Original subtitles

Oh, now, now, do you want to go

back and sit with your mum now?

That's the idea, off you go.

I'm not at all happy about this.

Albert's been our virgin for 16 years.

Damn good one too.

Now we've no complaints, except on this one

issue.

Which is more a misfortune than a failing.

What shall we do without Millie?

Neither of them will take it easily.

Millie, this church has been their life.

Page 243.

Children who are too young to profess the

Christian faith are baptised on the understanding that

they are brought up as Christians within the

family of the church.

What's all this then?

The plans for converting the crypt.

Our new man certainly gets things done.

The town's changing.

He'd say the church must change with it.

But he won't change Albert, that I'll tell

you.

Ah, Mr. Dobson, would you come into the

vestry for a moment?

We have something to say to you.

Very good, sir.

Mrs. Dobson, would you join us?

I asked two of our church wardens to

be present because what I have to say

is the result of a joint decision, not

mine alone.

You understand that?

Yes, sir.

They were as surprised as I had been

to hear what I had to tell them.

I have discovered, how I found out doesn't

matter, I have discovered that you, Mr. Dobson,

can neither read nor write.

Well, the last picker knew that, sir.

He said it didn't make any difference.

Have you ever tried to learn to read?

I started in service when I was a

lad, sir.

You didn't need to read and write to

clean shoes and polish the silver.

I rose to be a butler, sir, to

Lord Wisber.

My wife was his cook.

After we got married, she tried to teach

me.

And he could have learned, but he had

too much to do.

Well, Mr. Dobson, this may have been all

right in the past, but we have plans

for this church to make it as much

a community centre as a place of worship.

We're putting a telephone in the crypt.

Now, we'd expect our Virgil to help answer

it, give out numbers and addresses, liaise with

the social services in cases of need.

I don't think that with your handicap, Mr.

Dobson, you could quite manage that, could you?

Are you trying to tell me, sir, that

my services are no longer required?

Mrs. Dobson, couldn't you have another go at

teaching him?

Just enough so he could take down messages

and so on.

Well, I...

I tried to teach my wife to drive.

Absolute disaster.

There are classes in literacy for late learners

at the Adult Education College.

They're enroling now.

Won't you give it a try, Albert?

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me.

Could you tell me the way to Adult

Literacy?

Back already?

They finish early.

Write me a letter.

I'm just doing my paste.

Write me a letter now.

Oh, for?

What's up with you?

I've only got one pair of hands.

Just stop yammering and do what I tell

you.

Albert, what has got into you?

That blimmin' college, that's what got into me.

At my age to be taught how to

read, the cat sat on the mat by

a chit of a girl young enough to

be my granddaughter.

She didn't even have the modesty to wear

a brazier.

Well, that's it.

I'm resigning.

You're what?

I'm resigning as Berger.

Resigning?

Yes.

Now write that letter.

Well.

If you're not staying, nor am I.

Treating you like this.

I'll make the letter from me, too.

We'd miss the church, though, after all these

years.

We'd go barmy, stuck here in the house

all day.

And I'll go barmy in that birdcage they

call a college.

Never.

You write that letter.

Ah, Mr. Dobson.

Can I help you?

I've left you a letter.

Oh, well, don't rush off.

Tell me how your lesson went.

You started today, didn't you?

The letter contains my resignation and that of

my wife.

Oh, now, now, now.

Don't misbehave.

You're hasty about this.

I know when I'm not wanted.

Well, if that's the way you feel.

Yes.

A pot of tea, please.

No pot.

Only mug.

Very well.

A mug.

Thank you.

Ow!

Oh, excuse

me.

I'm a little short-sighted.

Could you tell me what that sign says?

Er, Lisa, sir.

And the agents?

Er, Wallace and Coon.

Why didn't you get yourself some glasses?

Thank you.

Did you leave the letter?

Yes, I did.

I saw the bicker, too.

And what did he say?

I can bait to him what I thought

of him.

Oh, Victoria Buns.

Um...

Do you remember the teas we used to

serve in the old days when His Lordship

had company?

You won't see the like of them nowadays.

All people have is shop cakes in front

of the telly.

Tea out of bags.

Plastic on the table instead of Irish linen.

His Lordship always liked to start with cucumber

sandwiches.

Crumpets and muffins in the winter.

Anchovy toast when he came back from hunting.

Hot butter tea cakes with cinnamon.

Brandy snuff with cream filling.

My macaroons.

Meringues.

Eclairs.

Do you know there's nowhere anywhere near the

High Street where you can get a decent

cup of tea, let alone a proper tea

like we're talking of.

No one wants it.

They're rushing home from the supermarket to switch

on the video.

Well, I don't know.

After all, this is a tourist town, you

know.

Lots of Americans and coach parties.

I, um...

I saw an empty shop today.

Oh?

Yeah.

Between the cathedral and the castle.

It was a short lease.

I went to the agents.

What are you talking about?

Leases and agents?

Millie, listen.

What would you think of you and me

opening a proper tea room?

A what?

With cloths on the table and a pot

of tea instead of a cup.

And your baking and my idea of service.

You have gone barmy to take all our

savings.

I'm sure it would work.

They'd be queuing up for your macaroons.

It's too risky going into business at our

time of life.

Other people do it.

Just think of it.

You and me.

I'm sure it would work if we pulled

together.

Macaroons is too much of a fiddle.

I could do my Chelsea chocolate fingers, though.

Millie, love.

Give me a hand with the gloves.

All right.

Look what I've got.

Four dozen assorted cut sauces and plates.

Got them from the junk shop near the

station.

Thirty quid the lot.

Where are we?

It says something on this one but I

don't suppose it makes any difference.

India and Oriental Steamship Company.

Oh.

Welcome aboard.

I'm not nervous.

I'm all fingers and thumbs.

Nervous?

You've cooked dinners when we sat down thirty

at table, not counting family.

It's the money I'm worried about.

All our savings.

Yes, sonny?

Could you put this notice up, please?

What's it for?

It's called Jumble, sir.

Oh, very well.

Good afternoon, sir.

A cup of tea, please.

Wouldn't you prefer a pot, sir?

Much more civilised.

Yes.

Yes, thanks.

Indian or China, sir?

Indian, I suppose.

Little anchovy toast as an appetiser, sir?

Just a pastry, please.

Certainly, sir.

Good Lord.

Well, I'll have one of those and one

of those, please.

May I recommend the Sandringham Spun, sir?

Very light.

Well, perhaps.

Yes.

Certainly, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Thanks very much.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

It's freshly made, sir.

Oh?

If you just let it stand for about

four minutes, it should be perfect.

Right.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, sir.

Do sit down, madam.

Nice with the sun again.

Oh, yes.

Now, then, tea for tea, was it?

Indian or China?

I've now applied for planning permission for change

of use.

Serving area is well below standard.

And they're making food for public sale and

consumption in their private residence, which hasn't been

inspected or approved for the purpose.

My department could apply to you for a

closure order tomorrow.

They did a lot for the church.

Couldn't we give them a bit of time?

I'll let you know when I've inspected the

kitchen they use for their home baking.

Good day to you.

Forficula auricularia.

And earwig, Mrs Dobson.

Well, what do you expect with the graveyard

round the corner?

There are also traces of mouse droppings.

We lost our cat.

I was going to get some poison.

I shall have to report an infestation.

In his lordship's kitchen we had puppies, kittens.

Yeah.

Peacocks were coming for the crumbs.

Yes, well.

Now, this preparation service.

I've had that pastry board thirty years.

We would prefer a laminate.

Have you ever tried making puff pastry on

a laminate, whatever it is?

Are there alternative facilities for hand washing?

Alternative?

Oh, you mean another tap?

Yes, it's through there in the bathroom.

Baths are taken adjacent to food preparation area,

where personal clothing is hung to dry.

Well, I think that's all, Mr Dobson.

You'll be hearing from the Department of Environmental

Health in due course.

I can't say my report will be favourable.

I'm sorry, Mrs Dobson, but I have a

job to do, and it is for the

protection of the public.

I'll see myself out.

Protecting the public from us?

From me that's cooked for royalty, being inspected

by him.

It's the end of the road, Molly.

Couldn't we try finding somewhere else to fit

in with their rules and regulations?

Where's the money to come from?

I'm afraid you weren't at all well advised

when you took this policy out.

They used to call every week when we

were in service.

Isn't it any good?

Oh, it's worth something, of course, and I'll

certainly get a surrender value for you.

But it won't be nearly enough to start

another shop, not one that satisfies all the

regulations.

If you found a suitable freehold property, you

could use this as a down payment on

a mortgage, and I'm sure we at the

bank would help.

But it's a gamble, Albert.

This is your only security against old age,

so think very carefully before you cash it

in.

I think we'll take the gamble, sir.

Headband straight, Mary, that's it.

And apron strings tied in the middle, Martha.

Now.

What do you think, Mr. Dobson?

Hmm.

OK, that's straight, my girl.

That's the other one.

Slip showing out of the dress.

Now then, girls, have you learnt your three

Ps?

Punctuality.

Politeness.

Personal appearance.

And don't you ever forget them.

Anything else, sir?

No, I don't think so.

Just my cheque, please.

Thank you, sir.

That was a very enjoyable afternoon tea.

Thank you, sir.

Is Mr. Dobson here?

No, sir.

He's in one of our other shops.

You mean you have other branches?

Two now, sir.

And another opening in a month.

Is that so?

Do many Americans come in here?

Oh, yes.

Lots.

They really enjoy the tea we serve at

Dobson's.

I bet they do.

Tell me something.

Have you ever heard of Grandma's Cookies?

Sir?

Grandma's Cookies.

Afraid not, sir.

You will, miss.

I can promise you that.

Ah, choir will be going in now.

Do you remember how I used to check

them for clean handkerchiefs and dirty fingernails?

Wonder who'll get the flowers this Sunday.

Thanks, dear.

Oh, but I can't make head nor tail

of this one.

It's from Grandma's Cookies to the President, Dobson's

Tea Rooms, Inc.

Dear sir, we are, as you will be

aware, a prestige-orientated, image-conscious catering consortium

with outlets in 27 U.S. cities.

We have examined with interest your company in

the U.K. and are interested in the

possibility of expanding your operation within our own

organisation.

Our Mr. Gruber will be at Claridge's Hotel

in London from...

Oh, but what does this mean?

You don't think they're trying to take us

over, do you?

I don't know, love.

I think we'd better go and find out

what he's up to.

Okay, so, uh, we would plan to have

all of these outlets operational by the fall

and lift off of the Canadian subsidiaries soon

after.

Now, we have a very attractive logo here,

based on Mellie's very beautiful smile.

Heh, heh, heh.

And for our menu, a likeness to you,

Albert.

Not bad, huh?

Heh, heh, heh.

Now, for the jacket of the book, we

thought a picture of you both serving tea

to a typical English family.

A book?

Gee whiz, didn't I tell you?

Harry, I thought...

Not me, sir.

I'm sorry, I apologise.

Yes, we intend to tie in with a

mail-order publishing firm for Mrs. Dobson's teatime

cookbook.

What do you think of that, Albert?

If you're saying you want to buy us

out, we're not selling.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not saying that at all.

We want you to carry on just the

way you are, and we want the right

to do the same thing in the States,

with your name and your product.

We'll pay you one hell of a lot

of money for it.

It'll all have to be legal and above

board.

Absolutely.

That's why we have the legal eagle here.

He'll take you through the paperwork.

Then I'd like to show you some ideas

I've got for some TV commercials.

There's not all that much here, really.

Just three letters of intent for Mr. Dobson

to sign.

Right.

Here you go, sir.

On the dotted line, please.

Don't you think we ought to take them

home to go over them?

Now, now, hold on a minute.

I don't get it.

I thought you just said...

Mr. Gruber flies off to New York this

evening.

He's meeting with our president tomorrow.

The president's, uh, a very impatient man.

We wouldn't want him to go cold on

this deal, would we?

Albert, you take the wording on those papers,

you'll see it's merely a memorandum of understanding.

He will sign.

I can't read or write.

Albert, are you telling me that you've built

up what's gonna be part of an international,

multimillion-dollar business, and you can't read or

write?

Wow.

Ain't that something?

Boy, what would you be now if you'd

been able to?

I can tell you that, Elmer.

I'd still be the virgin of the local

parish church.

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