Original subtitles

Good morning, Arthur.

Good morning, Percy.

Give me the usual, will you?

Fine.

I said the usual.

Half-pint.

There's some new faces.

You happen to have a copy of the

local paper?

I think I've got this week's somewhere.

Here we are.

Thank you.

How long will you be staying, Mr Jeffreys?

About a week, I should think.

Ten days, something like that.

On holiday?

No, business.

Market research.

It's on the second floor.

We've no lift, I'm afraid.

I'll get Arthur to help you.

That's all right, I can manage fine.

If you're staying in for dinner, the restaurant

closes at nine.

Oh, thanks.

Mr and Mrs, I think at least he'd

buy her a wedding ring.

The mayor and his wife have left for

a holiday in Malta.

A member of Parliament will be speaking in

the debate on the Common Market Agricultural Policy.

Stop working, Jane.

This is a nice little time.

Let's enjoy ourselves.

How about a movie?

There doesn't seem to be a cinema.

Ah, the Yachting Club have a dance at

the town hall on Wednesday.

That's one for you.

You're getting to be a workaholic, love.

I'm getting to be nervous, too.

When that copper stopped us, I thought that

was it.

It was only a routine check on car

tax evaders.

He asked too many questions and took too

many notes.

And your Australian accent's beginning to slip.

Oh, I'm sorry about that, sport.

And we're still £1,000 from our target.

I think we can manage on less.

No, Steve, we need £15,000.

Look, first there's a single airfare to Melbourne.

No, Sydney.

Sydney?

How about a nice little cafe on Bondi

Beach?

Look, all you need is bamboo tables and

awnings.

It'll be a quarter of the price of

fitting up a restaurant.

You can wait on the customers in a

bikini.

And I'll go surfing when we've washed up

the dishes.

How about it?

Walsing Matilda, Walsing Matilda Won't you come and

walsing Matilda with...

Come on, sport.

We've got work to do.

Yes?

Good morning.

I'm engaged in market research for Silvertone Metal

Polish.

Well, you've probably heard of us.

No.

Ah.

Well, would you mind answering a few simple

questions?

To help us provide a better product for

our customers, But it'll only take a few

minutes, really.

And it would help me.

All right.

You'd better come in.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the club secretary.

I'm afraid he's not here.

Well, can I help?

Yes, perhaps you can.

I'm doing market research for Silvertone Metal Polish.

I'm sure you've heard of us.

Well, it's after 11.

Have a glass of sherry.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Oh, what a charming clock.

That was my husband's retirement gift.

It's very nice.

He died at 10 to 3, standing just

where you are now.

He was always fiddling with that damn thing.

I'm surprised it goes at all.

Your sherry?

Thank you.

Do sit down.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Now, I understand from the local press that

your club is holding a dance on Wednesday.

That's right, every year.

Now, what I'd like to do is to

approach the organisers.

Now, if you'd be so kind as to

give me their names and addresses...

Well, I'm not sure I can do that.

Well, that's a little place you've got here,

isn't it?

Now, I do a bit of selling myself

back home.

Oh, do you?

Yeah.

Matter of fact, my father is secretary of

our local club in Sydney.

Really?

Good afternoon.

I'm engaged to market research for Silvertone Metal

Polish.

When will you pop in?

Not today, thank you.

Thank you.

Well, the day wasn't entirely wasted.

I learned enough about sailing to open a

marina when we get to Australia.

I had a Mrs Milvane talk her head

off after six sherries.

She must go down for the count if

she keeps after that bottle all day.

Plenty of silver, and she lives on her

own.

Obliging of her.

But she never goes out except to shop.

Oh, for the sherry.

Presumably.

Oh, then there was a Colonel Grant.

Grant?

He insisted on showing me his huge stamp

collection he started in his school days.

Very boring.

Colonel Grant, here we are.

He's a member of the Yachting Club, and

one of the organisers of the dance on

Wednesday.

I shouldn't count on him being at the

dance.

He's only got one leg.

Hell.

Now, I've checked out more than a dozen

sailing fanatics, and I've got the rateable values

of their houses.

There are three frontrunners.

Lady Pope of Barleston Hall.

Oh, and Barleston Hall's no good.

There are bound to be servants.

True.

There's a couple called Slatter.

Red Roof's Pond Road.

I've been there.

It's got houses on three sides overlooking it.

How?

Someone called Tabot, Millhouse Lane.

I've been there, too.

I got coffee and cakes and a lecture

of how there's plenty of work if only

the unemployed would get on their bikes and

look for it.

And I feasted my eyes on cabinets of

porcelain.

Ah.

They breed bloodhounds.

Oh.

Oh, this just isn't our day, is it?

I'm beginning to wonder if time isn't running

out on us.

It's not easy here.

There's plenty of money around, but it's too

built up.

The houses are too close together.

Not like Dorset.

Or Wiltshire.

Wiltshire was fun.

Wiltshire was five grand.

Well, do we case this town till the

end of the week, or move on somewhere

else?

Let's go down to the bar and listen

to the local gossip.

Yes, I was in the library today.

Usual day, I don't have anything to read.

And I came on this.

Transactions of the Natural History Society of West

Burford.

Yes, 1887.

Of course, I'm a great lover of useless

information.

A snapper up of unconsidered trifles.

Now, Arthur, just listen to this.

Are you listening?

The dog is the only animal that dreams,

and the only animal that, besides man, feels

sorrow.

Yes, the dog is the only quadruped that's

been taught to speak.

Leibniz, Leibniz mark you, bears witness to a

hound in Saxony that could utter distinctly 30

words.

Well, now, Arthur, that is not only useless

information, but it's entirely erroneous information, because baboons...

Now, baboons have been known to die...

Yes, sir.

Two rams, please.

And, you know, I knew...

When I was in the desert, I knew

a camel that used to have nightmares.

Oh, yes, yes.

Regularly woke up half the battalion screaming in

its sleep.

Really?

Yes, the camel, I mean.

Good evening, sir.

Bonsoir, mademoiselle.

That's all right.

I'm in the chair.

Have a drink with us.

That's very nice.

Yes, I think I will.

No, Arthur, a whisky, if you don't mind,

please.

Yes, a large one, a large whisky.

Well, are you touring?

No, no, we're working, unfortunately.

Oh, well, that's a big mistake.

Yes.

What, Ant?

Market research.

Ah, market research.

Now, that's something I know nothing about.

It's one of the few things I know

nothing about.

Isn't that so, Arthur?

Yes, that's one of them.

Thank you.

£2.30, please, sir.

Yes, charge it, please.

Yes.

Here's to your bonny bright eyes.

Mm-hm.

Oh, that was a good one.

Time for me to go, I'd say.

Imagine, a bus service.

Just arranging for the last bus to leave

a half an hour before closing time.

Chilly, isn't it so, Arthur?

Hasta la vista, Arthur.

Adividerci.

Mein kindergestreulein.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Good night.

Good night, Percy.

Ciao, ciao, Beryl.

Is there anybody there?

Said the traveller, knocking on the moonlit door.

Quite a character.

Oh, yes, our old Percy.

Quite a trial, too.

Mm-hm.

He's a regular.

Too regular.

He comes in here twice a week to

collect his pension, do his shopping, go to

the library.

Then he blothers on in here to the

last bus.

Well, it's all right with people like you,

broad-minded, but some people take exception.

Especially when he starts his lectures.

Drives us barmy.

Who is he?

Percy.

Seems he's been everything.

In the army.

Says he was an actor in Shakespeare.

Then I heard he was something big in

the antique business.

Then he got into a spot of bother.

Careful, Arthur.

Oh, come on, everyone knows about it.

He got into trouble with his taxes.

He talked his way out of it, but

he had to pay up.

Now he lives in a tumble-down farmhouse

out by Lower Potage.

Will you both have a drink?

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

I should not let you buy him that

scotch.

See how quick he took it?

He spends four hours in here each Tuesday

and Friday with just a half pint.

He could buy drinks for half the town

if he wanted.

Not beer either.

Really?

Well, you wouldn't think so to look at

him, would you?

He's loaded.

And I'll tell you something else.

One of the lads from the estate agent's

office comes in here.

When Percy bought that cottage, he paid in

cash.

All five pound notes.

And he never goes to the bank, but

he always pays cash everywhere.

When he pays at all, that is.

He is sitting on a fortune.

It's all you can do to get him

to pay for his rounder, Stingy.

Lower Potage?

I don't think we passed that on the

way in, did we, darling?

Oh, I...

I didn't hit you, did I?

No, no, I don't think so.

Good, good.

It's those damn squirrels.

They eat everything I put out for the

birds.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

I'm doing market research.

I wondered if you'd mind helping me.

Oh, for you, my dear.

I wouldn't mind.

Would you like to let yourself in?

Yes, thank you.

Good morning.

Ah, yes, I remember you.

In the bar.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, can you help me with these silly

questions?

Silly questions?

Market research.

Ah, yes, market research.

Yes, come on, come on.

Market research.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Yes, that's one of the few things I

know nothing about.

Yes, yes, questions?

Well, it's the way I make a living,

you see.

Oh, you really feel you have to do

that?

What?

Make a...

No, it's all right.

Sit down.

Sit down.

Yes, carry on, carry on.

Well, Myra.

Hmm?

Do you do your own cleaning?

Well, nobody helps me in my bath, if

that's what you mean.

Pity.

I mean housework.

Yes, I suppose you do.

Well, I don't really feel there's any need

because, well, I'm a very orderly person.

A place for everything.

Everything in its place.

So I can take it you don't use

a metal polish?

Yes, that would be a fair assumption, yes.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid I must be wasting your time.

No, no, not at all.

Not at all.

On the contrary.

Ah, missed again.

Dan.

What's that?

Well, it's my bracelet.

The clasp's broken.

It just keeps falling off.

Oh, I shouldn't bother with it, really.

I'll probably take it and trade it in

somewhere.

Well, trade it in a bracelet.

Well, I know it's not worth much, but

I should get at least a fiver for

it anyway.

Hmm, a fiver.

Or maybe ten.

Well, the guy who bought it wasn't a

cheapskate.

He'd have spent at least that much on

it, I'm sure.

Oh, I'm sure the chaps would be falling

over each other, wouldn't they?

Two lovers of rubies and diamonds on you,

might they?

It's a pity nobody ever thought of gold,

isn't it?

Well, one day, maybe.

Yes, well, I could give you a tenner

for it.

Well, it's very pretty.

And I like pretty things.

It'll remind me of you.

I couldn't.

Well, I'll give you 15.

No, I couldn't go any higher than 15.

15.

Well, it seems an awful lot.

All right, it's a deal.

Good.

As I say, it'll remind me of you.

Champagne, my dear?

There you are.

Well, thank you, if you're sure.

Oh, I don't mind being taken advantage of.

I'm used to it.

Generous to a fool, that's me.

But that's the way I like it.

All right, then.

Thank you.

Well, off you pop.

Before I change me mind.

All right.

Yes, well, shall I help you to the

door?

Yes, thank you.

Yes, not at all.

Adieu, adieu, my fair young lady.

And may you find your rubies and diamonds.

I'll be quite happy with the gold.

Quite.

Goodbye.

Arrivederci.

Bye.

He fell for it.

He keeps the cash in the room upstairs.

Well done, love.

So, there you are.

You see, the dinosaur rules for 140 million

years.

That's right.

And 65 million years ago, according to Professor

Toome, California Research Centre, there was a collision

between an asteroid and the Earth.

And the dinosaur was just being...

The same thing could happen to us, couldn't

it?

Hmm?

You wouldn't like that to happen to you,

would you, Pearl?

He's left the light on.

Yes, or the bird will.

There must be a window we can get

in.

Let's try round the back.

Now, I have a feeling that we've got

a survivor in this country, the ichthyosaurus.

The Loch Ness Monster.

This room here.

You try the desk.

By the way, by the way, have you

seen our parish church?

Oh.

Biggest font in Britain.

Has had rather large babies, eh?

We shall be seeing the church.

Ah, good, good.

Well, enjoy it, eh?

And don't pinch the candlesticks.

We are here for a funeral.

Not yours, I hope.

Why can't you keep your mouth shut in

here?

I beg your pardon?

Yap, yap, yap, on and on for four

hours every time you come in here.

What do we get for it?

The price of a half pint.

There's customers who go to the Swan because

they'd rather listen to a jukebox than you.

Would you mean to say that my customer

is no longer welcome here?

We are entitled by law to refuse to

serve you without giving a reason.

Yes, well, you never mind about the law.

I certainly can't stay where I'm not wanted.

Yeah, well, you won't see me again.

Good.

And love to Arthur.

Happy funerals.

OK, we'll see you at the government.

Ah, hello, Percy.

So they chucked you out, then?

No, no, I've just been barred, that's all.

Imagine me being barred by a bailiff.

Because I missed the 9 o'clock bus,

now I'll have to wait a whole hour

for another one.

Oh, well, I'm off home.

Come on, I'll give you a lift.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, early start tomorrow.

It's no good, there's nothing up here.

Let's try downstairs.

Very kind, very good.

Yes, thank you, we want every night.

Yes.

Let's try over here.

And very kind of you, I'm sure.

Good luck with the hops and drops.

Sam, shh.

That's it.

Maybe he won't come in here.

Well, well, well.

Market research, eh?

Oh, Mr Percy, thank goodness you've arrived.

Where is it?

Where's what?

The cash.

Oh, you mean you haven't found it yet?

Oh, well, I was dying to show you.

Simple, really.

Oh, dear.

Now, would you mind putting your hands up,

please?

Thank you very much.

Both of you.

See?

As many as slip.

He's wounded!

Help me!

It was just a shot from the woods.

I didn't know what had happened.

It was pitch black.

And then this shot.

It's all right now, love, they're looking after

him.

I don't know who it was.

A poacher, I suppose.

Well, he ran off.

And I got Steve to the car.

Oh, well, I'll need a statement from you

later, but you needn't worry for a bit.

Oh, here's the doctor.

Is he all right?

Well, there's a problem.

He's a rare blood group and we don't

have it.

He needs a massive transfusion straight away and

the nearest stock's in Cambridge.

It'll take an hour at least.

But he will be all right.

I'm sorry.

They're sending the stock from Cambridge just in

case.

Yes.

That's right.

I see.

Well, it's certainly worth a try.

Ask the police to get a car over

there straight away.

I'll ring him from here and get him

standing by.

Yes, I've got it.

Right.

It seems that there is a suitable donor

on our books.

Or rather, there was.

This chap's officially off the list now because

he's overage.

We can't afford to be choosy there, can

we?

A chap called Percy Hampton.