of course.

I trust we'll have an opportunity to probe

these mysteries further sometime.

I doubt it.

Goodbye.

Please.

Cranley!

I'd like to order a bottle of champagne.

What for, Professor?

To celebrate your wife's return, I just made

her acquaintance, and I'd be delighted if you'd

both join me at the cocktail hour.

I'm sorry to have to say this, Professor,

but I do not feel happy for my

wife to be in your presence.

What?

I have explained to her how I feel,

and she understands.

Cranley, I have no design on your wife.

Why not?

She's female.

Professor Collada, I have a great respect for

your learning.

And I have to tell you that my

wife has an interest in archaeology.

As a student, she went on some digs.

But after some of the things I've seen,

sir...

What exactly have you seen, Cranley?

Just one example, sir.

Yesterday afternoon, as I happened to be inspecting

the air conditioner in room 16, through the

open door, I saw Professor Roday's wife leave

your room.

Now I know that she's French.

So, as it happens, Professor Roday has a

bad heart and can't make love.

Do you expect his wife to live like

a nun?

She came to my room of her own

free will, and her husband knows that she

came for besettings.

Too sophisticated for me, Professor.

All I know is that if you lay

a hand on my wife, I'll hit you

on the jaw.

Oh, you Puritans do love hitting people, don't

you?

No.

I try to avoid violence.

Cranley, why don't you trust your wife?

What?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you're apparently terrified of my meeting her

again.

Not terrified.

I just don't want her to have to

repulse insulting and unwanted advances.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Professor, I have

to phone through an order.

Certainly.

Uh, what do you have to order?

A horse whip?

Come in.

The door is not locked.

Where shall I put it?

On the table, please.

Where's the sandwich?

What sandwich?

I ordered a smoked salmon sandwich.

I wasn't told.

I'll go and get you one.

No, no, no.

It's not important.

I'll tell you what.

In the wardrobe, on the shelf, there's a

packet of chocolate chip cookies.

Get them down from you, please.

What happened?

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear.

You told me my statuette was unique.

I know.

It was a lie.

You mean it was all nonsense, about the

Mayan features and...

No, no.

That was quite accurate.

It has certain Mayan attributes.

I can swear to that because I designed

it myself.

You said it was 900 years old.

Slight exaggeration.

It's actually nine years old, made for me

by an old Peruvian friend who lives in

the Andes.

Very skilful carver.

These four are the last of an original

batch of 100.

100?

What on earth do you want with 100?

Well, since you and I seem destined to

have only a platonic relationship, I might as

well come clean.

I give them to girls.

Yes, I'd got that far.

Not to all girls, mind you.

Only special ones.

Only the ones I might have married if

I were the marrying type.

Do you give them to the girls before

or after you've worked your wicked will on

them?

Always after.

Of course after.

It's a keepsake, a parting gift, a memento,

a pledge that perhaps I don't know where,

I don't know when, we might meet and

do it again.

That's very moving, but you gave me mine

before.

I know.

Sheer waste, especially when stocks are getting so

low.

But I felt, you know, that it might...

Soften me up?

Put bluntly, yes.

You are a despicable rogue.

Suppose I am, really.

But an ingenious one.

And statuettes may be fakes, but they are

attractive.

A bit like me, perhaps?

Not in the least like you.

A little bit.

Well, perhaps a tiny bit.

Ellie, you are rubbishing when you laugh.

No, don't start that.

I know you're just a con man.

You can't possibly think I'd succumb knowing what

I do.

Apologise and tell her that I'm attending to

it myself.

Yes, thank you.

Jeff, number 19's just been on to me

about her rose hip tea.

Says she's been waiting nearly half an hour.

19.

That would be Ellie's number.

She seems to have got stuck somewhere.

Stuck?

Yeah, she took some teeth in number 15.

15?

I know just who it would be.

Leave it with me, Jeff.

Yeah, but if I could get hold of

another girl...

Yes?

Professor, it's Jasper Cranley, the assistant manager of

the hotel.

I'd like a word with you, please, sir.

Oh, not him.

Not him.

Not him.

What is it about?

I have reason to believe that you have

Ellie Somerton with you, sir.

Really?

What reason?

Don't play games with me, professor.

No, it doesn't matter.

You're right, Mr Cranley.

I am here.

This is very sad, Miss Somerton, especially after

my warning.

If you felt you were in any danger,

all you had to do was come to

me.

Don't be silly, Mr Cranley.

I'm not in any danger.

And as for you, professor, I shall have

to report you to your superiors.

I have no superiors, and I'm breaking no

laws.

So if that's all you have to say,

kindly leave us alone.

You may not be breaking any law, professor,

but you're sure as hell busting our house

rules wider.

So I'd like you to check out by

noon tomorrow.

But that's not fair, Professor Collard.

That's enough out of you.

You're fired.

I'm entitled to a week's pay in lieu

of notice.

Oh, you'll get it.

You'll get it.

You think that's funny?

You think that's funny?

Then try this.

You'll get out of my hotel by midnight.

What an extraordinary fellow.

He is worse than the Russians.

They at least send you a girl, even

if they try to blackmail you afterwards.

Oh, Cranley's so stuffy.

Of course.

Well, cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm.

You've been fired.

Well, you'll have to accept something now.

Oh, no, honestly, I'm all right.

But I promise you this.

No matter how great my need, I'll never

sell my unique mind study.

First century A.D. Roman-Egyptian, but not

a particularly distinguished example.

Am I right?

Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, Mr. Knowall, how about this little

novel?

Where did you get this?

Is this from...

Never mind where I got it.

Do you know what it is?

I know exactly what it is.

It's a fake.

Are you sure, Professor?

I'm not only sure, I can prove it.

Can you now?

Well, that's very interesting to me, considering that

my wife dug it up for herself.

What?

Yes, when she was a student and went

on some archaeological digs.

That statue has been sitting on our ankh's

table ever since we got married.

Would you like to up the stakes a

little bit on this one, Professor?

Shall we say $500?

Did you say your wife dug this up?

Yes.

Come on, Lizzie.

Don't be frightened.

Tell this wise guy where you got this

thing.

Come on, darling.

Tell him what this is.

It's Central American.

It shows Mayan influence.

It's about 900 years old.

There.

You still think it's a fake, Professor?

Let me see.

Did you find it six years ago at

Yucatan?

Yes.

I remember.

That is, I remember reading about that excavation.

Well, let me see.

Oh, I was wrong.

It's genuine.

Well, win a lot, lose a few.

Here's your $100, Grandma.

Thank you, Professor.

No man is infallible.

Thank you, darling.

Now, come along.

We've made our point.

Well, this is a well-preserved item.

A belt buckle, I believe.

Second century Roman.