Original subtitles

I'm sorry.

you have a reservation for a mr.

and mrs.

Colport.

this is mrs.

Colport.

I see well now yes room 2 1

1.

if you would just sign it perhaps perhaps.

is there any luggage?

no mr.

Colport will arrive later.

I see.

come along Babs.

we'll go up to your room now.

Tyler J.

I believe you have a booking for me.

let's see yes for one night only room

2 2 1.

please fill in the form.

yes Colport this is.

no no nuts thank you.

just the brown there.

a large one.

oh it's got a good bounce.

Holly how can you talk like that?

practise.

anyway bounce counts.

you'll find out soon.

don't say that I'm scared.

I know darling.

it's always been the same.

I meet a super chap I fancy him

madly but as soon as he makes his

move I panic.

well that's why we're here to break the

cycle.

but an escort service paying someone.

someone rather special darling.

Fortescue is the agency and as for paying

well now you're more than able to afford

it.

it's hardly the point Holly.

when you told me that you'd spent all

these years looking after your father and nothing

else I was horrified.

look Babs you want to get married have

babies and things.

yes.

but you have this problem with men.

I know.

every time an attractive man shows his affections

for you you run a mile.

Holly there's nothing to be done.

yes there is and we're doing it by

calling in an expert.

you make it sound so cold-blooded so

calculated.

your drink sir.

oh thank you.

would you sign please?

yes of course.

uh thank you.

thank you sir.

I say actually I didn't order a drink.

really sir?

oh I see what's happened.

you're two two one.

the order was for two one one.

we always mix them up because they're so

close to each other.

I do apologise sir.

it's no problem.

actually I did sign the...

you're large brandy ma'am.

oh thank you.

oh my

pretty maid.

bolting perhaps?

yes yes I simply can't face it Holly.

I thought you tried to escape so I

stayed behind to lock the stable door.

don't be so silly.

you can't force me to do it.

now listen I've put a lot of time

and trouble into this one.

you said you were desperate.

I was only a little bit desperate.

now I'm totally desperate.

I've got to get out of here.

I know why you panicked.

it was having to sit up there and

wait for him to turn up.

well I've got a plan to cope with

that.

I don't care.

I'm going home.

perhaps the least you can do is hear

it.

so we'll just step into the bar and

I'll explain.

two pounds please sir.

I say excuse me.

oh you clumsy idiot.

I said I'm terribly sorry.

you have wrecked my trousers.

Wimborne.

Tyler.

I say it must be 15 years.

no more.

I say Wimborne I'm terribly sorry about your

trousers.

oh it's all right Tyler.

seeing as it's you you haven't changed much

have you?

how do you mean Wimborne?

you were the clumsiest boy at school.

was I?

I'd forgotten.

anyway let me pay for cleaning your trousers.

no no of course not.

the sordid thing is I will have to

fly into New York looking like a bum.

terribly sorry.

so you live in New York do you

Wimborne?

yes for a third of the year.

another third in Tokyo and the last third

of my state in Somerset.

I say well you always said you were

going to be a success Wimborne.

look we're not at school now.

it's Giles.

really?

I never knew that.

yes and yours was Jeremy wasn't it?

that's right.

what a memory you've got Wimborne.

Giles.

I take it you're doing well.

this place is quite pricey.

oh I don't usually stay in such grand

hotels Giles.

it's just my firm sent me up from

Chester to close a property deal so I'm

on expenses.

are you in property?

ah no such luck.

I'm just a provincial solicitor.

how about you?

newspapers, advertising, electronics, fashion, publishing, film, television.

perhaps be quick if you just told me

what you're not in.

I don't put in much time with the

pick and shovel Tyler.

ah that's the old Wimbers yes.

I remember you used to keep the whole

school in stitches especially with your practical jokes.

darling what do I say to him?

I mean what do we talk about?

Holly I'm not going through with it.

understood darling but if we don't leave him

a message soon he'll have you paged.

oh no we don't know his name.

mr Colport silly.

you married at all?

I'm afraid not.

I've been close to it once or twice

but it's never quite worked out.

you do like girls don't you?

oh good heavens yes.

oh I've had hundreds of girlfriends although the

past year has been a bit lonely.

really this must be quite a treat for

you then.

how do you mean?

oh staying in a place like this.

what do you mean girls?

how's this sound?

something has come up.

I may be very late.

you needn't wait up.

please leave the door on the latch.

Barbara Colport which means should you change your

mind that you'll be able to undress in

the dark and just slip into bed.

I suppose you'll be winking at the hall

porter before the evening's over eh?

winking at the hall porter?

yes surely you know the code.

code?

oh my dear boy the international one.

oh there's nothing to it.

you uh you simply approach the hall porter

give him your room number and wink three

times.

then you go off to dine and when

you get back to your room there is

a delightful companion waiting for you.

and the best thing of all is that

she gets billed as sundries.

how extraordinary.

now what was your room number?

it was 221 wasn't it?

your room number.

it is 221.

right.

good evening.

good evening sir.

room 221.

all right.

table for one monsieur.

thank you.

follow me please.

I'm sure no I haven't actually seen it

myself madam but I understand it's a very

fine performance.

excuse me one moment.

good evening I'm mr.

Colport.

I believe my wife mrs.

Barbara Colport checked in earlier.

Colport.

ah yes that's right sir.

she left a note for you.

oh hell did she?

I'll confirm it later madam.

ah yes uh that's all right then.

she my wife you understand wants me to

wait in her room.

our room that is.

she said you'll give me the key.

certainly sir.

oh it's 221.

yes.

here we are sir.

you'll feel better once you've eaten.

I couldn't eat a thing.

don't be silly.

Dominic.

yes.

what are you doing here?

same as you I expect.

yes but didn't I read somewhere that your

old man had died?

he must have left you half of Yorkshire

didn't he?

he got better.

oh rotten luck.

well not really.

I quite like the old thug.

if only he'd part with some of the

ancestral loot.

how are you making out?

oh not much loot left in my family.

best I can hope for is a good

marriage.

that's why I stick with this caper.

so where's your date?

oh in the dining room.

I'm joining her now.

seriously rich?

well her name's Hapley like the chain of

high street dress shops but I can't work

out if she's a dress shop happily or

not.

she's got terrible dress sense.

I mean black knickers under blue organdy.

where's uh where's yours?

hasn't arrived yet.

I left the note saying I have to

go to bed.

probably one of the shy ones who like

you to be asleep while they undress.

oh I've never had one of those.

I have had every kind.

good hunting.

thanks.

leave it with me sir.

goodbye sir.

my key room 2 2 1.

excuse me sir.

reception.

yes your excellency.

yes of course.

right away sir.

one moment sir.

oh I am sorry sir.

who the hell are you?

precisely what I was going to ask you.

all right I'm mr Colport.

mr Barbara Colport.

Barbara?

what?

no Barbara is my wife's name of course.

she booked the room.

well I'm Jeremy Tyler and I'm expecting a

friend.

would that be a female or a male

friend?

naturally a female friend.

why naturally?

you've been cuddling me.

well I assumed you were her.

has she got a moustache?

no.

now will you kindly leave my room?

look I think we can settle this without

a punch-up.

what number's your room?

2 2 1.

really?

so's mine and here's my key to prove

it.

oh really?

well here's my key to prove it.

oh dear.

well?

it's 2 1 1.

never mind.

I really am most dreadfully sorry.

all right what's it going to be?

I'll do it.

why have you changed your mind?

it was just something I saw in the

dining room while we were eating.

what was that?

it was just a couple having dinner together

but they were obviously getting a terrific kick

out of each other's company.

it made me realise how much I was

missing.

what were they doing?

well not a lot.

just exchanging looks and touches.

but you could see he was crazy about

her.

he had to be.

she was wearing black knickers under blue Orkney

and she looked ghastly.

come on let's get my key.

my key please.

room 2 1 1.

it's out madam.

oh oh of course.

good night Holly.

wake up and if you're just pretending to

be asleep it's not really necessary.

so you've come.

of course.

I'd given you up.

that was silly.

no it wasn't.

the fact is I very nearly didn't.

really?

why?

naturally because I was frightened.

actually I was terrified.

good lord.

were you really?

I had to force myself to enter this

room.

that's terrible.

does it always affect you like that?

yes that's the whole point.

when the moment gets near I nearly faint.

usually I just run away.

what an appalling handicap.

I mean do you think you're in the

right profession?

oh I don't have a profession.

I have means.

I just do odd jobs from time to

time.

but if you don't need to I mean

well why work at all?

I suppose because I get bored.

it helps pass the time.

yes I suppose it would.

it's none of my business of course but

have you ever considered some sport or hobby?

look could we just get on with it

before I get panicky again?

yes of course.

well if you'd like to undress.

not so fast.

sorry?

well there's certain things to be discussed first.

really?

what things?

well uh to begin with are you uh

experienced?

I uh well tolerable I suppose.

I mean do you really think a lot

of experience is necessary?

of course I don't want some blundering amateur

doing it do I?

well no no that would be disagreeable no

doubt but I mean it is your...

choice.

oh I realise that.

but tell me this.

why do you think I joined you here?

I assume because I winked at the hall

porter.

what?

well because I winked at the hall porter.

I don't consider this the moment for jokes.

you are going to take it seriously aren't

you?

oh certainly yes but I mean it should

also be fun shouldn't it?

of course not.

are you mad?

oh I suppose your attitude doesn't really matter

as long as you do it gently swiftly

and with clinical detachment.

well I'll do my best.

thank you.

now no more talking.

I will put out the light and get

undressed in the dark.

you turn over.

turn over so that you're facing away from

me.

I'll get straight into bed and you get

on with it without delay.

agreed?

I suppose so.

light's going out now.

I must say I didn't expect all these

rules.

well I'm sorry but she didn't show up.

my my wife just didn't show up.

well she was certainly here last night as

I remember the lady when she booked in.

yes here we are mrs.

Barbara Colport.

of course I went off with you at

seven.

well she never came up to the room.

I've spent a rotten night all alone.

have you informed the police sir?

the police?

no why should I?

well your wife's disappeared.

oh I don't suppose it's anything that would

interest the police.

I mean she...

Barbara often has these fits and starts.

she probably met somebody she fancied more than

me and just went off with him.

I beg your pardon.

what I mean is she might have bumped

into an old friend or...

oh all right I'll pay the bill.

Fortescue can settle with me later.

never mind.

what do I owe you?

you were wonderful.

far better than I'd expected.

thank you for your strength and gentleness.

I won't ever be afraid again.

hello.

so you're back are you?

I most certainly am and now I would

like the truth.

I say you're not going to start all

that nonsense again are you?

what exactly do you mean?

well I got your note.

it was a wonderful night for me too.

who are you?

look I've got nothing to hide.

I'm not married.

what gives you the right to interrogate me

like this?

very well I will tell you.

I have discovered that you're not from Fortescue.

well that's true.

I'm not.

who are you from?

well if you must know the firm's called

Farrington Farrington and Dawkins.

I'm a junior partner.

a what?

I'm a solicitor.

you mean you do this in your spare

time?

do what?

what is the address of your firm?

87 Mount Street.

Mount Street.

Chester.

Chester?

Chester!

you've come down from Chester to make love

to women?

oh don't be silly.

I came down to close a contract.

I had no intention of making love when

I left Chester.

oh then what happened?

did they bleep you and tell you something

had come up?

no this has gone quite far enough.

no call girl.

that's the right.

what did you say?

I said no call girl.

what girl are you referring to?

all right if you find the term too

blunt pleasure girl.

me?

you mean me?

well who else?

it was you that came and slept with

me after I winked at the hall porter

wasn't it?

oh my god.

are you ill?

no no I uh let's just get this

straight.

you wanted some female company last night and

what did you do?

well exactly what Wimborne suggested.

I winked three times at the hall porter

and he sent you to my room.

didn't he?

oh my god.

hello.

I'm sorry I'm late.

it's been quite a day.

I saved the firm upwards of two million.

I did it with an offshore nominee.

I run your bar.

champagne now or later?

now I think.

how was Tommy's eye test?

glasses I'm afraid.

but I think he's rather proud.

he's spending the night with auntie Holly.

so we've got the whole night to ourselves.

Babs you don't think after 10 years this

routine is well a bit childish?

I do not.

it commemorates most important night of my life.

oh mine too.

it's just...

now are you the man from Fortescue's?

at your service madame.